#also i didnt gay panic too much today i just had a really fun time

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

if i had a nickel for every time the guy i like directly compared me and his boyfriends personalities, i would have 2 nickels, which isnt a lot but its weird that it happened twice

[wewontliveforeversomakeitworthit]

My Story

Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic. My sobriety date is January 3rd 2017 I have a home group, love and service in Rochester NY, i have a sponsor, i have a service position and I am currently working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I shared at the forensics unit at our psych center and nothing came out right and i didn’t actually know how to share my story so I’m going to try to gather my thoughts and share it on here before my next share. I grew up in what would appear to be just a totally normal middle class home in Henrietta NY. I have 4 older sisters and 2 incredibly loving amazing supportive and sometimes absolutely insane parents. While i was growing up I felt exactly how alot of people say that they did too, i felt different, left out and not good enough for anybody. In elementary school I was already a compulsive liar, telling people that i had boyfriends and stupid stuff like that. I turned to food to hide my feelings and to hide myself and that turned into me being bullied for being over weight. And even from that young age i took the things that those people said to me straight to heart and it was gospel and they were right, I was fat, i had awful acne, i was ugly and nobody would ever love me because of my appearance. I decided I wanted to lose that weight when i was going into 8th grade and I lost some of it and was actually pretty normal for the most part at that time. I then thought i was completely in love with a guy in 8th grade who was also my best friend and we hung out over that winter break and i thought something was going to happen, like obviously we were going to be in love and get married but instead he told me that he didn’t want me in that way, turns out hes actually gay now but it sent me on a downward spiral into mental illness that was lurking in the shadows of my life since I could think. I developed anorexia and starved myself every day until i got down to about 100lbs, my family and I went on vacation and being around them i wasn’t able to eat (well not eat) the way that I was. I cried every single night on that vacation because of how utterly disgusted with myself i was. I then came home and developed bulimia because the control of the starving was completely gone. But the night that boy told me he didn’t want me, something else happened. I drank, it was NYE at my sisters house and I was 14 years old, her friends asked me if i wanted a drink and god did i want a drink. I wanted to feel the careless joy the people around me were feeling. They made the mistake of showing me where their green tea vodka was and i started drinking and didn’t stop until it was gone. I remember while i was drinking that something inside of me started to change, i wasn’t shy and concerned with what other people were thinking of me anymore, i didn’t care at all about anything. I remember my tongue and my cheeks getting numb and i was on cloud nine.  After that night i was too preoccupied with my ED to give a fuck about drinking or drugging until bulimia came into play. I started snorting adderall so that i wouldnt eat and that went on through ninth grade until i went to program for my eating disorder and those people saved me from dying from that disease. But after i got out of that program, life got real. I had about a year of decent normalcy but at the beginning of my junior year things started to progress. I started to not give a shit about school at all, i started skipping classes and going to parties on weekends and drinking whenever it was an option for me. I started dating guys who were really just not good people and i had only one friend. We went out when we could but it never dawned on me that I was drinking any differently than any of the other kids i was around because really I wasn’t but the way it was affecting me and the way i was thinking about it was COMPLETELY different from those kids. They would stop drinking so they could drive home or they literally had DD’s but to be honest i dont remember much about those couple of years. I graduated highschool early because i hated literally everyone and i was convinced that they all hated me and judged me because most of the time they did. In my senior year i started using the tinder app and i would go over to random guys houses and meet them and every time that happened id get to drink, in my bio it even said “alcohol enthusiast”. boy was i wrong. I thought it was normal to do what i was doing, i really didnt think twice about it. Meeting these guys and being able to get black out drunk and then maybe sleep with them just seemed like a normal thing to do. Until my parents started asking questions about where i was going and why there were alcohol containers in my car and i would lie and say they were someone elses but theyre not stupid they knew they were mine. Things slowed down a little while i was in my first couple semesters of nursing school, i still drank but just on weekends with my boyfriend at the time and his roommates, and i thought i was drinking normally but i guess blacking out and starting fights on purpose because of your drinking isn’t neccesarily normal. I wouldn’t walk around the park ave area with him at night time unless he wanted to drink and that became a norm for me. I needed a drink if i was going to do anything at all, go to the movies? drink. hang out with literally anyone? drink. watching some tv? drink. While my boyfriend at the time went on vacation for christmas i decided to go to a party because if i saw anything about anyone drinking on social media i was on top of it, i made sure i had a way to get drunk whenever and i went to that party and i did cocaine for the second time in my life. the first time i really dont remember much but it was before i had met Kenny. So he went away and I went to a harmless party and kept my drinks near me like they were my children. I heard they were doing shots downstairs and i went down there and took probably 7 tequila shots in a row and blacked out, i came too when i started doing lines and by the time it was 7am i was calling him asking him to help me. That was a thing of mine, was to get drunk one place and then message or text as many people as possible to help me because i needed to go somewhere else or do something else because i didn’t want the fun to end. I kept on drinking the way i was drinking but because of how sick and awful i had felt i didn’t touch drugs again for a little while but i did wind up finding them again. but then all of a sudden over the summer of last year, shit hit the fan. I was drinking every single night and one night i went and hungout with a guy i had met probably on tinder and he said he needed to stop by a friends house for a birthday gift and i was like oh yeah ok cool, turns out his friend was the supplier for the whole town he lived in and she offered me some and i actually said no. i scolded him for his awful decision making and we went to Durand beach to get drunk and by the end of that night i had at some point asked if i could have some of his drugs so that i could safely drive home and obviously he said yes and then life went crazy. i went back to durand with that same person but met a whole bunch of other people and some how met a small group of people another time on that night and i wish i had clearer details but i was really a black out drinker and i wouldnt come to unless i had something else in my system. So we met this other smaller group of people and my life changed. some how i started attracting people who had what i thought i needed and wanted and id switch back and forth between these peoples houses getting free drinks and drugs and staying up for days at a time and not coming home and moving from job to job trying to keep my head above water. I wouldn’t stop thinking about being able to get the next drink or drug. Id go to morning classes after not sleeping in two days and be completely strung out or just not go at all. I got to a point where i couldnt drink without putting a drug in my system and i tried. I tried to stop myself from getting too drunk by switching drinks or not having as many and i was convinced i didn’t have a problem because i didn’t drink during the day so i clearly wasn’t an alcoholic. I would try to drink around people who didn’t approve of me doing drugs and i still somehow managed to go from house to house to house getting drinks and drugs until there was nothing left. One night i was at a house with all of these people i had been drinking and drugging with who i thought i really was just living the life with and i went upstairs and had a panic attack. I wanted to go home because something in me created a feeling that told me i no longer belonged there. So after 3 days of not being home and countless cries for help to my therapist and other people i called my parents at 4am and told them i was coming home and sobbing i told them i needed to talk to them. That night i told them about what i had been doing and got myself an intake appointment for outpatient. And i still at that point thought i probably only had a drug problem and that it wasn’t the drinking. i really didnt think it was the drinking. But once i started outpatient, i couldnt for life of me stay sober but i wanted it i really did. and when i tell you that night i went home that i was desperate for help i mean i wanted to die. i spent so many days of coming down just praying for god to take my life because truly i couldn’t live it anymore. Times id come home so sick and dehydrated my mom would have to run IV’s through me and id lay on that bathroom floor wishing it would all just end. I had known about AA but it was introduced to me through a girl in my outpatient and she told me she was going to a meeting and i told her i wanted to go. I had just relapsed for what would be the last time and i wanted to be sober more than anything and i couldn’t handle the constant relapses. My first AA meeting was wits end when it was upstairs at Rosedale and i was not buying any of it. I was convinced that all those young people car pooling were getting drunk directly after the meeting and that they were all just liars and fakes. I was texting someone ABOUT getting drunk at that meeting but luckily nobody would comply because on that Sunday i went to a womens meeting in fairport and i felt so engulfed with love and acceptance it was incredible. These women gave me a coin and hugged me and even though they talked about god they were something i hadnt experienced in a long time and that was happy without needing a drink or a drug to do it. I was handed that 24 hour coin and I decided maybe I’d do a couple more of these meeting things but i wouldn’t get involved like they were. My friend and i started going to a 5:30 meeting that was mostly old people or people off the street who were drunk but i stuck around for long enough to meet Pat and he was the FIRST person i heard share within my 2 months of meetings that i could actually relate to and for the first time i went up and talked to someone after they spoke and i told him how much i related and he told me to go to his home group Love and Service and that he wanted to introduce me to someone and that someone turned out to be my sponsor. I had no idea what i was doing and i knew that if i didn’t start to actually do something other than meetings that i was going to drink again and i didn’t want that for myself anymore. So my sponsor and i didnt even discuss her sponsoring me it just happened and she told me to get phone numbers and find a home group and a service position and it took me a couple weeks but i did it. meanwhile, my friend who introduced me to AA asked me if i was calling my sponsor every day and i was like uhhhh what do you mean call her everyday?????? and my friends like yeah duh thats like an unspoken aa rule and i called my sponsor right after that i was like OMG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL YOU EVERY DAY. Mostly i just didn’t have any idea how the hell to communicate with people anymore without being drunk. My social awkwardness was at level 100 and im still working on that lol. but we met up and she started to pray and she said “hey god” in the beginning of the prayer like he was just a friend and i was like oh good i got a crazy one idk how well this is gunna workout. but she started taking me through the book and something else changed, i started to grow. this is the longest ive ever done literally anything in my life and it has changed my life drastically already even just at almost 6 months sober. Today I have a full time job that i actually go to every day, today I’m able to be a daughter, a sister, a friend. Today I am learning who i am and how to deal with life on lifes terms and im becoming patient and im just in this constant growth and its absolutely amazing. I’ve found a higher power that i dont understand at all but I know its there and im able to learn things about myself every day and get called out when i’m wrong and just begin to actually live and its amazing. I’m still a work in progress but I am so beyond grateful to be here. Thank you

[annabellsr]

Just skip this. Im stoned and in A Mood™

Its 3 am and i cant sleep and im overthinking so im going to write it out to ride it out.

Here we go.

Ive introduced caffeine back into my diet and that was a horrible awful mistake. My bad @ myself. My sleep has been FUCKED since. And the worst part? I crave it. Lmaoo dumb.

I like this writing but its way too fucking big damn it.

Welp.

I fucking almost texted my ex today to tell her what a piece of shit she was and is and that i am mad that her last letter to me she LITERALLY said she learned how to love thanks to all the abuse she put me through. I try not to think about it. But fun fact about caffeine is it can make you agitated. And it can effect you negatively if you have certain mental illnesses. And for someone who is so outspoken about it sometimes i am just so. In. Denial. About. My. Own. Illnesses.

Im still learning better coping skills and how to love and accept myself while simultaneously trying to unlearn a LOT of unhealthy thought patterns and coping habits.

Like accepting the fact i have a caffeine sensitivity. Like I know i will trigger a panic attack if i get more than 80mg of it in me. But i always tell myself i can push through it. Or it wont happen this time. Or i need to just buck up and deal with it. Like when will i learn? Who fucking knows but it sure as hell wasnt this week.

I was also thinking about kevin today. I hate him so so so much. However. I also feel so so so bad for him because i kinda understand him a little bit and we have some of the same bad coping habits. Except where my emotions lean towards sad his lean toward anger. Like yeah theres a ton of sad underneath there, but it shows itself as anger. Which is super rude, dangerous, and annoying. Buuut anyway. I was thinking about the day i legit almost killed myself. Like i was fucking ready.

I was so ready infact, that it scared me. And i reached out for help that day. I called a (at the time) friend. I didnt tell her why i called. Or what i was feeling. See the funny thing about me is im an Overshare-er™ and tend to do so especially when im stressed or feeling anxious(thats actually a pretty common symptom of anxiety). However there have been some distinct moments in my life where i wanted something so so badly i was able to keep my mouth shut until after i did whatever it was. These also happen to be key turning points in my life (some more obvious than others). So when i was on the phone with her and realized i had no desire to talk about wanting to end it all, and lied when she asked what was up, REALLY scared me. I felt, for a moment, like my body had made the decision for me. Like it was a once in a lifetime (lmaooo no pun intended) chance to change the direction my life was going. I was so sure i was ready. I didnt care what happened after, i wasnt even going to write a note because i felt whatever sob story excuse i had would just be scoffed at or seen as dramatic. I always felt too dramatic, too much, too alone, too intensely, too too too too too.

I always thought the problem

Was me.

UNTIL

This year. This year I finally realized (and mostly accepted ((i still have bad days, still rewiring the ol brain)) ) that /I/ was never the problem. I was just a fucking kid. Doing fucking kid shit. That NORMAL KIDS NORMALLY DO.

KEVIN was AND IS just a bully asswipe WHO ABUSED A CHILD because he was stuck in some shitty cycle cause his daddy was mean to him too. I mean hes still a shit person, hes impulsive, rude, racist, surprisingly not so homophobic? (Prob was when younger i could totally see it. He would be the "lesbians are fine but a gay dude betyer not evem glance at me" douche. ) and honestly a deadbeat who wont take care of himself, mind body or soul.

So to know that my childhood was legit wrecked by this dillweed fucking ENRAGES me. Which is SO ironIC CONSIDERING I SPENTMY 12-21 YEARS OF LIFE REPRESSING ANY FORM OF ANGER BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF TURNING OUT LIKE MY ABUSER WHO ONLY EVER SHOWED ME ANGER. And disgust. Like legit im sure he is disgusted by me.

But as soon as it clicked in my tumbleweed of a head that the only reason my childhood sucked wasnt because there was something wrong with me, but because i was someones scapegoat?! All that anger fucking ripped a new one in me.

Its like going on a T break and then smoking again. Its intense, and you feel it in every inch of you and its new but familiar at the same time but sometimes it is just SO INTENSE. Sometimes its too intense.

Just to think. He fucking broke me down to the point i was convinced it was me. I was the problem. I was always wrong or not enough or gross or too-SOMETHING. He broke me down to the point

I

Was

Going

To

Kill

My

Self

All because he never got help for himself, but instead took it out on me.

Fucking disgusting.

And i fucking HATE that sometimes i really want to help him. Because im fucking soft and when i step back i can see he is just a human suffering and i dont think people deserve to suffer.

Even though i know he never thinks twice about the way he treated me. (Mainly because he gets the fucking blessing of not remembering any of it. Fucker.) and even if i told him he prob wouldnt even care.

Sometimes i do think about telling him.

Laying it all out there.

And then blocking his number so i never have to know what his reply would be.

Its 330am.

I have work in 12 hours.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck