#also i know homophobia isn’t necessarily just abuse it can be subtle but what i mean is

[enbymike]

I know that the Wheelers had a Reagan/Bush sign outside their house, but I just can’t imagine them being violently homophobic. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they’re anywhere near as supportive as the Byers’ are, but not as bad as some people make them out to be.

They’d be confused, yeah, but in my eyes Karen would support her kids to the best of her ability even if she didn’t fully “get it.” I mean, she’s lived her life regretting marrying someone she doesn’t love so I think she’d have some compassion for LGBT people. And she’s shown time and time again to want to support both Mike and Nancy no matter what.

I can’t even picture Ted going out of his way to kick one of his kids out. To be honest, he strikes me as the type of man to sigh and make an aimed comment, but not bother to do anything about it. He’s all talk but he takes it from what he hears on the news. I wouldn’t say he’d be supportive but that extends to basically everything involved with his kids since he’s so emotionally absent. He’s a bad father for sure, but I can’t picture him getting violent with his kids over their sexuality.

[thenightling]

Tumblr traps or entrapment

Ever see a comment or an ask that you could obviously tell was a set up for a fight with a righteous rage attached to it?  

I know what some of you might be thinking. “If they fall into that sort of set up, then they deserve it.”  Not necessarily true.

Something as simple as saying “Love forgives.” can lead to “Forgives what?”   I saw this one recently and thankfully the person was smart enough to dodge the attempt. “Forgives what?” is the bait, the bait to argue.  The person asking it doesn’t really want a legitimate answer.  They’re hoping for a vague enough answer so that they have it as an excuse to call the OP an abuse apologist or a cheat, etc.  

I’ve seen “Do you believe people can change?” used in a similar way to be twisted to mean the person being asked is pro-abuser.  Because God forbid we believe we can grow as people!   It’s not like this also entails change in yourself, not just in others, and not just some cliche abuser saying “Baby, I can change.”

Simply liking Beauty and the Beast has been used to claim you’re pro-abusive relationship.

There’s also racism and homophobia / transphobia traps too.

One trap to try accuse people of being transphobic I’ve seen is repeatedly asking someone “Define gay.” or “What’s your definition of gay?” in the hope that the wording can be taken as transphobic.    This trap has been laid for me a few times and I always answer honestly, “I usually define it as a male presenting and identifying individual who is attracted to other male presenting and identifying individual BUT anyone in the LGBTQ+ community can use the term and lesbianism can often take the term gay.   It’s just not everyone wants to use gay as the blanket term.  Some prefer queer or other wording.”

 There are other more subtle traps.  “Who is your favorite POC fictional character?”  (This one is hard to spot at first glance but watch what happens if you pick one created by a white man like Shadow Moon in American Gods.  Even Black Panther isn’t safe.)   This is an especially nasty trap used on fans of American Gods if they know American Gods is the person’s favorite show or book. “Ah, ha!   You’re a racist!  The only black character you like was created by a white man!”   

A similar one is “Do you have a favorite fictional character with a disability?”  if you name a movie or TV character who has a disability but was played by someone who does not have a disability (i.e. Daredevil or Elisa in The Shape of Water) that could land you in trouble. 

Another subtle trap is wording things in such a way that you hope to get the person to say “the disabled” or “disabled person” when the correct term is supposed to be “person with disabilities.”   The question “Do you have a favorite disabled fictional character?” can be a trap in two ways.  1.  To try to get you to use the wrong wording (the wording in the question of “disabled character” instead of character with a disability.” and 2. To try to get you to list a character written by, or portrayed by, someone who does not actually have that disability.   

Sometimes it might be a question about menstrual cycles, trying to catch “micro aggression” or transphobia, hoping to catch someone off guard who might say “women” in the conversation by mistake, when yes, some men get periods

Sometimes it can be a subtle thing like a very long conversation about someone who uses xe and xer pronouns.  Waiting and hoping for “The enemy” to use a “he” or “her” or “she” since xe is often heard as Zee, which is close to she. Xie has a “she” pronunciation in many Asian languages, by the way.   This one is particularly cruel to people with dyslexia, come from certain parts of Asia, or have disabilities, including hand and eye coordination issues, eyesight problems, and various learning disabilities. It can often lead to “You misgendered them on purpose!”

To those who are deliberately doing these things... do you really think you’re weeding out secretly bad folk and bigots?   If you do than why do you have to rely on typos or accidental poor wording to catch them?   

Save your righteous rage for those who deserve it.   And don’t set booby traps.  You’re not helping anyone when you do that.   You’re better than this.

[toycarousel]

(part one, sorry for long MSG) Hi dear, I need some advice if it's not a huge bother, and I mainly need to get this off my chest. So basically, I came out to my group of close friends as a gay guy a few years ago, and nothing really changed in our relationships since they were pretty accepting, if not just surprised. After that, once I got comfortable with myself, I had a few not-completely-serious relationships with some guys at my school who had "come out", and my friends never said anything.

(part two) Three months ago I started dating Nicky, my current boyfriend, but because he's pretty private about his life we only told my friends after the first two months. At first they didn't seem bothered, and even seemed happy for us, but recently they've changed their attitude. Before we started dating, Nick never really showed interest in guys, and he's told me before that I was really the only guy he'd consider dating. It never bother me before because he said he was happy so I was too. 

(Part three) Essentially, last week my friends confronted me and accused me of "brainwashing him into being gay" because he'd only dated girls before, having broken up with a girl a month before we got together, and told me that I shouldn't force him into a relationship and that I was a terrible person for forcing my sexuality onto him. My best friend even told me that I could've "just picked an actual gay guy" to get with. I haven't told Nick, and it's really killing me. I want to tell him but(Part four, end) I'm really scared that he'll feel I don't trust him enough or that he'll think I feel insecure about our relationship. I've never been in a relationship this deep this fast before, because I honestly love Nick and I believe that he loves me, and I don't want to screw it up because of some dumb things my friends said. I just really need some advice, am I just being dramatic and should forget about it? Or should I tell Nicky? I'm really torn up about this, thanks for any help love

Hi there, not to worry about the long message, Anon~!!!! I talk a whole lot more, and I completely understand the feeling of wanting to convey a situation fully!!!

Ooooooooomgosh.  Okay, like.  Unless you ran a “straight conversion therapy” ring (the opposite of a gay conversion therapy set-up -- like what a lot of us gay folks forcibly go through), then you’re not brainwashing someone into being a sexuality that they otherwise wouldn’t be.  You’re not telling this guy that it’s disgusting to be straight, that being straight would make him a bad person, that dating you is the best choice.  You haven’t done ANY of that.  So your friends saying that you’re forcing your sexuality onto him, is unfair.  You love this boy.  It’s not about “picking an actual gay guy,” it’s about picking the person you love, and if they return your feelings (or at least want to try things out, because they like you enough to) then giving that relationship its full chance~!!!!!!

And sexuality can be fluid (naturally; with no “brainwashing” involved).  It may be more fluid for some folks, and more rigid for others, and that’s okay.  And it’s okay that Nick wouldn’t necessarily date a boy besides you.  It sounds like he simply likes you for you, and that his sexuality is just fluid enough to allow for him to date a guy that he really, really likes.  That happens~!!!

For example, I’m mainly gay, but I have dated girls that I really, really liked. They weren’t forcing their sexuality onto me or vice verse, it’s just that I happen to be one of those gay guys who can be attracted to a woman if she’s individually special to me.  There’s nothing wrong with people that doesn’t happen for, but there’s nothing wrong with people that does happen for.  Whether the relationship is gay or straight (or neither!) 

If you’re not pressuring him in any way, then you’re not doing anything wrong, and you and him have every right to choose who you date, for yourselves.  Your friends don’t get to be the judge of who you’re allowed to date and who you’re not allowed to date, so long as the relationship isn’t dangerous.

I feel like, had the tables been turned, and Nicky had been a lesbian who fell for you, and for whatever reason (even though you’re gay), you decided to date each other, that this wouldn’t be as much of an issue for your friends, simply because the relationship would be, in their eyes, a straight one.  I don’t think it’s okay for people to assume that everyone who ends up dating someone of their own gender (if they haven’t before) is being forced or brainwashed into it.

If Nicky feels comfortable with you, and wants to date you (regardless of whether he’s otherwise only interested in women), then your relationship is perfectly fine~!!! If no one is abusing anyone, or forcing anyone into anything, then it’s not “brainwashing.”  I think your friends (though I’m sure you love a lot of them, and they’re otherwise good people) have some subtle homophobia going on... it’s probably not something they’re even aware of (which is mainly what I meant by “subtle.”) A lot of people don’t realize that they’re making harsher judgments against gay ppl than they would against straight people... they don’t mean to, and they may love and support you, but they’ve still got some stuff to really work through and reconsider.

And that happens... people don’t mean to be bigoted (usually), but we are ALL learning how to be better people within a society that brings out the worst in us.  But I would talk to your friends about this.  It doesn’t have to be an explosive fight or argument (or anything like that), but it should be very honest, and open.  You should tell them your side of things.  That you are not pressuring Nicky into anything, and you should tell them what he’s said about the relationship in his own words (if he gives you permission to).  And you could also encourage Nicky, himself, to talk to them while you’re not around.  That way, Nicky can let them know how he feels, without them thinking he’s just saying what you want to hear because you’re there at the time.  Without them thinking that he feels like he has to say what you want to hear.

As for how to tell Nick all this... well, I’d be honest with him.  Tell him what you’ve told me.  You don’t need to talk about my response.  Just what you’re currently feeling, and what your friends have said.  Keep it totally factual, without any judgmental statements on either side.  Just say exactly what your friends told you, exactly how you feel about it, and exactly what you think would be effective, in this situation (talking to your friends about it separately, and/or together, or any other method you think would be helpful~!!!!)

You’re not being too dramatic or anything, Anon, but I would be careful about this, just because it’s an early relationship, and while honesty is crucial, here, so is tact.  It’s important to be gentle, and kind, and humorous.  Talk to your boyfriend about the situation the way you’d want it brought up to you, and you’re good~!!!! If he reacts badly (in a way that hurts you), then that’s on him... and we can’t control how other people think, feel, or behave.  But he does need to know what’s going on, and I think that you being honest will hopefully help him to see that he can trust you even more, you know? Because you’re not hiding things from him.

Feel free to send follow-up messages, or vent here, or anything you want.  I really hope things work out well with Nick~!!!!! I hope things work out well with your friends too, and just in general~!!! It might take them a while, but if they care about you, they’ll be willing to listen to your point of view.  You have every right to be dating the boy you love, and who loves you, Anon.  Take care~!!!! xoxoxo