#also ig that i can't actually be ugly in a 40something way yet

[bassiter2]

my mental/existential dysphoria is so abstract and gnarled that, as i've become less vain and obsessed with my own appearance in the past year, and basically phased that out of being part of my whole brand, i've genuinely felt like a more real person. i still put effort into my appearance/outfits and have a sense of superiority about it, but leaving behind the habit of taking selfies all the time genuinely feels so right. not bc it's inherently bad or anything, but just bc i think that particular brand of self-obsession is a less Real trait. i think that even having the capacity to sometimes feel insecure about my appearance makes me more real. i'm even starting to kind of like the idea of getting a little ugly as i get old. bc then when someone finds me really beautiful even when i don't look like a model anymore, it'll actually feel special instead of like "of course you do, duh." and bc i'm not like fully consciously expecting everyone i interact with to think i'm gorgeous, now, when someone expresses something along those lines i actually feel complimented instead of just vaguely reinforced. i literally fantasize about being a 40something who says and fully believes "yeah haha i used to be a hot young thing" and then has someone tell me that i'm still hot. i want that so much more than i want to be conventionally hot anymore.