#also ignore the old explanation post it kinda sucks on all sides

[felix-krain]

"Stay back." hissed the witch.

"I won't let you lay a finger on her."

[flareish]

Pretty Petty

wakatoshi ushijima x reader

summary:  with student council elections on the way your new friends become your new enemies but a sliver lining always comes thru 

genre: angst to fluff

warning: some insults thrown around nothing overly nasty, mostly edited

wordcount: 3.7k

a/n: sorry for not posting but I swear I’m still active!! Ignore the funky student council ways of this idk how real student council runs

Its sucks transferring to a new school at anytime but even more so a few months into the year. Everyone has already settled into groups, even the transferees from the beginning of the year had made friends. It also meant you got stuck with the one spare seat in chemistry. Next to a pretty serious boy and his much less serious friend. It was a three person table and on the very far end was a hyped up redhead who looked like has had one too many energy drinks this morning.

“Hey good morning!” Deciding to not dwell too much on your sucky situation and make the most of seating partners. Time to make friends!

“Good morning.” He said firmly. That was it. 

“Gooood morning!” Said the redhead who had practically bounced out of his seat to say hello. The reaction brought a smile to your face. At least one of your partners seems chatty.

“I’m Tendou and this guy is Ushijima.” The redhead introduced now half hanging off the serious boy you now know to be Ushijima.

“I’m Y/N, a recent transferee.” If it was one thing you were good at, it was making friends. It just seemed to happen wherever you went. 

The teacher walked in, cutting off any conversation that could have started, and began to dive into the first topic.

For the first time today being a transferee has benefited you. The topic you were going over today you had just finished covering in your old school. Starting off your time here with an easy A. 

A worksheet got handed out and you all got to work completing it. You were allowed to discuss things with your partners but yours were kind of intimidating so you just kept your head down and started to plow through the problems. Well at least one of them was. Like you expected they were easy enough for you. As you were going you overheard the two boys talking next to you.

“This doesn’t look right,” Tendou exclaimed, frustrated. 

“Let me see,” Ushijima mumbled, almost sounding irritated. If you had a guess, you assume his also doesn’t look right. You look over and notice the problem immediately. 

“Um hey, I can show you if you’d like.” You tread carefully, not wanting to show anyone up. Tendou’s head shoots up and he leaps over to your side of the table. Intrigued Ushijima looks at your paper too. You begin to dive into your explanation. As expected Ushijima got it right away and so did Tendou. He only needed to be shown once and he had it. 

“Oh woah you're a lefty.” You suddenly noticed. Ushijima kind of just looked at you for a second and nodded, not really sure if it was a positive remark. 

“I used to be a lefty but all my teachers hand me swap to my right hand,” You hold your hands up in front of your face as if there was something different that would say you were actually a lefty, “Kinda wish now that I stuck it out and stayed a lefty although now I kinda have two dominant hands.” You keep a big smile on your face to keep the conversation light. 

“Yeah they tried to get me to change too but I didn’t.” He had a small smile on his face, the first one you’ve seen since you sat down. The three of you talked casually for the rest of the class. Well more Tendou talking, you answering questions, and Ushijima nodding. Eventually, the bell rang and you had to leave for your next class. 

“You should come sit with us at lunch!” Tendou announces, speaking the idea as school as he thought it, “We sit under the big tree out back, you can’t miss us.” Ushijima just looked at you expectantly, having no problems with the proposal.

“You got it!” You have an extra pep in your step as you head off for your next class.

They were right, you couldn’t miss it. It wasn’t because of the location but rather the red head who was having a very animated conversation with Ushijima that you could hear from across the school.

“Hey!” You announce as you sat down. With that you all fell into another easy strung of conversations. 

“Anything big coming up that I might have missed?” You asked. 

“Student council elections are coming up.” Ushijima answers.

“Oh, are you running?” You ask, intrigued.

“Yes I am,” he answers without hesitation, “are you thinking of running?”.

“Me? No way. Not my kind of thing. You’ve definitely got my vote though!” 

“You shouldn’t vote based on popularity.” He says matter of factly. 

“What makes you say that I am?” You playfully shoot back rocking onto your elbows, leaning your chin on your hands.

“Well since the only reason you would vote for me is because we are friends.” He keeps that stoic expression.

“Oh we’re friends now are we?” You jest. His eyes widen in shock and his head whips to Tendou, who is very amused with the conversation, trying to gauge if he had been too hasty declaring you friends. You giggle.

“I'm only joking,” you say with a giggle, “besides that isn’t the reason I would vote for you. You show exceptional leadership qualities. It only takes a glance to know you were made for a job like this.” 

“Oh- I- Thank you.” You manage to catch a glimpse at the blush he was trying to hide. Obviously he wasn’t used to such heavy praise. The bell rings shortly after and you all go your separate ways back to your classes.

The three of you make fast friends. Soon you sit together every lunch, you attend their volleyball games, and even have study groups together. For once you felt like you actually fit well into somewhere. At your old school you never had a friend group. You were friendly with lots of people, everyone knew and loved you but when it come down to lab partners and last minute shopping trips you were never the first pick. They always would turn to their best friend and off they were not a thought left for you. However somehow you found a person that looked out for you, not just one either. Both Ushijima and Tendou had befriended you. Although you had to admit you were starting to feeling something beyond friendship for Ushijima. There was just something about him that drew you in.

It’s the end of the day and you are making your way out of the school. You were held back a bit with a teacher who wanted to help you catch up on past assignments now that you have better adjusted to the school. By catch up, you just got assigned two months of homework assignments to finish by the end of the week. Oh boy were you feeling the love. Maybe you could get Ushijima to help you since he’s already done all of it. The thought put a smile on your face and you keep heading down hallway after hallway. 

A voice catches your attention as you approach an open classroom. It was Ushijima’s. What is he still doing here? It sounds like they were talking about student council. Just as you were about to go inside and say hello a single sentence stops you in your steps. 

“I wouldn’t waste your time worrying about Y/N she’s no competition at all.” Those words hurt you. You knew that Ushijima could be a little blunt at times but those just seemed harsh. Dismissive. You did say student council wasn’t something you were interested in but it wasn’t because you weren’t qualified. It was more that you didn’t want to step on any toes in this unknown territory. But the way he put it makes it seem like even if you were to run it wouldn’t matter. 

Like you are just a pushover. 

“Are you sure? She’s so friendly. She’s only been here a little while and she’s made tons of friends.” Another voice adds.

“Just because she dances on rainbows and clouds doesn’t mean she’s cut out for president.” Someone else chimed in. Ushijima didn’t make a single move to defend you. 

With that you left.

The words plague you for the rest of the night. The tone of them becoming more and more condescending each time they replay in your mind. You were so sick of this. No matter where you went it was always the same. Your parents always said, keep a big smile and a friendly disposition and good fortune will always follow. But all it has got you is friends that take advantage of your kindness and people underestimating you. You try really hard to keep all sunny and perky but to be totally honest that's not the only thing your personality holds. When push comes to shove, you’ve got a mean streak.

Then it struck you. 

You’ll take that dismissive comment and use it to fuel your fire.

You’ll take it as a declaration. A challenge.

You’ll show them “no competition”.

Despite it being so late, you were more awake than ever. You’ll use this freshly fueled fire and get to work. 

Within a night you had crafted a complete running plan. Every single detail had been planned and placed. Your backup plans had backup plans.

You were ready.

Of course no one knew you heard this conversation and you didn’t want to start drama at the beginning of your election, so grand confrontations will have to wait for another day. 

Now it was time for plan petty.

As you walk into school each piece of your uniform is perfectly irons and tucked. Not a hair out of place. Your perky happy charm is turned to the maximum. 

You found the teacher in charge of the student council election and got your name on the ballet. Now it was time to campaign. This was the fun part.

“Hey what’s up Y/N.” A girl from your math class greeted, walked next to you in the hall.

“Oh nothing much, just signed up for student council.” You jokingly act as if it was no big deal.

“For real? I don’t really know any of the people running so you already got my vote.”

“Aww you’re so sweet. See you next period!” You wave goodbye. One vote obtained. That was your main plan. Most kids didn’t really care about student council, the only ones that did were already running. Whoever seems the most interesting or are the most likable typically get voted. Ushijima would be a pretty strong candidate if it wasn’t for you. He’s big on the volleyball team and has brought them to a championship already so he is already known and liked. Although he is also super intimidating. You on the other hand are a social butterfly, and who doesn’t love a social butterfly? You were at a disadvantage being the new kid but it’s no fun if it’s easy. 

“Hey Y/N!” Tendou yelled down the hallway which a stoic Ushijima next to him. You shot them a big smile and waved aggressively back down the hallway, then headed for your next class. 

After two weeks of secretly campaigning you were feeling pretty confident. Today was the big day though when you and everyone else got to see how well you were actually doing. In just a few minutes they were going to start a live feed of the votes. This was when the real heavy campaigning started. The voting had opened a few days ago and would continue for a week and students could put their votes in any time during the week.

It was a morning assembly when they first flashed the results up on the big screen showing all of the candidates to the crowd of students. You were stood next to Ushijima when the screen went up. 

“I thought you weren’t running.” As soon as he saw the screen his head shot to you and a look of shock passed over his face. You were only a few votes behind Ushijima; him in first and you a close second.

“Just felt like there was no competition here. Wanted to spice things up. Unless you see me as no competition.” You wonder if the words you threw at him would ring any bells but they didn’t seem to. That just pissed you off all the more. He can insult you behind you back and then have the audacity to not even remember?!

“Well I’m off to class,” you say, turning to leave you pause to throw a remark over your shoulder, “May the best win.” 

After your encounter at the assembly, you no longer wanted to sit with Ushijima at lunch instead you branched out and started making new friends at lunch, and consequently new votes. Although you didn’t just think of them as votes, it was actually nice meeting new people. You had gotten so close with Ushijima and Tendou that you hadn’t really made many other friendships than that. 

As the week progressed you and Ushijima swapped places for first and second. One day you would be winning and the next he would be. You were both neck and neck and it wasn’t clear who would actually end up on top. 

When you were leaving class you noticed Tendou waiting in the hallway. As he spotted you, he made his way over.

“Hey.” You greeted him.

“Hey.” His typically hyper attitude had been swapped for a much more serious and clipped tone.

“What can I do for you?” You asked kind of shocked by the change. Sure he was Ushijima’s friend but he couldn’t be that upset over you running. Maybe he thinks the same of you as Ushijima does.

“Why are you doing this?” He asks.

“Doing what? Running for student council? Something open to all students?” You didn’t appreciate the silent insinuation that you were in the wrong here.

“No, running just to screw over Ushijima. You know he actually wants this and has worked for it.” He fires back. The bluntness takes you off guard for a second.

“Oh yeah? And I haven’t? Just because I’m new doesn’t mean I haven’t worked just as hard as anyone else. If anything I’ve worked harder. It’s not my fault that I can actually socially connect with people.” You could feel yourself getting riled up and your words were starting to get mean.

“If you are going to insult people at least don’t do it behind their back. I thought you were nicer than that.” He looked pretty angry at your throw away remark aimed at Ushijima. You let out a loud laugh in response which only makes him look more angry.

“I will as soon as he gives me the same courtesy. Just because I’m friendly and happy doesn’t mean I’m an airhead and I don’t appreciate people suggesting otherwise. Especially when they are supposed to be my ‘friends’.” With that you spin around and quickly leave the building. Leaving Tendou confused. 

You were fuming. You went straight home but you just couldn’t settle so you decided to go for a nighttime walk to cool off your mind. 

As you were walking you heard footsteps behind you. Just as you were turning you head a hand grabbed your wrist and spun you around. You nearly screamed until you saw who it was.

“What the hell Ushijima,” You say ripped your hand out his grasp and shoving him back, “You scared the hell out of me. How did you even find me?” “Your parents told me where you were,” he grumbled looking pretty annoyed, “You know I thought you were a nice person.” This caught you off guard.

“Excuse me?” You say confused, you were pretty sure it was you that has been offended over here not the other way around.

“You heard me, I thought you were nice but all you did was use me for popularity and then try and screw me over in an election you have no care for.”

“Oh wow, you really do live in your own world.”

“What’s that supposed to me.” He asked insulted.

“You screwed me over first,” You say taking a step closer enjoying the shock on his face, “You were the one who talked shit about me behind my back way before I started anything.”

“What are you even talking about?” He was getting frustrated.

“Don’t worry about dumb little Y/N, she’s just dancing on rainbows! Not a coherent thought in her head!” You spat at him.

“The student council room.” Suddenly it dawned on him.

“Oh yeah starting to remember. Geez not only insult someone but then immediately forget.” This walk had done nothing to cool your rage, only fuel it.

“I didn’t call you that, someone else did.” He says to defend.

“And you just let them. I thought we were friends. You even said it yourself but I stood there and listened to you not only start off that degrading conversation but let it keep going.” You were almost in tears at this point. All this time you had been putting up this brave, angry front but honestly you weren’t that angry, just hurt. Really hurt.

“I did defend you-”

“Really? When? There seemed to be a pretty long pause after someone said I was a chatty airhead. You know what. Who cares.” You say as you turn to leave just so done with everything. A hand clamps on your wrist and spins you back around once again. It startles you for a moment. Then you are shocked to see such a big emotional outbreak from Ushijima.

“I did defend you. It made me so mad what they said about you. When I said you were no competition I meant that you weren’t competition because you weren’t running. Sometimes words don’t come out as I mean them. That long pause was me trying to not explode. It made me so angry I didn’t know what to do. Normally when I’m angry I either go play volleyball or are already playing but I’ve never gotten so mad for someone else.”

“Did you actually or are you just saying that cause it’s going to screw up your chances of winning if this gets out?” You mumble looking away not sure how to feel right now. Half of you wants to be excited but the other half feels like it’s too good to be true. Suddenly big hands cup your cheeks and angle your face up.

“Tell me to and I will drop out the running.” He declares.

���W- Huh? Wha- Why?” This throws you for a loop.

“If it makes you believe me. I’ll drop out.” He stares deep into your eyes like you are the only thing in the world.

“Why would you do that for me.” You question genuinely confused why he would give up a goal he’s had for ages for you. He looks away and blushes. His hands drop from your face as he awkwardly rubs his neck.

“I am told that ilikeyou.” The last part is quickly rushed out so you could barely hear him but you did.

“So you are told?” You tease, “Are these sources reliable?”

“I mean it’s Tendou so he’s probably just messing with me-” You push up onto your tippy toes while pulling his stupidly tall and muscular body over. What teenage is this jacked? You pull him into a sweet kiss which has taken him completely by surprise. It only lasts a few seconds before you pull away.

“What do you think about those sources now?” You ask still teasing. 

“S- Sources? What- Huh?” His brain is not functioning as quickly as it usually does. 

“Is it true that you like me? Or were your sources incorrect?”

“They were- um- accurate.” He is blushing very hard right now, “But uh maybe we should double check.”

“Double check you say? How do you suppose we do that.” You run your hand up his chest. 

“Perhaps...another kiss.” He mumbles as he starts leaning down. Once again you push up onto your toes and meet him this time for the kiss. Your fingers dig into his shoulders and you get more leverage for the kiss. 

It may have not been the best circumstances but at least this whole election fight had a good outcome. 

In the end, you had basically tied for President so you decided to become the Vice President and let him talk the big win. You weren’t just going step down after all that work but you did feel a little bad being so petty over a misunderstanding. Tendou also forgave you pretty quick, especially after he found out you and Ushijima were now dating.

Flareish Kofi

[dwaynepride]

how was i to know?

summary: reader has a weird dream about gibbs.

have you ever done anything for the ‘ya know what kind of wood this is’ Gibbs dream that both Quinn and Palmer had?

words: 1700

warnings: slight nsfw

tags: @fairytale07​ @jrenn10​ @f4nboi​ @purplestarsr5 @ladyzombiielove​ @littlemiss3ma @minikate--24-05​ @consultingdoctorwholock​ @kittenlittle24​ @24601error-prisonernotfound @andreasworlsboring101​ @dressed-up-just-like-z1ggy​ @ms-allenbrown​ @ikbenplant​ @dylpickles1267​ @diaryofafan17​ @specialagentlokitty​ @pageofultron​ @stanathanxoox​

a/n: it’s been a while since i’ve posted. this isn’t beta-read so ignore the typos. be free, my thots.

Your eyes just weren’t focusing anymore.

It’s been hours (don’t ask how many) since you’ve sat down at your desk to read over case files. The bane of a federal agent - chained to their desk and forced to go over every scrap of evidence and testimonies to find anything useful and it’s the burden placed squarely on your shoulders for today.

Usually, you have tricks to help when the words start blending together. Getting some coffee, going for a walk, visiting Abby because she’s the physical embodiment of caffeine and normally wakes you up.

But nothing helped. And the words kept swimming over the screen.

You’re not learning anything new from sitting here. But with the team hitting a roadblock in the case, what else is there to do? 

Again, you start reading the paragraph that you’ve been trudging through for the past twenty minutes. But this time, as your focus wavers, it’s not because of the headache or the tension in your eyes. The sudden presence on your right is what stops your reading. It’s warm. All-encompassing. Brings over the soft smell of sawdust and aftershave and as soothing at the presence is, it’s a shock to you.

Because you could have sworn you were alone in the bullpen - staying behind while the others went off to find new leads.

Your eyes move off the computer screen, meaning to glance over to the presence. But you never see their face because they’re suddenly leaning in. Hovering over your shoulder, shrouding you from the harsh office lights, and you reckon if you take in a big enough breath, you’d be able to feel the warm presence pressing against your shoulder.

Their face was a mystery, and yet, you can feel a pair of eyes watching you - hard, steely, freezing you in your chair.

And without warning, a hand comes to rest on the surface of your desk, next to the keyboard. A worn, scarred hand that you recognize with a jolt. The named of its owner lies on the tip of your tongue, but it never comes out - like a secret you’ve sworn to keep.

His fingers curl a bit, knocking lightly against the top of your desk. The sound could’ve easily been mistaken as the pounding of your heart, if one listened close enough.

“You know what kinda wood that is?”

The voice mumbled against your ear is low and deep. Sounding like a bass drum and its sound reverberates through your body and you’re pretty sure it’s the reason why your hands are suddenly a little shaky. 

“W-wood?” You manage to echo back. A single word, hoping for clarification because your brain is moving at a snail’s pace. You’re simply too preoccupied on the warm, wet breathing that wafts over your neck.

His fingers start tapping against the desk in some unknown rhythm. And your eyes watch them move, entranced, and you keep telling yourself to look away and focus on something else but it’s much too easy to just keep staring. “Yeah. You outta know.” His voice is closer. More hushed. And that’s because his lips are right against the shell of your ear and his breath is blazing hot.

And through it all, you can catch the faint scent of bitter coffee and it only makes your skin tingle even more.

You suppress a shudder, if only to deny him the satisfaction of feeling it.

His presence somehow keeps growing larger - more encompassing, like a storm cloud rolling over the city. The words on the monitor; they don’t exist. There’s no more Naval Yard or team of federal agents or a whole case to solve. 

It’s just you, him, and the hard, cold press of the wooden desk keeping you here. 

Finally, you turn your head towards him. Words form on the edge of your tongue - stern words of annulment and to tell him you’re too busy for his games.

But then you meet his eyes. Head on - and they give you pause. Frozen in place, as if the icy blues really could chill you to the bone. So close, you could catch faint flecks of gray and gold floating around in the ocean of light blue and this time, it’s impossible to push down the shudder.

Now, his breath wafts over your lips slowly in his careful exhale, sounding almost disappointed and you’re shocked at how much that thought troubles you.

“Want to get a closer look?” He mumbles, eyes falling blatantly to your lips before coming back to meet your gaze.

A closer look? Damn him. 

This must be some kind of sick game for him - to see how far he can push you before you bend to him. He knows the implications of his question. You’ll start imagining yourself bent over the desk, looking closely to study the wood and its rings and texture. Everything he wants you to look for. Your mind will wonder, and suddenly, the image of him fucking you, hard and purposeful, over the desk pops up and you’ll never be able to get it out of your head.

And it works like a god damn charm.

His head tilts to the side, eyes softening to look amused. Probably because he notices you’re panting lighting and can feel it against his lips. “I can show you, if you want,” he murmurs. Still acting innocent. Still keeping with this game.

You breathe in because your head starts getting dizzy from lack of oxygen, but that proves a fatal mistake. 

Because the air itself smells like him - like coffee and smoke and old cologne and it goes straight between your thighs and you find yourself craving the feel of his scarred, worn-out hands on your skin. “Gibbs…”

His name comes out weak, like a shiver. And when he hums in response to it, you can nearly feel the vibration through the air and pulsing against your body. And slowly, carefully, his hand comes up to touch your shoulder. The first real, raw physical contact and you wait for it with baited breath. Suddenly craving it more than the air itself.

As it connects, you expect a soft sort of seering feel. Like a branding iron. Instead, it’s a hard and sudden shove that seems to rock the entire world.

It’s so hard, your eyes snap open instantly, sucking in a gasp of air like you’d just been held underwater. Those cold blue eyes that had so easily frozen you solid were gone, replaced with the familiar scene of the office doused in the light of a sunset. 

The stifling presence of Leroy Jethro Gibbs was also gone - in a way, you were grateful for the freedom. It was much easier to breathe now, that’s for certain. But the second thing you notice upon sitting up in your chair isn’t as appreciated.

Your body is humming. Heart pounding a million miles a second. And your skin...it’s almost painfully sensitive. So much so, even your clothes rubbing against it is almost too much to bear. For a moment, you can still feel Gibbs and his warm breath and the remains of his touch. 

But the worst realization is the deep throb between your legs. Aching and pulsing for something - or someone - that will never come. Your thighs shift together, hoping to ease the feel but the friction only seems to make it worse.

“You fell asleep.”

That’s his voice. 

Your head whips up to find Gibbs standing by your desk - watching you, his eyebrows pinched together and standing in nearly the same exact spot as in your dream and it’s a shock that you even realize that.

Immediately, you let your gaze fall - everything is throbbing just a little too much to meet his eyes. “And you were making some noises,” he continues. “You good?”

“Yeah,” you answer immediately. Too quick, you realize. Gibbs may not believe the dream was simply nothing, and it’s proven when he takes a small step closer to you. His shoes nearly nudge against yours, and you can’t stop yourself from tucking your feet under the chair away from him. 

His eyes are still on you. It takes an enormous amount of effort to keep your breathing steady and to stop the light shake of your hands to even pretend everything was normal. “You sure?” He asks. And this time, his tone is different. Just slightly - it wouldn’t even had been noticeable if dream-Gibbs hadn’t spoken so softly right in your fucking ear.

You need to get a fucking grip.

It was just a dream. A vivid, extremely hot dream. But a dream nonetheless. Not real.

“Very sure,” you reply, forcing your tone to sound more confident that you feel. It’s still impossible to meet his eyes - you know they’d be every bit as frosty blue and cool as in your dream, so you just spin your chair to face the desk. “You just woke me up from an intense dream.”

Gibbs hums a bit at the explanation. “Gonna tell me about it?”

“Definitely not.”

Out the corner of your eye, Gibbs just shrugs before turning back to his own desk and sitting down. Now that his whole focus isn’t on you, the rest of the world start to filter back in. The golden light of a setting sun coming in through the windows. The ambience of the office, winding down from a long day. Gibbs sipping his coffee. 

It gets easier to slow your beating heart. To ignore the slow, steady throb between your thighs. 

And carefully, you glance up across the bullpen to Gibbs. His eyes are on the monitor, paying you no attention.

“Gibbs.” That is, until you say his name carefully. Like an experiment. 

And when the shock of his eyes hits you once again, it’s nearly as powerful and earth-shaking as it was in the dream. But this time, you hold his gaze. Because there’s something you need to know before you can put this dream behind you and get back to work.

Your hand comes up, knuckles rapping lightly against the wooden surface of the desk. It sounds louder than it should. 

“Do you know what kind of wood this is?”

[rkrispyt]

Let me just get up on my soapbox for a second...

*ahem* Some advice for Portwell fans that no one asked for from a little old lady fangirl: do not engage with those seeking to drag you down to their level.

Let me first disclaim that this is me pausing in my morning routine to vent, so I apologize if this feels a bit all over the place or my thoughts aren't as organized as they could be. That being said...

I see fans of a certain ship (that has decided it automatically makes one anti-Portwell but I digress) desperately trying to engage Portwell shippers and I beg of you, for your own self-respect and sanity, pay them no mind.

It is so disheartening to now see on both Tumblr and Twitter some Portwell fans who are sinking to their level.

My old ass has been sucked into fangirling so many things over the years and one thing I wish I'd realized long before I did was that it's nearly impossible to change someone's mind on this kinda stuff. And also that it's not worth it (or, tbh, even fair) to attempt to.

The point of all this is that it's something you enjoy. Why let someone in who's only trying to turn it into something negative and insult it?

I cannot recommend enough that you live and let live/ship and let ship/stan and let stan. It is such a better use of your precious time and energy to focus on what you enjoy, rather than defending it to someone who is entitled to prefer something different and honestly is never going to come around because that's not how preferences work.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need to convert anyone or make them see what you see. You absolutely don't owe it to them to show up to a 'debate' that no one asked for. Especially not when they post repeatedly "sign up, we don't bite, it's going to be a safe space" and posts during/after indicate it the work was not done to keep it a safe space, on either side. No ma'am.

Let them all stew in their efforts to get our attention and validation of relevance. If they wanna believe their ship is superior, let them, who cares? I'm not wasting any of my time explaining to them why I switched from their ship to Portwell, I'd rather just enjoy Portwell while we're getting it.

As with any story being told, we never know what it will eventually bring. For now though, they are giving us an abundance of Portwell goodness. That can’t last forever. I don't want to miss a moment of experiencing that and celebrating it with all of you by giving certain shippers any of my attention. Cause who knows what the next few episodes or season(s) could bring. Everything could change and then look at what I'd have missed.

As someone who was a Glee ‘fan’ (iykyk) as it aired, I will never forget (or honestly forgive) the 'Samchel' shippers who were so upset that the ship I loved was getting some screentime and attention that they were determined to ruin it for us. We spent more time fighting them than enjoying all the wonderful things the show was giving us, and then it all went away out of nowhere and didn’t come back like we were so sure it would in the end. I took it for granted. I will not make that mistake ever again.

I don't owe them any of my time or attention to answer their demands to explain myself or consider their ship.

And maybe it's petty but nothing would make me happier than seeing a bunch of tweets or posts from them trying to engage us that are all completely ignored by us while we just gush over what we love about what we're currently getting.

So I'm just gonna be over here on my Portwell bullshit, if anyone wants to join me.

Also tumblrsaviour is your friend to avoid the nonsense posts.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

...um, can someone help my old ass down from this soapbox please?

[nbrook29]

love you to the moon and to saturn

This is part 4 of my Sander in NYC ‘verse. I posted it on ao3, but recently I’ve also been posting my fics on tumblr so here it is 😌

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 

Warnings: mild sexual content

* * *

Saturday, 10:00

His sleep was anxious, mind too preoccupied with stress to allow him to get a proper rest. The wake up was even worse as mere seconds after he blinked the sleep away from his tired eyes the memories of last night crept back in, flooding him with worry and making his brain replay the argument over and over again like a broken cassette. And then he checked his phone only to find a string of messages and missed calls, all from Sander, causing his stomach to twist with nerves at what they were going to say. 

His abrupt leaving had been a dick move and if Sander was pissed, Robbe knew he couldn’t blame him. So he stalled, finger barely swiping at the screen as he was unsure whether to unlock it and face the consequences or maybe throw the phone back on his bedside table and bury himself under the covers to wait for his courage to come back and for his nerves to settle.

Heaving a sigh, he chose option number one because it was the only rational one. 

He tapped Sander’s photo, holding his breath without even registering it.

Two seconds later he knew.

He didn’t need to worry.

 Sunday 13:00

Robbe hides another smile into his glass at the thought of yesterday’s evening, trying to focus on what Marie is saying. She’s talking animatedly about a guy she met at her new internship, hearts almost flowing out of her eyes as she swoons on the wooden stool and sips her black coffee. She’s the kind of girl who falls in love quickly and falls out of love just as quick. Across from where he’s sitting, he sees Fien and Lucas rolling their eyes at her exaggerated lovesick sighes making him snort in his marshmallow latte.

“Weren’t you obsessed with that lanky guy from Starbucks last week? What happened to him?”

Marie shrugs, tossing her long brown hair back from her shoulders. “I decided he was too old for me.”

“Didn’t you say he was 21?” Robbe interjects with amusement, remembering their group messenger chat he caught up with this morning.

“Exactly!” 

They all start bickering about the appropriate age difference in relationships, Robbe watching them as he munches happily on one of the soggy marshmallows he fished out from his cup, trying not to giggle at Lucas’ scandalized face at Marie calling 21 old. Robbe knows from the many stories Lucas has shared so far that his own boyfriend is a senior at college so his reaction is even more entertaining because of that.

It feels good to be around them again, Robbe thinks to himself. He’s been canceling on them way too often those last few weeks and he still feels guilty about it. They’re a fun bunch, their bantery dynamic established since day one when they all chose the middle row to sit in during their morning classes, and then promptly spent half of it bonding over the outrageous occurrence that was the absence of a coffee shop on the campus. Not long after, Robbe also discovered that apart from the passion for filmmaking, they all also like skateboarding. After that, the rest was history.

They were for sure a nice distraction from Robbe’s intrusive thoughts in the beginning of the semester. He lucked out, finding his group, his people, so early on in his college journey. But at some point even their goofiness and honest attempts at cheering him up weren’t enough. Not since the news from Sander came that he’s staying in New York until February and since the thing with Jens.

Now, observing them from over his half-drunk coffee, lips twitching at some of the more creative but still lowkey insults Marie and Lucas throw at each other, he realizes he has really missed them. They’re like siblings, the two of them, constantly bickering and teasing one another, but it’s all good-natured and amusing to watch. 

“Oh my god, let it go, children, for the love of god,” Fien cuts in abruptly, before turning her big expectant eyes on Robbe, twirling a lock of her hair around her finger and adding innocently, “I’d finally like to hear about Sobbe’s makeup.”

Heat rushes to Robbe’s cheeks and he scratches at the back of his neck, bashful all of a sudden. She’s the number one fangirl of his relationship, he has learned recently, but in a cute way, not creepy like Aaron sometimes used to be with his invasive questions. She always moans about being forever single, pouting at Robbe for some fluffy snippets and claiming in faux-seriousness that he owes it to the world to share them with others for being lucky enough to have a fairytale-like love story. 

Robbe has never disclosed to them how unfairytale-like some of the details are because it’s not his story to tell. But he really likes her so he always indulges her, usually after a bit of teasing. And, sue him, but he’s proud of his relationship and the fact that he of all people can call Sander his boyfriend, so even if he brags a little, he thinks he has good reasons for it. 

(He’s still kinda smug when he thinks about the time when he showed the three of them a photo of Sander, a pleased little smile on his face at their reactions and playful threats of stealing him for themselves.)

“Oh yeah, I wanna know too,” Marie agrees excitedly, scooting her chair closer to him. “You’ve been all smiley ever since you came over here so I’m guessing that hottie of yours did something right,” she ends on a teasing note, her waggling eyebrows leaving Robbe no doubts she expects some saucy details.

“Oh my god, stop,” he groans as he hides his face in his hands, his friends giggling at his embarrassment. “It wasn’t like that! We just… finally talked things out.”

 Saturday, 18:00 (flashback to last night)

Robbe’s been gnawing on his bottom lip relentlessly, completely unaware, to the point it’s a few bites away from drawing blood. He can’t help but feel nervous, the cursor hovering over the 'accept' button as he's rolling his eyes on himself internally, telling himself to stop making a bigger deal out of this that it needs to be. There is a bit of embarrassment clouding his logical reasoning to be honest, embarrassment about his overreaction last night.

Was it an overreaction? He's still not completely sure, but it's not like avoiding the situation is going to magically fix everything between them. Even though he'd really like that. It feels so awkward to be in this position. Robbe doesn't know what the protocol here is. They bicker, quite often even. Fight a little too, stomping off out of each other’s room grumpily but only over stupid stuff, nothing like this.

He's walking on an unknown ground just hoping he's not going to make things worse. He desperately needs their dynamic back because he's already over it. 

Not being able to share the most mundane every day stuff with each other over texts to joke about it, rile the other up or just vent about something stupid like their coffees not being hot enough on a given rainy morning sucks.

So he takes a deep breath and clicks on the button before he works himself into a never-ending second-guessing.

When Sander says a soft hi and smiles at him with the usual warmth in his eyes, something akin to relief courses through him from head to toe. 

He gives him his own tentative smile and a short hi, pushing himself higher against the pillows. Before Sander can say anything more, he lets go of what has been weighing down on him the entire day.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, contrite. “About yesterday. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just logged off like that without explanation. And then ignore your messages,” he adds after a pause because that’s what he feels most guilty about. He knows he’d freak out if Sander just cut him off without giving him an opportunity to talk things out, would worry himself sick. 

Sander looks conflicted, brows knitted together, like a part of him wants to reassure Robbe because it's in his nature, but the other part is genuinely hurt. Robbe doesn't want compassion. Not for that, because he knows he doesn’t deserve it. Causing Sander distress is the last thing he wants.

"Yeah, it did suck," he finally admits after a moment passes, and Robbe finds comfort in his honesty. It’s a good start. They won’t get anywhere with false niceties and pretending everything’s fine. Robbe tried pretending, yesterday and most of their calls before that, and it got them where they are now.

“I mean, I know you didn’t want to talk about your problems yesterday,” pausing, he scrunches up his nose a bit, “but maybe next time just don’t log off so abruptly so I know you’re okay?” his voice tilts on a hopeful note.

Robbe just nods, feeling shameful, hating that there’s not much more that he can do when he’s talking to him through his computer, and can’t exactly reach out to cuddle up to Sander’s side or kiss the underside of his jaw as a silent apology to then stay close for the rest of the evening as they heal together. 

It’s frustrating and disheartening, but it affects them both the same amount and Robbe needs to remember that. Because the truth is, Sander didn’t exactly give him a legitimate reason to doubt him or to think he didn’t miss him. Those full of hurt eyes Sander gave him yesterday at the suggestion have been eating away at him all day.

Robbe just got swallowed by his own insecurities and let the little things that bothered him consume him all instead of, well. Communicating.

Sander was right yesterday. Of course he was.

He knows he has some more apologies to give.

“I’m also sorry for not telling you earlier how I felt,” he keeps pouring his heart out, “and for, you know, assuming you don’t miss me much, and-”

“Woah, hey,” Sander stops him before he can get himself deeper into the spiral. “Robbe, I fucked up too, don’t take it all on yourself.” He adjusts his laptop and Robbe can see his face clearer now, his eyes bloodshot and tired, a clear sign of a sleepless night, and the guilt clogs his throat even more now.

“I should have seen something wasn’t right.” When Robbe shakes his head and goes back to apologizing, Sander shoots him a pointed look that makes him shut up. “I should have, don’t deny it. You know, I took a long walk yesterday after you hung up, to clear my head, but also to get a perspective on our latest talks. And I felt so dumb for not realizing you were not doing okay.”

“Sander, I don’t expect you to read my mind,” Robbe tries to joke, but it falls flat even in his own ears. But he can’t bear those big regretful eyes on him. He doesn't deserve them.

“Baby, I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you the way you needed me to. Please tell me now? What’s been bothering you, hmm?” 

Robbe scrubs his face trying to collect his thoughts, to find a concise way to get everything out of his chest, but he doesn’t know where to start.

“It may take a while.”

Sander makes a show of fluffing the pillow he placed against his back and getting himself more comfortable on his bed, sighing with contentment for a better effect. 

“Look, I’m in my comfy clothes, got an energy drink on my nightstand, the computer battery is full and I told everyone I’m busy so they won’t nag me with anything. I’m all yours today.” He gives him an encouraging smile, fondness etched into every crevice of his face.

Robbe’s heart does a little skip at his words, Sander’s demeanor so comforting that he feels the last pieces of apprehension ebbing away, the need to vent overpowering the hesitation of showing his vulnerability. 

“I think I just found myself overwhelmed with some things,” he admits quietly, picking at his nail, an absent-minded habit when he’s nervous, as he’s trying to find the right words. “A lot has changed in those last few months, almost all at once, and I kinda have trouble coping. And like,” he scoffs at himself, “I’m angry with myself ‘cause I should be enjoying most of it, being in college and majoring in something that I actually like, and it’s great, but I can’t help but focus on all the things that are different now, things that are not so great.”

Before continuing, he flicks his gaze to Sander for a second, only to then cast his eyes back to his lap. “The last two years with you were the happiest of my life, you know? After years of bullshit and constant misery and pretending to be somebody I wasn’t I-,” he sighs, bittersweet smile on his lips,”I finally found my person, you know?”

Sander mirrors his smile, but he’s frowning a little. “But you still have me,” he reminds him softly.

“I know, but it sucks when I can’t just, I don’t know, snuggle up you and forget about stuff. It’s all your fault, by the way, you’ve been too good to me and now I have withdrawal symptoms,” he pouts, and hears Sander chuckling on the other side of the screen.

“You have no idea how much I wish virtual hugs were a thing. And kisses, oh my god, kisses too. I’m so kiss-deprived. Once I finally get my hands on you, I won’t let you go for a week.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

For a short moment, Sander manages to bring a genuine smile on his face, but it quickly disappears when the reality sets back in. There are still almost four long months to get through. He watches Sander’s smile slipping off his face slowly and he knows they’re both thinking about it.

The boy sighs deeply. “You know, sometimes I feel like it was a mistake to-”

Robbe’s eyes snap to him. “No, no, no, don’t think that, it wasn’t a mistake. Please don’t feel guilty or something, that’s the last thing I want you to do,” he stresses. Sander still looks conflicted, and fuck, this is exactly what Robbe wanted to avoid.

“Hey, I’m serious. Look, you not being here is tough, but like I said, it’s just things piling up, changing. Shit like school work that has been piling up and me getting so stressed about the end-of-the-semester project because I still haven’t figured out the details. Plus people moving away, all of that makes it difficult for me to adjust. So don’t go thinking it’s because you’re the center of my universe or something,” he ends his rambling with a feigned-offended huff and Sander easily lets them slip into their usual banter.

“I’m not?! Wow, the things a guy finds out after being such a devoted and doting and loving boyfriend.” He wipes the imaginary tear, letting out a long-suffering sigh. “Such a menace, breaking my heart in half on this lovely Saturday afternoon.” He purses his lips in offence and Robbe is grateful for Sander’s attempt to lift the mood, trying to be upbeat.

He feels a tug in his chest thinking about how if Sander was here, he’d be tackling him to the nearest surface to shut him up with tickles and loud smooches and playful jabs in the sides and how they would make much more noise than necessary, acting like the rambunctious teens they are.

That’s going to have to wait too. But he discovers this thought doesn’t hurt as much as it would have yesterday because their conversation right now, this opportunity to vent and Sander’s texts last night, all of it makes him feel better, helps him see he’s not alone.

“I love you,” he blurts out all of a sudden, and it’s something he’s wanted to say since he read his heartfelt texts this morning that almost made him cry in relief.

Sander blinks a couple times, surprised, but then his previously playful face melts into such a fond look it makes Robbe blush like it was the first time he said it.

The I love you too comes right away, soft and quiet, like he’s telling a secret, and it’s heart-stoppingly precious.

To keep himself from drowning in fuzzy feelings, he shoots him a private little smile and steers the conversation back to his friends, telling him how it sucks that it’s they all now live away and how unexpectedly difficult it is to meet up. Robbe’s used to basically having everyone at arm-reach.

“We do video call, obviously, but you know, Milan is all loved up with Ralph in Amsterdam and not that keen on leaving their love nest and Zoe and Senne keep traveling between Genk and Ghent, which with Zoe’s coursework and internship is already a struggle. I don’t think they’re doing that well, actually,” he winces, remembering their last conversation.

If during freshman year somebody had told Robbe who his best friends were going to be, he’d looked at them as if they had grown two heads. Because for real, Jana’s new friend and her roommate? And school’s fuckboy? 

But life’s funny like that sometimes. Moving into their apartment in his sophomore year has been one of the best decisions he’s ever made. His number one best decision is currently frowning at him from his dirty screen.

“Oh, that sucks. Do you think they’ll work it out?” 

Robbe sighs deeply, propping his chin on the heel of his palm. “Senne has been thinking about finding a job in Genk so I hope so.”

Sander huffs a laugh suddenly, shaking his head. “Wow, I wish I was in his place and there were only 2 hours between us, instead of a whole ass ocean.”

“Yeah, I think once you’re back we’re gonna have a master's degree in that long distance bullshit,” Robbe smiles at him wistfully. 

“Ugh, never again though. You’re not getting rid of me, it sucks without you, Robin.” He sounds so grumpy Robbe can’t help the short giggle that escapes him, but deep down he’s happy they both share that sentiment.

They’re staring at each other now, enjoying the moment before Sander shoots him a knowing look. “You haven’t mentioned Jens.”

That sobers him up enough for the fuzzy feelings to disappear from his stomach. 

Jens. There’s not much to talk about really. And isn’t that a punch-in-a gut kind of truth considering it was his best friend? Isn’t it heartbreaking that Robbe didn’t even feel like fighting for that relationship and there’s a nagging voice in his head telling him that Jens didn’t either? Just a regular heated argument was enough to finally cut that last string, to put a stop to a friendship that had been hanging by a thread long before. Not that they had noticed.

He felt awful, afterwards. More alone than ever before. But deep down he knew it had only been a matter of time. He just wished Sander had been there to pick up the pieces.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Robbe winces, going back to apologizing once he translates his feelings to words the best he can, hoping he made Sander understand.

The boy pulls a face at him, eyes narrowed as he pretends to give him a stern look. “Enough with apologizing today, okay?” He waits until Robbe nods, albeit begrudgingly, because it’s in his second nature to keep saying sorry when he knows he messed up.

He nestles against his pillows to get more comfortable as he glances to the window, registering that sometime during their call it got completely dark outside, November days getting shorter still. He can feel tiredness starting to creep into his bones, the nervous anticipation before their call he had endured all day wearing him down significantly. 

There are still some things he needs to get out of his chest and Sander coaxes them gently one by one, listening to him moaning and groaning about his school course load and how he thinks he’s not skilled enough to come up with interesting ideas and being quick to cut him off and reassure him when Robbe’s words get self-deprecating. He’s so attentive and so patient with him, not even an ounce of judgement in his eyes that Robbe feels the pressure and stress that have accumulated over the last few weeks finally letting go with each word he pours out.

When the conversation eventually steers to Robbe’s uni friends and he admits sheepishly that he kinda ghosted them lately, feeling too blue to go out and have fun, Sander interrupts him mid-sentence.

“You should reach out to them, tonight.”

At Robbe’s unsure look, he continues, “If they’re as cool as you made them out to be, I’m sure they’re gonna understand you needed some time to figure things out.”

He then proceeds to cover his ears and whistle, refusing to talk more until Robbe caves and shoots a text to the group chat, trying to keep it short, but explaining things along the way and making amends. Sander’s very pleased with his persuasion skills, beaming at him when Robbe reads him the replies he gets from Lucas, Marie and Fien, wearing a small smile himself as he rolls his eyes at Sander’s smug face. 

Sander then asks about his mom and it’s so sweet because he always makes sure to ask, and Robbe falls for him even more each time he does. He’s a bit reluctant when Robbe tries to make him talk about his recent days, keeps saying this call is not about him, but he gives in before Robbe gets upset about it.

Watching his eyes light up with excitement when he talks about his classes works like a balm for Robbe’s yearning heart, Sander’s genuine happiness making his own struggles worth it. It’s a nice reminder that he’s there to make his dreams come true and that it’s everything Robbe has wished for him.

When Sander talks about shenanigans with his friends, Robbe recalls the TikTok video he watched some days ago.

“Nice Michael Jackson moves, by the way,” he comments, trying to sound innocent, but it ends up coming out a little coyishly as he bites at his finger to hide his smirk. 

Confusion clouds Sander’s face but only for a second. Then, his lips stretch in a wide grin and he looks very pleased with the confession. “Have you been stalking me, Robin?”

Robbe shrugs, a picture of innocence as he keeps peeking at him from under his lashes. “I might’ve seen a video or two. They’re all so thirsty for you in the comments though,” he adds, putting a note of faux-jealousy in his voice. He quickly noticed that Sander’s new uni friend is semi-popular on the app so his videos always get a fair share of comments. Ever since Sander appeared in them, the hoard of the guy’s fans has been declaring their love for Robbe’s boyfriend under every video. They mostly make him laugh, but sometimes he’ll roll his eyes at some of the raunchier ones, possessiveness that he didn’t know he had activating in his brain.

He waits for Sander’s cocky comment, but to his utter delight, he blushes deep red and scoffs.

“Shut up, it’s so embarrassing,” hiding his face in his hands, he adds, “All of my friends have been teasing me about it constantly.”

“Aww, poor you, being fawned over must be such a hardship, how do you cope?”

“Oh I don’t know, smartass, you can tell me from experience ‘cause I saw those comments under your old vlogs.” 

Robbe huffs a laugh. “They were nowhere near as detailed as yours!”

“What can I say, I’m irresistible,” Sander quips back and yeah, there he is, Robbe’s favorite (cocky) dork. “If I’d known you’re my TikTok fan, I’d have sent you those videos right away so you wouldn’t have to waste your time searching for them."

Robbe sighs. “They are a nice window to your life there,” he replies offhandedly, not even registering the implied double meaning to his words, but the immediate change in Sander’s amused expression makes him aware of the slip.

Fuck. 

“So you noticed. That I’ve been texting you less.”

Robbe drops his gaze, pulling the cover further up his body, feeling awkward again. He doesn’t want to make a big deal out of this.

Sander shifts on his bed, scratching at his head. “I felt like I was too much, you know? I wanted to share every silly thing with you, but then, well, it was something Josh said that I should,” he waves vaguely trying to find the right words, “cut back on my ‘running commentary’ ‘cause it’s probably annoying.”

“Tell Josh he’s stupid,” Robbe cuts in with a huff, grumpily beating his pillow into submission to make it more comfortable. 

The corners of Sander’s mouth twitch at his comment, but his face remains sheepish. “I think he was mostly joking, but it got stuck in my mind and made me question every message. In the end, I didn’t send like half of them,” he explains softly, voice colored with poorly hidden self-consciousness. “I didn’t want to give you the impression I don't have time for you, I’m sorry.”

And, fuck. They’re both idiots.

Sander’s brows shoot up when Robbe bursts into giggles out of the blue, clearly surprised with the reaction. But at this point, it feels like the only proper thing to do.

“So basically we could have avoided this whole bullshit if we just talk about all this sooner,” he groans at the realization, burying half on his face in his pillow to hide his heated face because he’s a little embarrassed he blew things out of proportion.

There’s a visible relief on Sander’s face too, eyes crinkling as he regards him with a dopey grin, and Robbe knows.

They’re gonna be fine. 

“Here I thought we were masters of communication,” Sander sighs with a faux-disappointment, leaning back to smile at the ceiling. “Fuck, no more of assuming shit, what do you think?”

And that sounds like something Robbe can get behind one hundred percent, more than ready to leave their misunderstandings in the past and just do better. So he nods, chin digging into his collarbone uncomfortably with the position he’s lying in, but it doesn’t matter, he’s too preoccupied with staring at his happy face and swimming in his fuzzy feelings.

“Prepare yourself for an onslaught of photos and messages, I’m not messing around,” Sander warns, smiling at Robbe’s soft okay. “You know, just a few days ago I ended up at Pebble Beach, it was cold as all fucks, but the view was just,” he imitates an explosion over his head and Robbe giggles at his childlike enthusiasm. Then, Sander’s face softens and becomes a little sad. “That place is so romantic that it made me feel like shit without you there,” he sighs, and Robbe can relate. “I’ll take you there one day.”

“You’re gonna take me to New York?” Robbe asks, doubt lacing his voice as he cocks his brow which makes Sander scoff in indignance.

“Hell yeah! You don’t believe me? What do you think I’m doing here everyday? I’m scouting the best places for dates, finding the best skateparks and checking out all the museums so I can be the perfect guide for you!” Sander throws his hands, a duh expression on his face, but there’s a wide smile brewing on his lips letting Robbe know he’s not really offended or anything. And, honestly, Robbe just melts with his words.

“I can’t wait, baby,” he sighs dreamily, rubbing his cheek against his pillow as he gazes at him with what he’s sure is the softest look. 

Sander narrows his eyes playfully from above the can of Redbull he’s been sipping on. “Don’t ever doubt I’m gonna go out of my way to impress you.” 

Robbe blows him a kiss that morphs into a huge yawn, eyelids growing heavy, forcing him to blink repeatedly to stay away which prompts Sander to tease him a little about boring him, but it quickly dies out and he’s just looking at him fondly.

“You should go to sleep.” He ignores Robbe’s melodic neeees, giving him a stern look that was probably supposed to be intimidating, but he looks too amused to keep it up. Once Robbe gets his promise they will see each other tomorrow, Sander sends him several virtual kisses and goodnights before logging off.

Robbe falls asleep with Sander’s beaming face flowing through his mind.

The sleep that comes is unsurprisingly the calmest he’s had in weeks.

 Sunday, 18:00

Sander: And?

Robbe: And what?

Sander: Was I right?

Robbe: About?

Sander: About your friends

Robbe: Kinda

Sander: So it means I was 😎

Robbe: :):):) yes

Sander: Thank you sander

Robbe: Thank you sander 

Sander: See, you're so precious everybody's in love with you and forgive you in seconds 

Robbe: 🙄 

Robbe: Precious srsly?

Sander: So precious 🥰

Robbe: Omg

Sander: Haha

Robbe: We're good 😊

Robbe: But I don't think they are in love with me 😂

Sander: They better not be 🤨 I'll fight them all! 🗡💀🧟🤺

Robbe: Dork ❤

Robbe: I think they a little bit in love with u though 🤔 

Robbe: They've been babbling all afternoon about how cute you are 🙄

Robbe: A g a i n *yawn*

Sander: They have good taste 🤷♂️

Robbe: Nah they just don't know your annoying habits so that's why

Sander: 😮 I don't have any how dare you badmouthing me like that

Robbe: 🥴

Robbe: You never wash your coffee cups right away so they lay around

Robbe: You always tickle me when you want sth

Robbe: You're full of corny jokes

Robbe: You eat my fries when I don't look 

Robbe: You hog the covers

Robbe: And I still remember that Wednesday when you ate my last bag of chips 💔

Sander: Okay first of all

Sander: Wow

Sander: Don't hold back 🥺

Sander: Second of all

Sander: I THOUGHT THOSE CHIPS WERE MILAN'S I TOLD YOU!!!

Robbe: That's what they all say 💔

Sander: You're unfair, I thought I made up for that lil mistake 🍆

Robbe: Well you did 🙈 but I still remember 😝

Sander: Also you love my jokes

Sander: They're awesome 🤧

Robbe: I'm just messing around 😘😘

Sander: 🥰

Robbe: But I swear to god if I have to listen one more time to Marie waxing lyricals about your 'perfect moles' I'm gonna 🤮

Sander: What haha 😂

Robbe: I mean they are but like

Robbe: Chill girl he's not your man 🤨

Sander: That's right cause I'm your man 😏

Robbe: And don't you forget that

Thursday, 3:48

Soft knuckles brush his skin, body arching into the touch that turns his muscles into jelly and sends liquid fire rushing through him. He’s overheated in the best way possible, seeking out Sander’s tongue, but the boy denies him access, smirk well in place as he pulls back, green eyes cloudy from lust. He’s staring at him like he wants to eat him whole and Robbe almost whimpers, bones melting and lids closing when Sander takes the tender flesh of his neck between his teeth and bites at it ever so gently, but just enough to make Robbe see stars. 

He sighs as he feels a ghost of touch on his nipple, Sander leaving a trail of kisses down his sternum as he’s moving so teasingly slow to his final destination, and he doesn’t even hesitate, spreading his legs wider around Sander’s hips in a blatant invitation, blushing hot pink when Sander sends him a fox-like grin, mouthing at his inner thigh.

The details get fuzzy for a few seconds, Robbe blinking rapidly to get his surroundings and finding himself on top of Sander, and there’s an inkling at the back of his brain telling him something’s messed up about the logistics here. He decides to ignore it, focusing back on the moment and Sander’s glistening, kiss-swollen lips, on his eyes transfixed on the place where they’re connected, and he leans down, his tongue sweeping over his Sander’s bottom lip before he starts pressing soft, spit-slick kisses into his mouth. He pushes Sander’s hands up over his head and intertwines their fingers, arching his back as he takes over, the rush of pleasure almost overwhelming him.

“Ohmygod, Sander,” Robbe breathes into his mouth. His hands are trailing all over Sander’s chest and stomach now, squeezing and rubbing almost like he’s his personal plaything.

It’s not long before Sander’s warm hands draw him back towards his chest, lips ghosting along Robbe’s, teasing, always teasing, but not granting permission to properly meet, making Robbe impatient and whine in desperation only for Sander to grin wickedly at him. He feels nails dragging along his spine, leaving goosebumps in their wake, stopping at his cheeks, massaging them to his heart content while Robbe can only pant, rocking back and forth and biting his bottom lip to keep from coming.

He’s an oversensitive, blissed out mess, trying to keep his eyes open to take a mental snapshot of Sander’s lust-blown pupils as they watch each other, Sander fucking him slowly and punching the prettiest sounds out of Robbe’s mouth.

Hips stuttering, he drops back down on his elbows to crash his lips against Sander’s, feeling his body tensing he’s so close and-

Eyes shot wide open, blinking harshly against the darkness of the room. His first instinct is to reach out to the other side of the bed, snuggle closer to the source of heat lying next to him, but his brain catches up with his hands quickly and he stops himself mid-reach, groaning as he flops back on the bed, disappointed. He kicks his covers down grumpily, letting cold air hit his overheated skin, frustrated and too awake to go to sleep now.

Fuck.

 Thursday, 13:08

*photo attached*

Sander: Good morning x

Robbe: Heeyy sleepyhead 😘

Robbe: You look cute

Sander: I had very interesting dreams last night 

Robbe: Oh yeah? 

Sander: Yeah I'm still affected by them 😏

Robbe: Stop it I'm at a coffee shop with the guys!

Sander: I'll have to tell you about it tonight then 😈

Robbe: Can't wait 😘

Sander: Today at 16 my time right? 

Robbe: Yep :) 

Robbe: You know

Sander: Hmm?

Robbe: I might have some of those dreams too last night

Sander: 🥵🥵🥵

Sander: Do tell

Robbe: 🙈

Sander: Now I’m super intrigued 😈

Robbe: How about I tell you tonight 

Robbe: With details

Robbe: Lots of them

Sander: Tonight can't come fast enough 😩

Sander: Looks like I will though 😏

Robbe: Omg you're such a dork 😂

Sander: Did it get u hot

Robbe: No wtf 😂

Sander: ☹🥺

Sander: Kay

Sander: I have to get up now

Sander: I'm late 🙄

Sander: Robin it's raining I don't wanna go out 😩

Robbe: Haha get your pretty ass out of bed and go be a good student!

Sander: Ugh fine 🙄

Sander: I love you ❤

Robbe: ❤

Sander: Hey no, not an emoji, tell me you love me ☹

Robbe: Haha

Sander: Come on

Robbe: 🤐

Sander: Robbe

Robbe: Gotta go 😌

Sander: Okay then 😔💔

Robbe: I love you too idiot ❤❤❤💯

Sander: Yesss 🥰

Sander: Hey that's my emoji 😏 so you like it after all

Robbe: 😂 go to class!!! 

Sander: I'm going I'm going

Friday, 19:00

Robbe checks his phone for time again, not wanting to be late for his call with Sander, but there’s still about half an hour until he should get going. It’s been a pleasant evening and a while ago he would have never called any time of the day spent with his father ‘pleasant’, but there he is. Enjoying his dinner not only with him but also with his girlfriend of six months that he met in July when the first attempts to salvage the relationship with his dad have been made. 

And it’s all because of Sander. The fact that he’s even here speaks volumes about his skill of persuasion. If it hadn’t been for his boyfriend, Robbe would have continued to stew in his own juices and ignored his dad. 

“How is Sander doing? New York is a jungle.”

Robbe huffs a laugh. “He’s good, he fits in well in the city vibe. But, um, he needs to stay a bit longer, till February actually ‘cause the school postponed the art show.”

He goes for another bite, frown on his face at the mere reminder of the change of plans. 

“You probably hate it, huh?” his father questions. 

His only response is to throw him a duuuh look, making his dad snort.

“You should visit him.”

Robbe looks up from over his spaghetti, expecting to see his dad laughing or winking at him, but both him and Margaux are looking at him with unsuspecting smiles, like the suggestion is the most obvious thing in the world.

He exhales a short dad in a laugh, glancing at them back and forth. “I don’t have a spare several thousand euros lying around waiting to be spent on a trip to New York,” he explains, slight exasperation in his voice. 

“Oh I don’t think you’d need that much, Robbe,” Margaux smiles at him as she puts away her fork and reaches for her phone. “A few months ago I was actually backpacking with my friend through the East Coast and, wait, let me check, I have everything saved on my AirBnB account.”

Robbe gets back to his dinner as she scrolls on her phone, trying to squish the building hope in his chest away because even if it’s cheaper than he thinks, there’s still no way he can afford it; his equipment and books for school have eaten all of his savings.

“There it is! Look,” she scoots her chair closer to him, his dad peeking at the phone from the other side. “We stayed in Brooklyn for 98$ a day for a double bed, in Bedford to be exact and the conditions were really nice, plus the train station was close by. I’m sure you could find something half as cheap since it’s just you and the room can be tiny, just to sleep really.”

“That’s a reasonable price, I think,” his dad joins in, and then proceeds to ask her questions about her other expenditures while in the city and the flight prices, debating whether it’s better to drive to Frankfurt and take a direct flight from there or maybe decide on a layover flight from Brussels. 

They are so into the planning and discussing the best options that they both jump slightly when Robbe speaks again, clearly forgetting he’s sitting right next to them, a picture of confusion. 

“Guys, guys, wait. It doesn’t matter if it’s 1500 euros, or even 1000 euros because that’s still a 1000 euros more than I have to spend on a trip anywhere.” 

His dad is so enthralled into checking different flights that he barely raises his head from above his phone, replying offhandedly, “I’ll pay for it.”

And, okay, no. Robbe gapes at him like he grew two heads, spluttering, because hell no.

“No way, I won’t take your money, dad.”

His vehement tone finally makes his father properly regard him and he sighs after a second. “Robbe, please don’t treat it as an attempt to buy you or your feelings.”

Straight to the point, his dad, always has been. It definitely is one the reasons for his refusal, but it’s not only that.

Robbe takes a deep breath to calm down. “Look, dad, it’s still lots of money. I can’t-”

“I’m many things, but irresponsible with money I’m definitely not. So if I say that I can pay for it, it means that I can afford it and it won’t affect me.” He gives him a pointed look. Before Robbe can argue again, he continues. “We can treat it as your Christmas gift. And next year’s birthday gift. And last two Christmases gifts as well.”

Robbe thinks about the packages he received from his father those holidays, and how he sent them back without even opening. Then, it definitely felt like buying his affection.

“You’ve been doing good at school, got into the university you wanted, you’ve been more responsible those last few years that I could’ve ever asked from you. Then you worked during the summer because you were adamant about paying for school stuff yourself. I think you earn it, Robbe. If you don’t want to go for other reasons, then that’s fine, but if it’s just about the money, please let me give you this.”

“New York is the kind of place everyone should visit at least one,” Margaux says gently. She has a warm smile that immediately made Robbe like her, despite really trying not to for obvious reasons. “And I think Sander would love for you to come visit too.”

Robbe has been torn before she spoke, but the mention of Sander reminds him of their videocall a while back, Sander telling him about places he was going to show him one day, being his guide and taking him to his favorite spots in the city. He can see it all vividly now when the opportunity is at his fingertips, can’t stop the excitement filling his body at the thought of seeing Sander before that dreadful February, even though he’s still now sure what to do.

While he’s been lost in his thoughts, trying to come to some conclusion, Margaux has been typing away at her phone. “Dates around Christmas are very expensive, but what would you say about, let’s say, December 8th? Til December 17th?”

Robbe wouldn’t even consider Christmas because there’s no way he would leave his mom alone for the holidays, but… the dates Margaux offered seem kinda perfect. His main project is due on December 4th so he wouldn’t have to worry about that and it’d be fine if he missed classes for those several days. Completely unaware, he finds himself making plans in his head before he even made a decision to accept his father’s money, but when his eyes snap to his dad’s, the small smile he gives him lets him know he already knows Robbe’s answer.

 December 7th, 22:00

His excitement has been uncontainable the entire day, making him so giddy he had to cancel his regular call with Sander because his boyfriend would figure him out in seconds. And that’s the last thing he wants. 

He’s still in shock that he somehow managed to keep it from him, planning a surprise in his head ever since he agreed to his dad’s help and working extra hard at uni to afford missing those 8 days of school. There’s apparently been one close call when Younes almost spilled the beans to Sander during their Zoom, but thank god for Yasmina who managed to effortlessly salvage the secret, improvising and coming up with an easy lie, leaving him unsuspicious of any ploy going on.

And Robbe just. He just can’t wait. He’s been counting hours since last week, his lips yearning to be kissed by his favorite person, body pining for touch and caress. 

Lost in the dreams of their reunion, Robbe’s startled by a ping from his phone, lips stretching in a wide smile when he sees a notification from Sander’s instagram. He opens it, curious, melting when he’s greeted with a graffiti sign saying ENKEL LIEFDE, Sander’s style easily recognizable to him. Underneath, there’s a heart and his own handle and that shit never fails to make Robbe heart stutter. There’s a DM from Sander waiting for him as well, the same photo, but Sander’s caption says The High Line needed its own version of my love declaration for you, but unfortunately I couldn’t find enough space for a redo of your gorgeous face Robin :( So I did this :) You like it?

He replies with a bunch of red hearts, likes the post and adds another heart in a comment because there’s never too many of those. Then he flops back on his bed, a smile glued to his face.

Nineteen hours.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I saw your r recent contribution to the post about hard vs soft magic systems and I agree wholeheartedly. You also mentioned having a bunch of worldbuilding and stuff about the magic system, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share some?

(For reference, this is the post in question)

Certainly! While the worldbuilding/magicbuilding hellscape i was describing in the notes is actually in regards to an original-content wip I've been working on, i also have a LOT of headcanons regarding the BBCM magic system too! (Do not ask about my wip's magic system, because i won't be able to shut up about it)

WARNING: long post ahead and mobile won't let me include a cutoff/read-more line. If you're not interested, get ready to scroll down like your life depends on it (and it does).

So! First things first. Here's what we know about the BBCM magic system:

Magic requires spells, most of the time. This seems like a no-brainer, but still an important distinction. There are a lot of magic systems that don't require vocalized spells - Avatar: the Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Ninjago, to name a few. Spells are rather common for wizard/witch/medieval fantasies, and are typically used to control and channel the intent of the magic. This suggests that the magic of BBCM is some kind of force or energy that needs spoken commands to control.

Spells are repurposed words from Old English, aka the language of the Old Religion. (Let's ignore the obvious anachronistic nightmare of the fact that Old English is exactly the same language they would've been speaking in this time period.)

The use of a spell causes someone's eyes to flare gold, plus that fancy wooshing sound effect that Arthur miraculously never hears. This suggests that magic somehow changes your physiology, although it could be also just be a side effect of channeling.

However, magic doesn't always require a spell. Though never fully explained, it appears to be something only innate magic users are capable of - Merlin, Morgana, Mordred. It is something less controllable than spellwork, typically governed by moments of strong emotion rather than logical intent.

The show consistently flip-flops between the idea that magic is something you're born with, and that Merlin is rare for being born with magic. It's never clarified just how someone acquires magic. Gaius asks Merlin where he studied, suggesting that it's something you can learn, while Balinor claims that you either have it or you don't. Though not confirmed fact, i suspect it's similar to how it works in the show Supernatural. There, some witches are natural-born, while others are taught (and some get their powers from spooky demon deals).

It has a life-for-a-life policy. Basically like the Law of Equivalent Exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, a life cannot be created without another one being sacrificed first. This rule only canonically applies to creating life/the Cup of Life, and any other possible applications aren't addressed.

This rule apparently doesn't apply to animals, as Merlin brought a dog statue to life without killing anyone (that we know of), and Valiant's shield had three live snakes in it. However, it's possible that lives were taken as payment in the process of animation without Merlin's knowledge, but it never happens on screen so we don't know. So either a) animals don't have souls to exchange in the life-for-a-life policy, b) they do but it happens off-screen, or c) those animated animals aren't actually alive.

The Cup of Life infuriates me from a magicbuilding perspective. Ignoring the obvious question of how it came into the druids' possession, its existence isn't clearly defined. Does it require the fancy rain ritual that Nimueh gave it, or was she just extra? Why does drinking from it give you life, while bleeding into it makes you undead and also mindlessly obedient to the sorcerer who made you as such? Were there life-for-a-life consequences for creating an immortal army? Wtf happened on the Isle of the Blessed to allow Merlin to "master life and death", and what does that even mean? All valid questions that never get answered.

Spells sometimes need need a 'source'. Think the staff from "The Tears of Uther Pendragon" and Morgana from "The Fires of Idirsholas." It is unclear what makes these spells different/special.

There is a power hierarchy. Some spells are too powerful for some practitioners to cast, although the reason for this is unclear. Does it drain you of energy/life force? Do you exhaust/overwork your magic muscles? Do you get a little pop-up that says 404 Magic Not Found? Unclear.

Magic is something that can be trained and improved. For example, Morgana gradually became more powerful over time. Merlin naturally had a lot of power straight off the jump and just had to discipline it, but he's a ~special~ case so he doesn't count.

There are some subsets of magic that are definitively born traits. Morgana is a Seer, possessing this capability even before her magic manifested. Likewise, Merlin is a dragonlord, which he inherited from Balinor. Although Balinor did mention that it wasn't a sure thing he would have the ability until he faced a dragon, so there may be some variation in whether or not someone lucks out in the Magic Gene Pool. This may suggest that natural-born magic is hereditary, as both Morgana and her sister Morgause had it. Vivienne and Gorlois both probably didn't have it, otherwise you'd hear Uther bellyaching about it, which raises the question of where they got it? A grandparent, perhaps? Maybe they both carried a recessive magic gene or something...

Unless you're Merlin, magic can be taken away by the Gean Canagh. It's not explained how this is possible, though, as it's never explained how you acquire magic in the first place. But Merlin never lost his magic because he's "magic itself" which if you ask me is just a deus ex machina wrapped inside a headache wrapped inside a heaping load of chosen one bullcrap. But it's canonical lore, so we have to consider it.

Despite my previous complaints, i actually find the idea of Merlin being "magic itself" rather intriguing. Is he a creature of magic, like a dragon or a questing beast? Is his body made of magic, like how a statue might be made of clay? Does it run through his veins like blood? If this is the case, then why didn't he suffer more severe ramifications for losing his magic? Why didn't it kill him? How did it restrict his magic in the first place? Placebo effect? The fanon explanation is that he's "the living embodiment of magic" but that makes my bullcrap richter scale shoot off the charts because that makes NO sense whatsoever. "Son of the earth, sea, and sky?" What does that MEAN?

There is a vivid link between magic and the Old Religion, which has its own beliefs and rituals and deities. Primarily, the Triple Goddess. The Triple Goddess is actually an existing deity in Neopaganism and Wicca. This also suggests the existence of the Horned God, another entity from neopagan lore and her masculine consort/counterpart, but that is never confirmed.

WHO. OR. WHAT. IS. THE. FREAKING. DOCHRAID. She's described as a creature of magic, which suggests that humans/humanoids can be creatures of magic, fueling my theory that 'Emrys' isn't human.

Destiny exists. It is unclear who creates/writes destiny, who controls it, who or what is privy to knowing about it, and what that means for the concept of free will.

The crystal cave is a thing, i guess. It's the heart of magic, is haunted by Taliesin, and is filled with prophetic crystals. I actually skipped the episodes that involve this stuff because i disliked them, so i don't know much about the Crystal Cave. Apparently ghosts can manifest there tho???

The veil is a thing too. It is unclear how some spirits can retain their human figure and mentality, like Balinor and Uther, but others become dorocha. I imagine its also like Supernatural - being a ghost for long enough will drive you insane, and though it takes a while all spirits eventually turn into dorocha.

Creatures of magic exist. These are normal creatures who have magic imbued into them somehow.

Okay, i think that's everything we know. It seems like a lot, but keep in mind that all of those rules are VERY nebulous. But that at least gives us a jumping-off point!

So here's my working theory/headcanon.

Magic comes from a connection to the spiritual energies of the Triple Goddess. Kinda like a third eye, and for the sake of simplicity that's what we'll call it. The druids have adapted a way of life that revolves around faith and magic, likely in an attempt to cultivate and one day attain this Third Eye. Like Gaius, who trained with the High Priestesses, you can study and practice and discipline yourself into acquiring it.

Magic is a cosmic force owned by the Triple Goddess, accessible to anyone with the Third Eye link. Imagine the Triple Goddess as a milkshake and the so-called Third Eye as a straw. The studying and training that people dedicate their whole lives to is basically just looking for/building a straw.

However, some people are just naturally born with a straw in hand, but require practice and study to be able to properly use it. Or like Morgana, it takes a few years for them to even find it/activate it.

Spellcasting is essentially just sucking through the straw, and the vocalized spells gives that Magic Milkshake some purpose/intent/shape.

The bigger the spell, the more Magic Milkshake is required. Some people have bigger/wider straws than others, so magic comes easier for them. But with enough training and practice anyone can widen their straw/strengthen their straw-sucking muscles to cast with the big leagues.

The Gean Canagh devours your straw/Third Eye. Perhaps you have to rebuild a new spiritual connection from scratch, or perhaps it permanently severs any and all connection to the Triple Goddess. Like getting excommunicated from the Church, only worse.

The Crystal Cave was/is the Triple Goddess's home, but she's out of town on a business trip atm so she left the spirit of her most loyal follower, Taliesin, to look after the place. It's super powerful and has all those cool crystals because it's hella steeped in her magic juices.

While most magic users get a standard-issue straw, others get Fancy Premium Membership Straws. Normal joe shmoes like Gilli have plastic straws, while a Seer like Morgana has a metal one or something (can you tell this metaphor is starting to get out of hand?). Those Premium Straws are only hereditary in nature. So there's a Seer Straw, or a Dragonlord Straw, or a Disir Straw, but it's also not a sure thing you'll even inherit it at all. It's all luck of the straw draw.

Creatures of magic aren't just animals that possess straws, though. They've been made/produced using magic rituals and processes and spells. Like Nimueh's afanc, nathairs, wraiths, shades, etc. So probably like a thousand years ago, some especially powerful shmuck came by and invented dragons. Which leads me to an important question: WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THE DOCHRAID WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Im reluctant to say these creatures were invented by the Triple Goddess, though, for reasons I'll get to in a moment.

So this still leaves the whole Cup of Life, life-for-a-life policy thing to be explained. I do believe that the policy is universally applicable to the creation of souls, and i do believe that animals have souls too. But individuals get their souls exchanged for those of equal value. So every soul has a certain weight to it, and you need to exchange souls of equal weight to create one. So when Merlin brought the dog to life, some random dog somewhere dropped dead against his knowledge.

Creating undead armies involves killing them and then resurrecting them. That's what 'undead' means. Zombies. So yes, to raise an immortal zombie army, Morgause's spell probably caused a bunch of people around the world to mysteriously drop dead.

Which leaves two last things to explain: destiny and Merlin.

Destiny is, i think, a combined effort between human choice and supernatural predeterminism. That is, for the most part humans make their own choices, but there are occasions where the Triple Goddess has to step in and do some course correction. Uther starting the Purge was free will, but Arthur and Merlin's destiny was an act of divine damage control. The Triple Goddess sets destiny into motion and informs a chosen few about it.

Okay SO. That leaves Merlin. And this is the bit im kinda excited about.

The Triple Goddess is a reservoir of power, a cosmic force of spiritual energy intrinsicallu linked to the fabric of the universe. People can spiritually reach out and tune into/channel her supernatural frequencies. But as a milkshake cannot suck itself through a straw, the Triple Goddess likewise cannot cast a spell. She can influence destiny, but she can't physically cast any magic on her own. That's why she didn't create the creatures of magic.

So a few years ago, Uther hecked up big time. And people of magic, the Triple Goddess's followers and acolytes and straw connections, were dying in droves. I can imagine that all those Third Eye tethers snapping en masse was painful for her to go through. She relies on the tethers to remain connected to the real world, and if all the tethers snap then she will be cut off from Earth altogether. And Earth requires magic to continue existing/thriving, so that's kind of a no-no.

So, the Triple Goddess knew that the only way to save the world was through divine intervention. Thus began the destiny of the Once and Future King and Emrys. She knew humanity is bigoted so there was bound to eventually be a repeat of Uther, so she made OaFK resurrectable, so they could keep him on the bench in case anyone ever needs him again.

Where does Merlin/Emrys fall into things?

Well. The Triple Goddess knew that saving her people and the world would require an immense magical undertaking, something no ordinary magic user would be able to pull off. But she has the power, if only she could use it. But a human can. So the Triple Goddess decided to be reborn into the body of a dragonlord's son. Merlin. Emrys. Magic itself.

Of course, this whole Being Born As A Human Thing is tricky, and as anyone familiar with reincarnation knows, you don't usually recall your past lives. So she became Merlin, unaware that he was ever the Triple Goddess. (Although she did add a clause saying she'd be destined to remember her past life eventually, which got hecked up for reasons ill explain later)

That's why so many creatures of magic/magic users recognize Merlin by his presence, why thr druids carry such reverence for him. Whereas the sidhe and other individuals don't recognize him, because they are blinded by heresy. They may have a spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess, but do not use her magic as she intended, and she's too busy wearing jaunty scarves to excommunicate them herself.

Why get the Once and Future King involved when she could just save everyone herself? Well, the Triple Goddess prefers to let the humans keep their agency and save themselves, and would rather remain in the role of protector/helper. Its just her nature.

But if that's the case, then why did Arthur's destiny fail? It's simple: Kilgharrah.

Remember what i said about the Horned God, counterpart to the Triple Goddess? Yeah, that's Kilgharrah. Like the Triple Goddess, he's another power reservoir, but he's jealous because people worship her and not him. He is against everything she does and actively seeks the destruction of the Triple Goddess's magic/influence for Jealous Evil Reasons. To stop him, the Triple Goddess enlisted some of her followers to bind him into the body of a dragon (perhaps this is how dragons were created) so he would never be able to do that. Years later, the Purge happened and "Kilgharrah" got locked away, further cut off from his power.

When Merlin walked in, unaware that he used to be the Triple Goddess, Kilgharrah seized his chance at revenge and manipulated Merlin into setting him free. Then, once free, he decided to lay claim to the power vacuum left by the Triple Goddess's quasi-absence. He began controlling destiny in whatever limited capacities he could, using magic of his own to permanently bury Merlin's knowledge of his past life. Then he ensured that Arthur would die and the Triple Goddess's magic would never return. But since he doesn't have FULL control over destiny (his powers are still limited by his dragon form, after all), he couldn't rewrite the bit where Arthur gets benched in Avalon. He's probably conspiring with the sidhe to ensure Arthur stays trapped there forever, or else he would've come back a long time ago.

As for how the Gean Canagh took Merlin's magic...well, yes, it devoured his Third Eye straw, but those are created by a strong spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess. And since he's literally the big TG himself, all he had to do was find himself again (by returning to his old home, the Crystal Cave) to recreate a new one.

Over the last 1500 years, Kilgharrah/the Horned God has been steadily accruing followers and worshippers in the hopes that one will become strong enough to release TG's bonds on him. Then he can kill her once and for all and claim full dominion over the universe, with the sidhe to support him.

I imagine that's how Arthur's resurrection would happen - Arthur and the rest of the dead Round Table are in Avalon when they learn about the treachery and plot to kill Merlin/take over the world, and spend the next few hundred years fighting their way out of Avalon.

Okay, I think that just about covers it. God, that was long. Any questions?

[sluttyten]

NCT Reaction: You Moan Another Member’s Name

request: How do you think the boys would react if you moan another members name during sex?

a/n: it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these and it’s probably time I start posting stuff again

Taeil

He’d take it so seriously when he’s fucking you and you moan another member’s name. Taeil would stop for a moment and look at you, noticing the way that you’ve gone wide-eyed and frozen, not quite meeting his eyes, and he wouldn’t know if you said that name because you’ve been cheating on him or if it just slipped out or if you’re turned on by the thought of the other member. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Taeil wants to show you that he can fuck you better, so he flips a switch and suddenly he’s incredibly dominant and rough with you.

Johnny

The moment that the other guy’s name leaves your lips Johnny levels you with a sharp gaze. “Am I not enough for you? Why are you bringing him into this?” But even as he talks his hands don’t leave your skin, his fingers touching you where you need him most. “I’m sorry, Johnny. I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t even know why I did. Please.” You arch into his touch and Johnny smirks. He’s not just going to let it go that you moaned another member’s name, he’s going to make you pay for it, make you work for an orgasm that Johnny graciously will give.

Taeyong

“What the fuck did you just say?” Taeyong would push away from you, and if looks could kill you’d be flat dead on the floor. You have to hurry to give him a good answer so he doesn’t end things with you right then, but no matter what you say, Taeyong won’t let you touch him. He leaves the room and it’s quite a while before you see him again, but eventually he comes back to bed. He’s clearly still not happy with what happened, but he accepts your apology and everything. Later, he teasingly calls out one of your friends’ names, and you push him away, but he laughs and kisses you, “Not so fun is it?” 

Yuta

Yuta was playing with you. You hadn’t meant to moan Taeil’s name, but you were positive that Yuta had totally meant to moan Taeil’s partner’s name. You push at his chest and Yuta just laughs and lays his hand over yours. “Aren’t we role playing as being in Taeil’s relationship? Call me Taeil again, my love, and see what happens.” The look in his eyes is vicious, daring. You almost do say Taeil’s name again just to see what will happen, but the moment passes when Yuta’s cock twitches inside of you and he slides in a bit deeper. “Yuta, please!” You moan and grip his sides, all of which satisfies him and Yuta begins fucking you as good and normal as he had before Taeil’s name ever left your lips.

Kun

His lips, which had previously been sucking at a sensitive spot on your throat, pull back, and you hear Kun say, “Excuse me?” You whine and try to pull him back down, loving the warm heat of his mouth on your skin. But he resists and clears his throat, “Why did you just moan Lucas’s name?” You frown and shake your head, “What? I didn’t.” Kun sits back now, pulling completely away from your body and you want to whine and reach for him again, but it doesn’t seem like quite the right move. “My ear was right by your mouth. I heard his name. Why?” How are you supposed to explain to Kun that you were thinking about their choreography, plotting at who would be where. You’re a choreographer for the group so it probably wouldn’t be too difficult but you don’t want to hurt his feelings by admitting you were thinking about something completely different from sex. In the end you have to tell him that so he’ll stop looking at you like a hurt and confused puppy.

Doyoung

Not mad, just disappointed. That’s the vibe you get from him when he comes back into the room later. Doyoung hadn’t said anything really when you moaned the other name. He’d just kinda casually put his hand over your mouth and thrust into you a little harder. But now, in the aftermath with the happy glow of your orgasms fading away, Doyoung gets into bed and turns his gaze on you, ready for an explanation that you can’t give. But then he surprises you by saying, “I don’t care if you’re attracted to him, but I don’t want to share you. So you forget about him when we’re together, alright?” And that’s the last he says on the matter.

Ten

Sarcasm is Ten’s automatic defense mechanism when you moan one of the other guys names while he’s got his hand down your pants and his tongue tracing one of your nipples. He makes a sound and steps back, withdrawing his touch, and you look up to find him tugging his jacket down. Ten’s got a strange fiery look that you think must be jealous, and he says very sarcastically, “This is too sexy. You moaning another guy’s name when I’m right here. God, it makes me so hard.” He drops the jacket and sits down, folds his arms over his chest, and just stares at you until you get up to come over to him, then he looks away. You bend over in front of him, cup his face, and kiss him gently. When you touch his crotch you find that he actually is still really hard. So either he’s turned on by jealousy or, yo I wonder as you press your lips to his throat and hear him let out a long-drawn moan, maybe Ten could like hearing you moan that other name if it meant that all three of you were together.

Jaehyun

Skype sex wasn’t the most ideal situation, but you were incredibly horny and Jaehyun had the hotel room to himself for a while, so you decided to get each other off as best as you could with the thousands of miles between you. Skype sex also isn’t the worst. You like watching Jaehyun jack off, hearing his moans seeing his skin flush, watching the way he touches his cock. He likes seeing you with your fingers inside yourself, entirely bare for his eyes and spread open for the camera, and he likes hearing your pants and moans, the breathy sound of your voice when you say his name. What he doesn’t like is when he suddenly hears you half-moan half-gasp “Johnny!” Jaehyun glares at the screen. “What did you just say?” But your wide eyes seem to be looking behind him, and slowly Jaehyun turns and sees Johnny framed in the doorway, watching everything. Jaehyun shuts it down fast, not wanting Johnny to see or hear more from you than he already has.

WinWin

As soon as he heard, WinWin was out of there. He’d heard enough, and he knew that you and Yuta were close, knew that you’d had a little fling before you and Winwin ever started seeing each other. Hearing Yuta’s name from your lips right then, in the moment was an extreme turn off and only a reminder that Yuta had very likely had you like this before, that he knew how it felt to touch you and be inside you. WinWin didn’t like that reminder one bit so he left. But the next morning he was back, standing there in the kitchen when you leave your bedroom. He’s listening to music, headphones in, and also texting someone, so he doesn’t even look at you when you walk into the room. After several minutes of this you figure he’s ignoring you, still pissed about the night before. It takes you planting yourself firmly in front of him and plucking one headphone out for WinWin to even look at you. You have to grab him by the front of his sweatshirt and push him back against the fridge and kiss him roughly to get him to listen to you. “I chose you, WinWin. Not him. I don’t know why I said his name, but it’s you that I want. It’ll always be you for as long as you want me.”

Jungwoo

Jungwoo played it off like it didn’t bother him when you moaned Jaehyun’s name. He laughed and kissed you and urged you to keep riding him, and when you brought it up to apologize Jungwoo told you not to. “It happens sometimes. I understand.” But it bothered you that it didn’t seem to bother him. A few days pass though and then you’re in a van with Jungwoo, Johnny, and Jaehyun. It’s a bit awkward, being the first time you’ve seen Jaehyun since you moaned his name. Then you notice how tense Jungwoo is, how he looks at Jaehyun when Jaehyun’s not looking at him. He’s jealous, you realize with a feeling that’s something like relief. Jungwoo’s jealous and it makes you so happy that you kiss him as soon as you’re alone, and drag him toward the nearest surface, already trying to pull his clothes off.

Lucas

You’d done this in a previous relationship too. Sometimes your mind wanders or the language part of your brain gets confused with all the hormones raging through you during sex, but you blurt out the wrong person’s name. And Lucas is taking it rough. He sits with his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. “I don’t understand,” He tells you, “Why did you have to say his name?” This starts a bit of an argument between you and him, since he doesn’t get that it’s happened before in an old relationship and you don’t mean for it to happen and it means nothing. Lucas is so sure that it means you’re secretly in love with the other guy, like it was a Freudian slip. It takes a few hours and a lot of discussing before you both come to an agreement about it and what it means.

Mark

He seems startled when he hears his hyung’s name coming from your mouth as you orgasm, but he doesn’t let it affect him too much, or at least he tries not to. But he can’t stop thinking about why you said it, and finally he comes to the conclusion that maybe you’re attracted to the other member. And Mark is a very obliging boyfriend. He doesn’t usually try out new stuff but he does make some exceptions for you, so he approaches the other member he’s convinced you like, and he tells him what happened and then suggests that maybe he could join you and Mark in the bedroom sometime. Just once to see what happens. Your reaction which is utter shock isn’t exactly what Mark expected. “I thought it’s what you wanted, so I— You got us.” He gestures at himself and the other guy. And it could be tempting especially since Mark seems like he’s willing to try sharing you just once, but you have to pass. Mark is enough to please you, and moaning the other member’s face was a fluke.

[hockey-jews]

For anyone who wants to learn more about Judaism! Also, kind of a post about how to deal with some Things and Stuff. This is a long post so I’ll put it under a read more for those interested:

This is really for an anonymous message I got that described struggles with things that I think many of us struggle with or have in the past: not being “Jewish enough” in the eyes of other Jews due to your heritage being on the “wrong” side (read; on your father’s side), yet still experiencing antisemitism from goyim. Not learning very much, if anything, about Judaism as a child but wanting to learn more as an adult. Not being comfortable with some traditions or laws of Judaism because you are a) a feminist b) LGBT c) an atheist. Living in a place with few to no Jewish spaces. Not feeling welcome in the Jewish community due to any or all of these things. 

Book recs!

If you’re the kind of person who enjoys reading (or can at least tolerate it) I highly recommend these books! They’re all books that I have either read/started reading/or plan on reading. (Please keep in mind that none of these are Jewish texts such as the Torah or the Talmud and that I do understand the importance of such religious texts but am not recommending them because I feel those are obvious sources of information)

A Bride for One Night if you aren’t familiar with the Talmud, it’s a collection of writings and explanations of Jewish laws and traditions and it’s old as balls. The author of this book, Ruth Calderon, takes a bunch of Talmudic stories and makes them into these wonderful beautiful stories that are easier to read than the original ones from the 3rd and 6th centuries. Even if you don’t know anything about the Talmud this book is so fascinating and fun to read. 

The G-d Who Hates Lies is literally perfect for you if you have issues with how women are viewed and treated in the most traditional sense of Judaism. It’s a really great criticism by people who are extremely qualified to make those criticisms (both are rabbi’s and I think they both have doctorates in theology, specifically Modern Orthodox Judaism, which makes for a really cool viewpoint). I can’t find anything about the third author of this book, who is a woman, but it’s comforting to know that a woman had a part in this as well. Obviously these people love Judaism, they just want to see it adapt to modernity. Just in general it’s a really thoughtful book that challenges dogma. 

Jewish Literacy was recommended by an anon (thank you!) The rest of the title is “The Most Important Things to Know about The Jewish Religion, Its People and Its History” so like. Ya get what ya see here folks. HOWEVER I did see a review that mentions there is some Islamophobia and hostility towards Jews who are antizionist. It does genuinely look informative and I haven’t read it myself so I can’t attune to whether or not that review is accurate, but maybe be cautious if you read this in knowing that the author may not be objective. 

Book of Mercy made me openly weep and feel something tender and weird in my heart and like. Okay so it’s not informative so much as it’s a book of poetry by Leonard Cohen (he was Jewish if you didn’t know!) He calls his poems “modern psalms” and honestly this would be a good read even if you aren’t religious at all because his writing is just so gorgeous. But it does have references to Judaism and his identity as a Jew 

Understanding Judaism is really a “building blocks” kind of book to me, if that makes sense? It’s really informative but also really basic and is fantastic for people who know very little about Judaism or just want a well presented understanding of the core aspects of the Jewish religion. Even if you aren’t a Jew who’s looking to learn or someone who is considering conversion it’s still a good book if you’re interested in world religions regardless of your faith or lack thereof. (man I’m starting to sound pretentious lmao I just mean like, if you’re an atheist or Catholic or whatever, it’s pretty interesting and also this guy is kinda dorky-funny so it makes for an easier read than some other books about religion)

Shmooze I think this is meant to be more for a group to read an discuss, and like, also maybe meant for a younger audience (I’m talking about teenagers so not really that young, but if you’ve been reading dull infodumps by 90 y/o Jewish rabbis with doctorate degrees this is gonna be a change of pace lmao) I should mention that I’ve only read like two pages of this book because I saw it at Barnes and Noble and just kinda briefly checked it out so I don’t know a ton about it but it stuck in my head and the reviews look positive so 

Obvious I don’t think you have to read all of those because I haven’t even read all of those so maybe just check one of them out if it seems like it could be helpful to you. 

Judaism here on tumblr dot com:

Okay so like. This is really my personal diced onion so take it however you will but keep in mind that this really only reflects things I’ve come across and how I feel. 

Obviously there are a lot of really great blogs about Judaism but I don’t have any specific ones to recommend I’m sorry :O I really really hate ~Discourse~ and like, in-depth arguments about the Holocaust because I get so wrapped up in it and let’s be honest, tumblr is all about the discourse and ignorance. That being said, I like to follow other people who are Jewish and blog about whatever because that usually leads to safer discussions and also is a great way to find really helpful thoughts and discussions by other Jews about topics like being LGBT, being a woman, being an atheist, etc. These are just nice to read and also if you aren’t familiar with certain Yiddish or Hebrew terms that are commonly used it’s a good way to see how and when they’re used in certain contexts. 

I’m going to tag anything like this that I post here as “good info” just so me and anyone who wants can find this stuff easier. No they won’t necessarily have anything to do with hockey. 

Also please be very careful when you’re reading a post that is presenting certain things as facts, always double check what someone is saying because misinformation is spread so quickly, and it’s almost always unintentional. The things that I find genuinely helpful/safe/fun involve opinions, common feelings and experiences, little personal stories and jokes, cool stuff like that. 

I’m Jewish on my father’s side :0

Me too boo. Unfortunately that’s an unending discussion, and one that is often held by matrilineal Jews and doesn’t actually include patrilineal Jews, nor does it consider our thoughts/feelings/experiences. Without sounding like an idiot, it is absolutely buckwild to me that there are people who have been raised Jewish, have never known anything other than Jewish tradition, have been subject to antisemitism, but still aren’t considered Jewish. 

And then this is where I see matrilineal Jews who hold this viewpoint bring up Reform Judaism, which is one of the three main branches of Judaism and does recognize patrilineall Jews as Jews. I’ve seen some discrepancy as to whether or not patrilineal Jews had to have been raised Jewish in order to be considered Jewish. This is all well and good for Jews like me whose family practices Reform Judaism, but for patrilineal Jews who wish to practice in an Orthodox or Conservative synagogue, it gets tricky. 

Basically, yes this is a huge topic that inspires a lot of disagreement, and that sucks, but here’s what it comes down to. No one else is allowed to make you feel inferior because of your heritage. So many people, even modern Orthodox Jews, recognize that certain aspects of Judaism need to adapt to today’s society. I don’t want to offend anyone here, but I really do feel that most matrilineal Jews who don’t consider us Jewish are extremely hypocritical (for a lot of reasons but mostly like...y’all really follow every aspect of Jewish Law? Like do you really? All of it? Girl do u? Or are you maybe just being elitist). Learning about your heritage, talking about shared experiences, combating antisemitism, these are all things that are fair game for you (especially for the anon who said they were atheist) and going to Shabbat services, praying, participating in holy days. That’s all yours if you want it, bubbeleh. 

Can I be an atheist Jew?

Sure you can! I, personally, am not an atheist so I wasn’t comfortable finding specific resources about this because I don’t really know much about it? It’s fine with me if you’re atheist that’s none of my business, I just don’t want to direct you to a bad source. But yes, many Jews are atheist, many are secular, I’m sure there are many here on tumblr. It’s absolutely okay, Judaism is an ethnoreligion, and while you may experience Judaism different than the rest of us, you’re still a Jew and still belong. 

Here’s an excerpt from a short lil synopsis of Judaism:

These three connotations of Judaism as a monotheistic system, as a literary tradition, and as a historical culture are sometimes viewed separately. For example, there are Jews who see themselves as culturally Jewish, but who are also non-religious or atheist, often identifying more strongly with Jewish “peoplehood” than with traditional understandings of God and Torah. Even so, all Jews would recognize that these three points of reference have shaped and guided Jewish experience through the ages.

Jewish “peoplehood” that they talk about is like. Culture, customs, food, art, history, etc. 

One last little note on this, you’ll hear a lot that Judaism focuses more on actions than on beliefs. This is an excellent article that is pretty short and worth reading that I want to include because I think that even if you don’t believe in G-d or even if you are seriously questioning, the focus on just. Doing good. Actively doing good things and trying to be a good person (I know that’s objective but bear with me) is a such a huge part of Judaism that you can try to incorporate into your life without having to subscribe to any sort of dogma or beliefs that you don’t hold. “Judaism is certainly a faith-based tradition. Belief in G-d is central to our religion. It just isn’t a prerequisite. If you are Jewish, you are so regardless of belief.” 

But I’m a feminist....

As you should be. This is probably another personal statement you gon’ wanna take with a grain of salt, but I think Judaism, especially in the last 50 years or so, has made huge strides in this. Especially Reform Judaism, but that kind of goes without saying. 

Example, my synagogue was founded as a Conservative synagogue. Our website still says we are. I’m not actually sure tbqh, like I said, my family are Reform Jews, and so are most other families in our congregation I think but this is literally the only synagoge for like hundreds of miles so. Anyways our rabbi is female (Rabbi Shaina!) and she does great work, we all love her. She’s really adament on teaching kids that gender shouldn’t keep you from anything, that Judaism is for all Jews, that it should enhance our lives. She wears a tallis, lays her tefillin, and reads from the Torah. 

My point here is that while this isn’t like, the end of misogyny in Judaism as we know it, it’s still a big deal in most religions to have a woman as their religious leader, essentially a position of religious power. For men to accept a woman as a religious leader is not something that is super common in most religions. And we’re like, a tiny congregation over a hundred miles away from anyone else, technically a Conservative synagogue, that’s super loving and accepting of a feminist running our shit... female rabbis are super common and I think it speaks a lot to how we’re progressing as a religion. Reform Judaism is going to be your best bet when it comes to tolerance but knowing that all three of the main branches are progressing, at least with this, is really comforting to me. 

However, that’s an extremely one sided view and doesn’t really show the issue as a whole. This super short article (? not sure) is a bit pessimistic in my mind but presents the other side of things and gives a good explanation of the traditional sources of misogyny in Judaism, so this could further your understanding as well. 

By no means are we perfect but we’re workin on it. Look into Jewish Feminism though, if you have the time. That article is just a lil intro to the topic. 

I’m Q*eer/LGBT and I’m not sure y’all are gonna be cool with that...

Well this one’s a doozy. 

I’ll kick this right off by presenting an article that is objective and does not reflect the author’s opinion, just lays out the issues at hand. It also has some links to other good pieces, including one cool story about a transgender man, Rafi Daugherty, embracing his role as a father and details his experience with pregnancy and giving birth. I should mention that I am cisgender so I’m interpreting this article through a different point of view, but it really does make a point of celebrating Rafi and his daughter and sharing their story. It does include a little cultural background context, but this is a positive story that I think deserves to be shared :) 

Then there’s this statement from the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism that confirms its absolute acceptance and support of LGBT Jews. 

On the other side of things, there are still homophobic and intolerant Jews. Conversion camps were not just a Christian thing, there were Jewish conversion camps as well, which is horrific. Idk what to say because I think homophobia and transphobia in Judaism is really similar to what you would find in Christian settings. 

I’m bisexual and I feel completely welcomed by other Jews who know this about me, and I certainly don’t feel any less Jewish because of it. 

I live in a place where Jewish spaces are rare.

I really hate to disappoint with this one but I don’t have any specific sources or anything like that. Alls I got to say is that’s why the internet is so great? I really don’t feel like that’s helpful at all, but I think for the most part, the Jewish side of tumblr is pretty accepting and welcoming. Obviously that’s not always gonna be true though idkdjaskfl;dj

I spose with this one I wanna encourage anyone who has any good resources for involvement or something like that to reply to this post or drop by my inbox and let me know! Or maybe just your thoughts on some Jewish spaces you’ve encountered? 

I hope this was helpful

In conclusion, don’t let anyone make you feel less Jewish. Your sexual identity, gender identity, and even your belief in G-d doesn’t take away from your Jewishness. I’d like to say that since I started delving into Judaism a little more I’ve found a lot of peace. And yeah that sounds cliche and also vague but it’s really a breath of fresh air to learn about my family and know more about this community. Also if you’re comfortable with or willing to try prayer, even if you’re atheist, it can be a good way to decompress sometimes, a really therapeutic kind of way to voice your thoughts and feelings and reflect on them. 

There’s so much information and culture to delve into but it’s so so worth it to learn and I’m really happy for you that you’re interested in getting more in touch with your Jewish roots. 

If any of these links don’t work and you’d like to see them let me know!

[wolf-with-a-pen]

Twin Skeleton’s Part 1

Trigger Warnings: Swearing, Death, Gore, Unreality, Murder, Being Watched?

Masterpost, Next

Please tell me if I have missed a trigger, and I will be sure to add it, if you want to be mentioned when I post a new part, ask, and if oyu want me to tag this with anything else, tell me.

This is a new series,hopefully shorter than Knockin' On Heaven's Door, it physically wouldn't let me work on it until I had wrote at least part of it. I should hopefully be able to work on it next week, but if not, expect another part of this.

Word Count:2909

I HAD BEEN dead for 6 years when they arrived. Unwilling to leave the hotel after the horrors they saw and the near-death experience they had. I watched as their friend took their last breath, just like I had so many years ago, albeit in a more... bloody way than mine. Almost reminded me of Psycho with the amount of blood that poured out of them, spilling on the yellowing carpet, pooling around both of them. However, this time I wasn't fully fixated on the dying people-not this time. No, I managed to dial 911 and somehow get an ambulance for them (I'm as surprised as you are) and made sure to memorise the perpetrator’s face in case I saw them again. Anyone willing and able to kill is bad in my books. Especially after that, but I refuse to talk about it. There's no point dwelling on the past anymore.

For the event that happened, it was quite a sunny day. Surprising since deaths almost always happen in the rain. (Yes, I'm looking at you authors. Why? Oh, and hi to the audience I suppose. Who knows why you are using my life for your entertainment, but who am I to judge? Still don't like you, but I guess I'll put up with you.) Anyways, where was I? Right, honestly, I didn't mind that day, for the life of a ghost is a lonely one- we are rare. Only people with unfinished business become ghosts. Surprisingly only a small amount of the population. Most say "I want to do X before I die", but most of those desires aren't strong enough to cause them to become a lost spirit. And even then, most leave within a few years, or their unfinished business isn't necessarily needed to be done on earth. The rest of us are doomed to stay in one room for most of eternity, invisible to almost all. Almost being important. There are a few who can see through the veil of death, but it is rarer than ghosts themselves. Imagine my surprise when I found out that 1) they are created, not born, and 2) when one found their way into my room. Are you imagining it? That's you audience. Yes? Ok, now times it by 100. Yeah, I was shocked.

It was a month later I found out. You see I believed that both of them had died. I only saw one of their souls leave, but I assumed the second's wounds were just as severe- severe enough they wouldn't survive. I was wrong. They stumbled in 4 weeks later, discharged but clearly not out of the wars. Way too many bandages were on them, almost excessively. Their entire body appeared to be covered, save for their head and hands, despite only one wound being present. And it was on their chest. They didn't need half of them. But, oh well, better safe than sorry I guess? Who knows. All I know is they were followed by one of the staff members- clearly to make sure they didn't get hurt. However, they ignored their aide to stare straight at me. Yes, that's right. At me. Not through me. In the background the aide started. “Here you are,” he announced. “It hasn’t been changed beyond the clean-up and we made sure it stayed empty the entire time,” he launched into a full blown speech- I could tell he would. I cautiously stepped to one side, sure that they couldn’t see me, and were just staring off to the distance. Their eyes followed keenly. I knew I had to react before they told the staff member. Quickly I put my finger to my lips, saying out loud. “They can’t see me, act like normal.” I saw them nod slightly, before turning to the staff member, pretending to be interested in what he was saying. But the whole time, they carefully cast sidewards glances at me, as if I would disappear if they didn’t constantly look at me, while trying to decipher if I was actually real or not. It appeared they couldn’t decide.

Only once the other human had left did they talk. “Who are you? And how can I see you?” they said tentatively.

“Who I am does not concern you as of yet. And I don’t know how you can see me. Probably something to do with being stabbed made you able to see through the veil – you can see through the divider that separates our world and yours, automatically making me visible to you.” I replied curtly.

“Wait, so are you a ghost or something?”

“Yes, I am.”

“So, I can see ghosts now?”

“Yes, you can see ghosts,” I replied, annoyed “you can also see angels and demons in their true form, though why anybody would ever want to do that, I don’t know.”

“And you saw me get stabbed?”

“Who d’ya think called the ambulance sweetie?”

“And I’m gonna ignore how you managed that. Despite saving me, you don’t want me to know who you are.”

“Of course not. You might get attached and do something stupid “to be with me” or worse, I might get attached and have to watch someone else die. No way am I letting that happen. I can’t do that again. I don’t think I’d last. Plus, the first thing is a fast track to hell- it wouldn’t work. The only reason I’m still here is unfinished business. You have none. And you have the rest of your life to live out. I don’t want to infringe on it."

“Fine, keep your secrets then. I’m staying here and talking to you anyway, whether you like it or not.”

“Great, just what I needed. A companion. I have been fine for the last 10 years, I think I’ll be fine for 10 more, or however long it takes for my spirit to disintegrate.”

“Don’t be like that. I might not be that bad.”

“Fine, you have one chance, don’t waste it. You have a month to earn my trust. If you don’t, you leave me and this place alone. If you do, I might let you stick around for a while. Deal?”

“Deal.”

The first day was relatively annoying. For some reason they decided to pester me until I gave them some information about myself, whether on accident or on purpose to shut them up. That and gushing about how they have always wanted to meet a ghost and asking me to explain how everything in the new world they discovered worked. I didn’t mind telling them that much. Why wouldn’t I when they would have to get used to it, and fast? Despite being a minority, they would soon see us everywhere. Well, us and angels and demons. God forbid they meet a Guardian. That’s why I don’t mind. They opened up a world of just new, unfamiliar and dangerous things. I kinda owed them an explanation of what was going on. How the world truly worked. I started with two concepts that most people already knew of: heaven and hell.

“So, what do you know of heaven and hell?”

“Just the religious speculations people came up with. Heaven is said to be a safe haven of angels you reach when you die- if you have done good deeds that is. Hell is supposed to full of demons, and where you get tortured for eternity for all the bad things you have done to others. I always hoped it would be the other way round cause everyone says I’m going to hell.”

“First, none of that is really right. Second, what do you mean by you’re going to hell?”

“Because I’m a demigirl and a lesbian, everyone says I should be in hell.”

“Well, we’re all going to hell- only those of pure heart or are naive enough to be manipulated go to heaven. There are few exceptions to that rule. The rest of us end up in hell for having too much personality. It’s better for us anyway- you don’t want to go to heaven. It is a dictatorship, ruled by one person with a hive mind to enforce their laws. Highly corrupt, anyone who even slightly misbehaves or shows opposite ideas to the leader has their soul removed and their shell is sucked into the hive mind- an army of ruthless soldiers with no feelings or general consciousness. All actions are controlled by the leader. Hell is much better. It is more of an anarchist government type thing, with no rules. What you can do is only limited by the strength of your moral code. Only those who are deemed the worst of the worst are punished- mostly the ones likely to disrupt the relative peace too much or are general pieces of shit. For example, genocidal maniacs, and the likes of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk. From what I’ve heard, there is a special place in hell for those two to suffer. Plus, demons can come to earth, whereas the angels are trapped in heaven from the second they step foot in there by the guardian angels and the border guards.” I rambled on, forgetting who I was talking to, and the fact that most readers and listeners prefer to have shorter paragraphs.

“Wow,” they said once they managed to recover from the information overload, “So, technically I was right about the role reversal.”

“I guess.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to introduce myself, I’m…” they started before I cut in.

“Ruby-May Johnson, but you prefer to be called Bee. You are 30 years old, and have been single all of your life. You were born on the 19th of May, which is likely where your double-barrelled name came from. You are an extrovert and sister to Lily August Johnson-Kennedy, who died in the attack.”

“How do you know all that?”

“Your passport says a lot. The rest are assumptions from watching and listening to you before, I had nothing better to do, so I watched you.”

“Right, OK. You still not willing to tell me about you?”

“Nope.”

“Alright. What should I call you and refer to you by? I’ll go first. I’m a demigirl, I like she and they pronouns, but prefer they to she. With relationship terms, I prefer the gender neutral terms, but I’m still fine with the female ones.”

“Ok Bee. Try not to refer to me. Nobody else knows I exist, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. If you have to use she/her or you’ll get she/hurt. If you need me, use Spectre. Everyone else does.”

“Thank you Spectre.”

“It’s late, sleep now.”

“No, I wanna know more.”

“No,” I announced, forcing them into their bed, “I refuse to tell you any more until you have slept.”

“Fine, but only because you leave me no choice,” they agreed begrudgingly, “Good night.”

“Good night,” I replied, making myself invisible to all- including veil-seers- and turning off the lights.

“Wait! Please stay until I fall asleep. And, can you turn the light back on.” I heard, their voice cracking slightly.

I made myself visible, flicking on the lights before inquiring, “Autophobia, nyctophobia or somniphobia?”

“A bit of all of them.”

“Ok, I’ll stay. I’m pretty sure in the bottom draw of the dresser, there is a night light if you want it.”

“Really? And yes, thank you.” They climbed out of bed, making their way towards the dresser grabbing the night light and pushing it into the wall. It illuminated the room nicely, I remembered that from when I had to use it. I simply answered her first question: “Yeah, I know what it’s like. Now, sleep. You are safe as long as I’m here- I will be watching you and making sure you don’t get hurt.”

“Thank you.” Bee whispered, closing their eyes and falling asleep.

“Sweet dreams. I hope.”

The second they fell asleep I turned invisible and ventured as far out of the room I was able to go. Here, the barrier between the possessed areas of the world were thinner, allowing me to talk with the nearest spirit to me. Or at least, what I believed must be the nearest spirit. And he probably wasn’t actually a ghost, but good enough for me. I called out to him, knowing he would most likely be there. “Ashton, are you able to talk?”

“Yeah, sure, nice to talk to you again Spectre. How long has it been? A month or two at least. Anyway, what did you need?”

“What, no, I don’t need anything,” I said. You know, like a liar.

“You only talk to me if you need something, whether information or more physical, you cannot fool me.”

“Fine. I managed to somehow end up with a veil-crosser.”

“Seriously? Cool. How did you manage that?”

“I called an ambulance.”

“You know we’re not meant to interfere.”

“It was them, they struck again. I couldn’t let it happen again.”

“I understand, but you still know the rules. If anyone found out you’d be doomed to stay there forever, unable to interfere anymore. You’re lucky that I’d be a hypocrite to tell them, if I was anybody else…”

“I know. And I need help. What can they do that I need to know about, and what do I need to teach them?”

“Firstly, you need to teach them about all of the aspects of death.”

“How am I meant to do that when I don’t know all of them myself? You refused to tell me more than angels, demons, ghosts and veil-breakers.”

“There are more, I’ll get my human to take the book to your room, and see if I can get him to talk to them, and teach them a bit. As for abilities, they depend on the person, you just need to wait for them to figure it out themselves. They only find them when they need them the most. It works on instinct, don’t force it.”

“Ok, thank you. It should be helpful. How are you getting on with yours?”

“Turns out he can give us temporary physical forms.”

“Is that how I could call the ambulance? Usually I can’t touch anything.”

“Probably.”

“Tell him thanks, if it was him. Also how is the asking out thing going?”

“Badly, I have tried so many times and it never worked. He’s just really oblivious.”

“Himbo?”

“Yes.”

“Ask him out straight. Well, since you’re gay, it wouldn’t be straight, but you know what I mean. Tell him outright that you want to date him.”

“I’ll try.”

“Keep me updated, I want to know if he accepts.”

“I will. I suppose I’ll speak to you later then?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Bye then.”

“Goodbye.”

I stayed in the bathroom a few minutes before making my way back into the bedroom. The first thing I noticed was that they were still asleep. “Good.” I thought, “At least they won’t be sleep deprived.” Then I noticed it- the door was ajar a crack. “Strange.” I thought. “I was sure I made them lock it.” That’s when I saw it. A singular eye, peering at them through the door, filled with a malicious intent I noticed instantaneously. I shivered. Bright blue with red streaks running through it- easily distinguishable and recognisable. It was the same eye I had seen 1 month ago, and again 10 years ago. They were back to finish the job. Gently, I used whatever power I could muster to push the door closed and lock it, leaning on it to make sure they couldn’t get in- I knew whoever it was had the keys. Quickly I remembered something Ashton had given me a while ago in case of a situation like this. Carefully, I fished a small silver charm with wood beads in white and yellow out of my pocket, and tied it around the door handle. Hoping it would work, I stepped away form the door. Their key turned in the lock, unlocking it again. I prepared for the worst, standing by the telephone- next to the door in case I could apprehend them.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!” screamed the door as they tried to force their way through the door, quickly realising it wouldn’t open by the handle, after trying the key in the lock a few times. Despite it being just wood, they were failing miserably. Glad to know Ashton’s charm worked. For he believed it was a protection spell, given to him by a god looking like a crow, but at the same time, he could tell it wasn’t really a crow. Why wouldn’t a god choose a crow to parade around as- I mean, it’s jet black, sleek and pretty, and supposedly very clever. As I always say, who am I to judge? At least I knew the charm worked, and we had something to protect us until I could convince Bee to but some more security stuff for the doors and windows- especially the hinges that have a pin to lock them so it doesn’t pivot. Those would be a godsend. Then we’d only have to worry about the strength of the glass and the door- easily fixable with the charm. With that plan set, I sat in the corner, next to the bed, and with a clear view of the door. I sat, planning out a security plan for next time, before eventually losing consciousness- something I didn’t know ghosts could do.

[otp-is-at-it-again]

11 Questions

Rules: 1. Always post the rules 2. Answer the questions given to you by the person who tagged you 3. Write 11 questions of your own 4. Tag 11 people I was tagged by @crookedlovestory ! Thanks so much for tagging me! I love answering questions aha ♪( ´▽｀) Emily's Questions: 1. what tv show are you currently bingeing? who are your favorite characters? Um I'm not watching anything currently cause I'm on vacation, but the last show I binge watched was the Flash. I'd have to say my fav characters are between Barry, Iris, and Cisco. Barry cause he's cute and dorky at times, Iris because of her determination and friendly nature, and Cisco because of the puns :^) and overall that he can play both the clown and show everyone up with a scientific explanation for happenings 2. what is your guilty pleasure? Russel Stouffer eggs hhhh. I only get them if they go on sale, around the holidays, and even then it's not always easy so get my favorite flavors (because they sell out quick when cheap enough). My favorites are red velvet, truffle, and coconut cream. 3. what’s your biggest character flaw? (just being me in general) Um I'd have to say my depression is probably the biggest flaw I have currently. It comes up when people (my parents) yell at me, because I'm trying my best but even that never seems to be good enough. And when I get into that state I shut down physically, and mentally loop on the negatives on how useless I am as a person. It usually also comes up when I'm in a stressful situation, for ex when I'm overloaded with school and social and home problems at the same time. Though recently I've noticed I get it at random times now too, so idk. I just go along with it at this point. 4. did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? what were they like? what was their name? Ha.. Yeah I had an imaginary friend, when I was a little on the older side of childhood (middle school), though there's kind of a backstory to him. I was ahead of the curve with relationships amongst my friends, starting as early as 5th grade (compared to most who started in 7th or 8th). But the ones I had at the time sucked because the guy got bored or stopped caring or was too far away for anything to happen. I tried to move onto other guys, but when I tried to ask them out (yes I was /that/ kind of person) I always got rejected. Of course to my friends I played it off as no big deal, but each time I got rejected, each time after I asked a guy out he would ignore me like I wasn't even there despite us having classes together, it got to me and wore me down. So to compensate I guess my overactive imagination came up with the "perfect guy" so I wouldn't have to worry about being rejected any more, because he would always be there for me.. His name was Marcus. He's Japanese/White mix, about 6 feet tall with a slight muscular build. I used to have trouble sleeping at night because of the insecurities that built up after the rejections, after seeing my other friends have successful relationships so easily despite how much effort I put into starting my own and being shot down.. But in those times- again my overactive imagination came into play- I felt a presence on me that I manifested into Marcus, so that I could imagine someone being there with me, someone who could comfort me and make me feel like everything would be okay. For a while that helped, but it got out of control pretty quickly. Into high school I stopped imagining things like that, or having dreams about him and I, where I could experience a healthy relationship. At that point I gave up on trying to have a relationship, and figured it would be easier just to fill in that spot on Facebook so people would stop bugging me about finding someone. So I made a Facebook account under his name, Marcus Takahashi (I deleted the actual account, but I made a fictional character page that a lot of people have begun to like recently ?) and made it look like we were in a relationship. What I didn't expect was my mother-like friends to come on and start asking a bunch of questions like 'how did you two meet?' and 'where are you from?' and other informational stuff that I didn't want to answer so suddenly.. so I just knocked it off and told people it was just a joke. After that I ditched the idea of Marcus as my imaginary friend and adopted him more an an original character. So he's still around, it's just the context of his character is different now. 5. if you could tell your past self anything, what would it be? Don't fret so much over relationships. That is by far the most destructive thing you can do so early in life (at least speaking from my past experiences). If you express interest in someone and they don't put as much effort as you do into maintaining the relationship, drop them right then and there. It isn't worth the emotional and mental stress of blaming yourself for things you're not even at fault at. Just focus on the friendships you have and things will work out fine in the end. 6. what’s your favorite flower? why? ohh hmm. I think the plumeria would be one of my favorites. My grandma used to have a yellow plant in her backyard, near her pool, and I always thought it was the prettiest thing.. And as I got older and my family and I took walks around the neighborhood, I noticed a lot of people had them in their yards in a bunch of different colors. I think nowadays my favorite one of that species is the pink plumeria because it looks and smells really nice. 7. recommend one of your favorite books. what is it about? why do you recommend it? Boy oh boy. I have a lot of favorite books, but recently my favorite has been Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. The pov from the main character is nerdy and dorky, but relatable a lot of the time. Plus it has a bunch of old, obscure video game references which is pretty cool. I grew up with the games mentioned in the book, so it's kinda nostalgic reading about them. Totally would suggest others to read it. 8. what is a quote that has resonated with you? why is it important to you? Okay this is going to sound kinda stupid compared to all those inspirational quotes out there, but I really like this quote I found in a fan fiction, where the character says, "my sexual desires can be equated to the thirst of a camel". It was a pretty bad fanfiction (not really bad, just too cheesy even for my taste) but I thought that quote was absolutely perfect. Even after I dropped reading it, I kept a screenshot from that for the last three years because it's pretty accurate for me. I joke about it a lot with my boyfriend (which makes him cry a bit but it's still pretty funny). 9. what’s your favorite emoji? Hm. I think 👌🏼 or ✌🏼 would be my favorite ones because I use it a lot in my twitter posts. Like I'll update with something and be like 'this cool thing happened to me dudes 👌🏼👌🏼' or whatever. And I use the peace sign a lot irl so they're pretty useful. 10. what’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had? *inhales* boi I have a bunch of weird dreams haha.. Um I think one of the weirder ones was from when I was younger.. It was the tail end of elementary school and I had a crush on these three boys that were best friends. I had a dream where I found them at Soak City, but it was super distorted (because almost all my dream places are). So we stood at the top of the colored slides and instead of being their normal height, they were probably 3-4 times that, and on rickety stilts instead. Of course one of the guys told me is was okay to slide down the red slide, so I made a jump for it (scary af). We went on another ride after that (I forget which) and then I followed the guys to the log ride. The guys went in, but I got sidetracked because I saw a cat in the planters next to the entrance. I went over to pet the cat and next thing I know there's a bunch of them surrounding me and meowing. I thought that was awesome at first cause I love cats, but next thing I know they're all scratching me and I kept flinging them off me because I was freaking out. I ended up backing into this room which turned into a distorted version of Chuck E. Cheese. The cats were gone, and I was at the entrance standing in front of an attendant. She said I was a special customer so I got a bunch of free tokens and some food, but at one point I got sidetracked again when exploring. I guess I found the entrance to the employee lounge, which was a maze, and went in because I wanted to see if I could find the end. Turns out an employee found me and asked what I was doing, so I fibbed and said I was looking for the bathroom. They escorted me out, and I ended up in this place that looked like a gift shop with stuffed animals and random toys on shelves. And I think the dream ended there. Pretty weird lol 11. which planet is your favorite and why? Hmm I think Jupiter is pretty cool because it's gaseous and has a bunch of different swirling colors on its surface, plus since it's so large it has a bunch of moons in its gravitational pull (and I think moons are neat). Though speaking in terms of connection to Roman mythology, I also like Neptune because of its relation to the god of the sea heh. I'm not going to do the questions because I already did them on my other blog ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ My main blog is @turqouiseorange if my other followers here want to check that out. Thank you again Emily for the tag <3 Even though I already did this and tagged you from my main, I answered your questions here because I thought they were really interesting and fun! Nice way to end the day heh ╰(*´︶`*)╯

[davidsilvercloud]

Terry David “Butch/Butch Naked” Silvercloud,

http://DavidSilvercloud.com (Blog)

http://ButchNews.com (Video)

http://ButchNaked.com (Photo Stream)

http://SeriousThunder.com (Art)

http://ElectronSpeed.Tumblr.com (Physics... The Speed of Light)

Visual Artist, Photographer, Physicist (Particle, Sub/Atomic Physics/Relativity)

I'm a friendly, but pretty blunt, kind of guy.  No time for beating around the bush.  I like to say what I mean and mean what I say.  I'm 73 years old.  Time is not on my side.  You don't have to like me.  I'm a social recluse, anyway.  I share my life, in photos, to let you into my life and hope to inspire you to be a productive and useful human.  I have old age issues but will continue to post, here, while I'm well and able.  I talk a lot... I'm told it's part of my OCD and ADHD.  Come direct at http://ButchNaked.com  Sign in if you wish to see me naked.

....... The DAILY GRIND.....  what's up today.

11 Million photo views, to date at ButchNaked.com.  Thank you.

Now keep reading.

Saturday, 18 November, 2017.

Your Science Factoid, for today.  It has been discovered that feeding seaweed to cows can reduce their methane output in their farts.  Cows really like seaweed because it's salty tasting... it's salty.  It also has lots of minerals and fibre.  Maritime Old Skool farmers used to feed seaweed to cows simply because it was there and cheap, no grow cycle required, just rake it in, dry it and feed it to the cows.

Now, research has been done on this factoid and it has been discovered that a particular type of seaweed growing in the area of Australia can reduce cow fart methane by 99.999%.  You may say, so what?  Well, cow farts account for, as much as, 10% of ALL GREENHOUSE GASSES.  Yup.

Cool and bright grey, out there, at 10am.  I went to bed by 10pm and just got up.  I find I tire more easily lately and need more sleep.  I attribute that to a new pain medication I now take, and getting old.  Being old sucks.  A regular kind of day, for me... painting, exercise, selfies... did some laundry.

I tire more easily, now but am very active.

I'm a lonely kind of guy... don't have any peers with whom to socialize.  I've been working on trying to overcome that over the past several years but have now given up.  I've been a bit of a loner my entire life and realize why, now.  Most of you are, quite bluntly, just too ignorant... you don't know much of anything about anything.  It's very difficult for people like me to be around you... kinda like being stuck living my life with chimpanzees.  Oh well, it's my fate.  I take comfort in knowing I've not been alone being lonely... Socrates comes to mind.  I have a lot of his traits, it seems.  You wouldn't understand and I know you don't understand... that's part of the frustrating part.  You can't reason with a rock.

I've been suicidal the past several years but learning to cope now that I have some medication to control my joint pains as well as my knee, neck and back injuries.  I have no explanation why we exist except it seems to be something inevitable...  reality is both simple and complex.

What makes it complex is the size of the universe and the very simple idea that keeps it going... duality.  It's a physics thing but, if there is a reality, it must be composed of parts, and not be a whole... it's not possible to be a whole within a whole... to fill infinity with somethingness without problems doing that.  Ironically, it requires only ONE thing to fill infinity... except that the ONE thing must be in parts... pieces.  You can't read this computer screen without it being composed of PARTS.  You call it pixels which result in RESOLUTION... parts, as it were.  If the screen were one big pixel, there would be no words, nor photos.  The more pixels, the more detail/resolution.

In our reality, the smallest particles are things called Electrons, but there are/must be things SMALLER than that in order to, actually, make an Electron.  Anything with shape must have parts... that's physics.  Quatum Physics has a serious problem in that it does not allow for parts.  Electrons can't have parts, in Quantum Physics... which is the problem with modern physics.  If you don't think modern physics has problems, I suggest you read the book "The Trouble With Physics" written more than 15 years ago, by one of the world's leading scientists/physicists, Lee Smolin.

Quantum Physics has a serious problem but challenging the problem can be difficult without introducing an entirely NEW view of reality, or a better method.  I will say, quite emphatically, the problem with Quantum Physics is the idea that the Electron is a point source.  That, automatically, disallows smaller "particles" and ignores the FACT that more than 95% of the matter/energy in the universe can NOT be accounted for.

You can't MEASURE anything SMALLER than an Electron using Electrons. That what we do... we measure EVERYTHING relative to Electrons and make things smaller have less energy than an electron... the problem is, that isn't possible.  Even the Electron has only 1/2 spin... it's never really whole unless it becomes a whole spin... a wave.

You see... I think about these kinds of things, and you don't.   http://ElectronSpeed.Tumblr.com  (What causes the speed of light)

THIS IS THE END OF THE DAILY GRIND.

"I've been USED!!!

Just like that condomn on the ground over there" Cleveland Brown, The Cleveland Show. .............................

If you don't know me, the following might help you get to know what kind of person I am.  I don't expect you to understand me.  I can be a bit OCD and ADHD.

"They've already got more blow jobs than we'll ever get"  Steve Smith (American Dad), talking about college jocks.

"Now let us touch testicles and mate for life"  Alien on The Simpsons

"It never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun"  Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons.

l'm here to teach you things.  While I appreciate other people's opinions, I really don't give a crap what anyone thinks.  Until you prove your worth, I will be nice but you have to earn my respect.  You should assume that I don't trust anyone.  I've not met a single trustworthy person in my entire life.  I've met nice people who aren't too bright... well intentioned folk who know little about anything, people who are nice, most of the time, until you say something that offends them.  Honourable people agree to disagree.

Look up the phrase "CRITICAL THINKING" then learn to practice it.  Most people leap before they look and judge before they listen to the facts.  Most don't have enough knowledge, nor experience, to be experts in much of anything.  You don't know what you don't know.  I like to remind you of that, often.

It took me a long time to figure a lot of things out... I'm 73 now and wish I knew then, what I know now.  C'est la vie.  I like being in charge, that's why I'm "Butch".

[carcinogeinic-blog]

Longing for Answers

 Questions and reason 

What I have now is a chest filled with pain and a mind warped with questions. Where did she go? Why did she leave? Did I do something wrong? These questions now plague me night and day. Asking where it all went wrong and what could I do to fix it. Could I see her again and restore what it was and enhance it to be what I want it to be? I need answers. I can't endure these sleepless nights that curse me any longer. I need it all to end, I want to find her. These questions unnerve me. How can someone just disappear after one word said and never to be heard from again? I need answers. I want an ending...

Encounter

 It all started a year ago. The torture of existence... The so called girl of my dreams pushed me into a corner I can never leave from. The dreaded "friend zone" though it's not the first time it's happened but it was the first time that I was completely shut down and all my efforts burned to cinders and they say we need to be happy because we're alive. What a sick joke. Hahaha. But with all else life pushes on the world...no hell even the universe doesn't give a damn about us and time merely guides us to the grave. After two long months of excruciating misery and suffering I went to the mall for once. Maybe a change of pace would do me a world of good. Walking around I bumped into someone. She was in a rush I hadn't seen her face. I noticed that she dropped something. Looking around I couldn't find her. A wallet?

 Digging through inside I found some cash, continuing my search finally I saw an I.D overlooking the name and picture urgently pinpointing for a contact. I found a number I quickly got my phone and dialed...... No answer then I tried again. Still....nothing. I went home it's getting late, maybe there's a

 chance I could find her online. Home. Dug out my phone from my pocket. I logged in then changed my clothes for a more comfortable pair. Scrolling my wall for a while then I grabbed the I.D from the wallet viewed the name Zel Lyan 8:35 PM a girl on Facebook rants on about how life is unfair and how everything never goes her way. It started with one status then two...three....four and so on. I was

 curious about this girl did we share the same pain based on what she wrote on her wall? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know. Then I realize it's the same girl the one I bumped into earlier I recognized her from the picture in the I.D.

 I decided to view her profile. It's filled with the same rants as earlier about pain, sadness and misery different scenarios yet same endings. I chuckled thinking that I'm not alone. It made me feel a bit better

 that I wasn't the only one enduring and trying to keep tears at bay. That I wasn't the only one trying to hold someone's cracking existence together.

 It was beautiful and in a sense artful. She's chosen her words masterfully each sentence cries out with emotion. Each rant contains her deepest feeling the time she wrote it. Sure everyone can channel their emotion one way or another but this hers is entirely different. She's different. While I'm here let's see the face of this tortured soul. Clicking her profile I saw her. Black hair, nice features, puffy red lips and a warm smile, cute round black eyes yet tainted with sadness she sported a red dress and a backwards cap. Not a great choice of wardrobe combos but she made it work.

 Beautiful but not in vain and there's a soft touch of make up on her face. In other words she looks nice. Then I finally opened the chat box and tried to talk to her. I opened the chat box I wrote

 "Hello"

 "Hi" she replied

 "Are you alright?" I asked

 "I'm fine :)" she confirmed

 "Reaaally? Based on your statuses you don't seem fine. Hahaha :3" (I preferred to question the rants first because they really intrigue me more then I'll ask about her stuff later.)

 "Are you stalking me? Hahaha" she said joking.

 "Not really. Hahaha I just saw your rants, they seemed serious. It's like you're in so much pain"

 "Not really.... Well okay fine yes. Hahaha I'm going through a lot lately and I don't know ranting helps a

 Bit, though I hate it when people ask on the comment section 'What's wrong?' 'What could I do to help?' those type of things. They kind of bug me. I mean I know their intentions are good but a simple PM or being ignored is enough. I guess I shouldn't post these but why the heck not it's my wall. Hahaha"

 "Hard to believe. Hahaha though maybe you’re writing seem to send the wrong signals."

 "Ohhhh really? Sorry. Hahaha I do get a bit overboard Hahaha"

 "No no no. Hahaha don't get me wrong though. As far as ranting I like your writings. They're pure and true. You have talent to express things when people can't through words. It's amazing really" I praised.

 "Hahaha! Thank you! You're the first person who ever complimented my pain and suffering. Hahaha xD" she awkwardly thanked

 "I'm Noct by the way"

 "Zel. A pleasure to me you" "Well I wouldn't call it a pleasure. Hahaha" "Why?" She asked.

 "Have you lost something lately?" "Aside for my love of someone? Hahaha kidding XD yes I did lost something, my wallet actually I can't remember where though. :3"

 "Well lucky you. Hahaha I found it actually" "Really?! Are you pulling my leg or something? Hahaha" she said. "Nope. I found it.. Well technically you dropped it at Mega Center Mall earlier" "Ohhhhh soooo that's where I lost it" It was like she was more of content with realizing where she dropped it rather than me finding it. "Yeah. Also you actually bumped into me. You seem that you were really in a hurry. "She shrugged (Well I didn't see it but there was a delay in the chat) "Sorry about that. Yes I was in a hurry. I was at......" she trailed off. Awkward silence. "When and where do we meet?" I asked breaking the

 silence. "Huh?" she replied "You know, about your wallet. There's money in it you might need it soon. I mean there's a lot in here. Hahaha" "Yes. I will need it soon, my sister will kill me if she finds out I lost my wallet in a stupid way like that. Anyway you're a life saver! :D" "Is this what being a hero feels like? Hahaha" "Maybe? Hahaha also they sometimes get a kiss from the one they saved. Hahahaha xD" she replied (is this girl flirting with me? Okay I'll bite) "Is this one of those times? Hahahaha" I said joking. "Nope. A simple thank you would suffice. Hahaha You seem like a gentleman in nature. A gentleman always declines such. Hahahaha" she laughed. The weird thing is I feel a bit disappointed. "Awwww being a gentleman sucks. Hahaha. So yeah about when and where?" "Oh right. Hahaha maybe this Saturday. At around 2pm. I'll just pretend that I didn't lost it I just hope my sister won't suspect its missing. Hahaha Maybe at Mega Center. I wish the weather would be a bit cooler earlier it was a bitch to get out of the house -.-" she complained "I wish the heat would end soon. I'm kinda on the wrong side of this actually." "Why is that?" she asked "I kinda live a bit farther from the mall well actually I'm really far from Carcery. Hahahaha" "Really? Let me guess? You're from the Vale aren't you?" "How did you know?" I asked "I'm viewing your profile at the moment. I need to find out if you're safe or if I need to have the police on speed dial. Hahahaha" "No arguments there." I replied "You seem open about everything and anything" "But of course that's how you discover the finest things in life. XD" "You're weird but in a good way. Hahaha. It's getting late. Guess I'll see you then. Thanks again :)" "See you!" I replied. Logging out. Zel Lyan huh?.... You're kinda cute.

      Looking back on everything so far

 The next day, my old high school friends come over. It is summer better make the most of our free time before school drags us back to work. Jan and Drue came over. There used to be more but people grew apart I think Newl has a daughter now, good for him maybe that will stop him from hitching it with girls. Hahaha. Don't get me wrong though all of us are almost the same age but.... Well you know teenage

 pregnancy and stuff. Hahaha, to be honest he's a nice guy just with bad habits. Is that what makes a person? The things they have and the things they choose defines them. As for me I'm more of a physical type of sinner. And it's not what you think get your mind out of the gutter. I mean I kicked a lot of ass before. Pre-school and middle school we're my crowning achievements. I got suspended for half a year.

As I grew up it's not something I'm proud of though. But the kids in lower sections and levels thought of me as an urban legend. I thought it was ridiculous. Then high school kicked the things I've done before, people can only remember them fondly. That's good. Then I discovered writing and music it made me channel my emotions to a more meaningful medium. High school passed as a breeze the occasional long time crushes then the founding of talents and life time friends, the same type of stuff everyone gets when they reach life this far. College was a different kind of Hell. Everyone going through the same shit one way or another. Subjects are like round the clock tortures, socializing is like a time bomb. Competing with everyone else, one way or another you'll find someone in your school going through the same crap. Finding people to date and then sucking at making it happen. Heartbreaks and disappointments. So yeah life is life. "Dude. Dude!" someone said snapping back awake. "You've been playing the same tune for 2minutes now" Drue said. "Yeah. Plus you missed notes and you didn't join in for the chorus. Something wrong? Not feeling it today bro?" Jan asked. I shrugged my fingers twitching on the keyboard thinking of an explanation "Sorry. Hahaha. It's just... You know thinking about life how fast it went like it feels like it was just yesterday when we're planning of skipping college and start a band though finding a drummer was hard as shit. Hahahaha" they both laughed. "Yeah. They were simpler times. We were young you know." Jan said "Yeah dude plus you think we could make it as a band or worse" Drue exclaimed "Worse? How?" I asked "Well... You know we love music now because we do it for fun. So what if we made a career out of it? We might not love it as much as we use to" Drue said. He's right. It might go through our heads or we could fight with each other, there are a lot of temptations in life especially there. We might lose our cool and along the way lose our friendship. They're a haven of certainty and safeness in my life losing them will be like falling to oblivion. Jamming with them, sharing stories and the occasional getting drunk and finding trouble. It's a lot of fun it's one of the things I would never want to lose. Friends are important. Night. Everyone went home. I logged in my Facebook, scrolling down a bit. I saw my newly acquired best friend, she uploaded a new picture with her new boyfriend. Clicked on her profile and unfollowed her. I'm sick of it. Sure I get it the guy's nice to her, he's an all-around good guy but I can see right through him he's one hundred percent pure and genuine asshole, toying with her weakness of desperation to find a nice guy to bring home to meet the folks. Sure I'm not the nicest guy in the world but why the fuck would she pick him? Couldn't she see he's setting herself up for a heart break? Though I let it slide. I'll just let her figure that one out herself. It's not cruel I'll help her up when it comes but I won't waste my breath trying to talk her out of it. Shuffling through my newsfeed I found one of Zel's new post, she wrote "You've changed me. You made me. Now I can't recognize myself anymore." I got tingles when I finished reading. I'll ask her. Is it daring to ask someone out of the blue? Yes but it's better than staring at outcomes and thinking of what ifs with my former love and current best friend. I began to type. "Helloo" I started

 "Hi. Can I help you? :)" she asked

 "More of could I help you" I replied

 "With what?" she asked

 I sent her the screen capture of her post.

"Ohhhh that.." she said

 "Yeah. Everything alright?" I asked again

 "You think? Hahaha. Not really actually" she said with a hint of sarcasm

 "Care to share? I won't ask if you decline." I requested

 "Hmmmm. Where do I start? I was dating a guy before so it's the typical thing I was touched by his gestures and he made me smile Etc. Then after a while it all died down. He just disappeared then yesterday he asked me if we could go out. My heart fluttered with excitement. (Ewww looking back now it sounds gross. Hahaha) so yeah I went to the Mall, We met then the slap to the face came. He told me that I'm too important that I should only be his best friend then I found out he's dating another girl. The next day and it was going on for a while :'(" she finishes her story. I knew it, we're going through the same thing.

 I was quiet for a few minutes. Then I began to type my reply. I went for the comical approach

 "Ouch. Join the club though we have t-shirts. Hahaha. I went to the exact same thing 2 months earlier" I said

 "Hahahaha. Really? How did it go?" she asked.

 "More or less like yours. Only more waiting and build to the best friending part in a much more longer and unsettling. Hahaha" I described

 "Do tell Sir. Hahaha" she pleaded.

 "Well we've been dating back then for about 2months. Things went smooth and great. A lot of

 Competition, but I overcame each. Then I became friends with hers, her other friend introduced her to her to her own best friend. Let's call him Richard because that's short for Dick. Hahaha so she was invited to her friend's birthday. Then she met Richard and he gave the whole good boy with bad luck act. A few weeks she disappeared not wanting to hangout anymore. She could still drop me technically we're not an item yet. Then one night I snapped and asked her why I haven't been seeing her. We had an argument and didn't talk for a while. Then one night she forgave me and she sent me to the friend zone

 permanently :(" I sent the story. Moments later every memory came flooding back, all those efforts and

 time given wasted. I guess I was mad that I lost to that asshole rather than being friend zoned.

 "I'm sorry. That must have hurt" she apologized.

 "No worries. Yep it did. I'm sorry about yours too." I said.

 "Thanks. I guess life sucks for us both huh?" she reckoned

 "I guess it does" I agreed.

 "It does feel good to get off my chest though. Thanks for asking. :)" she thanked me.

"Always happy to find someone to relate with, even though it hurts so much. Hahaha" I replied.

 "Hahaha. You're right though. It does feel nice not to be alone with all the pain in the world." she stated. "Yep. Now that I made a breakthrough and my job is done. I expect my payment. Now do you want it in cash or installments? Hahahaha" I joked. "Why Doctor you haven't cured me at all? Hahahaha" she rebut "Your services are not yet complete :p" she teased "I'll take it as cash. I do have your wallet there's still a crap-ton inside. Hahahaha" I teased "You wouldn't. Hahaha" Zel said "Hahaha :p" I typed "Saturday is almost here :3" she reminded "Oh yeaaaah. Don't worry all the money is still intact. Hahaha" "You'd better. I have the police in speed dial if I need to. Hahahaha" she joked. "Hahaha. No need. I'll just give it to you. In and out. As quickly as that. Hahaha" "Hahaha. Yeah but maybe not too quick. I still want a proper thank you :D" (flirting or gratitude? Let's go with gratitude I'm not that lucky) "No biggie. :) I still have some stuff to pick up there I forgot a lot of things to get. :3"

   Saturday

 Another vicious day of heat! Today of all days like seriously? I have to travel a 30minute bus ride back to Carcery. I'm not sure if I'll make it to the front of my house! 12:47PM waiting for the bus. I wore my trademark glasses, a sleeveless dark blue hoodie underneath is a faded dark shirt I went with shorts and flat shoes I brought along an umbrella and my backpack. Inside is an extra shirt, cologne and other school stuff I forgot to take out and her wallet. The bus came at the exact moment that I wanted to scream out in irritation of the heat I stifled my scream before I said anything. Inside the bus was cool with the AC on apparently I wasn't the only one who wanted to go to Carcery today. As cool as the bus was it was packed I was standing for about 15minutes before I get to sit down. Though I feel like sitting down was ridiculous considering another 15 minutes later I'll be getting off. Arriving at Mega Center Mall the most aggravating thing to do was crossing the street because it's wider than normal roads. I crossed it though every step I took feels like I was being burned alive, I don't know if the umbrella was helping or just a nuisance to carry. At the entrance it felt like heaven, the cool air of the AC breezed passed me. Finally comfort! I wandered around for a while I checked my phone for the time it was 1:30 figured that Zel might not be here yet. I checked out some shops and other places then wandered the grocery for a while. I checked my phone for them time clicked the side to open the screen then.....

 Nothing. Strange I tried again a bit longer this time. The screen lighted up I was filled with hope but then showed a battery with no charge and turned off again. Have you ever heard of the expression "Hold the phone"? At that time I wanted to throw mine. I knew I wasn't the luckiest guy on the planet but this was just plain ridiculous! I cursed silently. Leaving the grocery and I tried to find where I could plug my phone for a while. I can't remember where I was supposed to meet Zel. I asked a stranger for the time. He looked at his watch and said its 12:58. Damn! I'm panicking 2 minutes to find a power source goddamnit! I need to get my mind together. A charging station, Out of order. Perfect! The food court has some outlets. Maybe there's hope. I checked my bag for a charger while walking there's a cord I tugged at it. Great no charging ports, arriving at the food court. Should I buy a charging port? Wait before that I should find an outlet. Shuffling around the food court passing tables and people eating, there was a kid screaming cause his ice cream fell I would have looked a bit but I was desperate for an

outlet, nothing, no outlet. I do have a cord maybe someone will let me charge for a while. There were several people with their laptops here. Checking for the most approachable I can't be crippled by social anxiety now I have to get this wallet back to Zel. I approached a woman on her laptop she seems to be watching something, I can spot the earphones plugged in her back was turned. She was wearing a black sundress. Unusual to see a black sundress but what do I know about women's wardrobes. Long black hair up to her lower back, I got closer. I tapped her left shoulder "Excuse me Miss? Can I bother you for a while?" I was holding my phone and cable charger. She removed her earphones and turned around. "Yes? What is....." Both of us were surprised. It was Zel!

   First Meet

 Getting thoughts together I sat down with her. She was still giggling about my story of how my phone died and how I tried to find her without and extreme luck that I found her by accident. "Let me get this straight. You were here about 30minutes early?" I nodded "And you didn't even bothered to send a PM or even bothered to ask my number when we were chatting?" I shrugged, she was laughing softly and I was there feeling embarrassed though I find the strength to smile thinly. "Tell me do you ask strangers for these type of favors?" she was pointing at my phone and cable on the table. "The first time actually" I managed a crooked grin. "You went through all that trouble to find me?" she asked "Guess I did. Wouldn't want the travel to go to waste because of my stupid phone dying on me." I laughed "Well it's sweet. Any other person will go home and try again some other day but you fought the odds." I was feeling sheepish but at the same time proud I feel myself blushing but I tried to keep a cool head no one ever said that to me in person. I coughed "Well anyway here you go." I dug out her wallet from my pack she gasped with joy and smiled warmly she took it from my hand and slightly touched my fingers. I put my hand on the table she was looking at her wallet then placed it on the table and her other hand touched mine. I was definitely blushing now! She looked in my eyes and said "Thank you" then smiled warmly again. "No problem" I replied trying to smile back without doing something stupid. "Aren't you gonna look inside first?" I asked "No need. I trust you. You seem nice." she smiled again. "Ohhh it's so stupid of me" she snapped. "Do you want something to eat or do you need to charge your phone? My laptop still has some juice left. I was just scrolling my wall" "A bite and a charge would be nice." I smiled. We got a wide selection of mall foods different bits of specialty per stall in the food court. I picked fries and a bunch of takoyaki and a sundae. She picked hash browns, a pasta platter and a cheese burger and a milkshake to wash it down. I feel nervous around her. She looks stunning. A light touch of makeup, her pale skin glows with her black dress. I'm observing her eyes, I can see a bit of bags under her eyes maybe restless nights and sadness and melancholy. Do I have the same? She noticed me looking at her. "Something wrong? Do I have something on my face?" she asked. I tried to act cool. "So this is the face of torment on my facebook wall. I never thought a person so stressed would look this good" I complimented "I would never thought a hero would look so nerdy. It's cute" she rebutted and laughed. She's definitely flirting now. "Soooo. Tell me a bit about yourself hero. What do you do?" "Well I study at..." she interrupted "No no no. None of that. I mean what do you do as a person. Interests and hobbies none of the school stuff. It will sound scripted and condescending." she smirked. Well she does have a point. People always start introductions with family, career, etc. No one really starts an introduction

 with one's interest. "Ohhh. Nothing much. A bunch of reading. Music a lot of music and I do have a red streak" "Oohhhh. A hero with a dark side. Charming" she cooed while smiling. I laughed "Well I wouldn't call it like that plus what's with the hero bit?" "Nothing much. I just like teasing you. You're reactions are funny" she's laughing again. I shrugged "Plus I think you're great, the lengths you went through to find me, it's nice and sweet that's why I call you hero" she smiled. I'm completely stumped at the moment. I don't know what to say or what to make out of the things she said. I'm never complimented this way or appreciated. Is this how it feels? I only smiled at her and she did the same. "Have anything planned for today?" I asked her. "Nothing much. I just went here to get my wallet. I bought my laptop along just to kill time and escape the heat" she said "Yeah it's Hell outside" I said. She nodded "You're phone is almost full. Are you going home? It's still early." she shrugged. Okay I'll bite and make my own moves. "Who says I'm going home? I have a lot of time to kill. Let's have some fun a bit." she stared at me "What do you have in mind?" I grinned "This is the mall. Tell me are you good at videogames?"

   Gamers and players

 We wondered the mall in search for the nearest arcade. To my surprise there where 4 arcades here. 2 were out on the open while the other two had their own place and had a variety of games. We picked the first one it was near the food court. We started with an old fighting game then moved to a pinball.

 By the way she wooped me in both. Killing my scores. I tried the claw machine and sucked at it and lost a fortune. Trying was fun though but Zel was on a whole new level she got 2 stuffed bears and whooped 3 players who challenged her. One of them tried to get her number but she shot him down like the character he played as, it was brutal. I needed to prove my metal. I need to find a game that I'm good at. We wandered to the other arcade it was much bigger with its own place. I offered to carry her laptop and she agreed to do so. Entering the arcade I got out a few cash and traded it in for tokens. Then I fired up an old first person shooter game. I offered her the first but she let me take first game. "No. You go first. Shooting games are not my forte" she extended her hand and pointed at her laptop strapped on my shoulder. She wanted to hold it while I was playing. I gave it to her and smiled for appreciation then it was ON. I mowed down enemies in the game beaten bosses and shot down vehicles and completed the game in a fair short amount of time. Zel looked at me "You're a monster!" she laughed. "I can't play those type of games. I'll stick to the claw machine" she giggled "You should try" I offered her the plastic toy guy attached to the machine. "It's easy." I took the laptop from her and slung it over my shoulders once more. She took the gun and I put in a token then the game began. "Just aim and shoot. Step on the pedal thing to reload and duck" she tried her best at aiming but she constantly missed her targets ducking and reloading was a pain for her. I began to intervene. "Like this" I said. Taking her hand and positioning it right and helped her aim I also stepped on the pedal when she couldn't. Her hands were soft and warm then I realized she was looking at me. I immediately let go and my face flushed unaware of what I was doing. "Sorry." I said embarrassed. "It is okay." she giggled. "Look! We made it to level 4!" she cheered. I decided to step back and watch her. The laptop still hung from my shoulder then tapping on it while I leaned on another arcade machine. My thoughts drift to when she was looking at me. I didn't see the look on her face. Was she irritated or did she think I was creepy for doing so? God I feel ashamed. I don't know what came over me. I stood there motionless and staring at the floor then she

 suddenly came near me and waved her hand a few inches from my face "Yooo Noct. You okay" I nodded and forced a smile. "You're right these games are fun. I got the hang of it. I'll play more some other time when I'm here" "Wanna go for the horror one next?" I grinned "You're on! Loser has to buy ice cream and toppings any toppings of choice" We shook on it and the game began. Apparently I only sounded like a big shot. We played Silent Hill I thought I won't be scared now because I'm a bit older but the fear is still the same. It took a lot of will power not to scream but I ran out of it, because I kept closing my eyes for scary parts since we're playing a shooting game I needed my eyes to shoot stuff! Zel on the other hand seemed like she was having the time of her life. She kept shooting and swearing when she gets hit but mowed down a lot of virtual monsters. She was a beast even more than our visual foes. She beat me by a landslide, my scores pitiful compared to hers. The agreement still stands I had to conjure up ice cream and all the toppings she wanted though I never  knew toppings could get so expensive the types and kinds that were available was ridiculous, it costed a fortune with all the toppings she got I couldn't tell which flavor of ice cream she ordered! Maybe it's only a cup of toppings I don't know. A few more rounds and we decided to go home. I escorted her to where she'll catch a ride home. As we waited she tugged at the laptop "Can I have it back?" she asked "You sure? It's okay. I'll carry it until the bus comes around" she nodded "I had fun today" she grinned at me "Yeah? I did too, except for the ice cream part to be honest" I chuckled "Hey! A deal's a deal!" and we laughed she lightly punched my arm. The bus came around and we said our goodbyes. I couldn't make out the last thing she said because of the bus doors opening but her smile is etched on my mind. Though a part of me was sad that she was going home then the image of her smiling flashed in my mind. She's amazing.

   Getting too comfortable

 Weeks passed since I gave Zel her wallet back. Life went on as usual, summer passes me by like a breeze and it's almost over. It was the life for a few moments then life drags me back to the freight train wreck of reality. It felt like this was the calm before the storm and I was right. My best friend calls me every so often because she's having problems with her boyfriend. Shocker! Sarcasm noted Called it. Not something I'm proud of but okay, though it was serious matters. Their relationship became an emotional abusive one. He got her under his thumb she broke up with him but somehow he keeps dragging her back. It was sickening. I had to do something. My school is about 3 hours away from my hometown then from my school her house is about 45minutes away. We met three days later, I made a ridiculously absurd reason to go to my university, but let's not get in to detail. I'm gonna summarize this part. We met at a restaurant she cried for a while and I gave her some advice she listened for a while then Richard called and they made up two days later. You see this is the part I hate the most, it felt like I was nothing. The distance I've travelled to see her was oblivious compared to him. I got sick of it all and I just let her be. When she calls I'll answer, but I won't pour all of my efforts just to be shot down and be reminded, that I'm not as important as the selected few in her life. Sure the title of best friend seems great but we're still new, maybe someday it will mean something. For now playing hero is out of the question, there are some people you can't save even when you stake everything on it. It's her storm not mine she's the one who's supposed to endure and I must endure my suffering for watching her torment. Night, I'm alone in the dormitory. It is summer after all no halfwit would go here except me. I got take out dinner and ate quietly on the lonely mess hall the care taker greeted me and I greeted back then he went home to his family. Isolation is nothing new though it helps a bit, you know to get my thoughts together. Later that night lying in bed, phone on hand. Reading for a while then I opened my wifi, I connected to the wifi access we hacked 2 semesters back. Facebook scrolling down the newsfeed killing time and trying to tire myself. "Trying to save someone but ended up wounding myself in the process. If you want to destroy yourself, don't tell me so I won't have to care" I have a theory on who wrote this and I'm betting that I'm right. All guess points to the Mistress of sorrow herself Zel Lyan. Cue the game show music Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! I'm right. I smiled to myself. Opening messenger I began to type "Helloo" I typed "Hi. What's up?" she asked "Nothing much. Alone in the dorm." "Isn't it summer? Why are you at your dorm? Isn't a bit early? Do you have summer classes?!" "Hahahaha. No I don't. I just came here to see someone. Didn't turn out so good" "Why? What happened?" I started my story of what happened earlier my conclusion of what I meant to her and my place in her life. I described Zel everything and when I finished "That bitch! I can't believe she did that! That insensitive piece of godddamn it" she hatefully said "I can't blame her though. She been a lot plus whatever intervention I do won't matter. She has to see it for herself" I replied. Though I can't help to smile at her replies I mean sure they were mean and over the top but you can't help it when people try to stand up for you in some way or form. Can't blame me right? "I guess you're right. We get stuck in these situations sometimes" she marked "Speaking of which. What about you? How have you been doing lately?" "Not good. I'm guessing you saw my rant? Hahaha" she said "More or less. Hahaha Care to share m'lady?" I asked "Well of course. Hahaha. It's a bit personal though. Anyway since we shared the same lame heartbreak you might understand a bit more. Hahaha. It's just I feel lost right now. It's like every sense of stability within me was drained and disappeared. I put all of my faith in him then he suddenly disappears worse he's forgotten about me" I interrupted her maybe it will make her feel better "Well. Being forgotten might be a lot better than being dragged in to the crossfire of conflict right? I mean that's what happened to me today. It's like you're trying to move on and not give a damn but she's constantly giving you a reason to care" "Hahaha. You're right but still memories with people mean nothing when they're replaced. It feels like I never had a place in his life. But he was almost like a part of me. I changed so much because of him and now he's gone and the things he left are still intact and I can't remember the parts of me before he came." An awkward silence in the message box when she finished and I tried to break the silence "Tell me do you drink?" she simply sent a mug of beer emoji. We agreed to drink and chat. I got out and smuggled a six pack of beer in my room. (Drinking is banned inside the dorm. But why the heck not I'm alone and everything is legal until you get caught right?) Minutes later we're both drinking and typing our problems at each other. I learned so much about Zel how her mother left her and two of her sisters, how she's been bullied ever since she went to college and had to transfer twice. Even though we're the same age she's still a freshmen because of the ordeal. How everyone compares her to her sister and maybe the worst of all is when someone made up rumors and lies about her saying she's a fuck girl. I felt so sorry for her. My problems where almost nothing compared to hers. Sure I had a past of vomiting blood as a sickness and sure two of my closest friends died but people can mourn and move on but this was different. "I just felt sad not because my mom left I felt sad for my dad because he was trying so hard for her." she had a soft spot for her father. "Then my dad left to work off country. It tore me apart but it was okay because he did it for us. And my sisters we're here so we all had each other. He got us an apartment when we're studying at the university and we come home on weekends to grandma" I feel sad for her. She's been through so much and I picture her telling this story to the guy who broke her heart. Anger fills me and I

 want to punch the guy in the face and kick his crotch. She's a lot like me. Putting trust in the wrong people. Striving to get by having friends but still drowning in the thoughts of anxiety and uncertainty. "Life sucks I guess. If there's another alternate reality where our parallel selves are having the time of their lives. Cudos to them!" I replied "Hahaha you're right. Though I wish moving on would be so simple like the movie 'friends with benefits' I mean they did fall in love in the end but they didn't go through mainstream depression" she pointed out "Yeah. I wish life could be like that. It is possible. Don't you think?" "Should we do it?" she asked. I was lost for a bit and then what she was saying it hit me!

   The agreement

 I was shell shocked. I never thought my uncertainty could be increased. Then my phone rang. It was Zel! Calling via Messenger I answered. "What do you say?" she asked laughing. Still stumped I mean how will this work, Is she losing it? But somehow I want this it is weird! "Still there, did you fell asleep?" she asked. Finally I said something "Are you drunk?" I laughed "What? Of course not! This is just my second bottle." I was shocked "Wait what? What are you drinking?!" "Huh? Wine I guess. I wanted brandy or rum or even gin but there's nothing. Wanted to go out but the stores closed. What are you drinking?" "A six pack beer. 2 cans are left." "Hah! Weak! Kidding! What do you say about it?" she laughed "First of Woah! Second of what the what??" she laughed again "Why? Hahaha it makes sense don't you think? If we could pull this off we could cheat our own emotions then boom! No more heartache" It makes sense looking at it without loyalty and other bullshit like that it will work. Sometimes it's better to replace someone than move on yourself. It would be nice to have someone to bounce of off, but... "Don't you think it feels wrong? I mean what if one of us falls in love?" she burped (gross) "Excuse me! Hahaha. That's easy! If that happens then we'll make it real. I saw the way you were looking at me when we first met. Obviously you like me. Hahaha. Don't worry I like you too, you're sweet, caring and you have an eye for adventure. I like that" "But why can't we just date like? Like old school stuff. You already said we like each other." I asked. "We could do that but don't you want to try something different? Aren't you sick of the same setup? Plus we're still hung up on our previous dating each other now might be bad for us. We might try to find the past relationships in each other." she explained "Also if we don't like it anymore we could stop and be friends and if new people come along we could stop the agreement as long as the other is notified" "I think it's the beer talking but I like the set up and kind of agree with you. It would be the ultimate middle finger to fate itself. I like it!" I agreed. She laughed "That's the spirit! Now how do we start with this?" "I guess probably a fake confession? Let's get it over with." I thought of the right words to say "Zel. I've known you for a while and I think you're the most amazing person in the world. I don't care what everyone says about you. I love you Zel Lyan" I said over the phone. "Noct I've seen you in every aspect and loved you in all of them. I love you too Noctus Calem" she said softly. "Even though that was out of formality what you said really touched me." she said softly then she chuckled "Maybe there's a chance of this becoming real after all." "Maybe there is but I think it's too early for that. People are almost too gullible when heart broken. No offense. Though I hope we could do this in person" I said. "You just want a kiss from me." she said softly teasing "You wish! It would seem a bit formal for this type of agreement." "Awww. I thought you wanted to. Sad I would have agreed for the record." she said. We're quiet for a few seconds then she started laughing and I joined her. Okay she got me but how could I not? She was really my type. I wonder if this will work. I mean the concept sounds good but is it right? I mean I do like her but does this set up will do any of is good, but why the heck not? Fate and love has fucked with me for too long now this is the ultimate payback, emotions without commitment. Intimacy without being tied down to anybody. Is it wrong? Yes but I'm tired of doing the right thing then getting shit as payment. It is payback time and I have the perfect partner in crime for it. "It's getting late" she pointed out "Actually it's morning. I can see the sun" I chuckled "And I need to sleep. Never been up like this before. Good night lovey!" "Lovey?" "Don't you like it? Since we are together now, I figured we should have a pet name. Don't you like it?" "I like it.....Lovey?" I said "Yes?" "I love you" "I Lovey you too"

   Past shadows

   Month passed since Zel and I struck a deal and become officially unofficial. This is either history's most complicated or weirdest agreement in a relationship. But with all honesty I'm happy. I can smile again. I can resist the urge to go to my best friend's aid when she's having trouble with her boyfriend but I guess the best of it all is that I finally know what love feels like even though it's just a mutual agreement our feelings are still genuine. Okay maybe genuine is a stretch but its real. "Hey veeeey." she texted "Hellooo. How are you?" "I'm fine Loveeey. Has school started yet?" she asked "Yeah. Three days ago. How have you been since the transfer?" I asked her "It's good so far. Leena has been guiding me though the University. I might get lost. Hehehe" Leena is Zel's sister I suggested that instead of attending seperate schools I asked her to attend with Leena. But Zel is scared about being compared to her sister. She's far behind her about two years late because of the issues concerning her last school but I managed to talk her in to it. I've seen Leena's photos but I haven't actually met her I would like to though. I want to thank her. "So you're free today?" I asked "Nopeeee. I have subjects later. It's only my vacant. I wanted to check on you :)" "Thank you veeey. :D I'm fine. I have to go though. Have a nice daaaay I miss you already!" "Thank you loveeey! I miss you too! :*" Zel replied Months have passed and we've been like this. The agreement stood still. There was a time when we suspended it like we planned, when we're seeing other people. Zel went out with some guy for a while when it didn't work out for her, she came back. It's the same set up. Date someone for a while if it doesn't work out we got back to each other. It works just like we planned it. We could bounce back from depression faster than before. The replacement strategy works it's amazing really. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so fond of Zel. I don't know why she's gives a feeling familiar. Then I remembered why. Zel lived close to where they were buried.

 A year ago. Kira and Rou my closest friends like the extension of my family. A kind of older brother and sister the ones I've always wanted. Though I have an older brother but we never got along. Kira and Rou have supported me since elementary. I never stopped my tantrums on my own they aided me along the way. Up to high school Rou taught me how to play the keyboard and Kira taught me how to write poetry and given me new insight of the world. Everything I know and everything I've learned came from them.

 They helped me to see what I could be. Everything feels right when I'm with them. In high school they started dating I became scared that they might not see me anymore but I was wrong they're still there for me. Life was calm and steady. We we're closer than ever. Then fate tore them away from me. Rou and Kira lived in an apartment on Carcery. I visited them sometimes. One day we planned a movie marathon and both of them asked me to stay the night at their place. It was night Kira got in the car and said she'll buy food for us. Asked if we wanted anything rustled my hair and then took off. I stayed in the apartment with Rou. He was preparing his syringe it was the hour of the day when he injects himself with insulin. (He's a diabetic and he's in bad condition but still fighting) while Kira's gone we're preparing the couch and got out blankets, fired up the laptop. It's odd though she should be back by now. Ignoring my thoughts I went up because I forgot to get the pillows from the bedrooms. Rou shouted "Noct!" I went down in a rush to see what's wrong. "We need to go" he said "Where?" "To the hospital. Kira's been in an accident." My heart dropped from what he said. I got on the motorbike with him and we drove to the hospital. Rou was in a rush to see Kira. We arrived at the hospital a few minutes later and we immediately asked a nurse to help us find where she is. When we arrived at where she's being tended she was already.... The air was filled with wails and screams of sadness and sorrow. We found

 Kira but she's no longer with us. She passed away. Rou was mortified she clung to her lifeless body and the doctor spoke to me outside the room. He said she was in a car collision with a truck and the driver he was in critical condition. Her car was totaled then her lower body was crushed from the force of her car. She died from suffocation. Rou was still crying inside hearing his wails of anguish made me cry. I never seen him like this. He was always the calm type but this was a different version of him. I sat at the waiting chairs outside of the room crying and put my hands on my face and wept. The funeral. It was depressing day for Rou and me. We lost a chunk of our lives in such a quick event. I looked at her casket. I memorized the features of her face because it would be the last time. She looked peaceful and at ease almost like she's sleeping. Rou was out there greeting people who would like to pay their respect then comforting Kira's parents. Everyone we know came, people from her work and old acquaintance even the guy involved in the accident arrived to pay his tribute and respect. He arrived on a wheelchair aided by his son who looked 13 years old. He apologized for what happened. Her parents were understanding even Rou and sat beside him during the service. Seeing him filled me with both rage and sadness but I can't hate him it's unfair but it wasn't his fault, it was an accident after all. I was filled with grief we all are. The time came when people have to say their eulogies. A few people described Kira and who she was in their lives then Rou he asked me if I wanted to say something but I couldn't say a word I was crying too much. He nodded then came up to the podium to say his piece. I couldn't make out what he was saying I was crying my eyes out in a corner but I did hear some of it. "You're the one who keeps me tied down to my life. You're the one who keeps me going the reason I fight every day the reason I live and I'm thankful for every moment you're by my side. I love you and I always will." with that he kissed her forehead for the last time and closed her casket and the burial proceeded. Two months later. There's been no sign of Rou. I wanted to comfort him for the loss of Kira but I couldn't. Now it feels like every time he sees me he's reminded of all the times the three of us where together. I can see confusion and pain in his eyes like he's lost everything when she passed away. I see him occasionally, a lot of his apperance has changed he looked frail but trying to put on a brave face. I can see right through him.

 He's pretending to live but ever since she died it looked like he died along with her. How long can he last? I don't relish the thought but it's not impossible that he would.... A week passed Rou finally asked me to

 come see him. I did. I went to his original home, he lives along my hometown in the Vale. I said Hi to his parents and proceeded upstairs. Rou was sitting in front of his computer and a picture frame of the three of us sat on the table. He was staring at it. He told me that he misses her every minute of the day. He gets teary eyed while I sit on the bed. Then he stood up and got something out of the drawer. He gave it to me frailty and clasped my shoulder and smiled. "I'm out of time Noct. I'll be leaving soon. I'm sorry there won't be a next time" through the tears he was smiling. I'm fighting the urges to cry but a few tears trickle my cheeks "Thank you. To the both of you. Say hi to her and tell her it's from me", I grinned "You got it!" he said. They found Rou dead in front of his desk clutching the picture of the three of us, they said he was smiling when they found him. His diabetes took a toll on him, he was living in borrowed time for a long time. He fights every day for her sake and now his time has run out. Life goes on even though the people in our lives are no longer there.

   Twists and turns

 A year has passed Zel decided to disappear again we're friends while she was dating a new guy and I was seeing a girl in my dorm. We were happy. "I guess if this works out the agreement would be over right? I asked "I guess it does" she replied. "How is it going? You know the dating the new girl?" she asked "Well you know. Good. She's nice and funny. What about you?" I replied "Good. He's nice and caring" she said. Finally I asked the question that bothers the both of us. I can feel it due to the lack of words and emojis she replies. "Will you miss it?" I asked "What?" "You know... about me and our agreement. If this works out we won't have to see each other or talk anymore" a moment of silence in the chat box then she began to type "I'll miss it of course you and me, every moment of it. I've never trusted anyone with anything. We've been through so much but I guess we can't fight and defy fate forever. It finally found a way to get us back to the system. Hahaha but we'll still talk we'll still be friends after all we've been through so much that counts as for something right?" "Yeah. It did at least we proved it wrong just for a little while right?" I said "Right. I hope things work out for the both of us. :)" And with that she logged out and I was lying in bed pondering about thoughts and how I got here and how the convoluted twist was just around the corner. I met this girl this year. She goes to the same school I do now and stays with us in our dormitory. She's different and unique. She's named Aly a year older than me. She was troubled but hard working and I find that attractive. She was a whole lot different from Zel. Zel was a person of emotion each of her strength is derived from her mood and emotional capability. Aly was different she do things because she has to even though she's incapable. She exceeded in academics. She was talented it seems like she could do anything, tenacity drives her. I took a fondness for Aly I find her amazing in the things she can do and accomplished. I took a shot at this girl and admitted that I like her. She accepted but she hasn't responded with my confessions yet but after I said it we were closer and everyone seemed to notice in the dorm. Then I was bombarded by questions if we were an item or we're already going out. The thought made me happy actually although we weren't yet anything more. I thought of Aly a lot she seemed like a person who should be taken seriously, a type of person who you can be open with and a type of girl who should be dated in an old school kind of way, a girl that you could take home and meet the folks. We're seeing each other for two months now we did everything like eating together in the dorm mostly dinner and breakfast. We took turns in cooking for each other it made me happy no one

 actually does these type of things for me. Sure I used to cook a lot for my best friend back then but she never did anything for me though. Aly was unlike her, she could help when she could and a down to earth kind of person most of the time. Then trouble came, there was a guy who keeps visiting her in the dorm. At first I paid no heed to this person then it became so frequent. I asked her who he was she just replied that he's just a friend and a lab partner. I took her word for it, people in our dorm seems suspicious of her but I ignored all of that. Months went by and each passing moment I became more sure and sure about my decisions. I felt like this was it, my time to stop trying and I have the chance to settle. Unfortunately people don't share my outlooks as my trust grew everyone had their doubts about actions about Aly and I continued to ignore them. We went to see a movie one night it was a spin off, one of her favorite franchises finally got a new installment for a very long time. I asked her to come see it with me, she said it was a bad time so I chipped in so we could both watch. It was the last week of it's premiere I figured it would mean a lot to her when we watch it. Then night came I said we're going to watch a movie, the one she wanted to see for a very long time. She was surprised and happy. I texted her that I'm going to pick her up at the University so we could go together. She said no need. I became wary and I walked to the University in case I might run in to her on the way there and I did. I was walking on the opposite side of the street, people all around and small stores too. I hid with the crowd and looked from a far. I saw her with a guy everyone's been talking about and they were holding hands then she grabbed and hugged his arm. She texted me a while later "Ready to go? I'm so excited :D" "Yeah. I'm ready. I just have to pick up a few things" I just simply replied. No wonder she didn’t want to be picked up, because she was to busy being escorted home. One thing entered my mind that time I have to end this tonight. I decided to stop this charade everyone told me even before I decided to engage someone already warned me she was trouble. I took a long look at myself that I've stooped this low. Why haven't I seen it? I guess part of me did see but I played blind, I was thinking that all of my efforts would go to waste but that got me under her thumb. She kissed me once and I thought it was real, it was just a way to keep me in line and under her. She played me for a sap! I was being played and I kept dancing to the tune like an idiot. Goddamnit! I was mad at her but I was more infuriated at myself that I got this far deep. All of my comprehension, safeguards and knowledge I got played and manipulated. Everyone warned me I guess everyone saw me like blind and deaf man walking to a cliff people warning me about my impending doom and I kept walking. But in reality I wasn't blind and deaf just an idiot.

   Setting terms

 A few months passed and Aly and I took the step in becoming strangers. I was the first to disappear and avoided her. Sure it was cold but it wasn't worth the closure. Sometimes I greet her but she doesn't greet back she thinks I'm doing this out of spite for her, if she thinks like that I guess she's guilty for leading me on. When she walks by in the lounging area and I'm also there everyone turns quiet and returns to normal when she's no longer there. I was still crossed with myself and asked an apology for everyone that warned me, I just need to see for myself before I believe. I do feel bad for her sometimes but it was not the time to play hero and take all the blame. They were the one who saw and I only realized it when it was too late. Apparently I wasn't to only one who was taken as a hack. Zel called me one night crying "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have left. We were better off before" she said "I'm

 sorry." "No. I'm sorry. I just thought that this was it. We could be happy even without each other." she said crying "I thought so too. I thought that this would be different that we don't have to rely on each other anymore" "Yes. Noct I wish I never had left. It hurts... It hurts so much" she's still crying "I know it does. But you still got me. I won't hurt you and I won't leave you" I said trying to make her stop "Thank you lovey. I love you" "I love you too". Life went on, Zel and I talk a lot more than before. Sometimes every two days then we talk for hours. We became closer and closer to each other. We planned a bunch of stuff to see each other, go on trips and vacations and other adventures when we've finally set things for good. It was fun dreaming with her, it took my mind off Aly and gave me hope and comfort that I'm not a waste of space, that I actually meant to someone and her name was Zel Lyan. Two months have passed since our incidents with our old flames. Zel asked me to see her. She wanted me to attend it with her, it was her best friend’s birthday and it was at the Carcery about 15minutes from my home she called me and begged me to come, there was an odd tone in her voice. I ignored it and went along. "Please come with me. I need a partner and it could be fun" she pleaded. It was her best friend's 18th birthday and her father want to throw a big party for her. "As much as I want to come with you I'm still not sure. I might stay here cause I'm backed up with school stuff" she sighed "Let me know if you're coming. I'll tell her as soon as possible" "Yes, I will thank you". I wanted to come with Zel this was enough to light a fire within me. I wanted our agreement to be a relationship for months now, this could be the perfect time to do it. I strived for the past few days to complete each task as quickly and as correctly as possible. Weeks of crammed and stuck paper works completed in four days. Friday came I texted Zel. " Heeeey lovey! Wanted to ask if the spot of being your partner was still open? I finished all of my school stuff. Also would it be okay if you brought me along? I haven't met your best friend before, I just don't want it to be awkward" for a minutes later she replied "Yes it's still open! :D Thank you lovey. Don't worry she knows you I told her all about you, you've got nothing to worry about. See you soon lovey!". Saturday came I got home and asked my mom to drive me there. She agreed and I went on in picking my clothes. I wore a dark blue polo shirt, a necktie, a black coat and black pants the works. Then night came my mom dropped me off and went home. Zel was waiting by the gate all clad in black a nice black dress that suits her, black high heels and her hair flowing down. The moment I got out of the vehicle I was already stunned by her. "Is there something wrong?" she asked "You're beautiful" I said. She kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand and led me in. The party was outstanding it was set up at an old garden lights hang from trees and other posts, it was an overwhelming sight to see. Zel wanted me to meet Natalie. "Is this the famous Noct?" her best friend said smiling at me "Happy Birthday Natalie!" I said. "Thank you! It's a pleasure to finally meet you" she extended her hand for a hand shake and I grabbed it. "A pleasure to meet you too." then we made our way to Natalie's father. Then with the pleasantries out of the way the party started. The party included a segment where Natalie's friends were to slow dance with the company they bought along that meant I had to slow dance with Zel. I grabbed her hand and put my left hand on her waist (like in those old movies) she put her hand on my shoulder and we danced. I was trying my best to keep up with her and I did a fairly good job with it. She was staring at me her eyes luster and shimmer with the lights, I ignored all thoughts of everyone it felt like it was just me and her. We stare at each other as we danced and I restrained myself for leaning in for a kiss. After the dance everyone got a bite to eat and the after party started. Zel didn't mention this part, apparently Natalie's parents were open and generous enough to let everyone drink, as long as they were allowed by their parents. Zel and I were at the table she grabbed a bunch of beer, ice and a bottle

 of whisky and a shot glass. (Damn I can't let her run wild when she gets too drunk!) The night went on I gave Zel my coat and she's wearing it on her shoulders. We talked for a while I told her that I wanted to make our agreement a relationship, I told her that we could make things work and everything could be perfect, she was silent I think she had too much to drink. Then I went to find a bathroom I came across Natalie's dad he looks like he had too much to drink though "Do I know you?" he gasped I was speechless then Natalie stepped in "He's a friend dad." "I haven't seen him before!" My mind was racing Uh-oh Busted! I thought. Natalie dragged me by the corner "Noct. I'm sorry my dad had a bit too much to drink but I'm sorry for the next part also" she said "What is it?" "He said you can't spend the night here and asked you to leave. He had too much to drink. This is not the first time it's happened though last year he almost punched my boyfriend, Dad tends to lose his memory every time he drinks" she laughed "I'm sorry Noct. Wish we could have chatted more" she apologized "No it's okay! Thank you this is an awesome party and thank you for having me" I grinned "Always a pleasure. Please take care of her." she glanced at Zel she was sitting there and laughing with her other friends. "It would be a pleasure" I shook her hand again and went to Zel again. I broke the news to her "Sorry my stay would have to be cut short" I apologized "It is okay. At least I had you this night. It's wonderful" she smiled I feel a bit tipsy I had too much and so did Zel. I was about to lean in for the kiss then my mom arrived. Damnit! We both went out of the gate. Mom was parked in front of the driveway, she opened the window and said "Hi" "Mom this is Zel" "Helloo" Zel said then she looked back at me. I took my coat from her and we looked at each other. "I had fun" I said, she had a melancholic look on her face. We gazed for a minute and my mind said I should go for it! Grabbed her by her waist and she leaned in and we kissed. I ignored the mortified expression of my mom, my thoughts were only on Zel. It was like a kiss in those old movies where the hero finally gets the girl, and I was feeling like a hero too at that time who finally got the girl of his dreams. Her lips were soft and I closed my eyes while I was kissing her and so did she, she lightly plants another kiss after the first like it was her own signature. I see her as glowing under the party lights and the stars. I stepped back and whispered "I love you" she mouthed the words but I couldn't make it out. Then I stepped into the car and my mom asked "Is she your girlfriend?" "I wish" I responded and with that note we went home.

   The disappearance

 A few days since Natalie's birthday. We chatted about Natalie's birthday how her father felt embarrassed for sending me home from his temporal drinking amnesia and apologized to Zel for it. It was okay with me really I felt like a party crasher when I attended, I guess I got off easy. Zel seems different though, when she calls she always says "I love you" in a sad way like something was wrong. It was every time she called even a little as asking something she will always say "I love you" in a sad tone. Wasn't she ready to make it real or did me kissing her bothered her too much? I'm not so sure. I wanted to see her again. I just need the right amount of time. She texted me one day. "Noct. Don't come and find me" my heart dropped. Why? Where will she go? Why doesn't she want me to find her? Immediately I tried calling her... No answer. Again... No answer.... I tried her facebook account. I was

 blocked. It doesn't make any sense?! Why would she just disappear on me?! Did I do something wrong?? Was I too forward? I just gotta know why. It's driving me crazy. I wanted her to be with me. Just when I

 thought I could make something work, then bad things happen. I'm worried about Zel things don't feel right. Days have passed still no sign of Zel. I was getting sad. Every day I didn't lose hope that she would send a message anything would suffice I just want to know where she is. The weekend came I went home to Vale. Lying in bed I tried to think, should I go to Carcery to find her manually? I need a lead though. It was worth a shot, what if she doesn't want to see me? I do have the right to know what happened. My minds made up. I'll find her I opened my cabinet and saw my coat. The same one she wore that night if I'm going to search for her I'm gonna need all the money I have. I grabbed the coat from the hanger, it still smells like her. I dig in the coat pockets and found something.... An envelope? It says Noct. I sat on my bed and opened the envelope. It was from Zel...

   "Noct, if you're reading this I might have already disappeared. I want to get this out of the way and I hope you can forgive me. I haven't been completely honest with you. I hid things from you, actually this was the only thing I couldn't share with you. I'm sick I have a blood infection that deteriorates my health, it takes makes me weaker and weaker every day and whatever medication I take doesn't prolongs my life, it merely hides it's symptoms for me to live a normal life. I'm a dead girl walking from the start and I was just waiting for death to claim me. This is one of the reasons why I could never be in a serious relationship, whenever I share this, people will just simply let me go and don't want to date the dying girl but at least they kept their promise of not telling anyone. Noct I'm going to end it all, I convinced my father to euthanize me, my sister tried to stop me but I convinced her too. I can't live like this I can't burden anyone. The reason why my father went overseas it was because of me. I can't live and slowly turn in to the ghost of the person I used to be, but someone almost made me change my mind. Lovey the moment you texted me that you wanted to get serious I couldn't be happier, I wanted to be yours and I wanted you to be mine, but I can't as much as I wanted to be with you I can't... You're different Noct from the moment I saw you, the way you talk and the actions you've taken. When we get into a relationship we're only going to get hurt. None of us will be able to let go. When I tell you that I'm dying I have a feeling that you won't leave me and move on when I'm gone and I'm thankful for it, but I can't let you.. I can't let you hold my hand when death takes me away. I can't bear seeing you every day while I die a little bit every moment. I want to thank you, I never felt sick when I'm with you I feel alive when we're together. I asked you to be here tonight because I wanted to see you for the last time, to dance with you and to hold you close. It was a great life when you came, we've got to drink even though I'm not supposed to but why the heck not I'm dying anyway right? Hahaha You're truly one of a kind Noct, if there is a reincarnation I want to be with you and fall in love with you all over again. I hope fate takes kindly to me because of what we did. Hahaha. I can't thank you enough. I love you Noctus Calem. You'll always be my lovey and I'm sorry for everything.

 Forever yours and no one else's Zel Lyan"

   I'm clutching the letter crying. I can't stop the tears and I can't stop shaking. I remember the night when we said goodbye I finally know the words she mouthed me after our kiss. "I'm sorry". The thought made

 me cry more. Tears falling from my cheeks to the floor and her letter. One of the most amazing person in my life is gone and I can't see her again forever. I prayed to God that he would take her kindly and she would never know pain again. I also thanked him that I met someone as unique and as wonderful as her.

      Epilogue

 A month has passed. I'm in Saint Luke's Memorial Park in Carcery. It was a beautiful afternoon with the orange sunlight still present. I'm in front of Kira and Rou's graves telling them the story of Zel while tears trickle down my face as I recall everything. I told them if she's with them take care of her for me. Then someone tapped my shoulder "Are you ready to see her" a girl's voice said it was Leena, Zel's sister. She contacted me under specific instructions from her sister to call me in a month. I nodded and grabbed the flowers, a black candle, her favorite color and I stood. Leena led me through the graveyard and we found ourselves under a tree and there was a lonely grave. I lit the candle and put the flowers in front of her grave. I said a silent prayer and stared at her grave for a while. Tears trickle down from my face once again, as I recall every memory of her. Leena sat down with me and asked "Do you miss her?" "Everyday. I wish we had more time" I replied "She loved you. She prolonged her life because of you, she was supposed to end it a lot more early and then you came along. She decided to stay a little while longer… Thank you" she said. I nodded silently. Leena stood and said she has to go, I bid her farewell and decided to stay a while longer. As Leena left I decided to take a page out of Rou's book and say a eulogy. "You're the most consistent person in my life. Always looking out for me and always caring. You never falter to make me smile and laugh. I hope you're in a better place now. Lots of love from here and I miss you so much every moment. I love you Zel" with that tears trickle more down my face. Life has a way of going on without the people we love and care for, but it has an odd way of extending when we met the right person. I'm glad that I've become a big part of her life as much as she's become a big part of mine. Fate may be cruel but at least I had a partner in crime to defy and hold a middle finger in front of it for a while to show it that we don't agree with its decisions any longer. I wasn't mad at Zel I was just sad that she didn't reveal any of this, though if he thinks it's for the best, then I trust her final decisions. I closed my eyes for a while and I tried to recall everything since I bumped into her that fateful, up to the agreement and our first kiss, everything was so clear and vivid I wish we could have told stories before you left I thought to myself. As the black candle continues to burn and the sun is about to set I stood, because it was time for me to go and I dug out a photo of her in my pocket, it was from Natalie's birthday party a picture of us, staring at each other smiling like it was the last time. I placed it on her grave and took one last look. I walked away from her grave and forced myself to smile thinking that she wouldn't want me to be sad when I come see her.