#also read a time travel fix-it that ended so badly it almost *ruined* the whole genre for me but i'm reading a good one rn so they can stay

[big-urchin-energy]

truly we could not rid the world of any au, the fandom ecosystem must have balance, and so, as much as it pains me to admit, much like the humble mosquito, or the wasp i fucking guess, we have to keep soulmate aus

(but they should go on a high shelf until alloros learn how to behave)

(if you said omegaverse aus, grow up. stop being a baby. they're not for you, they are for the furries, the touch starved, and those with breeding kinks, and where would we be without them?)

[janekfan]

ooooh..... difficult anniversary and/or you’re not human anymore bingo prompts for jarchivist obliteration?

AAAA This took so long! I am SO SORRY!!! <3 <3 <3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31123295

Jon was used to hurting.

Used to hiding.

Which is why he didn’t notice. Didn’t understand what was happening to him and more importantly why.

A panic attack here. A bad day there. A cold, maybe? Until the scars on his skin from the worms and the corkscrew and the scratching woke one day as though they were fresh and new. His skin crawled, the slightest touch filled him with revulsion and, lord, he had to keep it together because Martin would almost certainly overreact and Jon hated, hated to be the source of his worry.

So he would ignore it as usual.

Whatever it was would pass. And he could avoid being the center of attention for this thing that was out of their control. He’d read the Lord of the Rings. He knew about the less romantic side of anniversaries. What was one more thing for him to overcome?

It didn’t stop them from hurting like the day they were drawn on his body and while the rents in his skin looked the same as they ever did, he nearly bloodied himself after a particularly wretched nightmare with his frenzied clawing.

And it passed. The burning, bleeding, boring sensations disappeared and Martin hadn’t suspected a thing. Okay, that was a lie. But he seemed mollified enough when Jon wrote it off as a tough week at university.

“I’m just tired, habibi.” He forced himself to reach for Martin’s hands, sighing in gusty relief when everything was normal and allowing himself to get wrapped up in warm arms.

The mark left behind by the Distortion ached deep and throbbing and somehow also elsewhere. It was a phantom pain traveling the myriad corridors of his veins, his arteries, his nerves and when he couldn’t rid himself of it in any conventional way, he waited. It would pass. It would. Just like the last one. This was just pain. He knew pain. Was fast friends with it by now and this was nothing like his worst days.

“Jon-darling?”

“Mm?” He was flipping through the pages in a book, not too fast, not too slow, not really reading anything, trying to pretend that everything was normal when his foot cramped up like he’d been bitten. He was practiced now in not looking; there wouldn’t be anything there anyway. His skin might as well have been a great big door and the only way through to the other side didn’t involve knocking.

“You look pale.” Ah. Well. Pain like this would do that to a man.

“Just a little sore today, love.” It wasn’t a lie. Jon set the book aside, not bothering to mark whatever random page he’d landed on, and threaded their fingers together.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you talk me into carrying the shopping.”

“What are you talking about? I always help carry the shopping.” Despite his chronic conditions, Jon pulled his own weight.

No, stop. Of course you do and you have nothing to prove, especially not to Martin of all people.

“You’ve been run down.”

“I have not!” Martin fixed him with a stern look and he cowed under his scrutiny. “Perhaps a bit, but you know how these things go.”

“I do. And I can’t help but feel like there’s something you aren’t telling me.” Here it was. Martin’s overture, his olive branch. His invitation to come clean and tell the truth and avoid his wrath when he found out later. But Jon never was a quick learner of these social lessons.

“I’m fine, hayati.” Jon soothed, tipping Martin into his newly throbbing shoulder. “I’m fine.”

The next three hit him like a lorry, nearly as hard as they had a year ago and nearly all at once.

His burn scar, just like the worm scars, felt blistered as badly as the day he’d taken Jude’s hand, and he shook violently at the onset of it, thankful he was squirreled away in his office at the University and not crying into Martin’s shirt even if that’s where he’d prefer to be but Martin hates burns.

Hates how they look, how twisted and ugly they become when they scar.

Burns made him upset. Burns made him sick.

He hates them. Hates them. And while Jon was reasonably sure Martin would never turn him away when he was hurting like this, the fluttering undercurrent chanting what if wouldn’t leave him be.

So Instead he sniffled away in the dark, wrist pressed between his knees in a vain attempt to stop the shaking while he tried to remember how to breathe.

It was dark when he slipped into bed beside Martin, dead asleep after a run of night shifts. For a frantic moment Jon wanted to shake him awake, beg for reasurances, for relief, but it would ruin this. Martin looked so peaceful, face relaxed in repose, cheek soft when Jon pressed his trembling lips there.

“Jon... ?” Washing out on a swirling tide his voice was fuzzy, thick with exhaustion, and the hand that brushed the small of his back lingered only for the time it took for him to drift back under. No. He’d wrought enough damage here. Better for Martin to rest without worry. He shouldn’t have to deal with Jon and his problems. Especially when they would be arriving like clockwork for the rest of his life. Jon pressed himself against Martin’s warmth, trying to soak it up, stop the shivering. How could he be so frozen when his whole right arm was engulfed in flame? Silent, he let the tears come, closing his eyes against a burgeoning dizziness he knew would only grow worse.

Be quiet. Just be quiet. Don’t disturb him, you mustn’t. You’ve nothing else to give except more burdens that aren’t his to carry.

The ceiling was spinning so fast above him; lights, cast shadows, cabinets whirling, reeling, spiraling so much he’d be sick with it any minute. The vibrations from Martin’s pounding footsteps resonated through the whole of him, pulsing, in time with his uneven battering pulse.

He barely remembered the actual fall, just the terrifying sensation of being weightless and the fear welling in his throat like coagulated ink. Forever. He’d be falling forever. Nothing to hold. To grab. To slow. To Know.

Endless.

His scream wrenched away from him in the rushing winds filling up his ears, stealing his voice, his breath. No one could hear him in this place. Martin would never know what happened. That Jon was eaten up by the sky. Surrounded infinitely on all sides by a sea of simultaneous nonexistence and brutal presence. Jon’s awareness whittled down only to the pull of gravity in all the wrong directions.

“Jon!” A bleary shape manifested above him, blocking out the worst of it. Hands, gentle, probing, searching subconsciously for breaks, contusions, his training winning out over the panic Jon could just make out in the set of his mouth. Fingers ran soft through his curls, seeking out any swellings and Jon winced when he found one. Must’ve struck his head on the way down. Those cool hands settled, cupping his face, and twin thumbs brushed over his cheeks. “You’re warm, love.” A murmur, almost to himself as Martin puzzled.

“B’bit of, of vertigo, s’all.” Uncoordinated, Jon’s arm struck out as he tried to reach for him and landed on his wrist. “Tryin’...nnh.” He gripped Martin like a lifeline, slamming his eyes shut against the need to be ill.

“You’ve clocked yourself.” Fair enough. “But I think you’re alright. Think you can move?” With no other option than to speak lest he set it all swirling again, Jon whimpered. “Okay.” With one more pass through his hair Martin stepped away and soon enough had Jon settled as best he could on the tile, tucked beneath a blanket with a cold pack pressed to the back of his neck. Relief came gradually and Martin’s unasked questions lingered on the edges of their companionable silence. “Better?”

“Mm.” Despite the hard surface applied to every pressure point, Jon was falling asleep cocooned in the safety of Martin’s soothing company.

He wouldn’t be able to keep this up

Martin teased him mercilessly about the loss of his voice and Jon let him have it if it kept him from noticing how sore his throat really was. He wanted to tell him that it was Daisy’s mark, to cry and come clean and beg Martin to stay.

But that wouldn’t be fair. Jon had to be a whole person in this relationship and stop relying on Martin to pick up the slack. He would figure this out. He’d prove his past didn’t control him.

After he could get out of bed.

And here was what he’d strived to avoid. Finally laid low.

“I worry, Jon. You know that.” That was the problem. Martin was already going to be late to work from all his fussing. With the scrap of voice he’d gained back he protested in a hoarse whisper, syllables squeaking past what felt like a shredded voice box and listened to Martin call in again. He had to be better than this but he was overwrought, dangling at the end of a very frayed rope. This marked a sharp decline and Jon was sure it hadn’t escaped Martin’s notice that they were coming up on the date he’d more or less died. He could barely rouse himself in the mornings for school, drifting through lessons and relying more on his TA than he’d like. More than once he’d splurged on a cab, not sure if he’d make it on the tube and Martin’s fretting and worry and distress only made Jon more secure in his conviction. If it was this bad already, how bad would it become if he knew the reason it was all happening? They were supposed to be free of this. Jon wasn’t supposed to keep doing this to Martin.

Melanie’s scar throbbed, chipping away at any scant reserve he had left and ruthless with its aim. It was worse than Daisy’s even though he could understand both motivations. Daisy was putting down a monster. Mel was striking out at someone trying to help, driving home with the scalpel that no good deed goes unpunished. Rationally, he knew he’d deserved it. Too bad it didn’t dull the sting of it all really.

“Darling? Sweetheart?” Jon forced his eyes open, gasping when it sent the dark room to pirouetting, his stomach to churning, staging a mutiny against the scant meal he’d forced on himself not too long ago. Anything he’d gained in their short reprieve had long melted away under the stress. “I’m here, what’s wrong, love?”

“Nnothing…” he regretted the word as soon as it passed his lips.

“You’ve a fever so high it woke me. That’s not nothing, Jon.” Mercifully, he gave him a moment to gather his thoughts, catalogue how much more of this he could take before it broke him. Burned hand shaking, Jon clenched his fist which didn’t help the pain rocketing through his arm and into his heart, but steadied him.

“Jus’a, a bit of a flare up.” Those sometimes came with fevers.

“Oh, love. Why didn’t you say?”

Because it was a lie. Because I didn’t want you to worry. Because I never want to see you upset over me. Because I’m not worth it. Because if it’s always going to be like this--

“Din’t want you to, to…” The cramping agony slurred his voice badly, stringing syllables together with an uncooperative tongue was too much effort. “Nngh.” Dazed and groggy, Jon shut his eyes tightly, trying to focus on Martin’s soothing touch stroking over his face. Like a coward, Jon let sleep rescue him from the truth.

It was the flesh that gave him away.

Woke him screaming; hot and twisting in agony with Jared’s phantom fingers dug into his rib cage. More fingers clamped onto his shoulders, shaking him, a distorted voice calling, shouting his name over and over and over.

“Jon!” Martin was little more than a blur, obscured by tears, and Jon’s panic was reflected straight back at him. “Where does it hurt?”

“Wha…?”

“Where, habibi? Left, right? Please, Jon.”

“Not...not. S’not--” He couldn’t get the words to come, to admit after so long what he’d kept poorly hidden.

“Not what?” Frustration bled sideways into his words and Martin gripped him harder as though he might tear the answers out of him.

“Real.” It burst from him in a raw, somehow soft explosion. It wasn’t. Not really. The wounds were long healed over.

“Looks plenty real from here, Jon.” He batted away questing fingers.

“No. No.” There was no way he’d be able to explain through this piercing agony, the literal holes invisible in his skin.

“It’s the fears, isn’t it? Your marks, your scars.” Martin already knew judging by the disquiet in his tone. This was merely confirmation.

“Yes.” He sobbed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” There was hurt in his voice, sadness and betrayal, alongside the ire.

“I thought, I thought--” Jon couldn’t breathe, panic and pain stealing the very air from his lungs. This was only going to get worse. After all they’d done, he’d done--how was he still a monster?

“Shh, shhh, thought what, love?” Martin held him carefully, mindful of all the ways Jon hurt, ticking off fears and scars on mental fingers, trying to figure out how long he’d been hiding it. How long he’d been suffering alone.

“Supposed to be, god, supposed to be safe, free of this.” He was trembling now, with chills or anxiety or both, gasping for every sip of oxygen and swallowing seawater for his trouble. “Can’t, what if--?” Choking himself off, Jon strangled. Martin stayed silent, rocking them both gently, back, forth, soft, slow, calm, calm, calm, and when Jon finally spoke again had to strain to hear him over the echo of a hammering heart beat. “Every year?”

Every year.

He couldn’t Breathe.

Everything was close. So close, too close, and he was crushed under the implications.

“Jon?” Now he was heaving for it, fast and deep, and while Martin could feel the strain it was to breathe he knew it wouldn’t be long before Jon lost consciousness altogether. “Hey, hey, listen, hayati, slow down, sloow down.” Jon’s entire body lifted when Martin inhaled, and again, and again, until he picked up the thread and made more than a half decent attempt. “Okay, there you are, you’re doing so well, sweetheart. So well.” Time passed in measured breaths, so much so that Martin had begun to think Jon had fallen asleep when:

“You’ll leave.”

Soft and shattered. All the fear that he’d piled onto the pain flowing out of him, a dam burst and broken.

“I won’t.” Jon’s movements were hard-won but he managed to shift himself enough to face him. His expression was firm.

“You, you can’t be stuck taking care of an i’invalid again, Martin. I won’t. I won’t have it.”

“Ah. You won’t have it.” Martin scoffed. “And what about me? When do I get a choice?” Jon, eyes wide and dark with exhaustion and pain, looked at him as though he’d grown a second head, perhaps a third.

Or like Martin was a predator and Jon was prey, cornered and hurting.

“You shouldn’t want this.” Me. “This, this burden. This trap!”

“You’re not some sort of trap!” Martin could see the moment Jon decided to change tactics, to try and convince him otherwise, win the game. Too bad for Jon that Martin knew him better than he knew himself.

“You want this don’t you?” He sneered, so convinced, and while once upon a time it would have made Martin wilt and retreat, now he was familiar with Jon’s lashing out. Sorry, Jon. “I won’t be another reason for you to martyr yourself.”

“And I won’t be scared off by your nasty attitude.” Softening, he reached for Jon’s trembling hands, running his thumbs methodically over the backs of them. “I won’t. Together. Right?”

“Martin.” His name broke open on a sob. “I don’t. I don’t want this for you.”

“Tough.” Smothered, Jon’s next words died in his throat, a fledgling bird crushed before it could take flight. “You don’t get to choose for me, even to protect me.”

“Every year--”

“We don’t know that. Not yet.” Martin eased him down. “You aren’t a burden. You aren’t trapping me here.” He kissed away the tears, the hopelessness, even as Jon shook his head nigh delirious.

“I am, I am.”

“No, love. What you are is worn out and hurting.” Martin teased out Jon’s tangled curls, stroking his fingers through them and watching him relax as much as he could at the moment. “What you’re going to do is let me take care of things. Of you, Jon.”

“Don’deserve you.” Fresh tears welled in half lidded brown eyes, slipped into the fly aways at his temples when they closed. “Never have.” Martin stood, pressing lips to his hot brow, intending to gather up anything he thought might help.

“We’ll talk when you’re feeling better.” Jon nodded and Martin turned to leave, stopping when he found himself caught by quaking fingers tangled in his sleeve.

“I, I love you.” Contrite, whispered and awaiting rejection. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, darling.” Martin leaned down, thumbing away new tears. “I know, I know and I love you too.” He stole one more shivering kiss. “Let’s get you taken care of.”

[eveningcatcher]

Courtiers when MC goes on a long trip

Volta

 “So, I’m off to travel,” MC stated once again as they took their bags off the floor, walking to the carriage.

“Did you pack enough food?” Volta asked as they tried to put in a sandwich in Mc’s bag.

“I did Volta,” MC reassured them, “We’ve packed it together, remember?”

“But, but,” Volta looked at them in disbelief, “That can’t be all you’re taking, right, right?”

“Trust me, it’s enough,” they reassured her as they gave her a quick peck on the lips, “Will you be fine without me around?”

“Oh, of course!” Volta smiled as she hugged MC one last time, “Volta has been alone for so long, she’ll be fine!”

“Alright,” MC returned the hug as they let their hand pet Volta’s hair one last time,” I’ll send you letters.”

“Oh, please do,” she said with a smile, “Take care!”

Once MC was out of sight Volta let out a sigh and went back to her estate. Happily, she started eating her food as if nothing happened. It was only the next week when she didn’t find MC that she started to panic. Oh, they’re gone, right. When did they say they’ll return? Two months, right. That’s no big deal to her. She is 100 years old! She can survive a few months…

“Um, sir,” one of the servants said as they carried an envelope, “You have a letter.”

“From whom?” she asked, curious. Does Nadia want to hold another meeting?

“MC, si-” as soon as he said MC’s name Volta jumped at him, snatching the envelope. With her tiny hands, she tried her best to open it but to no avail. Frustrated, she tore the envelope, taking out a parchment of paper.

My dearest Volta,

 After a whole week of being bored to death, I finally got to Nevivon. Unfortunately, I haven’t visited any interesting place, so I have nothing to write about.

             I truly wish that you could write me a letter telling me about how you’ve been, but I have no clue where I might end up by the time you receive this letter.

 Take care,

MC

 Volta reread the letter a couple of times, wishing she was with MC, but oh well, it can’t be helped. The most important thing is that they are safe and sound now. Feeling the warmth from MC’s kind words fill her heart, she put the letter on her desk and went to have dinner, thinking about MC the whole time. As she finished her 4th dinner she started to worry. MC never said if they had enough food. What if they’re hungry? Oh, poor little MC… she can’t do anything for them. The whole night was spent with zero sleep, Volta just couldn’t rest at the thought of MC being hungry.

Worry was eating her out, clouding her mind, not being able to do anything but think about the worst scenarios that could happen to MC. Frantically, she walked through her mansion, falling over many of her antiques that were collecting dust. As she stared at her scratched wrist, she started to panic more. If a demon like her could get hurt in the comfort of her home then who knows what could happen to MC! She bit her nails from stress until she felt the blood run down her fingers.

Just before she was about to ask for help, the servant came by and, with clear worry, helped poor Volta with the wounds. After he was done with bandaging the arm, he pulled out an envelope from his pocket, helping Volta open it. He put down the piece of paper on her lap and left the room.

She quickly took the paper, then immediately stopped from the pain on her fingertips. After taking a deep breath, she read the letter. There wasn’t anything that could interest Volta, MC talked about the beaches, different people they met as well as the food they tried. Food! So, they are eating well. Volta let out a loud sigh, happy that none of her worries was true.

Happy with the letter, she went downstairs, eating the food she didn’t eat this morning, knowing that everything is fine. MC is doing great and, by the looks of it, Volta will get their letters daily.

The next day passed and the sky has already started to darken. Volta didn’t receive any letters from MC that day. She bit on the bandages in worry. What happened? She would have pondered on the topic a bit more, had Vulgora not entered the room.

“Tiny one, what are you doing in here?!?” they asked, as they picked tiny Volta up, “You’re late and Nadia’s fucking pissed!” they mumbled as they left Volta’s mansion with her on their shoulder like some sort of bag.

Not much time has passed and the two of them were sitting in one of Nadia’s meetings with Volta barely visible behind the food. Much to everyone’s surprise, she didn’t take a bite.

After a while, Nadia asked, “Dear Volta, is something the matter?”

As soon as she heard Nadia’s gentle words, Volta didn’t know what to do other than crying. Through sobs and shaky breaths, she confessed about all of her worries for MC. Valdemar and Valerius rolled their eyes, not giving a damn about Volta’s feelings while Vlastomil listened carefully, knowing that this will be a great topic to gossip about. Vulgora, on the other hand, was just annoyed.

“Just grow some balls, Volta.”

“But, but,” she said through sobs, “What if MC died?” just the thought of it made her cry even more.

“I can assure you they’re alive,” Valdemar simply stated, hoping that Volta will calm down soon.

“How can I know if you’re lying?” she asked bitterly as she stared at the courtiers, “All you ever do is lie to me and throw me around. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!” she shouted as she left the court meeting making everyone feel uncomfortable.

Vulgora stared at tiny Volta leave feeling only pity for her. Sure, they are a cold-blooded soldier, but Volta is like a child to them and out of all of the courtiers she is the most bearable one. They didn’t want to ruin their reputation by comforting tiny Volta, but they also didn’t want to see her cry. Then, it hit them. They won’t fix this, MC will!

 On the other side of the sea, MC was taking a walk in an abandoned street, feeling a bit uneasy. Once they felt someone throw them over their shoulder, they started screaming and punching for their dear life.

“Calm down pipsqueak!” Vulgora shouted, “I’m just bringing you back to Vesuvia.”

“What?”MC said as they calmed down a bit. They didn’t even hear Vulgora coming,” But… how? Why?” they kept on asking.

“Because tiny Volta is crying like a baby and I’m sick of it! So you’re coming with me to fix that!”

“But why did you come all the way here? Couldn’t you just comfort Volta on your own?” MC asked, still not understanding a thing going on.

“Stop asking unnecessary questions!” they shouted, “Just do your thing and make her stop crying!”

Mc nodded, going back to their dearest Volta.

In Vesuvia, Volta was lamenting in her misery, not even wanting to talk with Nadia. She still bit onto her bandages, making her fingertips bleed once more. She wished so badly that MC could be there with her, but she knew that won't happen anytime soon. She started crying once more, secretly being surprised at how much she was capable of crying. Just when she was about to stop her session, MC gave them a huge hug.

"Sh, Volta," MC said as they kissed her forehead, "Everything will be fine."

"MC," she said through her sobs, hugging them as tightly as she could, "Oh, you've finally returned! Volta was so, so worried. Please don't leave her like that ever again!"

MC smiled as they watched Vulgora happily leaving the two of them alone, "Alright, next time, I'm bringing you with me."

"Promise?" she asked, her eyes getting glossy from tears of joy.

"Promise."

  Vlastomil

 “Vlasty, don’t you think you’ve forgotten something?” MC asked as they stood in front of the doors of his living room.

He stared at MC for a moment, thinking about that statement, “No, why?”

“I’m travelling today.” They simply stated, a bit disappointed that he forgot about it.

“WHAT? Aren’t you supposed to go next week?” he stared at them. He was so busy taking care of the worms, especially the pregnant ones that he completely forgot.

“No, it’s today. I have to leave soon.”

“No, no,” he tried to quickly come up with an excuse to make them stay a bit longer,” But you didn’t say bye to the worms…”

“I know,” MC said, thinking about how they’d rather not do that, “But I have no time to say goodbye to all of them. Do you want to go with me to the docks?”

He quickly picked up Wriggler and left with MC to the docks. The two of them got there just in time before the ship sailed off. Vlastomil stayed on the docks far longer than he should, almost as if he was waiting for the ship to return. Who knows how much longer he would have stayed there had Wriggler not started to get nervous around so many unknown people.

Once he got back to his mansion he noticed that something was missing. Yes, his many children were there with him but the mansion still felt empty and cold. Vlastomil wished he could have properly said goodbye to MC. But nothing can be done now. He brushed off that miserable feeling and went back to taking care of the worms.

Days passed by and the feeling of needing something that was just out of his grasp didn’t go away. Not even the labour of one of his worms made him feel better. He hated this feeling. He is a demon and yet, he had to go through the feeling process. Of course, he did feel something for MC and he knew that it was love, but he hated all of these miserable feelings. It made him feel small and helpless and he hated that.

The next day he couldn’t run away from his job as a Praetor anymore so he had to drag himself to the Colosseum to attend the trial. Anything that both the prosecution and defence said seemed to go through one then the other ear. Valstomil just didn’t give a damn about that person. He didn’t like the way the person looked at him.

“I have made my decision,” he abruptly said, “You are… guilty! Oh yes, very guilty indeed.”

“But your honour,” the defence started talking, “It’s obvious that…”

“How dare you question my decision!” Vlastomil said, getting offended more and more.

It seemed that was enough to make everyone shut up with a few mutterings of apologies from the defence. Once the whole ordeal was done, Valerius approached him, “Praetor, what is the meaning of all of this?”

“What do you mean by that?” Praetor asked, playing dumb, “I’ve just said my verdict. That’s what judges do, right?”

Valerius stared at him in disbelief, wanting to say something, but deciding not to. He let Vlastomil get off the hook this time, but if something like this were to repeat, there would be consequences.

And so it repeated. Each time Vlastomil got tipsier and tipsier, declaring everyone guilty and demanding that the ‘guilty’ gets hanged. Valerius decided that enough was enough and, no matter how terrifying Vlastomil seemed at the moment, someone must stop him.

“Praetor, don’t you think there was enough hanged for this month?” Valerius asked after one of the trials where another person was, surprisingly proclaimed guilty.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Vlastomil simply stated, feeling his patience run thin.

“You know very well what I’m trying to say,” Valerius responded with bitterness, his patience slipping away from him, “Your witch would have made better verdicts for God’s sake!”

As soon as Vlastomil heard the mention of MC he couldn’t help but burst into tears. Valerius stared at him crying like a little child with no sympathy, realizing why Vlastomil was acting this way, “So, the two of you broke up.”

“WHAT? No!” Vlastomil said, mortified by just the thought of it. He returned to crying and said through tears, “MC is travelling.”

“Mhm,” Valerius nodded, not giving a damn about Vlastomil’s feelings, “And when will they return?”

“In five months.”

“Five months?” Valerius said, mortified. He can’t bear Vlastomil’s behaviour for five whole months. He’ll kill half of the Vesuvia by the time MC returns! “And where did they go?”

“They went to Prakra to finish some of their business,” Vlastomil still explained, not even thinking about stopping with the crying.

Valerius left Vlastomil in his misery, trying to think of what sort of important business a witch would have. They probably wanted a break from the Praetor and, for a moment, Valerius seemed to agree with that. But alas, he knew that he had to cut MC’s ‘vacation’ short, so he went to Prakra to look for them. As soon as he got to the Prakra’s docks, he tried to think where would witches be. Luckily, he didn’t need to think long as they saw MC walking nearby.

“Witch,” he simply called out to them, not even bothering to call them by the name.

MC recognized the voice immediately, “Consul,” they said, surprised, “What a coincidence!”

“No, it’s not,” he simply stated, “I’ve come to you because of the Praetor.”

“What happened?” they asked, worried.

“He’s getting insane!” he wanted to mention how he proclaims everyone guilty, but he decided not to. He doesn’t want MC and Vlastomil breaking up, who knows how much worse it could be then, “You have to return.”

“But-”

“Now!”

MC thought for a moment. Is Vlastomil in that terrible state? In the end, they decided that their love’swell being was much more important than their business. They quickly nodded, returning to the Vesuvia with the consul.

 Vlastomil was in his mansion, taking care of the newborn worms. Even though they were the most adorable little things (to a person with Vlastomil’s standards) Vlastomil didn’t feel any joy when he looked at them. He was even debating about rehoming those worms! He would have thought a bit more about it hadn’t MC opened the door and went inside the room.

“MC!” he said happily as he ran to them, nearly dropping worms off his lap, “Oh, you’ve returned! I’ve missed you so,” he kissed their left cheek, “So,” he kissed the other cheek, ”So,” finally, he kissed their forehead, “Very much!”

It was MC’s turn to shower Vlastomil in kisses. Once they were done, they said with a smile, “I’ve missed you too,” they took out of their bag a small box, “I wanted to buy you souvenirs, but didn’t have enough time to do so,” they started explaining as they opened the box, “But I knew that Squiggle was pregnant, so I bought these mini sweaters for the children!”

He stared at the small pieces of fabric, melting at the sight. He knew that his dear children would look dazzling in them. Once he was done kissing his love all over again, he picked the box and went on to put the clothes on the newborns, deciding that those babies will stay where they are.

 Vulgora

  "What do you mean by you don't need an axe?!?" they asked as they held their most prized possession, wanting to give it to MC as a parting gift.

"Exactly what you said," MC started as they raised their hands, refusing to take Vulgora's weapon, "Everything will be fine, besides, I'm not travelling alone," they gestured at another group of magicians who looked at least a bit experienced in battling off anyone dangerous.

"Fine," Vulgora huffed, feeling a bit frustrated, "But don't come crying to me if some bandits steal your stuff!"

"I won't," MC said as they gave Vulgora a small peck on the cheeks, "I promise."

"You'll be fine without me?" MC asked, knowing well how short-tempered Vulgora is when they're not around.

"Of course I will, now go on and don't die on me!" they exclaimed as they helped MC put their stuff in the carriage.

"Bye!" MC waved to them as they disappeared out of Vulgora's sight.

With a somewhat disappointed huff, Vulgora went back to their mansion, getting on with their usual business. It was only a few weeks later that everything went downhill. They were preparing for their usual hunt. Going to a forest with nothing but a sword as they rode their favourite horse they couldn’t help but think about MC.

They'll be away for quite some time, but that shouldn't bother them! They are a strong, mighty, independent demon. They can keep their shit somewhat cool until then, right? They nodded to themselves, being pretty confident with that reasoning. Their mind trailed off to those magicians, they seemed rather... annoying to say the least. No, they were dangerous! What could they possibly do to small MC! What if they, they didn't want to even think about it. And MC was so stubborn, they didn't even take Vulgora's weapons with themselves. Those pesky magicians could do just about anything to MC! Immediately at the thought, he started seeing red, wanting to beat the life out of those magicians. However, they weren't there, so they took their anger upon the poor animals living in the forest. But then, after they killed the second rabbit, they stopped. Didn't they talk about keeping their shit together? Why aren't they doing that? They should be doing that. They took a deep breath in and out, doing exactly as many as MC told them... fuck that! They're pissed and they're gonna show it. MC isn't here anyway, so who gives a fuck?

They kept on hunting and hunting and, once they've decided it was enough (at that point they killed around half a dozen of poor animals) they took the kill and went back home, demanding from servants to barbecue it for them.

The next weeks passed about the same, Vulgora would wake up, remember that MC left, groan in annoyance and went hunting. This time, they killed so many animals that they couldn’t carry them back to their estate. They thought and thought about what they should do with all of this, but then they felt the familiar presence of death. Valdemar most likely wanted to dissect the animals, but Vulgora didn’t give much of a damn. They can do whatever they want.

Over time, instead of calming down like they expected they would, Vulgora just became more and more aggressive. It happened both during and after the hunt. They showed violent behaviour to both animals and people. They started destroying shops, especially the ones with goods that are easy to break, they destroyed furniture in their estate, argued and got into the fights with just about anyone and so on. People were terrified, but nobody did anything about it. It was only when Vulgora destroyed the red market that a certain plague doctor decided to take action.

  “Wake up MC,” Valdemar said as they towered over MC’s bed.

MC screeched at the sight of Valdemar’s red eyes staring into their soul. Still a bit sleepy, they moved away from Valdemar until they didn’t bump into the wall.

“How did you get into my room?” MC asked as they looked for the candle, “Why did you come all the way here? What’s going on?”

“Vulgora turned into a maniac who started destroying anything and everything,” they started explaining nonchalantly, “At first, everything was fine. They just killed some animals in the forest, giving me more specimen to dissect. But then, they started destroying other people’s property. You see how that is a problem, no?”

MC rubbed their eyes, nodding.

“Great! Now return to Vesuvia and talk some sense into them,” after they’ve seen MC not responding to anything, they continued talking in a much darker tone, “It wasn’t a question.”

  Rowdy raven was another place that Vulgora was about to destroy. They could have destroyed this property like any other, had the barman not stood up to them. Vulgora stared at the man, their left eye visibly twitching. Who does this brat think he is?!?!

Just when they were about to cut open the man, they felt someone hug them from behind. Thinking it was a tactic to take them down, they quickly turned, ready to cut open whoever it was, but they stopped their blade as soon as they saw it was MC.

They stared at MC for a moment, not knowing what to say. Should they start with how much they’ve missed them, wished they would have gone with them to that trip? No, that’s something weaklings would say.

“It was about damn time you’ve returned,” despite the harsh words, MC could see that Vulgora was happy that they were finally beside them.

They gently kissed their cheek, nuzzling their head to Vulgora’s neck, “I’ve missed you too.”

  Valerius

 “Take care, my little witch,” Valerius said as he gently kissed MC’s forehead before they went inside the carriage, leaving for Karnassos.

“If I see some interdimensional monsters coming to Vesuvia, I’m blaming you,” Val said through a joke, even though he kinda meant what he said.

“But what if the monsters aren’t violent?” MC joked for a moment.

“I don’t care,” he said calmly, “I don’t want to see anything of the sort.”

“You’re no fun,” MC said just before the carriage went off, leaving Valerius alone.

He waved a bit and, once the carriage left, went to his mansion, enjoying the rest of the day with wine. When he went to bed, he pondered for a moment about what was wrong with it. Sheets were changed and everything seemed like it was in its place. Except for MC. He brushed the thought off. He’s not a toddler that needs to sleep beside someone, but then again, it would be nice if he could feel MC’s head on his chest as they are slowly breathing in and out.

The next morning came and Valerius didn’t sleep at all. He just couldn’t and that was pissing him off. The next night came and he hoped that, because he didn’t sleep even a bit last night, he could sleep now. And it went like that, making him rather happy. However, as soon as the third night came, he couldn’t sleep again, and so the cycle repeated. How is he supposed to go to the court meeting now? He is a mess!

But then yet again, all of his colleagues are a bunch of nobodies, so does it matter how he looks?

He just arrived at the meeting, feeling more irritated than usual. It just seemed like all of them did something just to piss him off. Valdemar’s posture was annoying, Vlastomil’s same talk about his worms made Valerius roll his eyes, Vulgora’s shouting was giving him a headache but, without a doubt, the worst of them all was Volta. She was munching on her food with an open mouth, not even thinking about stopping any time soon.

“Volta, could you please act like a civilized person for a moment?” Valerius asked with a frown, “It is rather impolite to act the way you do. Don’t you want to act a bit more like the rest of the civilized world?”

Volta was surprised and rather hurt by his words. She stopped eating for a moment, feeling shame when she had to swallow the food that was in her mouth. She stared for a moment at all of the empty plates in front of her.  Consul was right, she is terrible.

“I, I’m sorry,” she said as her eyes started to get glossy.

“Don’t just apologise,” Valerius said, rolling his eyes at Volta who was just about to burst into tears, “Do something about it!” he was running out of patience. Volta was acting like a little kid even though she could be Valerius’ grand grandma.

As the days passed by with Consul always visiting the palace, having the conversation with the rest of the courtiers about the measures that should be taken with the Flooded District. Every time Valerius was tired from spending the whole night without sleeping, he would take out his anger on poor Volta. His acts made her so confused. One day he’ll shout at her for accidentally dropping a parchment of paper, the other time he wouldn’t seem to care that she accidentally ate three golden plates. A whole month passed by and Volta decided that she had enough! She didn’t have the guts to confront Valerius herself, but she knew he had a soft spot for MC who was away at the moment.

She went to Karnassos, finding MC with ease. For a moment, she wanted to reasonably explain how Valerius was lashing out on her for no reason, but as soon as MC asked her what she was doing all the way here, she burst into tears, explaining in great detail how Valerius was treating her.

The two of them went back to Vesuvia, paying Consul a little visit. Volta decided to stay outside of his mansion, scared that Valerius might shout at her again.

MC went inside his bedroom, greeted by the sight of him finishing the second bottle of wine.

“Enjoying yourself, Consul?” MC asked as they leaned on the doors, enjoying the sight of Valerius in a loosened shirt with his hair let loose.

He nearly dropped his glass as he turned his head, seeing MC, “You, you’re back!” he walked up to them, hugging them as tight as he could.

“Say, Val,” MC said as they returned the hug, “What were you doing to Volta?”

It was that moment he knew, he fucked up.

 Valdemar

  Valdemar has been reading a centuries-old research paper, trying to correct their past self as their mind wandered, thinking about MC for a moment. It’s been 2 whole weeks that they haven’t heard a thing from them. For a moment they focused on finding MC’s soul, sensing that it was somewhere in the middle of the sea. That explains it. But still, couldn’t they at least try to send them a letter? Humans have progressed so much for the millennial of their existence that they were sure they have come up with some way MC could send them a letter. How rude of them, making them worry about their safety…

They would have been petty a bit longer had Vlastomil not went all the way to them.

“You haven’t gone out  of this place,” he gestured at the dungeon, “For weeks!”

“So? I don’t see a problem,” Valdemar simply stated, wanting to end this conversation as soon as possible.

“Nadia is pissed, you missed four of our meetings!”

“It’s not my first, nor my last time,” Valdemar said, trying to remember where they left their ink and quill.

“You should come outside for a bit to reassure Nadia that you’re alive.”

Valdemar thought about his words for a moment. There was some hypothesis in their old research that they needed to check once more.

“Very well then. I’ll grace all of you with my presence,” they said with a grin.

  Three people went missing that day.

  Valdemar found themselves in their dungeons once again, checking their hypothesis. They couldn’t enjoy it as much as they wished they could since the thought of MC plagued their mind. Did they leave just so that they could take a break off of them? Deep down, they knew that wasn’t true but just the thought of it enraged them.

Vlastomil came to the dungeons once again, which was disturbing Valdemar’s peace once again.

“Nadia wants to see you at the court meeting immediately,” he said as he remembered Countesses pissed off face.

“Oh, Countesses mailman is back,” they said bitterly, “Sharing Countesses demands which he cares so deeply about,” they turned to Vlastomil, ignoring his terrified expression as he saw blood on them, “Very well then, I’ll greet the Countess since she obviously doesn’t know what to do without me.”

And so they went along with Vlastomil, sitting right next to Volta as they completely ignored the stares of horror from their freshly bloodied clothes. They got even more irritated once they saw that there was no need for them to be here at all. Out of spite, they didn’t come to the next few meetings where their presence was necessary, so every time Vlastomil came down, they would be greeted by the sight of bloody Valdemar, having more malice in their eyes each time he visited them.

It was all because Valdemar got a bit irritated over time with MC. Sure, they finally received MC’s letter, but why did they have to make it so short? For the first time in a while, they genuinely cared about how MC spent their day, who they’ve seen, what food they ate, what they dreamed about two days ago. No matter how many letters MC could send them, it just never seemed to be enough.

They were frustrated by the thought, feeling like they might explode at any moment. As on cue, Vlastomil came downstair again.

“Valdemar-”

“Shut up,” Valdemar said, knowing they have no patience left, “Go back upstairs and don’t return or else I’ll put your baby Wiggler on this,” they slammed their hand on the dissection table, “Got it?”

Vlastomil ran upstairs, screaming like a little girl, deciding to find any way he could protect his beloved children. Through the gossips, Vlastomil finally concluded what was going on with Valdemar. With the help of his little children, he had no problem with finding MC’s whereabouts.

“MC,” he shouted as he tried his best to get to them, “MC you need to return to Vesuvia immediately!”

“Why?” they asked concerned, “Did something terrible happen?”

“Oh yes, it is terrible indeed!” Vlastomil said dramatically, “Valdemar has been spending days in their dungeons, cutting open whatever they could find!”

MC rolled their eyes, angry that Vlastomil made them worry over nothing, “Sounds to me like they were just acting like themselves.”

“You don’t understand! It’s far, far worse!”

“Right…” MC sighed, going away from Vlastomil but he grabbed their hand.

“They won’t be satisfied with dead bodies any longer! Think about my poor worms! Who knows what they could do to my poor children!” Vlastomil said, trying his best to explain to MC how the matter was serious.

“I don’t think about your worms. Ever,” MC sighed, hoping that Vlastomil would just shut up, “But I guess you won’t calm down unless I confront Valdemar…”

Valdemar heard someone go downstairs and, assuming that person was Vlastomil, they said, pissed, “Praetor, how many times do I have to tell you-” they stopped midsentence once they saw MC in front of them.

Even though MC couldn’t see it because of Valdemar’s surgical mask they were grinning from ear to ear. They’re finally back.

MC wanted to exult on Valdemar, to tell them how they were right. They can’t take care of themselves without MC, and they know it, but they decided not to say that. The last thing they need is for Valdemar to get petty. 

“Were you mean to others while I was away?” MC asked as they hugged Valdemar, tracing their spine with their fingertips, something they knew Valdemar loved.

“No,” they said as they ran their hands through MC’s hair, enjoying the scent of sea salt.

“Are you lying to me?” MC asked, looking at Valdemar straight in the eyes.

“Perhaps~,” they said with a mischievous grin.

[k-writer1998]

Rebel Hours (17/18)

Kwon Jieun always fit her parents’ image of the “perfect” daughter… at least to their knowledge. Away from prying eyes she was like any other girl living life to the fullest doing what she wants. When a little someone named Bang Chan comes into her life priorities are changed, mistakes are made, and her life finally becomes her own.

Fluff

w.c: 1.9k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes that was a very big mistake on our part and we have dealt with everything in regards to that. If you want you can file-”

“It’s fine mother. As long as the matter’s been dealt with and I don’t have to interact with him, that’s all I need.”

“You certainly will be staying away from him and we’ve made that very clear to his parents,” father spat.

“Thank you. I understand your reasoning behind your actions so I could never hate you guys. I wanted to apologize for my brazen behavior and hope you knew I would never tarnish your name. I know how much work is put into father’s campaign so I could never ruin it.”

“We know, we’ve seen the articles and felt dumb for ever doubting our daughter. Your mother and I should have had more faith in our parenting skills that we raised an upright daughter.”

“Do you forgive these overbearing parents?” Mother asked.

“Of course I do, you’re still my parents at the end of the day.”

“If it’s any consolation, I mean what I said about him. His intentions were clear so have a little faith, he’ll come around.”

      I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in a while at mother’s words. Although a bit awkward, the rest of dinner was actually enjoyable. A proper family dinner was long overdue. When I got home my being felt refreshed and for those fleeting hours my heart didn’t hurt as much, but the night was young. I was still antsy and I continually looked at my phone as if it was on silent when literally the ringer is on when usually it’s on vibrate. Ah it’s been a week hasn’t it? Not talking to him for this long is killing me but then again we aren’t the same. He was patient with me for longer… I know everyone keeps telling me to have faith in his feelings but maybe they’ve faded… Remember what Seunghee said, even if it's losing its effect as the days go by.

      Two days passed and still nothing. Instead I get my lovely friends guilt-tripping me into hanging out. I haven’t been the most attentive friend lately so I should at least amuse them a bit, the distraction that comes with it is welcomed anyways. We’re supposed to be meeting at the bridge above Cheonggyecheon stream but when I arrived, no one was there. I ended up five minutes late yet how am I the first one here? I texted the boys with a sigh as I leaned against the bridge railing. A few minutes passed but there were no answers and at ten minutes I rang Hyunjin. I was already upset but now I have to be irritated at my friend’s for standing me up too?

“Hwang Hyunjin if you dare to stand me up when I’m already upset, forget best friend status, this friendship ends today.”

      As the call continued to ring I impatiently tapped my foot and started to move around, anxiety pumping from my heart to my feet. I almost made it across the bridge before that brat picked up.

“You have some nerve. It’s been over fifteen minutes, where are you?!”

“Sorry there were some complications.”

“Complications? And none of you could’ve bothered to text and let me know? I-” 

      The words froze in my throat as my eyes landed on a particular blonde making his way to the bridge. One that I couldn't get out of my head and have been missing for a week to be exact. It seems words weren’t the only thing that froze because it seemed as though my feet stopped working too. For a moment I wanted to go to him but the last time we spoke he was on the fence about the relationship. If breaking up was what he wanted to do, I won’t hear it. I can’t lose him and right now I just can’t face him either so I turned and went back across the bridge, slowly trying to blend into the crowd.

“Hello? Jieun are you still there?”

“I’m not waiting anymore. I’m leaving. The next time I see you guys you’re dead, tell Seungmin he better not come home today. He’s first,” I spat dryly.

      Someone called my name but as I looked at my phone it definitely wasn’t Hyunjin, I had already hung up. Every fiber of my being wanted to stop at the sound of his voice, but I allowed my brain to override my heart. I broke into a brisk walk but this wouldn’t be enough if he really tried to chase after me. The moment my brain thought to make a run for it, the familiar electricity of his touch wrapped around my forearm and sent a shiver down my spine. I dared not turn around.

“Jieun…”

“Chan…”

“I’ve been meaning to text you.”

“It’s okay, I know you’ve had a lot on your mind.”

“Can we talk?”

“Uhm… I’m meeting with my friends soon.”

      The whole time I kept my back turned to him, a desperate attempt at holding it together while my mind ran a mile a minute. A battle of trying to convince myself that he isn’t trying to break up while also trying to pay attention to what he was actually saying.

“They don’t seem to be here yet so could you give me your time until then?”

“... okay.”

      Damn it, I hate how I can’t say no to him. He gently pulled me along to sit on the steps near the stream, not letting go as if I would run if he did and honestly maybe I would’ve. Silence passed between us and we couldn’t look at each other. There was an anxious tremble to his hand so gingerly I placed my free hand on his hand that was still wrapped around my arm.

“I’m sorry I took so long. I truly have been meaning to text you but I wasn’t sure how you were because we left things pretty badly the last time we spoke. I was a bit harsh…”

“I did say to take all the time that you need, plus I get how weird it is to reach out again after something like that… I did it once before too, remember?”

      I was surprised at how calm I sounded right now even though my heart was practically in my throat.

“Before I say anything, why were you so willing to give up your parents for our relationship?”

“Between you and them, I choose you. They’re my parents and they’d get over it eventually, I left a flash drive where I was honest with everything so the ball was in their court. You on the other hand… losing you means losing the spark I didn’t think I had and that’s the scariest thing to me,” I responded honestly, my eyes softening as my feelings swell in my chest.

“I’m going to be transparent with you,” he started. His hand moved from my wrist to holding my hand before he continued, “I didn’t want to be selfish knowing that you may lose some of the most important people in your life. That shouldn’t be a choice you have to make…”

“But?” I urged before the suspense of the pause wreaked havoc on my anxiety.

“I still stand by my morals and find it wrong for me to stay with you-”

      I shot up from my seat and the words started spewing from my lips. I will fight for my happiness even if apparently I have to fight the boy myself.

“No, I won’t let you break up with me so easily. You promised to have my back so you can’t leave me, you said I was worth the danger.”

“And you are, you’re just jumping to conclusions and can’t read the atmosphere apparently. Now let me finish,” he chuckled.

      I sat back down again as I realized that his hand was still wrapped around mine and he hadn't let go, not even for a moment. He agreed with my words so this is good right?

“I tried to stay away and prove to myself this was the right decision before contacting you but my heart didn’t let me. God there were so many times I’ve subconsciously ended up in the places we’ve been together because you’re the only thing on my mind. The night market, the arcade, the park. You can say it was that invisible force you talked about. We’ll figure out how to coax your parents together but you’re too precious to me, I guess that happens when you’re in love.”

      Everything didn’t register at once. First the tension left my shoulders as I realized that he had been missing me as much as I missed him. Second, we weren’t breaking up and at that realization I threw my arms over him in glee. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck, a place I never thought would feel so much like home, before the final thing hit me.

“Love?”

      I asked as I pulled back and scanned his face in shock. The more my eyes traveled his face the more his ears turned red as he let out a soft chuckle.

“Yes, love. You don’t have to say it back but I just know in myself that I love you.”

“I don’t, but I will because I love you too.”

      The rush of dopamine I felt was like none other and in that moment we crashed our lips together. When we pulled away all the emotions and anxieties washed over me. I couldn’t help but laugh at my state because I couldn’t stop smiling even as tears streamed from my eyes.

“Hey hey we just fixed things, why are you crying?” Chan chuckled, wiping my tears.

"I just- these are happy tears I swear,” I laugh before remembering, "and we won't have to worry about my parents, they came around! They met you to find out if you're good for me and-"

      Chan let out a relieved sigh as he pulled me into his arms. I couldn't help but laugh at how much of a mess I probably looked right now. Once we pulled away his phone buzzed and it was like he just realized something as he answered, giving me an apologetic smile.

"Hey… mhmm… actually I think I'm gonna have to rain check on you guys. I'll tell you guys later. Yeah sorry see ya bro."

"Who was that? Why did you cancel your plans? Remember I had plans too."

"It was just Felix, they were trying to get me to go out again but I’ve seen enough of them. Plus you said "had" so I assume they're no longer in the picture," he said, giving me a goofy grin.

"Well I was supposed to meet the boys to stop my moping too but they were late. Then I panicked when I saw you so I cancelled," I sheepishly responded.

      Wait a minute. Both our friends planned to meet us to get us out of moping at the same place at the same time? This feels a little suspicious.

"Cancelled is cancelled. Is it wrong that I wanna spend time with my girl whom I've missed?"

"Ugh you're such a sweet talker. You know even without the pet names I can't say no to you?"

"The pet names make it fun though," he winks and I roll my eyes with a laugh.

      Chan gets up and pulls me to my feet as we start walking off, talking about things we could do. When we got close to the stairs leading back to the bridge, I heard excited shouting behind us. My instincts told me to turn and why was I not surprised?

[livayl]

dusty libraries are a wonderful thing

A very friendly hello to the Marya & Amaziah Anon and of course to everyone else too. :) This is a light, not very plot heavy allergy story. For me it´s kinda self indulgent because: The whole thing is basically a big sneezing fit (stifled and not) wrapped in a longer allergic prelude and accompanied by a more than slightly intrigued Marya. Hope you still like it and please only reblog to other sneeze-kink blogs, thank you. :)

Warnings: Some uncovered sneezing that does not hit a person but some books. No actual mess but lightly described spray. The little "bonus" dialogue at the end was more for my own weird self (my sense of humor sucks) but I kept it in anyways. * the gasped out part means something like “oh please not again”. 

Normally the old and eerily quiet library wasn't a place Marya would choose to reside in for too long. It was a vast room with a high, dome like ceiling and up reaching walls that were buried by almost infinitely towering up shelves heavily burdened with ancient knowledge, weighted down by time.

Although every surface was meticulously cleaned, amber colored maple wood glossy and smooth, the air seemed to be infused with it as well: It had a really dry, chalky quality to it that was palpable in taste and sight: Even the smallest incidence of light illuminated finest dust particles in their infinite dance from one remote corner to the other. Sky blue eyes followed as they were floating teasingly between the maze like aisles shadowed by bookshelves.

In all it´s muted width filled with way too much in depth wisdom, the library seemed to be the perfect home for its dusty, antique occupants. The reserved, echoing silence was something that made the young Alchemist feel misplaced like an item stored in the wrong shop. Thus, she did her best to avoid the extensive premises as much as possible. But today Maryas uncomfortable stay seemed to be rewarded as it appeared that the spacious room had its own inconvenient effects on her companion despite all the carefully taken measures to avoid them. 

With progressing time it became clear that Amaziah, usually fitting in perfectly with all her withdrawn wisdom and ancient power, seemed increasingly bothered by the dusted atmosphere. What had started as a fleeting discomfort and a swift scratch here and there had soon grown to a sensible irritation. Over time the Archmages senses had become increasingly itchy, her sinuses so vexed that her already narrow nose had swollen shut. It was hard not to pay attention to those softly parted, pallid lips. Not to listen to each wavering catch of breath. 

Marya watched as her Lovers thick, raven lashes started to flutter and blur her sight that had lost its focus. Sharp, black laced knuckles came up to itch an already blushed nose that crinkled in distaste. A sudden inhale demanded a stalling press of fingers against a quivering septum followed by a shaky, relieved exhale. The elegantly structured, cloth veiled hand then rose even higher to rub another prickle out of teary, glassy eyes before it was lowered and placed mannerly again. That highly unusual display of softness was pure indulgence mixed with a present intimacy reserved and displayed solemnly to Maryas  presence. It warmed her heart while making other things inside her flutter eagerly. Never-ending moments of quiet, concentrated reading later the intrusive particles started to take their toll on that handsome, refined nose again. Tear shaped nostrils widened and prolonged themselves even further, exposing the already shiny septum a little more with each irritated flare.

Marya shamelessly watched as Amaziahs contoured brows knit together almost angrily and her eyelids closed with all black feathery hairs resting on pallid skin. Then she swiftly brought her gloved hand up to pinch her trembling nose shut between thumb and index finger as the long overdue sneeze finally overtook her and turned an otherwise delicate mouth into a sharp snarl. Preluded by the most restrained inhale it was barely detectable in sound but seized and shook her whole frame forward. The mages knees almost bumped at the tables underside as her upper body crumpled over the lectures. Right after the first one came a sudden gasp that mingled with the still lingering achy aftermath. Nostrils stubbornly opened even further against silky fingertips as Amaziahs still sealed lips turned downwards on the edges. The Archmage shook her head in frustration, her breaths already deepening, shimmering obsidian strands of hair that had been loosened by the previous outburst followed the motion. Regrettably the pleasant view became obscured as Amaziah turned sideways to forcefully stifle against the crook of a shaking arm. "hhheh-kdnxxt-ugh" Not loud enough to produce a far reaching echo the failed restraint was still clearly audible, sounding strained this time as well as followed by a wet, productive sniff. "Gesundheit my dear..." Marya whispered while gently rubbing Amaziahs back.

"Pardon me... Would  you- snfff- uh- mind if I blow my nose?" "Of course not, silly." Marya snickered and planted a kiss on a cool cheek. " Also, there´s no need to withhold yourself." She added. Her hand was still resting on her Loves body as she felt her take a deep breath to softly blow into an ironed handkerchief- genteelly silent and one side after the other. The action had been very polite, probably too much so because it did little to clear her sinuses of the persistent itch.

Amaziah could feel it travelling deeper, growing more urgent again and frowned in dismay. Her handkerchief clad fingers were already on their way towards pinching that misbehaving appendage again as a gentle grip around her wrist stopped it. "Hey! No hurting yourself again." Marya said sternly. "Y-youhh just want to listen and wa-haah- HA-DZSCH!" Amaziah tried but was interrupted by the too fast peaking sensation that resulted in an uncovered, barely stifled and spraying sneeze. "Aw... Gesundheit." Marya giggled in response, still captivating the mages hands. "Yes I like watching that. But I don´t like it when it´s painful for you." "And Ihhh- I don´t like or neheh-need everyone hearing me." Amaziah responded, face all scrunched up against the mounting sensation. "But I love hearing you very much." The younger elf whispered and pecked a playful, feather soft kiss atop her Loves twitching nosetip. 

This small little provocation seemed to be enough to push the Archmage over the edge, deep into a much needed fit. Marya watched fascinated as Amaziah angled her upper body slightly to her unoccupied side, titled back her head and sucked in a deep breath- so urgent she could feel the tension bleeding through the enfolded hands. "AH-ERSSSCH-uh! HAH-ERRSCHHHiuh!" The double had been loud, creating an expressive echo, the second sneeze more unrestrained and wet than the first. The released translucent mist accompanied the fine clouds of dust languidly floating around in rays of sunshine. "Gesundheit! Oh- again?" "I´m sorry" came the gasped reply in an unusual quavery, high pitched tone that got almost drowned in the already starting build up. "HahEERSCHH-ue! Heh- HAH-AESSCHHh-uh! oh-*iyn var alnaiy - Huh-EEERSCHh-ah! -EHSCHUE!- EISSSCH!- ERSSCHh-iuh!" This time, the sneezes had started harsh, slightly drawn out and violent only to shorten to increasingly urgent outbursts that messily tumbled above each other towards the end. Marya had given up on holding hands and instead gently hugged and comforted the distracted mage.

"Aw poor darling... Many, many blessings to you, my sweet. Now you have me a little worried." She cooed while caressing Amaziahs side and tucking back hair that had now floated out of a loose bun completely. "Excudse mde..." Came a stuffy and hoarse whisper. "Shhh, it´s all good... But I think your medication is wearing off... How about I get you outside a little?" "I´m ndot dodne here..." "Oh yes you are for now... I can barely understand you. Come, get up. I´ll take the scribbles for you." 

Amaziah blinked away allergic tears, her gaze wandering from the badly affected scrolls to Maryas warm and loving expression. "I´m snnrff really dreading to explain how and why I ruined those..." She mumbled embarrassed. "Pfft!" Marya could not help but laugh loudly. "Surely Cailean will be very understanding."

-----------

Unfortunately for Amaziah her normally timid and forbearing scholar and librarian did seem more shocked by that unusual incident than sympathetic. Cailean had already been drawn closer to the Archmages study by the unmistakable sounds resounding through his workplace often equated with a personal sanctuary. Turning around one of the narrow aisles he nearly stumbled into the two women. About to address his concerns Cailean had started to question Amaziahs well-being as his gaze located the sloppily rolled, stained ancient scrolls in Maryas arms. The sight made his green eyes widen incredulously behind delicate, gold framed glasses.

C: "What in- pardon my tone... Your grace, may you tell me what happened to those? They are all smudged, blurred and... Filthily wet?" M: *suppressed chuckling* A: "That... Was an unfortunate accident." M: "pffft *laughs*"

C: "Pardon me again but how? You always handle all books and  exhibits with so much care. And never bring something to drink or eat with you." A: "Of course not, that would be neheh-negligent. Is the damage repairable or have I done a permanent ha-harm to the scrolls?" C: "I´m positive that I´ll be able to fix most of it easily but- " A: "Hah-kngxt-uh!- huh- apologies." 

C: "Anvael ci na´eve, your grace. Are you- hold on. Did you sneeze on them?" A: "...No?" 

M: "Maybe a little? But like, several times?" C: "..."         C: "Well, I did overhear something a few minutes ago..." A. "..." C: "How inappropriate!-... Of me... To forget... Providing enough handkerchiefs next to your desk..." M: "Yes you really should be ashamed of yourself, Cailean." A: "..." <- is really ashamed of herself. C: "I really should..."

[cygnuswheel]

after running away, a young boy stops, stone still. argus is so dreadfully cold. let’s see what he can do to fix that...

“ i like this one. “ oscar says, holding up the jacket to the mirror with a little smile. the colors are a bit new for him, especially with them being in such bold ratios, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing in his book. “ what do you think? “

there’s no answer.

the boy expects as much, considering the silent treatment that he’s gotten the past few days, but that doesn’t make the way his heart falls any softer. always too loud when no one expects it, always too quiet when everyone expects him. the walk around argus had been so quiet without the constant thrum in the back of his head, small pushes of approval, disapproval, or pure amusement being left to only the static ring of his ears and mind. blinking, he folds the outerwear gently before placing it into his basket for later.

ozpin hasn’t talked to him in days. a few months back, oscar would have found that to be a blessing, a chance for him to finally think for himself and settle on the idea that destiny never looked good on him. that there was no responsibility to be had, only himself, only the farm, only the routine that he had grown used to living with, as much as he wanted to complain about it at times. it would all be numb again, and he could go on living without thinking too hard on what things could have been. he was just a farmhand, a boy. he was normal. 

but it’s too late for that by now, and he knows that. the passing sight of a dark haired man bedridden flies through his mind, the memory still as fresh as newly fallen snow. the child is reminded that his mental company was also just a boy once, one who strived to do what was right from the very beginning. one that was forced to learn that one day, in order to do what was right, he would have to do wrong. the very notion broke this fairytale boy’s heart into pieces until he had to bury it within himself and hide how much he cared about his own actions. living on had been an apology at some point: i’m so sorry that i wasn’t able to stop everything in time, before it was too late.

“ these belts are good. i wouldn’t have to worry about my outfit flying everywhere if it was held down. “ again, he muses aloud, the accessory sitting innocently on his hands. gods, he never had to think about fashion before, aside from how easy it was to move in them for his work. this was the same line of thought, but a bit more... refined. oscar almost laughs. his aunt would be so happy to know that he finally cared a bit about how he looked. he catches the warped reflection of one of his eyes in the belt buckle. with it comes a sigh. 

it’s not just for him, no.

the greens, the reds, the blacks and golds-- it’s a strange amalgamation for him, but he has to realize that these choices aren’t just on his own behalf, as quiet as the world is right now. “ this place really has some fancy stuff. “ some of the price tags had already made him sweat. how could anyone afford this? the amount of lien wasn’t something that he could bring himself to fathom. but still, good gear could only aid combat. ( he would have been lying if he said that he wasn’t cold out of his mind, too. ) it would take some time for him to get used to it, but hey, oscar’s life seemed to be filled with new things lately. this is just another thing to get used to. “ and i’m going to keep talking to you whether you do or don’t reply, you know. “

there’s the smallest shift in his core. a ripple of some emotion... embarrassment? were he not paying attention, the boy wouldn’t have been able to pick up on it at all. talk about tuning into your inner self. the store keeps humming along despite the boy talking to himself, mostly because the overhead music would drown out whatever whispering he’s doing to anyone but himself. anyone but himself and whoever else is stuck in his head with him, that is. finally, something that stopped the static ring. but oz still doesn’t say a word. oscar rolls his eyes and slips some gloves into the basket. 

this is going to cost his entire life savings at this rate. he hadn’t wanted to tap into them when travelling to mistral, but that was because he was still somewhat in denial at that point. the trip wouldn’t be that long, he told himself as he settled into the train seat and stared out the window. he would have been back before he knew it, and life would have gone back to normal. a glance at his surroundings. yeah, that really panned out exactly how he expected it to, huh. but even back then, he knew that this would be something different, something more magnificent than his naive imagination could have ever conceptualized back then.

( a clash, a scream, a silent apology. he remembers the girl’s first cries so clearly that he still hears it when he closes his eyes. ‘ i don’t have one. ‘ the defeated king says with his head held low, and all oscar can feel is how cold his hands are as the world around them falls apart. ) 

reality was always going to be confusing. it would always come to hurt him more than he expected and rip him away from any fantasies that he had previously. the fairy tales themselves are tainted, and so is his view of everything that he’s ever grown to believe. what a horrid fate for a boy of fourteen years. and what an awful reality that a man of many millennia had come to accept as his new normal after countless failed attempts at trying to forget why he had come back to the land of the living in the first place.

even without the other speaking, oscar knows that ozpin is not one that appreciates pity. the very gesture of it is lower and more pathetic than anything that he could accept, and, in a way, the boy can understand that. to have someone feel bad for you, you, when all they should have been doing was worrying about themselves... it’s not something unfamiliar. maybe that was to be expected, being the wallflower that he had grown up as. for someone to acknowledge all of the wrongs of your life means that you would need to regard yourself as a person worthy of being regarded as human. and ozpin had thrown away that right so long ago when he finally came to accept his mission. so why, oh why, the headmaster asks silently with a certain feeling of wryness that the boy feels in his blood, was oscar pine, his current cursed vessel, feeling bad for him?

“ i’d tell you to shut up, but you’re being smart with me. “ a scoff. he feels the impression of his headmate raising a brow. “ if you weren’t so busy moping, you’d already know. “ fitting room, fitting room... ah. there. “ i thought you were better at the whole mind reading thing compared to me. whenever i try for you i just get a montage of you drinking hot cocoa and looking at your scroll. “ that i can’t read for some reason, he almost adds, but opts against it in favor of sneaking into one of the last available rooms. he’s losing oz’s presence, it feels like a dying wick on its last legs. the man is tired, but so is oscar. and the kid will be damned if the other leaves before saying what he needs to say. “ ... you’ve made a lot of mistakes. “

“ actually, you’re pretty awful. “ oscar mumbles to himself as he takes off his shirt, slipping on the new one. it feels way too new, he’s only worn hand me downs for the last five years or so. but it’s comfortable, in its own way. he’ll get used to it. the stained and worn shirt that he had grown to love is folded neatly and left on the bench. “ i think if we were face to face, the first thing i’d do is kick you where it hurts. “ 

“ but i’m not mad, and it’s not because of your ‘ i can stay calm during anything and everything ‘ attitude. “ the finality of the tone startles even himself, and no doubt shocks his company. “ life sucks, the gods suck, and immortality sucks, no matter what form it comes in. that’s what jinn taught us, remember? “ no response. typical. oscar’s eyebrows narrow, and he readjusts one of his belts. a pause. he takes a breath.

“ jaune’s nephew is really cute. “

surprise. confusion. curiosity. this wasn’t what either of them expected to bring up, apparently. “ i was looking at him the whole time we were at the cotta-arc house. he has a good family. “ clothing himself is so exhausting. oscar lets his arms drop to his sides for a  moment. ( he won’t acknowledge that trying to start up a conversation for the past two hours or so was starting to wear at his stamina. ) “ it reminded me of that one family you had. when you started to try again. “ their smiles are so bright and loving. the wife’s expression is filled with such warmth. 

“ maybe the world is big. maybe it’s hard to protect. “ he continues on, pressing, pushing, trying. “ maybe trying can feel pointless after some time, and maybe people can be difficult and hard to help after all of your effort. “ oz’s eyes are wandering, trying to avoid the conversation. but oscar won’t let him. he holds the other’s shame in his hands and grips it firmly. “ but having a future is important. being able to appreciate the small things is important. “

“ i want to make sure that people still have a future, even if the world is against them. “ the boy is patting himself down now, brushing off any dust specks that he can catch in his sight. “ and i don’t want it to be based on lies this time. “ yang’s eyes still burn so brightly in his memory. he remembers the shock on weiss’ face, the absolute hopelessness on blake’s. ruby had never looked so hurt before. and qrow... the headmaster scowls. he never wanted them to hurt that badly. he didn’t want to destroy everything that they had been working for. he would have been content holding everything on his own shoulders until the end of time, because he had felt how many lifetimes the truth had ruined. a single one would never be enough time to despair. 

“ they’re stronger than you think. “ he retorts, putting a hand to his own chest. he remembers how scared he used to be, how terrified he was at the thought of everything going wrong. “ they want the next generation to grow up happy, like you do. don’t forget how much you care. you just... “ oscar trails off. the entity is quiet, waiting. for once, he wants to listen. “ you just don’t have to care alone anymore. “ 

hm.

he’s done. turning around, oscar finally looks at himself in the mirror. gods, he looks like a completely different person. months ago, he would have never been able to imagine himself in this position, looking this fancy. he can feel in the back of his head that someone else is looking on too, admiring the thread-work, and while his approval is silent as can be, it speaks volumes. they’ve both changed so much over the months. “ well. ready to fake it till i make it. “

the other still doesn’t know how to respond to all of this. to oscar’s newlyfound sense of maturity, to the kindness and acceptance that he had offered to his own plague. it’s a warmth that he had never thought to offer himself in centuries, wretched imitation of humanity that he was. for once he felt... accepted. normal. even though nothing about this situation was normal. if the one person he had wronged the most in this scenario was willing to believe in his goals, then were his constant efforts to face in the inevitable not for naught? maybe.

maybe things would end up okay, if he was working with someone like oscar.

“ now. “

“ i took all this time trying to find something that we’d both like. “ ozpin doesn’t like the smirk that’s starting to grow on the boy’s lips. “ so give me your bank account info or i’ll walk out of this room naked. “

a snort, and then a laugh. but it’s not his own, no. ugh, finally. the boy lets the smile grow more freely across his face as his eyes narrow in pride and satisfaction. as he takes out his scroll, he can hear the slightest whisper in his mind that guides his fingertips...

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #4

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

I’m Coffee.

Hi, this is Tea. So what fresh hell have we placed ourselves into today Coffee?

Instead of Titans, we have ninjas, but there doesn’t seem to by an OC this time. So that’s a start.

We have entered a world of perpetual retardation. I’m the local alcoholic asshole, Jagerbomb  ʕಠᴥಠʔ

This lovely little story is called When wind meets earth: A Naruto & Kurotsuchi story.

I’ll kick this off shitfest! Also: Prepare the rum!

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this too personally.

Chapter 1: Moving to Konoha

Ooooooooh no.

This looks promising.

And I thought Struggle for Trost: The two monsters was a bad chapter title. This one’s just lazy.

Hey guys, it's Rice Man here with another Naruto fic to accompany the two I already have. This time it's a Naruto and Kurotsuchi pairing. I've grown quite fond of this pairing ever since I read a really good fic called 'Love your enemy' from a really talented author. Now my fic is not copying them in anyway

That doesn’t sound suspicious…

Nope, not at all.

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง I’ll fight the Author.

since it will feature an original plot and start off when the two of them are young then go on to Shippuden and will not be a Romeo & Juliet type of story. So sit back and enjoy this story!

Aw man, I was hoping for a tragedy. It would make this a thousand times more interesting.

Don’t tell me to relax. You’re only making me more nervous.

I’LL RELAX WHEN I GET MY VODKA! YOU RELAX!ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻

Lastly, the cover image for this fic is the property of DeviantArt user indy-riquez.

+1 for giving credit where credit is due.

I get the feeling this  story is based around an obscure pairing that is either not very popular or you’re the only one who thinks they should be together.

I get the feeling of “I don’t like Hinata or Sakura so I’mma make a near impossible pairing” here.

Episode one: Moving to Konoha

Oh god… We have episodes instead of chapters.

Wait. Didn’t you already mention the chapter?

This is lazy writing on so many levels.

-Iwagakure no Sato, Tsuchikage's office- It is around 7 in the evening in the office of the most powerful ninja in Iwagakure.

So this office has it’s own timezone? Cool!

Don’t you know? The offices of the most powerful ninja have their own timezones.

Iwa’s the place with rocks right? I wanna make rock puns.

Don’t, there will be plenty of puns to make later.

We see a short old man sitting behind a desk with a man beside him about early thirties holding a packet in hand.

I don’t see anybody.

Excellent descriptions.

The name of this man is Kitsuchi, one of the most respected Jonin within the village and the old man was Onoki, the third Tsuchikage. They are seen talking to a young girl who appears to be around 10 years of age. This girl was Kurotsuchi, the granddaughter of Onoki and Kitsuchi's daughter. 

Truth be told, I never got very far in Naruto. None of these names mean anything to me. I don’t care if you are writing a fanfiction. At least give me a better idea of who these people are. As an author, that is your job.

I didn’t get very far in Shippuden, but I did read a good majority of the manga so I kinda know what’s going on from what I can remember. 

Jagerbomb is not pleased. ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻ I haven’t seen Naruto in a long time.

''Gramps you can't be serious!? Why are you sending me to Konoha?!'' The girl asked in anger

Trust me hon, we’re not exactly thrilled either.

Asked in anger. Asked in anger. AskED IN ANGER. REALLY?

We have another Katherine, so great at emotion.

Guys, I just realized that the guy doesn’t use quotation marks. Those are two apostrophes right next to each other...

''Kurotsuchi, it's for your own good dear, I'm not going to let the grudges our village and Konoha have go on any longer. It's unhealthy for us and sending you there would actually benefit the already strained relationship we have with them. So (COMMA) you can either accept to be part of the Shinobi Exchange Between Villages or you can kiss your dream of being a kunoichi good-bye. And just so you know, some of our civilians who needed work that have went as part of this on the employment side have sent back letters showing that they are enjoying life in Konoha.'' 

That’s a big wall of dialogue. So tell me, are they just sitting there, unmoving save for some mouth flaps?

I’m sorry, WHAT? In the manga or anywhere, it does not mention any ninja exchange program or Shinobi moving into the village,  much less citizens.  

I thought Iwa and Konoha HATED each other. O,,,,o Zoidberg is confused.

The young girl just groaned in pure frustration,

Ah, yes. Much emotion. Very good.

A+ writing skills.

Is this how you emote?  ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

''Those villagers must be out of their minds, fuck Konoha and their shinobi exchange crap! I can't forgive them for killing mom! You know you still hate them for that dad don't deny it!''

We got a ten-year-old saying ‘fuck’! Call the police! 

Also: Protagonist’s mother was killed by future home that she learns to love.

“Hey kid! Guess what? We’re sending you to that one village you hate so much! Never mind the fact that they were responsible for the death of your mother!”

Yep, because who needs consistency?

Kitsuchi just sighed at his daughter, ''Yes, I can't deny that Kurotsuchi, but you must remember that sending you there will greatly benefit us and our strained relationship with Konoha. What if another war breaks out again? We've barely recovered from the last one. Look at Konoha also, those guys have recovered very well in a short amount of time and don't worry daughter, the Yellow Flash sacrificed himself to protect the village from the Kyuubi attack 10 years ago so you don't have to live in the same village with him at least right?''

ARE THEY JUST A BUNCH OF FLOATING HEADS OR SOMETHING?

“I AM ZORDON! YOU ARE THE POWER RANGERS!”

''Tch, well you do have a point dad but still! I don't want to live in a village full of idiots and trash!'' Kurotsuchi pouted looking the other way

“Okay Dad...I’ll go to the stupid village of stupid people just because their stupid leader is dead!”

“You must go for political motives that really don’t make any sense. THOU MUST!” 

Seriously? You’re calling them idiots and trash? Right now you’re making an idiot out of yourself. 

Especially if this is the village with the ‘GOD OF SHINOBI/PROFESSOR’ leading it.

But seriously, I get where the author is going. It was commonplace in feudal era Japan for lords to send their kids to live under and serve another lord as a sign of trust. HOWEVER, the relations between the villages were not established other than they hate each others’ guts. Nowhere does it mention the benefits of the two villages allying. It mentions benefits, but leaves it at that. No further explanations. No specific reason, which might as well be no reason. They are literally asking their kids to enter enemy territory for no reason. Now, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t frivolously send my kids to a place I couldn’t trust. I completely agree with our whiny main character! This is ridiculous!

Onoki was about to lose his cool but decided not to vent it out on his beloved granddaughter (COMMA) but she could be such a pain in his ass sometimes. ''Kurotsuchi, you're living in Konoha as part of this exchange and in your place the Third Hokage's grandson will be living here.-

“I’m pretty sure that’s how it works anyway. It’s not like we established any trust and I don’t think the Hokage is going to be pleased sending his grandson here. Wait a minute, why am I referring to him as the Hokage? He’s not our leader, is he?”

He wouldn’t send his grandson, he is only a little kid if this is starting when I think it is.

Also: I’m pretty sure Konohamaru isn’t born yet considering he’s a lot younger than Naruto (Who's in his 40’s at the end of the the manga and anime, right?)

No, Konohamaru is born, he’s like 8 or something, this is taking place in the beginning of the series.

Either way, he’d be too young for this kind of travel to be sent to a village that HATES his.

- That is why this is beneficial to fixing our strained relationship. So you're leaving first thing in the morning young lady and that's final!''

Instead of being a good grandfather, he decides to force his grandchild to go to a completely different village.

“Go, dammit! I don’t want you hanging around here anyway! We may or may not trust Konoha village! So what if this endangers you!”

Basically sums his words up.

The 10-year(HYPHEN)old girl almost lost it when she heard that.

Almost lost what?

I lost my case of ale last week if that counts.

Almost lost her obviously prejudiced and non existent brain? Did it melt out of her ears?

She had a brain?

''No no no! I'm staying here and becoming a kunoichi of Iwa! Not Konoha!''

 “I swear you’re just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house and go on some ridiculous adventure with my sworn enemy!”

“For the plot, child, to please the Author.” I’m not please so ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

This is a very ill conceived plot to try and make you seem cool.

''Gah! You little whipper snapper! You're going to do this exchange whether you like it or not!'' Onoki shouted as his head comically increases in size scaring the young girl

“SURPRISE YOU LITTLE SHIT! DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU!”

Only Iruka can do that dammit! THAT’S LIKE HIS MOST ICONIC “JUTSU”!

Really? Just because it’s an anime thing doesn’t mean you've got to use it, not to mention this is kinda badly written.

It just looks dumb in writing.

The force of his screams shook the whole room and was loud enough to scare Kurotsuchi causing her to fall on her butt shaking in fear. ''F-fine! I'll do it, but I won't like it!"

We should have a cliche count at the end our reviews to be honest. Protagonist agrees to doing some she doesn’t like: +1 cliche point.

You don't have to like it dear, just deal with it. Who knows? You may like it later on.'' Onoki said with a smile, ''Kitsuchi, please hand her papers please.''

“If you couldn’t tell, I’m the wise old character who implies the future and foreshadows the most obvious events to come!”

I don’t like that they tried to put a political agenda into this. It just seems half-assed and said political plot device just seems like something that is obviously a means to replace the main cannon with a side character and will never get mentioned ever again.

What makes you think she’ll like it after she oh so expressively pointed out her distaste for leaving.

Complying (COMMA) Kitsuchi walks over to Kurotsuchi and hands her a folder containing her files that she was going to submit to Iwa's ninja academy. ''You and Chihiro give this to the Hokage when you get there. He'll know right away.''

Author’s thoughts on actual plot.

Grabbing her enrollment papers Kurotsuchi proceeded to look at it. Her name was written in the middle of the folder and contained her papers for her to enroll at Konoha's ninja academy. Looking at Onoki she asked, ''So am I going as an Iwa or Konoha academy student?”

Wait, hold up. You’re trusting the ten-year-old with the IMPORTANT paperwork?

Well seeing as you’re the granddaughter of the fucking leader of your village, I’m surprised he didn’t train you. What’s stopping her from tearing those up?

''Anyway you see fit dear. You could be an Iwa kunoichi living in Konoha and registered in their system but most likely you'll be wearing their headband.''

“Because reasons.”

Awful reasons.

''Ugh, just what I need, living there is punishment enough but wearing their headband is just gross.'' Kurotsuchi groaned

“I mean, it’s the same headband, but I can’t stand it because it’s ~Konoha~”

“Fucking tree huggers man.”

My, somebody just loves to bitch don’t they?

''At least you're a kunoichi regardless.'' Kitsuchi spoke up, ''When you graduate we will send you the Iwa shinobi outfit if you want or you can wear theirs.''

“At that point in the story, you’ll probably prefer Konoha anyway in some major character changing fashion.”

At this point you and Naruto have probably pulled and AngelXEmily.

Kurotsuchi just sighed in defeat.

SIIIIIIIISODEFEATEDIIIIIIIIIGH

SIIIIIIIEMOTIONSAREHARDIIIIIIIIGH

Suck it up buttercup.

''So when do I go there again?'' She asked

“Right now! In fact, I’m going to throw you out the window as a shortcut!”

Again as in you’ve been there before or asking for the time you leave?

''You leave tomorrow morning dear, you will be brought there by my assistant Chihiro. After you've met with the Hokage you're on your own pretty much.'' Onoki explained

“Bye, loser.”

Chichiro sounds like the best person.

Assistant Chihiro is best character.

Into the lion’s den we go. 

''Yes, you should go get rest Kurotsuchi because you leave first thing in the morning.'' Kitsuchi added

They are really pushing her to leave.

Didn’t they say she was leaving in the morning not even two sentences ago?

Nodding with a sigh Kurotsuchi left to get some rest. ''Kurotsuchi wait.'' Onoki said getting the girl's attention ''What is it now gramps?'' ''Who knows? You might also meet a guy you'll like there.'' The Tsuchikage teased with a perverted grin

“Ohohoho! I like to think of my granddaughter meeting a nice boy but then have a perverted thought!”

“OHOHOHOHO-TOTALLYNOTFORESHADOWINGORANYTHING-OHOHOHOHO!”

Kurotsuchi blushed and quickly left the room much to the amusement of the two older men. Now alone in the room the two men began talking.

“Dammit grandpa, I can find a boyfriend by myself!”

“Oh no, my grandfather just basically told me to find a boy to fuck!”

''So you think this will really benefit us?-

“Fuck no!”

HAHHAHAHAH I SMELL A SUB-PLOT!

-I mean we do have the Hokage's grandson coming here as part of the exchange.'' Kitsuchi asked the elderly man

“What do we do with the grandson of our enemy?”

“KILL HIM”

Also, I get this is your father, but if you’re still in the office, talking about important village stuff, where the hell are the formalities? 

''I'm sure, it's Hiruzen now so it should make the whole process of this exchange a whole lot easier and without me probably trying to attack the Yellow Flash in the face for what he did to us in the third war. And when you think about it Kumo, Suna and Kiri have been friendly with Konoha ever since they sent some of their shinobi there for the program.''

Hey! Quit dropping the exposition all over the place! Someone has to clean that up, and it’s not going to be me!

Yea, us. ʕʘᴥʘ✿ʔ

''If you say so Lord Tsuchikage. That traitorous bastard Deidara bombing us several weeks ago puts us in an even worse position.''

NAME DROP!

MORE SUB-PLOT!

''You are right, it's also best for her safety as well.'' Onoki said

“We’re sending her right into enemy territory! She’ll be perfectly safe!”

“Cos sending an Iwa nin to the village that is STILL RECOVERING FROM THE KYUUBI IS FUCKING A GOOD IDEA!”

Your plan makes no sense...at all.

-Konoha Main Gate, next morning-

*Eyetwitch* Those transitions… My favorite…

Yay awful transitions!

As the sun rises across Konohagakure (COMMA) two Chunin guarding the main gate awake from their unauthorized slumber. These two are Izumo Kamizuki and Kotetsu Hagane and they've been on guard duty for twenty days straight.

I mean, this IS their actual JOB!

They would be dead if they were on guard shift for twenty  days straight, you will die from lack of sleep.

Nah, s’okay. They’re ninja.

''Ugh, Izumo wake up it's morning and time to begin another boring day as gate guards...'' Kotetsu groaned as he stretches himself

“This is how a casual conversation sounds. Wouldn’t you agree my fellow companion guard?”

“Undoubtedly, good sir!”

Nobody talks like this.

He reaches over and places a hand on Izumo's shoulder prodding the man awake. ''Yo, fucking let me sleep will you?'' Izumo grumbled

Are you the tsun to his dere?

Being rude upon being woken: +1 cliche point.

''Sure, then let Lord Hokage catch you and you'd be demoted to a Genin.'' Kotetsu shot back

One of the many responsibilities of the Hokage is to check on grunts like you.

Because the Hokage has the time to come and check on you idiots everyday. Also: Threat of boss demoting someone: +1 cliche point again! YAY Five more are you get a prize from the lower shelf!

You really have no idea what cliches are.

Nope! I just like giving points!

Right now we’ve got the tsundere, angst ridden teenager who whines about EVERYTHING cliche going on.

+5 Cliche points!

This served to wake Izumo almost instantly and the man quickly grabs his hygiene kit and began brushing his teeth, combing his hair and washing his face with a sink he made appear from God knows where.

Can’t be bothered to explain.

“Sorry I have lazy writing.”

This whole lack of explaining in some places and pretty much having dialogue that’s like watching paint dry in others, is making this fanfic to be like a raw, dead catfish. Cold, slimy and uninteresting.

''What the hell? Where'd that sink come from?!'' ''What you see is a genjutsu Kotetsu ooooooo!'' Izumo said trying to be scary

Correction: can’t be bothered to PROPERLY explain.

Correction: Let’s use every chance to say it was a ninja art of some kind.

Correction: completely butchering the english language.

''Shut the hell up and hurry up, we got another day of writing down traffic. Ugh, we always get stuck doing this shit.''

“Probably has something to do with the fact we’re background characters.”

What traffic? Cos the only motor vehicles are in the land of Snow. Do you mean Caravan traffic for trades?

5 minutes later..

Oh. Would you look at that… Another transition…

More lazy writing.

About a quarter mile out from the main gate we see the young Kurotsuchi and the Tsuchikage's secretary named Chihiro approaching the main gate.

Still don’t see anything.

FUCKING DESCRIBE SHIT DAMMIT!

It’s easier to get into the story’s scenery if you describe it a little bit.

Chihiro looked to face the young girl and saw that she was dawning an annoyed expression on her face. ''What's wrong Kurostuchi? Aren't you excited to visit another village let alone live in one for a while?'' She asked the young kunoichi to be

“I know you struggle to emote, but really…”

USE PERIODS!

She made her hate for Konohagakure very (not really) prominent in the very beginning. Did you just leave the room without anyone seeing you or did you not pay attention?

''No! I don't want to live in that poor excuse of a village. They're all murderers and deserve to be wiped out off the face of the Earth.'' Kurotsuchi shot back

What sort of brainwashing did you go through?

Obviously one of unreasonable hate toward a village instead of the one person who killed her mom.

“I don’t know who killed my mother so I’ll blame the whole village that is often called one of the most accepting!” Also, I don’t believe Naruto was ever said to take place on Earth, it was always called the Elemental Nations.

''Stop it, when are you going to understand that this is for our village's benefit? Do you not want us to at least be on friendly terms with Konoha or would you rather have the both of us hate each other forever and probably go to war again? You know we aren't in a position to fight another war Kurotsuchi, if another one broke out we would be annihilated. We've lost so many shinobi last time and we can't go through that again. Besides, think of it this way. You've already mastered your lava release correct?''

Another wall of dialogue. Do you think these characters are capable of performing actions while talking, or are they not advanced enough?

Yay! Wall of text! Cos everyone like those! Their like the floating heads in Rick and Morty.

Kurotsuchi nods at Chihiro's question.

''Then you can add the element of fire to your disposal to make you even more awesome. Fire is probably the most powerful element and from what I've heard has some really good jutsu for it. So that's a benefit for you.'' Chihiro finished

“Just a reminder, I’m doing this for a paycheck.”

“Because you’re a brat with poor character development even for a canon character!”

To make yourself more awesome? Seriously? Just because she has a Kekkei Genkai doesn’t mean that the main cast will like her, especially since she has a poorer attitude than Sasuke.

''And what other benefits are there huh?'' Kurotsuchi snorted

OINK OINK

SUUUUEWEEEE!

''Besides being educated and taught in fire release techniques, you'll also be trained by the best academy out of the five great nations. Konoha is well known for producing excellent ninja and they're no doubt the best trained as well. So there's that.'' Chihiro explained

If you do that, THEN you can crush them.

Crush them in your mighty Russian thighs.

Kurotsuchi's eyes turned into stars. 

Jesus!

'She does have a point! I'm already awesome as it is but being trained by the best ninja...gross, I mean, being trained by Konoha's best is not too shabby at all. Learning fire release makes it even better too!'

“I’m too cool to acknowledge any sort of superiority from Konoha!”

“My ego is massive unlike my breasts!”

“My ego is compensation!”

Guys, she’s ten...

''Hey, we're here.'' Chihiro said snapping Kurotsuchi out of her thoughts, 'Huh?'

''I said we're here.''

Kurotsuchi looks towards her front and sees the main gate of Konohagakure, open and ready to accept whoever walks through them. She had to admit it gave off a friendly, warm and welcoming vibe which was something that she wasn't used to.

I am 99.999% confident she’ll still treat everyone like a piece of shit.

I’m pretty confident she’ll meet Naruto within the first chapter.

I’m pretty confident she’s going to pick a fight with every single one of them.

The two Iwa ladies then enter the gate and walk up towards the small checkpoint where Izumo and Kotetsu were.

''Hi, may I see your identification, papers, all those goodies?'' Izumo asked with a warm smile

All those goodies? That is extremely lame.

Waiting for the moment to stab a bitch. PLOT TWIST, Izumo is the true villain of this plot!

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง Wanna go bro?

Chihiro reaches for her I.D. and hands it to the Chunin. Looking at Kurotsuchi she raises her eyebrow prompting the young girl

RAGE

to hand Kotetsu her exchange papers. The two Chunin then take the time to look over the documents before nodding in satisfaction.

“Sorry ma’am, I’m afraid I need to stab you.”

“I’m to lazy to write Protagonist’s name so here’s a half assed nickname which is just her name shortened.”

''So I presume this young lady is part of the exchange program between our villages?'' Izumo asked handing the two ladies their documents ''Yes, young Kurotsuchi here will attend the academy.'' Chihiro replied with a smile

Sure, that’s what they all say!

Even though she’s said she’s already ‘good enough’.

''Just my luck...'' Kurotsuchi mumbled ''Oh come on little lady! The Konoha ninja academy is the best! We have amazing instructors and the student body is quite diverse as it is already! I think you'll meet some good kids your age you'd get along well with.'' Kotetsu inquired

“It’s not like we’re going to kill you like your mother!”

“Which I’m sure is going to somehow be used against you for plot!”

Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. I bet you the author is going to stick her in Team 7 for no good reason.

''Yeah, whatever you say.'' The soon to be kunoichi groaned before receiving a tap on the back of the head from Chihiro

Main character despise all goodwill and warmth.

THE GOODWILL! IT BURNS! 

This is Katherine all over again. DAMMIT! GET THE PAN!

''Heh, excuse her behavior she isn't feeling well this morning gentlemen! Would you be so kind to escort us to see the Hokage?''

Translation: “She’s being a bitch and embarrassing me. Can we go?”

Translation to translation: Little cunt needed to be aborted.

We’re right back to overly formal, just talk like a normal person please.

''Sure.'' Izumo said before clearing his throat, ''Oh ANBUUUUUUUUUUU!'' He shouted in a sing-song voice

Escorting your whiney ass is bad enough, don’t embarrass the poor guy but having him do a singsong voice in the middle of the road. 

And like that (COMMA) two ANBU agents appeared before the four of them. ''Could you guys escort these ladies to see Lord Hokage? The little lady there is an exchange student from Iwagakure.'' Izumo explained.

You know that default icon you have when you don’t set your profile picture? That’s how I imagine all of these characters.

Y’know that feeling you get when you smell horseshit incoming? I’m getting that right now. OH WAIT! THIS WHOLE STORY IS BULLSHIT!

The two ANBU nod before motioning the Iwa ladies to follow suit. ''Man, she is a mean girl!" Kotetsu said once they were out of hearing range

Thank you Captain Obvious.

Holy shit! Someone who understands us! FINALLY!

More like she’s a mega bitch, who can’t stop whining about how she can’t stand Konahagakure’s inhabitants because one ninja killed her mom.

''She's from Iwa so it makes sense why she's acting like that so give the kid a break Kotetsu.'' Izumo said in a bossy voice

I’m sorry, what? Give the kid a break? No. She’s being rude to you for no valid reason.

“The readers would’ve needed to know the main plot line to understand anything that’s going on. I’d hate to be that guy.”

Author believes we can remember what happened 700+ episodes/mangas and ten movies ago.

''Well I sure hope she doesn't end up...killing some kids from our village considering that some bad blood still exists between us and them.''

On second thought, it probably wasn’t a good idea to let her in the village.

She’ll probably commit arson. Like the Kyuubi did. Too soon?

''I agree.'' Izumo concluded The two of them were left to sulk in depression as another day as gate guards begins.

 HAHAHA DEPRESSION IS FUNNY.

HAHAHA LIKE MY ALCOHOLISM!

HAHAHA YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP!

-Hokage Tower-

I’m fine. Really.

Chihiro, Kurotsuchi and the two ANBU are seen walking up the staircase towards the Hokage's office. After a few more minutes (COMMA) they finally approach the large double doors where the office is.

Yay for poor descriptions!

Wow, these descriptions almost make me feel like I’m actually there.

''Here we are, please go ahead and enter.'' One of the ANBU said ''Thank for your escort.'' Chihiro said

Nodding, the two ANBU then shunshin leaving the two ladies alone. Chihiro then bent down to where she was eye-level with Kurotsuchi. ''Now Kurotsuchi, I want you to be on your best behavior alright? For the love of Kami

Get it?! The Japanese word for God?! GET IT?!

Even though I’m sure Naruto has it’s own gods and legends right?

Stopderailingtheauthor’sjokewithyourfacts.

don't start anything with any of the young Konoha shinobi, don't pick fights and please don't insult the Hokage. That would be pretty bad since he knows the Tsuchikage's granddaughter is attending the shinobi exchange program.''

“He will have you shot.”

''I can't guarantee that Chihiro-san, my temper and arrogance gets the best of me sometimes so whatever I do you can blame the brats who pushed me.'' Kurotsuchi snorted

“I’m a cool teen that does whatever I want without any consequences! It’s their fault for crossing me!”

Jesus, it’s Sasgay.

Sasuke has a better attitude than her.

''YOUNG LADY.'' Chihiro shouted as her eyes glow red sending waves of killer intent towards the little girl

Good job reprimanding her by reminding her that she is, in fact, a young female.

''Ung!''

A+ dialogue.

Sounds like the name of a character from Dawn of the Croods.

Way to make her sound constipated.

''You're our representative for this program, since we are so low on shinobi we can only send you and you seriously better behave! Make Iwagakure look good you hear me? Most importantly, make Lord Tsuchikage look good.''

You’re really expecting her to understand something like that? I thought better of you Assistant Chihiro.

Assistant is expecting a lot of Shitty Protagonist.

I find it funny that she’s expecting her NOT to mess this up.

Kurotsuchi knew she was right, she can't screw up and now she had to throw away her hatred of Konoha aside if she wanted to even be a kunoichi. ''Fine, I understand Chihiro-san. I promise to behave.'' Kurotsuchi sighed with honesty in her words

“Even though I don’t really. I’ll probably spend most of the story making this a living hell for just about everyone here.”

“I don’t give a shit about anyone.”

“I’m just gonna throw a tantrum and make everyone's life hell until they get sick of me and send me home.”

Chihiro smiled, maybe Kurotsuchi would pull through and get through the ninja academy without causing any problems. Getting up she balls her hand into a fist ready to knock on the door.(SPACE)''Ready Kurotsuchi? She asked turning to look at the girl

“Even if you’re not, I’m still going to knock anyway.”

YAY PLOT!

''Yes.'' Chihiro then knock on the door three times as loud as she could. The two of them were greeted with silence

Oh, hey silence! How’s it going? Creeping in stories with ridiculous prose I see!

Silence, why did you leave us with wall texts!?

before a voice spoke. ''Come in.''

So descriptive.

Chihiro then grabs the door(ONE WORD)knob and turns it opening the door and they enter the office. Closing the door behind them Chihiro turns to face the Hokage and the two of them were greeted by an elderly man Kurotsuchi guessed was the same age as the Tsuchikage. He had a warm smile on his face and was smoking a pipe.

Ah, you look like an asshole. Not because of your nonexistent character description, but because you’re from ~Konoha~.

Cos all old people with pies are assholes.

''Ah, are you the two lovely ladies from Iwagakure? I am Hiruzen Sarutobi and I am the Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato.'' He welcomed

No, just no. Be consistent with your naming. This makes your writing look sloppy jumping between the english dubbed name and the full japanese name of the village.

Kurotsuchi is no lady with how she acts. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Jesus this IS Katherine.

''Yes, I have brought young Kurotsuchi here to attend your academy as part of the Shinobi Exchange on behalf of the Tsuchikage.'' Chihiro explained

You should have already known that, but I’m not going to say anything about it.

I’ve given up on the plot.

This political motive is still lame.

Smiling, the Hokage looks at Kurotsuchi. The girl was a bit apprehensive but when she saw that his eyes had a look of calm and kindness in them she sighed in relief.

Because she wasn’t trained enough to keep her guard up no matter what just by looking in someone's eyes.

“Stop being so nice to me and let me hate you!”

“Let me be an angsty bitch that hates the entire village for no good reason.”

“My mother IS dead, but I blame the whole place.”

''Hm, and do you have your files? Any important documents you will need to enroll in our academy young Kurotsuchi?''

Again, you trusted the ten-year-old with the important paperwork.

Nodding, Kurotsuchi takes her file out of her pack and walks up to the elderly man. Taking it from the girl Hiruzen then proceeds to look over her enrollment papers that came with the packet. Nodding in satisfaction he then places the papers on his desk.

And the plot continues at a snail’s pace.

There was a plot?

''Well then, your grandfather must really want you to be part of the program. I'll gladly mail this to the academy headmaster and you will receive a letter in the mail that will confirm your acceptance.'' ''Thank you Lord Hokage.'' Kurotsuchi said politely as she bows

“But not really. I still fucking hate your guts.”

I called it when she was gonna start going soft the moment she came here.

She’s the angsty teen character, that's exactly what’s going to happen.

''Haha, no need for formalities young lady, today I'm feeling very jolly so just call me Hokage-sama okay?''

Which is still formal.

First time you use formalities correctly is when you say don’t use them. GAH!

San would be more casual than sama. Just saying.

''Oh, okay Hokage-sama.'' Kurotsuchi chuckled

“I still hate you and everyone in this village. Now quit being nice and let my hate fester.”

''Ahem, now I will give you your address to the apartment complex you will live in with the other village exchange students. Don't worry about not being guarded because I have ANBU guarding the apartment 24/7 just in case anyone dares to try and attack children from other villages. Your safety is our utmost concern.'' Hiruzen said with a smile

“This isn’t effective anywhere outside the apartments so you’re pretty much on your own everywhere else. Pretty counter-intuitive, right?”

“Even though this is the first time we’ve done exchanges with ninjas.”

He then takes a pen and writes down the address to the complex before handing it to Kurotsuchi. ''There you go, that will be all. So do you have anything else to say before I send you off?''

Now would be the time to request bail.

-Prepares ceremonial noose-

''Nothing here for me to say Lord Hokage, thank you for having Kurotsuchi here in your village. I'm sure Lord Tsuchikage would be pleased.'' Chihiro said with a bow ''No problem, will that be all?'

“Yeah, can I punch you since I hate you?”

The two Iwa ladies shake their heads in response before Hiruzen dismissed them. They proceed to leave the tower and make their way towards the front entrance of the building. Chihiro bends down to Kurotsuchi's level to bid her farewell. ''Well Kurotsuchi, this is where I have to leave you dear. You going to be okay on your own?'' She questioned

In other words, you’re not going to fuck up, are you?

I sense future fucking up.

''Yeah yeah, I'm a big girl now so don't stress out. I'll find my way to the complex.'' Kurotsuchi answered with confidence

“I’m a big kid now!”

“I wear huggies!”

“I’m sooooooo gonna get lost.”

''Good, be on your best behavior and we'll see you at graduation.'' Kissing her on the forehead Chihiro then waves good-bye before walking off and disappearing into the crowd.

Well, that was awkward.

“I don't have to deal with your ass anymore, BYE BITCH!”

Kurotsuchi then looks at the paper with the address on it and begins making her way there.

How does she magically know her way around?

-Apartment complex, 1 hour later-

Hahahaha. You must really like those FUCKING transitions. Hahahaha...

FUCK YOU!

Kurotsuchi spent over an hour looking for her apartment complex but it was no easy task. She got lost five minutes after she began her search. 'Man! Konoha is no doubt the largest village of them all! I never got lost in Iwa like this before.'

“It has nothing to do with the fact that I lived in Iwa up to this point!”

“KONOHA SUCKS! BUT I LIKE HOW BIG IT IS!"

That’s because genius you lived there your entire life, this is new territory.

Walking into the door she shows the front desk receptionist her exchange papers and receives the key to her apartment. Thanking the receptionist (COMMA) she then makes her way up to the third floor where her apartment is.

Wow~ So descriptive~!

How much do you bet this is the complex Naruto lives at?

I bet all of Jack Sparrow’s rum.

''Let's see...C-1, C-2, Ah! Here is apartment C-3.'' Taking her key she unlocks the door and opens it. She was greeted to cool air to which she sighs in relief. 'Wow! The A.C. is already on!' She thought as she walks into the living room.

Turns out her apartment is a giant white box. No furniture or anything.

Just an A.C.

Setting her pack on the desk in the kitchen she notices an envelope and a note on the table for her. Picking it up she opens the envelope and finds over $500,000 for food shopping and other necessities that she may need later on.

In AMERICAN? THEY USE JAPANESE MONEY DUMBASS!! ALSO! THAT MUCH IN FOOD?! FOR ONE PERSON!?

IT’S CALLED YEN, YOU FOOL. THEY DON’T EVEN USE YEN IN NARUTO ANYWAY. *ahem* Needless to say, she has to be a heavy eater or else she won’t pair well with her ~love interest~

Taking the note she reads it, Dear Kurotsuchi,

This is a letter from me, Hiruzen Sarutobi and I just wanted to let you know I am glad that you have decided to attend the Konoha ninja academy on behalf of your grandfather Tsuchikage Onoki and the exchange program to help improve relations between our two nations. In the envelope if you haven't opened it yet contains enough ryo to last you the entire four years you will be in the academy. Please spend it wisely on things you will need such as food, clothes, hygiene and cleaning products. Do not worry about bills because the power, water and other household utilities are free as part of being in the program. Once again I thank you and welcome you to Konohagakure no Sato and I hope you enjoy your stay and your future career as an Iwa kunoichi in service to Konoha. -Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage

He seems to really like bending over backwards for these exchange students.

Couldn’t you at least have made the letter a different text like italics?

No, that would be too much work.

Smirking,

“Ha, that’s right! You’re my bitch!”

“I WON’T SPEND THE MONEY WISELY!”

Kurotsuchi puts the letter aside and opens her fridge to find it stocked up! ''Holy crap! The old man planned ahead huh?'', Looking into the fridge's shelves she spots several frozen meats, Sriracha sauce, frozen yogurt, dumpling recipes and various fruit juices. Peeking at the top of the fridge she spots two gallons of water and two 24-packs of water bottles stacked atop one another. Moving onwards towards the counter she sees cooking utensils placed neatly and orderly. Taking a chair (COMMA) she climbs onto the counter-top and opens up the shelves and sees various cooking ingredients such as salt, pepper and everything you would want.

You take the time to describe this, but nothing else?

Cos food is priority apparently.

Obviously. 

''You know, maybe being here wouldn't be THAT bad..'' She whispered to herself

You only think this because you don’t have to work for any of that.

Fat bitch.

She then proceeds to unpack her bag and takes out a fresh pair of clothes to shower. Thirty minutes later she exits the shower and jumps onto the couch in the living room. ''The couch feels nice, much better than those old ones back home.''

“My bastard grandpa was right! I do like it better here!”

Wow. -__- Guess you forgot your mother’s death. But I’m sure it’ll come back up for plot.

She’ll probably meet her killer and kill them to avenge her mother, knowing our luck.

Deciding that sitting and laying would be boring she decided that she might as well go out and explore the village a little since it's better to know it now than later so she doesn't get lost. Getting up she then heads out the door and begins her self(HYPHEN)tour of the village.

Silly nugget. Didn’t you forget you got lost?

Apparently yes.

She has the attention span of a goldfish.

-Konoha Streets-

HahahaHAHAHAHAHA. I’m going to end you.

ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

After over two hours of walking through the village and finding where the food, shinobi and clothing stores were she was starting to feel hungry and thought it would be a good idea to get some lunch. Checking her little watch (COMMA) she saw that it was around one in the afternoon. ''Hm, I wonder if this dump has any good places worth eating at.''

Yes, this ‘dump’ is more put together and reformed than your dump you call home as stated in the first couple of paragraphs.

Even after being raveged by a giant fox. (I mean their repairs are kind shoddy in some places)

Well according to this, they did get bombed several months prior, so the dumpiness has to be stated twice.

She said as she stops to take a quick look around. One stand catches her eye. A ramen stand that had a sign sporting the words 'Ichiraku Ramen!'. ''Well I guess ramen will do since it looks relatively friendly and cheap.'' She said to herself as she walks up to the shop.

“Still a dump though.”

“Still hate it here. Just like the food.”

Taking a seat (COMMA. YOU REALLY LIKE GERUNDS, I SEE) she notices that the stand only had about twelve seats and was really small but had a really nice and friendly atmosphere to it. She spots a girl with brown hair who appeared to be a year older

Your powers of observation are lacking and at the same time are sharp enough to tell the minute age gap between you and an absolute stranger.

Semi-All knowing MC.

than her cleaning the dishes while an older man in his mid-thirties was seen prepping the broth for the noodles. She sat there silently before the girl spotted her.

Speak dammit, I get you’re from the land of ROCKS, but you are not a ROCK! AAAAAAAGH!

I know you have the emotional capacity of a potato, but the least you can do is use your words instead of awkwardly sitting there.

Sitting around and being awkward is the best social interaction dontcha know?

''Hi! Welcome to Ichiraku ramen! What can I get you?'' The girl said in a very cheerful tone ''Oh, um this is my first time here... (CAPITALIZE)actually this is my first time in this village so I don't really know what you have..'' Kurotsuchi replied

Well, ramen for starters.

There weren't ramen stands at your home? You know, literally the cheapest meal ever besides crackers. ALSO READ THE MENU BITCH!

''I think I can guess why you haven't been here before young lady. It's because you're in the shinobi exchange program (COMMA) right?'' The older man said without looking at her

That man must be a mindreader!

MORE ALL KNOWING CHARACTERS!

''Erm, yeah that's why. I'm from Iwagakure.''

And as such I show no emotion. Beep boop. Kill all humans.

Beep boop. KILL ALL OF KONOHA. Beep beep boop.

I am a robot. Beep bop beep boing.

''Iwa huh? Never met anyone from there before so it's a pleasure! I'm Teuchi and this fine little lady here is my daughter Ayame.'' Teuchi introduced with a bow ''Nice to meet you!'' Ayame greeted ''Kurotsuchi, likewise.''

“I lack a last name because it makes me cool.”

“You’re not cool enough to know my last name.”

''You know since it's your first time here I'll give you a free bowl on the house.'' Teuchi said as he dumps some ramen into the broth to cook

Great business, give the little whore a free bowl just cos she’s new. Gold star!

Shut it, that’s a good strategy to get the little bitch to show up again!

-,,,,- This does not please Zoidberg.

''I mean, if you insist that is.'' Kurotsuchi shrugged

“I have the emotional capacity of exactly half of a teaspoon.”

That’s not very much.

''Hey it's on the house!''

“So, you’ll spend money here, right?

''Oh fine. Thanks anyway.''

I’m sorry, but the command “gratitude” is currently unavailable. Please try again later.

Thankful.exe has stopped working.

After about five minutes another person comes into the stall and takes a seat two stools away from Kurotsuchi. Looking out the corner of her eye she could make out a boy with spiky blonde (BLOND) hair about her age. Turning to face him completely she saw that he had blue eyes and whisker marks on his cheeks that made him look a bit feral.

I FUCKING CALLED IT!

After the last story, the word “feral” gives me PTSD

This feral enough?

I will bury you alive (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

I’m taking the rum with me.

''Oh! Daddy, Naruto is here!" Ayame shouted in glee

I read this as ‘Daddy naruto’ oh god.

''Get him his usual!'' Teuchi called out The blonde (BLOND IS FOR MALES, BLONDE IS FOR FEMALES) boy sat there with a huge smile on his face. Noticing the girl sitting close to him he turns his head and looks her way. The two lock eyes for a moment before Naruto gave her his trademark grin then turning away.

Despite never being to the village before nor meeting the main character, she knows exactly what his trademark grin is.

Bruh… She’s back to all knowing again.

There was something about the look in his eyes that got Kurotsuchi curious. While his eyes and smile displayed happiness Kurotsuchi saw a sense of loneliness and depression.

Oops, your all knowing narrator syndrome is showing again.

Goddammit, even Jacob was this all knowing.

Of course you’re curious, you want something to compare to.

''Hiya! I'm Naruto! You can send the love letters later, nice to meet you!" The blonde (BLOND) greeted with his foxy grin as he looks back at her

You can send the love letters later? Seriously, that is way out of character for him.

That right there is the epitome of a lady killer. Figuratively and maybe literally.

Why is NOBODY saying their last names when meeting each other!?

''Uh, yeah..'' She said as a bowl of ramen was placed in front of her, 'Oh dang, that actually looks really good!'

“I was expecting a piece of trash from a trash town!”

“I hate this stupid trash town and its stupid trash people.”

Did you just expect disgusting slop or something?

''Enjoy!'' Ayame said before giving the blonde (BLOND) his bowl. ''Thanks Ayame!'' He shouted as he goes to devour his bowl in 2.5 seconds

Exactly. Not a second more.

He doesn’t even eat that fast in the actual manga and anime.  ʕ>ಠᴥಠʔ> ======= O

Evidently we must over exaggerate how fast the boy can eat.

Kurotsuchi was taking her second bite when she looked at the boy and her eyes nearly rocketed out of her sockets. That blonde (BLOND) had already eaten twelve bowls while she was only on her second bite!

 Pretty sure he would have choked. Which might have been preferable given who the love interest is.

You know what Kuro’s gonna choke on later? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Naruto’s salami.

Che?

*pat pat* When you’re older Coffee.

'Holy crap, how the heck does he do that? No human on earth can eat that fast!' She thought with a deadpan expression

Dead like her mother.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Dead like my will to live.

Another five minutes would go by and when Kurotsuchi got halfway through her bowl she turned and looked and saw over twenty more empty bowls stacked up beside the boy.

Is he just allowed to do that? Eating that much ramen costs a bit. It’s a business, not a charity.

I know Naruto eats ramen A LOT, but he doesn’t eat this MUCH DAMMIT!

Good lord you take forever to eat.

'This guy doesn't hold back when it comes to eating huh?'

Nope.

Picking up the pace Kurotsuchi devours her bowl just as Naruto finished bowl number twenty-two. Burping he turns to look at the girl giving her a grin. ''I see you trying to eat as fast as me huh? Think you can do better?'' He asked

Of course she does! She’s the main character!

Cos MC’s can do anything!

Kurotsuchi just scoffed before a second bowl was placed in front of her. With the utmost efficiency (COMMA.) she managed to devour it in five seconds much to Naruto's surprise.

You are paying for that one, right?

“I’ve never done this before or eat eat ramen at all but watch me down this shit like  beer!”

''Haha! That was fast but not fast enough!'' Naruto said as another bowl was placed in front of him and to Kurotsuchi's surprise he ate it in literally a quarter of a millisecond.

Chewing is no longer a necessity. He just unhinges his jaw and devours it whole. The bowl included.

She’s gonna win, I just know it. Or she loses and follows Naruto to his home.

''What the?!'' She said Setting the bowl down the blonde (HAVE I MADE MY POINT YET?)turns to face the girl with his supposed signature grin. ''Think you can top that girly?'' He questioned

But of course she’s gonna.

“Girly?”, Naruto doesn’t call anyone girly, you’re letting his OOC show again.  

With a tic mark forming on her head she pounds on the counter and screams ''Third bowl! Now!"

“MY PRIDE IS AT STAKE HERE! I CAN’T LOSE TO THIS TRASH PERSON FROM THIS TRASH TOWN.”

“MUST WIN AT SOMETHING I’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE!”

''Here you go!" Teuchi said Grabbing the bowl and putting it against her face she proceeds to devour it at a speed that was considered inhuman that even Naruto was once again taken by surprise. 'I won't lose! Kurotsuchi always wins because I'm the best!' Two hours later..

Oh lookie… A time skip. This stand’s out of business by now.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

After over two hours having a ramen eating contest

Really? Two hours have passed? Are you sure? I know you told us in that God-awful transition, but just got to be certain.

neither of them were aware of the two of them had eaten a total of one-hundred bowls each and now they were on their last bowls as their little stomachs were on the verge of exploding.

Fucking really? If Naruto’s draining bowls in 2.5 seconds he’d be beyond 100 in TWO FUCKING HOURS!

They had to stop before the bill became even more outrageous. Which I hope they’re paying for.

They’re not going to and we all know it. She has to win because “she’s the best.”

''I...I won't lose to you (COMMA) blondie.'' Kurotsuchi moaned as she takes her chopsticks and takes a bite of some ramen

Bet this won’t be the only time she moans around Naruto.  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ wink wink nudge nudge

SCROTAL PUNCH!

NOOOO! (ಥ﹏ಥ)

You kinda should have expected that.

''Y..yeah sure...I'm a natu-*Burp* (THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE DIALOGUE)-ral at this..'' Naruto groaned as he tries to take one last bite but before he could put the ramen in his mouth his head slumps forward and lands on the counter. His body seemingly unconscious.

I think he might be dead.

*pokes the body with a stick* nope he twitched, still alive.

Can’t kill Love Interest off, whose MC gonna use a pillow to cry on when she remembers Dead Mama?

''Yes!'' Kurotsuchi shouted with her arms raised

Of course she fucking won. -__-. RAMEN IS LITERALLY ALL NARUTO CAN AFFORD FOR A MEAL! BESIDES SPOILED MILK!

Teuchi and Ayame couldn't help but laughed at the two children.

“I can’t wait so see their faces when I show them the bill.”

Considering Asian currency is often a much lower value, I’ll say the ‘500,000’ is actually more so around a much lower amount in American, so she wasted it all on ramen. TWO HOURS OF TWO AND A HALF SECOND BOWLS OF RAMEN FROM A SHITTY STAND!

He gave her enough for four years, she not running out for awhile.

Fun fact, one US dollar is equal to ten ryo, the official currency in Naruto. Also there are 3600 seconds in an hour. So eating 2.5 seconds consistently for two hours gets about 2880 bowls. Average ramen at a shop like this one costs usually no more than 500 yen (50 ryo). This get’s you about 144,000 ryo ($14,000). And that’s just accounting for one of them, not counting the bowls that Naruto had devoured before starting this competition.

Lucky for them, the writer had mentioned it was only 100 bowls a piece. So instead of that number it’s more like 5000 ryo ($500) per person. Which is still expensive.

But that doesn’t make since, if it’s only one hundred bowls, that means they must’ve slowed down A LOT to make that amount, together, in two hours. Also: Why didn’t the owner stop them. Surely they just ate most of his stock for the day.

''Aaaaaand I believe the winner is the young Iwa exchange student!'' Teuchi declared while Ayame applaud, ''Congrats! Looks like Naruto has a rival!'' ''W-whatever...''

“I-It’s not like I like you or anything! B-Baka!”

AHAHAHHAHA. Get out.

Kurotsuchi said as she devours her last bowl before she performs a hand seal for a technique that allows her full stomach to immediately digest all the food.

That’s cheating!

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Really?

''There, all better, thanks for the food old guy!'' Kurotsuchi says as she takes off

“I’m not gonna pay for it, What’s-Your-Face.”

She keeps her money, like the little slut she is.

Checking her watch she saw that it was about five in the evening and decided to go look around for the training fields. After thirty minutes of searching she found the Third Training Field where she hoped she could practice some moves in peace away from the bustling village. She enters the field and the sight was quite nice compared to the Iwa training fields. It was in the middle of a small forest with a large river cutting through the middle of it that led to a lake a quarter mile away.

Lookie Coffee! No transitions!

Truly a marvelous day.

Oh, happy day!

''Huh, I guess this place is somewhat nice.'' She said to herself before taking out a small scroll from her small pack and focuses some chakra-

HOLY SHIT! FIRST TIME CHAKRA WAS MENTIONED! HOLY FUCK!

It’s a miracle, actual show related stuff is being described!  0_0

- into her hand. Placing it on the scroll a sword materializes and she unsheathes it and begins practicing some Kendo techniques for over a few hours before deciding to head back to her apartment.

Well, the descriptiveness didn’t last long. 

-Shopping District of Konoha, the same night-

Yeah, no. Everything is fine. EvERYTHING IS FUCKING DANDY. I’M NOT MAD. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE MAD?

FUCK! I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING!

IT IS OFFICIALLY YOUR FAULT FOR THIS.

Yep, gif sums it up.

NO IT DOESN’T. THAT DOESN’T EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE.

It was around eight at night now and Kurotsuchi was walking the now semi quiet streets of Konoha.

Descriptions are top-notch as usual. (Read as lacking)

As the Cromulons would say: DISQUALIFIED!

 She was glad she was walking home at this time because during the day Konoha was jam packed with people moving around making it pretty challenging to walk the streets. Since it was eight now traffic had died down about 40% making travel much easier.

 40% precisely, based on what she only saw that one day.

All-Knowing Syndrome is back.

She continued walking until she heard a huge commotion up the street and saw a mob of sorts doing what she believed was chasing someone.

Taking bets now. $50 says it’s her love interest.

$40 on it being Chihiro.

''Huh, who pissed those guys off?'' She whispered to herself, ''Oh well, none of my business.''

Oh boy, villagers chasing someone at night, who ever could it be. -__-. +100 points for using originality.

She was about to turn the other direction when she heard what sounded like a child shout in pain, ''What the hell?'' She said before running towards the mob.

 Chronic Hero Syndrome +50.

As she was approaching the mob she heard various sentences being said. ''Kill the demon!''

 Yep, it’s Love Interest. -hands Coffee 50 bucks- Dammit.

I’ll take that!

''You will pay for what you did all those years ago!’’

Mob mentality of course -.-.

+2 points for great speech. -__-

''Time to die!''

Sooooo original. -___-

Oh no, not Naruto! The true MC!

Quickly, save your love interest even though you supposedly hate this town and everyone in it!

She made her way directly behind the mob and spotted a mix of shinobi and villagers carrying various weapons such as pitchforks, katanas, kusarigamas and torches.

+50 points for having professionally trained shinobi join in instead of stopping.

This is some Frankenstein-esque shit.

This is unoriginal. I see it in NEARLY EVERY DAMN NARUTO FANFIC!

Peaking (PEEKING) through the gaps of their legs (COMMA AND STOP ABUSING GERUNDS) she saw someone familiar. It was that blonde (NO E UNLESS NARUTO IS A LADY) Naruto kid from the ramen stand! The boy was in a fetal position cowering in fear before the mob.

“We are strangely prone to violence here!”

I mean if he’s ten and has this many adults wanting to beat him up, I can’t blame him.

The problem here is that the adults didn’t join in the beating, they just verbally berated him. It was the kids and teenagers that beat the hell out of him.

''These idiots are picking on some kid?

And how old are you, kid?

TEN! LIKE HIM! YOU CAN’T DO SHIT! LEAST KATHERINE HAD A PAN! I MEAN PLAN!

Well I'll show them who's boss!...Wait...I'll only cause a problem if I attack anyone from here..damn.'' She said to herself, ''Guess I'll just save the blondie and get out of here.''

You guess. It’s the only way to move the plot forward.

This is the part where you get creative and not just wing it.

Save him so you can get that sweet smoked salami later ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

With that Kurotsuchi then hops over the mob and lands in between them and the blonde (IS HE A LADY?) holding her hand protectively in front of Naruto.

Who even is Kurotsuchi? Like I do not remember her at all. Never mind, looked her up: She’s actually a nice looking character and nicely developed as a person. In This story? Not so much.

“For some reason I care about this particular piece of trash. If he’s dead, he can’t foot the bill!”

Feeling the presence of someone looming over him Naruto opens his eyes and spots a person standing in front of him separating him from the mob with their hand held in front of him as if protecting him. 'It's that girl from the Ichiraku's!' He thought recognizing the girl

Somewhere in the background, someone yelled, “One of you fuckers owes us a shit-ton of money!”

“And a new supply of ingredients!”

''Who the hell are you girl?'' One of the villagers asked

She ate more than the living black hole called Naruto.

''Why the heck are you picking on some kid? She replied

“He can’t pay his - definitely not mine- debt if he’s dead! Do you know how much he -not me- spent tonight?!”

Again MC goes back to being a heartless bitch, remembering the town is stupid and trash.

''Don't protect that demon spawn! He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him and avenge our fallen comrades!'' One of the shinobi yelled

“It’s totally his fault for all of that!”

“Avenge our fallen comrades”, “He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him”, “demon spawn” Nobody talks this formally anymore, get with the program.

“HE HAS WHISKERS! MUST BE ONE OF THEM THERE FURRY FELLAS!”

“That’s reason enough to kill him!”

''You're all scum for picking on a defenseless kid. Especially you (COMMA) shinobi! You're supposed to protect your comrades not hurt them let alone a poor child!" Kurotsuchi spat before one of the Chunin charged forth with a katana ready to cut Kurotsuchi down.

Somehow, they’re even worse trash than MC thought prior.

Better than ICP.

Seriously? They wouldn’t attack unless she presented herself as a threat you idiot.

What can I say? Author’s a dumbass.

'Oh man, just what I need.'

“Screw it! I don’t give a rat’s ass about my village’s reputation! Just as long as I can satisfy my BLOODLUST.”

“I don’t care if my grandpa, who's my leader, gets mad at me!”

Kurotsuchi took her katana-

Where the fuck did your katana come from?

You ask where thy magical sword is produced from? Her butt ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Pulled straight from her ass.

Just like the author did when writing this shitfest.

and swung it with enough force to swat the Chunin's katana right out of his grip catching the man by surprise. ''What the?!'' He shouted before Kurotsuchi karate chopped his temple knocking him out cold. Chuckling in satisfaction she turns to face the crowd, ''So who's next?'' She said challenging the mob to try her

Haha, really hope no one takes her seriously… There’s no way an untrained student can take down multiple Chunin.

She’s the all powerful MC, of course she can take them all down. *heavy sarcasm*

Meh, I’m sure nobody is, maybe the chunin let her win to make her ego flare.

Just as she said that two more Chunin charged towards her with kunai in hand and like the one before she effortlessly dodged all their attacks and proceeded to knock one of them out before choking the other out cold. Tossing his body aside two villagers came at her and she performed a roundhouse kick knocking them both backwards against the nearby dumpster. After several more minutes of ass(TWO WORDS)kicking Kurotsuchi had managed to beat the mob leaving them beaten into unconsciousness. Naruto was just staring at her in awe.

Turns out they were a bunch of regular villagers. There were also apparently no guards or any form of security to prevent this. Kurotsuchi was sent back home in a bodybag.

Cos a small, untrained, child waving a big sword can defeat fully trained ninjas, and I’m sure there had to be at least ONE Jonin there.

Sooo I’m supposed to buy that she effortlessly beat up half the village, well trained shinobi and walked away without even a single scratch? Yeah, no. Not buying it.

Cracking her neck and her knuckles she lets out a sigh of content. ''Now that was worth the work out!''

 You pulverized them with as much effort as it takes most of us to sneeze and you call it a work out.

Sad this is a canon character and the Author’s using her like a Mary Sue.

She declared before Naruto started speaking, ''Wow! That was so cool! I've never seen anyone kick butt like that! You are really good!'' The blonde (IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING?) declared

YES! MARVEL AT HER AWESOME POWER.

But don’t the villagers kick YOUR but like that? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Turning to face the boy she couldn't help but smirk, ''I only beat them because shinobi in your village are weak, that's why they got what they got by a ten-year old like me. I'm awesome and they suck end of story.'' She boasted,

“I’m making this all up to impress you, even if you are a piece of trash! B-Baka!”

“I’m awesome and they suck, end of story.” Such… Oh fuck it I give up. Bring me the 50 year old scotch.

I can practically see the bubble that is her ego inflating.

Quick! Someone get a needle!

Did someone say needle? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I got some good fucking heroin for sale.

Nah, I’m good. I already have my coffee, the best kind of drug. (◕ヮ◕)

 ''So what did you do to make all these people want to kill you?'' ''Urm, well I never really did anything at all actually.'' He answered ''Suuuuuuuuuure.'' Kurotsuchi snorted,

I don’t know. He looks ten, but he has the eyes of a killer.

He’s a Yiffer, burn him. Oh god I just angered the Furries again.

She’s gonna learn the village secret here in the next few paragraphs I bet.

''Well it's getting late so you should head on home.'' She ordered as she handed him a handkerchief to clean off his bloody nose. ''Clean that blood off your face, you look like a mess.'' She ordered before she turns to hop over the rooftops. Just as she was about to hop Naruto reached out and grabbed her arm. ''Wait!'' Turning back Kurotsuchi shot an annoyed glare at the blonde (HE HAS A NAME YOU KNOW. OR IS IT SHE?) boy. ''What?''

 “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you skipping out of the bill!”

“OH! Sure I’ll pay it later” Never pays.

''W-what's your name?'' He asked

He’s probably going to send the bill straight to your address.

That’s what I’d do.

'Should I tell him my name or shouldn't I? Oh fine, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I mean it's only polite.' She thought

Even though politeness is something you also lacked the entire story up until now.

*coughs*bitch!*coughs*

''My name is Kurotsuchi.'' Smiling, Naruto gave her his trademark grin, ''I'm Naruto Uzumaki!'' He declared with a thumbs up. ''Um, you told me already but whatever.'' She said before hopping away

Shut your mouth! What happened to being polite?

But he didn’t tell you his LAST name tho! So there you go!

Naruto was left standing there in awe. ''She's cool...'' He mumbled to himself as a blush forms on his face

Figuratively and if I had my way, literally frozen in a block of ice to match her emotional depth.

I feel literally no connection between them. It’s AngelXEmily all over.

He then begins walking home towards his apartment complex. -Naruto's apartment complex-

You know what? Okay, fine. I’m not going to freak out about this. I will rip out your intestines and use them as a skip rope

/╲/\╭ ʕಥᴥಥʔ╮/\╱\ About time I scuttle outta here.

Naruto was making his way up the stairs of his apartment complex before coming up to his door. Reaching into his pocket he takes his keys and unlocks his door and enters it.

Descriptive descriptions are descriptive. Unlike this paragraph.

Unknown to him however that during his entire walk back to his apartment Kurotsuchi was watching him from the rooftops.

In an Edward Cullen-esque manner.

Watching him enter his apartment she then turns to head to hers. There was only one thought going through her mind.

/╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\ Is that the ending I see? Has God came to save us?

Why was she feeling very caring towards him?

He’s the main character.

He’s the future love interest.

So that concludes the first chapter of my attempt at a NaruKuro story. I know it won't be perfect but I hoped you enjoyed regardless

Oh, hon. We know.

CONCLUSION

The plot was shaky at best. The amount of convenient plot devices were atrocious, much like your blatant gerund-abuse. The main character isn't very likable and was hardly like the canon character you were supposedly writing. Granted, there is room for development. Your writing was lacking in descriptiveness and commas. It was a boring read, end of story. It needs work, but it is still somewhat salvageable if you take the time and actually think it through 4/10

I rate this as a single gif. WHY!? BECAUSE YOU TOOK A GREAT CANON CHARACTER, MASHED THEM WITH YOUR OWN TEEN ANGST AND SHAT IT OUT AS IF SHE WERE SOME GODDAMN MARY FUCKING SUE OC! YOU SIR DISGUST ME! AND YOU’RE ATTEMPT AT A BLOOMING ROMANCE IS SHITTY! THE PLOTS SHITTY! EVERYTHING IS SHITTY! I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO REVIEW EVEN A SECOND MORE OF THIS SHIT I WILL FIND YOU AND STRANGLE YOU LIKE HOMER STRANGLES BART FUCKING SIMPSON! I give you my ultimate rating:

I’m calm now, anyways, that about sums my thoughts, what about you Tea?

The dialogue is incredibly unrealistic, the plot is half baked, if not completely raw. This side character has no place in Konohagakure at all but yet here we are with some idiotic and unrealistic political element that makes no sense. I give this a 1/10.

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

[itsworn]

Why Teams Chase Their Setups

Going In Circles

I had a recent déjà vu moment. I was reminded that common sense is not all that common after all. I also now understand why some teams seem to struggle year after year, sometimes having success, but mostly struggling. It’s not that they don’t care and just want to be “out there”, which I really once believed to be true. It’s because they are ignorant.

Before you jump to conclusions about using that “I- word” let me further explain. If you look up that word, it means among other things, according to Merriam-Webster, “…lack of knowledge”. An example given is, “parents ignorant of modern mathematics”.

We can substitute the word “parents” for racers in this case. Many of the teams I am referring to don’t necessarily lack specific knowledge about the race car, they just plain don’t know how to put all of that knowledge together into a package.

To be fair, I think it takes a special mind to decipher all of the various parts and pieces that go into a modern setup. The pieces must fit together like a puzzle and that is not a cheap metaphor, it is reality. To end up with a completed puzzle, one or more pieces left out ruins the whole picture.

So, how does a team that cannot put the pieces together get around this dilemma? They have to collectively agree to allow someone outside the team that can come in and put it all together for them. This is asking a lot and most egos will not allow such an intrusion. There, I have gotten to the root of the problem, egos.

Many teams have what I loosely refer to as “mentors” who might be out of racing at the present time, but who have raced a lot in the past. They still want to stay engaged in racing and I think it is a wonderful thing, to a point.

So, these mentors take control of the setup aspects of the team and are mostly resistant to anyone from outside butting in, no matter how briefly the encounter. And, it doesn’t matter how strong the intruder is in their knowledge base.

I have had well-known consultants, who were many times winners in their own right and are now many times winners with younger drivers they are bringing along, tell me that certain teams, who they are friends with, just won’t take the most basic of suggestions for improvement. It frankly boggles the mind.

In this world there are givers and takers. Almost every consultant I know is a giver, or they would never be trying to help other in the first place. Most of them can’t stand by and watch a team struggle when they know how to solve the problem at hand. But they have to at times or risk a rebellion.

So, they stay friendly and stand back and observe. It’s not easy, it’s just human nature. I know that with the articles we write on the pages of CT, as well as all of the other technical writers out there trying month after month to help the racers get better and have more success, we’ll get through to only a percentage of the readers.

There is even the phenomenon of people out there having disdain for those of us who dare to tell anyone how to do anything. I don’t have patience or time for those in that category. My thought is, if you already know what we are presenting, pat yourself on the back and move on.

Where all of this is leading is this. If you are caught in a situation where you have “advisors” who are resisting change and whose ego does not allow differences of opinion just because it is a threat to their control, find a way to urge them to move on.

It’s a fairly easy thing to do, just quit listening to them and doing what they say. Their egos won’t be able to stand the rejection and they’ll find another team to dominate. Your team’s performance will improve and someone else’s will get worse. Better them than you.

If all of that seems harsh, it’s got to be even harder going year after year with no success and struggling to finish in the top five. It is entirely your choice who you associate with and who you have relationships with. Look around you and evaluate which relationships make your world better and which ones drag you down.

There is nothing we can ever do about the past and it’s not worth worrying about. But the future is an entirely different thing. We should care about it and we should make changes now to ensure our future is going to be better than our past. It’s called growth and it’s one of the reasons we are all here, not my words, but nonetheless true. Hey, it’s a whole new day, right?

If you have comments or questions about this or anything racing related, send them to my email address: chassisrd@aol.com or mail can be sent to Circle Track, Senior Tech Editor, 1733 Alton Parkway, Suite 100, Irvine, CA.

Freddie Query is a very experienced and successful driver and now consultant who mentors young drivers to success. If and when he tries to help race teams, they would do well to listen. He is one of many of us who continually get frustrated with the resistance we run into with race teams.

Setup For Bristol

Hi Bob,

I was wondering if you could point me in the right direction for a decent starting point with springs and shocks for a 3100 lb metric 4 link car for the race at Bristol? Any help would be great, thanks.

Chris Titcomb 

Chris,

If you will read my piece about Bristol, you’ll begin to understand the challenges you will face running there. Although you, in your class, won’t be experiencing the high speeds the Late Models will be seeing, you will be traveling much faster through the turns than you ever have.

That puts a lot of loading on the suspension. My suggestion for spring rates for your type of car is similar to what we did back in the day with the Late Models. Basically triple your current spring rate.

So, I think most teams running stock classes are in the range of 700-800ppi spring rates. Triple would be going to 2,000-2,400ppi springs. Since your ride height is more than the late models and your speeds lower, you might get by a little softer, but I wouldn’t go there with less than 1,800ppi or so.

The first time out, you will pay close attention to shock travels to make sure you are not in danger of contacting the track with the cross member, or god forbid the oil pan. This brings up another important design requirement, make sure the cross member is lower than the bottom of the oil pan.

The other part of the presentation about Bristol is the part about the high loading on the other components of the car besides the springs. Everything must be in very good condition like your ball joints, control arm bushings, etc. This race will test how well you, or whomever, built your car.

Cheater Motors

Back many years ago when I was living in England and had a side business of building and racing “spec” engines for various formulae we faced the same problem.  The solution was the regulations were re-written to allow any competitor to buy a “winning” engine for a fairly low fixed price.  The owner could not resist.  A refusal to sell would result in the engines owner being immediately banned from that category and losing any winner’s purse from that event.

To race in that formula you agreed your engine could be bought at the end of a race meeting for the agreed price.  The price included the “accessories” such as headers, carburetor(s), fuel and oil and water pumps.  The “seller” was responsible for the removal under the eye of the buyer at the end of a race meeting.  Sometimes the “seller” would accept the “buyers” engine in part exchange, again, for an agreed price, but mostly they wanted cash only.

The result was that people did not invest much money in clandestine upgrades as they could lose them if their engine was bought.  Likewise, people did not invest much time in labor intensive upgrades such as blueprinting, port realignments and/or polishing.  It also meant any “secret” performance modifications were quickly learned by the competition and were not secret for long.

Here’s an example.  I raced in a saloon car category that required “stock” engines.  All parts had to be as supplied from the factory without modifications, meaning no grinding or filing of parts.  I had been building Formula Ford spec engines and had a “traders’ license so that I could go to the Ford factory in Dagenham and pick through their inventory to select weight matched pistons, roods etc.

I used to take my gauges and scales with me and sift through sometimes hundreds of parts just to find, for example, four well matched rods, where the small and big ends were closely matched across all four.  Likewise with pistons, valves, etc.  You can imagine just how long you could take, especially when you had three of something and needed a fourth!  You’d have to look for multiple sets and settle for the first set of four that were “good enough”.

I always did that for a customer’s Formula Ford engine.  Careful selection could improve a standard engine from rated 72 bhp to sometimes as much as 105 or more bhp.  I only did the above once for my street saloon.  That engine was bought after the first race of the season and the next race was the following week.  I had a full time job and couldn’t afford to skip work to sit and sort Ford parts for a couple of days or longer.

However, I discovered quite by accident that if I had a carburetor gasket that was torn in just the right place and was opened up just a little as the screws were tightened down it would create a fuel “leak” between the float bowl and choke when cornering around hard right hand curves and corners.  This was good because the engine would normally starve and misfire badly at racing speeds under these conditions normally but this “extra” fuel eliminated the problem with resultant quicker lap times.

One could even “tune” the amount by careful adjustment of the gap in the “torn” gasket.  I had three relatively cheap engines bought before the secret mod was discovered and everyone soon followed suit.  When the scrutineers learned of the practice they at first banned it as an “unapproved modification” but later reinstated it for “safety” reasons, stipulating precisely where and how wide the cut could be that replaced the “tear”.

The things we racers do to find an unfair advantage.  But fixed price buying of a competitor’s engine will keep the competition even and reasonably cost effective.

Phil Grice, Carlsbad, CA

Phil,

We already have claimer classes in the US. The plan you describe might be applicable to the crate or “strictly stock” motor programs possibly. If a sanction really wanted parity, and I truly doubt that is true in some cases, then they would enact the claimer rule for “stock” and sealed motor classes. The impression most sanctions give is that they want to be fair and everyone on the same performance level as to motors. Well then, let them claim. I won’t hold my breath on that one.

Outlaw Grill Openings

Bob,

I have noticed that a lot of outlaw asphalt Late Models don’t have any grille openings on the front of them and they pull air from the bottom of the duct work to cool the car instead of the front. Is there a reason why most pro/super late model guys don’t do this?

Would it not increase front downforce since the grille opening would be covered? This is just something I have noticed and wanted your input on the concept. The only drawback I see to this design is the duct work would be like a vacuum and suck all the trash off the race track. If you could help me out with input that would be great.

Thanks, Michael Murray

Michael,

I’m not sure what you are referring to, every outlaw late model I see has a grill opening in the front. If the body is black and the hole, screen and trim is black, it is very hard to see, but it is there, it has to be. Look much lower and you’ll see it.

What many racers have discovered is that they don’t need as big an opening as was previously thought. It helps to be out in the lead where you can get clean, undisturbed air to cool the motor. So, these openings find a way of moving lower and becoming smaller.

Torque Arm Systems

Hello

We are now in our closed season and are looking into our rear end setup. I’ve just read your article on mounting the 3rd link offset to help load the tires evenly through anti-squat. We currently run a three link system with a panhard rod. I’ve been looking but can’t find a article you’ve done on torque arms.

Is there any advantage on a torque arm system over a 3rd link? I’m trying to achieve more bite off the corners but can’t find good enough info to tell how the torque arm would work on circle track racing as they are all on old muscle cars.  Any info you might have would be great before we start altering bits about.

Thanks Carl

Carl,

There is a current stampede to find more rear grip for accelerating off the corners. At the Speedweeks show this past February at New Smyrna Speedway in Daytona Beach, we saw cars with huge amounts of bite off the corners. It seems like the more bite you can get, the quicker you can get back to the throttle coming off the corners.

As for the old muscle cars using torque arms, most of those are leaf spring cars and the use of torque arms or what used to be called traction bars was to prevent wrapping up of the leaf springs. I had a friend back in the day who hit third gear in his highly modified Nomad and pulled the driveshaft out of the tranny. My first engineering job on hot rods was to design traction bars for his car. It solved the problem.

In my article on traction in this issue, I explain in some detail the problem with un-equal loading of the rear tires due to load transfer. We can therefore go to what used to be thought of as “extremes”, but now know as necessary, lengths to add load to the left rear tire.

Any device or method that can get that done is worth looking into. There are two basic goals for adding bite for better acceleration. One is torque absorbing and this can be done with spring or rubber pull bars, torque arms, lift arms, etc. This method takes the shock of initial throttle application out of the tire and puts it in the device.

The other is the redistribution of rear tire loading and that is what we discussed in the current article. Both help gain forward bite, so keep looking around and incorporate the systems you think will work best for your application.

The post Why Teams Chase Their Setups appeared first on Hot Rod Network.

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[11degreesofsvijany]

24 hours in the eternal city...

A few weeks ago I was discussing unusual travel ideas with one of my classes and one group of students came up with the idea of ‘7 days, 7 countries, 7 flights’. It intrigued me and after fiddling around with the kiwi app for a bit I realised that by taking the cheapest flight of the day from almost any airport Ryanair fly from you could easily fly for £10-£20 a day max. I set myself this challenge for sometime in 2017 and tweaked it a little. The rules will be that every day has to be a different country and the countries can’t be chosen, I’d have to choose the cheapest available flight for each day from wherever I am. Radka agreed to do it with me. I spent hours choosing different dates and seeing what potential itineraries arose and it was quite fascinating. This quick visit to Rome was a bit of a dry run to see how it would work flying to and from one city in 24 hours and actually seeing something. It was very helpful.

Radka and I teach in different regions which means our half term holidays are different weeks. The reason for that is to ensure the ski areas aren’t too busy. Since I now only teach at the school one day a week that’s the only holiday I get whereas she gets a week! Radka planned a ski trip with cousins etc for her time off and I was quite jealous so she told me to use my day off and go on a trip. I think she had a trip to the zoo or a day trip to a ski slope in mind but I booked a flight to Rome instead.

My flight was about £56 return which wasn’t as cheap as the 7 day trip will be but I booked it late, 14 days ago. The 7 day trip will be booked a few months in advance. I left the flat early on Tuesday morning in order to make my 7:10am flight from Prague to Rome Ciampino airport. A quick breakfast at the airport was ruined a little because I could only chew on the right side of my mouth. Radka cooked some beef on Monday night and it was so tough it sent shooting pain through my mouth and caused the teeth on my left side to be out of use.

I used to hate Ryanair but over the last three years they really have changed for the better. They ended the ‘we don’t care, your flight was cheap’ attitude and put all their efforts into customer service. As usual there was a mile long queue 40 mins before boarding. Why do people do this? Ryanair give allocated seats these days anyway. Completely pointless. I waited until the queue had died down and made my way onto the air bridge to the slow moving queue boarding the plane. That’s when someone farted. These air bridges are quite small spaces and it was bloody awful. I was almost certain I knew who the culprit was but all I could do was grimace and try to look as innocent as possible whilst shaking my head.

I found my seat, put my small cabin bag into the overhead locker and sat down. A young Italian steward called Giuseppe then tapped me on the shoulder, took my bag out of the overhead and asked if I would put it under my seat. He looked like he would have cried if I’d said no so I reluctantly agreed and spent the flight with little to zero leg room. Giuseppe was literally about 4 foot tall and probably has no idea how it feels to be 6 foot tall on a Ryanair flight even without a suitcase shoved into your leg stretching area.

The flight was a little bumpy but after about 70 minutes we were making our descent. I am one of those people who suffer with ear pain as the plane descends, sometimes worse than others followed by half a day being deaf in my left ear. The worst I ever experienced was on a flight to Sydney in 2006. I’d been given a free upgrade to business class so I had one of those bed things but there’s a rule in Sydney where they can’t fly below a certain altitude until 5am. My plane had an expected arrival of 5:05am so at 4:58 the pilot did a huge nosedive. We dropped thousands of feet in seconds.My ears were exploding so badly that I threw a tin of altoids against the wall in front of me and my water bottle completely crushed itself under the pressure. This wasn’t quite as bad as that and I was deaf but nowhere near an altoid throwing level of pain.

One thing that does my head in on planes is that as soon as the wheels touch the tarmac you hear seat belts unbuckling despite frantic calls from the cabin crew not to. Who are these fu**ing morons!? Then came a moment of beauty. The Italian guy sat next to me was one of these morons. He was unbuckled and taking his things from under the seat in front. As we continued down the runway the pilot did one of those harsh brakes and his head smashed into the back of the seat. He didn’t seem in pain but he knew I saw it and was embarrassed so that was enough for me.

I was out of the airport within minutes, one of the beauties of schengen travel. Unfortunately this is where the fun started...

If you’ve ever been to Rome Ciampino airport you probably know the issue I had next. The trip from the airport to the centre of Rome is 17km...no big deal. Unfortunately, actually getting there IS a big deal. There are three options. Take a taxi for a fixed price of 30 euro (pointless as that’s more than half the price of the flight), take a shuttle bus for 5 euro or use public transport for 3 euro. I was in the arrival hall at 9am and was quite relaxed. I walked over to the 2 shuttle bus desks and was quite surprised to see that one of them had ‘next bus 10:30am’ and the other ‘next bus 11:00am’. What the hell was I supposed to do in the arrivals hall for all that time!? I then joined the huge queue for public transport tickets only to spot in the corner of my eye the hundreds of people waiting at the bus stop. Way too many people for a bus. There was no way this was going to end well as the bus came every 40 minutes. Ridiculous! I walked back and forward for about ten minutes hoping for some miracle. Surely there must be an easier way to get to the city!? Mental. I knew the public transport method was a 5 minute bus from the airport to a local train station followed by a train into the city do I thought I’d ask a taxi driver how much for the 3km journey to the station. I didn’t want to spend 8-10 euro on a taxi but needs must. I wasn’t too bothered.

“Taxi?”

“How much to Ciampino train station?”

“Ciampino station? errrrm, twenty five euro”

“Oh, no thanks”

Robbing bastards. I was quite stressed at this point so I thought ‘F**k this!’, grabbed by little case and set off walking out of the airport grounds. I’d read a forum post on trip advisor saying this was possible if ‘you don’t mind a bit of walking’. Well, I didn’t mind a bit of walking and my case wasn’t exactly heavy so I went for it. It was only 3km to the nearest village according to google maps, how bad could it be? Incredibly bad would be the most accurate answer.

The issue was that there were no pavements. I was wearing my nice brown boots and casual blue trousers. I wasn’t dressed for off road hiking. The first part of the walk had me walking into oncoming traffic on a very busy road. There was a thick white line which cars ‘shouldn’t’ cross which gave me some walking space but motorcyclists tended to ignore this so every time I saw one approaching I had to hop up onto the grass verge to escape death.

I felt like such an idiot. I was without doubt the only person attempting this. I was thinking about the author of the forum post through gritted teeth. The road seemed to go on forever. At one point I thought I’d taken the wrong road and it was just going to turn into a motorway. Was I just walking to Milan? Eventually there was an intersection and I knew I had to turn left onto the next road. This one was even worse. Actually, fifty times worse. There was no space to walk on the actual road so the only option was to walk on the grass verge. This grass verge was worse than the previous one as it had some kind of ditch in the middle of it and at times the grass narrowed and the only option was to walk in the ditch. 

I continued my walk down the ditch in my nice, brown, bugatti boots and it only got worse. The grass turned into huge thorn bushes which were unavoidable. I walked through the first one and was instantly pierced by some strange black thorns all over my legs. There were also huge stones which I kept kicking hidden in the grass which was now so long that I couldn’t see the mini ditches and kept losing my footing. I could just imagine the laughs of the people in the constant stream of cars flowing past. I was sure I’d be on an Italian youtube channel later that day. After 3km of pure misery, ruined and soaked shoes and trousers I finally came across a train station. Somewhere called Casabianca.

There was nothing there. No ticket machine, no ticket office. I worked out the schedule and saw that I had about 30 minutes until the train to Rome arrived. I calculated that I’d be at Rome Termini station at 10:56am. A full 4 minutes before the 10:30am airport shuttle bus and I’d only have to pay 1.50 without having to wait in crowds of people. Win! Unfortunately I’d probably have to buy a whole new set of clothes when I got to Rome as I’d only packed 1 extra t shirt and no extra trousers. It was 17 degrees and sunny so I was sweating after that walk and my trousers were soaked. I spent the 30 minute wait assessing the damage, 28 minutes of which were spent picking individual thorns out of my trousers, coat, wrists and suitcase.

An old man turned up, looked at me, said something in Italian and smiled. I assume it was something along the lines of ‘you walked from the airport didn’t you ha ha’. A plane then took off and it was so close I probably could have just left the plane, climbed over a fence and been in exactly the same place. Very frustrating.

I booked a 1.50 online ticket from the treinitalia website, the train came on time and 15 minutes later I arrived in the centre of Rome!

I had a quick look at the prices of clothes in the shops at the train station before deciding that I didn’t want to spend 140 euros on trousers and it’s nothing that a wet cloth at the hostel wouldn’t sort out. I bought a 24 hour transport ticket and went one stop on the underground to my hostel ‘Maikol Guesthouse’ (£9.70 per night in a 4 bed mixed dorm). 

“Hello David, we’ve been waiting for you!”

It was Giuseppe from the Ryanair flight, he must have taken a taxi.

“My name is Miro, nice to meet you”

“Hi, does your brother work for Ryanair?”

“No, I no have brother. Why?”

“I don’t know, doesn’t matter”

Seriously, they were long lost twins. He was the spitting image of Giuseppe. Miro was brilliant. It was a family run place and he must have been the son. He spent a few minutes showing me where everything was on the map before giving me his mobile number in case I got into any trouble. What a guy! My room wasn’t ready so I left my bag, told him I’d come back around 3pm and headed out.

This was a short trip so I knew I couldn’t be the average Rome tourist. I wasn’t going to have any tours or see much. My plan was to have a nice walk and see some sights. I’d planned a coffee and pizza stop in some famous spots so I got the metro to Barberini square and started walking down towards the Trevi Fountain. Walking around the centre of Rome, around the side streets, is a very pleasant experience. The weather was great and everything seemed to go at a very relaxed pace.

After the Trevi fountain I walked towards the Pantheon.

I knew that my special espresso was just round the corner from there so excitement started to build. The pantheon wasn’t as busy as I remember it so I’d say this is a good time to visit Rome. I’d downloaded a podcast on the Pantheon to avoid paying for an audio guide but I switched it off after about 43 seconds. Those stupid iphone earphones don’t stay in my ear. I have to be completely still if I want to listen to something. I can’t even chew chewing gum with them never mind walk. Maybe the strange shape of my ears is connected to my ear pain on planes? I decided it was too touristy for me so I used the panoramic setting on my iphone for the first time, took a photo and left.

I had decided not to bother buying shoes but I felt a bit uncomfortable walking around Rome in my completely scratched boots. I looked so scruffy and to make things worse everyone in Rome dresses perfectly. I walked past a clarks just around the corner from Pantheon and boom, an idea. I went in and asked if they had some polish. He had some kind of neutral colour cream so I bought it (7 bloody euro). As the card transaction went through my heart sank as I realised that the tube of polish probably wasn’t 100ml or less and Ryanair wouldn’t let me take it in my little see through bag. I’d only get about 23 cents of use out of this. I went outside and checked, 120ml. Bollocks. I used it straight away and look at the difference it made! The right shoe is post cream. Spectacular...

I was quite pleased with myself now. It wasn’t perfect but it was better than before. A couple more side streets and I found my espresso place. Sant’Eustachio Il Caffè is an ancient Coffee Shop and Roaster that dates back to the thirties. I loved the place. You pay for your coffee at the till and are given a paper which you take to the bar. That’s where you get your espresso and drink it there and then. People drink and then leave. None of these student twats buying a water in starbucks and using the wifi for 3 hours. It was the best espresso I’ve ever had. Simply perfect.

After leaving the cafe I headed towards the spanish steps which meant walking back past the trevi fountain. One problem in Rome is people constantly trying to cash in on tourists by selling them all kinds of crap. Being on my own I’d largely managed to avoid this. No roses for a start. The only issue I had was being asked if I wanted to buy a selfie stick about fifteen times. I got to the spanish steps and meh...too many tourists. I took a picture and left the area as quickly as possible.

I was then approached by a girl on a segway wearing an AS Roma kit. She tried to sell me a ticket for the evening’s Serie A game vs Fiorentina but I already had one so I asked her where the nearest Roma shop was. I wanted to buy an official scarf for the game. She gave me directions which turned out to be completely wrong. I think she got her left and right confused. I was walking for 25 minutes trying to find the damn place which was in Piazza Colonna. On the way around various side streets I noticed a guinness sign. My eyes lit up. This is exactly what I needed. It was now about 13:30, I’d been on the move since 4am and a nice pint of guinness would hit the spot. I headed over to the bar.

It was closed.

I carried on walking and eventually found the Roma shop and bought my scarf (18 euro).

It was time for a snack. I read about a place online which was apparently a must visit. Bonci Pizzarium. I had to go 5 stops on the metro to ‘Cipro’ and it’s right there.

They say the owner, Gabriele Bonci, makes some of the best pizza in the world. It’s quite a strange place. There are loads of different pizza toppings on show and it’s quite difficult to understand what they are unless you speak Italian but the staff are very friendly and happy to help you out. 

The first one I chose I thought was small pieces of chicken covered in cheese.

“I’ll have this one please”

“Are you sure you want this one?”

“erm”

“It’s stomach”

“What?”

“you know, tripe”

“oh shit no I don’t want that”

He helped me choose another, I still don’t know what it was but it was absolutely amazing and i washed it down with an extra special cascadian dark ale.

If you visit Rome make sure you go there! You pay buy the kg and they slice a piece off they cut it up for you with a pair of scissors. Bizarre. I lost half of my square because of a kid. There was a couple and 2 kids stood at the table next to me outside the place and after my initial sigh the kids did what I expected them to do and started running about. Eye contact with the parents did nothing to resolve this annoyance and then one of the little twats decided to stamp her foot into the floor sending about 6 pigeons flying in my direction and I dropped what I was eating.

My next plan was to one stop on the metro to Vatican city and take a picture in St Peter’s square but my left leg had started hurting, presumably from the trek in grass verges and detours around Rome caused by the segway girl. I’m not into religion and I’ve been there before so I couldn’t be bothered and headed back to the hostel. Shame I didn’t get a picture as it’s a beautiful place but I still have this cracker of Paul from 2005...

I got back to the hostel, Miro introduced me to my new roommate.

“It good news! Russian man and he go to football too”

That was good news as I was a little worried about walking there alone. We got the pleasantries out of the way. His name was Sasha and he was the manager of a dry cleaners in Moscow. His english was broken at best but we got by with a mix of Czech-Russian-English. He poured me a beer, hostel style.

Peroni is quite a popular, and expensive beer in England. In Rome it’s the beer choice of the homeless, much like Branik in the Czech Republic. I finished my cup and left to take a quick picture of Colosseum before preparing for the game.

I love the Colosseum and it’s a place I’d really like a full tour of when I come back for longer than a day!

I went back to the hostel with 2 more beers and had a chat with Sasha. He kept starting sentences in English and then giving up because he didn’t know the words. It really started to grind.

“I know man in Moscow and he...erm...erm...ahhh...no, no...nothing”

“I very like visit erm....no....i don’t know”

In all the excitement I completely forgot about my bad tooth and I let out a squeal as I chewed my chewing gum on the left side. Sasha looked alarmed but I couldn’t be bothered explaining.

We set off to Stadio Olimpico. Not an easy task. Rome is great for coffee and food but the transportation network isn’t great compared to Prague. We took a metro to Ottaviano and had to get a bus from there or walk 3.5km. The bus came and we were like tinned sardines but we finally made it to the stadium. We were seated in different sections so I gave Sasha strict insturctions.

“Meet at this statue after the game. I will wait max 15 minutes because I have to be up early for a flight.”

He seemed to understand and i made my way to the mental security procedures of the Stadio Olimpico. Two different ticket and passport checks, 3 full body pat downs.

I went into the stadium and tried to find my seat. I’d booked online via the main ticket company in Italy. They didn’t let me choose my seat, just the stand, the famous Curva Sud. The ticket cost 30 euro which isn’t bad but isn’t cheap either. My Sparta Prague season ticket costs 40 euro. Anyway, I was a bit surprised when I did get to my seat. I sat down and this is what I could see, nothing else...

A friendly Roma fan then tapped my on the shoulder.

“It normal. You sit anywhere. Stand here at back”

So I stood at the back of the stand. The problem was my leg pain was becoming increasingly unbearable. My iphone told me I had walked 21.6km so far, 28,600 steps. It had clearly taken its toll. The pain was in the lower shin and it was getting worse. I must have aggravated something I did skiing last week. I found an open seat and had a perfect view of the rest of the game. 

An interesting thing about football in Italy. Most fans don’t drink beer. The snack bars in the stadium sell beer but each window also had 4 huge chrome espresso machines connected to each other. There were bald headed rowdy football fans just stood everywhere with tiny cups of espresso. I joined them and it was brilliant.

The match was great. Roma put in their best performance of the season to batter Fiorentina 4-0. The atmosphere in the Curva Sud was also electric. I really enjoyed the game.

Here are a couple of videos I took. First, the amazing anthem ‘Roma Roma Roma’...

The introduction of the legend, Francesco Totti...

Celebrating Edin Dzeko’s goal and the 4th for Roma. I had the camera ready for about 10 minutes to try and get a goal with the announcer saying the scorers name but I missed it because I was looking at a really fat man walking past. Anyway, I got the announcer bit...

After the game I waited 15 minutes for Sasha and nothing so I hobbled the 3.5km to the metro station on my own. The pain in my left leg was now so intense I had a huge limp and I was almost screaming in pain with every step. I thought that Sasha might have left the game early because he wasn’t a huge football fan but he wasn’t there when I got back to the room. There were, however, a couple who looked in their late 40′s. This was weird. Usually in hostels if you have a dorm it’s bunk beds. This ‘4 bed mixed dorm’ was more like a hotel room with 2 single beds and a double. 

Sasha had a single bed and I assumed the double bed would be left empty because 1)it’s weird and 2) there were no pillows on it. 

“HEY! My name’s Julio! Where you from!? This is my wife Olivia”

Handshakes, pleasantries. It was almost midnight I really wasn’t in the mood. I set my alarm for 5:30am. My flight was at 9 but I didn’t want to risk a struggle getting to the airport. I definitely wasn’t going to walk there. It was really weird being with an older couple in the same room. I’ve got nothing against older people using hostels but if you’re a couple you should be getting privates. I’d never take Radka into a dorm room. Luckily they were also ready for bed. I got in bed and started reading my phone trying not to make eye contact with my mexican roommates. The woman started whispering in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish but I assume it was something along the lines of ‘how do I get changed? Should I ask him to leave while I undress? This is weird. Why are we in a shared dorm Julio you prick!?’

I turned over to give her a chance to undress and I could hear her rapidly changing her clothes. I told Julio I’d be leaving at 5:40 and I’d try not to wake them. No problem. He seemed like a really nice guy. I tried to sleep but I was getting worried about Sasha. Had I just left him to get lost in North east Rome? Had he been jumped by a gang of Lazio fans. I’d arrived back at 11:30pm, it was now 1am and he wasn’t back. If I wake up in the morning and his bed is empty....jesus. I had visions of the Amanda Knox case. The police would blame me for his murder as I was the last to see him. I thought about escaping the country at 9am and never answering my phone to an Italian number, ever.

My fears were allayed when I heard the hostel entrance door slam. He then burst into our room and shook my hand despite the fact I was obviously trying to sleep..

“HEY DAVE! MAN FOOTBALL GREAT YES!?”

“Sasha, shh, people are sleeping there..”

“ok, wow. I stay in olimpic stadium and make pictures”

He then took 2 bottles of beer from the fridge and left. I have no idea where he went but he came in at 4am and woke me up again. Within 12 minutes he was snoring. Probably the worst snoring I’ve EVER heard. It was horrific. There was no chance I was sleeping through that. Julio was tossing and turning. I wasn’t satisfied with my 3 hours sleep. At 4:45am I’d decided I’d had enough. I got up, put my clothes on, grabbed my bag and left. I’d rather roam the streets of Rome at 5am than listen to that. He knew he was a bad snorer because he warned me within 5 minutes of meeting him but I didn’t realise it was possible to be that bad. It’s so selfish. If you have a problem like that you should be in a private room. Don’t get a dorm and stop everyone else from sleeping.

I made my way to Termini and waited for the shuttle bus. There was a family there before me and we had 40 minutes to wait so we decided to form a queue. By 5:55am there were about 15 people behind us. The bus came and everyone ignored the queue and formed a pile around the door. This pissed me off. Italians are friendly enough but they are definitely rude and arrogant. The queue is a very important aspect of British life. We invented it and we know how it works. These bastards have no respect for the queue. It was a mess. I finally got a seat on the bus and had a Czech girl in front of me with her mum who kindly reclined her seat for this mammoth 25 minute journey, crushing my legs in the process. Miserable. I couldn’t wait to get to the airport. When we arrived the recliner girl almost threw up a lung. She must have suffered from motion sickness as she was projectile vomiting into a carrier bag for about 5 minutes. Served her right for reclining her seat with a tall guy sat behind her. Unfortunately the Italian manners continued. Everyone knows that you let people in front of you get out of the seats and off the bus first. The Italians didn’t do this so I was stuck behind the girl trying my best to stop the smell of her vomit entering my nostrils.

I’m still not sold on Italian people but the coffee is amazing. Even the vending machines serve a decent cup.

I decided to wait until the plane for a coffee. Ryanair serve a Lavazza coffee in a special cup which as a built in filter in the lid. I was really looking forward to it. I had some time to kill so I decided to sit in the gate area and people watch. I love watching idiots scramble to their gates and do stupid things. It’s like a drug. I used to love watching ‘airport’ on bbc seeing all the arguments etc One guy turned up after gate closing and missed his flight to Athens. I’ve never missed a flight in my life and unless there’s a huge problem getting to the airport I don’t know how it’s possible. This guy had duty free bags in his hand so it was clearly his fault. He kept telling the woman that the plane was only there and he could go but she was having none of it. I then started looking at the cabin bags of the other passengers on my flight. Ryanair used to be really strict with the sizes but they seemed to have stopped checking. It’s a shame. I used to enjoy guessing if the bag would be turned away or not at the gate. They just let everyone through. Again, there was a panic to get on the plane first. Again, I waited until the end. This time it backfired because their big bags had taken up all the overhead locker space and there was no room for mine. They stuck a sticker on it and put it in the hold for free which meant I would have to wait at the baggage carousel in Prague. Bastards.

The flight was uneventful apart from the coffee I was looking forward to. This happened to me for the second time in the last few months. I was on row 10. There’s a drinks trolley coming from the front and one from the back. They meet, bumping into each other on rows 9 and 11. The cabin crew have a chuckle and then walk away. Completely forgetting to ask row 10 if they want anything. Second time this has happened to me!! I had to unbuckle the seat belt, rearrange and my stuff, walk to the front, interrupt their conversation and ask for a coffee. 

I was back in Prague at 11am! A very quick and mainly enjoyable trip. In conclusion I’d say the trip made me realise that whilst I’m not old I’m not as young as I was in my backpacking days and I think my days in hostel dorm rooms are over. I’ll be using privates only in future. The walking I did was definitely too much. I’m still suffering now. On the 7 day trip I have to plan better and follow the ‘less is more’ attitude in each city.

Aside from the 7 day trip I’d love to go back to Rome with Radka for a few days and explore more amazing food places, do some real tours of the sights and get another Roma match under my belt.

A great city!

[jones573]

what jack is (and isnt! he’s NOT a ‘genie’ he is VERY bitter about that comparison)

probably done being written, unless people have questions because i almost certainly forgot to address things

jack is the janitor’s cart of the universe, the broom and the bleach to make the nasty things go away. he is the caretaker of the natural order, and a destroyer of what would threaten it. but even that is too poetic. 

in actuality, he is more like the neglectful and largely uncaring supervisor of a plethora of toddlers, if the daycare facility were an abandoned ammunitions and explosives factory with a lot of improperly stored gasoline. if a sentient being blew itself up- Well. It happened sometime. And they didn’t necessarily need that wall, did they? But if things got to the point that the entire place was going to blow, or damage the structure in such a way that would cause irreparable damage, then jack (or things like him) are the ones that ensure that doesnt happen. this is largely done by monitoring how loudly the small toddlers are screaming- if someone knows they have well and truly fucked up and is projecting that in their mental state, jack checks in. and usually he lets whatever’s about to happen, happen. 

in the earliest days of the universe, jack was at his busiest. at least a couple times an epoch, some idiot would get into magic in a way it should not be gotten into, and jack intervened. but sentient beings got smarter, and magic got less accessible (perhaps the two are related, jack was not really interested in the proceedings at that point) and generally speaking, things got a lot quieter.

jack’s general state of being is one of passive hibernation- he just kinda chills out on his plane of existence and passively monitors the fuck-ups that are happening. i imagine if there were other things like him (there must have been, i suppose) they went into a deep hibernation sometime over the last several millennium, and have not risen since- perhaps their inactivity indicated they were no longer needed, and they simply ceased to exist. but jack was summoned by a shepard girl who found his ritual engraved inside a cave in the Atlas Mountains, and... well. finding livestock is absolutely in NO way anywhere near his job description but it was such an odd request and the girl’s general ‘not terrified’ attitude was interesting. (the visualization of his true form is awe-inspiring and quite alarming, but i imagine half the reason people always pissed themselves in fear when he arrived was the knowledge that they had fucked up enough for this thing to come for them)

at any rate finding livestock is not a task jack can expend his resources on but he stuck around until she had found them and found it a weird, if annoying experience, and he went back to chilling in another plane of existence. by the time he thought to check in on the girl, she had long since died (as had the livestock) and that was a bit sad and jack was unused to feeling things like ‘a bit sad’ and so he started paying attention to the little sentient critters a bit more actively. just to pass the time. and he made a few appearances here and there, even when he knew he couldnt or wouldnt do anything to assist. and he did find himself ‘assisting’ more often than he might otherwise have, finding ways to justify it to himself, and on one occasion even coaching someone on what NOT to say because so long as he wasnt directly told a certain fact or two, than he was free to act

in the arthurian age, the wizard merlin did some shit. really, quite a bit of shit- he binged jack’s radar a few times, but the clever wizard always managed to figure a way out of it before interference could be considered. but eventually merlin called him, having created something too terrible and too powerful that the wizard feared he could not control it, and that it would ruin everything he cared for

but merlin offered something in exchange for jack’s help- not completely unusual, of course. but usually it was tokens one might leave for a god entity- food and flowers and the like. but merlin asked jack to fix his mistake AND spare his life, and in return merlin would create a means for jack to become human

jack agreed, which was a terrible sign for merlin, really. generally, the unnatural or threatening thing is destroyed, as are all involved in its creation- but such an action isnt always necessary, and in this case it hadnt been. (and jack killed several that merlin cared for, but he would have had to have done that anyways, and besides, the wizard didnt mention them by name)

but merlin was true to his word, and upon his death, the great bulk of magic he had acquired over his many years was put to work powering a very complicated spell. essentially, roughly every 30 years, jack can possess a human body for about 3 or 4 months. (the times are kinda arbitrary, they can be changed if you guys feel they are too long or short or whatever. in my head the spell also is tied to jack’s own energy, so staying four months instead of three would potentially weaken him). the body must be human and must be living at the time he inhabits it. he cannot wield his powers to their full extent while a human, as his true form cannot possibly fit inside such a tiny thing, but he can fully experience everything the human body does. if he wishes to wield his powers, he must completely leave the body, though he can return to it when finished with his business. he can also use different bodies if he wishes- that’s how he ‘traveled’ in his early exploration days.

jack very much enjoyed having a human body- the novelty! the fun! but honestly he wasn’t super regular about it. sometime in maybe the 1400′s he was summoned by the young vampire he would eventually take the name Matt. matt requested that his youngest sister be spared, as her magic was uninvolved in the debacle. jack was impressed by this- not that matt had advocated for someone else, but that matt had had the guts to ask /anyone/ to be spared. matt’s people were up to some truly high-level apocalypse shit, and by all rights he would have been perfectly justified to just carve their entire territory out of the south american landmass and completely disintegrate the whole thing

but anyways. he spared them both. and checked in on them sometime later during one of his human escapades. and then kept checking in on them. he is NOT sentimental, it’s just practical, is his refrain. finding a human lover that he enjoys as much as Matt would take WORK, and they’d be weirded out by him reappearing in thirty years in a different body, and they die so often! really. he’s fond of Matt, sure. But he isn’t attached to him or anything. Dont be silly.

as i’ve mentioned, Jack can be ‘summoned’- In fact, he pretty much has to be. but ‘summon’ is a very loose term for it- the mental anguish of realizing you’ve fucked up so badly that the entire world might be in danger tends to count. way, way, way back in the day there were more formal ‘rituals’ that could be used to bring forth a visual analog of his true form for mortals to interact with, but merlin was the last to use one, and jack has destroyed any remaining instructions (that he was aware of)

unfortunately, this means that Jack can be tricked. if absolutely no one involved in a project that threatens the natural order has any inkling of the damage their activities could create, or has no feelings of regret associated with that inkling- the world could potentially end with jack being none the wiser. i imagine there are also magical protections that could be used to prevent jack from interfering if one was aware of his presence, though he has yet to come across such things and probably believes that no one could really create something that would keep HIM out of where he wanted to be

jack is also limited in what he can fix. it has to be something that is truly a threat to the natural order AND it can’t be something that the lowest form of sentience can do anything about. (this is a rule that he has justified himself down on over the ages to reach the current stage it is at, and unfortunately he cant seem to get it any lower. not that he WANTS to help, of course.)

these days he often visits suspicious folk in dreams to suss out the situation- less likely to cause a panic, and in the morning they barely remember. he appeared to a very distraught member of the Manhattan Project in a recent near-interference. and he was totally on board with making sure this thing completely stopped existing but then. the damn fool said something about their fears that the bombs would be used and... well. its not an active threat if someone just has to NOT do something, is it? and a human someone, too! and so jack told the scientist that this was something the politicians were responsible for stopping. (technically, jack already KNEW this- he cannot really be lied to, exactly. but he cannot actively know everything all at once, and intent of things is often what determines whether or not jack can act.) jack’s refusal to help- even after the bombs had been deployed and there was nothing humans or supernatural beings could do to stop them- was the source of the biggest fight jack and matt have had to date. it was also the point where matt began to realize that jack IS dangerous, and he began sharing information about jack with maria in an attempt to better understand his limits and abilities

Jack is not inherently dangerous to the average person. In his human form, supernatural beings that can ‘read’ others- by scent, auras, telepathy- will know he is wearing a borrowed body. Those more familiar with planes of existence may be aware that there is more of him hiding somewhere, just out of sight. 

most alarmed by his presence (both his true form and when he’s tied to a human body) would be people and things that are in defiance of nature. the beast creature that Merlin had created, for instance, went rigid and frothed at the mouth when he appeared, in blind panic and fear

Jack’s involvement in taking care of Dr. Rawe and his subsequent invitation to the New Year’s Day party are part of an ongoing research project started by Maria that is being kicked at by Annabelle. Clearly, he is not impartial as he claims. And he uses his biases to work around his own rules. Annabelle believes that should be harnessed.

Matt’s suggestion that Jack take care of the Dr. Rawe problem probably went something like shown below. its also highly possible that jack was aware he was being ‘manipulated’ and allowed it- he is VERY keen to meet May and ‘the friends’, so.

M: boogeyman shouldnt be able to use magic should they?

J: no, not actively at least- just drawing stuff into their lairs. processing fear, creating nightmares. thats all instinctual stuff

j: why

m: oh nothing- well. i guess a wizard that had previously been absorbed by a boogey was taking control of it. being both

j: it... shouldnt. it couldnt.

m: well, it did. went around kidnapping other magic users, forcing an actual boogey out of its lair, ripping open portals and not properly repairing them... you look pained. this isnt your ‘sort of thing’ is it?

j: ehhh i mean. its only the one?

m: i think so? i mean i guess theres no way to know unless the thing could be inspected

j: ehhhh

m: you have to be asked, don’t you?

j: i dont HAVE to be anything-ed! i am free to act as i please

m: well im asking anyways- the things a menace, and its been targeting other oddities. im sure the endangerment of some of your other ‘keep an eye on’s would pull some strings out of the rug, yes?

j: ...

m: humans certainly cant take care of it. even i would have trouble disposing of it properly. much less permanently.

j: ...okay. throw that blanket on my body, i dont want it to be all cold when i get back to it. and itll only be like, ten minutes tops, so help me if youve put your pants back on by the time ive returned