coffeecupandteatime

[coffeecupandteatime]

So...

So, after several years we’re not sure if we’ll ever restart this blog but if we do restart it we’re going to do a bit of a rehaul. My sister and I realized that by the end we became kinda bully-ish. We started this blog in late highschool/college and were very much cringing and projecting at our own old fanfics and pieces we wrote. Originally we’d make jokes at the expense of the bad writing and actively try to keep it light hearted and at least a modicum respect in a satirical sense then put constructive criticism and ways to fix it at the end. Eventually it just devolved into callously making fun of a work or thing people were probably very proud of. So assuming we all can take the time out of our lives, we might post something. Till then, I apologize on everyone's behave if we in anyway made you quit writing or hurt you. We’ve done work on ourselves and are striving to do better. 

 Till next time

Tea

[coffeecupandteatime]

Hello everyone, teatime here to update you all on our several year silence. So to put it simply, we all got super busy. We all got jobs, I’m trying to plan stuff out for a wedding, all that fun stuff. So, to put it out there, we are still sporking. We had been working on a new spork with a new friend that you guys will hopefully meet in the near future, for the past few months and are almost done with it. We’ve been working on it whenever all of us had time to spare and will be posting it up in the near future, I hope you guys are ready to have your brains melted by the god level awful thing we are about to put in front of you.

[coffeecupandteatime]

Jagerbomb’s Mini Review #3!

Welcome to the glory of watching Jagerbomb lose his shit!

ʕಠᴥಠʔ Sorry for the wait everyone, I’ve been pretty busy. Also, if you guys know of any bad short fanfics, let me know! I’ll try to review those as well!

-rubs temples- This is going to sooooo enjoyable!

Note: I’ll do the first chapters for these types of reviews, mainly to save time and my sanity. Also, because finding the stories again is a pain in the ass.

 Harriet Potter leaves the Wizarding world behind, starting a new life in the Elemental Nations. Seeing how neglected little Naruto is, she takes him in and helps him out. UzumakiHarry! FemHarry! Slight Weasley/Hermione bashing! Possible parings with Itachi, Iruka, Genma, & Kakashi.

Female Harry?… Ooooooookay then!  ʕ.ᴥ.ʔ I can already tell I’m going to enjoy this.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not Harry Potter, not Naruto, not anything else I might mention.

ʕಠᴥಠʔ Well, we can kinda tell you don’t own either, or else they would be shitfests.

Note: I have no Beta and edit everything myself, so if I made a mistake somewhere kindly point it out. I usually write on my phone and edit at 2am so I tend to miss things.

Hmm, well since you told us this beforehand, I can be a littler nicer.  ʕ0ᴥ0ʔ But mark my words, that doesn’t mean much with me.

Leaving the Wizarding World

And diving straight into the trashcan.

Harriet screamed and woke up a sweaty mess, the dreams were getting worse.

Like my need to drink right now.

Eerie morning light filtered through the ratty curtains and she flopped back onto the mattress in irritation. It was much earlier than she had intended to wake up but she was unable to fall asleep again, nightmares would do that to a person.

Wanna get some sleep, kid? Try chugging a bottle of Smirnoff, you’ll go right the fuck to sleep, trust the bear. ʕಠᴥ~ʔ

She sluggishly walked to the bathroom, shuddering at the coldness of the house, before turning on the tap and splashing her face with water.

Is the water hot? Warm? Cold? Why the hell is she splashing water on her face in a cold house?? ANSWER ME!  ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Checking herself out in the mirror, she felt a surge of triumph that she had finally taken corrective measures for her eyes. She no longer had to wear those hideous ill-fitting glasses that she grew up with, without them her emerald eyes shone brightly.

ʕ°ᴥ°ʔ Even though those round ass glasses are pretty important to Harry as a character. You suuuuure this is just a genderbend and NOT an OC?

Her aunt had always taken vindictive pleasure in making her look ugly. Harriet supposed she was taking on all the animosity her Aunt felt toward Lily. Harriet was starved for years, making sure she never measured up to her voluptuous perfect ten of a mother.

I don’t know there, Lily wasn’t exactly a ten… Or voluptuous...

Aunt Petunia also forced Harriet to keep her red tresses cropped short. The more it stuck up like an untidy boy's hair, the happier that vile woman had been. Due to her

Okay, why is her hair red instead of black? I get it’s female Harry, but with red hair it sounds more like his made up sister then Harry himself...

horrendous nest of hair and those vile glasses, her looks were often compared to James' instead of Lily's, even if she had her mother's coloring. Before leaving Hogwarts for the summer, Harriet would chop off her hair till it was as short as the beginning of the year. She had no choice, if the Dursley's had known she let her hair grow during the school year they would have beaten her savagely.

Whoa whoa whoa! Whoa! When the hell did the Dursley’s even fucking beat Harry? What the hell with people making the Dursley’s beat Harry and the village attack Naruto?! What the fuck people! ʕ╯ಠ益ಠʔ╯︵ ┻━┻

She learned to choose her battles carefully once she realized no one would be coming to save her.

-Deep breath slow exhale-.....I’m going to assume this author hates Ron and Hermione.

Harriet raised herself, she could live just fine on her own. She knew how to ration food and mange hunger, how to find a quick hiding place, how to keep secrets, and when to run away.

.,. You spelt manage wrong there buddy.

She learned early on to fear adults

Something no child should learn. Fuck oooooooff.

and had come to expect it, but it wasn't until she met Albus Dumbledore that she was exposed to ruthless manipulations.

Okay, been awhile since I read or watched HP, but why the hell is Albus always a manipulative CUCKOLD in these stories!? WHAT THE HELL!?!

Harriet shook off the feelings that came with letting herself dwell on the dead wizard, and shivered as she got dressed for the day. Today was important. Today she was finally going to do something about the gradual feelings she had been having. Ever since she had destroyed the horcrux in her scar, she no longer felt like she belonged in this world and it was an extremely troubling feeling.

This author has successfully said “Fuck canon!” \ʕ◕0◕ʔ/ WOO!

For the last five years, following the end of the wizarding war, Harriet Potter had been having dreams about the Veil of Death in the Department of Mysteries.

Didn’t you call them nightmares before? Also she’s been like this for FIVE YEARS and is just NOW doing something about it? Alright, pouring a drink.

Make Jager drink +1!

She could still remember the whispers that had called out to her the day Sirius had fallen through, they haunted her dreams. She would often wake up in the middle of the night in tears, her soul filled with a desperate longing to see the other side.

The other side of the Veil or of the bottle when it’s empty?

She knew it was some sort of gateway, the dreams told her that much.

Listen to your dreams kid! Even if they lead to certain death! \ʕ◕0◕ʔ/

The whispers in her dreams became clearer recently and talked about other worlds, new life, and a fresh start. Five years of the same dream and she'd finally given in, the voices had lured her in, and she was going through the veil to find peace.

I hope peace is where poorly genderbent *coughs*OCS*coughs* characters go when their unwanted.

She bitterly recalled the night she finally decided to finally act, it had been a couple months ago on her twenty-second birthday. Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had been visiting her for her birthday. Hermione, as usual, had been lecturing her about her lack of public appearances and was subtly trying to steer her towards going on a date with Percy Weasely, who was still a pompous ponce, when Ron apparently had enough.

Yep! Harry’s already genderbent, let’s throw in some OOCness for the others!

OOC Syndrome is wherever I go. ʕ;-;ʔ

"Look mate, it's not like you've much of a choice anyway. Dumbledore signed a marriage contract-

What in the ever living fuck in the bowels of hel-

Make Jager drink +1!

That’s 2! TWO!

-between you two while he was your magical guardian, so I reckon it's still binding. Percy's been waiting patiently for you, giving you time while he concentrated on his career. He'd hoped that by now you'd grow up a little and at least let him take you out." said Ron coldly.

Why do people INSIST on making Ron the biggest asshole alive?

Absolutely shocked over what she just heard-

You’re not the only one, hun. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

, it took Harriet a moment to compose herself while turning toward Ginny. "Is he serious? Your parents and Dumbledore secretly signed this marriage contract?"

Something's telling me it wasn’t a secret. Also what’s the reason for said marriage…?

"Not secretly," Ginny rolled her eyes. "Everyone knew about it. I thought you did too, why else did you never date anybody? Why do you think Order members always look at Percy and ask his opinion on matters concerning you? We never thought Dumbledore wouldn't tell you."

How the hell did she not hear about this? AUTHOR EXPLAIN!

"Right. Not a secret, but somehow I never got wind of it. It never came up...in the past twelve years?" Harriet said evenly, but the books on the shelves were beginning to shake.

TWELVE YEARS!? Was ‘Harriet’ living under a goddamn ROCK!?

They all looked slightly alarmed at that, and Hermione made the mistake of meeting her eyes. Harriet had become a fairly accomplished legilimens.

ʕ◕0◕ʔ The fuck is that? 

After her crap occlumency skills had gotten Sirius killed, she tried to hone the skill but was only mediocre at it.

For once the main character isn’t good at something that killed a relative.

Legilimency was where she shone, she was a natural at it and it was easy to become even greater than Snape. So when Hermione looked at her in alarm, Harriet saw everything.

Sooooo Legilimency is basically “LOOK INTO MY EYES CHILD AND TELL ME EVERYTHING!”? The hell is this, an anime?

She saw conniving whispers and conspiracy in the depths of her eyes. She had enough, Merlin's sake, Hermione knew, and she wasn't even a Weasley. They hadn't bothered to warn her, they were no friends of hers.

I get it’s magic, but how can you see all that with a simple glance in the eyes? ʕ-,-ʔ I’m calling laziness of Rowling's part.

Her green eyes hardened. "I'll speak to a Goblin about this situation, but you should know that a marriage is not happening. I'll see Percy dead before I risk my magic, and if I find anyone tampering with my future, I will end them. Now get out."

Again, this ‘Harriet’ shouts more ‘OC’ than ‘Genderbend”.

The lying trio eyed each other anxiously, they had seen glimpses of Harriet's ruthlessness during the war, but it was frightening to have it focused on them. Her usual friendly attitude had been replaced by an icy focus. Ginny warily nodded at Harriet and headed for the front door, Ron trailing after her, but Hermione hesitated. She reached toward the green eyed girl, but Harriet flinched away. Hermione sighed and said, "Harriet, don't make a mistake. You're practically a Weasley already, this would only make it legal. Besides, Percy is very responsible. You could use somebody like that, I can't always be there to-"

Annnnnnnd here’s the OOCness for Hermione.

Harriet wanted to rant at her when all at once, her anger left her, leaving her nothing but cold amusement.

So is this Harry or ‘Harriet’ or just  pure OOCness?

Hermione didn't know it but she had just give Harriet the sign she had been waiting for. She had been iffy on acting upon her dreams, but this was the final straw.

If you need more straws, I got some left over from a wicked party last-Oh, wrong kinda straw.  ʕ.,.ʔ Whoops.

"Always be there?" she answered mockingly. "You and Ron ditched me often enough. Luna was the one who was always there, till the very end. You and Ron abandoned me when I was hunting for horcruxes. I was alone, injured, wandless and-"

Yes, my child, let it all out.

Hermione puffed up like a toad,

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! THAT LEGITIMATELY MADE ME LAUGH!

reminding her of Umbridge for one hilarious moment, before letting out an aggravated huff. "I thought you were over that!"

.,. How the hell is ANYONE gonna forget shit like that?

Make Jager drink +2

THAT’S FOUR! FOUR!!

In a soft, cold voice she whispered, "I will never 'get over that'. You were never there when it counted. You and Ron would take the first couple of steps with me, but always gave up when things got complicated. Hell, the only reason you two and Ginny stuck around for the Department of Mysteries fiasco was because you didn't want to get shown up by Luna and Neville."

I love Luna and Neville, <3

Hermione scowled, but didn't disagree. "You know," she said haughtily, "I don't know what's happened to you. If you don't get your act together and stop being so moody, you won't have any friends left."

Letting out a bitter laugh, the dark-haired

But earlier you said her hair was red….CONSISTANCY AUTHOR! LEARN IT!

girl stared at Hermione with grim finality and a touch of sadness. "My true friends died during the Final Battle, fighting for what they believed in. You're just a cheap replacement."

All my friends are deeead! All my friends a dead! 

Was that too soon? ʕ° ͟ل͜ ͡°ʔ

Finally done reminiscing, Harriet pulled her hair up in a high bun. Today she was leaving. She felt a tingle of excitement as she quickly dressed herself in inconspicuous clothes. She had planned and prepared for this, but knew that chance played a role in all her adventures. The odds were against her, but she had won against them before.

She was a independent black woman now.

Harriet had prepared nearly everything well in advance. She gazed speculatively at the vial of Felix Felicis that had been 'bought' from Draco Malfoy.

Don’t be a sex thing, don’t be stealing, don’t be some cheap friendship crap.

He had earned his potions mastery after the war and became a friend.

FUCK!  ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Draco had given her the liquid luck in exchange for Grimmauld Place, who he was going to gift to his mother. Draco and Daphne were about to become the richest family in Britain, she was leaving all her wealth to them as a surprise for being the only people she had left.

…..What. In. The. FUCK!?

 Make Jager drink +10!

FOURTEEN MOTHERFUCKER! FOURTEEN!

With a sense of awe, she opened the vial and drained the golden potion to the last drop, smiling triumphantly as she felt the magic flow through her.

So liquid luck. Is that like a drug or some kinda Irish brew? Cos I’ll take some!

The witch entered the atrium of the Ministry, making herself invisible with her handy dandy cloak.

“I got my handy dandy notebook!” Harriet said as a blue dog appears.

Harriet thought she would at least feel nostalgic as she looked about this world for the last time, but she felt nothing but desperation to get away. She detested her place in the wizarding community, where she was alternately hated and glorified on the whims of the sheeple.

Hated? Glorified I could understand, but hated? What did Harry/Whoever the fuck this is, do to deserve that.

When she approached the Veil that had swallowed up her godfather, she didn't feel the same heartbreak she had experienced in its presence before.

FEELINGS ARE FOR THE WEAK!

Instead she eyed the archway speculatively. What world was she going to go to?

The reader’s already know that answer, they had to rifle through fanfictions to find this thing. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

Did Sirius go to the same one? Did time run differently there, was she going to be able to see him? The possibilities were limitless. Or maybe she would die like everyone else thought happened? However, Harriet had always trusted her instincts, so she took a deep breath, and stepped through the Veil.

Lesson of the story kids: ALWAYS trust your instincts when they tell you to jump into a weird ass portal! FOR ADVENTURE!

Up next: Harry meets Death and an old friend!

Welp we’ll never know since I ain’t revisiting.

Question: What should Harry's name in Naruto be? When you review, drop a name and tell me why! I'm partial to Hikari (light) and Misaki (beautiful blossom)

ʕ.,.ʔ Wot.

Conclusion!

3.5/10 for trying.

Anyways! That was… Fuck, can’t remember the title, I made this file a long time ago, Uh. I should really start writing down the stories I review… Anyways, it wasn’t bad nor good, it was okay. I don’t see the reasoning for making Harry female and OOC, or the rest of the characters OOC, other than to have a reason for ‘her’ to go to the Naruto World.

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #6

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

Ahhhhh, it’s that time of the year again, when the summer air is crisp, and we’re all stuck inside reading reviews on awful fanfics. ʕಠᴥಠʔ My mother always said I had no life.

I haven’t had a life since I found the internet.

Yes we know that Coffee.

None of us have had lives since the internet. Let’s just put that out there now.

You make a compelling point sir. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Now shall we begin the shitstorm?

Shit parade is a better description.

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this personally.

Hey … I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. I kind of helped my sister have a party at our house and it went really wild.

Suuuuuure you did pal. Ya sure you weren’t just thinking of quitting? Cos I’m sure many people would love that. ʕ° ͟ل͜ ͡°ʔ

My parents came home the next morning and we got grounded for having alcohol at the party. At the party, some stupid kids broke some of my mom's porcelain dolls and the vase that contained my grandmother's ashes was also broken. So not only did my sister get grounded for a year, but I, who wasn't even at the party got grounded as well.

OBJECTION! That’s a contradiction! You just stated “it went really wild”, implying you were there! *slams hands on desk* Isn’t that right?!

What the fuck? Who gets mad over porcelain dolls breaking? Those things are creepy as hell.  Also she HELPED her sister have the party so there’s that too.

Avid collectors get mad and not to mention her grandma’s ashes were spilled all over the floor.  

I’d be a little mad if someone busted the vase with grandma’s ashes.

I understand that part, just not the dolls.

And that's why I haven't updated. No laptop, TV, Ipod, phone, DS, and no Hot Cheetos or Starbucks!

You sound oh so very stereotypically white right now.

“OH NO! Things I can totally live without but depend on!”

Ouch. Right in the entitlements…

I’m sure none of those things wanted to be associated with you.

My mom also signed me up for ballet. So guess what I spent my time doing after school and during the summer.

Come on kid, ballet isn’t bad, it’s fun once you get past the clumsiness.

Anyway, now I have some of my freedom back. Before I quit ballet, I stuck the finger to the evil teacher and walked out of there like a boss! Yeah... no.

That would get you another month of grounding if you were my child.

Much worse would happen to her if that were my spawn.

I’m not having kids if they're always like this brat.

That would be extremely rude.

You say as if you cared.

I’m sure she does Coff.

Yeah, no she doesn’t.

And another reason I haven't updated was because Katherine's story takes place after the whole war with the giants and I didn't know if the camps were going to come together and change the name or something like that.

Oh, good. Then I take back my previous comment. She’s still a special-snowflake (bitch) daughter of Poseidon, but at least she’s not fucking up the prophecy. She’s just gonna fuck everything else up.

The daughter of Poseidemort who ran over a MINOTAUR and uses the knife game to punish her brother.

Special snowflakes galore.

MY MAMA SAYS I’M SPECIAL!

So when the book came out, I read it but I couldn't start writing a chapter. Well, here's the fourth chapter. Oh wait, remember how in the first chapter it say winter? Well I'm changing it to the summer

‘Scuse me? You’re just gonna… change the a fairly major element of the story with an author’s note? Instead of, y’know, editing???

And why not just keep it going and be lazy and call it an ‘AU’? Anyone can do that.

That would be too much effort, that’s why.

I sighed. It had been a week since we left the house. So many of those… things had come after us.

What things? You mean monsters?

What monsters? We never saw anything except the Minotaur which was run over and never heard from again.

Clearly we’re running from he must not be named.

Poseidemort

That old lady that had grown wings,

WHAT OLD LADY? Is there something happening off-screen we don’t know about??

All we ever got about the FURY was a SINGLE screech.

Just gonna dump her in here apparently.

the man/animal that had horns and was unbelievably strong,

Which was never shown, because they flattened it with a car.

Correction, attempted to flatten it with a car. It didn’t die and didn’t try to kill them although they sat on top of it for like 5 minutes.

What man/animal with horns? You know how many monsters fit that description? ʕಠ益ಠʔ

and that weird big hairless dog.

Please stop acting like we actually saw any of this.

I thought hellhounds had fur tho.

They do but she clearly doesn’t know her Greek monsters.

ʕಠ益ಠʔ That makes me angry.

It’s fine! Because we never saw this at all in context with the story.

My mom had names for them. That old lady with the wings was a fury, the man/animal thing with horns was a minotaur And the big dog thing is a hellhound.

A hellhound isn’t hairless you fop.  

This could have been put into the previous sentence but instead you continue to waste my time with your unneeded prose.

That’d be too easy.

My mom had always wanted us to get into the whole Greek and Roman myths about the gods. Never really sparked my interest. But my mom did make me take Latin. I hated it but I put up with it for her.

I’m sorry, WHAT?!? You’re a Greek demi-twit, you should be learning, guess what, GREEK!

Latin is not Greek.

Plot twist: MC isn’t a Demigod, she was adopted and Angel’s the true Demigod.

The only twist I would gladly accept.

So anyway, we have traveled from Beverly Hills to New York in a week in a would have been here earlier but we spent a whole day shopping for clothes.

“We’re being chased by monsters, but that’s okay! We can spend an entire day shopping without incident! Hooray, materialism!”

Lord forbid shopping gets compromised. ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Shoes, pants, a backpack for each of us, lady things, shirts, sweaters and jackets, underwear, tank tops, socks etc.

Yet you wasted time to compile a shortlist of the shit you bought. You could just say you bought the essentials.  

We’re off to a good start…

Lady things, yet you have underwear separately. ʕಠᴥಠʔ╭∩╮cool.

Um, do I have to explain what lady things are Jager?

Well if MC can try to get her brother and friend to basically fuck, ‘lady things’ shouldn’t be that bad. Just saying.

I’m surprised you don’t know already.

We stopped by hotels every morning to shower. That's why we took so long.

In the previous sentence you mentioned wasting an entire day shopping. I’m pretty confident that it contributed.

Tea, the author has no concept of time.

But now we're here. Sitting in a Starbucks. Sipping our frappuccinos as my mom babbles on and on about this camp.

I’m starting to sense a pattern with you....

Is urgency lost on you? Whatever is chasing you, I hope it smashes you into bloody paste leaving Angel alive to arrive at camp so we don’t have to deal with your drivel.

Apparently it is. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

Camp Half-Blood or something.

Good to know you’re paying attention to this crucial information concerning your safety and well-being.

I’m surprised she hasn’t tried getting Emily to hook up with the monsters to distract them.

She probably would if she thought it would let them live.

Gonna get that big ol’ Minotaur horn if ya know what I mean C;

I don’t.

Ahh, innocent Coffee. You’ll figure it out when you’re older.

This is about as old as I’m gonna get.

It's dark as we leave the cozy coffee shop. I instantly miss the smell of caffeine.

How the hell can you smell caffeine?

ʕ.ᴥ.ʔ Welp. The power of being a Sue lets you smell the impossible.

I don’t have enough caffeine in my system to deal with this shit.

That’s like saying I can smell yeast before it ferments.

As we make our way to the car, I notice a huge black cloud in the sky. I can see light flash inside it. Lightning.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

You act like you’ve never seen a storm before. Oh and we are once again copying Percy’s how-I-got-here story.

She probably hasn’t since her life was so ‘perfect’ before.

I open my mouth to-

Spout more idiotic bullshit? Bitch about Angel?

tell them about the cloud when Emily looks up at me. I know she noticed it. She's probably gonna end up clutching my side halfway through our ride to this camp. She's always been afraid of lightning.

Oh no. So scary. Much terrified.

Show that she’s afraid of it, don’t state it to the audience.

All Knowing Sue strikes again.

She feels that it will kill her.

SMITE HER ZEUS!

DAMMIT COFFEE! NOTHING WILL SAVE US! NOT EVEN THE PAN!

And she doesn't like airplanes or anything that involves lightning or being above the ground. She's never been on a swing since she doesn't like her feet not touching the ground or something that is touching the ground.

Show not tell, show not tell, shOW NOT TELL.

You’re gonna flip shit when you read who her mom is. Anyway, it’s apparently supposed to “contribute” to her fear of Zeus.

If it’s not Aphrodite I’ll be very disappointed.

Her only exception is the ocean since that's where we feel at home

I get why a child of Poseidon feels safe, but why Emily? We don’t know her. Nor do we care anymore.

I have a bad feeling about her god-parent…

Don’t got many choices.

I’m going to bet that her mother is a goddess who can’t/won’t have mortal children.

, so she feels safe with us. We get in the car and my mom starts driving. I hear thunder and I feel someone clutching my arm really hard.

So much so that she renders flesh from bone.

Coffee. What did I say.

I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SEE HER DIE.

IT WON’T SAVE US! THEN EMILY WILL TAKE OVER!

I MUST TRY! NO MATTER HOW FUTILE!

" Emily, that hurts." I say annoyed.

“Ow, pain. I fractured my ability to emote.”

Please kill her.

She could emote in the first place?

" Sorry." She loosens her grip. My arm can breath again.

I wasn’t aware your arm had breathing capabilities.

Does it have nostrils that we don’t see?

The arm has the most character development in this story.

" Emily, sweetie, nothing is going to happen to you. Besides, your mom will protect you.

“Ah, yes. My mother that I know nothing about and who has practically abandoned me. That’s comforting.”

“Bah you’ll get used to it.”

She would never let anything happen to you. Just like Angel and Kat's father would never let anything happen to I'm here."

If Poseidon never let anything happen to his demi-spawn this entire story would not exist.

Exactly. Thank you Coffee.

Emily just nodded when my looked at her through the rear mirror. Anyone could see that Emily didn't believe her and she was still afraid.

I can’t see anything with your lousy writing.

So much for those classes am I right guys?

" How about some music? That always soothes you." Angel put on the radio.

Why are we suddenly being formal in speech?

You know what would soothe me?

These fuckers dying?

In a fiery car crash.

Noooooooooo, why a fucking song. Why do you have to write out the song!

Cause raisins.

" If I die young, bury me in satin

I’ll bury you all right, but it will sure as hell not be in satin.

Maybe in an inferno.

That might work. Though someone might dig her up.

Lay me down on a bed of roses

If you don’t mind the napalm under it.

A good old fashioned bonfire.

That’d be to easy. Slowly lower her onto a bed of rusty nails.

Sink me in a river at dawn

Hon, even if you didn’t die I’d still drown you in a river.

She can breathe in water though.

FUCK.

AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! Can she breath in acid?

Send me away with the words of a love song

With the lyrics describing your imminent demise.

Nobody loves you.

Not even the knives.

Uh oh, uh oh

That’s how I feel about this entire fic.

That’s me everyday of my life.

Lord make me a rainbow,

Lord, please don’t.

I second that.

I'll shine down on my mother

With a death ray.

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Preparing weapon: 80%.

She'll know I'm safe

Now that you’re no longer a nuisance.

Now a thorn in God’s side.

Poor God.

with you when she stands under my colors,

I bet your colors are about the same as your emotional spectrum.

A dull gray, slightly darker dull grey and and an even darker dull grey.

Don‘t insult grey.

Oh yeah. And purple.

You leave purple out of this.

oh,

“I finally realized this whole story was a mistake.”

Nah, I doubt Author ever thought that.

And life ain't always what you think it ought to be,

Like this story.

Clearly. I thought this was supposed to be a story.

I thought I was sober.

No

Is what I said when I was told we were going to continue reading.

Yeah, I’m never sober.

Ain't even grey,

Oh, look! Your emotional spectrum!

Huzaaaaaah!

but she buries her baby

Finally putting that whiny brat in the ground!

Yaaaaaay!

The sharp knife of a short life,

*hides knife* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Quick protect Angel!

oh well

That’s what the author said before publishing this trash parade.

That’s what I said while looking at the last bottle.

I've had just enou-"

I’ve had enough of this shit too.

-Promptly swings door open and leaves-

Fuck this shit, I’m out!

Mom turned it off.

SWEET FREEDOM!

“Now that we’re done with those ominous implications…”

" Maybe we should do something else instead of listen to the radio. How about I tell you kids more about Camp Halfblood?"

“Obviously, no one was listening to me about it before.”

“Listen here you little shits! You’re going to camp!”

I feel like the author is now trying really hard to make mom explain things.

" Your father always wanted you to go to this camp since you were babies. He kept visiting me, telling me how it wasn't safe for you anywhere but the camp. I told him off, saying that nothing bad would ever happen to you as long as I was alive.

“Of course, I, a mortal woman, would know more about this sort of thing than a Greek god.”

Totally not Percy’s story.

Percy’s mother was worried and knew she would only be able to protect him so much and Sally knew her limits. She’s making her sound like “I can protect my kids by myself. I won’t get killed with a simple flick of the wrist.”. That’s fucking foolish.

And your father, Emily, he promised your mother he would guard you with his life.

“I can’t imagine why he would do that. It’s not like Greek gods avoid their children.”

“Mom, was dad just a one nighter?”

Her mom just left a note though, how the hell would he promise that? The gods don’t normally tell the mortal partner that they’re a god.

I don't think he ever told you this but one night, when you were about 10, he found your mother standing over your bed, crying quietly. He told me that she told him that all she could think about was you.

And he told you this, but not his daughter..? I see where Katherine’s omniscience comes from.

Damn genetics. Fuckers.

You guys may think that the parent that left you didn't care, but they did.

Except they don’t, because they are gods.

They don’t care cos they can literally have kids with damn near anyone.

Correction, they care for their kids but they normally have VERY limited contact with them. They make a point to stay out of their lives, to not interfere, it would piss off the Fates.

It hurt us as much as it did them. And by 'us' I mean Emily's dad and me."

That’s unusually specific.

Me thinks Moma and Emily’s dad had a fling.

" Mom, who is our dad and Emily's mom?"

My mom smiled softly. It was a sad smile. " Well, that's something you'll have to find out at camp, isn't it?" No one said anything.

“It’s more fun that way. Nothing bad ever comes from withholding this kind of information.”

“Not like this information is important to the plot.”

Get on with the plot please. This suspense shit is getting old fast.

5 minutes later

You don’t need a fucking transition for five fucking minutes!

Calm down Coffee.

PISS OFF

NAH!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN

" Are we there yet?"

“No, the end of the chapter is about another two pages of nothing happening.”

Guess I can get another case of rum. I have the time.

" Almost. Patience Angel."

Oh, so that’s who’s talking. For a second, I thought it was another hallucination. Wait a minute, who’s talking now? A ghost? It’s a ghost, isn’t it?

I think you need to lay off the shrooms.

" So how long are we going to stay at this camp?"

OH SHIT, A FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

Fuck, what’s the name of that Naruto story we did? Dammit, TEA! HELP!

When Wind meets earth, I believe and yes, that is how the author wrote it.

" For the rest of Winter break."

Didn’t you change it to summer in your author’s note?

.-. I’m greatly confused and annoyed at the same time, what do you call that?

Confoyed? I dunno.

Angel groaned. I groaned. Emily squealed.

And I unloaded a shotgun into everyone mentioned.

-Takes the shotgun back- Hey, this is for emergencies only.

*takes shotgun* With how fast this is going downhill, this counts.

-Takes it back- I’M the one who brought this thing, stop wasting ammo on this shit show, wait for My Inner Life.

This joke is overkill.

" We're gonna have so much fun! We'll meet new people. And there might be some cut boys." She winked at me. " And cute girls for you Angel,"

“And we’re probably going to die!”

I long for the sweet release of death. I refuse to go to AA.

Turns out Angel and Emily just weren't meant to be. She said that she felt no spark when they had a make-out session in her room on the boat. And he said that it felt weird kissing her. Like he was kissing his mom.

That is just gross.

And thus, that entire chapter was a big waste of everyone’s time, because the author decided on a whim to abort that story arc.

What the fuck…? Oooooooh wait till I do my thoughts at the end, ooooh you just wait.

So they've decided to just stay friends. But hey, I'm not complaining.

I am! That chapter never needed to happen if it was going to end like that.

Goddamitgoddamitgoddamit. GODDAMIT!

" Oh. And you'll love your cabins. Maybe Artemis and her hunters will be there. But don't join them. Just 5 more miles."

Why is she talking like she’s been there before? She’s mortal, mortals can’t enter the camp.

Omniscient protagonist powers go!

Rather Katherine joined them or not, she’ll never lose her V-card :^)

My mom kept smiling and shed a few more tears.

“So close to freedom from this awful story!”

“So close to losing these little shits!”

When we were about 3 miles away my mom suddenly stopped the car. " No. That's impossible. We should have had more time." She whispered this to herself. She was looking through the rearview mirror.

This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t spent an entire day shopping!

YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF TIME DAMMIT!

We are definitely copying Percy’s story but trying to make it seem original.

" Get out! Everybody get out!" Her voice was panicked. We got out as quickly as we could.

Which was at a snail’s pace, like everything else in this goddamn story.

Yet now we decide we want to live. Why can’t you just die Sue???

Except the second chapter, that happened quicker and I’m glad.

She started rummaging through the trunk. She handed us the luggages filled with our belongings. Then she pulled out a long thin sword. " Now, we're going to run.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to run with swords?!

Wanna know what else is long and thin?

The spear of which I’ll impale you with if you continue that joke.

-Leans in closer- ʕ°ᴥ°ʔ My dick.

SCROTAL PUNCH!

TEA GIVE ME THE SHOTGUN!

You had fair warning, there is nothing I can do to help you.

To the top of the hill. The monsters have caught up with us.

I still don’t see any monsters.

It would be nice if you put effort into the scene. For now we see floating blobs.

I see a heaping pile of shit called “How it all began”.

We have a few minutes before they reach us.

Why doesn’t the All-Seeing protagonist see them then?

Cause raisins.

Cos I scooped her eyes out with a grapefruit spoon.

Give me your hands." We all held out a hand.

She proceeded to chop off their hands with the sword.

“My tummy was making the rumblies...that only hands could satisfy.”

“Caaaaaaaaaaaaarl!”

" Give me your pocket knife Angel."

“So I may kill you quicker.”

Quick, castrate him so we don’t more Stus and Sues.

" I don't know what you're talking about." She glared at him. He handed it to her. She grabbed his hand and cut the palm.

Which she really could have done with the sword…

Me too buddy, me too. -Pats Coffee’s back.-

He pulled back his hand but it was too late. The damage was already done.

She rolled a nat 20 and hit him with critical damage. He lost his last 2 HP and had to go recover in the local tavern.

He rolled a nat 1 dexterity roll, he slipped, fell and broke his neck on the way to the tavern.

Jagerbomb rolled a nat 20 and won the last case of rum.

She grabbed a white towel from the hand and pressed his wound to it. The blood stained part of it red.

No shit, it’s a WHITE towel. Blood is red, thus it stains towel.

What are you talking about? Blood is pink. It’s always been that color.

No, blood is blue.

" I'm sorry. THis will throw them off our trail for a bit."

I like to think she was a bit enthusiastic for a second, but then realized the story she was in.

-Takes a sip from a beer can- Eyup.

She did the same to us. It stang but no as much as I thought as it would.

The word is stung, not stang. A stang is a Mustang,  which you can’t drive.

Or ride. Cos Mustangs are too damn majestic for you.

Or as in Roy Mustang, but that’s not a good idea unless you like the idea of female officers in tiny miniskirts…

ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ Females? Miniskirts? Where do I sign up?

Down boy.

She threw the blood stained towel in the back car seat. Then we ran.

From what? I still don’t see the threat!

Their running from their emotions, Coffee.

What emotions?

The ones they left behind years ago.

We jumped over fallen trees and prickly bushes ripped our clothes as we brushed past them while running away from the monsters.

You keep saying that, but I still don’t see anything nor is there a threat. Maybe if I believe in it enough the monsters will appear and eat them.

Coffee. We’re not going to be saved, stop it. -Flicks nose-

We heard a roar back where the car was. That made us run faster. We finally believed my mother.

Took you long enough!

Let’s play the guessing game on what monster it is! GODZILLA!

The gods are real. We're demigods. And monsters are after us so they can spill our blood.

She didn’t explain this shit at all to you. Also you’re being overly formal again.

Well, you’ve been doing a bang up job avoiding them so far.

So why fucking worry!?

Then we found it. The entry to this camp.

These sentences. Are. Insanely choppy.

It hurts. My. Brain.

At first I couldn't read what it said, then my dyslexia reformed the words.

This is the first time we’ve seen of you ever having dyslexia.

She’s stating things again, would it kill you to either put it in earlier or better yet show this stuff happening.

She can magically give herself different disabilities.

Camp Half-Blood. We passed under the sign and a barrier appeared as we did. It didn't stop us from going in. It was as if showing that not just anyone could enter.

Wow, so exactly what a barrier does!

If your mother already explained everything to you then you should already know what the barrier does.

:O Holy shit! Something that actually does it’s job!

My mom looked at us longingly. I gestured for her to come with us. She shook her head sadly. I understood.

“Even though I’ve never been here before and I know nothing about the camp.”

All Knowing Sue strikes back!

The barrier sensed her and reminded her that she couldn't enter.

Reminded her? I think you mean stopped her completely.

“Oh sorry ma’am but you can’t come in here.”

" Ms. Adams. Come on."

ARGHH! FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

KILL IT WITH FIR-SHIT IT’S A GHOST!

" Yeah Mom." " She can't. The barrier won't let her. She's human."

I think the author gave up on writing.

I mean, technically, Demigods are human too since they're not, ya know… Gods.

They’re part god, that’s what allows them to get through.

" Kat's right. This is where you guys go ahead without me." A roar startled us. It was close by.

This looks suspiciously familiar.

Yep, we’re definitely copying Percy’s story.

Plus 1 for originality, Suethor.

" I have to go. If I stay any longer, they'll catch me." She blew us a kiss before disappearing into the trees. We watched as the monsters finally reached us and started banging on the barrier.

There they are! A little late on the chase scene there.

Give them a break, they’re Union monsters.

They couldn't get in either. I smirked and stuck out my tongue.

I’d like to see you do that outside the barrier.

“Let me stick my tongue out and be a brat while I watch my mom is probably being chased by monsters.”

We taunted them for a while longer. We had to make sure Mom had enough time to get away.

You’re copying Percy’s story and trying to be original, so if anything mom is probably going to die.

I doubt the monsters give a damn about kids taunting them. Your mother is probably already dead if they are tolerating you.

I mean, that forest is probably crawling with monsters, and not just Greek ones too, probably a damn Wendigo out there too. -Shivers-

When they finally realized they weren't going to get in anytime soon, they angrily left.

*stomps feet* “It’s not fair!”

“I wanted to tear the blondie’s spine out!”

We turned around and walked into this camp. I smiled at the feeling I felt as I walked, looking for an adult in this quiet place. It felt peaceful. Safe. Like home.

“We’ve only been here for twenty seconds.”

“Katherine, wake up, it was all a dream, you’ve been in a coma for two years.” -sighs- I wish...

PLOT TWIST!

CONCLUSION

Well, what can I say? After four chapters of the same shit different day, this isn’t surprising. How is one supposed to rate a chapter where nothing happens?

I can guarantee that it gets so much worse. You’ll have a lot to scream about later.

Well, I sure as fuck can say something! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE US SIT THROUGH TWO CHAPTERS (1 and 2) ABOUT HOW MUCH ANGEL AND EMILY LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY FOR ANGEL AND EMILY TO STAY FRIENDS!? LIKE SERIOUSLY! CHAPTER TWO WAS LITERALLY JUST KATHARINE TRYING TO GET EMILY TO FUCK HER BROTHER! AND WHAT DO WE GET FOR SITTING THROUGH THAT HELL? NOTHING! JUST THE ‘Let’s be friends’ BULLSHIT! And I have to agree with Coffee, all these chapters are the fucking same! Just unnecessary FILLER! Still no emotions, descriptions, and Katherine is the WORST character in this shit show. Fuck you anD YOUR GOAT!

I heard that yelling your name followed by “I’m fine” actually helps most cases of stress.

I have a bottle of jack and a shotgun. I’m fine. -Casual muscle spasm.-

I was thinking something more like, “I’M COFFEE AND I’M FINE!”

I AM FINE DAMMIT!

There you go~!

-Rapidly pumps shotgun to stay calm-

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #5

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

I’m Coffee and we’re still putting up with this trainwreck for some reason. Don’t ask me why. Ask Tea.

All the jokes can be made that and this fic is an abomination to the wonderful world that is Percy Jackson and the Olympians/ Heroes of Olympus. I’ve got a bone to pick with this fic. I’m Tea and I approve this message.

I want my refund. ʕಥᴥಥʔ

That wasn’t in the contract, Jager. You must waste your precious time sporking awful fics.

Then give me a bottle of Jack.

Done.

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this personally.

Chapter 3

Awe no awful title to poke fun at ;╭╮;

The fact there are three chapters of this is the joke.

Get rekt son.

So Emily was sleeping over tonight. We did a bunch of things girls do when they sleep over, like paint our nails and talk about boys. Just kidding.

Oh Katherine. You still haven’t grown a sense of humor, I see.

Who needs humor? She assumes everyone likes her jokes.

We didn't talk about boys because then Emily would talk for a whole hour about Angel and I would die of boredom.

Me too, but I’ll still have to suffer through this tedious crap.

ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ All shall be fine soon Coffee.

I can imagine my gravestone. 'Katherine Adams You will be missed

You’re missing a “not” in there.

Cause of Death: Emily Evans' Yeah

…I love how you try to make yourself seem like you’re not a snob but you fail miserably.

‘Katherine Adams. Cause of death: Over Inflated ego.”

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve started digging your grave.

So me and Emily were watching Remember Me with Robert Pattison until my mom came. She looked worried. "Get changed girls, we're leaving."

You have quite the balls to start a sentence with “So” like that...

Not even going to attempt to set the scene? Just gonna jump right on in?

Emily and I, dumbass. ʕಠ益ಠʔ

We looked at her strangely and were about to ask her questions when she held up her hand and said, "I'll explain later."

Your attempts at making this urgent and not boring to read are failing.

I’m so enthralled by this plot. I feel as if these chapters get lazier and lazier each time. How many chapters are there?

You know, this wouldn’t be as bad if the writing didn’t suck horribly. You’d be surprised how things like thoughts and showing feelings greatly improve a story.

With that she left us to change. We did as she told us. I put on some jeans and a purple shirt with sequins and purple uggs. Emily wore a white tank top with white jeans and white flats.

We don’t care what they are wearing. We care about the plot, so get on with the plot (or lack thereof).

Tea, I doubt we’ll get any real plot that ISN’T some boring filler.

What do you mean? Of course listing off what these little shits clothed themselves with is crucial to the plot and to the sense of urgency the author is trying to convey!

What is it with her and white? But of course I shouldn't be talking since I'm obsessed with purple.

“Never mind the fact my mother is worried sick about something! I must take the time to question and internally berate my friend’s style choices!”

This is slow and boring to read. Why the hell should we care that the Sue is obsessed with purple? We’re not seeing the obsession, we are sitting here listening to her tell us that she is. It’s boring and lazy writing.

Why should we care about the Sue? She has no lovable qualities.

After we were dressed we went out of my room to see my mom and Angel waiting for us. "We need to leave. Now."

For being in a hurry you sure are slow.

About as slow as the Author is mentally.

“I’m going to stand here telling you we need to leave immediately, but first who’s up for watching this paint dry!”

After my mom says that we hear a screech. All the color drained from her face.

Chooooooooooppy. Seriously, a second grader can make more complex sentences.

Don’t insult the Second graders, Tea, least they work hard.

I, on the other hand, am totally down for whatever was coming to eat them. It just needs to HURRY THE HELL UP.

"Impossible. They couldn't have gotten it that quick." She looks scared. My mom's the bravest person I know and she doesn't get scared easily. Whatever is scaring her must be creepy.

...IT’S A FUCKING MONSTER! It should be terrifying not “creepy”. Especially if you heard it screech. Be realistic.

Bill Cosby’s a human and he’s more creepy ʕಠᴥಠʔ

Guys, you are overestimating Katherine’s ability to emote. She’s too dumb to live.

" , what's going on and what was that?" Emily looks freaked out. I am too.

Coming from the twat who described a screech that shook up your mother creepy.

I'm pretty sure Angel is too, but he's doing a good job at hiding it. My mom ignored the question.

Who the hell starts a sentence that way?

She does. She also likes repeating parts of her sentences.

Holy shit, you thought about Angel? Is that emotion I sense? ʕ◕0◕ʔ

No, you’re just imagining things.

"We have to get out before they find us. Hurry up and follow me."

My mom led us to the closet in her room and she opened it. Inside it was empty. She traced her fingers along the wall and took off a piece. The piece covered a screen. My mom pressed her thumb to the screen and I heard a click.

Is this Percy Jackson or 007? I forgot.

It was a thumb scan.

I still don’t see how THIS is being in any kind of hurry. The monster could have killed you about ten times by now. Now that would be interesting.

I agree. But, I find it funny how she reacts to the thumb scan. “It was a thumb scan�� No shit!  ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ

Thanks Captain Obvious!

My mom got out of the closet and headed to her bed. She stopped before she could reach it and lifted the mat in front of the bed. It covered a trapdoor. My mom opened them and it revealed stairs.

The secret escape is opened from the closet but is by the bed? That sounds like a B-horror movie nightmare.

There is such a thing as adding too many step-by-step sequences ya know.

This is the most boring way to describe secret doors. Ever.

"Come on, we don't have much time before they start searching this floor."

So you keep saying, but have made little effort to exit in an expeditious manner.

Yet you took all that time to open a trapdoor? If you were in a hurry you wouldn’t be moving at the pace of a burdened snail in August.

Nah, the snails would still be moving faster.

We quickly ran down the stairs until we came to a door.

Oh, so now you’re gonna hurry.

Because now we have plot… Right?

Hurry, my ass.

My mom opened it cautiously and we found ourselves in the library. Behind a bookshelf. I would recognize the cherry colored wood anywhere.

I like how she takes the time to mention the wood, but literally nothing else. No thoughts or feelings. Just “Oh, yeah. ‘Wood’ you look at that!”

We don’t care what the bookshelf looks like. Describe it earlier if you really feel like we ABSOLUTELY need to know.

All Knowing Sue, how I hate you so.

My mom pushed it and it moved forward.

Noooooo. It’s gonna swing backward.

And crush them all between the shelf and wall. THE END.

Yay mom for pushing things!

We all scampered out of the cramped space we were in and my mom didn't even let us take a break from all the running.

Good job team! Nice job doing nothing as usual!

You were standing around for like five minutes while she opened the door, you’re not that winded.

They were standing? I thought they were floating heads.

She ran out of the library and we followed her since she was the only one who knew what was going on.

“Hold on, dawgs. Gotta go to the kitchen to grab some snacks.”

We made it to the front door and she rushed out. She pulled out the garage controller from the pocket of her coat and pressed the button.

I thought the point was to not be detected? The garage door makes a lot of noise. Talk about inconsistency.

Can’t garages be accessed from in the house though? And even if the garage wasn’t attached, there still should have been a door, right?

-Loud, obnoxious, opening sounds- NOTICE US MONSTER-SENPAI!

WHAT WAS THAT? COULD YOU BE A LITTLE LOUDER?

The garage door lifted and my mom ran to the closest car in the garage, which happened to be her black hybrid.

Just say “which happened to be her car.”, We don’t need a vague description of what she drives.

Black hybrid could mean a number of cars…. Or maybe it’s some mythical creature cos its a Percy Jackson story.

Shouldn’t you be more worried about the monster?

"Shotgun." Angel yelled and opened the door.

Angel clearly has his priorities straightened out.

My mom glared at him and held a finger to her mouth.

There’s no point in being quiet now, you’ve already given yourselves away by opening the garage.

You’re expecting the ‘Satan Spawn’ to be quiet?

The monster comes barreling in and rips them apart. It tosses their entrails like confetti.

Have fun dying! Oh who am I kidding? We aren’t gonna get that lucky.

I’ve told Coffee this, we will never be saved.

I REFUSE TO GIVE UP.

Wow, my mom never glares at people.

Well, she has now.

So you’re mom has NEVER glared at you or Angel for doing something bad? Like using knives on your brother or fighting kids at school?

Turns out looks really do kill and Angel’s body is dumped on the side of the road. No one cares.

We all got in the car and my mom drove.

No shit, she’s the only one with a license.

Unless All Knowing Sue somehow knows how to drive too.

Guys, guys, guys. It was either her or Poseidomort.

She kept on driving until she was running out of gas-

This car must get some shit gas mileage.

They went a total of ONE mile.

No one ever heard from them again.

so she stopped at a gasoline station.

Nooooooo.

Not the Gas station!

Anything but the gas station... *strikes match*

When she got out of the car to fill the tank I noticed my mom pull out her phone and call someone. They talked for like a minute before she hung up.

Hot damn! Sue didn’t know who mother called, that’s a first.

Could it be that she’s no longer all knowing? 0-0

ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ That’ll be the day I quit drinking, Tea.

Ever considered AA meetings Jager?

Yes I have actually.

When my mom finished and got behind the wheel again and started driving, Emily broke the silence we maintained for at least 50 minutes.

Dammit, just had that replaced. You’re cleaning that up, Emily.

ʕ-ᴥ-ʔ We don’t care how long they were silent.

"Who were you talking to ?"

“I was calling Bullshit.”

"Your father, Emily.

Would you look at that...

I told him that we were attacked and I had to get you all to safety."

Attacked? When? Bring on the monster already!

Having this in script format is lazy writing.

At least add spacing like-

 -this, dammit all.

"Mom, what exactly was that screech?"

Me screaming at this story.

Horrid screams of agony.

"It was a," my mom lowered her voice as she kept driving, "a fury."

"What's a fury?" Angel asked, speaking for the first time.

"Don't repeat that name. Names shouldn't be said carelessly. They have power."

“Well you just said it and we’re not dead.”

It was said twice in five seconds. That fury’s gonna be furious.

Badum tss!

"You didn't answer my question."

She doesn’t have to. You’re probably not gonna like the answer anyway.

She should. Maybe that would speed the plot up.

"They are also known as kindly ones. And it was a monster from the underworld."

Where most monsters come from.

" , I know this is an inappropriate question but, are you high?" Angel snickered.

Why are you snickering, you ungrateful brat? Would you like your sorry ass left behind? I’d gladly oblige!

"Sadly, no."

I feel you, mom. I wish I was high to so I didn’t have to read this.

"Mom, you know there is no such thing as monsters. It's only exists in stories." I state firmly.

State firmly? I sincerely hope you said this with as much deadpan as the writing.

I like how the Sue is trying to be the reasonable one here, yet she sounds completely detached from reality and all emotion.

“I should know, because I’M the main character!”

My mom sighs tiredly.

Much like I’m going to curbstomp you enthusiastically.

"You'll believe me when you get there."

She’s probably tired of your constant questioning.

Mom is really sighing because she regrets having you.

 I regret ever reading this.

"Get where?"

“The hell out of my life.”

This is sounding suspiciously like how Percy ended up at the camp.

Well she IS his half-sister.

Still no excuse to use his “how I got here” story.

True, Author is just a lazy fucker. And that’s coming from the bear.

I don’t know what I expected.

"A special camp. For people like you. Don't you ever wonder why you all have ADHD and dyslexia?"

Never mind the fact that we haven’t seen anything that is suppose to imply they have either of these traits.

You’re explaining it like they’re going to a special needs camp and not explaining at all how this is safer or why there’s a monster chasing them. A+ parenting.

“MY MAMA SAYS I’M SPECIAL!”

"You mean a camp for people with ADHD and dyslexia? That's stupid."

Like this story.

Author expects us to know who’s talking just by they words they used.

Yep, we’re supposed to have telepathic powers.

"It's not stupid Angel. It's a place you will be able to call home and no monsters can get in. You will be safe there."

Still not explaining shit here momma.

Because who needs exposition!

Who needs that when we can talk about dumb teenage stuff?

" , stop the car." My mom and brother ignored Emily and kept argueing about this camp.

Well the best friend has been invisible thus far, so why would it change now?

Better give her a reason to still be here. She’s Punching Bag #2 remember?

Emily has been demoted from Punching Bag #2 to Who?

" , stop the car!" Then I realized my mom wasn't watching the road,

What were you so enamored with that you noticed next to nothing until your friend-not-friend pointed it out?

she was looking at Angel and in the middle of the road was what looked to be a very buff man.

Arnold? Is that really you? It IS you!

Terminator?

Yesssh.  ʕ◕0◕ʔ

Holy run on sentence, Batman!

When my mom looked at the road she stopped but she still ran over the guy.

How do you stop, but STILL run over someone? Is it raining that badly that you literally slide despite being stopped? Wait, is it even raining?

Evidently the car was going so fast that they couldn’t stop fast enough.

Yay for reckless driving!

But monster? The one whose chasing you? Y’know what? Never mind. Just forget I said anything.

"Holy shit."

No exclamation mark? No description of his reaction? Any KIND of EMOTION there? No? Okay.

I believe this is supposed to be a really lame attempt at conveying shock.

“Oh no, we hit someone... I’m hungry. Who wants burgers?”

"Angel, language."

This is hardly the time to tell your son to watch his cursing.

I thought we were in a hurry away from the monster. Not sitting here and waiting for it to get up.

They keep lollygagging like they weren’t just trying to outrun a monster.

"Oh my god! We just ran over a person!" Me and Emily were freaking out and Angel looked like he was going to through up.

What is this supposed to be? A delayed reaction?

Throw up. Through is what I’m going to do when I put you through the fucking wall!

I’m going to through up because of this writing…

My mom was the only one not worried.

She backed up and ran it over again. And again. And again.

I mean, technically she was the one that ran over the guy since she's driving. How can she not be freaked out?! He might be dead.

If you listened to the lack of words that came out of her mouth earlier. You’re being chased by a monster.

/╲/\╭  ʕಠᴥಠʔ╮/\╱\  Here’s a monster.

“Monster?! There was a monster?!”

And if he's dead we're all going to jail! Crap. I might go to jail.

Glad to see that you’re still looking after your own hide.

No, you’re too young for jail, dumbass, you’d go to juvie.

Do you really think the author cares for the specifics when it come to stuff like law? 

"I'm going to check to see if he's okay." I was about to open the door when it suddenly locked.

Yes, check to see if the OVERSIZED BUFFCAKE is okay.

They’re  just asking to get smashed into a bloody paste. They’re still sitting on top of the monster if you go by how this is written.

Let her go. It’s better that way. Too dumb to live, remember?

She’ll just come back like the cockroach she is.

"You are not going out there. He is fine.

What are you doing?! Throw it in reverse and run it over again!

And even if he did die, all that would be left is ashes." With that my mom started driving again.

Not ashes. It’s gold dust. Did you read the books or see the movies?

Actually the gold dust is just a movie thing. In the books they dissolved into a yellow sulfur dust.

Either way it’s yellow, not ash.

Just gonna pretend that never happened. Never mind if it get’s back up and chases us down.

Because death is what the mother wants right now.

As me and Emily looked out the back window we saw the man get up and turn to us. And then I realized he wasn't human.

You just now realized this?

Because no human can run after they were ran over by a car. And no human had horns and a furry face.

You have night vision now?

20 bucks says it’s the Minotaur.

My, we just love to state the obvious don’t we Katherine?

We love this totally original scene.

It looked like a monster.

No shit, Sherlock.

Naaah, it’s a giant bipedal buffcake bull. His name is Tom.

He just wanted a hug. :(

He’s big and scary on the outside, but a precious little cinnabun on the inside! (´;︵;`)

He’s real gentle we promise! He looked so cute at prom in his little tux. ʕಥᴥಥʔ So precious.

A monster that was running after us very fast.

Yes, and I hope it kills you.

Yes my pet, kill them.

FEAST MY PRETTY!

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!

If this guy is a human, he must have been a test subject.

You acknowledged that it wasn’t human three sentences ago, you dumb broad. 

How would you know the kind of testing that could do that?

Someone has been watching way too much sci fi.

I faced forward, suddenly realizing that what my mom said was true. There are things such as monsters.

You should have realized that about five minutes ago with the fury screaming and the big bull man that you just ran over.

So much for being all knowing, am I right guys?

You have consistently proven your lack of intelligence.

"So where is this camp?"

���IN HELL.”

“Up yer bum you smelly child.”

Oh so now you’re choosing to listen to your mom. *slow claps* Way to go main character.

They’re just going to ignore the monster chasing them down, aye? I’m down with that.

As long as it kills them yeah?

Least she didn’t lose her mom… Yet. I can already tell dear mom’s gonna die sometime soon.

I read ahead, and yes this does in fact happen.

FUCK.

So much for originality.

DEATH TO ORIGINALITY. DEATH TO CANON! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!

I AM FEMALE PERCY JACKSON! MY REAL NAME IS PERCIE!

CONCLUSION

I have some complaints. One: This chapter copied near perfectly the way Percy got to camp, +1 for originality pal. Two: Hitting something as big as a Minotaur would not just stop a car, it would completely total that thing. Have you ever seen a DEER get hit by a car? They do a lot of fucking damage to the car, and a deer is waaaaay smaller than a Minotaur. I’m sorry but that Minotaur would’ve grabbed that car and flung it like a twig. Also, the slow pace of this chapter was, as Tea said before, like a burdened snail. The mother is the only character I can sympathize with currently. I cared less for how Katherine tried to be convince everyone monsters don’t exist, yet she had just heard a FUCKIGN FURY screech earlier, and it took RUNNING OVER A FUCKING MINOTAUR to get it through her thick skull. This ‘OC’ is so deep inside herself that she can’t open her eyes until the truth smacks her in the face. Jagerbomb is not please. ʕಠ╭╮ಠʔ. 1/10.

 The main issue I had with this story is that it was extremely contradictory, had little to no emotion when it came to character interactions and was very uninteresting to read. Although the author tried to make it interesting, it failed miserably. I care less for Emily and her friend (Main OC), I can’t empathize with either one. They both are flat and uninteresting and are unconvincing as people. The only ones I can even remotely empathize with is the mom and the brother, but even then they need some work.  

 As the story progresses, I care less and less about the OC and whatever ripoff adventure they embark on. I’ve never rooted for the death of a single character as much before. You can not convince me that these things are actual people with actual thoughts and feelings. Not with that writing anyhow. All I can see is that the author was making her character out to be all important, the reasonable likable hero. She either looks like an ass or an idiot. No in between, no redemption. It  just keeps getting worse. The author apparently thinks that if the characters take a really long time, it would add tension. It looks dumb, sounds dumb, and is unnecessary. These people should have been dead already instead of wasting my goddamn time. 1/10 At least your writing is consistent.

[coffeecupandteatime]

Jagerbomb’s Mini-Review #2

HELLOOOOOOO~ Jagerbomb here for ANOTHER mini-review ʕ◕0◕ʔ Exciting isn’t?

Anyway the rules of a normal review apply here as well. I wall be as offensive as possible, so please don’t be a bitch.

ʕಠᴥಠʔ So please, sit down, and crack open a cold one with the boys, and enjoy the sporking.

Very dark HarryxOC fic. It's not your average fic, I promise. Harry and crew are suffering the effects of Voldemort(Apostrophe)s regained power. Set in sixth year.

What in the living fuck. This is the actual SUMMARY to the story. 

1. Meetings

Let’s see here…. Shitty chapter title? Check.

A/N: BWAHAHAHAAAA!!! I finally wrote a fan fic (One word)! Maybe somebody will READ this one! All my poor originals have to be force fed to my friends

You sir are turning out to be a very rude Author already.

…. No one else even knows they're there I think… Oh well. All I ask for is reviews. ^_^V

Ohohohohoho! You’re getting a review alright! ʕಠᴥಠʔ▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一

Darkness rising

Why the hell is the story’s title AFTER the chapter’s???

Harry's summer had gone horribly. His books and broom were locked up, Hedwig was out for the night, and he'd been sent back to the cupboard under the stairs for pissing off Dudley.

Question: I thought Harry had a room upstairs now? I mean I can’t recall ever seeing him being sent back to the cupboard. Ever.

He'd had no word from Ron, Hermione, or Sirius, and he had no idea what was going on in the wizarding world. To top it off, it was August, and it was raining.

Nooooooo! Not the rain! Anything but the rain!

Harry couldn't stand it anymore. He was going out. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia hadn't and wouldn't object to him going out into the rain without telling them.

Tsk…. Harry you’re an idiot. You have magic but you’re still HUMAN, you’ll get sick.

Do it.

They could only pray he would get run over or die from pneumonia. He grabbed his jacket and walked silently out the door. Since he'd exchanged some of his wizarding money for muggle cash, he could afford to go get something to eat at least.

Why would he have wizard money on him outside of the Wizarding world anyway? Has has a bank account.

While walking down some random street, he found a lone hot dog stand open in the rain. Feeling sorry for the girl behind it, he decided it was hot dogs for dinner tonight.

“I’m already risking getting sick from this rain, might as well have a shitty hot dog.” Good job buddy.

He walked over to her and was about to order when a strange sensation came over him. This girl was a witch.

When the ever living fuck could Harry sense someone else was magical? ʕಠᴥಠʔ This is one of THOSE stories isn’t it?

"Um, can I have a chili dog please?" He asked, pondering whether or not to ask which wizarding school she went to.

Hey harry, have you ever had a vendor dog? Their pretty awful… Then again, it’d be the best meal you had! OOOOOOOOH!

Get it cos the Dursley’s rarely feed him enough  ʕ;-;ʔ Eh?

"Sure. That's um… 2.75 please." Harry handed her the money, noting her American accent.

2.75 in what? Dollars? Pounds? Yen? PESOS!?

"If you don't mind my asking, you aren't from around here are you?" She shook her head.

Oh my god…. Don’t tell me there’s a Mary Goddamn Sue already.

"No, I'm a California Girl. I'm here to meet my grandfather, I guess. You don't want to hear about me, though." She shook her head.

FUCKING DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!

Harry was caught for a moment, noticing just how pretty she looked. She had pretty brown hair with bleached streaks, and amber eyes with flecks of orange and brown in them. Harry had grown a lot over the summer, but she was still just a centimeter taller. He smiled for her.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Fuck you. ʕಠᴥಠʔ╭∩╮

"It's not like I have something else to be doing. Why don't you tell me about it to save me from loss of sanity to boredom?" She chuckled softly.

“I’m just the Sue who’ll most likely be your love interest!”

He noticed how sad her eyes were. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter." He said, holding out his hand. She hesitantly took it.

Harry is being awfully nice to a complete stranger, for all he knew she could be faking it to steal his liver. Good thing mine’s dying! ʕಠᴥಠʔ Nice try bitch!

"Sandra Davis."

“Now fuck off you little bastard.”

Harry quickly learned that Sandra was fascinating. Besides the fact that she was gorgeous, she was smart, too. She was a muggle-

HOW IN THE HELL CAN SHE BE A FUCKING MUGGLE!?!

-(Which confused Harry to no end), and had stopped going to High School in preference of the City College level classes.

Aren’t you a special snowflake! Here’s a gold star!

She was apparently in England coming to visit her Grandfather, whom she'd never met. She apparently lived alone as well.

I’m say it it now, her grandfather is probably some powerful wizard.

"I'm a little worried though, I have to take the train in London to meet my Gramps, but have you ever heard of a platform Nine and Three- Quarters?" Harry was more than slightly surprised.

Oh no… Please don’t… I beg of you!

"Do you know what quidditch is?" He blurted out. She shook her head. "All right, sorry. Um, do you know what your grandfather does for a living?" Harry tried again.

Please don’t say magic, please don’t say magic, please don’t say magic.

"He's headmaster of some school here. Hogwarts,-

Oh you better be pulling my chain bub.

- I think. What a weird name, I mean really. Almost as weird as his, get a load of this, his name's Albus Dumbledore.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-Hahahahahahhahahahah! ʕಠᴥಠʔ -Shaking intensifies-

-Go figure, eh?" She laughed quietly. Harry was in shock. Albus Dumbledore's granddaughter was a muggle? He had a granddaughter? What in all hell was going on? She had magic, why wasn't she at Hogwarts?

I’m just as surprised as you Potter, just as surprised as you.

"That's my school." Harry said, for lack of anything else. "He's my headmaster."

-Deep inhale- This is top-notch interactions.

Sandra looked a little surprised, and looked around to make sure no one else was on the street. Then she leaned in and whispered-

Why the fuck do ya got a hyphen there?

"So that means you're the Harry Potter? The one who defeated this Voldemort guy?" Harry nodded, once more caught completely off guard.

“Nah, I’m the Harry Potter from Chicago. Ya know what they say about our sausage?” ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

"Oh good! My Gramps told me to go find you, and you'd make sure I got to Hogwarts all right." She looked immensely relieved. Harry had to stare at her for a minute.

OFFUCKINGCOURSE!

"I'm sorry, but you've confused the hell out of me." She smiled, but Harry had to notice again how it never reached her eyes.

Oh if only Coffee were here, she’d be having a blast tearing this a new anus. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

"She told him the whole story then. It turned out she was half and half (MUDBLOOD). She'd always known her mother was a witch, but the whole family had gone with Sandra's father to live as muggles, even though he was outnumbered.

What the hell? How did it come to that? He didn’t ask you that. -Head slamming gif-

Her parents had both died in a "car crash" when she was five. In reality, a pair of rouge (Rogue, did Kiryu get in here??) Death Eaters had gotten them.

Aren’t Death Eaters already rogues…?

Dumbledore hadn't taken her in because her parents had strictly told him she was to be left to grow up as a muggle.

Of course they did sweetie.  ʕ◡ᴥ◡✿ʔ You’re a snowflake. ʕʘᴥʘ✿ʔ I must melt you.

Now though, it was too dangerous to leave her on her own, and he was bringing her where he could keep an eye on her.

So who was watching her prior to this? I’m having a hard time understanding that part.

""I'm a little angry with my parents, actually." She said with a blank look on her face as she looked out into the rain. "They should've let me make my own decision, instead of leaving me helpless like this." Harry sighed.

I’m with you on this Potter. I suggest we run very far from the Sue.

"They probably thought I'd killed Voldemort properly, they didn't know I'd end up brining (BRINGING) him back." She looked at him for a moment.

Who thought you’d killed Moldybutt properly? Who is talking right now?

"I heard about that. It wasn't your fault, Harry."

“You’re just the final horcrux, so it’s only your fault if you live, no big deal.”

"I should've known what was going to happen the minute my name came out of the Goblet of Fire, I'm-"

Where in the timeline is this taking place exactly? Explain shit Author! GAH! 

ʕಠ益ಠʔ

"-Perfectly within the rights of being human." Sandra cut him off. "No one can think of everything."

Yet you most likely will, Sue.

Harry felt strangely comforted.

Correction: He felt strangely awkward.

"You're not a bad guy, Harry. I'm glad I met you." Sandra gave him a rare heartfelt smile.

Sandra is a broken girl I see. Oh boy.

Harry couldn't help but smile back.

No don’t empower her Potter!

***

The fuck is THAT!

Hedwig came back that night, carrying four letters at once. One each from Ron, Hermione Sirius, and Dumbledore.

Bet cha Dumbledore’s is about Sandra. What’s the plot again? Why does it need her?

Harry opened the one from Dumbledore first, hoping it might have a few more answers for him.

HA! That old bastard have answers? Yeah right!

Dear Harry,

“Regret to inform you that there is a Sue amongst us.”

I trust Sandra has come safely to you by now. I also trust you have plenty of questions for me. The first of which I can answer easily. Yes, I have a granddaughter. Surprised? The rest of the staff will be too. I want you to take Sandra to the Leaky Cauldron Inn as soon as possible. I'm having the Weasleys pick you both up. Mrs. Weasley was insisting you two could stay with them, but I had to deny. They will be spread apart as well, so they'll be harder to target. Ron and Hermione will be staying with you at the Leaky Cauldron. I want you three to stay together! I cannot stress this enough! Sirius will be at the inn when you get there.

Do take care Harry,

Albus Dumbledore

I feel as if this letter is supposed to be important, yet I can’t help but feel bored by it.  

P.S. Do try and be delicate with Hermione when you see her.

The fuck? Why is ALBUS telling Harry to be delicate with Hermione?And for what? Did they date before in this story and you refuse to tell us, Author?

Harry was less that settled by this.

I would be to if an old guy told me to be delicate with a girl.

He carefully put the letter down and moved on to Hermione's letter, wondering why he should need to be 'delicate' with her. His stomach dropped when he read the letter.

Well then, I wonder what’s so bad about her letter.

Dear Harry,

Please forgive my lack of correspondence this summer, I was a bit, preoccupied with a few affairs of mine. Death Eaters got to my father, Harry. He's dead. I can't stand it. I'm so scared, I just don't know what to do. I've been reading the Daily Prophet, and, Harry, it's terrible. Horrible. Absolutely terrifying. He's everywhere. Everywhere. And it's only the beginning.

Hermione Granger

-______________________- Am I supposed to feel bad for her? What good does killing her father have to the plot… If any.

Poor Hermione!

Not really.

Harry shuddered at what this letter was telling him about the condition of the wizarding world. Things were bad, and they could only get worse.

There’s nothing in this story that could get worse then the idea of it.

Dear Harry,

God, Harry, this is horrible. Hermione's a wreak. She came last night saying she just couldn't stay at home. I can't stand seeing her like this. And now Dumbledore's splitting up my whole family. To tell you the truth, I don't think I'd want to be at Hogwarts this year.

Come soon, Harry, please, come soon!

Ron

Why the hell are you writing this? Honestly, this story makes me a very angry drunk.

I enjoy my drinking time dammit!

Dear Harry, I'm cleared. We got Fudge to believe me about Pettigrew using Snape and Lupin as witnesses. I'll be coming to the Leaky Cauldron to keep an eye on you.

Sirius

LET’S JUST ALL COME TO THE INN EVERYONE! I’M SURE THERE’S ENOUGH ROOM!

Harry felt the largest headache he'd had in his life coming on. 

Trust me Potter, till you’ve gotten drunk to the point of wearing twelve hats on your head and walking down two sets of stairs, without dropping any, and then waking up with a hangover the size of Kurotsuchi's ego… You won’t know what a large headache is.

His friends were in danger, Voldemort was everywhere,

Moldybutt, Posidemort, Voldemort, whatever his name is.

he had to protect them, and now Sandra too. This was too much. For the first time in his life,

For the first time in my life I can’t drink this shit way. FUCK!

Harry wished he was just a muggle. Blissfully ignorant, not a care in the world.

Muggles have many cares in the world. We also have wars, dumbass, and if Voldemort threatens the Wizarding world, he threatens the Muggle world…. They ARE on the same planet.

CONCLUSION.

I was not awake enough for this shit.

The plot, well, I hardly see a plot right now. This whole chapter is pretty much the introduction for a poorly done OC, with bonus letters at the end about useless nonsense. Why does Hermione’s dad need to be dead? Why does Dumbledore need a granddaughter? Why is she even in this story?

The story is poorly written and to fast paced for it to work well.

The insertion of a generally useless and unoriginal OC. Seriously, both parents are dead, was raised as a muggle, related to a super important character. Not original in the slightest.

The actual interaction was bland at best.

1.5/10.

Now the fuck outta my office.

ʕಠᴥಠʔノ彡 Shoo!

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #4

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

I’m Coffee.

Hi, this is Tea. So what fresh hell have we placed ourselves into today Coffee?

Instead of Titans, we have ninjas, but there doesn’t seem to by an OC this time. So that’s a start.

We have entered a world of perpetual retardation. I’m the local alcoholic asshole, Jagerbomb  ʕಠᴥಠʔ

This lovely little story is called When wind meets earth: A Naruto & Kurotsuchi story.

I’ll kick this off shitfest! Also: Prepare the rum!

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this too personally.

Chapter 1: Moving to Konoha

Ooooooooh no.

This looks promising.

And I thought Struggle for Trost: The two monsters was a bad chapter title. This one’s just lazy.

Hey guys, it's Rice Man here with another Naruto fic to accompany the two I already have. This time it's a Naruto and Kurotsuchi pairing. I've grown quite fond of this pairing ever since I read a really good fic called 'Love your enemy' from a really talented author. Now my fic is not copying them in anyway

That doesn’t sound suspicious…

Nope, not at all.

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง I’ll fight the Author.

since it will feature an original plot and start off when the two of them are young then go on to Shippuden and will not be a Romeo & Juliet type of story. So sit back and enjoy this story!

Aw man, I was hoping for a tragedy. It would make this a thousand times more interesting.

Don’t tell me to relax. You’re only making me more nervous.

I’LL RELAX WHEN I GET MY VODKA! YOU RELAX!ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻

Lastly, the cover image for this fic is the property of DeviantArt user indy-riquez.

+1 for giving credit where credit is due.

I get the feeling this  story is based around an obscure pairing that is either not very popular or you’re the only one who thinks they should be together.

I get the feeling of “I don’t like Hinata or Sakura so I’mma make a near impossible pairing” here.

Episode one: Moving to Konoha

Oh god… We have episodes instead of chapters.

Wait. Didn’t you already mention the chapter?

This is lazy writing on so many levels.

-Iwagakure no Sato, Tsuchikage's office- It is around 7 in the evening in the office of the most powerful ninja in Iwagakure.

So this office has it’s own timezone? Cool!

Don’t you know? The offices of the most powerful ninja have their own timezones.

Iwa’s the place with rocks right? I wanna make rock puns.

Don’t, there will be plenty of puns to make later.

We see a short old man sitting behind a desk with a man beside him about early thirties holding a packet in hand.

I don’t see anybody.

Excellent descriptions.

The name of this man is Kitsuchi, one of the most respected Jonin within the village and the old man was Onoki, the third Tsuchikage. They are seen talking to a young girl who appears to be around 10 years of age. This girl was Kurotsuchi, the granddaughter of Onoki and Kitsuchi's daughter. 

Truth be told, I never got very far in Naruto. None of these names mean anything to me. I don’t care if you are writing a fanfiction. At least give me a better idea of who these people are. As an author, that is your job.

I didn’t get very far in Shippuden, but I did read a good majority of the manga so I kinda know what’s going on from what I can remember. 

Jagerbomb is not pleased. ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯︵ ┻━┻ I haven’t seen Naruto in a long time.

''Gramps you can't be serious!? Why are you sending me to Konoha?!'' The girl asked in anger

Trust me hon, we’re not exactly thrilled either.

Asked in anger. Asked in anger. AskED IN ANGER. REALLY?

We have another Katherine, so great at emotion.

Guys, I just realized that the guy doesn’t use quotation marks. Those are two apostrophes right next to each other...

''Kurotsuchi, it's for your own good dear, I'm not going to let the grudges our village and Konoha have go on any longer. It's unhealthy for us and sending you there would actually benefit the already strained relationship we have with them. So (COMMA) you can either accept to be part of the Shinobi Exchange Between Villages or you can kiss your dream of being a kunoichi good-bye. And just so you know, some of our civilians who needed work that have went as part of this on the employment side have sent back letters showing that they are enjoying life in Konoha.'' 

That’s a big wall of dialogue. So tell me, are they just sitting there, unmoving save for some mouth flaps?

I’m sorry, WHAT? In the manga or anywhere, it does not mention any ninja exchange program or Shinobi moving into the village,  much less citizens.  

I thought Iwa and Konoha HATED each other. O,,,,o Zoidberg is confused.

The young girl just groaned in pure frustration,

Ah, yes. Much emotion. Very good.

A+ writing skills.

Is this how you emote?  ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

''Those villagers must be out of their minds, fuck Konoha and their shinobi exchange crap! I can't forgive them for killing mom! You know you still hate them for that dad don't deny it!''

We got a ten-year-old saying ‘fuck’! Call the police! 

Also: Protagonist’s mother was killed by future home that she learns to love.

“Hey kid! Guess what? We’re sending you to that one village you hate so much! Never mind the fact that they were responsible for the death of your mother!”

Yep, because who needs consistency?

Kitsuchi just sighed at his daughter, ''Yes, I can't deny that Kurotsuchi, but you must remember that sending you there will greatly benefit us and our strained relationship with Konoha. What if another war breaks out again? We've barely recovered from the last one. Look at Konoha also, those guys have recovered very well in a short amount of time and don't worry daughter, the Yellow Flash sacrificed himself to protect the village from the Kyuubi attack 10 years ago so you don't have to live in the same village with him at least right?''

ARE THEY JUST A BUNCH OF FLOATING HEADS OR SOMETHING?

“I AM ZORDON! YOU ARE THE POWER RANGERS!”

''Tch, well you do have a point dad but still! I don't want to live in a village full of idiots and trash!'' Kurotsuchi pouted looking the other way

“Okay Dad...I’ll go to the stupid village of stupid people just because their stupid leader is dead!”

“You must go for political motives that really don’t make any sense. THOU MUST!” 

Seriously? You’re calling them idiots and trash? Right now you’re making an idiot out of yourself. 

Especially if this is the village with the ‘GOD OF SHINOBI/PROFESSOR’ leading it.

But seriously, I get where the author is going. It was commonplace in feudal era Japan for lords to send their kids to live under and serve another lord as a sign of trust. HOWEVER, the relations between the villages were not established other than they hate each others’ guts. Nowhere does it mention the benefits of the two villages allying. It mentions benefits, but leaves it at that. No further explanations. No specific reason, which might as well be no reason. They are literally asking their kids to enter enemy territory for no reason. Now, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t frivolously send my kids to a place I couldn’t trust. I completely agree with our whiny main character! This is ridiculous!

Onoki was about to lose his cool but decided not to vent it out on his beloved granddaughter (COMMA) but she could be such a pain in his ass sometimes. ''Kurotsuchi, you're living in Konoha as part of this exchange and in your place the Third Hokage's grandson will be living here.-

“I’m pretty sure that’s how it works anyway. It’s not like we established any trust and I don’t think the Hokage is going to be pleased sending his grandson here. Wait a minute, why am I referring to him as the Hokage? He’s not our leader, is he?”

He wouldn’t send his grandson, he is only a little kid if this is starting when I think it is.

Also: I’m pretty sure Konohamaru isn’t born yet considering he’s a lot younger than Naruto (Who's in his 40’s at the end of the the manga and anime, right?)

No, Konohamaru is born, he’s like 8 or something, this is taking place in the beginning of the series.

Either way, he’d be too young for this kind of travel to be sent to a village that HATES his.

- That is why this is beneficial to fixing our strained relationship. So you're leaving first thing in the morning young lady and that's final!''

Instead of being a good grandfather, he decides to force his grandchild to go to a completely different village.

“Go, dammit! I don’t want you hanging around here anyway! We may or may not trust Konoha village! So what if this endangers you!”

Basically sums his words up.

The 10-year(HYPHEN)old girl almost lost it when she heard that.

Almost lost what?

I lost my case of ale last week if that counts.

Almost lost her obviously prejudiced and non existent brain? Did it melt out of her ears?

She had a brain?

''No no no! I'm staying here and becoming a kunoichi of Iwa! Not Konoha!''

 “I swear you’re just looking for an excuse to kick me out of the house and go on some ridiculous adventure with my sworn enemy!”

“For the plot, child, to please the Author.” I’m not please so ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

This is a very ill conceived plot to try and make you seem cool.

''Gah! You little whipper snapper! You're going to do this exchange whether you like it or not!'' Onoki shouted as his head comically increases in size scaring the young girl

“SURPRISE YOU LITTLE SHIT! DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YOU!”

Only Iruka can do that dammit! THAT’S LIKE HIS MOST ICONIC “JUTSU”!

Really? Just because it’s an anime thing doesn’t mean you've got to use it, not to mention this is kinda badly written.

It just looks dumb in writing.

The force of his screams shook the whole room and was loud enough to scare Kurotsuchi causing her to fall on her butt shaking in fear. ''F-fine! I'll do it, but I won't like it!"

We should have a cliche count at the end our reviews to be honest. Protagonist agrees to doing some she doesn’t like: +1 cliche point.

You don't have to like it dear, just deal with it. Who knows? You may like it later on.'' Onoki said with a smile, ''Kitsuchi, please hand her papers please.''

“If you couldn’t tell, I’m the wise old character who implies the future and foreshadows the most obvious events to come!”

I don’t like that they tried to put a political agenda into this. It just seems half-assed and said political plot device just seems like something that is obviously a means to replace the main cannon with a side character and will never get mentioned ever again.

What makes you think she’ll like it after she oh so expressively pointed out her distaste for leaving.

Complying (COMMA) Kitsuchi walks over to Kurotsuchi and hands her a folder containing her files that she was going to submit to Iwa's ninja academy. ''You and Chihiro give this to the Hokage when you get there. He'll know right away.''

Author’s thoughts on actual plot.

Grabbing her enrollment papers Kurotsuchi proceeded to look at it. Her name was written in the middle of the folder and contained her papers for her to enroll at Konoha's ninja academy. Looking at Onoki she asked, ''So am I going as an Iwa or Konoha academy student?”

Wait, hold up. You’re trusting the ten-year-old with the IMPORTANT paperwork?

Well seeing as you’re the granddaughter of the fucking leader of your village, I’m surprised he didn’t train you. What’s stopping her from tearing those up?

''Anyway you see fit dear. You could be an Iwa kunoichi living in Konoha and registered in their system but most likely you'll be wearing their headband.''

“Because reasons.”

Awful reasons.

''Ugh, just what I need, living there is punishment enough but wearing their headband is just gross.'' Kurotsuchi groaned

“I mean, it’s the same headband, but I can’t stand it because it’s ~Konoha~”

“Fucking tree huggers man.”

My, somebody just loves to bitch don’t they?

''At least you're a kunoichi regardless.'' Kitsuchi spoke up, ''When you graduate we will send you the Iwa shinobi outfit if you want or you can wear theirs.''

“At that point in the story, you’ll probably prefer Konoha anyway in some major character changing fashion.”

At this point you and Naruto have probably pulled and AngelXEmily.

Kurotsuchi just sighed in defeat.

SIIIIIIIISODEFEATEDIIIIIIIIIGH

SIIIIIIIEMOTIONSAREHARDIIIIIIIIGH

Suck it up buttercup.

''So when do I go there again?'' She asked

“Right now! In fact, I’m going to throw you out the window as a shortcut!”

Again as in you’ve been there before or asking for the time you leave?

''You leave tomorrow morning dear, you will be brought there by my assistant Chihiro. After you've met with the Hokage you're on your own pretty much.'' Onoki explained

“Bye, loser.”

Chichiro sounds like the best person.

Assistant Chihiro is best character.

Into the lion’s den we go. 

''Yes, you should go get rest Kurotsuchi because you leave first thing in the morning.'' Kitsuchi added

They are really pushing her to leave.

Didn’t they say she was leaving in the morning not even two sentences ago?

Nodding with a sigh Kurotsuchi left to get some rest. ''Kurotsuchi wait.'' Onoki said getting the girl's attention ''What is it now gramps?'' ''Who knows? You might also meet a guy you'll like there.'' The Tsuchikage teased with a perverted grin

“Ohohoho! I like to think of my granddaughter meeting a nice boy but then have a perverted thought!”

“OHOHOHOHO-TOTALLYNOTFORESHADOWINGORANYTHING-OHOHOHOHO!”

Kurotsuchi blushed and quickly left the room much to the amusement of the two older men. Now alone in the room the two men began talking.

“Dammit grandpa, I can find a boyfriend by myself!”

“Oh no, my grandfather just basically told me to find a boy to fuck!”

''So you think this will really benefit us?-

“Fuck no!”

HAHHAHAHAH I SMELL A SUB-PLOT!

-I mean we do have the Hokage's grandson coming here as part of the exchange.'' Kitsuchi asked the elderly man

“What do we do with the grandson of our enemy?”

“KILL HIM”

Also, I get this is your father, but if you’re still in the office, talking about important village stuff, where the hell are the formalities? 

''I'm sure, it's Hiruzen now so it should make the whole process of this exchange a whole lot easier and without me probably trying to attack the Yellow Flash in the face for what he did to us in the third war. And when you think about it Kumo, Suna and Kiri have been friendly with Konoha ever since they sent some of their shinobi there for the program.''

Hey! Quit dropping the exposition all over the place! Someone has to clean that up, and it’s not going to be me!

Yea, us. ʕʘᴥʘ✿ʔ

''If you say so Lord Tsuchikage. That traitorous bastard Deidara bombing us several weeks ago puts us in an even worse position.''

NAME DROP!

MORE SUB-PLOT!

''You are right, it's also best for her safety as well.'' Onoki said

“We’re sending her right into enemy territory! She’ll be perfectly safe!”

“Cos sending an Iwa nin to the village that is STILL RECOVERING FROM THE KYUUBI IS FUCKING A GOOD IDEA!”

Your plan makes no sense...at all.

-Konoha Main Gate, next morning-

*Eyetwitch* Those transitions… My favorite…

Yay awful transitions!

As the sun rises across Konohagakure (COMMA) two Chunin guarding the main gate awake from their unauthorized slumber. These two are Izumo Kamizuki and Kotetsu Hagane and they've been on guard duty for twenty days straight.

I mean, this IS their actual JOB!

They would be dead if they were on guard shift for twenty  days straight, you will die from lack of sleep.

Nah, s’okay. They’re ninja.

''Ugh, Izumo wake up it's morning and time to begin another boring day as gate guards...'' Kotetsu groaned as he stretches himself

“This is how a casual conversation sounds. Wouldn’t you agree my fellow companion guard?”

“Undoubtedly, good sir!”

Nobody talks like this.

He reaches over and places a hand on Izumo's shoulder prodding the man awake. ''Yo, fucking let me sleep will you?'' Izumo grumbled

Are you the tsun to his dere?

Being rude upon being woken: +1 cliche point.

''Sure, then let Lord Hokage catch you and you'd be demoted to a Genin.'' Kotetsu shot back

One of the many responsibilities of the Hokage is to check on grunts like you.

Because the Hokage has the time to come and check on you idiots everyday. Also: Threat of boss demoting someone: +1 cliche point again! YAY Five more are you get a prize from the lower shelf!

You really have no idea what cliches are.

Nope! I just like giving points!

Right now we’ve got the tsundere, angst ridden teenager who whines about EVERYTHING cliche going on.

+5 Cliche points!

This served to wake Izumo almost instantly and the man quickly grabs his hygiene kit and began brushing his teeth, combing his hair and washing his face with a sink he made appear from God knows where.

Can’t be bothered to explain.

“Sorry I have lazy writing.”

This whole lack of explaining in some places and pretty much having dialogue that’s like watching paint dry in others, is making this fanfic to be like a raw, dead catfish. Cold, slimy and uninteresting.

''What the hell? Where'd that sink come from?!'' ''What you see is a genjutsu Kotetsu ooooooo!'' Izumo said trying to be scary

Correction: can’t be bothered to PROPERLY explain.

Correction: Let’s use every chance to say it was a ninja art of some kind.

Correction: completely butchering the english language.

''Shut the hell up and hurry up, we got another day of writing down traffic. Ugh, we always get stuck doing this shit.''

“Probably has something to do with the fact we’re background characters.”

What traffic? Cos the only motor vehicles are in the land of Snow. Do you mean Caravan traffic for trades?

5 minutes later..

Oh. Would you look at that… Another transition…

More lazy writing.

About a quarter mile out from the main gate we see the young Kurotsuchi and the Tsuchikage's secretary named Chihiro approaching the main gate.

Still don’t see anything.

FUCKING DESCRIBE SHIT DAMMIT!

It’s easier to get into the story’s scenery if you describe it a little bit.

Chihiro looked to face the young girl and saw that she was dawning an annoyed expression on her face. ''What's wrong Kurostuchi? Aren't you excited to visit another village let alone live in one for a while?'' She asked the young kunoichi to be

“I know you struggle to emote, but really…”

USE PERIODS!

She made her hate for Konohagakure very (not really) prominent in the very beginning. Did you just leave the room without anyone seeing you or did you not pay attention?

''No! I don't want to live in that poor excuse of a village. They're all murderers and deserve to be wiped out off the face of the Earth.'' Kurotsuchi shot back

What sort of brainwashing did you go through?

Obviously one of unreasonable hate toward a village instead of the one person who killed her mom.

“I don’t know who killed my mother so I’ll blame the whole village that is often called one of the most accepting!” Also, I don’t believe Naruto was ever said to take place on Earth, it was always called the Elemental Nations.

''Stop it, when are you going to understand that this is for our village's benefit? Do you not want us to at least be on friendly terms with Konoha or would you rather have the both of us hate each other forever and probably go to war again? You know we aren't in a position to fight another war Kurotsuchi, if another one broke out we would be annihilated. We've lost so many shinobi last time and we can't go through that again. Besides, think of it this way. You've already mastered your lava release correct?''

Another wall of dialogue. Do you think these characters are capable of performing actions while talking, or are they not advanced enough?

Yay! Wall of text! Cos everyone like those! Their like the floating heads in Rick and Morty.

Kurotsuchi nods at Chihiro's question.

''Then you can add the element of fire to your disposal to make you even more awesome. Fire is probably the most powerful element and from what I've heard has some really good jutsu for it. So that's a benefit for you.'' Chihiro finished

“Just a reminder, I’m doing this for a paycheck.”

“Because you’re a brat with poor character development even for a canon character!”

To make yourself more awesome? Seriously? Just because she has a Kekkei Genkai doesn’t mean that the main cast will like her, especially since she has a poorer attitude than Sasuke.

''And what other benefits are there huh?'' Kurotsuchi snorted

OINK OINK

SUUUUEWEEEE!

''Besides being educated and taught in fire release techniques, you'll also be trained by the best academy out of the five great nations. Konoha is well known for producing excellent ninja and they're no doubt the best trained as well. So there's that.'' Chihiro explained

If you do that, THEN you can crush them.

Crush them in your mighty Russian thighs.

Kurotsuchi's eyes turned into stars. 

Jesus!

'She does have a point! I'm already awesome as it is but being trained by the best ninja...gross, I mean, being trained by Konoha's best is not too shabby at all. Learning fire release makes it even better too!'

“I’m too cool to acknowledge any sort of superiority from Konoha!”

“My ego is massive unlike my breasts!”

“My ego is compensation!”

Guys, she’s ten...

''Hey, we're here.'' Chihiro said snapping Kurotsuchi out of her thoughts, 'Huh?'

''I said we're here.''

Kurotsuchi looks towards her front and sees the main gate of Konohagakure, open and ready to accept whoever walks through them. She had to admit it gave off a friendly, warm and welcoming vibe which was something that she wasn't used to.

I am 99.999% confident she’ll still treat everyone like a piece of shit.

I’m pretty confident she’ll meet Naruto within the first chapter.

I’m pretty confident she’s going to pick a fight with every single one of them.

The two Iwa ladies then enter the gate and walk up towards the small checkpoint where Izumo and Kotetsu were.

''Hi, may I see your identification, papers, all those goodies?'' Izumo asked with a warm smile

All those goodies? That is extremely lame.

Waiting for the moment to stab a bitch. PLOT TWIST, Izumo is the true villain of this plot!

ʕงಠᴥಠʔง Wanna go bro?

Chihiro reaches for her I.D. and hands it to the Chunin. Looking at Kurotsuchi she raises her eyebrow prompting the young girl

RAGE

to hand Kotetsu her exchange papers. The two Chunin then take the time to look over the documents before nodding in satisfaction.

“Sorry ma’am, I’m afraid I need to stab you.”

“I’m to lazy to write Protagonist’s name so here’s a half assed nickname which is just her name shortened.”

''So I presume this young lady is part of the exchange program between our villages?'' Izumo asked handing the two ladies their documents ''Yes, young Kurotsuchi here will attend the academy.'' Chihiro replied with a smile

Sure, that’s what they all say!

Even though she’s said she’s already ‘good enough’.

''Just my luck...'' Kurotsuchi mumbled ''Oh come on little lady! The Konoha ninja academy is the best! We have amazing instructors and the student body is quite diverse as it is already! I think you'll meet some good kids your age you'd get along well with.'' Kotetsu inquired

“It’s not like we’re going to kill you like your mother!”

“Which I’m sure is going to somehow be used against you for plot!”

Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch. I bet you the author is going to stick her in Team 7 for no good reason.

''Yeah, whatever you say.'' The soon to be kunoichi groaned before receiving a tap on the back of the head from Chihiro

Main character despise all goodwill and warmth.

THE GOODWILL! IT BURNS! 

This is Katherine all over again. DAMMIT! GET THE PAN!

''Heh, excuse her behavior she isn't feeling well this morning gentlemen! Would you be so kind to escort us to see the Hokage?''

Translation: “She’s being a bitch and embarrassing me. Can we go?”

Translation to translation: Little cunt needed to be aborted.

We’re right back to overly formal, just talk like a normal person please.

''Sure.'' Izumo said before clearing his throat, ''Oh ANBUUUUUUUUUUU!'' He shouted in a sing-song voice

Escorting your whiney ass is bad enough, don’t embarrass the poor guy but having him do a singsong voice in the middle of the road. 

And like that (COMMA) two ANBU agents appeared before the four of them. ''Could you guys escort these ladies to see Lord Hokage? The little lady there is an exchange student from Iwagakure.'' Izumo explained.

You know that default icon you have when you don’t set your profile picture? That’s how I imagine all of these characters.

Y’know that feeling you get when you smell horseshit incoming? I’m getting that right now. OH WAIT! THIS WHOLE STORY IS BULLSHIT!

The two ANBU nod before motioning the Iwa ladies to follow suit. ''Man, she is a mean girl!" Kotetsu said once they were out of hearing range

Thank you Captain Obvious.

Holy shit! Someone who understands us! FINALLY!

More like she’s a mega bitch, who can’t stop whining about how she can’t stand Konahagakure’s inhabitants because one ninja killed her mom.

''She's from Iwa so it makes sense why she's acting like that so give the kid a break Kotetsu.'' Izumo said in a bossy voice

I’m sorry, what? Give the kid a break? No. She’s being rude to you for no valid reason.

“The readers would’ve needed to know the main plot line to understand anything that’s going on. I’d hate to be that guy.”

Author believes we can remember what happened 700+ episodes/mangas and ten movies ago.

''Well I sure hope she doesn't end up...killing some kids from our village considering that some bad blood still exists between us and them.''

On second thought, it probably wasn’t a good idea to let her in the village.

She’ll probably commit arson. Like the Kyuubi did. Too soon?

''I agree.'' Izumo concluded The two of them were left to sulk in depression as another day as gate guards begins.

 HAHAHA DEPRESSION IS FUNNY.

HAHAHA LIKE MY ALCOHOLISM!

HAHAHA YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP!

-Hokage Tower-

I’m fine. Really.

Chihiro, Kurotsuchi and the two ANBU are seen walking up the staircase towards the Hokage's office. After a few more minutes (COMMA) they finally approach the large double doors where the office is.

Yay for poor descriptions!

Wow, these descriptions almost make me feel like I’m actually there.

''Here we are, please go ahead and enter.'' One of the ANBU said ''Thank for your escort.'' Chihiro said

Nodding, the two ANBU then shunshin leaving the two ladies alone. Chihiro then bent down to where she was eye-level with Kurotsuchi. ''Now Kurotsuchi, I want you to be on your best behavior alright? For the love of Kami

Get it?! The Japanese word for God?! GET IT?!

Even though I’m sure Naruto has it’s own gods and legends right?

Stopderailingtheauthor’sjokewithyourfacts.

don't start anything with any of the young Konoha shinobi, don't pick fights and please don't insult the Hokage. That would be pretty bad since he knows the Tsuchikage's granddaughter is attending the shinobi exchange program.''

“He will have you shot.”

''I can't guarantee that Chihiro-san, my temper and arrogance gets the best of me sometimes so whatever I do you can blame the brats who pushed me.'' Kurotsuchi snorted

“I’m a cool teen that does whatever I want without any consequences! It’s their fault for crossing me!”

Jesus, it’s Sasgay.

Sasuke has a better attitude than her.

''YOUNG LADY.'' Chihiro shouted as her eyes glow red sending waves of killer intent towards the little girl

Good job reprimanding her by reminding her that she is, in fact, a young female.

''Ung!''

A+ dialogue.

Sounds like the name of a character from Dawn of the Croods.

Way to make her sound constipated.

''You're our representative for this program, since we are so low on shinobi we can only send you and you seriously better behave! Make Iwagakure look good you hear me? Most importantly, make Lord Tsuchikage look good.''

You’re really expecting her to understand something like that? I thought better of you Assistant Chihiro.

Assistant is expecting a lot of Shitty Protagonist.

I find it funny that she’s expecting her NOT to mess this up.

Kurotsuchi knew she was right, she can't screw up and now she had to throw away her hatred of Konoha aside if she wanted to even be a kunoichi. ''Fine, I understand Chihiro-san. I promise to behave.'' Kurotsuchi sighed with honesty in her words

“Even though I don’t really. I’ll probably spend most of the story making this a living hell for just about everyone here.”

“I don’t give a shit about anyone.”

“I’m just gonna throw a tantrum and make everyone's life hell until they get sick of me and send me home.”

Chihiro smiled, maybe Kurotsuchi would pull through and get through the ninja academy without causing any problems. Getting up she balls her hand into a fist ready to knock on the door.(SPACE)''Ready Kurotsuchi? She asked turning to look at the girl

“Even if you’re not, I’m still going to knock anyway.”

YAY PLOT!

''Yes.'' Chihiro then knock on the door three times as loud as she could. The two of them were greeted with silence

Oh, hey silence! How’s it going? Creeping in stories with ridiculous prose I see!

Silence, why did you leave us with wall texts!?

before a voice spoke. ''Come in.''

So descriptive.

Chihiro then grabs the door(ONE WORD)knob and turns it opening the door and they enter the office. Closing the door behind them Chihiro turns to face the Hokage and the two of them were greeted by an elderly man Kurotsuchi guessed was the same age as the Tsuchikage. He had a warm smile on his face and was smoking a pipe.

Ah, you look like an asshole. Not because of your nonexistent character description, but because you’re from ~Konoha~.

Cos all old people with pies are assholes.

''Ah, are you the two lovely ladies from Iwagakure? I am Hiruzen Sarutobi and I am the Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato.'' He welcomed

No, just no. Be consistent with your naming. This makes your writing look sloppy jumping between the english dubbed name and the full japanese name of the village.

Kurotsuchi is no lady with how she acts. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Jesus this IS Katherine.

''Yes, I have brought young Kurotsuchi here to attend your academy as part of the Shinobi Exchange on behalf of the Tsuchikage.'' Chihiro explained

You should have already known that, but I’m not going to say anything about it.

I’ve given up on the plot.

This political motive is still lame.

Smiling, the Hokage looks at Kurotsuchi. The girl was a bit apprehensive but when she saw that his eyes had a look of calm and kindness in them she sighed in relief.

Because she wasn’t trained enough to keep her guard up no matter what just by looking in someone's eyes.

“Stop being so nice to me and let me hate you!”

“Let me be an angsty bitch that hates the entire village for no good reason.”

“My mother IS dead, but I blame the whole place.”

''Hm, and do you have your files? Any important documents you will need to enroll in our academy young Kurotsuchi?''

Again, you trusted the ten-year-old with the important paperwork.

Nodding, Kurotsuchi takes her file out of her pack and walks up to the elderly man. Taking it from the girl Hiruzen then proceeds to look over her enrollment papers that came with the packet. Nodding in satisfaction he then places the papers on his desk.

And the plot continues at a snail’s pace.

There was a plot?

''Well then, your grandfather must really want you to be part of the program. I'll gladly mail this to the academy headmaster and you will receive a letter in the mail that will confirm your acceptance.'' ''Thank you Lord Hokage.'' Kurotsuchi said politely as she bows

“But not really. I still fucking hate your guts.”

I called it when she was gonna start going soft the moment she came here.

She’s the angsty teen character, that's exactly what’s going to happen.

''Haha, no need for formalities young lady, today I'm feeling very jolly so just call me Hokage-sama okay?''

Which is still formal.

First time you use formalities correctly is when you say don’t use them. GAH!

San would be more casual than sama. Just saying.

''Oh, okay Hokage-sama.'' Kurotsuchi chuckled

“I still hate you and everyone in this village. Now quit being nice and let my hate fester.”

''Ahem, now I will give you your address to the apartment complex you will live in with the other village exchange students. Don't worry about not being guarded because I have ANBU guarding the apartment 24/7 just in case anyone dares to try and attack children from other villages. Your safety is our utmost concern.'' Hiruzen said with a smile

“This isn’t effective anywhere outside the apartments so you’re pretty much on your own everywhere else. Pretty counter-intuitive, right?”

“Even though this is the first time we’ve done exchanges with ninjas.”

He then takes a pen and writes down the address to the complex before handing it to Kurotsuchi. ''There you go, that will be all. So do you have anything else to say before I send you off?''

Now would be the time to request bail.

-Prepares ceremonial noose-

''Nothing here for me to say Lord Hokage, thank you for having Kurotsuchi here in your village. I'm sure Lord Tsuchikage would be pleased.'' Chihiro said with a bow ''No problem, will that be all?'

“Yeah, can I punch you since I hate you?”

The two Iwa ladies shake their heads in response before Hiruzen dismissed them. They proceed to leave the tower and make their way towards the front entrance of the building. Chihiro bends down to Kurotsuchi's level to bid her farewell. ''Well Kurotsuchi, this is where I have to leave you dear. You going to be okay on your own?'' She questioned

In other words, you’re not going to fuck up, are you?

I sense future fucking up.

''Yeah yeah, I'm a big girl now so don't stress out. I'll find my way to the complex.'' Kurotsuchi answered with confidence

“I’m a big kid now!”

“I wear huggies!”

“I’m sooooooo gonna get lost.”

''Good, be on your best behavior and we'll see you at graduation.'' Kissing her on the forehead Chihiro then waves good-bye before walking off and disappearing into the crowd.

Well, that was awkward.

“I don't have to deal with your ass anymore, BYE BITCH!”

Kurotsuchi then looks at the paper with the address on it and begins making her way there.

How does she magically know her way around?

-Apartment complex, 1 hour later-

Hahahaha. You must really like those FUCKING transitions. Hahahaha...

FUCK YOU!

Kurotsuchi spent over an hour looking for her apartment complex but it was no easy task. She got lost five minutes after she began her search. 'Man! Konoha is no doubt the largest village of them all! I never got lost in Iwa like this before.'

“It has nothing to do with the fact that I lived in Iwa up to this point!”

“KONOHA SUCKS! BUT I LIKE HOW BIG IT IS!"

That’s because genius you lived there your entire life, this is new territory.

Walking into the door she shows the front desk receptionist her exchange papers and receives the key to her apartment. Thanking the receptionist (COMMA) she then makes her way up to the third floor where her apartment is.

Wow~ So descriptive~!

How much do you bet this is the complex Naruto lives at?

I bet all of Jack Sparrow’s rum.

''Let's see...C-1, C-2, Ah! Here is apartment C-3.'' Taking her key she unlocks the door and opens it. She was greeted to cool air to which she sighs in relief. 'Wow! The A.C. is already on!' She thought as she walks into the living room.

Turns out her apartment is a giant white box. No furniture or anything.

Just an A.C.

Setting her pack on the desk in the kitchen she notices an envelope and a note on the table for her. Picking it up she opens the envelope and finds over $500,000 for food shopping and other necessities that she may need later on.

In AMERICAN? THEY USE JAPANESE MONEY DUMBASS!! ALSO! THAT MUCH IN FOOD?! FOR ONE PERSON!?

IT’S CALLED YEN, YOU FOOL. THEY DON’T EVEN USE YEN IN NARUTO ANYWAY. *ahem* Needless to say, she has to be a heavy eater or else she won’t pair well with her ~love interest~

Taking the note she reads it, Dear Kurotsuchi,

This is a letter from me, Hiruzen Sarutobi and I just wanted to let you know I am glad that you have decided to attend the Konoha ninja academy on behalf of your grandfather Tsuchikage Onoki and the exchange program to help improve relations between our two nations. In the envelope if you haven't opened it yet contains enough ryo to last you the entire four years you will be in the academy. Please spend it wisely on things you will need such as food, clothes, hygiene and cleaning products. Do not worry about bills because the power, water and other household utilities are free as part of being in the program. Once again I thank you and welcome you to Konohagakure no Sato and I hope you enjoy your stay and your future career as an Iwa kunoichi in service to Konoha. -Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage

He seems to really like bending over backwards for these exchange students.

Couldn’t you at least have made the letter a different text like italics?

No, that would be too much work.

Smirking,

“Ha, that’s right! You’re my bitch!”

“I WON’T SPEND THE MONEY WISELY!”

Kurotsuchi puts the letter aside and opens her fridge to find it stocked up! ''Holy crap! The old man planned ahead huh?'', Looking into the fridge's shelves she spots several frozen meats, Sriracha sauce, frozen yogurt, dumpling recipes and various fruit juices. Peeking at the top of the fridge she spots two gallons of water and two 24-packs of water bottles stacked atop one another. Moving onwards towards the counter she sees cooking utensils placed neatly and orderly. Taking a chair (COMMA) she climbs onto the counter-top and opens up the shelves and sees various cooking ingredients such as salt, pepper and everything you would want.

You take the time to describe this, but nothing else?

Cos food is priority apparently.

Obviously. 

''You know, maybe being here wouldn't be THAT bad..'' She whispered to herself

You only think this because you don’t have to work for any of that.

Fat bitch.

She then proceeds to unpack her bag and takes out a fresh pair of clothes to shower. Thirty minutes later she exits the shower and jumps onto the couch in the living room. ''The couch feels nice, much better than those old ones back home.''

“My bastard grandpa was right! I do like it better here!”

Wow. -__- Guess you forgot your mother’s death. But I’m sure it’ll come back up for plot.

She’ll probably meet her killer and kill them to avenge her mother, knowing our luck.

Deciding that sitting and laying would be boring she decided that she might as well go out and explore the village a little since it's better to know it now than later so she doesn't get lost. Getting up she then heads out the door and begins her self(HYPHEN)tour of the village.

Silly nugget. Didn’t you forget you got lost?

Apparently yes.

She has the attention span of a goldfish.

-Konoha Streets-

HahahaHAHAHAHAHA. I’m going to end you.

ʕ╯°ᴥ°ʔ╯FUCK IT!

After over two hours of walking through the village and finding where the food, shinobi and clothing stores were she was starting to feel hungry and thought it would be a good idea to get some lunch. Checking her little watch (COMMA) she saw that it was around one in the afternoon. ''Hm, I wonder if this dump has any good places worth eating at.''

Yes, this ‘dump’ is more put together and reformed than your dump you call home as stated in the first couple of paragraphs.

Even after being raveged by a giant fox. (I mean their repairs are kind shoddy in some places)

Well according to this, they did get bombed several months prior, so the dumpiness has to be stated twice.

She said as she stops to take a quick look around. One stand catches her eye. A ramen stand that had a sign sporting the words 'Ichiraku Ramen!'. ''Well I guess ramen will do since it looks relatively friendly and cheap.'' She said to herself as she walks up to the shop.

“Still a dump though.”

“Still hate it here. Just like the food.”

Taking a seat (COMMA. YOU REALLY LIKE GERUNDS, I SEE) she notices that the stand only had about twelve seats and was really small but had a really nice and friendly atmosphere to it. She spots a girl with brown hair who appeared to be a year older

Your powers of observation are lacking and at the same time are sharp enough to tell the minute age gap between you and an absolute stranger.

Semi-All knowing MC.

than her cleaning the dishes while an older man in his mid-thirties was seen prepping the broth for the noodles. She sat there silently before the girl spotted her.

Speak dammit, I get you’re from the land of ROCKS, but you are not a ROCK! AAAAAAAGH!

I know you have the emotional capacity of a potato, but the least you can do is use your words instead of awkwardly sitting there.

Sitting around and being awkward is the best social interaction dontcha know?

''Hi! Welcome to Ichiraku ramen! What can I get you?'' The girl said in a very cheerful tone ''Oh, um this is my first time here... (CAPITALIZE)actually this is my first time in this village so I don't really know what you have..'' Kurotsuchi replied

Well, ramen for starters.

There weren't ramen stands at your home? You know, literally the cheapest meal ever besides crackers. ALSO READ THE MENU BITCH!

''I think I can guess why you haven't been here before young lady. It's because you're in the shinobi exchange program (COMMA) right?'' The older man said without looking at her

That man must be a mindreader!

MORE ALL KNOWING CHARACTERS!

''Erm, yeah that's why. I'm from Iwagakure.''

And as such I show no emotion. Beep boop. Kill all humans.

Beep boop. KILL ALL OF KONOHA. Beep beep boop.

I am a robot. Beep bop beep boing.

''Iwa huh? Never met anyone from there before so it's a pleasure! I'm Teuchi and this fine little lady here is my daughter Ayame.'' Teuchi introduced with a bow ''Nice to meet you!'' Ayame greeted ''Kurotsuchi, likewise.''

“I lack a last name because it makes me cool.”

“You’re not cool enough to know my last name.”

''You know since it's your first time here I'll give you a free bowl on the house.'' Teuchi said as he dumps some ramen into the broth to cook

Great business, give the little whore a free bowl just cos she’s new. Gold star!

Shut it, that’s a good strategy to get the little bitch to show up again!

-,,,,- This does not please Zoidberg.

''I mean, if you insist that is.'' Kurotsuchi shrugged

“I have the emotional capacity of exactly half of a teaspoon.”

That’s not very much.

''Hey it's on the house!''

“So, you’ll spend money here, right?

''Oh fine. Thanks anyway.''

I’m sorry, but the command “gratitude” is currently unavailable. Please try again later.

Thankful.exe has stopped working.

After about five minutes another person comes into the stall and takes a seat two stools away from Kurotsuchi. Looking out the corner of her eye she could make out a boy with spiky blonde (BLOND) hair about her age. Turning to face him completely she saw that he had blue eyes and whisker marks on his cheeks that made him look a bit feral.

I FUCKING CALLED IT!

After the last story, the word “feral” gives me PTSD

This feral enough?

I will bury you alive (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

I’m taking the rum with me.

''Oh! Daddy, Naruto is here!" Ayame shouted in glee

I read this as ‘Daddy naruto’ oh god.

''Get him his usual!'' Teuchi called out The blonde (BLOND IS FOR MALES, BLONDE IS FOR FEMALES) boy sat there with a huge smile on his face. Noticing the girl sitting close to him he turns his head and looks her way. The two lock eyes for a moment before Naruto gave her his trademark grin then turning away.

Despite never being to the village before nor meeting the main character, she knows exactly what his trademark grin is.

Bruh… She’s back to all knowing again.

There was something about the look in his eyes that got Kurotsuchi curious. While his eyes and smile displayed happiness Kurotsuchi saw a sense of loneliness and depression.

Oops, your all knowing narrator syndrome is showing again.

Goddammit, even Jacob was this all knowing.

Of course you’re curious, you want something to compare to.

''Hiya! I'm Naruto! You can send the love letters later, nice to meet you!" The blonde (BLOND) greeted with his foxy grin as he looks back at her

You can send the love letters later? Seriously, that is way out of character for him.

That right there is the epitome of a lady killer. Figuratively and maybe literally.

Why is NOBODY saying their last names when meeting each other!?

''Uh, yeah..'' She said as a bowl of ramen was placed in front of her, 'Oh dang, that actually looks really good!'

“I was expecting a piece of trash from a trash town!”

“I hate this stupid trash town and its stupid trash people.”

Did you just expect disgusting slop or something?

''Enjoy!'' Ayame said before giving the blonde (BLOND) his bowl. ''Thanks Ayame!'' He shouted as he goes to devour his bowl in 2.5 seconds

Exactly. Not a second more.

He doesn’t even eat that fast in the actual manga and anime.  ʕ>ಠᴥಠʔ> ======= O

Evidently we must over exaggerate how fast the boy can eat.

Kurotsuchi was taking her second bite when she looked at the boy and her eyes nearly rocketed out of her sockets. That blonde (BLOND) had already eaten twelve bowls while she was only on her second bite!

 Pretty sure he would have choked. Which might have been preferable given who the love interest is.

You know what Kuro’s gonna choke on later? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Naruto’s salami.

Che?

*pat pat* When you’re older Coffee.

'Holy crap, how the heck does he do that? No human on earth can eat that fast!' She thought with a deadpan expression

Dead like her mother.

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Dead like my will to live.

Another five minutes would go by and when Kurotsuchi got halfway through her bowl she turned and looked and saw over twenty more empty bowls stacked up beside the boy.

Is he just allowed to do that? Eating that much ramen costs a bit. It’s a business, not a charity.

I know Naruto eats ramen A LOT, but he doesn’t eat this MUCH DAMMIT!

Good lord you take forever to eat.

'This guy doesn't hold back when it comes to eating huh?'

Nope.

Picking up the pace Kurotsuchi devours her bowl just as Naruto finished bowl number twenty-two. Burping he turns to look at the girl giving her a grin. ''I see you trying to eat as fast as me huh? Think you can do better?'' He asked

Of course she does! She’s the main character!

Cos MC’s can do anything!

Kurotsuchi just scoffed before a second bowl was placed in front of her. With the utmost efficiency (COMMA.) she managed to devour it in five seconds much to Naruto's surprise.

You are paying for that one, right?

“I’ve never done this before or eat eat ramen at all but watch me down this shit like  beer!”

''Haha! That was fast but not fast enough!'' Naruto said as another bowl was placed in front of him and to Kurotsuchi's surprise he ate it in literally a quarter of a millisecond.

Chewing is no longer a necessity. He just unhinges his jaw and devours it whole. The bowl included.

She’s gonna win, I just know it. Or she loses and follows Naruto to his home.

''What the?!'' She said Setting the bowl down the blonde (HAVE I MADE MY POINT YET?)turns to face the girl with his supposed signature grin. ''Think you can top that girly?'' He questioned

But of course she’s gonna.

“Girly?”, Naruto doesn’t call anyone girly, you’re letting his OOC show again.  

With a tic mark forming on her head she pounds on the counter and screams ''Third bowl! Now!"

“MY PRIDE IS AT STAKE HERE! I CAN’T LOSE TO THIS TRASH PERSON FROM THIS TRASH TOWN.”

“MUST WIN AT SOMETHING I’VE NEVER DONE BEFORE!”

''Here you go!" Teuchi said Grabbing the bowl and putting it against her face she proceeds to devour it at a speed that was considered inhuman that even Naruto was once again taken by surprise. 'I won't lose! Kurotsuchi always wins because I'm the best!' Two hours later..

Oh lookie… A time skip. This stand’s out of business by now.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

After over two hours having a ramen eating contest

Really? Two hours have passed? Are you sure? I know you told us in that God-awful transition, but just got to be certain.

neither of them were aware of the two of them had eaten a total of one-hundred bowls each and now they were on their last bowls as their little stomachs were on the verge of exploding.

Fucking really? If Naruto’s draining bowls in 2.5 seconds he’d be beyond 100 in TWO FUCKING HOURS!

They had to stop before the bill became even more outrageous. Which I hope they’re paying for.

They’re not going to and we all know it. She has to win because “she’s the best.”

''I...I won't lose to you (COMMA) blondie.'' Kurotsuchi moaned as she takes her chopsticks and takes a bite of some ramen

Bet this won’t be the only time she moans around Naruto.  ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ wink wink nudge nudge

SCROTAL PUNCH!

NOOOO! (ಥ﹏ಥ)

You kinda should have expected that.

''Y..yeah sure...I'm a natu-*Burp* (THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE DIALOGUE)-ral at this..'' Naruto groaned as he tries to take one last bite but before he could put the ramen in his mouth his head slumps forward and lands on the counter. His body seemingly unconscious.

I think he might be dead.

*pokes the body with a stick* nope he twitched, still alive.

Can’t kill Love Interest off, whose MC gonna use a pillow to cry on when she remembers Dead Mama?

''Yes!'' Kurotsuchi shouted with her arms raised

Of course she fucking won. -__-. RAMEN IS LITERALLY ALL NARUTO CAN AFFORD FOR A MEAL! BESIDES SPOILED MILK!

Teuchi and Ayame couldn't help but laughed at the two children.

“I can’t wait so see their faces when I show them the bill.”

Considering Asian currency is often a much lower value, I’ll say the ‘500,000’ is actually more so around a much lower amount in American, so she wasted it all on ramen. TWO HOURS OF TWO AND A HALF SECOND BOWLS OF RAMEN FROM A SHITTY STAND!

He gave her enough for four years, she not running out for awhile.

Fun fact, one US dollar is equal to ten ryo, the official currency in Naruto. Also there are 3600 seconds in an hour. So eating 2.5 seconds consistently for two hours gets about 2880 bowls. Average ramen at a shop like this one costs usually no more than 500 yen (50 ryo). This get’s you about 144,000 ryo ($14,000). And that’s just accounting for one of them, not counting the bowls that Naruto had devoured before starting this competition.

Lucky for them, the writer had mentioned it was only 100 bowls a piece. So instead of that number it’s more like 5000 ryo ($500) per person. Which is still expensive.

But that doesn’t make since, if it’s only one hundred bowls, that means they must’ve slowed down A LOT to make that amount, together, in two hours. Also: Why didn’t the owner stop them. Surely they just ate most of his stock for the day.

''Aaaaaand I believe the winner is the young Iwa exchange student!'' Teuchi declared while Ayame applaud, ''Congrats! Looks like Naruto has a rival!'' ''W-whatever...''

“I-It’s not like I like you or anything! B-Baka!”

AHAHAHHAHA. Get out.

Kurotsuchi said as she devours her last bowl before she performs a hand seal for a technique that allows her full stomach to immediately digest all the food.

That’s cheating!

(ಥ﹏ಥ) Really?

''There, all better, thanks for the food old guy!'' Kurotsuchi says as she takes off

“I’m not gonna pay for it, What’s-Your-Face.”

She keeps her money, like the little slut she is.

Checking her watch she saw that it was about five in the evening and decided to go look around for the training fields. After thirty minutes of searching she found the Third Training Field where she hoped she could practice some moves in peace away from the bustling village. She enters the field and the sight was quite nice compared to the Iwa training fields. It was in the middle of a small forest with a large river cutting through the middle of it that led to a lake a quarter mile away.

Lookie Coffee! No transitions!

Truly a marvelous day.

Oh, happy day!

''Huh, I guess this place is somewhat nice.'' She said to herself before taking out a small scroll from her small pack and focuses some chakra-

HOLY SHIT! FIRST TIME CHAKRA WAS MENTIONED! HOLY FUCK!

It’s a miracle, actual show related stuff is being described!  0_0

- into her hand. Placing it on the scroll a sword materializes and she unsheathes it and begins practicing some Kendo techniques for over a few hours before deciding to head back to her apartment.

Well, the descriptiveness didn’t last long. 

-Shopping District of Konoha, the same night-

Yeah, no. Everything is fine. EvERYTHING IS FUCKING DANDY. I’M NOT MAD. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE MAD?

FUCK! I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING!

IT IS OFFICIALLY YOUR FAULT FOR THIS.

Yep, gif sums it up.

NO IT DOESN’T. THAT DOESN’T EVEN SCRATCH THE SURFACE.

It was around eight at night now and Kurotsuchi was walking the now semi quiet streets of Konoha.

Descriptions are top-notch as usual. (Read as lacking)

As the Cromulons would say: DISQUALIFIED!

 She was glad she was walking home at this time because during the day Konoha was jam packed with people moving around making it pretty challenging to walk the streets. Since it was eight now traffic had died down about 40% making travel much easier.

 40% precisely, based on what she only saw that one day.

All-Knowing Syndrome is back.

She continued walking until she heard a huge commotion up the street and saw a mob of sorts doing what she believed was chasing someone.

Taking bets now. $50 says it’s her love interest.

$40 on it being Chihiro.

''Huh, who pissed those guys off?'' She whispered to herself, ''Oh well, none of my business.''

Oh boy, villagers chasing someone at night, who ever could it be. -__-. +100 points for using originality.

She was about to turn the other direction when she heard what sounded like a child shout in pain, ''What the hell?'' She said before running towards the mob.

 Chronic Hero Syndrome +50.

As she was approaching the mob she heard various sentences being said. ''Kill the demon!''

 Yep, it’s Love Interest. -hands Coffee 50 bucks- Dammit.

I’ll take that!

''You will pay for what you did all those years ago!’’

Mob mentality of course -.-.

+2 points for great speech. -__-

''Time to die!''

Sooooo original. -___-

Oh no, not Naruto! The true MC!

Quickly, save your love interest even though you supposedly hate this town and everyone in it!

She made her way directly behind the mob and spotted a mix of shinobi and villagers carrying various weapons such as pitchforks, katanas, kusarigamas and torches.

+50 points for having professionally trained shinobi join in instead of stopping.

This is some Frankenstein-esque shit.

This is unoriginal. I see it in NEARLY EVERY DAMN NARUTO FANFIC!

Peaking (PEEKING) through the gaps of their legs (COMMA AND STOP ABUSING GERUNDS) she saw someone familiar. It was that blonde (NO E UNLESS NARUTO IS A LADY) Naruto kid from the ramen stand! The boy was in a fetal position cowering in fear before the mob.

“We are strangely prone to violence here!”

I mean if he’s ten and has this many adults wanting to beat him up, I can’t blame him.

The problem here is that the adults didn’t join in the beating, they just verbally berated him. It was the kids and teenagers that beat the hell out of him.

''These idiots are picking on some kid?

And how old are you, kid?

TEN! LIKE HIM! YOU CAN’T DO SHIT! LEAST KATHERINE HAD A PAN! I MEAN PLAN!

Well I'll show them who's boss!...Wait...I'll only cause a problem if I attack anyone from here..damn.'' She said to herself, ''Guess I'll just save the blondie and get out of here.''

You guess. It’s the only way to move the plot forward.

This is the part where you get creative and not just wing it.

Save him so you can get that sweet smoked salami later ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

With that Kurotsuchi then hops over the mob and lands in between them and the blonde (IS HE A LADY?) holding her hand protectively in front of Naruto.

Who even is Kurotsuchi? Like I do not remember her at all. Never mind, looked her up: She’s actually a nice looking character and nicely developed as a person. In This story? Not so much.

“For some reason I care about this particular piece of trash. If he’s dead, he can’t foot the bill!”

Feeling the presence of someone looming over him Naruto opens his eyes and spots a person standing in front of him separating him from the mob with their hand held in front of him as if protecting him. 'It's that girl from the Ichiraku's!' He thought recognizing the girl

Somewhere in the background, someone yelled, “One of you fuckers owes us a shit-ton of money!”

“And a new supply of ingredients!”

''Who the hell are you girl?'' One of the villagers asked

She ate more than the living black hole called Naruto.

''Why the heck are you picking on some kid? She replied

“He can’t pay his - definitely not mine- debt if he’s dead! Do you know how much he -not me- spent tonight?!”

Again MC goes back to being a heartless bitch, remembering the town is stupid and trash.

''Don't protect that demon spawn! He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him and avenge our fallen comrades!'' One of the shinobi yelled

“It’s totally his fault for all of that!”

“Avenge our fallen comrades”, “He destroyed our village years ago and now we will destroy him”, “demon spawn” Nobody talks this formally anymore, get with the program.

“HE HAS WHISKERS! MUST BE ONE OF THEM THERE FURRY FELLAS!”

“That’s reason enough to kill him!”

''You're all scum for picking on a defenseless kid. Especially you (COMMA) shinobi! You're supposed to protect your comrades not hurt them let alone a poor child!" Kurotsuchi spat before one of the Chunin charged forth with a katana ready to cut Kurotsuchi down.

Somehow, they’re even worse trash than MC thought prior.

Better than ICP.

Seriously? They wouldn’t attack unless she presented herself as a threat you idiot.

What can I say? Author’s a dumbass.

'Oh man, just what I need.'

“Screw it! I don’t give a rat’s ass about my village’s reputation! Just as long as I can satisfy my BLOODLUST.”

“I don’t care if my grandpa, who's my leader, gets mad at me!”

Kurotsuchi took her katana-

Where the fuck did your katana come from?

You ask where thy magical sword is produced from? Her butt ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Pulled straight from her ass.

Just like the author did when writing this shitfest.

and swung it with enough force to swat the Chunin's katana right out of his grip catching the man by surprise. ''What the?!'' He shouted before Kurotsuchi karate chopped his temple knocking him out cold. Chuckling in satisfaction she turns to face the crowd, ''So who's next?'' She said challenging the mob to try her

Haha, really hope no one takes her seriously… There’s no way an untrained student can take down multiple Chunin.

She’s the all powerful MC, of course she can take them all down. *heavy sarcasm*

Meh, I’m sure nobody is, maybe the chunin let her win to make her ego flare.

Just as she said that two more Chunin charged towards her with kunai in hand and like the one before she effortlessly dodged all their attacks and proceeded to knock one of them out before choking the other out cold. Tossing his body aside two villagers came at her and she performed a roundhouse kick knocking them both backwards against the nearby dumpster. After several more minutes of ass(TWO WORDS)kicking Kurotsuchi had managed to beat the mob leaving them beaten into unconsciousness. Naruto was just staring at her in awe.

Turns out they were a bunch of regular villagers. There were also apparently no guards or any form of security to prevent this. Kurotsuchi was sent back home in a bodybag.

Cos a small, untrained, child waving a big sword can defeat fully trained ninjas, and I’m sure there had to be at least ONE Jonin there.

Sooo I’m supposed to buy that she effortlessly beat up half the village, well trained shinobi and walked away without even a single scratch? Yeah, no. Not buying it.

Cracking her neck and her knuckles she lets out a sigh of content. ''Now that was worth the work out!''

 You pulverized them with as much effort as it takes most of us to sneeze and you call it a work out.

Sad this is a canon character and the Author’s using her like a Mary Sue.

She declared before Naruto started speaking, ''Wow! That was so cool! I've never seen anyone kick butt like that! You are really good!'' The blonde (IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING?) declared

YES! MARVEL AT HER AWESOME POWER.

But don’t the villagers kick YOUR but like that? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Turning to face the boy she couldn't help but smirk, ''I only beat them because shinobi in your village are weak, that's why they got what they got by a ten-year old like me. I'm awesome and they suck end of story.'' She boasted,

“I’m making this all up to impress you, even if you are a piece of trash! B-Baka!”

“I’m awesome and they suck, end of story.” Such… Oh fuck it I give up. Bring me the 50 year old scotch.

I can practically see the bubble that is her ego inflating.

Quick! Someone get a needle!

Did someone say needle? ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I got some good fucking heroin for sale.

Nah, I’m good. I already have my coffee, the best kind of drug. (◕ヮ◕)

 ''So what did you do to make all these people want to kill you?'' ''Urm, well I never really did anything at all actually.'' He answered ''Suuuuuuuuuure.'' Kurotsuchi snorted,

I don’t know. He looks ten, but he has the eyes of a killer.

He’s a Yiffer, burn him. Oh god I just angered the Furries again.

She’s gonna learn the village secret here in the next few paragraphs I bet.

''Well it's getting late so you should head on home.'' She ordered as she handed him a handkerchief to clean off his bloody nose. ''Clean that blood off your face, you look like a mess.'' She ordered before she turns to hop over the rooftops. Just as she was about to hop Naruto reached out and grabbed her arm. ''Wait!'' Turning back Kurotsuchi shot an annoyed glare at the blonde (HE HAS A NAME YOU KNOW. OR IS IT SHE?) boy. ''What?''

 “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you skipping out of the bill!”

“OH! Sure I’ll pay it later” Never pays.

''W-what's your name?'' He asked

He’s probably going to send the bill straight to your address.

That’s what I’d do.

'Should I tell him my name or shouldn't I? Oh fine, I guess it wouldn't hurt. I mean it's only polite.' She thought

Even though politeness is something you also lacked the entire story up until now.

*coughs*bitch!*coughs*

''My name is Kurotsuchi.'' Smiling, Naruto gave her his trademark grin, ''I'm Naruto Uzumaki!'' He declared with a thumbs up. ''Um, you told me already but whatever.'' She said before hopping away

Shut your mouth! What happened to being polite?

But he didn’t tell you his LAST name tho! So there you go!

Naruto was left standing there in awe. ''She's cool...'' He mumbled to himself as a blush forms on his face

Figuratively and if I had my way, literally frozen in a block of ice to match her emotional depth.

I feel literally no connection between them. It’s AngelXEmily all over.

He then begins walking home towards his apartment complex. -Naruto's apartment complex-

You know what? Okay, fine. I’m not going to freak out about this. I will rip out your intestines and use them as a skip rope

/╲/\╭ ʕಥᴥಥʔ╮/\╱\ About time I scuttle outta here.

Naruto was making his way up the stairs of his apartment complex before coming up to his door. Reaching into his pocket he takes his keys and unlocks his door and enters it.

Descriptive descriptions are descriptive. Unlike this paragraph.

Unknown to him however that during his entire walk back to his apartment Kurotsuchi was watching him from the rooftops.

In an Edward Cullen-esque manner.

Watching him enter his apartment she then turns to head to hers. There was only one thought going through her mind.

/╲/\╭( ͡° ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ͡°)╮/\╱\ Is that the ending I see? Has God came to save us?

Why was she feeling very caring towards him?

He’s the main character.

He’s the future love interest.

So that concludes the first chapter of my attempt at a NaruKuro story. I know it won't be perfect but I hoped you enjoyed regardless

Oh, hon. We know.

CONCLUSION

The plot was shaky at best. The amount of convenient plot devices were atrocious, much like your blatant gerund-abuse. The main character isn't very likable and was hardly like the canon character you were supposedly writing. Granted, there is room for development. Your writing was lacking in descriptiveness and commas. It was a boring read, end of story. It needs work, but it is still somewhat salvageable if you take the time and actually think it through 4/10

I rate this as a single gif. WHY!? BECAUSE YOU TOOK A GREAT CANON CHARACTER, MASHED THEM WITH YOUR OWN TEEN ANGST AND SHAT IT OUT AS IF SHE WERE SOME GODDAMN MARY FUCKING SUE OC! YOU SIR DISGUST ME! AND YOU’RE ATTEMPT AT A BLOOMING ROMANCE IS SHITTY! THE PLOTS SHITTY! EVERYTHING IS SHITTY! I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HAVE TO REVIEW EVEN A SECOND MORE OF THIS SHIT I WILL FIND YOU AND STRANGLE YOU LIKE HOMER STRANGLES BART FUCKING SIMPSON! I give you my ultimate rating:

I’m calm now, anyways, that about sums my thoughts, what about you Tea?

The dialogue is incredibly unrealistic, the plot is half baked, if not completely raw. This side character has no place in Konohagakure at all but yet here we are with some idiotic and unrealistic political element that makes no sense. I give this a 1/10.

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

[coffeecupandteatime]

Jagerbomb’s Mini-reviews #1

Helloooooo everyone! This is you local alcoholic, Jagerbomb, here! ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ And this is a solo review by me of a story I just recently found called RWBYN: A Boy and his Dragon.

Long title, could use some shortening. Also gives away a main part of the story.

Also: As usual, please don’t read if you’re going to be serious about it. I mean, you’re on the internet.

Hey everyone, Kiryu here with a new story for Naruto and RWBY. I do not own Naruto or RWBY, but I own Akuma and the 1250-SSH.

Okay, I can see this was the guy who MADE Wolf of Trost. Also: What in the living fuck is a 1250-SSH? Some new kind of vibrator?

Summery: Naruto, after defeating Kaguya, was suddenly blasted into a portal by Sasuke at the last second. The knuckle-headed ninja awakens in a world unknown to him. He encounters a strange black creature that seems to of bonded to him after it hatched.-

Alright, summary is rather dull and quick. Also: Naruto gets sent to another world because of Sasuke/Kaguya/Tobi/Madara, a common way of starting Naruto-Xovers.

-2 for originality…. ʕ-_-ʔ Yay you.

-Naruto travels the lands for the next four years before making landfall in Vale, where his real adventure begins in Beacon.

I’m sooooo excited. ʕ-_-ʔ I’m going to regret this aren’t I?

Notes: Naruto will be powerful yes, but he will not be god like. The sudden shift in worlds merges his Chakra with Aura, giving him a Semblance, but making half his justus useless. He will keep his shadow clones, henge, shunshin, wall/tree climb and water walking. His semblance will be explored this chapter

In place on a Character Bio we get notes! We got notes everyone!

Props on limiting the abilities he can use tho, I’ll give ya that

Grimm Notes: Grimm in my story can 'breed', basically they can combine their blood together to create a new Grimm child. Most Grimm outside of Beowolves and Ursai abandon their children. Dragons, Nevermores, and King Taijitsus lay eggs that they leave in hidden places and never return to. All Grimm, when born, have a basic understanding of what Grimm they are and about Grimm as a whole.

Odd way of portraying the Grimm, definitely didn’t need to know how Grimm get it on.  ʕ;ᴥ;ʔ

Pairing: NarutoxRubyxCinderxPyrrhaxNeo.

Aaaaaand it’s a harem… And I had high hopes for you.

" I will protect my father with my life!" Akuma speaking out of link.

' I will always protect you, father.' Akuma speaking in link. (Should be underlined)

' Father is an idiot.' Akuma's thoughts.

" Dammit! Put the bottle down Naruto!" Normal speech.

' Im getting to old for this shit...' Normal thoughts

There’s typos already ʕ-,-ʔ It’s TOO and I’M, dumbass.

Time skips, Locations, and dates. (Should be underlined)

Flashbacks.

' Intercom, phones, and speakers.'  (should be underlined)

I see you’re still defining which texts are different. Joy.

On with the show!

Hey you grew some manners since last time! Good for you!  ʕ◡ᴥ◡ʔ

Four years before Canon timeline.

Okaaaay then… Awful setting still haunts you I see.

A portal high in the sky in Mistral opened up, the swirling was of dark energy surging with power before it seemed to spit something out before vanishing. A blond boy with orange around his eyes, which were yellow with cross-shaped pupils.

Usage of overused ‘Skyportal’ and ‘Falling Hero’, check. I’m losing more faith in you pal.

Also: I see you can describe characters now! That’s a surprise.

" Well fuck. Kurama, any ideas?" The blond boy said as he fell from the sky.

*coughs*gone!*coughs*

Silence.

" Kurama?"

Silence.

I called it. Honestly I’d be surprised if Kurama survived being sent to another realm, considering he’s made entirely of chakra, that wouldn’t work well: Two things could happen here, Kurama was simply erased during the transfer or he and Naruto merged… Cos reasons ʕಠᴥಠʔ -inhales deeply- God give me strength.

" KURAM-”

THUMP!

 That was my head hitting the table.

Also: Protagonist gets cut off suddenly.  D- for more originality….

The blond's body slammed into the branch of a large tree, knocking the boy out as the world went dark.

I’ve seen Hell and Back enough times to know what happens when you get knocked out by a tree.

Hint: Acorns. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

His body hit branch after branch before hitting the ground, where he rolled down a hill and into a ravine, where he continued to fall before finally stopping in an abandoned nest, next to a man-sized black egg that appeared to be a dud.

Oh sweet mother of god, already diving into the dragon aspect? Couldn’t wait for the end of the chapter to do that?! -slams head on table.- This author will be my death.

Also: Why a ravine of all places? I know he just fell from the sky (Which would’ve broken his bones, he’s not Superman.)

Suddenly the egg glowed blood red in the center as boy's nature chakra reach out towards it, causing the egg to shudder and crack.

Because nature chakra can do that now…? ʕ-,-ʔ I see how this is going now.

Nearly four hours later found the boy waking up as he sat up and rubbed his head.

And in those four hours I learned that Naruto would have been eaten by Grimm living in that ravine… Cos ya know, those things are EVERYFUCKINGWHERE!!

" My head hurts... Am I bleeding? Oh wonderful! I am!" He exclaimed as he wiped the blood off his hand on his torn up jacket. The blond looked around his surroundings and saw that he was in a deep ravine, seeing the sunlight above. He also noted-

I’mma cut in and point out that after all that falling, and hitting a tree and multiple rocks, all Naruto got was a little bit of blood. Seriously, I get chakra could act as a shield, but hitting that many things would eventually do more than a little bleeding. He should at least have a broken arm or some more scratches. Also, no mentioning of any wounds from battling Kaguya. Did he just insta heal the moment he fell in the portal? Jesus, that’s lazy writing.

- that he was in a empty nest, save for the egg shells next to him.

Wait what?

Such a wonderful response. Could’ve been actual dialogue, but you decided to avoid that. ʕಠᴥಠʔ -inhales deeply again- You’re killing me kid.

The blond snapped his head towards the egg shells and saw they were still wet on the inside, embryonic fluids oozing out. " Gross." He said as he stood up, popping his back.

Yes, because realistically that’s all ANYONE would say when waking up next to a GIANT HATCHED EGG! Goddammit, a sane person would be running the fuck away!

" Squaa!"

“SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!”

" Kurama!? what the fuck!?"

Furballs gone dude, I’m pretty sure he would’ve woken your dumbass up aloooooong time ago.

No answer.

Of course not. Still placing bets on if the fox is gone or merged with Naruto.

Blondie's face became blank as he realized the sound came from outside his head. He slowly turned around and peered into the darkness behind him to see a large form staring back.

A voice from outside his head? Well holy shit that’s new! Oh wait, it’s probably just the thing that’s going to eat him. I hope so, I’d like for this to end already. Also: ‘-into the darkness to see-’ Must be some bright darkness. 

It was about his height. It had a large pair of red bat-like wings (Which also appeared to be it's arms), a pair of legs and a tail with three claw-like tips.-

“LOL! My arms are wings! Yay!” Good job on that description buddy...

- The red membrane of the wing is translucent. It has rough black skin, with white bone-like spines along its body, including an external skull, rib cage and rows of dorsal spikes. The skull had red markings that all led up to the forehead, where a seal with the Uzumaki symbol in it.

Let’s stick the Uzumaki crest on it! Why? Because.why.the.fuck.not!

It also has three bony spikes on its tail and large claws on its hind legs. Its skull has a pair of large prominent horns and six blue-green eyes. Its jaw has teeth extending down along the creature's neck,-

Okay, I have to say that this was rather creepy, even when RT made it... Neck teeth are just... No.

 -beyond its skull, such that its entire neck also opens when it chirped at the boy. All its horns and spikes were short and dull, and the creature had a child's pudge.

You finally start describing characters that aren’t a Stu or Sue and you drone on about a baby dragon. I don’t know rather to congratulate you or cry about the needlessly long description.

' A baby... Dragon? And it has my symbol on it and a summoning seal on the skull. Kurama?'

No, what that thing technically is is a WYVERN, not a dragon… but sure let’s go with that…. Goddamn modern media. CURSE YOU!

Still no answer. The blond heard no snoring. No cursing. No growling. Just silence.

We get it! The fluffy asshole isn’t here, stop shoving it down our throats.

The blond let out a rageful scream as he stood up and slammed his fist into a nearby rock, crushing it with a chakra enhanced punch. The blond boy settled down as he sat down by the dragon baby, who was silently resting it's head in its master's lap.

Wait what? ʕ.__.ʔ Master?? When the fuck…?

' I'm sorry Master...'

Oh good God.

" Huh? Kurama?"

FUCKIGN CHRIST! THE FOX WON’T ANSWER BECAUSE HE’S GONE! 

ʕಠ益ಠʔ▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一

' Who is Kurama? Master, I'm next to you.

The blond looked over at the dragon to see it was staring down at him now. He stood up to stare back, but he was still shorter. " You?”

When the hell did the dragon get up? Was it laying on his lap or standing up??? LAZY WRITING AGAIN!

The dragon nodded. ' Though... You're not very tall for a master.

Haha short joke about Naruto, hahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahah. ʕಠ益ಠʔ

The blond looked over at the reflective egg shells in the nest and nearly screamed when he saw his face. " What the hell! Why the hell am I 12 again!" The blond exclaimed as the dragon next to him tilted its head

Oh boy, another things overused in Naruto-Xovers! Naruto is back to being younger! You get a prize from the bottom shelf! You can get a rock, a potato, or a stick!

' Master, is something wrong?'

“Actually yes, everything about this is wrong.”

" Huh? Oh, no. Just a sudden change is all... And please stop calling me master.

' Then may I call you something else?'

The blonde thought for a moment. " Well since you most likely hatched because of my nature chakra, I hope, call me something like dad or father."

Why the hell would Naruto say that? AND act so calmly about this whole situation? I’m starting to see Naruto’s suffering from OOC Syndrome.

' What does that mean? Fa...ther?'

Awwe look so cute, something that speaks PERFECT FUCKING ENGLISH NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT A FATHER IS!

" Father is the name you use for someone who was either there for your birth or someone that takes care of you as their family." The blond smiled when the dragon did as well, it's now smile being far more creepy.

“I mean, MY father was absent for my whole life except when I met his reincarnated corpse during the middle of a war. I totally know what a father is.”

The dragon has a basic understanding of his species, the Grimm, and he knew they never felt emotions above basic instincts. He also knew that Grimm never cared for any children they spawned outside of Beowolves and Ursai. The concept of a father was new to him. The dragon also understood he was bonded to this human in some way.

Okay, this baby is an All-Knowing character. Yes I understand that’s how you made Grimm, but even as a newly born creature it’d still be awhile before it could understand this information! ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Was this why he was smarter than he knew Grimm should be?

BECAUSE.WHY.THE.FUCK.NOT!

' Father... I like that word, Father. I shall protect my Father with my life!' The dragon baby said as he stood up like a bat, standing at around 5'6" on all fours. The blond groaned softly at the height difference but shrugged it off

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MORE SHORT JOKES GUYS! FUCK YOU!

" Hmm.. Now I need to pick a name for you since you just hatched... Hmmm" The boy said as he looked at the dragon, his eyes falling on the baby's sharp teeth-

“Toothfull! Your name is Toothfull!” This story could cover Naruto, Ruby, and HTTYD.  ʕ-,-ʔ Hmmm...

-, mouth and neck. Thing could probably eat a whole cow. " Akuma! Your name is now Akuma!" The blond said happily as the dragon tilted its head.

Sure, even tho a cow is much bigger than this baby… Whatever it is to be honest.

' My name? Akuma?'

-Sighs- Is this a fat joke? Akuma translate to Devourer.

" Yeah, a name is a unique thing people can call you by. Mine is Uzumaki Naruto! Uh Naruto's first. Akuma means 'Devourer' in my language. So that's your name… Akuma." Naruto finished as Akuma nodded and gave an odd, toothy, smile.

When does the plot actually start? All I’ve seen is lazy fluff.

' Akuma... I like that name, Father.'

Goddammit....

Four years later.

Lazy transition… Now I feel Coffee’s pain…

A massive shadow zoomed across the ocean, heading towards Vale. The strong winds left behind it cause the ocean to ripple and create waves.

Oh, I do ever wonder what this could be!

" Alright, just like we practice bud. Up-Up!" A blond haired young man exclaimed as he gripped onto the saddle bar of his mount.

Flying over ocean, check. Dragon in title and story, check. Boy riding something over said ocean, check. Yep, that’s totally not from HTTYD…  ʕಠ-ಠʔ

Ocean blue eyes filled with joy and green pupils peered at the blue sky. A foxy grin graced the boy's lips, and his whiskered cheeks carried a light blush on his light tan skin. His blond hair reached his mid back, flowing freely. He was shirtless save for the no sleeved vest the color of dull orange.

Can’t have Naruto without orange! Lord forbid change! Also, with blond hair that long, I’d find it hard to believe he doesn’t get confused for Yang.

 He wore black combat pants and dirtied combat boots. He wore bandaging around his hands, and on his waist rest an old headband. The headband had a metal plate, scratched and scuffed, with a leaf symbol on it. On his back rests a large custom gun.

This whole description could’ve easily been told throughout the chapter… Yet you decide to cram it down our throats like a thanksgiving turkey.

A 12 Gauge .50 Caliber Sniper-Shotgun Hybrid, or a 1250-SSH for short

That sounds like an over complicated piece of junk metal… And also extremely overpowered.

Also: The hell is this? Call of Duty?

. It was gun metal in color, with the scope lens being orange tint and the Uzumaki swirl in red on the stock, both sides, sloppily. The overall body was like a large .50 cal sniper, but it had two barrels (side by side)

DOUBLE BARRELED, YOU STUPID APE!

, there was a bolt action that could switch shoot-modes or reload sniper mode. The gun broke apart like a shotgun and could be loaded with up to four shells. The whole gun could transform into a sword as tall as he was, who stood at 5'10".

“HEEERPA! HE’S ASIAN SO HE NEEDS A SWORD! HERPA!”

This was Naruto Uzumaki, now 16 years old and headed for Vale on the back of his best friend and partner, Akuma Uzumaki.

Oh dear god you gave the dragon a full name… God has left us

Akuma was a different kind of friend. For one he was large, very large, and he could fly. 

Why?

Oh I don’t know… I’m just a reader who needs to be handheld through the story.

Because he was a Grimm Dragon.

-Puts hands over cheeks with shocked expression- I did not know that! It’s totally not like I remembered the damn name!

Akuma was now very large, as large as the Legendary Nevermore of Emerald Forest. His spikes and horns had grown very sharp, his black body clad in silver armour, and a large amulet around his neck. His leathery bat-like wings beat with intense power with each flap, pushing the water down and thrusting him forwards. His blue-green eyes glowed and left trails of light. His gaping maw closed and opened, his neck doing so too. There was an opening on his helmet to reveal the Uzumaki symbol and summoning seal on his forehead. Akuma's tail flowed in the air, the three claw-like spikes sharp as can be and his talons flexed as they raked over the water's surface as the dragon suddenly started to fly upwards, creating a splash effect.

Again, this could’ve been explained throughout the damn chapter. Also: WHY THE FUCK DOES A DRAGON NEED ARMOR!  ʕಥᴥಥʔ I cry inside as we speak.

Naruto held onto the saddle harness tighter as he smiled. " Doing good so far, now phase two!" Akuma nodded as he flew higher, reaching speeds of mach 2 and an altitude of 3,000 feet-

Yep, let’s do a pointless move that’ll only be done once or twice in the story and never go back to it again! Also: Mach 2? Really? FUCKING REALLY!?

- Suddenly he folded his wings up and flipped over. The large Grimm plummeted towards the ocean, Naruto holding on tightly as they sped closer to the water, a blue-green glow forming in Akuma's mouth.

Blue-green… Like Naruto’s eyes apparently… Thats…. Either lazy or cute somehow…. Let’s go with lazy.

" Now!"

“SIR YES SIR!”

Massive wings unfurled as they caught the winds and the dragon sped over the water by just a foot, the sudden burst of speed and wind creating massive wakes and splashing, as Akuma's wings unfurled, he released a massive burst of blue-green fire that steamed the ocean, and killed any creatures nearby. 

Useless show of power! Also, why does this need to be shown? Will it be important later one?

They zoomed towards the shore, void of any nearby boats and civilization. With a mighty and thunderous sound, Akuma landed on the stoney shore and bat-walked to the forest's edge, where a worn down sign, overgrown with vines, stood.

 Spelled stony wrong.

" Emerald Forest, Beacon property." Naruto read as Akuma gazed over the trees as he sat on his hunches. " Alright bud, time for you to take a rest." Naruto said as he smiled, touching Akuma's forehead. With a flash of light, the Grimm Dragon vanished into the seal on Naruto's hand. The blond smirked to himself as he headed into the forest.

 Jesus... I feel like the author is secretly trying to turn Naruto in a Gary Stu.

About 30 minutes later he took his weapon off his back as he loaded a clip into the sniper round chamber, then breaking it to loud four shells of fire shells for the shotgun mode.

Loud four shells? Well alright then!

 He snapped the gun closed and pulled the bolt action, the scope sinking into the body and the barrels shortened. The gun was now in Boomer Mode, a sawed off shotgun- 

Really... Boomer Mode? That is the most unimaginative name for a shotgun... Ever.

- He strolled down the path and whistled a tune to himself. His large reserves of nature chakra attracted smaller animals such as rabbits and other small mammals. His ear twitched when a nearby bush rustled with movement. He cracked an eye open to look to the left to see the bush shaking with movement. He could sense a powerful creature hiding inside.

 When the fuck could chakra attract animals? And oh no! Shaking bushes!

Suddenly his world went red as something rammed into him-

-That something was my lack of interest in continuing this review. I’ve read all six chapters and I can safely say that almost every character is suffering extreme OOC Syndrome (But it’s better than watching paint dry)

Ozpin’s a goddamn drinker for God’s sake! Ruby’s just a mess and I honestly can’t begin to describe it, nor can I find the words to (that’s more so Coffee’s job to begin with). I digress.

What little plot I can see is weak at best in the beginning, the actual plot is basically only seen in Ozpin’s fucking office! The plot really only picks up in the fifth chapter with a flashback sadly. THe story is mostly filler and nonsense like drinking and dates and useless fluff.

Akuma amounts to nothing after Chapter One and ends up being the new Kurama.

This story, while much better than Wolf of Trost, is still a poor story and it’s clear the author wrote it without meaning to ever include a real plot.

I’ve seen typos, spelling errors, and some bad grammar.

And one very bad joke made after a fight between Naruto and Nora in a later chapter.

“She was wet, but not from sweat.”

What in the ever living fuck is that supposed to mean?!

I see the author is still same nearly four years later.

Whatever this pile of shit was meant to be, it needs to scooped up, dropped in the bin, and redone. Every chapter is some weird ass scenario.

The sixth chapter isn’t even a chapter, just an update about him taking a break from this story. Thank god.

Now, if I am to actually rate this story, I’ll give it a 2.5/10 for it simply being better written then your first story.

But, that by no means makes this a good story. Keep this story, and author, away from me.

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Reviews #3

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.  

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁

Oh? We’re back already? Whelp, let’s start the shitshow again. I’m Jagerbomb, your favorite alcoholic caffeinated drink, bringing you the review of a story that you could call the My Immortal of Attack on Titan.

Welcome. I’m Coffee. Fuhuhuhuhuhuhu~ Consider this a proper welcome to the party. Though glossing over this, it doesn’t deserve such a title, yet.

Shush it you, you bloody wanker.

Well anyway, hello all, I’m Tea.

WHERE’S MY EMOTICON!?

You mean this? (ง •̀_•́)ง

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง YEAH! FIGHT ME!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN!!!!

As usual we will be incredibly offensive. Don’t take it too personally.

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!

And now we present The Wolf of Trost. Only God can save us now.

Chapter 1: Struggle for Trost: The two monsters

Oh god, what the fuck is this?

The fuck is that?

The fuck are THOSE?

I do not own Attack on Titan, I only own Jacob Patrick and his very deadly secret. Here's a quick Bio on my OC and his (lowercase)Secret (halfway.) Some things will be different due to me adding my OC. (No period, lowercase) And to keep my plot line and idea original.

Oh joy, disclaimers. What the fuck do I say here??

Where do we begin? How about with his ~deadly secret~?

I’m gonna be honest, it feels like he’s trying too hard to be edgy.

Name: Jacob Patrick II.

You know what, I forgot about the shit that happened in this. I should lay off the drinks.

Age: 15. Height: 6"2'.

 Christ in a handbasket. Fifteen years old and already 6’ 2”. It’s not impossible, but unlikely.

That’s a little young to fight titans.

Didn’t they all leave training at 15?

No, I don’t think so; you’ll have to look it up.

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง FIGHT ME

(ง •̀_•́)ง BRING IT!

Let’s just focus on the story.

Weight: 125 LBS. Hair Color: Jet Black, Wild and to his shoulders, bangs cover left eye.

That sounds inconvenient for titan-fighting.

Eyes: Right eye is a deep calming blue, while the left is bright, glowing yellow with a slight pupil.

You, my friend, have won the Special Snowflake award.

What the fuck is a slight pupil? ಠ益ಠ ENGLISH FUCKER!

Skin Color: Pale white.

So not only is your vision halved by your ridiculous hair, but you’ll also burn like my steady-growing hatred for this fic.

Birth-date: October 10th.

Aw damn, all the jokes could have been made if you said the 31th.

You have jokes?

Appearance: Slim bodied, canines are extremely sharp (Sharp enough to bite into a Titan's hide), fingernails are one inch long claws that are very sharp. Narrow waist, Thin arms and legs and slightly pointed ears.

A painful existence.

I know what was written, but I can’t get the idea of this OC going “OMNOMNOM!”. Imagine this kid dangling off a titan by his teeth and the titan just looks at him with this deadpan expression, unsure of what to do.

Special Skills: With his thin body he is extremely agile and flexible, making him one of the best at using the 3D Maneuvering gear and Blades.(NO PERIOD, LOWERCASE) Though most have seen him running UP the SIDES of the Walls and buildings. His thin frame means less resistance while running, making his speed triple above our fastest soldier. (He can) Can jump very far, close to thirty feet. He's always been able to scan the Titan's and find ways to trick them and trap them. One last skill he has is very secret and no one knows it.

Why is up and sides capitalized? We know what the gear allows you to do.

Because it ADDS unnecessary EMPHASIS.

ಠ益ಠ  This angers me greatly. He’s a goddamn Mary Sue.

Couldn’t just write a normal human boy, could you?

Most Notable Quotes: " I'ma (I’m) gonna make me a Titan burger!"

Seriously?

Permission to prepare the noose?

Permission granted.

" Yahooooooooo!"

This is kinda ripping off Naruto.

This is reminding me of those people who do Bigfoot calls.

Now we combine those together.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁ Combining. Result: Cringeworthy.

" Oh bite my skinny ass!"

Is this supposed to be a Bender reference?

NAAAAAAH YOU DON’T SAY? Speaking of which, watching Futurama right now.

" One does not anger the beast without being mauled."

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Good Lord why?

*coughs*Tryhard*coughs*

Ya know what? I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna poke the bear. *poke poke*

*loud inhale* You did it!

" Hurt my friends...And you'll see why they call me a freak!"

What friends? You have made yourself out to be a rather unpleasant main character.

SHOTS FIRED.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一

and the ever famous Jacob Patrick II song he sings when(One word)ever drunk (which is a(Separate words)lot)

" Oh I'm gonna get that booty!"

NO.

Pffft- This would be gold it weren’t serious.

I have to agree with that. It’s almost as bad as My Immortal. Also, why is a fifteen year old drinking?

Because that’s what the cool kids do. (⌐■_■)

Personality: Out(ONE WORD)going, happy go lucky, lived on the streets since he was four, which in turn allowed Jacob's body to thin and slim due to having to steal food, clothes and books to survive and learn.

I think we’re mixing up personality with backstory and then further mixing it with appearance.

Seriously? Everything past happy go lucky has absolutely nothing to do with personality. They are also living in a society where you contribute to society, they wouldn’t let him live on the streets unless he was completely useless.

Looks like someone doesn’t understand the show.

No one will let you get away with theft is the point.

Jacob's dark secret allow caused the color of his left eye, his claws, pointed ears and sharp canines, but it has also made him prone to rage fueled attacks at random times.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ GET THIS SHIT OUTTA MY FACE!

So, I’m going to take a wild guess and say his secret has something to do with werewolves.

I mean, it’s so obvious. I read ahead...We have weirdness next chapter.

FFFFFFF- ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

 He's loyal to his friends and super protective over them.

Now I remember. Give me a drink please.

Would you like a fancy cocktail?

-,- That ain’t no man’s drink woman.

Don’t complain. Anything is better than nothing.

A lot of people call him insane, which is true. 

*Squints suspiciously* “Insane”, eh?

What? That’s not insanity, that’s just acting like a kid.

He'll do and say the most random things.

LOL IM SO RANDOM

HAHAHHA LOOK AT ME!

There you guys go, Jacob's Bio. NOW GET TO READING DAMMIT!

Rude. You know what? I won’t read it. JUST TO SPITE YOU.

*coughs*Asshole*coughs*

" Humans speaking" ' Human thoughts or flashbacks.' Time skips or locations. " Titans sounds and roars."

Okay, different text types. Fucking kill me now please. Is this necessary? Can’t just - I don’t know - write? Yep, just hold the readers’ hands some more like they just learned how to read this trash.

Apparently Author doesn’t think we can tell what’s what.

We are evidently blind.

____________________________________________________________

(Jacob’s POV) Year 850. Trost, 2:45.

I just love it when writers think they have to announce whose perspective it is. I mean, it’s not like we could have figured it out by ourselves or anything.

Me, Armin and Eren (Him and Armin are two of my three friends)

*Prolonged sigh* Show, don’t tell. Show, don’t tell. Show, doN’T TELL. SHOW, DON’T TELL.

Coffee… Do I need to get Katherine’s pan to smack this author?

…..Yes, probably. No correction, absolutely. Get the pan.

were running across the roofs of houses and buildings, well they had their 3D Maneuvering gear ready to scale the next building while I could just jump up on to (Onto. Spellcheck is your friend) it.

Right, right, right. Why would the OC need something that everyone else needs? Guess who earned a gold star for a “very good job”! ☆

HURRAY! Good job buddy!

I look back to see a Titan jump up and bite Eren's leg off.

What..? There was no prior indication that this was a problem. We’re just… going right to it, eh? Skipping everything else and interjecting Gary Stu into only the important, plot related stuff, huh?

Author is costing on plot hoping readings fill in the gaps.

Armin screamed out to him while I turned around and jumped the gap between my building and the roof with Eren, I slashed the Titan's nape as it turned to attack me, (AND) it fell with a loud thud.

Fucking Mary Sues man. Fucking run on sentences. Armin must’ve been screaming for some time while the OC did all of that.

Well all Armin does IS scream so I assume he’s good at it.

No, he screams Eren a lot, let’s get it right.

" Eren!" I shouted as I land next to him. " Are you ok man?", my answer was Eren smacking my with the hilt of his left Blade.

 Sure, he lost a leg, I’m sure he’s fine bud.

Tis only a flesh wound.

Monty Python away!

YAY!

" Of course not. But I'm fine, just go protect Armin!" Eren shouts at me. ' HE'S MISSING A FUCKING LEG AND SAYS HE'S ALRIGHT!?' I scream in my head as I jump back to stop a 10m Titan from eating Armin, who was still running. I raise my Blades high above my head, opened my mouth and shouted.

*Tying noose around neck while whistling* Hard to tell who's worse, Katherine or Jacob. Either way I’mma go on vacation. *kicks stool*

" I'MA GONNA MAKE ME A TITAN BURGER!"

LAAAAAAAAAAAAME

That is a really lame catchphrase.

Why did I think of a Simpsons character?

My Blades came down on the Titans nape, I worked fast to carve the nape out and slay the monster. " You don't eat my friends (COMMA) bitch!" I exclaim while flipping the dead Titan off.

How old are you? Twelve?

Remember, angsty teen must always flip at least one thing per episode.

Yes, lets flip of the creature that’s already dead. Was there even a gesture for this back then?

I look over at Armin and laugh, only to realize he had made his way to Eren (I guess while I was distracted he saw a Titan close to Eren).

You guess. And what’s wrong with him going to support Eren? It’s not like he can just walk out of there. Nope, just gonna leave him there to die I suppose.

For plot! :D KILL ME!

Such a good friend.

I jump the gap, only to be too late as I see a grey bearded Titan EAT Eren, leaving only his arm, which had hit Armin in the face. To be honest I have to admit that it was comical.

HAHAHA, MY FRIEND JUST GOT EATEN AND MY OTHER FRIEND IS PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED! HAHAHA SO FUNNY!

HOLY SHIT IT’S SANTA TITAN! But I’mma admit, I did laugh when the arm hit Armin.

" EREN!" Armin and I shouted.

Noooooo not the overly angry German! Nooooo!

It’s better for him this way. Goodnight, sweet prince.

I knew there was only way to save him…

Do I need to say anything about this or..?

Best to leave it be.

but it was too risky and he would probably die of blood loss if I wasn't fast enough.

I assume this Only Way was to A: Kill the Titan or B: The Deadly Secret. Fuck I don’t care anymore! COFFEE! GIVE ME THE RUM!

You better share.

Would you like ice with that?

Of course boss. I always share -,-

So I cursed myself for not helping but ran and picked up Armin before the Titan could get him. Armin was to (TOO) shocked to notice anything.

“I can’t do anything about this except for the fact that I can and no, this may or may not bother me in the near future. If it does, it’ll be for the ANGST. Oh, right Eren’s dead, better save my other not-friend so it looks like I accomplished something.”

“Look at me! I’m the Stu! Everyone should just accept the things I do and not question it!”

You cursed yourself for not helping? You didn’t have a problem about not helping before.

' Eren...I'm sorry... But I WILL kill every last Titan to avenge you!' I thought as I quickly escape the Titan.

Whelp, he’s dead. Better say something to remind the audience that they were friends with as little emotion as possible and vowing revenge.

*coughs*OVERACHIEVER!*coughs*

Revenge fixes all Titan problems. If not satisfied, you’ll get your money back guaranteed! Just pay two payments for the low low price of 19,999,999,999,999,999,999.99! Pay processing and handling.

In fifteen minutes I found Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, Ymir, Annie Leonhart, Jean Kirstein, Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun, Krista Lenz and Mikasa Ackerman (My other friend and secret crush).

Ha, who needs these losers? It’s not like their actual characters with depth or deserving of any actual description or personality. Who cares? Just drop their names and we’re good. Am I right?

AHAHHAHHAHAHA, Cos yes, nobody knows who any of these people are now so let’s add a sentence of just names.

And of course Mikasa is targeted for “love interest”. Mikasa’s first priority is Eren’s safety; the Stu wouldn’t stand a chance. Get out while you can.

-is being sucked into a black hole- Coffee! HELP!

Shhhhh, it’s better this way.

I drop Armin as I put my hands on my knees and pant heavily while the others all come over to us, mostly to see what was wrong with Armin. Mikasa came up to me, (PERIOD) I could see the worry in her eyes.

They all walked together in a collective bunch. Clearly they’re not busy with anything like titans in the city.

Speaking of eyes, I need to drench mine in bleach.

" Where(APOSTROPHE)s Eren!?" She asked me. I looked down at my feet, still panting.

I don’t know, probably digesting inside Santa’s belly.

Maybe if you weren’t standing around waiting for the plot to come to you, you’d know.

" Titan.. (CAPITAL)ate...him.." I manage to breath out between breathes (breaths).

But it’s okay, because I, the main character, am safe with no emotional scars from the death of my apparent friend.

I used my fangs to scare the titan off, of course it wasn’t mentioned. Apparently.

I straighten up some more so I stood at my full six foot two height. I look down at Mikasa as her grip on her Blades tightens,(PERIOD) her eyes narrowed as she walked passed me before jumping and taking off with her gear.

To get away from all of these run on sentences.

To get away from the Stu or Stus.

To get away from the plot. 

" MIKASA!" I shout as I try to grab her ankle, but she was just out of my reach.

Good!

RUN MIKASA! RUN!

I look back at the group and stare at them all, my bangs moved out of the way of my left eye. The bright glowing,(NO COMMA) slit pupiled yellow eye bore holes into the group's souls. I spoke one command in a deep and dark voice. My sharp canines gleamed in the sun's light.

If you were any edgier, you’d be a triangle.

Any edgier then that and he’d be a pyramid

He keeps mentioning his bangs so much that he’s become a tassel. A toothy, triangle, little tassel.

I could swear to God that I saw Ymir turn a ghost white.

Your angst is scaring them. Stop.

Oh god not shiny fangs!

" Stay with Armin."

“He’s pretty much useless.”

“I, the Stu, shall retrieve Mikasa alone!”

With that I jumped off after Mikasa. I dropped my gear (Keeping my Blades)

You don’t need parenthesis if you juST WRITE PROPERLY.

-Tosses empty bottle away- Whelp we’re outta rum again.

by the group as I did so. ' Mikasa...please don't get eaten or killed'" YAHOOOOOOOO!" Was heard by the group as Jacob soon disappeared from their sight.

Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? If this becomes a problem, Coffee is going to kick your ass, just as sure as she’s tearing apart your awful writing skills.

Permission to prepare the ceremonial noose, ma’am?

Permission granted

(Below is the thought the rest of 104th Trainees Squad)

' Did that just happen?'

Actual writing; who needs it?

Gee I don’t know, did it? Cos if there was action and words, it happened.

(Back to Jacob's POV)

You never changed perspective in the first place.

ಠ_ಠ My brain hurts.

I jumped from roof to roof after Mikasa, I had to dropped my gear to make myself lighter

YOU JUST DROPPED YOUR GEAR BEFORE THIS DAMMIT!

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

, even while I run at full speed (Which Dot Pixis had recorded to be close to 50 mph, without any gear on)

You want to know how fast Usain Bolt can run at maximum? 28 mph. You’re trying to convince us that this Gary Stu can run almost TWICE as fast as the fastest runner without much training or experience?

I’m calling God mode. Someone get an admin. Oh wait, I am one.

I couldn't keep up with her.

For plot convenience.

Even though I could’ve used my gear to catch up with her, why did I think RUNNING would help? Oh, just to SHOW OFF MY STU-NESS!

I could tell she was using her gas in large bursts to increase her speed. Bad idea cos (BECAUSE, YOU CRETIN) you lose A(SEPARATE WORDS)LOT of gas that way. I growl in a very wolf-like manner

Wink wink, nudge nudge, tap tap, hit hit, SCROTAL PUNCH

We need a gif for a nut shot, PRONTO!

as I grip my Blades tighter, causeing (CAUSING) the hilts to creak and break, I drop them as I close my eyes in frustration... Bad idea again. I'm quickly grabbed by a Titan, a 15m Smiling Titan. ' This can't be happening!'

THE END

HAHAHAHAHHA NOPE!

" MIKASA!" I shouted out to her...but I think she didn't hear me over the sounds of dead Titans falling down.

She didn’t respond because she doesn’t care about you.

She saw you jerking off in the bushes at Training Camp -,-

 The massive jaws close down, just missing my head... I slid down it's (ITS) throat to my doom.

Suspiciously sounds like what happened to Eren a few paragraphs ago.

So original.

' I never even got to tell Mikasa that I loved her...'

…Seriously?

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻  FUCK IT!

Your waifu will never know. At least she can’t point-blank reject you.

Time skip: Where Mikasa has only a single Blade left and is cornered by a Titan.

Yay, more lazy writing. FUCK YOU

DAMMIT!

(Nobody's POV)

Who the hell is Nobody and why aren’t they the main character instead?

Nobody is my favorite person.

Best character.

Mikasa stood back up from her knees, Eren's words about fighting for survival echoing in her mind. She was about to try and charge at the Titan when a 15m Titan with a muscular build, fleshless jaw that revealed the odd arangment (ARRANGEMENT) of teeth, bright emerald eyes, pointed ears and long brownish black hair ran out from behind her and slammed a fist into the other Titan's head. The result was a dead Titan and a new one standing over the body, screaming/roaring.

Well, that escalated quickly.

No smooth transition! EVER!

" NNNNNAAAAGGGHHH" (YOU TRY SPELLING OUT A TITAN SCREAM/ROAR!)

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! Did I do it? (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

Mikasa stared on in shock at seeing a Titan kill another of it's (ITS) kind. The new Titan ran of (OFF), searching for more Titans to kill. Mikasa shook her head and used her gear and little amounts of gas to find the others.

What about Eren? Mikasa, focus! That’s why you ran off in the first place.

 I’m sure everyone else is still on that singular roof.

To her shock they were still were Jacob had dropped Armin off. " Why are you all still here?" She questioned. Connie answered for everyone.

That’s what I want to know.

Called it.

" After you took off Jacob's bangs moved away from his left eye...it...it.. IT BORE HOLES IN OUR SOULS MAN!"

Much like how this story bores holes into my brain.

His hair moved and you saw his differently colored eyeball. Oh no, the horror. *deadpan*

Oh dear lord save us all. -___-

The teen shouted.

So, I have this rant I’ve been holding in for awhile.

Are you KIDDING me? You FUCKING ESTABLISHED who was talking already! Why do you feel the need to refer to him as “the teen” instead of giving him a proper description? THAT IS LAZY WRITING. ALSO do not use “shouted” or any other verbs as dialogue tags! Do you have any idea how awful that is to read? ALSO, is Connie a FUCKING FLOATING HEAD or something? Is he doing ANYTHING ELSE besides standing around and SCREAMING? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?! Are they just standing around too? GOD DAMN IT.

YOU’RE A LAZY ASS WRITER! I HAVE SEEN LITTLE TO NO ACTUAL PLOT LINE WHAT SO EVER! I get this was written in 2014 but that’s no excuse!

Ymir rolled her eyes, smacked Connie upside his bald head and looked at Mikasa.

I assume with a look of disdain paralleling the current state of my face right now.

The Pan can help with that.

The pan always helps. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

" Your friend Jacob left his 3D Maneuvering gear and ran off after you,(PERIOD)

“Good riddance, right?”

Yes we know, it was stated that he dropped his gear…..twice.

My brain hurts. COFFEE! ANOTHER ROUND OF RUM! Shit forgot, Tea didn’t buy any more. DAMMIT! BRING VODKA!

he told us to stay with Armin in this...this...just overpowering voice. Even Annie and Reiner stayed."

Apparently no one has the balls to oppose the Stu. Or were they sincerely hoping that he’d get himself killed?

I mean, I’m pretty sure Reiner could beat the hell out of Stu. Wait, read ahead, he can’t, Stu gets worse.

The tall girl said. Mikasa looked surprised. Jacob had followed her... Then it hit her.

Turns out a titan had found them standing around in a big group and decided to have a light snack.

GOOD END 1

HAPPY ENDING!

" Wait, if he followed me but didn't come back that must mean that..(... CAN’T EVEN DO ELLIPSES RIGHT) Oh God no.." She fell to her knees, a small tear made its way down her cheek.

Why is she crying for this Stu? And she just forgets about Eren?

Nobody likes the Angry German.

Everyone looked at her.

“Sorry Mikasa. You’ve been infected by OOC syndrome. I’m afraid we have to put you out of your misery.”

Could be worse, she could’ve been the Draco to Ebony.

I believe you mean “Enoby”

" 'Oh God no' what?" Sasha asked, her eyes filled with fright. Armin looked up from his spot, still having tears in his eyes. ' Where(APOSTROPHE)s Jacob... W-Whose gear is that..?' Where (WERE) his thoughts.

Really Armin? Did you not pay any attention to the Stu’s display of teenage edginess?

Armin was too busy being the only character traumatized by his friend’s death.

" I think what Ackerman-san is trying to say is that it's quite possible that Patrick-san was eaten by a Titan." Said Annie as she stood up and dusted herself off,

Since when was Annie Japanese?

“This is anime, so they must all be Japanese right?”

She’s Russian right? Either way “Since this is an anime I have to use Japanese honorifics.”

Ymir nodded in agreement while everyone else had horrified looks.

Everyone should take a page from Ymir’s book and not give a fuck. Remind me again why anyone cares for the Stu?

Maybe he was a fun person at camp?

Because he is “Author-Avatar-san”. He is loved by all.

" But what I want to know is why Mikasa took off." Sasha said as she wiped a tear away.

Where were you, Sasha? Weren’t you right there when the Stu revealed that Eren was eaten?

She was busy eating bread and taters.

In her defense, who doesn’t like bread and potatoes? They are significantly more interesting than this drivel.

DAMN.

Mikasa herself answered While (LOWERCASE) she wiped he small tears away. " Jacob...he told he and Armin saw a Titan eat Eren." This time everyone (minus Annie and Ymir) gasped. Connie stood up.

WHAAAAAAAAAT? WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING? WHERE YOU ALL ENAMOURED BY PAINT DRYING OR SOMETHING? YOU WERE STANDING THERE. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THIS ALREADY?

YAY FOR DRY PAINT!

" Now what?! HQ is overrun with Titans so we can't get gas! Jacob, who was one of the best trainees,

Of course he was, but we wouldn’t know that because it was never established in the story!

Sure, I can he would be a good Trainee… If he wasn’t such a damn Stu! WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED ABSURD SKILL!?

is dead along with Eren!

You know, just as a side note.

Cos I’m sure we all forgot Eren again.

We(APOSTROPHE)re all going to die!" The worried teen exclaimed.

Why must you test me so?

-Hands rum- Here, helps with headaches till the morning.

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement seeing as this was true. Then Mikasa remembered that new rouge(SPACE)Titan she saw.

“Oh right, that thing seemed kind of important. I probably should have said something sooner, but for some reason, I needed to cry and sniffle over that Stu.”

“But I’m sure they’ll see eventually.”

" Wait... When I was cornered by a Titan a 15m class Titan came out of nowhere and KILLED the other Titan." She said. Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. Reiner spoke this time. " Don't be stupid Ackerman, Titans don't kill their own kind."

“-Despite the fact you’re probably one of the most trustworthy people here and the city is under attack. We just might have believed you if you weren’t infected with OOC syndrome.”

Sums that situation up nicely.

Annie nodded in agreement. Mikasa rolled her eyes and spoke again. " If we could lure this new Titan to the HQ we could use it to kill the other Titans. And if you don't believe me look behind yourselves." And just as she said that everyone turned around just in time to see the rouge Titan punch the head of another 15m Titan off.

This story gives me current traumatic stress disorder.

YAY~! -kicks stool and hangs again.-

Everyone looked surprised till Mikasa took off again, most regained their wits and followed her, leaving Armin and Connie.

And they didn’t leave because…?

Well so did Armin go with the them or is he still being a bitch?

" Come on Armin, lets help the others with Mikasa's plan." Connie said, as he helped the still shocked blonde up as they looked down at Jacob's now missing gear. ' Mikasa must of picked it up.' Connie thought as he and Armin followed the others to carry out Mikasa's idea.

Well, that was pointless.

(ʘ‿ʘ) I really want to burn this.

Just as they had all left, the very same Titan that ate Jacob appeared, but something was off... It's smile was some(THIS IS ONE WORD, JACKASS)how a frown.

Simultaneously. A smiling frown if you will. Otherwise known as an oxymoron.

Herpaderp! Look at me creating impossible expressions!

Then there was a deep, primal and beastial (BESTIAL) growl, but it wasn't the Titan.

It’s okay. I’m fine. I can handle this. I swear.

Oh god… Here we go again.

Then all of a sudden the Titan exploded as something ripped it's (ITS. THE WORD YOU WANT IS ITS) way out of it's (ITS, AS IN POSSESSIVE PRONOUN NOT IT IS) stomach.

It’s a-me, Hercules~.

Once the Titan's blood stopped falling from the skies (COMMA) a very strange creature roared into the skies, the roar was loud, primal and sounded like a Grizzly Bear's roar mixed with a wolves howling.

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT.

BURN IT WITH FIRE!

The creature was fifteen meters tall, it had a wolf-like head with two very large canines poking out from it's (ITS) lips. It's body was muscular and man like, but it was covered in shaggy jet black fur, the arms came down to it's (ITS. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER)waist, but the hands were not man like. They had a due claw instead of a thumb, meaning the four finger like toes had to do the gripping, each of which had razor sharp claws that were two feet in length. The creature's legs were like a dog's hind legs, the feet were large paws with claws, (AND) there was no tail. But what stood out was (WERE, UNLESS THIS SON OF A BITCH WAS A CYCLOPS) the monster's eyes.

It was almost as if the monster was saying “Do it now, kill me. Come on, kill me. I’m right here. Kill me now.”

It’s hands stop at its waist? BWAAHAHAHAHHA! IT HAS BABY ARMS!

Can anybody say wannabe werewolf?

The right one was a deep blue with a round pupil and glowed while the left was a bright glowing yellow with a slit pupil.

Wait a minute. I recognize those angsty-borderline-constipated looks! Y’know, with a slit pupil…

Shouldn’t that say slight? Like in his bio?

Nope because who needs consistency?

The monster roared again as it dropped to all fours and charged towards a large group of Titans, a group that was in front of 104th Trainees Squad.

Let’s just do a mic check here.

Wow, that must have been some high quality paint watching if they didn’t notice titans approaching.

Or if they didn’t hear this thing roar twice.

As the wolf-like creature got closer the pounding of it's (ITS. USE THE SPELLCHECK) paws on solid ground got louder, this in turn caused Connie to look back. His entire face became a ghost white.

Becoming a ghost is your only way out.

Cos he’s Danny Phantom.

Oh, so I guess this hand grenade won’t work then?

Don’t waste our last grenade dammit.

The flamethrower then?

Y’all are running my joke into the ground.

He shouted out in horror. " WHAT THE FUCKING HELL THAT THING!?"

“WHY AREN’T WE KILLING IT?!”

PLOT CONVINCE!

This fic is painful to read.

At Connie's shout everyone else looked back as the creature bounded up to them, then past them, then right into the group of 15m Titans, and there at least six of them.

“Oh shit. Did you guys notice that? I didn’t.”

“Did you guys remember those roars we heard? No? Okay!”

EVERYONE

MORE UNNECESSARY EMPHASIS

YAY~!

was shocked to see the furry beast lunge past them and into a group of Titans of the same size. But were more shocked to see it land on it's (ITS) hind legs and stand upright like a human. The trainees stopped and landed on a nearby roof.

“Hang on a second! Let’s take a selfie!”

“Duck faces everyone!”

" Someone answer me! What IS that THING!?" Connie yelled at the others. Ymir looked over at the creature and stated the most obvious thing.

Relax, Connie. If you keep asking questions like that, you all just might have to do your job.

Lord forbid we actually use our training and get in Stu Wolf’s way.

So we’re just going to stand around and stare like a dead fish….?

" Well obviously it's a giant wolf." Pretty much everyone sighed at the statement.

It’s clear that literally no one cares enough to do anything besides state the obvious.

-bashes head in wall-

" We can see that, Ymir." Reiner said.

“Still not doing anything about it though.”

Mikasa looked over the Titans and wolf-beast. The monster had it'(NO APOSTROPHE)s jaws on a Titan's throat out, ripping it out before swiping it's (ITS. OTHERWISE YOU’RE SAYING IT IS) claws across the Titan's nape, killing it. Then another Titan bit into the creature's shoulder. The result was a pain filled roar, which drew the attention of a new comer. The Wolf turned around and tore into the attacking Titan. A new sound filled the air as the Rouge Titan, the one that saved Mikasa, jumped over the building with the trainees on it and onto another Titan, punching it's (ITS FOR FUCK’S SAKE) head off in the process. The wolf creature lifted it's (ITS *RAGE*) head up it's (ITS. SILENCE! I KILL YOU) kill, it was eating a dead Titan, to stare at the new comer.

So Mikasa, didn’t you have a plan or something? Does your plan involve sitting and staring as the plot progresses in front of you?

How can you eat a Titan if their body’s literally starts decaying right after death?

Both wolf creature and Titan had a small stare down. (COMMA, NOT PERIOD) Which then ended as they both went to killing the Titans.

“HAHA, GLAD THAT’S OVER. KILL YOU SOME OTHER TIME, GARY STU.”

“NICE MEETING YOU BUDDY!” Is only what I imagine they said.

(Mikasa's POV) I stared at the gory and brutal battle in front of me and the others.

“I have become quite skilled at this.”

“I should start a business.”

Connie was shaking, Armin pretty much almost entered a shock induced coma and everyone else were (WAS) either shocked or scared for their lives.

“Seriously, we’re just as lazy as this writing.”

Yes watching a bunch of creatures being brutally murdered could be scarring. BUT YOU ARE TRAINED FOR THIS! TAKE ACTION!

A shock induced coma? You could just say, oh I don’t know, PASSED OUT.

I turned back when I saw the large monster wolf start to eat a dead Titan like it hadn't eaten in a month. I look at the others.

“Hey, do guys wanna go grab some burgers or something?”

Again, you can’t eating a body that decays rapidly.

" We can't stay here, we need to get out of here while they kill the last Titan! C'mon!" With that I took off with the others in tow. Behind us I could hear the wolf's monstrous roar and the Rouge (ROGUE) Titan's screaming/roaring.

Quickly now! Run with your tail between your legs!

Okay, this is really hurting my brain.

The eye's (EYES) of that giant wolf thing looked so familiar... But I can't put a thumb on it.

“Weird, it’s almost like that angsty loser that got eaten earlier. I hope he doesn’t come back in some convoluted werewolf-wish-fulfillment that has absolutely no place in this world…”

*coughs*readahead!*coughs*

(Nobody's POV)

Nobody is the best character. Oh yes, they are the best.

As the trainees left, the last 15m Titan was killed by the Rouge (ROGUE. SPELL CHECK MOTHERFUCKER) Titan. The large wolf then dropped to all fours and ran off towards HQ, which had many Titans around it. The Rouge followed, but it wanted to also kill the large wolf monster as well.

“NO HARD FEELING BRO, BUT I’M GONNA KILL YOU AFTERWARDS.”

“NAH MAN THAT’S OKAY!

Time Skip: After All the Titans inside and outside HQ are killed.

Wolf beast and Titan, both fifteen meters tall, both deadly...both had kill in their eyes.

You might want to rinse out your eyes before they get infected. On second thought, don’t.

Too late! -rips eyes out and dips them in bleach-

Then in a powerful lungeing (LUNGING) punch the Rouge (ROGUE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE TECHNOLOGY. USE IT) had knocked the Wolf down, then the Rouge jumped onto the Wolf's chest before repeatedly punching it's chest and head. This in turned angered the creature a(TWO SEPARATE WORDS)lot M(LOWERCASE)ore then(THAN) it already was.

FINISH HIM.

K-K-K-KOMBO BREAKER

In a stroke of seconds

It was a backstroke to get away from this trash.

In a stroke of seconds Stu was finished with his bush.

the Wolf had turned the tables by using it's powerful hind legs to kick the Titan in the gut, causing said Titan to be thrown off and into the side of HQ, this caused the Trainees and some Garrison cadets to stumble in their places and some rubble to fall down to the Wolf roared it's Grizzly Bear/Wolf howl roar, this caused a few 10m Titans run out all directions and to attack both the Rouge and Wolf, both were throwing Titans at the other or trying to hit the other with a dead Titan.

(Coffee.exe has stopped working.)

Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Don’t waste dammit.

Soon the smaller Titans were dead or thrown away like broken toys. The rest of the fight lasted ten minutes as Titan and giant mammal brutally attacked the other. Large bodies slammed into each(SEPARATE WORDS)other. Body parts were lost and teeth knocked out of jaws. Bones were broken.

Cos y’know, can’t have a fight without extensive damage.

What’s a description?

The Rouge was missing it's (ITSITSITSITSITSITS) left arm from the elbow and down and it's face was badly damaged, there were dozens of deep claw marks all over the Titan's muscular body.

All this isn’t needed.

Too much detail on literally everything that isn’t important.

The Wolf was missing it's (ITS MOTHERFUCKER) whole right arm, its

left eye and a few teeth. Hell it was missing some patches of it's (ITS, I THOUGHT WE MADE PROGRESS, GOD DAMMIT) jet black fur. There were some broken bones within the beast's body.

Seriously, stop.

Yeesh, stop. We get it already.

You just love prattling on and on don’t you?

Both were on their knees and panting heavily... Soon they both fell forwards. As soon as they hit the ground steam rose from both monsters. Soon there was a large cloud of steam.(COMMA) Hiding the large bodies.

FINALLY!

YES! DEAD, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!

Our prayers have been answered!

Everyone on HQ's roof stared in disbelief.

They quickly went back to doing nothing.

Yay, more painting drying!

They just saw the two monsters that helped them fight against their enemy fall down after both gained severe injuries. Mikasa's eyes widened when the steam cleared just enough to reveal the large bodies were halfway decaying with flesh still on the head and shoulders. But on the napes of both necks were two 'lumps'

I hope those lumps aren’t more cancer.

It is cancer. Stu cancer.

I’ll get the chemo ready.

The 'lumps' moved and tore as two human's (HUMANS) emerged halfway from the napes of the necks. Everyone in 104th Trainees Group knew who the people were.

Cos the Trainees can see that far clearly.

They have suddenly become more aware of their surrounds as soon as the action was over.

Eren Yeager and Jacob Patrick II, the supposed dead trainees.

Couldn’t just have stayed dead.

Tbh, I hate both of them. Stu’s just worse for being a damn OP copy of Angry german.

At least there isn’t more of the OC running around.

Mikasa jumped off the roof and ran towards Eren's semi-conscious body. " EREN!" She cried as she removed him from the nape fully and held him. Mean(ONE COMPLETE WORD ASSHOLE)while everyone turned and looked to see that Jacob was fully conscious and fully out of the nape.

Who gives a fuck about Eren? The Stu true main character is alive.

Whose Eren? The Angry German?

His already pale skin was even paler, like he was drained of life.

Eren, you would have been spared from this atrocity if you had died.

The Stu allows no deaths. o,,,,,o

But his eyes shone bright before they closed and he fell unconscious and almost face first into the pavement if he wasn't caught by Mikasa, who had Eren over her shoulder.

“Oh no, the Stu that I care about for some reason, even though Eren has always been my first priority and I really have no valid reason to care about the Stu in the first place.”

The one time Mikasa didn’t forget Eren was just to sling him over her shoulder like a dirty towel.

" JACOB!" She screamed, tears fell from her eyes more then (Than) they did when she saw Eren's body.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU DIE?”

“FOR THE PLOT BABY!”

Everyone on the roof had shocked faces... They just couldn't believe it... Jacob and Eren... both were monsters

The Stu more so. All the more reason to shoot on sight.

OH NO! Cos it wasn’t obvious Jacob was the wolf!

. (CAPITAL LETTER) one was what their enemy was and the other a very large canine monster. Only Mikasa was crying as she held both males close to her, one certain multi-color eyed boy had one final thought, seeing as she was holding them close to her chest, his head right one her...*coughs*..assests (ASSETS)..*coughs*.

Her financial assets.

PLOT TWIST, those weren’t Mikasa’s breasts. They were Armin’s.

PLOT TWIST! They were Bertolt’s sweet buttocks.

'Score...'

 Those were his final thoughts before he was smothered to death.

Everyone wants to die by them tig ol’ bitties.

____________________________________________________________ PHEW! That was the longest time I've ever spent on a chapter. Well, I'll see you all next time I update. JA NI!

(◡‿◡✿) You lying piece of shit. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS JA NI, YOU WEEABOO PIECE OF SHIT!

CONCLUSION

Lazy writing riddled with easy-to-spot errors, author avatar, reduction of major cast to lazy eggs, and a terrible case of OOC for all involved but easy to make fun of; I give this a 2/10.

I give this a 2/10 for lazy writing, spelling errors and putting the original cast completely out of character as well as putting a shipping where one shouldn’t exist.

Personally...I wouldn’t rate this at all, but seeing as it’s a three year old story, 0.5/10. Why? Because it shat on werewolves, AOT fans, and the anime itself.

 Well, that was fun. Let’s never tackle this again. Agreed?

This story is pretty terrible, so I can agree that we should not tackle any more of this. There are more chapters though so I say light it on fire.

Yeah I’m not doing this hell again. ONTO THE NEXT STORY DAMMIT! We need more drinks again. Tea forgot to bring the rum. ಠ╭╮ಠ

 -Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

[coffeecupandteatime]

Here there ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

I figured I’d introduce myself properly, I’m Jagerbomb, the new guy. I’m glad to be part of this team and cant wait to spork stories and hope to help authors grow better.

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ see ya

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #2

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives. We have a new member in the party joining us for the one of you who may care. I’m Coffee. The new guy is called Jagerbomb (All his text is bolded). He’s an asshole. Just like the rest of us.

Hello! I smell incoming horseshiiiiit

Hello again, I’m Tea.

As usual, we will be incredibly offensive. Don’t take it too personally.

I entered the boat that was going to take me home with Emily.

And already, I’m lost. There’s this thing called establishing the scene,

Off to a fantastic start. Why don’t we just ignore process and jump right in?

Shouldn’t it be Emily and I? We in Peru still or in the US?

So many unnecessary prepositions… And we just started.

The people working on the ship got our luggage that we left outside.

You’ve never been on a regular passenger boat before, have you?

I don’t see how this contributes to plot or in fact anything.

I mean you’ve been on this trip how many times?

I went down the hall to find Angel, Emily following me. As I found the door I knew would be his room until we got home.

How did you know? Can you please stop with the all-knowing character narrator shtick?

I open the door to see Angel sitting on the floor, playing Black Ops 2 with his heavy metal music blasting through his headphones.

Ah, I see we haven’t completely forgotten about MC’s favorite punching bag. For a second, I thought she might have left him behind.

From the way she’s writing, she might as well have, but then who would give her any ounce of attention?

Poor kid, sister must be on an everlasting PMS.

I walk over towards him and yank his headphones off his head. He turns around (COMMA) startled.

Cos that’s not a bitch move at all. And you called him a hell spawn. Why would she immediately jump to yanking the headphones off his head?You care about your brother how much again?

This just makes you look more like a bitch. Yanking headphones like that could break them (And I’m sure their expensive considering your mother’s unexplained wealth).

" What the hell?!"

Indeed.

This is the most realistic reaction ever. *sarcasm*

Excellent dialogue.

A+

He turns back to the game only to find himself surrounded by zombies with 0 (zero) bullets. " You made me lose! I was about to get to level 25. That would have been a new record since I've only been playing for like, 30 minutes!"

Have you played before? I’ve never heard of someone reaching that level so fast. I smell aimbot. Also, how does this forward plot? We don’t care what game he’s playing.

The amount of filler text is atrocious. Literally nothing is happening. Why hasn’t the plot moved forward?

I smile in victory. Then I frown. " Mind telling me why your eye looks like it's getting a bruise?" I touched his eye and he winced in pain. I sigh.

So expressive, also nice detective skills. I’m surprised you show that much care.

This dialogue is going to give me an aneurysm

Yes, lets just touch the bruise and make it worse.

Poke. Poke.

" Mom was so happy when she found out you haven't gotten in any fights and somehow you managed to screw it all up on the last day before Winter Break. She told me she was going to get you something as a reward."

More filler. Also, why would she tell YOU only? I’m sure telling him directly would’ve worked better.

Glad to see you have your priorities straight. He’s hurt and all you can think about is how upset mommy is going to be.

Well shes’s gotta have something to focus on.

“I’m mommy angel, and you’re just the spawn of Satan.”

" It wasn't suppose to bruise so quickly." He said under his breath. Emily walks over and crouches down to inspect his eye. He starts blusing

Ah, the elusive verb ‘blusing’.

Blusing sounds like a fancy burp.

Or a fairy sneeze.

Or a unicorn fart.

Or a fancy cat puking.

but she doesn't since she's worried.

Good job Friend #1. Your ability to care for a human being has reached the level of staring at it until it feels better.

Yep, because staring is the best cure dontcha know?

She doesn’t WHAT! Notice!? Cos I’ve noticed alot of horsehit in the first minute of reading.

" It could use some ice. It will slow down the swelling. You should stop getting in to (into) fights. What did you do to provoke the guy?" she asked. Angel rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

The only thing I can think of right now is Emily staring blankly at him, expressionless at eye level and saying all of this in a monotone.

She isn’t from Twilight dammit. But, at least Bella and her love got married.

At least Bella had some level of emotion and yes Emily, let’s just assume it’s Angels fault, great detective skills hon.

I say, what an analysis Detective Friend #1

I think she just likes to assume Angel’s at fault for everything.

It’s always Angel’s fault.

Cos he’s the son of Satan.

" Maybe I said I caught his girlfriend making out with one of the guys he hangs out with and they looked like they were enjoying it. They were even using tongue and I told him her tongue looked really nice and wet. Then he punched me and I think I sprained his arm. I don't know. The teacher separated us before I could do any real damage."

Just say the girlfriend is cheating, no one checks out a person’s tongue. Unless he’s got some freaky tongue fetish that we don’t know about.

Well telling another guy his girl’s TONGUE looks nice and wet (Ugh, the cringe) is generally a bad thing. Why not be a good person and just tell him you saw his girl cheating?

WHY DO WE NEED TO KNOW THIS?

COS WE LOVE FILLER, COFFEE!

" I thought your school was an only boys school." I stated.

Right, because you for some reason care enough to know about his school, but he sneezes the wrong way -and so help you, God- he deserves punishment.

Blunt the knives and bend the forks, we have a contradiction of character.

Why blunt the knives? I thought that’s how she punished him. Also surprised we didn’t get a mini story about this apparent fight. I guess she DOESN’T know all guys!

" It is but his girlfriend comes to our school on Fridays to make out with him. She usually comes in around lunch break and they skip the rest of classes to be in the bathroom. I walked in on them and she had her shirt off. I walked right out after that and I held it in for the rest of the day. But the only good thing about that was I got to see a hot girl with her shirt off."

What the hell. How did you write this with a straight face?

What can I even say to this? Oh right! WHAT THE FUCK!? Why are you mentioning this? Is it’ plot related? Also: Angel staring at a girl’s chest and is the worst thing he’s done, still not enough to be called demon spawn.

She’s playing off the stereotypical male. All they want is sex and to see women shirtless.

Gotta see them titties though.

That’s my line.

I could tell Emily was jealous. She was probably thinking of something she could do to make him think she was hotter.

OH MY SWEET JESUS! Now THIS does NOT need to be said or even allowed, they are FIFTEEN!

And this is all Friend #1 amounts to.

That line makes me think of one particular Goddess.

Let’s just lower her some more. Yep A+ writing skills.

" You're such a pervert Angel."

Just because he said that once it automatically makes him a pervert. You have to make it show that he’s perverted, not just state it.  

And people thought I was bad.

You are.

I have standards. I don’t stare at people’s partners.

" It probably would have been better if she didn't have her bra on."

TAKE THE HINT, BOY. DOES THE TERM SELF-PRESERVATION MEAN NOTHING?!

THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SURVIVE A WOMAN’S WRATH DUMBASS!

Should I call the coroner? You, my friend are digging your own grave.

"I need to take a shower. See you guys later." Emily walked out of Angel's room after that.

Now, does she need to actually shower, or cry to herself because her precious ‘boo’ saw another girl’s tits? I’m going with the latter.

Right, announce to the declared pervert that you, a female, are going to wash.

The plot of this story is less clear than an episode of Brickleberry.

Brickleberry is a straight line compared to this shit.

"Well, I'm going to see if anyone on the ship has some Hot Cheetos." I wasn't going to actually do that. I was going to take a quick nap but if I told Angel that he would not let me sleep to get revenge for his stupid game. I walked to the other side of the hall and opened the room that was mine.

I’m sure your ‘pervert’ of a brother is busy peeping on poorly developed Friend #1

Again, gotta see them titties though.

And dat ass.

We have no class here. Just offensive humor and asshattery.

Could just say “my room”, not the “room that was mine”. It sounds like you’re trying too hard to fill the spaces with prose.

A bed with a purple comforter greeted me. I locked the door behind me and set my alarm on my phone to wake me up in 30 minutes before I jumped on the bed. It was so soft and warm. (COMMA DAMMIT) And the sound of the waves splashing against the ship is so relaxing. My last thought before I went to sleep was, 'Something is going to happen when we get home. I just hope it isn't bad.'

I wasn’t aware bed comforters were sentient enough to greet. Also, “AND” DOES NOT START A SENTENCE.

You could just say a big, soft bed instead of breaking it up into little sentences.

WHERE IS THE RELEVANCE!? Also, I’m surprise you avoided saying “The waves sounded like they were calling me”. Also, if you locked the door, why would you be worried about telling him you wanted to sleep? (ง •̀_•́)ง I promptly flip this shitshow off.

I woke up to the sound of banging on my door. I checked my phone to see I still had 3 minutes before the alarm would go off. I groaned and got up from my comfortable spot on my bed and went to open my door. On the other side was Emily. She was in her bra and panties only.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU JUST STANDING OUT THERE?!?!

AT LEAST PUT ON A ROBE, COME ON, YOU’RE FIFTEEN! HAVE SOME DECENCY IN HALLWAYS!

(ง •̀_•́)ง FIFTEEN DAMMIT! FIFTEEN! Is the author an angsty preteen?

I dunno. Look on the bright side at least she isn’t wandering around in lingerie.

Lord knows...

Part of me feels murderous, the other wants a drink. BRING ME THE GIN!

"What the hell are you doing in the hallway with only that?" she ignored me and grabbed me and took me to her room which was right next to mine.

PLOT TWIST. Friend #1 reveals dramatically that she didn’t like the punching bag. She liked the MC.

I’m half expecting that to be honest.

Please tell me this ain’t the start of a poorly done lemon?

When we entered her room, her bed was filled with a bunch of clothes that seemed to be a bit too revealing. I was surprised at all the clothes she had taken out of her bag.

This surprises you beeecause..? Are we sure she’s fifteen? I know I didn’t have any revealing clothes at that age, let alone walked a hallway  in only panties and a bra.

This scene is every pedo’s dream.

20 Minutes Later

Timeskipping goes in the actual story, not it’s own line.

What were you doing in those twenty minutes exactly? Were you watching paint dry? Give us some indication of what’s happening!

"How do I look?" Emily posed for me to see the outfit she was wearing that she hoped would seduce Angel.

She’s fifteen, what fifteen year old uses the word seduce? Hoping to bang maybe but not seduce.

I’d be VERY surprised if her mother isn’t Aphrodite.

I looked up from my phone with what I hope was a bored expression. I looked at Emily's outfit.

I get the feeling MC has a thing for Friend #1. So what exactly does Friend #1 look like? You just glossed over her.

I’m sure Angel’s more interested in his aimbot on Zombies.

 If it’s as revealing as I think it is, then those titties are everywhere.

Keep in mind, this is a fifteen year old.

(ง •̀_•́)ง Stop the Jailbaiting! I need a drink. NOW!

I gestured for Emily to turn around. Then I observed her from behind before stand up and walking to the pile of clothes we had been through and pulled out a pair of booty shorts.

JAILBAIT DAMMIT!

Booty booty butt cheeks.

Why does she need to fucking SEDUCE him!?

She’s hoping to lucky, that’s why.

Are we SURE she loves him? Cos right now it’s sounding more like she wants the D.

"If you're going to wear a bikini to dinner at least wear something over your bottom part." Then a thought came in my mind.

Oh, really? That’s your master plan. Wear a swimsuit to dinner. Yes, definitely gonna get some.

I hope this is just a dinner for you three. Also! WHERE IS THE ADULT SUPERVISION!

I NEED AN ADULT.

You are an adult.

WE’RE ALL ADULTS!

"I'm going to tell Angel to get his swimming shorts ready so we can all go to the pool on the deck. Then when dinner is over, after Angel comes back in his swimming shorts take off your shorts and sweater in slow motion while he's watching your every move."

What sort of plan is that? Is he just that goddamn perverted? Also, are you on a fucking cruise ship or something?!

Okay, seriously? What is the point of adding unneeded teenage sexual tension? Its awful to read and adds nothing to the plot. 

You know, I’d actually leave this poor excuse of a bet alone if it weren’t for the fact it’s JAILBAIT! Also how do you know he’ll still have his shorts on after?

She smirked evilly and I grinned.

Glad to see that Friend #1 still can’t think for herself.

Bitchy Sister appears to enjoy harassing her brother by scheming with “friends”. 

I can just imagine her being like a android, saying all of this in a monotone voice with mechanical beeps and boops in between all while staring blankly into the distance.

So she’s Kristen Stewart? No emotion in her speech.

"Wear your swimming suit under your clothes and then take the clothes off when he's gone so when he comes back you're already in the water and he won't feel uncomfortable watching me strip off my clothes with his sister."

YOU JUST CALLED ANGEL A PERVERT EARLIER!

HAVEN’T YOU SAID IT ENOUGH TIMES?!

Yes, this was my master plan to get Angel to notice Emily's curves and to admit his love towards her.

I believe you mean lust.

I believe you’re going to give Angel more reason to be a ‘Hellspawn’. I bet you if those two do bang, Katherine's going to BLAME Angel for ‘ruining’ her friend.

Actually it’s going to be blaming her brother because he got some while she didn’t.

And then it will all be over with and Emily will stop bugging me about how much she wants to be with Angel. And believe me I don't want to hear my best friend tell me about how she wishes she could grab my brother and have a make-out session with him and how she wishes he would hold her and how his touches would send her shivers and how he would touch her gently and how he would do whatever he wanted with her.

I’m going to vomit. (ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง

The way this is written makes me think we’re dealing with a sex driven teen who either lacks imagination or has never had sex.

Take it from an expert. USE PROPER AGES YOU DEGENERATE!

Yeah, that's when I realized when her crush was becoming more of an obsession.

Because Friend #1 amounts to nothing more.

If by that you mean she just wants to bang him then yes.

Because she’s a horny teen girl. Yet you bitch about your brother’s perverseness.

Then I had to get them together so she wouldn't tell me those things about my brother and just do that with him. Cause believe me, no sister wants to hear sexual things about her brother.

You do realize you’d end up hearing them go at it and hear all the details during girl talk right? You are in the room across from your brother after all.

But that was what you were narrating before!

JESUS H. CHRIST!

And if this plan backfires, I'm going to spend all night up until I think of a decent one. And I'm kind of desperate to get Emily to shut up about my brother.

 So if I have to send her naked to my brother's room to get them together, I'll do it in a blink of an eye. I'm just thankful that I'll be arriving home in 2 (two. SPELL IT OUT!) days.

…..Do I HAVE to say something here?

I do not recommend it, but she doesn’t sound so desperate if her master plan is to send Friend #1 (*beep boop*) out in a swimsuit.

Why is she just now helping her friend out?

Then I have more of a chance of getting away from Emily in case this backfires, cause there's not many things that keep you busy on a ship and let you avoid your friend so she won't bug you about your brother being hot.

I’m pretty sure the punching bag isn’t my brother.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIP!?!?!

MC’s mother most likely bought with money she pulled out of her ass.

FUCK YOUR PLANS!

Okay,

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU START A SENTENCE WITH OKAY?!

I’m not even wasting another werewolf meme on this shit show. They don’t deserve their grace.

I'm out in the hall and walking towards Angel's door. A few more meters and then this might all be over. I open the door quietly in case I startle him and make him lose and then he'll be angry at me and won't agree to go to the pool with me and Emily. He's on the computer.

You didn’t care before about startling, making him angry or his objecting to your plans  so why would you care now?

"Angel, do you want to come to the pool with me and Angel?"

“Angel go to the the pool with Angel.” is there an Angel clone walking around? Also its Angel and I, not me and Angel.

Is there a THIRD sibling with the same name? Did Emily change her name to Angel to sound more like a third rate hooker?

Friend #1 was demoted to Punchingbag #2

I hate MC. Seriously, my old OC had better class. THAT was a shit show.

We shall spork him another day. Fuhuhuhuhu~

He turned to me and gave me a look that said, 'Since when do you invite me to do things with you and Emily?'

Never obviously.

That should have been immediately suspicious.

I’m currently drinking a bottle of Fireball. This story is THAT fucking bad.

But his reply made my heart leap out of excitement, "Sure."

Why would your heart leap? Shouldn’t it be Emily’s?

Friend #1 has been further demoted to MC’s foil.

Permission to barf at the accidental twincest?

Oh, that’s right. MC is talking...

Go right ahead.

-Intense vomiting-

"Get your swimming shorts ready." When I walked out of his room I did a pre-victory dance.

You wrote it out like you’re about to get some instead of Friend #1. 

I can smell the hormones and self-insert.

After Dinner

PUT IT IN A SENTENCE!

YOU LIKE FILLER SO GODDAMN MUCH! WHY CAN'T YOUR LAZY ASS WRITE ONE GODDAMN SENTENCE.

"Okay, it's time to put this pan into action!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Huh, where’d the pan come from?

I thought Pan faded away and got replaced by Grover :^)

It’s the pan I’m going to beat her with.

Don’t insult the plan.

*pan

I quickly took off my clothes to expose my black bikini.

NO ONE CARES!

(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง(ง •̀_•́)ง

Angel just went back to his room to change. It will probably be 5 minutes until he returns. I already had one of the ship attendants clean Emily's room so she can make-out with Angel.

That’s… An oddly specific request.Can’t imagine how that conversation went down.

That attendant is also probably installing cameras to watch them.

Well..this just got weird.

I personally put the candles in there and instructed a random person cleaning the hall to light them after they were finished cleaning the hall. And then I had the chef prepare chocolate filled strawberries.

Chocolate filled?

Why the fuck not? She can have anyone do anything on this cruise-not-cruise-ship. Dolla dolla bills, yo. 

GOD DAMMIT! IT’S COVERED! NOT FILLED!

But there is such a thing.

So if anything gets screwed up, it will probably be emi;y's fault.

Punching Bag #2 got demoted to Failure.

WOW. Even further demoted to emi;y.

Toss her under the ship.

Toss who? MC or Failure?

Throw both overboard. I’m done!

"Emily don't be nervous. If you don't screw this up, Angel will make-out with you on your bed."

How is this incentive to go along with your plan?

HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHY ARE YOU WHORING HER OUT DAMMIT! WHAT IS THE PLOT!? I LITERALLY SPIT MY WHISKEY OUT!

Emily wasn't as nervous after I told her that.

You’re right. She was probably more nervous.

You just straight up told her not to fuck up or your brother won’t fuck her up.

I quickly got in the pool and waited for Angel. I can hear him. He's close. Once he was in front of Emily he stood there.

Filler.

STOP! (ง •̀_•́)ง

You really like that emoticon.

It fits, doesn't it?

" Why aren't you in your bathing suit?" She glanced at me before she started to take off her sweater in slow motion. He watched her and he had his mouth so open, I never thought it was possible to have it open that wide. As she proceed to her booty shorts I could see his eyes were hungry to see more of her skin. 'It's working!'

Hungry to see more of her skin? What kind of messed up wording for foreplay is this?

I’m surprised you know what foreplay is, Tea.

His mouth is so wide because he’s wondering why Emily’s being so forward after so fuckign LONG DAMMIT!

He’s probably appalled that his alpha bitch sister is watching.

I feel the FBI breathing down our backs. As well as Posidemort.

*gigglesnort*

‘I watch as Emily reaches down to Angel’s-’ And let’s just hang ourselves now.

I’ll tie the nooses.

I’ll kick the stools.

I’ll write the suicide notes.

TRIGGERED!

When she was finished she jumped in the water splashing Angel. As her head popped

YES!

out from underwater she turned to Angel.

DAMN IT!

Well shit, I was hoping we’d get lucky there.

I hear the police sirens. Wait that’s the ambulance. 

"Aren't you going to join us?" He quickly recovered and jumped in. After that we played for a while until we got tired. But I know my plan worked because I heard him ask her if they could talk.

‘I’m sorry, but Angel.exe has stopped working.’

Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Is it plugged in?

I sense a windows 10 Update. We’ll be back in about… Five hours.

I had to stop from doing another victory dance. After I went to my room. And in the morning, at breakfast they wouldn't stop staring at each other. Everything was perfect.

Unlike your attitude.

Are those commas I see? HOLY SHIT! IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

It was like that for the next day too. I couldn't have been more happy. Then when we got home igot that feeling again.

Ah, another elusive word, “igot”.

It sounds like a magical fairy out of D&D.

Igot sound’s like a poorly made Minecraft mod item. BEHOLD THE IRON IGOT!

That something was going to happen.

Couldn’t put that in the previous sentence instead of… Pausing for dramatic effect.

Nope, we gotta add unnecessary tension.

YOU GET A PAUSE! YOU GET A PAUSE! EVERYONE GETS A PAUSE!

And it was going to happen soon. But I shook the feeling off. And I convinced my mom to let Emily sleepover.

After she banged your brother. That’s what every responsible mom should do.

Not so she could tell me how things were going with her and Angel but to spend time with her since she was with Angel most of the time when we came home and I kind of felt left out.

Holy mother of run-on sentences…

Wolf of Trost is starting to look better to read right now.

Fuhuhuhuhu~ That sounds like it would be the perfect rite of passage.

I say we start that next! SPORK ME! Ah fuck that sounded wrong.

A little bit. Okay, a lot.

I don’t get it.

Maybe when you’re older Coffee, maybe when you’re older.

I’m an adult though...

That was the night it happened.

The night you were finally realizing how much of a poor author you are?

DUN DUN DUUUN! Twas the night this terrible story came to a close. Everyone died. THE END.

And the villagers rejoice.

CONCLUSION

Nothing happened, except teenage hormones 1/10. The only saving grace was that this chapter was short.

Because of unwarranted teenage angst I give this a 1/10.

I give this a 0/0, I screamed too much at my screen.

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

[coffeecupandteatime]

Obscure Review #1

What better way to start a blog by pissing off some random, small time fanfic author by brutally and mercilessly tearing apart their work for the sole purpose of entertainment in a sporking. By entertainment I mean, helping. But mostly entertainment. I am Coffee and Tea will be writing in bold italics.

Hello! 

Let’s get the show on the road, yeah? Let me tell you something before we begin. The whole story is written in italics. I shit you not. 

The whole thing.

Let’s start with the title and description, shall we? Forewarning, we will be incredibly offensive. Don’t take it too personally.

How It All Began

Katherine is a demigod of Poseidon. Join her on her quest to save her mother and a forgotten goddess. Another thing, she's in love with Nico di Angelo. P.S. This is my first fanfic

If that doesn’t set off red flags, I don’t know what will.

This ought to be good.

Note: this is a Percy Jackson fic, so I won’t comment on the demigod bit. But I want to strangle the ever-loving shit out of this author, first fic or not. That is no excuse to make the special snowflake daughter of Poseidon. There’s a reason Percy Jackson is the only demigod son of Poseidon. Granted, Percy shouldn’t have existed either, because of the pact the Big Three made. I can accept that they screwed up at least once, but they wouldn’t make the same mistake again (except Zeus). This character has been put in line for the prophecy that she has no business being in, if this is in the timeline that I think this was set it. Logic dictates that this character shouldn’t exist and even if she did, she would be really young, because she would have had to been born after the pact of the Big Three was made null and void.

To top it off, this plot-sensitive information shouldn’t be in the description.

Not to mention she ships her character with Nico di Angelo. That isn’t easy to pull off correctly. I foretell a lot of bullshit pulled from her ass. He is a detached character in general. What makes her think that she can just force herself into his life, “Oh, I love you! Sunshine and rainbows!” No, bad author! Bad author!

Can we talk about how cliche the title sounds? That is not something people would read. It’s boring and it isn’t remotely interest the audience. We don’t give a flying fuck about “how it began”. Better yet, if we do for some reason care, the plot is unclear. How did what begin? Your period? The day you were born? What? This has no weight to the plot at all. Save it for a chapter title, if you simply must use it. A title is supposed to basically sum up the entire story.

Not to mention  it sounds like the title for a crappy, poorly thought sitcom for teens. Let’s move on to chapter 1.

How It All Began My name is Katherine Adams. I have a dorky twin brother named Angel.

Well, at least the names are decent. Sorta.

Of course his name is Angel. Angel is very uncommon for a male. It sounds like you were trying to hard. The name doesn’t make the character. The character makes the name. The name John wouldn’t sound so cool if we didn’t know the character, but when we do, the name is suddenly badass.

 Though in my opinion he's probably Satan's spawn. I mean (COMMA) he's always getting into fights. He's been kicked out of at least 10 boarding schools. This school year (COMMA) he didn't get kicked out which is a miracle. 

Okay, I have some major issues with this sentence. There are no grounds for calling him Satan’s spawn when couple of sentences doesn’t explain how. He got kicked out of boarding school and gets into fights. He’s a delinquent, big deal. He must have been pretty shitty, if his TWIN sister is basically disowns him.

Elaborate. Sweet Jesus Christ, what did he do to deserve such a title as demon spawn? Did he run over a kitten, or something?! This is her brother - twin brother, no less. Yeah, the number of times he was kicked out isn’t something to sneeze at, but does that fact alone make him a bad person? That was a rhetorical question. We need to get to know the character, not listen to the narrator's biased opinion. If you want to make him seem worthy of hell spawn, tell us what he did. Let the reader form their opinions. By the way, shame on you for writing 10 instead of ten.

Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!

If any of you

STOP RIGHT THERE.

That is not how you start a sentence. I let you off the hook earlier when you wrote “I mean...”. This is ridiculous and uninteresting. You sound whiny and this is not how you address the audience. Not to mention that is the most awkward transition out there.

 are wondering (COMMA) he goes to an all boys boarding school and I go to an all girls.

No, we were not wondering.

We don’t care.

 I only know he didn't get kicked out because my mom called me to tell me that a ship was here to take us home and I asked about Angel.

Pardon? This sentence is all over the place. Stay on topic, please. What ship? Why are you on a ship?

We already know he was kicked out. Thank you, Department of Redundancy Department.

The pace of this story is slow...

Anyway let's get back to the topic of my family.

Thank you! You should have stayed on topic in the first place.

 My mom is single. She also doesn't like to talk about my dad. He abandoned us when she was 7 months pregnant. She was only 19 when she had us and my dad was 21. 

ELABORATE. Yeah, she might not remember this, but you could at least have her recall something her mother might have said. You know, make note of the little things. How about her mother’s behavior when the topic was on the table? Or how would she brush it off? Did she hold Poseidon in contempt? Or does she still miss him?

Question, how would anyone know what age Poseidon is or at least pretended to be? Her mother never liked to talk about him, so why would the narrator Sue know?

Ha! Who needs logic, right?! We have magic and stuff! Sarcasm

She has brown curly hair. Not the afro kind. More like she used a curling iron, only it's naturally like that. And she has dark green eyes.

Well gee, just say it was - I don’t know - curly? That was quiet a redundant statement. You didn’t need to restate the fact she had curly hair. We understand it was, don��t repeat yourself. Show the reader’s what it is, not what it isn’t. That slows down the pace tremendously. Also,

Don’t start a sentence with “and”. Repeat that with me.

Don’t start a sentence with “and”

Don’t start a sentence with “and”

DON’T START A SENTENCE WITH “AND”

My mom says my dad had black hair and sea green eyes,

Hooooold it! That’s a contradiction! Didn’t you just say she doesn’t like to talk about him? Isn’t he kinda like a He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in your household?

Poseidomort.

*giggle snort*

 which explains where we got our hair color and eyes.

I hope that really does explain it.

Please for the love of God, stop. This is not the way you go about describing your characters in a comparison. Even if you do just say “hair and eye color”. Your not even describing their appearance. People are more than hair and eye color, you know.

Wanna know something more irritating? You described eye color as green only a sentence ago. You didn’t even try to use it differently.

 However my hair is curly like my mom's. And I dyed a purple stripe on my hair when I was 13.

Irrelevant again!

Why should we care about a stripe you put in your hair (Past tense)? Unless she still has it, we don’t need to know.

Angel and I are 15 (COMMA) but he looks like he's older than that and I look like a child that's innocent. It's insulting. My friend, Emily, looks her age which is 15.

Say what? “A child that’s innocent?” Are you familiar with the English language? What’s wrong with just saying “innocent child”? Why innocent? This character hasn’t shown any innocence at all. If she was as you say, she wouldn’t call her brother the spawn of Satan. We should have a contradiction count. I have a feeling this is going to go down hill.

Besides, how is it insulting? Quit your whining. There are plenty of people who don’t look their age. That isn’t a problem to angst over. Exactly! 

Once again with the telling and not showing! By randomly throwing in a friend character, you have turned this into a train wreck. We have not been properly introduced to this “friend”.

She has dirty blond hair and blue eyes and creamy looking skin. She got her skin color from her mom and hair and eyes from her dad. Her dad has tan skin and she gets sunburned when she tries to get tan. So that's how we know she got it from her mother.

Do I even need to say that this is a train wreck? This a sudden jump from topic. You were talking about the characters and now your describing the friend. This character was never properly introduced. Do you know how many people would just skip over this? It’s boring.

How would her inability to tan automatically links her skin tone to her mother? Genetics are fickle. Even with people with the tannest of parents can still burn in the sun. 

 Her mom left just like my dad. She had Emily and left her at her dad's doorstep. It's sad. He was home and then there was a knock at his door. His maid went to get it and came back with a baby in a cradle and a letter.

Gee, doesn’t that sound familiar.

Yeah, almost like one other, very important cannon character.

The letter said,' Rick, the baby is our child.

What...?

What?

Just... No. Nope. No. Non. Nein. Niet. Stop. Are you implying that this Rick guy, who we only recently heard of, wouldn’t know that the little shit in a cradle wasn’t his? Even though he probably had slept with (insert goddess here), who apparently “loved him so much” (we will be hearing about this is a minute)?

 Her name is Emily. I would keep her but I can't.

Paging the Department of Redundancy Department. I would think she couldn’t keep the demigod spawn if she just left it on the doorstep. 

She wouldn’t say she would want to keep the kid. That’s a given. Besides, as seen time and time again, the gods generally stay out of their children’s lives as much as possible. They wouldn’t want to keep their kids.

 He would try to kill her.

Pray tell, who?

He who? Who is this he you’ve suddenly mentioned? Why are we being more vague than before? Is that even possible? Why not just say she’s in danger?

Maybe it was Poseidomort.

God damn it.

 He must not know of her existence. I'm sorry for dumping her on you.

No, you’re not.

 But please, keep her safe. For her sake and mine. I Love You' I memorized the letter after reading it so many times. That's not weird, right?

Gods don’t typically love (lust, maybe) mortals. There really isn’t a point. Gods are immortal, mortals are mortals. Makes sense yet?

Yes, narrator. That is very weird. What I want to know is, why do you have access to that letter (that shouldn’t concern you, might I add) in the first place? If there’s one thing that drives readers insane, it’s when the narrator suddenly knows all.

Anyway (COMMAS MOTHER FUCKER, USE THEM) Emily's like a sister to me. In fact (COMMA) she's going on the ship with me and Angel since we all go to Peru for school and live in Beverly Hills.

WHY? WHY PERU? What is wrong with you people?! Why would you ship your kids out to another country altogether?! Where would a single mother get that kind of money?! You made no effort to explain how! What’s wrong with a school in - I don’t know - AMERICA?!? And why is the “friend” tagging along?!

This is a very, VERY bad idea! Also, learn grammar. These run-on sentences are terrible.

So, when are you going to explain where she’s getting the money from?

 Another thing about Emily is that she has dyslexia and ADHD like me and Angel. 

Oi vey, stick to one topic or another. Stop jumping around.

Also (COMMA) Emily has a huge crush an Angel. Whenever she's talks to him (Getting really tired of your shit) she turns as red as a tomato. And Angel also has a crush on her. Everyone knows he has a crush on her (Would it kill you to put some COMMAS in?) except her. And vice versa. I mean (What’s that? Another missing COMMA?) it's so obvious.

Starting another sentence with “and” just before you start a sentence with “I mean...”

You are the bane of my literary existence. I should beat you with an English book. “And” is a conjunction, use it as such. I’m not the best when it comes to English, but this is basic stuff you should know.

He flirts with her and when James, one of our neighbors, made a move on her (COMMA) Angel punched him. 

The one time you properly use “and”... I would be proud, if the sentences corresponded. Seriously, whether Angel flirts with this character has nothing to do with James (another character thrown into this mess). It’s two separate thoughts.

He broke James' nose. He never did that for me when James made a move on me earlier that year, and I'm his sister.

I would like to point out that she referred to him as Satan spawn. Why should he care about her if she regards him so poorly?

 We were in the same womb for 9 months and he doesn't punch anyone that hits on me, but he does punch anyone who hits on Emily. And Emily knows that and she stills doesn't know about how he feels about her.

Research. Do it now.

Do your research. Most twins can’t stay in the womb for that long. They are usually born early to avoid birth complications. Also Department of Redundancy Department, I see you’ve made your way back into this story.

I’m confident you already claimed that he would beat the shit out of anyone flirting with his girl and ignore you.

Ah, the smell of angst in the morning. It’s vile.

People are getting more retarded. 

That is quite the generalization, isn’t it? I hope you know that when you say “people”, you’re also included. 

How ignorant can you get? You’re not exactly perfect either.

And when a girl flirts with Angel (COMA. I mean COMMA. Though a coma would be just as effective.) she gets jealous and walks up to the girl and the conversation would be like this or something similar

I hate when fanfiction authors do that. This is bad writing and lazy. You can’t provide an example like that. It’s dreadful.

Oh God, it’s written in script format...

Emily: Hey, didn't you have to do that thing? Girl: What thing? Emily: You know. That thing. Don't worry, I'll keep him company. Girl: what thing? Emily: That thing. Girl: What thing?! Angel: No need to shout. Girl: I'm just asking her what thing. Emily: * sighs in frustration* That thing. And the rest of the conversation would go on like that until the girl would get tired and walk away Emily:* as girl's walking away* Don't worry, I'll keep him company!

This is lazy! Dreadful! This is boring and uninteresting. I understand that I sound like a broken record at this point, but it’s the truth. Can’t you just describe it?! The conversation was a waste of time!

Here is the problem I’m having with this. She is once again telling, not showing and even then, its a poorly written example of this characters “witty” personality. 

It's pathetic (Punctuation is key) but it works. The first time she did (COMMA, just put a freaking COMMA) it I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.

Hahaha. You’re so funny. Haha.

Really? I didn’t find that funny.

 And then one time on Valentine's Day, Angel got Emily 2 Two boxes of chocolates. Only her. I admit it. I'm jealous because my brother is the only guy in my life that I care for deeply and he doesn't seem to care about me. I want his love since I never had my father to love me (COMMA) so I turned to my brother and he's to busy with Emily to pay any attention to me. But , but I would rather drop dead than admit that to him.

Pouring on all of the mother fucking angst.

Maybe, your relationship with your brother would be better if you respected him more than the dirt under your shoes. This goes to show how selfish the character is. Not that this is a bad thing. This is a decent flaw to have, if it wasn’t portrayed so poorly. Show with her actions that she is, because no one (or at least, I don’t) wants to hear the wallowing of a selfish brat.

Let's go back to the Valentine's story. So he got Emily 2 Two boxes of chocolate and no one else. Not even our mom, the woman who gave birth to us. Our mom could've chosen to have abortion or whatever they did to get rid of babies, but instead she chose to give us a chance at living and he didn't even give her a letter or anything. Boys are so selfish. I, on the other hand bought a box of chocolates for my mom and cards for Mr. Evans (Emily's dad), Angel (selfish jerk), and Emily.

*sniff sniff* Huh, suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here...

There she goes. Quit trying to make this narrator character seem so selfless. It’s fairly obvious she can’t stand her brother paying attention to someone else. There is no excuse for trying to make the brother look like the bad guy. So far, I haven’t seen anything that makes him as bad as you claim he is.

I remember what I wrote on Angel's card,' You didn't get mom anything?! You are so selfish. For once in your life think about others instead of yourself. How is it that you and I are twins? We are nothing alike! Mom should send you to a public school and not send you any allowance so you can learn your lesson.' I know how to get to him.

You know what.

I take what I said about Angel back. He’s clearly not the edgy one here. No, he’s the punching bag. All I’ve seen from his character is that he’s constantly being beat upon, for the sake of making the main character look better. This is all sorts of fucked up. You are not generating pity for the narrator. I hate her guts. Honestly. There is no other feeling towards her. Just hate. I can only hope that’s what you’re intentions were, author. This has bullshit written all over it. If you couldn’t tell, he’s not the selfish one here. How many times has that been said? She never tried to get his attention, never did anything besides being a loathing, asshole of a sister. We don’t need to hear her constant bitching or hear how selfish the brother supposedly is. Move on with the goddamn plot. I’m done with your bullshit to the point where I’m having a difficult time typing coherently. I can only hope this will leave some sort of impact.

Better?

Better. Moving on.

Yes, I remember the look on his face when he read that, utter horror. He depends on his allowance for everything. The only reason I knew that he didn't get mom anything is that he gave the boxes of chocolates to Emily earlier that day and I asked what he got for me.

Or you know, he was horrified that you were being a megabitch.

I wouldn’t give you jack shit if I had to put up with you. Why does this holiday matter so much anyway? It’s VALENTINE’S DAY, a holiday most known for romance. It’s not Christmas.

His reply, "I was suppose to get you something?"

That’s what I would say too.

The first realistic response to come out of this.

My reply, "I'll take that as a nothing. Did you at least get something for mom?" Then he had this guilty look on his face when I said that. "You selfish jerk. Mom probably got you something wonderful and this is how you repay her?" and then I grabbed him by the ear and dragged him to the kitchen to use his hands to play knives.

I sincerely hope that you had no intentions of making this character look like some sort of badass. You’re failing. Miserably.

Bitch alert. I repeat, BITCH ALERT. Since when could she get away with that? She could end up in deep, deep shit. Angel shouldn’t be as “terrified” of this whiny brat.

Now what you're probably thinking is, ' How can you do that to your own brother?!' but he didn't get hurt. I'm really good at knives. I've practiced so many times on the maids and butlers (INSERT COMMA HERE) I became really good at that game. And I did it as a punishment so, you know, he deserved it.

Bullshit. He didn’t do anything deserving that. No person would think that is a just punishment. These interactions are flawed, horribly. No one would do that over a box of fucking chocolates. The suspension of belief has been ripped apart, chewed up, and spat back out. This is unacceptable. Cut the fucking melodrama. Get to the plot already. You are essentially an oxygen thief.

You failed to mention the wealth of your mother. An explanation on how she’s obtaining this wealth is needed. I’m surprised that you have been bitching about your mother and how she doesn’t pay attention to you either because of her job or something. You know, unless she has a sugar daddy or something we don’t know about.

And our mom did get us something great. She gave me a huge teddy bear that's been patiently waiting for me to come back, and my mom got Angel a big box of chocolate that had at least 30 chocolates. He got diarrhea the next day since he ate the whole box in less than 20 minutes. He's obsessed with candy and I'm obsessed with chips, but my mom doesn't let me eat them because she says they're not healthy.

No wonder, Angel doesn’t want to pay attention to her. She’s doing all of these horrible things and is reveling in it.

Fuck it aaallll!

Fuck it aaallll!

Flip the tables, screw you all!

*ahem* In all seriousness...

Look at all the fucks I give. Oh wait, you can’t because I’ve run out fucks to give, if I had any!

My mom is too worried about my health and Angel(Apostrophe)s to let us eat greasy things. I think my grandma died of a heart attack because she had all her veins that connect to the heart clogged because she ate a lot of grease or something. My mom says the memory is blurry. My grandma died when my mom was 12, but the weird thing is that there is no grave stone with grandma's name and that my mom doesn't have any pictures of grandma.

Grandma’s death is relevant how?

Trick question. It’s not.

Not even going to bother correcting this train wreck of a paragraph.

By what my mom says about what she says she remembers about grandma she sounds evil. 

Gesundheit.

Nothing like my mom. My mom is the BEST mom. On July 5th, mine and Angel's  Angel’s and mine,

Your and Angel’s what exactly? Birthday? Lobotomy? Funeral? What?

 she got Angel a skating ramp that's in our backyard. And she got One Direction to come to my birthday.

Did you just...

Yep. Unfortunately, you don’t seem to understand that as singers, they can’t just drop what they are doing and visit this... this thing of a character.

 In fact I'm friends with them. I haven't talked to them for a while. Like a year. (That sentence shouldn’t exist. Hell, this whole story shouldn’t exist.) But when we hung out at the party(COMMA) it's like (Is it? Or is it not?) the last time I talked to them was yesterday instead of a year.

Good Christ. Why? This character is just some self-insert, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t doubt that.

And then the next present both Angel and I got from mom was 2 Two husky babies. 1 One for each. They were only a month old. And they were so cute. That was my 14th fourteenth birthday. And now I'm 15 fifteen and it's winter and yet it seems like my 14th fourteenth birthday was not even a week ago.

What part of I don’t give a flying mother fucking fuck do you not understand?

You know, I bet we’ll never hear about this again. I finally see why the main character is a selfish prick, if that makes it better.

Each year (COMMA) I look forward to my birthday (COMMA) but when I was 10 Ten (COMMA, MOTHER FUCKING COMMA) I used to think birthdays were pointless. I thought that you were celebrating that you were a year closer to death. When I told my mom this she laughed. She said, "You're looking at it the wrong way. Yes, in a way it's like celebrating that you're a year closer to death but you're also celebrating that you survived another year. Another year of living." That's what she said to me. I never forgot it. Like it was going to help me when I'm in a situation.

So edgy, you’re a fucking triangle.

This is going to be the death of me.

We’re almost done reading. Just hang in there.

Anyway (COMMA) I was coming home for winter break and be with my family and friends back at home. I thought I was going to cuddle up with my mom on the sofa (500% done with your shit.) watching romantic movies and commenting on who we thought was cute and who would have been a better person to play a certain role and watch scary movies with Angel and Emily. Little did I know everything was going to change.

What’s this? We might actually have a plot?! After an entire chapter of asshattery?!

Next time!

There’s going to be a “next time”...?

Sadly, yes.

Final Judgement

Not gonna lie, this is tamer than some of the other things we could have read. However, it is still just as poorly written.

This needs major improvement in terms of narrative and character introductions. The characters are all over the place and the only thing we learned about them is that Angel and what’s-her-face narrator are spoiled children of a rich mother, Angel is the punching bag and “spawn of Satan”, the narrator is selfish and can’t stand it when she doesn’t get attention, Emily has been deemed Friend #1, and apparently they are all demigod spawn. That isn’t a whole lot and instead of providing character development within the poorly written backstory, the readers are instead provided with a list of entitlements that we probably will never hear about again. Here’s some final advise: if it doesn’t effect the story later or it doesn’t develop the characters, then remove it. Nothing slows down a story more than useless information.

Chapter Rating

Okay, so how would you rate this?

2/10, if I’m being generous.

I’d say at least 3/10, because nothing happened yet. We might come back to this.

-Coffee and Tea

[coffeecupandteatime]

Hello All!

Hello, and welcome to our lovely blog. My name is teatime and the one sitting next to me is my sister coffeecup. Now what you should expect is drawing from her and some fun writing stuff from me. I do take requests. I make no request promises for Coffee.

Now we are hoping to post something when ever we can but we do take submissions as long as its related to the blog. Now we gotta go.

This is Coffee and Tea signing off,

see ya later!