#also semi-unrelated fun fact: Annette's name pops up more times than Mercedes and Dedue's do combined lmao weird

[butwhatifidothis]

Captain’s fic seems to not like waiting to set up stuff for a payoff. It just does things with no concern on how, for example, showing byleth with emotions early on, weakens the development later on when Byleth cries after Jeralt dies.

This is also seen with how much, as pointed out by others, Edelgard’s backstory is brought up again and again and again and again.

With sad backstories you need to be careful on when the character is to reveal it. And how it is revealed. There are some options. They can give small snippets here and there that eventually will add to create a whole truth. They can straight up lie but leave hints of inconsistencies for the reader to pick up on before more information is added. They can even say nothing on there backstory until a big event in the story makes them reach their breaking point and they have to reveal it. This overall depends on what story you are trying to tell.

Dumping a sob story very early on is not a good strategy. Especially when the writer wants the character to be sympathetic. It devalues the build up to other characters learning of the backstory and their reactions when the POV character constantly brings it up in full detail.

Also on an unrelated note, in the roasting Woobiegard au Ashe would probably be mixed on not appearing much. He’s sort of sad because he isn’t in the hilarity but he’s glad that he isn’t being embarrassed.

He also for a while has to comfort Caspar for also not having screen time. Though he would then point out that he wanted more screen time when Caspar is ready to quit because of his relationship with Kronya.

Alois would constantly check the book whenever Jeralt was in the story just to make sure it was actually Jeralt written down and not some other weirdo.

Dorothea would occasionally do ‘very serious’ dramatic readings of some of the ‘best’ parts. When she sees Edelgard holding a dying child in her arms she just snorts and chugs down a bottle.

Sylvain then looks at the paper and…tries… to recreate the scene with Felix, who is not at all pleased. Sylvain somehow makes the scene even more melodramatic and is soon punted by Felix.

Cyril regrets being taught how to read if this is the kind of stuff people make.

100% right on Cap’n not writing things for a payoff well. Often times he either leaves things alone when they could have made for some actually interesting dilemma (like what I said in my notes, the idea of Edelgard bringing up Miklan’s bandits when Dorothea, Ingrid, and Lysithea went to check up on her) or even seemingly full on forgets what he’s written (”No one can truly understand another’s pain” during the grieving Byleth scene vs “NO ONE BUT A FEW - WHICH INCLUDES ME - CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN” damn near everywhere else). Edelgard has pains in her arms and chest from the scars on her, but everyone can go around slapping the shit outta her shoulders and back without a peep from her, Byleth can grab and squeeze her hands and arms without a hint of complaint from Edelgard - n one needs to actually adjust themselves to Edelgard’s pain nor does she have to actually adjust to living with them, they’re a sidenote at best. The whole ordeal of Byleth’s emotions not giving any meaningful impact like you said, since she was never that detached from them anyway

As well as her backstory - there’s no subtlety at all. The way it’s handled - and how a lot of things in this fic are handled really - actually reminds my of this quote from a Youtuber named KrimsonRogue:

You know after a while you gotta stop holding the reader’s hands, they gotta figure some of this out on their own. If you keep reinforcing this - for no reason - it looks like you have no faith in their retention. “Hi guys, I wrote this book. I kept saying the same thing over and over because I think you’re all idiots.

And man, if that ain’t the fuckin’ truth. So many of these flashbacks just reveal the same thing over and over - Agnes was a 100% pure angel who never did Edelgard any wrong ever, Edelgard Sad, Duke Aegir Bad. And if they’re really meant to be “dissociative” then they fail on that front too, since Edelgard never loses focus after they happen and other never comment on any weird pauses she’d have. They’re just there for the reader to know that she’s sad - as if that hasn’t be utterly drilled into our skulls by now. When I see a paragraph of italics it’s just like aw shit, here we go again, another flashback to remind me of one of three things I already know. My favorite.

AND ROOSTING THE FIC AU RETURNS 

Ashe has to be the comforting shoulder for a lot of characters when they see how badly they’ve been butchered - Marianne is a frequenter, once she sees how ass-backwards she is in this fic. Dedue and Mercedes eventually have this happen to them too once everyone realizes that their names don’t even pop up like ever, let along them actually being physically present.

Bernadetta would read how Jeralt is written and look at Alois, then back at the “Jeralt,” then back to Alois - she thought they were two entirely different people?? Why is this Jeralt so much like Uncle Alois??

DOROTHEA ACTING THE FIC OUT OMG she convinces Manulea to join in and they overact to hell and back, especially in the more overdramatic moments - they’re half the reason the gang can get through this in the first place lmaooo, Sylvain tries to get Felix to join in with them and Felix fuckin’ instant transmissions out of the room

Cyril is not bappy