#also specifically kiyoi saying ‘don’t call my man a pebble’

[mineonmain]

Different forms of the same sentiment: How can we love each other if we are not equal in our eyes?

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Utsukare S2E2 & relationship themes - making some progress!

OK, so after I wrote an entire dissertation about relationship dynamics between Hira and Kiyoi in season 1 and the first episode of season 2, where do we find ourselves in episode 2? Well, there’s definitely been some movement in the right direction. They’re also continuing to illustrate some of the tendencies that have not been serving them well. One way to sum up my take on this relationship is that they’re both incredibly ambivalent about intimacy--both having intense needs and intense fears--but that historically, Hira is more of a pursuer and Kiyoi more of a distancer. Both pursuers and distancers are always supposed to “fail” some of the time (by design) so that even distancers will experience some closeness and even pursuers will get the independence they need. But Hira and Kiyoi have been too entrenched in these roles at times. And Hira’s, um, shall we say, quirky ways of pursuing have had a fail rate that’s a bit too high even for avoidant Kiyoi.

Kiyoi made some overtures in Hira’s direction in episode 1 of season 2, but he had an unfortunate tendency to do things like kick him afterwards. Hira made an effort to persevere in a social situation but was so dense about it that it bit him in the butt, then pulled out a partial victory by being sincere.

The story episode 1 was based on is actually set closer to the beginning of their relationship, and it shows. So episode 2 starts out feeling a bit more settled in a vague way before we even get to much of the specifics.

One of Hira’s themes for this episode is massively overreacting because he thinks he’s failing in his duties as a “servant” to the “king”--while Kiyoi stands by, mystified. Once it’s because he ran out of ginger ale, and then he loses it because he failed to stay awake while waiting up for Kiyoi after a late night at work. This way of relating to Kiyoi is convenient because Hira can do things for Kiyoi, which makes him feel useful to him and like he’s earning his place in this relationship he’s convinced he’s unworthy of, but he doesn’t have to take the same kind of risk of rejection or feeling inadequate as he would if he tried to relate to Kiyoi as an equal. Of course, there are also huge downsides to this. Among other things, Hira treating him like a “king” almost alienated Kiyoi from him completely before their relationship had even gotten started. And of course, that kind of contact is never going to lead to the authentic connection they need to keep their partnership going.

Hira also got challenged on a version of this in a way that seemed fruitful. When Kiyoi praised his cooking ability (”you’re incredible”) after his own cooking mishap reminded him that “cooking is hard,” Hira responded that he was “just a small pebble.” Kiyoi’s response--”You’re my man. Don’t call yourself a pebble”--was effective in part because it put Hira in a position where calling himself a pebble would be casting aspersions on Kiyoi, which is basically against his religion. Arguing someone out of deeply held negative beliefs about themselves isn’t always likely to be fruitful, but in this case it was so earnest and done with so much knowledge of how Hira’s mind works that it was a worthwhile effort.

Kiyoi was working on his stuff even more in this episode, probably in part because it was from his point of view. In addition to parrying Hira’s “pebble” comment, he attempts to show him some spontaneous affection. The first time, he wakes Hira up and triggers a torrent of self-recrimination. The second time, his smooch attempt gets cockblocked by a phone call from Koyama. But he tried! He even tries using humor to get around Hira’s defenses, with a jokey, gentler version of his old insults--a strategy which, interestingly, reminded me of suggestions I’ve often seen coming from parenting experts.

Kiyoi also makes a fairly valiant effort to be civil to Koyama and mostly succeeds. Even when he admits to himself that he “can’t be mature” about Hira’s continued relationship with Koyama, at least he’s showing some self-awareness and acknowledging that being mature would be preferable if he could just pull it off. But the biggest thing is that he’s able to take Koyama’s criticism to heart in a constructive way (is it just me or does he show a surprising degree of respect for Koyama’s opinion?) and even tries to act on it by cooking for Hira. The food may have ended up being horrifyingly bad, but at least he gained an appreciation of things Hira normally does for him. And he actually voiced it! Season1 Kiyoi would never. How much of all this was due to shotgunning a bunch of pork-flavored wine? Some of it, probably, but it I think he should still get an A for effort. 

The high point of the episode for me was Kiyoi talking to Hira about entering the photography contest. He does pull rank and use his status as royalty to order Hira to do it, but it seems like that’s the only way he’ll listen. Then he goes into persuasion mode and does a really admirable job. It’s hard to tell how much of this is sinking in for Hira as he mostly just seems stunned. But Kiyoi makes a good argument, gives Hira a lot of direct praise in the most convincing way possible, and shows vulnerability in a way that gives his perspective a lot more weight. The part where he tells Hira that he looks best in his photos was really affecting.

I mentioned in a post earlier that the blocking for the post-hotpot fiasco conversation scene seems really meaningful. As I’ve mentioned before, the show’s director, Sakai Mai, is on the record as making a point of following yaoi manga conventions that place the seme on the left (and, where applicable, the upper portion) of the page/frame and the uke on the right (or lower) portion. The show’s leads even use this placement almost every time they do social media posts and it’s followed in most of their promo photos as well. Sakai has talked about strategically switching up this placement and how it’s often a signal of roles shifting (though she also says she likes to “trick” the audience by doing so). Well, in that scene, Kiyoi sits above Hira (he’s on the couch while Hira sits on the floor) and on the left side of the frame. He later gets down to Hira’s level when he starts talking in a serious way about the photography contest, but he remains on the right. This seems to be meant to signal that Kiyoi is behaving in a seme-like way here, and he is definitely doing more pursuing in a way that bodes well for getting his relationship with Hira to a more balanced place.

So, yeah. Growth! Progress! But not so much progress that is seems unrealistic or un-earned. It seems inevitable that more wrenches will be thrown in their path soon but here’s hoping they will lead to more growth in the long run. it’s been really interesting to see the way this second season is shaping up. It is so distinct from season 1 in a way that seems appropriate. The stakes feel so different. Not higher or lower, but different. There’s so much more humor, in a way that fits. The show has changed but it seems like a change that is appropriate and earned. I’m really pleased with it so far.