#also tell me why my one minute traditional doodles look incredible but then i spend like half an hour on a digital doodle and i hate it

[calilk]

red life pearlo because :3

drew a lil biro doodle and loved it so DIGITAL FORM!! doodle under cut :)

please ignore the green hair making brown with highlighters is hard and i cba to fix it :D

kinda prefer doodle pearlo but ach weeellll

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 16

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I realize it took me way too long to do this, but I can explain. Uhh...

So for those of you who don’t know, I haven’t been home since September, and I won’t be home for another... two weeks, more or less? I’ve been to places where I couldn’t know if I’d have working wifi or any wifi at all so updating this fic has been a mission. So I do whatever I can to update at reasonable times.

With that being said, I finished this chapter way back last month while on a two week long trek in Nepal and haven’t had the opportunity to upload it, so I’m grateful I can now. Because this one... was a hell of an exposition ride for a lot of shit I planned a long long time ago.

Quick disclaimer - some bits of this chapter deal with the definition of transgender, and a specific learning disorder. The definition of transgender mentioned in this chapter has been taken from the DSM-IV-TR, which is a defunct edition of the DSM that came out in the year 2000 and has been replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. The definition has since been changed and separated, and I believe it is now called gender dysphoria, though I’m not quite sure. But it does not reflect my opinions on how dysphoria is related to being trans, I do believe (and have several sources to back me up, including the DSM-5) that you don’t have to be dysphoric to be trans. The same goes for this learning disorder, what is said in this chapter reflects only the way the characters think of it - and it will change later on, I can assure you - and not at all what I would think or say about it.

As is tradition, thanks to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for all her patience with me and my shenanigans (and not getting frustrated with my stupid ideas) and to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea and for giving me the best commentary for my screenshots when I send them. And also to @winglessnymph , @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl , who have fallen out of the loop but are still there. I know I haven’t sent you anything much in recent days, but... still.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @ilovemygaydad, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes (rather controversial) opinions/ideas about the definition of transgender (as mentioned in a now-defunct, but then the most recent, edition of the DSM), discussion of abortion, mentions of past self-harm, discussion of personality disorders and hospitalization, panic attacks, and description of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’m pretty sure I forgot something though, so let me know if I have so I can add it.

—————

Friday, May 30th, 2003

"...your valedictorian, Jenna Miranda Wheeler."

"Class of 2003…"

New York was beautiful in May.

Sadly, that was not where Remy was heading today.

According to Linda, Stephen was going to go on a business trip for at least two weeks in June, starting late May. So Remy was invited over for the summer. Not his first choice, but Leah begged him to come and Emile said that it might be a good idea. But…

Spending more than a day at Linda's, combined with the knowledge that Jenna and India have graduated just a few days ago and Chris hasn't, was a good enough reason for Remy to feel shitty. And he did.

The main upside was that Georgia was beautiful in May too.

He managed to cheer himself up somewhat by thinking of the good things that happened this month - Emile's TOVA results (9/9 inattentive symptoms, 4/9 hyperactive-impulsive, definitely has inattentive type ADHD), India's name being called at graduation instead of her deadname, Jenna graduating valedictorian, his friends moving to Virginia and so on - by the time the taxi from the airport pulled up in front of the, by now, rather familiar house.

And then his stomach dropped.

Stephen was still there.

"Do you need help with those bags, Rebecca?" He asked, eyeing the massive, neon pink duffel bag and the incredibly heavy purple backpack that sat on the sidewalk near Remy as he tapped his foot nervously.

"Not from you I don't. Thanks for the offer, but… no thanks."

He was too proud to admit that the duffel was too heavy for him to lift and he could barely drag it, but he packed most of his clothes and books in it. Some were mailed home. But not most.

"That shit gotta be heavy as fuck—"

"I said, no thank you. Now, move out of my fucking way."

Leah was napping by the time he finally dragged everything inside, but Rachel was doodling in the living room, smiling brightly when she saw him come through the door. She abandoned her crayons and waddled all the way to hug him.

As much as he barely knew her, Remy definitely loved Rachel too.

"I'm going to daycare," she mumbled somewhat, trying to use words she didn't quite know yet. "You have to come!"

"You're such a big girl!" He ruffled her pigtails, picking her up. She was so light for a two-year old. "Going to daycare already?"

"Mmhm."

"I'm so proud of you!"

She just hugged his neck and babbled on about her friends and daycare, her hand flying and her almost falling from his hold. This was another happy thing to add to the list.

He wasn't happy. But this was happy. For now.

—————

Stephen left on his business trip at around seven thirty, and Remy took a huge sigh of relief. Leah also woke up from her nap a few hours earlier, all grumpy and upset for some reason, and Remy tried talking her into telling him why she was so upset.

Linda said it was because of the nap. Leah only got even more upset.

"Why am I here?" Remy asked during dinner, while Leah entertained herself (and he was sure she didn't notice much) and Rachel was almost dozing off. "We haven't had a single good interaction since I was five years old, Linda."

"Am I no longer allowed to want to be around my son, Remy?" She stung back, looking anything but as aggressive as she just sounded.

"I'll be honest with you, kid. I know you don't like me. I can understand why. But what I don't understand is why you're bringing this up in front of your younger sisters. They're too young for this to—"

"I saw a movie about penguins on TV," Leah started rambling. "They're really weird…"

The argument stopped just as quickly as it started, and Leah was allowed to go on and on about penguins bringing rocks to each other. So he proceeded to just glare at Linda, who helped Rachel eat her pasta. This was awful, this was absolutely the worst situation he could've found himself in, and… he just wanted out.

And he kept wanting out even as Rachel already went to sleep, Leah was busy doing her homework last minute, and Linda asked Remy to help her clean up.

"I'm only here because Leah asked me to," he almost hissed as he was tasked with packing the leftovers in incredibly familiar tupperware containers.

"I want to spend more time with you, Remy. I'm still your mother—"

"Well, you haven't acted like it, like, ever!"

Linda sighed, putting the plate she was holding in the dishwasher. "I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuses—"

"So don't make any."

"—but I was barely your age when I had you. This is no excuse, I'm not trying to say that I had no idea what I was doing because of that, but I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you!"

"You could've aborted me! You could've been smart and used protection in the first place!"

"Condoms aren't a fail-proof—"

"Face it, Linda. You never wanted me. You're not homophobic or transphobic for the sake of it, it's clear you have at least some level of respect to queer people. You just never wanted me in the first place."

The next plate she was holding broke in the sink. "How fucking dare you say that?!"

"I'm just saying—"

"I have never wanted something in my life more than I wanted you!" Her screams hurt Remy's ears, going as far as to make Leah cry in the other room. Linda immediately lowered her voice. "I know I've been a bad mother to you. I regret every decision I've ever made while I was married to your father, except being married to him and having you. And I've spent every day since leaving you and your father regretting my decisions, and wanting to make it up to you, but you kept pushing me away. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Do you still think you're the only one who's been robbed of something in this relationship?"

"...you had Leah while you were still married to Dad" was all he could say. And he hoped he'd have the last word. "Was she a mistake too?"

Sadly, you can't always get what you want.

"Leah… is problematic. But she wasn't a mistake either. None of you are, and you can stop saying that. Whatever is wrong with her does not make her a mistake. Just as your gender identity disorder does not make you a mistake."

"No, you're right. It doesn't. It makes me transgender. A female-to-male man. You know those terms? Female to male, transgender? It's what people call it nowadays."

There was another long moment of silence as Linda cleaned up the broken plate and Remy finished packing up the leftovers, and Leah stopped crying.

It was a stressful silence. Very typical of home life with Linda Brigham-Hollander.

"...you may not have come at a time I liked," she sighed after everything, falling into a chair. Remy was ready to leave the kitchen, but this wouldn't let him. "I know we could've… waited a few more years. But you came when you did, and I don't regret that. You were never a mistake. I may have a hard time understanding… what… your identity. I'm trying my best to educate myself now, you know—"

"That's almost five years too late."

"I don't know what Leah told you about her school life, but whatever hardships she got understanding stuff—"

"She has no trouble understanding stuff as far as I can see—"

"Educational stuff. School material. She got that from me. Education comes harder for me, you may not know that. I was never the brightest student and I only completed my high school diploma when you were three years old. Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with you. But I couldn't learn when you asked me to. It felt like—"

"Linda, it didn't take Dad five years to be able to call me by my name and use the correct pronouns. Even if you don't mean it this way, this is bullshit to me. And I hope you get it."

And then he got up and left, leaving her to her own. If she cried, well… that's none of his business.

—————

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Nathalie and Emile were getting ready for the Tony awards when Emile had a panic attack.

No, that's not true. Emile has been having panic attacks all week long for some weird reason he couldn't explain, most likely not being able to talk to Remy all week long since his phone died and he couldn't get a new one just yet. But today was the worst one. So Julie lent him her phone for a call, to explain himself so he won't panic so much, but…

But Remy wouldn't understand. He'd be mad if Emile tried to call him from Julie's phone because of some panic attacks… and then he'd hate him, and then… and then…

Then he wouldn't have a best friend anymore…

What was India's phone number again…?

She picked up on the fourth ring. "India McGinty—"

"It's Emile," he almost sobbed the second she picked up. "I… I have a question…"

"Oh, honey, of course. What is it?"

"Do you think Remy would hate me…? My phone died and I can't get another one until next week and—"

"Emile, are you… are you crying right now?"

"No… I did before, I just…"

She sighed before clearing her throat. That's it, she hates him too—

"Do you mind if I pass you over to Jenna? She's better at this than me."

"...okay…"

"...Emile?" Jenna's voice was softer than India's somehow. She'd never raise her voice, but Emile was scared of the people who'd be there when she does once she becomes a lawyer. "Can you please explain what's going on?"

"Well… my phone died, and I can't tell Remy because he's with his mom and I don't wanna call him while he's with his mom, so I'm scared that if I don't talk to him all summer he'll hate me and then he won't talk to me anymore and I can't—"

"Let's slow down, you're only upsetting yourself. Remy is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I like him a bit more but, but it's not like I can just tell him that, and…"

"That's fine, we're not gonna focus on this for now. That's for another time. But he's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, I just told you!"

"So why would he hate you for something like that? He's going to understand, I'm sure."

"I don't… know… it just feels like he might…"

"I know. This feeling fucking sucks, doesn't it?" She chuckled. Emile couldn't answer to that. He just… he couldn't. "But it's not healthy to dwell on this feeling. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you fret about it so much."

"What do you mean…?"

"...have I ever told you that I was institutionalized until my second year of college?"

He couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. "No…"

"Okay. So I'll tell you now. I… how squeamish are you? I don't want to… trigger anything…"

"I don't know… I don't… I don't think I really mind much…?"

"Okay, I… I'll censor it anyway. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah."

"So when I was fourteen, I started harming myself. It's not… it was what you'd think, but not for the most part. I didn't cut really. But my parents knew, and they gave a ton of fucks and not just because they had a reputation to uphold like I thought they did back then. They just… they gave all the fucks."

"Okay… I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"Don't apologize, you had no part in this. And you never will. I promise."

"Okay."

"Two years after I started, my parents sent me to a psych ward. At that time they thought I was depressed, it was too early to diagnose me properly, so… I've lived for three years on doses of antidepressants that didn't do a whole lot, because nobody knew. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was nineteen, my medication prescription was fixed and I was let out of there when they decided I'm doing well enough to be able to live on my own again. I spent my first year of law school with a nurse attached to my hip, can you imagine?" She laughed, and Emile struggled to hold back a smile.

"Actually yeah… my sister is narcoleptic…"

"Oh shoot, sorry… didn't mean that. Anyway… back to the topic at hand, yeah? I was… infatuated, for a lack of a better word, with this guy. His name was David. I thought I was in love with him, but it turned out I idolized him to a point where he became my favorite person, and that was an incredibly toxic experience. He was like… like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. But dialed up to eleven. He was a fucking asshole and I haven't seen him in years… he was transferred to another place after an incident that involved one of my friends, she ended up almost killing herself because of this guy. And my anxiety over being perfect for him, over making him like me and making sure that he keeps liking me, made me extremely unhealthy in the long run."

There was a pause, possibly for Emile to process. Most likely. This wasn't fair… this was totally not fair! Why did good people have to go through shitty things?

"My next favorite person after him was a girl I dated for a couple months before India." Jenna sounded kind of breathless at that, as if she was crying herself. "And… she made me talk to her. She asked me questions for clarification all the time and helped me with my anxiety, especially when I felt like this. I was tiring, but… it's the effort she put into this that counted. Emile… you gotta talk to Remy."

"But… but I can't…"

"Who said? Communication is key. I know it might be really hard, especially for you, but… call him. It's his birthday soon, right? In July?"

"Yeah…"

"Call him. Write down everything you want to tell him and tell him then. I promise it'll make your anxiety a lot easier to manage."

————

"Remy," Linda called from the living room as he was heading to bed. This was becoming ridiculous…

"I told you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of this—"

"I can't read a single word in this cursed book of yours."

"...what book?"

"This DSM thing. Remy, darling, why do you need this book? It's so difficult to understand, couldn't they have written better books about this?"

He ended up not going to bed after all, instead resorting to making himself tea and going to sit on the couch next to her.

"Mom, that's… that's the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, mom. It's existed since the fifties. This is the revised version. They can't make it simpler to understand, I don't think."

"Well, your grandma's always said that if a child can't understand what's written, it's because the writer is bad at what they're doing."

"And so have a lot of my professors, but sadly this is what we have to work with. What's so confusing anyway?"

"I was trying to read about your… your thing, the gender identity disorder thing…" she turned the book to him. The passages in this section have been highlighted the day he bought the book and he knew them by heart. Well, for the most part. "I'm sorry, but the words are just… long and confusing."

"...that's fine… it's totally fine, I can… I can simplify it for you…"

"I don't need you to simplify it for me, I know English. I just… I can't read this! Big and confusing academic paper words."

Oh fuck…

"I'm a painter, not an academic, Remy. I can't read. You know this. You've known this forever."

"I forgot you're dyslexic…"

"And what does forgetting that help you?"

"Nothing… let's… let's go over this together, okay? The sections that apply to me." He waited for Linda to nod, rather reluctantly, before putting on his own pair of reading glasses.

"So, to diagnose someone with gender identity disorder there are two criteria, identifying with the opposite gender and feeling dysphoria. In order to meet those criteria, you gotta not be intersex, which I think is pretty stupid, and also it has to affect your daily life."

"Yeah, I know that. Your shrink told us that when you were fourteen. Let's move on, okay?"

"...okay. In boys, aka trans girls, this doesn't apply to me… okay. Girls with GID, aka trans boys, display a intense negative reactions to parental expectations, blah blah blah, you never had any expectations of me so this doesn't apply…"

"No no no no no, you will read this out. No skipping."

"Okay, fine! Girls with GID display intense negative reactions to parental expectations or attempts to have them wear dresses or other feminine attire. Some may refuse to attend school or social events where such clothes may be required... They prefer boy's clothing and short hair, are often misidentified by strangers as boys, and may ask to be called a boy's name. Reminds you of something?"

"...go on."

"Their fantasy heroes, yeah no, I never had fantasy heroes…"

"You had She-Ra."

"Yeah, but she made me gay, not trans, mom. Prefer boys as playmates, contact sports… yeah, none of that either…"

"You used to play soccer as a kid. Your dad has a lot of pictures of that, you know."

"I… didn't actually know that… huh."

"You didn't learn to kick a ball from your father, though. I'll tell you that."

It took a bit of time for Remy to stop himself from giggling, deciding to sip his tea instead. It didn't work very well.

"Yeah… well… moving on, ‘they show little interest in dolls or any form of feminine dress up or role-play activity. A girl with this disorder may occasionally refuse to urinate in a sitting position. She may claim that she has or will grow a penis and may not want to grow breasts or menstruate. She may assert that she will grow up to be a man. Such girls typically reveal marked cross-gender identification in role-play, dreams and fantasies.' Does any of this sound familiar, mom? Because I don't… I don't actually know."

"Until now… yeah. All of that sounds incredibly familiar. Look, I…"

"I know what's you're gonna say, and please don't. It's fine. I know you panicked, I know you said things you didn't mean to, but… can we leave that for now? That's a bridge we're gonna deal with later. Now, adults with GID…"

They ended up staying up for far longer than either of them wanted to, but it was alright. Linda wanted to learn. Remy was willing to teach her.

They only barely made it to bed at three in the morning, the page bookmarked for tomorrow, when they'll continue reading.

[emotionalsupportoldlace]

Four Times Gert and Chase Shared A Bed and the One Time They Didn’t

Title: Four Times Gert and Chase Shared A Bed and the One Time They Didn’t By: emotionalsupportoldlace aka me, Mindy Pairing: Gert Yorkes/Chase Stein (obv) Description: Title says it all! Warning: This fic contains heavy mentions of abuse.  Author’s note: There is a lot of cheesiness in this fic, because I’m the biggest sap. Also, below are the songs I listened to while writing this fic. I managed to fit in lyrics from each song, so here’s some context.

one two three four five 

This fic is dedicated to the very special and incredible Emma @shesbeautifulandsheglows, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEGEND!!! I hope you like this birthday gift. PS everyone go wish her a happy birthday plz she’s the greatest 💗💖💝💘💞💟💕

One.

Man, oh, man, you're my best friend / I scream it to the nothingness / There ain't nothing that I need

Gert hated sleepovers. When everyone came to stay at her house, it was fine. She welcomed it. She got to spend time with her friends AND sleep in her bed. It was the best! But when it was someone else’s turn to host, she dreaded the concept of sleepovers. It’s not that she didn’t enjoy seeing her friends, or the food and fun that sleepovers bring, but the idea of not sleeping in her own bed made her stomach feel weird. Most nights at her house, she ended up sleeping in bed with her mom and dad. She knew could never back out on attending one of the said sleepovers because they had become tradition and she didn’t want to feel left out. So she pushed through her fear, enjoyed herself as much as she could, and tried her best not to cry herself to sleep while in her sleeping bag. No one was ever to find out Gert was afraid of the dark and sleepovers, because she’s 8 years old! 8 year olds aren’t scared of sleeping alone! Especially GERT YORKES! If anyone ever found out about her deep, dark secret, she wouldn’t be able to take it! She would just die. Once a month they took turn hosting the sleepovers, and tonight was Chase’s turn. His dad was out of town on a trip for work, so it would just be Janet with the kids that night. It was always better when Victor wasn’t around, mostly because Chase was a lot more at ease. Gert wasn’t sure why, but it seemed like Chase was always on high alert when Victor was around. He didn’t smile as much, and that made her sad. In order to assure that tonight went off without a hitch, she packed her favorite stuffed dinosaur and her lucky pajamas into her backpack. Tonight would be okay, she kept telling herself, because she’d be at Chase’s house. The Stein residence, although stifled with tension, felt like home to her. Things were always better with Chase by her side. Out of the seven friends, her and Chase were the closest. She considered him to be her best friend. They’d been inseparable ever since they met, when their parents brought them all together for the first time. It was always easy around Chase; she was never nervous or uncomfortable around him. He made her laugh, and always made sure she was okay. If anyone was mean to her, Chase would come to her defense. In kindergarten Chase made his parents go to the school to get a bully, who regularly targeted Gert, switched out of their class. He got detention in 2nd grade for punching a boy who was making fun of her shoes on the playground. Just this year he broke his arm in gym class when he prevented Gert from falling. Sometimes she thinks Chase gets more upset about things relating to her than she does herself. Chase was just a friend, though. He didn’t give her intense butterflies. She didn’t blush whenever he was around. His hugs didn’t make her feel weak in the knees. His laugh didn’t make her feel a thing. She didn’t think about him every night before falling asleep. Those “I <3 Chase” doodles in her diary were a joke. She definitely didn’t have a crush on a Chase. Boys? Gross. Crushes? Double gross. The idea of kissing Chase? UGH! That night, after all the games of Candyland, the many slices of pizza, and some pool time, the kids were all cozied up on the floor of Chase’s living room, watching some animated movie Gert didn’t care for. She was too busy worrying about falling asleep. Gert spent most of her time worrying amour the littlest things, and it never seemed to get easier. The older she got the worse the worrying became. She hated that. As she glanced around at her friends, she noticed most of them were already asleep. Swimming did tend to tire you out, and they had played together long at all. So why wasn’t she tired at all? Why couldn’t she ever seem to turn her brain off? Her train of thought was cut off by the sound of footsteps. Janet was coming in. Everyone was asleep, so she pretended to be too, to avoid the awkwardness that might ensue. She heard the click of the TV remote, and the room became eerily silent, give or take a few snores. Gert’s surroundings became significantly darker, other than the light from the moon peering in through the curtain. She shriveled up in her sleeping bag and held onto her dinosaur right. Gert laid still in her sleeping bag, turning every once and a while to look at the clock nearby. She couldn’t see if very clearly,  if she knew it was past midnight. It was a curse she hadn’t fallen asleep yet. She shut her eyes tight hoping a miracle might happen and she’d finally fall asleep. Mindless thoughts scurried around her brain and the minutes of restlessness turned into another hour. Gert could feel the lump in her throat growing. She tried her hardest not to cry, hiding her face in her pillow. Out of nowhere, she felt a tap on her shoulder. At first she thought she might be dreaming. Maybe she had been asleep all along? Nope. “Gert?” whispered Chase, who has been asleep right next to her. She reached for her glasses, putting them on so she could see him better. “Yeah?” “Why are you awake?” he responded as quietly as possible. She sighed and avoided his eyes. “I can't sleep. I’m fine, though.” Chase chuckled and put his hand in her shoulder, which sent waves through her body. “I wasn’t asleep either. I hate sleepovers.” Gert gasped, a little too loudly, by the look on Chase’s face. “You do?” Chase nodded and leaned closer to Gert’s face, making her hands sweat. He was all up in her personal space, and she did not care. Maybe she did like Chase, but she’d worry about that later. “I’m scared of the dark. It’s why I have glow in the dark stars in my ceiling. My dad won’t let me sleep in their bed with them on nights when I get super scared, so I had my mom put them up so I wouldn’t be afraid anymore.” He smiled at Gert. Gert felt relieved. Of COURSE Chase was scared of the dark. That was just another thing to add onto the list of things they had in common. “Me too,” Gert replied as Chase climbed out of his sleeping bag. She brought a finger to her lips, signaling him to be quiet and not wake up the others. He extended a hand, and she hesitantly interlocked their fingers, holding onto her dinosaur with her other hand. She hoped he wouldn’t be able to tell how sweaty her hand was. He whisked her off towards the stairs, tiptoeing down the hall towards his bedroom. Chase opened the door and led Gert to his bed. Gert felt like she was about to explode. As children, her and achase napped together plenty of times. But now they were older, and maybe Gert had a crush on Chase, which complicated things. He patted the spot next to where he was already laying. Nervous as hell, Gert climbed into bed next to him. She laid quite a difference from him, not wanting to make it weird. “Come on Gert. I don’t bite,” Chase said as he moved closer to her. Their hands were touching now, and Gert nervously laughed as she stared at the glow in the dark stairs that filled the room with just enough light. She turned towards Chase and smiled, noticing he had already been looking at her. There she lay, next to her best friend, the boy she probably liked. It was just the two of them. If this was a dream, she hoped she never woke up. As Gert’s she’s began to close, sleep slowly creeping up on her, she felt Chase ease his hand onto hers. He laced their fingers together, and Gert tried her hardest not to make a note of it. She played it cool, closing her eyes while a smile crept across her face. “Goodnight Chase.” “‘Night Gert.” Gert was content in her surroundings, while holding onto Chase’s hand, right on the cusp of sleep. One gina thought echoed through her mind before exhaustion overcame her... Yep, she definitely liked Chase Stein.

*******

Two.

I can’t get my head around it / I keep feeling smaller and smaller / I need my girl

It’s 11pm on a Wednesday night, and Gert feels like she might collapse from exhaustion soon if she doesn’t finish this English essay she’s been slaving on since she got home from school. She doesn’t know why she put off this assignment for so long, because that’s so not like her. Gert’s not the type to procrastinate, she has a GPA and persona to manage, duh. It’s not that she cares about what others think, she just likes being the best of the best. It makes her feel extra good about herself when she gets straight As on every assignment and project while the popular girls struggle to even get Cs. At least she has one up on them in one aspect.

Her back is aching and her head feels like it weighs 500 pounds. One break wouldn’t hurt, she tells herself. It’s her fault she’s being forced into pulling an all-nighter, so she might as well treat herself. Emerging from her computer chair for the first time in what seems to be an eternity, she gets up and walks into her bathroom, beginning her prep for a well deserved shower. Gert settles for nothing less than hot showers, and she can’t imagine why anyone else would. A scalding shower is what she wants more than anything right now, other than to sleep for the rest of the week. If only Gert didn’t care about perfect attendance or education in general. Sometimes she wishes she could be a slacker, but it just wouldn’t feel right.

All is going to plan until Gert is about to pull her shirt over her head when her phone rings.

“Of course,” she groans, picking up her phone from the sink counter.

It’s Chase.

She eagerly answers, wondering what on earth would cause Chase to call her this late. He’d never admit it to anyone, but she knows he’s an early sleeper. He has the sleeping pattern of a grandpa. It’s cute - one of the many cute things about him.

“Hello?”

“I’m outside. Can you come let me in?”

Chase’s voice is low, and sounds raspy; kind of like how it sounds when you have a cold or you just finished crying. She knew he wasn’t sick - she had just seen him before he left for lacrosse practice and she headed home. So, it must be the latter, which means something is seriously wrong. A pang of fear rushed through Gert’s body and before she could even realize that she was running down her stairs, she’s already at her front door.

She took a deep breath before opening the door, trying to mentally prepare herself for what might be on the other side. Gert has a bad feeling about this, and her intentions were usually right. What if someone died? Oh my god, what if he murdered someone? Her thoughts ran rapid, and she wished her constant negativity could take a break for a second.

Fuck.

You know how Gert is usually right? This time was no exception.

She opened the door to find Chase, in his lacrosse hoodie, arms crossed and face hidden. “Bad sign,” she tells herself. His demeanor is off, shoulders down and his body language was off, which was odd. With Gert, Chase is always an open book. They tell each other everything. 

At least that’s what she thought.

Gert doesn’t say a word to him; just leads him up the stairs into her room, quiet enough so no one hears. Dale and Stacey wouldn’t care anyway, because they love Chase and they’re chill like that, but since she doesn’t know the context of the situation at hand, she doesn’t want to get them involved (yet.)

When they enter her room, he sits on the bed and looks down at his hands, fidgeting with them like usual. It’s one of his nervous habits. Chase has been accustomed to never showing his emotions in the realest sense, except for when he’s around her. That’s how he was raised. She sits down next to him, and gently places her hand on his knee, letting him know that she’s there but still not forcing anything out of him. She thinks she hears a soft sniffle when Chase raises his head, removing his hood.

What was underneath is something Gert knows she’ll never forget.

There’s a bruise forming under his right eye, fresh blood still running from the gash on his cheek, peppered with tiny cuts all over his face. She swears she can still see glass in his hair.

She tries her hardest not to react, but she can tell she’s not doing a very good job. Gert can’t take her eyes off him or the blood drying on his lip, which is also swollen. The pain written all over his face, exhuming from his body, is too much for Gert to handle, but she’ll try for him, because she knows he’d do the same.

“My dad...he just lost it, you know? He fucking lost it, and I just so happened to be there, so I was the one he took it out on. Like usual. But it was worse this time Gert. Oh god - I didn’t mean to...to tell you like this. I know we’re always so honest with each other but I was so scared. Scared that if he knew I told...that he would hurt you too.”

Gert can barely breathe. Her suspicions all these years were right. He’d mention here and there how awful his dad was to him and Janet but she never thought...she didn’t know. Oh god, she felt so guilty.

“Chase,” Gert replied breathlessly. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

She reached for his hand and he quickly pushed it away, reaching his hands up to pull off his hoodie instead, revealing the carnage on the rest of his body. Gert couldn’t hold in her gasps any longer. She looked at Chase as the tears began to form in her eyes, lip quivering. Her hand found its way to his chest, soaked in blood. It was a wonder the cuts weren’t deeper, you would have thought by the sight of his white-now-red tank top. Her fingers trailed up and down, trying to take in what she was seeing. She so badly wanted this to be a bad dream, but she knew it was real and that she needed to take action.

“He threw a vase, and then knocked me over into the mirror in our dining room. Then he started throwing punches. I was defenseless. I came over here almost as soon as he gave up and left. My mom’s visiting family, she’s not home, I normally wouldn’t have come here but...I didn’t want to be alone. I was so scared to be in that house even with him gone.”

Gert could feel the pain in his voice. His entire body was still shaking.

"I'm always here. I'm not going anywhere," she replied. He still wouldn't look at her.

Gert placed her hand beneath his chin, lifting it up ever so delicately. "I mean that Chase," she started, "you never have to be alone."

This statement broke his cold exterior. Chase began to cry, sinking into Gert's arms. She ran her fingers through his hair, rubbing his back with her free hand. His body shook from the sobs leaving his body. Gert's sadness for him quickly turned to anger. God, she wanted to fucking MURDER Victor Stein. She'd only seen Chase cry one other time, and that was when he dropped his ice cream that one summer day when it was extremely hot and they were all over tired from playing at the beach all day. That was a tired cry, but this was a real cry. This was the rawest cry she'd ever witnessed. All she could do was be there for him. Finding the words to say became increasingly harder as his cries died down. Gert knew nothing could make this better, she just hoped her comfort could help the tiniest bit.

"Sorry," Chase muttered, pulling away from their embrace, hands still lingering atop of her own. He shook his head, wiping the excess tears from his face. "I'm a mess."

"You're not a mess. There's nothing to be sorry for," Gert said, "and you can cry all you need to. Or scream. Whatever else you need."

He looked at her, a smile finally emerging on his face. God, she thought she'd never see him smile again. "What would I do without you?"

She laughed. They had moments like this often. Borderline romantic. Flirtatious and playful. Gert never knew what they meant, if they had any meaning at all. They had this unspoken thing between the two of them that they never touched on. It was pretty apparent to everyone else that the two had something there, but they never did anything about it. Who knows if they ever would.

Gert took his hand and lead him into the bathroom to clean his cuts. "Nurse Gert to the rescue!" she said, and Chase burst into laughter, which made her heart soar. She really, really loved his laugh, and how it brought his dimples out to play. His dimples were her weakness. He removed his bloodied tank top and threw it in the garbage, and now Gert was alone, in her bathroom, with a shirtless Chase. Right now was not the appropriate time to freak out over this, but she felt her heart speed up and she desperately hoped he wouldn't notice the subtle change in her demeanour. After a few tiny screams (that Chase would never admit to), the dried blood on his body was gone and some of the wounds were covered with bandaids (they were Marvel band aids, which Chase didn't atest to, making sure Captain America was on all of them) but the evidence of the night's tragic events were still there, his black eye still forming. She hated seeing him like this, so vulnerable.

They both left the bathroom, walking back to her bed, and Chase picked up his hoodie, throwing it in Gert's clothes basket. "Just get it back to me when it's clean, okay?"

Gert nodded. He began walking towards the door, and Gert about lost her mind. Did he really think she was going to make him go home? She rushed in front of him, blocking the door. "You can stay here Chase. You're crazy if you think you're leaving this home tonight."

His eyes widened, stunned by her bluntness. "Thank you. I don't know how I'll ever repay you."

"You don't have to. This is friendship, you dweeb. Now get into bed," she ordered, shutting her laptop still open on her desk. There was no way she was finishing her work now, she'd probably end up missing school tomorrow anyway. Perfect attendance and amazing grades didn't matter when someone was in need, especially when that someone was Chase.

"Ooookay mom," he said, getting under the covers of her now occupied bed. Oh my god, a shirtless Chase was in her bed. Gert dreamed of this moment so many times but she never imagined that it would a) ever happen and b) under these circumstances. On any other day, she'd probably just sleep on the floor. But he didn't want to be alone, right? It wouldn't be weird doing it this one time, would it? No, definitely not. Not weird at all.

She turned off the lights in her room and followed suit, crawling in next to him. Gert laid silently, facing the wall, trying so hard to keep her cool, but that was useless once she felt Chase's arms wrap around her abdomen, molding his body around her own. He interlocked their legs and buried his head into her neck. Oh my god, he was cuddling her.

"Is this okay?" he whispered into her ear, sending shivers up her spine. It would seem he could tell she was freaking out. She nodded. "It's okay if it's okay with you," she replied.

"It is. Thank you Gert. Thanks for always saving me," the softness and sincerity in his voice filling the now quiet room.

"Anytime."

She'd worry about that paper tomorrow.

*******

Three.

Honey, I wanna break you / I wanna throw you to the hounds

Gert and Chase were bickering. Again. For the third time that day.

They had been on the road for 5 hours now, in search of an abandoned motel to stay in. To no avail, they weren't having as much luck as they did with the vehicle they stole. They found an old van in an alleyway, keys still in the ignition. Go figure. Whoever was so careless to leave behind something so valuable was now their saving grace. Their hero.

It was Nico's turn to drive, and if this van wasn't filled with people she loved and adored, she'd probably run herself off the road right now. Not because of the fact that they were homeless, without cash, had no food, and that she was exceedingly tired, but because Gert and Chase wouldn't shut up.

She knew about their hookup, and she was the only one who knew that the two of them had admitted that they had feelings for each other. Nico wished they would both buck up and just get it over with already. They were meant to be together since they were four years old.

Apparently everyone knew that except for them. It was exhausting to watch them pick at one another and then see them staring longingly at the other when they weren't looking. That's how things had been ever since the night they ran away, and it got worse every day. They would argue over the stupidest things, one of them would get their feelings hurt, and then they would sulk for the remainder of their long days, refusing to speak to each other. So annoying.

Chase was like a love sick puppy. You could tell all he thought about was Gert. He thought she didn't want him, when Nico knew it was the exact opposite.  Gert, on the other hand, was better at hiding her feelings. She was also going on two weeks without her medication and her outbursts were getting harder to control. Nico had taken it upon herself to calm Gert down when things got bad, but lately even that wasn't working. She was suffering in plain sight and they all knew that, especially Chase. No one knew what to do about it.

Nico felt so badly for her, but she knew that if Gert would just TALK TO CHASE, things might get even the slightest bit better for her. But nope. Every time Nico tries to tell Gert that, Gert lifts a finger or a hand, tells her to shut up, and leaves her alone for the rest of the day.

That's okay though, because Nico has been up to something. She's been planning something for the past few days and everyone else was involved. Except for Gert and Chase, of course.

They just had to find a motel.

---

Hours later, Nico came upon a ratty motel that was still livable. There were still separate room intact and beds to sleep in, with working sewage systems. They could sleep! They could shower! Most importantly, Gert and Chase would finally get to talk! They wouldn't have to be annoyed by their best friends anymore!

The plan was that Alex would get his own room, so he could be on the lookout for the night.  He slept most of the way to the motel anyway, and was already good at all nighters from his many nights of gaming. Old Lace would stay with him to help and to keep him company. Molly, Karolina and Nico would share a room, because Nico wanted to room with Karolina and not Alex, obviously. Somehow,  Alex still had no idea about Karolina and Nico, but that was another thing to deal with on another night. Gert and Chase were the priority. So, it was decided that Molly would stay with Karolina and Nico, so Alex wouldn't suspect anything and so Gert and Chase would be forced to stay in the same room together.   

To no one's surprise, Gert was NOT happy about this idea.

"Why can't Molly just stay with me? She's my sister!" she exclaimed while pacing around the parking lot of the motel.

"Because Gert, I want to stay with Karolina and Nico. Bonding time outside of the van is important," Molly replied, "and no offense, but you snore."

"I DO NOT SNORE!"

The rest of the group struggled to not chuckle as they watched Gert throw the fit they all had anticipated. Chase stood off to the side, trying not to get in the middle of it all, not wanting to make things worse. He knew he wasn't Gert's favorite person at the moment so he didn't want to add fuel to the fire, even though he didn't really know what he ever did to her.

"It's just for one night, Gert. It's not the end of the world," Karolina remarked. Gert huffed and threw her hands in the air.

"I give up."

She picked up her bag and stomped off in the direction towards the designated room her and Chase were assigned. Chase looked around at everyone, bewildered, and followed behind her, keeping his distance.

"Boy is he in for a fun night," Alex said, while everyone else erupted into laughter. They were terrible friends, but it was for their benefit. They'd thank them later.

---

Gert hated her friends. She hated them so much. All the love she had in her heart for them had been poisoned into hate that day. Gert knew they planned this and wanted her to be miserable. Why did her friends have to care so much about what was going on between Gert and Chase? Nothing was going on anyway. They weren't anything at all. They didn’t even act like friends anymore. All they did was fight and disagree. Now she was stuck in a room with just him for a night. Gert couldn't think of anything more torturous than that.

At least there was two beds. They weren't smart enough to check to see if the room had one bed. Gert had one-upped them. She was beating their master plan.

She was sitting on her bed, reading some book she had picked up on one of their thrift store runs. Sometimes in between picking out some new clothes, she would grab a book or two to occupy her time. Her mind was a mess these days, between Chase and not having meds. It was nice to have a distraction every once in a while. Chase was in the shower, and Gert wished he would just sleep in the bathroom. Anything to keep her away from him in such close proximity. She had already showered earlier and was nice enough to not use all the hot water. She wasn't that terrible of a person. They hadn't said a word to each other since they entered the room and Gert assumed it would stay that way until tomorrow. At least she hoped.

Gert was in the middle of flipping a page in her book when the bathroom door opened. "Damn it," she said under her breath, taking a glance up to see a newly cleaned Chase in just a towel.

Steamy, extremely ripped, wet Chase in a towel.

Gert couldn't help but bite her lip. She covered her face with her book, hiding her blushing cheeks. She could feel how red they had gotten. The feelings rushing through her body needed to quit. Now wasn't the time for her hormones to be acting up. There was no time for pleasure, especially in a motel room this small with walls as thin as paper. God. She could feel herself getting warm. Why did Chase have to be so fucking HOT?

She pretended to read her book while he got dressed, sneaking a glance every now and then, hoping he couldn't tell she was peeking at him. And his ass.

Chase had a really nice ass.

Get a hold of yourself girl. That doesn't matter. It was a one time thing. Chill. She kept telling herself that. It's what she's been repeating to herself since that night before they ran away. It was never going to be anything and she needed to remember that. Or at least convince herself to believe that.

She got so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't notice he had already turned off his light and gotten into bed. Gert followed suit, switching her own lamp off and laying her book on the nightstand.

The room was uncomfortably silent and the divide (filled with an abundance of tension) between the two small beds could be cut with a knife.

Neither of them pretended to sleep. That was a useless tactic. They were both insomniacs on the run.

Chase was doing his best to avoid Gert because the last thing he wanted was to fight her again. He was so tired. Tired of running, tired of feeling, tired of pretending like he wasn't irrevocably in love with Gert Yorkes. She was all he thought about and it seemed with every passing day that she hated him more. Gert's anxiety was the worst it had been in years, seemingly because she had no medication, and he hated seeing her hurt. All he wanted to do was protect her, to hold her, to tell her it would all be okay. But no matter what he did or tried, she wouldn't let him in. She continued to push him away more.

Laying in this motel room scared him. He was almost afraid to breathe. Chase felt like that a lot around Gert. Not because she terrified him, but because the love he had for her had taken over his body like a sickness. He had been possessed by her. Her touch haunted him, her laugh echoed in the rare quiet moments they all had. And her kiss...it was all he thought about. He wanted to kiss her again so badly. Not knowing the night at the dance would be the last time he'd ever kiss her was something he wished wasn't his reality.

He didn't sleep much these days and when he did it was because his body couldn't stand being awake anymore. When exhaustion took over, he slept for eternities and dreamed of being with her. Chase knew he wouldn't sleep tonight, and he hated that, because the person he wanted most was less than two feet away from him and he couldn't have her. That was enough to cause never ending insomnia.

Chase wondered what time it was. This room didn't have a clock, go figure, and he had left his watch in the glove compartment of the van. He had nothing to occupy his time, especially in the dark. The moon wasn't even in view. He turned over on his side and of course, Gert was facing the other way. Part of him was relieved, but he was mostly sad.

He remembered their sleepovers as a kid. They always had so much fun together, and at night when they couldn't sleep because they were afraid of the dark, they'd play silent games or sneak off to a bed to sleep in together. They had the most unconventional friendship as children. It was pure and untouchable. But then they got older, and things got in the way. Feelings, fathers, death, fake popularity, and the fact that their parents were murderers. When the group got together again, Chase thought Gert might re-enter his orbit, and the rekindling was there until they fucked it all up. Until he fucked it all up.

They had sex and he wanted more, she didn't, she shut him down and he didn't speak up. He didn't tell her the truth. Chase was always so loyal to Gert. They would tell each other anything, and their few secrets never stayed hidden for long. Before Amy died, Gert was his safe haven, the only person who had never judged him. She knew everything about him and was there for him whenever she needed him. When Gert said it was a one time thing, he reverted back to the young boy who was taught to hide feelings, who was told to never show weakness. He should've told her it wasn't a one time thing that night, but instead Chase let Victor Stein's “Steins don’t show weakness” mantra get into his head at the worst moment. The moment that could've changed everything for the better but instead made everything worse.

He sighed, shutting his eyes, hoping he'd get in at least a few hours of sleep. It was worth a try. But his wish was soon cut off by the sound of a sniffle and slight movement.

"Gert?"

No reply.

Another sniffle. More movement.

A few moments went by before Chase tried again.

"Gert?" he whispered. No response again.

Of course. Damn it! Gert thought Chase was asleep and that he wouldn't hear her. Her stupid emotions caught up to her in this dark room and she had to release. She could only keep things to herself for so long. Her therapist always told her it wasn't good to build up emotions, but what did she know, she'd never been on the run with her friends and the boy she's loved since she was in preschool. She wasn't on the runs without her MEDICATION! So on days when Gert found herself alone, she'd let herself cry so no one would see. Clearly her mind didn't get the memo, because here she was, crying, in a room she shared with him. Chase Stein. The one she wished she could forget. The man she knew wouldn't let her cry softly to herself.

Nico's stupid plan was working. Ugh.

Chase couldn't stand it anymore. He got up from under the covers and crawled into Gert's bed, making sure not to touch her or say a word. It was her decision to react, or push him off the bed. He made his move. The ball was in her court.

Much to his surprise, she turned over to face him, tear stained cheeks and all. She continued to cry as he looked at her, absentmindedly moving a hand to her shoulder.

"I'm so scared," she choked out between sobs. Her crying only began to get worse. Chase hated when Gert cried.

"Everything is terrible. I don't have my meds, we don't have a place to live, Molly misses our parents, I miss my bed, we're probably going to prison, and on top of everything else, you- you're just- you're you. I don't even have you anymore. I have nothing anymore."

Chase’s heart shattered. He moved his hand from her shoulder to her cheek, stroking it gently. "You will always have me, Gert."

She shook her head. "I ruined this. My stupid mouth, my stupid brain..." Gert choked out, "ruined us."

So there was an "us." Chase thought to himself.

"It's not ruined if you don't want it to be. I know I don't want it to be."

Bam.

The truth was out there.

Gert's eyes narrowed. Her heart sped up. It was now or never. Even though Nico will get the satisfaction she desired, this is your only chance. Don't fuck this up, Yorkes.

"I don't want it to be either."

Chase now had both of his hands on her face. In the dark of night, four bright eyes lit up like stars for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity. Their lips naturally found their way to each other, Gert draping her body over Chase's. Soft kisses turned to heated making out, all that built up sexual tension leaving their bodies for the last time. When they were finished, all that kissing (and crying) left them exhausted.

So of course they slept in the same bed. "No need to separate when our body heat can keep each other warm," Gert had said.

Nico's plan had worked. And Gert would never tell her, but god was she thankful her best friend was as conniving as her. She'd tell her someday.

Maybe at the wedding.

*******

Four.

We don’t have forever / Baby daylight’s wasting / You better kiss me / Before our time is run out

At the hostel, Gert and Chase decided to share a room. There wasn't a reason for them to separate. They figured no matter what, they'd end up in the same bed by the end of the night anyway. Instead, Old Lace got her own room to chill in. She loved it, especially when she needed her space away from the humans. Dinosaurs have feelings too, you know. Most nights, though, she ended up sleeping in their room, on Chase's side.

Ever since Gert and Chase got their shit together, Lace had warmed up to Chase. She's always wanting to lay on Chase or play with him. Gert thinks it's adorable, Nico thinks it's crazy that Gert's feelings are so intense for Chase that they've spread to her dinosaur, and Molly is sad that she's not Lace's favorite anymore. "Lace has more than one favorite, Molly. She loves you," Gert remembers to tell her every so often. Molly has lost so much of her innocence already, Gert won't let her lose anything else.

Their bed is the biggest in the house, not because they're a couple, because so are Karolina and Nico, but because some nights Molly would sleep with them too. Originally they had a smaller bed, but on their first night in the hostel Molly got scared and ended up sneaking into their bed. Chase woke up that morning with a full head of curly hair covering his face.

It was cute, how Molly had taken to Chase. They always had an interesting bond and Chase had always seen her as a little sister, but in some ways he had now taken on the paternal role in her life. He disciplined her, gave her chores to do, and would read to her every night before bed. It had become part of his daily routine, he told Gert, and he loved doing it. They also strength trained together every day with nonsensical house items, which brought them even closer.

Gert loved how much Chase loved Molly, and how much he loved her dinosaur. But mostly she really loved Chase. She really, really loved Chase.

And he knew it.

It happened that one spectacular night, when Molly was fast asleep in her own room. They laid cuddling in their own bed, clothes scattered everywhere on the floor, their bodies intertwined. Chase was mindlessly playing with Gert's hair, which she loved. She was basking in their glow, fingers trailing up and down his chest. He placed a kiss on the top of her hair, which was much longer now and hadn't been properly dyed in month. Chase made a mental note that they'd have to get hair dye on their next grocery run. Gert would never speak up about needing anything, because lately luxuries don't come easy to them, but that doesn't mean he can't get it for her. There wasn't any way she'd flip out as much as she did when he snuck off to get her meds. Chase really thought Gert was going to murder him in cold blood that night. He couldn't stand to see her suffer anymore, so him and Alex came up with the perfect plan so that Chase could get into the Yorkes' home to find her meds and leave. Everyone else approved, except for Gert, who was unaware of the night's events (which went off without a hitch!) until she woke up the next day to Chase holding a bag out in front of her, which contained her meds and a few other things from her bedroom, including her super old stuffed dinosaur that she slept with until they ran away. She threw the bag at him and berated him for two hours, telling him he was foolish and that she wasn't worth the risk. Over and over Chase reiterated that she was, that this wasn't a mindless mission because her health was at risk, and that he would do anything for her just to make her happy. Eventually she gave in, told him thank you, and promised that if he ever did anything like this again that there would be hell to pay.

Ever since then, things had been so much better. Gert's anxiety was under control and they were living in permanent bliss, just like they were right now.

"Chase?"

"Yeah, babe?"

Gert looked up at him, pausing for a second, as if she was finding the right words or the courage to speak.

"I love you."

I know, Chase thought. But this wasn't the time for a Star Wars reference.

Gert was the first to say it. THIS was huge.

He smiled at her and kissed the tip of her nose.

"I love you too."

*******

Yours was the first face that I saw / I think I was blind before I met you

Gert and Chase had met for the first time when they were four. Wide-eyed and overall clad, with light up sneakers and pigtails. They grew up together, going through every awkward stage together. Best friends forever. They had the greatest group of friends and they had each other. Every heartbreak, every serious injury, every life event. All the school concerts, the sports games, school plays. They lived through it all side by side. When Amy died, they drifted apart, but it didn't take long for them to find another again, but then unthinkable happened. Their parents were murderers, one thing lead to another, and soon they found themselves on the run.

But they weren't alone.

Gert had Chase and Chase had Gert.

They had loved one another since they were little, but those childhood crushes had blossomed into a full blown relationship. A very serious relationship. They said I love you for the first time naked in their bed after mind blowing sex. Nothing about them was conventional. At the time, they literally lived in an underground mansion that could collapse at any time. Normal didn’t exist anymore.

Being in such close quarters for so long intensified their relationship. They fought hard, but loved harder. Every day brought a new milestone for them. Things were moving fast.

The night Gert almost died changed everything for them. It happened during the final battle between their parents. They had just defeated Jonah when he had one final punch left, targeting Gert with his wrath. Karolina was caught off guard, and came to Gert’s defense too soon. She still blames herself today, even though Gert is very much alive and healthy. Nico healed her after everything had finally ended. Chase kissed her harder than he ever had in his life as she came back to him in his arms.

None of it seemed real. Jonah was gone, Gibborim was done with, and their never ending nightmare was over.

They were free to live normal lives again, if they even knew what that meant. Living on the run changes you as a person and their perception of life had changed so much over time. Freedom felt like a blessing and a curse. They had to learn how to live again.

For Chase, he knew what he had to do almost immediately. Just the thought of living life without Gert shocked him into overdrive. He proposed outside the hostel with one of Nico's old rings, and promised her he'd get a better one eventually. She accepted and said he didn't have to, that she would've accepted a ring pop.

They vowed to enroll at school (because they had already gotten their GEDS since they never graduated) and get jobs before the wedding. After they both got accepted to their dream schools, they used their savings to buy a home and got stable jobs (Gert worked as a receptionist, Chase surprisingly got a job as a nanny - kids really took to him.)

They got married at the end of summer.  It was a very intimate wedding and they only invited the core group. Old Lace was their flower girl, at Chase's request. Molly was the maid of honor, and Nico was the officiant. She swears she didn't ,but she cried the whole time. They spent their honeymoon at home, deciding that they had already spent so much time away and that they would rather spend an entire week off of school and work eating bad food and watching TV, with lots of sex in between.

Years went by and things slowly but surely got back to normal. Gert and Chase got into a good daily routine, and no matter how busy their days are, they always make time for each other. They still live in the small house they bought straight out of the hostel in Los Angeles. They’re as in love as they were when they were teens. Old Lace still lives in the basement. They have a cat now and her name is Jane. Both having graduated from college, they now have steady jobs, and they’re both doing the things they love. Chase is a science teacher and Gert works as a mental health counselor. She never imagined herself as one but life lead her there, and she loves helping people who are experiencing the same thing she still lives through every day. Who would’ve thought Gert and Chase would’ve ended up being so content? Life seemed so dark and pointless for the two for so long. They imagined they’d be on the run forever. Now they’re here, living their dreams, loving each other day in and day out. They’re in their late twenties and they’re happy. Everything is great. That, is until, Gert realizes she is late. Very, very late. Work had gotten so hectic lately, and it was the holiday season, so when she wasn’t working she was Christmas shopping, or at a Christmas party. She had lost track of time. It was a week before Christmas when she bought a pregnancy test and the results weren’t surprising: A big fat positive. She took four more to make sure, and yep, she was very much pregnant. Right before Chase got home that day, she vomited twice, and she wasn’t sure if that was pregnancy induced sickness or just nerves - or both. They had talked about having children recently and they were both on board with having at least one. Chase loved kids and wanted to be a father, very much so. Gert wanted to be a mom, but anxieties and fears ate away at her whenever she was faced with questions about having her own children. She didn’t want to ruin her kid’s life the way her parents had destroyed her own. It was a topic brought up a lot in her own therapy sessions. That night, Gert sat Chase down and showed him all five tests. He cried, of course, overjoyed with the idea of finally having a kid of his own. He kissed Gert so much that night, and there was much sex that was had. The next day they called Karolina and Nico, who were surprised but couldn’t wait to be the best gay aunts to their future niece or nephew. Alex was next, who started sobbing on the phone when he found out, which surprised Gert. Alex and Chase had gotten extremely close over time, and they were best bros now. He couldn’t wait to be an uncle. Molly found out over their weekly family dinner, and she was so happy. Gert was scared to tell her, since they were both so close and she didn’t want her to feel replaced or jealous, but she was genuinely happy for them. The pregnancy went as smooth as possible and Gert felt really lucky. Her morning sickness wasn’t terrible and there were no complications. They found out early on that they were having a girl, which they were both happy about. Chase couldn’t wait to have four girls in the house: Gert, Old Lace, Jane the cat, and the baby. He was glad to be seemingly outnumbered for life. Of course, since Gert’s pregnancy went so well, that meant her impending labor was cursed. At least that’s what she told herself. And oh man, was she right. She went into labor early, during a session, because of course. Her water broke all over her patient’s shoes. She was MORTIFIED. Chase was at work, teaching summer school classes, and had to leave during their big exam. Gert was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, which she HATED. She kept screaming about how blown out of proportion this was, how it wasn’t necessary, how she could have driven herself, and so on. When she got to the hospital, she spent the first few hours of labor alone, because Chase got stuck in terrible LA traffic. He ran into her room completely frazzled, his hair everywhere, tie undone. Thankfully he didn’t miss much. Gert was in labor for over 24 hours, because being just like her mother, their baby had to make her first appearance a dramatic one.   When finally she came into the world, she had a wild set of lungs on her and a shit ton of hair. She looked like the perfect mixture of the two of them; Gert hoped she would have Chase’s dimples. They named her Katherine Elizabeth, simply because they liked the name. She’s a few hours old now, and Gert is getting some well deserved sleep in her hospital bed. Chase, on the other hand, is sat in the chair next to her bed, holding his daughter. This is a moment he thought would never come. For a while, when he was a teen, he swore off having children. There was no way he would be a father after the way his own raised him. The emotional and physical scars Victor Stein left behind were lifelong markers he would never get rid of, but he did his best to move past them. When he and Molly got closer in the hostel, he realized how well he worked with kids and that he was nothing like his father. He was the complete opposite. He was a nanny during college to two amazing children and went to school to become a teacher. If you can’t tell, he really likes kids. His ingrained fears of fatherhood came back to haunt him around Gert’s 8th month of pregnancy. He didn’t sleep well for weeks and when he did he would have nightmares. One night Gert found him wide awake on the couch at 3 am. She had woken up to pee and heard the sounds of Friends coming from the living room. Sitting next to him, she waited patiently for him to open up to her about whatever was troubling him, because he wasn’t the type to be up at 3 am on a Sunday (or on any day for that matter.) Chase finally admitted to Gert that he was scared, and she told him she was too. Many tears were shed and they agreed everything would be okay because they had each other. Like always. He doesn’t remember the last time he and Gert didn’t sleep in the same bed. They had quite literally been inseparable since the day they got together. But right now, he just can’t seem to tear himself away from the little angel sleeping in his arms. The tiny human they had both created. So now he sits in this not so comfy chair, in clothes that reek of sweat. He hasn’t slept in days. It’s okay though, because right now, none of that matters. He’d catch up on sleep another day.