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the-blog-of-a-bipolar-autistic · 6 months

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I forgot to upload yesterday :P

4-6-2024

My boyfriend and I have been talking and he agrees that even if we have the money right now, I should wait to see what insurance can do with the walker. I highly doubt much will come from my upcoming appointment. I'm only 20 and my insurance is laughably awful at helping me. My insurance is only good for prescription prices. My abilify off of insurance is like-- 3,000 dollars apparently.. well every time I buy it it says I saved like 3,000 dollars so maybe I'm not getting it because a google search shows it can be up to 100 for a 30 day supply (I get a 90 day supply). I take lamatrogine and ariprizole (abilify) for my Bipolar. Lamatrogine is used to treat the depression aspect of bipolar (it's a medication also used for epilespy and seizures) and ariprizole is just.. well, for bipolar. Ariprizole is also an antipsychotic medication which for some reason has not helped with my delusions. Skip this next paragraph if your delusions/hallucinations are easily influenced. While I won't go into detail about what my delusions are for safety reasons I will explain one of them. Eyes and cameras. It has been going on since I was younger. I think there is constantly an audience watching me. Sometimes it's fine and I act like it's some dumb show but other times it can get incredibly overwhelming. I usually just ride it out until the feeling and paranoia goes away but sometimes it doesn't go away for days. My boyfriend does his best to help me, he tells me it isn't real and my life is too boring for anyone to watch anyways (I told him to tell me that in a past conversation) but it doesn't matter. My delusions make my life a slice of life show and it gets really irritating.

Delusion talk over for the rest of this post Random thought but I realized I am only ableist to myself. While others are allowed to need accommodations and take frequent breaks, I don't allow it for myself. I would rather stand in the kitchen cooking in agonizing pain then dare take a chair up to the stove while I cook. I don't understand why my brain refuses to let me accept these accommodations. I guess I just really hate the idea that my body is not as healthy as it used to be. I remember one time in middle school my friends and I went to the Rollerena (our roller skating place.) We decided to walk to McDonalds after which according to google is, at longest, a 22 minute mile long walk. In this memory I don't remember being in too much pain. It hurt a normal amount for someone who was just roller skating their little heart out then went on a half an hour mile long walk.

I don't know what happened. I don't have any memories of any accidents after wards? My legs have just been slowly getting worse and worse. My boyfriend is convinced that in my future I will be a partial wheelchair user. I wouldn't be opposed to it but it still sucks. I know there are people younger who are partial wheelchair users and that is completely valid and I am glad they have a support system where they are able to do that. When you see other people in wheelchairs you rarely ever think about being the one in the wheelchair. At least I never did but now it's happening and it's scary. I am losing the ability to walk without assistance. When I was younger and looking at American Girl dolls I wanted a "Truly Me", which I never got because American Girl Dolls were too expensive for our poverty-stricken family. I always had a weird way of wanting my doll, I wanted it to have braces, glasses, and a wheelchair? I joked in the past that my Truly Me doll was coming to life after I got braces then glasses, but now it's getting eerie. I imagine if younger me could design the doll using the website it would look something like this (+ a wheelchair)

My entire child hood I begged for that doll but my parents never understood why I wanted 3 things I didn't have at the time. I guess little me knew that somehow I would be needing them eventually. I always worried I would be in a wheelchair due to a broken leg but my fears are starting to subside with the realization of my diminishing leg health. Onto the topic of my mental health, it is also declining. My family is moving out of the house we have had for the past 10 or so years. I have to pack up a box of things I won't need for a while and sell some things so I have enough money to move out and, hopefully, stay at my boyfriend's family's house for a while. While doing so yesterday, I broke down sobbing in front of my boyfriend. I understand I am 20 and it's time to move out but it is coming so quick and uncontrollably. I was always imagining I would be moving out when I was ready, when I had a job and enough money to move out, but it seems that isn't the case. Yes I am 20 and do not have a job. I have never had a job. I am desperately searching for one but it is getting me no where. I got 1 interview in the past 2 years of me applying places. It sucks. They never called me back. I almost got an interview at the coffee shop up the road of my (soon to be old) house but I missed the interview window twice. Once because I was out of town and the other because my stupid phone never gave me a notification that the manager texted me back. On top of being unable to find a job I am worried about my ability to work a job. I am autistic and need people to bluntly explain what I am supposed to do and, like I have been rambling about for the past several paragraphs, my legs are shit. I am so scared of being in extreme pain while trying to work with customers.

Anyways, back to my family moving out. The reason they are moving is because my mom got a job in another city and over the past year due to a contract they have been paying for her apartment. Unfortunately for me, that contract only lasted a year. My mom wasn't even going to take the job due to it being so far away (2 1/5 hour drive) and us not having the money or notice to move out so suddenly. We even got the house reappraised because we were so accepting that we were going to be living in this house for longer. Unfortunately the company told my mom they would pay for her apartment in a year and my mom quickly accepted. While I'm happy for her, she is finally a manager at the store she has been working at since I was around 7, I am also really upset. We had made the plans to stay and over night I was being told that in a year we were selling the house and I would need to either move with them 2 1/2 hours away from a place I grew so accustomed to or move out entirely. I have been trying to downsize. Sell books, plushies, clothes, and other miscellaneous items. Throw away things that are unsalvageable. Figure out what to do with most of my items. I know it sounds easy but I have grown an attachment to most of my things. I am selling a whole trash bag of plushies including my long hello kitty plush and a my melody one. For clarification the hello kitty looks something like this. (My image)

My boyfriend hates it and I got it in 2020 so It lost it's funniness. The my melody also look like this (also my image)

I know it sucks because Sanrio is just a comfort for me but both are not my favourite characters (I prefer Cinnamoroll) and I need the money. I am planning on selling them soon along with several others. I am going to miss all of my plushies but I am keeping several. I am planning on selling them on Facebook market place, mainly because I don't want to deal with shipping so I'll sell to people in my area. I had to throw out my big hello kitty mermaid plush because it had a giant hole in the neck :( She was my favourite out of them all and now she is going to end up in some dumpster somewhere. I would've sewn her up and sold her but the hole was in such an inconvenient spot that it would tear in a single toss on the bed. I am having a conversation on what to do with my, I have them ironically I swear, body pillows. When I show you my biggest one you will understand that they are completely Ironic. I have decided to keep this one

Yes I have an Anthony Hopkins body pillow. My step-sibling got it for me as a joke Christmas gift. I think it's the best pillow I have ever owned. It's the funniest shit inviting friends over for the first time and seeing their reaction to a random old man on a pillow in my bed. ANYWAYS I broke down sobbing yesterday because I had to pack up things. Everything is moving so fast and everything is a lot. I have to go back today and do more but I am so scared. I know I'm going to cry more. It sucks. I don't like getting rid of things. Anyways I'll wrap this up here. I am kind of breaking down a bit just thinking of it. I am going to go over to my house soon and pack up my things.

#mental health blog #medical blog #blog #disabled

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tuwam · 6 years

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spill.

‘all i’m saying is, whoever they are, they’re probably real fuckin’ tired of you tae.’ “what makes you say that?”

( the soulmate au where your soulmate feels your physical pain from the moment you’re born, ft. taeshik @rosaeau )

taeyang says it like he doesn’t know, like he hasn’t heard it a million times. even now, he’s wrapping gauge around his right ankle, injured not because of dancing but because of his clumsiness. a running accident, a run to get to the studio because he was late. a run that turned into a tumble, and a trampling over materials and onto the stage but into a fit of pain. the doctors had a field day when they’d heard.

because taeyang was clumsy. extremely clumsy, where it was not only laughable but a tad concerning. concerning to where people asked him all the time how he made it as a dancer with his penchant for accidents. broken bones were scarce but sprains, strains, popped sockets and bruises were common.

‘your head’s in the clouds too much’ his mother would say.’ you dream too much of your soulmate, other people would say.

because that’s the kind of world they lived in. the kind where someone’s soulmate felt any pain, identical to their own from the moment they’re born. identical and of the same magnitude, at the same time and in the same spot. for someone as accident-prone as taeyang who’s had bruises and spills since he was a child, his mother would say how she felt for his soulmate. taeyang would just smile as the bruises were tended to and he was patched up over and over. it’s no wonder he’s decided to intern as a nurse.

the pain part was tricky enough, the magnitude increases the closer the soulmates are. the scars even appear and disappear the closer the soulmates are. that’s it though. other than that there are no surefire ways to figure out who your soulmate is other than dumb luck. taeyang’s only dumb luck has been that he hasn’t suffered a serious fall in the past weeks training for this show. that and the free gift card he’s managed to swindle off the fall raffle.

he puts the final touches on the bandages, placing a kiss to his fingers that soon reaches the hasty arrangement. an apology of sorts. he nudges han like he always does, smiling toothily like the pain doesn’t affect him, like he doesn’t take the words to heart.

‘go easy on that ankle, some poor soul is limpin’ around and not for the right reason.’ “ha ha very funny.”

he ignores han’s smug grin and finishes stretching for the day, grabs his bag and heads out the theater.

taeyang’s wondered about his soulmate considering them to either be countries apart or considers them to be a very careful person. other than the pain he’s felt in his childhood, probably from his soulmate being just as rambunctious as him, he’s had no indication, no clue as to who his soulmate is and what they might do.

some people have cute stories, stories about how they ran into the same door and recoiled at the same time. stories on how they pricked their finger on paper in kindergarten and the person next to them got the same cut. hospitals tend to hear the funnier ones, about how boys will experience feminine pains and are subsequently brought in only to be told their soulmate is just reaching their age. men being brought in on wheelchairs beside their wives who are in labor. women in labor with their husbands who feel no pain at all.

not as funny but interesting nonetheless.

his mother? rambunctious as she was, went to a concert and hollered so much she lost her voice, the next day another kid in her lecture class had lost his voice. it was presentation day, hard for them not to notice one another. his dance teacher? easy. a sprain on-stage and an admirer in the audience subsequently yelped the minute it happened.

taeyang’s surrounded by the stories, the proof of it happening. even days like this he hears han curse to himself, apparently his soulmate’s close and a rather heavy drinker because the morning headaches have been killing him. taeyang thinks that’s why han’s been dancing without stretching lately, a form of subtle torture. it’s annoying but kind of endearing, the unspoken relationship people have with someone they haven’t met.

taeyang has nothing to go by and so even as people tease him about his own clumsiness he often thinks, maybe they don’t exist. he likes to think it, just to save himself the silent apologies before he goes to bed. or the small kisses he gives himself after each and every bruise.

it also makes things a bit easier. gentler. bruises and all.

“another sprain?” ‘not quite, your soulmate’s a busy one though.’ “too busy.” ‘if they stay off it, it should heal. here’s some pain-killers and an ice pack.’ “i’m fully stocked, thanks for seeing me though doc.” ‘no problem. just a minor roll, nothing major.’

‘another sprain tae?’

he’s too used to this, or rather, everyone around him is too used to this. even in his scrubs the gentle limp he walks into the hospital lobby with gives him away. he gets a few snickers from the nurse assistants at the check-in desk before suji is on him, inspecting and questioning.

suji’s another success story ( taeyang thinks he’s surrounded by too many ). suji met her soulmate, ironically while administering a shot to a patient. aside from the fact that the man was fawning over her when she stepped in, one pinch from the needle and suji was so startled that she shrieked and yanked it out right away. the man was fine and after several apologies and checkups to make sure nothing entered where it shouldn’t - he asked her out on a date. the rest is history.

so of course the first thing she’ll do is question him on the soulmate thing.

“hey suji --- not a sprain but I rolled it this morning headed to practice.” she’s still bent over, lifting at his slacks to inspect the handiwork. ‘damn, will it affect your performance?’ the concern comes first, him and suji having been co-workers for a while now. he gives her a smile, a little awkward because he knows what’s coming. also because she’s still fidgeting with his pants leg in the middle of the nurse quarters. “should heal before opening night.”

‘hm. so what’s that - third sprain in the past six months?’ taeyang groans and promptly makes his way out the quarters and to his rounds. ‘when your soulmate meets you, they’re going to skin you.’ “doc’s going to skin you if you don’t attend to your final rounds.”

he spends the rest of his day grumbling to himself. about how he hopes the sprain doesn’t affect his soulmate’s performance, whoever they are and with whatever they do. how maybe he doesn’t have a soulmate and he shouldn’t even care. about how he wished everyone would stop commenting on it like he does this on purpose and maybe not having one would someone make it better to bear.

it doesn’t help. however, the breaks suji gives him to ice his leg, and the ride in the wheelchairs make him feel a bit better.

‘i swear this asshole’s got it out for me.’ han says the minute he walks into taeyang’s apartment. tae’s got his ankle elevated, and iced properly. the great british bake-off is on the television and he’s got a tub of ice cream to accompany him. han takes on look at him and whatever he’s about to say leaves in favor of him chugging another tub into the couch.

“i love you.”

not being able to dance much makes him antsy, so he spends the time he would be practicing extra, bingeing shows. their instructor has long since kicked him out the studio because he mopes around so much.

‘you’ll get a stomach-ache shoveling that ice cream.’ “don’t care.” because he knows where this is going and he’s glad han didn’t mention anything about the soul-who-mate and the bond-whatever-thing. “who’s got it out for you other than teacher kim?”

‘my fuckin’ soulmate.’ said after han’s grabbed a spoon and lounged beside his friend. taeyang holds the tub over, eyes never leaving the screen and keeps it steady while his friend digs a big scoop into it. the great thing about breaks is the diet can break and their instructor will never know.

‘swear this kid has an issue, it’s not even eleven and my head’s already spinning, teacher kim let me leave practice early.’ han’s legs are up, underneath taeyang’s for support, but up nonetheless. “remember that night you were throwing up for two hours? maybe this is payback.” taeyang doesn’t know why he’s entertaining the conversation but he might as well. it’s his silent payback for all he endures from his friends and colleagues. doesn’t feel too good but he manages a smug grin after he says it, especially when han’s shoving at his side, light but with good measure. ‘i’ll pay him back when i kick his ass.’

there’s a sentiment.

“yeah yeah.” so they go back to eating.

taeyang’s been off his ankle, well his feet, and trying to stay in good spirits. the theater keeps him banned unless there’s changes to his positioning, and the hospital keeps him front desk and off rounds. can’t have a nurse doing rounds in a wheelchair is what they said.

so he’s sitting there, twiddling his fingers around, checking in and filing paperwork. it passes time, time he would prefer not surrounded by new nurses hoping to get their love story with their soulmate at the hospital. he’s got an hour until he’s off and ready to shovel another tub of ice cream. his stomach’s been surprisingly resilient.

he’s handing back papers when it happens.

and taeyang, like in all the stories he’s heard, yelps. yelps instantly and in a way that causes the water to topple onto him and the patient he’s handing the papers to. if he weren’t too busy examining his fingers he’d attend to them, but suji’s already doing so. apologizing in his place and eyeing him like he’d grown a head.

'tae what’s wrong?’ suji is at his side asking after following him to the back. “my hands------.” taeyang - who already bruises easily, is eyeing both of his hands that are currently on fire. literally, they feel like they’re burning and not the kind he’s used to when he’s been pulling stunts for hours. fire like they’ve been dipped in hot water. “they’re burning.” they’re shaking and suji’s quick to hold them over the faucet. her hands are quick, as are her questions. ‘think you were exposed to anything?’ “no, i was front desk all day.” ‘did you spill any coffee when you handed those papers back?’ “you know I don’t drink coffee.”

he doesn’t mean to snap, the pain’s fading anyway. as quick as it hit him, it’s starting to dull into a slight ache. suji’s still giving him the same look, some concern still present but now it’s merely confusion.

taeyang’s shift ends around 4:00pm that day, but he gets more and more shocks like this throughout the afternoon and into the night. the same quick burn, though not as painful, always as annoying and switching from his hands to his wrists to even his thighs. han is laughing with every yelp and curse.

‘guess this is their payback.’ taeyang’s busy wrapping a wet cold rag around his hands and balling it into a fist. it’s soothing for now and he has a feeling he needs to buy some aloe tomorrow. he focused on the sensation that he almost doesn’t hear han, almost doesn’t want to.

but there’s no other explanation for this. and even as he scowls, elbow propped on the kitchen counter, a part of his chest leaps in relief.

‘you look dead inside.’ “leave me alone han.”

it was cute the first few days. it’s been a few weeks and now it’s getting old. the pain that is. taeyang’s more or less used to it. the time periods fluctuated but now they happen for about seven to eight hours, midday. they’re not as long anymore, still as painful. taeyang cannot being to imagine what his soulmate does. doesn’t want to. he just wants to stop the sharp pain that’s been attacking him. the same pain that’s heightened whenever he’s at the hospital and surprisingly enough, he’s at the hospital more for as long as this injury persists.

so he just sits at the front desk jumping in his seat each time.

han’s paying him a visit on one of his rare off-days. really he’s slacking off to rub this in his face.

‘just think, you and your soulmate have never been closer.’ ‘people would kill to be this close to their soulmate.’ suji pipes in, she’s been bandaging and re-bandaging his fingers. taeyang bruises easily so he can recognize the telltale signs of a burn. not serious just annoying.

just what the heck-a-doodle does his soulmate do?

‘maybe he’s a welder, or a blacksmith? that’s hot.’ “shut-up han.” ‘maybe he’s a firefighter, that’s hotter.’ taeyang makes to flick him from over the counter and suji is quick to hold both hands down and firm in her lap. ‘maybe taeyang won’t kill you in your sleep, shut up han.’ han just slides himself along the counter, cheek pressed to what’s supposed to be the most sanitized area in the most sanitized building. taeyang scowls, and suji mirrors him. ‘he’d be doing me a favor these headaches -’ “aren’t strong enough because you’re still talking.” he gets a look, one that can only meet his cheeks puffed and red because he’s had enough of han’s teasing, enough of these damn burns and enough of the soulmate talk. ‘ooooh, soulmate-bound taeyang is feisty. i like this you better can I call dibs and tell your soulmate I saw you first?’ this time taeyang really does flick his forehead, would’ve made to strangle him but he gets another burn and sits himself right back down.

‘paybaaaack.’ han sings on his way down the hall. taeyang - childish and a little fed up is on his way after him.

‘oh, you’re back! soulmate sprain again?’ ( “come back here han!” ) “no, got a few burns, just wanna make sure they’re not serious.” ( ‘testy! testy! doth your soulmate know you're chasing after other men!’ ) ‘they don’t look serious just from here, but I can set you up for a quick check?’ ( “you won’t worry about those headache when you’re six feet under!” ) ‘seems my uh - assistant nurse is busy so I can take you back and take a look.’ “that works, i’ve got to head back to work real soon.” ( ‘you can’t threaten me in a hospital that’s contradicting!’ ) ‘sure thing, give me one second.’ ( “at least people here can help you after I’m done with you!” ) ‘TAE COME WATCH THE FRONT!’

tae’s back, han’s head snug under his arm. he bows sheepishly and quickly to the patient while taking suji’s spot in the chair. ‘behave.’ is all she says and taeyang simply nods, han once again leaning against the counter, whistling like before. taeyang doesn’t pay attention to whoever suji leads to the back, knowing he couldn’t perform a checkup with his fingers like this either way.

“okay but what if he was a firefighter.” he tosses a pen at han and calls it a day.

as the bruises start to diminish, taeyang’s much more careful on his feet as the opening night approaches. he’s put too much in this to injure himself, even accidentally.

( and even if he won’t admit it, the actual confirmation of a soulmate has him a little wary. he could be spiteful in thought but now that he knew, in hindsight he felt bad for all the pain caused from his clumsiness. )

they’ve been rehearsing positioning for hours this past week and this has been one of those accidental all-nighter days. han’s soulmate has apparently been showing him mercy and taeyang hasn’t had a burn in about a month. their teacher however, has increased practice time and taeyang has to make up for time missed. this means nights slept in the studio and fatigue that almost has suji sending him home.

‘time to cash out that gift card!’ han’s slipping a surprisingly energetic arm around taeyang’s neck. the one thing almost knocking him over and the one thing preventing him from keeling over. it’s support like this, and the rush he’s anticipating opening night, that keeps him going. not coffee. taeyang’s not a coffee drinker, hence why he hasn’t sought out the place this gift card belongs to. with his schedule he knows he’ll grow far too accustomed and addicted to the effect of the caffeine, he’d rather tough it out. he’ll indulge in a chai tea but that’s it.

han’s not relenting though and somewhere along the walk, suji’s joined them.

‘you two are the literal walking dead.’ she merely gets a hum, both thankful that the walk to the coffee shop is surprisingly short. figures the gift was to a place that the nurses probably frequented.

it’s cozy, wooden counters but marble flooring, lights up to indicate the coming seasons and chalkboards announcing specials and in-house flavors. coffee shops are tempting.

han’s bounding to the cashier and taeyang and suji walk side by side, suji supporting him with her arm tucked in his.

‘maybe stop overworking yourself yeah?’ said with a small nudge and the only smile taeyang can muster. ‘hey big guy, cough up the card.’ his response is cut short by han yanking him to the front. taeyang’s still processing, the warmth of the shop, of his friends and the few minutes of freedom they have. he looks up and though the eyes don’t quite convey warmth, his chest curls regardless.

because this barista is handsome, a little too handsome. it feels like a set-up. the look he’s getting however, shows that he’s staring a being a little weird. typical.

“hello.” the misplaced greeting, followed by the brow he gets doesn’t help. han smacking his back definitely doesn’t help. ‘what can I get you?’ “o-oh I don’t drink coffee.” ‘this is a coffee shop, you’re aware?’ taeyang’s glad the only ones in the shop are the cashier and his one co-worker, and his friends even if he’s ready to kick them out if they snicker anymore. he feels his cheeks heat up with each passing minute. which is normal, he’s always like this in front of a handsome man, just hwy now when he’s tired as hell and dizzy off good vibes. he can’t think straight but the look he’s getting is telling him he better think or get out. he pulls himself together as hastily as he can. “yes i’m ordering for three. well for them, but mine won’t be coffee - they’ll order and I’ll take whatever’s sweet that isn’t coffee?” he holds the card out, and han supplies right away, ‘he’ll take you he means.’ if taeyang didn’t want to get out of there so fast, he would’ve strangled han immediately. instead he refuses to meet the barista’s eye and holds out the card, satisfied when it leaves his fingers. ‘han let him live.’ suji’s rubbing at his back while han mouths his order enthusiastically. taeyang is busy rushing towards the pick-up area, ignoring han’s attempts to soften the embarrassment and smother him in hugs.

‘ah don’t worry,’ ( ‘oh, you work here?.’ ) ‘at least your soulmate will find the blubbering cute. hopefully.’ “let’s just get your drinks and go.” ( “it’s the only way I could pop over there during my shift.” ) ‘be patient, mr. handsome is making you something sweet.’ ( ‘well that explains the burns.’ ) taeyang is close, too close to strangling han this time, but he’s bounding over to get the drinks. suji’s making her way over as well, opting for a black coffee instead so she’s already got her drink.

‘wow he knows you too well.’ taeyang decides to ignore the comment as he reaches for the drink, ignoring that there’s a be careful written neatly on the side. his cheeks heat up effectively at that. “did you guys tell him i’m clumsy?” he’s defensive and it could just be the fatigue. ‘no, though he was talking with suji just now.’ taeyang fixes her with a look and she throws her hands up. “fine.” taeyang reaches for the drink, ready to warm up and run out.

‘you’re going to need a slip for that.’ maybe it’s the proximity of the voice, right above his head. maybe it’s that it’s not han or suji and the last time he checked those were the only two beside him. maybe it’s because when he whips his head up, he’s not expecting the cashier, maybe another co-worker but not him, calculating gaze and all. maybe it’s the fact that the universe isn’t quite done with him for the day. but taeyang’s halfway into picking up the drink, both hands fasten, when the voice makes him a tad too jelly in his belly, he startles and the contents spill over the top and all over his hands.

he’s far too used to the feeling, but it stills has him dropping the cup abruptly, causing more to spill right in his direction and on the floor. taeyang yelps, as he’s done for the past month and a half. he doesn’t expect the hiss he hears as he jumps back.

despite the lack of people in the coffee shop, it’s quieter than before. taeyang stills, han and suji are no longer laughing and he knows - knows their eyes are on him. just as he knows the cashier’s are as well.

he’s scared to look up. scared to move. he knows his face is as red hot as his hands feels.

‘no way.’ han’s comment makes it inevitable. because there’s no way, but he has to check.

he has to.

he uses what willpower he has left in him and looks up.

sure enough the cashier is shaking out his hand face turned up in a mixture of annoyance and pain. taeyang knows the expression too well. but he’s not too sure, how can he be sure that it was him. he’s staring again he knows it. but the words won’t come.

at that moment the cashier crosses his arms, gaze never leaving taeyang’s, and pinches right above his palm. taeyang yelps again, because for him, that’s the spot where the tea just spilled, sensitive and a little red. barista boy doesn’t yelp at all, though he does hiss a bit, the same hiss he’d heard earlier. and taeyang’s suspicions are confirmed.

and he’s rendered silent again. for less than obvious reasons. not the fact that his soulmate - his soulmate because this man is his soulmate he’d just proved it! but his soulmate - is gorgeous one, and is staring him down right after he’d made a fool of himself. mind the fact that taeyang’s first impression was him embarrassing himself.

what does one even say in this situation? right now he’s wishing han didn’t choose now to be so silent. he could use the embarrassing lines to break the ice.

the cashier beats him to it.

‘you’re the one who keeps falling everywhere he steps.’ “i’m so-so sorry about that.” is all taeyang manages, partially because he anticipated this response. because everything everyone told him is coming to fruition. because he’s sure this man is about to give him an earful about how much he’s suffered. and for some reason, taeyang can’t bear it.

so he bolts.

right out the door. out of his soulmate’s sight.

‘sweetie i head you found them!’ “grhghh.” ‘suji told me he’s very handsome!’ “hmnnhng” ‘what’s their name, you exchanged numbers right!’ “hgghshhshssgghfg.”

that’s how he’s been the past few days. huddled in his room studying, huddled in the back of the nurse’s quarters doing paperwork, or huddled far beside their dance instructor so han can’t bother him.

it’s a lot of things. the embarrassment. the crippling realization that he does have a soulmate. and...the embarrassment.

‘i think this is the safest I’ve ever seen him su.’ ‘i’d prefer if he was bouncing off the walls.’

taeyang ignores them and continues. it’s not just because of his soulmate, he has a show coming up, he’d rather not screw up performance chances on his own clumsiness. ( but yes it has a little to do with his soulmate - the barista - who happens to be his soulmate. )

‘oh, han look who’s here. tae’s been really careful so it can’t be an injury?’ “i’m assuming he’s never this careful?” ‘well, we have a showcase coming up. but even so - this is new.’ ‘he’s just being a little baby about everything don’t mind him.’ ‘just waltz over to him, he won’t know what hit him.’ ‘han.’ ‘seriously, he’s been wrecking him brain about how to speak to you.’ ‘han.’

taeyang’s mopping by the back entrance doors, as far out of earshot as his gossiping friends as well. all they’re going to talk about is how he won’t man up and how uncharacteristically careful he’s being, so he’d rather not be there. rather not face what he doesn’t have not.

‘there you are.’ his muscles should really just prepare for this clumsiness at this point, and have procedures in place. for times like now when he’s so startles he steps back into where he just mopped and feels himself losing balance.

the hand that graces his back and hand is brief but it steadies him. steadies him enough to get a good look at who he’s dealing with, who he’s talking to.

‘don’t you have a showcase or something, shouldn’t you be more careful?’ to that taeyang just blinks. too many questions. how’d he get here? how’d he find him? was he looking for him? why he’s getting scolded, if this was even a scolding?

“our recent show, opens in a week.” ‘so - acting? singing?’ “dancing.” ‘that explains it.’ the look of realization, and the silent oh has taeyang’s face heating up again. he wants to bolt again but the man’s standing in front of the only exit. ‘you look like you’re about to bolt again.’ “no, i’m strategically planning my safe but swift escape.” ‘when do you get off?’ “what - I - in about three hours.” now he’s really planning his escape, eyes flitting from the possible exits and maneuvers he could do around the male and the still drying floor. ‘wait here. when you’re unsupervised you make messes. i’m tired of limping around work and I don’t feel like another stomachache because you stuff yourself when you can’t perform. so where you go, when i’m off. i’ll go.’ “I don’t need a babysitter.” taeyang is indignant, and a little unafraid to show it. ‘i’m not charging you, though I should. think of me as a manager.’ “not sure this an appropriate relationship.” ‘wasn’t aware we were dating.’ that turns taeyang’s cheeks a color he can feel. and has him looking the man in the eye fully for the first time.

he notes a few things, that he’s still in his work uniform with his nametag still on. that his name is hyunshik and he’s probably a few centimeters shorter than taeyang. that the presence he stands with makes up for it, and the look he gives taeyang is unwavering. not challenging but - something.

he swallows.

“i don’t like coffee.” ‘i’m not too fond of ballet.’

they stay like that for another minute before taeyang turns his entire body to face hyunshik.

“i don’t only do ballet.” ‘i don’t only make coffee.’

somewhere along the stare down and the silence, it’s becoming easy.

“i’m taeyang.” ‘i’m hyunshik.’

awkward. but easy.

‘so, three hours? i’ll bring you something so you don’t keel over like last time.’ “I didn’t keel!” though taeyang thinks he’s a little fine with hyunshik thinking that. ‘right. hot chocolate good?’ “yeah. ‘s fine.” it’s becoming easy but taeyang’s throat still closes up. cheeks still burn. and hyunshik still looks calm, smug, a little too controlled. it makes him want to hold onto the mop.

and when hyunshik does turn on his heels and taeyang supports his weight on the mop, he’s five seconds from letting his knees turn to mush when suji and han rush in and demand details.

if taeyang says he hates them when they both sit and watch him after his shift making sure he doesn’t leave, he tries not to show it. even as he sits bundled by the waiting room. even as he tries not to smile when hyushik holds out the hot chocolate he definitely has not been anticipating. taeyang’s thank you if muffled by the foam that reaches his lips. they walk nowhere in particular, though taeyang knows he could probably head home.

“were you serious?” ‘about?’ “being my manager?”

they’ve slowed down, taeyang’s always a little jittery after his shifts end and he can’t go straight to practice. hyunshik’s managed to keep his pace, also managed to keep the silence to which taeyang can’t quite hold onto.

‘i’m not really going to follow you around.’ “oh, so what are you going to do?” ‘what do people do in this situation?’ “i don’t know.”

he really doesn’t, and it’s making him a bit anxious. it’s probably noticeable because with every step that’s slowed, taeyang’s started to fidget more, play his fingers around the cup even more. what does he say, they haven’t even addressed the s-word and hyunshik is just throwing it out there. taeyang wants to meet his level of nonchalance.

but he can’t even meet his eye.

‘i don’t know either. so let’s just focus on keeping you from further injury. okay?’ “okay.”

they don’t address the s-word much that night. nor do they address it for a while.

hyunshik works consistently, diligently too as he’s stopped burning himself with coffee. taeyang does the same, with opening night becoming closer and closer and practices becoming later and later. somehow, taeyang starts to rush over with a bandaid when he feels that little sting, somehow hyunshik stops giving him a strange look even after he tells him he doesn’t need it. just how taeyang stops laughing whenever hyunshik brandishes an ice pack after particularly long nights and watches him ice it, with a determination taeyang sometimes falls asleep laughing at. somehow, taeyang manages to stay out of trouble with the company he’s acquired on walks home and walks to practice.

( somehow he’s managed to find hyunshik’s morning grumpiness appealing, morning grumpiness with his signature drink that is. just as he finds hyunshik teaching him the recipe for the hot chocolate late in the evening when the only light is the dimmed ones of the shop about to close, equally as appealing ).

somehow, when he searches the audience opening night, he knows exactly what to look for and what kind of smile to give. not to suji, holding up the giant sign with silly pictures of him and han. or to the person next to her, a recently familiar face that’s helping her hold up the sign and looking better sober past eight o’ clock. he’s not looking at them but at someone beside them, with their hat pulled a little low but only because he’s probably just got off work and the lights are starting to glare. taeyang knows exactly what smile to give.

shy, but knowing. relieved but giddy.

because hyunshik will say he’s tired of these late night rehearsals, tired of taeyang leaning against him after it all smelling of sweat and adrenaline. say he’s tired of mini heart attacks each time he sees a leap.

just as taeyang will say he’s tired of wearing band-aids. tired of the bruises blooming on his knee each time there’s a bump against the coffee grain cabinet. tired of hyunshik smelling like a coffee barn each time they walk home.

because sure they get a little tired of one another, but he gets it. and he wouldn’t trade it.

BONUS.

somewhere in the far future. ( give or take three months of pining and courting? )

‘it’s hot tae.’ they’re standing in taeyang’s kitchen, now occupied with every ingredient to make and spice up his favorite hot chocolate recipe. the only thing he states he might like more than hyunshik. might. taeyang’s reaching for the mug, a special one he’d bought off the coffee shop during their own winter raffle. he’s wrapped in a blanket because as easily as he bruises, he easily gets sick and hyunshik refuses to miss any days come christmas time.

“i know it’s hot.” he’s been dieting since their show started and today’s his only cheat day before they go back into the swing of things. hyunshik knows and agreed to a hot chocolate and s’mores night to commemorate. he’s basically indulging his boyfriend so he doesn’t whine about his dieting during the holidays. taeyang knows and he’s loving it.

just as he’s loving the smell of the hot chocolate the closer it gets.

‘tae, blow on it first.’ “it’s fineeee.”

it’s not fine and a singed tongue and lip are what he has to show for it. a two second dip in that chocolate beast and he’s recoiling, grabbing for the whipped cream and hyunshik’s taking the mug.

‘let me see you big baby.’ and taeyang’s in pain, a little pouty and clumsy with a mouthful of whipped cream but what else is new.

what’s new is the recent change in their status ( taeyang was quick to add him to his instagram page, with a coffee mug so he could be discreet ) and hyunshik’s general openness about the fact. that is, hands curled around him when he’s cocooned like this, or reaching for his face after the incident. still scowling a tad, still looking calm and a tad bit uninterested. taeyang thinks it’s just his face.

“i’m fine.” taeyang is stubborn and hyunshik cracks the first laugh of the night hands still closed over the younger’s cheeks. half is for how stubborn the younger can be after not listening to him, the other at the fact that he sprayed so much whipped cream, some still left on the same lip he’s jutting out. ‘yeah? you sure?’ “yeah, just a slight burn.” thumbs start to circle his cheeks, eyebrows start to rise and hyunshik for once is looking like the mischievous one. even as he leans in taeyang knows his legs will betray him. even as hyunshik stops when only foreheads touch and breaths cross. he smiles to himself and taeyang can already tell - ‘you’re not going to keel over are you?’ “i hate you.”

but hyunshik closes in and taeyang doesn’t care if he keels or not.

#rosaeau #au.#( i should challenge myself more while i have time but i just wanted something light first #( also hm this got long wasn't expecting that )#{ w: taeyang. }

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