#also they're not like normal religious obsessions and fears they're more about community and belonging and intruding and shit
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realizing i have religious obsessions and intrusive thoughts/fears is very much a harrowing experience. unfortunate vibes!
#op#gonna refer to it as an obsession bc it is and my therapist said i can call it that#but. one of my big obsessions is how 'valid' i am in wanting to convert and this is SOOO embarrassing to admit#because i'm convinced that this obsession means i'm a terrible terrible fucking person and it causes sm pain#i literally feel like a liar and a fake and a horrible person and i had no idea this wasn't just a character flaw that meant i'm awful#but instead is like. Mental Illness actually#it's liberating as hell to realize this doesn't mean anything and it's not a moral failing but also terrifying cause i just have to Sit#with the terror that everyone hates me and wants me to die and i deserve it because of something silly#that seems Very rational to me!! it seems so rational in my head!!!#but the moment i tell someone about it (haven't explained this one in detail bc of fear) they're like 'but that's not true'#like i KNOWWW it's not true but i'm so convinced i'm terrible because i'm a horrible evil intruder#like girl what. what does that mean#also they're not like normal religious obsessions and fears they're more about community and belonging and intruding and shit#it's weird
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