#gonna refer to it as an obsession bc it is and my therapist said i can call it that

[scoutpologist]

realizing i have religious obsessions and intrusive thoughts/fears is very much a harrowing experience. unfortunate vibes!

[fariesoiree]

im sorry but ahh Kyojuro !!!!! he literally has my heart ! he's the sweetest most precious babyy !! can you give us some hc's for modern era Kyojuro x reader who has bpd ? >< it is kinda umm difficult and tricky to write about something like this so its understandable if you ignore this >< but ah thank you for reading this ! and have a good day! <3

hi baby! ik ik i said i was gonna be mia for a few and i still ammm. i have hella hw and exams coming up but this peaked my interest a little bit. i’m gonna approach this w caution bc i do not have bpd but i know someone who does so im gonna do my best based off what ik from her. just know that you’re always safe here. everyone is, no matter what — the bpd i’m referring to is borderline personality disorder so i’m hoping you didn’t mean the other bpd 😭

kyojuro is always and has always been a super, super patient guy. it’s just a part of him that he cannot get rid of at all. you know i think of his as the perfect partner, my little golden boy.

i think that with a partner who has bpd, this is only heightened. he has to be extra patient because you both see the world (and your relationship) differently and he knows you can’t help it. there’s probably extra emphasis on open communication, no matter what. he doesn’t care what the problem is or what the conversation would lead to, communication just has to happen and it has to be thorough. you tell him how you feel and why, he takes it into consideration and responds accordingly. you’re worried he no longer cares? okay, what is making you feel this way? you think mayb this is overwhelming and you’re pulling away? he’s going to talk to you about it.

there’s also very clearly defined boundaries. it’s part of the communication aspect but it’s a whole separate thing entirely. they’re developed in the beginning in your relationship and have grown the longer you’re together and the more experiences you have. he endures your splits, knowing that you probably don’t mean it as harshly as you do but he lets you know he doesn’t appreciate the yelling. he always waits until you’re receptive to his words and holds in tongue until you’re generally calmer. this does nawt include him telling you to calm down. he’d never utter those two words a day in his life. i think he’s more likely to take his separate space away and remove himself from the situation because he has his own feelings too. he can get frustrated as well.

also therapy!!! big emphasis on therapy, but for both of you. you both go and see separate therapists. it’s necessary for both of you, regardless of what personal diagnosis either of you might have. there’s no stigma between you two. you have bpd, that’s just who you are. so what? it doesn’t define you in any way shape or form and means nothing until you, personally, decides it does. so you both go and work through your issues separately and uphold the whole privacy thing. there’s no at home conversations unless that person wants to share their own information.

i mean, the relationship is pretty normal. you still joke, you still kiss and cuddle and have intimacy the way everyone else does. he’ll still wake up in the early mornings and make breakfast, awakening you to the smell of bacon cooking in the frying pan. he’ll still shower you in gifts and constantly reassure his love and adoration. he’ll still treat you as though you’ve crafted his world by hand. i see him as being this soothing place of comfort. he doesn’t judge you and instead, validates your emotions. you’re allowed to feel however you feel. he just hopes you hear him out too.

oh oh oh! and he takes things very very slow. he knows you can get kinda . . . wrapped up??? in the feeling of love. not necessarily obsessive but he’s aware that you want to dwell in that emotion for as long as you can. he doesn’t want you to do things you otherwise wouldn’t have or even rush before reallyyyyy processing what’s happening to he takes it very slow. it’s agreed upon by both parties and he upholds that. if he says he’s going to do something, he’s going to do it. so yeah, that generally mean limiting coupley things you do before the time that you’re officially a couple. no sex or very little sex until you’re together together. until you’ve gotten each other locked DOWN.

idk, i hope this is what you wanted??? you’re right it is a very delicate topic and i’m doing my very best to tread lightly so pleaseeeee let me know if anything i said was incorrect or stigmatizing or contributing to negativity in any way. i’m always open to learn!

[starcrossed-sky]

(previous anon) thank you for the detailed answer. my knees have no cushion either! and yeah, my body does not move the way i want it to in a few ways. standing still for more than a minute or so quickly gets very painful, and the only way to mitigate it temporarily is to walk slowly or shift my weight from one foot to the other if sitting isn't an option. i have to sit when i bathe/do dishes/laundry. i've mentioned this to doctors in the past, but they just tell me to exercise more, which unfortunately is not ideal because exertion makes my base level of fatigue worse to the point where i can't keep up with my day job. i'll put a pin on seeing a physical therapist some time, though; i have been planning to look into my mobility issues for a while.

about dieting- i've always been fat, since i was a child, and i felt completely neutral about my own body. when i was a small child, it was seen as cute and a sign that my parents fed me well, but by the time i was in high school, PE class involved everyone getting their BMI measured and i was classified as obese (32 or so). ever since then, my mother has been obsessed with my weight and mentioning how worried she is for my health and how i should definitely be on a diet because i was "ballooning" (said with terror and pleading).

but i was kinda never sold on it? i have relatives who're huge into dieting and would post their gym and progress photos on facebook, but some months later i'd see them at reunions and they had already gained it all back. i even had a distant aunt whose heart gave out because she gained and lost so much weight many times throughout her life. when it came to weight loss, my stance has always been: what's the point of all that effort and expensive products/services if it's so easy to gain it back anyway? i just want my weight to be stable, not to keep going down. unfortunately, i live in southeast asia, where being fat is seen as "you're gonna have a heart attack any minute if you don't drop everything and lose weight right fucking now!!!"

if anything, the only thing that annoys me about my weight and general size/shape is that it's hard to shop for clothes and shoes in my size lol. specialized plus size stores are always more expensive, economies of scale, etc. i always gotta rely on hunting for foreign overruns or secondhand stuff since everyone's so small in my country :p

Oh god, I can't imagine trying to shop for clothes at our size (I think my BMI is also in the lower half of the 30s... not that I pay attention bc that's not what BMI was designed for) in an Asian country. It's hard enough in the US and over here, Asian sizes are notorious for "plan on buying at least one size up from your US size, probably two." I hav e enough of an interest in Asian fashion that I go looking occasionally and immediately have to laugh in pain at "size: XL waist: 112cm" type size charts. (my waist for reference is 50in/127cm)

You should definitely see a physical therapist if you can find a decent one (I have no advice for this, on account of there being an ocean between us, and also I myself have never actually used one). I only had immediate pain from standing during the worst of my Bad Hip period, but I have permanent back problems and can't stand for long periods without an assistive device (which in my case means... a heavy backpack as a counterweight. Lmao.)

Also, as far as fatigue goes, if your body is running estrogen as your primary hormone, get checked for anemia! I had horrific anemia before getting on T, and it was a definite factor in my chronic fatigue.

And, well, yeah, none of what you described with your relatives is surprising to me, as someone who has followed actual weight health science all my life as a survival need. Humans tend to vary by 5 or so pounds in either direction depending on various factors, but any weight loss of more than 10-15 lbs (please don't ask me to convert to kilos I don't have that one memorized) is like... it's medically concerning... unless the person is dieting! then it's fine!

Yeah, bullshit.

Good luck out there anon.

[meeda]

*tw disordered eating mention*

after eight months of dealing with this crap i finally opened up to my therapist about my issues with food. she said she doesn’t think I have an ed but she will refer me to an ed specialist

my weight has fluctuated so much in the last half a year and i keep losing weight and then gaining it back and then losing it again and gaining it back again. then the whole prediabetes thing happened and that didn’t help at all

my bf hid my scale but i found it and ive been secretly weighing myself multiple times a day, its an obsession now

been drinking laxative tea on and off for the past few weeks, I only stopped bc i heard it can fuck up your digestive system and doesn’t actually do anything for weight loss :/

dad has been on my case about losing weight, tells me to drink grape juice before every meal and avoid carbs like the plague so i can lose weight. idk, his hearts in the right place but it isn’t actually helping

wanna exercise more but the thing is you need energy to exercise, and food makes energy, but I don’t want food, so I have no energy, therefore I can’t exercise, which means I won’t lose weight, which means I need to starve, which means I don’t have energy, which means

eight months of this shit and what do I have to show for it? I gained another 20 lbs and a prediabetes diagnosis

Im never gonna be skinny again

[murple]

liveblog-ish pt. 2

Once again, some of these are from while I was listening, some are in retrospect. I find that typing while listening takes away from the ~full experience~

Anyways here’s my thoughts from episodes 10 - 15. spoilers, obviously.

(I forget how I formatted it last time so you’re stuck with this)

Ep 10 • Darius? DARIUS!!!! • Dont worry jared I'm just as dense as you. My friend had a crush on me for a year and almost confessed like 3 times and I never noticed • "Not trying hard enough" I'm gonna fistfight this therapist • I'm falling in love with darius by proxy • Oh god oh god camera • HELL YEAH STATIC AND GLITCHES

Ep 11 • WHAT • CASTIO?????? • OH GOD WTF • THIS IS JARED'S LAB PARTNER? THE CREDITS LADY???? • OH GOD • "Some... thing" Aghhhhhhhh • Oh god oh no oh god oh no • "Its" fuck you • Ok I'm gonna shut up and listen • Note from relisten: fuck he's being observed so much • "Creatures like those" this rules out option 1 • NO STAY AWAY FROM GROVE!!! I'm scared of dog sounds but I love him so STAY AWAY • Mr Zimmer sounds like the classic evil podcast man, like cutter • Note from relisten (bc I was too shook and angry the first time): FUCK ZIMMER • Dr rahal????? No he can't be evil too!! • "Human shell"???? • Note from relisten: this puts all the 'curse this flesh prison' in a very different light • Ok I'm gonna listen now

Ep 12 • Yup I knew they were evil therapists • Jared run away with darius. Just. Elope. • Not many notes bc I'm still reeling from ep 11

Ep 13 • IM CRYING THIS IS SO SWEET • Half of the truth is out! Congrats!! • He took that really well, but,,, oh my,,,,, the classic 'staring in horror at your loved one's scars',,,,,,, I have Emotions

Ep 14 • "Pacification of various creatures" fuck • Tbh I forgot abt this guy but he has extreme Long Term Shadowy Big Bad vibes. I feel dread about him • Yes Jamie hacker

Ep 15 • Ace mood. Pls no more details • Oh fuck did past-Jared kill Jamie's friend • I feel like my observations are highly influenced by the fact that I'm listening to this after a year long tma obsession which made me very suspicious of anything that even resembles something nice for the main character. My brain just automatically prepares for the path of deepest tragedy. Anyways I'm still convinced that Jared's past holds some pretty terrible stuff that he'll be horrified by if/when he finds out about it, including but not limited to his involvement in Jamie's friend's death. This is due to both how the blue lady said he changed so much since they last met (which ig could be referring to lots considering the whole "human shell" thing but STILL) and my "we can't have nice things" mentality • (My tone in the previous point was far too stuffy, imagine me saying all that very emotionally and distressedly like the conspiracy theorist I am) • But other than the looming dread, I'm so happy abt jared and Jamie's friendship!! Going from him thinking that he couldn't call her bc they never really talk to inviting her over to his house. Progress!!!!

• I’m completely hooked on this podcast now. Jared sounds like a Friend and I care him so much. I need him and Darius to be okay but at the same time I eagerly await the spooky horror stuff that’s bound to come next

• YIKES after the ep 11 revelation I’m so excited for the next episode,,,,, that feeling of excitement and dread and anticipation and agggghhhhh

• that rec list that said ‘here’s podcasts to fill the tma shaped hole in your heart’ wasn’t lying,,, I daresay this is better than tma. completely different vibes, but more my style (THE PROTAGONIST ACTUALLY HAS FRIENDS!!! GOD I CARE THEM SO MUCH)

• also something I haven’t really mentioned but I’m absolutely LIVING FOR is the sheer amount of queerness....... like, a canon nb protagonist??? with other nb friends???? and they actually like. Talk about gender????? (and also the whole not changing name and pronouns makes me so happy bc I also like my given name and don’t wanna change it, obviously for different reasons than jared, but it’s still nice to relate to) God it just gives me so much good happy feels, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a podcast that has so much good rep, and that’s not even starting about all the other queer relationships and how normal it all is. oh, to live in a queer small town full of cryptids.......

(also just to clarify, jared IS still using he/him, right? bc I’ve seen some fanart descriptions using they/them but I don’t remember hearing him say that he was gonna try that. maybe I missed it. I can be quite oblivious. if so, apologies, my brain decided to blank out at the wrong time and I’ll correct this post)

[hobidreams]

Not you just went wild about the chart AKSJSJSJAJJAS 🥺 well... at least my chicken brain that forgets stuff in less than 2 seconds was useful in this one! Tho don't get me wrong, I remember stuff but sometimes I feel like I have already read some details (even tho it's the first time), I haven't read some medium details, it's sometimes annoying in a comic way but I have always wanted to see if this had happened to people who suffer from any kind of OCD? (I think I may have it? After a long episode that almost had been going on for 3 years and "suddenly kind of faded" until few months ago, I decided to make some research, while I read the compulsions and types of manifestation the obsessions could have, I started remembering some small monthly-during episodes throught my entire life (mostly chilhood/early teenage years) that I categorized as irrational rational fears that caused me extreme anxiety even tho I know they are not real? but refuse to go to "online" therapy. Bruh I refused to talk in a zoom call about my feelings, irrational thoughts and the anxiety they cause me bc I just imagined myself crying while talking about my problems and my dr saying: excuse me the signal was poor, could u repeat once again what u were saying? 💀 Definitely will go to therapy when my therapist decides to do normal meetings and not on zoom). Haha... I feel like this is a secure space to talk about it, so yes, excuse me for using this ask to tell somebody about it. It's a little weird bc I know they are not real, but my mind goes "are you sure? Double check, Triple check your emotions, are you faking them rn?" And the never ending "what if...", Feeling tired after a whole sudden anxiety rush, and the fact that I have pushed away people who didn't do anything bad to me just by the simple fact my mind suddenly decided they were a trigger for a reason that my mind totally made up? But yeah *inserting "it's ok... You can laugh... It's funny" tik tok reference*

On a bright side! Yes, totally remember few days into Daechwita MV and how I stumbled into this drabble and said "wait! This is a Hobisdream drabble!" (followed you already bc I like your writting style!) and saw how people asked you for more so I was "yes bruh, we need moreeeee" in my head bc at the time I didn't know how to ask stuff to tumblr users and look where we are today, going into your tumblr notifications to see what the lovely anons are asking daily, the range is amazing, from anons getting executed as me, anons speaking bout problems, anons asking for MLT behind the scenes and 🍆 sizes... Fascinating... I could say!

UMM ofc i love the chart pls!!! 🥰💞 it is iconic. & i dont know much abt ocd so im no help there but im glad ur taking the steps to get a proper diagnosis!! i 100% understand not wanting to do online therapy bc all these online things can be so overwhelming. i hope u can talk to ur therapist soon & things go smoothly for you bb 💗 it is such a comfort to have a proper diagnosis for things that we feel on a daily basis. that confirmation is super important.

AKDJSDN yes... the frenzy that was that MV.. it was like 3am & i was typing the first like 300 words of that drabble without any idea that it would become this massive thing. hehe im glad u enjoy the content i put out! there indeed is a lot of variety here 🤣 that's what i love most abt it; i never know what im gonna get from your creative minds hahah

[gothamslimpestwrist]

s1e3 the balloonman

killcount: 

davis lamond: ronald danzer, bill cranston, dog walking lady (on accident), cardinal quinn

oswald cobblepot: mob mook who tried to sell him back to fish, dish washer @ bamonte’s

butch gilzean (offscreen, on orders from fish mooney): “natalia” (falcone’s girl), “lazlo” (fish’s lover)

episode total: 8 total count: 20

the dark knight rises: lots. this is the first vigilante villain in the show, and the response to him going after corruption foreshadows a city willing to accept the protection of a batman. the cops are bad; we see cranston, who beats suspects w/ his “partner o’brien” (a trophy). harvey goes out of his way to emphasize that cranston’s not that bad, which is probably true for cop standards. he beats a suspect in custody and a drug dealer he’s got a deal with. and that’s not nearly the worst of the shit this city has seen. oswald returns and sees a kid picking pockets, a cop taking “protection” money, a mugger running off with a purse, and some hookers soliciting, pretty much in the same 30 seconds. 

the city is sick. it needs someone. 

on bruce’s end, though, he’s like...legit not doing so well. he’s starving himself now, and he’s obsessed w/ the pictures he got of his parents’ dead bodies. he says he’s looking for clues (to which alfred snarks, “oh, so you’re a detective now?” ...yeah, the World’s Greatest Detective), but if you think about the sword fighting scene, alfred is trying to turn the “training” into something productive and channel bruce’s feelings, but bruce repeatedly states that he doesn’t want to do this, while alfred continues to hit him anyway. alfred is trying, you know? but he’s not yet a substitute for a real parent, much less a psychiatrist. he’s the one who pushes bruce toward actually training and fighting and repressing his emotions, rather than going to a therapist and being treated and learning to move on. i would argue that one of the things the first season does rather well is illustrate alfred in that role--bruce has, perhaps, the potential to become batman from the start, but alfred is the one who pushes him down that path by closing down the other ones.

gotham, in its infinite subtleties, does two more things with the balloonman: set up bruce’s “no kill” rule (although the gentle art of making enemies does this again and better) by having him comment that, because the balloonman killed people, he was no better than the criminals. (to be fair, this is more acceptable coming from a sheltered, traumatized 14 year old who just saw his parents murdered than it is from jim, a literal murderer, who espouses the same logic), and establish the need for batman with the question by reporter: “now that the balloonman is gone, who will defend the people of gotham?” 

who, indeed.

(sidenote: this has been a set piece since episode 1, but i did want to discuss the oath of the horatii in the wayne manor living room. i took art history once in high school and it made me insufferable for the rest of my life.

so, like, the painting depicts 3 brothers pledging to defend this city state with their lives--very subtle. but also, as backstory, of the 3 brothers, only 1 survives to actually do that. i would argue that this is sort of a showcase to the origins of batman. three potential defenders: thomas wayne, jim gordon, and bruce. thomas wayne, obviously, is dead. jim isn’t, but we all know that eventually there will be a moral failure that ends with his ideology also failing to protect the city. meanwhile, bruce will “survive” to become the dark knight....

oh, and the lady in the corner crying over there is the sister of these brothers, who was to be engaged to one of the men who they’re going out to kill. no matter who wins, she’s going to lose someone she loves, and i think that’s also about bruce’s path for the show... he can save the city or he can’t, but no one is coming out of this happily.)

continuity: oswald makes it back to gotham. now shit gets serious <3

he weasels his way into the dishwasher position at bamonte’s, maroni’s favorite restaurant. we meet maroni, falcone’s strongest competitor, who we heard of last time. oswald’s just a dishwasher for now... but he’s got plans. moving on up. meanwhile, both maroni and falcone make vague references to arkham, without yet revealing why it’s important. it’s just this Thing, and it’s gonna change the city. jim is confronted by montoya, worries about the way that she and allen are investigating the death of oswald. harvey says, “end of the day, nobody cares about cobblepot.” oh, if only he knew what the one piece of the puzzle could do... if only he saw things like oswald, in fact, who affirms, “gotham needs me! i am its future!” he’s... partially right. but not just you, sugarpot. really, mostly, bruce.

fish’s lover lazlo returns for the dead; fish has him killed for “bringing down the mood” after the beating he got in 1x2. so there’s confirmation; those tears weren’t for him, they were for what the action from falcone against her signified. fish turns montoya and allen onto jim gordon for cobblepot’s murder (in an act that comes full circle--penguin having started this cycle of revenge by turning montoya and allen onto fish and the gcpd at large for the murder of mario pepper), while mostly trying to push them against falcone, just a little. 

on a less plot-y note, lamond was a juvenile services worker whose last straw was the mayor using the childsnatchers from last episode to lock up gotham’s youth. so, 1x2 directly caused 1x3, and dollmaker caused 1x2. the wheels turn...

oh! and jim places selina at the scene of the wayne murder. so that plot moves.

sliding scale of barbara kean’s sanity: the stress of living with jim gordon is starting to get to her. she tries to lift him up, but once he’s gone, she gets high. montoya visits, and they rehash some old history before montoya tells her that jim killed oswald cobblepot. so that’s out... she also kisses barbara, and cracks are forming in her stable facade. how much longer can she last?

jim gordon trauma count: he falls like 20 feet onto a car. he should be a lot more fucked up than he is; lamond makes almost the same fall and breaks his neck. i think he at least got some cracked ribs, or something. 

characterization: interesting one for jim. we explore a bit of the way he thinks; he’s troubled by the fact that people only cared about what the balloonman was doing (in such a way that they were moved to stop him) when he killed a cop & not when he killed a corrupt politician, bc he thinks Murder Is Wrong. at the same time, the first guy really wouldn’t have seen the inside of a jail cell. so what does that mean for jim’s ideology? he clings to The Law bc that’s what he thinks separates good and bad--but that’s a copout (cop out, haha). that’s the moral complexities of a child, james. if he clings to the law, then he has someone else deciding what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s moral and just. but what if the laws are bad, or can’t protect people, even when upheld exactly to the letter? what then? jim got so used to following orders that he forgot how to make his own moral code--or he’s too scared to. But, we see hints of him doing it anyway. he’s troubled when barbara tries to praise him for his heroism, but maybe just bc he broke the law & got away with it. “everyone matters, or no one does” is a good start, jim. just examine who the laws are really made to help. 

for oswald: he gives his name as paolo to maroni when he’s trying to gain his confidence. i made a meta post about this on my other blog (which i plan to link in my next post), but the short version is that, for me, the name recalled paolo malatesta (a historical figure, but most notable for being one of the sinners in dante’s inferno), who was once said to be “a romantic sort, a man not really interested in the world around him.” ...this being oswald’s cover name when he wants maroni to think that he’s not paying any attention to what goes on around him at all. there’s also the more tenuous link of him giving his name as “dmitri,” which is derived from the greek goddess demeter, to the fish mook who recognizes him; demeter being the goddess of fertility, health, law, gotham’s future...

gobblepot: “hello, james. old friend.” oswald comes back to gotham and the immediate first thing he does after ensuring his sneaky little scheme is visiting jim--before gertrud, no less. and at jim’s girlfriend’s apartment. hm!!!

[xoshepard]

turns out the problem wasn’t that guy, it was my idiot infatuation and my lack of ability to set boundaries bc of it

I been thinkin about this pattern a lot lately, esp re: the other guy. I hate him bc he was a dickhead but had I not been obsessed with this potential relationship nonsense and approached it as a friendship we probably would have gotten along a lot better and might still be friends now. although he WAS playing around with me to some extent. we would have made decent friends w benefits. I think both of us are more cut out for that than most people seem to be, but I guess that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time anyway. I suppose I am never really looking for that with men.

as for the guy that I AM still friends with...

it literally is as simple as “don’t dedicate all of your free time to promoting this  person’s mental health and ignoring your own, and set boundaries that include honesty”

I hang out w him all the time now and I never feel like I’m drowning myself for his sake like I used to, I just feel like “wow this is a fun time” and he even helped calm me down after a terrible and anxiety-inducing social interaction yesterday

he definitely has his flaws, he still has what I would refer to as tantrums, and he can be v self-centered, but unlike before I don’t have the delusion that it’s my job to calm him down and tell him that he’s right about everything. when he starts getting upset over stupid shit I just. let him. then eventually he calms down and comes back and is like “yeah I was being a dick” and we move on. which? is better than I can say? I still have trouble admitting when I’m wrong about stuff.

anyway it’s just been very surprising and also relieving to realize that we had a pretty strong bond and that can just be a normal ass friendship. I was doing all  this emotional labor that nobody fuckin asked me to do and then I got upset w him about it ldskjfdkslfjsdl and that’s proven by the fact that he hasn’t once stepped over that line. I actually told him how I felt about a lot of the issues I had back in 2017 bc I was meaning to just stop talking to him altogether and I was gonna use those grievances as my reasoning, but that conversation ended up being the baseline for our New and Improved (tm) friendship, which is kinda cool. he said that the things I told him (not just about feeling like I was solely responsible for his happiness/mental health, but my concerns re: his statement a while ago that he has no intentions of seeing a therapist) really stuck with him and he’d been researching other mental health improvement options since therapy isn’t like readily accessible to him since he isn’t fluent in japanese and is going to stay in japan for the foreseeable future, and that reaction really made a big impression on me bc tbh I had no idea he cared that much about what I have to say, so I figured I should give it another go without all my issues clouding my judgment. again, like he’s flawed, but my assessment of him was needlessly harsh

then there are weird times when I am just like yeah I can actually see why I liked this guy so much. I obviously do not feel this way now after having framed him as both paragon and pariah, but he has a funny way of saying exactly what I need to hear when I am down, and that’s a v good trait to have in a friend and like... ok no wonder I was always trying so hard to be exactly what he needed all the time.

I will not do that anymore tho. I don’t care HOW good he is at cheering me up, I am gonna maintain my boundaries and keep focusing on doing what’s best for me

[archivestoriescrafted]

lil things related to my autism that i want people to know!

my focus is shit,  and my therapist says that’s super common with this diagnosis.  if you feel ignored by me,  i promise it isn’t intentional,  it’s because i can’t focus on anything ever yikes.

i stink at conversation,  okay?  like,  if you guys haven’t picked up on that by now,  i literally cannot maintain any sort of chat for the life of me.  i’m always worried i’m misreading things,  and that i’ll say something wrong,  and it’s something i’ve been legitimately afraid to talk about before but i feel a little more free and open now so??  kinda going along with the previous point,  if i ever stop talking to you,  just know that it’s because my brain just is in overload and i’m having a lot of anxiety yikes.

i also can’t tell any discernable pattern that pops up in people who i’m able to talk to more easily.  i wish i could,  and that i magically knew the secret formula for talking to people and being friends,  but i don’t.  so,  it may take me a while to warm up to you and to reply to messages with any sort of frequency --- but hopefully we’ll reach a point where friendship manages to override my ingrained fear of literally everyone.

i sERIOUSLY have a tendency to fixate.  this generally means there’ll be one or two fandoms at a time that i’m very very interested in above others,  and for whatever reason i can’t bring myself to hold a speck of interest toward the rest.  my depression gets way worse when i’m not fixating,  and these are the times i tend to disappear for a week or two at a time.  but just know if i ever focus on one or two fandoms at a time and seem to ignore all the rest,  it’s just my brain being…. my brain and i literally can’t help it.

i have serious sensory issues and some days i just cannot bring myself to be online,  and i think i may be cutting back on icon usage on some days just due to like,  sensory overload,  you know?  like i do tend to be really obsessive about things looking orderly and nice,  but for the sake of my senses and all that,  i don’t know that i can keep up with making things on my bad days,  and writing is really my biggest stress relief so i’m trying to come up with ways that i can feel like writing a little more often.

i?? don’t do well at all picking up on social cues.  i can’t read any hint of a person’s intended emotions,  especially online,  unless i’ve talked to them often and have become comfortable with them.  basically this means that i can take a really long time to answer IMs,  because even the littlest thing can be misinterpreted as ‘oh shit they’re mad at me’,  and then i’ll retreat into myself and just avoid talking which….  kind of makes things just as bad because then i’m convinced that everyone’s mad because i take so long to respond.  i’m doing my best but ??? it can just be really,  really hard for me to talk to people until i know for a fact that they’re not annoyed or anything,  you know?  like,  i sit here agonizing over things like “is this how they expect me to respond?  am i misinterpreting what they’ve said completely?  is this totally out of line to say?”  etc.,  so just??  bear with me,  if you can,  because i’m trying but it’s??  just hard.

i get overwhelmed super easily,  and when i get overwhelmed,  i tend to block out the things that i’m doing.  because of this i’ll often forget that i’m IMing people i don’t talk to often,  be it for plotting or anything else.  please don’t take it personally,  it’s never anything to do with you.  feel free to send me gentle reminders!!

i also get overwhelmed if i don’t take things a step at a time.  which is a problem,  as i’ve been taught that i ‘have to plan for the future’ by a crappy school system that tries to fit everyone into one mold.  i’m a details person.  i have to go slow,  and live in the moment,  and just….  take things as they happen instead of thinking ten steps ahead.  i’m working on doing better at this,  for my own sake,  but i have a serious tendency to force myself to think about everything i have to do at once,  which is when i get stressed and can’t do anything at all.  i’m trying to do better,  but just a note that it’s gonna require some work,  and i appreciate everyone’s patience with me to this point and beyond <3

i probably won’t call you by or refer to you by your name unless i’m beyond 100% certain i’m right because i doubt myself so much and uh..... it’s bad.  this doesn’t mean i love you less,  or that we’re less of friends bc i refer to other people by their name it’s just me fighting my brain!

[sweetcron]

11-97

hhelllll yEAHHHHH HERE WE GO BABIE!!!!!!! THANKS FOR THE ASK!!!

i probably went too hard on all these but....one of my summer classes just finished and i was like yeahahhHhhahah

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

totally depends where i am and how much time i have, but typically ill have yogurt & something small but sweet so i dont go insane

12. name of your favorite playlist?

god right now my favorite is handle without care, which is just stupid songs im into right now

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard, except i always get it caught on shit so typically i just throw my keys in my bag anyway

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

oooo hard one, my initial thought was sour gummy worms, but probably... either that or sour skittles. oh but fuck lemon & black licorice jelly beans together......im excited to have 0 followers & 0 friends tomorrow

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

percy jackson was dope. im trying to come up with another that i even read and frankly cannot

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

honestly i just sit like a fool all the time, but i like to be very reclined and almost horizontal, if im forced to sit more upright i like crosslegged or with my leg(s) pulled up to my chest

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

depends on the season or length of time, recently it’s been my black high top vans, usually it’s my docs. for a long time it was black converse.

18. ideal weather?

i like when it’s a little sunny, kind of overcast, but a little cold, like enough to wear layers but not suffer

19. sleeping position?

on my side, curled up, ideally holding pam(ela indestructable underworld), my adorable stuffed sloth

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

depends on what it is, but I have a planner sort of thing i really like for planning, a sketchbook/painting sort of notebook for more emotional shit and then my twitter that nobody follows and is private for really emotional shit

21. obsession from childhood?

i loved making like..dirt, water, and grass mixtures in an empty gatorade bottle. apparently this is not a common experience.

22. role model?

everyone to an extent, but also nobody. but to pin down a specific person, probably my therapist lol

23. strange habits?

i keep listening to shiny from moana? also i keep wanting to change my hair.

24. favorite crystal?

oh god, i love opal, but i dont know. most are pretty but some are awful. it depends, and id have to look at a million pictures for any resemblance of a legitimate answer

25. first song you remember hearing?

that’s so hard um. i dont remember very early but i do remember hearing crush, crush, crush by paramore and thinking ew crushes are gross even though i had a crush on a dumbass at the time, and welcome to the black parade and crying

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

warm, probably a concert but past that, walking around, going to thrift stores or record shops. 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

a concert, again but past that going home, or getting a warm drink

28. five songs to describe you?

oh LORD!!!!! this is hard, but i did my best

1. caught in the middle - paramore

2. grow - muna

3. cool for cats - squeeze

4. cut my lip - twenty one pilots

5. tubthumping - chumbawumba

29. best way to bond with you?

share music with me, be vulnerable and share what is going on with you

30. places that you find sacred?

being in trees and being alone listening to music that means a lot to me loudly

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

i have a mustardy yellow shirt that’s got vertical lines that are raised from the shirt, and then a flared leg jumpsuit sort of thing that’s like plaid, with black and white and grey. then docs, and yeah i love that outfit. adore it. even better with a jean jacket with fleece lining.

32. top five favorite vines?

also so hard but after doing this i think im gonna throw up from laughing so hard

1. dancing puppet

2. get outta your mind

3. cat

4. WAY TO GO PAUL

5. krispy kreme

33. most used phrase in your phone?

that’s a great question, probably me asking people what to do with my hair

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

none currently, but always “meat, it’s what’s for dinner”

35. average time you fall asleep?

depends, but usually 10ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

probably some rage meme like brian or whatever

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

depends on what im doing, but usually duffel.

38. lemonade or tea?

arnold palmer babie!! but it depends, usually i’d say tea, i really like lemon ginger (especially pukka but its expensive)

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

i dont know if i’ve had lemon meringue pie, but lemon cake sounds better i think

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

i remembered this and it is entertaining, in middle school (i was...prolly 14? 13?) someone said “someone likes uuuu” to me and i was like. “......k” and they were like..... “it’s a giiiiiiirl” and i again, was like “.......k” and so literally, i fucking spent the rest of the class being like, hm! apparently i dont care. and thats how i realized that idc about gender when it comes to liking someone lol

41. last person you texted?

max, @laetan​. follow him if u dont i love him

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

women’s pant pockets are cursed. jacket pockets enlighten me, especially when there’s one normal and then one like, on top of that pocket but the entrance is horizontal. that’s my favorite.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all? but let’s rank them 

1. jean jacket, my absolute fav, i have like 5 jean jackets and it’s bad. i always want more

2. hoodie, with a jean jacket is even better, but COMFY!!!!

3. leather jacket, look like a badass with one piece of clothing!!

4. bomber jacket, dont have a lot but always make me feel cool

5. cardigan, makes me feel like an old lady, but also really comfy idk. even the worst is amazing

44. favorite scent for soap?

i love lemon, but any fruit is good. or like, vanilla

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi usually....fantasy is usually too much and superhero is usually annoying. unless it’s spiderman. i adore spiderman

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

oversized soft t shirt and like, soft shorts/boxer things

47. favorite type of cheese?

GOAT CHEESE!!! also sharp cheddar and pepperjack

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

pear. i feel like i’m not talked about a lot but people like me and nobody despises me??

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

i really like “you can start over each day” and “only skeleton bones remain” (FUCKING CLIKKIE)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i feel like ive cried laughing so hard, or almost thrown up, but i dont know why, and that’s almost better

51. current stresses?

just general body things, appointments, school in the fall, graduating, etc

52. favorite font?

it depends on what im doing, but i love my own handwriting, i like times new roman, hate arial with a PASSION!!!!! brawler is nice but doesn’t bold well. handwriting fonts are cool too

53. what is the current state of your hands?

left hand’s nails is in silver glitter and right hand’s nails are blue/purple glitter. perpetual hangnails. still a hint of a scar from cutting my hand on a razor, and remnants of blisters from rowing

54. what did you learn from your first job?

that you can be kind and see change without changing the entire world, and that men are creepy as shit

55. favorite fairy tale?

i dont think i have one? max probably has a good one that i’d love. new ask game send me ur favorite fairy tales and ill read them and review them

56. favorite tradition?

my mom makes me a half birthday cake every year, it’s really cute and idk why it warms my heart

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

fuck dude, umm this is hard and also a lot

1. my extreme self hatred!!

2. my extreme concern for other people’s thoughts, just honestly like dressing and listening to whatever and not really caring, ill always care, just not as bad as i did

3. letting go of things and trying to grow because of pain rather than viewing it as a waste of time

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

uhhhhhghaghhaghdshaghdhsaghadshg i dont know this is hard

1. finding dope ass socks at thrift stores

2. thinking creatively and trying to make something stranger than others like it

3. i can draw p well???? i guess? i designed my tattoo does that count

4. winning contests. i won like, 10 last year? like wtf

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

recently it would be life’s a sham and then ur wow, in reference to life’s a bitch and then you die and also shamwow. so that. or just constantly referring to things as bad boys, like. dishes.

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

there’s different kinds? but ummmm i dont know, i dont want to google anime types. can i say like a miyazaki movie and be done with it

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

i dont know, can i do a song? bc i really like I’m alive in spite of me recently, also like this graffiti that i say that said 33 might mason men couldn’t put me back together again

62. seven characters you relate to?

oh boy, i asked my gf for help on some

1. nick miller from new girl

2. peter b. parker from into the spiderverse

3. dean mccoppin from iron giant for some reason

4. emile from ratatouille 

5. a mix of ben and leslie from parks and rec

6. a weird mix of chris and ron from parks and rec

7. rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid

63. five songs that would play in your club?

1. come down by anderson paak

2. send me on my way by rusted root

3. doses and mimosas by cherub

4. replay by iyaz

5. rap snitch knishes by mf doom

64. favorite website from your childhood?

WEBKINZ!!!!!

65. any permanent scars?

yeaaa got a lot, most prominent are on my legs, partially just stretch marks, and then the one on my forehead from when i got stitches

66. favorite flower(s)?

i love carnations, marigolds, roses, but really anything, fuck

67. good luck charms?

i don’t have any, i used to wear a bracelet my gf gave me but it broke. *insert gif of me trying to remember when it broke and if that’s when everything went to shit*

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

centipede jelly bean. worst thing ive ever had. it wouldn’t go away for a day even with eating other things and drinking water and chewing strong gum. horrible

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

i have no idea. truly

70. left or right handed?

i am right handed

71. least favorite pattern?

houndstooth, i really don’t like it for some reason

72. worst subject?

i am oh so bad at writing, it’s really hard for me. but honestly recently every subject is horrible.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

this was mentioned before, but black licorice and lemon. i’ve only had it with jelly beans, so maybe it’s not as good in other formats

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

depends on what it is, if i think a migraine is coming then i take it pretty low, maybe a 4, otherwise i can deal with it up to like a 6 or 7, unless i’m needing to focus

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i dont know when, but i do remember where. i was at a drive through bank in a rental car with my parents and brother in oregon, and i put the tooth in the lid of a plastic water bottle.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

jalepeno potato chips are soooo good but, honestly, tots are the best. mashed potatoes are good too

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

depends on the direction it’s facing and climate, but i’m growing some ivy right now and it’s so pretty and cool. also a christmas cactus that my great great great grandma or something like that started and has been passed down!!!! and a ..... leafy boy

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

absolutely coffee from a gas station, i dont trust sushi

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

my school id because i’m smiling. i look stoned or dead in my id.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

i didn’t entirely know what this meant, so i googled both and went oooooooo to jewel tones so. jewel tones.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

i say both, i don’t know which i say more frequently because i live where there aren’t ....... lightning bugs. ore fireflies. whichever. lol

82. pc or console?

i dont game much, but i like my psp a lot, or like a joystick sort of sitchhhh

83. writing or drawing?

dRAWING FOR SURE!

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts, i don’t listen to much of either

84. barbie or polly pocket?

can i throw in a third variable of bratz?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

either, but probably mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes?

depends on the kind, but i love frosting and cupcakes are fun, so cupcakes.

87. your greatest fear?

that i will lose everyone i love or push them away? eeeee

88. your greatest wish?

to be content and hopefully other people are content alongside me

89. who would you put before everyone else?

honestly my gf, max, and steph. and my mom. yeyeeeee

90. luckiest mistake?

oh god we could go deep or not. probably not. so like, buying pamela, my stuffed sloth

91. boxes or bags?

depends on the situation, but bags are fun, can put patches on them, plastic bags are boring and boxes are useful, help organize or carry lots of things

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

sunlight absolutely, i love it. i then would say lamps are better than fairy lights which are better than overhead lights. fuck overhead lights

93. nicknames?

for me? okay lets GO. delly, delly boi, dell, d, glen, glenjamin, glenny, yenaled. there’s a lot of weird/gross ones that i dont want to share.

94. favorite season?

fall in theory, summer in stability.

95. favorite app on your phone?

wasn’t this already asked? CAUGHTCHA

96. desktop background?

switches between 3 pictures around colorado that my gf took

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

five

98. favorite historical era?

good question, i honestly don’t know. can i say the 80s or 90s? if not like, before racism existed. yeah