#am i making excuses out of thin air or am i inherently behind due to things i cant do like everybody else

[bingobongobonko]

clicking my tongue and having thoughts over and over again. how to be a good successful person if the general idea of success involves so much rise and grind to survive. like im not crazy right. to be successful i have to play an unseen social game with so many people, one i dont wanna participate in nor capable of playing along in. or maybe im lazy and making excuses, or is that what ive been taught to think. why is our only choices exploiting everybody to get to the top, killing yourself to get the career you want (and not guaranteed to you), or joining the military. and before somebody says yea no shit dude, i know; been known, but frustrating nonetheless. i do think im a bit lazy. im not a great person but im a person ig. unsure why morality of it is bugging me right now. just funny how intertwined being a good person and having a good productive work ethic is intertwined. maybe its supposed to be, i dont know. dont feel like it sometimes. im working, but when im not, theres a sick feeling in my head that im a bad person. and i do think that is engrained by the people around us, and maybe im lazy, but i would like it gone. sometimes i just wanna live, thats what my existence is for. morality defined by ur usefulness and work ethics is just offputting. but also im no one special so thats my view of it, there are good people who strive for a lot and thats very lovely. i just dont think thats me