#am i making sense anymore i dont know its like a ball of tangled yarn in there

[meiozis]

I have only really interacted with your fics, so i cannot say much about you personally.I did send an ask a good while ago, saying how your writing made me believe love is real or something along those lines. I think about your reply to my sleepy hazed and sentimentally sappy ask very frequently. I even have screenshotted it haha. I kept thinking about you saying this

“i promise love exists outside of my writing, it's in every small thing forever and always, and it accumulates under your nails like dirt did when you were 5 and playing in the sandpit with a kid you met half an hour ago who is now your best friend

and my words exist outside of me, and if you like them you can carry them with u wherever you go and make them your own”

It was like something just kind of clicked in me. I will save you from the bore that is my love life but essentially it’s almost non existent right now, and has been since a pretty bad relationship ended nearly two years ago. I had somewhat just made myself numb to the possibility or desire for love after that but when I read your writing It was a glimpse of what I had tried so desperately to shut out and I missed it so much.

I had missed pining and affection even the pain that came with it. Your response even furthered that and made me realize that I hadn’t even been looking for love in other facets of my life. I started looking for love in everything, not even romantic but just pure love. Putting love behind my own actions more and loving very liberally. Trying to view small things others do as acts of love. I was so obsessed with acts of love ai even based an assignment in a photography class (it was very well received in critique lol). Ive chilled out a bit since then but I still carry your words with me wherever i go and It has given me such a deeper appreciation for the life i’m living.

Now the fun part is a little association game i like to play! like i said i don’t know you personally but i’ve read your stuff and so here’s a few things they remind me of! i don’t have a reasoning for any of these

the colors apricot and lavender! the artist japanese breakfast, and UA. Tangled headphone wires and arm warmers. the times 7:34pm and 5:56 am. The fizzing of a dissolving tablet when dropped into water, waiting outside for your ride to arrive, oolong tea, sweet cream foam, and a pumpkin fig danish i had one time.

This one’s a little crazy person talk and I’m also not rly sure how it correlates but it does in my mind. It was a trip i went on earlier this year, to a beach. I was at, not my lowest but pretty low, one night i sat by the ocean til 5 am thinking about how i could just walk into the sea and never come out. What would happen to me? would i drown or would i just walk until i found somewhere new? maybe the fish would just carry me. no one would know where i’d gone, not even myself. At some point the sun came up and i saw a fish get washed onto shore. As it just sat there completely still I thought about how maybe it’s the universe’s trade off, the ol switcharoo. It comes out I go in, it wanted out as much as i did. It started flopping around gasping and squirming so i pushed it back into the ocean and it stopped for a second, probably to regain stability, and then darted back into the sea. I went inside, made some breakfast and thought about the countless things that have pushed me back in. your work reminds me of those things too

hope u are safe warm and having a lovely time love u xoxo

it's really nice to hear from you again <3 (the rest is under the read more because i got a little carried away)

honestly i think about that ask almost daily too, because even if technically i know that people read my writing, it's such an unbelievable thought that it makes someone feel things and evokes emotions in them and that my words stay with someone, and thank you for gifting me your words in exchange of mine

it genuinely makes me so happy that you found a way to let love back into your life and a way to be happier i wrote parallels & almosts while coming out of a bad relationship and i remember how much energy and constant conscious effort it took to turn to a blank page and let myself fill it with anything even remotely good or happy, a bad relationship can be such an immobilizing and degrading chapter in our lives, and even if you get stuck in that chapter and forget how to turn to the next page for a week, a month, a year, a decade, it's such a big thing that you didn't close the book and put it back on the shelf, and you pushed that fish back into the water and you pushed yourself back into the water

yeah, that moment of stillness sometimes lasts for longer than we want it to, and maybe we shut down a little and forget how to spot the flowers that bloom where the road meets the sidewalk and the concrete has cracked a bit, but just like that fish in the sunrise you're back in the ocean and it doesnt matter how long it took to regain your stability, all that matters in the grand scheme of things is that you did it and to go on a bit of a tangent i think theres something funny abt how i first read your ask at 5am with my head so full of thoughts i was worried it's going to explode, and it reminded me of a story i wrote up for a comic for one of my classes this semester (the comic got ditched for another project, but the story is still dear to me) and even though it's never seen the light of day, it still reminded me of your story, so i hope you dont mind if i share it with you

Rain knocks on the window politely, so you let it in. Water flows between the cracks of the floorboards, and slowly fills up the room. The sea laps at your feet, hugs your ankles first, then your knees and waist, closes in around your ribs slowly, pushes more and more until you’re neck deep. You let it push you under, gently, comfortably, closing your eyes and filling your ears with ringing.

Is this what it’s like?

The pressure gets stronger and stronger, crushes your ribs into fine powder that the water washes away immediately. It keeps growing, until eventually you can’t feel anything anymore.

You keep falling, deeper and deeper until you touch sand, soft under your feet. Your heart feels at peace, settling into a slow rhythm. Small specks of light flood your vision, bubbles in the water turning into stars in the sky.

You float among them, and pick one out. It rests in your palm, weightless yet heavy, holding the entire weight of the universe. Full of knowledge and love, warm against your skin. You kiss it goodnight, a smile on your face as it explodes in your hold.

With it you’re gone, but so is everything else.

i keep rereading your story, and man, it's a poem of some sort, the ol switcharoo and the fish carrying you away... yeah i'll think abt this for the next 10-15 business days

and the associations oh i really cried over your message at 5 in the morning and it cleansed my soul in a way a little bird takes a bath in a puddle after a spring rain... they are all such lovely things to be associated with that part of me that i share on this silly blog, im putting your message in my pocket and carrying it around with me everywhere <3

thank you for taking the time to write me all this, and thank you for carrying love with you and sharing it and letting yourself take a bite when youre craving it, i hope youre having a lovely day and taking care, stay full of love, love u <33