#amandalovexm

[crescendeyes]

who you love

can sometimes be so important yet forgettable. one minute you mean the universe to them, the next you're strangers.

this doesn't only apply to love in partners but in friendships too. often times I wonder if the level of service I offer them will bear the same returns; but as unconditional love goes, you'd think the bare minimum would be loyalty, honesty and the well being of the other person.

but all these things do get taken for granted once in awhile. sometimes, we're so wrapped up in our own shit we don't take the time to understand the other's needs.

and thus, this is life. this is adulthood. this is drama.

we're easily sucked into it and yet we're unaware of the part we play in it.

i'm pledging myself some dignity and planning my day as it goes to care lesser for retaliation but there should also be some form of outlet if I wanna survive the days without having one single mental breakdown.

idk if I'm taking care of myself well enough but I certainly am trying. I'm not perfect, yes. I make mistakes everyday to learn from them, sometimes repeating them because it doesn't get thru my thick skull. what I don't understand is how some people find it their liberty to judge me on their high horses.

I found a new love not only in relationships but in myself. I am my harshest critic and if somebody else thinks that they can take reign and be a harsher critic to myself than I already am, then fuck them.

[dramascoreanosar]

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[crescendeyes]

this chapter of my life

I am 25 days away from 25 July and this is when I turn 30.

Last night, the ABN Girlies and I looked back on our past 2 years and really pondered on where we are currently and how far we came. It was obvious to them that I was happier.

I guess I am in the chapter of my life that I should really start counting my blessings and hoping for the best. I know I still dwell on my worries and the past, but I'm learning now not to take control of everything. It's a difficult process but I am really trying.

Looking back, 23 year old me would've never guessed this is the life I will be leading now. The fear that I would not be able to achieve success in a conventional way scares me. It almost feels like I'm doom to fail but I know if I feel that way, it will come true. So, I have to be positive.

I'm currently in this chapter of my life where growth and abundance is the most important thing to me. If I don't take the time to appreciate it I think they will all just fade away and I'm terrified of that outcome.

What is the best way to deal with stress? I'lll need to figure this out. More importantly, I need to put a daily reminder for myself that other people's problems is NOT my problem. I need to stop inserting myself in them.

[crescendeyes]

march entry

March has certainly gone by so swiftly but not without any bumps.

I'm writing out of anxiety and know its been awhile since I've checked in on myself and my thoughts.

I just found out that a friend of mine unfollowed me and also removed me from his following. Now, I know this may sound trivial but when something so sudden happens to a good friendship, wouldn't you be curious/anxious too?

I started the month with a lot to deal with - arguments with Bryant aside, I know very well that these things are something we could work on to be better but nothing could've prepared me for this sudden drop of the friendship between Dan and I.

I've always been so fond of him. The love I have for my friends now feels a little taken for granted all of a sudden.

On another note, I'd be starting a new job soon here in KL. Thankfully the drive is only 15 mins away but I am still penniless and worry that things might not pan out for me the way I would like.

I am anxious about a lot of things at the current state. Including the fact that my family doesn't have a clue that I was jobless for 7 months and now taking a huge paycut to work in this new company.

Am I a bad friend?

[crescendeyes]

end of feb 2024

lets look back on the things that you are grateful for shall we?

you started off feb with a lot of blessings.

you met up with an old colleague for a quick catch up - reminding you of how far you've come in your career. Recognising how much of a break you needed since your first corporate job.

you went to an event that you never thought that you would be invited to again....? Cause, you know....you're not exactly Gen Z or super famous or whatever.

On top of that, at that event, you got yourself a shirt from Pestle & Mortar which you also didn't know you would be awarded lol. And was also featured in a Reel/TikTok that you also didn't intend to be in last min at the event.

you celebrated a friend's birthday, you spent time with your family and your boyfriend's family.

Despite being oh so poor, you still managed to gift your boyfriend, 5 shirts for Valentines Day.

you had the pleasure of meeting friends from abroad again, like, Russell, Arthur, Darren, Nickolai and Nylinne.

you hosted Nylinne and had the blessing of being taken care of while she was here.

your boyfriend loves you and you had the pleasure of sharing that love with your extended family for the first time this year.

your mum and dad loves you a lot and they like your boyfriend too.

you managed to sell off some clothes for very little money - but money is money right?

you didn't win a lot of money from gambling but it was a fun bonding session.

you had the pleasure of making another video with The Record and earning small pocket money for groceries and gas.

you were also given another opportunity to work with Juyi who gave you a small gig for a bank.

you shot a campaign for L' Oreal Paris.

you cleaned your house so thoroughly and it wasn't even that bad.

you watched a movie with your family.

your brother and sis in law came home from Copenhagen just in time for the end of CNY.

your boyfriend loves you and financially, emotionally and mentally supports you - all while still juggling to understand you.

you are loved, you are cared for and you are blessed.

dont ever forget that.

[crescendeyes]

saying goodbye to friendships.

I learned that every mistake I made in 20s is shaping me to be the person I am in my 30s.

Being gentle with yourself is a neccessity.

Having friends is a luxury.

Health is wealth.

And love is work.

You can choose to live a perfect life without mistakes.

But without them, there will be no growth.

Forgive but don't forget.

Remember but let go.

Love but find peace.

Things will be better. I promise you that.

[crescendeyes]

The start of 2024

I felt as tho my year started off fresh but it didnt come with any worries. I had Bryant by my side championing my burdens while I seek out opportunities that can help me make money in any possible way.

I've thought bout what we went had to go through the past 3 weeks. Happiness, bliss, arguments, betrayals and more. The mix of emotions has drained the both of us and left us wondering if this is what entails for the future of our lives that we are ever so eager to build together.

As we both unravel the heartache he has caused me over and over again, we also deepened our bond together by meeting each other's family in the New Year. Further cementing the future together into existence.

The burning question remained, "Will I ever let it go?"

Finding out that he cheated on his ex with me and another woman, finding out he went out with this other woman while I was at a festival celebrating my birthday. Finding out he felt like we weren't stable and he didn't know what he wanted in the beginning but said the opposite to me during that time. Could I ever forgive him? Could I ever forget his inability to keep it in his pants while convincing others around him to lie to my face?

I am sad, tired and lost but I have to rely on him financially to stay afloat now. That is not to say that I don't truly love and care for him. But that is insane no? It almost feels crazy that I allowed such a man to manipulate me and others around him - and eventhough I hate him for it, I still manage to love him?

Cam once said to me, "You'll get tired of his shit one day". When will that day come? And when that day comes, will it be too late because we have both exchanged the family meetings and such? It's almost flattering that I am the first woman he has brought home to introduce to his family since his ex wife.

It is almost crazy to say the least that he still wants to pursue this eventhough he has found so many ways to sabotage this relationship. I will never forget the day I said I wanted to leave and he didn't let me. It was toxic. It was so mind numbing and hurtful and yet I couldn't bring myself to leave. And I know exactly what he thinks of me - he probably lost his respect for me that day.

I know he loves and cares for me; otherwise why would he be doing all this for me? There is no benefit for him to financially take care of me nor continue to support me but maybe it is temporary because he knows I too wont want to allow myself such tragedy to live on longer than it should.

It is a new year, and I want to move forward.

The burning question remained, "Will I ever let it go?"

I want to for my mental health sake.

But how can I trust again? I see him making efforts and yet in moments of solitude I find myself questioning if I did the right thing by putting myself in the crossfire of his identity crisis. I am lost and I just want to be found.

[crescendeyes]

it's been awhile.

I've gone through the journey of feeling less than and then too much and sometimes just enough.

If you know how I'm feeling, you probably feel that way too once in awhile. In this lifetime, sometimes our insecurities fuel us a little bit too much no matter how much you want to drown the sound out.

I feel that way, all the time.

It's not that you dont feel your worth, its just hard for you to convince someone to treat you right. You can't make someone love you the way you want to be loved especially after you've communicated how you want to be love.

It's hard not to compare your relationship to how he used to treat his ex. Like, maybe he loved her more than he loves me. Is it stupid? Is it weird to feel this way?

[crescendeyes]

affirmations needed

Look, life fucking sucks.

We all know that.

Some things, you'll need to sithe thru before you can fully comprehend what went wrong, why you copped it and how you should cop it.

You are worthy of a love that is boundless and brings you peace.

You are somebody who has gone thru so much last year.

I know this year isn't ideal but it couldn't have been worse than last year.

I know that you've been thru so much loss, it's ok. You'll find your tribe again, you'll attract the real ones, you'll be the one who can hold you together.

You have love to give, give it willingly but guard your heart.

You only reveal what you choose to share.

You've got this.

[crescendeyes]

last friday night

After 4 years and more of a friendship with my group of friends, the day has finally come where all good things must come to an end.

With the return of Eugene coming home from his holiday, it was quite immediate that he had executed a plan to officially remove me from the group, a year after everything has happened.

I didn't do a good job at retaining some of these friendships too tbh but I couldn't care less either way. Some of these people have failed to impressed me in the year and in fact, given me the major ick after awhile.

Your real friends really show themselves at your lowest moments and I have been rid of those who do not serve me any longer. Peace be with you.

[crescendeyes]

one door closes, another one opens.

18 Aug, Friday - This date will be a significance because it is the day you got fired. It was a very hard day for you because suddenly you went from making 5 digits to nothing. It is scary, I know. But here are a few things you need to remember in your term:

2/10 of your clients failed to renew and possibly didn't like you but 8/10 did.

8/10 of those clients - 1 of them offered you a job abroad to join their team. What this means is that they love you, they believe in you and they want you. You aren't useless.

In your 10 months with this company, you have successfully renewed and gained the trust of 2 clients that were deemed difficult to renew. This means, you have done your job; perhaps you could've done more, but it is ok.

Truth is, you were in the company for 3 months and you've already shown tremendous good work by building a strong relationship not only with client but with your internal content team who deemed your previous predecessor "mean" or "difficult".

You have never once thrown malice towards your clients and team members.

You even helped your sexual predator manager to do HIS job.

You complied to their silly time management tool when your manager didn't.

The list go on & on....

What I'm trying to say is. This isn't the end for you.

Because the second this door closed, you were offered another job quite immediately. Was it ideal? No. Are you upset? Maybe a little hurt but truth is, you've been burnt out since March.

You've been yearning for a holiday and when you got one on your birthday, it was HELL. It wasn't pleasant and you kept getting sick and YOU'RE STILL SICK. But you have a new relationship, your peace, savings & time to finally wind down and get the rest you deserve.

Keep moving on, Amanda. You got this. I know you can. I know you will.

[crescendeyes]

turning 30.

7 July - I went to Terry's wedding in hopes to repay all his kindness and love he has showered me over the past couple of years. I have never been more thankful for someone eventhough I've rejected him for more 20 times in the past 2 years.

Going to Brunei for the first time, not knowing anybody; I was destined to stick by the groom through this very challenging time for him. Why did you ask? Well, his wedding is what we would call "a shotgun wedding" aka unexpected pregnancy.

Context: Terry and Rachel got pregnant after dating for 4 months and decided to be good christian families and marry each other.

The entire wedding was honestly interesting, not only was I pushed in different directions to look for a new bf from his family members but Terry himself teased me by asking me if I wanna find a Bruneian boyfriend. It got pretty exhausting and tiring after awhile, I even yelled at him to stfu for the 5th time.

Low and behold, I met Bryant, omg Bryant. LOL.

Both Bryant and Ryan (the groomsmen) were tasked to "take care of me" during the wedding dinner cause Terry would never be able to anyway. He was far too busy getting high off his tits and drunk to even care bout me - so I understand and oblige.

Bryant was the first dude I really noticed cause, well, he was the only other dude covered in tattoos and he looked somewhat normal compared to the other jarringly Bruneian Chinese people there. But the INFJ in me was strong, I was too shy to say hi or introduce myself. Funny thing is, so was Bryant.

Of course, extroverted Ryan (his bestie) decided to walk up to me and introduce themselves to me (thankgod) cause I wouldn't have done it myself.

TLDR: We ended up getting pretty fucked up and blacked out for most of the wedding. Turns out Bryant and I were pretty close the entire night (we didn't remember a single thing). We spent the night knocked out on my bed cause Bryant had a flat tyre sending me back to my hotel.

But who could blame him? I mean look at me I'm gorgeous LOL. OK, jokes aside, we did end up spending the rest of my days in Brunei together cause Terry ended up in the doghouse with Rachel for the 2 nights after seemingly abandoning her at their own wedding and attempting to kiss me (you cannot make this shit up guys).

Upon leaving the country, I found myself missing Bryant and wishing we had more than a couple of days together....we spoke bout this for 2 nights in a row after I left and he decided to fly down after.

The reason was simple:

My birthday celebration - she turned 30 guys haha

To spend more time and explore what this could potentially be

My birthday wasn't something to shout about. It didn't really matter to me how I celebrated being 30 but it mattered who was there for it. I had an amazing time either way cause Bryant was there. I really think losing Aaron was a manifestation of what Bryant came to be in my life.

Someone who is unexpected, calm, kind and caring. OMG I don't think I have ever been more in love. My heart swells in the happiest manner when I talk to him eventhough it is thru the phone. It was amazing.

Come my actual birthday, I had to fly off to Copenhagen with my family and I was DREADING it. I wish I could back out of this truly. I wish I could just take the 2 weeks I am off to spend it with Bryant anywhere I want. I wish I could just do it.

Bryant said he would be home at mine when I come back cause thats how much he misses me too. And for the love of God, bless this man cause eventhough we are doing LDR it doesn't feel like it.

So, work is shitty but turning 30 brought in an unexpected love I didn't think I would find <3

[crescendeyes]

I am grateful for

As we enter the month of July-Aug, I felt like I should really analyse what I am thankful for and count my blessings a little.

I know being critical of yourself is embedded in our DNA to humble ourselves from delusion. There is a beauty in delusion - its either things are SUPER DUPER BAD or FINE AND DANDY.

Being extremely fearful avoidant, I find myself constantly confusing people and myself on the decisions that I make. It is a constant push and pull that I struggle with all my life with a lack of awareness of it's existence.

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style distrust others and withdraw from relationships in order to avoid rejection. This leads people with a fearful-avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.

Struggling to manage this part of my life, I managed to fall into the traps of despair every time I make a decision. They were either too reckless or too careful - never anything in between.

So, in order to re-evaluate the quarter of my life, before I turn 30, I won't be a list of things I want to achieve. Instead, I want to count my blessings and start showing gratitude to myself and my life, including the people who made it possible for these little celebrations.

Set boundaries and realise what my dealbreakers are in a relationship.

Let me explain - in the past, I would fight for a relationship and continue to work on it till there was nothing left behind except resentment. MAYBE, just MAYBE, if Aaron and I didn't breakup the first time around and I didn't have to grow up after the string of bad luck in 2022, I could tolerate and continue to work on relationships like I used to. So, being able to set boundaries and be honest with myself what I want to keep vs don't was the biggest step I took to self love and actualisation.

2. Love someone twice

Some might find this very toxic but if you never try, you'll never know. Hence, no. 1.

3. Performed for a huge festival in the second time of my life

Yes, I performed at Peakstorm Festival to open for Joji. While it may not seem like a feat for most musicians and artist, but it was once in a life time opportunity that I will forever be grateful for.

4. Moved out

I finally did it. There is no way I can describe how lucky I feel to get a place that I only dreamt of getting back in 2020 - and it took 3 years to rent this place. Although, rent is expensive and I am looking for opportunities to move to a new place that would be more affordable. 2024 is a time I wanna focus on growing my wealth and saving money.

5. Travelling with Aaron, meeting each others family, a sense of stability....

It is difficult for me to find stability cause I've never known it all my life. But even for that short period of time, visiting his family and travelling to Taiwan & Phuket, I felt like this is it. He is my forever, and his family and friends LOVE me. Unfortunately, no. 1 was the path I decided to take.

6. Dad

Dad is better now and we are planning to travel to Copenhagen and London together as a family.

7. Mum

Mum is open to the idea of counselling and started to see a therapist after hearing me out. In a way, I'm lucky she was even open to it for assistance. I love her.

8. Miso

Miso was with me since 6 June 2023, she has lived with me for 17 days and she will forever be the best emotional support kitty in my life. I have never had a cat with me before so it was an amazing experience. I will miss her so so dearly <3

9. Fixed my relationship with Cel & Cam

10. I'm travelling again

11. I am not chasing relationships anymore

12. I am in a good stable career

13. I have a manager that trust me and doesn't micro manage me - plus, he kinda has a thing for me or something idk.

14. I got a new tattoo this year so yay

15. Aaron is making tiktok videos of me while I am seemingly unbothered by it

16. I now know Hoeden is not my real friends.

17. I am learning how to swim.

18. I attended Harpreet & Nicole's wedding this year.

19. I ACTUALLY became friends with Aaron Chan? Wow. lol. The universe is weird.

20. I have great friends and made more this year.

21. People LOVE my apartment and they often compliment it hehe

22. Renewed my insurance policy because I can afford it bitches.

So there will be more blessings and I can't count but I always do my best to remember them whole heartedly.

If you read it this far, thank you. I hope this brings you peace.

[crescendeyes]

the sun needs to keep shining

After 2 weeks of breaking up with Aaron, I've since went on a couple of casual dates that didn't end up with anything.

I must admit that although I do not regret the breakup, the separation definitely affected me. But nothing would prepare me for the horrific comeback of Aaron's breakup content on Tiktok.

I mean god damn....

There was a point in our breakup where he was also posting really cringey content of him sleeping with this girl he met on TikTok. He was practically making soft core porn on the platform. The dude is 35 ffs.

3/4 of Shorebitch is now married and here I am, the last one standing. I'm beginning to fear that love life will never thrive even though I hope to manifest a marriage, it scares me how most men these days are horrifically challenged.

I finally got my mum to do therapy and she's found it unhelpful apparently. I'm hoping that will change after a couple more sessions since this is the proper first one that is happening.

My god does it feel like the year sort of slowed down this month when it was moving so so fast. urgh...

it is truly tiring

[crescendeyes]

growth is hard especially when you're broken hearted

29 April is when everything officially ended between Aaron and I. The forever person that I rekindled with is now once again out of my life.

We spent 2 weeks travelling from KL to Phuket back to KL and to Taiwan together. Our families met each other, we bought furniture for the house and we even went around the cities spending the best time together.

Alas, not all fairytales exist. We've had arguments that made me feel unsafe. His unkind comments whenever he rages and his selfishness to escalate a disagreement instead of de-escalating; made me realise that this isn't somebody I can see myself feeling safe around.

Early this year when we decided to give things another shot again, I told him that he would not be my priority. My family & career comes first. After 2022's ordeal, I've decided to make it my mission to make and save as much money as I could. To work extremely hard to have that safety net financially so that I could reap the benefits of it in the future in case of a storm or for luxury.

With the death of yet another relationship, I found this one extremely numbing yet not as dramatically painful as it should be. I found myself moping in sadness and pain and yet the silence was so profoundly loud in my serene apartment. I stopped caring bout taking care of myself for a few days.

They said heartbreak is as physically painful as it is mental and emotional. I felt that at every inch of my core. I lost my home, my forever person and my anchor to my life.

Home was where the heart is right?

Aaron was my home. Aaron was the person I woke up to and the person I fell asleep to. He was the one I turn to for forehead kisses and sweaty palms. The kisses my lips land on in the middle of the night and in the dusk of the morning.

I don't think people understand how much I've grieved in the past couple of years. No one truly cares bout me. It was especially apparent in the way things ended the second time around with Aaron. I asked, "How can someone so serious about me decides to end things with me in the most volatile way?"

Eventually that silence sets in and Tristan offered me to foster his cat for a few days - and now its been 4 days and I absolutely love this cat. She's my emotional support cat lol.

Today I had the most intense heart to heart talk with my mom. So much of it was shouting and screaming and crying. So much of it was my mom apologizing and telling me she loves me. I love her too. But inside I felt so extremely sad that I had to tell her I hate her and resent her for letting me suffer through so much in my childhood that it affected my relationships with people growing up.

I dont know what else to do but she promised me to speak to Justin; to mend our relationship. I don't know if this is the legacy she wants to leave behind but if it is, I would be proud of her. This Friday she and I will finally enter Therapy. I truly hope she feels better.

[crescendeyes]

i find myself procrastinating

maybe it was from a post vacation depression or maybe I've lost sight of what my goals are because I've stopped journaling for a long time.

Losing sense of time and self is very possible when you constantly travel and have nothing to ground yourself towards. You forget your goals, whats important and more importantly you indulge too much in the excitement of travel till everything else seems meaningless.

Tonight, I'm reminded that reality sits closer to me as April sets into motion another month of intention. I need to reinforce my goals and remind myself why I'm here.

I felt so sluggish and demotivated this week as I recover from my vacation. I even hurt myself 2 days ago cause I bend down to iron my clothes - who does that? When I literally spent 3 weeks walking around so much. I realise how much I need to keep myself healthy as I edge closer to my 30's.

It's been a fun journey having Aaron around me for the past 2 weeks as we travel to Phuket and Taiwan. Meeting his family was the next step in the relationship I didn't think would come to a fruitful occasion. I also had a the chance to bring him and Momma Chen to meet my family - that was daunting and felt almost impossible that it happened.

It's starting to feel very real now as much as I've been denying this relationship. Cause honestly, till now I still have some doubts towards this relationship when we begin again; I saw some patterns from the past that I didn't know if I should indulge in.

I know for a fact that if I ever do settle down with Aaron, we have his dad's backing but what does that future look like. What does the entirety of growing old look like with Aaron? Sometimes, I feel like his therapist and mentor in relationships. It's true when they say that men never seem to grow up and the only way the mature emotionally is through the guidance of their partner or traumatic experience.

A part of me truly believes that Aaron is attracted to his toxic ways from his past relationships - coupled with the fact that he has a temper and pettiness; begs the question, is he ready for a relationship that doesn't always serve him? Can he be selfless in the face of disagreements? Can he leave his ego at the door when it comes to effective communication and conflict resolution?

These are all valid worries that have been dancing in my mind since we re-started this relationship and it continues to show signs here and there during his visit here.

I had to remind him that my true goal this year was my career and my family; he will always be the third priority. However, I find myself putting him above all of that this time around and I found myself losing sight of my goals and aspirations.

All the things I told myself to do last month, I did none of that. I feel lost and losing control of all my senses. I need to get back into the groove. I need to find ground again and get things sorted. One of the things I am determined to do is to be consistent with my journaling again.

I need to fill in my schedule on what I NEED TO DO on a daily basis or I will lose sight. Also, I really need to do my taxes damn. lol.