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darkhymns-fic · 3 years ago

Text

The Purrfect Salesman (Lying)

Kris runs into a shady figure in a dark alleyway.

They have cat ears.

This is unexpected.

Fandom: Deltarune Characters: Spamton, Kris, Noelle, Queen, Susie, Ralsei Rating: G Word Count: 4577 Mirror Link: AO3 Notes: I wrote this fic around a year ago, (since people discovered him having the Cat element) but with the new Spamton lore reveal and the possible reason why he has this element?? I just think it’s very fun and I realized I never shared this here. Enjoy cat Spamton.

You hear a strange, clanging sound from the nearby dumpster.

It makes you stop in your tracks, though your hand doesn’t reach for your sword just yet. For all you know, it could just be an annoying mouse, trying to find its way out of the dumpster and into another hole in the wall. It could just be an Ambyuu-Lance, searching for anybody in need of some help and/or bullets. It could even be one of those Tasques that liked to bat you around like a little yarn ball.

And when you hear a rather frantic, “ME0W!” you begin to think it must be one of them. You can just sneak by the dumpster and get to that crosswalk-

The dumpster lid flies wide open when you barely take a step.

“HEY EVERY NYA!!! IT’S ME! EV3RY BUDDY ‘S FAVORITE [[Little Meow Meow!]] NYA~ SPAMTON G. SPAMTON.”

The first thing you see are fuzzy, black kitty ears which slowly emerges from the rim of the dumpster. Oh, cute.

…Which is then followed by the gaping mouth of a weird puppet man who is bending his head to the left a little too much, his pink and yellow glasses shining brightly. You can even hear his open mouth rattle unnervingly. Oh. Not cute. NOT. CUTE.

At the very moment he locks eyes with you, you realize you have lost your one measly chance at escape.

“WHOA! IS THAT A-!?” And then the cat-man-puppet jumps out of the garbage, leaping with all the feline grace that he apparently had. Against your own will, you take another look at him and, of course, he has a long silky tail. To match with those black ears of his. And?? Did he have paws?? It was not as easy to tell if what he has are paws or just nubby little puppet hands. But as he lands on all fours in front of you, he holds up those paws of his and gives you the full-frontal view of his toe beans.

Okay, that was kinda cute then. Weird, but cute.

“LIGHT nER! HEY-HE- ME0oooW!!!” He shakes, the yowl reverberating out of his throat like a static mess. You wonder if he has a very bad cold.

You don’t really want to get it yourself so maybe if you take a step back-

“LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE [[In Need of a Fuzzy Friend]]? WELL, LOOK NO MORE!!” He continues to show off his toe beans, but his talking, which is a mixture of static and a yowl, is not exactly drawing you in. “SPAMTON NYA SPAMTON HAS A [[Specil Deal]] JUST FOR YOU AT THIS [[Fine Pet Establishment Inc. 1997]]!!”

You’re afraid of what this cat-man is going to say the very next moment, but even when you try to turn your head away, he darts quick to be right in front of you. His little cat tail is waving around himself erratically. Like, in a not normal-cat kind of way. As if it is just about to leave this very dimension at every wagging motion. Also are his cat ears clipping through his head somehow…?

“I WANT YOU TO [[Adopt Me]] KRIS!!” He hops on all four of his feet – which, doesn’t exactly look right. He still looks very much like a puppet who is bending forwards on his hands and having a hard time even doing so. He struggles to keep the position and half the time stands up anyway, as if the previous action has been hurting his back. “I CAN BE YOUR [[Fuzzy Little Lumpkin!]] THIS WILL MAKE YOU A REAL [[BIG SHOT]]! I [[Satisfaction Guaranteed Or Your Money Back]]!”

You instantly shake your head in the negative.

“WHAT THE [[Paw Patrol]] DO YOU MEAN??! I’M A GOD-DAMNED CAT!!” He hisses through his open mouth, his jaw still rattling, always looking as if it is just about to fall off. “LISTEN, KRIS!! LISTEN! LET ME [[Sweet n’Low™]] THE DEAL FOR YOU!”

With that, Spamton the Cat Puppet leaps right back into the dumpster, making little yowls and hisses as he does so. You really should have left by now, but every time you take a step, Spamton would turn back at you and hiss, his black ears pressing back against his black hair.

Maybe you should wait and humor him a bit.

After a few more minutes, Spamton leaps right back out again, now holding something in his mouth. You wonder if he thinks he looks adorable like this, but with the way he grimaces and sorta drools over the object he is holding, it just looks kinda gross instead…

He then plops the object right at your feet. It’s a Maus, who falls to the ground with a tiny squeak. You have a feeling it’s still alive.

“SEE?? OL’ SPAMTON CAN BE YOUR VERY OWN [[Pest Control Services For Only $49.99 a Month]]!! IT’S A STE4L!”

The Maus clicks around a bit until it gets back up and scurries away into the darkness.

“HEY! WHAT THE [[@#$#$%]]?! I TOLD YA TO STAY [[Killed]]!!”

You once again try to leave, but Spamton gets in your path. He’s on all fours and clearly suffering through it!

“WHOA WHOA WHOA! KRIS!! YOU AIN’T THINKING OF LEAVING YOUR OLD PAL, SPAMTON?! I HAVE [[Fleas, Worms, and Ticks]] THAT ONLY YOU CAN GET RID OF WITH TLC!!”

You do your best to say that you are allergic to cats-

“THAT’S A BOLD-FACED LIE, KID AND YOU KNOW IT!!”

He saw right through that one, didn’t he?

Spamton is scuttling up to you again, clearing his throat a few too many times that you worry if he is about to cough something up… “KRIS! HOW ABOUT DOING THE [[Pet and Feed!!]] SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW YOU’LL LOVE THIS DEAL! PLEASE?! [[I’m so lonely]].”

It’s hard to not feel pity for this cat, even if he is a very weird-looking, very aggressive cat. So you decide to do as he asks, and went to pet his head.

As you do so, you instantly feel the dried gel that he must have used in his hair/fur. But even the hint of you pulling your hand away makes him hiss and screech, so you went back to petting him until he is content and doing what he thinks must sound like purring but is more like…clearing his throat. You try to ignore the icky texture, since with the gel is also mixed in a lot of garbage juice.

Yeah, this is kind of a gross cat honestly.

“NYA~! THANK YOU, KRIS! NO ONE WANTS TO PET [[Number 1 Rated Meow Meow1997]] ANYMORE! BUT I KNEW YOU WERE DIFFERENT!”

He conveniently leaves out the fact that he looks like he is ready to maul your face whenever you are going to do anything else otherwise.

“NOW THAT WE ARE [[Friends Fur-ever❤️]] I CAN JOIN YOU ON YOUR CYBER CITY JOURNEY! IT’S [[downright terrifying]] FOR A KID LIKE YOU! YOU’LL NEED A HELPFUL PAW!”

You have a feeling that no matter what you say, this cat thing isn’t going to let you go.

In all fairness, you’ve been attacked by giant syringes, lanky wire beasts, and nearly been hit in the face with a glass-full of battery acid more times than you care to count. What is one weird cat thing to all of that?

Still, it would have been nice to have a choice in the matter.

“SO KRIS!! [[Deal or No Deal]]?? YOU’LL GET THE [[Top Dog Package]]!! EXCEPT I’M A CAT!” Spamton is shaking. His purring (??) noises grinding out to corrupted glitches. It’s a bit horrifying to witness so you immediately answer in the positive.

The shaking stops. Spamton is whole, a happy little kitty cat with greasy hair. He mews brightly, his glasses gleaming. “NYA~! THEN LET’S GO, KRIS!”

He leaps up once again, this time landing right on top of your head. You make no discernable expression. Even if you can smell the garbage off him way too keenly now. You inform Spamton that he needs to take a bath.

“CATS DON’T LIKE WATER, NYA~! GET IT TOGETHER, KID! I ALREADY CLEAN MYSELF UP LIKE ALL CATS DO!”

Okay, might as well give up on that front. Also, too much information.

So, you’ve gotten yourself a cat now. A very dirty, possibly rabid cat, but you got one. You suppose you can deal with one for the time being. So as if nothing life-changing had just happened, you walk off with your new little meow meow on your head, his paws scratching at your scalp just slightly painfully.

Only after you leave the alleyway with Spamton do you wonder how he knew your (is it yours?) name in the first place.

When you get back to Queen’s car, the first thing she asks you is, “Kris What Did I Tell You About Bringing Strays Back Home?” She looked at Spamton who is still kneading his claws into your head, leaning back in the passenger seat with her drink while you took the wheel once more, for some reason. “I Don’t Want To Get Fur All Over The Upholstery.”

Noelle, still in her ingenious robot disguise, is staring at you through her box-y head. You try to avoid staring too much, due to the craftsmanship of it. “Er, Kris? Who is…what is that?”

Spamton sees his opportunity then, jumping from your head and landing right in front of Noelle, meowing in a very, very grating manner. “HEY THERE, [[My Gal Pal]]!!” He then tries to do a little jig? You are not sure why he even bothered. “ARE YOU READY TO DO SOME PETTING? GIRLS L0VE PETS!!”

You can’t see Noelle’s face through the box, but you can imagine that she’s not enjoying things very much right now. “It- it talks? I don’t…”

Then Spamton leaps towards her so fast, almost violently with the way his back seems to crack, with the way his jaw seems to dislocate so he can keep doing his off-key meowing. “HERE COMES [[Santa Paws]]!”

He latches right onto her face, claws already tearing through the cardboard. And as he does so, Spamton keeps saying “meowmeowowowmeowowowomeow” on loop.

“Get it off get it off of me Kris help me!!!”

You feel it is getting a bit cold in here…

“Okay Everyone Get Out Of The Car Now,” speaks Queen. She grabs both you and Noelle in both arms, leaving her drink in the cup holder. “Guess We’ll Need To Hoof It.”

Of course, as she does so, Noelle’s boxy head falls right off, until Spamton is left clutching only that. He doesn’t seem to notice, furiously gnawing at it like a… well, like a cat that really liked boxes.

“YUM YUM [[Now That’s What I Call Boxmanship]]! GIVE ME ALL THE FIBER YOU HAVE!!”

And once everyone (except cat Spamton) is out of the car, that same car promptly explodes. Nothing was left. Not even a scrap of box or cat.

“Sorry Kris But It Had To Be Done,” said Queen. “Cyber Rabies Here Are No Joke.”

Though right after she said that, she notices Noelle and her box-less head. The red lights on her face read ‘OMG’.

“Oh Noelle Sweetie Gravy Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Queen clasps her hands together, smiling wide. “I Knew You’d Come Back.”

“…Uh oh.”

Before you can even blink, a cage had been calibrated correctly right on top of Noelle. You can only hear her screams as she’s whisked away, along with Queen’s regal laughter.

“I Knew It Was Good To Be Trucies With You Kris. Anyway Catch Ya Later. I Gotta Go Conquer The World Now With Noelle. Come By If You Want To Be Captured Too.”

And just when Queen runs out of there, that’s when you heard a familiar screeching… a familiar yowling.

You look up and see a rather toasty cat man fall from the sky to land right on your face. The force of his descent knocks you right onto your back. Everything is upside down for a long minute.

“KRIS! KRIS!!!” he yells right into your face, making your headache that much worse. “YOU [[Specil Little Slime]]!! DON’T YOU KNOW I HAVE [[9 Lives and Counting]]?! THAT’S THE DEAL YOU CAN’T REFUSE!”

He then begins pawing at your face, his claws a bit sharp, possibly a bit dirty. You hope you don’t need any shots after this.

Looks like you are still a cat owner, to your disappointment.

Susie makes a face as she looks at your forcefully-acquired pet that made his home on your head. “That’s a weird-looking cat.”

Ralsei is smiling, but you knew he is only doing it to be polite. “I think it has a rather unique cuteness! Kris, it’s so nice to know that you’re a pet lover.”

You nod, grateful that at least having this cat puppet man on your head is doing you a few favors. Maybe. Actually, you aren’t so sure on that front. But at least you found your friends after losing Noelle. They’re still in the middle of munching cotton candy. You would have to be sure Spamton doesn’t eat some.

“Seriously, since when were you a cat person, Kris?” Susie asks. She sounds like she isn’t exactly one herself.

After clawing your head some more, Spamton leaps down to greet your friends, smiling wide, which you are sure shouldn’t have been a normal thing to see on a cat. “KRIS! YOU GOT [[Friends]]!? NOW WE CAN BE A [[Buy 3, Get 1 Free]] GANG!”

Susie bares her teeth, hand dangerously close to her ax. “Why does it sound like my laptop right now?”

Ralsei gives a tiny clap with his furry hands. At least his fur is soft and clean. You miss that. “He looks friendly! Did you give him a name yet, Kris?”

“HEY THERE YOU [[Tender Little Lamb]]. I HAVE A NAME ALREADY! IT’S SPAMNYA~ G. ME0OWTON.”

Susie is looking incredibly freaked out. “Okay has this thing, like, been checked? I ain’t good with animals.”

You decide to be brutally honest and tell her you have no idea what the cat man’s problem is.

Ralsei still smiles, gazing down at Spamton who is looking a bit frazzled as he struggles to stay on all fours. “I’m sure if you give him a good home and some food, he’ll start being healthy before you know it!”

“I think this is more than just the cat not having enough freaking kibble.”

In fact, you're wondering that yourself. Because Spamton keeps shaking, his head facing the ground. His back arches slightly, and then you hear some strange hacking noises coming from his throat.

Susie is not having a good time right now. She flinches back, teeth basically jutting out of her mouth in a snarl. “The hell is its problem?!”

“Oh no, maybe we need to give it CPR…”

“WHAT? You can do that, Ralsei! I’m out!”

You kneel next to Spamton, also hoping you wouldn’t have to do so, but you are a cat owner now, so you have to accept some responsibilities. You gently place a hand on Spamton’s back, seeing him continue to heave. You ask if he is okay?

“JUST! A LITTLE HAIRBALL CAUGHT IN MY THROAT! DON’T WORRY ABOUT-” And then he promptly throws up on your shoes.

Susie is yelling, “The FLYING F-”

“Fiddlesticks!” Ralsei slickly interrupts. “He must be really sick if his hairball is that big!”

You suppose he is right, but something about that hairball is…off. It was a bright blue? And it seems to be moving, like it was about to hatch-

Oh. And it does. And from out of that blue shell comes out a dozen tiny little men. Little Spamton heads. They bounce around all happily, and they also all have little cat ears on them. This is the weirdest thing you have ever seen in your entire life.

Spamton looks down at his mini-versions and then gathers them all up in his paws. “LOOK, KRIS! I’M A MAMA CAT NOW!”

Susie slams her ax into the ground with a furious yell. “What the hell is going on right now?”

“Oh wow, Kris. I guess you have a full litter to take care of!”

You didn’t sign up for this.

“ACTUALLY YOU DID! IT WAS A [[Verbal Agreement]].” Spamton holds his egg children tightly, all of them chittering away like…actually you have no idea at all. “THEY’RE ALL I HAVE! PLEASE DON’T [[Sell Them Off to the Kitty Mill]]!” He then proceeds to lick them, cleaning up their dirty faces like a genuine parent cat would do.

Susie is grimacing. “We need to get this thing fixed.”

It’s hard for you to disagree…

Berdly smirks at you as he stands in your way once more, his halberd held high. “Hm, guess you’ve gotten soft, Kris? Who knew you’d be picking up strays now? Haha! But I guess that’s not surprising coming from-”

Spamton suddenly goes feral and leaps for Berdly’s face before you can even blink.

“NATURAL INSTINCT [[Coming in Hot]]!! ALL FOR THE [[Low, Low Price of Irritating Pain]]!!”

“OH MY GOD GET HIM OFF GET HIM OFF-”

You realize this is fast becoming a problem with your cat.

Susie doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to do anything to help, and Ralsei is looking worried but also does nothing, mentioning how he doesn’t want to hurt the poor kitty. “He must have had such a hard life,” he adds.

An idea pops into your head, so you take out a little cat toy that you had bought in the city earlier, one with a toy Maus attached to it.

Spamton’s ears perk up when he hears the little bell ring from it, and quickly unlatches his claws from Berdly’s face to go and bat away at the toy you're waving around. “WOW! THIS IS [[High Satisfaction Guaranteed]]!”

“I can’t…feel my face…” Berdly croaks out, feathers fluttering all around him.

You probably need to train your cat a bit more.

It’s at Queen’s mansion that Spamton starts to act strange. Well, stranger than usual. For one, he is still kneading your skull with his paws, and you just have to accept that.

“KRIS!! THE BASEMENT!” He paws at your head, which for odd puppet cat paws, do not feel so comfortable. “WE MUST GO [[DownDownDown]] AND [[SEAL THE DE4L]]!”

You thought the deal was for him to be your cat now? You even bought the cat food from those Addisons who were all too happy to sell you their stock.

“NO, THE. OTHER. DEAL.” A pause, and then Spamton seals it with a wink and a “[[Nya~~]]. NOW LET’S GET TO IT, KRIS!”

Well, you are supposed to stop Queen, but you also didn’t want to be a bad pet owner…

Susie and Ralsei have been watching you as you stand in front of an open door. You go to tell them to wait here, or Spamton would get irritated.

“Huh? So what?” Susie growls. “Not like I’m gonna eat the dumb thing.”

“NYA!” Spamton hisses, grabbing onto your hair, again, not in a comfortable way. “SPAMTON IS NOT GOOD WITH NEW PEOPLE!”

Ralsei nods. “Makes sense. Some pets get scared of other people they just met.”

“Didn’t this dumb cat and Kris just meet today???”

Spamton is still hurting your head, so you decide to hurry this up and go on ahead. You tell your friends you’ll be back. Your cat just probably wants to go out.

Susie looks grossed out. “Ugh. Good luck with that.”

“I know you’ll do a good job, Kris!”

Spamton is still scratching at your head. “HURRY UP MY [[Little Cungadero]]! WE GOT PLACES TO BE! CAT POSTS TO SCRATCH! ME0WWW!”

Spamton just keeps repeating this same line of dialogue the whole time as you explore this basement. His meows and yowls echo against the walls, traveling back to your ears so you can deal with the damage even more so. You suppose these are just cat owner problems. Though you wish your cat would just take that bath already.

Spamton seems to be steering you through the basement as you explore, grabbing onto your hair and pulling you into going a direction he wanted. Eventually, you come upon a something that’s different from the monotonous atmosphere. Not just crumbling stone and clinging vines; but something made of metal that hangs in-between pillars, its details lost to the shadows.

Your cat goes ballistic just then as if the giant body is full of catnip. He leaps off your head and rushes towards it, quickly disappearing inside it until the last thing you see is his furry tail.

Did you just lose your pet??

You frown, putting your hands on your hips. Bad cat! Get outta there!

You can hear Spamton scurry inside the metal, and so you try to raise your voice a little louder, to show that you are quite angry with him. Bad cat! You don’t know where that’s been!

“I’M BUSY! GO AND [[Please Hang Up and Dial the Number Again]]. I WANT TO BE A FREE CAT NOW!”

You are getting irritated. You even got Spamton his own litter box and everything! The outside was dangerous!

“I’M A FREE CAT!! [[Hear Me Roar]]!! Meowmeowmeowowowow. I DON’T NEED A PET OWNER ANYMORE!”

You sigh. Maybe you should have given Spamton to Tasque Manager when you had the chance.

…No, you can’t think that. Spamton is your cat. He is your responsibility.

You grab onto the metal body and proceed to climb inside. This promptly freaks out Spamton intensely.

“NYA!!! MEOWMEOWOWOWO GET OUTTA HERE! I WON’T BE [[Domesticated]]!!”

The body shakes. You fly out of it and land on the hard floor. And that’s when you see that the body now has a head, and arms, and legs. It’s covered in bright neon pink and blinding orange, all of it haphazardly glued onto the body like an abstract creation. And it’s moving towards you.

…Also, it has cat ears.

“HERE I AM, KRIS!!” shouts Spamton. His pink and yellow glasses sparkle in the dark. Green strings hang up to a unseen ceiling. He moves towards you, each step making another weird meow noise? “I AM THE ULTIMATE [[Cat’s Meow!!]] AND I STILL GOT [[7 Lives Left]]!”

You get up, now knowing your cat has gotten feral. If only you had gotten Spamton his shots like you meant to but the expenses for that are so-

“HEY STOP THAT! I NEVER WANTED TO BE YOUR [[Little Furry Friend!]] IT WAS A RUSE! I’M THE [[King of the Jungle]]! IM HERE TO BE [[Top of the Food Chain]]!! I JUST NEED YOUR [[S O U L]] TO FINISH THE DEAL! ALL WITH THE HELP OF [[Hyperlink Blocked]].”

You ask Spamton about his children. Doesn’t he need to watch over them? Doesn’t he care about them?

His face turns a furious shade of red. “DON’T YOU DARE BRING MY LITTLE PIPIS INTO THIS!”

He holds up what looks like some sort of laser weapon, ready to strike. You step back, but you’re pinned to a wall. You have nowhere to run to. Maybe you really have reached your end. You prepare yourself for what would definitely be a kitty-themed attack aiming straight at you. Maybe a thousand claws will shred you up, or you’ll hit get by more weird hairballs that aren’t made of hair. The possibilities are endless.

And then you see what looks to be plastic cat ears fall from Spamton’s head to the ground. They're perched on a rubber band, the kind that people put on top of their heads…

Spamton lowers his laser weapon, staring at the forlorn head accessory.

The truth is revealed.

That is when Spamton falls to his knees. “I’M A FRAUD, KRIS!!”

You have no words to respond to this.

“I’M NOT A REAL CAT! I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE! BECAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]] ANYMORE! SO WHY NOT?? A [[Cute and Fuzzy]] ANIMAL?? THE INTERNET LOVES CATS!!” He continues to weep, his tail waving behind him. Even if it isn’t real, he is rather dedicated to the cosplay. He then holds up his hands to you, showing off those same toe beans until you notice something… “SEE?? THEY’RE JUST DRAWN ON!”

Spamton begins to cry, loud and very grating. But still, it is sad.

Feeling sorry for him, you walk over to pet him on the head. He looks less garbage-y, so it doesn’t gross you out as much as last time.

Spamton looks to you with teary eyes, his big head a bit intimidating but at least he isn’t about to bite you. Hopefully? You are going to hope really strongly on this.

Wiping away the tears, he reaches for the cat ears, their fake fur a little dirty looking, probably from sweat and also being in the garbage. You wonder if that is where he found the cat ears in the first place…

“IT….It… looks like I couldn’t be anything more than a puppet…OR a cat…” And as he speaks, his giant body shrinks, and soon he is left with just his old self, no longer having either kitty ears or tail. Just a poor little puppet man in his scuffed-up suit. “But… I can see that you are strong. Especially when caring for someone like me.”

You do not mention you had no choice in the matter, but it’s probably better that way.

“My own strings…My own weaknesses… I couldn’t overcome them, but you could. Please. Let me become your strength.”

And with his words, he starts to fade away until… there is nothing left but the dirty cat ears he had been holding, which now floats to your hands.

You have acquired the Purrfect Little Meow Meow!

You don’t want this.

“…Kris…? Kris?! KRIS?!!” Spamton yells from those same cat ears. “YOU’RE GOING TO [[Decline This Limited-Time Offer]] FROM ME?”

These ears are dirty. Also embarrassing. Can’t it be anything else?

“THERE’S NO TIME! WEAR THE CAT EARS! PUT ME ON!!”

Doesn’t Spamton have those fashionable pink and yellow glasses? Why not those inst-?

“NOT [[Cool]] KRIS! PUT. ON. THE. DAMN. CAT EARS.”

You swallow your pride and put on the Purrfect Little Meow Meow!

“Thank you!” You can feel the ears on your head smiling. You are not sure if this is that much more comfortable then before. “Now let’s get moving!”

So you do. You leave that dark basement with the broken body, leave the weird spinning teacups that Spamton had also thrown up his hair (egg?) balls into, and finally make it to your friends who are waiting on top.

Susie is at the door, ax in hand. “Hey, Kris! I was just about to go to you. You were taking so long and-”

She stares at the cat ears you wear on your head. You can see just how badly she wants to laugh.

And then she does, slapping her ax into the ground until it rumbles. “You look so freaking stupid, gahaha!”

Ralsei smiles softly. “Aw, Kris! You really are a cat lover, aren’t you?”

Susie then stops laughing immediately. “Oh yeah, where is that weirdo cat of yours anyway?”

You sigh. You suppose you have some explaining to do.

The sound of meowing still echoes in your ears…

#deltarune #spamton #spamton g spamton #kris deltarune #susie deltarune #ralsei #noelle holiday #fanfiction

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