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cassolotl · 5 years

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Coming off testosterone

I stopped taking testosterone on day 235, May 19th 2019 - 6 days ago, and after just under 8 months of low-dose testosterone. I had 1 pump of Tostran gel per day, which the medication leaflet says is 10mg of testosterone.

WHY DID I START TAKING LOW-DOSE TESTOSTERONE?

I’m nonbinary, and my goal was always to be androgynous. I started taking testosterone to deepen my voice, mainly, but the idea of a more masculine fat distribution on my body was appealing because I also have dysphoria about my hips and slim shoulders. “Passing” as nonbinary isn’t really a thing because most people don’t know that there are more than two genders, so the best I could really hope to achieve realistically was to confuse as many people about my gender as possible. 😈

Changes I wanted:

Deeper voice

Genital changes

Less feminine body fat distribution

Changes I didn’t want:

Facial hair

Hairline changes (but if it happens a little that’s okay)

Loss of hair on head

Body hair

A couple of years ago I had one session of voice therapy (NHS), which was fun and very interesting, but it taught me a couple of things. One was that finding my lower pitches and getting that low resonance by finding my chest voice was definitely helpful and relieved my voice dysphoria. The other was that there was no way I was going to be able to keep up with multiple voice exercises per day to keep it that way. I pretty much decided that day that testosterone was the most sensible option, and even though it was scary I would just have to find a way to deal with the negative effects.

My voice dysphoria was sort of disconnected from my idea of my gender. All I really knew was that my voice needed to be a lower pitch and more resonant. I felt that dysphoria especially when I was talking excitedly or when I was singing. But I also knew that I didn’t want people to mistake me for a man either, and since it’s a very long slow process and quite unpredictable I knew that I would need to be careful to keep track of things to make sure I didn’t start giving myself a new kind of gender dysphoria in the masculine direction!

It was another year or two before the stars aligned and I actually managed to get the can of Tostran into my hands (NHS).

HOW DID IT GO?

As I mentioned above, I was on a low dose, one pump of Tostran per day. One can lasted about 107 days. The endocrine nurse said I could reduce the dose to half if I squirted the gel onto my leg/stomach as usual and then wiped half the gel-dribble off with tissue and threw it in the bin before I rubbed it in, but I never did that. The two-month blood test put my levels at 9.7 nmol or something like that. (Female range is 3 or below, and male range is 10 or above, so I was very nearly almost at the male range.)

The first month I got that scratchy throat feeling, which I now know happens when my voice is deepening, and I noticed my voice getting a little lower. Also I was SO GREASY OH MY GOD, I had to shower twice as much, I had to get some high-powered anti-perspirant deodorant. It didn’t make me spotty, it was just disgusting! But it felt okay because I could tell it was affecting my voice. I also noticed that I smelled different, and that my bedroom acquired that delightful(??) teenage boy smell! Ew. This kicked in properly in under a week, and trailed off around month two, though I still needed to take more showers and wear hardcore deodorant and I was still more greasy for the entire time I was on T.

On day 26 I noticed that my... [flails around wildly for non-dysphoric word] pudendum had gotten a little bigger, and I regret not getting “before T” photos. The growth was fast and a lot more noticeable than I had expected, and it was extremely emotionally intense, because I hadn’t realised but I’d been sort of suppressing and dissociating from genital dysphoria for my whole life. I knew I had genital dysphoria, but not how much or how it was affecting me. I was completely unprepared, and it was overwhelming. (I am very lucky that I was able to access fortnightly gender-specialist talking therapy at Charing Cross GIC during this time.) A few weeks later I started looking into genital surgery options. I think my genitals haven’t changed much in the last 2 months, so I guess it took about 5-6 months to get to where they are now.

Here’s the graph the Voice Pitch Analyzer app [iOS/Android] makes:

And here’s the graph I made myself using data from the app:

In the second graph, the thing I notice right away is that my highest pitch now is lower than my lowest pitch pre-T.

My first month was rapid pitch drop, and then there were a couple of months of wibbling around on a plateau, and then after that things kicked off again, I had a few scattered days of scratchy throat and things started meandering downward. A common pattern was two to four weeks of wild fluctuation and no drop, followed by a sudden drop over a day or two. Sometimes my brain took a while to adjust to a drop in pitch, and I would tire myself out speaking with a higher pitch than my vocal chords really wanted to do.

In the last couple of months I got a lot worse at making the voice recordings, which in hindsight might be because I was less enamoured with being on testosterone, and it was maybe a sign that my testosterone advantages were sort of wrapping up and it was nearly time to stop.

No one who sees me regularly said unprompted that they could hear a difference in my voice. When I asked people if my voice sounded different, they said “ehhh, maybe kinda, yeah?” I learned that testosterone doesn’t make your voice sound different! It makes it feel different, to yourself and to other people. My therapist, who I see (approximately) fortnightly, said she couldn’t tell the difference at all, and when I played her my day 1 voice recording to compare it to my current voice (6 months or so) she was like 😮.

Strangers are still mostly gendering me female, as far as I can tell, but my appearance and my voice means that strangers gender me male a little more often than pre-T. I also get “sir, I mean ma’am, gosh I’m so sorry...” more often. It makes me uncomfortable to make people uncomfortable, so I just usually say “it’s okay, I’m nonbinary so I’m kind of both??”, which rarely makes them less flustered or less confused. I had some cards made years ago that have the nonbinary flag on one side and the definition of nonbinary on the other, which I should just start handing out whenever this happens!

My testosterone dose was too low to stop my menstrual cycle, but it did seem to mellow out the highs and lows. My PMS and menstrual symptoms are generally a nightmare even though I have no uterus to bleed from, so that was a nice relief. It was very strange to experience PMS and boy puberty simultaneously.

I kept records of my specific dysphoria feelings from about 3.5 months, thanks to prompting from my gender-specialist therapist at Charing Cross GIC in London:

The ideal outcome, which I was looking out for, was all of the lines meandering towards that horizontal line in the middle. That would mean the feminine dysphoria was reducing and the masculine dysphoria was reducing.

I am pretty lucky, in that most of the changes I wanted from testosterone are permanent and the changes I didn’t want are temporary or reversible. I made some lines on the graph more bold because those were the ones that I wanted to keep an eye on. Here are my thoughts on this graph:

Facial hair was impossible to score because it gave me both masculine and feminine dysphoria. Feminine because those dark fine hairs on my upper lip are most often seen on cis women, and masculine because they were caused by testosterone and male puberty.

When my pudendum started growing it also gave mixed signals. It was good because it was getting bigger, but as it grew it highlighted that there was a lot going on down there that made me feel feminine dysphoria (mainly labia around my pudendum, and sometimes that it was still relatively small).

I am not a very hairy person. I thought I wouldn’t like having more body hair, and for a few months when I scored my dysphoria I focused on specific patches of new hair and thought about whether I was dysphoric and thought that I wasn’t. After a few months I realised I was being too short-sighted. Yes, I can totally deal with these new fine hairs on my thighs. Yes, this darker and thicker hair on my shins is okay. Sure, these hairs around my belly button are no big thing. But when I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, and saw the hair as a pattern, my whole brain recoiled. Yes, I am definitely dysphoric about masculine patterns of body hair on myself. :S

There was a trend of all types of dysphoria getting less over time - until month 7, when they all started getting worse except voice. It took a while to be sure it was a trend, but looking back on it, that was definitely a thing!

The ideal outcome would be all of those lines converging on the middle horizontal axis, and it hasn’t happened. There are no flawless solutions for nonbinary people at the moment. As things stand and with what’s available to me right now, I will probably always have gender dysphoria. But I’m pretty glad that I’ve done what I can and I will keep doing what I can, because it is all helping.

Unrelated to any gender stuff, I have put on weight and gone up a size or two in trousers and one size in t-shirts. It could just be that I’m in my 30s and my metabolism is slowing, which is what I assumed it was at first, but the weight has come on in quite a short space of time, so that made me think about what I’ve been eating and why. I noticed that I was craving carbs and sugar, eating it, and then feeling unsatisfied afterwards. The type of hunger I’ve been feeling lately feels the same as the type of hunger I had when I had Implanon, a three-year birth control implant. When I had that removed my appetite went back to normal. So this putting on weight feels a lot like a hormonal thing. I have mixed feelings about it! I strongly dislike my clothes feeling wrong and having to buy new clothes, but also bits of me are pleasingly wibbly and it’s fun to be able to rest my cup of tea on my stomach when I slouch. :D

Also unrelated to gender stuff, even on a low dose many of my EDS symptoms were noticeably reduced: fatigue, loose joints, joint pain, IBS, dysautonomia. (Joint pain and fatigue were still present, but not as bad after exertion.) I also noticed that the really vivid dreams and very emotional days that come with PMS mostly disappeared, which I was sad about.

HOW DID I KNOW TO STOP?

People gendering me in different ways has increased lately. Like, a few weeks ago me and @watchkeyphone were trundling about town, and one charity/religion street-hawker person asked if we were sisters, and then a hundred yards later their colleague called us “lads” or something.

A week or so ago, I realised that my voice was sounding and feeling resonant in my chest pretty much all the time and that felt pretty nice, but I was still scoring my voice as sounding feminine, and I wondered if that might be because the changes are so gradual that I just changed my idea of what feminine sounds like. I noticed that I was more comfortable recording my voice to put online for various reasons.

I don’t live in a culture where people go around saying “excuse me sir” or “hello madam”, we don’t routinely gender each other in a formal way. But also, either I don’t have enough casual contact with strangers to notice gendered familiar words like “mate” or “love”, or strangers just avoid using those kinds of words with me because I’m hella queer-looking. So I basically realised that I have no idea how strangers see me or hear my voice at all.

So, in approximately this order:

I put a recording of my voice on the internet and asked strangers to gender my voice. Most of them said androgynous, leaning a little masculine. One person said I sounded like Q, a computer-generated intentionally genderless voice!

I went to a queer social group, and when it came up in conversation naturally I complained about how hard it is to know when to stop testosterone because I can’t tell how my body and voice are gendered by other people, and a lot of people I see regularly still see me the same way as they saw me pre-T. A couple of people said, “actually, in the past couple of months I have really noticed the effects...” So that was reassuring!

I decided to notice how my pitch works in different situations compared to pre-T. After the queer social group we went down to the river and some people swam, and when they got into the water and it was very cold, some of us cheered supportively - and I tried to woo like the “woo girls”, and my voice just came out at a dude pitch instead...! I apparently can’t be high-pitched at high volumes any more.

I watched a video about gender and voice by someone I’ve met in person. When I met them I noticed that their voice was pretty androgynous, and I enjoyed it and thought about how nice it must be to have a voice that can’t be easily gendered by strangers. When I watched this video last week, in which their voice was exactly the same, I noticed that they sounded like me. That was the moment that I realised my voice was done!

I spoke to my PA about it. I played my pre-T voice to her and her face was A Picture, she could not even. She then said that she has quite a feminine voice, and she suggested we each make a recording of our voices reading a paragraph of the book on the table, and then compare to her partner’s voice in a recording. My voice sounded more like her male partner’s voice than like hers.

I can now speak with a comically low deep resonant voice if I want to, and I can also speak with a high cutesy voice in order to address my cat, provided I am warmed up a bit.

HOW DID STOPPING GO?

On the day that I posted the voice file online, when strangers started saying I sounded masculine, I was honestly pretty surprised. In my head strangers in person were still mostly gendering me female, but when I really thought about it people hadn’t actually been gendering me much at all. I think I had been assuming strangers were hearing a woman’s voice because the change had been so gradual that I hadn’t had a moment where I could “update” my own gendering of my voice. I didn’t wake up one day and go “wow I sound like a dude” or whatever, so there was just nothing to update.

So, as soon as there was an indication that I might sound like a man soon, my gut said “NOPE” and I worried a little bit about going too far in the masc direction. If I keep taking T then I will sound more masculine and I might regret it, but if I stop and find that my voice dysphoria could be relieved with a little more testosterone I can start again in a few months, right? So I decided to not take it that day unless I learned/felt something that indicated I should put the gel on, and... I didn’t.

The first couple of days were pretty uneventful. Around day 4 I started to feel really run-down and chronic joint pain from EDS was flaring up, so I cancelled near-future plans. Yesterday was like the worst of my (uterusless) periods, I was in a lot of abdominal and lower back pain and then last night I slept for 11 hours... And today, also typical of my uterusless periods, it feels like a storm has blown over and I feel like a new human.

So what I’ve concluded is, coming off T triggered a very, very bad period.

Also, the past couple of days I have once again been SO GREASY, and I got spots yesterday, which is unusual in itself, but these are striking because they are WEIRDLY HUGE?? One of them is on my jaw and has caused a very noticeable swelling, so I’ve named it Balthazar.

(From “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” S03E12: Nine Days.)

WHAT NEXT?

It’s only been a week, so I’m assuming more weirdness is coming, but it’s all going to be ovary-hormone-related silliness so I’m pretty much used to it and I’m not too worried.

I am sad that I will probably slip back towards feminine body fat distribution. I will probably lose some of the weight that testosterone brought with it, but the remaining weight will probably end up on my hips again. I am really not looking forward to dissociating my hips again but I don’t know what I can do about it except have liposuction every few years?! (I will not do that.)

I am also sad that the bad bits of my menstrual cycle will go back to Full Force, and that my EDS symptoms will worsen again.

I am very much looking forward to my body hair getting finer and lighter, and maybe my upper lip hair will fade a bit too. If not I will probably have to get it painfully removed.

I want a metoidioplasty. Unlike many trans guys, I want no testicular prostheses, no vaginectomy, no phalloplasty, no new urethra. The clinicians at Charing Cross are aware that I want to have a metoidioplasty, because I included it in a letter when I wrote to the endo about a blood test, to make sure my surgery needs are documented in my medical records from the earliest date possible. I did that because they have minimum-time requirements for a bunch of diagnoses and referrals (like, two appointments before hormone treatment recommendation), which you can sometimes get around by providing reasonable counter-arguments. One of their requirements for referring for genital surgery is being on testosterone for at least a year where clinically indicated, so since testosterone has done its job now that means I’m not clinically indicated for testosterone any more, and I’m hoping that being on T for only 8 months shouldn’t be an issue. I also found a blog by a trans guy who had a simple metoidioplasty like the one I want, and his blog posts are really helpful and informative and have good quality non-porn photos (so rare omg), and his junk and my junk are extremely similar in size and appearance. (Here are his before and after pics.) So, fingers crossed the docs will consider that I have been on T for long enough and my pudendum is developed enough that surgery is an option.

I’ve written to the endocrinologist to say that I’ve stopped putting on the Tostran gel, and to ask if I still need to have those blood tests I’m meant to be having. I’m due to see him on 1st July anyway, a little over a month from now, and no doubt I will have saved up a list of questions for him!

CONCLUSION

Testosterone works.

#original posts #cassian's transition #cassian's hormones #low dose testosterone #testosterone

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michellejasek · 3 years

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What’s involved?

(From a lazy, lay-person’s point of view)

I’m not a huge details person. I learned enough to know I was okay to move forward, and otherwise if the details won’t affect my decision, I don’t really care about them. I don’t need to research the hell out of a topic and understand every aspect. I have better things to do with my sanity and brain power. Nothing useful, mind you... but likely more fun or entertaining at least. So I can’t provide a detailed description of the entire process, or all the jargon or lingo, because honestly I don’t care. And, the majority of my research happened 16 months ago, so I can’t say I remember all that anyway.

And, you shouldn’t trust me for all that anyway! But, here’s what I know.

The process starts at the beginning of one’s menstrual cycle. I had assumed I’d need to be off of birth control for a period of time, to ensure my system was clear of it before starting this process. Turns out, that was incorrect. The doctor sent me a list of 6-8 oral contraceptives that had the right types of hormones to get me set up for success, which made planning the trip much more easy. I was able to approximate the day on which my period would begin, and I arrived in Mexico on that day (Wednesday 12 May), as you want to begin taking the drugs between days 1 and 3 of your cycle’s start. One of the contraceptives on the list was Sprintec, which is one I’ve used in the past. It tended to give me headaches, and has more estrogen than some others, so my doctor (regular doc, from whom I got the prescription while still at home) suggested we switch back to my regular one once I’m finished, as unnecessary estrogen can lead to increased risk for breast cancer, etc. But, I wanted to have a solid idea of what day of the week I would start, so I wanted to take Sprintec for a couple months before the trip. But, it turns out that was a couple months before March 2020, and a couple months before November 2020, and a couple months before May 2021. I’ve been dealing with very mild but fairly frequent headaches for a while now. And an attempt at a keto diet for a few months seemed to make them a little worse also. So I’m excited to get back to the normal stuff.

I arrived Wednesday evening, and had my first appointment Thursday morning at 8am. There is a little bit of a language barrier with everyone at the clinic, the masks don’t help, eliminating lip reading, but it’s nothing insurpassible. Everyone speaks very good English compared to my very, very poor (non-existent) Spanish, so I’m grateful for all of them! And if I don’t understand, I shake my head, and they start over again with different words.

I had the aforementioned bloodwork done (HIV test, Hep A, B, fertility hormones, etc).

Then I met the doctor (Dr Romero, male), who was accompanied by a female nurse (who was with me most of the time), and another woman who I believe he said was a resident. He explained a little of the process, asked if I had questions (I really didn’t yet), and then in the adjacent room I disrobed and prepped for my first vaginal ultrasound, which was painless and easy. I will provide details later, just want to provide an overview as I understand it right now.

Besides a temp check upon arriving (all businesses in Mexico check your temp as you walk in, restaurants, grocery stores, car rental office, ferry terminals, condo complex security guards, etc), they didn’t take any vitals. I guess that’s the largest difference I noticed from the US. Does it really matter what my blood pressure was for my purpose there? Maybe would be a good thing to know before the phlebotomist drew my blood...? A little strange. If they don’t take my vitals before putting me under general anesthesia I’d probably inquire...

Then I spoke to the cashier, and paid the balance of my bill. I had paid $1,500 via paypal in January 2020, so I owed the balance of ~$3,500. She explained the cost had gone up slightly since then, but they were honoring the price they quoted last year. I have a high-deductible health insurance plan, so I contributed more to my HSA in Dec 2019, and maxed out my contributions in 2020 and am paying all of this pre-tax. According to my HSA, funds can be used on medical costs in other countries as long as it’s not a procedure or supplies that are illegal in the US.

I didn��t start my period until later Wednesday night, so they told me to begin the drugs Thursday evening (day 1). The nurse described and demonstrated how to administer the two injections, once a day between 3-6pm. Both medications have to be refrigerated. One (Gonal, 225 UI) is a pen much like an epi-pen, but it has several doses in one pen, so I select the dosage on the pen itself via a click-wheel, attach a new needle to the end, and after inserting it, depress the end until the dial returns to zero. The other (Merapur, 75 UI) is a classic glass vial from which I draw a small dose, again the same vial contains several doses. I was a little bit worried about being brave enough to inject myself. My brother and mom both said they would do it if I wasn’t able, but... it’s not as bad as I expected. Not fun, of course. But, not terrible.

I will return to the clinic on days 5, 7, and 9 for more ultrasounds. They’ll monitor my progress, tweak meds if necessary, and decide on day 9 when I’ll be ready to harvest. That will occur somewhere around days 10-12. The 10th day is a Sunday, so I think it will be day 11 or 12. Our return tickets to Denver are on day 14, so I should have a rest day if I need it.

I will provide more details later about the procedure, because I’m sure I’ll know more. I’ve only administered two doses thus far, and don’t yet have any side-effects. My brother is likely a more accurate source for if I get bitchy or not.

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jesseneufeld · 4 years

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Is Stevia Safe, or Bad for You? Everything You Need to Know

After cutting back on sugar and carbs for a while, you understandably start to miss sweets. A common misconception is that you have to skip sweets to meet your goals, which isn’t the case at all. There are plenty of sugar alternatives that fit within the Primal and keto lifestyles, and stevia is one of them.

Stevia is widely used in the low carb community to satisfy sugar cravings or simply add a touch of sweetness to a hot beverage or dessert, but should it be? What is stevia? Is it safe? What is its effect on insulin, if any, and does it have a place in a Primal Blueprint eating strategy? Let’s investigate.

What Is Stevia?

A lot of people categorize stevia as an artificial sweetener, but it’s important to note that stevia is not an artificial sweetener at all – it’s a plant-derived natural alternative to sugar.

Stevia is an herbaceous family of plants, 240 species strong, that grows in sub-tropical and tropical America (mostly South and Central, but some North). Stevia the sweetener refers to stevia rebaudiana, the plant and its leaves, which you can grow and use as or with tea (it was traditionally paired with yerba mate in South America) or, dried and powdered, as a sugar substitute that you sprinkle on. It’s apparently quite easy to grow, according to the stevia seller who tries to get me to buy a plant or two whenever I’m at the Santa Monica farmers’ market, and the raw leaf is very sweet.

Instantly download you Guide to Gut Health

The Sweet Compounds in Stevia: Stevioside and Rebaudioside

Most stevia you’ll come across isn’t in its raw, unprocessed form, but in powdered or liquid extract form. The “sweet” lies in the steviol glycosides – stevioside and rebaudioside – which are the natural compounds isolated in these extracts. Some products use just one, while others use both stevioside and rebaudioside. Stevioside is the most prevalent glycoside in stevia, and some say it provides the bitter aftertaste that people sometimes complain about; rebaudioside is said to be the better tasting steviol glycoside, with far less bitterness.

Most of the “raw or natural” stevia products use the full range of glycosides, but the more processed brands will most likely isolate one or more of the steviol glycosides. The popular Truvia brand of stevia products uses only rebaudioside, as do both PureVia and Enliten. Different brands provide different conversion rates, but compared to sucrose, stevioside is generally about 250-300 times as sweet and rebaudioside is about 350-450 times as sweet.

Is Stevia Safe, or Bad for You?

The government has approved only isolated steviol glycosides as safe to use in food. Whole or crude stevia is not Generally Recognized as Safe (GRAS) according to government standards.1

And, there are limits. According to government standards, you should not exceed a daily intake for stevia glycosides of 4mg per kg of bodyweight.2 This is due to lack of safety information, not so much the presence of known harmful effects.

Does Stevia Affect Insulin?

I wrote an extensive piece on whether artificial sweeteners spike blood sugar a while back. There is one in vitro study that showed stevioside acts directly on pancreatic beta cells to stimulate insulin secretion and another which shows similarly insulinotropic (insulin-producing) effects of rebaudioside, which may give you pause.

Insulin secretion sounds like an insulin spike, no? And since we tend to be wary of unneeded insulin spikes, maybe we should avoid stevia. It’s not so simple, of course. For one, this was an in vitro study, performed in a super-controlled laboratory petri dish type setting; this was not an in vivo study of animals or people eating stevia in a natural, organic way. The results of in vitro studies do not always match results when you try to replicate them in vivo (in a person).

Secondly, insulin secretion isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I mean, we need it to shuttle nutrients into cells, and we’d die without it. As I mentioned in the dairy post a while back, insulin is millions upon millions of years old. It’s been preserved throughout history because it’s an essential hormone. It’s not always the bad guy, especially if your insulin sensitivity is where it should be.

In fact, the evidence is mounting that stevia actually is an insulin sensitizer that can aid in glucose tolerance and clearance after a meal. The Japanese have been using stevia for decades in the treatment of type 2 diabetics. Let’s look at a few recent studies. In fructose-fed rats, a single instance of oral stevioside increased insulin sensitivity and reduced postprandial blood glucose in a dose-dependent manner. The same study also found that diabetic rats given stevioside required less exogenous insulin for the same effect. Taken together, these results suggest that stevia may not just be a good sugar substitute for diabetics, but an effective supplement for treatment of their insulin resistance.3

Another study looked at the postprandial effects of stevia, sucrose, and aspartame in human subjects. Compared to sucrose eaters, stevia eaters showed lower postprandial (after eating) blood sugar levels. Compared to both sucrose and aspartame eaters, stevia eaters had far lower postprandial insulin levels. Furthermore, eating stevia did not induce increased appetite throughout the day, indicating stable blood sugar and satiety levels.4 Another strike in stevia’s favor.

Stevia-sweetened recipes:

Keto Donuts Recipe

Matcha Mint Keto Green Smoothie Recipe

Grain-free Waffles Recipe

Stevia Side Effects

Allergy to stevia has been reported, but it is rare.

Most people do not experience side effects when using stevia, but some people do experience effects like:

Stomach Issues

Nausea

Gastrointestinal discomfort

Bloating

Diarrhea

Most often these effects are from using stevia that is mixed with sugar alcohols, like erythritol or xylitol. If you can tolerate sugar alcohols, you will probably be okay using combination stevia and sugar alcohol products. To be sure, start slow, and watch for symptoms.

Diabetic Concerns

Stevia is considered safe for the diabetic population, but sometimes it is combined with ingredients that affect carb count, like dextrose and maltodextrin. If you’re diabetic, check your ingredients label and carb counts before adding it to food.

Fertility Issues

Historically, stevia has been used as a form of birth control, so use of stevia may contribute to fertility issues.5 That said, it is not a reliable form of birth control, so it’s not advisable to use it for that purpose.

Any Other Effects?

There are other potential benefits to using stevia unrelated to its apparent benefits on glycemic control. Here are a few studies I was able to dig up:

When combined with inulin, a soluble prebiotic fiber, low-dose stevia increased HDL while lowering overall lipids in male rats.6 Alone, low-dose stevia lowered cholesterol without the potentially beneficial effect on HDL. It’s also useful to note that high-dose stevia negatively affected some toxic parameters – so don’t eat spoonfuls of stevia (not that you would) – but long term low-dose stevia was deemed safe.

Lipid numbers are fun and all, but we’re really interested in avoiding atherosclerotic plaque buildup. In mice treated with stevioside, oxidized LDL was reduced, overall plaque volume was reduced, and insulin sensitivity increased. Overall, atherosclerosis was reduced in the stevioside-treated mice.7 I couldn’t dig up exactly how they were “treated,” however, but they were given doses of 10 mg/kg.

In another study, mice memory was impaired by administration of scopolamine, an anticholigernic found in the intensely hallucinogenic jimson weed (or devil’s weed) and datura. Impaired mice were given oral stevioside (250 mg/kg) and tested for memory retention. Memory deficit was largely reversed with administration of stevioside, which also reduced the brain oxidative damage caused by scopolamine.8 Clinically relevant? Perhaps not, but it’s interesting.

A two-year randomized, placebo-controlled study of Chinese patients with mild hypertension (which a rather large swath of society probably suffers from) found that oral stevioside intake significantly reduced systolic and diastolic blood pressure.9 Patients either took a 500 mg capsule of stevioside or a placebo three times a day for two years. The hypertension situation improved across the board and no downsides were reported or detected. Also of note is the fact that slightly more patients in the placebo group developed left ventricular hypertrophy, a pathological thickening of the heart muscle. Of course, another study using far lower doses (up to 15 mg/kg/day) found no anti-hypertensive effects,10 so it appears that the dose is key. Maybe somewhere in the middle works well, as one study in hypertensive dogs showed: they used 200 mg/kg to normalize blood pressure in the canine subjects.11

We can think about stevia as a Primal sugar alternative with some potentially beneficial effects. Kind of like cinnamon or turmeric, we don’t consume it for the calories or as literal fuel for our bodies, but for flavor, variety, and, possibly, the health benefits. It may induce insulin secretion, but it increases insulin sensitivity, reduces blood glucose (i.e., the insulin is doing its job), and does not increase appetite. It’s been used by humans for hundreds of years and by diabetic patients in Asia for decades. I’m a fan of the stuff and recommend it as a Primal way to satisfy a sweet tooth.

What do you guys think of stevia? Love it? Hate it? Have you ever used its potential therapeutic effects? Let me know in the comment section!

(function($) { $("#dfzj0eG").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfzj0eG" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.fda.gov/about-fda/fda-basics/has-stevia-been-approved-fda-be-used-sweetener

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5591507/table/Tab1/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16278783

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20303371

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17744732/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21089163

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20010904

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20871768

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14693305

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16775813

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12444299

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lauramalchowblog · 4 years

Text

Is Stevia Safe, or Bad for You? Everything You Need to Know

What Is Stevia?

A lot of people categorize stevia as an artificial sweetener, but it’s important to note that stevia is not an artificial sweetener at all – it’s a plant-derived natural alternative to sugar.

Instantly download you Guide to Gut Health

The Sweet Compounds in Stevia: Stevioside and Rebaudioside

Is Stevia Safe, or Bad for You?

The government has approved only isolated steviol glycosides as safe to use in food. Whole or crude stevia is not Generally Recognized as Safe (GRAS) according to government standards.1

Does Stevia Affect Insulin?

Stevia-sweetened recipes:

Keto Donuts Recipe

Matcha Mint Keto Green Smoothie Recipe

Grain-free Waffles Recipe

Stevia Side Effects

Allergy to stevia has been reported, but it is rare.

Most people do not experience side effects when using stevia, but some people do experience effects like:

Stomach Issues

Nausea

Gastrointestinal discomfort

Bloating

Diarrhea

Diabetic Concerns

Fertility Issues

Any Other Effects?

There are other potential benefits to using stevia unrelated to its apparent benefits on glycemic control. Here are a few studies I was able to dig up:

What do you guys think of stevia? Love it? Hate it? Have you ever used its potential therapeutic effects? Let me know in the comment section!

(function($) { $("#dfoRxaN").load("https://www.marksdailyapple.com/wp-admin/admin-ajax.php?action=dfads_ajax_load_ads&groups=674&limit=1&orderby=random&order=ASC&container_id=&container_html=none&container_class=&ad_html=div&ad_class=&callback_function=&return_javascript=0&_block_id=dfoRxaN" ); })( jQuery );

References

https://www.fda.gov/about-fda/fda-basics/has-stevia-been-approved-fda-be-used-sweetener

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5591507/table/Tab1/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16278783

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20303371

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17744732/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21089163

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20010904

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20871768

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14693305

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16775813

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12444299

The post Is Stevia Safe, or Bad for You? Everything You Need to Know appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

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folieadank · 6 years

Text

Day 0

[Sorry, I’m on mobile and can’t insert a cut]

I’ve had some trouble with motivation and focusing since I started college, perhaps even before I finished high school. Still, these issues didn’t impact me too severely in high school. In college, however, I slipped from an A student to barely a C student. I’m having trouble really caring about anything that happens to me, including school. Everything ahead of me looks bleak and feels muted.

I declared my major in neuroscience over a year ago, but had to take my spring semester of my sophomore year off due to financial difficulty. I worked full time, but found I had little interest in doing much of anything else than sleeping or scrolling through Tumblr in my spare time. My family and friends began to become annoyed/concerned with me, as I would ignore their messages and calls for weeks and even months.

In March, I began to struggle with suicidal ideation. I have some trouble taking myself seriously, because I never attempted or even came close to attempting, but I thought about it a LOT. Fantasized, even. I thought about what clothing I would wear, what song I would listen to, and how and where I would. Eventually, I got my period, and those thoughts went away. I felt kind of silly for even having thought so much about it.

I felt good going into this semester at school. I was excited for my classes (molecular neuroscience, brain and behavior, elementary Arabic, and microbio + lab), and I had managed to put together a really nice schedule for myself. I had a plan for studying and staying ahead of - or at least keeping up with - my classes. I was showering regularly (something I’d been struggling with for the last two years). I even found my textbooks as cheap e- books!

About a week in, I realized I was having lots of difficulty focusing and staying on task. I went to all my classes, and sat down in the library intending to get all my work done, but I just...didn’t. I usually ended up staring at the words without reading them, or falling asleep, or procrastinating for multiple hours. At first, I told myself that it was okay to have a bad day, but every day was a bad day. I then told myself I just needed some time to readjust to school - after all, I had taken a semester off, followed by a summer.

I began to miss classes, and eventually, the first exam for each class arrived over about a 2 week span. I told myself I’d do my best on each one of them, and then start fresh.

I missed my first neuro exam - thought it was a week later than it was. I missed half of my first Arabic exam, and bombed the other half. I resolved to stop by my prof’s office hours and talk to her. I never did, and I haven’t been to class since (late September, I think, or maybe early October).

I began to wonder if I was in the wrong major (still do), but I couldn’t (still can’t) think of anything I’d rather be studying. I love learning neuroscience, it’s just that I can’t concentrate long enough to learn anything.

I began to lack the motivation to even get out of bed. I did anyway, because I had to, but I didn’t shower brush my teeth, change my clothes for sometimes a week at time. I would eat sugary foods until I made myself dizzy. I missed class after class and still tried to study, but my efforts were ineffective. My suicidal ideation came back, stronger than before, but I was terrified of attempting unsuccessfully, and the consequences that would follow. I also have to admit that I’m a person of faith, and I’m frightened of what may come after death. I want to note that although I use past tenses here, all of this is very current

In high school, I took birth control for my period and metformin for insulin resistance. I haven’t since I moved states to attend school. I expressed how I’ve been struggling to my mom (minus the suicidal thoughts), and she implored me to see our family doctor and get back on my meds. She told me I have known issues with my hormones, and that your hormones affect you in ways you don’t even think of. I saw her yesterday (a nurse practitioner at our family practice, whom my mom likes better than the doctor there). She had me fill out the depression questionnaire, and prescribed me a low dose of Wellbutrin. She also sent me for bloodwork, to check my blood sugar and thyroid and stuff, since it’s been so long.

I haven’t taken any yet, and I’m very nervous about it. I feel kind of strange that she prescribed an antidepressant right off the bat, when we’d only just met. I don’t really think I need an antidepressant, I’m worried about the side effects I don’t think it will help me. I can’t imagine not feeling this tired and hopeless and worthless all the time.

I’m going to try anyway - I can’t finish school like this, and I don’t have a backup plan. I guess I just wanted to document this, and I don’t trust myself to keep a written journal, so I’ve decided to use one of the URLs I have saved on my main.

I apologize again for no readmore. I’ll use them on my laptop in the future. I just needed to write down what led me to this point.

#long post #depression #wellbutrin #suicidal ideation cw #suicidal thoughts cw

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vandalsandvagrants · 6 years

Text

"He won't even look at me anymore," Suzy sobbed into the phone.

"Oh, stop it. You just delivered and you're hormonal. He's probably afraid you'll bite his head off."

"Gee, thanks."

"Oh, hell. Look, I'm at work. Freddy hasn't exactly been the man of steel of late, and I know where you're coming from. When I delivered Fred Jr., I put my teenage daughter to shame. And you know what a cock hound Rachel is."

"I'm dying, Brenda. I'm in such need of a good....fucking."

"Christ, Suze, what do you want me to do? Lez out on you or something?"

"No, I just wanted some sympathy, damn it!"

"Look, we got ten admissions going on, Doc Ritigliano is cursing me in Italian, the nurse just ran out in tears. The trash hasn't been emptied in a week. I can't spare you any sympathy right now. It's not that I don't care, but I'm not in a position where I can play girlfriend right now."

"All right."

"Oh, fuck, don't even give me that wounded puppy voice. I know Freddy and Steve are off to Lake Pickwick for a weekend fishing trip. I get off at ten, if I'm lucky. What say I grab a bag and I'll spend the weekend with you and the baby?"

"Mom has little Jimmy."

"Even better, I'll bring a fifth with me."

"I can't drink."

"Of course you can. You aren't pregnant any more."

"But I'm still breast feeding."

"So what? You got a pump. It'll all be out of your system before the rugrat is back."

"Brenda!"

"Oh, fuck. Look, I gotta go. See you around eleven."

Brenda Miles hung up and let out a big sigh. Being the admissions nurse at Baptist was bad enough, but on a Friday night, with a gang war going on and the janitorial staff on strike, it was sheer hell. She just didn't have time to stroke Suzy's ego tonight. Not that she felt bad about blowing her off, Suzy could be a real pain in the ass when she was in JAP mode. Which was all too often since she got pregnant.

Actually, Suzy was a high maintenance pain in the ass most of the time. She could also be the most kind, considerate and generous of friends. The problem was, she was strung tighter than a wasp waist corset. Brenda kept up the hope that she would eventually let her hair down and learn to enjoy life. It was a fading hope, as Suzy had become insufferable after the kid was born, obsessing over her weight, the kid, the house and Steve's seeming disinterest. Brenda hated to admit it, but she had been avoiding her friend. Suzy was just more emotionally draining than Brenda could handle at the moment.

She knew from Freddy that Steve was having his own problems with his wife. Brenda had coaxed Freddy into taking Steve out and giving him a talking to. The boy was getting desperate, and she couldn't deal with Suzy going through a divorce. But if the girl didn't lighten up, she was gonna drive Steve to it.

Brenda laughed out loud, causing several people to stare.

Good old Freddy. King of the horn dogs. His solution had been they try wife swapping. She wasn't that into Steve, but she had to admit, if anything would loosen Suze up, Freddy's cock would do it. Not only was he fantastically hung, but he knew how to use it, and imagining little Suzy with Freddy's black dick slamming her pussy was about the funniest thing she had thought of in a long time.

Actually, it wasn't just funny, it was kind of hot. Suze was a dish, even if she didn't know it. Back in their early swinging days, Brenda had been pretty naïve. Once she got started though, she had gone a little cunt crazy. She told herself it was just a passing thing, she hadn't been with another woman in a couple of years. The couples they regularly partnered with were pretty much straight. And none of the wives really did much for her anyway, but Suze? She had to admit, she could get into that.

Of course, it was all the more funny because Suze would never go for it. Steve would, Brenda had seen him surreptitiously checking out her tits and ass when they had pool parties. But Suze? Not with all the rum in Jamaica in her.

Brenda paused in the middle of her admission paper work and frowned. No, you couldn't get Suze liquored up enough. But what about drugged up? She pushed the thought from her mind and went back to her paper work, but it kept coming back. On her break, Brenda slipped into the pharmacy and perused the shelves.

Most of the tranquilizers were just too strong. And she wasn't real knowledgeable about the psychoactives. Several painkillers might work, but they might also make her sick. Brenda had only entered on a lark and was about to leave, chalking the whole crazy thought up to the bad idea column, when she saw the bottle of Cainockflorin. It was a new drug, and only Doc Ritigliano used it. He was still heavily loyal to the old country and the fact that an Italian firm had developed it made it good enough in his estimation.

He only gave it to the real whackos, but it really seemed to work on them. She had seen him calm a Schizoid-affective down from homicidal rage to sleepy and fuzzy with a single shot of the stuff. Curious, she grabbed the work up on it and took it back to the break room.

She read through all the cautions first and was surprised to find there were very few. She noted pregnant or nursing women wasn't among the proscribed patients list. The side effects were interesting as well.

Common side effects include: Drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, impaired judgment, impaired vision, confusion/disorientation, short term memory loss and impaired concentration.

Rare Side effects: Enhanced Tactile sensation (particularly in the extremities), Muscle soreness, breathing difficulty, Somnambulism, Hallucinations, Incontinence

In clinical trials one patient in 100,000 experienced an allergic reaction, which resulted in coma. Of these reactions .001 percent resulted in death. This side effect must be treated immediately with epinephrine delivered intravenously as well as antihistamines and oxygen.

Cainockflorin should not be administered to patients with Asthma or other breathing difficulty, taking Corticoid-steroids or opiate painkillers as either could result in breathing arrest.

Pretty powerful stuff. Brenda immediately discounted the coma and death warning. She had come to realize that was more legalese then medicalese. All the big pharmaceutical outfits were covering their asses now with such disclaimers. Even her birth control pills had such a warning, but when she asked, Dr. Palmer told her no one had ever died from them that he knew of. Suzy didn't have any breathing problems she was aware of, but it wasn't like Brenda knew her full medical history.

Brenda decided it was just a nutty idea and on her way back to the nurse's station, she stopped into the Pharmacy to return the paperwork to its cubby. She had intended to just leave, but she found herself alone and eyeing the two bottles of Cainockflorin. It only came in two oral doses, a .25 mg maintenance dose and a .5 mg intervention dosage. Anything more had to be given intravenously under a physician's supervision. The Doc eschewed the .5 mg dose, preferring to give the .25 incrementally until his patients calmed. Thus the .25 bottle was three quarters empty, but the .5 mg bottle was almost full.

Brenda found herself doing some quick arithmetic. Five hundred tablets, of which, maybe twenty were gone. That was over the roughly six months it had been available. Last inventory had been in April, so...roughly five more months till the admins got their panties in a wad or the state came in, necessitating a new inventory. Her hand was on the bottle and she was spilling two tabs out before she even really realized it. Stashing them in her coat pocket, she returned to the admissions desk and spent the rest of her shift debating the consequences of her crazy plan. ***

"Hey babe, miss you," Freddy's voice came over the line.

Brenda had just gotten in and was still half dressed when the phone rang. "Yeah, like I'm buying that. A weekend of fishing, lying and getting drunk is your idea of paradise," she replied, but there was no venom in her voice.

"Damn, woman, I can't even try to be nice to you, can I?" he chuckled.

"Sure you can, if Viagra is on sale."

"Ouch. Low blow there."

"You know I'm full of shit, babe."

"Yeah, but the dick jokes gotta stop. A man has his pride."

"So how's it going?" Brenda asked, as she tossed her eighteen-hour bra into the hamper.

"I....Look, I know she's your friend and all, but Stevie's mine. She's killing him, babe. She can't even loosen up a little bit. Even when he can get it, the sex is missionary only and she acts like it's a chore. It's just destroying his self-esteem. He loves her, but he's at the end of his rope."

"Damn."

"I even approached him about some swappin', but while he was hot as hell to get into your pants, he said there was no way she'd try it. I don't think this marriage is going to make it, babe. I'm sorry for that, she's a sweet girl sometimes, but I can't try to convince him to stay. Not after all he told me on the trip up."

Freddy..." she said, her tone turning icy.

"Awww, shit, don't do that, babe. I'm not gonna egg him on to leave her, but I just can't lean on him to stay. I know I'd be outta there in a heartbeat."

"If she loosened up some, do you think they would make it?" she said after a deep sigh.

"Sure. He's still in love with her, and he's about the proudest papa I ever did see. If she dropped the Princess crap and was even close to normal, he'd gut it out."

"All right, you tell Steve to hang in."

"I've heard that voice before. You about to read her the riot act?"

"No. I'm going to cut some corset strings and see what busts loose."

"Uh oh."

"What?"

"Nothing. I love you to death, babe, but I've heard that tone before. I know I wouldn't want any part of it. I'll keep Steve-o from bolting, but you have to tell me if nothing happens. I ain't sending the poor boy home to any more of what he's been gettin'."

Brenda pulled into the potholed parking lot and killed the engine. She checked her purse for the .32 she habitually carried, and took a deep breath. Getting out, she approached the garishly lit entrance and passed through the dilapidated door. Just inside, a kid with more tattoos and body piercings than a sideshow freak looked up from the book he was reading. She glanced at the title and laughed, Plato's the Republic. College kid, she decided.

"ID?" he inquired in a bored voice.

Brenda showed it to him and passed through the dark curtains and into the interior. She hadn't been to an adult store in ages, but they were all the same. She had picked this one, despite the bad neighborhood, because she knew one of the clerks. She just hoped Dana was on. She spotted her friend, helping a fat man in conservative business attire select a butt plug. Dana looked up, smiled and winked and went back to her customer. Once she had made the sale she came over and gave Brenda a hug.

"Fancy seeing you here, Freddy not living up to his rep?" the tall girl said as she hugged Brenda.

"He's still the man of the house," Brenda said with a laugh.

"So what brings you to Homo central?"

"I need some help."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I got a girlfriend who needs to get her ass laid, but good."

"You planning on doing the laying?"

"Yeah."

"Bren, I don't mean to be bitchy, but you aren't a top."

"Tonight I'm gonna be."

"Cool, what do you need?"

"Damned if I know, that's why I came to the expert."

"Well, tell me a bit about this girlfriend, then."

"She's a good girl, Dee. But she's about to loose her husband and a lot more. She's got some hang-up that keeps her from enjoying sex, and I think that's what has her so fucked up. She's a ball of stress and she won't relax or loosen up even a tiny bit. She's been playing princess for the past year or so, and it's just worn thin on everyone. I think she even knows it, but she seems incapable of stopping herself."

"So how you planning on bedding her? Think she might be a closet dyke?"

"No."

"Look, Bren, ain't none of my business, but if she's that fucked in the head, how you planning on getting her into the sack? I've bedded a few happily married women, but it's a damned frustrating deal getting them to lose the panties."

"She's going to lose them whether she likes it or not."

"Ooooo-Kay. I take it you aren't taking no for an answer."

"Damned skippy, I'm not."

"All right, well, let's see about some restraints then. You got a stick?"

"No."

"Well, we got some good harnesses," Dana said, leading Brenda over to one wall.

The tall butch selected a box and handed it to Brenda, who examined it curiously.

"How do you use it?"

"Self explanatory, no more difficult than putting on a pair of pants. It'll handle most any cock you choose."

As she spoke, Dana indicated a huge and bewildering array of dildos on the racks along the wall.

"Jesus H. Christ," Brenda whispered.

"Don't let the selection intimidate you. A dick's a dick's a dick. Choosing one is all about knowing what you want to do with it. Once you're clear on that, it practically picks itself," Dana said with an encouraging squeeze of Brenda's shoulder.

"I see."

"Just tell me what you want babe, I'm here to help."

Brenda thought about it for a few moments.

"I've gotta rock her world, Dee. She's gotta cum like she's never cum before, and she's gotta end up liking it."

"Petite girl? Big Girl? What?"

"Petite. Really petite."

"Experienced?"

"No. Not really."

Dana went to the rack and grabbed a monster dildo. Even Brenda, who was used to Freddy's horse dick balked.

"Most have funny names, puns and the like, or are modeled on porn stars. But this one, they just call it the Bitch Tamer. If you're dead set on fucking up her world view, this is the one you want."

"I don't think she can take that," Brenda said, hefting the thick and heavy dildo.

"Bullshit, Bren. Get her hot enough and she'll be begging for it. Unless you plan on some ass fucking, that's my recommendation."

"Hadn't thought about any ass fucking, but it might be just what she needs," Brenda said, still awed by the huge dildo.

Dana laughed and moved down the row, she came back with a long, thin and strangely shaped cock in clear latex. While she was away, Brenda considered the big dildo. It just looked too ridiculously large, but she decided she would trust Dana's judgment. She would only have one shot at this and it would be a shame to fail because she wasn't hung well enough.

"This will do for her backdoor. It was designed by a flaming queen of a doctor. It's scientifically contoured to give the most pleasure without doing any damage, so you can tear her up and not have to be worried about it." "All right. Dee?"

"Yeah?"

Brenda held up the Bitch Tamer and smiled.

"Does it come in black?"

***

Despite her detour, Brenda made it to Suzy's place with fifteen minutes to spare. She shouldered her overnight bag, but left the special bag on the car seat. She still wasn't sure she was going to go through with it, but she was prepared to take drastic action if discussion failed.

She knocked on the door and Suzy answered.

"Hey, Babe," Brenda said, barging in and giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Hey," her friend replied.

Brenda deposited her overnight bag on the sofa and hurried upstairs. She locked herself in the couple's bathroom and quickly scanned the medicine cabinet. When she had satisfied herself neither was using a rescue inhaler or taking anything more dangerous than aspirin, she relieved herself and went back downstairs. She smiled at Suzy and moved to the bar.

"So what's the plan?" Brenda asked as she fixed herself a rum and coke.

"I don't know. I can't get my mother on the phone to make sure the baby is all right and Steve hasn't called. I swear, I'm starting to think he's having an affair."

"Men are like that. If they aren't getting it at home, they go bird doggin'," Brenda said carefully.

It seemed like a good lead in. She was going to try to reason with Suzy first, but if that failed, she was now pretty much prepared to try the second option.

"That's not very nice."

"Oh, hell, Suzy. You gotta keep your man happy. I'm not going to lie to you."

"I've tried."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," she said defensively.

"So what have you tried?"

"The usual things."

"Get some sexy lingerie?"

"No, of course not."

"Meet him at the door naked and on your knees?"

"Brenda! There's no need to be so crude."

"Men like crude sometimes. You should try it."

"I'm not a whore!"

"I meet Freddy naked at the door, with a beer and a blow job at least once a month. You sayin' I'm a whore?" Brenda replied, her voice icy.

"No. You know I'm not. Let's change the subject, 'kay?"

"No, not yet. Just what have you tried, Suze?"

"Just regular stuff. You know, letting him know I would let him if he wanted to."

"Did you ever tell him you wanted to?"

"No, I'm not like that," she said blushing.

"Girl, a man's got a fragile ego. He has to feel wanted."

"I want him. I really do."

"But have you ever told him that?"

"No."

"Suze, you gotta loosen up. Nobody wants to be married to his mother in law."

"Bren, you're really pissing me off. Let's just drop it, okay? You just don't understand."

Oh, I understand perfectly, she thought. The only question is, can I make you see the light?

"All right, girlfriend, we'll drop it. I brought some flicks, you wanna make some popcorn?"

"Sure," she said, smiling.

That was the thing about Suze, Brenda mused. The redeeming quality that made putting up with her bullshit worth it. She had been hurt and upset, but she instantly forgave Brenda. She didn't have a vengeful bone in her body and didn't carry grudges. Beneath the puritanical attitude, she was genuinely sweet and loving. But that wouldn't be enough to save her marriage, and Brenda knew it.

"What can I get you?" Brenda asked, as casually as she could.

"Vodka Martini."

"That shit will rot your guts. How bout something less toxic?"

Brenda really didn't have anything against martinis, but she wanted something with some color to it.

"I dunno, have something you think would do me good?"

Oh yeah, that I do, she thought.

"How bout a Harvey Wallbanger? I see Steve picked up some Galliano."

"Never had one of those, sure," she replied.

"What kind of flick you feel like?" Brenda called.

She kept her eyes on the entrance to the kitchen as she mashed up the Cainockflorin into a powder and mixed it with the sugar she was adding to Suze's drink. She had it done and was carrying both drinks to the table when Suze came in with a bowl of popcorn. Brenda popped in a girly flick and sat back, sipping on her rum and coke. She watched from the corner of her eye as Suzy sipped the drink.

"Wow!" she exclaimed.

"Like it?'

"Yeah, it's sweet and kinda...I dunno..."

"Don't try to explain," Brenda laughed, "There are no words for how Galliano tastes. You either like it or hate it."

"I like it," Suzy said, taking a much larger sip.

Brenda paid no attention to the movie, but watched Suzy closely. At first there seemed to be no effect, but after a while she started to sway and her eyes dilated.

"Suzy?" Brenda asked.

When she didn't respond, Brenda put down her drink and moved next to her friend. She waved her hand in front of Suzy's face and snapped her fingers.

"Suzy!" she shouted.

"Huh? Ummmm... I'm feeling woozy...Feel..." her words trailed off into an incoherent mumbling.

"Feel like some serious fucking?" Brenda asked.

"Mmm...fucking..."

Well, the first part of her plan seemed to be working. Brenda knew she would have to hurry though. She had only used .5 mg and while the effects were stunning, she knew the intervention dosage was meant to be applied to someone who had already had a serious IV dose in their system. Left to her own devices, Suzy would fall asleep and wake with nothing worse than a drug hangover, and maybe some sore muscles. Brenda had no intention of leaving her to her own devices, however. Brenda hurried out to her car and got her gym bag. By the time she returned, Suzy was slumped over on the sofa and curled up. Brenda opened the bag and pulled out the restraints. She glanced around the room, her eyes finally settling on the coffee table. It was a stout piece of furniture, fashioned to resemble an old style cedar chest. The legs were squat, stout ovals and looked to be sturdy enough to handle the most violent struggles.

The restraints Dana had suggested were thick leather bands, with a double row of holes running down the length. One end held a heavy, stainless steel clip, the other a buckle. Their best feature, besides being incredibly strong, was their versatility. It took Brenda only a few minutes to attach one to each of the table legs and she left only about an inch of play in each. She looked in her bag, looked at Suzy's limp form and did what she promised herself she would.

She took a step back and really thought about what she was about to do. She wasn't too worried about the consequences if she failed. Suzy would never, under any circumstances, go to the cops. It might ruin their friendship, but Brenda was resigned to that anyway. If she took no action, Suze would move back to Peoria and her parents after Steve divorced her. They already hated Brenda's guts, for being black and their daughter's friend, among other things. So she would loose her friend in any scenario that didn't save her marriage.

If she succeeded, Suze would probably save her marriage. Of course, she might not be Suzy anymore. Realizing sex was fun did strange things to people. But that was a chance Brenda was willing to take.

Brenda kicked off her sandals and sat next to her friend. Her hands were shaking just a bit as she undid the pretty buttons on Suzy's blouse. Beneath it she wore a simple, white, full coverage, front closure bra. Brenda shook her head and unclasped it, her eyes sparkled as she got a good look at her friend's tits. They were small, but perfectly formed, and capped with small dusky aureoles and thick, stubby nipples. They were pert, rode high on her chest and the skin was creamy and flawless. Even with her pregnancy they were still barely a handful. Quite a contrast to Brenda's own dark bra busters. "Hmmm? Wha? Hmmm?" Suzy groggily moaned.

"Just relax, baby, just getting you a little more comfy. Nothing wrong with that, is there?" Brenda said in a soothing voice.

"Comprable," Suzy said, and then giggled.

Brenda slipped the bra off her shoulders and unbuttoned her jeans. She was hoping for something sexy, but as she tugged them down she saw Suzy wore simple white cotton granny panties.

"Damn, girl, why do you insist on wrapping this hot little body in such ugly underwear?"

Brenda didn't wait for a response, sliding her hands into the waistband and pulling the panties off. Suzy's pussy was very trim, the mount of Venus barely discernable. Golden red pubic curls hid her lips from view. Brenda tossed the panties and used her fingers to part the soft pubes. She felt a bit nervous when she saw that Suzy's lips were very delicate. She had the smallest, most dainty pussy Brenda had ever seen, and she wondered if taking Dana's advice on the bitch tamer had been a mistake after all.

"Nakey?" Suzy giggled drunkenly.

Brenda could see she was coming around. Already she had progressed from semi functional to that stage where everything was funny. She quickly removed the drinks and magazines and used Suzy's ugly panties to wipe down the tabletop. It took some effort to get the petite girl onto the table, she was small, but in her drugged state, her body was almost dead weight. Brenda stuffed a couch cushion under her tummy with some difficulty.

From her bag, Brenda grabbed four cuffs and tossed them on the floor. These were all made of thick black leather and lined with soft white fur. Each was adjustable and held closed by two thin leather straps and buckles. A heavy metal D ring was set into each.

Brenda attached one to each of Suzy's wrists and ankles, and then hooked the D rings into the straps. She stood back a moment to admire her handiwork. She hadn't started out with any thought of particularly enjoying what she was going to do, but the sight of petite little Suzy; naked, helpless, with her perfect little ass up thrust and her pussy exposed sent a thrill through Brenda that was undeniable. She was mildly surprised to realize she was getting damp. Even more, she was surprised to realize she was going to enjoy the hell out of this.

"Maybe I'm still a little cunt crazy," she said to herself.

"Cunt. Cunt, cunt, cunt," Suzy repeated in a little girl voice.

Brenda smiled and headed upstairs. She wanted to give Suze a little more time to come around and she also wanted to satisfy herself of a few things before she committed to this. In the bedroom, she breezed past the big bed and pulled open Suzy's dresser drawers. Beautiful clothes, expensive, carefully folded and neat. Dior, Ann Taylor, Talbot's. And fucking ugly underwear. All cotton, all granny cut. Bras all the same. Just fucking unbelievable, she thought. No nighties, no negligees, no outfits for role play, no stockings or garter belts, just control top hose. As if Suzy had anything that needed controlling. There was barely a hint of fat left from the pregnancy.

It was almost like she intentionally refused to wear anything even mildly provocative. The only exception to the procession of blah white panties was a pair of red cotton bikini briefs. These were laundered, but Brenda could tell they hadn't been worn much, if at all. She suddenly had an image of poor Steve, trying to get his wife something a little sexy and her never wearing them. No wonder the poor guy was ready to call it quits.

She padded through the rest of the house, to find everything immaculate. No dust anywhere, no clutter, a place for everything and everything in its place.

"Donna fucking Reed," Brenda said.

Heading back downstairs, she shed her blouse. The investigation upstairs had sealed the deal. Brenda unbuttoned her jeans and wiggled out of them, taking the black thong with them. She kept her bra on, for the present. From her bag, she grabbed the harness and gingerly shook it out. It looked for all the world like an oversized pair of edible undies. She stepped into the leg loops, and snugged up the Velcro of the waistband, then gave each of the tabs a pull, until she felt the leather cod piece settle over her pussy. She wasn't really sure she even had it on right and she had no idea of how tight it should be. A little experimentation followed, but she found herself sweating it more than she thought she would.

Brenda took out the Bitch Tamer, then eyed it. There was a small hole in the base, which seemed to be meant for the stud at the front of her harness. She lined them up and pressed it firmly to the stud that was seated over her clit and jutting out. With three audible clicks the huge toy seated and when she let it go, it simply drooped under its own weight. She jogged her hips, feeling the exciter on her side of the harness rub against her clitoral hood and watching in fascination as her cock bobbed and bounced. She felt a really weird sense of power and she could see why men were so fascinated with their willies.

"Well, Mrs. Cleaver, it's time for you to meet the neighbors," Brenda said, smiling at her own joke.

From her bag she took a thick tube of high tech lube. It was called Hyperglide, and had been developed by NASA as a waterproof lubricant for high performance equipment. Brenda squeezed a good amount into her hand and began to slick up the toy at her waist. It took two more squeezes of the tube and both hands, but she finally got the whole thing coated. From the bag, she then pulled out the set of kneepads Freddy wore when laying tile. She wasn't as young as she used to be, and she had anticipated the need to ease the pressure on her knees. She buckled them on, picked up the tube of lube and squeezed a good glob of it onto her hand, while kneeling at the foot of the table.

She put the kneepads up against the wood, and then cupped Suzy's pussy and began to work the lube in.

"Huh? What? Brenda?"

"Relax babe, it's just some lube."

"Lube?"

"Yeah, to get you all slick and ready."

"Ready for wha..." her question faded into a soft moan as Brenda found her entrance and introduced two slick fingers. She felt another pang of doubt as Suzy's pussy gripped her fingers. She was so tight Brenda had to muscle her way in, and that worried her. She hoped the Hyperglide would do the trick. At least she was sure Suzy hadn't been lying about one thing, her tight little pussy was gently massaging Brenda's fingers and it was obvious that she was in need of a good fucking.

Brenda eased her fingers out and used both hands to grip the shaft of her cock and hold it on target. This proved to be far more difficult than she had anticipated. While she had a good line of sight, the lack of feedback from the toy left her nervous and she moved with extreme care, lest she hurt Suzy. When it finally seated, she began to lean forward, letting her weight slowly settle in behind the thick toy. Suzy groaned raggedly.

"Stop! It hurts. Please, Brenda."

The dark-skinned woman ignored her and put more weight behind the toy. She was fascinated at the way it was stretching Suzy's pussy.

"Brenda? What are you doin..." her words were cut off by an 'oomph' as the head slipped past her outer ring of muscles and into her quivering pussy.

"Giving what you said you needed. A good hard fucking!" Brenda crowed.

Suzy seemed to become more aware and began to struggle, but the bonds held her fast. Brenda pressed forward slowly, then rocked back slightly, just like Freddy did with her. As she watched, an inch of the thick shaft, then another slowly sank into Suzy's tight channel.

"Stop it! This isn't funny," Suzy panted.

"You're right there, babe, it's hot as hell, but it damn sho ain't funny."

"Brenda, please, this is wrong!" Suzy cried as more of the thick intruder invaded her secret place.

"Shut up. Just shut up and enjoy it. You've been crying for days that you needed it, and now you're gonna get it in spades."

"Not from you!"

"Yes, from me!" Brenda said, thrusting forward to punctuate her words.

"Ohmigod! Please, it hurts," Suzy sobbed.

"Hurts so good, you mean. Don't try to lie to me. I can smell your pussy from here."

Brenda removed first one hand and then the other, eventually grasping Suzy's hips. All but the last inch of the wide base was now inside her whimpering lover, but Brenda wouldn't be satisfied with half measures tonight. She slid her knees out a little, to widen her base and get some purchase and then drove forward with all she had.

Suzy screamed, a piercing, keening cry that split the silence of the room. Brenda's hips bumped up tight against the bound woman's ass. She held still then, letting Suze adjust. Brenda could see the muscles in her butt and back twitching beneath her fine, alabaster skin.

"Take it out. Take it out, Please. Pretty please?"

"Sho thing, baby," Brenda said, withdrawing it by rocking her hips back.

She loved the way Suzy's lips seemed to be hanging on, like they were reluctant to let it escape. When she was about halfway out, Brenda drove it back in.

"No!" Suzy shouted.

She wiggled frantically in her bonds, plunging and rocking the stout table, but Brenda ignored her and continued trying to get the hang of it. Suzy screamed and shouted and threatened, but it made no impression. Brenda was having a ball. She had always assumed fucking was easy. After all, she had never had trouble mastering rhythm and stroke in femme superior, but she found life wasn't so easy from the other side of the dick. She could keep up a fairly even stroke, by alternately hunching her back and straightening up, but it was far too much work and didn't produce any of the variation in stroke she knew was so enjoyable. Not that little Suzy was complaining, she was huffing and puffing, whining and biting back on moans now. Only occasionally mustering a protest.

Over time, Brenda found, to her amusement, that it was all in her hips and legs, despite what "felt" right. She had always thought it felt like a pistoning motion and thus that it was all in your back, but the truth was, she got a smoother flow by rolling her hips. This method gave her a much smoother action, but in no time the muscles in her ass began to burn. Brenda then tried a more jerky motion, using her legs to drive, while keeping her ass out of it.

She drew back for a long stroke and the dong popped out of Suzy's pussy. Brenda was already thrusting back so her hips smacked Suzy's with an audible thwack. Brenda burst out laughing and grasped the toy with both hands. It was still a tight fit, but she had far less trouble getting it in this time.

She laughed in delight as she was able to watch her cock and how the different methods produced different visuals. She was so caught up in it she failed at first to even hear Suzy, but as she was contemplating the exact mechanics of the little rolling flourish Freddy sometimes used, the girl's words penetrated.

"Brenda? Please. Something's wrong. I f.f.f.feel strange."

Brenda didn't need more than a moment to ascertain what the strange feeling was, but it left her troubled. The muscles in Suzy's legs and back were rippling and tensing, the aroma from her pussy had become much stronger and her juices now coated the toy hammering into her. Her labored breathing, and the frequent squeaks all pointed to an orgasm. It was hard for Brenda to comprehend those wonderful warning signs being scary or strange.

"Suzy? Haven't you ever cum real hard?" she asked quizzically.

"N...n...no..."

"Well, get ready girl, cause you're taking a trip on the Nirvana express," Brenda said, grasping the girl's hips more firmly and reverting to the rolling of her hips.

"No, please, this isn't supposed to happen," she whined.

Brenda ignored her, using her legs now and her back, throwing herself forward with each lunge. The big cock made obscene slurping noises as it slammed into Suzy's soaked pussy.

"Cum for me, baby," Brenda urged through clenched teeth.

Sweat poured off her forehead and burned her eyes. It also rolled down her chest, soaking into the silk demi cup bra she had neglected to remove earlier. The muscles in her ass were burning, like they did near the end of an aerobics class, but she kept on pounding into Suzy. Kept on delivering the stimulation, even thought she could see Suzy was fighting it with all she had.

Brenda could have warned her it was useless to fight, but she didn't. She knew the longer Suzy held out, the better it would feel when it came. With that in mind she slowed her stroke, and lengthened it, letting some of the tension in her captive dissipate. And thus it went for well over an hour. Brenda was experimenting, getting comfortable with the motions and the physics. Poor Suzy was struggling just to cope with the relentless pounding her tender pussy was getting.

Brenda decided she had built it up enough. She wanted the first one to rock Suzy's world, but she also knew that the first was never the best and she intended to orgasm her friend until she passed out. Brenda pulled herself tightly to Suzy's butt and began to use short, rapid strokes. Suzy was grunting and groaning, but as time passed, she still hadn't come. It suddenly occurred to Brenda that perhaps, Suzy's problem was a medical one. Maybe she just couldn't orgasm. It would certainly explain her seeming aversion to sex for fun. It would also mean this had been a monumental mistake on her part.

Spurred on by that fear, Brenda threw everything she had into it. The muscles in her stout thighs stood out, as did those in her ass. She could feel the fire, the burning sensation that told her she was pushing past the point where her body was comfortable, but she ignored it. She was really worried now and she began to will Suzy to come. Gritting her teeth against the discomfort as she slammed the thick cock into Suze.

Suzy was making the most incredibly sexy noises now, little whimpers and moans, punctuated by occasional squeaks and barks. Her body was tensed and Brenda found almost as much relief as she did satisfaction when Suze cried out and her body came unglued. She plunged and jerked, thrusting back as best she could to meet Brenda's lunges. She screamed, the sound raw and feral, but softening towards the end into a delicious moan.

Brenda kept driving into her, until Suze lay still. She was babbling now, soft incoherent murmurs. Brenda pulled out, and sat back on her heels, breathing a big sigh of relief. She caught her breath, let her heart rate get back to normal and then carefully stood. Her legs protested, but not badly, and she wandered into the kitchen where she began to rummage around. She found exactly what she wanted in a drawer, a wooden sauce spoon. It was light, but sturdy and stung when she slapped it onto her palm.

She returned to the living room and took up a place behind her bound friend. Suze's ass was still up turned, ripe, pale and vulnerable. Brenda brought the spoon down on it hard. The resultant sound was neither a smack, nor a splat, but a mixture of both. Suze screeched and threw herself forward, actually sliding the table a few inches along the carpeted floor.

"No!"

Brenda ignored her, watching the skin become pink. She smacked the other cheek and Suze reacted violently again. Satisfied that the spoon wasn't doing any real damage, she began to rapidly spank her smaller friend. Brenda applied the spoon to each cheek, alternating and aiming for any spot she hadn't hit yet. Suzy's skin went from pale, to pink to rosy and then to an angry red. Protests, threats and curses gradually gave way to pleading and begging. Brenda ignored it and continued, until she could place her hand near her friend's ass and feel the fierce heat radiating outward.

Suze drooped in her bonds, letting the straps go slack as Brenda put the spoon down. Her victim was panting, and sobbing now, but Brenda was too busy to worry about it. It took a lot of work to get the slippery toy to disconnect from her harness. Her hands kept slipping off and she found there wasn't really anything to hold onto. Eventually, she hit upon getting her fingers under the base, and with some effort, it finally came free.

From her bag, she took the anal toy and attached it with little difficulty. More hyperglide was used as she slicked it up. Brenda scooted behind her reluctant lover and slowly worked some of the lube into the crack between Suzy's scarlet cheeks.

"Ohhhh."

"Feel good, baby?" Brenda said in a soothing voice.

"Yes, it's so cool," Suzy sniffled.

Brenda smiled, applied some more and let her finger settle on Suzy's rear entrance. With infinite care she worked it in, pushing a gob of the hyperglide before it.

"What are you doing?" Suzy cried in alarm.

"Just getting this fine ass ready for some action," Brenda replied.

"Action?...Oh No! Brenda you can't!"

"Watch me," the novice top replied, scooting into position and holding the toy before her.

Brenda was unprepared for what happened next. Suzy went absolutely apeshit. She screamed for help, threw her body violently forward and struggled mightily against her bonds. Brenda actually released the toy and tried to calm Suzy down. She was afraid the girl would hurt herself in her wild bid to escape. The table held, as did the bonds and after a while, Suzy wore herself out. As she lay there, panting Brenda took the opportunity to line her cock up and press it forward. The flared tip penetrated and Suzy went berserk again, bu When Suzy's hysterical strength failed a second time, Brenda was able to get her weight behind the toy. She had both hands on Suzy's trim waist, bearing down with her weight, which kept the girl from wiggling.

Brenda had intended to go very slowly, she knew how painful anal could be if done wrong and she had no intention of hurting her friend, but she hadn't counted on the design of the toy, nor had she factored in Suzy's strong reaction to the muscle relaxant in the drug. The thin toy shot into Suzy's ass in a rush, driving deeply enough that Brenda's hips bumped the girl's ass.

"Ow!" Suzy cried, but it was almost as if she was more surprised than hurt.

"Did that hurt?" Brenda asked.

"Yes."

"You okay?"

"No."

"Suze, unless you want another ass tanning, don't fuck with me. Now are you all right?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Feels good, doesn't it?"

The reply was so soft it was almost inaudible, but Brenda smiled.

"It gets a lot better, girlfriend," Brenda said, as she began to carefully fuck Suzy's gorgeous ass.

The experience was grand, but frustrating. It was a whole new angle, a whole new approach, and it took her much longer to establish a rhythm she liked. Once she did, Brenda really poured it on and Suzy's moans and cries let her know it was a mutually enjoyable cadence. When she got really comfortable, she reached around Suzy's hip and began to tease her clit. The small woman gasped, but moved slightly to give Brenda better access.

"Feels good, don't it?' she whispered.

"Yes," Suzy replied in a sexy, breathless, but somehow sheepish voice.

"You're about to cum again, aren't you?"

"I think so."

"Don't fight it, babe, just let it come."

"Okay," she replied unsurely.

Brenda was unsure if Suzy's sudden acquiescence was a product of the drug's side effects or of her monster orgasm. Whichever was the case, the dark girl decided to take full advantage of it. Her questing fingers found Suzy's little bud and began to really work on it as her hips kept the dildo working in long, even strokes. Suzy moaned, then gasped and with another wild lunge she came. Brenda was a little taken aback, she wondered if all Suzy's orgasms were going to be so violent. Her own experience was that they ebbed and flowed, some strong, some weak, but maybe that didn't apply here.

Or maybe she's just so frustrated that she's built up a lot of need, Brenda thought.

Brenda kept plowing into her lover's ass and continued to manipulate her clit. A second orgasm quickly followed, and a third and then.

"Wow" Brenda said in amazement as Suzy went into another paroxysm while gurgling happily.

Sensing the time was right, Brenda pulled out and fought her way out of the harness. She hurried to the dinette, grabbed a chair and put it right next to the head of the table. She ten straddled the table, lowered her ass to the edge of it, and leaned back on the chair. This placed her pussy right in Suzy's face, while giving her some stability.

The small girl looked up dazedly and wrinkled her nose.

"Bren?" she asked.

"Eat my pussy, baby," Brenda coaxed.

"But...."

"No buts. Just do it, baby,"

She looked confused, but shrugged and closed her eyes. Brenda nearly came when she saw Suzy's little pink tongue slip from between her lips. Brenda used her hands to pry her sticky lips apart and scooted a little closer. The first contact of Suzy's velvety tongue on her pussy sent a jolt though her like none she could remember. It only got better as the small girl began to lap at her pussy like a kitten would.

Brenda had always loved getting head. Male or female, it made no difference to her enjoyment. She found women usually had better technique, but it was far from an absolute. Suzy had none. In this case though, that lack of technique had absolutely no correlation to the pleasure. Just watching her was driving Brenda to distraction. As the bound girl got used to the aroma and taste, she seemed to lose some of her hesitancy. When Brenda began to moan and grind her hips, Suzy became bolder and more vigorous. Brenda held off as long as she could, but when she finally gave in and came, the orgasm was astounding.

It wasn't as physically powerful as some she had experienced, but in her head, the mental turn on made it uniquely pleasurable. The bursts of pleasure soon carried her away and when she looked down she was holding Suzy's head tightly to her pussy. She let go and found Suzy watching her curiously.

"What?" Brenda asked.

"Why?" she asked, tears forming in her big brown eyes.

Brenda smiled as encouragingly as she could and leaned in close. She had possessed herself of Suzy's body by force, but she dreaded this, the really brutal part.

"Steve's going to ask you for a divorce, baby. Not because he doesn't love you, but because you've become an insufferable bitch since you got pregnant. You're wound so tight I couldn't force a nail up your ass with a trip hammer. You're alienating everyone, with your constant whining and need for attention. God love you, baby, you're as sweet as the day is long, but you couldn't be destroying your life any more thoroughly if you were trying."

"I'm not trying," she said, tears streaming from her eyes.

"I know, baby."

"Besides," she sniffled, "What has that got to do with this?"

"You suck at sex. I felt like that was the root of your problems. You were frustrated, and afraid and your lack of desire for him was causing Steve problems that were just adding to the overall stress level around here. You didn't know how to enjoy getting down, and no matter what happens now, you can't say it ain't good, can you?"

"No," she admitted, "But you didn't have to give a demonstration, did you? You could have just told me."

"I've tried to just tell you. I've tried to help, but every time I go there, you clam up or get pissed."

"So you think that's an excuse to rape me?" she cried.

"Ouch. I probably deserved that, but I won't apologize. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I only saw one chance to keep you from making a huge mistake. I did what I had to do."

"So you're saying this was a public service? That you didn't enjoy it?"

"No, baby, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it," Brenda admitted.

Suzy's face went from furious to relieved before Brenda's stunned eyes.

"Good. At least it wasn't a chore," she said softly.

"What on earth would make you think it was a chore? You're dead sexy."

"Am I?"

"Of course you are," Brenda replied.

She hadn't anticipated the conversation going like this and it was rapidly taking on a surreal quality she couldn't fathom.

"Do you mind letting me up? I'm starting to cramp."

"I will, if you promise to let me tie you down again," Brenda said with a half smile.

"Deal." ***

"That's some fucked up shit," Brenda said as she sipped her coffee.

"I guess, but if you're raised in it, you don't know any better."

"So when your momma gave you the birds and bees speech all she told you about was the pain and suffering?"

"Yeah. Scare tactics, I guess. Or maybe she really believes it. God knows she and Daddy never showed any interest in each other."

"I can't believe that shit still goes on in the modern day."

"You haven't ever left the city, Bren. There are communities out west that might as well still be in the last century. And there are some where people like Pastor Wiggins are God on earth in all but name."

"Why didn't you tell Steve?"

"Because I didn't know! I was raised that way. I just assumed everyone was that way."

"Everyone 'cept me."

"You're black," she said apologetically, "you're supposed to be depraved."

"Damn."

"Give me a little credit. I got past that part of my upbringing without any help," she said, sipping a bottled water.

"Sounds like some kind of cult or something."

"Not really. Just a very insular community. It got better when we moved to the city."

"Peoria's a city? Since when?" Brenda asked sarcastically.

"It's a lot bigger than Wigginsville."

"So this fucked up religious guy owns the whole town?"

"Not all of it, just the good parts. His father bought all the property up and laid out the town. Some kind of commune experiment back in the sixties, I think. The son got into fundamentalist religion and ran all the ex-hippies out when his dad passed. He owns the whole commercial district, so if you want to have a store there, you play his way. Same for the subdivisions. If you want to buy a house, you have to meet his demands. He won't allow any other church to move in and he's Mayor, as well as Pastor and Chairman of the board and Justice of the Peace and...you name it."

"Someone ought to sue."

"They have, but he's a big contributor to all the local and state politicos. Someone will get around to filing a federal suit, but you gotta understand something, Bren. The people who live there like it just the way it is. My folks only moved cause Daddy got a better job and they were forever pining for "home". They'll move back as soon as dad retires. Some people just like it all laid out for them."

"All right, so you're upbringing was fucked, still, you had to have known, girl. I mean, you watch the tube, go to the movies, read magazines. You just can't possibly have been totally in the dark."

"No, not totally, but you have to understand. This was something I was raised to believe. It takes a lot to get past it. Even harder than the race thing. At least there, I had the evidence of my experiences to help me take the blinders off. With this...Steve was my first and only. And my first time was just as painful and awful as mom said it would be. I really wanted to believe it was fun and romantic and wonderful and all that, but every time we tried it, it wasn't."

"You have to put something into it for it to be fun."

"You tell me that now and I've got....some pretty incredible proof it can be fun," she said with a pretty blush, "If you told me that last Friday, it would have been against my experience."

"That's just too out there for me, like something from the twilight zone or the outer limits. The girl who couldn't cum or some shit like that"

"Yeah, well. Getting fucked silly by my best friend is pretty out there for me," Suzy observed.

"Fair enough. But you ain't pissed at me or nothing, right?"

"I'm not real thrilled that you decided on this method. It's pretty humiliating," she said archly, but her face softened, "On the other hand, I don't think anything short of cumming like I did would have given me any chance of getting past it. Now that I've experienced what it can feel like, there's really no way I can go back to believing it's an unpleasant obligation. So I should be thanking you, but I'm not there yet. I still feel like I ought to be pissed, but what I really feel is relief."

Brenda had to smile at that, and Suzy smiled back.

"So now what?" Suzy asked.

"Well," Brenda said, drawing the word out, "We got till Monday before the boys get back and I was just starting to enjoy having a dick."

"So, what?"

"So, I think it's time to take your hot little ass upstairs and get back to fucking."

"I guess I could use some more practice," she said gravely, but Brenda could see the smile in her eyes.

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