#and actually makes sense especially if the character in question is tj but. yeah)

[everlastingblossom]

might be late to the party but wtf is going on witch adminbrite's characterisation of adam bright its just. my siblings in arms WHAT is going on there

[lokitvsource]

You came into the show with the idea of Loki clashing with the TVA already in place. How exactly does this kind of arrangement work at Marvel? Michael Waldron: There was a creative brief that was 20 pages or so that basically said: “We want to do something about Loki running up against the TVA. Here’s some different avenues that might be cool to explore.” It was really serving it up for writers as a jumping off point for us to put together our pitches. Then I went off and really worked on the idea of Loki being brought in to hunt another Loki, and that becoming the heart of the show, and the Loki/Sylvie relationship. The big thing that I did in my pitch — even as early as pitching it to Kevin [Feige] — I really walked through the six episodes, kind of similar to what they were. I knew I wanted Episode 3, for instance, to be a little bit of a Before Sunrise, with Loki and this character walking across this apocalyptic moon. But Marvel had the initial, probably the most important spark of genius, which was just Loki and the TVA.

Where did the idea of the variant being a female Loki come from? That was one of my ideas, that we then confirmed in the writers room. Yeah, we knew from the get-go that it was going to be Loki falling for another version of himself.

Why was that appealing to you? I love writing any romance; it’s fun. Especially, it hasn’t been done a ton in the MCU. There’s an obviously self-reflective quality to it. And a show that’s quite literally about self-love; it is Loki getting to see parts of himself. At the start of the show, he kind of hates himself. He assesses himself to Mobius as a villain. And then he meets Sylvie, and he sees her as someone on a heroic crusade. He sees the good in her, and is able to see the good in himself.

Mobius suggests that, of course, Loki fell in love with his own variant, because he’s a narcissist. Do you think he’d be capable of falling in love with someone who is not a version of himself? [Laughs] I don’t know if he didn’t fall in love with himself first. Maybe after that, but the first time he falls, maybe this is what it had to be.

What’s the key to telling a time travel story that takes advantage of the concept without confusing the audience? I think it’s doing a lot of work that the audience never sees. It’s really understanding the logic of this thing, building out the TVA as a real organization that actually exists in our minds. Our writers room, we had a TVA handbook, encyclopedia, what they do and why they do it, a glossary of terms. And then you want to only give the audience the absolute bare minimum to understand the story, and to just get swept up in the emotional stakes of everything. If the sci-fi of it all, if the time travel logic of this show did not hold up week to week, then that would have distracted from the emotional journeys of the characters. So I’m glad that even though everyone had to take their medicine a little bit, along with Loki, in episode one, I’m glad it didn’t distract from the story we were telling. And we had the benefit of Loki being the audience’s eyes in. The audience is learning as he is.

There’s a funny scene in Avengers: Endgame where the Avengers start arguing about exactly how time travel works in the MCU. How much did you have to study what other Marvel movies had done with the idea to make sure your rules were consistent? Fortunately, Endgame was the main one, and that’s how they understand it. The TVA is an organization that understands time travel on a deeper level, probably more comprehensively than the Avengers do in Endgame. We wanted to make sure we were staying true to any rules that they laid out, but sort of establishing our own rules. It’s a time travel show. What was I thinking? A movie’s one thing, but a show is hard.

How many Loki variants did you have on the writers room whiteboard at various points? Hundreds. So many different Lokis. There was one Loki, actually maybe it was a version of Mobius that took off his glasses, and he just had really tiny eagle eyes, like he could see everything. There was stuff like that all over the white board. Tom Kauffman, who wrote that fifth episode, he’s an amazing comedy writer, and was on the first three seasons of Rick and Morty. His first draft of that episode was just bananas.

Was there a variant, or a crazy idea in general, that you really loved but couldn’t ultimately do? There was so much different stuff that we wanted to do in the Void. But the truth is, I don’t want to say any of it, because you never know. The ideas that I want to do the most may pop up elsewhere.

Okay, so let’s stick with a variant we did see. Was Alligator Loki actually a Loki, or just an alligator that happened to be wearing a Loki’s crown? A magician can’t reveal his tricks, man. That’s the great debate. Let it rage.

What was Alligator Loki‘s origin story on your side of things? Who pitched him and how was that initially received? That was maybe my very first meeting with the producers at Marvel, Kevin Wright and Stephen Broussard, talking about the show, and me saying, “When we’re doing this, you can encounter lots of different Lokis. You could have an alligator Loki. Why? Cause he’s green.” And us all laughing about how stupid that was. I think I made the point that it’s that energy of what we can do with the show. We can have something like that, but let’s play it straight. Alligator Loki, you get a laugh out of it, but by and large you try and play it straight. That was the fun tonal balance that we tried to strike in the show.

There’s been some conflicting information out there about whether the big bad was originally just going to be He Who Remains, who’s a different comics character altogether from Kang, and whether the casting of Jonathan Majors changed the plan. From your point of view, what happened? The character was always written as a version of Kang, as early as the first draft of the script, we knew in the writers room, relatively early on. He Who Remains, that’s the guy behind the curtain with the TVA, and we saw an opportunity to fuse that mythology with the Immortus mythology. And that was just really compelling. It was a way to elevate, it just felt right for Loki, because Loki was there in the first Avengers, he’s the one who brought the Avengers together, and here is directly related to the exploding of the multiverse, this event that will drive the events of Phase Four. Certainly, when Jonathan came in, it allowed us to step on the gas of just how eccentric and charismatic this character could be. I was inspired in the writing of He Who Remains by Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia, trying to give it that Frank TJ Mackey energy a little bit. He captures that and then elevates it to something else that’s different and weird.

You just said how important the multiverse is going to be to Phase Four of the MCU. How challenging is it to have to set up this big thing for the larger Marvel endeavor while also serving the needs of the particular story you’re telling on this show? It’s a challenge in the sense that it’s all a relay race, and you’ve got the baton on this thing, and you want to do a great job. The name of the game over at Marvel is with each movie or TV show, make it the best it can possibly be. And they’re really supportive of that, and trust that it will organically fit into the larger blueprint of everything. We were excited about introducing a version of Kang, because yeah, to introduce this new big bad was cool for our show. I was aware, and cautious, of the thing I read in your review, that it might not be the most sound storytelling to introduce a new character at the very end that we’ve never seen before as the big bad of this thing. Obviously, we had the benefit that people know who Kang is, and there’s a meta thing where a portion of the audience knows Jonathan Majors is going to be playing Kang in Phase Four. But the finale was only ever going to work if He Who Remains, in a compelling way, serviced the Loki and Sylvie emotional story. That was the most important job that that character did in the finale: he laid out a very compelling conflict that ultimately drove the two of them apart.

There has also been some confusion as to exactly when you knew that there would be a second season, as opposed to you just making a limited series. Initially, in the writers room, we were not operating as though there would be a second season. And the whole way through was, this should be a story that should stand on its own. I referenced The Leftovers and Mad Men all the time. I think about those seasons, they pushed the overall stories forward, but you can pull any one of those seasons and look at it on its own as an individual story. I wanted that to be the case here, whether we did a second season or not. I think we always felt that we would want to propel Loki forward into the MCU after the conclusion of our season. The only question was, would that be in an appearance in a movie, or would that be in a second season. And it was only over the course of development that the stars aligned to make a second season.

But that end scene, where Mobius no longer recognizes Loki and the TVA is filled with Kang statues, wouldn’t have been a satisfying conclusion to a limited series. That is an ending that only works if there’s going to be a second season. So there is another conclusion to the story that I wrote that exists out there, that I guess is just for me. My own little play, that I perform with my action figures.

What was Sylvie’s original plan, before Loki hijacked her to that dying moon? It was to empty out the TVA. The entire bombing of the Sacred Timeline was to create a diversion. She’s not going to be able to create a multiverse from doing that. Ultimately, the TVA has the manpower to get out and take care of these events, but they’re going to have to scramble a lot of their minutemen teams, and it leaves the Time-Keepers significantly less guarded than they would have been otherwise. That was her plan.

You didn’t come into this as a big comic book nerd. So was there someone on staff who could tell you, “Well, there’s this giant cloud called Alioth that eats time,” or, “Well, one time Thanos had a helicopter,” or maybe someone assigned to you by Marvel? I’m constantly reading the comics but trying to not be so beholden to the and do our own thing. I charged our writers assistant, Ryan Kohler, with, “You’ve got to become the authority on all things TVA, all things Kang, and all that.” So he and my assistant, Sophie Miller, became a support staff who read a ton of these comics and became a wealth of knowledge for the writers to turn to. And then the Marvel producers, obviously are very well versed in the comics. It was Kevin Wright who came in one day and was like somebody throwing down a blueprint in an asteroid movie, going, “Alioth! Look at this!” And we were like, “Ohmigod, this is perfect!” The best thing about working on these comic book shows is that if it’s from the comics, it doesn’t matter how much of a deus ex machina it is, it’s just cool, like, “I can’t believe you pulled that from the comics.” Alioth, that was a big breakthrough that unlocked the last two episodes for us.

That is not a famous comic book that introduces Alioth. It’s an obscure Nineties miniseries, with really ugly art. But you look at it and see what it could be. You say, “If we do this, and it feels like Twister, it’s going to be really cool.”

Was Mobius’ love of jet skis there simply to illustrate his character, or did you have a grander idea in mind? I will come clean: I’m a jet ski guy. I’ve spent a good amount of time on jet skis in my day. I used to tow a jet ski to a lake and ride it in college. So it probably was me. Loki, I was just becoming a steward of that character. Mobius was a character I really felt I got to create from nothing. There’s not really anything to that character in the comics. So bits and pieces of me found their way in. I just think there’s something so poignant — here Mobius is, a guy who is literally fighting to preserve all of time in the multiverse, and yet his interests are maybe the most humble, human, terrestrial, unremarkable thing you can think of. Just a jet ski. And when you’ve got Owen Wilson playing him and it’s just that much better.

Will you be back in some capacity for Season Two? [long pause] Time will tell.

‘Loki’ Head Writer Michael Waldron — and ‘Rick and Morty’ Alum — on MCU, ‘Heels’ and More

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E92 (Jan. 28, 2020)

This week’s guests are Laura Bailey and Marisha Ray!

Announcements: At 4 PM Pacific on February 4, season 2 of All Work No Play premieres! Pre-sale tickets for autographs and photo ops for C2E2 are available now via Epic Photo Ops! Lots of “super-secret but majorly exciting announcements” to come this week on the website!

Episode 92: Home Is Where the Heart Is

Stats for this episode: it has been 69 episodes, 6 levels, and 212 Exandrian days since the Nein last saw the reformed bandits. The Nein haven’t killed anyone since episode 86, a campaign 2 record (Laura: “I know, I’m aching!”). Jester cast her 50th Guidance spell this episode (on herself), and it’s been 50 Exandrian days since the Nein last partook of a bottle of Lionett wine together in Trostenwald.

On initial expectations vs. reality for their characters’ fathers: Laura: “I had no notion of what he was going to be. I literally wrote that he wooed my mom, that he wore lots of rings on his fingers, and that he went off to get his place ready to come meet him, and that was all.” She notes that she knew Jester was half-water genasi, but she wasn’t there the first time they met the Gentleman to ask any leading questions. Marisha: “I had this struggling panic for a while. I didn’t know how he was going to play him. There was a strong possibility in my head that my parents were great, and were just like, ‘We were trying so hard, we’re so sorry.’ It was pretty crazy the way he actually played it. And it did feel like, he sucks, yeah, okay, no.”

On Fjord’s heart-to-heart with Beau: “I felt like Beau and Fjord had good pirate-ship bonding time. It’s been a bit since Beau and Fjord checked in, so that was a cool Fjord-Beau moment that was nice to have, like, we’re still bros, it’s great.”

Jester just wanted to make Beau feel better, especially as she realized that she’d been a little oblivious in cheering about how great her dad was: “It was so crazy, the minute we got there and you reverted back to the initial Beau, the first Beau that we met, and then even further past that. It just killed Jester to see that.” Marisha notes that the moment when Jester pulled Beau aside, she was about to lose it: “I tried to work Beau in a direction of growth, and getting to a point where she’s not angry and snappy and just fucking lashing out at people. So Beau’s going to try to keep her cool, and then I was literally sucking in the air, and you were like, ‘Come here,’ and that was just enough to get the reset button and the calm. She’s not in a place to forgive her parents, but Jester talking about the poison of holding on to all of that was kind of what, I was like, okay. I can use this in that moment to not have to make it about forgiving my parents right now, or ever, but to be able to start to heal and separate from that and that past. And for Beau to forgive herself.” Laura, after the game, was worried that it came across as Jester trying to get Beau to forgive her dad, and Beau notes that not seeing even a fraction of the effort the Gentleman has put forward kind of wiped that possibility out.

Beau’s grown a lot since she was last home. “The Mighty Nein has helped Beau trust in other people around her and come out of her shell and learn how to control her outbursts and her blaming other people and her anger. That’s so far from the Beau that was in that house.” Marisha was actually startled at herself when Beau snapped at Nott over the horse. “It was immediately all those bad thoughts were coming back, so it felt like Beau was on the verge of reverting.” Laura: “Nothing makes you fucking regress to your childhood mannerisms and behaviors faster than going home.”

Jester believes that “love is stronger than anything else”. She knows her parents still love each other, so “any of those other crazy things, they can work through.”

On whether Beau’s dad is really worried about her: “I think he cares to the extent that anyone cares about anyone’s general safety. I think he’s concerned about himself first, and what he has, and then I think he’s concerned about Beau next, after that. But I don’t know, maybe I’m being incredibly harsh. But there is, to this point, that element of what’s the twist.” Laura notes that she got a really high insight check on Beau’s dad. “There’s a reason that I was like, maybe give him open ears” at that moment.

Cosplay of the Week: a very detailed Molly! (GalacticLeah, photo by Fricbergsean)

On potentially leaving the Lionetts destitute if they destroy the hag, Laura and Marisha say, in unison: “Fuck the Lionetts.” They note that they’ve got the resources to make sure T.J. will be fine, and that’s all that really matters.

Has Jester forgiven her father? “I don’t think Jester’s angry at him. She’s very empathetic. She’s very good at going, okay, I see it from your side. And I think she was afraid more that something bad had happened to him. Obviously, if he could have returned, he would have, because he loved her mother so much. So I don’t think she’s angry at him. I don’t think, necessarily, she doesn’t think he’s perfect, but she’s making the best of the situation. I think she’s just happy that he’s around. Make up for lost time.”

Brian asks about how different it is to be supportive of each other and exploring backstories in this campaign versus with the last campaign’s more archetypal characters. Marisha: “It feels like the campaign has been very muddy and not black-and-white. The same for every person’s individual backstory issues.” She notes that there’s a lot more ambiguity. Laura: “Vex wasn’t empathetic. She was sympathetic sometimes, but sometimes when Keyleth was going through something, Vex was like, come on, get your shit together.” Brian notes just how different everyone’s characters are this time around. “It’s awesome!”

Laura notes that TJ ran up to Beau and called her sister, which means that they’ve been talking about her consistently for him to recognize her. “So there is a level there.” Marisha notes that Beau has very mixed feelings about her mom, too. “She’d never offer support, or want to challenge Thoreau.” So now she’s wondering if her mom has been quietly talking her up to TJ, or if it’s both of them. 

Fan Art of the week: Beau and TJ! (by ItsMalenyLopez)

Jester’s perspective on the Gentleman’s partners: “You can sleep with people, but don’t form a fucking relationship with them. That’s the difference.”

Marisha, on working with difficult topics on the show: “The audience goes away in the moment. Yes, it’s hard, yes, it’s cathartic, and yes, it’s something on a whole other level. It’s why roleplaying games are so fucking awesome, because they allow you to do that.” Marisha notes that she has a great relationship with her own parents, but getting to explore is interesting. “It’s hard to describe.” Laura: “There’s a safety there, to be able to dive into these places.” Marisha: “With all of these issues, these issues are skinned, but the root of them are often very relatable issues that everyone goes through. So there is a certain amount of catharsis to that. So while I personally had a good relationship with my parents, I’m accustomed to feeling shut out, feeling misunderstood, going through psychological abuse, all of those things. And, of course, everyone knows someone who has probably experienced those things first-hand, so you can get a sense of understanding in some ways, but there’s layers of everything that you’re doing that can totally think back to things that were from your life.” Laura: “I think that RPGs are so great for just humanity in general, because it really makes you see things from another person’s perspective.” Marisha: “It takes time. I don’t recommend anybody try to do something like this out of the gate with your first game.” Laura: “No, I mean, we’ve been playing this game together as a family now for eight years. And we’re just now getting to stuff like this. All that time of building trust and being able to know, okay, if I go to these levels, I’m going to have the support of the people around me.” Marisha: “The whole thing is a trust fall.”

Jester’s opinion on the M9′s worry about the Traveler’s cultishness? “Well-meaning but paranoid.” Before leaving the Lavish Chateau, she barely told anyone about the Traveler, and they all just accepted him as her imaginary friend. “She knows he’s godly. She knows how powerful he is. There is a little bit of ‘Oh, that’s weird,’ seeing how other gods deal with their... constituents?” Laura notes that she has absolutely no idea what Traveler-Con is going to be like.

Beau has always been aware that her tattoo has the jade/tarot connections with her father as well. “That’s why Beau was so salty with Molly when he was trying to tell fortunes from the beginning. It’s all layered. Didn’t intend for it, but jade just happened to be the one that boosts wisdom.”

Marisha and Laura both note that defeating more traditional enemies can be easily resolved in a way that can be used to block out the things that are really bothering you. Family issues, on the other hand, usually don’t have a simple resolution.

[tata-is-the-name]

Tickle My Pickle (Bi!Tj Hammond x You)

Characters: NSFW. Needy!Bi!TJ Hammond x You

Summary: You were in the midst of reviewing for your exams and Tj barged into your home with a need to tickle his pickle. But, then you asked where his pickle was and everything turned upside down. Including you. ;)

Warning: A LOT of sexual references. Tj being one needy hottie. Tj being pranked by his friends with some certain type of drug. Wink wink nudge nudge. No smut yet, but words are straight to the point in this one. 

Words: 1,371 words. Short. I know. Heehee. I plan to cockblock y’all.

A/N: IF YOU’RE NOT 18+ PLEASE LOOK AWAY SMOL TATER TOT.  

Oneshot Taglist: @anxiousamandapanda @hopefulfangirlblr​

Disclaimer: GIF'S and PNG'S aren't mine, however the whole one shot and edits are rightfully mine to begin with.

PLAGIARISM IS A CRIME. ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO COMMENT AND REBLOG, TATER TOT!

"God, I need to tickle my pickle,"

 Tj Hammond blurted out loud as he deeply let out a sigh. Exclaiming his exasperation at everything happening around the world.

The handsome baby boy was slouched opposite of you. Top part of his body was unclad; wearing nothing but a pair of black, tight, ripped jeans. He sat with his back lazily behind the couch and at the same time, Thomas was fiddling with the pendant dangling around his neck. The silver, stainless object being one lucky charm at having the moment of its life by getting the opportunity to lay on Tj's lean, protuberant chest that you've loved to caress.

You've audibly huffed. Eyes solely on the annoying pendant that Tj has been fiddling since the moment he got there. Thus, you got no other choice but to sit in front of the cute, white, table with legs crossed while you tried to get a full on review for your test tomorrow.

You've lifted your head prior to nose diving on your notebook. A questionable gaze falling back towards your huffing baby boy who had his Crimson lips in a cute pout. There was a small smile urging your face to contort, "Your what? Tickle your what now?"

The latter huffed another audible sigh, grumbles left his lips as he shook his right leg up and down in an anxious manner or rather in a sense that he was having filthy thoughts inside his head that looked like he was riling himself up. You knew him and his ways, even knew his minimal gestures and your boyfriend seemed to be in a thirsty state that only you could satiate.

"My pickle," Tj grumbled with a tight crease of his perfectly shaped brows, voice turning gravel-like and a lot more frustrated as his leg swung faster like he was nervous or something.

"Where's your pickle? What pickle?"

Thomas didn't know what to do at that response and it just urged him to chuckle so lowly that your response made him thwart even more. He tightly bit his lip and unconsciously spread his legs apart. Manspreading at it's finest and it made you snap your eyes towards the center of him where a bulge began to tent since the moment he arrived. Nape languidly falling on the back of the couch as he momentarily closed his beautiful baby blues with a leg still swinging up and down like he was trying hard not to take off his clothes for you.

You've inspected his actions, the way he was swinging his leg up to the part where he had a prominent bulge wanting to come out of his pants. Did he seriously just took something to make himself suffer?

Your stressed out baby boy sighed a deep one, unconsciously smoothing his hand down his clothed thighs with his damp hands, his thumbs giving a swipe on the apex of his thighs before closing and manspreading his legs apart. "--And the most dumbest woman goes to...drumrolls please," Tj uttered out loud with emphasis, hands clapping together like an idiot which made you give him the stink eye, "Y/N Y/L/N!"

Now that the notebook was forgotten. A point was ticked for a man who had a mission and you noticed him grin with his eyes closed. You turned your book shut and frustratingly inquired, "What? I don't even--whatever, Hammond,"

With your hands behind your back, you've scanned your troubled baby boy. He was now sitting up right, head lifted off the couch and his set of pretty baby blues focusing on you. He licked his lips and eyed your over sized shirt. Taut nipples could be seen and he knew you were beginning to be distracted; to be turned on.

You boyfriend managed to drop a hand in the middle of his clothed thighs, thumbs softly caressing the fly that was bound to be opened. He subtly groaned to himself and just wanted to have his release since the moment he'd been on Tone's party, the latter couldn't stay put. Especially when he had received a drink from the birthday boy himself. He didn't forget to leave a loud cuss back in Tone's home because a little while later after he'd taken his drink, Tj began to sweat and feel so hot. The type of hot that he needed to quench and he didn't need those male model or women who was invited to relieve the itch he'd been feeling. That was Tone's mission, but his was different. His friend probably didn't even know that his relationship with you was actually serious. In Tone's perspective, how will it even be serious when he's a thirty year old man and you're a college student who managed to run into him in the supermarket where he had first seen Sean.

Tone has been telling him not to be serious in this relationship he had with you because what if history repeats itself and Tj unfortunately had his heart up his sleeves again?

It's like the memories brought back memories because what happened back when he saw Sean, eventually happened when he ran into you. He was scared at first because his first thoughts was that maybe it'll be a repeat of the disaster he'd had, but once he began to feel the happiness you always bring, those negative thoughts slowly went away. Slowly but surely.

"Did you just take some Viagra or something because you look bothered?"

The tone in your voice was a complete cringe. You were straight out staring at his straining bulge that seemed to stress out of its confinement, eyes squinted at the tent raging inside his pants. You reluctantly stood on your feet, planning to see if the bulge was even real. But, the truth is you just wanted to touch him.

It's been days since he hadn't visited you. Especially that you were having your exam week and you've restricted him to visit you in the midst of your review because god knows how he was a complete, utter distraction for you.

Says the feet that unconsciously went to where he sat.

Your question has been ignored by the latter, Tj didn't know how to tell you that he was pranked by one of his closest friends. Offering him a drink but actually had Viagra inside of the liquor. He couldn't help but groan at how stupid he was for not noticing his friend's grins when they offered it to him. Now, he was left all hot and bothered. Too hot and too bothered. "You are seriously the most ignorant little thing," he gravelly spoke as a matter of fact. Teeth subtly biting his lower lip as his mind simply went downwards. He could just imagine you licking his balls for all he care.

Damn, yes. He wanted you to lick his balls with all your might.

He groaned out loud and whined like a baby who haven't been giving the candy he'd been asking, "Are you even my girlfriend? Think I need to find a boyfriend too so he could tickle my pickle? Get it?" a chuckle left his lips and it grew an invisible blush on your face once you've realized what

"Oh," you wanted to smack yourself on the head for being stupid, "Oooooh, you meant--"

Your Tj nodded a huge one. Humming as he does so and his pretty baby blues met yours in a longing and devouring state, his face contorting into a grin as he languidly got his back off the couch, leaning closer and grabbing a hold of your hand. Beautiful pair of eyes gazing back up, completely naive from the salacious proposal of giving himself to you. His thumbs slowly caressed your burning knuckles, both of your bodies hot for the itch that was bound to be scratched. He languidly maneuvered your knuckles to where his lips rested, tenderly giving it a kiss. The provocativeness of drawing his kisses till the tops of your wrist created a ball of knotted butterflies in the pits of your stomach as you noticed Tj's pupils dilate in a manner that could get you kneeling before him in a hot second.

"Yeah, I meant I wanted to master bate, get my cock sucked or maybe if I’m lucky enough, you’ll let my pickle inside that exceptionally tight jar of yours, Love."

RAW AND UNEDITED. NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY TJ. TSK. 

DO Y’ALL HAVE BLUEBALLS NOW--LOL. HAHHAHAHHA. IF YOU WANNA BE UPDATED WITH MY POSTS, GO FOLLOW ME AND TURN ON THE NOTIFICATION BUTTON OR SEND ME AN ASK/DM ME IF YOU WANNA BE TAGGED WITH EVERY ONESHOT I POST! NOW, WHO WANTS TO TICKLE TJ’S PICKLE? HEEHEE! GO COMMENT, REBLOG AND GIVE THIS ONESHOT A HEART!

[multimetaverse]

there is dumb josh drama on Twitter @enbyriley has compiled a whole google doc on things they’re angry at him for. This is of little interest to us, but there are DM screenshots in there that strongly suggest Gary Marsh was in the way of andi mack. docs doot google doot com/document/d/1-qh1c5y7y2TglXQIKcNpTqISWmDZRoW3V472oU1wkRQ

Yeah it’s the most honest we’ve seen anyone from Andi Mack be about the censorship and restrictions they faced and those ultimately came from Gary Marsh. I really don’t care about this rehashed drama, some of it is serious stuff that I hope Josh has properly atoned for but a lot of it is pretty minor and some of these accusations seem very flimsy and don’t have any evidence to back them up. Obviously Josh should never have been so involved with the fandom across so many different platforms and I think to an extent he was failed by the adults in his life, I get that some of these instagram and discord group chats would have been private and hidden but his tumblr and twitter were public and open for everyone to see and someone whether his parents, his team, someone from the show, or someone from Disney should have intervened a long time ago. I think a lot of it has to do with not having the social network that an average kid would have which is part of a broader question of whether we as a society should be putting child actors into an adult world of working that denies them a normal childhood and forces them to grow up too fast.

It was always clear that Gary Marsh was hurting the show; the censorship was right there in front of our eyes and only got worse as the show went on. I am surprised that Josh would so openly admit it and that it didn’t leak until now. A lot of people in the fandom had a misconception that the show was cancelled because of canon Tyrus but in reality the show was cancelled before the writing of 3x10 while permission for canon Tyrus was only given during the writing of 3x21. 3x10 was filmed in August while 3x21 was filmed in December so for Disney the question wasn’t whether to cancel the show because they didn’t want to deal with a gay relationship but whether they were going to let the show end without a canon gay relationship. 

I don’t blame Josh for being frustrated and also not for wanting to work for Disney Channel again; after all it was his characters story line that was being hurt. With the exception of Bex’s aborted Gabriel story line in 2a, Gary pretty much let Terri and the writers do what they wanted: Bex’s teen pregnancy, Andi not knowing her who father was, racism, sexism, bullying, panic attacks, learning disabilities, arrests, a funeral, and financial issues. Terri wants a Jandi, Jamber, and Muffy kiss? Sure no problem. Cyrus kissing Iris twice? Go for it! Hell they had no problem doing a gun safety plot line, we got the word gun said on Disney Channel before the word gay. And there was a reason that Cyrus and TJ could talk about the gun but not about their own feelings. 

That’s not to say that our boy Gary is a virulent homophobe because he wouldn’t have let there be a gay character in the first place or let Cyrus come out but clearly he views two boys having feelings for each other as something far more controversial and risque than literally everything else the show tackled up to and including a gun plot line which Disney was happy to promote. Andi Mack was an important step forward for rep but there is no other rep on Disney Channel right now, not even brief Good Luck Charlie style rep, and again that’s all on Gary. 

Josh blames Gary Marsh for there not being a Tyrus kiss which is obviously correct. A lot of people swallowed Terri’s spin in her post finale Paste magazine interview but of course she was lying about her ability to have a Tyrus kiss approved and wasn’t going to bad mouth Disney in anyway and jeopardize her Lizzie McGuire reboot. We had three conversations between Cyrus and Buffy in 3x13, 3x15, and 3x21 where Cyrus talked about his feelings for TJ in a coded way that doesn’t make any sense in universe since he was able to talk about his crush on Jonah with Buffy in S2 and in 3x11 he used the word gay. Was it a creative choice to have Cyrus never openly discuss his feelings for TJ? Of course not, Terri just couldn’t get it approved and if she couldn’t even get an open discussion of feelings approved then she was never going to get a kiss.

There’s a lot that Terri and the writers can and should be blamed for in regards to the Tyrus story line especially in S3 but if they had foreseen the restrictions they’d face then they wouldn’t have had Cyrus kiss Iris twice, or go on group and individual dates with Iris, or come up with a mashup name for them, or have Cyrus introduce Iris as his girlfriend to Andi and Buffy. The bench scene was the best ending we were going to get for Tyrus with Gary’s restrictions and Terri’s writing but it wasn’t an ending that will age well. 

When I was talking about Seblos and Tyrus in my HSMTMTS 1x05 review I shared a snippet of an interview Gary Marsh did in 2008 regarding Ryan’s character being coded as gay in the HSM movies but not alowed to actually be gay:

Regarding the fact that there are boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in the HSM movies, Marsh interjected, “Yeah, but that’s not about sex,” as though having two boyfriends equals full-tilt boogie. And as to why there can be boyfriend and girlfriends but not two boyfriends, he could only note, “It’s just not something that we’ve ever had the opportunity to portray. It hasn’t been a place we’ve gone.”

Again I don’t think he’s personally homophobic and I don’t think he’d publicly make such a statement today but when the man in charge of Disney Channel equates a same sex relationship with sex then that’s not something he views as appropriate for children or for Disney Channel. It explains why it would be until 2014 until there was lgbtq rep on Disney with the lesbian moms on Good Luck Charlie, why there wouldn’t be an openly gay character until 2017 when Cyrus came out to Buffy, and why there wouldn’t a gay relationship until 2019 when Cyrus and TJ held hands and it explains why there’s no other rep on Disney Channel. It’s deeper issue than just one executive and it’s likely that Gary Marsh’s successor will hold somewhat similar views which means that Tyrus could be the only rep on Disney Channel and the only rep anywhere on Disney with younger kids played by actual kids for a while.

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Appare Ranman episode 13 closed off the series and I think it was quite an eh ending. Gil gets taken out by Dylan and TJ only with no notable differences in the situation between this fight and the last, they sorta just win anyway because the plot’s done so they need to. And then they also do that “oh let’s not kill him so we don’t have to prove him right” thing which like, it could’ve felt like more of a copout, so it’s not the worst possible outcome, but idk it still feels weak, especially since we’ve already had Kosame kill someone else. I also didn’t really feel like stopping a train with a car was as cool or climactic a finish as it was probably supposed to feel. And then having a like month timeskip so we can cut to the end of a second attempt at the race where Appare and that are able to win, like it’s something I can make sense of in that we don’t really need to spend loads of time on it, but it wasn’t exactly all that exciting either. The last big scene is Kosame actually not going to Japan and only revealing that after Appare pours his heart out about wanting him to stay. Predictable, but I did actually like this scene, it was a nice moment for both characters, and Kosame blushing in the back as Appare talks about wanting him to stay was cute.

And yeah, that’s the show. Bit of a limp note to end on but it was a pretty fun ride for the most part. There are cool setpieces and colourfully delightful character designs that perform quite well in the ensemble cast, and in terms of tone and visuals it delivered really well. There’s also a lot of pretty good character drama, albeit it was the type of shit that maybe more could’ve been done with? Xialin’s story is any other “women in a man’s world” narrative, and it was fine but over all too quickly, and it was weird to see the show tackle sexism without ever really touching on racism. Having a damsel in distress was also a questionable choice. Really my biggest problem with the show is the length. I think the show’s too short, and that works against letting the main conceit of it breathe. We spend about 5 or 6 episodes prepping for the race, then spend about 4 doing race shit before the final boss interrupts the show for its last few episodes. All of that stuff was good, but there were just a lot less whacky race hijinx than I wanted from this - shit like the valley being blown up with dynamite or fighting our way out of being hanged in a ghost town should’ve been the overwhelming majority of the show, but we just spend time on other stuff. Again the other stuff’s good, I don’t think it should be removed to have more time on the race or anything, but maybe another cour to really let the race be what this was all about would’ve been better. Oh well. 7/10, I still really liked it.

[tjkiahgb]

Listen, I got so caught up in Tyrus Week, spending hours and hours going through tags and liking posts and queuing reblogs, that I pretty much pushed everything else to the side. (Plus I’ve also been working on the next thing I’ll tell you guys about in the next few days.)

All that is to say, I got a lot of stuff in my inbox this last week, so I’m just going to tackle a bunch of them in... A LIGHTNING ROUND.

Let’s go.

And before you ask, yes, I made a graphic for it.

Looks like this Andi Mack finale party has turned into... a death party.

Would’ve been a strange choice for Terri Minsky to turn the finale of Andi Mack into a murder mystery, but if that’s what she wanted, I’d trust her.

I don’t watch that show but I know some people who do and they’ve told me it’s just light and airy and pleasant, so, yeah, sounds right up Cyrus’s alley.

You guys are shouting Lightning Round! every time the graphic comes up, right?

I, like TJ, am just some guy. I tell everyone who asks to call me Jay. Jay is long for “J”, which is short for another name that I, also like TJ, only let people related to me by blood or my soulmate know about. I will say it’s not Jagger, though. I wish.

That wasn’t my intention while writing TJ and the Gals, but as with all art, or whatever TJ and the Gals was, once it’s out of the creator’s hands, it belongs to the people.

No.

Thelonious Jagger Kippen Is A Hashtag Good Boi.

Shoutout to my FAQ page, where you can find information like this and more. Not blaming you, anon, I’ve gotten this a lot and the FAQ page is hard to find. I mostly just delete the question and let the anon live in mystery because I’m chaotic something. I’m only answering this now because it’s the

You know the shook_bitch? Thank them from me for getting Disney Channel to respond to them, and congratulate them on being the subject of the best comment the Disney Channel Instagram account ever made.

Yeah, I went back and checked and Jonah only says in 3x12 that his dad made a bad investment, not lost a job or anything.

It really seems like he’s been managing the Judy Bartholomew fortune all these years. We don’t know anything else of him other than he was once a background workout video guy and he has at least enough knowledge about baseball to coach little league.

Hopefully the new job is providing him with a solid salary, but if not, I think the world is ready for a Judy Bartholomew comeback.

Judy Bartholomew: Still Trottin’ After All These Years

I’m not entirely sure exactly which girl we’re talking about here. I think this one:

I will say, she does seem into it. She’s like, oh, things are about to get gay in here.

Honestly, there were so many background actors killing it in this scene.

You’ve got this guy...

...who hears the beginning of “Born This Way” and reacts like it’s ruined his evening. I mean, I was a little tired of it, too, when it was being played on the radio over and over and over, but it’s been some years. It’s not overplayed as much anymore and it definitely wouldn’t make me this upset. (He pops up later in the song and is happily dancing, so maybe he thought it was the beginning of a different song?)

Then there’s this girl...

...who is feeling it. She’s like, hell yeah, this is my jam!

And there’s this girl in the goggles...

...who, after TJ and Cyrus sing the “be myself, respect my youth” part, is like, okayyyy. I see you.

Here’s a fun(?) behind-the-scenes thing for this blog. A few months back, I was thinking about ways to replace “Moments” if we had, by some miracle, gotten a season four, since I would’ve run out of moments weeks after the finale. What I came up with was “The Random Andi Mack Extra of the Day.” It would’ve just been screenshots of random extras throughout the show’s run. Upon some reflection, this was a bad idea.

The first problem here is that I get the feeling those posts would’ve gotten, at most, 20-30 notes each, because no one really cares about random, out of context extras and it doesn’t seem like a thing people would want to reblog.

The second problem is, knowing myself, I probably would’ve spent hundreds of hours during the hiatus between s3 and s4 making 1000 of them in the first place, just so I could have them ready to go. I would’ve absolutely done this without testing the waters first to see if there was any interest. (Just like with the “Moments.” I made like 300 of them before I made the first post about them.)

So, the most likely scenario was going to be me, two weeks into “The RAMEotD,” looking at flopping posts, then looking at my folder of 800 screenshots of Andi Mack extras and going, “Well, what am I going to do, not post them? I already did all the work!” And I would keeping queuing them up, and they would keep appearing on this blog every day, and they would taunt me with their 22 notes. You remember the work you did? IT WAS FOR BUT A PITTANCE!

So I guess what I’m saying is maybe it’s for the best. The cancellation saves me from myself.

Hey, though, heads up. If and when you go back and watch the series again, pay attention to the extras -- the unsung heroes of the entertainment industry. There are some extras reallllly putting in work on this show. It absolutely adds to the delightful quality of Andi Mack. Every time I would spot someone in the background being goofy or really overselling whatever they were supposed to be experiencing, it filled me with joy.

It’s a fun show. Everything about it is fun, including the little details.

Ooh, a serious one. This is going to be my first ever hybrid Discussion/Analysis post.

Okay, so I think we’re talking about two different things here.

I won’t argue that I think Tyrus could have absolutely happened sooner and been explored more.

I obviously can’t say with certainty, but I assume that was at least somewhat the plan leading out of season two. The setup for their relationship was all already there by the end of it. They’d met, they had bumps, they grew really close, and they capped the whole season off with TJ looking back at Cyrus. All the elements were in place that you could jump right into this storyline in TJ’s next appearance. (Not necessarily them canoning, but at least the exploration of TJ’s feelings or some movement towards canoning.)

When Cyrus’s lookback happened, it was addressed in the very next episode (granted following a break in seasons). I don’t know that TJ’s would’ve been as immediate, but I don’t think you have him look back in the season two finale if you don’t intend on truly paying it off for 21 episodes. (Or, at least 13, if you want to say 3x13 was the real start of a storyline involving TJ’s homosexuality.)

So, yeah, look, I’m speculating wildly, but I would imagine the original creative idea was to address TJ’s lookback early in season three and start getting into it, and that, yes, that idea was likely kiboshed from above.

What I will argue is that the bench scene is subtle but not ambiguous. We’ve made the semi-joke constantly around here that there’s “No heterosexual explanation for this!” but, truly, there is no heterosexual explanation for the bench scene: two boys, one of whom has already explicitly stated he’s gay, slowly reaching for and holding each other’s hands, intertwining their fingers while they sit by the fire and stare into each other’s eyes, nervously smiling. This is something that has been built towards for multiple seasons. If you’ve been watching the show, if you’ve been paying attention to it, if you care about the characters, especially TJ and Cyrus, it’s very clear what’s happening here.

This feels like talking about people who weren’t sure Cyrus was gay after the first two times he came out because he didn’t use the word. Or people who thought Cyrus wasn’t gay anymore after he said his crush on Jonah was gone. I sympathize with some of the younger set who maybe don’t have the world sense to follow along with this, but, come on, at some point, we’re three seasons in and you have to keep up with the level of the storytelling. I don’t mean this in an insulting way, but if someone can’t get what’s happening here, then maybe this whole thing isn’t for them. Maybe if all they know right now is that Cyrus is gay and accepted and happy, then that’s good enough, and they can hold onto that idea and grow with that and catch the next train, whenever it comes along. Maybe this moment is for all the people who get it.

That’s about the kids in the casual audience. Now, if we’re talking about an adult homophobe -- one who would express the kind of outrage that we believe Disney fears -- it’s a different story. If an adult homophobe is really watching that scene and thinking, “Seems pretty straight to me” then it feels like it doesn’t matter what they would’ve done in the finale. They could’ve said “gay,” they could’ve said “boyfriend,” Cyrus and TJ could’ve lead a pride parade down the street outside Celia’s house while blasting -- well, I was going to pick a gay song here for the joke, but probably “Born This Way” would be the most appropriate one, so -- “Born This Way” from loud speakers, and that homophobe would’ve been like, “Nice parade.” As ignorant as homophobes are, even they are not that dense. An adult pretending Tyrus isn’t a couple after the bench scene requires a level of impenetrably willful ignorance.

Anyway, the truth is that angry homophobes aren’t watching the show. They never do. They like to read headlines and get mad, but they’re cowardly and, most of all, lazy, and they don’t like to put in the actual footwork. They like to leave comments on articles they haven’t read, about shows they haven’t watched. They like to post reactions to stuff they see in their Facebook feed or send one sentence responses like, “There goes Disney Channel!!!” or “What is happening to our country?!?!” And then they like to scroll on to the next thing that will feed their sad rage about how the world is changing around them.

If you want to think about Disney censorship as a way of preventing those homophobes from being outraged, it’s not the textuality of the scene itself, it’s the placement at the end. Delaying them canoning until the finale just makes for less work. Show’s over. There’s nothing to defend. No one’s signing a petition to get a show off the air that’s just aired its last episode. Most of the articles written will be about everything happening in the finale, and Tyrus would just be a part of it.

And that is more or less what’s happened. Just about every major article I’ve seen about the finale has discussed Tyrus, and discussed them as textually getting together -- again, there’s no ambiguity there -- but has also brought them up in conjunction with what happened with Andi and Jonah, with Muffy getting together, and with Andi getting into SAVA. And the articles themselves tend to largely be about the show ending as a whole and its impact. (No one needs to send me articles trying to prove or disprove this. I’ve been over a lot of them. Some are more Tyrus focused -- the ones in the gay media for sure -- and some just mention it -- more traditional media sources. This is the general gist of most of them.)

So the article headlines mostly read “Andi Mack Finale” or “Andi Mack Ends Run” or something like that. The homophobes -- who, again, aren’t watching the show and are getting all their information about it via article headlines -- see those headlines and don’t even remember Andi Mack was the show they hated from two years ago because their rage is mostly performative and short-lived. They get mad in the minute but forget about the specifics of the stuff within a day.

Like I said in the recap, I won’t argue that there’s a scene with more that wouldn’t work, but I personally don’t see the bench scene as not having accomplished everything it needed to.

Oh, that went longer than I thought it was going to be. Not very lightning round of me.

This actually got sent a while back but it was still in my inbox and I figured I’d throw it in here in case the anon saw it. Lightning round!

Sorry, anon, I wasn’t ignoring you and I appreciate you reading my old recaps, but you were the second anon to piece together that I am actually blessed with psychic powers.

I don’t really have any plans to, sorry.

I had only planned to do one set before and after the finale for Tyrus Week, but I will point you and anyone else interested in making their own TJ and Cyrus texts to this post I made that should give you the basic tools needed for the job. (Use them! You wouldn’t believe what a pain in the butt it was to get that background clean like that!)

Thank you, honestly. That’s so, so sweet. But I have no plans to do that.

Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I’m working on something now that I’ll tell you guys about shortly that’s look-backy and will hit on some stuff from those seasons. (Though not in the same vein as the recaps.)

The recaps take a long time to produce, and as much as I’ve loved this show and this fandom, I will be honest and tell you guys I am sort of planning my exit.

This blog has become something of a part-time job for me. Not in the work sense because I have truly enjoyed all this, but just in the time sense. I’ve put a lot of time in and I would like to rededicate that time back toward other things I’ve put on hold for the last year and a half.

It’s starting to feel like making you shout Lightning Round! each time was a mistake now that I’m answering stuff seriously or sadly.

I was getting emotional multiple times while writing it, because of the show, because of the fandom, because of this whole journey we’ve all been on together.

I appreciate you saying this so much because that’s what I’ve always hoped has come through in the things I’ve written about this show. That I’ll make jokes or point out holes or goofy details or whatever, but that I couldn’t do this -- I couldn’t commit myself to this as much as I have -- if I truly didn’t love the show. That everything I’m doing here comes from a place of love and celebrating the show and embracing it for its good stuff and its silly stuff.

It wasn’t a perfect show, but that was always what made it kind of perfect.

Thanks for the asks. Thus ends the lightning round.

[seraph-novak]

Tyrus Doctor AU inspired by Schmico (Levi Schmitt and Nico Kim) with AM as side characters pls!!

If you enjoy the fic, please like/comment/reblog! All forms of feedback mean the world to me ♥

P.S. You don’t need to watch Grey’s Anatomy to read this fic. 

~~~~~

It was barely six in the morning when Cyrus shuffled into The Pit, one hand wrapped around a paper cup of coffee while the other sluggishly patted his pillow-mussed hair into shape. The sun was still making its slow ascent into the sky, spilling its morning glow across the ambulance bay outside, but Shadyside Hospital was already alive with people – patients and practitioners alike. As always, the air was buzzing with a frantic, suspenseful energy, but Cyrus had a feeling that today’s shift was going to be even crazier than usual.

As soon as he spotted Andi and Buffy standing next to a row of gurneys on the side of the room, Cyrus downed the last of his coffee, dumped his cup in the nearest bin, and dragged himself across The Pit to join them. His presence was met with a couple of weary nods.

“Morning, Cy,” Andi greeted him, blinking her tired eyes open as she attempted a small smile. “Sleep well?”

Cyrus groaned. “Too well… I didn’t wanna leave my bed.”

“I never do.”

“You two are depressing,” Buffy said with the quirk of an eyebrow. Despite the dark smudges beneath her eyes, she seemed relatively well-rested, and Cyrus envied her for it. “Whose service are you on today?”

“No clue,” Cyrus said. He stifled a yawn with the back of his hand and shrugged. “I’ll probably be stuck in the clinic again, knowing my luck.”

“The clinic isn’t that bad.”

“It’s grunt work, and you know it.”

Buffy opened her mouth to protest, then changed her mind, probably deciding it was too early in the morning for a debate. “Okay, you’re right. It isn’t great in there.”

“You’ve never worked a day in the clinic,” Andi said, shooting Buffy a teasing glare. “The residents probably fight over you.”

“It’s not my fault everyone wants me on their service.” Buffy cracked her knuckles and grinned, playfully rolling her eyes at Andi’s unimpressed expression. “Oh, don’t look at me like that… You’re the one dating a resident.”

Andi folded her arms defensively. “I’ve never asked Amber to do me any favours.”

“I’m not suggesting you have. But if anyone’s got an advantage here, it’s definitely you.”

“Please stop bickering,” Cyrus pleaded, gingerly rubbing his temples to ease the pounding in his head. The bright lights of The Pit never failed to give him a headache, especially when he was still in the process of waking up. “I would give anything to be put on radiology today,” he continued groggily. “Somewhere dark and quiet, where I could nap in peace…”

Buffy punched him in the shoulder. “You’re a surgical intern,” she said, as if he needed reminding. “You don’t get to nap.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sleep is a thing of the past for people like us.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“I can’t help it!” he exclaimed, flapping his arms like a bird caught in a net. “I’m tired. And when I’m tired, I get cranky. And when I’m cranky, I get dramatic. It’s a vicious circle!”

“Well, you better reel it in,” Buffy said, dropping her voice to an urgent whisper. “Dr. Metcalf’s coming over.”

Within seconds, the Chief of Surgery was looming over them, wearing his signature frown as he carefully surveyed the interns with a pair of sharp, judgemental eyes. After a few moments of tense silence, the older man wrinkled his nose and leaned back. 

“Don’t you three have someplace to be?” he asked, phrasing the question like a warning.

“Yes, Dr. Metcalf,” Andi and Buffy squeaked in unison, their eyes as wide as dinner plates. When Cyrus didn’t say a word, they both turned to him with questioning looks of horror.

“I don’t actually know whose service I’m on today,” he hurried to explain, his voice trembling slightly.

Dr. Metcalf sighed. “The incompetency of you interns is astonishing.”

“Sorry, sir.”

“Don’t apologise. Just get to work!”

“But –”

“Go with the first resident you see for today. But don’t let this kind of amateur mistake happen again. Do you understand?”

Cyrus gulped. “Yes, sir.”

As soon as Dr. Metcalf walked away, Cyrus allowed himself to breathe again, his wobbly legs giving way as he slumped against Buffy’s side for support.

“I think I just peed myself.”

Andi snorted. “Are you okay, Cy?”

“Yeah. Just traumatised. Nothing major.”

“There you go again with the dramatics,” Buffy said, shoving him off with a shrug. As she was pressing the crinkles out of her scrubs, her eyes landed on something across the room, and a devious smirk appeared on her lips. “Well, I guess that answers the question of whose service you’re on today.”

Before Cyrus could ask any questions, Buffy grabbed his chin and turned his head to the right, pointing his gaze towards a dirty-blond man in dark blue scrubs standing at the opposite end of The Pit, his green eyes scrolling up and down the tablet in his hands.

TJ Kippen. Or, as Buffy and Andi liked to call him, Cyrus’ big fat crush.

“Oh no,” Cyrus said, shaking his head as he took a step backwards, accidentally stumbling into a (thankfully) empty bed. “I can’t work with that guy… No way!”

Andi sidled up to Buffy with a matching smirk. “Dr. Metcalf did tell you to go with the first resident you see. You don’t want to disobey the Chief of Surgery, do you?”

“First of all, he’s a fellow –”

“Still counts.”

“ – and I can just pretend I never saw him,” Cyrus said, frantically scanning The Pit for any signs of another resident. The room was swarming with pale blue scrubs and white coats, but TJ Kippen was the only spot of darkness in sight. It was hopeless. “I can’t spend the entire day one-to-one with him,” Cyrus insisted. “What if he –”

“Winks at you again?” Buffy suggested, biting back a grin as Andi smothered her giggles with the sleeve of her coat. “Oh, the horror!”

“This is serious!”

“He’s only flirting with you,” Andi said, taking a deep breath to compose herself. “Maybe he likes you.”

“He’s a guy!” Cyrus hissed, instant heat rushing to his cheeks as a couple of heads turned their way. As soon as the attention had shifted away from them, he lowered his voice and continued, “A guy’s never flirted with me before. What am I supposed to do?”

“You let him down gently.” Andi flicked a glance at Buffy, her eyebrows raised in a silent question, then turned back to Cyrus with a shrug. “Unless you don’t want to, of course.”

Cyrus blanched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well… You do talk about him a lot.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Yes, you do,” Buffy said, scraping her hair into a bun on top of her head. The pager at her hip started buzzing as soon as she dropped her arms, and she answered it without hesitation. “Well, I wish I could stay here and talk some sense into you all morning, but some of us have work to do.” And with that, she pinched his cheek and made her way towards the double doors leading to the rest of the hospital, turning at the last second to give him a thumbs up. “Just go with your gut,” she shouted across The Pit. “You’ll be fine!”

A few minutes later, when the bustling crowds slowly started to thin out, Andi bit her lip and sighed. “I better get going too,” she said, offering Cyrus a sympathetic smile as he desperately clung to her arm. “Don’t worry, Cy. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Cyrus gulped. “But… What if I don’t know what I want to do?”

“Well, now’s your chance to figure it out.” She patted his hand and kissed his cheek, giving him a moment to gather his nerves, then pulled away. “I’ll see you at lunch, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, a sickly pallor washing his cheeks as he forced himself to nod. “See you later.”

With Andi and Buffy both gone, and the rest of the interns slowly trickling out of The Pit, Cyrus had no choice but to force his jellified legs across the room and formally introduce himself. Besides a few snatched looks across the operation table, and a couple of unexpected winks thrown his way in passing, he and TJ had never really interacted before. Cyrus had always tried to keep his distance, afraid of what he might do if he were left alone with the frustratingly charming paediatrician for too long. But apparently, he couldn’t avoid the other man forever.

“Um… Hello,” Cyrus said as he approached TJ, anxiously wringing his hands together. He could already feel the nervous sweat beading on his skin, and his face was practically starting to smoke as the blush in his cheeks grew darker and darker, almost reaching the tips of his ears by the time TJ finally turned around and acknowledged him.

“Hey,” the fellow greeted him, the corner of his mouth twitching with a smirk of recognition. “Are you on my service today?”

Cyrus cleared his throat. “Not exactly, but… I-I don’t really know where I’m supposed to be, so Dr. Metcalf told me to go with the first resident I saw.”

“But you picked me?”

“No! I-I mean… I saw you first, so…”

TJ’s gaze skipped over him – from the toes of his tennis shoes, all the way up to the unartfully-tousled mop of hair on top of his head – and finally settled on the spot between his eyes. After a moment of consideration, he made a humming noise and took a step closer, his flirtatious smile almost brushing against the shell of Cyrus’ ear.

“Lucky me,” he whispered.

A bolt of attraction pierced through Cyrus’ chest, taking him by surprise. He tore his eyes away from TJ and coughed into his fist, internally begging the heat in his face to finally subside, before it melted the skin off his cheekbones.

“You look nervous,” TJ observed, sounding genuinely concerned. “Are you okay?”

Cyrus nodded a little too enthusiastically. “Yes! I’m fine, I just… I’ve never done, um… p-paediatrics… before.”

“Oh.” TJ tilted his head to the side, probably wondering if Cyrus had deliberately injected as much implication as possible into that sentence, then gave him a friendly clap on the back. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’ll walk you through it.”

“You will?”

“That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?”

“Right! Yes. Exactly. Um… Thank you, TJ. I mean… Dr. Kippen. Sorry! I didn’t mean to –”

“Calm down,” TJ said, his eyes twinkling with laughter. “You’re Cyrus, right?”

“How do you –”

“I try to familiarise myself with all the interns. Especially the cute ones.”

Cyrus spluttered a nervous laugh and ducked his head, studiously avoiding TJ’s eyes. He hadn’t expected the fellow to be so forward with his flirting. A couple of winks in the corridor was one thing, but face-to-face compliments? He hadn’t prepared himself for that. How was he supposed to respond?

“Relax,” TJ said, as if he could sense the mental breakdown currently taking place inside his mind. “I’m only messing with you.”

For some reason, that didn’t make him feel any better. If anything, it made him feel worse. Disappointed. Did TJ flirt like this with all the interns? Was Cyrus nothing more than an easily-flustered nerd for him to play games with? Or was he completely overthinking this and acting like an idiot? It was probably the latter.

“Sorry,” he said, smiling and exhaling at the same time. “I guess I’m a little on edge.”

TJ grinned. “Little kids aren’t that scary, you know?”

“It’s the parents I’m most worried about.”

“Now that’s a legitimate fear.”

The two of them shared a smile, and Cyrus could feel the blush finally draining from his cheeks. When he wasn’t overanalysing every little thing TJ did, the man wasn’t too difficult to get along with. He was actually pretty nice. And… handsome? There was no point in denying it, especially inside his own head. TJ Kippen was a very handsome man, and Cyrus was at least 60% attracted to him. Maybe even more. Well, definitely more, but that wasn’t the point. Cyrus had never felt so comfortable about his sexuality – a thing only he, Buffy, and Andi were aware of – before. It was refreshing.

“We should probably get a move on,” TJ said, glancing down at his pager. When he looked back up at Cyrus, his usual smirk had fallen into place again. “There’s a broken arm with your name on it.”

“Um… Yay?”

“I love the enthusiasm.“ TJ gave him a quick wink, then spun on his heels and marched towards the doors. With his considerably long legs, it only took him a few strides to reach the other end of The Pit, leaving Cyrus standing by himself with his mouth hanging open. “Follow me, intern!”

Cyrus scrambled after him, the tail of his too-long coat slapping against the backs of his thighs as he rushed across the room. For the next few minutes, he followed TJ through the hospital, slipping through dense crowds and dodging incoming trolleys and wheelchairs as TJ seamlessly glided down the corridors. He clearly knew his way around the hospital, and Cyrus didn’t know whether to be impressed or intimidated.

“You still with me?” TJ asked over his shoulder.

Cyrus shouted a breathless “Yes” in response, almost running straight into the fellow’s back as he came to a sudden stop.

“Here we are.”

“Thank god,” Cyrus muttered under his breath.

TJ turned to him with a smile. He was standing with his arms folded in an authoritative kind of stance, but Cyrus could see the childlike excitement brimming beneath the surface. He obviously adored his job, and he couldn’t wait to share it with someone. Cyrus was just glad he got to be that lucky someone.

“This is this paediatrics ward,” TJ said, tapping a few things on his tablet as he swept Cyrus into a large room covered in stickers, paintings, and colourful posters.

“Wow,” Cyrus said, his heart fluttering at TJ’s responding grin.

“Impressive, right?”

“It’s amazing!”

“All of the paintings were made by the kids,” TJ explained as he guided Cyrus deeper into the room, taking a left at the end of the beds and down a corridor flanked by private rooms, some of them with crudely decorated nameplates hanging on the doors. “Painting seems to relax them, you know? The parents, too.”

Cyrus smiled at the back of TJ’s head, privately admiring the obvious affection the fellow had for his patients. “Looks like there’s a few budding artists in here.”

“Yeah.” TJ huffed a laugh. “Some of these kids are scarily talented. All of them, really, in their own little ways.”

“You really care about them, huh?”

TJ paused, his back still turned to Cyrus. The stiff set of the fellow’s shoulders made him worry he’d said something wrong, but when TJ turned to face him, his eyes were as bright as the radiant smile dimpling his cheeks. 

“I do,” he said sincerely. “Working here… I’ve seen some stuff that’s changed me, made me wanna throw in the towel and get out of medicine altogether. It’s not always easy, taking the responsibility of a child’s life into your hands.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, a shuddering breath passing between his fingers. “But then I think of all the kids I’ve saved, all the ones that still pay me visits and send me thank you cards, and it makes everything else worth it. The bad times. The hard times.” He smiled. “Working in paediatrics is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.”

Cyrus swallowed thickly, his fingers twitching with the urge to reach out and comfort the other man. But then TJ blinked, and the unshed tears in his eyes were replaced by a familiar hint of playful arrogance that made Cyrus’ heart stutter with uncontrollable desire. 

“Sorry for the sob story,” TJ said, flashing him a smile. “I guess I can’t control myself around cute guys.”

Cyrus spluttered. “Wait, what? Are you telling me that was just an elaborate pickup line?”

“Well, it was true,” TJ said, his lips twitching as he fought back a smirk. “I really do love the kids here, and working in paediatrics really is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. But I need to exaggerate it a little bit for the guys, you know? The sad, brooding doctor act never fails to work wonders.”

“That’s… kinda messed up.”

TJ shook his head. “Nah. The kids here are constantly bugging me about my love life. They’re kinda like my mini wingmen.”

“You’re sick,” Cyrus said, but his words were light with laughter. There was something quite endearing about the thought of TJ’s patients being so invested in finding him a boyfriend. But he still couldn’t ignore the dull pang of jealousy deep down in his stomach when he pictured TJ recycling the same, meaningless lines on a bunch of other guys who weren’t him.

“You say sick, I say smart. Agree to disagree?”

Cyrus rolled his eyes and smiled. “Sure.”

“Great.”

For a moment, neither of them said a word. They just stood there in silence, barely inches apart in the near-empty corridor, and smiled at each other. But then a child started crying a few rooms down, effectively ruining the moment, and they both sprung apart, staring down at the floor and rubbing the backs of their necks like a couple of guilty teenagers. 

“So, um…. We should probably stop chatting and actually do some work,” TJ said. There was a light dusting of pink on his cheeks, the closest Cyrus had ever seen the fellow to getting flustered, but other than that, he seemed completely unaffected by the unshifting tension in the air. “You ready to start?”

Cyrus licked his lips and nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

The next few hours passed in a blur of wailing children and anxious parents, all of them with an abundance of questions that Cyrus wasn’t sure how to answer. Luckily, TJ was always by his side, offering his support whenever he noticed Cyrus struggling. When the fellow was totally immersed in his job, and not trying to woo Cyrus with dazzling smiles and wry comments, he was actually a very gentle and patient person, and Cyrus found himself falling deeper and deeper for the other man as the seconds ticked by. 

“You’re good with kids,” he blurted out at one point, after TJ had given a little girl a lollipop in exchange for her sitting still for an injection. When TJ looked at him, clearly taken aback by the unexpected compliment, Cyrus felt his face flush. “I mean… You definitely made the right career choice.”

TJ’s surprise softened into fondness, his eyes flicking curiously over Cyrus’ pinkening face. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’re not too bad yourself, you know?”

Cyrus snorted. “Yeah… I’m not so sure about that.”

“Trust me,” TJ said, placing a steady hand on his shoulder. “You’re doing great. More than great.”

Beneath the touch of TJ’s fingertips, Cyrus’ skin sizzled and ached with longing. It seeped into his veins and punctured his heart, oozing a strange combination of fear and excitement that flooded his chest with warmth.

“Thank you, TJ,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

They were standing so close that TJ could probably feel the heat of Cyrus’ blush in the tight space between them. If it weren’t for the little girl happily sucking on the strawberry lollipop in her bed right next to them, Cyrus might’ve done something stupid, like lean forward and kiss the other man. In fact, he might’ve kissed him anyway – privacy be damned – if one the attendings hadn’t suddenly appeared and stolen the fellow away from him.

While TJ was going over some charts with the attending in the corner of the room, occasionally glancing over the elderly woman’s shoulder and meeting his eyes with a secret smile, Cyrus busied himself by smoothing the sheets at the end of the little girl’s bed.

“Enjoying your lollipop?” he asked her, trying his best to ignore the heat of TJ’s distant gaze.

The girl swung her head up and down. “Yep.”

“How’s your arm?”

“Better.”

“Well, you’re braver than I am,” he said. “I used to be terrified of needles when I was your age.”

“I thought you were a doctor?”

Cyrus laughed. “Yeah, well… I’m a doctor in training. But the needles still freak me out a little bit.” He glanced around the room, pretending to make sure no one could hear them, then leaned across the bed and pressed a finger to his lips. “That’s our little secret, okay?”

The girl giggled and nodded, using her lollipop to draw an invisible cross over her heart. “I promise I won’t tell!”

“You’re a star.” Cyrus lifted his hand, and the girl slapped a high-five onto his palm. “Maybe you can teach me how to be as brave as you are someday.”

“Okay!”

When he turned away from the bed, Cyrus was surprised to find TJ watching him from across the room, his eyes lidded softly. Despite the attending still yapping in his ear, TJ’s attention was fixed solely on him, and Cyrus couldn’t seem to wrangle himself free from the fellow’s unwavering gaze. Probably because he didn’t want to. It felt nice to have someone look at him like that, even if it was just a well-rehearsed act for flirting with random men.

It doesn’t feel like an act, a voice whispered in his heart.

Cyrus sucked in a deep breath, still staring intensely at TJ, then allowed himself to smile. It felt dangerous, succumbing to this, but he didn’t care. Especially when TJ returned his smile with a boyish grin that made his eyes dance like scattered sunlight cascading through the trees.

“Are you even listening?” he heard the attending say.

TJ tore his eyes away from Cyrus and cleared his throat. “Sorry, yes. Go on…” 

As the attending continued to ramble, TJ flicked one last smirk across the room, and Cyrus felt his heart soar. It was like being back in High School, passing suggestive notes under the desk and grinning like an idiot every time your hands brushed.

“I think Dr. Kippen likes you,” the little girl said, leaning across the bed to poke Cyrus in the arm. Her strawberry-tinted lips were stretched into an impish smile. “Do you like him back?”

Cyrus blushed furiously. “I… I don’t… Um…”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“How old are you?”

“Six and three quarters,” the girl said, sitting up straight to make herself seem bigger.

“Okay.” Cyrus reached forward and ruffled her hair. “Well, I don’t think you’re quite old enough to understand –”

“He looks at you the way my daddy looks at my mommy,” the girl interjected, jutting out her chin defiantly. “He never looks at other boys like that. Just you.”

Cyrus felt his stomach drop. “Really?”

“Uh huh.”

“Oh.”

“So?” The girl ripped the lollipop out of her mouth and waved it impatiently in the air. “Do you like him or not?”

Cyrus risked a glance across the room. Even from this distance, he could still appreciate the fellow’s profile – the long slope of his nose; the sandy swoop of his hair; the delicate curve of his smile… There was no denying how handsome TJ was, just as there was no denying his ever-deepening feelings for the other man.

“Yes, I like him,” Cyrus admitted with a sigh of defeat. “I like him a lot.”

~~~~~

By the time Cyrus dragged himself into the interns’ locker room at the end of his shift, it was verging on ten o’clock, the crisp morning light he’d last seen filtering through the boxy window at the back of the room now reduced to a deep, almost inky black. It was a few weeks shy of winter, and the nights were now long, dark, and cold. He was almost tempted to return to the paediatrics ward, where the corridors were bright and warm, and TJ’s dazzling smile was there to keep him company. But after sixteen hours of stitching gashes, poking needles, and splinting broken bones – all the while trying not to spontaneously combust every time TJ so much as looked at him – all he really wanted to do was go home and get some rest.

He was pulling a dark green sweater over his head when someone else came through the door, silencing the idle chatter of the interns dotted around the room. Confused, Cyrus wriggled his head into the light and peered around the lockers, barely containing a gasp when he saw TJ standing in the doorway. The moment their eyes met, the fellow turned to the other interns and swapped his easy smile for an intimidating glare.

“Clear the room,” he said, the commanding tone of his voice leaving no room for argument. “I need to have a word with Goodman.”

It only took a handful of seconds for the interns to follow orders, all of them practically tripping over each other in their haste to get out of the room. When the last of them had disappeared, leaving him and TJ alone, the fellow closed the door and joined Cyrus by the lockers.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just… I wanted to talk to you before you left.”

Cyrus tugged nervously at the hem of his sweater. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No! Nothing like that.”

“Oh.”

“I just wanted to tell you how great you were today,” TJ said, stammering slightly as a light blush crept up his neck and blotted his jawline. It was strangely comforting to see a hint of nerves amongst his seemingly limitless supply of confidence; it made him seem more human, and therefore more obtainable. “You should be really proud of yourself.”

“I am,” Cyrus said, nibbling at the shy smile slowly blooming across his face. A beat of silence passed, and he took a step closer to TJ, daring a glance at the other man’s face – so close, it was almost blurred. “I’m glad you came here,” he added, his voice breathy. “I wanted to thank you, for being such a good teacher.”

TJ shrugged. “I mean, it’s my job, so…”

“Just take the compliment,” Cyrus said, rolling his eyes with a teasing smile. “You were great, too.”

For a moment, TJ’s face fell slack, and Cyrus was worried he’d overstepped somehow. But then the fellow swallowed thickly, his throat rippling, and reached out to touch Cyrus’ arm, tugging him forward slowly, cautiously, giving him the option to resist if he wanted to… But saying no to this was the last thing he wanted, so he stayed where he was, eyes falling closed and lips parting slightly, waiting for the warm pressure of TJ’s mouth against his own. And when it finally arrived, the breath hitching in his throat and stars swimming behind his eyelids, it was everything he’d hoped for and more. So much more.

“Wow,” he mumbled as they pulled apart, his hands fisting in the lapels of TJ’s coat. “That was…”

“Unexpected?”

“Yeah.” He laughed, breathless and giddy. “But, also no.”

TJ lifted an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Well, you have been flirting with me or a while now. I mean, you’re not exactly subtle.”

“You didn’t seem to respond to subtlety,” TJ said, smirking slightly as his fingers brushed the back of Cyrus’ neck, “so I had to kick it up a notch.”

Cyrus grinned. “That’s fair.”

“I’m glad you approve.”

“I do.” He placed a hand on TJ’s chest and chuckled, already leaning in for another kiss. “You really are a good teacher…”

Before their lips could connect for a second time, TJ pulled away, the warmth of his fingers slipping from Cyrus’ neck. “Are we still talking about paediatrics?” he asked, a frown creasing his brow.

“Sure,” Cyrus said, winking clumsily. “Amongst other things.”

He leaned in once again, but TJ rebuffed him, his lips thinning into a grimace as he loosened Cyrus’ grip on his coat. “Hang on,” he said, keeping Cyrus an arm’s length away. “Was… Was that your first kiss with a guy?”

Cyrus winced. “Is that problem?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Y-You said you wanted to teach me,” Cyrus said. He heard the desperation in his own voice and cringed, a distant echo of shame pounding in his ears. He clenched his fists and tried again. “You said you would teach me, and I want to learn.”

“Look.” TJ closed his eyes and inhaled through his noise, like he was trying to keep his temper in check. When he opened them again, Cyrus saw the pity staring back at him and shrank away, embarrassed and ashamed and confused. “You’re cute, Cyrus. And I like you. I really do, but… I’ve done my coming out already. I can’t go through that again, okay?”

“You wouldn’t have to!”

“You’re new to this. I get that. And I’m glad you’re trying to figure yourself out and everything. But I don’t wanna be a part of it.” He shook his head and sighed. “I can’t teach you how to do this.”

“But –”

“You need help with paediatrics? I’m there. But not with this.”

Cyrus hunched his shoulders, a flash of anger slicing through the muddle of emotions storming inside his chest. “So, what? I’m not experienced enough for you? Is that it?”  

“It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you!” TJ exclaimed, tearing a hand through his hair. The violent swipe of his fingers ruffled the gel-stiffened waves, fluffing them out and sending locks of hair flopping over his forehead. He looked much better like that, despite everything. “I just don’t wanna help you out of the closet, okay? That’s something you’ve gotta do by yourself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will,” TJ said grimly. “When you’ve spent years learning to accept yourself, you’ll understand.”

“You have no idea what I’ve been through,” Cyrus said, sniffing back tears.

TJ cocked his head in agreement. “Fair enough. But that doesn’t change anything.” He flitted his eyes over Cyrus’ face once more, his breath catching in hesitation, then finally turned around. With his hand on the door, he flicked a parting glance over his shoulder and sighed. “I’m sorry, Cyrus.”

And just like that, he was gone.

~~ ~~~

“What an ass,” Buffy said, crushing an empty can of soda in her fist with one squeeze. Outside, the rain was screaming and whirling like an angry spirit, and the three of them were waiting it out in the cafeteria. “Do you want me to talk to him? Beat him up for you?”

Cyrus snorted. “Thanks, Buffy… But, no. I just wanna forget about him altogether.”

“You seem really upset,” Andi said softly.

“I guess.”

“You really liked him, huh?”

Cyrus shrugged in frustration. Not at Andi, but at himself. “I can’t believe I let myself fall for someone like TJ Kippen. I mean, he probably flirts with anything that moves! I should’ve known better.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Buffy assured him. “He led you on, Cyrus. We all saw it.”

“I just don’t understand,” he sighed. “I thought he actually liked me. It felt like he did.”

“He manipulated you.”

Andi frowned. “Not necessarily.”

“What are you talking about?” Buffy said, her eyebrows lifting incredulously. “He’s been flirting with Cyrus for weeks, and the moment he had him where he wanted him, he changed his mind. It was all just a game!”

“You don’t know what it’s like to come out,” Andi shot back, making Buffy flinch in surprise. “When Amber asked me out, I was a mess. I’d never been with another girl before. And if it hadn’t been for her patience and understanding –”

“Gross.”

“– we probably wouldn’t be together right now. But it isn’t so easy for everyone.” She turned away from Buffy and took Cyrus’ hand, sweeping a comforting thumb over his knuckles. “You don’t know how difficult it was for TJ to come out. It might not be something he wants to revisit, and you asking him to walk you through the basics of being gay isn’t gonna help that.”

Cyrus balked. “That isn’t what I wanted! I just… I wanted to learn from him because I like him.”

“Exactly,” Andi said. “You wanted him to teach you.”

“No, that’s not –”

“Be honest with yourself, Cy. Try and see things from TJ’s point of view.”

Cyrus thought back to their conversation in the locker room, how quickly TJ’s softness had hardened into rejection the moment he’d realised how inexperienced Cyrus was, the distance in his eyes when he’d turned him down… He didn’t want to be Cyrus’ teacher. That much was obvious. But what if the rest of it had been real? What if Cyrus really was the one in the wrong here?

“Oh my god,” he whispered to himself, the blood draining from his face as realisation dawned on him. “He thought I was using him.”

Andi smiled knowingly. “And you thought he was using you.”

“It was just a misunderstanding!”

“Yep.”

“Hang on a second,” Buffy interrupted, wagging a finger in the air as she struggled to catch up. “I’m confused.”

“Cyrus thought TJ rejected him because he was inexperienced,” Andi explained in a slow, patronising tone of voice. She was clearly enjoying being ahead of Buffy for once. “But TJ actually rejected him because he thought Cyrus was using him to gain experience. Do you get it now?”

Buffy folded her arms and grumbled. “I suppose…”

“Even so,” Cyrus said, his mind still buzzing with a thousand fleeting thoughts, “he didn’t need to turn me down so abruptly. I mean, he didn’t even let me explain!”

“Maybe he was upset?”

“So was I!”

“Cyrus.” Andi squeezed his hand and smiled. “You like him, don’t you? You said it yourself. And he likes you. I know he does. So why are you trying so hard to talk yourself out of this?” She scooted closer across the bench and rested her head on his shoulder. “You can’t let a stupid misunderstanding ruin this for you.”

Cyrus stared down at his hands, a trembling bundle in his lap, and exhaled a shaky breath. “What if you’re wrong?” he asked, the roaring of the rain outside almost swallowing his words. “What if he doesn’t like me because he thinks I’m naïve?”

“Then he would be an ass,” Andi said. “But I don’t think that’s true.”

Buffy groaned. “I hate to admit, but I think she’s right… I’ve seen the way he looks at you. There’s no faking that.”

“I’ve never been with a guy before,” Cyrus whimpered, stating what they both already knew. “What if I’m bad at it? What if I do need someone to teach me?”

“You’re gay,” Buffy said simply. “You don’t need someone to teach you what you already know.”

Before Cyrus could protest any further, one of the doors leading outside opened with a heavy thump, and TJ came stumbling into the cafeteria, thoroughly soaked to the bone. There was water streaming down his face, a sheet of dark blond hair covering his eyes, and his scrubs were completely sodden. Cyrus could do nothing but watch in stunned silence as the fellow shook himself out like a large dog and blindly collapsed into a nearby chair. It was only when he swept the hair out of his eyes that he noticed Cyrus watching him.

“Oh,” he said. “I, um… I’ll go somewhere else –”

“Why were you outside?” Buffy asked him, her expression flitting between amused and repulsed. “You know it’s pouring it down, right?”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“You’re not very smart for a fellow, are you?”

TJ gave her a tight, acidic smile. “I know you haven’t been here long, intern, but not every ward in this hospital is conveniently connected by corridors.”

Buffy simply glowered in response.

“C’mon, guys,” Andi said, smiling nervously as she attempted to smooth things over. “We’re all adults, aren’t we? I’m sure we can sit here without arguing until the rain stops.”

“Actually, I’m gonna go.” TJ scraped back his chair and got to his feet, the soles of his shoes squeaking against the wet floor. For a brief moment, his eyes landed on Cyrus, but they quickly danced away and returned to the rain lashing against the windows instead. “Wish me luck, I guess.”

Cyrus was standing before he’d even decided to follow him.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to talk to him.”

“But, the rain –”

“A little water’s not gonna hurt me,” he said. “But losing TJ will.”

Buffy gagged. “Okay, I know you’re in love and everything, but there was no need for that level of cheese.”

“Don’t listen to her,” Andi said, beaming as she reached out and squeezed Cyrus’ hand. “Go get him, Cy!”

As soon as he opened the door, the rain hit him like a thousand flecks of ice, instantly raising the hair on his arms and turning his cheeks a deep, stinging shade of pink. But there was no going back now. He could see TJ’s retreating form just ahead, quickly fading in the grey smudge of rain sweeping across his vision. If he didn’t move now, he would lose him, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able find the courage to confront him like this again.

So he ran.

“TJ!” The wind picked up his words and tossed them into the sky, becoming one with the rain and sinking into the wet earth beneath his feet. “TJ, wait!”

With his nose buried in the crook of his arm to shield his face from the storm, he chased after the distant speck of white with all the energy he could muster. By the time his hand latched onto the soggy tail of TJ’s coat, his legs were burning, despite the rain leeching through his scrubs, and he could barely breathe enough air into his lungs to spit out a single word. But, luckily, TJ didn’t shove him away like he’d expected him to. He stood there, quiet and grim, as Cyrus caught his breath, seemingly indifferent to the darkening clouds above their heads, and waited.

“I… I need… I need to talk to you.”

TJ looked away. “You’re only making this harder, Cyrus.”

“But you don’t understand!”

“What don’t I understand?” he asked, spraying Cyrus with droplets of rain as he whipped around to face him. “You’re new to the whole coming out thing. You wanna have some fun, figure yourself out… I get it. But I’m not interested in playing a one-time part in your journey to self-discovery. I want something that’s gonna last, okay? A relationship that means something, for once. And you’re obviously not looking for that kind of thing, so –”

“Don’t tell me what I’m looking for!” Cyrus yelled. “Just because I’m inexperienced, doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. I’ve known what I want for a very long time. And for some bizarre reason, you happen to be it!”

“Cyrus –”

“I fell in love with one of my best friends when I was thirteen. I’ve known I was gay for almost half my life. So don’t you dare stand there and accuse me of not understanding the struggles of learning to accept yourself, because I’ve lived it too! And just because I’ve never been with another guy before, doesn’t mean I’m not sure of who I am, or what I want!”

“Okay –”

“And maybe you don’t want the responsibility of being my first boyfriend. Maybe you’re scared it will be awkward and difficult and too much work. I understand that. But that doesn’t give you the right to jump to conclusions and ignore me!”

At this point, TJ was smirking, and Cyrus could feel his anger rising and rising, like a pot of water close to boiling over.

“Are you done yet?” the fellow asked, taking a step towards him. 

Cyrus shoved him away and growled. “No, I’m not done yet! Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? I’ve spent nearly thirteen years hiding from who I really am, terrified of getting hurt all over again. I’ve been hiding for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be me.” He shook his head, half-choking on a sob. “And then you kissed me, and I felt like I existed again.”

TJ stopped smirking.

“I don’t know what this means to you. I don’t know if you like flirting with me, and that’s it, or if you actually wanna be with me. Either way, it doesn’t matter… I was a goner the moment you winked at me.” He shrugged his shoulders and laughed. It felt good to be honest. It felt like the rain -  crazy and reckless and real. “I’ll admit I’m inexperienced. And awkward. And I tend to say the wrong things at the wrong times.” He smiled. “But I’m also nice. And loyal. And my friends think I’m a catch. So if you still wanna turn me down, that’s fine. But if you decide to give this a chance, you won’t regret it, because –”

The rest of his words were swallowed by a kiss.

Cyrus made a little squawk of surprise as TJ’s lips melted against his own, all of his pent up frustration seeping out of him within seconds, leaving him weightless and airy, elastic and free… He clutched onto TJ’s shoulders and whimpered slightly, losing himself to the melodic whoosh of the rain as TJ pulled him impossibly closer.

“I didn’t think you liked me,” he mumbled between kisses, gently tucking the hair behind Cyrus’ ears. “I thought… I thought –”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, Cyrus.”

“Hey.” He cupped TJ’s face and pressed their foreheads together, breathing him in. “You have nothing to apologise for. I’m the idiot who made you think you were nothing more than a practice boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

Cyrus froze, his face flushing darkly. “I didn’t mean –”

“If you tell me you didn’t mean to call me your boyfriend, I’m gonna be really upset.”

“Wait, you… You want me to call you that?”

“It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?” TJ tilted his head to the side, revealing the wicked slice of a smile lifting the corner of his mouth. “Like you said, I’ve been flirting with you for a while now. And this is what usually comes after the flirting.”

“What is this exactly?”

TJ shrugged, the confidence in his smile not quite reaching his eyes. “Me asking you out?”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. Unless you don’t –”

“I just chased you through a storm in nothing but scrubs and poured out my heart to you like we’re in a Hallmark movie, and you honestly don’t think I wanna be your boyfriend?”

“Um –”

“You’re such an idiot,” he laughed, palming the back of TJ’s neck and kissing him softly. All around them, the sky shivered and wept, bathing them in tears of joy as they clung onto each other for dear life, laughing and hugging and basking in the rain. 

~~~~~

Cyrus tugged the fleece blanket over his shoulders and tucked it under his chin, shuddering with relief as the heat pulsing from the radiator slowly filled the on-call room. He could still feel the occasional drop of rain rolling down his spine, but at least he could also feel his toes again. And the hot cocoa TJ had placed in his hands a few minutes ago was quickly thawing his icy palms as well.

“Thank you,” his said, lips trembling as he took a tentative sip from the steaming cup. The burn was delicious.

TJ wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer, until he was practically sitting on his lap. Despite being equally soaked, TJ seemed to radiate warmth at all times, and Cyrus couldn’t resist snuggling against his boyfriend’s – yes, boyfriend’s – chest.  

“You smell like rain,” he mumbled.

“So do you.”

“Yeah. It’s quite nice, actually.”

He closed his eyes, ear pressed against the steady beating of TJ’s heart. The sudden shift from freezing to cosy was taking its toll, making him feel sluggish and loose-lipped. He had no idea what he was going to say until the words tumbled out of his mouth.

“Did you only kiss me to shut me up?”

TJ chuckled. “How could I not kiss you when you were being so damn cute?” He threaded his fingers through Cyrus’ hair, gently undoing all the frazzled knots left behind by the rain. “But I’m sorry for interrupting your Hallmark speech. What else were you gonna say?”

“I was more or less done,” Cyrus admitted. “I was just gonna reassure you that you wouldn’t have to go through the drama of coming out all over again.”

TJ sighed, shifting on the bed so Cyrus was laying across his legs, looking up at him. “I’m sorry for everything I said the other day,” he said quietly, his fingers resuming their careful exploration of Cyrus’ hair. “I just… I don’t wanna be involved in another shame spiral, you know?”

“I’m not spiralling,” Cyrus told him. “And I’m definitely not ashamed.”

“I know.”

“I’m not afraid, either.”

“It’s okay if you are.”

“I’m not.” He reached up and touched TJ’s face, tracing the fine bones beneath his lightly-stubbled cheeks. “You’re so beautiful.”

TJ grinned. “Wow, you’re a sap.”

“Too much?”

“No. Definitely not.”

“Good, because I’m just getting started…”

When their lips were mere inches apart, TJ’s pager started buzzing at his hip, and Cyrus was caught between laughter and tears as he moved off the fellow’s lap so he could check it. All he wanted to do was stay in this tiny room, with the lights low and the rain pattering against the window, and kiss his boyfriend. But when there were little kids with scraped knees and poorly tummies waiting for his assistance, Cyrus didn’t mind letting him go. This was the life they’d both chosen for themselves, after all.

“I’m sorry,” TJ huffed, already half-standing. “Duty calls.”

Cyrus gave him a sleepy smile. “It’s okay.”

“You gonna stay here and rest for a while?”

“Mmm…”

The next thing he knew, TJ was gently prying the half-empty cup from his hands and lowering his head onto a pillow. Cyrus could hear the smile in his voice as he leaned over and kissed the sensitive spot behind his ear, whispering goodbye.

“I’ll come find you later, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Now who’s being a sap?”

“Me,” TJ said simply, planting one last kiss on Cyrus’ forehead as he got to his feet.  

Before he could leave, Cyrus grabbed onto his elbow and ushered him closer. TJ obliged with a fond little smile, crouching down beside the bed, and allowed Cyrus to kiss him on the lips once more.

“I’ll miss you too,” Cyrus murmured softly, bumping their noses together.

After a few more parting kisses (with Cyrus promising each one would be the last) TJ managed to escape the on-call room, pausing briefly in the doorway to wave Cyrus goodbye and mockingly blow him a kiss. Joke or not, Cyrus still pretended to catch it mid-air and press it against his mouth, to which TJ blushed like a schoolboy and walked backwards into the wall, before stammering a final goodbye and disappearing down the corridor. Cyrus stared at the spot where the fellow had once stood until his eyelids began to droop closed.  

He’d barely been asleep for five minutes when the door slammed open again, no doubt leaving a mark where it collided with the wall. His eyes sprang open as he sat bolt upright, only to find Buffy and Andi standing in the middle of the room, pointing at him accusingly with their mouths gaping open.

“You both look ridiculous,” he said, collapsing back against his pillow.

“We saw you kissing TJ in the rain!” Buffy exclaimed.

Andi nodded in agreement. “Yes! We saw you through the window! Cyrus –”

“Okay, okay… We kissed. What’s the big deal?”

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

“Here I am.”

“Where’s TJ?”

“Or should we say, where’s your boyfriend?”

Cyrus shrugged. “Well, considering TJ and I are dating now, I guess you should say that.”

All at once, Buffy and Andi were crowded around him, jumping on the bed and shaking his arms as they bombarded him with a thousand overlapping questions. He didn’t say a word, just sat there and soaked in the attention with a smug little smile, his thoughts slipping back to TJ. The dirty-blond in the dark blue scrubs. The paediatrics fellow. His boyfriend.

And for the first time in almost thirteen years, he actually felt like himself again.

The End.

~~~~~

Thank you again for your patience, @tyrusflavoredtea. I can’t wait to receive more wonderful prompts from you!

[andimackfaneditsss]

the boys of Andi Mack should not be given a pass

So ”We Were Never” was fantastic for many reasons. No doubt about it! It was honestly, in my opinion, the best episode by far. It was nostalgic of season 1, where things weren’t so complicated with love triangles upon triangles upon triangles. It was nice, focused on some characters’ stories we thought had gotten left behind. We even get a few heartfelt moments of two families in this episode. I cried, ngl! But after the tears and smiling I came to the conclusion not only did this episode finally touch on storylines we thought were being forgotten...it also touched on characters and relationships in a way that has me seeing things differently now.

I realize the Friendom has made jokes about how oblivious Jonah is, I’m guilty of that. I also realize the Friendom has pointed out something else might be up with him, he might be depressed or suffering still from his toxic relationship with Amber and unfortunately that’s how his relationship with Andi turned out. But if Andi is going to be held accountable for literally everything she does, I don’t think the boys of this show should keep being given a pass.

Let’s start with Jonah: he seems to be oblivious, he seems to be helpless, but I’m not so sure now. He was obviously manipulated and forced into a relationship by Amber and because she’s older than him by a year and is pretty intimidating in nature and is in high school, that’s believable. However, she still has a heart that Jonah kind of played with. In a way? He sort of led her on. But that’s because he didn’t know how to speak up to get out of the relationship. There wasn’t any communication on both ends and so both people got hurt.

Okay, so both people messed up. Not entirely Jonah’s fault. But his relationship with Andi should have been different. Why? It’s Andi we’re talking about. Such a sweet, understanding girl.

Some people have given her crap because she’s only freaked out over their relationship the entire time they were together, always panicking and assuming the worst. But look at it from her perspective: if you’re dating someone (you think) and aren’t getting any signs from them that they don’t like you or that they don’t want to be in this relationship BUT they also literally don’t tell you anything (“hey, I’m helping a friend that day I scheduled something with you, sorry” or “oh btw I’ll be hanging with a friend of mine at the Spoon, you can come down and say hi if you’d like) then you see how your parents’ relationship is turning out and it’s not well, you’ll freak out and only think the worst of things.

When Jonah invited Andi out to the virtual arcade, he also invited Buffy. We all thought he was oblivious and just liked hanging out with everyone. Maybe he’s nervous about being alone with someone. But then we see him hanging out with Morgan at the Spoon, it’s only him and her. Now yes he and Andi have hung out alone before, but they weren’t dating then. If he really started to question their relationship and wanted to go back to being friends, he should have spoken to her about that. But maybe he was scared? Well...no. He grinned and was quite relaxed and actually believed Andi just knew he didn’t really consider them together. He held her hand, he told her he liked her and was oh so hurt when she laughed at him for falling down and injuring himself, but they’re not really a thing? Is she a side chick? Does he have a main? What’s going on here that he thinks it’s just universally known and accepted you’re not really a couple if you do some couple things and the other half of your not-a-relationship will think you’re dating. Now this could be because Amber basically I guess cheated on him? We’ll never really know until they bring it up again, however. But let’s say that’s affected him—okay it would make sense. Some people try not to do what was done to them, especially if it made them feel bad. But others don’t even know that they’re doing unto others what was done unto them and hurt them.

Whatever his reasons for being this way, he clearly believes it’s no big deal and doesn’t hurt anyone. So now my thoughts on Jyrus after realizing Jonah is this way: it should not happen. Hate me if you want but do you really want that for Cyrus? For him and Jonah to be together, do couple things, be all cute and happy together, only for one day to have Jonah walk up to Cyrus and say, “oh no Cy-guy we weren’t actually together I mean I don’t really like labels, were just friends, we’re good right—yeah we’re good.” Because I don’t want to see that. I no longer ship Jyrus because of Jonah Beck.

Now for Tj: he sucks. I really don’t see how stealing a muffin for Cyrus, or rather, getting him to steal a muffin for himself? Being forced into passing his teammate the ball during a game? How does that make him a good guy? He’s a jerk. Who doesn’t decide not to be one, he’s forced into not being one at times. He got Buffy to break her moral code and do his homework for him because he didn’t want to be pitied by anyone for at least one more game. But he can’t even sympathize with people. I don’t like him, sorry. And no, I don’t ship Tjyrus/Tyrus. Him having a learning disability is good representation, but does not redeem him.

Now for Cyrus: he really should have just asked Tj what he wanted from Buffy. Because I think if he knew, he wouldn’t have helped him trick Buffy like that. Also, he tends to make things worse when he tries talking with everybody. I know he just wants to help. But if Andi is going to be held accountable for her. Every. Action. Then we shouldn’t entirely excuse how Cyrus messes a lot up.

Bowie: not really sure how to feel rn. He deserves happiness. But so does Bex and Andi. There just needs to be better understanding and communication.

And as for Ham: you’re awesome, my friend.

Marty: come back pls.

[kendrixtermina]

Typing Misadventures - IN edition

So, typing and the difficulties therein.

Aside from person-specific ad-hominems, some that have been elaborated upon in attempts to explain them on this very website.

Sensors: Bad Sensor descriptions written by NPs, combining with the fact that Sensors rely a lot on developing a practical experential “feel” for things. A bad, vague and overly abstract description that doesn’t relate to their life is gonna be not very useful. (especially for SFPs for whom what they relate to is srz bzness) - Interestingly I’ve seen a lot of Sensors saying that they easily indentify particular types once they have encountered them IRL. (Speculation: With intuitives it probably depends more on wether they have their definitrions straight.)

Ne-Doms: Type-hop and doubt their type alot because they know they always could be mistyped and possibilities are the primary facet of reality for them. The “creative” nature of the auxillary, and their auxillary being a function that generates and handles belief systems,  means they can always reinterpret the evidence by redoing their reasoning or reassigning meaning, also the lack of Si leads to less constancy in their thinking, they change opinion easily, which is normally an asset, but not so much for self-typing as every input generates new ideas. (The auxillaries also have this but to a much lesser degree - b/c)

—

But today, I want to talk about INs (I know, boring - but those are what I know the most about since I am one.)

You may have seen me caveat my posts with “Unless I am actually an xNFP or something” as of late Yeah. It went about like this:

Troll: Haha you’re mistyped!

Me: Why?

Troll: because X.

Me: I have an alternate, more fitting explanation for X and a lot of things which my current typing explains betters especially when you get into the nuance of mbti theory.

Troll: (*hamfistedly applies overreductionistic function definition*) “Anyone who ever quotes a source ever is a Te user”. Just like anyone who ever mentions memory is a SJ amirite?

Troll: *shifts the topic to my person and then accuses me of talking about myself*

Me: *blocks troll largely to curttail own tendency to waste time & energy with internet arguments*

So at my best,  I believe in not dismissing inconvenient PoVs and double-checking, and the main point of replying them was to leave an alternate opinion for future readers hence no point in continuing after that had been done.  

At my worst damn inf Fe makes it hard to ignore input even if I don’t believe it’s justified (except when it fails to pick them up - as inferior functions are wont to be its either sluggish or AHH with little inbetween. ) and that lil 8 fix of mine doesn’t want to “stand down quietly”.  

So I ask a few reasonable, knowledgeable, non-troll person, one of which said “Hm, could be, you anecdote alot which X type also does”

I believed this was better accounted for by simple ol’ Si and w4-self revealing tendencies, but, how could I know for sure? I never denied having a pronounced 4wing and fix, but I thought that sufficiently explaining their perceived discrepancies insofar as I found them consistent with reality and indeed all data collected so far. Too much would just be filed away as “inf Te” as a blanket term, the way any sign that [fan favorite character] is ST rather than INFJ is “inferior Se” though that supposed “inferior” is 80% of what she does and all moments claimed for F or N are the sort of situations where anyone would display emotion or philosophizing and what intuition they display is distinctly Ne instead. 

Like the proverbial man who dreamt of being a frog I couldn’t cast the doubt from my mind and went over reinterpreting my thought patterns throughout the day. How do I know I’m NOT X type? After all my idea of and criteria for type are based on the definitions I extracted from various mbti sources when first familiarzing myself with the topic… how do I know I understood it correctly? How can ANY human correctly understand a definition if they have to deduce/reconstruct/guess what the other meant with their own flawed mind?

(At this point the non-INs in the audience might be rolling their eyes)

I still thought my type made the most sense but the person, through trolling in that particular instance, was not alltogether clueless and had some good insights, and also, some ppl agreed with them (theres that Fe again) - I was pretty sure I was in the holographic-panomramic thinking style but I could be wrong,  thats a fairly rarely used concept which I simply started using cause I thought it made sense. ENFPs can mistake themselves for introverts. I have been mistaken for extrovert b/c of my lack of filter… but I was pretty sure I was a very pronouncedintrovert and had Fe, and so I went over it over and over again.

They said I didn’t comprehend _ i had some theory as to why they thought the way they did (not just bias against xNFPs but assuming all Ti is like aux Ti. After all, an introverted function as a dominant builds a framework and may be reluctant to accept or need time to withdraw when said framework clashes with reality to the point of needing a full revamping, purportedly resulting in a certain stubbornness particularly if it’s a Ji function.  )

but what if I really Didn’t comprehend? Then all my reasoning would be worthless! I dont think I have the skills of an INFP, but what if i misunderstood those? Was a lot of what I’d attributed to Ti just Ne? i thought I had rather typical Ti speech patterns (it was hard to unsee, like my brain used a highly predictable parsing alghorithm to make thoughts into words) but they disagreed and pointed to what they thought was Fi. 

I thought that despite all the differences introduced by  shared preferences and  there were differences between I and the Fi doms I knew. The 9 and the 6 were much more lowkey, non-confrontational than I and way more perceptive in line with how socionics describes Fi as the “Ethics of Relations” and how Nardi calls it an “Inner state of listening/reacting”; I mostly listen to the contents of someone’s words; I’d spot a liar by contradiction or unbeliavable statements, or by deducing what beliefs they are operating from. Feelers supposedly use primarily tone of voice... but I have sure noticed tone of voice a few times, and this is a qualia. I can’t compare what “Fi” or “Ti” feel like without making assumptions of which one I am using. 

Supposedly

The 4! INFPs should be the most similar to me, on the other hand, they tend to have a certain...absoluteness in their beliefs and statements in a way I wouldn’t be comfortable with. I’m more hesitant, more relativizing, adding qualifiers etc so bI don’t say anything incorrect. 

I don’t mean to bash the INFPs here, they are usually just processing their specific feels and do not mean to imply things about others. (Tumblr INFP: “I, an INFP, experience X.”. Tumblr xxFJ: “Are you saying that other types don’t????? You can’t say that! How self absorbed are you?” Immature  Tert Fe User:*distantly feels the same urge toward ,moral condemnation as FJ,but couldn’t care less if INFP offends anyone -  settles for calling them a snowflake instead. * TJs and Ti doms: *roll their eyes, half-assedly consider correcting whoever they disagree with but ultimately just keep scrolling*) Of course Team Fe sometimes has a point if the INFP in question is young and/or irresponsible. 

Example: 

One INFP 4w5: “I be those shallow fake bitches look down on you just because you don’t wear as much makeup. I don’t think anyone who wears makeup can be trusted, unless it’s like,halloween makeup or something like that, they’re just putting up fake faces to be popular.”

Me (let’s say, presumed INTP 5w4): “I dunno... Like I agree that those girls are shallow bitches,if they had spines, they wouldn’ perform arbitrary fake behavior just to be popular.* But not everyone is the same - maybe some people might just wear makeup because they like how it looks. The real problem is people being judged by arbitrary conventions on principle. What does is matter whether someone wears makeup or not? Its a made-up convention with no real reason.  It’s none of anyone’s business.”

* for the record I have since realized that there’s nothing bad about wanting to be popular as long as yopu dont harm anyone, and that for some people its genuinely what they want. I was, like,  13. Common (w)4 pitfall I guess. 

As you see both I and this middle school friend of mine are expressing 4-ish povs, but I used to think  the difference in our reasoning highlighted some differences. 

Granted this is more 5w4 vs 4w5 than necessarily Ti vs Fi,  Could just be the 5′s general disconnect toward action and desire to “know more first”. 

There are 5 INFPs. after all. Mostly sx 5s and as such differentiable from the relatively intense, dramatic sx 4 as long as you’re certain enough that they’re sx. Thinking about how to describe them. More second-guessing and ‘drifting’ than the 4 ones but like them in their analytical nature. A different kind of contemplative.  Still reasons distinctlylike an INFP - See, One of them was religious, for example, and I’m pretty sure an INTP would have had more posts about why they were religious or not, though it’s one of the types most likely to be a non-believer, the religious ones tend to have a theological bent and talk about the perfection and incomprehensibility of god, how god is totally logical etc. (Thomas Acquinas is a famous example) - their faith will be an ordered self-consistent system. A bit like that example of copernikus assuming the orbits must be perfectly circular because natture as he understood it would tend toward the most “perfect” forms. I’m not religious and I could likewise talk about that at lenght.

Arguments that convinced me:  “This is how these beliefs came from, not an actual god” and “If were made out of single celled organism who die all the time as shed skin cells, how would the rest of them dieing at once be different?” “Even if your religion is true that means many, if not all others are not. So at least all some must be myths. How is your “true” religion different from them?” 

Arguments made by famous Te-Fi users: “Occams Razor.” “We can’t disprove a giant sucker on the back of Pluto either, but its no reason to suppose one.”“Belief in god hampers human development and creates dependent, slavish mentality”

That 5!INFP’s attitude toward their belief reminded me more of another Fi dom I know (albeit an ISFP). “Yeah, I know the common objections, but look, it’s what I believe. Don’t come into my house and be a jerk to me about it.” or “[Assholish behavior] is not actually in line with my religion. My religion, and this aspect of it, are actually about love/peace/duty/etc” 

If, while conversing,  you hit a hard disagreement, that is,  an axiom that’s not up for debate, your Fi-dom friend may change the topic/agree to disagree/ “It’s just the way I feel” 

[This could apply to other moral or ideological questions religion is just an example; This is not supposed to be about religion it’s just here to illustrate a perceived difference. . I’m not implying all INFPs have the same approach to religion or even have to be religious.]

Another conversation I remember having with them actually on the very subject of Fi vs Fe. IDK how we got to that topic but I mentioned something I initially thought was an enneagram thing (my memory is vague on the details) but I mentioned something like lowkey feeling guilty for receiving praise that I believe was undeserved. 

She deemed it a Fe thing and said that for her, as a Fi dom/ fe opposing type, a bit of praise she did not agree with might not cause any reaction at all unless she thought they had a point  or otherwise had a reaction from her end, like deciding the criticism was unfair - why should she feel guilty b/c of what someone else says? 

Granted that’s just an anecdote, but what am I to do? INFP 5s are not super common. Also I’m not making this decisionbased on any single of these examples but... not even from the “preponderance” so much as to how they can be best explained. 

And  of course, if I really did get everything wrong after looking into the topic for years, what guarantee is there that I typed any of those people correctly? None, as one of the trolls/claimants correctly pointed out. 

After all what I want is the truth, it doesn’t matter what it is. Or at least that is what I strive for as much as human frailty allows. so what if I’m an INFP? INFPs are awesome. I even considered the type early on, I just thougnt INTP fit better especially once I found out about inferior functions.  And I have always held that a person has no obligation to follow their “talents”. If I don’t have a “talent” for reason (which isn’t the same as mbti thinking anyways) all the reasons why I believe that it is a good way of life to aim for would still stand. Reason is a method to correct for human error and bias, after all, the error and bias we all have, no matter what Ji function we use.

Type insofar as it can even be said to be a real thing is a classfication of emergent qualities, not a hard measure you can get in an instrument. 

As much as I’d want to figure this out, there comes a point where you just have to like step back and put it in context.  it’s just a personality test/ little tool to facilitate communication in which “maybe this or that” is more helpful than nothing. 

Striving for it despite not being handed talent at birth is all the more worthwhile - and if reason was only for certain kinds of people what’s the point of it? Regardless of what tropes people associate with “science” or “logic”, what they actually are by definition are simple basic methods.

Last but not least there was a moment

Soo, existential crisis. At least they can’t doubt that I’m a melancholic or an oldham ideosyncraticXD

Then,  my doubt crumbled away to the “ mostly sure, dont think it could be anything else but im not omnicient” levels at which it was before.

What happened? Well, a rare event:

Well, I went outside and talked to people.

I visited my folks, saw new places, got into a few unscripted situations in other words. 

I’ve seen one post detailing that INs may mistype because they analyze themselves as a whole, feature in less apparent traits and second-guess their reasoning worrying about bias, noticing what sticks out more than the norm etc.  and so on and that may be it in part but I don’t think it’s only this relatively “noble”, too-much-of-a-good-thing mistake.

- It’s a matter about how we are all about ~extrapolating~ from data and using multiple data points and less about decisiveness and practicality. We brood away endlessly trying to come up with interpretations and conceptualizations that makes all the data points fit rather than just going with what they themselves largely seem to suggest. 

One good description I once heard is that Intuitives think in networks while Sensors think in puzzle pieces - I went overboard trying to build ever more complex networks instead of going “Yeah, with all the puzzle pieces so far it’s probably this.”. 

Sometimes the latter approach can be incomplete and miss game changing interconnections - but just as often, the former gets convoluted and therefore, both uselessly vague and too far removed from the actual data its meant to interpret. 

Aaaand, well, almost every sentence I said was “Did you know that...?” or “I think so/ don’t think so because of [observation followed by possible deduction].

Sure, I could be biased in my observation or unconsciously “doing it on purpose to appear a certain way” even if I don’t think I am or care about that, , but some critical mass of “doing it on purpose” would itself be equivalent with 5 (or a 3)

I was a little afraid one time; I reacted by withdrawing and looking at the whole thing as an observatrion and it was a highly temporary thing. And as much as I complain about Fe users playing police, I may have been guilty of one moment of overreacting, unwanted/socially-chiding “help” myself there. (The person perhaps justly called me a know-it-all. They were wrong about one thing but I may have handled it all more constructively) I repeatedly expressed vague undifferentiated preferrences that were closer to analyzing what factors were at work rather than having clear like/dislike reasons readily available. .

I critiqued a TV show (myself and the local INTJ annoying all the non-NTs with our loud, animated critiquing ) and a big factor to being unabvle to enjoy it fully was the lack of High-Concept abstract sci fi content and mostly the lack of consistency - normally a lot of my enjoyment would come from extrapolatinmg and deducing what the world is like and how it, the themes and charactzers “work”, but here I coulnd do that because it was tacked onto a ‘verse it did not fit into. I observed how said INTJ and I reacted to us correcting each other on small things with like a brief thanks or apology & just moving on whilst similar things had gotten annoyed snarks out of our otherwise patient Feeler sister...

The nails in the coffin were those 2 tumblr posts, one about differences in how Fi and low Fe argue (the latter pile including 3 phrases I used verbatim in the last discussion with my SO just hours earlier) and a post by the afore mentioned “resonable poster” about, as she called it “oversharing in soc variants vs soc blinds” though the correct amount of sharing might well be in the eye of the beholder.

But that was the one objection of the troll I didn’t have a non-vague satisfactory reply to, what rly kept me wondering rather than “eh not gonna reinvent the wheel again”, something about “sp/sx woldn’t have long descriptions or emo rants” Apparently they do when they never have to dea with the person again (such as on the internets. )

IDK I did move the description so no one’s forced to read it but lots of peeps have one (This is like... a blogging site??) but the reasons for its existence had more to do with “completionist urges related to then-current obsession (typology)” and “So I like X, bite me.” sort of sentiment than whatever it was they presuposed. 

Dear Causal-Deterministic peeps (ENTP, INFP, ISTP, ESFP): Instances of the same behavior can be caused by different causes! Look at this: 2 4 8.

What’s the pattern? - Could be “powers of 4″.  Could also be “even numbers” or even “any increasing integer”. 

Of course this whole mess is an example of where we H-P folks (INTP, ENFP, ISFP, ESTP) look at everything from multiple angels/Povs, (”Is it like this? Is it lika that? It COULD be seen this other way...”) rather than, well, decide which ones are most relevant here/ “Pick one”. At least the SPs have Se to “just grab one” or whatever it is they do. 

Whereas we just stand there speculating XD The ENFPs sorta do it too but in a whole different way/ area of life? 

Me: “Either he is nuts or I am nuts because we can’t both be telling the truth!”

ENFP: “Well I empasize with both of you so I don’t think either of you is nuts?”

Me: Sorry but this is a real dichotomy here for once. If he dun nothing wrong, then I would be wrong for accusing him thus, just as he says..

ENFP: Can we all agree to disagree and chil maybe? plz??

Might also be why there`s this overlap between ENFPs and Universalists? Though obviously not all ENFPs are universalists and vice versa. 

So yeah. Kinda comical in hindsight. I started out all second guess-ey and entertaining both possibilities in parallel but in the end, well, I do think it’s INTP after all, at least, I’d say its the most probable by a considerable margin. Most definitely 5 tho. For all the occasionall 4 ness its by far the most overwhelming tendency in day to day life/thinking ugh cant I NOT spew nerd facts about everything in sight. What are other conversaton topics? 

Bottom Line: By thinking about your own thinking you alter your thinking, and that way lie 2nd order chaotic systems, the Uncertainty Principle and Goedel’s Theorem...

So going outside both threw me out of that recursion and added new, raw data as a means to test the competing hypotheses. It forced me to see what I actually act like by and large in a natural setting rather than the many ways I could interpret or read the way I act like, which like, is not actually all that mysterious lol

[victorywaffles]

I decided to just make my own post and answer some of these questions bc I’m a) bored b) a lil bit self obsessed and c) no one on this hell site actually talks to me lmao

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my bf

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy until you get to know me

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

@bedoinkle and @yoinks VERY SOON

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yes and has many times lol

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Nice, tall ones with pretty eyes and good hair and a good sense of humor

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I really hope so since I’ve been in one for the past decade

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

David Tennant

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

either my bf or Sam

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Juice - Lizzo

D.R.E.A.M. - Miley Cyrus

Scott Street - Phoebe Bridgers

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridgers

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Almost definitely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Hahaha no

21. What are you bad habits?

I get irritable very easily, I procrastinate everything, I’m lazy, I’m self indulgent and a little self centered, ummm... there’s plenty more lol

22. Where would you like to travel?

Everywhere but especially England/Europe

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Sipping coffee and settling in for the day to get stuff done

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Check all my notifications, scroll through Instagram and Twitter, finally get out of bed and get coffee

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My boyfriend, my friends

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Yes and we’ve been together again for 5 years now HA

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Ohhhh my god that’s an awful question I don’t know. I really don’t. TV is like 65% of my personality so I feel like I have to say music

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Hahaha yeah that was basically my main hobby in middle school

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“So.... yeah... (long sigh or nervous laugh)”

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Nice, tallish, darker hair, funny, likes the same media I do, has nice eyes

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Urban Outfitters, H&M, Anthropologie, TJ Maxx, Target

40. What do you want to do after high school?

hahahhahahahaha im way too old to be on this site

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

I mean unless you’re like a murderer or a rapist or something

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

a) I’m plotting your murder b) I’m having an existential crisis c) I’m reading d) I’m staring out the window pretending I’m in an indie movie e) all of the above

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Space for sure, the ocean floor terrifies me

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Coffee

46. What are you paranoid about?

Omg everything but mostly being murdered

47. Have you ever been high?

Yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Oh yes

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

did you mean, my entire life 1994-present (in varying degrees of seriousness) ((joking))

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

ugh I don’t know, I try not to think this way anymore

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Fenty

56. Favourite colour?

Pink

57. Favourite food?

Pasta

58. Last thing you ate?

Panang Curry

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Bagel

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Spelling bee babeyyyyyy

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Back of his older brothers car after a day at the mall (lol, Teenage Dream by Katy Perry was playing but that wasn’t cool enough so I told everyone that it was The Only Exception by Paramore which was playing a few minutes before and was my favorite song then

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

My real friends are my tumblr friends

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yes, the office lol

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Sam, Daina, Becca, Lexi, Nicole

71. Craving something? What?

Vengeance

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Phish Food by Ben & Jerry’s

81. Favourite tv show?

It varies but I think either the X Files or Gilmore Girls

82. Favourite movie?

I don’t even know. I used to say Moulin Rouge and that still feels pretty right

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls, are you insane????

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Karen

99. Have any pets?

Ginger cat named Scully

103. Can you spell well?

My spelling is award winning :)

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Oh sure tons

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes, I’m from the Midwest

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Ha yes, puberty is a bitch

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My bf

115. Do you play the Wii?

........ when is this questionnaire from lmao

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Yes I live for soup

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Fuck yeah

119. Favourite book?

Other than the obligatory Harry Potter, it’s probably Perks of Beinf a Wallflower

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Mostly I’m afraid of what lives in the dark :)

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah but not just one single true love

128. Would you change your name?

Nah. When I was little I used to want to be named Delilah or something. I thought my name was too boring. I was literally Anne if Green Gables lmao

129. What your zodiac sign?

Piscessss

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

I try not to talk to men unless absolutely unavoidable

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Just like the entirety of Scott Street by Phoebe Bridgers

137. How tall are you?

Five feet even

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Somewhere in between

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall

142. Favourite month?

October

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee all day every day

146. Was today a good day?

Yeah it was fine

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers bc I’m not British and I don’t actually know what a Mars bar is equal to

148. What’s your favourite quote?

There are literally so so many I couldn’t even begin to list them. The first one that popped into my mind is:

“I know these will all be stories someday, and our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now, these moments are not stories. This is happening. I can see it. The moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive.” - Perks of Being a Wallflower

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Oh fuck yeah love me some ghosts

[tjkiahgb]

Alright, let’s talk about that TJ scene in the last episode

I’ve tried to figure out the Buffy/TJ scene from “A Walker to Remember” numerous times now. I’ve flipped and flopped on what truly happened, what’s a lie, and what the character motivations are.

The only thing I’ve truly settled on is this: it’s not working for me. I think the problem is that the show maybe tried to have its cake and eat it, too.

Let’s look at this from a writing standpoint. What are the goals for the scene? What pertinent information are we’re supposed to get from it?

There’s a lot.

TJ is back on the team after telling the math teacher (Coleman) about his dyscalculia

Coleman knows Buffy did TJ’s homework and she might be punished for it

Buffy figures out TJ has used “You’re right” to trick her in the past and likely got the information from Cyrus

TJ is trying to change for the better

First problem: almost all the information we get from this scene comes from TJ himself. And about halfway through the scene, Buffy claims that everything he’s said is a lie, which he sort of admits to. I say sort of because he doesn’t say what’s a lie or come clean about some plan. He just says, “Old habits die hard,” which is... vague. For our purposes at least.

Back to the list of information. We can mostly leave #1 aside. Let’s assume it’s true. It’s fairly straightforward. Even when Buffy accuses TJ of lying about everything, I don’t think she means this. He wants back on the team, this is his way back.

Let’s also leave aside #3 -- that information mostly comes from Buffy’s detective work -- and hone in on #2.

What’s likely true here: Coleman knows Buffy did TJ’s homework. I don’t think there’s any grand bluff there. TJ told Coleman that.

Did TJ volunteer that information or did Coleman figure that out on his own? It’s not a wild leap to guess that after Coleman learned about TJ’s disability, his next question would be about how he then aced his homework assignment. It’s possible TJ could’ve thrown that info out there unprompted, but that’s a risk on his part, no? There’s no way of knowing that Coleman wouldn’t also punish him for going along with a plan to cheat instead of coming to him in the first place.

I guess it really depends on how much malice you want to attribute to TJ here, and that’s probably affected by whatever your thoughts were about TJ coming into the episode.

What we also need to figure out is whether or not TJ told Coleman that he asked Buffy to do his homework.

Here’s where I start to have some real trouble with the scene, because I think I’ve finally settled on the answer being no, he didn’t. I think this is the lie Buffy is calling TJ out on. I think we’re supposed to get from all this that TJ told Coleman that Buffy did his homework on her own, in one last attempt to get her off the team.

And it’s real tough to work out the logic behind how that plan would work or why TJ would even attempt it in the first place.

First, like the idea of him throwing this information out there unprompted, why would TJ assume he wouldn’t also be punished (or that Buffy would be over-punished) for this whole homework cheating thing? At the very least, he went along with it for this long. There’s culpability there. He’d have to assume Coleman would think something like, “Well, he’s got a learning disability and didn’t know what else to do while Buffy should’ve known better.” I mean, I guess that’s what Coleman did, but that’s such a weird sense of justice for a teacher to have. Incredibly lucky on TJ’s part.

But once you dig into the actual story he would have to tell Coleman to get to this place, it really falls apart.

First off, it just weird – Buffy, against my wishes, just did all my math homework. For fun?

You could argue, I guess, that she might do it just to say she tutored him and fixed him, but that would blow up in her face the next homework assignment or test, and every subsequent one after that. She’s smart enough to know that. And Coleman should know that she’s smart enough to know that.

And really, how would that benefit Buffy anyway? Why would she even bother trying to pull the wool over Coleman’s eyes when she could just say TJ’s untutorable and leave like every other tutor he’s had. No harm, no foul. It’s not like she’s got some big cash prize waiting at the end of this or anything.

Furthermore, this entire plan is predicated on Buffy never explaining her side. She could very easily tell Coleman that TJ asked her to do it and she could point to any of these aforementioned logical gaps as to why she wouldn’t have just done his homework on a whim. It gets into a he-said, she-said situation, but it’s not like TJ’s reputation is sterling, while Buffy’s one of the best students in school.

And this whole thing, by the way, doesn’t even gain TJ that much: Buffy’s gone in a few days anyway. He gets his team back. If it all falls apart -- if at any step along the way Coleman stops and says, “Wait a second, this doesn’t make any sense.” -- then TJ would be in even more trouble with the basketball team than he’s already been in. You can’t explain away lying to throw your tutor under the bus with a learning disability.

The whole plan is both brazen and pointless.

So, why bother with this bit of storytelling? Well, it creates immediate drama, obviously. It leads to a big blow to our hero Buffy’s hopes and creates a deep conflict with Cyrus that needs to be dealt with.

Ok. So TJ’s a bad guy then. He wants nothing more than to beat Buffy and be the top dog.

I mean, look, if that’s the case, fine. The logic of the plan still bugs me, but the storytelling works for the most part.

But here’s where I say that the show is trying to have its cake and eat it.

I don’t actually believe it’s the case that TJ is meant to be some moustache-twirling villain here. I’m pretty sure the show truly wants us to believe point #4: that TJ is trying to change for the better.

Why? Because of how he acts throughout the scene. You have to remember: TJ’s behavior in this scene is a conscious choice by the director and the producers. The actor, Luke, didn’t just try to play TJ as sincere for most of this scene on a whim. If he was making character choices that the people behind the scenes weren’t gelling with, it would’ve never made it to air.

So let’s look at how TJ behaves throughout this scene.

He stops Buffy outside the gym and approaches real easy, even mentioning that he’s coming in peace. They have the whole exchange about telling Coleman about the learning disability, and Buffy needing to talk to Coleman. TJ talks about how he’s changed, and how he’s an open book, and even says some nice things about hoping Buffy doesn’t get kicked off the team and about how he heard she had a good game.

Then he heads for the gym and Buffy stops him by saying everything he’s said is a lie.

And here’s where the whole thing throws me for a loop.

If this whole scene had happened the same way up until this point, and Buffy called him out, and TJ turned around with an evil grin and said, “You’re right.” and then something like, “Boom baby, you just got Kippen’d!” and ran off into the gym, I’d have gotten it.

Oh, ok. Moustache-twirling villain. Playing evil chess and scheming. Got it.

It’s not like we haven’t seen that before. It would be very similar to the scene on the basketball court in “We Were Never.” Let’s remember that scene real quick.

Buffy calls timeout because TJ won’t pass her the ball. They bicker about passing for a second. TJ says he’ll do it next time and Buffy calls him out for lying. She says, “You just say what you need to say to get what you want, but you don’t mean any of it.”

And TJ says, “You’re right,” in a super smug way, and drops this look on her.

Which is just a cold, cold stare. Basically: Yeah, you caught me. I lied, I don’t care, I’m in charge, what are you going to do about it, etc. etc. (Or in other words, “You got Kippen’d.”)

Again, if this is how TJ turned around after Buffy called him out for lying in “A Walker to Remember,” I’d instantly understand where we’re at with him.

But he doesn’t. Let’s look at the body language.

It’s shame.

Regret.

Admission.

Let’s listen to the way he says “Old habits die hard,” and the seemingly genuine tone he uses when he says that he’s really trying.

I mean, think about him saying that now. He contends that he’s really trying after Buffy’s busted him for lying. Why would he do that? If that’s untrue, what incentive does he have for trying to convince Buffy of it? Unless... Unless he’s telling the truth.

And then he tells her she’s right. And for a second, you maybe think he is making fun of her. She even calls him out on it.

And once again, he could drop everything and reveal himself as a villain here (You got Kippen’d and all that) but he doesn’t.

He seems actually surprised that she’s mad. Like, he was either trying to lighten the mood with a joke or he was honestly trying to make her feel better by saying the words he knows she loves hearing, but he wasn’t doubling down on evil. (I mean, let’s be honest here, it’s not the most natural thing to say either way, and the only reason he really said it was to advance the Buffy/Cyrus storyline by giving Buffy a clue to sniff out. But, you know, I’m analyzing it as a line of dialogue and not a plot-pushing device.)

And then, after all that, when Buffy’s figured it out and TJ realizes he’s given up Cyrus.

And that he’s gotten him in a lot of trouble with Buffy.

That is not the same TJ from earlier in this season.

This is someone who actually cares about a person other than himself.

That’s my issue with the scene. It presents us two wildly different things. What we saw from TJ in the episode was character growth. Especially in the scene with Cyrus earlier, but in this one, too, if we believe him to be sincere for at least a chunk of it.

And yet, he makes a sneaky, irrational move to try and oust Buffy from the team? And the only explanation we get is “Old habits die hard.” Like, as much as he was trying to be a hashtag good boi, a little devil inside of him jumped up and made him blame Buffy for the homework thing? I couldn’t help myself, I just had to frame you! It’s really very disjunctive.

(Here’s a quick alternate explanation for everything that, in my opinion, makes more sense and is more consistent with the character arcs, but doesn’t actually seem to me to be where they’re heading with this.

Assume TJ was honest about being an open book with Coleman. Say he laid all his cards out on the table: I have a disability, I asked Buffy to do my homework. Coleman, because of his still warped sense of justice, chooses to punish Buffy anyway. This sort of leads us to the same point, but TJ’s actions are less malicious and more in line with his recent character growth. He doesn’t make some risky, near pointless attempt to ruin Buffy. It just kind of happened through carelessness.

When Buffy says he’s lying, it’s possible she’s referring to the last things he said to her before that line: that he hopes she doesn’t get kicked off the team and that he heard she had a great game against the Raptors - implied there that he’s happy she had a good game, even without him.

Then TJ’s line about old habits dying hard, coupled with the line about really trying is saying, “Yeah, I honestly would still rather you not be on the team. I’m not happy you’re a good team leader. Though I am trying to be better about that.”

This whole way of viewing the interaction requires more nuance and explanation though, and I don’t know if we’ll get that. It’s easier to just accept TJ=bad for now until he shows up next time and they inch him closer toward redemption.)

Last thing.

I think this scene has been a big source of the conflict this week in the fandom. (Well, some of the conflict. We got conflict for days out here.)

But I think this scene is a problem in that sense because its vagueness has served as a sort of Rorschach test for anyone who has thoughts about TJ one way or the other.

If you came into this scene hating TJ, it’s likely you mostly just took from it the TJ=bad parts. He’s a snake. He’s out to get Buffy again. He’s a villain. (It’s honestly not an unfair reading of it, especially if want to believe it was a targeted attack and you also want to believe everything he said about growth was part of the lie.)

And if you came into this scene rooting for TJ, you see the person trying to make a change and the Buffy stuff leads more to disappointment than rage, like someone you know can do better, but keeps sabotaging themselves. (Again, assuming it’s based in rancor and not carelessness. You might also be more willing to believe the alternate explanation of what happened.)

Anyway. I don’t know how to wrap this up. I’m exhausted. I’ve been writing and thinking about this for too long now. Still, if you want to hit up the comments and discuss it more, that’s cool. I’ll jump back in. In the meantime, though, I’m going to go have myself a little lie down.