#and also its almost 4am and i have class in 2 hours LOL

[girlfrends]

damn i miss feeling happy

[kjclfaller]

Sometimes I'll make a schedule for myself and feel like shit when I don't follow it, then I'll look at the schedule and think shiiit, you forgot to factor in rest, meals and sleep 🥴

[mylifewithadhd]

November 25, 2020 - 3:44am

I just finished studying for the day and am about to get ready for bed.

I must note that my dog farted and the room smells really bad even though I just let him out and he pooped 5 minutes ago... lol

BUT anyways, I started my medication on Monday for my ADHD and it made me feel a bit dizzy even though I was prescribed 5mg Adderall tablets. Not sure why that was, maybe I was just not used to it. The prescription bottle says that that is a side effect, so I hope it goes away eventually. I found myself to be concentrated and focused on whatever I was doing when I was studying, but then when I took breaks I found myself taking REALLY long breaks... like I would do school work for an hour, then take like a 2 hour break??? Not sure why, but at least I got a lot of work done.

Today I decided not to take my meds because my psychologist told me to take them as needed. I was not as productive today, but I did do a lot of tedious tasks to get ready for finals such as organizing and printing out study guides and organizing them on my desktop since all of my final exams are open book and open note. I haven’t really studied that much, or as much as I wanted to, so I hope that starting tomorrow I will be studying more. Or at least thats my plan. I have been playing a lot of animal crossing when I take my study breaks, and then end up taking a longer break than anticipated. I think when my bf picks my dog up Friday I will tell him to take the switch. 

I will be spending thanksgiving by myself because my finals start on December 1st, and I have already slacked off so much with studying (aka last week I BARELY DID ANYTHING AND I AM STILL MAD AT MYSELF FOR IT... (this is why I hate ADHD sometimes...)). I just really need to study and get my shit together, so that I do not get kicked out of law school...................................

If I do not post often within the next couple weeks, that means I am studying (or trying to study lol). My last final is on December 10, so I just need to stay focused until then! Pray for me! I got this! And I will pass ALL of my final exams for the Fall 2020 semester and ALL of my Fall 2020 semester classes (property, civil procedure I, constitutional law II, and evidence) with A’s and B’s!!!! <3 <3 <3 Manifesting it now <3 <3 <3 

Okay its almost 4am, so I should clean up my bed because my study aids and stuff are all over it, and head to bed(: Goodnight <3

P.S. Its also my brothers BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY!!!!! So happy birthday Trey <3 

[animiya]

Today was a rough day. In the end, everything turned out okay. It almost feels like someone is watching over me. Briefly, today was a day to remember.

this is a long post.

It started with a late night. Perhaps 4am or 5am. There was nobody to blame but myself for the lack of self-discipline. I dreaded the arrival of morning and thought it might better to drown my worries in a late night Youtube binge. Nothing out of the ordinary. I’ll drift to sleep with as the iPad begins to slide out of my grip. Perhaps the fading sounds will enter my subconsciousness as the soundtrack for my upcoming dream.  

Morning sounds with an abrupt ring. Did I even sleep? I’m so tired. I don’t want to go to class.

The weather is awful. Rain. Pouring rain. My clothes don’t really fit the way they used to. They are uncomfortable. The rain will soak my pants regardless of what I wear. My hair will become damp. Where will I put my umbrella in a lecture hall packed full of 600 people. 

I’m tired. I don’t want to go to class. 

But I have to go. I’ve worked too hard in this class to throw it all away. I need to prove to myself that I can do better than its prerequisite course. I need to maintain my GPA. The pros and cons are being weighed as I wiggle out of bed. 

Yesterday’s outfit is reused. I dart outside and speed walk towards the lecture hall. I can barely see. Everything is fuzzy. A kind of blur which dissipates after you are you fully awake. The blur doesn’t dissipate. It’s uncomfortable not being able to see. I walk along the sidewalk and look across the street only to see an assortment of colours lacking edges. The pedestrian light is white not red. Where did the walking man go? The weather sucks. 

I make it to class 10 minutes late. Just in time for graded clickers to begin. We do a record breaking 20 clicker questions - thank god I came to class. 

Class ends and I return home. My bed is inviting and I cordially accept its offer. I curl up into a ball. I’m tired - I think I’ll take a 30 minute nap. I dream of food as my stomach growls. The alarm blares and my heart sinks. 

I’m tired. Maybe I’ll just skip class. 

The alarm is not snoozed. It is shut off. I’ve made my decision. I’m not going to class. My eyes shut and begun to drift into a carefree state. Unexpectedly, the building’s fire alarm is set off.  

I’m tried. Man, but I can even sleep cause it’s so loud. 

I pack my bag and get ready to leave. I guess I’’m going to class after all. Just as I finished locking my door, the fire alarm is silenced.

I leave and my stomach still growls. If I don’t eat now, I won’t eat until 7pm. I take a hard right and enter the bakery. I grab my fav hotdog bun and line up at the cash. I’m second in line to pay. 

The person positioned before me is ordering. 

“Do you want bacon?” asks the cashier.

“Sure, why not,” replies the man

“What about soyamilk?”

“No, none of that,” he replies.

The series of questions continue. 

He notices me behind him and tells the cashiers to let me pay first. 

The cashier refuses.

The questions continue. “That’ll be $25.60,″ the cashier states as she begins to enter the amount into the card machine. 

The man taps. 

The cashier clarifies,  “Sorry we only accept debit or cash.” 

The man taps his debit card. It doesn’t go through. 

The man tries again. It fails for a second time. 

With a defeated look, he starts to reach for some green, plastic currency. “I’ll pay for her.” 

I turn to face him. Nono, I can pay for it myself. I don’t need you to pay for me. I try to explain to him that it’s fine. 

“You are a student! I’ll pay for it. Stay in school, unlike this guy over here,” he jokes as he turns to his meal companion. 

He pays. I thank him. 

What a kind person. I smile as I walk towards class with my hogdog bun. 

Class ends. 3 hours lab comes next. There is a quiz. I didn’t study very hard. Why does every centimeter of the circulatory system has a different name?? Also, the fetal pig circulatory system and urogenital dissection was hard af. I swear man, that fetal pig might have been male but it didn’t have a penis :(. When you try to ask everyone else where their pig’s penis is only to discover that you have the only male fetal pig in the lab. Wtf. LOL

Ah shit. Our dissection sucks and my name is called for the quiz.  

Pick 2 questions from the bucket of doom. Stall by writing my name as slow as possible so that I can think about where to point on my pig. I somehow finessed my way into getting 100%. 

what. I’m in disbelief. 

If god is real, why have you decided to help me now? Do I deserve this?

I toss Charlotte into the biohazardous waste bin. In hindsight, Charlotte was a bad name for a male pig without a penis. 

Two hours with my koala gang to put together a presentation. A trip to the library to find a reference book on koalas. A really kind librarian. A trip home. A weekday night excursion with a wavy-haired chingu to my favourite restaurant in the city.  

And here I am now. Things turned out alright. I’m glad I went outside.

Today turned out okay. Tomorrow will also be okay. Everything is okay. You will be okay. 

It is 1am now and I am no longer tired. Tomorrow will bring something exciting. 

Thank you for the bakery guy for adding something bright to such a gloomy day. 

Thank you to the dissection gods for sparing me. 

[seouliloquy]

have I mentioned how much I hate money?

I talked to my boss at the sandwich shop, and asked if he could at least guarantee me 15 hours for when the semester starts. That’s 390,000 a month, which covers my bases (rent, utilities, internet, phone, transportation) with a little wiggle room. 

Now, this is THE least paying job I have. but it’s close to home/school (walking distance), comes with free food, and a healthy, stable working environment and a boss who actually gives a shit and doesn’t mistreat part-timers/particularly foreigners. It’s like a safe-haven for those of us who work there. So I want to do my best to keep this job. 

After some discussion, he said it would be possible as long as I’m able to take the Friday night and Saturday morning shifts. I was like “OK deal”

However. This sets me up for some other problems. See if you can follow lol

1. confliction with gym class job and tae kwon do lessons

If I schedule a class during registration during 5th or 6th period on any day of the week (so 2:00-3:15 or 3:30-4:45) I cannot continue teaching the gym class on Mondays because I have to be in Jamsil by 3:15, Which means I need to leave Anam around 2:15. Looking at my course prospects and needs, and 영강 options (cause of course i’m gonna take as many of those as I can cause although I enjoy the challenge and experience of taking my courses in Korean...if there’s an opportunity where I don’t have to, and thus avoiding setting myself up for barely passing but getting a chance at an actual good grade...then I would take it. So...because of this... I just might have to drop that job. which sucks because it’s SUPER FUN, and I love the kids. and after that i take the free tae kwon do lesson before i go home. Now, I spoke with the dojang owner, and i said that this is a likely possible case because monday and wednesday are less flexible in classes than say, Friday, which was the other day that I was originally going to also do the gym class, but since he just opened didn’t have enough students enrolled yet. So I told him, if it comes down to it, I would still like to teach the class, but maybe switch me to Friday if he can. I can still make the lesson in the evening on Monday, and still do the one after the class on Friday. I haven’t bought my uniform yet. BUT....if I agree to work at the sandwich shop in Anam until 9 on Fridays, I can’t do either of that. Can’t teach the class, can’t take the lesson. But this is 15,000 won per hour, for 2.5 hours PLUS free tae kwon do lessons, with a 1 hour commute...versus the 6,500 won per hour plus free food and nice working environment for 5 hours with no commute. 

So you can see my concern...

2. confliction with soccer coaching 

The same dojang owner owns the club where i’m coaching on thursday evenings, but in a different location, in southern Bundang area. It takes me about 1.5 hours to get there and back, and approximately 6,000won for the total commute. So in order for me to get there by 4:20 to help take the kids on the mini bus to their pickup spots and start the class by 5, i need to leave Anam by 3:00. So it’s the same situation where taking any class in period 5 or 6 (between 2 and 4:45) will render this job impossible. Since it’s cold out we’re only exercising indoors, and its really boring and limited, but once weather warms up I can actually really coach them with ball skills and teamwork. It’s a fun, legal and safe job too. The kids are growing to like me and i’m getting to like them too. As pain in the butts as they can be in terms of listening and paying attention, i actually enjoy it. It’s not the same as mindless sandwich making but also not entirely mentally draining either, being only for an hour. This is a 30,000 class. 

So between the two classes, I’m earning 270,000won per month, for 16 hours of total work. It’s a really REALLY good deal. I also spend about 40,000 per month on the transportation back and forth, and about 5 hours per week in commute time, but I can study, relax, catch up on news and announcements on Portal (KU announcements) and other stuff, and nap during those times so i dont mind the commute so much. 

Its the timing with my classes that i’m worried about...

and if my boss at the sandwich shop can guarantee 15 hours for me, that’s at least 4 free meals (plus whatever i decide to take home - although i really should be cutting down on the bread consumption lol) and 390,000 won, as I mentioned, for a 60 total hours worked. i can’t acquire any more hours than that, though. This is still nothing compared to the money i made working in the talking bar five days a week for 9k per hour almost every effing day until effing 4am...but still better.

So let’s see...

There are 168 hours in a week, and 744 hours per month (31 days) Hypothetically, if I managed 7 hours of sleep per day, that’s 217 hours per month spent sleeping. = 527 hours remain Plus with 6 classes at 3 credit hours each, that’s 18 hours per week spent in class, or  approximately 85 hours/month = 442 60 hours working at the sandwich shop = 382 16 hours at the two gyms respectively = 366 commute time 5 hours per week = 341 2 hours 5 days a week at the gym is 40 hours = 301 2 hours of soccer 2x per week with Elise = 285 approximately 3 hours per day spent on meals (93) = 192 approximately 2 hours total per day for other random things that take up time (62) = 130 Divide that by 31 days in a month, that’s 4.2 hours per day to do things like rest,  study, walk between classes, and chill.  Which on paper like this seems like a lot of time.

but when i look at it on a daily basis MOST of that free time is on Sunday.

And saturdays and sundays are the most likely times we’ll have soccer games!

It’s all a mess and I don’t know what to do. :( 

there are NO classes that I need that I can take at the times I need...and I don’t have any room for more “general studies” and I won’t be able to graduate at least one semester late. 

[ab3lle]

2016 update! (part three) (last one)

August, 2016

I got an offer from ums. that time i was checking thru sms. 

“Tahniah, anda di tawarkan ke Universiti Malaysia Sabah, kos HC13.”

What the hell is hc13 and i was actually expecting something related w food. (yeap science again just for the sake of ibu) eg: food tech, nutritionist, blabla. but it was actually an e-commerce. and never once in my life i heard about e-commerce. i did a lot of research. i asked everyone what is e-commerce. i checked the job oppurtinity. i was reluctant at first. bcs i told my friend, i mmg want to further at sabah but i wont go if got a nonsense course. i was really clueless that time. but my dad really support me. he asked me that it was ok. just go w the flow. thats it. i finally accept the offer. went for the orientation. and was really close to jiji since then.

September, 2016

I fall in love w the beauty of labuan. people at labuan started to address me as bella/belle instead of nab. so whenever i heard someone call me ‘nab’ at labuan, i feel weird. basically, whenever i am at labuan, its alright to call me bella/belle. anw like ji and tia, they still stick to nab instead bella/belle. i also went hiking too for the very first time in my life. at bukit kubong. 148 above the sea. one of the highest places at labuan. (besides umskal building) i also starts to experience celebrating hari raya aidiladha at labuan. at first in the morning after solat sunat hari raya, we went to one of the lecturer’s house which basically she’s also once a umskal student, to have some celebration at her house. we gather w the seniors from second, third and fourth year w from both faculty, (fki and fkal). i started w taekwondo again but mehhhh. it was only lasts for a day. bcs i stopped for a while and i forgot almost everything. so sad. plus my stamina pun out. so i decided to quit. (does it sounds like i’m giving up?)

October, 2016

Ghost house to gain some money for umskal got talent event. went inside to experience it but i was really scared tho i kenal every one yg jadi hantu. theres one day i went wall climbing and i cant go any higher bcs i am too heavy (gotta admit that) and teman ji and tia played futsal at night. a productive day i can say. its also the month i started to feel like i fall for my crush when i randomly record him make a cendol. (sorry, ex-crush) like, out of nowhere. but think back, i think i fall for him earlier when i first met him at klia. used to like him. used. sewa kereta at friday for 2 hours just for the sake of nasi kerabu at kedai ganu w ji and tia lol. and oh, fki family day. i was reluctant to go at first which i didnt sign up my name at first. ended up, someone said to me, “kau tak pergi fki family day, kau siap belle bila aku jumpa kau” and i terus muncul tetiba at the bus stop, that morning. hehhh. also, umskal got talent was held on october. had some problems when kertas undi tak cukup, so kak tyka and i, run naik atas level 3 to print a new one. i freaking run. i think i lost about 2.1kg that night. that was on semi final. its actually good to have some activity to do at night besides sleep. like i usually do. during the final, which was held 2 weeks after, it was good. had some problems too. tired, but satisfied. it was my first event that i joined, and it was good. i started to drive back since i left it about a year+ not driving. yeah i dont have problem in driving except not being able to drive properly, bad in guessing the distance between the car that i drove and the car behind me, took hours to park the car, and the list goes on. at the end of october, went to kk city during the mid sem break. it was my first time reached there. i went w jiji, and her friend, hamir came all the way from johor bahru. the planning was upside down i can say lol. from the hotel, food, transportation, shopping, all messed up. sokay we learnt from experience hahaha.

November, 2016

Took class photo. yeah class photo. i was lazy at first but just bcs my friend, she put such efforts to coax me and join the class photo, so i came all the way from cafe to menara. had mandarin midterm at menara. i thought i’ve done my best, but the results came out makes me feels like mehhhhh. struggling w e-commerce 3k words assignment, which i thought should be handed on 10th November but end up the lecturer said it supposed to be handed on the 10th weeks of lecture. me being me, me and last minutes works are really like a best friend. best friend for ever till jannah. told myself should change to a better me but meh. lets hope i’ll change one day. bought a new sneakers when i lost one pair of my freaking new shoes. tipulah if i said i didnt sad. but mybe not my rezeki kot. big thing happened on november i think was, tamu gadang event. from protocol to urusetia. tired but i really like the experiences. during the graduate run, i was supposedly get ready by 4am, ended up i woke up late and i was there at 4.30am or is it 5am. i really have problem when it comes to wake up early in the morning. big, problem. and i just realize the pokestop at umskal suddenly went missing. i was really sad that time. no kidding. went to palm beach resort after find some things for sispa booth. main buai while enjoying the scenery there. really makes me fall in love w nature, beach, and labuan.

December, 2016

Karkomkal event. since i joined sispa, i will join karkomkal for 3 semesters. bcs sispa is actually badan beruniform and have to take till my third semester. means what? on the next sem, others are enjoying wake up late, and i’ll be rushing on saturday morning for sispa lecture lol. indian cultural night, we (me, ji, and tia) didnt take part in that event bcs we are lazy already. and accidentally wore red, some color w them. what a coincidence. had titas presentation too on december w the most 1 malaysia group ever. 1 chinese, 1 sarawakian, 2 malays, and 2 indians. its good to get the chance to mix w all the races especially when you are out from yr zone. also, our programming group project. took us about 1 night to do it, and about less than 2 days to find and fix error and we did it. and i really thought that ‘class’ wont be came out during final but then, paapppp! 35marks. trust me i didnt revise about ‘class’. anw, we received a compliment from our tutor! goodjob mates xoxo. tak sia sia i skip ugt family day just bcs i had to stick on the screen to find the error on my group project lol. basically last class for every subject. bcs final is approaching that time. and last but not least, my 2016 ended w sispa final exam.

My 2016 update finally comes to the end. the last 5 months in 2016 basically were my first semester of degree journey. remember when i said i badly want to further in IT related? i really grateful when i didnt give up for matrics, my result was just passed, and i didnt get what my parents wants but god put me nicely in what i deserve. hence, e-commerce. tho at first idk a thing about e-commerce, but day by day, i realize it flows in me since i was small. god plans is always great. i might merungut all the time but i know everything happens for reasons and great thing will finally come. you just have to wait and have faith in allah.

And i am really sorry bcs it took me a month to do this update. but believe me, i was actually very sad, when a friend of mine, suddenly was not my friend anymore, those great time i used to have are now tinggal memories, it saddens me. really. every pictures have its own story. and i realize how people change, day by day, month by month, year by year. even myself. and i am happy for everyone, especially my friends. prayers are all goes to them. take care my lovely friends. still friend or not, still contact or have lost contact, thanks for making my life memorable. thanks bcs you used to be there. i wish you to have a better life. and those who are still w you, or w us, treasure them. bcs we dont know till when they will stick to us. till then. :)

P/s: no pictures on this post update bcs even theres no picture in this, its too long already. no. actually bcs i have problem in transferring pictures from my phone to pc. anyio.