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#and autistic or not i did notice the shift in tone 😭 ohhhhh ill KILL MYSELF I SWEAR
wensvol
·
8 months
Text
how do i stop reliving a moment where i said something stupid and got called out for it (rightfully so)
#what happened was i was talking with my coworkers and one of my supervisors after work and we landed on a certain hospital
#my sv said he was born there and got surgery there and it’s the same hospital my dad lived at for a year
#and without missing a beat i go ‘my dad died there’ and i often joke abt him dying cus he’s old and abusive and technically he DID die +
#there during a heart surgery he had
#but it took me too long to say Haha no he didnt
#and autistic or not i did notice the shift in tone 😭 ohhhhh ill KILL MYSELF I SWEAR
#but ofc. my coworker and sv dont know i hate my dad
#my friend was sitting next to me and even she had to do a little check cus apparently i said it so seriously
#the rest of the night was totally fine and i apologized for my comment
#especially cus my sv was like. Well my dad actually passed away. so.
#AND GOD I COULD JUST BURY MYSELF RIGHT THERE AND THEN
#i dont even know what prompted me to say it i so often have these moments where i just say the most random things
#and dont stop to consider what i’m actually saying
#i dont wanna sit here and blame my adhd or some other fucking diagnosis i got because i cant go around saying ‘oh that wasnt me that was the
#voices telling me to’ LIKE?
#anyway
#rant over
#it happened like 3 days ago and i hate how i keep punishing myself for it
#and truly the rest of the evening was totally fine idt my supervisor held it against me much
#he knows im autistic cus i told him vaguely about it but he didn’t react to it much then
#and ik he understands autism somewhat cus he graduated w a psychology degree and he has family members who are autistic afaik
#AND he told me he was on antidepressants for 3 yrs to which i told him i was on meds for 16 yrs and he asked for what and i said for adhd
#so he knows that too. but god. GOD. im sewing my mouth shut
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