#and bc it hasn't all been doom and gloom. but... it's been more gloom than i would like

[tiffanylamps]

did i mean to take a break from tumblr for this long? nope. am i "back"? we'll find out together

[shanonthewind]

On The Wind

On the wind? What is that right? It's just a metaphor I use to describe my life, that's all. As a kid, it felt as though I was powerless and being carried through life by a strong wind. As an adult, I found myself literally on the wind when a massive fire crippled the ship I was sailing aboard, rendering it powerless and at the mercy of the ocean and the elements. Thanks again to the USN for the rescue.

So who the heck am I and why should you care? Good question. Glad you asked. I will answer the last part first and tell you that don't have to care. Who I am is Shannon and I am a transgender person living in Calgary. As a former sailor (still a sailor) I have lived most of my life on the coasts. I grew up on the Atlantic and lived a large chunk of my life on the Pacific. I moved to Calgary from BC just over four years ago when my ex passed away to cancer and suddenly I was a single parent to a 10 year-old. My sailing days behind me, I moved to Calgary because I had some family here and I knew I would need some family supports.

Moving here has been an adjustment for me. The climate is quite different than I am used to and it weird to be so far from the ocean. I don't really know anyone here and being a full-time parent hasn't left me many opportunities for socializing. Well that, and the fact that I suffer from several mental health conditions aside from my gender dysphoria. I have childhood trauma and depression in my life. Both suck and both contribute to feelings of isolation. Coming out as transgender cost me several close friendships overnight. There is much misinformation, lies and just plain hate directed at trans folk. So meeting new folks is a challenge I suppose. Especially in Calgary, where a lot of the people here seem to be openly hostile towards transgender people. I get stares, glares, and dirty looks here. Very fucking judgy. That's all I will say about that.

That isn't what I am here for however, I have looked for several outlets to express my thoughts, opinions and I am hoping this will be somewhat theraputic I suppose. An outlet for my thoughts. Also with the rise in transphobia and anti-transgender legislation being passed by right wing governments, I realized that I needed to be more visible and so this is where I will start. I am only a few months into transition and I have been admittedly withdrawn. It feels great, but I will try to put myself out there a little more.

I have worn several hats throughout my life but being transgender has always been there. It has been one of the few constants in my life. For me, gender dysphoria was evident from an early age, like 4 or 5, but I grew up poor in a shitty home with violence, alcoholism and abuse. So being transgender was about the last thing I needed, but it was who I was. I suppressed my feelings, but they don't go away. If anything they seem to get stronger over time. I was shamed, ridiculed and punished for it. That made me hate myself. I turned to alcohol and drugs and we all know how that goes. For the record I am sober. I denied who I was, wished it would go away and finally accepted that that is who and what I am.

Anyway that's enough with the doom and gloom, ghost-of-christmas-past shit. Hope it wasn't an overshare. I apologize in advance if it was. It is a part of me that shapes my ideas and opinions so I thought it might be relevant.

I'm mostly pretty chill. I'm older, but not necessarily wiser. Quirky, funny, odd, love to laugh. I'm a big music lover. Lived on the west coast in the 90's and was heavily influenced by that Seattle music scene. Still love it today. Mostly though, I am a quiet person just doing my thing. I used to like sports, now mostly just hockey. There we go, the nutshell is cracked.

Til next time,

Shannon

[thethiefandtheairbender]

i thought i was the only one who cared about mai/zuko bc everyone i've talked to hasn't cared for it or find it boring, which is completely fine if it's not their cup of tea. what i dislike is when people refer to it as "toxic" because it really isn't. i love how you pointed out that mai represents a positive tie to the fire nation, something worth coming home to, but do you think he would have been better off w someone like jin, someone who made him happy during their date vs mai's closed (1/2)

(2/2) closed off demeanor? i've seen the argument made that he needs someone like katara/jin bc zuko needs someone to open up and "lighter" to offset his doom and gloom (insert the gifset of mai saying "i just asked if you were cold, not your whole life story" vs katara talking him outside of uncle iroh's tent. and given zuko went off and joined the gaang, do you think he wanted someone without ties to his past life, bc mai would in a sense represent his abusive childhood?

the thing is that, after “the beach,” mai is more emotionally open with zuko: “i know one thing i care about. i care about you.” (it’s particularly impressive because it’s mai being open about her feelings even while azula is there, too). we see this reflected in how she goes to the boiling rock to speak with him and get answers, but also actually hear him out. mai is also arguably the one non abusive aspect of zuko’s childhood outside his mother and as an abuse survivor, mai and ty lee both understand zuko’s messed up family dynamics better than anyone. mai also stands up to her abuser for zuko (and for herself), which is an incredibly brave thing to do. 

mai doesn’t have hang ups over zuko being a good or bad firebender because she’s not a bender, and firebending was one of the primary causes of zuko’s abuse. mai proves that she’s loyal enough to support zuko’s idealistic (or even ‘traitorous’) world view because she loves and trusts him. her home was across the street and clearly a safe place for him as he stays over there at least once (3x09). much like zuko’s mother, she stood up to someone who was trying to harm him and saved his life in return for possibly sacrificing her own, and that’s one of the reasons why mai saying “i love zuko more than i fear you” sets azula off so terribly. 

if you look at mai as representative of his childhood abuse, not only is that disregarding the abuse they’ve both suffered from azula, but also like - if zuko’s past life is full of nothing but pain, then why the hell would you want him to be firelord when the power and position has done nothing but directly ruin his family and himself? why would you want him to go back and live in his abusive childhood home in the palace? but those things can be redeemed and reclaimed and become empowering to him, but a relationship with mai, an actual living loving person who’s growing alongside him, can’t? smells like bullshit to me. 

also, every member of the gaang except aang reassures zuko about his uncle: sokka, toph, katara. katara does so at the end because it’s about forgiveness and she’s the only one in the gaang who had to actually forgive him. 

jin is a very interesting and easy romantic option because we barely know her. we know she’s invested in this cute, awkward brooding boy, but like. she’s barely a character. she has no flaws or backstory. she’s not good at actually reading zuko (“let me guess: you juggled”) or smoothing over his awkward patches. 

mai, with her dry sarcasm, at least manages something, and zuko is never that awkward with her to begin with because he’s known her for forever, and she can actually read zuko pretty well. while she doesn’t always respond to his openness in the best way, like the quote you included above, zuko is at least secure about being open to her even after three years apart and she wants a relationship with him even before they know everything’s going to be okay with his father. 

zuko is already so emotional, all the time, that he needs someone that’s not going to emotionally react back in a knee jerk reaction and have the situation escalate, either positively or negatively. and katara is easily one of the most emotional members of the gaang, too.

as for katara, i’ve never been quite able to articulate why i don’t think zuko and katara work as a romantic pair, but i’m pretty sure you should ship things based on what suits both parties, not just whichever girl is “better” for the boy even if it would be a crap relationship for her. katara deserves better than someone she’d be constantly fighting with and giving up her dreams for of travelling, bending, and rebuilding her tribe, tbh.

not to mention, katara can already be a pretty serious, ‘uptight’ person. she already needs someone who’s gonna balance her out with fun and sunshine and make sure she takes breaks for herself - not constantly be that person for somebody else.

the bullshit is strong.