#and for a moment there i was bogged down by the imposter syndrome. but then i had a Think

[zipstidbits]

hi zip! 👋 i'm just really curious about how you got into astrophysics 👀 and what careers interest you in that field if you don't mind sharing ☺️ i just think it's so cool, but like, in the way of someone who knows absolutely nothing about astrophysics except that it's probably really hard and also rockets 😛🚀 have a lovely day! 💞

hi zesty!!!!! thanks so much for asking, i don't mind sharing at all :))))

how i got into astrophysics:

both my parents are second-generation americans so education/college was always The Big Goal growing up. this translated to my parents really emphasizing math and science skills and i got really interested in science this way. (the post-cold war american cultural emphasis on science as a whole probably contributed to this as well, lmao.)

i ended up momentarily ditching the science dream because i started struggling with math in middle school. i can do it, but my adhd means i struggle to hold numbers in my head (do mental math) and sometimes i can be slow/need to write things out more than others/make silly mistakes/and then get bogged down by imposter syndrome. this was like 10+ years ago so i had zero diagnoses and minimal support so i hopped onto the anti-math train.

i never stopped liking science though. i want to know everything and imo, science contains the answers to everything and is how we'll learn all that is unknown right now. once i hit high school and science class started having a shit ton more math i started to view math differently. it became the whole 'the enemy (math) of my enemy (the unknown) is my friend' thing. thankfully, math, when applied to physics concepts, makes more sense than when in a pure math class, so this became a very doable arrangement.

i also started consuming a lot more pop-science/science in the news around this time. neil degrasse tyson, the one astrophysics class i took in high school, and my dad who played a lot of star trek and pbs space videos on youtube to bond with me opened my mind to the most beautiful thing ever (space). i just think it's the coolest thing ever and the unknowns are so cool and i want to know what's going on up there so bad!!!!

this (and some spite*) led me to apply to college for a BS in physics. doing just physics and not astrophysics was sort of a safety net because i thought i'd really like particle physics too but it turns out quantum mechanics is evil and fucked up so i chose to stick with astrophysics as my concentration, lmao.

*i felt like a lot of my peers in high school assumed i couldn't do this because i wasn't naturally good at math/physics and i took a little more time and effort (i spent a lot of early mornings and afternoons in help sessions, lmao) and a part of me wanted to prove them wrong.

then, this past fall/winter, i applied for a bunch of astrophysics phd programs because i've thankfully got a BS degree and i've made my mind up on what i want to do in life (study/learn about space). i got rejected from 7 out of the 8 schools i applied to which was terrible in the moment but great now because i didn't really have to choose what program to accept, lmaoooooooooooo.

careers that interest me:

i very much enjoy teaching (i was a teaching assistant this year) and i would really like to continue it. i could probably do that in most research jobs by mentoring others in a lab/research setting but also being a professor sounds really cool and appealing to me since i could do research and traditional teaching, lmao.

i'm kind of willing to give most astrophysics research jobs a try, i think? the only line i'd really draw is i don't want to work anywhere near the american military-industrial complex for moral reasons

thank you again for asking zesty!!!! sorry for rambling so much and i hope you have a lovely day as well!!! <33333

[thearchaeologiststeacup]

It's time for the first #MugshotMonday in a while! Today's post features this beautiful "Queen's" china cup made by @churchill_1795 , a well established UK company founded back in 1795 in Stoke-on-Trent. I received this as a gift from the lovely @dutchjesss several years ago and it's the only cup I have with a slogan on it. . It's that slogan that I wanted to discuss in today's post. We're now well into the second half of 2022, and I know that I at least am starting to get that nagging anxiety at the back of my brain working through the checklist of everything that I wanted to get done this year. It's all too easy to get completely bogged down in these lists, and so sometimes you have to remind yourself that being awesome is also something important to do. No deadline, no word count, no maximum length; just simply being awesome. . On the other hand, trying to be awesome can sometimes add even more to the anxiety. In nearly all walks of life, imposter syndrome is rife, no matter what your field or position is. Trying to be awesome and not feeling like you're succeeding can inflate this imposter syndrome even more out of proportion - adding extra stress by attempting to be something that you don't feel you are. . But remember, awesomeness is completely relative. It's a subjective adjective. One person's awesome may be another person's average, and another person's absolutely astounding. So don't forget to be awesome, but remember that this awesomeness should be for you and you alone. Be as awesome as you feel you can be at this particular moment. Maybe it will increase, maybe it will decrease, but the important thing is to embrace and be satisfied with what you are feeling right now. . Can you tell I'm still a bit jetlagged...? . What's making you feel awesome today? . #TeaDay #Monday #MondayMotivation #motivation #positivity #FeelingAwesome #archaeologist #ArchaeologistsOfInstagram #CuppaTea #StartOfTheWeek #PhDlife #PhD #AcademicsOfInstagram https://www.instagram.com/p/CiHseMjKvR5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[turningpagebooks]

AUTHOR Q&A AND EXCERPT: L. Penelope, Author of “Song of Blood & Stone”

I was lucky enough to interview the lovely L. Penelope, author of the recently released Song of Blood & Stone.

Song of Blood & Stone is a thrilling, epic fantasy about an outcast drawn into a war between two powerful rulers. With the world building of Brandon Sanderson, the romance of Ilona Andrews, the epic quest of Lord of the Rings, and the doomed star-crossed love of Romeo & Juliet, the first instalment in the Earthsinger series was published on May 1st, 2018.

Orphaned and alone, Jasminda lives in a land where cold whispers of invasion and war linger on the wind. Jasminda herself is an outcast in her homeland of Elsira, where her gift of Earthsong is feared. When ruthless soldiers seek refuge in her isolated cabin, they bring with them a captive--an injured spy who threatens to steal her heart.

Jack's mission behind enemy lines to prove that the Mantle between Elsira and Lagamiri is about to fall nearly cost him his life, but he is saved by the healing Song of a mysterious young woman. Now he must do whatever it takes to save Elsira and it's people from the True Father and he needs Jasminda's Earthsong to do it. They escape their ruthless captors and together they embark on a perilous journey to save Elsira and to uncover the secrets of The Queen Who Sleeps.

Thrust into a hostile society, Jasminda and Jack must rely on one another even as secrets jeopardize their bond. As an ancient evil gains power, Jasminda races to unlock a mystery that promises salvation. The fates of two nations hang in the balance as Jasminda and Jack must choose between love and duty to fulfill their destinies and end the war.

------------------------------------------ INTERVIEW --------------------------------------

What inspired you to write this series? What came first: the characters or the world? What was your inspiration for the magic of Earthsong? Were you inspired by other books?

When I first wrote this book, up until the time I gave it to my first editor, I thought it was going to be a novella. It was always meant to be a fairytale-esque story of a girl’s journey from the margins of society straight to its upper echelons. The characters Jack and Jasminda were there before the world was ever clear in my mind. The first scene I wrote was the one where they meet in front of her cabin. I knew they were from different, warring countries and they came from very different sorts of lives, but that was all. Through the magic of revision (lots and lots of revision) I discovered the journey that the characters would go on and all the conflicts they would face.

I love fantasy and there were so many inspiring series that I soaked in prior to writing the book, from Graceling by Kristin Cashore to Seraphina by Rachel Hartman. But I think this book owes its biggest inspiration to the Lumatere Chronicles by Melina Marchetta. Her fantasy world felt well realized and complex, filled with incredibly detailed characters, groups, nations, and settings. But I also wanted to write a kinder, gentler fantasy novel that wouldn’t double as a doorstopper. And mix in a really strong romance like some of my favorites Nalini Singh or Kresley Cole.

What were your favorite scenes to write for Song Of Blood & Stone? What was the hardest scene to write? Is there a scene or moment that really sticks with you?

Though Usher, Jack’s valet, spends relatively little time on the page, I loved writing the scenes with him and Jack. When two characters have known each other for a long time, it can be really fun to play with how to show their relationship. Usher has known Jack his entire life and so the way they interact is unique. I also loved writing the visions that Jasminda gets from the stone. They were in a different voice, from a totally different perspective and the peeked in on a vibrant, fully formed world that’s different to the one of the main story. Hardest to write were the ones where Jasminda is confronted with the racism and bias of Elsirans. The scene that sticks with me is when Jack and Jasminda are in the army base and he sleeps on the ground beside her, holding her hand. I find it really sweet and romantic.

What advice would you give aspiring authors, especially authors or colour, striving to have their stories and truths shared?

I would tell aspiring authors to really investigate your goals and be frank with yourself about why you want to do this. It’s a difficult path emotionally, creatively, and professionally and what will get you through the low points is being very clear about your “why”. It can also be incredibly rewarding, but knowing what you’re getting yourself into is key.

Writing and publishing are two different disciplines. Your “why” will inform whether you pursue traditional publishing or seek to self-publish. It will keep you going through rejections, delays, bad reviews, disappointment, and the imposter syndrome that we all go through.

The other very important thing is to have a community to fall back on. Whether that’s a chapter of a professional organization like RWA, SFWA, SCWBI, and others, or a Facebook group, critique group, or writer’s circle, having others to commiserate and celebrate with you makes the journey much easier.

You've said before you're a firm believer in fast drafting and then fleshing out the story later. What other writing tips to do have?

I’m a plotter who also discovery writes between plot points, so flexibility is key. I tend to use different plotting systems on different projects. Sometimes the Hero’s Journey will work perfectly, for other books, the “Save the Cat” method is better. It’s important to not be rigid with your idea of what kind of writer you are and understand that each book will require something different from you. Once you accept that, you can roll with the punches better instead of getting bogged down trying to make everything fit into the same method each time. It’s kind of scary, but kind of freeing to know that when you sit down to write, the rules may not be the same as the last time you did it.

And if you’re still working on getting through your first book, flexibility is still important. Consider all feedback seriously before discarding it. You need critique partners, but you don’t need to listen to them all the time. However, don’t discount them out of hand without serious consideration first.

Which character in Song Of Blood & Stone do you most relate to? How do you select names of your characters?

I think Jasminda represents various aspects of myself both as I am and as I’d like to be. She’s definitely bolder than I am, but her struggle to feel a part of things is one that I understand.

As for naming my characters, for each nation, I asked questions about how the names should generally work. Things like: which prefixes and suffixes are common? Which letters and sounds are prevalent? Which letters or sounds either don’t exist or are more rare? So the Elsirans have a lot of double vowels in their names. Qs, Vs, and Zs are prominent, but there are no hard Cs.

Lagrimari names generally don’t use Js. I set up which suffixes were for men and women and the types of sounds the names would have. There are only 9 last names in Lagrimar, corresponding with the Houses. Jasminda as a name is an exception. Her parents didn’t follow the naming conventions of either country for her or her brothers. Because their interracial relationship was unique, they wanted their children’s names to be distinctive as well.

A lot of books feature devastating endings, but your story gives readers a happy ending and shows the power of love. Why do you find this so important to portray in your book?

I started reading romance pretty voraciously as an adult, and one thing I love about the genre is the happy endings. Good stories make you feel something. I don’t want people feeling terrible at the end of my books. Life can be depressing enough, so when I read, I want to finish a little more “up” than where I started. That’s what I put in my writing. There might be a difficult journey, but at the end of the day, leaving people feeling good is important to me.

What do you most hope that readers will take away from Song Of Blood & Stone?

I really just hope readers enjoy the story and the characters. Jasminda is a heroine that I had been longing to see, so I hope people get as much joy and heartache from her story as I did when I wrote it.

Can you tell us more about the next books in the series? What are you working on now?

Book 2, Whispers Of Shadow & Flame, follows a parallel timeline to Song. It’s about Darvyn, a character we hear about in Song who was the Earthsinger responsible for disguising Jack. The disguise’s failure gets Jack captured and he wonders what happened to Darvyn. So in Whispers, we find out. But it also pushes the story forward, showing what’s going on in Lagrimar in the days before the [climax of Song], and setting up the next challenge that Jack, Jasminda, and Darvyn will face.

Book 3, Cry OF METAL & BONE picks up the story of how Elsira and Lagrimar deal with the [final events of Song] and the new threat facing the nations.

I’m also working on a brand-new series with dragons.

What are your favorite books you would recommend to readers?

Among my favorites of all time are Wild Seed by Octavia Butler, The Sea of Tranquility by Katja Millay, Finnikin of the Rock by Melina Marchetta, Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover, Daughter of Smoke & Bone by Laini Taylor and Sheltered by Charlotte Stein. I could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there.

Thanks to L.Penelope for this fun Q&A! Song of Blood & Stone is out on May 1st!

---------------------------------- ABOUT THE AUTHOR ------------------------------

Leslye Penelope has been writing since she could hold a pen and loves getting lost in the worlds in her head. She is an award-winning author of new adult, fantasy, and paranormal romance. She lives in Maryland with her husband and their furry dependents: an eighty-pound lap dog and an aspiring feral cat.

---------------------------------------------- EXCERPT ------------------------------------------

Jack had found himself in a great many hopeless situations in his life, but this one was the grand champion—a twenty­two­year rec­ ord for dire occurrences. He only hoped this wouldn’t be the last occurrence and sent up yet another prayer that he might live to see his twenty­third year.

The temperature had dropped precipitously. His spine was as­ saulted by the rocky ground on which he lay, but really that was the least of his discomforts.

His vision had begun to swim about an hour ago, and so at first he thought the girl looming above him was a mirage. She peered down at his hiding spot behind a cluster of coarse shrubbery, her head cocked at an angle. Jack went to stand, years of breeding kick­ ing in, his muscle memory offended at the idea of not standing in the presence of a lady, but apparently his muscles had forgotten the bullet currently lodged within them. And the girl was Lagrimari— not strictly a lady, but a woman nonetheless—and a beautiful one, he noticed as he squinted into the dying light. Wild, midnight curls floated carelessly around her head, and piercing dark eyes regarded him. Her dress was drab and tattered, but her smooth skin was a confectioner’s delight. His stomach growled. When was the last time he’d eaten?

Her presence meant he was still on the Lagrimari side of the mountain range bordering the two lands and had yet to cross the other, more powerful barrier keeping him from his home of Elsira: the Mantle.

The girl frowned down at him, taking in his bedraggled appear­ ance. From his position lying on the ground, he tried his best to smooth his ripped uniform, the green fatigues of the Lagrimari army. Her confusion was apparent. Jack was obviously Elsiran; aside from his skin tone, the ginger hair and golden honey­colored eyes were a dead giveaway. And yet he wore the uniform of his enemy.

“Please don’t be scared,” he said in Lagrimari. Her brows rose toward her hairline as she scanned his supine and bloodied body. Well, that was rather a ridiculous thing to say. “I only meant that I mean you no harm. I . . .” He struggled with how to explain him­ self.

There were two possibilities. She could be a nationalist who would turn him in to the squad of soldiers currently combing the mountain for him, perhaps to gain favor with the government, or she could be like so many Lagrimari citizens, beaten down by the war with no real loyalty to their dictator or his thugs. If she was the former, he was already dead, so he took a chance with the truth.

“You see, I was undercover, spying from within the Lagrimari army. But now there are men looking for me, they’re not far, but . . .” He paused to take a breath; the efort of speaking was draining. He suspected he had several cracked or broken ribs in addition to the gunshot wound. His vision swirled again, and the girl turned into two. Two beautiful girls. If these were his last moments before traveling to the World After, then at least he had something pleas­ ant to look at.

He blinked rapidly and took another strained breath. His mis­ sion was not complete; he could not die yet. “Can you help me? Please. I’ve got to get back to Elsira.”

She stole an anxious glance skyward before kneeling next to him. Her cool hand moved to his forehead. The simple touch was soothing, and a wave of tension rolled of him.

“You must be delirious.” Her voice was rich, deeper than he’d expected. It eased the harsh consonants of the Lagrimari language, for the first time making it sound like something he could imagine being pleasant to listen to. She worked at the remaining buttons of his shirt, pulling the fabric apart to reveal his ruined chest. Her expression was appraising as she viewed the damage, then sat back on her haunches, pensive.

“It probably looks worse than it is,” he said. “I doubt that.”

Jack’s chuckle sounded deranged to his own ears, so it was no surprise that the girl looked at him askance. He winced—laughing was a bad idea at this point—and struggled for breath again. “The soldiers . . . they’re after me. I have to get back through the Mantle.”

“Shh,” she said, peering closely at him. “Hush all that foolish­ ness; you’re not in your right mind. Though I’ll admit, you speak Lagrimari surprisingly well. I’m not sure what happened to you, but you should save your strength.”

She closed her eyes, and suddenly his whole body grew warmer, lighter. The odd sensation of Earthsong pulsated through him. He had only experienced it once before, and it hadn’t been quite like this. The touch of her magic stroked him intimately, like a brush of fingers across his skin. The soft vibration cascaded over his entire body, leaving him feeling weightless.

He gasped, pulling in a breath, and it was very nearly an easy thing to accomplish. Tears pricked his eyes. “Sovereign bless you.”

Her expression was grave as she dug around in her bag. “It’s just a patch. You must have ticked someone of real good. It’d take quite a while to fix you up properly, and the storm’s coming. You need to find shelter.”

She retrieved a jar filled with a sweet­smelling substance and began spreading it over his wounds. The Earthsong had turned down the volume of his pain, and the cream soothed him even more.

“What is that?”

“Just a balm. Helps with burns, cuts.” Her hand paused for a moment. “Never gunshot wounds, but it’s worth a try.”

He laid his head back on the ground, closing his eyes to savor the ability to breathe deeply again. “A quick rest and I’ll be back on my way. Need to keep moving, though. Need to get back.”

“Back through the Mantle?” Her tone vibrated with skepticism. “And away from the Lagrimari soldiers chasing you?”

“Yes.” Her palm met his forehead again. She thought he was delusional. He wished he was. Wished the last few weeks had been nothing but the imaginings of an impaired mind.

[lessonsinkindness-blog]

there is no you, there is only me

Recently I made the somewhat life changing decision to quit not only my job, but working in London whatsoever. Now that I’m the other side of quite frankly, a particularly stressful few years, and have the privilege of being able to write this blog from my cosy home, with a cup of tea on the coffee table, daytime TV in the background, and no deadlines buzzing in my head, with only empty days ahead of me for at least the next week, it would be really easy to berate myself for not having made this seemingly common-sense decision earlier. After all, haven’t I been systematically stressed and burned out these past few years? Hasn’t my partner told me day after day I needed to “get out”? Haven’t I been mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much every morning and evening for the past 6 years I’ve been working in London?

But of course, as with many of these things, when you’re “in” it, it never really is that simple, is it? It’s funny because a lot of people have told me they admire me for my decision, that they’ve wanted to quit the “rat race” too, but haven’t had the courage to do so. Yet when I look around me at all the self-help manuals sitting on book shop shelves, and the Insta-inspo quotes posted online daily, you would be forgiven for thinking this stuff is easy – that all you need to do is “chase your dream”, “snap out of it”, “be a go-getter”. But the truth of it, as my friends quite humanly identify of course, is that we don’t live in utopian vacuums. Very few of us have the luxury of no family responsibilities, or bills to pay, or an endless supply of confidence that assures us unreservedly that we will find something else. It’s not even about finding something else. “Something else” isn’t good enough…it has to be “something better” or to put it rather pessimistically, the whole miserable cycle starts again doesn’t it?

There’s also very real internal – and actually, external pressure too. I am very lucky to benefit from a circle of friends and family who are non-judgemental, who “get” this stuff, and understand that life is too short to be defined by the job that you do. But society at large doesn’t usually reinforce that message, does it? One of the first questions you get asked within the first ten minutes of meeting someone else is, “so what do you do then?”. I’d love to sit here and say I take absolutely no notice of what people think of me, and that I walk around in a blissful state of healthy self-esteem 24/7, but even though I consider myself to be a reasonably grounded person who doesn’t judge other people on this stuff, and who doesn’t regularly get too bogged down with what other people think of my choices, there’s always going to be that slightly icky, socially awkward moment when someone asks, “so what are you moving onto?” and your answer is “well…nothing actually”. Which is the position I was in until just a few days ago when I finally had some clarity about my plans. Of course, I did have a plan – even when I don’t think I have “a plan”, I always have a plan! (I’m just that kind of person!) – But the plan that I had in my mind was one that I was aware contradicted many people’s views of conformity. Typically, you leave a role because you have another lined up, and if you don’t, for whatever reasons, you are aware that future employers will speculate on why that might be. When your reasons for leaving are related to quite personal or family factors, it can feel awkward to know how to “explain yourself” as firstly, you may not want everybody knowing your reasons, and secondly, you may be aware that prioritising family over work, despite what people will have you believe, puts you a bit left of centre in comparison to what’s expected of you, particularly in your 20s. And if you happen to be an academic person, inevitably there will be pre-conceptions about what is a “waste” of “your potential”.

On the whole, I do have to say I’ve been very lucky that I’ve faced little more than a few bemused looks, and none of those have come from people I’m close with. Some have come from people I know who are incredibly career driven and who I think have their identity so wrapped up in their career that it’s just difficult for them to envision a different choice (which I can understand in a way), and some have just been curious I guess.

But whichever way I look at it, and whoever is personally in my life, it still felt a huge decision to me, and not one I took lightly, or felt easy to take.

I guess ultimately, it came down to me really thinking and reflecting over the person I want to be, and returning to what’s important to me about my identity.

It sounds a strange thing to see written down in black and white, but over the last few years, it’s felt more and more like I’ve been drifting away from who I really am and who I really want to be. I think about all the things that give me that warm, fuzzy feeling inside – family, connection, creativity, calm, meaning – and it’s just felt that that’s been all but evaporating around me, as there just hasn’t been any space. As I was walking along the country roads of Suffolk on a day trip on my first day of “freedom”, I was trying to remember the last time I could remember not feeling stressed about work, and I just couldn’t even identify a time. I tried to go further back than this past year which has been particularly tough, and think perhaps to my first few jobs, but no – I just always remember having this gut twisting knot of anxiety in pretty much any job I’ve been in.

To be honest, I think in many ways, that says a lot about who I am. I am someone prone to anxiety, I am a definite worrier, and a deep thinker, and as such I ruminate things a great deal more than the average person would. This has improved as I’ve got older, because despite having these feelings, I’m much more able to be assertive and self-aware in recognising where the feeling is coming from, and what it’s really “about”, so to a certain extent, you could say I’ve got pretty analytical about the whole thing – which helps. But it never has completely gone away. I’ve always had “imposter syndrome” in every job I’ve been- in – the feeling that I’m failing, that people are seconds away at any time from realising I’m terrible at my job and that I’m only ever a few steps away from being hauled into the manager’s office for something I didn’t do, or forgot, or a deadline I didn’t meet. Except for this never happened. Not because I’m some kind of superhuman high performer, but because that sense of anxiety has driven me forward to go way over and above what was expected, or needed, in jobs, to avoid that irrational fear of being humiliated for being incapable. And that feeds the vicious cycle, because once you become that person that’s giving 150%, when you do need to take your foot off the gas, you can’t – because you’ve built up a precedent in what other people expect of you, and it becomes like this Ferris wheel you can’t jump off of. And because that Ferris wheel is spinning so fast, all the colours blur, and the music becomes overwhelming, and lights are so bright, that you just can’t hear yourself think, and you feel so sick with it all, that there’s no way you could step off even if you really tried. You’re just consumed by it.

Anybody reading this would think by what I’m describing that I was some big shot CEO of a FTSE100 company or something. And that’s interesting isn’t it? We tend to think that these things only affect people in “high pressure” jobs, and that those of us broadly within the mundane 9-5 bracket should be able to cope. But I’ve been convinced by my experiences that no one is immune - this can, and does, happen to anyone, in any position in any company, given the right set of circumstances.

And just like any number of people out there right now who are dragging themselves out of bed in the morning, getting up at stupid o’clock to get into work, and coming home too exhausted to play with their kids, or have a meaningful conversation with their partner, or do even the smallest little thing for themselves, I just got to a point where I just couldn’t see a life outside of it. I convinced myself this was just what work was – feeling at best a sense of pride and achievement, but never without the background noise of constant pressure, stress, and our “more more more” culture where everyone has to bleed themselves dry every day just to survive. I just didn’t really think there was another option.

So going back to my original point, I think there are many and varied reasons why “quitting the rat race” is not as simple as it all sounds on paper. We can all pick up a book that tells us we’re wasting our lives worrying about work, and that before we know it, our life will have passed us by, our kids will be grown up, and we’ll have nothing to show for it. But I’m not sure any of us really believe that’s going to happen to us. It sounds crazy but I think a lot of us (me included) forget (or avoid) that very poignant, sombre fact that one day one thing is guaranteed for all of us – we will die. There will be no more us. We will cease to be. And having “but she worked so hard on that project” on my grave stone just isn’t what I want people to remember about me, as cliché as I know that sounds.

The decision was really difficult for me. I will admit that particularly in these past few years where I’ve watched friends get married and settle down with children, buy bigger houses, go travelling, or start new business ventures; things that didn’t feel like they were going to happen for me, work was really one of my main outlets. There’s a bizarre, slightly martyr like comfort in knowing you’re needed somewhere, even if that somewhere is an office in a generic part of London in a sea of companies, in an ocean of commuters. You derive some sense of self-pride and importance in it, as it’s what you have to define yourself. Particularly, I found, as you go through your twenties, it is a particularly socially acceptable way to identify yourself. You pick a box, one of which may be “hard worker” – and you set yourself up there. It’s only later down the line, it stops feeling like a choice, and more like a trap, that you forget there is a “way out” door to – all you have to do is turn the handle and step out – so why does it feel so hard?

Well, it feels hard because…it is. Like anything in life, if you’ve lived in a certain context for long enough, not only does it weave itself into your sense of core identity, the stitches make it harder for you to pull away. If you wanted to, you could grab a huge pair of scissors and slice through them, but that feels too dramatic. And too hard. And too tiring.

So I guess what it really came down to were some revelations – which by the way, didn’t come around overnight. I realised, over coffee with a very good friend who I credit for helping to spark this whole change off, that I did actually have a choice. The reason why this genuinely felt like such a lightbulb moment was that I had never even considered the possibility of leaving a job without another to go to – because that’s not the done thing, right? I started to realise that actually, my skills are my skills. They aren’t attached to a particular job, they’re attached to me – so they’re portable. And that means that there was something out there I could bring them to, but something which doesn’t have to feel like it’s taking over my lifestyle, and perhaps, who knows, I could do some of this on my own terms.

It also worried me the more I started to realise how everything in my life that was a “should do” got prioritised. So I’d ignore absolute exhaustion to get up at 5am to be in for 8am, to travel almost the entire opposite direction through London an hour early than my shift started, so that I could finish that urgent project that needed to be worked on, or answer that email that had been worrying me since last night. So I’d grab something shitty for breakfast on my way onto a crowded train, eyes half closing with every bite, sandwiched between people, endless people. So I’d find myself putting my headphones on not to listen to music, but just to reach some semblance of “silence” – some escape from the constant noise around me all day, every day. So I found myself ignoring quickened heartbeats and shallow breath as I clambered through underground tunnels to cram myself on a carriage. So I’d set endless reminders on my phone of all the of the “work to dos” and the “home to dos” and end up swiping all of them out of sheer apathy.

And what about the “want tos”? They’d just get slowly pushed down the list. So I’d schedule in seeing friends like appointments after work, endless rotations of rushed coffees and hurried dinners, rather than the lazy, open ended sleepovers I missed. So I’d look at my craft room and just sigh and turn off the light, another evening of not working on anything, too tired from the commute home. So I’d start researching holidays online and then just give up halfway through, realising there was no time to take annual leave that month, too much to do, too much to worry about.

Of course, these were my choices. But somewhere along the way, they stop feeling like choices. Somehow it just felt too tiring to try to get out – and the question was what would I do instead? I had to earn money and I had to work. But I didn’t want to feel like this any more.

So I flipped the question from a “should” to a “want” – what did I want to do if the “shoulds” weren’t an issue? Well, I knew that ultimately, my career is important to me, but that I wanted it to be just one piece of the puzzle rather than the whole picture. I knew I wanted flexibility, and time to be “me” again, and rediscover who I am without the individualism of the corporate world, and the commuting hell, and the ego wars, and the meaningless urgency to everything, and the personality clashes, and the email mountains, and the constant ladder climbing. I just wanted to be paid for something I enjoy that would pay the bills but allow me to be who I really am, and to re-prioritise around my life. A pretty tall order in today’s world.

I’d love to say I’ve packed it all in and am planning to open a craft shop (my dream) – but sadly, bills have to be paid and life does have to go on. But my next role I took time to choose carefully, and I am determined now to only walk a path that works for me, my partner, and our little family. It’s been too long conforming, too long bending myself into a mold of who I thought I had to be, and too long pretending I can do it all. I can’t. And most importantly, I don’t want to.