#and frankly I'm real impressed at so many of you BUT I do advise applicants look thru our stealth tag and binarism tag bc like

[scriptlgbt]

Delightfully, we are at an ever-increasing follower rate and there are plenty of new people checking out this blog daily. That’s rad, and I love you all and am glad you’re all here!

Right now we are overwhelmed with unanswered asks (well over 100) and our inbox (ask/submissions) are closed to sensitivity-based questions. Our private messaging is open for more logistical things, like contacting mod applicants and so on. If you’d like to send us a question, unfortunately it’s going to have to wait until our inbox opens again for questions.

Until then, please remember that we’ve answered a lot of questions and our archive and tag page is a great resource for the things we have answered on before.

Thank you for your patience!

- mod nat

[rpbetter]

Is it okay to vent? I've been modding an rp group with friends and recently, I really haven't felt like things have been fair? Everything feels like it's swinging in favor towards a particular character of a person made recently mod and I hate it. It's also like there are several people very quiet in the group now and I've made like observations that might be concerning and brought it up, but no one seems to listen to me? I'm honestly just wishing I could care less right now bc while the original mod group was a group of friends, I'm struggling with feeling apart of it now and torn between going radio silence or forcing myself to expend effort more in hopes I'll actually feel like I have friends again.

Any time, Anon!

That is definitely an uncool situation right there, I'm sorry that's happening. If it makes you feel any better, I'm very sure that a lot of others understand too well what you're going through. I know I do! I wish I knew what the solid answer was to the entire, far too prevalent issue with RP groups failing for such reasons is, as well as this too frequently happening in any group of mods of anything, but I don't think there is just one answer that can be applied.

More specifically, though...to be painfully honest with you? The only thing here you can control is yourself. I know the suggestion should be a redundant and assumptive "have you tried talking to them more directly, you probably weren't direct enough" but lol you literally said you have brought this up and I don't feel like any number of times rehashing the way in which you've done so is going to make them listen. I'm not advising you to not try that, but I am advising you to not expect different results - only do that if it's going to help you move on. (Like, feeling a sense of well, I tried my best and they are not in a place to care, so, I'm done.)

I sincerely wish there was a way to just not feel things, not care about things, especially when you logically know it probably shouldn't dig at you as badly as it is! If anyone out there finds a secret to this, we're all dying to know, please share! But what you can do is slowly detach from the situation, and I think this might be best.

I know it was a friend group, I know how badly this hurts and how unfair it is...how it sort of changes the landscape of your RP time, too. I think, even if we do not consciously realize it, it's a goal most of us have to establish a good friend group we RP with, just like we establish friend groups in games. We feel so much more comfortable with this group of people we can enjoy all aspects of RP with, because let's face it, it can be a kind of odd thing to discuss with other people if they do not RP, even in a fandom. We also tend to develop our muses and our writing with our friends, naturally. So, achieving that only to lose it is tough, and it's tough no matter how many times it happens to you.

However, I really meant it when I said I don't think they're in a place to listen. Obviously, I'm not there in your RP group, I'm not seeing what is going on, I'm not hanging out with your friends (I mean? Probably? lol the RPC can be vast yet so tiny), but going off of what you've said and what I've experienced, that's really what I feel here. People have a simple tendency, in all group situations, to not be ready to see something as a problem until it's well past being easily addressed. Trying to force it into their field of vision is likely to make them angry and to see them more obstinately ignoring it.

Some reasons for that are not wanting to argue/fear of ruining things, genuinely being oblivious to the issue, enjoying the factors that are an issue for others, and favoritism. These are not things you can change. All you can do, as far as trying to address it again, is to figure out which of these/which combination is going on with the person in the group most likely to listen to you so that you can better talk to them. Whether you agree with them or not, understanding where someone is coming from is helpful to speaking with them. You can better phrase things so they're not triggering negative emotions.

For example, let's say you feel like it's a combination of this hypothetical one friend enjoying what is making others upset (let us say that this new member writes something with their muse they enjoy) and that it's become favoritism because of this and/or other factors (they're the one who brought them into the group, they were already a friend). Okay, so, now you have an idea of what you can say that won't prod at any feelings of accusation, jealousy, or even their own guilt.

Instead of: "Listen, I know x is your favorite person and you will always choose them over everyone else, but this is a real problem and I need you to hear me about it."

Try: "Hey, I'm needing to talk to you because I feel like this is such a serious issue. I've tried to discuss it with the entire group, but I've not been listened to and I know the group RP is as important to you as it is to me. I really enjoy x as well, they do y great and they're so z, but the way that the focus of the group has swung entirely to their character is a big problem for many in the group. If you've noticed, the activity of several others has dropped off. People feel they're not being listened to and that their characters and bits in the storyline aren't of equal importance anymore. What do you think we can do about this?"

Right out of the gate, you're expressing that you know they like this other person, but you don't dislike them or anything, you dislike what has happened in the situation. You've also given them the (correct) impression that this is endangering the RP, and that they are someone you feel is both interested and reasonable enough to want to fix the problem.

Again, do not expect that it's going to change anything, but if it'd make you feel better to try one more time, do it.

The problem so often with being a mod, even among a friend group who are also mods, is that moderators are very often set up only to act in the event of such extreme drama that the others won't want to deal with it. As a mod, you feel (again, correctly) that it's your job to...you know, moderate. That doesn't just mean disputes, it also means pre-dispute situations like this, among other things. However, the actual top moderator complaint is always that they're not listened to unless it's a problem that has kind of imploded the group. The kind of problem the rest of the group doesn't want to resolve for fear of seeming to play favorites or, frankly, fear of looking like a bitch. This is absolutely something that will put devastating cracks into the RP group, but since it isn't crumbling it rapidly yet...they'd probably rather that you just ignore it. Then, are rather likely to either drop the RP or want you to resolve it magically because you're the one who brought it up way back when it fixable.

So, we're back to "it's not a problem you can fix or control despite your position" yes.

And we can go back to what you can do to mitigate your own upset somewhat, also, yes. :D

There's this whole thing about ripping off the bandaid that just isn't applicable to all situations. (It isn't even applicable to all literal injury situations, damn.) This is one of them for a lot of people. Slowly distancing yourself so you can start putting energy into things that will return your investment of time, creativity, friendship might be better for you than just abruptly going radio silent, or even more drastically, leaving.

Don't engage with the group RP as often or in as timely a manner, be less of a presence there. It's difficult at first, but see, when you feel the drive to be there, you then use it for something else. If you have other RPs outside of this, reply to one of them instead. If you don't, start seeking out new partners/RPs instead. You have other RPs but they all owe you right now? Not a problem, do some character development. Whatever keeps you from spending as much time there.

As you do this, it's much easier to not be there. Just drop in to do what you have to. It becomes difficult, eventually, to be bothered to do so, I promise. A lot of other things you did not like that you were tolerating because these are your friends and this is something you enjoy, they'll become obnoxiously obvious. You know what else either will or won't? Them missing you being there.

If they do miss your presence and friendship, that's great! That's the best outcome. It might put into sharper perspective how bad the issue was, they might be more willing to address the problem now, make it a dedicated effort to not show that kind of attention to just one member's character/one member.

If they do not, then that does very much hurt. This is, unfortunately, how many friendships in the RPC decline. Not heated arguments, but rather, quiet inattention and replacement. If this happens, I'm so sorry, Anon. I can say all day long the total truth of the matter, that it wasn't the best group for friendship longevity and you can at least take the memories and lessons with you, but it won't stop it from stinging. However, because you have started to make other things your priority, it does lessen the upset.

Either way, this is a really frustrating situation! I think you've kind of answered what you need to do just in the phrasing here, "I'm struggling with feeling apart of it now and torn between going radio silence or forcing myself to expend effort more in hopes I'll actually feel like I have friends again." When we start feeling like have to force ourselves to expend more effort out of desperation to feel friendship like we once did, that's not a situation we should stay in. Sometimes, we just need to vent about it and see it pointed out to us to realize it, you know? Because it is hard to lose our friends and comfort zones, even when they've soured.

Maybe trial run slow distancing, just responding to the people who also feel like they're being left out, perhaps? Until the situation improves or you feel like you can move on easier. Nothing about this is going to be painless, but you can at least insulate yourself a bit while leaving the ball visibly in their court - I expressed this was a problem, it was ignored and is an ongoing problem, so, I'm not as invested anymore and it is up to you now to stay on that track or demonstrate some changes.

I hope that whatever happens, it's good for you! Even if it feels awful for a while, I hope it's eventually great. Maybe it's the thing you need to find an even better group, you never know until happens! I also hope that my delay in response didn't make things worse for you, please know I've felt really guilty about it despite not being able to get online :| I know just being seen at the moment you're feeling so frustrated and down helps so much!