#and i emailed him abt it but he didn’t answer bc he’s annoying and i’m just nervous i’ll get to class and he’ll be like

[ilostyou]

anyway i have class now with the less than great professor and i’m ANXIOUS

[userastarion]

alright so after crying about my anxiety on my own enough times and realizing venting in a notes app about my emotions is not cutting it i’m going to write about it here because what is blogging if not oversharing on the internet persevering

i haven’t outlined the situation in its entirety in writing yet bc i have only spoken to myself abt it and i obviously know what’s going on so! here we go!

in case you missed it, my (first and only) relationship started a handful of months ago with a navy submariner. (i didn’t know he was navy when we started talking but w/e that’s not the point.) we had 2 weeks after we first met before he was out to sea for a month, accessible by email. then we had 3 weeks in person again before he was deployed for 6 months (we’re into month 4 of said deployment now).

the first time they hit port, he contacted me as much as he could, and i could tell. i appreciated that and told him so. i kept getting these rushes of affection for him -- enough for me to be like, “fuck, am i in love with this man?” -- and a night or two before they went out to sea again we exchanged kind of sappy messages wherein he told me he loves talking to me and wishes he could talk to me more while in port but his international cell service is shit so it’s hard. but he told me he missed me a lot and said he wouldn’t rather be anywhere but back with me.

now, during the first two months of deployment, email communication was sporadic at best but at the very least available. when they left port after the first visit, they went dark -- so for 6.5 weeks, i heard absolutely nothing from or about him. i managed to cope with this in an okay way. it was rough at first but then when global politics did their thing i started kind of assuming i wasn’t going to hear from him again until they got back, and once i accepted that, i was fine.

so then last week i get a text on monday that he’s in port again, which i did not expect, and what a nice surprise that was! we texted throughout the day and i was really grateful to know he was safe and doing ok.

however! he was frustrated with his phone being reset and having to fix everything, and to my anxious ass brain, that colored the rest of our conversation. to outside eyes i honestly doubt it would have but to me i was like well he’s annoyed now and something feels different about how we’re talking. (could i point out those differences to you? absolutely not. they probably don’t exist. but ~anxiety~.) plus, this time, we hadn’t been communicating for the entire time in between, so there’s part of me at this point starting to wonder if that had altered how we talked to each other.

no contact tuesday. that should have been fine, but i have no idea how long he’s in port for, and after so long without hearing from him i was DESPERATE to hear his voice. so i started to get kind of antsy. last time they were in port i got antsy when i didn’t hear from him too. it sucks because i have literally NO idea what’s going on over there. i have no clue how much he’s having to work, how much his service is actually working, if his phone is charged, if he has other plans with his friends, nothing. and as an anxious person, this uncertainty sometimes destroys me. but we’ll get to that.

he finally called for the first time on wednesday after not answering my last text (which, ok, he does that sometimes -- just leaves a text when he plans to call) and then of course it was as i was leaving the doctor’s office, so i ask if i can call him back, but 8 mins later he wasn’t answering me again. such is life with a navy sailor in port. i know his work schedule can get whack and things change quickly so i tried not to hold it against him or anything but you can imagine my disappointment as i continue my day bitter af that i only got to hear his voice for 7 seconds after almost 2 months without it. fortunately, he did call me that night, but he had plans to go out with his friends... and though he said “i’ll call you later,” which he used to almost always follow through on, he didn’t. i also felt like our conversation wasn’t spectacular, but y’all, trying to talk and catch up with someone who cannot tell you what they’ve been up to for the time you haven’t spoken is a real feat. especially when he’s surrounded by people all the time and will respond to them when they speak to him. (which does drive me a little bit insane ngl. but i digress. the guy’s been on a submarine for 4 months.)

thursday rolled around and we texted a bit. eventually he stopped responding so i was like alright whatever he must have gotten busy or had something to do. i had plans that day so it worked out fine, except as i was lingering outside where i was hanging out with folks he called. so i had to plan to call him back, and i did, and we talked for literally 10 minutes before he had to go for what i thought was briefly (to switch his laundry, lmao) but took over an hour for him to get back to me. and that’s fine!! i mean, yeah, i felt a little like i was left hanging, but he did call me back, and then we talked for almost an hour at least. i got him talking more and things felt better. he had plans with his friends, and he had to shop, so we said our goodbyes, but again he ended it with “i’ll call you later,” and didn’t. that night i decided that “later” probably means “tomorrow.”

except!!!! that was the last time i heard from him. at all. i figured he had a duty day (which is like a 24+ hr workday) bc that’s why he couldn’t reach out on tuesday, so i let friday go, but now i haven’t heard from him in days and like i said before, there is literally no way for me to know what’s going on. for all i fucking know, they left port already. last time, he called me the day they were leaving and told me he’d try to text me if they were for sure leaving and then couldn’t, so it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility, although i have a pretty strong faith in him to not just ghost me. especially when he’s deployed. but the navy is the navy, and sometimes things change quickly.

but i have anxiety. especially in relation to my romantic prospects. and especially when there is any kind of uncertainty. uncertainty makes me extremely anxious, and with so much uncertainty in all of this, i have been having a Time.

i have this fear that has nestled its way into my heart and my mind and i don’t know how to make it go away. i am absolutely terrified that something has shifted in our relationship. i have been really worried he could lose interest over time, that his feelings would fade as deployment went on, because at this point he has been gone longer than we knew each other before he left, much less even had time to see and/or speak to each other. i felt good about things two months ago but now i am scared. 

i have been steadily spiraling and catastrophizing as i go longer and longer without hearing from him bc last time in port the longest i went with no word was about a day. he ALWAYS tried to reach out. if his service was shit, he used discord over wifi. this time i have had absolute radio silence for 3 days now and i’m freaking out about it. (now let me be clear: this is a port-specific situation. he’s really far away and with so much unpredictability around his situation, i am on edge constantly. just not usually about his feelings.)

i have tried to reassure myself about not hearing from him or the possibility of him only reaching out due to a feeling of obligation rather than actually enjoying talking to me by reminding myself i have no clue what is keeping him from contacting me. maybe work is ramping up because they need to go back out to sea soon. maybe his phone service is down. maybe since they have more free time around this port stop, he has simply been utilizing that free time as much as he can before having to go live in a metal tube underwater for months again. or maybe he just doesn’t want to! there is literally no way for me to know!

but now that knowledge has warped from kind of a comfort to something that literally kept me awake last night. what if he doesn’t care anymore? what if he’s ignoring me on purpose? i’ve sent one text per day and they’ve all gone unanswered and i don’t know why. (tonight’s i sent about an hour ago so i guess technically there’s still time for that one bc we’re on a Wild time difference but whatever.) i decided if my third one gets no response, then it’s time for me to take a hint. whether that hint is intentional or not. i don’t want to feel like i am coming across as desperate as i feel if it turns out he’s blowing me off. my messages haven’t necessarily warranted a response, but when someone asks you to wait for them over a 6 fucking month deployment and it’s your first relationship, you would hope they wouldn’t just ghost you. especially not while overseas.

i am not like this normally. when he’s around i don’t feel the need to constantly hover. but the uncertainty, like i keep saying, of having him so far away and no access to any news regarding what or how he’s doing or where he’s at or even his emotional state, is driving. me. insane.

the other thing i keep going back to is... yeah, this time feels different. we’re farther along in deployment. i think, based on what my sailor has said, a lot of the guys are feeling different now too. and based on research i’ve done, chances are the relationship will change when he gets back from deployment too, because we’ve been away from each other for so long. 

but!!! aside from lack of communication, i have no evidence anything has changed. he has still called me when he found the time to and texted back at least a few times. 

i have no idea why he isn’t talking to me. i don’t know if it’s on purpose or not. and this has left an anxious pit in my stomach that has lived there for over 24 hours now. i have cried more in the last 36 hours than i have in like the last month. my anxiety kept me awake last night. that hasn’t happened in years! normally i struggle to fall asleep when he’s in port because i’m unintentionally keeping myself awake in case he calls or texts, but i have my sound on -- i don’t miss any calls or messages, even if i am sleeping.

i’m just a mess about this whole thing because i don’t know anything. his last night before deployment, we got into an argument, and one of the things he said was, “it sounds like you need someone who’s here more often.” and i fought back, said i could handle it, that that wasn’t an issue i had with things. but now i’m kind of afraid he could be right.

granted, this is such a specific situation. it’s not exactly usual to have your not-quite-boyfriend in the fucking ocean for 6 months, inaccessible to contact for 4 of those months.

i just don’t know how to handle this situation or the emotions it’s bringing with it. i have fought so hard to cope with deployment because this is my first romantic relationship and i damn well want it to work out. but i can only work with it if there is something there to work with. when i am left unanswered with no idea why, i start to spiral, and i have hit the point where i’m absolutely out of control. i was crying at work on friday. i had to bail on breakfast with my friends this morning bc i got no sleep last night and felt like awful, anxious shit.

i really like him. i am starting to need confirmation he still really likes me.

i told my mom about some of this and she said, gently and piercing, “you always knew this was a possibility, though, right? with him being gone for so long?” yeah, mom, of course i had worried about our feelings changing, but since he had straight-up told me “do you think i’m just going to leave and then come back and dump you? i would hope i’d have made it clear that wasn’t the plan,” at least before he left.

chances are it’s innocuous. chances are, he has been working really hard, and probably taking advantage of his literal time in the sun before they won’t see it for months again, and i have nothing to worry about. but i am worrying, and it fucking sucks. i’m so tired of feeling like shit about this. the ONLY THING i have that’s concrete and giving me something to worry about, or so my brain thinks, is not hearing from him for a few days.

i have been trying to figure out what i’m going to do if it turns out he did ghost me. i don’t know. i told myself earlier today i’d probably just cry for a few days and move on. but i won’t know for sure until more time passes and i do or do not receive any kind of message.

my mom told me i should just reach out and ask him if he could keep me posted on when they’re leaving, but i felt weird doing that. especially after 2 unanswered messages. i felt like it would come across as guilting him for not talking to me, and if he has been unable to communicate because of forces out of control, i didn’t want to even come close to that kind of connotation. so i settled on a reminder to drink water and added in a little “got these reminders in while i can” to sort of remind him i know we’re on a time limit. maybe that was worse. maybe that could be guilting him too. i don’t know.

that’s the thing of it, huh? i don’t know. i don’t know what the fuck is going on and it is making me want to scream until i have no voice left in me and no energy left to try. my anxiety makes me so laser-focused and i feel so terrible about the whole thing and i’m angry that i’m so upset but that doesn’t negate how upset i feel and it’s just a huge mess. 

if i could just hear from him. so much of this would go away. but all i can do is wait. and it is so FUCKING DIFFICULT.

[catilinas]

may i enquire as to what the 'j dog drama' from your english gcse class was this sounds fascinating

i’m answering publicly bcs i want to keep the List 

ok so j-dog (shockingly, not his real name), was our english teacher. he was new and he was really fckin weird and after the 2 years of teaching us he Left. (not saying bcs our class was ceaselessly annoying but like……yeah). he’s also on my “i respect you as a person  and you’re good at your job but i irrationally hate you” list 

various j-dog incidents:

spent an hour talking abt how a bird shitting in a tray is a metaphor for the colonisation of nigeria

i mean in this occasion it was but it didn’t need an Hour of explanation

was constantly drinking water from like a 2 litre water bottle?? why?? who does that???

hated this One Guy in our class but at the same time was always giving him advice on protein shakes? and water polo?

“back when i was your age” and then he’d say something that happened like 200 years ago

his birthday was halloween

never told us how old he was

conclusion: a vampire

would often say “i’m not some old fishwife” (meaning unclear). after gcses we bought him an apron w the quote on it and he wore it all day

end of term “party” — brought coca cola and several cakes — “let’s see how hyper you can all get in 45 minutes”

UGLY SHOES they looked like if you flayed rats and deep fried the skins and then sewed them together and put them on your feet and wore them until they literally came apart at the seams

at parents’ evening my Own Mother flirted with him for the banter and then mocked his ugly shoes to his face

we did argumentative writing which was basically just ‘roast anmar frangoul for his piece of shit article’ and it was the most fun i’ve ever had in my life, thanks j-dog

somehow made the innocent gcse english poems sound suggestive

one poem read like:

“My face turned pale as deadly pale.My legs refused to walk away,And when she looked, what could I ail? My life and all seemed turned to clay. And then my blood rushed to my………….face……”

this was apparently accidental

made everything about sin. all of our texts were about sin. the merchant of venice is commentary on the post-lapsarian condition, i.e. sin

first merchant of venice lesson and someone suggests antonio is gay (my purse, my person, my extremest means / lie all unlock’d to your occasion ;) if you know what i mean) and he denies it  

comes back the next lesson Convinced that antonio is gay

comes back each lesson with More merchant of venice characters that are gay until he finally decides they All Are

he also really hated antonio and spent Ages talking about how he was the worst, most awful character, Ever, (like yea antonio is p bad but… not as bad as he made him out to be….chill…)

this one guy in our class found his old facebook profile which had a ridiculous selfie on it, j-dog didn’t know his password and so it’s Still There

the same guy tracked him down to his new school, found his email, and asked him to proofread his A-level coursework

and ieva Successfully got him to read smth else which was unexpected

this girl in the class lowkey had a crush on him and when we were doing the crucible was the Only person to volunteer to read, they ended up reading out john and elizabeth proctor’s heartfelt goodbye together while everyone else in the room died

gave dan a detention for doing maths homework in class. dan objected that we wasn’t doing maths hw, he was ‘just doing maths problems bcs he was bored.’ this was probably the worst thing he could have said. got the detention anyway

gave dan a detention when he fell asleep in class. dan denied ever falling asleep

dan tried to Appease him by baking him cupcakes. j-dog refused the cupcakes and dan Wept

tried to make the class write essays in the last week of term in a cover lesson when he was away….we actually did it and he never gave them back

the next time he tried it we went on Strike and just didn’t do the essay and he gave up

occasionally the class as a whole would be so annoying he would just leave the room

one time he left the room and from the window we saw him walking out of school and Away

my own personal beef:

really early in the year wouldn’t let me and ieva sit next to each other??? we had to use the bsl alphabet to talk for Two Years

because i am the person i am i’d always point out minor errors in powerpoints and stuff until he Banned me from asking any non-important questions

marked me down on a group presentation bcs i “sat down and didn’t speak much” abt half way through like….i fainted…i was literally unconscious….fucker

tried to mark me down on coursework bcs it had too many sets of brackets but it got moderated back up haha can’t beat my full marks in english language, fool, 

so me and two other people ran poetry society for like two years before he joined the school, upon doing which he Immediately was like..im in charge now… and moved it to a day none of us had free…. bye bye poetry society

(and then me and iev won the poetry society poetry competition) (retaliation)

he lost my essay once

OH AND FINALLY the rumour is that he has been fired from his new school. we don’t know why

anyway that’s…..only the stuff i can remember. gcse english was wild. @blue-eyed-buildings might have more? 

[jiilys]

a love letter: my goaty turns seventeen

@deadgwen BABE. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. YOU'RE. SEVENTEEN. MY SESTRA MY BEAUTIFUL MY #1 GOAT AND LIFE PARTNER HAS F I N A LL Y CAUGHT UP TO ME AND I JUST !!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIUFUL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY GOAT. SEVENTEEN. AN ALMOST LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DRINK GOAT. AN ALMOST LEGAL GOAT. CAN'T BELIEVE IT. HOW WE WILL BE BADASS GOATS IF WE CAN NO LONGER DRINK UNDERAGE. THE FUCK ARE WE GUNNA DO. WHO WILL WE BE. HOW WILL BE COOL IF WE CAN'T ILLEGALLY DRINK WE’RE GUNNA HAVE TO GO BACK TO BEING N E R DS OH  N      O

 BUT REAL TALK the birthday post u made me was 985324958320958 words and ofc I could never top u (10,000 WORD EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I LITERALLY DON’T BELIEVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UR A LYING GOAT OK ILL HAVE TO SEE TO BELIEVE) and I'm not as good with words as u are even tho I'm meant to be the writer here u have like  GIFT WITH BEIN A DRAMATIC ASSHOLE and I TRY MY BEST but I can't NEVER TOP U and I DON’T EVEN CARE BC I LOVE U SO DAMN MUCH

 DEADASS. U WERE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN 2014 BC IT WAS THE WORST ASSS YEAR AND THEN!!!!!!!!! I MET YOU!!!!!!!! AND!!!! THE WORLD WAS SUCH A NICE PLACE WHEN WE TALKED AND PUT U IN MY FOLLOW FOREVER AND U DEAD ASS MESSAGED ME SAYING THANK YOU !!!!!!!!

 (AND I've BEEN THINKING GOATY AND ITS STRAIGT UP AND ACT OF GOD THAT WE’RE FRIENDS LIKE THE UNIVERSE WANTED US TOGETHER BECAUSE THINK. OF. OUR. TRACK. RECORD. OF RESPONDING TO SHIT. I AM FAMOUSLY THE WORST RESPONDER OF ALL TIME LEAST WE FORGET LAST MONTH WHEN I ANSWERED 15/1000 ASKS AND THEN CALLED IT A DAY AND U HAVE 583583 ASKS ASKING U HOW U MAKE UR BOMBASS GRAPHICS AND SHIT AND I JUST!!! U MESSAGED ME!!!! THANK FUCKING GOD!!! AND THEN I RESPONDED !!!!! AND WE WERE IN LOVE!!! RIGHT THEN RIGHT THERE WE FELL IN DEADASS LOVE)

 AND I REMEMBER TO THIS DAY BECAUSE WE WERE TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND I WAS LIKE !!!!!!!!!! THIS GIRL IS SO BADASS I LOVE HER SHE'S FUCKIN HILARIOUS AND WITTY AND THE BEST AND YOU SENT ME THIS MESSAGE LIKE ‘*GAME OF THRONES VOICE* WINTER IS COMING*’ AND I KNEW. I KNEW THAT U WERE MY PERSON. I KNEW. I FELT IT. MY GIRL.  MY PERSON FORVER.

 TO THIS FUCKIN DAY I DISTRUST ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LIKE CAPS. U HAVE ACTUALLY AFFECTED MY LITERAL PERSONALITY I USED TO START TALKING TO PEOPLE IN CAPS AND THEY WOULD RESPOND IN LOWER CASE AND I WOULD ?????????? BE LIKE ????????????? THE FUC ???????? WAT ????????????

 I LOVE TYPING IN CAPS WITH YOU I LOVE HOW YOU HATE LOWER CASE AND WHEN I TURNED 16 YOU MADE ME A POWER POINT FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND IT WAS BEAUTIUFL AND I CRIED AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS JUST BEEN THE BEST GOAT AND SPEAKING OF GOAT

 SHAMEFUL CONFESSION TIME: I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE CALL EACH OTHER GOAT. I HAVE COMPELTLY FORGOTTEN THE ORGIN STORY LIKE. WHY. DO. WE DO THIS. ALL I REMEMBER IS #WRITECLUBBAYBAES AND CALLING EACH OTHER A FAKE HOE CONSTANTLY CAUSE WE HAD THAT FIGHT ABT WHO WAS MORE OF A FAKE HOE (OBVSLY I WON U R THE FAKEST HOE) BUT STILL. NO IDEA WHY WE ARE GOATS. I LOVE IT THOUGH. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. HAVE I SAID THAT YET? I LOVE YOU.

 YOU ARE ALSO THE #1 REASON IM ALWAYS SENDING LIKE A ZILLION MESSAGES AT ONCE IT WAS U U DID THIS TO ME OK EVERYONE ELSE JUST SENDS LIKE TWO OR THREE BUT NOT US WE’RE SENDING 25 MESSAGES ALL IN CAPS WITH 100 EXCLAIMATION POINTS AND UN E S ESARY  SP A CES LIKE HOW EXTRA CAN WE GET WE’RE THE BEST

 AND THEN WE TALK MORE ABT MUSIC AND MY BBY HAS !!!!!!! THE BEST MUSIC TASTE !!!!!!!!! OF ALL TIME !!!!!! ‘ EASE’ CLEARED MY SKIN AND FEED MY CHILDREN AND THE RUN AWAY WITH ME REMIX MADE IT RAIN DURING A DROUGHT AND WINTERBREAK IS STILL THE BEST SHIT OF MY LIFE AND THE FACT THAT WE BOTH HAVE AN OBESSION WITH LOVER WHERE DO YOU LIVE IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME

 SERIES OF RANDOM FACTS I KNOW ABT ANDY THAT I CAN'T FORGET AND HAVE NO OTHER USE FOR EXCEPT HERE IN LOVE LETTERS LIKE THIS:

-  SHE ONCE HAD A DREAM WHERE SHE KILLED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN A WAREHOUSE AND THEN DESCRIBED IT TO ME IN GRAPHIC DETAIL FOR A GOOD 45 MINUTES BC SHE WAS SO HORRIFIED

-  THOUGHT MALCOM TURNBULL WAS HOT AND CALLED HIM DADDY DON’T LIE ANDROMEDA I HAVE THE RECIEPTS

- SHE'S THE BEST DAMN ICE SKATER!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! THE MOST RUSSIAN SPORT OF ALL TIME EVER AND MY BBY GIRL KILLS IT!!!!!!!!!! MY SESTRA!!!!!!!!!!!

-   TAUGHT ME THE WORD SESTRA WHICH IS FITTING BC SHE IS MINE

-  THREATENED TO TAKE MY MOTHER TO COURT BC SHE MADE MY SISTER RETURN A BRACELET SHE STOLE FROM THE DOCTORS WHEN SHE WAS FOUR TALK ABT EXTRA

-   WON'T  LET BLING BLING JIMMY STAY AT HER HOUSE

- HAS A HABIT OF MAKING TYPOS WITH J IN THEM

- SAID ZCRYING ONCE AND LIKE. IT WASN’T EVEN THE WORST TYPO EITHER ONE OF US HAS MADE BUT. STILL. NOW IT’S A MEME. OUR VERY OWN MEME. ALWAYS. I'M ZCRYING ABT IT.

-    THE HEADPHONE BIT IN THE FLOWERS IN JAMES’ RIBS IS ABT HER AND HER BF AND SHE STILL ISNT OVER IT LIKE SHE BRINGS IT UP TO THIS DAY AND I JUST !!!!!!!!!! LOVE HER !!!!!!!!!! SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

-  CAN'T STAND HEARING LYKKE LY WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE I’LL I’LL FOLLOW YOU. I’LL FOLLOW YOU D E E P  S E A B A B Y

-  I WOULD FOLLOW HER DEEP SEA BABY

-   I TOLD HER IF SHE WAS A ROOM SHE’D BE A DINGY FLAT BATHROOM BUT I LIED. SHE WOULD BE THE FUCKING CHANDELLER HALLWAY FROM THOSE OLD MOVIES THAT HAVE THE HUGE STAIR CASE LIKE SOME GONE WITH THE WIND SHIT HONESTLY THE MOST DECADENT AND BEAUTIFUL AND BEST ROOM THE ROOM THAT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE IN ALL THEIR LIFE

- WE USED TO SEND FANMAILS ALL THE TIME AND WE WERE BOTH SO SALTY THAT TUMBLR STOPPED FANMAIL AND SHE DOWNLOADED THIS SPEICAIL EXTENTION SO WE COULD FANMAIL IT WAS A MESS CAN U BELIEVE 15 YEAR OLD US

- DIDN’T KNOW WHAT SHOT MEANT UNTIL I TOLD HER

-  IS ALWAYS SAYING SHE'S GOING TO CATCH UP ON TEEN WOLF AND THEN NEVER DOES

-  HATES THE WORD SMOL BECAUSE SHE IS  S M O L

-  WAS FORCED TO DRIVE BACK TO AUCKLAND FOR NEW YEARS IN HER BIKINI BC HER FRIEND GOT THE SQUAD IN THE CAR AND #GAPPED IT AND TO THIS DAY I AM LAUGHING

-  MADE FUN OF MY OBESSESSION WITH FLOWERS BUT I DON’T CARE ILL STILL BUY THEM FOR HER BC THAT’S HOW DEEP MY LOVE IS

-  GOT HER BF A FUCKIN DOG FOR HIS BIRTHDAY LIKE THE FUCK GOATY HE DOESN’T DESERVE U HAZZA ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR U YOU ARE ART

-  IS ALWAYS SAYING ‘DO NOT DIE’ LIKE I COULD SAY ‘I'M GETTING FOOD’ AND YOU WOULD SAY ‘OKAY GOAT DO NOT DIE’

- RECOMMENED ME THE BEST SONG OF ALL TIME ANTHEMS FOR A SEVETEEN YEAR OLD BECAUSE

 PARK THAT CAR

 DROP THAT PHONE

 SLEEP ON THE FLOOR

 D R E A M   A B O U T M E

 (I WAS JUST GOING THOUGH OUR OLD FANMAILS AND I JUST FOUND THIS ONE U SENT THAT JUST SAYS ‘*ANGIRLY EATS TRAIN*’ AND LIKE. SAME)

 AND NOW WE EMAIL AND ITS JUST THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I LOVE OUR EMAILS I LOVE HOW THEY'RE  SO EXTRA AND LONG AND HOW WE’RE ALWAYS RECING MUSIC AND SCREAMING ABOUT SHERLOCK OR TEEN WOLF OR SKAM (OUR SKAM CHAT IS THE FUCKIN BEST IN THE WORLD EVER U R SO SMART U ARE THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TO THIS DAY I THINK ABT WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT WILLIAM AND I DIE. UR SO SMART. THE SMARTEST AND THE BEST) AND I HAVE WAITED 34857239857 YEARS FOR UR MOST RECENT EMAIL BUT I DON’T CARE I WILL WALK THROUGH HELL FOR UR EMAILS AND I HAVE ALL MINE SAVED ON MY COMPUTER IN A FOLDER BC THEY TAKE D A YS TO TYPE AND THEY'RE LIKE DIARY ENTRIES AND I HAVE URS IN MY INBOX ALWAYS BECAUSE WE’RE SUCH ASSHOLES™(COPYRIGHT JONAH FUCKIN GRIGGS) AND I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF US

 THE WORST PART ABT BEIN FRIEND WITH U HANDS DOWN IS THAT U NEVER. SHOW. UR. DAMN FACE LIKE EVER I GET NO SELFIES I GET NO SNAPCHATS THAT DON’T HAVE FILTERS ON THEM AND ITS SO DAMN ANNOYING BECAUSE YOU'RE!!!!!!!! THE MOST BEAUTIUFUL !!!!!!!!!! PERSN !!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE EVER SEEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK HOW BAD MY SPELLING IS AND U KNOW WHY????????? ITS BC I'M THINK ABT UR FACE AND ITS DISTRACTING ME

 HERE IS THE THING: UR HAIR IS A LIKE A DAMN WATERFALL. STRIAIGHT AS A RULER AND JUST LIKE. FLOWING. A GOLDEN/BRUENETTE RIVER. LIKE SPUN GOLD. BEAUTIUFUL. INTOXICATING. THE MOST. SUBLIME THING. IN. THE. WORLD. WHEN I SEE UR HAIR I LITERALLY FALL DOWN STAIRS AND HAVE TO LIE DOWN FOR HOURS AFTER LIKE. DEADASS. EVEN IF THERE ARE NO STAIRS AROUND I FALL INTO THE PIT OF HELL KNOWING THAT UR HAIR WILL CATCH ME. I TRUST UR DAMN HAIR. THAT RIVER OF GOODNESS WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO ME.

 UR. FCUKIN. CHEEKBONES. LIKE. HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY FITTIN UNDER UR SKIN HOW IS UR SKIN NOT RIPPED THE FUCK UP FROM KEEPING THOSE BAD BOYS UNDER THERE LIKE !!!!!!! THEY'RE  SO SHARP!!!!!!!!! I LOOK AT THEM AND MY EYEBALLS ARE LIKE ?????????? THE FUC HOW DO THEY WORK HOW ARE THEY LIKE THAT THEY'RE  LIKE KNIVES I FEEL U N S A F E LOOKIN AT UR CHEEKBONES BC THEY COULD DEADASS KILL ME AND THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD PROTECT ME WOULD BE UR BEAUTIFUL HOT AMAZING LIFE SAVING HAIR.

 AND THEN. THE ACCENT CHALLENGE. WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN. ALL OF IT WAS ART. UR FEAR OF THE PIPES. RAMBLING ABT THE ORDER OF PHOENIX FOR 8 MINUTES. THE WAY U SAY PHOENIX LITERALLY HAD ME ON MY KNEES PRAYIN TO JESUS FOR STRENGTH. CARAMEL. REMOTE. CAROLIN. IM STRAIGHT UP.

 *ROLLS OFF BED AND ONTO FLOOR*

 *STARTS SCREAMING* *ALL THE WINDOWS SHATTER* *I AM COVERED IN GLASS* *I AM BLASTING DESTINY’S CHILD’S ICONIC CLASSIC ‘SAY MY NAME’ BECAUSE ALL I EVER WANT TO HEAR IS U SAYING MY NAME LIKE I CAN LITERALLY DIE HAPPY IF I CAN HEAR U SAYING MY NAME I WANT IT PLAYED AT MY FUNERAL AND WHEN I SLEEP AND WHEN I'm WALKING TO THE BUS AND WHEN I DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD EVER I LOVE IT I LOVE CAROLIN IF I DON’T GET AT LEAST 8 SNAPCHAT VIDEOS PER DAY OF U SAYING CAROLIN I WILL STAB MYSELF WITH ONE OF BLING BLING JIMMYS BLINGS*

 I can't express how much I love ur voice like. its so sharp. Like a knife or a broken bone or a needle. Clear. Like glass or a pool of water or the sky with no clouds. A masterpiece. Most of the time when people say someone voice is cutting they mean it in a harsh way but I don’t because. Your voice. I could hear your voice under water it’s that sharp. I could hear your voice through concrete. I could hear your voice if you were at a taylor swift concert and I was in an abandoned supermarket. it can cut through that much space. my andy with the worlds best voice. Of course. Of course.

 For real though: happy fucking birthday my angel. You're one of my favourite people in the world. I can never get sick of you because you always make me laugh. I love you. I love you. I love you. I've said that a million times but I don’t care because I really, really do.

[glxsskweenxo]

April Teacher Crush Challenge

i’m gonna answer all the questions at once lmfao because this bitch is bored in quarantine. also this will be very chaotic and hectic, and a little incoherent at times so sorry for that lol

1. does your tc have a catchphrase or something they say a lot? - he just says the most miscellaneous things but two of his most commonly uttered phases are ‘just go!” or ‘hmm?”

2. what’s your favourite memory with your tc? - i’ve got loads of memories tbh but him calming me down and reassuring me that i would pass with flying colours before my mock exam, or him telling me to go to sleep early and not worry about any of my other mocks🥺we had coursework to do and he gave me my assignment back. i got all panicked that it was bad but he turns around and smiled at me and goes “in all my years of teaching this is the best first draft i’ve seen.” and i was all happy and a little flustered and then we spoke some more about it lmao. or another time we started talking about my name (don’t ask lmao he likes to sing this annoying song with my name in it to tease me)

3. have you dreamt about them? if so, what’s the best dream you’ve had? - i’ve had loads but i had a dream that one day we were just sitting down, all alone in the classroom and his hand wandered up to my thigh. i was getting more and more aroused and then it got too much so i begged him to touch me. B U T i called him daddy and i got worried that he’d be weirded out but he wasn’t and he reassured me that he found it hot. unfortunately i woke up by that point.

4. if you could move away with them, where would you move to? would you bring anyone else? - idk i feel like we’d be happy where we are tbh. if we were given the chance i don’t think we would move tbh. although i do feel he’d want to go back to his hometown tbh

5. do you know their star sign? are your star signs compatible? - i think that he’s an aries. i’m not really sure so i can’t say if we’re compatible lmao

6. have they ever given you a gift? if so, what? - they haven’t given me anything officially but he signed my jotter and he gave me a chocolate lmao

7. have you ever given your tc a gift? - nooo, i was planning to get him something before school school closed but i didn’t have any time to get anything. if i had gotten him the gift as planned i would’ve gotten him lindt chocolates or smth along those lines

8. what’s their best physical feature? - he’s just beautiful in general tbh but maybe his eyes bc they’re so pretty or his hands because they’re just so soft and perfect🥺

9. what’s their best personality trait? - he has a lot of amazing personality traits but i think his amazing nature is one of them. he really cares about people and just wants the best for them which is just PRECIOUS asf

10. what subject do they teach? do they teach you? - they teach history and yes they’ve taught me ever since i started secondary school!

11. how old are they? what’s the age gap between you? - i think they’re 35 now. ik his birthday is this month but i forgot when. the age gap is 20 years

12. if they could teach another subject, what do you think they’d teach? - probably pe or psychology. he’s very sporty (lol can’t relate) and i feel like bc he’s so good at history, he would be good at psychology too given it’s just as interesting and intriguing as history

13. have you ever hugged? what was it like? - i mean i never hugged him but he leaned over me to get something and our arms touched briefly. i also brushed hands with him and his hands felt so fucking SOFT omfg

14. what’s your dream date with them? - my dream date is so basic lmfao i’m so boring. but basically we just stay at home and eat ice cream and pizza and cuddle and then watch something related to true crime. but i remember someone asking him about the maddie mccann series and he said that he doesn’t like watching stuff like that given it worries him as a parent and it’s just scary to think abt. if we didn’t watch something related to true crime i feel we would watch something like ‘oitnb’ (it’s my FAVOURITE netflix show) or maybe ‘killing eve’ since he said he liked that

15. do you have any pictures with them? if so, when from? and if not, do you think you’ll be able to get a picture with them? - nooo i don’t have any photos with them, and i probably don’t think i’d get one with them :((

16. is your tc single? do they have any kids? or pets? - he’s married with kids and he has a pet

17. does your tc remind you of any characters, whether they’re from a book, tv show or film etc.? - hmm i’m not really sure tbh. i feel like i couldn’t really compare him to anyone else because he’s just incomparable tbh. he’s defo his own person which is just endearing

18. what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve said or done in front of your tc? did they notice? - basically he was talking to us abt smth and we went out of the door when i stumbled over my friends foot (i didn’t fall thank god, i would’ve actually died of shame) and he just L O O K E D at me and i just laughed really awkwardly and then my friend laughed and then he started talking to us. or when i dropped a piece of paper in front of him and i picked it up super awkwardly without looking up bc if i looked up i’d have been looking at his crotch😳

19. what colour do you associate your tc with? - blue because of his eyes

20. is your tc a good teacher? - yes he’s the best❤️

21. can you remember the last thing you said to your tc or that they said to you? - ik the last proper thing he said to me was, “you’ll see me again, even if i don’t get you well see each other in the corridors and you can say hi to me.” and the last proper thing i said was “thank you for teaching me history and that” (i wanted to add more about how he was a good teacher and stuff but because i’m very awkward at giving emotional heartfelt speeches, i just had to make an idiot of myself and say such a random thing)

22. how do you cope when you really miss your tc? - i like to imagine unrealistic, cute scenarios between us both just to get me unhealthily excited

23. what animal does your tc remind you of? - a lil puppy🥺

24. if actors had to play you and your tc in a movie, who would you cast as yourself and who would you cast as them? why? - i think i would cast penn badgley to play my tc. this would be because they sorta look alike and they’re both so smart and intelligent and precious. to play myself i would probably cast a young drew barrymore just bc i get told that i look like her a lot lmao

25. what’s your favourite outfit of theirs? - i mean i LOVE all of his outfits but when he wears a certain black shirt🥵

26. do you stay in contact outside of school? if so, how? (email, text, letters etc.) - noooo lmao i’m far too shy

27. in your opinion, what’s the hardest thing about having a tc? - the hardest thing is not being able to express your feelings. knowing that you couldn’t just confess your feelings to them is pretty painful. plus knowing that they’re happy with someone who isn’t you is pretty hard too.

28. do you flirt with your tc? do they flirt back? - i feel like he flirts with me subtly (i’ve seen him glance at me and smirk, he BIT HIS LIP at me when we made eye contact, he’s called me a good girl before and we have such cute little chats) i try and get his attention by being a bit louder or saying the most random things and sometimes it’ll work and we’ll have a conversation. i stare at him a bit too which does make me sound a bit creepy but i always look away. plus where i was sat this year, i naturally looked up at him.

29. if you could ask your tc absolutely anything and get a completely honest response, what would you ask them? - i think i would ask him if he would be more than friends. that way i would at least know where we stand and it wouldn’t give me false hope, y’know?

30. how do you think your tc would react if you told them your feelings? - with all honesty i think he would be quite professional. i don’t really think he’d go off the rails or anything. i feel like he wouldn’t try and make things awkward and for some random reason, would probably pretend like the conversation never happened.