#and i know it's stupid they couldn't do anything! it'd take uprooting our whole dynamic as a family for the past 18 years!

[anaalnathrakhs]

i know it's unfair and irrational to be mad at people to do things that hurt me, when the other option is also to hurt me, because the core of the problem is that one of us has to uproot their priorities and routine to solve the conundrum, and neither of us will do it. me the least so what am i complaining about really. but i dont know. i have no idea if THAT part is irrational but i feel like i'm trying my best to give people what they want. and then they don't give back. but how could they when the thing i want most is NOT DOING WHAT THEY WANT. and i feel. i don't know i feel like i've been kinda guilted and made to feel like it's my responsability, to be a good little obedient child and not deviate from the norm in any way, which is especially potent now that i'm older and it's simultaneously more achievable to appear normal and less acceptable to be abnormal. but at the same time it's either my overactive anxiety inventing shit out of thin air, or something they did completely innocently. so what can i say.

don't you dare be unhappy. im giving you what you want. you wanted your kid to spend time with you and eat what it's given and be a normal family. sorry i can't make myself enjoy it. sorry i'm fucked up. sorry the only way i know to be normal is to completely crumble down as soon as i can stop. sorry i can't shut the fuck up and suffer in silence so i don't have to pull you down with me. sorry. hope you feel bad and guilty enough that you kick me out. your love hurts me, your help hurts me. die in a fire.