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greypoth0ts · 3 years

Text

it was a pretty long day

T/W: MENTIONS OF PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK/VOMITTING

Characters: Ushijima(who else) hehe

Note: Yes I am projecting again - these days I just want to dance to LANY with the person I love. :')

It was a pretty long day - you're so worn out from work.

Work was tough, your line of work has always been tough. Not only do you nurture kids, you nurture kids with special needs. On top of teaching, you deal with emotions, tantrums & melt downs. Good days are good. Bad days.. they'll take a toll on you.

Today was tougher on a different level. Chaos in the class. Kids screaming their head off, dealing with meltdown and toileting. Refusing to cooperate, didn't want to do their work. By 3pm you were already flat out exhausted. You just really wanted to call it a day.

You know that days like these are normal. Sometimes you take it in your stride. Sometimes you just let it weigh you down. Today.. today you finished work with anxiety and it almost went onto a full blown panic attack.

"goodbye! see you tomorrow!" you said to your colleagues. Getting out of work on time. Today was just too much to put up with.

Stepping out of school gates, you felt faint. Sick to your stomach even. You tried your best not to throw up. You kept walking until you reached your train station.

"I am leaving workplace now, going to reach home in 30 mins babe." you texted Ushy. It was a Tuesday. So Ushy does not have practice on Tuesdays. He's home, waiting for you to have dinner with him.

"ok babe, waiting for you. I made some steak. Safe journey home. :)" - Ushy replied your text almost immediately.

"I'm not feeling too good, I think work was too much today. I feel like I'm going to throw up" - you replied to Ushy.

You haven't had a panic attack in awhile now. It's been years. You've kept it controlled all these years and also, Ushy played a big part in keeping it controlled. He recognises the signs and immediately helps you to snap out of it when he sees it. He tries to never let you slip into it.

You try to hold it together, your stomach in knots. You really want to throw up but you don't want to be judged. You try to find one thing to focus on. But you just can't keep your focus. You keep walking, walking and walking. It's like even though your body wants to just sprawl on public floor, your muscle memory just kept bringing you through to the train station.

Ushy kept calling. But you left your phone on silent. You were too focused on trying to suppress the attack anyway. There was no way you would be able to string your words even if you picked up the phone.

Ushy at home - worried sick. He's seen you spiral before, it's not a pretty sight. It's a sight that he hates because he is so helpless. He hates seeing you in pain, even if you get a paper cut, he makes a big hoo ha about the small wound. Thats what you love about him. He cares, and he cares so deeply. Hence he made it a point to himself to learn your first signs of panic and stop it just in time before you spiral.

He's considering to come find you and meet you half way. He would've hated if anything happened to you. But he kept his cool. He knew that the best bet is to stay home, to wait for you. He kept pacing up and down the house, he kept calling you. He is imagining the worst scenarios in his head and was on the verge of tears. But Ushijima never gives up, he just kept calling in hopes that you will pick up soon.

You survived the walk to the train station in a piece. Now the peak hour crowed made it worst. Whatever you want to let out is already at the tip. You stopped in your tracks.

Closed your eyes, took a deep breath..... steadied yourself.. and entered the train.

"keep it together, keep it together, am not going to puke in the train" - you thought to yourself repeatedly in the train.

You clench your fist so hard they leave a mark. You were bursting in cold sweat. You tried to keep your focus but you couldn't.

As soon as you turn into your house - you see Ushy at the door, walking towards your direction. Even before you could greet him, you threw up all over the floor. And as he inches closer - you reached out your hand to him, in a way to stop him from coming closer because the vomit will get all over him.

But Ushy didn't give a shit. The person he loved the most was suffering, he wanted to be there to hold you no matter the circumstances.

And you did exactly what you didn't want to - you threw up on Ushy.

"it's okay love, I'm here now. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. Take all the time you need to puke, once you're done, we'll get you cleaned up." - Ushijima reassured you, with his hands on your back, patting you, hoping you feel better.

You couldn't even bring yourself to say sorry. You didn't even get a chance to. You're bent over, puking your guts out. Ushy could only pat your back and look on helplessly.

Once you're done, he took your bag, swung it on his back and princess carried you into the house. You felt better after puking your guts out but you were still in a daze.

He removed his shirt(cos you puked on him), revealing his perfectly chiseled abs. Ah, what a sight.

He then placed you gently on the sofa, went to the kitchen to take some anti nausea meds along with warm water in a flask. Bringing along some warm towels at the same time and cleaned you up.

"I'm sorry Ushy - you must be hungry and tired. But I've burdened you." - you trembled as you said this. Tears rolling down your cheeks.

You felt bad. On the day that Ushy could rest, he had to take care of you.

Gently, Ushy wiped away your tears and held you close to his chest.

"that's what I vowed to do for you - when I married you. was it not clear in my wedding vows? maybe I should rewrite to make it clearer for you." - his voice low, almost with no emotions.

You cackled. But Ushy was serious about this though. He does not understand why you're upset when you are not the issue. However, he fully understood that you had no control over your panic attacks and when he asked for your hand in marriage, he has vowed fiercely to love you and take care of you, whatever comes.

You couldn't help but feel like you're the luckiest girl to be loved by the Ushijima Wakatoshi. The ace of Japan, where he has all the girls swooning over him but he only has eyes for you. And here you are, lying on his chest. Sharing a home with him, and what a privilege it is to be loved by him.

"I am sorry - I will do better next time. I wasn't there to stop your panic attack this time round, but I will do my best.. to never let it happen again." - this took you by surprise. Why is he blaming himself over something the both of you have no control over?

You gently placed your hands on his face, thumbs circling his cheeks. "this was not your fault at all, please don't apologise. You've done so much for me. And I haven't had an attack in awhile now. Do you know why? It's all thanks to you. You always manage to detect it before I spiral. I can function almost at 90% because of you, Ushijima. Please don't ever think that you're not doing enough." - you assured him.

He nodded and kissed your forehead.

"you know what will make it all better?" - you asked Ushy.

He raised an eyebrow - "what is it, y/n? tell me and I will get it done."

"Put on my favourite album from LANY, let's dim the lights and slow dance.. it'll make me feel 100% better in no time."

"consider it done" - Ushy replied firmly.

youtube

He wasted no time in getting it done. Ushy dimmed the lights, lighted up your favourite scent of candle & put the music on.

"may I?" as he extended his arms.

"I would love to." you held onto his arms, standing up.

He held you close, your head on his chest. Feeling safe, secure and loved.

Enjoying this special moment that you both share. A love so deep.. the ocean is jealous.

reblogs & likes welcome! requests open :)

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simplesinger · 5 years

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I had no idea that this is what Jai Paul was going through. What a brutal experience, and example for how tech/culture can be so incredibly destructive. It’s really great that he is back, and that he was able to describe, work through, and come out on the other side of this experience.

So looking forward to what he brings into the world next.

“A message for fans.

I wanted to use this opportunity to share a little information about what happened regarding my music in April 2013. As you may know, some of my unfinished demos were put up for sale illegally via Bandcamp. The leak consisted of a fairly random collection of tracks I had made over quite a long period of time (from roughly 2007 to 2013), in various stages of completion. Some are short skits and beats from my MySpace page back in the day before I signed a record deal. A large proportion of this music was to be completed and released officially in some format.

Regarding how this music got leaked, the short answer is that I don't really know. I believe these particular versions of tracks may have come from a burned CD that got misplaced - a fair amount of people would have had access to my music in various forms between 2010 and 2013.

The first I knew about the leak was when I woke up to a phone call from my management at around 3 am on the night it happened. I contacted the City of London Police immediately. No-one in my team knew how best to deal with something like this and there was some confusion as to how we should react. I remember thinking if we could act fast we might be able to contain it somewhat and keep damage to a minimum. However, because it was 3 am on Saturday morning it was tough to get hold of anybody. Whoever was behind it likely planned it this way.

I understand that it might have seemed like a positive thing to a lot of people - the music they had been waiting to hear was finally out there - but for me, it was very difficult to deal with. As things unfolded I went through a number of phases, but the immediate, overriding feeling was one of complete shock. I felt numb, I couldn't take it all in at first. I felt pretty alone with everything, like no-one else seemed to view the situation in the same way I did: as a catastrophe. There was a lot going through my mind, but the hardest thing to grasp was that I'd been denied the opportunity to finish my work and share it in its best possible form. I believe it's important for artists as creators to have some control over the way in which their work is presented, at a time that they consider it complete and ready.

I was also frustrated by how all this was being framed online, leading to the widespread belief that I had decided to leak my own music, despite my record label and I saying otherwise. It didn't fit at all with anything I had done previously in style or attitude, and especially not in presentation. To make matters worse I was advised at the time to keep quiet and leave things ambiguous, but this didn't really fit with my vibe and there was disagreement among us. I soon felt unable to engage with it at all.

I suppose the music was special to me in a way, stuff that I began writing as a teenager in my room just for fun, eventually signing my record deal with it at 21, and hoping that I could put it towards a debut album with XL. I guess having that dream torn up in front of me hit me pretty hard. Of course, I'm not the only person who was affected, it was disappointing to all who worked on the music and to the wider team working on my project at my management, label and publisher etc.

A police investigation started during the Summer. Email addresses from the Bandcamp page and a linked PayPal account led to two suspects who were eventually arrested, their property raided and computers seized. Nothing was found, but by this time it was almost a year after the leak had taken place. The BPI kindly offered to step in and help towards the investigation so I'd like to thank them for their concern. I'm grateful to the City of London police for their efforts. Whoever was behind the leak collected a significant amount of money from sales, which was quickly frozen by the Police. Thanks to co-operation from PayPal and Bandcamp, everyone who paid money to download the music was refunded.

There were some long term effects for me following the leak. There was a significant loss of trust. For the next 3 years or so this one event was all anybody asked me about. Everyone was convinced that the story they had read online - that I'd leaked the music myself - was true, so I had to repeatedly explain the reality of the situation over and over again. It was frustrating and disorientating to find that I had no ownership over the story (or the music) and that people were choosing to believe a different truth. I guess this all made it feel like I had thousands of people not believing me, not trusting me, and also that in some strange way I was responsible for all of it. On a personal level, things gradually went south and I had a breakdown of sorts. I was in quite a bad place for some time. I was unable to work and withdrew from life in general.

Recently, I've been having therapy of various kinds, and this has helped me get to a place where I can begin to think about returning to music. I am thankful for that. It has allowed me to understand some of what happened in 2013 a little better - not through anybody else's lens, but through my own, and through this, I've been able to acknowledge some of the trauma and grief. I've grown to appreciate that people have enjoyed that music and lived with it, and I accept that there is no way to put that shit back in the box. There was no way to fix what happened and continue down our original path. Looking back, it's sad to think about what could have been, but it is what it is and I had to let go.

Founding the Paul Institute has also been an important step for me in terms of putting stuff out there again and getting back to what I love. I wanted to create a positive environment that artists could be supported in and stand together through some of the pressures that can make this industry difficult to navigate. I'm proud of what we've achieved so far, and I'm looking forward to seeing our artists develop.

We have decided now to make the April 2013 leaked music readily available so that those who want to hear it can access it via platforms they're used to. In order to do this we had to remove a bunch of samples that we were unable to clear, so what you hear won't be exactly what leaked in 2013 - but I know the original stuff is still floating about if you know where to look. Of course, it's completely surreal to me that this music will now exist officially in this form, unfinished, and even sequenced by the people who leaked it! Much of the tracking and production work was there, but it's a shame about the scratch vocals and the overall mix. This is also not all of the material from those early sessions so again it's a shame not to be able to present something completed, in its entirety. It will always be a little painful for me to listen to myself, but I don't want to deny people a chance to hear it, especially as it's already knocking about. Hopefully, this message gives it all a bit of context and answers a few questions about it.

Finally I just wanted to express how grateful and appreciative I am for the friends, artists, colleagues and strangers that have stuck by me and shown so much love, support and mad patience over the last however many years. I truly appreciate the help and positivity I've been given to get back on my feet. I wanted to put two new tracks out to say thank you.

For the double B side, we decided it would make most sense to pick up where I'd left off, so I've finished two tracks that I was working on at the time of the leak. I've signed and numbered all 500 copies of the white label vinyl. I've not had a website or merch for sale before so I'm excited to share all that stuff with you. We'll see where things go from here.

Anyway, if you got this far thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the tunes. As always, you can find me down the pub (shout out to all the safe people who've come up to me to say hello over the years) so I'll see you down there for a pint later. Peace, Jai P.S. 10% of profits on merchandise will go to SANE.”

via Jai Paul Returns With 2 New Songs, Officially Drops 2013 Leaked Album: Listen

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