#and i think it’s a permanent cafe so it’ll be there indefinitely and not just for an event!!!!

[immaanimationnerd]

fruits basket hiatus day 186

(10 days left until season three *SCREECHES*)

question #186: have you heard of the furuba cafe that’s opening soon? what are your thoughts?

yes i have and aaaaa this is so exciting!! we got adorable art like this AND some art from takaya which is always a blessing😌

they also revealed a bunch of the foods and drinks that are gonna be in the cafe and MAN i wish i lived in japan,, i remember one of the drinks was such a pretty sky blue and it was supposed to be a drink modeled after the scene between yuki and tohru from s2e7 T^T there was also one that was a cookies and cream sunday i think that was modeled after haru because it looked like a cow fhdhddh

THEY EVEN HAD CAT PANCAKES LIKE—😭

[burchlife]

Thoughts from Toulouse

1) I should post more - I never regret it

2) Starting to get extremely stressed about HBS. I'm so excited and I think it'll be amazing experience, but doubt is starting to creep in.

Combined, we're giving up about $800k - is there really an ROI enough to justify that? I've never been in debt before and it's terrifying me. I hate the idea that I have no way to care off myself and her if something goes wrong. What if I spend all of that and the economy crashes and there's no good jobs? It's a very real possibility that happened in 2008, and we're due for a redux. Even coming out with a $150k salary, my ROI takes 8-10 years in the best case. I understand that financially that's not a bad case and will be better long-term, but I'm still scared.

Furthermore, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about doing long distance. I'm worried about the tradeoffs that are required - what will I have to sacrifice to be with her, and what with her will I sacrifice to make the most of my time? It will be a tough balancing act. Ironically, I'm not actually all that worried it won't work out. Despite this fear, there's not a doubt in my mind that the relationship will work. I don't know what the cost of long distance will be, but I am willing to pay it.

I'm also stressed about the transition. How do I pack up and move cross country as an adult? Where do I live? How do I get furniture? Who should be my roommate? Should I travel before or is that wasting money? What do I do with my cat (this is really the surprising stressful of all - I'll come back to it)? Theres so much to do and I've done none of it.

The cat is definitely a top stresser though. When I adopted her I made a commitment to take care of her, and I don't think at the time I realized what that meant, but I hate to back out of it now. I'm split - on one hand, I don't know if I can take of her, but on the other hand I hate to give her up. Worse yet, I can't seem to find her a permanent home. My biggest fear is that I'll get a call in September and need to find somewhere for her to live because I just can't. Even with that, I'm not sure I trust her non perfect behavior to have someone want her permanently. Ugh - I don't know what to do.

Despite all that, I am excited. I genuinely believe that HBS will be extremely formative in both the skills and network I need to grow and set myself up for live. Plus - it just sounds fun. I can't wait for it to get here.

3) I feel like I've been really shit at my job lately, and not sure if that's true or not. I see a few possibilities

First, that I am really am shit at my job. I don't want to rule this out, because aspects of it are probably true. I've had trouble a few times now with my temper at work that I'm not happy with, and have definitely had oversights I should have caught

Second, that I'm not bad at my job, just asked to do too much and work that's not suited to me. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a detail oriented person, and managing VVVMs and datasheets is my hell. Most of the oversights I've had are in this vein, and I do believe that it's just hard and should not all be on my shoulders. I do better when the work is more high level, communication, planning, etc. Probably a good lesson to remember

Third, that I'm doing fine, but that Ivan is a critical boss who makes everyone feel like their doing poorly. I know Cameron feels this way, so it isn't unreasonable and even when I know I've done well I don't get much praise. In his defense, he's stressed and busy, but he should take a lesson about management priorities - to take care of your people. Again, a lesson to remember when I'm a manager.

Fourth, that id be doing better if I wasn't quitting in three months and had more motivation. I'm trying to keep it up, but I'd by lying if I said I wasn't pushing the boundaries a bit knowing that it didn't effect my future.

Realistically, it's probably a combination of all of these. It's hard to realize I'm not viewed as a superstar, but maybe that's ok and good for me to acknowledge.

4) Its shocking how well things are going with her. We have few fights and when we do they always end in laughter and real acknowledgement of what we can do next time. I was so amazed at how she handled the argument at Sintra. I (probably stupidly) defended myself from her anger, and she was able to step back from the emotion and acknowledge I had a point and that she was being unfair. We then proceeded to have w real conversations. That takes real strength and EQ and was a huge moment for me to see. That's the kind of thing that gives me faith for the future.

Speaking of the future, it's crazy to me how excited I am to marry her and to, weirdly enough, have kids someday. I always hoped to find this, but honestly I don't think I believed it was possibly. And yet, here we are, where when I see anything wedding related it makes me smile thinking about marrying her. On principle I hate the idea of spending lots on a wedding, but honestly to make her happy it almost seems worth it. Part of me when's to propose as soon as I can rather than waiting - it's psycho.

However, there's always that fear that it won't work. That 10 years from now, something changes and it all falls apart. I've never seen a single sign or red flag that that is likely, and the fear isn't changing my mind about marriage, but the fear is always there. Child of divorce, I guess.

5) I'm fucking lucky. I'm 25, and have been all around the world. My work trusts me to visit our major customers alone and develop ideas that cost millions of dollars and years of development. That's cool as hell. My TVS parts, which I knew were mediocre at best all along, have made $300k in just 2 years and project to be steady earners indefinitely - Apple is even looking at them.

When i think of that, it gives me hope that I can hold my own around the best of the best at HBS

6) Combining a few points, I'm so curious to see how I stack up at HBS. I've never not been the big fish in a little pond, and there I will be up against at best equals and at worst people far far smarter and harder working and better communicators. I should by all accounts feel like an imposter, but for some reason I still don't. Part of my still thinks I'll be the smartest one there and be the best, despite that objectively ridiculous. White male priveledge is one hell of a drug.

I am excited though - every time I've been around those who are objectively smarter than me, I've used that as a motivation to get better. I wouldn't be where I am today without Adam, and I'm hoping to spring board to the next level through my new classmates.

7) Toulouse is a gorgeous town. I've never been anywhere just so pleasant - I want to come back here with her someday and just do nothing for a week.

8) I have lots more thoughts, but that's probably the biggest ones for now as it's getting cold sitting at this cafe. Hopefully this time, I'll post again soon instead of waiting 8 months