#and i understand that you can't jedi mind trick your way out of feeling the need to have everyone like you

[calware]

genuinely what is the worst that could happen if you stop apologizing for liking homestuck or if you stop saying things like "homestuck is cursed don't read it it's so bad don't make the same mistakes as me save yourself while you can etc etc" when in actuality you enjoyed it. what's the worst that will happen if you just enjoy it like a normal person

[incarnateirony]

The longer I look at this paperwork, the more baffled I am by how delusional she, and mark, must both be at this point on their place in their social responsibility for what has happened

I: Was minding my business. Ignoring her socially attacking me in Supernatural fandom for two years

When: I laughed remembering she existed, and her and Mark instantly sprangtrap in, I said they weren't welcome at the game, Mark said she didn't want that.

Then: She immediately tried to stalk her way into the game server to bust it up, then investing six months in a furry porn server to come for my business investor, 20 year friend, and disrupt a game group she doesn't even attend.

After: Once people got bored and she attacked in the wrong alignment, she social springtrapped herself. I said she wanted to go to court but had better ways.

Current: She has deleted her blog of plagiarism and lies. However, I have never @'ed her, I have never gone to her blog to comment, I have only read and copied public posts on a public platform, I have not sent anyone at her, I am literally just writing in the journal she has stalked for three years. This journal has told her very clearly I have no interest in going to her door, or her work, or do not need to, and that it won't show up on her steps, or as a letter in the mail, but this is just flat karma. Karma is in the house like carpet, and she's freaking the fuck out.

So, she files a suit and wants me to pay for HER addiction to using the law as a battering ram because she sure the fuck can't witch her way out like she pretends. From HER inability to control herself, HER inability to leave me alone for 3 years, and HER inability to stop reading my FUCKING JOURNAL which is what STARTED THIS MESS FOR HER, ACTUALLY. She wants ME to pay for HER inability to control herself from stalking, social attacks, and wiping out in public. She wants ME to pay for her therapy forever, even though she's been unstable since I left, and she walked into this, and this is literally just her perceiving being a terrible piece of shit person and looking for a therapist she can cry 1/3 of the story to, to get reaffirmed, and she. wants. me. to. pay. because. she. realized. she's. a. trash. abusive. person. with. no. gods. and. for. her. stupid. lawsuit. bills. I. laughed. At. To. Begin. With.

Listen lady I don't know how to tell you, you're paying your therapist to tell you what is needed to essentially keep you from clawing your scalp off or killing yourself. I ignore shitty clients who have done shitty things all the time to Uh Huh them towards a better reflection. It's not that you're a person worth reaffirming. It's that you had to pay someone to do it that neither knows the full story or can actually tell you what they think of you.

Here Shealyn, [puts on your therapist mask]

Yes, Shealyn. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, and that this deeply hurt you. I'm hearing a lot of conflict about your current path. How would it feel to talk about what led us to this moment in time?

And that's where you go and omit any memories that aren't useful to your schizophrenic disassociative narrative, and cry up a story, and patch together the quilt where you're the victim and not the backstabber, liar, con artist and aggressor, and you never feel any better in the long term beyond stopping your crying in the moment when the therapist nods and says, "It's understandable how that could hurt."

We keep a lot of answers like that in the pocket for when we have no real answer for whatever has you losing your nut. I once had a schizophrenic screaming her sons were archangels that would sacrifice her for revelations and I still had to respond with a nod and, "It sounds like god is very important to your life. It's understandable that would be a lot to process. Where do you think we would be safest while we chat?" That. That's how your therapist jedi mind tricks you, but why it only works in the short term.

Because you won't look at or fix the real problem. So you walk out of the therapist office and fall right back into your fucking bullshit. They can't help you if you don't want help for your real issuers.

Your real issues being that you have failed in the grieving process, landed in denial for 3 years, constructed a cult to your ex husband by plagiarizing his work without understanding it, prayed to those shadows, enshrined them on your altar even when told to take them away, and then converted the rage from your emptiness that has you anxiously ripping out your hair into a dedicated energy to try to chase me back down, because any contact with what you miss is good contact, any energy is good energy, and just like you're trying to abuse the law system as retaliation for me actually standing up to your stalking and abuse of these years, you just want to make me suffer for realizing I actually left you.

*I* left you. All of me, even the parts you disassociated to try to hold onto. And your grief and denial has become addiction, rage, and general mental unwellness, and you can't even address that because then you have to look at how you and Mark enabled each other, then your whole damn house is a house of lies. Your relationship, your business, your octopus jibberish face-copying backwards-talking can't-magic-her-way-out-of-a-wet-bag spiritual path, everything. And you want ME to pay for YOUR lack of self control and for all YOUR regrets and realization of why you've lost your goddamn fucking nut. I'm not responsible for keeping you stable anymore. Mark thought he could take on that responsibility, and so far, he's sucked ass at it and just made you worse, also for his own selfish personal vested interest inspiring intentional blindness. His own hateful petty reasons. His own justifications.

You're both trash, and perfect for each other.

Shealyn used to be a beautiful woman, inside and out. Some time over the last decade she lost sight of who she was, and then Mark dragged her in to chase ghosts made up in their minds, validating months of conspiring to backstab the one person that actually knew her and gave a shit about her. Past tense. Gave. Does not give. Opposite of giving a shit about you now, and it's your fault.

[forcesung]

A slow smile spread across her guard's face. "Padawan try fool Bulgan. No Jedi tricks here. Bulgan and Kyakhta little slow, maybe. But that not mean we stupid." Rising and lumbering forward, he loomed over her seated form; a broad- chested, bald-pated, threatening mass of muscle and bone, unusually massive for an Ansionian. "You think Bulgan stupid?"   "I did not say that, nor did I mean it," she responded soothingly. The Alwari backed off. "But I do see something else about you that I am sure of."   The hulking native's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What that? Careful be, Padawan human. Bulgan not afraid of you."   "I can see that. What I also see, and can sense in ways you cannot imagine, is that both you and your accomplice are in pain-and probably have been so for a long time."  

Bulgan's brown, gold-flecked Ansionian eye bulged even wider than usual. "How-how you know that?"   "In addition to the usual Jedi training, many of us have our own specialties. Areas of learning that we are especially drawn toward. Myself, I am a practicing healer." "But you human. Not Ansion."   "I know." Her tone was tender, reassuring-compelling. "And I can't fix your poor back, or give you a prosthetic to re place your missing eye. But the pain in your mind is akin to the pain nearly all warm-blood sentients experience. It arises from certain kinds of neural breakdowns and malfunctions. It's as if someone was trying to wire a very complex computer and all the necessary materials and components were laid out before her, but she wasn't quite sure how to link everything together. So she did a job that was a little too hasty. Do you understand anything of what I'm saying, Bulgan?"   The Alwari nodded slowly. "Bulgan not dumb. Bulgan understand. Haja, that just how Bulgan feel most of the time. Not wired right." Tilting his head slightly to one side, he stared at her hard out of his one good eye. "Padawan can fix that?" "I can't make any promises. But I can try."  

"Fix pain in head." Her captor was clearly exerting a considerable mental effort. "No more pain here." He rubbed his forehead with his open palm. "That be a big thing. Bigger even, maybe, than credits." The effort at extended cogitation having exhausted his limited intellectual resources, he glared at her again. "How know Bulgan can trust you?" "I give you my word word as a Padawan, as a student of the Jedi arts, as one who has dedicated her life to their high ideals- and to mastering the skills of a healer."   Obviously torn, her captor took a deep breath, glanced circumspectly at the door, and then turned back to her. "You try fix Bulgan. But if you try trick, I-"   "I've given you my word," she interrupted him, forestalling his threat. "Besides, where could I go? The door is locked and barricaded from the outside. Or haven't you realized that you're locked in here with me?" She did not smile. "Your friend is taking no chances."   "Locked in?" He rubbed his bare skull, his hand passing to either side of where a dark mane would normally be. "Bulgan confused."   Immediately, she jumped on the opening thus offered. "Confusion comes from the pain you've been living with. Let me try to help you, Bulgan. Please. If I fail, it costs you nothing. Even if I succeed, you can still keep me in here because the door is locked from outside."  

"That right. Padawan speak truth. Ou, you try."   Meeting his gaze evenly, she gestured toward her bound wrists. "You have to untie me. To do this kind of work, I need my hands."   He was instantly wary. "What for? Jedi trick?"   "No. Please trust me, Bulgan. There are vastly more im portant things at stake here than my life, or the size of your future credit account." [...] [H]e reluctantly stepped behind Barriss and passed a desealer across her wrists. The opaque bond that restrained them promptly dissolved, breaking down into cellulose, catalyst, and water. Relieved to have her hands free, she rubbed firmly at her wrists. As the circulation began returning, she beckoned for him to approach. "Come here, Bulgan," she instructed him gently. He did so with head bowed, shuffling his feet like a child approaching its mother. A very strong, very dangerous child, she reminded herself. She did not have to ask him to lower his head farther. His poor bent spine had already placed it within reach. Extending both hands, palm downward, she tenderly cradled the sides of his skull, careful not to cover the aural openings. His flesh was warm to the touch- the normal Ansionian body temperature being several degrees higher than that of a human. Her eyes closed, and she began to concentrate.

A throbbing ran through her as her focus sharpened. An en during, agonizing ache that through straining and training she made her own. She let herself flow outward toward it, surrounding it with the soothing balm that was her own harmonious inner self. Within the damaged, misfiring neurons that were the source of the native's ongoing hurt, the Force compelled a subtle realignment of tissues, an almost imperceptible but physiologically critical alteration. She stood holding him like that for several long, silent minutes: healer and patient locked together in that mysterious, inscrutable mutual melding comprehensible only to another master of the Jedi healing arts. Not until all felt normal and natural and well did she finally allow herself to withdraw from the vulnerable state into which she had placed them both.   Opening her eyes, she found herself staring back at her captor. But there was something different about him now: a faint but discernible change of posture, a glint instead of a dullness in his eye. He straightened slightly, as much as his broken, permanently bent back would allow, and looked slowly around the room.   "How do you feel?" she finally prompted him when no words were forthcoming.   "Feel? Bulgan feel-I feel good. Very good." Making fists of both three-fingered hands, he raised them toward the roof. "Really exceptionally remarkably good! Haja, jaha, ou oul" The little dance he proceeded to perform, joyfully throwing his arms repeatedly into the air all the while, lifted her hopes in concert with his spirit.  

Then he stopped, lowered his hands, and said to her in a no tably different tone of voice than he had used before, "But you're still my prisoner, Padawan." When she slumped, he grinned, showing fine Ansionian teeth. "For about another minute." "You mean?..." His intent became clear when he walked over to her with a spring in his step that had been absent previously and bent to pass the desealer across her ankle bonds. They dissolved promptly, allowing her to stand. Her feet and legs numb from lack of use, she would have fallen had he not caught her in his strong arms.   At which point the door clicked and Kyakhta entered the room.   To say that the senior Alwari was startled by the sight that greeted his bulging eyes was an understatement worthy of a senior tax collector. The sight of the Jedi Padawan unbound was disquieting enough. The sight of her slumped slightly in his partner's arms was a spectacle that constituted an irresolvable conundrum. If Bulgan did not with his first utterance say exactly the right thing, Kyakhta was ready to bolt back outside and lock them both back in.   Fortunately, the heretofore guileless Bulgan was now in a cerebral position to do so.   "She fixed me," he informed his companion simply and straightforwardly, tapping the side of his head. "Fixed me here. She can fix you, too."   "No promises," Barriss warned them both.   "Fix what?" Kyakhta had already taken a wary step backward. "I not broken. What do you mean, fix me?" "Up here." Once more, the mentally mended Bulgan touched hand to head. "I have no more pain in my mind. I know you suffer from the same syndrome, my good friend. Let her work her Jedi healing on you." Another step back. The door was within reach. Easy to dart back out into the hallway, slam the barrier shut, and seal the lock. But-what had happened to Bulgan in his absence? Kyakhta wondered. He hadn't been gone very long. Only a few minutes, and now his good, honest, dumb companion in mutual exile and disgrace was talking like an infernal city councilor! No, he corrected himself. Not like a councilor.  

Like a true Alwari nomad: independent, confident, and free. Three fingers hovered in the vicinity of the door. The Jedi made no move to stop him, though he sensed she might have done so. "What this nonsense about 'Jedi healing'?"   "She worked it on me. Fixed my head, my mind. It doesn't hurt anymore, Kyakhta! I can think clearly again. My thoughts haven't been this free since I was a child and was thrown from that suubatar." His voice lowered. "That was the same throw, the bad dismount, that broke my back and stole my eye-and damaged my mind."   "But I…" Kyakhta was at a loss for words. In the face of the evidence, in the face of his friend's face, he was forced to accept a seemingly inconceivable reality.   There was another reality that would have to be faced, and quickly. Unbound hands outstretched, the Jedi was advancing slowly toward him.

"Let me help you, Kyakhta. I give you the same promise I made to Bulgan. Whether I can help you or not, I am still your prisoner."   That was true, Kyakhta realized. Dissolved bonds not withstanding, he and his friend were still the ones in control here. Only they knew the way out of the building in which the cell was located. Only they could get her past the outer guards and security checkpoints. Of course, a Jedi Knight would probably make short work of such minor obstacles, but a Padawan still in training... Unarguably, she had worked a marvel with Bulgan. Could she take away the similar pain that had afflicted him all his adult life; remove the regular, pounding waves of agony that daily stabbed through his brain? Wasn't it worth, if nothing else, a try?   "Go ahead," he told her, adding by way of warning, "if this a trick, the bossban may not receive you undamaged."  

Paying no attention to the threat, she reached out and up to put her hands on the sides of his head and draw it toward her. Her fingers were cool against his skull, he realized, and there were too many of them, but otherwise her touch was inoffensive. Calming, even.   Several moments later, he was blinking back at her with the same awed realization that had not long before nearly overcome his companion. Unlike Bulgan, he did not throw his arms wildly in the air and dance small circles. Instead, he bowed. As performed by an Ansionian, it was a particularly graceful and supple gesture. "I owe you my sanity, Padawan. For had you not interceded, I see surely now that the pain I have been living with would have led all too soon to utter madness, and eventually to death." Turning from her, he embraced his old companion-in- despair, long arms wrapping around Bulgan's broad shoulders, maned and bald head bobbing together in ardent, mutual exultation.

— The Approaching Storm, Alan Dean Foster

[multistoty]

“Love won’t save you. Only my new powers can do that.” (yes it's me again. From anakin at crowsandmurder)

Padme couldn't help fixing the man that was her husband with a glare. She hated what he had decided to become even if she couldn't bring herself to hate him. They had been bretrayed and tricked by Palpatine and part of her would always feel guilty in being apart of the removal of the former leader. Her brown eyes held a steel that she hadn't thought possible for anyone let alone to the man who held her very soul. Anakin was the one to convince her that this love was alright to allow herself to have. Now, his yellow eyes seared into her mind like nightmare fuel. The blue of home gone just like the fearless hero he had always been. The senator ached more deeply to the child growing in her womb for they would never get to know the legacy of the amazing father they once had known. How could he kill the younglings when he was to be a parent? It would never be okay in any sense, but being an expectant mother put a new sense of horror to her lips. The pain running through her entire petite form had the woman attempting to settle the life living in her. It was not time for the child to make it's debut and wasn't safe. This was not the Ani she knew like the back of her hand. The one that she had tasted the sweetness of his lips before and longed for it every time he spoke. He had insisted that this was for their families sake. For the first time, the brunette felt guarded to him. Her armor up in every sense including the tight updo that she knew would make her melt. This was the first time that she wasn't sure what he would do to her. Was he too far gone to stop himself from hurting her? A signature of rage shook her form just as much as the brokenness at what he had become. She was just a vessel at this point. A person without a heartbeat watching the world turn in her wake. His gruff words had her stepping backwards slightly though she knew that love still leaked from her petite frame. There had to be some sort of hope flickering in his soul. The white beauty of his innocence now soiled. This just proved what the jedi had said about love and that she would be the coil release to the galaxy's undoing. The former queen didn't dare to say that it was Obi-wan who told her. Someone she trusted, but thought that he surely was off his rocker. Now, she was witnessing it. Feeling the usual reassurance of safety in the wake of his presence and the soft kiss of the force. The love was still coming from him even in the rage filled way he spoke. Part of her wished it wasn't there. That it would be so easy to cast Anakin aside and board up her walls. The air, however, was charged in a revolting doom. "my' powers. This wasn't him nor the darkness that had infected him. All the nasty words and judgements of other's were coming through. Part of her wanted to shake him to maybe reset some broken parts. How could he do this to her and his child? How could he do this to himself? To the galaxy? There was the pull of Anakin's lips as he spoke or the rushing blood at his pulse points. The rage clouded his usual dancer like grace which was so familiar her heart nearly shattered all over again. This couldn't be good for the baby either. Padme could feel sharp pains coming from more than her feet that usually pulsed under the weight of her stomach now days. The senator refused to be unnerved in her attempt to stand up to him and draw out what had to still remain. She was a Skywalker after all. The legacy of that name will never ever changed that was her solemn vow. "You can't think this is safe, Ani. What about our child? You robbed so many others of theres. You chose to stand against me. Because we write her future. I understand the terror of your premonitions, but we don't know if I- if we- would have died. How am I supposed to live with the guilt of this, of never having you come home to me again?"

[gffa]

What do you think of the theory that Anakin was unintentionally influencing Padme and that's why she loved him/married him despite some admittedly *very* red flags? I'm starting to see it crop up more and I find it gross and irritating but I can't really explain why. It doesn't really seem like your cup of tea, so I was hoping you might have some of the smart words I don't. But if you do like it, I'd love to hear your thoughts from that perspective too.

For me, I think it's obviously not the actual narrative intention, if for no other reason that GL would have said it was the takeaway if that had been the case, he's never been shy about talking about the narrative intentions and meanings of his story. I don't know the motivations of the people who like the theory (I almost never see meta for it personally!) but I would assume that the creepy and (unintentional) manipulative nature of the theory is a feature, not a bug, that they think it adds a spice to the characters that they like. That it's not about making it nicer and softer and sweeter, but about giving it an edge that they find more interesting or gives a recontextualizing to it that they like. (SW fandom loves "actually, this theory will change everything you know about the story!" theories.) Which, hey, isn't that what fandom is for? Exploring the characters and setting in a way that makes it more fun for each person? Personally, no, I don't think it works with the story, because if Anakin/Padme was about him influencing her that undercuts a lot of the tragedy between them, that it means it wasn't really real and I don't think that's nearly as heartwrenching or motivating for Anakin, especially someone we know who will eventually come back to the light, as someone who started out kind and good, but couldn't stand the thought of losing her and so he became attached to her and that led him to the dark side. That's Anakin Skywalker's story, that's the central theme of his character, that's what GL says every time he talks about Anakin's fall to the dark, that he got attached and attachment leads to the dark side, because attachment isn't just loving someone or caring about them, it's about being so afraid to live without them that you'd do anything, including killing a thousand people to save that one person. Star Wars is meant to be useful as a story that we can take meaning from for our lives as well, which means that Anakin has to start from a good place, that his relationship with Padme has to start from a good place, because otherwise he was just evil all along (even if unintentionally so) and the themes of choice and literally how the Force works then lose their meaning, that it wasn't about Anakin's light being snuffed out by his fear, but that there wasn't any light to begin with. And this is setting aside that the Jedi mind trick isn't precisely forcing their will onto others, it's more like convincing them of something they probably already wanted to do. As well as setting aside that using the Force like that requires focus and that Anakin would have to be good at influencing versus just trying to smash his way through things and-- And it's setting aside that it's pretty in character for Padme (who just has different taste in romantic partners than some people have, like, we see a ton of real world people who are nuts for Anakin, even if someone else doesn't understand that, those people exist, people find him romantic and attractive, it's not exactly a hard leap to understand that Padme would as well, even if someone doesn't care for Anakin themselves), who very much is a romantic and lets her heart rule over her head when it comes to Anakin. If someone wants to explore a darker take on Anidala, where Padme's choices aren't her own, where Anakin's power in the Force and his desperate desire for her override her will, then I can see why that would be an intriguing thing to theorize about, especially in the vein of darkfic. There's nothing wrong with tossing the theory about and playing with what it might mean!  Horror flavored fics are a genre for a reason!  (Along with whatever other motivations people might have.) But it's not going to appeal to some other people because it strips Padme of her agency and a big part of who she is as a character, if those choices are no longer entirely hers. A lot of her character is already one that revolves around Anakin's character (or maybe it's more fair to say she's an extension of his character all too often), to have even the decision to be part of his life taken away from her is one that reduces her character, makes her less, because it's no longer even nominally about her, it's now entirely about Anakin and his feelings for her, not her herself. And that's already something Anidala struggles with as a story (in a way that I like to think is on purpose, that Anakin tends to make things about himself all too often is something of an undercurrent as time goes on), while saying he Force-influenced her into the relationship would make it all the way about him and Padme might as well be a sexy lamp for all that her choices or her character or her personality matter to the story then. Ultimately, I think their relationship has to be real for the heartbreak on Mustafar to really matter, for Padme's final words being echoed by Luke to really matter, for Anakin's return to the light to really matter. He had to have real love in his life, from Padme and Obi-Wan and Yoda and the Jedi, otherwise the ending doesn't have nearly the power it should have.

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK MMA 2020- COMMENTARY

Disclaimer: This is a commentary, not an expert analysis. I am not a ballerina. LTRS.

Let's all agree right here, right now, that if ever a moment deserve to be immortalized for all eternity, that it is this moment right here: the moment Jungkook lifts Jimin off the ground- it is the most super iconic IT moment of the year as far as shipping goes. Damn, was it beautiful. Goddamn!

Personally, I had so many flashbacks of unchartered fantasies, hopes and dreams- the least delusional of which is JK saying with a deep voice, after lifting JM off the ground, 'would you marry me please' and Jimin, shook out of his wits would respond in Satoori, 'we are already married, you idiot. Now put me down!' Lol.

What? A girl can dream... Leave me alone. Lol

A lot has been said of this dance and so I won't rumble on for long. I'm just gonna focus on the moments that stood out for me:

The first of which would be the build up to that performance- BigHit, you sneaky conglomerate bastard! Lol.

Y'all saw what they did there right? For weeks I have been bombarded with questions about the seemingly 'tensions' between Jikook- everyone was slipping me the 'something is up with Jikook' pill but chilee, I look at them and all I could see was Jikook up in their shenanigans. Lol

I think I mentioned this in a previous post? Anywho. I think the thing that most of us was experiencing with Jikook was the unnecessary 'limited' interactions between them in the recent content we had been getting post Jimin's birthday but regardless, there were still moments of them 'giving themselves away' like in the Grammy reaction video when Jimin instinctively turned to JK in his moment of excitement.

His hesitation was worrying though, because normally he wouldn't- they wouldn't, hesitate to hug the person that they want to hug in their moments of emotional outbursts unless something was hindering them.

Ergo, I felt, if he was hesitating, then clearly it meant there was something holding him back or stressing their dynamic- I think I've definitely talked about this right? Instinctual reactions and all that jazz?

It didn't feel like he was having problems with Kook though, honestly. Because, in spite of all these little inconsistent moments of 'tensions' between them, Jimin for the most part has been giving me the vibe he is falling in love all over again with Kook- Dont ask me why. Lol. This is just gonna be one of those statements I make in passing. Take note of it though, I'll talk about it again soon.

But from the little I've seen post Jimin's birthday, that's the vibe I'm getting. If you believe Jimin is in love with Kook and you have an idea of when he started falling in love with Kook in their love Journey, then I think you'd catch the signs too? If not, never mind. Lol.

Every now and then, I see him go through this phase- in my opinion. I can't wait to talk about it. And yes, it is what I meant when I said Jikook's dynamics seem to have flipped again lately. Time to turn on the crazy. Lol.

These minimum interactions between Jikook however, to me, felt more as if they were being 'monitored' or asked to 'tone things down' by the company or something rather than that they were having actual issues in their relationship- know what I mean?

For the love of me, I couldn't figure out why the company would ask them to tone things down... Until the blackswan performance.

I feel somehow that the lack of content and moments between Jikook in recent times, coupled with the seemingly faux tensions between them prior to their performance at the MMAs, without question, contributed to the wow factor of their performance. In my opinion- but stay with me.

BigHit ain't slick. Lol.

It's so on brand for them though, isn't it? Demand and supply and all that jazz. Chilee. Scarcity inflates the value of a product. I mean we've seen JK lift and carry Jimin in their dance performances several times now yet we can't deny this came as a shock and surprise for us all because we had zero idea what was 'going on between Jikook' behind the cameras- straight up Jedi mind trick. Lol.

Not to say the performance itself wasn't spectacular in of its own. I'd be mad damn liar and a fool if I peddled that nonsense anywhere. Lol.

I just want to point out how BigHit utilizes and taps Jikook's brand and magic in their business model, as this provides a stark contrast against BTS's marketing strategy for their self produced Album Be.

I tried explaining in my LGO analysis, how that project was a personal project of BTS' as a group and how as a group they had their own perception of brand and what sells- or who sells amongst them, as such they weren't going to and didn't star Jikook in that project as front and center.

Contrasting that project to this project, which is more of a BigHit piloted project rather than a personal project of the group's, you can see how Jikook's brand stands out and how it is being highlighted or even exploited for maximum return.

This is what I mean when I say Jikook is a brand. A powerful brand at that and that BigHit has a stake in their brand.

Jikook once again, overshadowed and dare I say, over powered BTS's own brand in that Blackswan performance- chileee, that performance was so Jikookcentric I forgot the others were even there. Lol.

I mean I saw NamJin jump in the foreground somewhere... I'm gonna get canceled am I not? Lmho.

VHope were powerful too. But I couldn't help but notice how neither of those individuals could have sold it the way JK did, had they been in his shoes. V and Hobi both have stamina and presence, yet for some reason I just can't picture either of them lifting Jimin up and spinning him the way JK did and does- not that they can't...

It's just, they take the spotlight too. Jimin is captivating when he dances- or does anything quiet frankly. And usually, he shines under the spotlight when there is undivided attention on him.

When he is paired with Hobi, V or even Suga, very often they act as distractions as they tend to compete with him for the viewer's attention and as such they don't necessarily compliment him. In my opinion.

Often too, when he is paired with RM or Jin, he tends to outshine them and make them look like rookies- Namjin... bless their hearts. Lol.

Kookie is the only member in the group that I feel compliments Jimin- well. Not that he isn't a great dancer too like Hobi or V, it's just whenever he is paired with Jimin in a performance he has the tendency to waive his spotlight and cede it to Jimin by letting go off his own shine and spotlight as well as his competitive spirit so Jimin can be highlighted.

It's why he is the perfect partner for Jimin and the perfect choice for this role in their duet. I think. He pulled it off guys. He PULLED IT OFF-chef's kiss JK. Chef's fucking kiss! Lol.

JK often talks about how he prefers to 'be behind the cameras,' how he often films the members but doesn't like being filmed or being in the spotlight and you see this in his GCFs where he takes the back bench and allows Jimin or even the others to dally in front of the camera.

I don't know if he is aware he does this in his dance too- because for the longest time critics often commented on his stage presence or lack of it there off- their words not mine...

Frankly, I never saw it that way. Because, paired with any other member, he squares up. Chilee. Lmho.

It's one thing to look great next to your partner, it's another to look great together next to eachother and Jikook looked great together in that moment- just exquisite and outstandingly beautiful.

The point of the black swan dance as RM had said in their blackswan Film reaction video, is not to highlight all seven but one- Jimin and that is exactly what JK did on that stage.

Jimin I felt wasn't as intense as he often is in his solo performances. He is brutal in the way he captures attention when he performs alone on a stage. His aura is demanding and alluring and if you can tear your eyes away from him when he is in the height of his performances then- share your magic formula you lucky bastard. Free us all from Jimin's hold. HELP! Lol.

But for some reason, in this performance, he wasn't lost in himself in the moment. It took me a while to understand what was happening-he was equally relinquishing his shine so Kook could share the spotlight with him- please, leave me here to die.

They each compete against the members when they perform with them on a stage, but they never seem to compete against eachother. They move in awareness of eachother and lift eachother up. They enhance eachother's presence and when they collide it's harmonious. This is what we mean when we say Jikook compliment eachother- nobody is doing it like them.

They were both powerful in their strides, graceful in their descent. They did it. They killed it.

Signed,

GOLDY

[catsnkooks]

(not the) bad guy, duh

Anakin Skywalker x senator!Reader (also gender-neutral)

summary: No matter how secure you feel in your relationship with Anakin, everyone around you makes you question him. But you know the truth...right?

word count: 709

rating: G

warnings: lil bit of fluff, lil bit of angst, mostly foreshadowing

a/n: from this prompt sent by anon!

if you enjoyed this, please consider giving it a like and a reblog!!

here it is on ao3

You returned to your senatorial office, the durasteel door sliding shut with a mechanical thwip, the fading light of the Coruscanti sunset peeking through the transperisteel window framing your back wall. You sighed and sat at a table off to the side, pouring yourself a glass of tall glass of Corellian wine. You took a big gulp of the dark liquid and set it down on the table with a sigh, collapsing into the chair next to it.

A knock came from your door and it opened. You looked up, a smile coming to your face as Anakin walked in, tall and sleek as always in his dark Jedi outfit. Your smile wavered as he walked closer to you, and you frowned down at the glass of wine in your hand.

“How’d the meeting go?” he asked, extending his arms to you.

“As usual,” you replied. You stood, and instead of going into Anakin’s arms like you usually did, you walked to the opposite side of the room to look out of your window.

“Is something wrong?” You could hear the concern and worry in his voice as well as his boots and he walked to stand beside you.

“It’s nothing really,” you sighed, still not looking at him.

The conversation you’d had with Padme earlier still drifted in your mind. She was worried about Anakin’s relationship to the chancellor, no matter how much you assured her that the chancellor had Anakin’s best interests in mind. Then she had to ask you if that was what you thought, or what Anakin told you. Then, you noticed the wary looks Bail and other senators would give him whenever he was in the Senate building. And you noticed the way his former master would look at him almost…wistful, like he was looking forward to something but it would never come.

“C’mon, you can't trick me that easily,” Anakin said, draping an arm around your shoulder. “I can sense something is bothering you. What is it?”

You sighed. Sometimes you forgot what having a Jedi for a husband was like.

“It truly is nothing,” you repeated. “It’s just that….” You trailed off, sighing again, this time turning to face the man you loved. “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

Anakin took a step back in shock, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging open slightly. You bit your lip, suddenly worried you’d said the wrong thing.

“I don’t know, Ani,” you said, turning away from him again. “Sometimes I feel like we made the wrong decision.”

“Hey.” You felt his hand on your upper arm, and you turned to look at him. Every time you looked, you fell deeper into his ocean blue eyes, that currently gave you a reassuring smile.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, his voice soft as his arms came to wrap around you.

You sighed and leaned into his touch, setting your hands on his chest, a smile coming to your face. “Of course, Ani. I’ll always trust you.”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about,” he said, bending his head to press a kiss to your lips. “I would never do anything to hurt you, and if I did, it’s not the real me.” He pressed another kiss to your forehead. “I love you.”

You smiled and leaned into his chest, wrapping your arms around him. “And I love you, Ani.” He had to be right. You knew he would never hurt you. Everyone else was just stressed about the war and didn’t understand the kind of pressures Anakin was under.

“You're stressed,” he continued, rubbing your arms. He pulled away from you just enough so he could look at you. “How about I get you your favorite drink and then we relax to your favorite music. Would you like that?”

You sighed, feeling the tension go out of your shoulders. You smiled up at your husband. “I would love that, Ani.”

He smiled back at you, cupping your face and giving you a lingering kiss. “You stay here, and I’ll get everything, ok?” He turned and walked out of your office.

You flopped down into your office chair, turning it so you could look out over the planet city.

Anakin had to be right…right?

[leothelionsaysgrrrr]

So I'm actually torn between Emma and Silver for my favorite OC of yours. Emma has a special place in my heart cus of her dynamic with Oliver, which never fails to give me all the feelings in the world. She has such a unique backstory and I just love her a lot. But then there's Silver, who I fell for almost as soon as I saw him lol. My weakness for pretty men is well known, I think, and he's got that idealist streak I can't help but admire. Plus, I love Tevinter OCs on principle.

THANK YOU :D  Fair warning, I have a lot of feelings about these two so I’m gonna go completely off the rails here!!

I am so GLAD you like Emma’s backstory, and you know I have all kinds of feelings for her and Ollie’s friendship as well :’)  There’s enough difference between them that they don’t 1:1 EXACTLY understand the other’s trauma, but there’s enough similarity in the process of accepting and understanding what’s happened to them that they're uniquely suited to supporting each other, and honestly Emma needs that so much.  Her situation is a good bit muddier than it would be if she’d been made Tranquil by the Chantry, and she’s left with a lot of questions regarding how she’s supposed to feel about what’s happened to her.  How angry is she allowed to be that every formative emotional memory and experience from her childhood and adolescence was stolen from her, essentially murdering the person she would’ve been otherwise, given that the person who caused that didn’t intend any harm and was in fact trying to help her?  Is the person she is now worth having been through that?  Worth less than she would have been if she hadn’t?  Is cured Emma worth more than she was before being cured?  Was she cured, with all the pain and hard work that’s come with it, to honestly help her, or to make others more comfortable with her - to assuage Sala’s guilt over having done this to her in the first place, and Rémy Sparrow’s despair over his beloved daughter not loving him in return?  

It puts her on quite a journey, trying to marry her academic understanding of emotion and connection to others with what she herself thinks things like love and family really mean, learning how to want things for herself (really, how do you answer when someone asks you ‘but what does it mean to want something?’) and recognize and communicate when she does, and dealing with her crippling fear of loss.  In the end, I think the connections she allows herself to make, to her friends, to her LIs (who all highlight and strengthen different areas of growth in her), and how she chooses to relate to her biological father and half-brother as well as her adoptive fathers and her lovers’ families, all of this gives her the support she needs to be successful in that journey, and she’s all the better for it.  It’s incredibly interesting for me to consider her perspective and complications that arise from it, and her quirks are so much fun to figure out, too.  I’m so glad you like her :) <3

Silver under the cut ;)

and SILVER.  This man.  Oh my god.  I feel like I yell about him all the time, but I DON’T I just rave at @lavellanlove about him until kingdom come and don’t say ANYTHING in public, HAHA.  But like, I know I gave him an unreasonably pretty face, but there’s SO MUCH MORE about him that makes him really, really stiff competition for Lux for my Favest Fave.  He’s so incredibly generous and kind with all of himself and everything he has, to anyone who needs it, but is also a snarky, petty little shit.  He LIVES for this sweet dessert that is basically loukoumades but is otherwise super picky about eating well.  He believes intensely in body positivity and would never consider someone unattractive based on how they look.  He identifies as a man, but his gender expression is kind of all over the place and he doesn’t see any reason for it to be otherwise; he dresses the way he likes, regardless of whether his choices are considered traditionally ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’.  He knows he’s hot, and he’s vain af about it.  He thinks magic and mages are trite and boring, but he uses subtle blood magic to do what’s more or less Jedi mind tricks to de-escalate tense situations - make people reconsider attacking his people or fail to notice them at all, that sort of thing - fueled only by a finger prick’s amount of his own blood, never anyone else’s, and never more than that because he’s squeamish as all hell and can’t stand the sight of much more than that.  He doesn’t know how to fight and doesn’t want to learn because he genuinely doesn’t want to hurt people, even if they pretty objectively deserve it.  He does things that are super brave even though he’s scared as fuck to do them, like standing up to defend others from rude patrons, his secret work to smuggle escaped slaves out of the Imperium, and accepting a seat on the Magisterium knowing he could make a huge difference there despite also knowing it puts a huge target on his back, and feels guilty about being scared and hesitant.  He’s privileged and he knows it, and he uses it to the advantage of those who aren’t rather than himself.  He has his own struggles dealing with his past and his family, his own grief and losses, and has a strong tendency to try to deal with all of that himself despite having lots of people who’d gladly help if they’d let him.  I’m not even going to get started on his relationship with Emma which is so interesting to me because how do you navigate meeting an adult sibling???  Especially when your adult sibling is HER and you’ve spent your whole life wanting siblings and now you somehow have to establish a relationship with someone whose reaction is ‘but why?’ that’s supposed to have been cultivated over your entire lives in a couple years??  And all of this from a character who was supposed to be a one-off mention in TSU and nothing else.  I love him so much, thanks for loving him too :)

[nelior2187]

https://my.w.tt/9vsMQdSal5

[01] BB8 told me...

This is my fist Shipping Oneshot which I wrote and also the first one basing on a Song, which I found while looking a fan made video.

Song: I hate you, I love you - gnash

Words: (without Intro/outro) 5’563 words

★★★★★★★★★★★

Feeling used but I'm still missing you

And I can't see the end of this

Just wanna feel your kiss against my lips

Across the hangar, there he stands. Talking with some of the other pilots of the resistance. Again, I caught myself starring at him, while BB8 tries to remind me, that I forget to check the adjustments I just made. This was the third time today, I starred at my Crush and I hope nobody noticed. Yeah, he is just my crush. Some of my colleagues asked me if we were already dating, but no. We don’t. So many times, I tried to make out what he was thinking, if he liked me the way I like him of if he likes someone else. His face is a mystery for me and still, I want it in my hands, his lips on mine. A second time, BB8 gets me out of my thoughts with loud noises and reminds me, that it’s already time to eat lunch. „Thanks, Buddy! “, I muttered, shortly before leaving my work for the little break.

And now all this time is passing by

But I still can't seem to tell you why

It hurts me every time I see you

Realize how much I need you

I was on my way to the canteen, when I saw him again. His perfect face in the crowd. Even when I try to ignore him, I still see him through the people like a hunter its prey. Normally, I sit with my colleagues, but after the last battle, many of them are dead so the rest of us looks for new groups to join up with. I didn’t even have the chance to look somewhere for my pilots. Rey waves at me enthusiastic and smiling over both ears, next to her my love, Finn. My face went a little bit red as I walked by the other resistance fighters and sat down. My plan was to sit as far as I could get from my friends, to save them from my emotions, but Rey disagrees. She puts, using the force, my food right between her and Finn. I try to smile happy but somehow, I got sad. Sad that even this little gesture of friendship won’t fill the hole in me. The hole created by Finn being interested in other people, kissing them – yeah, he told us.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to but I can't put

Nobody else above you

The first thing Rey did after I sat down, was hugging me shortly. After that she started talking about all the new jedi tricks she learned in the forests and how much fun she had with the adventures on her own. While Finn was interacting with her, I just sat there and ate slowly or better didn’t ate my food. It tasted awesome but somehow, I couldn’t enjoy it. Just a few minutes after I sat down, I wanted to bring my food in the trash. Rey’s mood went from happy and laughing to worried and sad. „Got a headache… “, was my answer before I left. I kind of regretted the harsh and annoyed voice I used for it, but there was no going back now. The pain, to be right next to him but can’t have him was too big. I thought about how to love someone else to get away from Finn, but there was, after many trying, no other man, who I could love more than my one and only.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

As I was about to go back to BB8, I remember that it was still lunch time and I didn’t even waste five minutes. I didn’t want to be surrounded by people right now, so I walked back to work. Like I thought, there was no one right now. Finally, I’m alone with my thoughts. I know about Finn and Rose and this morning Rose told me everything that happened. We accidentally met outside of the base and walked together through the forest, talking about updates and exchanged stories. When we came to the topic Finn, she told me that they had something and that she probably lost him to Rey. In my eyes it totally did fit. They hang out in all the free time we get and when Rey does train in the woods he stays mostly alone, except for BB8, who is visiting him sometimes. Now I don’t have any chance anymore. There is just the awesome and famous Rey, the Jedi, or me, a pilot. Who he did choose was clear already.

I miss you when I can't sleep

Or right after coffee

Or right when I can't eat

Nobody was in the hallways, fascinating. I got my bottle with some space soda and brought it back to the Hangar, where BB8 was already waiting for me I start my work with a fake smile and no enthusiasm, always having Finn on my mind and permanently making mistakes. After all the time which I have spent with the robot together, I think he knows what’s in my mind. The way he watches everything I do and always reminding me when I do something wrong, but not in an aggressive way, more like a calm buddy, who just wants to help a little bit. In the corner of my eye I see Finn and Rey walking across the hallway from the canteen into the other direction. I don’t want to know what they want to do now. I’m slightly getting more and more angry over me and my stupidity, that I want something from the Ex-Stormtrooper and especially over my way of acting. BB8 makes one of many sounds, which I understand as the questioning for a flight. „Awesome idea, buddy. Then let’s get you in there! “, I said and just a minute later we start the Xwing.

I miss you in my front seat

Still got sand in my sweaters

From nights we don't remember

The seat behind me was empty. The sad truth behind me and the high forest in front of me. I don’t even notice that my speed was too fast for save flying over the station, I just keep flying circles over the heads of the resistance. BB8 did not said anything after leaving the hangar and that’s good that way. I just want to calm down and to be in the air helped me always. I hear over the coms in the background that some of the pilots want to make a new route for the training, that some of the medics need more equipment and that the new General was doing something new but didn’t got what. I don’t care about that all right now because when someone wants something from me, they had to wait for me. Out of nothing a Voice cuts through all of the talking like a live though warm butter. Finn, he asked about someone, who he is missing. I ignore it, even with the hope that he meant me and cared about me, but I was not missing, so the person wasn’t me. I laughed about my own stupidity, that he would do that for me in this situation.

Do you miss me like I miss you?

Messed around and got attached to you

Friends can break your heart too

And I'm always tired but never of you

In my head flying the daydreams. What if Finn never met Rey? What if he didn’t kissed Rose? What if we were better friends? Are we even friends anymore? I don’t even know who my friends are next to BB8 and my Xwing. I never got close to the surviving pilots of the resistance. I had with some of them One night stands but the ones I was together with are already killed by the first order. The rest of them are not my close friends. We work together and help each other, but I’ve never gotten more out of that, than just friendship. I spend so much time with just being with Finn somewhere, that I forgot to resist him. I never had the feeling that it was too much what I did. That i would just run after him and I would still do it all day, just to become his number one and not just someone. We were all the time together and it was the best time of my live until somehow something happened, and we broke apart. I got sad, broken by my crush.

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit

I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit

I type a text but then I 'never mind' that shit

I got these feelings but you never mind that shit

Hours went by and I was patrolling over the whole continent, trying to help the other pilots with finding a training route though as many different grounds as possible. I already found one, but I want to be sure to have a good one. BB8 already reminded me that I should have said something to the base, and that they will worry about me if I stay to long away, but I responded with „it’s no war anymore. “And „What should happen out here. “. After another hour my Xwing showed me with a lot of noises, that I needed to refill the tank, or we would crash. Too bad that I was right now over the sea and outside of the map, so I don’t know where the next ground is or if I can get back to the base in time. I decided to fly back, hoping to reach the ground before I fall from the sky, but I see that I wouldn’t make it. So, my last option is to call for help. I activate the microphone on my helmet and wait a few seconds. The voices are panicking in my headset and screaming something about someone who is gone missing, again. I say with a breaking but loud voice into the microphone: „Here Dameron, I need a Patrolling team over here. Now! “and turned both off.

Oh oh, keep it on the low

You're still in love with me but your friends don't know

If you wanted me you would just say so

And if I were you, I would never let me go

I saw the other Xwings after a half hour flying over the ocean without any land in sight of land. I already did write a goodbye message for Finn on my data pad, if I wouldn’t survive that stupid idea. The others get fast closer and I ask over com: „I’m extremely low on fuel and I have information for the Resistance on board. “. They accepted this lie without asking back, I am surprised. It took just a few minutes and the other Xwing pilots pumped some of their fuel in my tank while flying. That was something we teach each other all the time, so we had no problem. But after they helped me, they didn’t go back to the base the report, they stayed with me and escorted me back to the station. Somehow it felt like a convoy for transporting a criminal. I didn’t feel good, being all the time watched by all the other pilots of the resistance. Probably they think a lot of bad things about me after their best pilot just begged for help. An easy prey for the mean ones.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

Under us is this big blue ocean, turning to green and black. The sun from the backside and the shadow of the Xwings in front of me on the water. In the knowing, that the other pilots don’t want to talk to me right now, I did turn the commlink of and opened the channel to my robot. “Do you got the Information’s I talked about for the ground around here?”- “Beeb”- “Okay, that’s good, did you notice anything special? Like a Cave high enough or a good place in the woods for another base?”- “Beeb”- “And you got the routes for the training group?”- “Beeb”- “That’s awesome, at least something I can show up when I come back home. You good back there?”- “Beeb”- “Then is everything good. Talk to you later, buddy.”, I turn the communicator of and just look over the Ocean. This much water… I would have never made it alive back home. I would have dropped into the water before I even see land in front of me. Now I’m kind of happy to call the patrolling group. Our Area isn’t that small, and they still needed over a half hour to get to me.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

At the horizon I could nearly see sand and the begin of a forest. Finally, Land in sight. I think about what will happen back at the base when I come home with a convoy. Some could think that I wanted to desert, flee from the base because of murder or worse. I actually don’t really care what the people in the resistance think about me, they are not allowed to attack or kill me when I didn’t do anything. I don’t want to think about it, but my thoughts go straight back to Finn and Rey. Are they together or not? Do they care? Am I still a friend to them, or just a member of the resistance? Just a Pilot who is replaceable? I have enough of those thoughts, so I decide to join the group chatting over commlink and headset. They just talked about a newbie who made a lot of mistakes and lead to a lot of funny stories. They were mostly hilarious, so I laughed for myself, enjoying the voices in my Headset and the relaxing feeling resulting. It all went back to stress when we got in our Area.

I don't mean no harm

I just miss you on my arm

Wedding bells were just alarms

Caution tape around my heart

Back at the resistance base BB8 took over the control and landed the ship safely, because I was too tired and exhausted to do anything. I mutter: „Thanks, Bud. “to the bot, before I leave the Xwing and the Hanger. Many people look over at me, but I ignore them skillfully. It’s already dark outside and I am tired, what made the ignoring easier. I walk past the other members and into my room, where I just fall in the bed without even changing or doing something. I met Finn somewhere in the hallway but ignored him and Rey with a sunken head, hanging shoulders and a slow walk. But right now, I couldn’t care for anyone. My brain is burning from all the love I feel and the rejection I always get back. I don’t want to hurt my friends, but they are better without me right now. They should have their fun and I won’t disturb them. 

You ever wonder what we could have been?

You said you wouldn’t, and you did

Lie to me, lie with me, get your fix

Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all mixed

The next morning, I wake up in the full fly outfit laying on top of my bed and with a big headache. My eyes filled with old tears and swollen from the night. „Fuck" I hate it when I look like that, because everyone is asking me why my eyes look like shit. I have luck that I wasn’t too late for Breakfast. I laid my data pad on my bed and left the room in a hurry. I tried to avoid people on my way into the canteen, but I never had such thing as luck. I ran in Finn and Rey, which were discussing loudly, which made my headache even worse. I got grumpier than I wanted to be seen. Both get silent as I walk past them in direction of the cafeteria. Rey tried to follow me and said things like: „Where were you? What took you so long? Is something wrong? Talk to me! “I just turn around and say a single: „No! “, before I walked away from the worried faces of Finn and Rey. I just can’t talk to them right now. I’m too weak for that.

Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing

Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance

„Here.“, I put carefully the new data pad BB8 stole for me on the table and open the files for the new training tracks and for the many places where different buildings could be placed, so that the whole planet would be colonized by the resistance and their families. The Impression was high in my counterpart’s eyes. „Where did you get that from? That’s all big help for our plans. You’ve done a lot for us. Tell me, how did you get them? “- „I was just flying around. BB8 did scan all the things because I was too busy. “, I could stop me from talking about Finn. The pilots on my table start to grin and another resistance fighter appears at our table. He asked me, like he would know what his friends were thinking: „And, how is your best buddy? Who was it, Finn? “- „Why don’t you ask him? “Confusion is written on his face: „I thought you were close, and I got something for him from the general. He just said that it’s for your best friend. “- „Okay I'll bring it for you. Something else I can do for you? “- „No, that’s all. See you around. “He puts a data pad like a secret message on the table and walks casually of. 

When love and trust are gone

I guess this is moving on

Everyone I do right does me wrong

So, every lonely night, I sing this song

I say goodbye to the two pilots with waving at them and leave the cafeteria after I threw my trash away. My first checkpoint is the place where I saw Finn and Rey the last time, but they were not there anymore. So, I had the choice to decide between going back to the cafeteria and hoping they’d be there or looking for Finn in his room. I decide for the second option after hearing the bell, which calls us to work in the morning. I know exactly how I can find Finns place because I’ve been there many times and I was never brave enough to knock or ask if I could come in. I dream often how much it would smell like Finn in there. And now I have a good Reason to be close to him again. A lot of Adrenaline pumps through my veins the more the closer I get to his room. What would he say? Would he let me in? Am I still friend enough to be allowed there? Is Rey with him? I hope not.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to, but I can't put

Nobody else above you

His Door is an inch open and Finn himself is nowhere to be found so I sneak in his room and put the data pad right next to the commlink on his Table. Would I haven’t turned around I would never have seen the two pads laying on his bed. One of them showed a map of the base which I found out when I lifted it. His and my rooms were circled, and a line connected them. The other pad was mine. And my pad was showing the goodbye message I wrote on the flight yesterday. Now, when I read it again it sounds a lot sadder, than it should have, and I was just talking about my death and not how much I loved him. That way it would be probably better. Maybe did BB8 told him that something was of, but I hope he didn’t. No one else knew about this. Still, my biggest mistake was leaving it in my room. I got scared what Finn or Rey will do, when they think of me now. I need to leave, now. 

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

I leave the room in high speed and about to get into the Hangar, but some pilots and fighters stood in front of the doorway and ran in my direction, after they saw me. My brain was blank, and I wanted just to get out of the base. Only a: “Fuck” left my Mouth. Outside of the Base were two old speeders and some scrap. Nothing usable for me right now so I ran into the forest. I had still my full pilot costume on, what I noticed in surprise. Even without being notified through commlink, BB8 still know that I need him right now and the ship landed a few hundred yards from my position. What I didn’t know was that Rey was already waiting for me, following the Xwing out of the Hangar. I heard her Voice screaming “Stop!” I turned and tripped over something. I stand up and run the path deeper in the forest before I got sawn by someone. It’s sunrise by now. Exhausted I arrive on a ledge where forest and cliff meet and where I get a perfect view over the base.

All alone I watch you watch her

Like she's the only girl you've ever seen

You don't care you never did

You don't give a damn about me

In the middle of the little stone circle is a fireplace. I remember showing this place to Finn once. Back then when we were friends and I could hide my feelings. Captured in old memories I stare into the distant. I let the time pass by and stand up after one and a half hour to get back to the base, hoping that I won’t be treated as a bad guy or worse but what should happen to me. I’m just a pilot who was just in a bad place. I can’t lose anything at all because I have nothing. Finn has Rey and the resistant has each other. I am alone. Except of course for BB8 but this robot is much liked by everyone. My decision stands. I go back and don’t run anymore. It is weird for me, that I first run and then go back without even having done nothing wrong. I grin because of my stupidity and my failure to interact with others like a normal Human being.

Yeah all alone I watch you watch her

She's the only thing you've ever seen

How is it you never notice

That you are slowly killing me

I hear steps behind me, the direction where I came. I turn around, my Blaster ready to fire ant already aiming. I would have expected everyone else, even Rose, coming though the bushes but it was Rey. The one and only for Finn, so I put the blaster away, before I could hurt her, or Finn would try to kill me and that were not my intensions. She put her lightsaber away and stepped a little away from the gab in the bushes. Her follows the one and only Person I did not want to be here right now: Finn. I was to perplex that I couldn’t move a muscle while Finn runs over to me and nearly nocks me down with his hug. A magical Moment for me. All my emotions flow out of me which I held successfully back for so long. First it was just a Tear but shortly after that I hugged Finn back like I would never let him go and started to cry. Because of what? I don’t know. I just want all the pain to go away.

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I love you

Don't want to but I can't put

Nobody else above you

It took me longer than I expected to calm down. I didn’t want to let Finn go, just a familiar Voice behind him and Rey made me look up. It was just the one Pilot from today on the breakfast table who gave me the data pad. I nod in his direction and he replies through waving shortly. Rey’s face is filled with a friendly and happy smile same as Finn’s face. My colleague is the first to turn around and says over his commlink to his people to stop the search. They had what they wanted. I still blame myself for running away and being so childish. My eyes slowly go down and I look at my feet because my ashamed being so that I don’t have to look at the others faces. Well, no. Finn, who still stands next to me lifts my head with his hand and turns my Face around to him. In the corner of my eyes I see Rey leaving the ledge. Finn slaps my face ‘gently’ to get my attention back. Pretty close for me, not more than two inches between us. He captures my eyes with his and says with a calm but strong voice: “We talk about all that when were back at the base. You owe me a explanation. And don’t even thinking about running away again.” 

I hate you; I love you

I hate that I want you

You want her, you need her

And I'll never be her

A troop of ten people, all fully armed, escort me back to the base and through the hallways, my hands in cuffs. Now I really felt like a murderer or an information dealer. Not trusting eyes, confused and scared ones starring at me while we walk through the commando central. Finn, who didn’t leave my side, surprisingly, puts the stolen data pad with all my information’s on one of the commando desks. He took me by my arm and pushed me forward until we reached the general. I don’t listen at all what they were saying, still deep inside my thoughts what now could happen and what the hug meant for Finn. Maybe he sees me now with different eyes. The reaction when he saw me confuses me. I was all the time mad and unfair to him and he hugs me like he missed me. Finn pushes me to the side, out of the convoy and into a small floor. I don’t even try to ask what happened or how he could get me free. The silence between us walks with us through the corridors and after a long time of walking, Finn pushes me though a door in a part of the station, where I never went.

“Is it true, what you wrote down on your data pad…”, his voice breaking and tears coming through. He does not even looks me in the eyes, so much pain is it causing, to think about it.

“Would it change anything?” His face turned from a little bit worried to a lot worried.

“Of course it would! We would loose the best pilot of the resistance and… and … I could loose you!” I can’t really believe what he’s saying. No best pilot flies without checking if there is enough fuel especially without a mission. And why would he care?

“I’m not the best, I was never. There are way better people out there, which you can care about.”, my voice just a shadow of itself and my head hanging, looking away from Finn’s pain filled eyes. I just can’t see him that broken. Why is he not staying with Rey and lives happily?

“I don’t need to care about the others when I already have you!” Finn getting even more angry, “Do you even know what you mean to us? To me and Rey? To the whole resistance? You saved more lives that I could count and you still think that you’re not great? How?!”

“Because I don’t get what I want, doesn’t matter how much I bleed for it..”, I talked faster than I could think, but I notice that I got myself into talking what I miss in this moment.

“What, what do you want so much that you would die for it?! Tell me!”, Finn nearly screams at me in confusion and desperate. I would scream back at his face, telling him how much I love him and how much I miss being just with him on missions, in total trust for each other.

“I can’t…”, now my voice is gone.

“Why? I was asking your friends and colleagues what could be going wrong right now and nobody could tell me what was you on with you. I called Rey back here just for you, but even she couldn’t figure out why you were so cold and distant. I thought you were good with the people around you. I thought you had ‘fun’ with them. I thought you would be now truly happy after you took other for the night in your room. I just wanted you to be fine, but you aren’t. Why you didn’t told me is not on me to decide, but I would have helped you. Even Rose didn’t know what was going on with you after I asked her to talk to you. After Rey told me what you’ve written down, I couldn’t believe it. Please, tell me why you’ve been avoiding us? Why? Please, it hurts, buddy…”, his monologue ender in begging. I would do everything now for him but… he wasn’t going to do anything with Rey. She just helped. He just tried to figure me out. With the help of all the friends he has known. Did the pilot, who gave me the pad, also just helped Finn? Probably yes. He was looking at me like he wanted to read something out of my mind. He didn’t let me fly after he read the message, I wrote. I feel now kind of worse than before.

“I’m good.”, I lift my head, looking him straight into his eyes, seizures him disbelieve.

“Don’t lie to me Poe, I know that face good enough.”. He comes closer, to close, whispering now: “What are you hiding from me?”

I don’t even let him think about what he just said. I response in a harsh way: “A big and very complicated Secret.” I open the door and stepped into the hallway, before he even realizes what I just said. What I didn’t quite planned were the possibility for people who were on Finns side. In front of me stand the three of the pilots I ate with this morning and behind me Rey and Rose. There is no running without a fight. Before I did choose which group I want to fight to get the hell out of here, did Finn grab my arm. I had no choice but staying with him so I went back in this dark room. This time Finn does not look just a little bit worried, his face shows anger and frustration but also worries and fears.

“Please buddy!” Now his voice sounds really heartbreaking.

“I can’t tell you. You probably won’t even accept my actions after I told you what’s really about. It stays a secret, even if it does kill me slowly, I won’t say it.”, I try my best to push him out of my comfort zone before my R-rated Ideas come back but he just gets closer. In the next few seconds I forget everything I planned to do. Still with the cuffs on my hands. I slowly get closer looking from his eyes to his lips and back and biting my lip in a gentle way. All my instincts are taking over. Before I could stop myself, Finn already did put his lips on mine. My reflex in this situation, which I’ve always have dreamed of, is kissing back, shy and insecure. A mixture of adrenaline and oxytocin runs through my veins and I put my hands to Finn’s face before he takes a step back, to watch me.

“Was it that what you wanted?”, his voice got dry and darker but that just made it more sexy. I could just grin in this situation. It takes a few seconds for my brain to form the next sentence: “Are we still ‘buddy’s’?” Now is Finn’s reaction just a small giggling.

“If you want to, but we could be way more.” I just can’t believe what’s happening in here. My crushes fist kisses me and second wants more from me. Am I already dead and in heaven?! I just have one final question for the Ex-Stormtrooper: “How did you knew?”- “BB8 told me..."

★★★★★★★★★★★

Please, write all your ideas how I could get better in the comments

Thanks for all the people who support me in what I do^^

And yeah, it took long. Just about one full day