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#and i wanna channel that into my two oc boys both being traumatized and leaning on each other but that also makes me feel so vulnerable
pears-trinkets
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1 month
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#i just wanna have artist friends again to talk about art and hype each other up o(-(
#share techniques and fandoms and have ocs together
#i feel like i cant do art or feelings on my own anymore i need someone to feel it with me
#but also depending on people like that is unfair so i stopped doing it and my heart was shattered into a million pieces
#i had so many issues drawing the past 4 years and i only have one friend and they dont draw and are aq
#are awkward with words but when i send them a photo of me trying to draw they literally didnt say anything and that was just :')
#ive been struggling so much because of twitter and everyone i knew seeing my breakdown 4 years ago and knowing how many bridges i burned
#and how difficult it is for me to draw at all and then share my art online and my friend told me its okay just share it with me
#and when they dont say anything in me screams and feels so rejected i want to never talk to anyone ever again
#im literally a shell of a human struggling with everything im a trauma response on two legs
#and i wanna channel that into my two oc boys both being traumatized and leaning on each other but that also makes me feel so vulnerable
#i feel like my existence is so pointless and just a burden on everyone who ever crossed paths with me
#i imagine everyone i ever knew just talking badly about me how obnoxious i am and how selfish and ignorant and hurtful
#and how happy they are about my downfall
#im on mental sick leave and have finally a bit of time to catch my breath and im drawing again and feel better but i need to return to work
#i cant do this
#im so privileged and i still feel so bad and its so hard
#i feel like every privilege i have will be followed by the most gruesome horrible thing because i dont deserve it and im unworthy of it
#i dont think ill ever be able to build normal human relationships ever again ill shrivel up alone and die without anyone caring
#while my mom is telling me im doing it on purpose and because i reject everyone
#why is existing to painful and why am i doing worse worse doing it
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