#while my mom is telling me im doing it on purpose and because i reject everyone

[pears-trinkets]

.

[chronicler-of-narrative]

*Insert obvious flashing spoiler warning for Edgerunners*

Ok, its only been like less than a month since i finished Edgrunners and I have not had the chance to play the game and only know things about it from a couple youtube videos and cultural osmosis so...Im gonna tell you my theory (thats definitely not just my hidden copium) and *how* David survived the ending of Edgerunners and why I think the story of the anime isn't done.

Disclaimer: this was written late at night and while tired. So take my assessment with a grain of salt and be sure to correct me in the notes

Ill start off by mentioning a pattern ive noticed that may be completely wrong but may also be invaluable to understanding the storytelling of Edgerunners and probably Cyberpunk as a whole: Death as an ending.

Now, that is a very obvious storytelling trope. Character finished their arc? Kill them, and all that. But imo death in Cyberpunk IS the end of a characters arc. David's mom dies moments after completely explaining her hopes for David? End of her arc because it serves to set a baseline, a goal David had pushed onto him that then serves as a payoff later on the series. Same applies to the gang, and while my memories of the middle few episodes are admittedly fuzzy, it is my belief that they all died in some way befitting their character: For example Rebecca and Pillar, characters who are very obviously crazy and to some exend hedonistic, don't die in some glamorous way, but rather are both killed by one, violent and most importantly empty action. A complete rejection of their flair, an anticlimactic end. The point im trying to make here is that death, in Cyberpunk, is played off as a subversion of ones goals but simultaneously as a fulfilment of their arc/purpose.

Now David's death seemingly fills that niche, right? In one way or another, he fulfilled the expectations set on him by everyone around him and himself. He saved Lucy, made it to the top of Arasaka Tower, right? And yet, curiously, to borrow a detail spotted by a probably fairly well known theory video on the idea that David did survive, but we never get to see David die. We see him being aimed at by Smasher in a moment reminscent of the first shot with the washing machine, and then we get a bloody transition. We dont see his corpse. Now, even if i personally do subscribe to this theory, i wanna mention the parallel that caught my eye during the scene: Why exactly is it, and frankly why do we even start, with the washing machine? I feel like the answer is fairly simple, actually: It shows us how David is bent to wills of the corporations. From being denied his clean uniform by the washing machine to getting stared down by Arasaka's most prized asset, he starts and ends in submission to the corporate rule of Night City. Now, if I may stretch this out even further, what if in a way, his death represents the washing cycle of his uniform?

Now, this sounds batshit insane, and it probably is, but hear me out. What if the reason its a washing machine is because it shows the beginning of David's cycle of being 'cleaned' into a corpo, the one that ends up interrupted by the lack of funds. And what if, despite how he apparently dies, that shot might be representing his cycle being...complete?

So, to kinda cut down on all of this yapping, let me make my main thesis clear: the protagonist of Cyberpunk Edgerunners did die, but it was not David Martinez that died, but rather, *David*.

What I mean by this is what if his death was real...But metaphorical? What if he didn't die physically, but the part of him that opposed Arasaka, the punk that didn't fit into the academy, died?

Now, at the end of the series, Adam Smasher is alive and well, and yet in 2077, we kill him. Now, I don't know the context on his dynamic with V and how narratively his death happens, but I do known hes dead. This to me, creates a vacuum. A vacuum that, a game with a clear message about the futility of trying to change the rule of the corpos, should logistically be filled right? And while yes, I am suggest David will take Adam Smashers place, I do wanna explain why it happens.

Now, one thing about David is that he's special. Its a very reccuring motif im the entire show, and one that seemingly doesnt go anywhere since he ends up getting destroyed by the even more special Smasher. But what if, hear me out, that idea of being special had a different use: What if it is used as a framing device (especially given David and Ripperdoc have a conversation ABOUT Smasher) that means to frame David as being similar to Smasher. As being his equal in specialness. What if thats the whole reason its not Max-Tak that ends up killing the cyberpsychosis afflicted David, but Smasher. A sort of "you and me are not so different" moment that supposedly shows Smasher triumphing over David. Now, it could just be that David was enough of a threat to Arasaka that called in the big guns, but then again, if he was, why would Smasher wipe the floor with him? If David was as much of a problem as he's made out to be, wouldn't he be able to hold his own against Smasher, even for a little bit? But no, Smasher demolishes him, completely and utterly. And thus I believe this was all Arasakas plan. To see how suitable of a replacement David is for Smasher. And the reason we only hear whispers of David in 2077? Because hes locked away in some Arasaka facility, being worked on to surpass Smasher and potentially even become a threat to V, considering they seemingly have no issue with killing this supposedly super strong cyborg.

So yea, Tldr: David only died metaphorically, he could potentially come back as a Smasher 2.0 in a sequel to either the game or the anime.

If i got this all completely wrong, do not hesistate to roast me in the notes. If I think of any additions the next time im online, ill make sure to add it as a reblog.

[hamgurber00]

tw; teenager talking about her father in a quite harsh way (also her mom), noise sensitivity ig, not being able to recover from dad shouting at her, just overall useless rambling and venting

i (sometimes) feel like my dad feels superior to my mom just because he's like an engineer something and my mom's a teacher. he says he's always working on something, like, sir, you can't work all five days off the week and go out to get beer and watch the total shit show of a game called football on some restaurant's tv while screaming and shouting and not spend the same, SAME AMOUNT OF TIME WITH YOUR WIFE AND KIDS. i feel like he's been guilt tripping (or whatever ppl call it) my mom to do stuff (for my sister and me when we asked him) by saying "but i work all five days for blah blah blah hours and it tires me" or something along those lines while being able to shout at our tv about how shitty his team is playing football and making me, my sister and my mom uncomfortable. that man also has the audacity to call me dramatic when i tell him that the noise from the tv bother me while im trying to sleep (since i sleep in like a balcony that's connected to the living room). it's like he's being annoying on purpose. because no, im not happy to listen to your goddamn show about some mentally ill lady with her two autistic and three unstable kids trying to kill their father, that's fucking pathetic. so shut the fuck up and go to sleep or watch it in the kitchen, you dumb imbecile. it's not that deep you drama king. fucking smashed testicle of a dead cat. he spends more time outside than with his wife. im not even talking about his kids. he really upsets and has the nerve to call me a drama queen. ME? A DRAMA QUEEN? i doubt that pathetic excuse of a man has ever met someone dramatic. im going harsh on him, i know, but he really gets me upset. especially me, a really introverted and awkward person who's afraid of rejection and disapproval, talks about their feelings for once in two years finally opens up and his only response is "you're being dramatic, it's not that deep.". it is, to me. i just wish he could see how that impacted me and i've been upset for two days already. i hate disapproval, but my feelings aren't validated, let alone noticed in the household im supposed to feel safe and seen in. my mom doesn't help much, either, she does tell me im dramatic. she also tells me that im just learning how to behave by the media i consume. hello? i hardly watch anything. i don't have the patience to watch stuff, i get bored. i don't feel safe at school, not at home, never outside, not some restaurant, not my room, nowhere. there's not a single place i feel safe in. and it's bad. im probably just being dramatic rn but it's true, i don't feel safe or happy anywhere. the school is too noisy, and so is anywhere public, my dad's just overall voice tone sounds pissed and i think im scared of him by that. and probably by the time i didn't answer his calls and he came home and shouted at me with my mom because he was "scared" and i've been sensitive to noise ever since. and i don't even remember him apologizing. not even once. whatever, i just have to make it to friday and ill have a day to rest.

[miamoo27]

Today my head has been filled with worry, guilt and sadness. I keep thinking about Cc if she is ok, if she needs anything. I feel bad I got her stoned and regret it. I love uncle saul and I know that his death is sooner than expected. He is old. But cc is not. I wonder what she will do when he dies if she will be ok alone. And who is going to be there when he goes. Even though she pisses about him a lot I know she loves him more than anyone, probably even more than me. I wonder and hope she knows she has purpose in life because she does. I felt that for the first 16 years of my life she brought me up and I did the rest after that. She tried her best even when she wasnt my mother when my own mother was not doing her best. Uncle Saul always supported her and was always there. What is she going to do when he leaves. Tuesday I was worried about my mother and the whole day felt like a complete fever dream of how unsettled I was. It has been so hard to focus on everything with everything going on. I feel sad, I am depressed. I want to be happy again. I get excited about stupid shit like growing my plants and smoking pot. But besides that I have nothing in my life that makes me happy. Pot makes me happy thats it. I feel bad I got my aunt stoned, I feel more bad for her and I am not happy. I have a fear for tomorrow I do not want to go to the city. I have this huge anxiety lately that does not surpass I had my first panic attack in a while today right before work and it took everything out of me. But im not tired. I hate mornings its when I think the most about the past about Nick. I think about his body holding me in the mornign and how it isnt there and then I want to cry and then I tell myself to get up so I dont think about him. Then at night I numb myself with pot so I dont have to think about him so I can sleep, so I can sleep and all my worries will fly away. I feel so low right now, I want to go back to the time I find life in my life right now I feel so empty, I feel like I am at a breaking point. I truly believe no one cares about me that if anyone knew who I really was they would not like me. Fuck fathers day. My dad doesnt even try to have a relationship with me. He should have tried to be my dad but instead he just pays the bills. I wish I had a dad who hugged me who told me I was beautiful and special. I never heard that come out of his mouth, he said I was attractive. I hear the way other dads talk to there children and it makes me jealous. I think about how he never spoke to me like that. Maybe when I was a kid but thats it. He never told me when I did a great job. I dont know if this is true but this is the way I feel. I always tried to get male validation because he never gave it to me, an woman always made me uncomfortable because I thought of my mother how they always rejected me. My father did not reject me he ignored me. The difference is there was no emotion behind what he did with my mother there was. My mom was jealous she loved me but she was so hateful towards herself that she hated me. Because her mother rejected her. Its a cycle. I hope if I ever have kids I wont do that and just love them. I am lost, I am sad, I miss Nick but most of all I miss just being not alone. I wish the man I fell inlove with was not such an asshole

[hiimsociallyawkward]

Dear Lara Jean,

HI. so i watched TATBILB: A&F a few weeks ago, and I have some words. Before I begin, i'd like to preface that i'm literally 17 and have no film experience, and that I've read this book once maybe 4 years ago but here it is.

ps. if you haven't gotten it already: there will be spoilers. Heavy spoilers.

first of all, i'm sorry but i really didn't like the little edit things. Maybe I've reached that point in my life where I don't f with that anymore. Like when theres a drawn house and it slowly fades so it's real life?? no thanks

the music choice... I honestly didn't have that big of a problem with it, but my korean friend kept going "wtf is this music choice" so i'm quoting her on that.

the filming and editing. well maybe it's just me but I didn't really like it. yk when you're watching a youtuber and they do those zoom in things and it's sort of fast and funny? I think there were a few times the movie did that and i didn't like it.

literally, lara jean looking directly into the camera?? it feels like it's breaking the 4th wall and maybe they're doing it to be edgy but no thanks i didn't like that either.

WHY???? Her breaking the 4th wall added NOTHING to the movie. It just took me out of the experience. I especially didn’t like it when they did it in PS I still love you when they temporarily broke up.

THEY SET THE MOVIE IN OREGON. WHAT WAS THE REASON. THE BOOK WAS SET IN VA, AND I LIVE IN VA SO I FELT A CONNECTION TO THE BOOK. AND THEN THEY GO AND SET IT IN OREGON. WHAT. WAS. THE. REASON

OREGON DIDN’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH THE COLLEGES. THEY’RE STILL PRETTY FAR AWAY FROM STANFORD. IN THE BOOK, UVA WAS CLOSE BY SO LJ WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE TOO FAR AWAY FROM HOME. NO OFFENSE TO THE STATE BUT WHY OREGON. THEY COULD OF PUT THEM IN CALI AT LEAST

ONE OF THE REASONS WHY LJ WANTED TO GO TO UVA IS BECAUSE HER FAMILY WOULD BE CLOSE BY. BY PUTTING THEM IN OREGON, YOU TAKE AWAY THAT REASON. i just want to 👊 whoever’s idea this was

FURTHERMORE: THEY CHANGED UVA AND UNC TO STANFORD AND NYU. I AM INFURIATED. THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT THEY WANTED TO GO TO UVA BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE 10 MINS FROM WHERE THEY LIVED AND IT'S A STATE SCHOOL. LARA JEAN FELT LIKE THE WAS GAURANTEED TO GO TO UVA AND WHEN SHE DOESNT, IT ACTUALLY HURTS THE READERS.

in the book, LJ was waitlisted from UNC, rejected from UVA, and accepted to W&M. I’m sure you can find like 40 people at our school who can relate to this situation. I doubt 40 people in our school can relate to being rejected from Stanford BUT accepted to NYU. dear writers, please give teens across the nation (your target audience) realistic expectations for college admissions.

YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT PETER AND LARA JEAN WERE ACTUALLY QUALFIED ENOUGH FOR STANFORD. LEMME JUST SAY, I'VE APPLIED FOR COLLEGES THIS YEAR AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD GRASP ON WHAT IT TAKES TO GET INTO CERTAIN COLLEGES. YOU'RE TELLING ME THE TWO OF THEM. REALLY. GOT. INTO. THOSE. SCHOOLS. pls.

DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE KISSING BOOTH. ELLE AND NOAH ARE POSSIBLY THE DUMBEST CHARACTERS I HAVE EVER WATCHED. I DON’T SEE THEM DO A PAGE OF HOMEWORK AND I DON’T EVEN THINK THEY ATTEND CLASS. LIKE MAKING A KISSING BOOTH FOR ONE FUNDRAISER FOR A CLUB THAT CONSISTS OF 2 PEOPLE DOES NOT COUNT AS ENOUGH TO GET INTO HARVARD. but that’s a different movie...

this is literally the idea that television and movies have in making it super easy to get into ivy leauges. as if some in state college isn't up to society's standards of where or where not it's ok to go to college. it's when gabriella montez goes to stanford, troy goes to berkely, ryan evan goes to julliard, teddy duncan goes to yale, cody martin is accepted to princeton, HANNAH MONTANA does to stanford.

and lara jean wants to study english lit. she never says “i want to go to stanford because of their great english lit program”. it’s only “i want to go to stanford because my boyfriend is going and i have no other life outside of him

fine. make your characters seem awesome by making them go to awesome colleges. but still. this is upseting.

you know how awesome it is to hear UVA, the college I've always wanted to go to, in a published book? and for them to just rip it away- espeically when UVA is so attainable?? Yea yea movie directors, i get it, UVA isn't good enough for you. whatever.

They had AT LEAST 5 MONTAGES. 5. FIVE. WHO NEEDS THAT MANY MONTAGES. To quote my friend "the movie is all montage and 30 mins of plot" AND I CAN'T FIND IT IN MYSELF TO DISAGREE WITH HER.

AND THE DANCES. I REALLY DIDN’T NEED TO SEE NOAH CENTINEO DO WHATEVER HE CALLS “DANCING” IN 2 MONTAGES. I know everyone fell in love with noah in the first movie, but i’m pretty sure everyone fell out of love with him in this one.

again, i know nothing about movies, but 5 montages?? it seems like you're just filling space and trying to make everything seem ✨awesome✨ and ✨amazing✨. SURE. everything might be awesome and amazing, but this movie was 1 HR AND 55 MINS. and you decided to add 1 HR of montages? WHy. AND. one of them was in slowmo. i can't

THEY HAD VOICE OVERS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE. sure. 1 at the begin and 1 at the end, I think that's cute. BUT THE WHOLE MOVIE?? WHY. like bruh- have a focus.

literally did anyone read the freaking book? Remember how- in the book right? Margot was actually really not ok with Trina bc she's sort of replacing their mom? and Margot is rlly not ok with it but gets over it?? see how that was summarized in like 5 seconds in the movie? Oh i'm sorry you used all your time for the movie making STUPID MONTAGES but can we get some actually emotionally beats next time?? thanks.

ok this is a big problem i have with the movie. in the 3rd book, peter tries to have a relationship with his dad who ran away from him years ago. He struggles with that relationship the whole book. This is good stuff. people can relate to this. the scene in the diner where peter “confronts” his dad was CRINGEY. It could be noah’s acting but i couldn’t take him seriously. AND HE FORGIVES HIS DAD AFTER 30 SECONDS. the movie tries to include these smaller storylines but can’t because of the time limit. i’m no screenwriter, but i’m sure there could have been a way to subtly move that plot line during the entire movie rather than that one conversation in the diner

and in the book, peter has to train for lacrosse so he has to eat healthy which stresses him out. i specifically remember him getting mad at someone (maybe it was john ambrose, i don’t remember fully) for EATING HIS CARROTS. this just shows that peter has a life too. he has to worry about lacrosse along with losing lj. but no, the movie makes him look like the perfect boyfriend who has no other worries in life except for the girl in front of him

remember how- in the book (right?? bc they had a book to go off of???) Stormy was a part of the 3rd book? like a BIG part?? They LITEALLY just used her as John Ambrose's grandmother (WHICH IM PRETTY SURE THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO IN THE MOVIES). literally, stormy and john ambrose were throw away characters in the second movie and i am infurriated. BUT ALSO I LOVE JOHN AMBROSE HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM??

and remember, how in the book, how the dog's name is "Jamie Fox-Pickle" and they changed it to HENRY??? where is the flavor. what was the reason. SERIOUSLY.

BUT ALSO. CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG BUT THERE WAS A POINT IN THE PLOT WHERE PETER'S MOM TOLD LARA JEAN TO BREAK UP WITH PETER. DOES NO ONE ELSE REMEBER THAT?? AND THEY CUT IT ALL OUT OF THE SCRIPT?? LIKE WHY. WHAT WAS THE REASON.

ok those are my biggest book grievances I think. but lemme just say, they NEVER went to NEW YORK. They literally wrote that in for the purposes of NYU. in the book, Chris and Lara Jean DRIVE to UNC because that's ATTAINABLE. BC THEY'RE STATE UNIVERSITIES. ANYWAYS

LJ’s and Chris’s spontaneous trip to unc showed their friendship in a good way. I never really liked chris as a friend to lj but during the trip, they are besties and it shows. the movie tries to do that in ny but peter is also in ny for some reason. she should have fell in love with ny WITHOUT peter at her side nagging her to sneak out and go on a date. she should have spent more time with chris rather than thinking about peter while she was watching the band.

the scene where Lara Jean is in New York and at the party and she sees the band? To all the boys I've loved before: Always and forever?? more like To all the boys I've loved before: gay awakening time.

when they moved the pink couch to the subway? WHy? They wanted snazzy pics.

when Lara Jean and Peter were making up and it was a really cute sequence AND THEN THEY MADE HER LOSE HER V CARD. FINE. I GET HOW THAT'S REALISTIC BUT IT WAS A CUTE SCENE. MY FRIEND ALMOST STARTED CRYING AND THEN LJ LOST HER V CARD AND WE COULDN'T STOP SCREAMING.

this is different from what was in the book (for the 100th time). In the book, they don’t do it and it shows that you can be in a high school relationship without being physical. I strongly appreciate that message. This darn movie had to have her lose her v card. WHY. IT ADDED NOTHING TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP. THE YEARBOOK SIGNING WAS SYMBOLIC ENOUGH

the montage where it's a montage of all of lara jean's and peter's cute moments?? ok fine. that was cute. but they literally just took scenes from past movies. imagine the impact if we like hidden moments from their relationships. maybe they're laughing in the car together. maybe they're watching they sunset. maybe peter is looking at her lovingly while she sleeps. WHAT IF. it WASN'T a montage of all the "bigger" moments of their relationship, and we got to see them just exist.

UGH. THE VOICE OVER AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IS SO CRINGEY I CAN'T

"WE AREN'T LIKE OTHER COUPLES. NOT US, LARA JEAN AND PETER KAVINSKY. BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING BETWEEN US. WRITING LOVE LETTERS" please. b freaking s

Some redeemable qualities

while i didn't like most of the songs, "like me better" by lauv will always be loved. especially since it's a call back from the first movie?? I can ftw

WHY WASN’T “LIKE ME BETTER” THEIR SONG???? I really thought it was a good song to be their song and they referenced it in the beginning. No offense to the “beginning middle and end” people, but i felt no attachment to that song.

they customized her phone. it looked like it was a 7 (idk rlly, i don't know crap abt iphones) but they customized it. Granted, I KNOW lara jean would be the one with the aesthetic background with color coded folder, but still- they did give her relevant apps. some to note include; tiktok, spotify, instagram, netflix, notes, messages, facetime, maps, whatsapp and the STANFORD APP?? whatever- i'm chill.

they did make lara jean make choices so that was good.

the prom ask?? That was cute. with the pancakes??

at the end when Peter played the song even though earlier he didn't like it?? I liked that. i liked that a lot. ok fine i more than liked that a lot. There are multiple texts where my friends are screaming at each other. In fact, 26 separate messages.

chris in general. granted, she was more present in the books, but i'll take what i can get.

some notable quotes by her, the queen

"I'm dead inside"

not wanting to do a gigantic walk down from the stairs and asking the boys not to turn around

peter said he liked lara jean's forehead kisses and that reminded me of emma chamberlain so that's a positive only bc of emma

I remembered that they were the class of 2021, and I'M class of 2021 and it just hit for a second.

my friend cried over their graduation but i felt nothing bc we're literally living in a pandemic and chances of me getting a real graduation?? we'll see

again, these are all just my opinion. my friend doesn't like the movie bc she says she's sad and bitter and seeing these cute couples makes her feel lonely but i'm just diappointed. the books were GOOD. they were gold.

there was so much they could’ve done with the movies, and i just feel like they didn’t deliver on anything. Jenny Han, i’m sorry. The movie overall, ik someone who cried about it and someone else who gave it 7/10. props for them but jeez i just wish for more.

ok but that’s the show folk. i mean, obviously everything i said was opinion and literally don’t listen to anything i’ve said. BUT. feel free to add what you hated or loved abt the movie too. thanks. i love you guys. “always and forever” :,)

p.s- omg not them ripping off taylor swift. jk jk. ok bye

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

Can I request how did I get so lucky with Levi? Please and thank you!😁

I really wrote hurt/comfort just like that once again i-

I really really loved writing this one, it's very different from a lot of things I've written before, I hope you like it

Warnings: none really, two Kuchels tho but I made sure you won't mix them up

Pairing: Levi/ reader

Tags: Modern au, hurt/comfort, daddy Levi strikes again

Caramel Apple

Levi's foot blocks the sleek vandyke brown door from opening more than a few inches. Your eyes flicker between him and in the interior, begging to get a glimpse of the very reason you find yourself at his door again but his mascular form doesn't allow you to see much, only the shadow of his black leather couch and a few grey and copper tiles from the fireplace. It only makes you sigh in frustration as your anger starts to boil inside of you.

You've always been adamant about never entering his home again and even though you're never about to break the rules you've set for yourself tonight feels like the last straw of your sanity has been pulled. Levi is purposely not offering you to get inside, counting on the fact that you won't ask for permission to enter anyways.

"Levi, seriously, I just want to see Kuchel." Your eyes glint with anger as you speak to him in a steady tone, trying to cover your anger in such a fake way.

His choice of words though never seems to mind your tormenting patience as he lifts the words slip off of the tip of his tongue "None can do for this weekend, I'm sorry!"

"What?" Your eyes widen, your hands slightly shake "Levi I haven't seen my daughter in a week!"

It's only natural of you to demand to see your little girl. For a week now Levi has been calling you back to back, every single night, announcing to you that Kuchel wanted to stay with him, that she misses him and that she won't stop crying at the hearing of having to part ways with her father. And even if the slight rejection of your motherhood by the five year old hurt you to the core you knew much better than to try and part the two. Your break up had indeed tortured her pour little soul; she was lost between having to stay at two different houses she was forced to adjust to two separate lifestyles and her attachment to her after was getting the best of her. She didn't even want to go to school if it wasn't Levi driving her there. You could only comply to her wishes.

"It's not my fault you have dates to go to." He never gives you a chance to reply though as his eyes bore into yours with the faintest tint of mischief. "I have the weekend off so I'm taking Kuchel to Disneyland."

Between wondering whether this was too far fetched and thinking about what clothes to pack for Kuchel, Levi felt panicked. His stoic mask didn't let him show any regards towards your barely visible face, but inside his heart sank to his stomach, leaving him feel numb.

It was the first time in the two years that you had broken up that he had ever done something so selfish to you. So far he had been the perfect co parent, picking up Kuchel almost everyday to drop her at her pre school, always making sure that your days with your daughter were arranged evenly. Overall there has been nothing you could negatively accuse him for and he's so proud of the profile he has kept.

In the last month he's been feeling so conflicted internally that it's become unbearable. He's been through miserable, never ending nights feeling alone and abandoned. You wouldn't bring yourself to understand, he knows that very well, so telling you is off the table. Though there nights he wants you and his daughter by his side, there are mornings he wants to wake up and see the two of you cuddled on the other side of the bed just like once before.

"I'm really going to have to ask you to leave." The sound of his tongue clicking is louder than the words that leave his mouth. As his eyes stare into yours with an unreadable feeling plastered on them you can feel that anger, the one that has been boiling in your stomach for so long, staring to eat away your insides. "Kuchel is asleep and I don't want her sleep disturbe-"

Your jaw drops and your words refuse to let go off your tongue. Any hopes of trying to remain civil tonight have been thrown out of the window because you're simply not having it. There's not much you can do from standing behind his front door though. No begging will ever even convince him to let down his guard and he'd be right. That was part of the reason you wouldn't enter his house amymore nonetheless.

"I miss my baby Levi, you're being so unfair!Doesn't Kou miss me?"

Levi flinches at the nickname. There's a restrain in his heart that won't allow him to speak of anyone in nicknames ever again and you're at fault, because every little thing in his life screams your fucking name and he despises it. Nowadays it's only him and Kuchel that seem to be on the same side.

"Her name is Kuchel."

He's so cynical that you might let out that salty tear -the one your left eye has tried so hard to push back- run down your cheek and stain your face. You can only endure so much refusal to see your baby's face. Her tiny voice in nowhere to be heard, her angelic face nowhere to be seen and you want to breakdown.

Why should Levi care, you're still puzzled as to why. The way you've treated him lately has been so brutal and he doesn't deserve it, you know he doesn't although your demons don't take anyone and anything into consideration. The small bleak of the door is symbolic to you, it's a gesture that he doesn't want to let you in, but he allows you to have a small leak of his grayscale paradise.

You shouldn't be in a place to beg with him since you are in the wrong. Kuchel isn't a doll that the two of you should play with, she's a lovely little girl with very real emotions who's trying to comprehend yours and Levi's bullshit. Your bullshit.

If Levi had it his way, you knew he'd keep Kuchel as far from you as he could and Kuchel would agree without a second thought.

Between his loud growls and your sobbing imitations you manage to wake Kuchel up for her peaceful slumber. Her little raven head peaks from the corner of the leather couch, hair sleek despite her sleeping position. It makes you groan how much she looks like him at every aspect of her life, personality and appearance alike. It is as if he had birthed her out of his womb, not you.

Maybe that is part of the reason you feel so strained away.

Or maybe it iss her unforgiving gaze that is identical to her father's.

She doesn't exactly sparkle when she sees you but you attribute that to her only having just woken up. A little fist rubs on her closed eye lid, sweeping a few eyelashes away. Levi makes sure to pick them up from her cheek when he takes her in his arms.

"Hey mommy!"

Her enthusiasm seems to grow on her as her eyes gradually open. You hadn't seen her face in a long, agonising week, her sight made you week to your knees.

"Hey baby, ready to go home?" You beam, pushing the tears away.

"No!" She pouts "Daddy will take me to Rapunzel's castle tomorrow!"

To her it was such a big deal. The promise to see her favorite princess and her prince, to fight the most evil Gothel with her squeeky little voice, it all excited her way too much. Although you're in no place to ruin their fun -Levi has the right to spend his time with Kuchel however he pleases- but you have to admit it hurts. A lot.

Wanting to go to Disneyland was your most vivid childhood dream. The scenery had always fascinated you, there were so many things you had always wanted to do. And Levi had promised, while he was driving you to the hospital once your water had broke, that he'd take you along with Kuckel.

You open your mouth to speak but words never really come out as you take your defeat in. Your heart's sinking, your knees want to give up on supporting your whole weight but just as you're about to collapse two familiar voices catch your attention.

"Oi runts, what's with the commotion?"

"Kenny! Be a little kinder, hey love!"

Your face suddenly drops lower than it's ever possible. In panic you wonder if staying still will guard you from the sights of Kenny and Kuchel, but you're absurdly reminded that could never be the case.

"Im here to pick Kou up." You whisper, ashamed to look any of the Ackermans in their eyes. They really had you cornered like a rat now.

"Ah, aren't you guys going to Disneyland this weekend?" Kuchel smiles as she greets you with eagerness.

At this point Levi is forced to open the door. It's only rude to keep his family standing in the hallway of his apartment complex because you're in the midst of having a small fight. You're not sure if you want to get in, though, he never allows you to.

"It's only me and Kuchel, mom. What made you think (y/n) was coming?"

Kenny huffs at the words, clicking his tongue in annoyance. "Trouble in paradise?" He rightfully earns a death glare from his sister. His legs shot up on the coffee table, catching Levi's attention. Your little girl mumbles something about the table turning dirty once again and Levi agrees, sparing her the tiniest of smugs.

"Look (y/n)," the ravenette's attention turns to you once again "I think you should go, were flying early tomorrow, I promise I'll make up for this whole week someway."

With gloom in your eyes you turn on your feet, ready to storm off of the hallway, and down to the elevator. If you're not wanted here then it's fine. With a kiss on little Kuchel's forehead, you tuck her strands behind her ear and whisper a soft goodnight to her. Levi's door closes too fast, too sharp, too humiliating to your person and at this, you can't help but finally breakdown. Your legs don't even drag you to the end of his hallway. With your back against the nearest wall you collapse, hit tears making their appearance on the corners of your eyes.

"Don't be a little bitch Levi, your brat is not a doll you two pass to eachother, in case ya didn't notice." Inside the apartment Kenny's words sting like a thousand yellowjackets launching onto Levi's skin, but only because the old man speaks the truth. He keeps the arrogant comment about the language that should be used around his daughter to himself, he's eager to listen what his mother had to say on the situation.

"I still don't even know the reason you're not together anymore."

He doesn't either. He can't bring himself to remember the exact reason you had fallen apart or why you had acted to cold towards him two months ago. In a haze, that's probably only for the worst he pops Kuchel into Kenny's uninviting arms and picks up a shift space with his matching.

If he's surprised by your vulnerable position on the hallway he doesn't ever show. His twitching eyebrows betrays the tint of worry in his expression but your trembling lip doesn't allow you to utter words just yet. It'd only when he swoops to your level, knees touching the cold tiles of the floor while his eyes look directly in your face. His calloused hand comes to bed your cheek in order to provide you some sort of comfort for your exhausted head and to wipe a salty tear with his thumb. He isn't ever really soft like that, but you come to believe it's been so long without him that you've forgotten about his compassionate side.

"How did I get so lucky to be loved by someone like you, and how was I so stupid to make us go through this?"

Your words are hurting you more than you want to admit to. It's unfair, how you want to come undone, how time and space cease to exist in the moment, how you don't feel like you can keep your heart's insides to yourself.

"Im so sorry I left that morning but I was so, so afraid." You continue.

It was no secret. That particular night you had shared two months ago, wrapped in his sheets like old times had sparked so many flames or reconciliation between the two of you. Be it that it was you who showed up at his door or him that took you in, be it that you did this because you missed every tiny aspect of him that it was overwhelming. You can't even pinpoint a reason as to why the two of you were so natural together. But you have thrown your only chance away. And he won't even let you in his home.

"I was too, beats me as to what I would have done if I was in your place." His voice is tinted in melancholy but paradoxically his steel orbs never once fall from yours. "But I've spent so much time being mad at you that I can't even remember why im feeling this way in the first place."

Your hand shoots to his chest, only to grab at his plain gray crewneck in an attempt to pull him closer, close enough that your foreheads collide. Onyx shaggy strands engulf your vision as your heavy breaths mingle and your thoughts are finally able to come through mouth.

"Who are you and what have you done to the Levi I know." A muffled giggle comes out of your cries and a blink-and-you'll-miss-it smug appears on Levi's face. It catches you by surprise, the way his face lots up from only just a second is an image you've tried you convince yourself to forget but your mind always finds a way to come back to it.

His hand comes to rest on your nape, trapping the hair underneath his grip as he leans to give a kiss to your forehead.

"We'll talk about everything with caramel poisoned apples with Kuchel alright?" Your eyes lit up at his statement, glistening tears threatening to fall once again from your eyes. "Tch, don't look at me like that of course I bought three tickets."

You miss the way his eyes widened as you engulf him tightly in your arms, closing the painful space that had been separating you up until a few seconds ago. Maybe you won't kiss just yet, this isn't a lust filled moment. It's a moment of putting a new brick at that wall of trust you had wrecked a few years ago. With that inevitable fate and love that brought you back to eachother no matter what and a lot of patience the two of you are going to make it work. No excuses this time.

Was this short, was this enough? I honestly don't know I enjoyed this one because for once I figured the ending as I went along. Reading your guys comments makes me feel really good so if you want to drop a comment (or a request) don't be shy. Thanks for reading, it means a lot💞

[dahliax]

Goddess of the Sun

Chapter Two

Description : Zuko x oc Dahila, Goddess of the Sun who was sent by the spirits crosses paths with Ursa, who changes her life forever.

Note : I started this fanfic for fun but now I like it. I haven’t posted fanfic in years but I thought it would be fun to start again. It’s obviously not amazing but I’m hoping to improve with practice. I’m also open to requests in my ask box preferably just Female!Reader x Zuko or Sokka (fluff, smut, oneshots, and headcannons are welcome). Right now I’m character building for the first few chapters soon we will get to the good parts :) Let me know what you think so far! 🌸 (im real soft so pls try not to be too mean)

Warnings : fluff, angst, eventual smut (in aged up chapters).

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑂𝑛𝑒꧂

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑇𝑤𝑜꧂

꧁𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑇ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒꧂ Coming Soon

10 years later

“But Zuko, what if I want to be the hero this time!?” Dahlia’s voice echoed through the palace gardens.

With a sigh Zuko turns “I guess you can play the hero this time. But I am NOT playing the princess,” Zuko finally said yes to the little girl standing in-front of him. She gasped and squealed and ran as fast as she could to give her best friend a big hug.

“Yay! But who will play the princess?”

“I will”

Dahlia and Zuko turned around to see where the voice was coming from. Azula.

Dahlia’s stomach dropped. Azula never played fair and someone always got hurt by the time she was ready to quit playing. “Zuko, maybe we should just play with the turtle ducks,” Dahlia whispered so only Zuko can hear but she was wrong. “Well it would only make sense.. I am a princess in real life.. I would be perfect for the role!” Azula slyly slips closer to them igniting the fear in Dahlia she was all too used to here at the palace.

“Okay then I can play the villain!” Zuko faked being excited. He shot Dahlia a soft look seeing in her eyes that she was scared. He hated seeing her this way, she was his best friend after all. This always made Azula jealous seeing her brother constantly playing with Dahlia instead of her like Ty Lee and Mai. Azula knew there was something off about Dahlia, why would her mother bring a random peasant baby into the palace? This made Azula’s blood boil even hotter, mapping out her attack plan quicker than Dahlia could even blink. She’s been dealing with this for too long. She had to end Dahlia.

Azula smirked and pushed out a huge ball of fire at Zuko and Dahlia. Zuko’s heart stopped, “hey! You know we don’t use fire outside of training and around Dahlia you know it’s not fair!” Zuko squeaked after diverting the fire. Dahlia’s heart sank, another reminder that she could never stand a chance against Azula without bending.

“Well Dahlia, you wanted to be the hero, now be one” Azula’s words were like venom in Dahlia’s heart, everyone knew she couldn’t stand a chance. “Don’t hurt anyone Azula” Zuko said lowly. “Now what makes you think I’d do that Zuzu? It’s just a friendly game” Azula smirked and threw another fireball at the two children. It was always fun and games until Azula showed up. Zuko diffused the fireball while Dahlia ducked only to see Mai and Ty Lee coming through the entrance of the gardens. She was in big trouble now.

Zuko was trying to make a plan in his head. But he knew he wasn’t as strong as Azula, she was so much farther in training than him. Before Zuko could think another thought Azula sent another blast knocking Dahlia and Zuko on their butts.

“Guards! Arrest this man!” Azula yelled at Ty Lee and Mai. They ran to Zuko before he could get up and wrapped his wrists with Mai’s hair ribbon. A blush crept up on Zuko’s face from Mai’s touch, he had a crush on her. Dahlia watched, she felt so helpless. The boy she had a crush on was entranced by another girl and her bully was standing right in-front of her waiting to attack.

Deep in Dahlia’s heart she’d hope Azula would show mercy to the little girl sitting there with tears welling up in her eyes. She had no way out. And Azula never showed mercy, she seen it as weakness. And as soon as Zuko looked over from Mai’s eyes a crack of lightning came from the sky and the most disturbing scream rang in Zuko’s ear drums.

Everyone’s heart stopped. But Dahlia continued screaming. Tears immediately hit Zuko’s eyes.

“Finally! My best move yet! Daddy will be so proud” Azula squealed and kicked Dahlia over on her side. Zuko was almost positive she was dead. There’s no way a regular 10 year old could survive but somehow she was still screaming. The fire in Zuko’s heart made him see red and he immediately destroyed the ribbon around his wrists, running over to Dahlia and cradling her head in his small hands.

“Dahlia are you okay?” Zuko managed to speak even though he could barely hear himself. Dahlia thrashed in pain, blood trickling out of her side. Zuko noticed the lighting marks crawling up her hip under the destroyed part of her kimono. His heart sank. She’d have this scar forever if she survives. Soon they could hear frantic foot steps coming from inside the palace. Zuko pushes up from his feet fuming, “Why would you do this?!”

“Azula!” Iroh and Ursa scream in unison seeing Azula above Dahlia giggling. “Look mom you’re going to be so proud! I can use lightening now!” Azula smirked brightly but Iroh and Ursa were less than impressed. Iroh had been visiting and Ursa wanted the kids to be on their best behavior but obviously Azula couldn’t let that get in the way of her plan.

“Get the healers immediately and prepare the royal hospital room,” Ursa quickly said to the guards. “The royal hospital room? She’s a peasant!” the guard talked back. Iroh’s eyes widened, “I don’t think it’s your place to be questioning her royal highness in such a situation. Now go.” Iroh said coldly. Ursa ran to the children trying to ignore the tears threatening to spill over. To say the least Dahlia was the daughter Ursa wished Azula was.

“Azula. Go see your father.“ Ursa had enough of Azula’s antics. And everyone knew if Ursa sent anyone to Ozai that they were in big trouble.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

Dahlia’s eyes finally fluttered open to see Ursa sleeping on the chair aside her. Dahlia panicked, she didn’t recognize where she was. Her eyes adjusted to see its the royal hospital room. She grabbed Ursa’s hand startling her awake. Tears lining Dahlia’s eyes as she remembered what happened. “I-I” she could barely speak, her throat felt like it was on fire from screaming, “I tho-thought I was going to die” she finally said with tears flowing down her cheeks like a waterfall. Ursa pulled her into a gentle hug minding her wounded side. “You’re safe now darling, I promise” she croaked out exhausted from crying and all the emotions the day brought.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

“You know Zuko would like to see you,” Iroh says to Dahlia while she scans the book he brought for her to read during recovery. “Oh no Iroh.. I look so terrible right now” the redness in her cheeks told Iroh all he needed to know. “Don’t worry ladybug, he told me he thought you’re the most beautiful girl in the palace” he said in hopes to lift her spirits. Somehow Dahlia’s face got even redder, “You’re only saying that to be nice” she said as she crossed her arms.

“Well he’s got a present waiting for you and I’m sure you’d like to see what it is,” Iroh teased. “That might be true but I know he doesn’t think I’m the most beautiful girl in the palace” she said stubbornly. Iroh chuckled, “How are you so sure?” he says challenging her stubbornness as usual. “He told me he likes Mai and that Ozai thought it was a good idea”

Iroh sighed, realizing how quickly these kids were growing up now that Ozai was preparing a wife to marry off to his son when he turns 18. He knew Ursa would have none of it. But now Iroh was confused, Zuko really did tell him that he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the palace. “I’m not lying to you Dahlia, I’m not sure why he would change his mind” but they both knew why. Even if he chose Dahlia the nation believes she’s a simple peasant with no bending abilities who just got lucky. But Iroh knew one day the secret would come out.

“Ladybug, how things are now are not how they will always be. Your destiny is your own not Ozai or Azula can change it. Now, would you like some jasmine tea?” He says getting up to grab the pot. “Yes please! Can you mix the camomile in?” she says excitedly. “Zuko will be out of training soon. I told him to stop by” Iroh said and Dahlia just let out a loud huff, too tired to argue any further.

ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ

"Zuko! You're in luck..the tea just finished..How was training?” Iroh said getting the cups ready for them “Fine I guess. It’s weird not having Azula there though,” 

Dahlia almost questioned why Azula wasn’t there but then she saw that Zuko was hiding something behind his back. A blush rose to her cheeks. ‘He really did bring me something’ she thought. Iroh nodded at Zuko and said, “Oh I must have forgotten my cup. Excuse me for a moment.”

Dahlia wanted to crawl in a hole. She knew Iroh did that on purpose.

“So how are you feeling?” Zuko said walking closer to the hospital bed. “Fine I guess. I can’t walk yet.” she said sadly which made Zuko feel a pain in his heart. “I’m sorry I didn’t do better. I failed at protecting you. But I hope these fire lilies make you feel better” he said sweetly. Dahlia’s jaw dropped, the only place you can get pink fire lilies near the palace was to hike the the Eagle’s Volcano. Her lack of response made Zuko falter, “Do you hate them? I-I’m sorry it was stupid-“ “No no! I love them! They’re perfect..” she trails off admiring their rare color.

Zuko was feeling pretty used to rejection. All the gifts he got for Mai she hated. He was tired of trying to impress her for his father even if he had a tiny crush on her because he had a bigger, deeper crush on Dahlia that’s been lingering in his heart for as long as he could remember. She was the most beautiful, fun girl he knew and now that he was alone with her he was going to do something about it.

“You know where they would look perfect?” he said touching the soft petals “Where?” she replied looking into his honey filled eyes as he pulled a flower out of the bouquet. “In your hair,” he said as he pushed her hair behind her ear and placed the flower in her long brown hair. Just as she relaxed into Zuko’s touch, the door opened. “I brought an extra guest for tea, I hope you don’t mind” Iroh announces as Ursa follows in behind him.

The smiles on their faces were priceless, they knew exactly what was going on. “Well don’t you look just like a beautiful doll,” Ursa gushed and pressed a kiss to both the children’s heads. Both of them blushing like mad.

I hope you guys liked this chapter!! idk how I feel about it yet! Requests are open! I wanted to let everybody know that any suggestions are welcome!! Totally helps out when I get overwhelmed with ideas!!

Taglist: @darkskin-buttercup @marvels-gurl @haylaansmi

[epic-sorcerer]

Fuck

(Tw antiblackness)

Okay so when I was 11 my mom read this book to me about the 5 Chinese personality elements. Ever sense then I was fascinated by it and wanted to create OCs of my own to respresent them.

Bc my adhd can cause weird motivation and memory, I cared only with developing characters and story lines and slowly forgot the actual sorce material.

When I first started, I decided to focus more on story and not on character disign. Because mostly I took inspiration from vocaloid songs(you can tell this was a while ago) I decided to make them all Japanese so I could narrow their look way down compared to shapeless blobs in my mind.

Years past and I decided I didn’t like this anymore. I was ready to do the complete opposite and have a very diverse cast of characters. My strategy was to chose a culture in any where in the world, at any time, that most prioritized and valued what each element had to give and generally imbodied. Especially bc I wanted each character to be the most extreme form of their elements and often invisioned each character to be a political representative for each colony of element.

I good way to put this in perspective is to imagine I was making a communism OC so I made them Chinese or USA American. Basically that would chosenthose cultures bc it is something it generally is really extreme about and is known for.

My first real character disign was fire. I made her a Scottish pict, as I could give her red hair and have her be her full passionate and chaotic self.

All the other ones are up in the air. But I realized that it would be really cool to make tree be an African person with a 4c type Afro and a long and skinny body type. That’s the most tree like I could have made someone! I was so happy and got really attached to my black tree character. I new that Africa was huge and old, and that’s not even counting the West Indies. Of course I could find a culture that was tree-like. All I needed to do was look.

All of this screeched to a hault today. I decided to look up the tree personality after years and years and was met with something heart breaking.

Aggressive, angry, reckless, arrogant, etc. this reminds me of the angry black stariotype mixed with the newer unreasonable blm protester one.

I’m unsure if I’m being too paranoid or if I’m being reasonable when I say that I’m not sure if I can make tree black. Even though the negitive descriptions are for when tree is unbalanced, it still doesn’t make it okay imo.

From a writers perspective, it makes snese to start characters at when they are unbalanced, because then it’s an easy wrote to character development. Even if I don’t do this, I have no choise but to make this character aggressive sometimes if I truly want to stay true to Tree.

For perpective here’s the other elements’ triats from Wikipedia

Fire also is aggressive. And also waters positive and negative traits are opposites. Earth is a mix of all elements so im imagining earth may also be aggressive when unbalanced. Do you think I can make this work or should I change tree’s race?

Fire is a white Celtic. And I’m unsure what culture I want earth to belong to. I’m thinking of making water be a Samoan(not sure what time period), metal is still Japanese for now but I am unsure if that still fits my change in casting intentions so that’s probably going to change. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m only really going to have one white character, bc I want the cultures to be spread out throughout the map.

I know black people are often forced to constantly be on their toes in turns of wether or not something is anti black and if they are unsafe in that environment. I’m not black, but I belong to multiple minority groups and I understand that feeling to a terrifying degree. The last thing I would want is to make a choise that resembles anti black caricatures and put black poeple in the position of wondering if I dislike them or if they are unsafe around me.

I understand that feeling, and I don’t want to put poeple throguh taht. I still want to have a super inclusive cast, but I’m also aware that I have to be very careful as a white writer. Even though my intentions were good, I accidentally associated a black character with aggressiveness and that’s extremely hurtful. I’m also aware that if I represent a black character well, it can be uplifting to a black audience that I took so much care to learn about an African culture and put it in a positive light.

I remember when I was a baby gay and I came across this channel run by a cishet who dedicated a large protion of his videos to calling out lgbt phobia and premoting the idea that we deserve to have rights and to feel safe and happy as who we are. I was in awe a cishet would do taht for us and felt personally touched. I want to be able to do something that other people feel that same way about, because it’s truly a beutiful thing.

So...where do I go from here? Do I change trees race to a different one? Please be honest. I know I say I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, but that dosnt mean you can’t criticize me. It only means taht you have to be careful and not angry. I truly want to make this story the best it can be, and I want to know if I’m doing the right thing if I change tree’s race to something else. 

I want all people to feel safe while experiencing my work(idk if it will be a book or what, it’s very early in development).

I have no intention on making tree a villain, instead a good character who is the sweetest person you can meet. I feel like I would make fire much more angry and aggressive bc of the Scottish pict emphasis on war and and never backing down, to make my intentions clear.

But even then, that doesn’t change that tree is so connected to anger. And I’m not sure how I can work with that so if doesn’t seam like an anti black stariotype

Anger, anger, anger. I don’t knwo what to do. Please help, preferably black users because yall definitely know heaps more about this than me as a white person.

Please knwo that I mean well, and I’m never intended to make my tree character black if I remembered how heavily it’s associated with anger. All I remembered was the optimism and happiness, as I am sensitive to negativity and my brain probably forgot about the dark side of tree on purpose when I was 11 and didn’t even think of making tree black. I’m so disappointed in myself and I promise you I can do better. I just need some guidance. I’m sorry to anyone I may have let down. I hope I can grow form this and make this story the best it can be.

Edit: I think it’s also nessissary to note that the positive triats are for when the person is in balance or in a good head space, the negative ones for the opposite. That’s why the negative and positive triats seam like opposites, bc that’s what they are. Idk if I made that clear so I’m adding it now!

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

[nvrissa]

hello laid ease and furries ( u know who u are )......hahaha....are u ready for this ? zimzalabim ! my name is xan ( she/her pronouns ) and my laptop has been broken for a good 3 years now i have to use an onscreen keyboard so if u see me typing for 20000 years on discord only to send u a single sentence u know whats up x JSDBJWBJW here is the intro....im really winging this no one call me out for that WOOO....tw: medication, mental health, body image ? perhaps just to be safe <3

ok ! so im not gonna talk too much abt family stuff bc yuno and i are doing the collab of the century here and art takes time people ! JSBDJBWDJW but so u get a good idea...i will write a little abt it lets get it 

so the kwons were two of the biggest faces in hollywood ( and tbh they are still considered icons / hollywood royalty no matter how old they get they stay #Relevant ) think bradgelina ! literally everyone knows who the kwons if u dont u probably live under a rock /: 

their parents are very into the fame thing...so when it came to their kids ( nari and wolfe ) they SUPER pushed the famous life onto them, really expecting both of them to be just as obsessed and enamored by the public. idk if u guys ever say that vid of gigi and bella hadid before they were huge were their mom was pressuring them both to get into modeling and to stay skinny and to be stars etc....it was kinda like that !

so narissa, being the first born, really just internalized that shit...like imagine being told ever since u were a baby that fame and status and ur last name are wildly important and not being able to remember a time when u werent being watched by cameras / a third party ( the public ) bc that was her life ! nari has....no experience as to what life is like without cameras and without having to create this image of herself that ppl are gonna be into 

obviously that’s NOT normal....and it had it’s toll on her /: as a kid she grew up so fast like u know those kids that seem so mature and wise for their age ? that was nari. she always had two versions of herself: inside nari vs outside nari. she was so good at being good just bc she knew what stuff to express and what stuff to keep inside ( spoiler alert: most of it was kept in x )  

she is still very much desperate to please her parents despite it all /: i feel like for a long time she kinda excepted and agreed that fame is everything ( hence why shes known for using her last name to get her places ) but shes starting to realize just how FUCKED it all is and just how much it’s messed her up so stay tuned for more fun !

ok so career stuff ! nari started off as a child model bc she was um super cute and super good at knowing what to do / not freaking out in front of cameras <3 but she was always obsessed with actors ! she used to sit in front of the tv for hours legit study and memorize ppls mannerisms and various movie lines.. she was literally always just quoting random lines / imitating various actors so often her parents were like ok word go act !    

she landed her first role at 12 and it was a pretty huge role as a lead chara in a mini television series that revolved around a cast of kids ( think stranger things but not plot wise just how some of the mains were kids ) with zero acting experience before hand ... so it was pretty clear to the media nari got the spot bc she was a kwon ! there was a bunch of controversy around the show before it came out but once it was released...there was no denying nari had talent

after that it was just a whirlwind of acting doors opening up for her. everyone wanted nari bc of her last name and all the attention that came from it, not to mention every director wanted to be The One that helped narissa kwon become one of the most famous actresses of the 21st century. most of the time she was getting cast for selfish reasons but nari never realized it /: she was just happy to be acting bc it really was like therapy for her to become different ppl

flash forward to age 15 when narissa was finally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and was prescribed meds to help ! it was actually a director from a movie she was working on that suggested to her parents nari might be struggling after witnessing her have a panic attack on set. not wanting a scandal, her parents agreed it was best to get her “help” which included pills and weekly therapy ! 

so nari actually didnt mind it too much tbh she HAD been struggling for a while she just assumed her anxiety was normal and just like something all famous ppl were dealing with but that wasnt the case. she was hesitant to open up to her therapist just bc she was still obsessed with this idea of inside nari vs outside nari, and she was very scared to cross that line so it took....years of sessions to build up that trust

as she got older though and as she got more famous, everyone just assumed she was better. she was more famous and loved by the day, she had become a chanel ambassador ( thank u jennie x ), her interviews on youtube always brought in record views, she’d started in plenty of movies critics agreed would become cult classics, her social medias were nearing kardashian level in terms of followers: everything was on track....

....except nari had actually never been more unstable. she had become so dependent on her meds she couldnt go anywhere or talk to anyone without popping a few in. all the watching eyes were starting to make her paranoid, not to mention the pressure from her parents ( who couldn’t be happier with nari being so famous ) was at its all time high. she had been nominated for an oscar at 21 and everyone was expecting her to win...and then she didnt

narissa kwon famously fainted at the 2018 oscars after it was announced she had lost the award. her actual fainting wasnt caught on camera or televised, but it WAS witnessed by some of the most relevant names and faces in hollywood who were in that room. the scandal took the media by storm, the hashtag #getwellnarissa trending for over 42 hours until a statement was released she had fainted bc of dehydration and other undisclosed causes and that she was okay & currently taking it easy at home surrounded by family 

in reality it was the abuse of her medication as well as all the stress, but when your last name is kwon manipulating the press is as simple as making the right phone call. unfortunately for nari and her parents, the article about the brat pack came out a week later, and there was no manipulating that source /:

for narissa, it was all a wake up call. she decided to go off her anxiety meds altogether. after falling out with the brat pack she spent that year trying to figure out who she was separate from her fame and her last name. despite some offers from a few casting directors ( surprisingly some people still wanted her despite the scandals bc she was still a kwon, after all ) narissa rejected every role except one in a coming of age indie movie that explores womanhood and mental health as well as strained relationships with mothers. the movie is set to release sometime mid august hehe (~:

she agreed to come to milan to reunite with the brat pack bc she’s still searching for herself ! nari figures the people who quite literally grew up with her might give her some answers......not to mention there is still a part of her who is desperate to reclaim the image and status she had before everything fell apart </3    

PERSONALITY/TIDBITS

narissa is....complicated to say the least. growing up in front of the cameras and in a family who prioritized fame and outside opinions of you as the most important thing, she is quite literally desperate for praise and approval. because she legit has no idea what parts of her are real and what parts of her she’s created for her public persona, she often looks for understanding in others!! shes very very good at analyzing people and understanding people in the hopes that its gonna make her better at analyzing herself, but to no avail. 

libra sun capricorn moon !! THIS is super accurate and telling if u wanna read but i kinda just summarized it in the last bullet

she is such a perfectionist with everything she does and a bit of a control freak in the sense that if she’s not the one doing something, she doesnt have faith whatever that is will be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. directors are often concerted with nari bc whenever she gets big roles.....she is so hard on herself, often asking for take after take bc she monitors every little thing abt her expression or her movements. she’s often left frustrated and disappointed with herself bc again, her standards are SUPER unrealistic ):

she’s relatively sweet!! growing up with the brat pack they probably knew her as the life of the party, very bubbly, confident, and very easy to have fun with as long as you’re being tolerable. however, she can get kind of opinionated at times so it’s very hard for you to gain her trust and respect back if you lose it. she’s also prone to random mood swings / periods of isolation, but whenever she returns its with a big smile and a soft voice assuring you everything is okay 

very good at lying and deceiving ppl but she hardly ever does it on purpose ( unless her publicists asks her too ). she’s carried this persona / public image of herself curated for consumption from others for so long, sometimes she has no idea when she’s being sincere or if she’s just convincing herself she’s being sincere. most of the time she only deceives other people about herself. she can come across as kind of elusive because of this ( think daisy from gatsby’s perspective ) but it’s not on purpose. she just legit has no true sense of self isnt that sexy?

speaking of sex. JWDBJWBDJWBD she also uses that as a coping mechanism / a weird affirmation that yes, she IS wanted by others and yes she IS seen as someone beautiful and that she IS something to be consumed by others ( like i said in my tags....male fantasies male fantasies ) but then at the same time she feels guilty abt this and so unsatisfied and disgusted at how she’s living her life as an object / manifestation of other people’s projections rather than as a normal person...rip </3 its a cycle

ever since her relationship with micah that was so hated by the public it actually ruined and ended their relationship, nari has been too scared to publicly have a relationship again. the media seems to love seeing her on casual dates with other stars, but not to see her tied down to one person, as that kind of “damages” this super accessible persona she’s put out ( think idols and why they cant date )  

she loves poetry, french music, all of marilyn monroe and audrey hepburn’s movies, nonfiction essays abt womanhood and identity, anything chanel, is particularly fond of silk dresses but is partial to velvet as well, wears lacy bralettes under everything bc it makes her a little more confident, actually prefers large parties to small ones because small gatherings are more personal therefore give her more anxiety, would only eat fruit and drink champagne if she could live like that, doesn’t know how to swim so she’s scared of the ocean as well as the dark, used to study ballet as a kid and misses it terribly, doesn’t know how to drive and isn’t planning to learn, can be materialistic at times, is probably an introvert masquerading as an extrovert for 22 years now, the only movies she cant stand are westerns, loves to travel but is scared of flying, doesn’t drink coffee, and is allergic to nuts. 

last but most important fact about narissa is that she loves her brother wolfe more than anything in this world so messing with him is the only way nari is bound to 100% hate you. she can bully him all she wants ( ex. starting very real rumors he IS in fact a furry ) but no one else is aloud to actually be mean to him or she will kill you

also very random but i had a hc that when she was 6 and her pet cat jinx died she caused enough fuss at home her parents actually made it a national holiday in about thirteen different states. the anniversary of this death is december 4th and yes . the brat pack better mourn jinx with nari every year......

pls spare plots im sorry this is so long.....JBDJBWJDBWJBWDJBJ i promise it will be worth it also im sensitive and very small ... how can u say no ? 

[allthefandomloveandimagines]

❤️I SHIP YOU WITH JAIMIE LANNISTER ❤️

I ship you with Jaimie Lannister because you seem to have a firm moral compass which is something he struggles with. Your ability to act on the things you like (such as dancing & being outside) is something that draws him to you. I imagine you working best with Jaimie when he is younger (while he lives on casterly rock) and him being taken by you.

So without further ado.... ❤️Story time❤️ this is set with young Jaimie before Cersei is married off❤️

You were betrothed to the nephew of Tywin Lannister

It was a marriage proposal you house had prayed for and something you dreaded

The Lannister family was nothing good as far as you were considered

The proposal wasn’t in person, or at least the first one wasn’t

You parents had come to tell you that a letter had come asking for your hand

And that a party would be held at casterly rock to celebrate your acceptance

The only problem is

You didn’t accept

You parents did it for you and you defiantly didn’t agree

You tried to fight the idea of marrying into that family and begged your parents to reconsider forcing you to go

They only shut you down, packed your dresses and forced you on the ship

They tried to make you feel better by describing the party to you but even dancing didn’t sound fun to you

When you arrived at casterly rock you were taken straight to a room where you were to prepare for the party

Your ladies brushed and pinned your hair up and added small amounts of makeup to your face

The women tending to you knew that you would fight them if they put a completely constricting dress on you

So instead they decided to slip you into a gorgeous light f/c dress with an open flowy bottom and a corset top

You smile and one of the girls winks at you before fluffing up the bottom of your dress

“Your parents said they would like you down in 30 minutes. They are meeting with the Lannister’s now and the party has started.”

You frowned and looked out the window

“You will have to come down eventually my dear.” One of the said quickly

You sigh and motion for them to leave

And they do

You walk to the window and look out at the setting sun

You had no intentions of going to that party

Night had had fallen and you found yourself wandering about outside

You looked at the garden and the stone structures that guarded the island

There were guards scattered around in high towers and by doorways but they didn’t look as threatening as you expected

None of them paid you much attention which brought you a little relief

That just meant you parents weren’t looking for you yet

You could hear music coming from the heart of the island and you wandered closer

You still didn’t want to attend the party

But you knew you didn’t have to be in there to enjoy the sounds coming from it

You stood outside the Lannister home, off to the side swaying to the music by the edge of their garden

You felt a little weird dancing alone outside in the dark

But you figured no one would see you anyway

So what’s to stop you

You carefully removed your shoes and placed them neatly on the stone floor

You then picked up the edges of your dress and began to twirl about

The more you focused, the louder the music seemed to get

And the more pleases you were

You had always loved dancing out late with your friends

Without the adults, without being judged

It was something you knew you’d probably never do again

After all, you’d eventually have to marry the poor sucker who was in there waiting for you to make an appearance

You did a large twirl, letting the soft fabric of your dress create a full colorful circle around you before watching it gracefully skirt the floor

You continued dancing for what only seemed like minutes but had to have been hours

Suddenly a crunch by the bushes behind you stopped you in your tracks

You gasped and stopped

You could see a male figure only feet from you

He was young, like you, but you couldn’t make out his features in the dark

“Who are you?” You ask defensively

Looking at the door to see if you had a clear shot if you had to run

“I’m sorry, just avoiding the party I’m afraid.” He seemed to grin “I’m not one for crowds”

You agreed with him there

And he was invited to the party, so you naturally assumed he wouldn’t hurt you

“Do you dance?” You ask abruptly

He’s caught off guard and looks around and scratches his head

“No I’m afraid I’m not quite good at-“

“But it’s no fun dancing alone. Are you rejecting me?” You ask cocking you head

“Well I wouldn’t want to do that”

“Good,” you step forward and carefully take his hand, “it’s easy, I’ll show you” you place his second hand on your waist and gently soothe him in to moving with you

He picks up clickly and it’s obvious he has had to do this before

It’s not long till he almost seems to be doing it better than you

You step on his toe which causes him to pull back

“I’m so sorry!” You whisper shout giggling

“It’s fine!” He laughs back and takes your hand again “I have a sister who I swear does that on purpose”

“She sounds awful” you flash him a toothy grin and do a little twirl “round two?” You bow slowly and he follows suit before placing his hand back on your waist

Of course

You two danced as long as the songs continued and when the Rhythm slowed you found yourself inches from his lips

The soft sound of violins placed in the background and a single beam of moonlight illuminated the right side of his face and the left of yours

You looked eye contact and slowly held eachother while swaying to the dying violin notes

And without another thought

You both leaned forward and sealed a gentle kiss

When you both opened you eyes, smiles invaded your pink cheeks

“Well” you said quietly

“I’d say this was quite some party” he took a step back and held out his hand

“People will be leaving soon, shall we continue our dance in the courtyard?” He smiles and the moon lights up him up entirely

You study his gentle yet sturdy features and strong eyes

You reached your hand out to take his when you noticed his well groomed golden hair

“Wait, What is your name?” You didnt move your hand any further and ceased all other movement

“Well it’s-“ he started and you quickly cut him off

“Are you a Lannister?” You half heartedly shouted

“Um, yes, my name is Jaimie, im the son of-“

“Tywin Lannister.” You finished, and took note of your heavily beating heart. “This is bad.” You look around in a panic

“Bad? I know my family has quite the reputation but-“ he seemed a little hurt and confused

“It’s not your fault!” You snapped at him and felt pity for the boy “it’s mine, I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have hid from the party, I shouldn’t have kissed you.” Tears started to fill your eyes

“If my parents find out what I’ve done” you hold a hand over your mouth to muffle your cries

“Surely, they will understand! Can’t I speak to them? Can you give me a name... or?” He desperately stepped forward and tried to help

But you pushed him away and listened to the sounds of people coming close to the door

“I have to go.” You grabbed your shoes, picked up the front of dress and took off around the back of the gardens, trying to avoid any leaving party attendants

You succeed in making it back to your room and you immediately throw your shoes across the room and run to the mirror

You look at your pink cheeks and smeared makeup

“Why did this have to happen to me.” You watched the tears fall freely down your face

You heard heavy footsteps down the hall and knew it had to be your parents

Without a second thought you threw yourself into your bed and curled up in the blankets pretending to be asleep

You the door swung open but your prents said nothing

“Of course! There she is!” Your father hissed stepping beside your bed

You held your breath and remained silent

“Look at her dear, she’s exhausted. I bet she wasn’t feeling well. She can’t avoid the young man forever. “ she placed a hand on your forehead

“She’s warm dear. She at least seemed to get dressed. You can assume she planned on going”

Your mom brush a strand of hair out of your face and escorted your father out of the room

They must have had a good night because they typically weren’t that understanding

The next morning was rough

Your ladies in waiting were on you as soon as the sun reared it’s head up from the ground

One of them practically had to drag you from the bed

You were not having it after the bad night you had

It wasn’t all bad, in fact, it was one of the best nights you had ever had. But if Jaimie figured out who you were

And told

You life would be over

The marriage would be terminated, you would be shamed

And you parents would never forgive you

You couldn’t live with the reprocussions

You were prepared and cleaned up for the day and hastily met you parents for breakfast

You knew you’d have to play the sick card in order to squeeze you way out of trouble with you soon be husband and his family

When you arrived downstairs in the large dining area all eyes were on you

You gave a weak smile and courtsied

You parents ran to your side and introduced you and listed off your accomplishments since before you had arrived

Tywin raised a brow and your betrothed smoothly moved in

“It is an honor to see you my lady, and in good health.” He kissed you hand and stepped back

You nodded and thanked him for forgiveness for your lack of attendance at the party

He forgave you immediately and took a seat at the table

He was younger than you expected and quite ill mannered

He immediately tore food apart and did not bother to keep food on the table where it belonged

It wasn’t long until his mother appeared and scolded him for his behavior

She brought along two other young Lannister’s

Two of which Tywin immediately stood up and introduced

“These are my two children, Cersei and Jaimie. “ they both bowed and tools their seats

You did everything you could to avoid looking at Jaimie

But naturally he took a seat beside you, not realizing who you were

“Welcome to casterly rock my lady.” He flashed a smile while Tywin and your father struck up a conversation

“Thank you” you mumbled quietly

“I know that voice,” he quickly looked down at you and you look back at him with eyes

“Do you?” Cersei snapped from across the table

You both look at her

All attention turned to the two of you

Tywin, your parents, the little lord you were to marry...

“Perhaps not.” Jaimie looked down and took a shaky breath

“No, have you two met before?” Tywin hissed, “perhaps last night when you weren’t at the party?�� Jaimie looked up at him with pleading eyes

“I’ll give you a head start.” Cersei whispered to you from across the table “10 seconds.”

You furrowed you brows

What was she talking about

“No father, I told you I stepped out to get some air.” Jaimie shot out

“Alone?” Tywin inquires

“Wasn’t y/n sick and alone last night?” Cersei added

She looked back at you “five”

You heart started racing

“Is that so?” Tywin barked

“She would never do something questionable!” Your parents shot out immediately

“How dare you accuse her of being anything but loyal!” Your father clenched his fist and you could feel how nervous Jaimie was

“Did you tell your sister.” You growled in an almost silent tone

“No. I didn’t she was upstairs when I-“ he stopped and both of you watched Cersei play with her food

“Up stairs where?” You growled again

“Probably—outside”

“Where we were.” Cersei looked up and gave you a wicked grin

“3.” She Leaned forward and looked at Tywin

“They were there together.” All eyes were on Cersei and she was loving it

“I saw it myself.” Everyone at the table made horrendous noises and the little lord pushed back in his chair

“And they shared a kiss.” Cersei’s eyes focused in on you

“This is outrageous!” He shouted

“1.” Cersei looked at her dad

“How dare you bring your harlot here” Tywin hissed standing at the foot of the table

Your father had your arm in an instant and pulled you from your chair

You looked desperately at Jaimie

His face was filled with guilt

You didn’t say anything you just looked at him

“Leave before I have the guards do it for you!” Tywin shouted

You turned and briskly exited the building while your parents tried to plea in your name

You didn’t wait for them and in fact

You started to run

And you couldn’t stop

Tears flooded your eyes as they had done the night before and you found yourself and the docks alone

“What has happened?!” You screamed at the water

Footsteps cam in quickly beside you

You grabbed a paddle from the ground and swiftly turned around holding it out

“Stay away!” You screamed

It was Jaimie, looking as gentle as the night before

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know she-“

“What, that she was there? Or that she would do this? I’m ruined!” You threw the paddle at him and walked to the edge of the dock where a little boat waited floating by itself

“I should run.” You looked down longingly at the boat

“You could.” He said quietly

You turned and looked at him “I had a great time last night”

“I did too.” He looked back into you eyes with sympathy

“Why do things like this have to happen?” You asked

He stepped forward and closed the space with you

You gazed into his eyes

“I have to leave don’t I?” He took your hand while you tried to have a conversation with him

“Jaimie, I have to leave, don’t I?” He just looked at you

“Please tell me. Tell me to go.”

“Your parents can convince my cousin it was an accident. They can tell him you thought I was my cousin. They could believe him. That’s probably what is happening now.” Jaimie focused on your eyes

“But.” You furrowed your brows

“But, Cersei will not let you go. She’s different, my sister, she will do everything in her power to get rid of you.” Jaimie bit his lip

“What? That’s crazy! Why would she-“

“I don’t know. You should go. She will get you killed.” Your heart sank, your stomach tightened and your breathing got heavier

“Where do I go? What do I do?”

Jaimie pulled a large pouch from his belt and placed it in your hands

“It’s all gold peices.” You saw the look in his eye

He knew there was no other option

You spent a long moment on the dock together but not much else was said

Your simple Night if defiance had changed your life forever and though you thought maybe you should stay with your parents, if Jaimie was right about Cersei

It would have been only a matter of time

You did escape

And found yourself actually enjoying your life in Westeros

It was much more welcoming than you had hoped and you thought about what your life would have been like at casterly rock

You had made the right decision

But you missed that night with Jaimie

You missed Jaimie

You only knew him so shortly but there was a lot to that young man

Maybe you’d see him again

[mychemicalimagines]

Wolves, Imprints, Babies! Oh My! (1) Paul Lahote

Summary: Melissa Black grew up knowing that the Legends are true but what happens if they happen during her generation! Is she safe? What happens when she gets imprinted on by The Hothead of the Pack

Melissa Black is played by Victoria Justice and Nina Dobrev for Gif purposes. I know they’re not tan but please go with it. You can picture Melissa how ever you want!

Tags: @supernova1737 , @anjana-fandoms28

Warnings: Cussing

**=indicates Pack thoughts

- - = indicates sign language

La Push Washington. Home to 372 people. What other people don’t know about La Push is that its home to the Spirit Warriors. Our tribe, the Quileute Tribe, believe that the Spirit Warriors are just legends that my father tells. That is not the case. My great grandfather, Ephraim, was the Alpha of his pack and pasted down the knowledge to his son who pasted it to my father, Billy. We keep it secret from the family. So my younger sisters, who moved away last year, and my little brother Jacob don’t know. The only reason I know is because my dad told me since my brother is suppose to be alpha I had to watch for signs. I noticed it was true one day when my best friend Sam Uley phases last year, right in front of me! We were at his girlfriend, Leah’s, house and Sam got a call from his father saying he was coming to town and wanted to see Sam. Leah said he should. Sam and I disagree with her.

Flash Back

“No Leah! He has years to try and see me! Just because I graduated last week doesn’t mean I should become his perfect son! He didn’t want me!” Sam snaps at her.

“Your mom just left you! You need someone else to help you besides me!” Leah yells.

“Leah! Just because his mom left doesn’t mean he’s alone! He does have me and you! His dad shouldn’t try to come around after so many years!” I snap taking Sams side.

Leah wasn’t there every time Joshua tried to come into Sam’s life then suddenly left.

“Shut your fucking mouth Melissa! No one is talking to you!” Leah yells at me.

“Hey! Just because she’s agreeing with me doesn’t mean you can yell at her,” Sam snaps loudly. His body starts to shake.

“The only reasons she’s agreeing with you is because she wants to sleep with you!” Leah yells. “She’s a no good slut!”

Sam starts shaking more.

I look over at him, “Sam, we need to leave.”

“No-“

I grab his arm and pull him outside and into the woods.

“You’re my best friend! You were there for me for years! How dare she say anything bad about you!” Sam snaps as he paces. He shakes even harder. I take a few steps back and grab my cell phone to call my dad. Sam suddenly explodes and is a black wolf.

“Oh my God,” I whisper.

Sam looks at me then down and jumps, seeing his paws. I call my dad and he and Harry, Leah’s dad, help him phase back. It takes a few days but he does phase back. I never leave his side. My dad explains everything to us. We join the council since we’re of age and Sams the Alpha.

Flash Back Over

I’ve been on a trip to visit a friend in a another town. I’ve been gone for a month so as i drive back I call Sam.

“Hello?”

“Sammy” I say smiling.

“Melissa! Hey! When are you coming home?” he asks excitedly. “You’re not allowed to leave anymore!”

“Why not?” I laugh, “Did you miss me?”

“Yes actually. Emily can’t cook and 2 guys phases since you’ve been gone” Sam says laughing.

“Really? 2 guys?” I asked shocked.

“Yeah. Jared Cameron and Paul Lahote” he says.

“They hung out in the same group we did, didn’t they?” I ask.

“Jared did. Paul was more into sports,” Sam says. “They just graduated. They phased because the Cullen’s are back in town.”

“Of course they are,” I sigh. “Well did you talk to them?”

“Yes ma’am,” Sam says sarcastically.

I giggle, “I’m almost to your house so i’ll make lunch when i get there.”

“You’re in town!! Emily! Get out of the kitchen! Melissa’s almost here!” Sam yells to her.

“Really? Finally!! I don’t see how she can cook all the time! It’s exhausting!” Emily yells to him with relief.

“I’ll see you soon.” I giggle and hang up.

10 minutes later I pull into Sams driveway. I hear running and I step out of my car laughing when Sam runs out.

“Mel!” he yells.

“Sammy!” I yell back.

He runs to me and hugs me, picking me up.

I laugh harder.

“I missed you too Sam,” I smile.

He puts me down.

“I missed your cooking. Please make lunch, we’re starving.” he says desperately.

“You wolves and your appetites.” I nod laughing, “Alright, alright!”

I walk inside and straight into the kitchen.

“Hey Emily!” I say happily.

“Mel!” she runs over and hugs me tightly.”

“Okay Em, go sit down. I’ll cook,” I giggle and start cooking fried chicken.

2 hours later, I hear male laughter and foot steps coming inside.

“Jared, Paul,” Sam says. “This is Melissa Black.”

I turn around.

Paul’s Point of View

I look over to the kitchen and I see a beautiful girl turn around and walk over.

“Hi, I’m Jared,” Jared says putting his hand out for her to shake.

“Hi, you guys can call me Mel,” She says.

Wow, her voice is angelic. Wait why am I thinking this? She turns to me.

“You must be Paul,” she says putting her hand out.

I step forward and shake her hand and I look her in the eye and suddenly everything changes. Gravity doesn’t hold me to earth anymore. She does. I see our first kiss, us walking on the beach holding hands, me proposing, getting married, her pregnant. Woah, she’s so beautiful.

I snap out of it and she’s staring at me, “are you okay?” she asks.

I look over at Sam and he sighs and looks down. I look at Emily and i see her scars. What if I do that to Mel? I can’t do this.

“Excuse me,” I say to Melissa and I run outside.

I hear Sam say, “i’ll be back,” and I run into the forest and phases.

I hear Sam phase.

*Paul? What’s wrong?!* Sam thinks.

*I imprinted Sam!* I think.

*I know, just-* I cut him off.

*Sam! I have a horrible temper! I don’t wanna accidentally hurt her! Look what happened with Emily!* I picture Emily.

Sam sighs, *I know Paul, but you can’t fight it! She’s my best friend! I don’t want her hurt! Just be careful She’s your imprint!*

*Just Sam,* I sigh, *Im gonna reject it! I don’t wanna hurt her!* I run to my house and phase back. I feel a sad pinch in my chest. I know it’s Mel, but I don’t wanna risk hurting her.

Melissa’s Point of View

I see Sam walking back inside.

-Paul did imprint on you- Sam signs to me.

-Then why isn’t he here?- I sign.

-He doesn’t want to accidentally hurt you. Like I did. To Emily- He signs while sighing.

I sign and keep cooking. A few days later I’m physically in pain, my chest feels like it’s caving in. I try not to act like it bothers me while I cook in my kitchen. The pack started hanging out at my house now since it’s closer to the forest and the beach but still close to my dads house. The pain suddenly lessens a bit when I hear, “Melissa.”

I turn around and see Paul.

He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. No wonder i feel exhausted.

“Can we talk?” He asks.

“Um, yeah sure.” I say and we sit at my kitchen table.

“I’m so sorry,” he says looking down. “I just don’t wanna hurt you. I have the worst temper imaginable. I’m afraid i’ll scar you like Sam did Emily,” He says.

“Paul,” I say grabbing his hand. The pain in our chests goes right away. “I’m here for you. I trust you and know you’ll never hurt me. You’re my soul mate,” I smile.

Paul smiles,” You were made for me,” he says.

“Technically, you were made for me. I am older,” i joke.

He starts laughing, “Im the wolf here, you were made for me, he just made sure I was perfect before he released me.”

We both laugh and I hear his stomach growl so I stand up and start making chocolate chip muffins. The whole time Im baking Paul and I are getting to know each other.

“It’s almost time for me to relieve Sam,” Paul says standing up.

I never realized how tall he was. Wow! I’m only 5’3”. He must be at least 6’0”.

“You coming back after?” I ask.

“Of course,” he smiles.

[citious]

Chapter 8

Characters: Jung Yeeun, Kwon Hochang, Kang Yina, Dongjoo, Yoon Jinmyung, Song Jiwon, Im Sungmin, Jo Eun, Eunjae

Note: If you haven’t read the previous chapters, you may do so here –> Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 2.5, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7

In a nutshell: Yeeun’s parents called Yeeun to discuss her relationship, how will it go? Meanwhile, Kang-eonni is entering her first day of work, and faced a terrible experience, luckily, someone came in the rescue - who is it? Jihun – the dance instructor who’s also Yoon-sunbae’s high school crush appeared again in her life, what will happen between the two? Lastly, Ssongsungmin is attending Jiwon’s friend’s wedding.

Rating: T

Friday 9th March 2018

Following their past discussion about Yeeun’s relationship with Hochang, mom and dad decided to take Yeeun to the house to tell her their expectations. Yeeun knew what her parents were about to tell her. She’s prepared for the worst, and she looked totally fine from the outside, but inside, her heart was wrenching. Despite the impossible twist that her parents would let her continue seeing Hochang, she still had a small hope that her parents would say otherwise.

Mom: Yeeun-ah…

Yeeun raised her head to look at mom who’s sitting across her on the sofa. Beside mom was dad, whose expression was as neutral and flat as it always had been.

Mom: Mom and dad have discussed enough about your future and your relationship.

Upon hearing mom’s opening sentence, Yeeun tried her best to maintain her composure. She didn’t want to let mom and dad see her vulnerable side. Mom continued,

Mom: We think that you should call it an end. If I have to be honest with you, there are so many other gentlemen out there who can give the best things fteor you. And mom knows you know very well our family’s legacy to marry someone from a prominent family. Yeeun-ah, mom felt empathetic about Hochang. I couldn’t imagine how hard he must’ve tried to go on after his dad’s passing, but I still believe that our family’s tradition and legacy outweigh my empathy for Hochang. You know what I mean, right, Yeeun-ah?

Yeeun who expected all the things that mom just uttered, tried to stretch her mouth a little, her expression was ambiguous, as it didn’t show acceptance nor rejection. She had had enough of an argument with mom. Yeeun thought, ‘It’s useless anyway if I even try to oppose her’.

Yeeun: Yes, I know that all too well, mom.

Mom: I hope you understand us, because we all want the best for you. You’re still young, and you still have a long way ahead of you. Mom and dad can find you a better candidate who can make you happy.

Yeeun wanted to curse so bad if it was possible, but she didn’t anyway. ‘What do you even mean by making me happy? Buying all those expensive designer items? Treating me to 5-star hotel restaurants? Bringing me to a holiday abroad? I don’t care about all those,’ Yeeun thought. She realized that happiness wasn’t just about money. She genuinely felt the love for Hochang, and she received the same, even though Hochang isn’t the heart-fluttering type. Aside from that, she knew Hochang could protect her from any kinds of danger, but it’s sad that her mom isn’t even trying to appreciate that.

The serious conversation was about to end, mom who felt that it was enough of an explanation, left the living room and entered her room. Yeeun raised from the seat and when she almost exited the front door of the house, her dad stopped her.

Dad: Yeeun-ah

Yeeun: Hm… appa… what’s wrong?

Dad looked back to see if anyone was around. There wasn’t anyone, thankfully, so he continued what he was about to say to Yeeun.

Dad: You don’t want to breakup with Hochang, right?

Hearing her dad’s unexpected question, her pupils expanded and her eyes went watery as she hesitantly answered with her shaky voice,

Yeeun: Honestly… yes, I don’t want to. But what can I do? Mom said no.

Dad who looked super concerned about Yeeun, and said,

Dad: Yeeun-ah. Don’t follow mom’s orders. Keep your relationship as it is with Hochang. Dad will take care of everything. Don’t worry about a thing.

Yeeun couldn’t hold her tears anymore and started crying as she couldn’t believe that her dad would actually say that in front of her. She remembered what Eun told her, that she must speak up about herself and try to find a win-win solution for her parents and herself. Before even trying to speak up, her dad, who’s the last person she could ever imagine would give in, was actually on her side now.

Dad who saw his daughter crying, kept her in his arms as he said,

Dad: Don’t worry, it will be alright. You’re such a nice daughter, do you know that? It’ll be alright. Honestly, Hochang is a good guy, dad really appreciates his effort to protect you. I think it’s unfair if I have to decide on your happiness. It’s already stressful that you had to go to Yonsei, although you do love your major. I don’t want to make myself a bad memory to you, all I want is for my daughter to be happy.

It’s been such a long time since Yeeun was in her dad’s embrace. The last time was probably during her high school graduation when her parents came to school for the ceremony. All these time, Yeeun just didn’t realize that her dad was honestly very caring towards her, and an actual ddal babo – A yes man to his daughter.

At the boutique

8.30 a.m.

It was Kang-eonni’s first day of work at the boutique. She arrived much earlier before the store opened as instructed by the manager who interviewed her. As she arrived at the boutique and put all her belongings in the locker, she introduced herself to all the employees in the store during the morning briefing.

Manager: Alright, good morning everyone… Today we have a new member to our team. Let’s all focus and work hard today.

The manager signaled her to introduce herself to the team.

Yina: Hello, my name in Kang Yina. Please take good care of me. I’ll work hard.

The team’s expression looked alright that day, and it somehow gave Kang-eonni strength for her first day at work

Manager: Alright, everyone, it’s a Friday, so do expect that more customers are gonna come especially during the second shift in the evening and night.

All: Yes, we’ll keep that in mind!

As all the employees seemed to understand what they had to do already, they all proceeded to their stations and started doing their tasks. Kang-eonni who wasn’t sure of what to do, took initiative to make sure that all the clothes are displayed extra neatly on the racks.

Her day at the store went quite smoothly at first, but maybe it just wasn’t her lucky day, as an ahjussi who seemed to be in his late 50s came into the store.

He decided to try on some clothes in the fitting room and shouted for an assistance

Ahjussi: Excuse me, can someone help me with the fitting?!

Some employees who were outside the fitting room could hear the loud noise and were all actually taken aback by the loudness of it, but since Kang-eonni wanted to show her best performance on her first day, she hurriedly walked towards the changing room cubicle and asked nicely,

Yina: Sir, how can I help you with?

The ahjussi scanned Kang-eonni from head to toe as he peeked from the curtain and let her inside the fitting room. Kang-eonni tried to maintain her expression as the ahjussi told her to button the silk shirt that was brought inside. Kang-eonni had sensed that something’s wrong, and something sure did. The middle-aged man deliberately molested Kang-eonni’s body. She tried to avoid making a fuss over that to keep her professionality, but her pride as a woman couldn’t let that happen.

Yina: Sir, what are you doing?!

Ahjussi: What are you talking about?!

The other employees in the store heard the sound of the customer and approached the scene. Luckily, there weren’t many visitors at that time, so it was easy to distract them from the commotion.

Just then, Dongjoo entered the store with his cougar. He purposely asked to go to that boutique so that he could see how Yina was doing on her first day at work. As soon as he entered the shop, he heard the fuss that was going on from the fitting room, so he approached the scene to see what was going on. As soon as he arrived at the scene, the ahjussi exclaimed,

Ahjussi: I told you I didn’t try to touch you! Is this how you should treat a customer?!

Yina: You know that’s not the truth!

At that moment, Kang-eonni tried her best to hold her tears from falling, but everyone could see how red her cheeks were from her suppressed anger.

Before the argument could go even worse, Dongjoo who had the grasp of the situation shouted,

Dongjoo: Kang Yina!

The fuss went silent suddenly as they heard the loud voice who screamed Kang-eonni’s name. She was started and couldn’t believe her eyes at who did it.

Yina: Dongjoo-ya…

What’s even more shocking is that the ahjussi was also startled as he saw someone whom he knew,

Ahjussi: You!

Suddenly, Dongjoo’s cougar jumped in and said,

Ahjumma: Yeobo?!

The argument ended as the ahjussi’s attention was altered as his wife suddenly appeared in front of his eyes. Kang-eonni too had some questions to ask as to why Dongjoo was there at the boutique. As Kang-eonni sneaked out from the scene, the ahjussi and ahjumma fought like cat and dog.

Convenience Store

06.00 p.m.

The sun has set as it signaled nighttime’s arrival. Kang-eonni’s shift had ended, and she sat outside a convenience store. Dongjoo came out of the store while bringing a couple can of beers and handed one over to Kang-eonni.

The two stayed silent for a while and then Dongjoo finally uttered a few words,

Dongjoo: You okay?

Kang-eonni opened the can of beer and gulped a sip before she replied with a sigh. She didn’t know how to explain her feelings, but she tried her best to,

Yina: I’m okay, but I’m not.

Dongjoo who heard Kang-eonni’s explanation suddenly turned his expression even more serious than before.

Yina: Even though I used to be a sugar baby, getting money from married men, I do have my pride as a woman. I don’t let just anyone touch my body. You know, it’s MY body and not even any girl can touch me. Do you understand?

Dongjoo understood how she felt. He’s also a player, but he had a perfect manner as a man.

Dongjoo: How about your work?

Kang-eonni let go of a big sigh, but she answered,

Yina: I talked to the manager, thankfully she understood my position. I’ll resume working next Monday.

Dongjoo nodded and felt relieved that Kang-eonni’s motivation to gain experiences during the break won’t go in vain. Wanting to get away from the topic, Kang-eonni tried to change the subject a little as she didn’t want to think further about the incident,

Yina: So are you done with that woman?

Dongjoo took a sip of beer and answered,

Dongjoo: I guess so. She texted me just now, saying that she and her husband made up.

Kang-eonni resumed,

Yina: Have you ever thought of stopping?

Kang-eonni didn’t exactly explained what she meant by stopping, but Dongjoo seemed to understand where the question was headed towards.

Dongjoo: Stopping? Honestly I have thought about it, but I can’t imagine my life without all those money that I can get from this job.

Yina: Well, you’re not exactly wrong, you get a good amount of money and the only thing you need to do is make your client happy. With your techniques.

Dongjoo stared straight at Kang-eonni and then asked,

Dongjoo: I’ve never dared ask about this, but why did you decide to stop?

Kang eonni smirked and responded,

Yina: Because I know this thing that I was doing won’t last, and I have to prepare for what’s gonna happen in the future. We’ll get old, and I didn’t even attend university at the time. If I turn old, who wants to use me? No one, right?

Dongjoo sighed as Kang-eonni finished her explanation. He was annoyed at himself because what Kang-eonni said was totally right and rational.

Dongjoo: You’re right.

At that very moment, Dongjoo sincerely thought of stopping his career and start attending school like Kang-eonni. The serious conversation highlighted their night and the two continued to finish their beers as the moon shines bright in the velvet dark blue sky.

Belle Époque

07.00 p.m.

Yeeun was laying down on her bed, staring at the ceiling blankly above her. She grabbed her phone on the bedside table. She opened the kakao-talk app to text Hochang

Yeeun quickly put on her coat and grabbed her purse and went out of the room. Eun and Eunjae were at the dining table eating ramyun from the pot. They all looked at Yeeun who’s out with her pajama pants, completely not her style to go out.

Eunjae: Yeeun-sunbae, where are you going at this time?

Yeeun: I’m going to the usual café, meeting with Hochang.

Eunjae looked at Eun and asked in whisper,

Eunjae: Did something happen to her?

Eun kind of guessed what happened, but kept quiet as she realized it wasn’t her place to tell other Yeeun’s problems.

At the café…

Yeeun entered the café hurriedly and went over to Hochang who’s sitting at the usual table. Hochang raised from his seat as he saw Yeeun approaching.

Hochang: Yeeun-ah, did something happen?

Without giving an answer, Yeeun wrapped her arms around Hochang tightly. She said,

Yeeun: I’m never gonna let you go. You understand?

Hochang then hugged Yeeun tighter, expressing his understanding. He thought, ‘I guess she met her parents…’ Despite knowing that Yeeun might have met her parents, he couldn’t exactly predict the outcome.

After some time, Hochang let go of Yeeun and asked,

Hochang: Do you want some smoothies?

Yeeun looked up to Hochang and nodded as she took a seat at the sofa, but before Hochang went towards the register to order, Yeeun added,

Yeeun: Hochang-ah…

Hochang: Hmm?

Yeeun: I’m hungry too.

Listening to Yeeun’s cute remark made him smile like an idiot, he wanted to pinch Yeeun’s cheeks so much,

Hochang: Arasseo. Wait here, okay?

Hochang is one super understanding boyfriend. He’s calm and mature, although he might seem like an anti-social guy. He being understanding was one of the reasons why Yeeun felt comfortable being with Hochang.

OH & PARK Entertainment

07.14 p.m.

Yoon-sunbae was clearing her desk as she prepared to go home, when her phone buzzed. She looked at the list of notification on the locked screen and realized that it’s from Jihun. She had exchanged kakao talk with him the day before, but didn’t really expect to receive a message from him.

Yoon-sunbae left the last message as read, and didn’t reply the text. She was happy that she got to meet her high school friend again, but she didn’t really like the fact that he’s her ex-crush. It would honestly feel uncomfortable for her even though there was no more feelings attached anymore.

Yoon-sunbae waited patiently for the elevator as she pressed the ‘down’ button. At the lobby, she saw the figure of a tall guy who’s dressed casually, looking different from the usual sweat pants and t-shirt fashion that he always had after giving dance classes.

As Yoon-sunbae approached him, Jihun said,

Jihun: You’re here~

Jinmyung: Hm…

Jihun: Let’s go!

The two exited the main door and they walked to the dinner place that wasn’t that far away from the office building location. The weather was quite chilly that night, but thankfully Yoon-sunbae wore warm clothes to protect herself from the chill.

At the Restaurant

08:00 p.m.

As the two sat down at a table and ordered their dinner plus soju, Jihun opened the conversation for the night,

Jihun: Jinmyung-ah

Yoon-sunbae looked up and waited for Jihun to continue.

Jihun: If you have the choice and miracle to go back to our high school time, would you do it?

Yoon-sunbae frowned a little as the question was odd in the first place, but she thought for a while and answered,

Jinmyung: Why do you want to know?

Jihun: You’ll be surprised if I tell you why I asked that.

Jinmyung: What do you mean?

Jihun: You really don’t know?

Jinmyung: Know what?

Just then, the ahjumeoni came with two bowls of sizzling beef soup and rice bowls. The weather hit a single digit that night, so ultimately hot soup was the primary choice of dinner menu for the both of them. Their conversation was cut off, but Yoon-sunbae who was still curious at Jihun’s statement said,

Jinmyung: Jihun-ah, you haven’t answered my question. Know what?

Jihun’s expression looked a little dumbfounded when Yoon-sunbae didn’t know what he was trying to say.

Jihun: We were always together in High School.

Jinmyung: I know that, so what?

Jihun: So? Do you even realize how many girls in our school literally sent me love letters and gifts every single day?

Jinmyung: Well, you were indeed famous. Of course I know.

Jihun: Why do you think I never once gave any of those girls attention?

That one question hit Yoon-sunbae so much. She was enjoying the gukbap a lot (it’s honestly her favorite food), but she was forced to stop, and her heart suddenly beat faster.

Yoon-sunbae’s expression was flat as ever, from the High School era, Jihun could still not read her expression well.

Jihun: I liked you. A lot.

All of a sudden, Yoon-sunbae whose heart was bursting suddenly had her pupils expand, surprised at Jihun’s words.

Jihun: It’s so sad that you never realized the things I did for you. I waited for you at the junction near your house almost every day so that I can take the bus with you every day. I put a pain reliever tonic on your desk during that time of the month, and I wrote all the notes for the subjects you missed during that time when you had to take care of your brother, although you know I don’t ever take notes. I didn’t expect you to thank me or anything, but you know, the feeling of not being realized by the person you like is more hurtful than being rejected.

Flashback – Mundo High School

Spring, 2005

Class 12-2

It was 8 in the morning, Jihun and Jinmyung arrived together at their class. The weather was sunny and breezy as the vernal equinox had passed a week before. Cherry blossoms had started to bloom and it’s beautifully decorating the view outside the class window.

It wasn’t a rare sight for Jihun and Jinmyung to go to school together, though, a lot of girls from every level definitely didn’t like the fact that she was seen around Jihun frequently. Despite that, the kids never suspected Jihun to land a feeling for Jinmyung as she really wasn’t ‘attractive enough’ in everyone’s eyes. She was that typical hard-working student who had no interest in anything but studying. No one would have suspected Jinmyung to like Jihun either, she’s just so cold towards any guy in general and had that image of a tough girl.

By the time Jihun and Jinmyung entered the class, Jinwoo – Jihun’s bestfriend said,

Jinwoo: oii Jihun-ah, some girls left things under your desk earlier

Jihun put on a poker face and walked towards his desk at the back of the class, leaving Jinmyung behind. Jinmyung just stared at Jihun’s back for a few seconds before sitting at her desk on the first row. Jihun bent his body to look at the under compartment and saw several nicely decorated letter and expensive chocolate bars. He took a sit and opened the letters one by one and read them.

Jinwoo who sat next to Jihun exclaimed loudly,

Jinwoo: Yaah, look at all those letters! Mwoya, isn’t this chocolate pretty expensive?! Those girls really are determined.

Jihun hadn’t spoken a word since then, and looked at Jinmyung’s direction instead of reacting to all those letters to see whether she’s bothered by it or not, but it seemed that she wasn’t interested by a tiny bit, as she was busy with doing some practice papers. ‘If only you knew…’ Jihun thought.

Honestly, Jinmyung heard it, and she could suddenly feel a throb in her heart when she heard that he’d received a bunch of letters and chocolates. ‘Jinmyung-ah… focus!’ she tried to distract herself from not caring about Jihun and pretended her best to study.

Fall, 2005

The college entrance exam was approaching very soon, and everyone was expected to stay for a night study period at school. From behind, Jihun could see Jinmyung touching her belly and flinched, seemingly in pain. Everyone seemed to be immersed in studying that no one noticed Jinmyung suffering in silence. It was break time, Jinmyung said something to her desk mate and brisk walked outside the class. There were two girls asking what’s wrong with her, and the desk mate said,

Desk mate: Period cramps.

The girls acknowledged it straight away and continued with their own thing. Jihun heard it, and being the most sensible guy by nature, he risked running out of school to buy a menstrual herbal tonic at a convenience store near school and ran back to class. Thankfully, all the kids weren’t paying attention, so he quickly slipped the tonic under Jinmyung’s table and walked back to his seat.

Jinwoo who was napping the whole time, woke up when Jihun came back.

Jinwoo: Where did you go?

Jihun: Toilet

Just then, Jinmyung came back, looking a little pale and moved towards her desk. She groped under her table to get her exercise books, but felt an unusual item. She took it and read the sticker on the bottle, ‘Menstrual Pain Reliever’. Jinmyung tried to look left and right to guess who could have given her the tonic. Jihun looked towards the window to avoid being caught by Jinmyung for staring at her too long.

After the night study

11.00 p.m.

Jinmyung walked outside and stopped before the school gate, she opened her bag and took the tonic out and cracked the cap open. On her last gulp, suddenly Jihun approached her from behind,

Jihun: Mwohae?

Jinmyung got startled and quickly hid the bottle away so Jihun couldn’t see it.

Jinmyung: Ani, nothing. I thought you went home already?

Jihun: Ahh…. I- went to the teacher’s room first. Kang-seonsaengnim wanted to see me. Kkaja!

The truth is, Jihun was there all along, waiting for Jinmyung to finish the tonic, but of course he didn’t want her to know this. After telling her to go, Jihun walked right away in front of Jinmyung, before she followed slowly behind.

The two’s high school crushing on each other continued to be like that. Jinmyung kept her feelings as discreetly as possible and Jihun remained careful but caring towards her. If only one of them had the bravery, they would have lasted for a long time.

Flashforward – Restaurant

Awkwardness quickly grew between the two adults, but Yoon-sunbae who at the time thought that she should clear everything out, said,

Jinmyung: Jihun-ah. You’re talking as if you’re the only one hurting, but you seriously don’t know the truth at all.

Yoon-sunbae continued,

Jinmyung: Honestly, I really liked you too. For the whole 3 years of high school.

Yoon-sunbae didn’t know why, but she laughed as soon as she finished her late confession.

Jihun: Jinmyung-ah. Are you being serious?

Jinmyung: Well, have I ever not?

Jihun knew Jinmyung’s not the type to play around, and if she says something, she means it. He pressed his forehead in frustration as he couldn’t believe the golden chance that he missed.

Jinmyung: When I met you a few days ago at the office, I was really concerned because you were once my ex-crush.

‘Ex-crush’ she said, Jihun thought.

Jinmyung: I have a man that I truly love now. He’s a chef, currently in Busan.

Jihun smirked as he heard Jinmyung’s painful explanation.

Jihun: Wow. I should have not hesitated back then.

Jinmyung; Jihun-ah, please… don’t.

Jihun: Do you know how much regret I have now?

Jinmyung: Jihun-ah, I’m not the only woman in the world, you see.

Jihun: But you’re the only one I can’t forget.

Suddenly, Yoon-sunbae felt as guilty as ever.  She never felt like that before. For some reason, she did feel sad when she had to say goodbye to her crush in high school without even being honest with her own feelings. Yoon-sunbae was a motae solo when she met Chef Park, and she didn’t know the art of dating and being a relationship, but he completely changed her to who she is right now.

Jinmyung: I’m sorry.

Jihun: Ani, don’t be sorry.

Jihun came to his senses and said,

Jihun: We can still be friends, right?

Jinmyung: Of course we can.

Jihun: Promise?

Jinmyung: Promise.

Jihun filled his shot glass with Soju and raised it to invite Yoon-sunbae to make a clink in celebrating their friendship. Yoon-sunbae thought the conversation would continue to be awkward, but it was really nice to see Jihun who could accept the reality.

Jihun and Yoon-sunbae didn’t realize it, but as they had the conversation, their bowl of gukbap went empty.

Jihun: So… you’re in a long-distance relationship with your boyfriend now. Don’t you feel that it’s hard?

Jinmyung: Well, it is really hard, but thankfully he’s moving to Seoul in June. He’s gonna set up his own restaurant in here.

Jihun nodded in understanding, and sighed,

Jihun: Well, I have to move on now, right?

Yoon-sunbae could only put on a bitter smile at Jihun’s rhetorical question.

10th March 2018 - Belle Époque

8.30 a.m.

Jiwon woke up from her deep sleep when her alarm rang. She hid herself completely with her blanket, but put it off when she realized that today’s her friend’s wedding day. She made her way down from her bed and went out of the room to get ready. There wasn’t anyone in the kitchen or living room. It was really a quiet weekend at Belle Époque.

When she went out, all dressed up in a pretty dress and her hair let down, Jiwon entered her room to spay some perfume and putting all the necessary things on the bag that she’s gonna use. Her attention was alarmed as her phone rang. Yeeun was still fast asleep on her bed, so Jiwon quickly answered the phone outside the room.

From the other side of the line,

Sungmin: Good morniiiing

Jiwon: Mwooo mwoo mwooo??? What’s up with you early in the morning like this?

Sungmin: I just woke up, and I just think of you right away.

It’s true. Sungmin was still on his bed, blanket still covering his body with his messy hair showing. Jiwon smiled when Sungmin said those cringe-worthy line.

Sungmin: Jiwon-aaaaah, I’ll come pick you up at Belle Époque

Jiwon: Hmm arasseo, go and take a shower now! The event starts at 11. Don’t even dare to come late. You’ll see what happen if you do.

Sungmin: Ayyyyy, okay Princess. I won’t be late. See you later!

Jiwon ended the call without even replying to Sungmin’s last words. ‘Seriously… How did I end up with this guy?’ Jiwon thought.

Suddenly, her phone rang once again. Jiwon quickly answered without looking at the caller ID, it must have been Sungmin again.

Jiwon: mwoo?! Why are you calling me again? You still want to listen to my voice?

There was silence for a split second from the other end of the line. Jiwon continued,

Jiwon: Sungmin-ah? Why are you so quiet?

Suddenly a woman’s voice could be heard from the call,

Caller: Yaaa, Jiwon-ie you surely are enjoying your relationship, huh?

Jiwon’s eyes widened in surprise as she recognized the voice coming from the other end.

Jiwon: eom...eomma?!

Mom: Geurae, it’s your mom.

Jiwon: Why are you calling early in the morning? Did something happen?

Mom: You always ask me if there’s something wrong, I just wanted to check on you. Everything’s alright, right? How about Im-seobang?

Jiwon: Im-seobang?! Eomma... Please…

Mom: Aigoo… mom just cares a lot about him, that’s why. He’s your first boyfriend after all.

Jiwon: Arasseoo arasseo. Everything’s alright. Next week’s he last university week, so I’m pretty much free until graduation

Mom: Graduation? Isn’t in In June? You have almost 3 months of nothing. How great, why don’t you go home to help us with some chores?

Jiwon thought for a while for an answer,

Jiwon: Okay, I’ll help

Mom: Good daughter! What are you doing today?

Jiwon: Me? I’m going to a friend’s wedding

Mom: Ah really? Im-seo- I mean, Sungmin-eun?

Jiwon chuckled a little and said,

Jiwon: He’s coming too.

Mom: Aaaah, alright. Don’t forget to take pictures and send it to me!

Jiwon: Arasseo-yo… eommaa… I’ll hang up!

Mom: Eung, be careful on your way! Send my regards to Im-seobang~

Jiwon: Hmmm

Jiwon’s lips stretched as mom called Sungmin Im-seobang again at the end of the call. She went inside her room to continue where she left off before getting the calls from two of the dearest people in her life.

Sungmin’s Apartment

09.00 a.m.

Sungmin came out of the shower, covered with a white bathrobe. He headed towards his closet to pick a clothing set that he’s gonna wear to the wedding. He picked a white shirt from the railing and buttoned it in his toned body before putting on a pair of black pants. His expression looked extra happy that day. It was his first time going to a wedding ceremony with his significant other.

Sungmin came out of the closet looking super dandy with his hair styled part ways – on fleek. He stopped by the vanity at the end of his room to check himself up in front of the mirror. Sungmin then uttered convincingly,

Sungmin: okay, looks good. Jiwon-ahh, I’m coming!

On the road…

09.45 a.m.

Sungmin connected the Bluetooth connection on his phone to the car’s stereo and played a playlist full of his favorite songs. The morning sky was visibly beautiful. It was the definition of a good day. The weather was also not so cold, as spring was about to come in just one more week.

When the car approached Belle Époque, Jiwon was already outside waiting to be fetched. The time read 10.20, just in time for them to reach the venue before the ceremony starts at 11. Sungmin hit the car’s hand brake and alighted from the car quickly to give Jiwon a quick kiss

Sungmin: You look pretty today

Jiwon: I look pretty every day, you dumbass!

The two let go of a playful laugh before Sungmin opened the passenger’s car door for Jiwon.

They arrived at the 5-star hotel where the wedding was held at. Sungmin parked the car at the basement and they walked over to the lobby. Jiwon told Sungmin that she wanted to greet the bride first at the waiting room, so Sungmin had no choice but to wait outside the ballroom all by himself.

At the bride’s waiting room…

Jiwon: Aaaaaaah, Jinhee-ya! You look so beautiful today!

Jinhee: Gomawo Jiwon-ah. How did you get here?

Jiwon: My boyfriend drove me here.

Jinhee: Boyfriend?! You have a boyfriend now?

Thank God there weren’t that many people in the room, because Jinhee’s voice was really loud when she said that.

Jiwon: Hahaha, yes I do. It’s unexpected, right?

Jinhee: Totally! When I sent you the invitation, I was actually concerned because I didn’t want you to come alone, but I’m relieved now that your boyfriend is here too. Ahh, I can’t wait to see him later. Is he handsome?

Jiwon: You would probably regret marrying your husband if you see him.

The two ladies laughed happily at Jiwon’s joke. Just then, the photographer asked them for a photo. Jiwon put on her signature sweet smile and let the photographer shot a few pictures before Jiwon hugged the bride.

Jiwon: Jinhee-ya, I’ll see you from the guest’s seat later. Don’t be nervous. Fighting!

Jinhee: Eo, thank you! See you later!

Jiwon exited the room and went over to where she left Sungmin.

Jiwon: Sungmin-aaah, sorry for waiting

Sungmin: Ani, it’s fine.

They went inside the hall and took a seat at the guest seat section. Not long after, the ceremony started. The crowd cheered when the bride walked on the altar with her father. It was a beautiful sight for Jiwon. As the father handed Jinhee over to the groom, he teared up a little. This made Jiwon comment, ‘My dad will not cry at this thing.’ Sungmin who heard Jiwon’s nonchalant remarks smiled. The bride and groom exchanged the rings and shared a brief kiss. It was a smooth-sailing ceremony and everyone looked happy.

The MC for the day announced,

MC: Congratulations for the bride and groom! After this, for those of you – friends or relatives of the bride and groom who are single or still unmarried, please get ready to stand in front of the stage because the bride is going to throw her bouquet!

Hearing this, Sungmin said,

Sungmin: Jiwon-ah, are you going?

Jiwon: Do you want me to go?

Sungmin: Why are you asking me?

Jiwon: What if I catch the bouquet?

Sungmin gulped his saliva, his eyes wavered a little at Jiwon’s sudden question,

Sungmin: Then what? You’ll bring the flower home.

Jiwon showed her frustration at Sungmin’s answer, that wasn’t what she wanted to hear from him. Jiwon walked towards the end of the stage and joined the others who were standing, ready to catch the bouquet.

MC: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, be prepared to catch the bouquet! Bride are you ready?

Jinhee looked over to her left where the MC was standing, and nodded.

MC: Okay she’s ready… 1….. 2……. 3!

Jinhee threw the bouquet right away, Jiwon’s eyes widened as she wanted to catch the bouquet so much. Unfortunately, it went passed her and someone right behind her caught it. Jiwon swore in frustration,

Jiwon: Aish!

She turned back and saw a familiar figure standing behind her holding the bouquet in his hand.

Jiwon: Sungmin-ah… you!

Sungmin’s expression was rather bland, and he showed the bouquet that he caught. Everyone cheered in excitement. Having caught the flowers, the MC asked Sungmin,

MC: Wow a handsome young man caught the bouquet! If I may ask, are you single?

Sungmin: Uhm… no, I’m not.

MC: ahhh, so you’re not married yet, then. What is your connection to the happily married couple here?

Sungmin: My girlfriend is the bride’s friend.

That’s when Jinhee realized that the person who caught her bouquet was Jiwon’s boyfriend. Jinhee then grabbed the microphone from the MC and said,

Jinhee: Jiwon-ah!

Jiwon was startled.

Jinhee: Now I understand what you told me in the waiting room hahahaha

Not understanding what Jinhee said, Sungmin looked at Jiwon and asked in whisper,

Sungmin: What did you say?

Jiwon didn’t answer Sungmin and continued to smile and laughed.

Jinhee: Alright, you two be happy! To my family and friends, thank you very much for allowing your leisure time to attend my wedding ceremony and thank you for all the blessings. Jiwon-ah, I’ll wait for the invitation!

Jiwon nodded in happiness when she heard Jinhee’s closing remarks. Sungmin looked nervous as hell. As soon as she finished her words, she gave the microphone back to the MC for him to finish off.

MC: Right, we don’t know what story the bride’s friend told at the waiting room, but we sincerely congratulate the boyfriend for catching the bouquet! Don’t forget to contact me for your wedding MC hahaha. Now, for all the guests who have attended, you are welcome to consume the food that have been provided. Enjoy the rest of the event. Thank you.

When Sungmin and Jiwon were about to head to the dining area, suddenly two people walked towards them. Sungmin knew who they were, and he had a million questions as to why they were there. Sungmin quickly warned Jiwon,

Sungmin: Jiwon-ah, from now on, please be in your best behavior.

Jiwon: Why?

Before Sungmin could answer, the two people were already in front of them. Jiwon was confused at the whole situation. In front of her were a middle-aged man and woman, the two of them were smiling, without knowing anything, Jiwon initiated to show respect,

Jiwon: Annyeonghaseyo… nugu…?

The ahjussi and ahjumma looked at each other and put on a smile before answering,

Ahjussi: Ahh, of course, you don’t know us. We’re Sungmin’s parents. Sungmin had told us a lot of stories about you.

Jiwon who heard the ahjussi’s explanation nodded and surprisingly seemed cool, the opposite of how Sungmin had thought of her to react.

Jiwon: I’m sorry. Annyeonghaseyo, eomonim, abeonim, my name is Song Jiwon. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. The both of you look so young, who would have guessed you have a son my age

Mom: Hahaha, thank you for the compliment. By the way, we just found out that you guys were here. We saw Sungmin catching the bouquet. You are Jinhee’s friend?

Jiwon: Yes, she’s my friend from High school. We were really close back then.

Sungmin’s parents nodded in understanding. Jiwon asked a question in return,

Jiwon: How about abeonim and eomonim? What relation do you have…?

Dad: The groom’s father is my good friend at work.

Jiwon nodded at dad’s answer.

Dad: Ah, Jiwon-yang… we were just talking about this, when can we prepare a meeting with your parents?

Jiwon who could keep her cool from just now suddenly looked at Sungmin with her ‘save-me-please’ look, so Sungmin answered,

Sungmin: Abeoji, why don’t we take this slowly? I’ll talk about this over with Jiwon and make sure we can arrange a meeting.

Sungmin’s dad looked over to mom who seemed to agree with Sungmin.

Dad: Alright, I don’t want to disturb the two of you anymore. We’ll go over to the bride and groom’s parents.

Jiwon: Aniyeyo, abeonim, eomonim, you did not disturb us at all.

Mom: Arasseo. Until then.

Sungmin and Jiwon bowed in respect as the parents walked past them. Sungmin told Jiwon right away,

Sungmin: Jiwon-aaaaah

Jiwon: Mwoo?

Sungmin: You did well. I didn’t expect you to be able to carry a conversation with my parents so suddenly.

Jiwon: Well, you don’t call me Song Jiwon* for nothing.

Sungmin: You’re right. Okay, let’s eat!

Sungmin offered his right hand to Jiwon and Jiwon grabbed it right away. Oh right, the bouquet was still on Sungmin’s left hand.

[T/N: Jiwon (지원) in Korean can also mean Support or Backup]

- To be continued - 

Thank you guys for reading!

[I’m so sorry that I took such a long break to release the 8th chapter.... But it’s finally here and hopefully it will be a good start to wrap up the rest of the story. As always, love you guys!]

[swampgallows]

this stupid fucking cunt ass bullshit fucking website isn't saving my line breaks

i know it's stupid but my therapist recommending medication the moment i decide to get into my actual issues makes me feel like shit. like she gave up on me or something, or like my problems are too difficult or too much of a burden for anyone to help me work through.

she's like "well we've been working together for 8 months and you don't seem to be improving" like what else do you want me to do? i haven't even begun to tell you about my trauma, I'm too fucking paralyzed trying not to get kicked off my health plan or sent to a ward again to say anything. i think i just need a new therapist that i can develop a better relationship with or "clicks" with me better so i don't feel so on edge that i can't even be open in my therapy but that sounds like an issue in and of itself. how can I be open and free to express my feelings if I'm constantly being graded with the background threat of institutionalization?

some days i really feel like i can make it, that i have all my shit together, that I'm smart and gifted and can do things. but then i don't actually do anything. and then some days are like this one where I've been holding my piss for 7 hours and can't get out of bed, can't remember the last time I showered, can't focus on anything, feeling utterly hopeless about the present and the future.

reading in my notes that she said i "rejected" medication or group therapy or living with my sister... it was too many options all at once, and all of them make me feel scared and like a failure. and i had a hard time explaining that because i was crying, but i also don't think they'll help me. I've done group therapy before. while it's helpful to have other experiences and perspectives to reference i don't know how it's supposed to help me other than just venting. i need someone to be invested in me enough to teach me how to be invested in myself. because i don't care. i don't care about myself and im not worth loving, so i don't love myself. the only ways I'm useful are making stupid jokes online, doing schoolwork (obsolete), or being a whore (nearly obsolete).

medication might reduce my feelings so that i feel nothing instead of loathing, but it's not going to make me have a purpose. if it worked it would've helped my brother and mom, but it didn't. it does nothing. it's just going to make me feel nothing. i might as well be dead then. i would rather feel suffering than nothing or else i would have just killed myself already.

all it does is reinforce that I'm a problem nobody wants to have to deal with anymore. it makes me feel more suicidal than ever.

[btsxlami]

📢LISTEN 📢 UP📢 ARMYS📢 HERE ARE 23 UNDERRATED ¿!MORE!¿ RAP MONSTER TRACKS THAT YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY POSITIVELY SHOULD CHECK OUT by @btsxlami

Hey guys its your favourite Namjoon promoter here again a.k.a LAMI! My last post got a lot of notes so whoop whoop and included my personal favourite 23 Namjoon tracks which you can find here

Part 2 of my underrated Namjoon series.

Here are 23 more bc damn Namjoon has a lot of fcking songs!

Disclaimers: (HOLD UP IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME SEEING THIS I SUGGEST YOU SEE PART ONE)

1. i will include tracks that Namjoon covered

2. I will include tracks that Namjoon featured in

3. I will include tracks that I personally feel the need to be well known *so no I won’t put expensive girl even tho thats my shit*

4. This list will be a bit more laid back since I covered a lot of the most important songs in the last list sooo

5. since i covered his best and most “important” tracks in the last list theres not many left but ill probably include his REALLY early like pre debut fetus tracks with his underground rapper friends, tbh I personally don’t think they are the best but you can definitely see how he grew and where he started from

6. enjoY! and reblog kekeke

7. THIS IS A LONG ASS LIST AND I FUCKING ANALYZED EACH SONG SO I EXPECT YALL TO READ AND APPRECIATE NAMJOON GODDAMIT

8. you can always go to BTS’s official soundcloud for unofficial official tracks yeet

9. titles with stars are ones i recommend ( i should of done this for part one yikes)

1. Voices by Rap Monster ⭐

from his first 2015 mixtape RM > Check out the full album here >>  X  *you can refer to more mixtape songs in my previous list

I feel as if this song is the closest a fan can get with Kim Namjoon. Just listening to it you feel a bit relaxed and almost a bit sad when you start listening to the first half of the song. This song reflects a person’s tender emotions and voices that run inside of someone’s head when they are confused. I remember listening to this 2 years ago and towards the end Namjoon starts screaming out all his pain and I started crying. C R Y I N G

Namjoon had a really smooth life up until he started pursuing hip hop. He was a beyond smart student and had a happy family so why the hell would he be depressed? He had his whole life ahead of him right?

But this lyrics totally breaks that facade down

 “ I didn’t have any dreams just like my lyrics, every day in that way the functions and equations that couldn’t give me an answer in the end those things became uncountable injuries “

Despite having such amazing grades Namjoon did not know what the hell he wanted to do with his life, he didnt want to go into something academic despite being good at it, he was lost in life and his academics could not make him happy but instead hurt him even more.

“ thought I could catch the mirage known as happiness but the me in front of my desk wasn’t happy even for a moment without my mom knowing, I put a sheet of white paper between the pages of my workbook “

This verse totally broke me apart. He wanted to be happy while being in school but school sure as hell did not make him happy. His parents looked up to him as some smartass freak but without them knowing he started writing his own lyrics to cope with his hardships.

“my identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass a different, relaxed feeling compared to when I got my report card even when I was #1 my heart couldn’t relax”

The music brought out his true inner feelings, music brought out his true personality rather than when he was almost robot like studying with no self-identity. Despite being number one in class he still felt an emptiness that only music could fill.

“even as 7 years passed... still making my mixtape by myself in one corner of my room some say I’m fake, okay, I admit it, my dark past I can justify it, but I won’t, so that kind of problem won’t happen again the pedal that I stepped on for 7 years has finally been oiled “

Namjoon has been writing music and tried to get recognition for 7 years, despite Bangtan getting fame he is still lonely writing his own mixtape in a dark corner, kind of pathetic ehh idk, in his mixtape interview his dark past was his problematic sayings and actions. He felt the need to appropriate culture in order to rap. He then figured out that music and culture had nothing to do with eachother, music is for everyone. *I’m fake*

And finally after all the hardships after 7 years he is finally started to receive praise and attention!

2. WE ARE BULLETPROOF PT.1 by: Rap Monster, Supreme Boi, and Iron ⭐

Composed 6-7 years ago when Namjoonie was about 15 or 16 THIS SONG IS FUCKING BOP. 

2 of Bangtans were also first members are featured here: Supreme boi (yall probably familiar with him) and Iron! (i hope iron never affiliates with Bangtan ever again tho we dont need a criminal around them yikes)

3. Hook by Supreme Boi, Iron, and Namjoon (also the track used in Yoongi’s all i do is win)

Extremely old and pre debut, but old is gold

Probably one of Namjoon’s only ‘diss’ song, he usually doesnt diss others while he raps tbvh

4. Seventeen by Rap monster

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDNT MAKE FUN OF HIM BC 15 YEAR OLD NAMJOON AT THE TIME WAS PROBABLY REALLY PROUD BACK THEN BUT HE LOOKED SO FUCKING FUNNY BC DAMN THAT HAIR AND HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE A CHIPMUNK BUTHUSDHUFUFSUD

5. SKOOL OF TEARS By: Rap Monster, Suga, and Jin ⭐

Absoloute MASTERPIECE! FIRST OF ALL THE ORIGINAL TRACK IS FROM SWIMMING POOLS BY KENDRICK LAMAR AND I LOVE KENDRICK! SECOND, THE RAP FLOW SOUNDS AMAZING NAMJOON IS GOING SO HARD AND DAMN YOONGI BACK AT IT AGAIN! ALSO CREDS FOR BABY BOY JIN FOR SOUNDING SO BADASS HERE BUT HERE IS WHY I LOVE THIS SONG!

I think its absolutely amazing how Namjoon especially writes song towards youth suffering in school, it takes a lot of guts to write against a society that has been around for decades. 

“  This is a ring called a classroom This is a stadium with no referee only an audience You know there will never be a victor everyone will lose There will be no victor everyone will lose”

“ That’s right, in the end school is like another mini society A jungle made carelessly by adults They made the weaklings weak, they made the strong powerful Of course since they were strong they made the weak suffer A society built on the teachings that friends are only for pretend The morals of adults made us step on the weak to rise to the top “

Its clear to see that Namjoon has suffered in school but also isnt afraid to address the truth.

6. Expensive girl by Rap Monster 

( I FUCKING DISCOVERED THIS SONG WHEN I WAS LIKE 11-12 AND I NEVER WANTED TO PUT THIS HEAR BUT YALL LIKE FOUGHT ME TO ADD THIS TO THE LIST GODDAMIT I HATE YALL I GOT LIKE HATE MAN OKAY)

“Take it off now girl just take it off (I’m a master, baby with your bra)Take it off now girl just take it off (I can help you slide those panties off)(..I’m a beat that pussy like you never ever felt before)x2″

7. Converse High (original version SUNG by Rap Monster)⭐

Yall probably heard Bangtan’s Converse High but here was the original version written by Namjoon that was rejected bc of the swearing omg damn joonie, BUT HE SINGS SO BEAUTIFUL IN THIS YESS

(funny story in seventh grade when this came out it was the last day of school and i requested my teacher to stay after school late so i could finish listening to the whole thing)

8. Suicide by Rap Monster

Rapmon wrote this mixtape in the point of view of a baby in his mother’s tummy. The baby’s parents are high school kids who are forced to go through abortion.

*this song was deleted bc of copyright and also the source of it is unknown but hey ITS IN ENGLISH AND DAMN NAMJOON RIGHTS DEEP SHIT*

(tf is namjoon doing u good)

9. What am I to you by Rap Monster from the 2014 Dark & wILD ⭐

if you DONT KNOW THIS SONG I SUGGEST YOU RETHINK YOUR LIFE DECISIONS BC LOWKEY HANDS DOWN ONE OF THE BEST INTRO’S TO A OFFICIAL BTS ALBUM (gif is from the live ver of this song and he started crying ok)

So Namjoon used to have a girlfriend who “mistreated” him. Tbvh we really don’t know what happened but on problematic men he said it wasnt anything serious it was just she would neglect him and not spend enough time but also hang out with other men.

(gif aint mine so gif blogs dont come at me)

But clearly the lyrics of this song are very emotional but the real reason why this song is a masterpiece is because of the rise of  emotions.

It starts off slow and cute, Namjoon mentions how he loves the girl and how their love is pure and innocent, throwing cute love phrases and the song sounds so soft, hopeful, and romantic. But in the middle the music starts to get more serious and Namjoon starts to question the relationship. He feels as if the girl thinks of this relationship as more of a task and a job, and slowly as the song comes to an end NAMJOON STARTS FUCKING SCREAMING AND BELTING! ALL THE EMOTIONS BUILD UP AND HE STARTS SCREAMING “WHAT AM I TO YOU GIRL WHAT AM I TO YOU I DO LOVE YOU CRAZY UH DO YOU” LIKE IT WAS SCARY I WAS CRYING IM LIKE NAMJOON WHO TF HURT YOU

10. Always by Rap Monster ⭐

This song is more recent and farely well known but I still felt the need to put this masterpiece here. Namjoon said not to worry about him as the lyrics are really sad and almost ???SUICIDAL??? but he said he wrote this when he was stressed last year. Its kind of a self questioning song about life and your purpose. I cried when it came out. well i always cry when i listen to namjoon is it a surprise.

I'm honestly in tears because this song goes to show how hurt Namjoon still is even after all these years. Even after all these awards, fans, and accomplishments. Depression still hurts after a long time. I can tell that this song was talking about his past. This song literally made me realize Namjoon was questioning his existence and I wanna hold him so badly. Guys...we could of lost Kim Namjoon. My absolute favourite human being in the entire world who saved my life. He is a human being who does not deserve such pain but I am so proud he endured it so well and look how far he came. One of my favourite verses "I live for the sake of understanding this world, but why hasnt the world tried to understand me atleast once" Its a really vague phrase which is why I like it. WORLD could mean destiny, fate, life, even parents.  He tries so hard to accept his life, to understand his parents wishes, sacrificing his own happiness yet fate decides to only give him the worst. "Dad please listen to me" "dead dad, your dead to me," Talking about how his dad wouldn't let him rap. I remember him mentioning that his dad once told him all that education he worked hard for was for nothing and I can’t imagine how sad Namjoon felt in that moment. "I would tell god if I ever meet him, i would hold him by the collar and tell him this life is like a coffee I never ordered" A pretty sad and a bit confusing verse, maybe leading to why Namjoon eventually became an atheist. Namjoon was in so much pain he didnt want to be born. "I wished I was dead...... I wished “Someone would kill me" No Namjoon never utter such words. My joonie mini I hope you are better and hopeful now, look at how far you came, your so successful and loved, and you made your family proud. Dont ever doubt yourself and even think about death, just keep living happily and moving forward. He honestly felt lost in this point of his life and still continues to feel lost. Namjoon you have such in important role and your existence was destined. You were born for a reason. You were born to change lives. 

11.  J-Lim ft. Rap Monster & Iron - Ashes

12. TIPSY BY RAP MONSTER & SUPREME BOI

Namjoon wrote this in the beginning of his rap career when he was still trying to find where he stood as a rapper. He mentions how he isnt doing this for the fame or money and he isnt the next Nas or Tupac he just wants to rap for the love of it.

13.  Rap Monster of 방탄소년단 (BANGTAN),Supreme Boi,i11evn,Marvel.J - You can't do that

*i suggest you skip ahead to 1:30 for namjoon fire verse, shade intended*

14.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단,Suprema,Marvel.J,Kyum2 - Rollin

I also recommend you to skip ahead to 2:40 BC DAMN BOY GOES HARD

But tbvh pre debut namjoon squad (supreme boi , young jeezy, iron are hella problematic and say the n word in this and still do so im like yikes im happy nam left you) “ They pissed, now rape me" bitch whet

yeah im just here for namjoons verse bye

imma mufukin balla on this mufuckin beat spit mufuckin rap on this mufuckin shit got mufuckin skill so im mufuckin phat its mufuckin trick and a mufuckin track i i bet you betta stop stopin da chatter im a rapper man, and i represent BPB im juss so greater than hoes

15. FUCK COCKROACHES BY RAP MONSTER AND ZICO *THIS IS SO FUNNY*

Zico was 15 and RapMon was 13 when they rapped this, Namjoon sounds like a chipmunk BUT ZICO SOUNDS LIKE JIMIN I STG!

16. Rap Monster- Thinking Bout you

Joonie Mini Representing Biggie smalls eyyy!

17. Glory By Rap Monster

"I'm a dick? Yeah, when you disturb me, I grow bigger" SO FUCKING DONE

*there was lowkey lowkey controversy bc he said he tore 4 hymens BUT DETECTIVE LAMI FIXED IT*

 In the beginning Namjoon says that people looked at him pitifully because he joined BTS,  the Underground rappers were disappointed with him which led the Underground rappers to leave him, which has ripped his hymen. Not 4 hymen of random girls. 4 and "I" sound the same in Korean

it's a bit weird but in this case he is talking about himself all the hate people showed has ripped his hymen symbolizing his innocence for music.

18. NAA BY RAP MONSTER

tHE ORIGINAL BEAT WAS DEUCES BY CHRIS BROWN I WAS DYING

19. REGULAR VOICE BY RAP MONSTER ⭐

A really sweet and open-minded song about Namjoon wanting a “regular girl” “Height? I don’t care. Age? I don’t mind it. When you say, “I’ll only look at you” then I’m okay. Whether your skin is light or dark it doesn’t really matter, our love is deeper than that. “

I feel as if idols are pressured to have certain ideal types and say them out in the open, Namjoon had bad influences around him *underground rappers* which also influenced his negative sayings towards certain things but he wrote this song all alone at a young age which shows that his intentions are pure, and ever since he apologized for his wrong doings you go joon.

his voice sounds like sex

20. DREAMING BY RAP MONSTER

FETUS CHUBBY WTF HAIR NAMJOON IS BACK

okay but seriously you can see that despite being young he put a lot of effort and thought into this song!

21.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단 feat.김거덕 - RAP

22.  130305??  THIS TRACK IS UNTITLED BUT IT SOUNDS SO EPIC TF

23. Trouble by Rap Monster 🔞 🔞

OKAY IM BARELY AROUSED BUT THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAD ME SOAKED IM SORRY GOD LIKE ITS SO SUGGESTIVE I STG 

HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES I STG

[chandlerqualls]

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

She’s never been able to. She used to carry it on her every single day at school. Every now and then I’d hear a click and a gasp and I’d wonder what it’s like to have your lungs reject the air that keeps them alive.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler .

As the years came and went, we became closer, and her mom gave me her extra inhaler. I carried it like a sword, proudly and with great purpose. I kept my eye on her at all times, which wasn’t that hard, considering how beautiful she was. She used to tell me that I worry too much.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

It is 4 years before I actually have to use the inhaler. We were at the park and he arrived. He asked to play hide and go seek. He said he knew it was stupid, but he wanted to play. She agreed for both of us. He told us he would seek first. He counts to ten. We hide. He finds me immediately. He sees her. He runs to her. She runs away.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

He chases her down and she finally collapses, unable to breathe. I produce the inhaler from my pocket and place it between her lips. I scream at him to call 911. He looks terrified. He probably wonders if he killed her. I hold her to my chest and try to help her breathe.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

As time has passed, I started seeing her less and less. She begins seeing him more and more. Her mom asks for the inhaler back and gives it to him. I am shocked. It feels like I have been replaced. I’m not her protector anymore.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I round the corner into her bedroom. She invited me over for video games and pointless conversation. I push the door open and there they are. Lips locked and arms wrapped around each other. I am broken. I let out an inaudible gasp. She looks up at him with this love in her eyes that I’ve never seen in the way she looks at me. I’m destroyed.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

She finally looks in my direction. Tears are streaming down my face as I look into her eyes. I start to panic. I tell her I’m just going to go home. Maybe we can hang out next weekend. I rush out the door. She follows me. She yells my name. I act like I can’t hear her. I’m out the front door. And then I’m running. I can’t see through the tears in my eyes, I’m just turning when I feel like it.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I find a park bench to sit on. I look at my phone. 32 missed calls. 14 text messages. What’s going on? Where are you? Are you okay? I want to turn my phone off. I want to ignore her. But I know how she gets when she’s worried. I hate that I still care. She will never love me no matter what I do and I’m still worried about whether she’s going to be able to breathe in the morning.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

He leaves her alone. He has some party to go to that is more important to him than she will ever be. He will recall those memories before he even looks at her. She calls me. I answer. Come over. It’s just me and you babe. I wince at the nickname. Butterflies build in my stomach and I have to will them away because I know it’s innocent. I agree. She giggles on the other end. I’m in love with her.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I show up to her house and let myself in once more. I round the corner to her room and there she is, beautiful as ever. I approach her cautiously. She jumps up and wraps her arms around my neck. I love you I love you I love you she mumbles into my jawline. Tears well up in my eyes again as she pulls away.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I sniffle softly. Her head snaps to attention immediately. She’s analyzing my face. What’s wrong? I just look down at my feet and she pulls me in closely. What’s wrong? I look deep into her eyes. I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t like him. I don’t know how to tell her that I wish I was him. I don’t know how to tell her that I am in love with her. I tell her that I’m not ready to talk about it. She pulls me into her bed and holds me as I cry. I’m overwhelmed by her.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

He comes over again while I’m crying into her chest. He tells her he needs something. She goes to him. She tells me she loves me. She goes and risks her life for his happiness. I cry into her pillow. I’m angry when I realize that it smells like her.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I build my armor up around my heart. I might be in love with her but that doesn’t mean she is mine. Her happiness is most important. She loves him. I hate him. 3 years go by and they are still wrapped up in each other. He spends his time with many girls that are not her. He no longer has the energy to try at all. We go to dinner as a group and he leaves her inhaler at home.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

He kissed her hard in the car. He kissed her long and hard and didnt let her up for air. Her eyes went from a soft joy to a heavy panic. I saw the change in the rear view mirror. I start driving to the hospital and I yell at him to stop kissing her. She can not breathe. I yell for her inhaler. I tell him to give it to her.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

He makes eye contact with me in the rear view mirror. I see the realization in his eyes. I’m angry. Im crying. Im speeding. How could he forget his one job. Her mom trusted him to care enough about her to keep her alive. He didn’t.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

The hospital takes care of her. It’s me and him alone in the waiting room. He tells me he’s going to break up with her. He says that he doesn’t love her. He says that she’s not right for him. I want to scream. He’s right though. She’s too good for him.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

A few days later and she’s okay. He tells her they need to talk. He breaks her heart. He returns her inhaler to her mom. It’s my turn to hold her close and let her cry into my shoulder. I run my fingers through her hair. It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. She falls asleep that night crying in my arms. I hold her tight and refuse to let go.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

A year passes and we spend everyday playing stupid video games and falling asleep in each other’s arms. I want so badly to kiss her. I’m too scared to actually try to tell her how much I love her. I settle for the soft skin rubbing against my neck. I treasure these little moments. They leave me breathless.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

She places her forehead against mine. I’m afraid I might faint. The alcohol we had pumped into our brains was taking over my thoughts. Her lips were so beautiful. I wanted to kiss them. I leaned in slowly. I looked into her eyes. She looked down at my lips and smirked.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I drunkenly pressed my lips to hers and tried to tell her in that one kiss how much she meant to me. I poured my soul into that kiss. I pulled away crying. I was suddenly painfully sober. She lifted her hand to my cheek and wiped my tears away. What’s wrong babygirl? I whimper at the nickname. I’m in love with you. I say it bluntly. She smiles. I’m crying again and suddenly she’s kissing my tears away. I melt instantly. I’m in love with you too she mutters against my cheek. I kiss her.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I hold her close in the ambulance as we are on our way to the hospital for another asthma attack. She’s going to be fine, I was there with the inhaler instantly. We get to the hospital. I’m in the waiting room. There he is. He tells me he wants her back. He tells me that no one ever loved him the way she did. He tells me he loves her more than anything. She comes out to the waiting room and he gives her flowers. He says he loves her. She says she’s sorry. She says

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

She leans over to kiss me. He is shocked. He storms away. She pulls away. You’re my inhaler. Baby, you are the reason I keep breathing.

She can’t breathe without her inhaler.

I can’t breathe without her smile.