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eliemo · 3 years

Text

Little Talks

Summary: As Logan starts spending more time with the Duke in an effort to keep him under control, Remus has to come to terms with the fact that the way he treated Logan may have caused lasting damage after all.

TWs: RSD, violent thoughts, strong language, blood mention (it's Remus, what did you expect)

Pairings: Developing friendship. Can be seen as platonic or romantic Intrulogical

Notes: Thank you to @cheshirevalentine for helping me create and edit this. They're amazing and I love them dearly. Their AO3 is here!

Having Logan in his room was… weird.

Remus had known it was going to be happening. Logan had made the offer to stop by Remus’s room and let the Duke bounce his ideas off of someone. He’d let Remus ramble, listen to the flood of intrusive thoughts and gory, outrageous ideas, all so that Thomas wouldn’t have to.

Remus had cheerfully referred to Logic as his “test subject” the first time he’d come in, laughing outright at the way Logan’s face had screwed up in indignation.

He didn’t really plan on actually doing anything to Logan, despite the incredibly dangerous position the light side had put himself into. He mostly just talked, reciting each and every thought that came to his head in detail, watching to see if he could get an entertaining reaction out of the ever-stoic Logan Sanders.

It didn’t really work. Logan was stupidly boring with his stuffy clothes and perfect schedule and condescending eyebrow raises. He didn’t say much the first few times he stopped by, their “talks” only lasting ten-to-fifteen minutes at most, but after a week he seemed to warm up to the idea of talking to Remus a little.

He’d ask questions- ask where Remus had gotten an idea, or ask him to expand on a particularly disturbing thought- and while Remus didn’t always have an answer, it was nice to not be completely shoved aside and ignored for once. Besides, Remus always thought of the best answers to those sorts of things on the spot. He liked the challenge of having to think on his feet.

It was still weird, though. But Logan kept showing up, day after day, and Remus could almost pretend he wasn’t the only one enjoying their talks.

He knew that Logan didn’t want to be here, of course. Their meetings were on his calendar, so it was obviously an obligation. He was doing it so Thomas could get some sleep, and Remus could be a little less of a burden. Of course.

Remus had only only expected it to last a few days, if he was honest. A week at most. He knew he was a lot to deal with, especially alone, and he knew it would only be a matter of time until Logan decided it was all too much and forgot all about their little “arrangement”.

But Logan came back the next week, and the week after that, and soon fifteen minutes turned into twenty, then thirty, and some days he even stayed almost a whole hour.

Remus found he actually felt a little less agitated after Logan left, his head just a tiny bit more quiet. Tormenting Thomas was the closest thing he’d ever had to talking things out, and it was a little discouraging when the reactions were either horrified screams, insults, or pretending he didn’t exist.

Logan actually listened. He listened and engaged.

Remus loved Janus. And Deceit did what he could, but he didn’t have the same tolerance as Logan did for some of the gross things Remus came up with.

Maybe Logic would be open to dissecting something with him sometime…?

He should have known it wouldn’t last. Nobody stuck around Remus very long. He always did something to fuck it up.

He really should have known the way he’d treated Logan when he’d first made his appearance would be a problem. Logic separated himself from the Imagination, the side grounded deeply in reality, but a lack of lasting damage didn’t mean it hadn’t happened.

Remus had still hurt Logan to prove a point. And then had promptly moved on and forgotten about it until the next time it was brought up. Sometimes object permanence- or lack thereof- was a pain in the ass.

Remus had been ranting as usual, pacing around his room while Logan watched from the chair. He honestly couldn’t even remember what he was talking about, his mouth moving without much thought as it tended to do.

Whatever it was, he’d gotten worked up and excited, pacing the room, waving and flapping his arms as he talked, smile bright and mischievous and he whirled back to face Logan and-

And Logan flinched back, squeezing his eyes shut as his hands clutched the arm of his chair, shoulders hunched protectively.

It only lasted a second, Logan quickly pulling himself together and compulsively smoothing his tie once again. He seemed to do that when he was trying to pretend he was collected, Remus had noticed. His shoulders uncurled as he leaned forward again, but he wouldn’t quite look Remus in the eyes.

“Continue,” Logan said, when he realized Remus had stopped talking. “You were rambling about...something objectively disgusting.”

“I’m not stupid, you know.” Remus said, crossing his arms and ignoring the stupid, pointless hurt that blossomed in his chest when Logan couldn’t even recall what Remus had been saying. “I saw that.”

Logan blinked, staring at the Duke blankly. “Saw what?”

“You flinched.”

Logan scoffed, adjusting his glasses to avoid meeting Remus’s eyes. Again. “I did no such thing.”

“No, you did. I saw it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Logan said, jumping right back into that emotionless facade he was so obsessed with. “Are you going to continue?”

Remus couldn’t even remember what he’d been talking about, his head flooded with images of Logan flinching away, eyes wide in terror, scrambling to get away.

Logan with a throwing star embedded in his forehead, with his mouth full of blood, crimson dripping down his forehead and chin, seeping into his pristine clothes and staining his tie. The thoughts seemed to dip into that spiral they always went down, swirling down the metaphorical drain pipe into his metaphorical pit-of-sewage excuse for a brain.

“No,” Remus said, shaking the thoughts away for the moment. Like stirring the cesspool a little so all the muck settled to the bottom. Metaphorically. “I’m good.”

Logan sighed, and Remus stepped away as the logical side stood up from his chair. “Then we’re done for the day.”

“Bye then.”

If there was one thing Remus was good at, it was pretending not to be bothered by the little things, by the way everyone perceived him. He was a terror and a burden, and he enjoyed it. It was funny! He didn’t care if he was liked, intrusive thoughts were never liked.

Remus flopped down on his bed, watching Logan’s back as he left. He was moving quickly, almost panicked, slipping out the door and closing it shut behind him.

Remus didn’t care if the stupid light sides liked him. He never had. But Logan… Logan was scared. Of him.

Scaring people was never the goal. Making Logan flinch like Remus was going to hurt him was never the goal.

Logan would deny it to his grave, of course. He was stupidly stubborn like that, somehow more stubborn than even Remus at times.

He’d insist that Logic had never felt a revolting feeling like fear in his life. He had no feelings on the matter, and Remus couldn’t frighten him because Logan had no feelings at all. Not enjoyment, not dislike, and not fear. Remus was another obligation on his schedule. Something to attend to. Nothing more.

And while Remus knew all of that was true… he also knew Logan was full of shit. He had feelings. His feelings might even be stronger than Patton’s or Roman’s. (Though it was doubtful. Weepy bitches they were- far too emotional for Remus’s tastes.)

And he was afraid of Remus. He’d made that perfectly clear today.

He… didn’t know how to fix that. His job wasn’t to fix problems. He made the problems. It’s better to start now than to never start at all, he supposed.

Well, obviously he had to start by finding a new coping mechanism. Logan was helpful, and possibly the healthiest outlet Remus had ever had, but he wouldn’t force someone who was terrified of him to come sit in his room and listen to him talk about guts and gore for an hour. He would have to find something to do in place of their talks.

A part of him doubted Logan would even come back again. Remus had caught him flinching, and with Remus’s reputation he wouldn’t be surprised if Logan assumed he would use the fear to his advantage.

And yeah, maybe under different circumstances he would have. Scaring people was fun but… not like this.

But that was fine, he could readjust to being alone. He’d done it before. He could lock himself in the Imagination, annoy Janus until he finally snapped and drove him away, maybe even pay Thomas another visit if he really got desperate.

He wasn’t disappointed. He’d gone his whole life without Logan’s company, he had no reason to miss it. It wasn’t fair to miss something he had barely begun to get used to. Logan was annoying and boring and stuck up, and Remus didn’t know why he enjoyed his company in the first place.

Not that he enjoyed it. He didn’t. He didn’t care.

He spent all night feeding himself those repeating lies, preparing to entertain himself all on his own tomorrow, so he was almost more annoyed than surprised when Logan walked right into his room the next day, same time as always.

Remus sat up in bed, watching in disbelief as Logan made his way to the chair and set his notebook on the table, settling in like nothing had changed.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Logan looked up at him, hands folded neatly in his lap. “I said I would make an effort to see you everyday. I put it in my schedule. If I’m not going to be able to make it, I will inform you the day before.”

“Oh,” Remus said, not bothering to move from the bed. “Well, that’s boring and predictable.”

“I prefer to have a schedule rather than do things on a whim. And I’m here now.”

“Yes,” Remus said, shifting to stare blankly at the wall beside Logan’s head. He bet he could spit that far if he really tried. “You are.”

There was a beat of silence that didn’t often exist in Remus’s room. Usually he would start talking right away about whatever late night thoughts he’d been plagued with, chatting on excitedly until Logan cut in to add something dumb and nerdy.

Remus didn’t plan on breaking the silence this time, choosing to sit and quietly dwell on his thoughts on his own, smirking at the utterly baffled look on Logan’s face.

Logan cleared his throat, frowning slightly. “What’s on your mind?”

“Lot’s of things!”

“Are you going to talk about them?” Logan asked. “That is why I’m here.”

“Nah.” He hated this, hated the way Logan was pretending to care, like he didn’t want to get up right now and run as far away from Remus as possible. Just like everyone else. “Intrusive thoughts aren’t always words, Nerdy Wolverine.”

He saw Logan shift uncomfortably, eyes darting briefly to the door, and Remus realized that might not have been the best way to phrase things.

“Ah,” Logan said, sitting back like he wasn’t terrified. “You can always show me instead. That is what I’m here for.”

“I’m good,” Remus said, doing his best to sound uncaring. “It’s gross.”

“Yes, I’m aware it probably is.” Another beat of silence and Logan sighed, standing from his chair. “Remus. The point of me being here is to keep Thomas’s intrusive thoughts under control. We’ve discussed this.”

And Remus knew Logan didn’t actually enjoy Remus’s company, he’d known that from the beginning, but it still hurt to hear. It hurt something fierce, a deep, sharp slash in his chest that he would swear he could feel, that he was just something to “keep under control”.

He pushed the feeling down, flashing Logan a toothy grin that he knew looked ridiculously fake. “Okay.”

Logan sighed again, pushing up his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. Remus wondered if he could frustrate Logic into storming out. “I’m here to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“You do,” Logan argued, like he had any idea. “Surely talking to someone is better than being alone with your thoughts,”

Remus scowled, shoving himself off the bed and stalking past Logan, moving towards one of the various piles of rubble and bones scattered around his room. He bet Logan hated how cluttered it was in here.

“At least my thoughts don’t pretend to care about me.”

Remus kicked idly at something that looked a bit like a spine, staring blankly at the floor as he let his words settle.

“What?” Logan sounded genuinely confused for the first time. “What does that mean?”

“Hm?” Remus glanced over his shoulder, grinning. “What did I say?”

Logan stepped forward, shoes clicking against the floor, echoing against the now silent room. “I do not understand why you’re suddenly being difficult.”

“Suddenly?”

“Yes, suddenly,” Logan said, and Remus turned away again with an eye roll. “We had an arrangement.”

“Did we?”

“Yes.” Logan touched his arm, and Remus yanked away so fast he thought he might have pulled something. “This is beneficial for everyone.”

“Right,” Remus scoffed. “For everyone.”

Logan actually had the audacity to look taken aback, brow drawing in further confusion. “Yes? You have an outlet, and Thomas gets a break.”

“I don’t need it. I can bash skulls in the Imagination.”

“Which is significantly more unhealthy.”

Remus shrugged, kicking another bone until it slammed into the wall. “It’s easy and fun.”

“We were doing fine,” Logan said, trying to move around him so Remus would meet his gaze. “I thought coming in to talk to you was helping.”

“You don’t care,” Remus snapped. “And you don’t want to listen.”

“I want to,” Logan said. “That is why I’m here.”

“Right.”

“I am incredibly busy, Remus,” Logan said, and Remus felt like he was being lectured. “I would not be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“Then get gone!” Remus spun around gesturing to the door. “Just fucking leave already!”

“I think I’d prefer to stay.”

“You said you’re busy,” Remus snarled. “If you’re so busy you don’t need to carve out time for me.”

“I chose to.”

“Thomas can live with intrusive thoughts,” Remus said. “He’ll be fine. Patton and Virgil will ease up eventually. You should be focused on them.”

“I have been.” Logan was still staring at him, and at this point Remus was considering storming out of his own room. “I have time for you.”

“I thought you were busy,” Remus argued, back to being difficult on purpose. “Which is it? Are you busy or do you have time?”

Logan sighed, and now Remus felt like a child throwing a tantrum. “I’ve made time. I’m making time for you.”

“Right.”

“I don’t understand what changed,” Logan said. “I thought you were getting some enjoyment out of our talks.”

“Yeah, I was,” Remus admitted because despite everything, that was the truth. “But you aren’t.”

It took a moment for Logan to respond, no less confused than before. “I am perfectly content.”

“Yeah?” Remus finally turned around to face him, looking the logical side right in the eyes. “Then why did you flinch?”

Logan blinked, shoulders tense, a mix of panic and understanding flickering in his eyes. “I...did not flinch.”

“Yes, you did. Don’t lie.”

It was Logan’s turn to scoff, like Remus was being ridiculous and dramatic. And he often was, but he was serious this time. “I don’t see how one involuntary movement has become such a big deal.”

Remus didn’t look away, even as Logan’s eyes began to wander. “You’re afraid of me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Logan said. “I do not feel fear.”

“Yes you do.” Remus stepped closer, taking in the way Logan’s jaw clenched. “You have feelings.”

“No I don’t.”

“You do.”

“You’re figuratively jumping to conclusions,” Logan said, quickly changing the subject. “I am perfectly content spending time with you.”

“I’m not jumping to anything,” Remus said. “You’re scared.”

Logan rolled his eyes, hands lifting to brush over his tie before crossing his arms across his chest. Compulsory comfort action.

“You think you saw me flinch once and now you believe that I’m afraid of you, when there is no logical reason to be. You cannot cause any lasting damage to me, so I—”

Remus lifted a hand without warning, fast and sudden like he was going to strike Logan, keeping it frozen in the air as he took in the reaction before him.

Logan flinched back as soon as Remus moved, his own hands moving to protect his face, eyes glued to Remus’s raised arm, widening in genuine fear and shock.

Remus sighed, slowly lowering his hand as he watched Logan struggle to compose himself. “You’re afraid of me.”

“No,” Logan still had the audacity to argue. “I am not.”

“You flinched.”

Logan fixed his tie again. Remus knew it was some kind of nervous tic. “You startled me.”

“I lifted my hand.”

“Yes,” Logan agreed. “Unexpectedly.”

Remus sighed and stepped back out of Logan’s space, too tired to keep arguing.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He winced at his own words, images flashing in his mind of Logan stumbling backwards with wide eyes, of Logan covered in blood, of Patton screaming. “Not again, anyway.”

“Well,” Logan said, carefully clearing his throat. “You can understand that I wasn’t exactly…sure. That does not mean I dislike you. Or that I’m frightened of you.”

Remus found himself looking at his shoes, trying and failing to get images of Logan hurt, Logan dying, out of his stupid cesspool sewage pipe head.

He wondered if this was what guilt felt like. If it was, maybe he should start being nicer to Patton. This sucked dick and balls.

“I won’t.”

“And I appreciate that,” Logan said. “But you could not cause any lasting damage to me anyway.”

“So? It still, like… hurt you. I’m not gonna do it again.”

“Well then, I have no reason to be afraid.” Logan straightened, smiling at Remus like that had just solved everything. “Which I wasn’t in the first place.”

Remus’s eyes narrowed. “You flinched.”

“Yes I did,” Logan admitted. “I apologize for that. I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

Remus didn’t move, staring at Logan in disbelief, at a loss for words for the first time in his life. He hoped the exhaustion on his face resembled a glare at least a little bit.

“I don’t… understand,” Logan said, and Remus couldn't even stay mad at him. “Was an apology not what you wanted?”

“No, Logan. I don’t want anything.”

Logan tilted his head slightly, brow furrowed, and Remus could practically see the gears turning as he looked Remus over. “You’re still upset.”

“Why’re you still here?” Remus finally demanded, throwing his arms out in exasperation. “If you’re afraid of me why don’t you just leave?”

Logan blinked, seemingly unfazed. “Because I enjoy talking to you.”

Logic may as well have just punched him right in the chest, the air leaving his lungs in a rush as he took a step back, choking out a shocked laugh. “That can’t be it.”

Logan frowned. “Why not?”

“Nobody enjoys talking to me.”

“Well,” Logan said slowly, and it was like Remus could see some of his walls coming down. “If it helps, no one particularly enjoys talking to me, either.”

Remus wasn’t entirely convinced that was true, but he figured he wasn’t the right one to give Logan a talk on self esteem.

“I like talking to you,” he said instead. “I just think you’re kinda stuffy.”

“I enjoy talking to you as well,” Logan said, and it really did sound like he meant it. “I would just prefer if your more violent thoughts were not physically manifested.”

“Oh.” Remus swallowed, absolutely refusing to show Logic how much this meant to him. He wasn’t going to cry. “Yeah, I can...do that. Sure.”

“Then I’m glad we could come to an understanding,” Logan said, right back to the stiff, professional persona Remus was learning to see right through. “I’m not afraid of you.”

Remus nodded, and realized he was actually starting to believe him this time. “Yeah. Ok. That’s good.”

Logan stepped back out of Remus’s space and Remus quickly did the same, the two of them standing on opposite sides of the Duke’s now painfully silent bedroom.

“I can leave,” Logan said after a moment. “If you’d still like me to.”

Remus hesitated, fighting to keep acting like he didn’t care. “Do you want to leave?”

“Not particularly,” Logan said, and Remus hadn’t expected to feel so relieved. “But it’s your room. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not.” Remus moved back to his bed, dropping himself unceremoniously onto his back. “Don’t leave if you don’t want to. I don’t care.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

Logan pulled up his usual chair, leaning back comfortably as he picked his notebook back up and began flipping idly through it. He looked content and relaxed when Remus risked a glance in his direction, and he smiled to himself.

“You can talk if you like,” Logan said, glancing up from the pages. “I’m listening.”

Remus did eventually start talking, dumping his latest ideas on Logan like he usually did, diving into last night’s fantasy of setting an office building on fire in the middle of the week.

Logan had added on, and Remus had listened intently as he’d recited statistics and calculations, the likelihood of survival, and the two of them eventually decided it would be a waste of time, the fire likely to be put out before even causing any real damage to the building.

That was a talent Logan had. He could get Remus to let go of a thought that typically wouldn’t have left him alone for weeks.

It wasn’t until Logan had stood up to leave for dinner, promising he’d be back at the same time tomorrow, that Remus realized Logan had stayed twice as long as he usually did.

Huh.

Weird.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #platonic intrulogical #intrulogical #hurt/comfort #ts remus #ts logan #blood mention tw #violence mention tw #fanfiction #writing

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years

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NMJ is the only one that knows bc he’s the only one that NHS truly trusts, he’s the only one who knows why NHS focuses so much in painting and art, NHS doesn’t know why or how but with a little bit of spiritual energy he’s able to bring what he paints in paper to the real world and with that the Nie sect has the beasts of legends under their command

on ao3

“How about you draw a flower?” Nie Mingjue said without much conviction. It was hard to have conviction when you knew it was pointless.

“No!” Nie Huaisang shouted, unsurprisingly, because toddlers always shouted. They seemed to have a great deal of feelings and sound for such small frames. “Taotie!”

Nie Mingjue grimaced. “No, no, not Taotie,” he said quickly. Never Taotie, not again. “How about the Baihu? Nice fuzzy tiger?”

“No!”

“Fenghuang? You like birds.”

Nie Huaisang considered it. “I like birds,” he agreed.

Nie Mingjue heaved a sigh of relief. “Me, too,” he said enthusiastically. “I love birds.”

He had never had especially strong feelings about birds, but he was willing to develop some.

“Okay,” Nie Huaisang said, and patted his thigh comfortingly. “I’ll draw you a bird, da-ge.”

“…thanks,” Nie Mingjue said.

When Nie Huaisang was done, he proudly presented Nie Mingjue with the results of his work.

Nie Mingjue put the baby phoenix in the new aviary he’d secretly had constructed behind his father’s back, thinking to himself that the high-grade construction materials he’d insisted on were totally worth losing his allowance for the next year.

The phoenix chick - it looked like a plucked chicken with maybe three feathers total - weakly coughed smoke.

Because of course it did.

Sometimes Nie Mingjue wished that he could just tell someone about Nie Huaisang’s unusual gift – it was a pretty big burden to bear, and he really wasn’t sure he was old enough for this type of responsibility – but no one else deserved to know. If they didn’t have the good taste to like Nie Huaisang when he was no one and nobody, pointless and useless, they didn’t deserve the benefits of knowing him now that he could do stuff.

Even if it was weird stuff.

Stuff like his ability to summoning the things he drew into existence.

Even things that might not really exist.

Besides, the thought of Nie Huaisang getting wrapped up into war and politics when he was still so young –

No, better to just store away what he made and hope he grew out of it.

And no more Taoties.

“Lan Zhan said his uncle shows people his artwork,” Nie Huaisang said, sitting on Nie Mingjue’s table in the family study. “Why don’t you ever show my artwork?”

“You do art?” their father asked absently, most of his attention on the report he was reading.

“Huaisang does great calligraphy,” Nie Mingjue interjected very quickly. “You’ve seen it – it’s beautiful. And his poems are very well crafted, too.”

“But Lan Zhan said –”

Nie Mingjue mentally resigned himself to not being friends with Lan Xichen any longer, no matter how well they’d gotten along, on the basis that the other boy would probably take it personally when Nie Mingjue murdered his brother.

“He also said stuff about rules,” he said. “Hundreds and hundreds of rules. Do you want to listen to all of those, too?”

“No,” Nie Huaisang said sulkily, five years old and bitter with it. “But…”

“How about we show Lan Wangji your aviary?” Nie Mingjue coaxed. “Go ask him if he’d like to see it. I bet he’s never seen anything like that – and you can ask him what type of animal he likes best, too!”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes went wide at the thought and he dashed off.

“You spoil him far too much,” their father commented. “An aviary – you talk about it more than he does, and you’re always getting birds to fill it up for him, too. Why are you so devoted to him learning to like birds?”

“Better than him liking fierce beasts,” Nie Mingjue said, omitting to mention exactly where he obtained the birds that filled the aviary. “Or corpses.”

“If he liked fierce beasts, perhaps he’d be more martially inclined.”

No, we would be, Nie Mingjue thought. He’d gotten a lot of spare practice with Baxia trying to fight corpses that had no business being there during the period in which Nie Huaisang had gotten temporarily interested in the things in his father’s stories – and that was before Nie Huaisang had learned about yao.

“I don’t want him growing up morbid, that’s all,” he said.

“You’re his brother, not his nursemaid,” their father said, a little exasperated. “Nor are you his mother. Why are you fussing over him so?”

Nie Mingjue huffed and shook his head. “How goes recruitment for the border?” he asked instead, and listened to his father tell him about how people barely a year or two older than him were being sent to risk death in the name of sect honor.

Not Nie Huaisang, he promised himself. Not yet.

He’d tell his father when Nie Huaisang was old enough to handle the consequences.

“Huaisang, didi,” Nie Mingjue said, and tried to smile, even though it pained him. “Can you do me a favor? A really, really big favor?”

Nie Huaisang sniffed, clutching at his arms and shaking. “What, da-ge?”

“You remember Jiwei? A-die’s saber? Can you draw that for me, please?”

It only made it worse.

“Da-ge?”

“Yes, Huaisang?” Nie Mingjue asked, scowling at the map. It didn’t get any better the longer he looked at it, but maybe if he kept glaring he could cow it into submission.

“Don’t you want me to help?”

Nie Mingjue looked up at where Nie Huaisang was wringing his hands by the door. “Help? With what?”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes at him, like it was Nie Mingjue being dense instead of him having started a conversation in the middle. “Uh, with border defense?”

“Why would I ask you to help with that?” Nie Mingjue asked blankly, then realized how his words could be misconstrued. “Not that I wouldn’t ask you to help, of course, but you’ve never really liked battlefield strategy, and anyway you are only twelve –”

“Da-ge!” Nie Huaisang whined. “I meant drawing!”

“…as in maps?”

Nie Huaisang’s glare could light fires.

Nie Mingjue coughed and put aside his work to focus on his brother. “Huaisang, why do you think I would use your drawings in planning out a possible battle?”

“Because they’re useful?” Nie Huaisang said, crossing his arms. “I can make things appear, da-ge, just by drawing them. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but that’s not something that normal people can do.”

“I know,” Nie Mingjue said. “It’s not. But just because it’s not normal doesn’t mean it’s not a wonderful ability, Huaisang.”

Nie Huaisang looked a little bit appeased.

“But just because it’s wonderful doesn’t mean I’m going to abuse your ability,” Nie Mingjue continued. “You should be playing, not working, and if anyone tells you otherwise, you tell me and I’ll straighten them out.”

Nie Huaisang came up and hugged him. “So it’s not that you’re not ashamed of me being weird and useless?”

“I think we’ve already established that an ability like yours is far from useless. And I don’t care how weird you are, principles are principles: you’re too young to be used for battle. Sorry, Huaisang; my hands are tied.”

Nie Huaisang laughed at him and left, looking much happier.

“So what would you like?” Nie Huaisang asked, eyes sparkling. “Me and my brush are at the ready, here to help!”

Nie Mingjue rubbed his forehead. “If you’re sure…”

“Da-ge! I’m seventeen – you were already sect leader for two years by my age. And it’s not like I’m going out there on the front lines or anything; I’m just going to draw some stuff for you.”

“You say ‘just’,” he grumbled. “It does drain your qi, you know. That’s why you took such a long time to form a golden core…”

“Yes, but I did get there eventually, didn’t I? And anyway, it’s fine, I’ll do it instead of my usual landscapes. What would you like? A dragon to devour our enemies? The white tiger, nipping at their heels? A taotie –”

“No Taotie.”

“You’re so weird about that,” Nie Huaisang complained, rolling his eyes again. “Fine. Then what?”

“Sabers,” Nie Mingjue said, giving in. “Standard steel, not spiritual. Horses, feed, saddles. Say, how are you at drawing arrows?”

“Da-ge,” Nie Huaisang said. “I can draw you the beasts of legend, and you want me to draw you arrows?”

“Yes. As many as you can bring yourself to create, really; everyone’s always short on arrows. More rice would be good, too –”

“This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting when I volunteered to help,” Nie Huaisang grumbled.

“Are you going to do it for me or not?” Nie Mingjue asked, unimpressed. “You asked me to use you, not to give you an art project.”

His brother heaved a sigh. “Yes, yes, I will. Can you explain to me why this is your choice, at least?”

Nie Mingjue ruffled his brother’s hair. “Huaisang, when you draw something, it comes to life. Fully to life, as a separate and independent creature of its own – if you draw a dragon, who’s to say that the dragon will choose to fight the Wen sect, instead of turning on us? It wouldn’t be much help if we had to run out, sabers drawn, to deal with whatever it was, only to be exhausted before the Wen sect even arrived.”

“…oh.”

“When we’ve made some progress in the field, I promise to let you help build fortifications,” Nie Mingjue said. “You can start thinking of really nasty traps –”

“Da-ge?”

“Yes?”

“…is that why you hate the idea of me drawing Taotie so much?”

Nie Mingjue coughed.

“Da-ge!”

“Don’t worry about it. It was always really good saber practice…”

“And if anyone tries anything against you at the camp, you draw something really mean, okay?” Nie Mingjue said, pressing paper and a brush into his brother’s hand in addition to the ones he’d hidden away in his luggage - there was a chance that might be confiscated upon his arrival. “I don’t care what it is.”

“I know, I know –”

“Promise me!”

“I will!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “I promise already!”

“Not just if they’re aggressive. Even if things just look suspicious –”

“Suspicious? Like what?”

“If they take you somewhere secluded,” Nie Mingjue said, face drawn with worry. “Somewhere where it’d take us a long time to find your bodies. I don’t care if you put other people in danger from your creation, okay? Don’t make me have to find your corpse.”

Nie Huaisang was silent for a moment. “I understand,” he finally said. “I promise.”

“I’m never drawing anything legendary ever again,” Nie Huaisang sniffed into Nie Mingjue’s collar. “That Xuanwu was awful. It tried to eat all of us!”

“Do you want me to help with the logistics, Sect Leader Nie?” Meng Yao asked.

“You already help with the logistics,” Nie Mingjue said, not really paying attention. If it was serious, Meng Yao would bring it to his attention – he was a truly remarkable aide-de-camp. “You already help with everything.”

“I appreciate Sect Leader Nie’s confidence in me,” Meng Yao said, smiling a little. “But no, I meant – with the imports.”

“Imports?”

“Every week we receive new shipments of goods – food, weapons, defenses – from Qinghe, and we don’t send any money back. Surely such expenditures are putting a strain on the Nie treasury..?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Nie Mingjue said. “Huaisang is handling it. It’s good for him to have responsibility.”

Meng Yao looked a little skeptical, but in his defense, he’d met Nie Huaisang.

“Really,” Nie Mingjue assured him. “He’s not going to hurt our budget – it’ll be fine. They’ve come steadily every week so far, haven’t they?”

“If Sect Leader Nie is content, then so am I,” Meng Yao said, but he was pouting a little, perhaps at the perceived lack of trust. He did so love to be helpful.

“You know I trust you with my life,” Nie Mingjue told him. “But this is something that Huaisang is, for once, best placed to handle. Don’t worry about it.”

It wasn’t really his secret to share, after all. Maybe when the war was done.

Nie Mingjue was on his back in the throne room of the Fire Palace, staring up at the man who murdered his father and who was about to murder him, too, when he heard the sound.

A high-pitched squeal, unlike anything else he’d ever heard – a little like a pig, a little like a wolf, a little like the long slow grate of metal against metal. It burned on the ear, a vile sound on the verge of being physically painful.

“What is that?” Wen Ruohan asked, frowning. He was standing above Nie Mingjue, his foot crushing down on his chest; Baxia was out of reach, knocked away, but at least no longer in the traitor Meng Yao’s hands. “Meng Yao…?”

“I - I’m not sure, Sect Leader Wen,” Meng Yao said, looking equally confused.

Nie Mingjue laughed.

They both looked at him.

He grinned up at them, blood in his teeth.

“What?” he said. “Never heard a Taotie before?”

#mdzs #nie mingjue #nie huaisang #jin guangyao #my fic #my fics #purple crayon #timetomakeanewwish

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cosmicjoke · 3 years

Text

Levi the Reluctant Hero

I wrote a post last night about one of Levi’s short stories from Vol. 1, in which he dreams of all his comrades dressed in fine clothing, living the high life of the MP’s, and he thinks, at first, how wrong they all look dressed like that, before Hange, in his dream, asks “But it’s better than this, right?”, before they all fall to the ground and begin to bleed out, and Levi then wakes, and tries to convince himself that all he has to do is protect them, and defend the choice they’ve made to live the life of a Scout. My post went into discussing the conflict between Levi’s desire to protect the lives of his friends and comrades, to keep them safe, and his own duty as a Scout to fight for humanity, and accept the many losses necessary among their number to make the Survey Corps’ goal a reality.

Well, it got me thinking more of the subject of that conflict within Levi, and in particular, about how that struggle was further impacted by his discovery of Erwin’s true motivations.

What’s interesting to note about Levi is that, as far as we know, he is the ONLY member of the SC who was pressed into service, whereas everyone else there is a volunteer, willingly signing up out of their own volition. Levi ends up staying with the SC after Erwin convinces him that his strength and skill are needed by humanity in order to win the war against the Titans, in order for humanity to achieve its freedom and salvation. And more to the point, Levi ends up becoming incredibly loyal towards Erwin, and trusting of Erwin’s judgment, always following his orders dutifully, even when he himself feels dubious as to his plans and course of action. Levi follows Erwin with such devoted dedication because he genuinely believes that all of Erwin’s great vision and tactical genius is being implemented for the greater good of all humanity, because he believes Erwin can see a path toward succeeding in that goal that Levi himself, and no one else either, is capable of seeing.

We see, more than once, Levi express his discomfort or dislike of Erwin’s plans, most particularly when it involves endangering the lives of the SC members. Like, for example, in Trost, when we see Levi’s hands literally shaking out of anxiety and dismay at the battle that breaks out there, and his inability to join in the fight, or before that, during the battle with the Female Titan in the forest, first when Levi snapped at Erwin for trying to give him the credit for their success in trapping her, and then later, when Levi wishes to go find his squad, and Erwin stops him from going. But still, Levi yields to Erwin’s commands and tells him he’ll “trust his judgment”.

How this relates to my post from last night is in the fact that Levi follows Erwin’s orders, even when it means the deaths of his comrades is more than just a possibility, but even a certainty, and how that choice to follow Erwin is particularly remarkable, because it goes against every instinct and desire Levi himself has. Levi’s first and foremost wish, during every battle we see him in, is to protect the lives of his comrades. He goes so far as to order them, both in Shinganshina and later in Liberio to “not die” and “survive”, as if he simply won’t accept anything less than them making it out alive. In Shinganshina, Levi took the bulk of the burden onto himself while trying to protect the horses from the numerous smaller titans because the other Scouts with him were new recruits and inexperienced, and he wanted to save them from having to engage with titans as much as he possibly could. And when the Beast Titan began throwing boulders at them, Levi’s first action was to try and rally everyone to scale the wall and get to the other side, where he believed they would find safety. There’s plenty of other examples throughout the manga in which Levi does all he can to save the life of not only his comrades, but even total strangers. My point is, to Levi, the most important thing of all is the lives of people. He places the most value, the most worth, on people’s lives, and in his view, protecting those lives is what matters most, and what he, personally, can do best.

And so, it is no doubt particularly difficult for him to put that instinct and priority and desire aside when Erwin orders him to, in order to execute his plans. Like, again, in the battle with the Female Titan, when Levi has to hold himself back from intervening with the soldiers engaging her while he and his squad lead her into Erwin’s trap, or again in Trost, or again in Shinganshina, etc... Levi is only able to put aside his own instincts and desires to follow Erwin because he believes wholeheartedly in Erwin’s own, altruistic goal, that is, the salvation of humanity. Erwin himself convinced Levi of this during the climactic moment of “No Regrets”, when he gives Levi his speech about only being able to defeat the Titans and free humanity from their terror by riding out beyond the walls and fighting back, by discovering where they come from and thus, discovering their weaknesses. He convinces Levi that this is a worthy goal, a noble goal, worth sacrificing their lives for and, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can help make this dream a reality, and that Erwin himself possesses a special scope of vision which he will apply with total dedication to also making this dream a reality.

It’s this belief in Erwin, and in Erwin’s speech, that leads Levi to follow him so loyally.

What’s really prevalent here is that Erwin convinces Levi specifically that to sacrifices ones life for the cause of the SC is a worthy and meaningful sacrifice. Before Erwin begins his speech, Levi is grief stricken over the loss of Furlan and Isabel, and after Erwin reveals how he used all of them in his plans to incriminate Lovof, Levi says to him, in clear anguish, “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives! They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.” He thinks Erwin’s used and sacrificed the lives of his friends for something as stupid and meaningless as catching a white collar criminal. And then Erwin goes into his speech about freeing humanity, and essentially convinces Levi that his friends didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the greater good, for the salvation and freedom and dreams of all humanity, and this is what gets Levi to accept Erwin’s offer and stay. This belief that he, and all of them, are fighting and sacrificing themselves for a better and safer world, in which people can live without fear or constriction, in which people’s lives themselves will be bettered. It’s this belief that allows Levi to accept the loss of lives within the ranks of his comrades, even as he wishes desperately that he could protect them all. He trusts Erwin is doing the right thing, because he believes in Erwin’s own goodness, and believes Erwin, like him, just wants to help people.

One of the things Levi struggles with most throughout the story, I think, and in particular, during the final arc, is the belief that all they’ve been fighting for is actually worth the loss of life they’ve all experienced. I think this was always a struggle for Levi, because I think it was always hard for Levi to even believe in the possibility of a better, safer, happier world, because he himself came from a world of such desperate struggle and hardship. But he believed in Erwin, and that gave Levi the strength to trust in its possibility, and to dedicate himself to the cause, even as he suffered immensely with each lost comrade.

And then he learns the truth about Erwin, which is that he hasn’t been fighting for humanity’s salvation, and his plans, which relied on the heavy sacrifices of their comrades, weren’t devised with the goal of humanity’s freedom at their core. Instead, Erwin has been fighting and sacrificing the lives of his comrades for a personal goal, both of getting revenge for his father by discovering the existence of humanity beyond the walls and proving him right in the process, and, I think, for the sake of knowledge itself, wanting to simply know.

This realization, for Levi, must have been utterly devastating, because suddenly it’s like everything he accused Erwin of before, while holding his blade to his throat and telling him that the lives of his friends weren’t worth his “worthless game” has come true. Beyond that even, the lives of every one of Levi’s comrades that he allowed to be sacrificed per Erwin’s orders, has suddenly lost it’s purpose. Suddenly, all those lives that Levi held himself back from protecting because they needed to be sacrificed to achieve the higher goal of humanity’s salvation, has been rendered meaningless, their death’s rendered pointless. And as is demonstrated again and again throughout the story, nothing is more horrific to Levi than a meaningless death, a pointless loss of life.

So here we see Levi’s true sense of betrayal, when he discovers Erwin’s true motivation. It’s not just that Erwin lied to him, it’s that Erwin convinced Levi that the goal of the Survey Corps, the salvation of humanity, was worth the sacrifice of his fellow soldiers lives, and now Levi discovers that none of those lives were sacrificed for any such noble cause, but rather a petty and selfish one, and that Levi himself helped facilitate those deaths by choosing to follow a man with loyal dedication because he believed in him and his vision so completely. The sense of guilt Levi must have felt, himself, upon discovering Erwin’s true motives, must have been overwhelming.

Further, it must have reignited Levi’s own struggle with believing the sacrifices of his fellow soldiers lives were worth it, even IF the goal was the salvation of humanity. He trusted in Erwin’s words, but it turned out Erwin lied about his true goal, and this in turn must have also caused Levi to doubt whether what Erwin said about the worth of sacrificing their lives for humanity’s freedom was even true. Whether it was really the right decision for any of them, to have given up on all their dreams and hopes, and to put their lives on the line, in the first place, even if they’d been fighting for something as noble, but also as distant, as a better world.

This struggle and conflict in Levi is never more evident than during the final arc of SnK, in which he openly wears an expression of heartbreaking grief and despair, as he has to watch more and more of his comrades lose their lives, and indeed, all of humanity lose their lives.

It all truly goes against everything Levi believes in, which is that people’s lives have value, and are worth something, and that they deserve to be preserved, and yet he’s put into a position again and again of having to watch people’s lives be snuffed out, whether by choice, in the case of his comrades sacrificing themselves for a greater good, or not by choice, people being killed just due to the circumstances of war.

I said in my post from last night that if it were up to Levi, I don’t think he would ever choose to place the people he cares about in harms way. I think he would do everything in his power to keep them out of combat situations, or any situation which could endanger their lives, and he would want them to simply just live long and happy and safe lives, in which they get to realize their hopes and dreams. But because it isn’t up to Levi, because the people he is close to and cares about have THEMSELVES chosen this path of self-sacrifice, he instead does the only thing he can, which is to try and protect them and keep them alive. This is one of the reasons Levi takes action, takes initiative more quickly than anyone else, why he never hesitates. Because if it means defending the lives of his friends and comrades, he’ll do whatever it takes, including bloodying his own hands, without thought spared for himself or the toll of it on him.

But of course, his dedication to that runs into direct conflict with his dedication to Erwin and the goal of the SC, which is to achieve humanity’s freedom, and Levi often is forced to choose between the two, often having to give up on his personal desire to save individual lives in order to achieve the higher cause of saving the human race.

Thinking about this in the context of Levi’s discovery about Erwin especially hurts, because it really underlines just how deep a sense of betrayal it had to have caused in Levi, to know he’s set aside his own need and want to help people, and allowed so many of his comrades to die for a cause which he now knows wasn’t, in fact, worth it.

Of course, Erwin then gives up his selfish dream and rededicates himself to the higher goal of humanity’s salvation, and that allows Levi to continue fighting at his side and to follow his orders. But it throws Levi’s feelings about Erwin’s and the other Scouts charge at the Beast Titan into greater relief, because he’s just gone through a period of extreme doubt and turmoil as to the meaning, as to the point of all the lives he’s had to see sacrificed during his years in the SC, and now, here, again, he’s having to allow more lives still to be given, unable to intervene or protect them because it’s necessary in order to keep the hope for humanity alive.

We see how hard Levi takes every death of every soldier both under his command and not, throughout the story. We see it with his own squad after he discovers their bodies in the forest, we see it with Niffa, after Kenny kills her, we see it with the soldiers in Shinganshina, and Erwin, we see it with his men in the forest after Zeke turns them into Titans, we see it with Hange, etc... He takes all of their deaths so deeply to heart, because Levi is such a deeply caring and compassionate man, who sees great value in the lives of all people. And honestly, that makes his willingness to fight for and defend their dreams and choices, even when those dreams and choices endanger their very lives, all the more remarkable, precisely because it’s so hard for him, precisely because he doesn’t WANT to let them sacrifice themselves, he wants to protect them. Precisely because, each time one of them loses their lives, it takes something vital out of Levi himself. He suffers the weight of their loss at his core. It HURTS him. To support their choices, their dreams and ambitions and goals, Levi is then an active participant in causing himself pain, and yet still, he does it, and that really is the definition of a selfless hero. He knows the price he’ll have to pay, the toll on himself for putting aside his own desire to protect and save all of them, and he does it anyway, for them, and for humanity.

But as determinedly as Levi tries never to regret his choices, I think it’s clear he struggles immensely with doing so, because he’s never certain as to whether any of it is worth it. He wants so much to protect the lives of those he loves and cares for, and wants so much, also, to fight for and help them realize their dreams. He went to the surface with Furlan and Isabel exactly for this reason, because their dream was to live up above, all while going against his own wish to simply stay in the Underground and take care of them. And he ended up losing them because of it, the same as he ended up losing so many other friends and comrades, because of fighting for their dream of a world free from Titans.

This constant conflict, this constant pull back and forth within Levi, between wanting to protect and preserve the lives of those he cares for, and wanting to support and defend and fight for their dreams, is an aspect of his character which is, I think, deeply tragic.

It’s like he can’t win for losing.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #Levi Ackerman #Erwin Smith #meta #snk analysis #thoughts

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bokunosoul · 3 years

Note

overhaul with a sibling who's a lot like yushiro from demon slayer? how would he react if they were attending ua behind his back? love that there's another demon slayer fan!

Overhaul reacts to brother reader that is like Yushiro from Demon slayer attending UA behind his back

TW : Human trafficking, mentions of blood

So lets set this scene, you are basically Overhaul's brother and you lived under his control you also have no freedom and has no idea what is the outside world is like.

One time you disobeyed you ended up being on the surgerical bed and all day long and he tortured you almost to d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ he also injected a couple of illegal medicines on you.

You and eri are also in the same boat.He conducted many researches and experiments on both of your bodies and sells the drugs that he made on both of you in the black market.

You are also Eri's caretaker since the day she was brought in the yakuza - mansion.Yoy the one she can rely on the even in hardest times even though when she can't express her feelings well.

You actually also dont know about you and Eri's quirk that much.But your "so called" brother said that it is powerful and they both needed you on his league.

Days, weeks, months passed you had enough and decided to take along Eri with you to escape.You conducted a whole plan to escape.Thankfully your observant and know the basics on how to make an sleeping pill.

Every night your brother commands you to make him food smth like that.You, an pharmaceutical genius ended up drugging him without noticing.

T̶o̶o̶ b̶a̶d̶.He's too sharp.

You ended up running with Eri while Overhaul commands his team to capture you and the scared little girl.

The last thing you know is you and Eri getting surrounded by overhauls underlings.You started fighting back even without knowing what exactly how your quirk works.Blood and several broken bones is the consequences that you received.

Your in the verge of giving up, you were naive and weak as an 12 year old boy protecting an 3 year old girl.

Then suddenly you exploded blood and several human organs surrounded the whole shie-hassaikai base also the scared little girl's screamed echoed throught the base.

But why, why can you still feel your whole body even when your dead.The last thing you knew Eri was taken away and everyone was disposing of your blood and your body.

Your body ended up getting thrown to the river carelessly, your body that has been exploded piece by piece also ended up regenerating and ended up being normal again.You also don't feel pain.So you thought.This is my quirk huh?

A sigh of relief and hot blood comes rushing in through your veins as you ended up not being able to bring Eri along with you.

You did not cried at all.Crying is pointless and staying like this is also worthless.

The thing that first comes into mind is you going to turn yourself in to the child welfare services.You introduced yourself as an child sold by your family and you also introduced yourself with an fake name to hide your real identity.

You ended up being adopted by an family living in the city.You don't care at all as you long you can have revenge and save your sister and you will together escape this madness again.

You also go to know how to use your quirk well and uncover many secrets about it.

Your adoptive parents also started noticing on how quite your good at using your quirk so they ended up home schooling you.They were shocked you were such an intelligent obedient child they also treated you like their own.

You feel kinda safe,warm and comfortable at the same time.You also can't help to feel bad and burdened on how you abandoned Eri.Your living in heaven while she's experiencing hell.What a good brother you are you asked to yourself.

3 years passed you basically got into UA due to hardwork and determination You became also strong and your appearance drastically changed.

Meanwhile everyone UA aims to be number one and your goal is to save your sister from your pathethic brother.You also kept an low profile of yourself to hide your existence.

You actually ended up getting along with most of the class especially to Midoriya.You dont know why because he just gives the scent that you can trust him and he's a good person.

Also the girls in the class likes you because you respect them and also beat that little shit up by being a huge pervert.(if you know you know)

Time passes by and eventually their will be an upcomming event, the UA sports festival.Everyone in the class is excited meanwhile you are anxious, your identity will exposed and all your hardwork will go down the drain.

It does'nt matter,your much stronger and confident now.The sports festival came to an end and everyone gathered at the classroom for an sudden meeting. To be honest you did great on the event but you did not manage to get through the top 3 rankings.

You ended up getting an reccomendation to a hero agency.You accepted the reccomendation and it was basically for a month to get better and stronger.

Everything happened so fast, you ended up getting an reccomendation and accepting it and getting attacked by the villains.So UA decided to just make an dorm system to make sure that the students are safe at all times.

Aizawa announced that there will be an hero internship and you ended up getting back to the agency that trained you a few months ago.

Everyday is like usual you did multiple patrols, go to school to study and mostly can't sleep in the night.

You and so as the others like uraraka, tsuyu, midoriya, kirishima ended up being summoned at Nighteye's agency.

Their were many pro heroes as well your teacher, Aizawa is here.You can sense that the situation is quite serious and Midoriya and Mirio is acting weird and you can also sense fear in them.

Nighteye's sidekick bubble girl and centipeder explained that there is a villain on the loose.You lost your complexion, you felt sick and scared.All of your memories in hell projected throughout your head "Y/N - san are you okay? your complexion does'nt seem too good." tsuyu said in an concerned voice.

You replied, that your okay and you said that you've never ever seen something brutal.

As they've continue on nighteye mentioned that overhaul or also known as kai chisaki has an daughter.

You snapped and standed up while shaking " What seems to be your problem Mr.L/N?" nighteye said in his intimidating voice,everyone was staring at you like your crazy.

"I-i have something to confess." you said as your voice trembled

"And what is that?"

"My brother is Overhaul."

"Y/N - san you must be mistake----."

"NO! YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR GETTING INTO, AND THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IF YOU GOT SHOT BY THOSE DRUG YOUR QUIRK WILL BE DESTROYED AND WORSE SOMEONE WILL DIE!" you yelled and everyone stared at you with disgusted faces and even in disbelief

"So your saying that your in hands with Overhaul or your so called brother?"

"No... I tried escaping with Eri but she was taken away and my body exploded in pieces and my body parts ended up being thrown carelessly through the river,thanks to my quirk i can basically regenerate and create an new identity.However i did not accomplished on taking her with me.AND DONT YOU DARE IMPLY MYSELF WITH THAT MANIPULATIVE PATHETHIC MAN DONT YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE BEING TORTURED EVERYDAY?EVERYDAY IS HELL AND IF WE MAKE A MISTAKE ONE FLICK OF THAT BULLET YOUR BASICALLY AN DEADMAN WALKING!AND I HATE SEEING PEOPLE DIE IN HIS HANDS!" you yelled in frustration.

Your classmates, stared at you in disbelief you are the most calm and composed person in every situation but in this situation, they did not know that you we're in despair.

"S-sorry, with that said.He thinks that i'm dead but no and i'm not affiliated with him anymore, plus the last time we saw eachother is 3 years ago."

"So please, i beg you save my sister she's all i have." you said as you bowed to the ground showing pure respect.

Nighteye sighed and he said he saw that coming and commanded you to tell everything that he did to you amd Eri and about their Yakuza gang.He also said to keep an distance and do not fight in the infiltration of their base.He also said to Aizawa to protect you.You agreed, it's the least thing that you can do to help in this kind of situation.

The day comes and you were basically watched by Aizawa eyes wide open (Lmao i just remembered i cant stop me and cry for me #Once #Twice).

You ended up not taking it anymore and sneaking out of the UA teacher dorm without anyone noticing.

You have no problem in making it through the base but you have to fight multiple of villains tho.You ended up seeing the sight of the ruined base and seeing your brother and Mirio fighting over the little girl.

"OVERHAUL!" you yelled in your booming voice as you've appear in the darkness wearing your hero suit .

"R/N?ah, so your alive?" he said in disbelief .

"Yes?so?my dear pathethic brother also known as overhaul."

"Too bad i shot him already." he said as he pointed at Mirio's struggling limp body as Eri just covered herself with his scrapped cape.

You ended up fighting him one on one.You knew that he was strong and powerful and so are you.

The last thing you knew was going all out with your quirk and passing out to the ground and you were in the hospital getting treated by recovery girl.

A few hours later you received the news that everyone in the Yakuza got arrested but Overhaul got taken away by the league of villains,Mirio ended up getting shot by the quirk destroying drug and ended up loosing his quirk.

Lastly sir nighteye got killed due to the bad injury that he got whilst fighting him.On the good side Eri was taken custody of and is doing well in the hospital together with Mirio and Deku.

You sighed in contentment and walked in your hospital clothes in the hallway trying to find her hospital room.

Your heart started racing and you saw the letter engraved "ERI" you finally mustered up the courage into opening the door.You saw Deku and Mirio playing with her

"Y/N - chan your here!" Deku said enthusiatically.

The little girl hids on her sheets when she thought that you were a bad person along with Aizawa.Mirio said that it is okay and you two are their teacher and a school mate.

"Eri - chan do you remember me?" you said on your soft voice she immidiately remembers that familliar voice, her eyes widened and ended up throwing her arms onto your embrace crying.

"R/N!"

"You do remember me!Your okay now your safe,nii-san is here to protect you and will not leave you alone." you said sobbing while hugging the little girl she nodded and you two just stayed like there for a while.

Deku and Mirio : 🥺 (Lmao you to scootch along i'm her real brother🔪).

And finally the hospital visit is over and they allow you to visit her along with Deku and Mirio during weekends on the hospital.

You also apologized to Midoriya and Mirio for meddling the middle of the fight.Instead they thanked you and if you were not there they would've ended up dead.

A few weeks later she can finally get out of the hospital and ended up being in Aizawa's care in the teacher's dorm in UA.Since you trusted him you allowed him to take care of her.

You also take care of her when Aizawa is not around along with Deku and Mirio in the dorms.

The whole class is also shocked in how much your attitude and behavi reverses when Eri's around.They were like : 🧐,🤭,🥰,😍,🤩,😱 is that even possible HShsgsh.

You also learned how to cook and teach Eri how to read and learn you also play with her ofc.

You also became more confident, and a .Lmao the look on your face when bakugo called you an Tsundere.And you said in the most murderous voice ever "DIE." then Eri comes in like : 🙁🗿.

"I said i will DYE my hair later pink HAHAHHAHAH😃." you said jokingly.

Everyone was like : 👁️👄👁️ Meanwhile eri's just : yea im down with that face with a small nod and a smile***

Mina aswell as the others ended up taking the joke seriously and you ended up having a pink hair color the next day to school.

Monoma said that you looked pretty u̶g̶l̶y̶ he ended up getting beat up by kendo.(SHHSHSHEHE LMAO😂).

Shoto thinks it's cool HAHAHHAHA.

Eri said that she likes it and it looks nice to you.Iida and Aizawa lets you slide disobeying the school rules just this ONCE he just wants to see the little girl happy.

The reaction on your adoptive families face when you told them that you have a sister is priceless.They we're like : " i guess we need to adopt another one." S̶i̶k̶e̶.

Note : the gif is not mine a̶n̶d̶s̶o̶a̶r̶e̶y̶o̶u̶

💌 : OMGGG THANKS FOR REQUESTING AGAIN!✨Sorry it took too long hehehe anyways! i'm stoked to see that you also watch Demon slayer! it's really an good anime and i'm looking forward in the movie that will be released!the animation will be so sick😫✨💥.

ORIGINALLY by : bokunosoul

#mha imagines #mha x y/n #mha x reader #class 1 a x reader #overhaul x reader #mha headcanons #mha drabbles #kny

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kaile-hultner · 3 years

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Nihilism is so easy, which is why we need to kill it

(I initially published this here a couple weeks ago.)

So last night it dawned on me that, after over two years of being relatively symptom-free, my depression snuck back up on me and has taken over. It’s still pretty mild in comparison to other times I’ve been stuck in the hole, but after 24 months (and more) of mostly being good to go, I can tell that it’s here for a hot minute again.

How do I know? Well, it might be the fact that I spent more time sleeping during my recent vacation from work than I did just about anything else, and how it’s suddenly really hard for me to stay awake during work hours. I don’t really have an appetite, and in fact nausea hits me frequently. I don’t really have any emotional reactions to things outside of tears, even when tears aren’t super appropriate to the situation (like watching someone play Outer Wilds for the first time). And I’ve been consuming a lot of apocalyptic media, to which the only response, emotional or otherwise, I can really muster is “dude same.”

For a long time I was huge into absurdist philosophy, because it felt to my depressed brain like just the right balance between straight up denying that things are bad (and thus we should fix them, or at least try to do so) and full-blown nihilism. This gives absurdism a lot of credit; mostly it’s just a loose set of spicy existentialist ideas and shit that sounds good on a sticker, like “The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”

In the last couple years, while outside of my depressive state, I went back to Camus’ work and found a lot of almost full-on abusive shit in it. Not toward anyone specifically, but shit like “nobody and nothing will care if you’re gone, so live out of spite of them all” rubs me the wrong way in retrospect. The philosophy Camus puts out opens the door for living in a very self-destructive fashion; that in fact the good life is living without care for yourself or anyone/anything else. The way Camus describes and derides suicide especially is grim as fuck, and certainly I would never recommend The Myth of Sisyphus to anyone currently struggling with ideation. That “perfect balance” between denial and nihilism is really not that perfect at all, and in fact skews much more heavily towards the latter.

Neon Genesis Evangelion has been a big albatross around my neck in terms of the media products I’ve consumed in my life that I believe have influenced my depression hardcore. It sits in a similar conversational space to Camus’ work, in that it confronts nihilism and at once rejects and facilitates it. A lot of folks remark that Evangelion is pretty unique – or at least uncommon – in its accurate portrayal of depression, especially for mid-90s anime properties. The thing I notice always seems to be missing in these discussions is that along with that accurate portrayal comes a spot-on – to me, at least – depiction of what depression does to resist being treated. This is a disease that uses a person’s rational faculties to suggest that nobody else could possibly understand their pain, and therefore there’s no use in getting better or moving forward. Shinji Ikari is as self-centered as Hideaki Anno is as I am when it comes to confronting the truth: there are paths out of this hole, but nobody else can take that step out but us, and part of our illness is that refusal to do just that. Depression lies, it provides a cold comfort to the sufferer, that there is no existence other than the one where we are in pain and there is no way out, so pull the blanket up over our head and go back to sleep.

Watching Evangelion for the first time corresponded with the onset of one of the worst depressive spirals I’ve ever been in, and so, much like the time I got a stomach virus at the same time that I ate Arby’s curly fries, I kind of can’t associate Evangelion with anything else. No matter what else it might signify, no matter what other meaning there is to derive from it, for me Eva is the Bad Feeling Anime™. Which is why, naturally, I had to binge all four of the Evangelion theatrical releases upon the release of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon A Time last month.

If Neon Genesis Evangelion and End of Evangelion are works produced by someone with untreated depression just fucking rawdogging existence, then the Eva movies are works produced by someone who has gone to therapy even just one fucking time. Whether that therapy is working or not is to be determined, but they have taken that step out of the hole and are able to believe that there is a possibility of living a depression-free life. The first 40 minutes or so of Evangelion 3.0+1.0 are perfect cinema to me. The world is destroyed but there is a way to bring it back. Restoration and existence is possible even when the surface of the planet might as well be the surface of the Moon. The only thing about this is, everyone has to be on board to help. Even though WILLE fired one of its special de-corefication devices into the ground to give the residents of Village 3 a chance at survival, the maintenance of this pocket ecosystem is actively their responsibility. There is no room or time for people who won’t actively contribute, won’t actively participate in making a better world from the ashes of the old.

There are a lot of essentialist claims and assumptions made by the film in this first act about how the body interacts with the social – the concept of disability itself just doesn’t seem to have made it into the ring of safety provided by Misato and the Wunder, which seems frankly wild to me, and women are almost singularly portrayed in traditionalist support roles while men are the doers and the fixers and the makers. I think it’s worth raising a skeptical eyebrow at this trad conservative “back to old ways” expression of the post-apocalypse wherever it comes up, just as it’s important to acknowledge where the movie pushes back on these themes, like when Toji (or possibly Kensuke) is telling Shinji that, despite all the hard work everyone is doing like farming and building, the village is far from self-sufficient and will likely always rely on provisions from the Wunder.

As idyllic as the setting is, it’s not the ideal. As Shinji emerges from his catatonia, Kensuke takes him around the village perimeter. It’s quiet, rural Japan as far as the eye can see, but everywhere there are contingencies; rationing means Kensuke can only catch one fish a week, all the entry points where flowing water comes into the radius of the de-corefication devices have to be checked for blockages because the water supply will run out. There is a looming possibility that the de-corefication machines could break or shut down at some point, and nobody knows what will happen when that happens. On the perimeter, lumbering, pilot-less and headless Eva units shuffle around; it is unknown whether they’re horrors endlessly biding their time or simply ghosts looking to reconnect to the ember of humanity on the other side of the wall. Survival is always an open question, and mutual aid is the expectation. Still: the apocalypse happened, and we’re still here. The question Village 3 answers is “what now?” We move on, we adapt.

Evangelion is still a work that does its level best to defy easy interpretation, but the modern version of the franchise has largely abandoned the nihilism that was at its core in the 90s version. It’s not just that Shinji no longer denies the world until the last possible second – it’s that he frequently actively reaches out and is frustrated by other people’s denials. He wants to connect, he wants to be social, but he’s also burdened with the idea that he’s only good to others if he’s useful, and he’s only useful if he pilots the Eva unit. This last movie separates him and what he is worth to others (and himself) from his agency in being an Eva pilot, finally. In doing so, he’s able to reconcile with nearly everyone in his life who he has harmed or who has hurt him, and create a world in which there is no Evangelion. While this ending is much more wishful thinking than one more grounded in the reality of the franchise – one that, say, focuses on the existence and possible flourishing of Village 3 and other settlements like it while keeping one eye on the precarious balancing act they’re all playing – it feels better than the ending of End of Eva, and even than the last two episodes of the original series.

I’m glad the nihilism in Evangelion is gone, for the most part. I’m glad that I didn’t spend roughly eight hours watching the Evamovies only to be met yet again with a message of “everything is pointless, fuck off and die.” Because I’ve been absorbing that sentiment a lot lately, from a lot of different sources, and it really just fuckin sucks to hear over and over again.

It is a truth we can’t easily ignore that the confluence of pandemic, climate change, authoritarian surge and capitalist decay has made shit miserable recently. But the spike in lamentations over the intractability of this mix of shit – the inevitability of our destruction, to put it in simpler terms – really is pissing me off. No one person is going to fix the world, that much is absolutely true, but if everyone just goes limp and decides to “123 not it” the apocalypse then everyone crying about how the world is fucked on Twitter will simply be adding to the opening bars of a self-fulfilling prophesy.

We can’t get in a mech to save the world but then, neither realistically could Shinji Ikari. What we can do looks a lot more like what’s being done in Village 3: people helping each other with limited resources wherever they can.

Last week, Hurricane Ida slammed into the Gulf Coast and churned there for hours – decimating Bayou communities in Louisiana and disrupting the supply chain extensively – before powering down and moving inland. Last night the powerful remnants of that storm tore through the Northeast, causing intense flooding. Areas not typically affected by hurricanes suddenly found themselves in a similar boat – pun not intended – to folks for whom hurricanes are simply a fact of life. There’s a once-in-a-millennium drought and heatwave ripping through the West Coast and hey – who can forget back in February when Oklahoma and Texas experienced -20 degree temperatures for several days in a row? All of this against the backdrop of a deadly and terrifying pandemic and worsening political climate. It’s genuinely scary! But there are things we can do.

First, if you’re in a weather disaster-prone area, get to know your local mutual aid organizations. Some of these groups might be official non-profits; one such group in the Louisiana area, for example, is Common Ground Relief. Check their social media accounts for updates on what to do and who needs help. If you’re not sure if there’s one in your area, check out groups like Mutual Aid Disaster Relief for that same information. Even if you’re not in a place that expects to see the immediate effects of climate change, you should still consider linking up with organizing groups in your area. Tenant unions, homeless organizations, safe injection sites and needle exchanges, immigrant rights groups, environmental activist orgs, reproductive health groups – all could use some help right now, in whatever capacity you might be able to provide it.

In none of these scenarios are we going to be the heroes of the story, and we shouldn’t view this kind of work in that way. But neither should we give into the nihilistic impulse to insist upon doing nothing, insist that inaction is the best course of action, and get back under the blankets for our final sleep. Kill that impulse in your head, and fuck, if you have to, simply just fucking wish for that better world. Then get out of bed and help make it happen.

#Neon Genesis Evangelion #existentialism #philosophy #media criticism #cultural criticism #spoilers

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elareine · 4 years

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Prompt idea if you'd like - Tim becomes an accidental vampire but hides it really well. However, one of their brothers (Damian or Jason) gets suspicious by seeing subtle signs (i.e. missing reflection in a passing mirror, occasional missing pouches in the Cave's blood bank, extreme aversion to daylight, are some of his teeth a little longer than they should be?). Thing is, they can't seem to get any concrete proof about the vampire in their midst. Wait... Is this becoming a game to Tim?

Hi, thank you for this hilarious idea! Took me a while to get to, sorry, but I guess it’s appropriate for Halloween?

Tim had been a vampire for two years now. It was… fine. Honestly, quitting his day job had been more of a relief than a burden. The added strength was nice, too. He’d figured out pretty quickly how not to bite humans and survive anyway (thank fuck for blood banks), so there was no guilt or worry about eternal damnation or anything.

Keeping it a secret was a bit tricky, though. Tim’s fangs kept extending at rather inopportune moments, and the mirror thing… At least no-one had seemed to notice that he hadn’t aged beyond seventeen yet. He tried to cheer himself up with that thought, as well as the fact that hey, at least he and Kon would always be the same age now. That was something. For now, Tim was free to live his not-life as he pleased, and he did please.

Until fucking Damian walked in on him.

Tim retracted his teeth as quickly as he could, but Damian was already on him, trying to force his jaw open, trying to feel his canines—

Tim relaxed and let him.

Damian swore when he felt the perfectly human teeth under his fingers. “What did you do, Drake.”

“What did I do?” Tim tried to speak around the thumb still poking at his molars. “You’re the one who—“

“Do not act stupid. I saw—“

The door opened. “What the fuck?” Duke asked.

“It’s nothing.” Tim threw a look at Damian—a challenge, and a warning. “He was just… checking for injuries.”

“…sure.”

—

Dick and Damian were playing video games in the living room again. Tim wasn’t sure if he really wanted to join, but… Dick would like it, right?

When he moved to do so, though, Damian looked up. “You,” he said, taking care to enunciate every syllable, “are not invited into this room.”

Tim stopped in the doorway. Dammit.

“Okay,” he said, making sure to keep his tone very even, the way it was when he was upset and trying to hide it. “Have fun.”

As Tim walked away, he heard Dick say: “Damian… that was really mean.” The answer was incoherent sputter at best. Dick must’ve broken out the Blue Eyes of Guilt.

Hah. Served the brat right.

—

“Your tie looks atrocious,” Damian pointed out. “One would think you hadn’t seen yourself while tying it.”

“Thanks, brat, you look terrible, too.”

“I could’ve sworn you knew how to do this,” Bruce frowned, stepping up.

Tim did, okay? It was just hard without a mirror. With his hair and stuff, he could use his phone’s camera (apparently didn’t count as a mirror, thank fuck, or the press would’ve found out a long time ago), but it was hard to tie a tie one-handed.

“Yeah, I must’ve lost my touch. Might be the fear gas from yesterday; my hands are still a bit shaky.” He shrugged. “Mind helping me out?”

Damian was fuming.

—

“I know about your secret fridge.”

Tim sighed. “What are you talking about?”

“The one where you stash your… drinks.” Damian smiled, visibly smug and way too sure of himself.

Tim raised an eyebrow and stepped aside. “You mean this one?” he points to the fridge in the corner of his room. “If you wanted something to drink, you could’ve just said so.”

Damian snorted and marched toward the container, opening it with a flourish to reveal the vacuum-sealed packages inside. He made sure not to grab the top one, but one from further down. Still smiling, Damian tore open the plastic, lifting it to his nose… and stilled.

“What.”

Tim grinned. Filling the three top layers with tomato juice had been an inspired idea.

—

“Yeah, we’re all good,” Dick reported. “Everyone’s vitals are in the normal range.”

“Except Drake’s,” Damian sneered, finger on Tim’s wrist. The older boy laid on the floor, recovering. “His pulse is non-existent.”

“That’s not funny, Damian.” Bruce’s voice was stern.

“I’m not joking.”

Tim grinned weakly at him. “Would you like me to… check your pulse, brat?”

“Eww, no.”

—

“Uh.” Tim stared down at the self-proclaimed ‘vampire hunter,’ now unconscious on the floor. The guy was still clutching his stake. “Thanks for the save.”

Damian tsked dismissively, concentrating on getting the silver shackles off the older boy’s wrists.

“No, seriously,” Tim insisted, “we both know he could’ve actually killed me, or at the very least exposed my—“

“What’re you talking about, Drake?” Damian scowled. “All a wooden stake through your heart would prove that humans can die without their hearts, too. That is knowledge I acquired at the age of two. I have no interest in seeing you die for such a pointless scientific endeavor.”

Tim stared, gobsmacked.

Damian allowed himself a tiny grin.

Tim’s answering smile, when it finally came, was all teeth.

#elareine writes #batfamily #tim drake #damian wayne #halloween

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fae-and-faem · 3 years

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Don't take this seriously it's just me venting i mean i hope i won't do it but it's on my mind and i can't get it out but anyway this is just a vent not for real if i attempt it's fine don't worry about me I'll be fine on the other side if i don't freak out of course hopefully if i do I'll be calm but anyway here is the vent:

"Dear to whoever reads this,

I know i may appear to be fine but i wasn't. I know i smiled and joked around pretended i wasn't dying inside. I know this isn't a shock anymore. No one really cares anymore after your 600th attempt. They just view you as some crazy lunatic with no future and no one who loves them. This is made to happen. I know i don't believe in God or anything like that but if he was real then this was in His plan. Idk how to do the caps for him and all that. I wasn't raised with religion. But besides that it was meant to happen. After your 60000th attempt there is no other way. There is no "getting better." There's just pain and suffering behind a smile that you put on so others think you're fine. But you're not fine... You haven't been for awhile now... I know it's just a simple "take your meds" but when you're deathly afraid of them that's the problem. No amount of telling me they won't make me gain weight or make me worse or make me feel so insane i lose my mind forever. Honestly i wish i would lose my mind reality is just awful. I love being inside my head, inside my made up world in my head. Where I'm fine and everyone likes me and loves me and i have a family, a home, a partner, children, pets, i have a life in there. While in reality I'm a no good piece of shit who does nothing but take up space and cause trouble. I'm worthless and i know it. Everyone knows it. No one cares. No one loves me. I'm all alone. I want to be loved by a partner but there's no one. Not one. I think I'm ready now. I've said what i need to say. Life is pointless and all that bull crap. Who cares if one suicidal dumbass dies? No one. No one will care if i die because I'm nothing but a piece of shit worthless nothing useless a burden a pile of dog shit I'm just not needed here anymore and i should die because of it. So here I am. Dead. Goodbye i guess. Sorry for hurting you with my existence.

Sincerely,

A fuck up"

#actuallytraumatized #suicide #suicidal #suicide note #self harm #cvtting

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alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer · 3 years

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Monet Issues

Happy COI day! Here's some no-longer-canon-compliant angst because apparently the book itself isn't going to be enough for me :)

No spoilers here, but I know not everyone is checking tags and such right now, so I'm going to tag a few people who have interacted with my fics before (lmk if you don't want to be!). Don't feel obligated to read this though, it's a little dark. @littlx-songbxrd @alastairxcarstairs @dianasarrow @doitforthecarstairs @archeronesta @thechangeling @styxdrawings @upsidedown-cats @fictionally-fantastic @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood

Fanfiction Masterlist

CW: mention or discussion of alcoholism, physical abuse, bullying, and toxic relationships

(title from the song Monet Issues by Chase Petra, which I may or may not have listened to on repeat while writing this)

Out of all of the people he’d ever snapped at, Alastair Carstairs had never lost his temper with his mother. Not until today.

“He’s the same. He’s the same as he was last spring, before he left, the same as he was ten years ago. He is never going to change. Not for Cordelia, not for you, not for the baby. Why are you still doing this to yourself?” he pleaded.

His mother smiled and sighed. “That’s enough, Alastair joon. Your father is flawed, but he loves us. He’s trying. You’ll understand one day, once you’ve fallen in love and started a family of your own.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Just answer one question then: if this child is a boy, will you allow him to do everything I was forced to do?”

She hardened her expression. “Joonam, that’s just what family-”

“No. Cordelia never did those things, did she? I never wanted her to. You never wanted her to.”

“That was different. She’s… Well, she has a big heart, you know. I knew that you could handle such a burden, azizam. I know that it was difficult, but look at the man that you’ve become. I’m so proud of you. These trials life brings us… they only make us stronger.”

Alastair could feel his stomach twisting as his mother spoke. “No.”

“Alastair-”

“No! I never asked for this! I never wanted this! You told me that I needed to be head of the family in his absence, but now that he’s returned, it’s as if the past six months never happened? As if the past decade never happened? He has been absent for ten years. Cordelia was allowed to simply be a child. Because she had a ‘big heart,’ you say? What about mine? Was it always small, or did you, did Father make it that way? Because I genuinely cannot remember a time before. When was I meant to just be a child? When you sent me away to school, to meet all of the boys who were allowed to simply grow up and make mistakes and learn from them while I was busy trying to keep my father alive and my family together? I didn’t need to be stronger. I was a child!” His voice cracked. “I needed to be loved and protected! I needed someone to take care of me, not the other way around! I needed to feel safe! I was a child!”

He clenched his fists at his sides, seeing white. “It didn’t make me stronger. It made me- it made me broken. It made me bitter and angry, so much so that I pushed it onto everyone else. It made me a monster. Do you know how awful school was? They taught me to hate myself. I became a bully because it was easier to hurt others than let them hurt me. I let nearly every part of me die, just trying to survive it. I knew someone who didn’t, a fourteen-year-old boy who I watched die. And yet I preferred that over the idea of returning home and dealing with Father’s illness again. Do you want to know the truth?”

He took a step closer to his mother, her expression hard and unreadable. “The truth is that the moment I met someone who I thought might actually take care of me and protect me, I ran to him. I trusted him like I’d never allowed myself to trust anyone. And I stayed with him, even as he lied to me, as he left me cold and alone night after night, as he made it clear time and time again that he would never prioritize me over his own whims and desires. I wanted so badly to feel loved that I gave him all I had, all of my time and energy and attention, knowing that he would never return any of it.”

He took a step back, finally feeling the tears that had spilled down his cheeks. “I’ve realized now that I deserve better. I deserved better. You deserve better.” He lowered his voice and looked down. He knew that his mother loved him, that Cordelia loved him, that maybe even Elias loved him, in his own way. He just wished he never had to wonder whether his life would be different if someone had cared about him. “I know… I know you love me, that you love all of us. I know that you didn’t have many choices. You were in a terrible situation. But I can’t stand here and watch you sit in your denial any longer, knowing the prices we have both paid for it.”

He stared at her, waiting for her to respond, but she did not. Alastair did the only thing he knew left to do: he turned and left. As he started towards the staircase, he stopped and spoke one last time. “You were meant to protect me, and you did not. That’s okay, because I’m learning how to be whole again. I’m finding better ways to survive. I am mending my own heart, alone, because it is my only option. But I want to make one thing clear, this is not meant to be the price of family. This did not make me strong, and you have nothing to be proud of.”

Finally satisfied, he retreated to his room without waiting for a reaction.

***

Sona returned to her room after her son stormed off. Her eyes scanned her dresser, a quiet mess of makeup, perfumes, Elias’ house key. She’d only just given it to him, but it was pointless. He always lost them. At least today, he’d forgotten them in their own home, and not at a bar or on a park bench or in some hansom cab halfway across the city. She looked up at her reflection in the mirror, at the purple spot under her eyes, at the wrinkles now set into her face, and thought of the days when she was younger. Did she always look older than her years?

Elias had been older than her, of course. Much older. Despite her young age, she’d been a widow. Not just a widow, but accused of murder. Despite all that had happened since, she could still remember clearly going before the Mortal Sword, confessing all that had happened, and watching herself acquitted and her husband’s death swept under the rug by a society that did not wish to face the reality of what she had endured.

She’d been frightened, terrified, certain that no one would ever love after what she had done. She’d always known that her life would be difficult, that it would be unlikely for her to find a respectable husband, that she would never marry for love. Theodor was supposed to be a catch. She was meant to be the luckiest girl alive. She was young and naïve and blood spilled for it over, and over, and over, until she broke. Until everyone around her could see that she was broken.

She thought that Elias would make her whole. She believed that he would take care of her, that he would love her, that he would provide. She hadn’t known how she could be so lucky, twice.

Now, she wondered if she should have taken off on that milking cart.

She’d thought about it many times, what her life could have become if she’d simply left. If she’d run away, away from the Shadow World, away from all that knew her past. She could have started over as a mundane.

She always pushed the thought aside. If she had run, she would never have had her children.

Her children.

Their lives had been much more difficult than she’d dreamed of. They were never going to be easy, not being who they are, not in this world they lived in. Some pains were unavoidable.

Some were not.

Alastair had been a happy child, once. He’d carried so much love in his heart, perhaps even more than Cordelia ever had. That is why, when he learned the truth, he agreed so readily to help. Because he loved Cordelia, and her, and Elias, so much. He did not yet know that for some, the cost of love was pain and hopelessness.

She allowed him to pay that price, the same one that she had paid, because it was easier than accepting the truth. Even as she watched him grow more and more anxious, as dark circles imprinted themselves under his eyes, as Risa shot her disapproving looks every time she asked him to look after Elias, or take care of Cordelia, or clean up some bottles, she allowed that price to be paid.

She thought that the Shadowhunter Academy could be good for him, that perhaps it would benefit him to be away from the house. She was a fool, and by the time he first returned from school, she could see that the little boy she’d once known had disappeared.

She could see him again, now, fighting to be heard. She could see that her son was finding himself again, but that it was a slow and painful process, and that he was still very far away. She wondered where her old self had gone, and if she could find her, or if she even still existed at all.

She’d always known that Alastair was similar to her. Too similar, it seemed, and now, he had made the same mistakes she had. She knew the pain he felt too well, the pain that she could see in his eyes, hear in his voice. She’d thought that was love, but it was not. She’d learned the hard way, and now Alastair had, too. She knew that it was not a coincidence.

You had the biggest heart of them all, she wanted to tell her son. It’s still yours. I’m sorry.

She did not know how.

She rested a hand on her swollen belly and thought about taking care of an infant while also taking care of her husband. She could no longer not ask anyone else to do it for her.

For this baby, still unmarred by life’s hardships, for Alastair, for Cordelia, for herself, she took a deep breath and gathered her husband’s few belongings. She threw them in a suitcase, along with a short note, and placed it on their front steps, locking the door behind her.

A/N: Thanks for reading! The Farsi words are just terms of endearment, like “my dear.” I just want to say that I don’t necessarily think everything that Alastair said or Sona thought is true (or that Alastair even believed everything he said), I was just trying to get inside their heads a bit. Forgiving (and blaming) parents is really hard and complicated, and I really wanted to explore how Alastair felt about Sona a bit more.

#fanfiction #alastair carstairs #sona carstairs #anti elias carstairs #the last hours #tlh #chain of gold #chog #cog2 #cw alcoholism #cw physical abuse #cw bullying #cw toxic relationship

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casualotptrash · 3 years

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Fixes to the Persona Series- Social Links

This was originally going to be the whole point 6 in my Fixes to the Persona Series post, but it was basically the same length as points 1-5 combined so I didn’t want to make the post mega-huge.

Link to the whole post about this topic.

(Spoilers for a lot of P3 things, including the plot and second awakenings)

I’ll start off with this point, something that needs to be fixed for all of the games is that you shouldn’t only get social link points for saying what the person wants to hear. I get the train of thought that if you say what they want to hear they will like you more, but that’s not how real friendships work? Obviously you shouldn’t be saying something that offends them and think it will raise your points, but sometimes people just need to hear things?

I can think of three standout examples: Nozomi in P3 (Gourmet King), Mishima in P5, and Shinya in P5. Nozomi’s link is a hot mess in of itself, but it was very frustrating to at one point just be like “Hey can you chill?” when he’s trying to induct you into a scam/cult or whatever, and it reverses the social link. Like ok buddy fuck you too, I was just trying to say no and that you need to stop scamming people?? For Mishima in P5 (I’ll go more in depth on him in a later post), it’s just kind of strange that you can clearly see him starting to obsess about the PT’s but you can’t really tell him he needs to stop until the social link demands it. Even then, the only way to get points is pretty much to go “Wow Mishima, you’re the best! You’re the reason we exist! We love you!!!” and it just feels kind of wrong. Shinya’s is very much along the same line as that, except you basically have to do something even worse and encourage him to keep being a bully? Thankfully P5 doesn’t reverse confidants, but I probably would have done so with Shinya because I kept telling him he shouldn’t bully others until I realized how to get points with him. It just feels wrong to encourage such behavior until the character suddenly realizes they’ve been acting wrong. No shit, I’ve been trying to say that.

I think social links need quite the fix to them, but this is definitely one of them. Strong, real relationships are not just built upon telling the other person what they want to hear.

Now I’m going to go into the structure of how social links are made and how they affect the characters. I have so much to say about this it’s not even funny. There are two major parts to this, but the second heavily ties into the first, so I’ll just go through them one at a time while trying to make sense.

The first part is that, simply put, integral character growth should not be tied to social links. The completion/tipping point of a character’s growth seems to be signified by their second awakening taking place. For example, in P3, all of the cast members awaken after a big event happens in game which causes them to grow. Most of this is them learning how to move on past the deaths of their loved ones, but still the idea remains the same. The game still has some pretty significant social links with party members too, so it’s not like the social links really suffered from this. In fact, I would say it made the social links even better, and it did this by fleshing out the characters further.

For this example, I’m going to use Akihiko’s growth from the story and social link in P3P because I feel like I know it quite well and it’s one of the best examples of this.

In the main story, it’s clear that Akihiko has a couple of problems. He’s quick to fight, reckless with his own health, and cant let go of the past. Along with these traits, he also cares very much about his friends. He considers Tartarus to be a training ground, is actually injured for the first few months of the game, scolds the MC, Junpei, and Yukari a bit for going out to the alleyway (where Shinji saved them) because it was dangerous, and desparately wants Shinji to rejoin SEES. Him and Shinji, on multiple occasions, talk about the incident where Shinji killed Ken’s mother. Akihiko says that Shinji needs to let go of the past, and Shinji echoes the same sentiment back at him.

What all of these problems step from is the death of his sister, Miki. They were both young and orphans, along with Shinji, and one day during a fire Shinji held Akihiko back from running back into the burning building. Inside the burning building was Miki, who Akihiko was trying to get to, and sadly she died in the fire (I’m pretty sure all of this isn’t revealed until P3P with his social link, but in any version of the game we find out that Miki is dead). Because of this, he felt powerless and from then on strived to be powerful enough to save those around him, which is why he’s obsessed with training to such a degree that he doesn’t care about personal harm to himself.

All of this eventually comes to a head when Shinji dies in the story, and Akihiko isn’t able to save him. At a memorial for his death, Akihiko says this:

“I was too obsessed with power. Ever since I lost Miki, that's all I've cared about. I thought that if I was strong enough, I could protect anyone. But I was wrong... And now You're gone too... I'm such an idiot. In battle, there's always a chance of dying... I knew that! But I was so focused on fighting that I didn't notice anything else! It didn't matter how tough I was! Look what happened!”

He cries for his friend, and then is reminded that this is not what Shinji would want. He would want him to keep living his life, and finally let go of the ghosts of his past. So, this is what he does. At that point, his character growth basically reaches its climax and he awakens to Caesar. This all happens in the main story of the game.

Now, how did they decide to do his social link in P3P? Personally, I think it was genius. Due to all of that growth being integral to the main story, they could not just take it out and shove it into a social link. They had to find another thing to make the social link about, and instead of making it about something pointless they connect it to the main growth in the game. (Note, this social link is only available in the FeMC route)

In general, what his social link is about mirrors his growth in the main story a lot. In the beginning, he treats the MC with an overwhelming sense of care, almost to a condescending degree. You’re always going out to eat, him saying how much you need to eat to grow strong, and jogging/running with him. Taking out the more romantic parts of the social link (although they are *chefs kiss*), eventually it progresses to the point where he asks you if you can stop being the field leader of SEES. Of course, he immediately takes this back and laments that you couldn’t just do that. You have the option to question if he thinks you arent good enough for the job, and he quickly says that the MC is capable, and he didn’t mean to imply that you werent, but he doesn’t want you to be in danger. The social link is frozen after this, as Akihiko doesn’t know how to balance his overwhelming worry and concern about the MC being hurt.

After Shinji’s death, the social link continues and he reveals the event of Miki’s death. At one point even says he feels like he doesn’t deserve to live because she died. It’s a very sad event, but because of his resolution from the main story with Shinji’s death he is able to open up to the MC. In the end, he comes to the conclusion that he’ll never get over the anger and sadness he feels for his sister’s death, and he accepts that she is dead, but he feels guilty because he wanted to ask you to bear this burden with him. He also starts to wonder what his feelings toward the MC mean, because he is very conflicted, and admits he might be seeing Miki in you (hence the overwhelming protecting nature he has for you in the link, and slightly condescending big-brother tendencies).

In his rank 9, he admits that he was tired of losing what was important to him. He thought that it would be better not to let things get too important, rather than risk losing them. He realizes this is wrong, and says he now knows he needs to work to protect everything precious from him. If the romance route was taken then he sees you as a precious loved one, while if the romance route is not taken he likens you to the status of Miki, aka a precious sister to him.

As you can see from the synopsis, a lot of what was in the social link is directly tied into his main growth in the story, however it is also not integral to his main growth. It stems off of it, not the other way around. Whoever made the extra social links in P3P did an amazing job at doing this exact thing, perhaps because they couldn’t change the growth in the main story. Either way, it’s a perfect example of how social links should be done.

If you’re interested in watching the growth from the social link directly, here is the link: Akihiko social link rank 1-10

You might be thinking, how is this issue really that big of a problem? Akihiko was a great character before his P3P social link, so if the growth is there either way (in story or social link) then it should be fine. My answer to this is in short, as the series progressed from P3 this problem got worse to the point where it negatively impacts the characters. The reason this got worse and impacts the characters so much, especially with the ones from P5, is because of the nature of how social links are set up. Obviously, social links are optional. They have to be, because not everyone is going to finish all of them in one run. This presents the unique issue of needing to make social links meaningful, but also not necessary. I would think anyone who reads that sentence would immediately understand how those two things do not mix well, especially when almost all of the important character growth is pushed into the social link. I’ll be using the social links (party members specifically) in P5 as my example to illustrate this because they’re the best for this.

At the very best, party member confidants in P5 feel like they contribute a good bit of character development alongside the story (on the surface). At the very worst, confidants in P5 feel like they actively contradict the story. Ann is probably the best example of this, but it happens to the rest of the main cast too, to varying degrees. I’m not as familiar with Ann’s confidant as Akihiko’s, but I’m going to try and do my best.

Essentially, Ann’s confidant is about finding her passion, becoming a stronger person, and overcoming her guilt. Outside of the occasional discussions about Shiho, how strong she is, and Ann discussing how she needs to become strong for her, one of the main things you do in the confidant is help Ann use various methods to be a better model (because she comes to the conclusion that she wants to be serious about modeling, her hobby, since Shiho is trying so hard to get back to her normal life). I have played Persona 5 vanilla twice, and Royal twice, and every time I have completed Ann’s confidant. That being said, it’s kind of sad that I could do it four times and barely remember the “becoming a stronger person” and “overcoming her guilt” part of it (outside of Ann saying Shiho is strong, and Ann asking us to insult her to make her stronger). She does have a very good conclusion with Shiho, and it’s is really sweet to see them hug on the roof and everything, but other than that the main outcome of the confidant is that Ann is going to really try for her modeling career and needs to change her habits because of this. Some of those habits she changes is by eating less junk food, exercising, etc.

Here’s where the issue comes in. You go through this whole confidant and have Ann come to that conclusion, and then throughout multiple scenes (and the rest of the story) Ann adheres to none of it. It’s the most whiplash I’ve ever experienced when one day Ann says she’s going to cut the sweets, and then the next something happens in game and she’s just chowing down on all of the food. To be clear, I do not care if Ann is eating a lot of a little in the grand scheme of things. Like I said, this is just an example that illustrates the total tonal dissonance present from the social link to the main story.

The whole reason this occurs is because, like I said earlier, the confidant has to be meaningful but not necessary to the plot. This is a major problem when pretty much the whole reason for her character growth, the plot with Shiho, is in the confidant. No matter if you do the confidant or not, in the story the characters will always act as if the confidant plot has not happened at all...because they physically cannot write it into the main story as it is optional. The reason this worked with Akihiko was because he had his main growth outside of the social link, and the social link tied into his growth, and the reason this doesn’t work for the P5 cast is because their growth is set up in the opposite way. Instead of tying their main growth in the story to the confidant, the story acts as a stepping stone for their main growth in story of the confidant.

I predict some people might read what I just said and counter with the point “You cant just expect their whole personalities to change,” and they would be right, if that was what I was explaining. It’s not. Obviously base personality traits are always going to be present, but the reason for having character growth is for the characters to grow. Futaba can always be more shy and timid around others, but if you go through her whole confidant where she learns to be more independent and then later on have her go somewhere and completely shut down? That is not growth. Her change can manifest in her being shy about going somewhere new, but adapting to it a lot quicker than she did before the confidant was completed. But, like I said, because of how the confidants are set up this is just not possible.

It took this long to get here, but we finally arrive at how the second point ties in. The second point is that, because of this issue with tying in integral growth with the social link, the characters end up being very one-note in the story (if you take out the inclusion of the social link). In my opinion, P3 doesn’t really suffer from this (although there still are bland characters in that game. Sometimes the writing is just not that exciting. Sorry Fuuka, you’re better in the spinoffs), P4 suffers from it a little (Teddie talking about girls 90% of the time, Yukiko laughing at everything, Meat Chie, etc.), and P5 has the most rampant cases of this.

This doesn’t mean that the characters are not well written, it just means that the game is going to be way more enjoyable if you are able to max everyone’s social link in comparison to only maxing a few. Putting aside the gameplay benefits, I usually love my NG+ runs more than my first run because it allows me to see all of the characters so much more.

I know that all of the characters could be shoved into stereotypical boxes if we had to, but we basically don’t need to for P5. If you do not do any confidants with party members in P5, tell me how many times Ryuji shows his remorseful and caring side for the trouble he has caused the track team in the main story. Oh wait, you can’t! He’s pushed around as the proverbial butt-monkey for almost the entire game, and at least Junpei and Yosuke got some deeper interaction with the story when they were in this role. If you only experience Ryuji from the main plot, you’d probably want to throttle him with how many times he ogles at Ann, argues with Morgana, tries to pick up girls, and shouts about being a Phantom Thief and wanting fame.

I will admit, they do have some deep moments here and there, when the main story calls for it, but other than that (again, without doing the social link) the PT’s kind of have as much characterization as a piece of cardboard. This is a big problem, especially when the cast is full of great characters! I played P5 4 times, and it still isn’t my favorite cast. There are some really good characters in there, but they just could not compare to the P3 cast for me (even though P3 was filled with a lot of highs and a lot of lows). Yukari was kind of a bitch and I didn’t like her for a long time, but at least I felt something! Poor Haru is just shoved off into a corner and characterized as the “team mom but would kill you, sad her father died, also has a crush on you” for the whole game unless you do her confidant.

Jury is still out on the P4 cast, because I see a little bit of what P3 had going on and what P5 does in them. Every time Yosuke is talking about something serious or profound I get really excited, only for it to be followed up with some dumb (usually homophobic) joke. I like the extra interactions the P4 cast has in comparison to P5, but even in those situations it feels like each member is kind of cast into their stereotypical role (Teddie want pussy, Yukiko laugh, Chie meat, etc.). I imagine once I do finish P4G and get to do my NG+ I will like the cast a lot more, but only because I will be able to do all of their social links.

Despite all of this, whether a character from the game has great growth or not, you can always count on Atlus to flanderize each character into their one “defining” (aka memed) trait to hell and back in any spinoff.

Sorry, don’t mind me crying in the corner with how Akihiko was massacred from a deep character into a protein junkie.

#long post #persona 3 #persona 3 portable #persona 4 #persona 5 #persona series #p3 #p3p #p4 #p5 #shush just shut the hell up about protein for five goddamn minutes #please god he only mentioned it once in p3 #maybe twice who knows #AND IT WAS COMPLETELY BY CHANCE TO SEE IT #Atlus why do you massacre your great characters #it's not funny anymore #I want d e p t h

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hopeled · 3 years

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Fate/Grand Order Dialogue Meme

Repost, don’t reblog!

SUMMON:

" Huh. Well, isn’t this a strange turn of events? Never thought it’d end up like this......ah! Right, I forgot: introductions! Forgive me. Fujimaru Ritsuka-- yep, the very same one. Ha, you look surprised! Me too, but don’t worry. I’ll make sure you make it out of this in one piece. “

LEVELING UP:

Level up – “ So this is what it feels like.....Arturia was right. They could use more flavor.” First Ascension – “ Outfit change is a go! Kinda like those old superhero movies, but much more efficient. What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? “ Second Ascension -- ” You think if I ask da Vinci-chan, she’ll let us put in a system that plays the level up noise whenever this happens? No? What do you mean it’s pointless?!” Third Ascension – “ Mmm. I used to always doubt what I could do to help, but I will not let this be a waste. ” Final Ascension – “ I told you from the start I would make sure you came out of this in one piece. I intend to keep that promise and like this, I can. So thank you for believing in me like this. Everything that I am is yours. ”

BATTLE

Battle Start – “ Let’s go, Master.” Skill 1 – “ Don’t get cocky.” Skill 2 – (imitating a Servant’s laugh) “ Hm? Too much? Sorry....” Skill 3 -- “ Playtime is over!” Attack Select 1 – “Gotcha.” Attack Select 2 – “You better keep your eyes wide open!” Attack Select 3 – “ I see.” Extra Attack – “Did you think I was finished?” Noble Phantasm Selected – “ So it’s come to this...” Noble Phantasm Deployed – “ Humanity must bear sorrow and tears, but still they struggle towards the sky. No matter far we travel, that is our guiding hope. For their promise of tomorrow, your end will be here. Don’t worry....for even this ending will be beautiful. ” (Anti-World, AOE: Apply Ignore Invincible to self (3 turns, activates first), deals increased damage against [Threat to Humanity] enemies (1 turn, activates first), inflicts heavy defense ignoring damage & lowers defense (3 turns) to all enemies and applies debuff immunity to self ( 5 turns) ) Regular Damage – “Hngh--.” Damage from Noble Phantasm – “Dammit--” Defeat 1 – “Ah....so it’s like this....but.....” Defeat 2 – “Don’t think.....this means you’ve won-!- ” Battle Finish 1 – “ Come on, time for food! ” Battle Finish 2 – “ I wonder.....would you be proud....?”

MY ROOM

Bond Level 1 – "No, I’m not hiding! I just....I’m not sure how the others will handle it if I just walk out like ‘ Hey, guess who’s back!’ without warning. ” Bond Level 2 – “ Come on, let’s talk. No, not about me but you. Ah, you wanna know something first? Alright then. Don’t let any stories fool you-- I was nothing special when I was a Master....and I was always afraid. “ Bond Level 3 – “ I never thought I was Servant material, nor did I really want history to remember me for obvious reasons. Despite doing all I did....I always wondered: would it work? Would things go back to normal? But I had to try, at the very least.” Bond Level 4 – “ You want to know how it happened? To be honest I....can’t really remember the details. I don’t know if that’s the Throne’s interference or something else but maybe it’s better that way. ” Bond Level 5 – “ I think I finally understand now....why so many did what they did for me. The path you’re on isn’t a cruel one. It will hurt you and try to break you and push you beyond your limits. It’s merciless, saving the world. You’re giving everything to it. But when you’re on your knees and wondering how you can keep going on like this, don’t worry. You’ll find your resolve in that moment and you will get back up. How do I know this? Because I was you, once. You don’t have to say anything because I know. And I promise I will be there with you, every step of the way. Both as your Servant and as your friend. And if you can’t find the strength to, I’ll carry you until you do. Your burdens are mine as well-- don’t forget that.”

Dialogue 1 – “I think it’s taking everyone some getting used to....seeing me like this. I can see that look in their eyes everytime I’m around.” Dialogue 2 – “ Come on, lay down. It’s rare to get free time around here, what with everything going on. So sleep. Hm? Oh, don’t worry! I know a few good spots where you won’t be disturbed and even then, I’ll make sure you get your rest. ” Something you like – “ My likes? Food! And napping, but Servants don’t need sleep huh.....I also enjoy origami. Sometimes, the Casters will animate the little creations for the children Servants....it’s nice, seeing them laugh. ” Something you dislike – “ Ha.....that’s too long of a list, you know? But I’ll go with something less serious-- I would not mind if cherry tomatoes were obliterated from existence. I don’t like their smug aura....it mocks me.” About the Holy Grail – “ The Holy Grail....I won’t lie, it’s tempting. But I don’t want it. I’d rather accomplish something with my own hands.” During an event – “Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Have some fun!” Birthday – “I know this probably isn’t how you expected to celebrate your birthday, but....it’s not a bad thing. Go on-- I’m sure Emiya has made the best cake you could ever hope for. Enjoy it while it lasts because if not I can finish it for you! Hey, don’t make that face, I was joking!”

#did the Maximum Pain way.#as the protag she can be a little busted #as a treat #▍♢ MEMES #leaves her class mysterious bc ooooooh

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