#and if covid don’t happen i would’ve taken physics and probably hated it but maybe i wouldn’t and maybe i would like astrophysics

[freckledgeto]

i shouldve studied something else i should’ve done stem

[abusedandromeda]

Grey rocking vs Silent treatment

This memory pops up more often than some others and it’s probably because this is the first time the tides and vibes changed my (DID) system and my abuser so I figured putting it into words would be helpful and hopefully allow my brain to at least calm down with this memory (it ends on a positive note, promise).

So it started when I took the step to shave my head I think about a month after covid hit the states. I tried asking my birth parents about it but the main thing was “make that your motivation to lose weight so you’ll look better bald”. It was because my birth father had a fold on the back of his head that you could clearly see cuz he was bald. And they said I didn’t wanna look like him (yes, even he said it).

I’ll talk about it more in another post, but I fucking hated my hair. That mindset took both an emotional and physical toll on me. It not only nade me miserable but I also never took care of it. I spent 20 minutes max on it, which is barely enough time to wash even a third of my African hair. Never scrubbed my scalp, never combed it through from the scalp. It was like having a child I didn’t want, but I forced myself to keep because it made me look good.

Even though it wasn’t the safest option and I knew what the consequences were from both of my biological parents, I wanted to shave my head. It was an easy long term decision too, especially since I wasn’t given very many physical tools to take care of my hair. Was never taught how to braid it, how to make combing easier, etc. I wanted to also think about what I’d do after I left my abusers and shaving my head was not only cheaper, but less emotionally taxing. All my alters (I think only around 12 alters) were in on it too. They decided that we’d work together on the emotional fallout since it had been less than a year we started grey rocking.

So, I bought a shaving kit from Amazon, and less than a couple weeks later, I shaved my head. Didn’t tell my birth mother about it, even though now I wish I told her to her face that it was my body my choice, but we’ll get to the regrets later in another post). My alters told and promised her we would comb out our hair, but I didn’t even comb it at all. Didn’t even wash it. Just took a razor with no guard to the scalp, shaved that shit, and live streamed it on my previous twitter (which is now taken down).

I decided to tell my alters to tell my birth mother now so we didn’t have to deal with her in the morning. If I had dealt with it, I probably would’ve just told her “I don’t care at all what you say or what’s disrespectful. It’s my body and it’s my choice. If you’re offended by that, then maybe observe yourself”. But two of my alters, Nick (WHO IS NOW A FATHER BTW) and Fel (Felony) decided to fuck with her and say “it was a surprise for you, bestie!” (Disrespectful as hell💀) and “now we can go to the pool like you wanted, bestie!” (She used to drag us to the pool every other summer week even though we didn’t want to). To be fair, they did end it with “well, I’m happy with it, so I don’t care”. Then, we went to bed. Best sleep we had in a while over there.

The silent treatment happened immediately the morning after. Honestly, we were okay with that. Personally, I had gotten to a point where I hated her so much that I wished that she would’ve given the silent treatment the rest of the time we were there. My other alters felt the same. There were a few times she did explode at us for very very small reasons (I think it was for crumbs on her countertops or dog poop in the yard, but I can’t remember), but we still kept calm and continued the grey rock method instead of what my 7th grade self would’ve done, which was kiss up to her.

There were a couple times she yelled at us to say “good morning” because it was “polite” even though she didn’t do the same during her silent treatment and she would’ve just ignored us if we did. Either way, we didn’t do any of that, since it was against the grey rock method. You don’t reach out to your abusers, they reach out to you. Act like an NPC.

Obviously, yes, it still did hurt. The little kid in me felt destroyed that my own birther didn’t like my new hair cut. I was kind of hoping she said I looked beautiful with it. I felt more ugly than I had before during that time period. I felt so naked and so judged during that time. But, the grown up version in me said that if I was only beautiful according to her own controlled version of me, then those weren’t compliments. Those were just tools to control. That’s why I never kissed up to her or demanded her to pay attention to me just like in 7th grade. Because that is not a mother’s love, that’s a tyrant’s force. I was glad she didn’t try and change her tune so late into my life because it only reinforced the fact that she would’ve never accepted the happy version of me. I was only “beautiful” as long as I did what she asked.

The only reason why I still regret what I did was because of my mom. I’d like to clarify that my mom and birth mother are two different people. My mom is part of my DID system. Yes, I am unofficially adopted, but she’s been an amazing mom. She understands my struggles, but doesn’t spoil me. She gives me space, but picks me back up when I do fall over. To give you a better understanding, her name is Windfall and she’s a tall, muscular alien. Not…not like a foreigner but like an actual alien…that’s not from Earth.

She’s the type of energy terfs really hate. She does boxing as a hobby, she used to be a guardian for her city back on her planet (defends her city from colonization), and used to have very bad anger issues that she’s worked on since we left my abusers (although it does come back full force if someone messes with me or my other two siblings). She damn near hospitalized her most recent ex (also part of my system) because she tried to emotionally manipulate me and my siblings. She gave me the name Andromeda because she thought of my imagination as vast as the galaxy itself, my mind as bright as the stars, as my personality as attractive as a black hole, my mood as constantly changing as all the planets combined, and myself as beautiful as the universe itself. It’s corny, but she really does love my siblings and I.

So my mom at the time was a protector. She was the only one due to the fact that there were so few alters. Nowadays, I think we have 10 protectors, which definitely would’ve been more helpful at the time but I was also a young system still learning to communicate with my other alters. The problem was that just because grey rocking was being used less doesn’t mean the job was done for all alters. Most of the stress fell on my mom, who was not only in charge of protecting us physically just in case my birth mother did make promise on her multiple threats to end my life but to also warn of the other alters of any incoming blow ups from my birth mother.

My mom had to read my birth mother more often. She had less to go on now that my birth mother wasn’t talking. It was a stressful task. I don’t even think she slept much during that silent treatment because she wanted to protect us so much. When I say the toll it took on my mom, I really wanted to do what my 7th grade self did, even if it wouldn’t work. I didn’t care about my birth mother, but I loved my adoptive mom like my own mother. I didn’t want to see her so stressed out like that even if it was her job and she grew up protecting others the same way. While my alters were happy they didn’t have to talk to my birth mother as much, and I was too, I didn’t want my mom to be so stressed out over protecting us.

But, my mom told me to keep grey rocking. She told me that as a mother, she’d understand if I gave in, but as a person (or alien in this matter lmao), she’d never ever forgive me. Another thing about my mom is that she’s really competitive. It goes along amazingly with her anger issues. She REALLY hated my birth mother. There was also something in it for herself. She wanted to teach my birth mother a lesson that we weren’t that little kid anymore. My mom was there when I was in 7th grade. She saw how I begged for my birth mother to speak to me, only to be ignored. My mom wanted me to prove a point and make sure my birth mother knew that ignoring my body autonomy and hiding behind accepting my body autonomy as “disrespectful” wasn’t going to fly.

My mom really drove in the point that whatever energy someone gives you, you give right back. If someone ignored you, ignore them back. If someone gives you a gift, you gift back. If someone doesn’t invite you somewhere, don’t ask. Don’t chase after no one, try and text people back in a timely manner to give that mutual respect. This situation drilled into me to never give more energy to someone who doesn’t deserve, but to never give no energy to someone who gave me so much. So, I respected my mom’s wishes and never gave in.

I know this part was very personal, but I think most of my choices during this time was indirectly establishing my own boundaries. We didn’t want to take a huge step back when we came so far just with our new grey rock method.

Eventually, my birth mother was the one who broke the silence. There was no begging from us for her to talk to us, just her randomly starting to talk to us like nothing happened. I remember it was dusk and we had to clean the garage another month later. I’m not 100% sure why, but I can guess that she realized that no matter how much psychological pressure she pushed onto us, it wouldn’t make any difference. She found out one of her own tools had stopped working. She realized that we really didn’t care about her opinions on our body. The rare times someone actually won and it was us.

Funny enough, my alters were actually devastated because now they had to deal with her again😂😂. For the rest of us, it would’ve been better had she never talked to us until we finally left. But I’m pretty sure my mom slept for like 3 days after that. She was really tired. For her sake, I’m glad my birth mother gave in. It was so stressful for her.

So yeah, grey rocking vs the silent treatment. Grey rocking won in this case. Yes, it did leave a few emotional scars for me. I couldn’t look at the first pictures of my shaved head during those times for about a year because it was so triggering. Yes, it did ruin the experience. But now this situation is my personality, to give the same energy someone else gives me. Not to mention it established our bodily autonomy and I could bet it was jarring when she realized I was an actual person and not just her kid. Not sure if grey rocking works 100% against the silent treatment, but it definitely worked in this case.

[purplesurveys]

1096

survey by doedear

When you get an account for something, what's the first username you try? It depends on what I’m signing up for. For social media and informal sites I use the same username I’ve been using for like a decade now just because it makes it easier for me to remember; for more professional websites I use my first name, my middle initial, and my surname. 

What do you think might be someone else's first impression of you? The most common impression is quiet and aloof, which I’m honestly fine with.

Is texting having a negative or a positive effect for social relationships? I appreciate that it makes staying connected with my loved ones a lot easier, but I disagree with how it’ll sometimes be used to deal with situations that are ideally handled by person, like breakups or serious arguments. In other words it can definitely have both; it depends on how it’s used.

Would you be okay with a friend wanting to date one of your exes? I might have a personal problem with it, but it’s not like I would do anything to prevent it from happening. I would not be in the place to do so. I will probably distance myself from that friend though, just so that I don’t have to get updated on what’s going on between them.

Have you ever been addicted to something other than a drug? No.

Have you ever been addicted to a drug? Nope.

Do you like macadamia nut cookies? Sure, though I really ever only eat one kind; Starbucks has a dark chocolate macadamia cookie that I like to get from time to time.

What kind of accent do people typically have where you're from? Philippine English, which I’d say sounds a bit similar to American English, excep for the small differences here and there  of our differences in pronunciation.

Bruno Mars - fail or win? He’s a win for me. When it comes to Top 40/pop music, he has always been one of my honest favorites. Have kind of a crush on him too lol, so there’s that.

Can you sleep without a fan on? During this time of the year, yes. It doesn’t last that long since Philippines was never meant to be a cold country, though.

Does history interest you at all? It really does; I can watch, read, and go to museums about it all day if I could. It was also my favorite class and it was the subject I could rely on to have good grades in and pull my average up, hahaha.

What's something you wish you could do-over? As much as possible I don’t really think of this as I don’t see the point in focusing on situations that are already done and over with. But if I had no choice, I’d pick the time I was a college freshman and make myself less-breakdown-y and less-depression-y.

How many times a day do you apply deoderant? Once, at the start of the day.

Have you ever tried any drugs? Other than caffeine, no.

What caused the most intense physical pain you've ever felt? The time I accidentally ripped my earring off and permanently disfigured my piercing. Also, when I touched a plugged-in clothing iron thinking it wouldn’t be hot enough.

Do you like those Sperry Top-Sider shoes? They’re actually pleasant to look at, yes. I’d buy a pair for myself.

Can you wear shoes like that without getting blisters on your ankles? When I’ve worn them like 5 times already, yeah. I always get blisters with newly-bought pairs, though.

Would you agree that dark chocolate tastes like rotten chocolate? Uh, no? That’s some poorly-made dark chocolate you have. 

Do you touch your lips when you're nervous? I have other habits.

Do you think you can read other people's body language well? Yeah. This is on surveys a lot...

Are you a good driver? I’mmmmmm honestly a little reckless because my temper is shortest when on the road lol. But since I’ve driven the longest out of all my friends and have grown used to parking in tricky spots, changing lanes, overtaking, etc., they all still prefer to ride with me.

Did you pass your driver's test the first time you took it? Yes. I think he passed me out of sympathy though (because I did terrible and we both knew it), because failing me would’ve taken so much more time on my end and theirs. And in the Philippines, getting things over with matters more than quality control haha.

Would you rather be involved in a watergun or a paintball gun war? At this point maybe a paintball gun war, since I’ve been to many water gun fights before.

Is your hair in layers or is it all the same length? It’s the same length. I haven’t had it layered since the 5th grade.

Is there anyone who you're afraid to be in a car with, if they're driving? A friend who’s new to driving, like Jo or Angela.

What's a quick fix for a bad hair day? I just dab my hair with some water at the sink; it’s usually able to do the trick and make me look prepared when I’m unable to take a full shower.

Do you enjoy flying or do you get scared? The idea of accidents and crashes scare me, of course, but I try not to let it ruin my experience of flying and traveling.

Be honest. Do you like making other people feel jealous? Sometimes but it has waned more as I’ve gotten older. It has just started to mean less and less through the years and as my priorities change.

Have you ever purposely made someone of the opposite sex jealous? No. When it came to Mike, I didn’t really flaunt my relationship since I felt bad for him.

Are you addicted to shopping? Nope, but I can definitely see myself being if I ever decide to make it a weekly habit.

Do you always wear mascara and eyeliner? I never wear either.

Do you have any huge hoodies lined with snuggly fur on the inside? No, and I can tell you that is uncommon to see here because that sounds insanely warm to wear.

Is there anything you do, kind of habitually, that's completely mindless but helps you think? I don’t think so. I’m not sure I understood the question, either...

Do you like headphones or ear-buds more? Earbuds. Headphones undeniably have better quality, but they’re bulky.

What's your favorite winter sport? I don’t watch or play any.

What's something you're very good at? Meeting deadlines. I never miss one.

Where do you spend the majority of your summer? At home? ...Where else am I supposed to spend it in? Haha.

Who do you usually spend the most of your summer with? My family. I don’t have any yearly practices set every summer.

How old were you and where did you go on your first real date? I was 16; it was a quaint, Italian-American restaurant in Greenbelt.

Have you ever had a bonfire on the beach at night? I don’t think so. I would love that experience.

Do you like sour gummy worms? Yeah. I like the more gelatinous kind than the gummy candies with sour powder on them, though.

Have you ever helped a complete stranger with anything? I’m sure I have, but nothing super specific is coming to mind at the moment...just little things like holding the door open for someone carrying a heavy bag, cleaning up the plates and utensils on my table so that the server won’t have to do much work, teaching a stranger the COVID safety protocols before entering an establishment if they look confused, etc.

Would you pick up a hitchhiker if they seemed harmless? Probably not.

When playing a sport, are you more focused on winning or having fun? Winning, which I know doesn’t make me the best person to play with so I prefer to watch by the sidelines anyway. I do have fun playing table tennis though :)

Who's the last person who gave you a piggy back ride? Gabie.

Who's the last person that you gave a piggy back ride? I’m lighter than everyone else I know so I’ve never given one.

Rock, paper, or scissors? I switch it up every time.

Would you be bothered if your boyfriend liked to bite you? No. I liked lightly biting my ex as a show of affection and just to get her attention whenever I wanted to be playful.

Are you any good at dancing? No. I’m good at memorizing routines, but could never do them on my own.

Even if you aren't, do you like to dance? Only by myself.

What makes you feel the most 'alive'? New places and new experiences.

Whose conversations do you appreciate the most? Angela and Hans.

Is there anyone's advice you value enough to take against your own judgment? Gabie. At least in the past.

How often do you get the opportunity to be completely alone? Very seldom, which is why I try to give it to myself every weekend as a reward.

Do you like being alone or does it drive you crazy? I appreciate if I’ve been around people for too long, but I also shouldn’t have too much of it.

Do you have a trampoline? No.

Do you get nervous when driving in convertibles, knowing that if you flipped, you'd be screwed? I’ve never had this concern because I’ve never driven in one.

What's your favorite Pixar movie? Toy Story, of course.

Are you capable of successfully lying to someone you love? I guess, but I’ll hate doing it.

Who do you adore? Angela’s mom.