#and im not even romancing Gale but for some reason he also thinks we have a thing and I just????????

[mathlann]

Me: *Accidentally triggers Wyll's act 2 romance scene*

Astarion and Gale, immediately:

[wyrmskulls]

I havnt recovered from the Caz fight yet. BUT

here are some genuine thoughts on Astarion from my- knew nothing of baldurs gate before playing run: (from me the Ace with no sense of self preservation)

"Oh great a sexy vamp man- bet friend XYX is all over that, they are romanceable, right? like dragon age?"🧛‍♂️

".... that 'don't touch me' sounded too real.... hope im wrong"

" I mean if we are cool with Shar worshippers and devil pacts why not a vamp, join the club buddy."

"he is a cagey little fuck I think I'll go after him this play through love his little faces"

"I'm not into pain, thinking this was a bad choice" chains and whips to not excite Tav XD

"I mean maybe it's the years of slavery and not sexual trauma???" 🙏

"noooo, I mean of course the sexy vamp wants to fuck, I probly have to- to get more of his story...." proceed to worry stupidly about unskippable sex scenes and noises for no reason (you can press x any time to get to the next thing / dialog)

get propositioned again at party.... "maybe this relationship won't work out, he's way to thirsty least there wasn't another sex scene lol dun worry buddy, I'll help you murder that guy that hurt you, just can't keep up with the horny XD"

"so I just feed him bad guys and tell him he is pretty? yup that checks out"

act 2

Start working on wyll, he seems like a cool guy... "whoa bud, is this you first romance scene.... by saying yes to a dance... feels icky cause I know sex happens at some point, like some entitled jerk at a bar, least astarion was real upfront about it" ( in hind sight this was unfair to wyll, but everyone was being so horny and the only scene I had was astarions so I drew some incorrect conclusions with wyll being a 'good guy' asshole)

"I mean we has evidence that deals with devils are bad.... or is it demons... anyways I support you in a friend way, getting raphel to Facebook stalk your abuser to make sure he not still pineing after you is OK with me."

Got his Act 2 scene "OHNooooooo I was right it was a sexual trauma 'don't touch me....' ohhhh noooooo. he didn't wanna fuck either????? baby boy, you never gotta sex again if you dun wanna, we can hug forever!" cried a while ngl

"look here blood witch- no means no, if your house wasn't destroyed, I'd destroy it myself."😈

"i mean he said he kills kids, so it's ok to kill him, then raphy boy will tell us if you back is bad news or really bad news <3"

"It's really bad news..... so no big astarion lover of cuddles l, will help you kill the guy who ruined your life. that's what romantic partners do. we kiss and nothing else and I will murder people to keep doing that <3" pondering an evil play through honesly

"he was so upset when Tav died in battle.... like doesn't he know rez scrolls are a thing? it's ok Tavs gonna live forever.... not sure how we will figuer that out" researches dnd lore to find several solutions XD

"Gale bud. friend. pal. I care about you and your life. your ex is shitty for asking you to do this, but also if you do blow up you'll take us all with you.... and even if you don't, #1 priority over there will be back under vamp thrall so this is a no go, put your shirt back on."🙃

act 3

found a cliff in the camp before act 3 with a song that made me cry again it is for sure astarions "wtf dude I was emotionally stable now what have you done"

"circus lady, here are all my loves deepest secrets- oh no she's a shapeshifter???? oops, it's ok love we will kill her too why not" No one can know how hurt you are but meeeeeee 😋

"a statue of my boyfriend in camp don't mind if I do~☆ aww now he has a halo so everyone can see he is a good boy who totally doesn't cause me to murder people and would never murder anyone himself" 😇

"Astarion NO, we are not gonna kill a bunch of other spawn just cause you are scared. I get it, and you don't have time for therapy but trust me that not gonna feel great in a few hundred years"

"ooooo blood bitch is back and you fucked up. look at this boy standing up for himself - yes that's right take us to your private house so we can kill you at our leisure.... man oh man I used to have morals now I got Astarion."

*****

and now I'm tired XD

[limpfisted]

wyll and romance! (spoilers for: wylls romance! its VERY cute. i recommend spoiling urself for it tho unless u plan a whole wyll specific playthru bc there r. very few scenes lol. like less than 30 minutes total.)

so i did not get this on my playthrough bc i felt weird to try to “persuade” wyll to kiss astarion on that save, but the fact that if u do, the next day he has a specific exclusive dialogue where this grown ass man says “my cheeks feel warm. am i blushing? i must be blushing.” with like the giddiness of the debutante ballerina he is, tells me that.

wyll loves when other people make the moves on him n are the “initiator.” he also doesn’t disapprove when ur slightly mean/overtly rude or call him a devil in his romance scenes, which means that, he has a good sense of humor, he likes em mean, or soft, as long as they’re giving him attention n he gets to see them smile and feel joy around him.

i feel that wyll has spent the great majority of his life alone exploring the world. some days mizora was his sole company, n only then thru his seeing eye, n thats not company he cares to keep despite his great yearning for the power she gives him. his experience romancing mostly comes from his teenage years—and while he has stoked his fires at a tavern or two or with a grateful survivor of misfortune, there’s a lot of time spent alone, thinking, playing pretend in his head, fantasizing. not always about romance, mind u—he’s not THAT much of a schoolgirl, n there were powers to master and training to be done even on his own. but under the stars—sometimes he dreamed of the ballrooms, even tho he danced alone.

i think he imagined a great love like the player character would come along. i imagine a part of him wished to be saved, and loved, despite or because of mizora. he’s not used to tender care, used to playing the charming hero, never being protected himself

when he is expressly sought after he gets embarrassed and extra romantic. he swoons when seduced. he can dish it out—see: his banter with SH and lae—but he can barely take “being taken care of”—especially when it’s so genuine, and he’s hurting so deeply, n his passions are stoked by a devil’s cinders…. n by a disgust with himself that only feels fixed, really, when they let him know his body and presence still make them feel “safe.” that he’s not an abomination or a monster—they’re still interested, they still care, he’s worth loving, or maybe, in wyll’s eyes, still turning their gaze upon, a summer setting sun.

he appreciates you so, so much. but also it’s a sistraction from the way his body n mind have changed. one he welcomes. one he craves, but can look upon with wonder instead of guilt. u save him from himself and his wallowing. u let him be a simple, ordinary fairy tale, even tho a devil cannot be a prince. that’s all he wants. maybe some u know, forbidden tomes n noble delights n excess as well, but mostly just a fairy tale. he promises!!!

in addition, and this is random, but i think wyll would be so good to be in a relationship with if u have mental illness. he doesn’t understand some things—like gale’s sacrifice—but he is so kind to dark urge. he knows you are not your intrusive thoughts, u just need help, and u can fight or overcome any feelings or thoughts that would harm u, n he thinks ur so brave for it, n he trusts u completely, like he hopes u trust him. hes no stranger to depression n self loathing n a lust for darkness after all, wyll sold his soul for the stuff, even if it was for all the right reasons tho i maintain the details r sketchy as hell.

if this all seems overly poetic its bc im practicing wyll’s voice here, a mini sample of what shipping would be like, LOL.

and this is with only two romantic scenes. then sixty hours later he proposes marriage with a magic acorn so full of love u can feel its magic warmth beneath the shell. i would love to see romances with player characters (companions included if they are “the player character) where we flesh that shit out! lmao

[bledmagic]

**the following is no way indicative of direct rp interactions & is solely referring to the personal canon to idrylla. if your muse wants to refer to the closeness of one of the companions listed here by all means, unless you are holding another rper muse in mind as that connection is different & not based upon these by the interactions idrylla & that muse has had. however if you would like to base interactions on these descriptions with your muse def lemme kno & we can plot on this further !

idrylla is not the only focus of the story, they are one of many that line the cast of our main tale & the interactions between idrylla & these characters drive the story forward or back. as the game still rests within the area of early access & there are hints from datamining of future companions this list is not complete nor is it going to contain anything proper beyond act 1 in terms of connections. with the previous statement said, here is each of our companions & the relationships held with idrylla as per the canon to their character & me. **i will note if i have romanced a npc like this, as the game is in early access n just like in who’s line is it anyway the choices n points dont matter there is no canon romance for idrylla at this moment in time. 

LAE’ZEL: idrylla has very few memories of the nautilus. their capture, their containment, & the escape itself is somewhat of a blurry mess. what they do remember is lae’zel. they remember her face, her struggling, her escaping that pod. they saw the moment the mind flayer infected lae’zel & the fear held within the githyanki’s features. all of this is unspoken between the two, but for idrylla it’s spurned a lot of emotions that have boiled down to pushing idrylla to get close to lae’zel & be quite defensive of her with strangers( shadowheart can make a few insults as a treat, lae’zel in return can make some serious threats in return as a treat ). it is with the first weeks of travel idrylla can be found hanging out along side lae’zel like a safety net, finding the familiarity of their escape as a bridge to base a friendship upon. despite that link that idrylla has tied between them they find lae’zel absolutely delightful in every way possible & considers lae’zel probably the closest friend idrylla has had in years, the honesty lae’zel shows in the most blunt way a refreshing change from the passive aggressiveness of the wizards guild peers. beyond all this, lae’zel is also the first githyanki has ever known & has prodded the poor warrior with a multitude of questions to absorb the info like a weird elf sponge, even going out of their way to learn on their own & ask lae’zel about later on. idrylla holds lae’zel’s opinon in high regard & often will ask her or look to her for her advice & even if not followed takes it in consideration. anyways they are best friends. ( lae’zel: we are not ‘friends’ / idrylla: you’re right. we are best friends, pal. / lae’zel: tch. ) **lae’zel has been romanced 

SHADOWHEART: while idrylla did try to save shadowheart from her pod, idrylla also has particularly failed at every turn to get shadowheart to even attempt to trust them. traditionally anyway. since the common ground of the parasite & needing to team up & trust each other has failed to get shadowheart to loosen up, idrylla has taken the approach to just be a utter nuisance to shadowheart. often chiding the other with jokes or teases, stirring up trouble between shadowheart & lae’zel, forcing shadowheart to go talk to people at parties( notable example is when idryl forced shadowheart to dance with them at the big fun tiefling celebration party in which shadowheart was so emabrassed she probs would have died on the spot if she wasnt actually having fun the whole time ), etc etc. shadowheart stresses idrylla out, so tightly wounded & clearly bothered by something that is clearly at times more dire than the worm in their brain. it activates idrylla’s older sibling mode near instantly as often the fussing of the other reminds idrylla very warmly of their younger siblings, one being very similar to the uptight cleric. when shadowheart does breakdown some of those walls & reveals her religious beliefs idrylla presents themselves as very accepting. while agnostic themselves, they do make a point to show they hold no ill will to shadowheart & support them, but more importantly wants shadowheart to learn to rely on them from then on to be more honest about anything. it’s after this shadowheart tends to be less antagonistic toward idrylla. but only a little less.

WYLL: idrylla noted early on that the “”””stone”””” that rests in his socket has a heartshaped looking pupil & annoyingly( to everyone except wyll himself ) calls him hearteye. as a baldurian they are very well versed in knowing the various tales & stories of the blade of frontiers. wyll is idrylla’s favorite drinking companion & the two get along like a pair of bros in a budding bromance that will make the fans go crazy. wyll holds a hard sense of justice that idrylla tends to think of a buzzkill at times, but does value the pull of morality his chiding holds considering her own moral standing at current is fuzzy at best. she does truly worry about how skiddish he tends to be about his guarded secrets & once learning upon the truth they promise to aid them in his quest to save his ‘totally not devil girlfriend’ & when wyll protests about such a title idryl simply responses ‘oh no i totally get it, hearteye.’ with a laugh & wink. idrylla also has wyll teach them the use of the blade, taking those teachings & applying them to their learnings of the staff as a weapon vs a channel for magic. often one can see them sparing in camp on down time. wyll is also the only one of the companions who gave idrylla a proper condolence when idrylla’s less than tragic backstory is revealed to the the companions, to which idrylla who was properly touched thanked him with a hand to their heart & a ‘aww, thanks man. you’re a real one.’

ASTARION: idrylla is far softer on astarion than they should be & they will deny it. usually such a judgement of letting astarion getting away with ( in most cases, literally ) murder is preceded by a loud groan or sigh. it’s not that idrylla wants to dull astarion’s sparkle, but more of a general worry. the more idrylla learns of him, the more & more they just feel bad( astarion: i rather be spared of pity, thanks / idryl: it’s not pity. i don’t pity you its just. well hearing that shit that happened to you ? makes me sick, man. horrible things to go through. makes me want to hit something. ). but the primary worry is what will happened to their newfound friend once the parasite is extracted, will astarion burn up in the sun ? prevented from hanging out with them at bars ? will they not be able to find something for him to eat on the journey they set on ? idrylla has no real way to comfort astarion in the face of his past & it makes them uncomfortable. all that can be offered is a arm about his shoulder & a ear to listen.  beyond all this, however, the two get along disturbingly well. idrylla’s current fuzzy moral standing & general pull to do really stupid things setting a stage for the two of them to act in their own chaotic fashion. the two make comments with each other that would make people wonder if they share a braincell. idrylla often pulls lae’zel into their shenanigans much to her dismay. the fact that astarion is a vampire spawn has absolutely zero negative effect or reaction from idrylla. **astarion has been romanced

GALE: i hate these two. considering gale being a wizard busybody i have to do the most divergent shit with this mf. love this catdad, anyways here go. gale & idrylla absolutely know of each other prior to the events of the game & have a loving rivalry friendship thing going on. they have met a few times due to the wizarding guild( take in mind, this wizard guild is something im developing for idrylla & is not canonical to the game ) of which gale would visit, but is not apart of, due to his associations. the two never had a proper moment of conversation prior but are as i said, very aware of each other at least in terms of their talents in magic. so whilst there is a pre-established link between them they are without a doubt strangers. their rivalry comes out at any time magic is spoken about or knowledge thereof. a interesting change in demeanor for idrylla who, for all intents & purposes before & during the events, tended to not have a proper ambitious or know-it-all bone in their body. the two will often agree about magic or purposely disagree. they speak of other wizards & generally are capable of working together to figure out spells or something magical in puzzles. when gale says that idrylla knows nothing about the weave, it took everything in idrylla to not set him on fire. when faced with the truth about gale’s utterly stupid need to consume magic & the reason behind it, idrylla simply just starts smacking him on the arm & calling him an idiot( considering idrylla’s recent expulsion from the wizarding guild spurred on by peers that are  power hungry & would do whatever they could to get ahead, the ordeal of gale sits very heavy on idrylla. while they does apologize later & explains the why. ). over time the two have gotten less antagonistic to each other & more or less bicker for the fun of it, showing that the two have found themselves more or less comfortable with each other & in their aventures found respect in each other’s talents. so far anyway. idrylla has threatened to steal gale’s cat( in jest to make gale wig out. )

[approximately12screamingcats]

the hunger games re-read part 1

so the first time i read the hunger games i was...10? 11? somewhere in there. the last time i read them (before now) i was probably 13. i decided about a week or two ago i wanted to read them again, because it had been awhile and i knew i would get more and different things out of them now than then. 

i just finished the first book, and i wanna share some of my thoughts, contrasting them to old ones and giving new ones 

under the cut because it’s gonna be real long 

katniss 

i’d say the biggest difference in my last times reading these and now is my opinion on katniss. when i was younger i had the easy opinion that she was boring and annoyingly emotionless. but honestly that’s really not true, and i think it was in part influenced by her portrayal in the movies, which i always thought was good enough but could’ve been better, and i’d go so far to say now that her casting wasn’t great. but also, a movie in third person is very different from a book in first. 

but really what i found, katniss is not emotionless, and she’s not boring. no, she’s still not what i would consider a favorite character of mine, i don’t love her, she’s not exactly my type of character that i love. but she’s interesting, and already a fascinating example of what hardship can do to a person. emotionless was such a wild impression to have of her, but i know i wasn’t the only one that thought that. i can say i definitely do not think that now. 

she clearly says near the beginning of the book that she’s learned and taught herself to appear emotionless, so that she doesn’t betray her true feelings about the capitol and endanger herself or her family. but she isn’t emotionless at all. she feels very deeply, whether it’s ones she can identify like her love for prim, or ones she can’t, like her (growing) love for peeta. 

the most marked thing about katniss is how her entire life has been driven by this need to survive. it encompasses everything she does, everything she has always done, and overshadows almost everything else. since she was eleven years old, she’s had to provide daily for her family, constantly watching out for starvation and arrest and death by wild animals. it’s no surprise she has no idea how to feel about things outside of that. she even says after the games she doesn’t know who she is when she doesn’t have to fight for food every day anymore. i haven’t gotten there yet, but i think that same theme comes back in the beginning of catching fire. her identity has been wrapped in this survival mode, and it’s twisted her into this person that has had to suppress any and all wants of things that could interfere with surviving. she’s not emotionless, she just quite literally has not had the time or energy to think about anything else and how to process it. 

the romance 

there’s a lot of opinions surrounding this romance. frankly, at the simplest levels, it’s part of the plot. the star crossed lovers of district 12. but yeah, of course there’s more than that. this is a little hard for me to evaluate without bringing up the other books, but tbh i’ll say what i think now with this one fresh in my mind and the others more distant, and see if it changes after catching fire and mockingjay. 

anyway, since addressing the love triangle is unavoidable, i have always liked peeta and katniss as a couple more than gale and katniss. originally, i think at least 50% of why was simply because i liked peeta and i didn’t like gale. interestingly, that opinion still holds solid, but that’s not really why i like katniss and peeta better anymore. 

katniss, already in book one, is not ambivalent to peeta and she certainly does not dislike him. honestly, i used to think it wasn’t until someway through catching fire that she began to really love him (romantically). but this read through made me realize she is already starting to in this book. it’s under the surface, and definitely doesn’t take hold until catching fire, but it’s there. their connection is emphasized and shown multiple times even before they get into the games. so many times it’s made apparent that she at least cares about him, but i’d say there’s beginnings for more than that. 

the unfortunate thing is that being pushed into the whole love story thing for survival, and in front of everyone, is a really terrible environment for someone who barely understands her own emotions to be processing new ones. she’s worried about him dying, she’s incredibly hurt when she thinks he betrayed her for the careers (betrayal is a very strong word for her to choose here too, when she’s been pondering this whole time how one of them has to die). she very evidently wants him to live when she finds him by the stream. frankly, he was already dying, if she really didn’t care about him, she could have easily let him die without it even looking suspect to the audience. she’s not great at medical, which is shown a lot. 

and i mean, how many times does she say she can’t bear the idea of being without him? of him dying? yes, usually these are either quick thoughts in a tense moment, or fraught with confusion or other musings, or paired in direct contrast with gale, but they’re there. she worries about it a lot. at the very end, when peeta realizes “it was all a sham for the audience” she even says she’s not sure if it was only fake, and that she misses him already. 

to an extent, there’s bonding from trauma here, but i don’t think that’s an invalid manner of bonding? and it’s not just in and after the games that this shows either. it’s there a little bit from the start. she just has to get to know him. 

i need to restrain myself from diving too deep into what’s coming here, but i’ll say this: as the books go on, obviously a lot more happens, but i really think one massive block in the way of katniss admitting to falling in love with peeta is the fact that it’s so blatant and open in front of the capitol. katniss hates the capitol, as does most everyone in the districts. but having her whole life on display like that, forcing her out of a decision, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, but it is very easy to see how that would make someone (especially a private person) want to withdraw away from that relationship. and katniss, having such a difficult time with her own emotions anyway since her live has been all about survival, doesn’t need that extra barrier on everything to muddle up her emotions and make it harder for her to tell what’s real or not real (lmao). 

as for gale, cause i know some people think she clearly loves him, i can get into that more as i get back into the other two books. but from this one so far, and what i remember, a lot of the gale vs peeta stuff isn’t so much about a straight up romance love triangle, but more about what katniss’ life is vs what she wishes it could be. katniss presents herself as a cold and hard person, but she really isn’t like that. she loves soft things, she wants to live in peace, she loves rue and prim and got excited about giving a goat to her sister that she splurged on a ribbon for it. she sang with her father and only stopped when he died. she says she could never admit to her mother how much she needs her gentle touch. the life katniss is living, silent and stoic and always fighting in the woods, is not what she wants. gale, her friend that she definitely genuinely loves (platonically), is parallel to her life. the hunter, full of rage against the capitol, symbol to everything she’s known out of necessity, not want. peeta is calmer, gentler, a symbol to the life she wishes she could have. that’s why they eventually settle down in the epilogue. gale was never the romantic partner katniss needed. 

but ive gone far past book one and i’ll get back into these analysis later when catching fire and mockingjay and the epilogue are fresher in my mind. 

the rebellion 

when i first read these books, my favorite parts were the action and peeta. but man. reading this through now, the story of this rebellion and the rising of people for their justice just screams through the page. and im not even to catching fire yet. it hit me when district 12 raised the salute to katniss, but it hit me even harder when rue died and when cato died. i mean...rue’s death. how katniss covers her in flowers. sings for the first time. drawing to light the utter inhumanity of what the capitol puts children through. but this part got to me specifically: 

“I can’t stop looking at Rue, smaller than ever, a baby animal curled up in a nest of netting. I can’t bring myself to leave her like this. Past harm, but seeming utterly defenseless. To hate the boy from District 1, who also appears so vulnerable in death, seems inadequate. It’s the Capitol I hate, for doing this to all of us.” 

i can almost hear the lament in that line, “it’s the capitol i hate, for doing this to all of us.” because that’s the truth. they throw up this show, driving them to competition, to hatred, but in the end, even the careers are victims of the capitol. 

cato’s death too, for so many of the same reasons. i mean, it’s hard to read this and not feel outright repulsion at what hell the capitol is putting on these people. making the mutts, making them look like the tributes, and then the sheer agony of cato being eaten alive. when katniss and peeta decide to kill him, to relieve him of his misery, it again reveals the truth of things, behind the fancy gold curtain the capitol tries to put up in front of the games. 

“It takes a few moments to find Cato in the dim light, in the blood. Then the raw hunk of meat that used to be my enemy makes a sound, and I know where his mouth is. And I think the word he’s trying to say is please. 

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into his skull.” 

these parts are the first set up we get for what happens later. the games are awful enough, but seeing them so raw and unhindered, from the first hand account, you can’t look away. 

i don’t know. i can’t put it into words yet, but it moves me immensely. just the story of a people oppressed for so long, revealing the horror and setting themselves free. 

other small observations

i kinda wish i had read these books again when i was 16. because 16 sounded so old when i was 10-13, but now it seems young. i would have liked to read it knowing i was the same age as katniss, picturing how that really would be. 

i also forgot cinna was not literally lenny kravitz. 

i have not read a book this fast for recreation in years, and im LIVING.