#and it diverged into this WHOLE EXPERIMENT AKDJHSDJHFSDKJF

[maariarogers]

i was distracted, in traffic

Summary: Suho deals with the aftermath of realising that life doesn’t and couldn’t resume for him in Korea. He remembers his conversation with Seojun that night after he saw him hugging Jugyeong, and decides on a few new decisions. Characters: Lee Suho, Lee Selena, Han Seojun Mentions: Suho x Jugyeong Other Parts: PART 1, PART 2, (but this can be read on its own, in the beginning of chapter 16)

Author’s Note: A re-write of episode 16, with a more considerate Suho and more background to what happened after he flew to US and took care of his father. Also featuring Suho’s mental state now that he’s returned to Korea and how he’s coping with cutting everyone off two years ago.

READ HERE ON AO3

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For a while, Suho doesn’t do much except studying.

He contemplates sticking with his sister, even if it means he has to follow the tiring schedule Selena always has line up, and the long hour on sets, and being in a place with people he doesn’t know gawking at them. But that train of idea dies quickly. He can’t bother Selena.

And, plus, he considers with this heavy sense of dread, he really doesn’t want to run into Jugyeong.

He hasn’t - though he’s tempted to. He could just waltzed in, he thinks a couple of time, there at the bookstore they always met, and if Jugyeong’s there, maybe he can steal some of her time. Can ask for - a coffee. Or tea. Or whatever she would like and maybe they could talk.

Maybe even over a ramen, like that moment when they reunited the first time.

But he left her, he thinks with a piercing regret.

He left her, and the one who cared for Jugyeong all the while had been - Seojun. And Suho has to understand this, has to accept it; even if apart of him hoped that Seojun was right when he seemed to determine that Jugyeong will only be rejecting him by the end. Still, he had told Seojun to go for it. Good luck.

“Are you crazy?” Seojun had sounded so offended that night for some reason, and it broke Suho’s heart. How long had he kept his feelings inside, this friend of his, how much pain had Seojun endured, and how massive had the courage been for Seojun to finally make his feelings known? Too long, too much, and too many.

Suho likes to think he’s cold - but not heartless.

“No,” He told Seojun that night, a small smile surprisingly came up to his face and Suho realised he wasn’t lying. He didn’t want to hurt Seojun any longer. “You love her, too. You need to do it right. Go for it. Try your best.”

Seojun had looked taken aback. Gaping. “Wah,” He managed after a minute. Suho sipped on his drink. “You’ve changed. What happened in America?”

Has he? Suho feels like he’s stuck in time, always. Like he’s desperate to be at the same pace as everyone, but he keeps missing the steps. He keeps falling behind. He’s still doing the same thing he’s always done. Half-mourning for the mistakes he can’t seem to correct, and half-in-wait. As if his life is on pause, and any time now, someone will reach the remote and hit it to play.

“Nothing,” he assured Seojun. “I’m just your friend, too.”

Seojun had seemed flabbergasted, like he hadn’t expect that particular explanation to spill from Suho’s mouth. But how can it not? Suho’s hurt enough people since the beginning — always a little too slow, always a little too sharp or dismissive, always too much in his head — it’s time to stop.

He has to understand. Seojun had held back for two years, all for Suho’s sake, and Suho can’t - he can’t be responsible for it anymore. Can’t hold it against Seojun just because he felt what he felt, and pursued something he’d always second-guessed merely out of respect to their friendship.

Isn’t it time for Suho to return the favour?

That was nights ago. Or had it been a week? Suho isn’t sure. Time blurs easily in between unpacking, seeing Selena and crying, sorting out issues at the embassy, waiting at a certain set of time to call Dad, then updating his therapist about what he’s been up to and how he’d been feeling — which, not great. But aside from getting to the root of what’s causing him his anxiety, nothing much changes.

Suho takes his pills. Still struggles finding things to fill his time with. Sometimes he still sleep for long hours and wake up at times he really shouldn’t be. He knows it can’t be jet-lag, though. He knows it’s just - his meds, maybe. Or it’s his head.

So, he starts studying.

He goes to a famous bookstore instead of the one he always knew, the one he’s scared he’ll bump into Jugyeong in, and he picks up exercises book — the one he’s so familiar with, but also seems so foreign at the same time. In the US, all of the textbooks are in English. Here, the Korean alphabets are crisp and clear. It makes him smile for some reason, makes his heart ache in familiarity.

Suho picks up maths, and some physics. He’s always liked calculating. It’s easy, straight to the point.

For a while, it - isn’t so bad.

Seojun texts him everyday, asking him how he is and threatens to barge in every time he’s late in replying. Suho - doesn’t know what to say, most of the time. Not necessarily due to the topic of Jugyeong, either, but more because he’s not sure how to start explaining to Seojun that there would be days where he thinks he won’t ever answer any messages or phone calls simply because he won’t even have the energy to reach for anything but lay there, empty, on his bed.

Those days are hard, and his head is heavy.

But so far, Seojun’s own busy schedule keeps him busy, distracted. He doesn’t have to go running around caring for everybody else. Suho shouldn’t be, but - he’s glad for it.

Taehoon texts him too, and that - still surprises Suho.

Best Friend, Taehoon would call him, but what’s so good about him, he wonders? Even after all these years? Even after the way Suho left, and never responded no matter the amount of pictures and links to some random game Taehoon would give him?

Maybe I should set a time, he thinks briefly, checking the schedules he has lined up.

And maybe, he thinks a little sadly, I should finally change my number, too.

The only reason he’d kept it was — was the same reason he still sometimes want to go to the roof, still has the studio where Seyeon’s pictures sat by the piano. He’s still stuck in the past. Still hopes, for some odd reason, he goes back to being eighteen and never ending that phone call with Jugyeong the way he did.

Maybe I should consider moving, Suho thinks, sitting back and leaning in his chair. These walls have too many memories, too many things he can no longer undo. Selena, she - she offered to stay at their family’s place, and it’s big, Suho’s been there before, and it’s comfortable. New. He can start afresh. And, he thinks with more consideration, Selena will be there most days. Even if she would come late, or would have to go out often.

But there’d be someone with him, by the end of the day.

I think I want to move in, he texts Selena, almost impulsive, but no - not really. Not when it took him about twenty minutes just staring there wondering if he was truly ready to let this apartment go. He’d just settled in, what if it will - get better? What if these blue walls won’t make him feel so sad anymore one of these days?

But then, he gets a reply. See me tomorrow. I’ll text an address. Let’s have lunch.

It’s - easy, Suho finds. Talking with his sister. He appreciates that she rarely wastes time, and she almost always takes him seriously. She's not - like him. Suho waits so much, and Selena is impatient. Talking with her would... It would be scary, but it would be what he need. Maybe with her attitude, it could help straighten him out too.

Help him focus.

Suho goes to the bookstore again - the one that’s far away, with high ceiling and good lighting, in the city. He takes the car again. He can’t stay in the house; can’t stand having his eyes peering to the lamp with the sticker on, and there’s this absolute silence because his TV doesn’t work anymore. He’d been meaning to have it fix, but he keeps forgetting.

And now the house is too quiet, and his lunch with Selena tomorrow haunts him.

He goes to the bookstore and this is okay, he tells himself, because he’s been meaning to anyways. He’d wanted to smoothen out his Japanese and English, aside from just mindlessly doing calculations and solving equations. Maybe he can take the international exams. That seems like it could fill his time and help in the long-run.

He bumps into Lim Juyeong.