#and it was before I knew for sure I didn't want to teach under 3rd grade long term

[slowing-down-in-style]

"I don't understand why you're anxious about a game."

Chris and I started doing crossword puzzles together today. He's done them as long as I've known him and I've recently started doing them as a way to pass the time because of his enthusiasm for them. And yes of course, I'm starting to really enjoy them too but I'm not great at things like this. At least, I keep telling myself I'm not. I need to stop that, I know. I think it's something you can get better at with practice. I just never had anyone who did them who could show me how fun they are. I always saw them as puzzles for intellectuals, which I have never considered myself being. So I feel like a beginner. Which isn't bad but... I've got some anxiety with this that I need to tackle. So, lets break it down.

These crossword puzzles are timed and it gave me flash backs to 3rd grade math where we would be learning our times tables. The teacher would have a stop watch and we had to answer as many problems as we could within a certain amount of time. We were graded on how many we could complete that were also right.

God I wish I could explain how much anxiety that shit gave me. What an awful way to teach kids to do math. Just memorize it! And quickly! Don't understand it, just memorize it!

A little more background for you here. I suck at math. I always have. I moved schools a lot and that really didn't help things because all the schools were at different levels on what they were teaching and when. Teachers weren't great at making sure that the new kids to the district, let alone to the school year, were all caught up with the rest of the class and my mom never bothered to fuck with a tutor. Math was the hardest one to catch back up on every time I moved.

Want to know what made it even worse? There was a kid in my 3rd grade class who, instead of tutoring the students around him who also sucked at math, would just say the answers under his breath just loud enough for us to hear him. "1. twelve. 2. four. 3. forty. 4. twenty" and so on. Resisting the temptation to just ignore him was impossible. I'd find myself writing down a few of his given answers, they were always right of course- he was a wiz at math, and for the other ones I didn't know or didn't try on (because after all we are under a timer here! chop chop!) I would just guess. There were always a few here and there that I knew... basically anything under 5x5 and I was good. And I could do the finger trick when multiplying by nine but like... that only works up to 9x9 and that's not efficient when you're on a timer!

So, I'd flounder. Cheat just enough to make it look like I sorta knew what was going on but then the rest of the time I'd sit in class not understanding on top not feeling like I had a safe avenue to speak up. No one else in the class was having a problem. No one else didn't understand and asked the teacher to explain. I didn't want to slow the rest of the class down. I didn't want to be the kid everyone rolled their eyes at and would get frustrated at. "We have to keep doing this because Kaitlin doesn't understand."

I got bullied enough for my name and my glasses. I didn't need bullied for being dumb on top of it. So, I kept my head down. The teacher I had didn't help either. Mrs. Eiper. This teacher had it out for me, it's a story for another day but I had had her as a teacher at another school before. She had made me cry on more than one occasion and my mom even pulled me from the school district because of this teacher after several months of fighting with the board and Principal about her. I somehow ended up having her AGAIN as a teacher in a different district, this time around as a Math teacher. (Because of course it would be math) She would make fun of us if we didn't catch on. She would make examples out of us. We would get put in "the box" if we failed or didn't understand or pay attention. Yes, an actual box she would shut us away in, in the corner of the classroom. This bitch was a few steps shy of being my own personal Trunchbull from Matilda.

Anyways, lets get back on track. Anxiety about crossword puzzles with Chris. Let me add here- I LOVE the idea of doing crossword puzzles with him and this is something I want to tackle and get the fuck over. But it's a combination of the clock, the fact that I know he's way better at these and he's watching me for how I solve them that is giving me the anxiety. He's watching, but in a good way, not a judgmental one like my teacher would have. I have to remind myself of that. He'd never treat me the way she did. Not ever.

i dont want to mess you up...

"there aren't any wrong answers. this isn't life or death"

i didn't want to mess you up and slow you down and i know you're really good at these

"i don't really care about the time. you have nothing to be anxious about. I like watching your brain work"

"I like watching you try not to think so linearly."

While I know this comes from a place of love, him wanting to understand my brain and encourage me to grow in an area I want to grow in... I've got some work to do on working through the feels associated with it.

[myfavoriteinvestment]

rowaelin month day 1 - can’t help falling in love

prompt: "I just realized I'm desperately in love with you"

-

Meeting Aelin for the first time, Rowan begrudged that she was beautiful. Arrogant as he could be and incessantly swaggering, but she was beautiful. There was something sweet, and yet so sharp, about her features. His eyes traced them greedily the first, the second, the third time he met her, and even today, as she set her bag next to his in the library and took a seat across from him he couldn't help it. He absorbed every bit of her; golden hair and aquamarine eyes ringed with gold. The small nose, sharp but softened by the sun kissed freckles scattered along it. The cheekbones that framed her face and lips painted a threatening shade of red.

"So, Rowan, what'll it be today?" Aelin asked, pulling out her notebook and flipping her hair over one shoulder. He didn't know it yet, but it was a nervous tic.

"The same as yesterday, Aelin. Calculus." He gave her a long suffering look and pinched the bridge of his nose. She was beautiful, but it didn't make tutoring her any easier.

"No originality." She sighed. "How disappointing."

"Let's just start."

So they began, and Rowan questioned not for the first time why she had bothered asking their teacher for a peer tutor. She was clearly skilled. She knew what she was doing. He worked up the courage and asked for the first time.

"I'm pretty busy," She explained. "I just want to make sure that I'm understanding everything and that I know what I'm doing, you know? Sometimes I'm so tired in class and I just want to make sure I'm getting everything. Sorry if that makes this seem like a waste of time." Rowan shook his head. He admired her dedication to her education. He certainly cared for his own, but not this much.

"No, I don't mind at all. I have hockey, but that doesn't really start for a while."

"Right, right, you're on the hockey team! You just don't seem like it when we're sitting in the library and you're teaching me math, you know?"

"And you don't seem like the type to be aspiring for Julliard, but here we are."

"Shhh!" Aelin exaggerated. "That's a secret!" Rowan looked at her pointedly.

As he opened his mouth to say something, another boy walked up to the table they were sitting at. Rowan recognized him. He was a year younger, in Aelin's grade.

"Chaol! What're you doing here? I'd expect Dorian at the library, but you're usually at the gym." Chaol. That was his name. And Aelin seemed to know him, seemed to be very familiar with him in fact. And who was Dorian. Rowan found that these questions rose no matter how hard he tried to tamp them down.

Chaol's cheeks were coated in a slight blush. "Could I talk to you, just the two of us?"

Did he plan on asking Aelin out? Rowan couldn't deny that no matter how much he ignored it, a part of him hoped that wouldn't happen.

"What do you say tutor? Can the two of us finish for the day?"

The other part knew that was stupid, because that was it really. He was her tutor, and maybe they were friends. Acquaintances probably. It wasn't something he wanted to think too much about. So he mumbled a yes and hoped Aelin heard him, beginning to pack his things.

And he froze, because Aelin kissed him on the cheek. Then ran off with Chaol, behind the bookshelves.

Fuck this, he thought. Fuck the searing heat in the spot her lips had pressed against his skin, fuck the fluttering in his stomach, fuck his uneven heartbeat. Fuck the lipstick smudge on his cheek. Still, he bit his lip hard enough to hurt to hold back he didn't know what. A smile? Maybe.

He stood from their table and then Aelin and Chaol popped back out of the bookshelves. "Guess who has a date?" She sing songed. The lightness in his chest turned sticky and heavy like tar and it became hard to breathe. "Me, stupid. God, don't look at me like that, it's not that confusing!"

"That's- it's nice."

"It's very nice, Rowan, thank you very much. See you tomorrow? I'll tell you all about it after you teach me fancy math, I promise." Aelin smiled and whirled around, walking out of the library with Chaol.

After that, Rowan had no choice but to come to terms with his feelings for Aelin. He didn't just think she was beautiful, she was funny and her wit and swagger was captivating. Conversations with her were entertaining and he noticed the small things she did, like the way she narrowed her eyes when she concentrated or sighed under her breath when she didn't understand.

Tutoring sessions were his time with her, but they became almost unbearable. Chaol stopped by every day within the first hour of their two hour session, dropping off a coffee that he could tell was too bitter and kissing Aelin before going about his own business.

In March, when colleges were sending acceptance letters out, Rowan would be lying if he said Aelin wasn't the first person texted when Yale sent him the letter saying he got it. The next day, Rowan found Aelin at their table, books and papers out, two cups of steaming liquid. She looked up as he set his things down and smiled wide at him.

"How does it feel to know you're going to an Ivy?" She asked, and passed him a cup. He pried off the lid and smiled when the sweet smell of jasmine tea wafted up to him. He preferred it to coffee. Aelin, though was drinking coffee, and he suspected it had far too much sugar for it to be healthy.

"It feels great. And nerve wracking, honestly." He replied. She nodded.

"Yeah, I can see how. I'd be freaked out too if I got into such a prestigious college."

"And maybe you will." He raised his brows. "Julliard?"

She sighed exaggeratedly. "I don't think I'm good enough for Julliard, truthfully."

"Well, apply next year. If only so you can come visit me at Yale." Aelin's face brightened with a mischievous smile.

"If you say so."

They settled into comfortable silence for a bit, and then Rowan started their review for the day. When it had been an hour and a half and Chaol hadn't stopped by yet, he had to ask. "Where's the boyfriend?"

"No longer my boyfriend. Looks like I have to buy my own coffee from now own." She sighed in that dramatic way of hers again. Rowan couldn't help the overwhelming relief that slammed through him. Now he could-

He could what? He could ask her out? Tell her that he knew Chaol had never bothered to properly learn her coffee order because he noticed the way she winced when she sipped the too bitter liquid? Tell her that he knew she was brilliant on the piano, though he'd only heard her play once? That she was beautiful and smart and funny and so, so brilliant, and they'd only have a year together before he left?

He couldn't do it. Or maybe you're afraid, that awful voice everyone had in their head mocked him. Rowan didn't want to admit to that either.

So all he said was, "Oh, I'm sorry." Aelin flashed a smile at him, and it twisted a knife through his gut because it wasn't her swaggering grin. It was gone sooner than it had come. They continued with their session until two hours came to an end and Aelin stood abruptly, leaving the library faster than she did before.

On May 3rd, Aelin turned 17, and Rowan remembered it. He carried her present with him all through the day. It was tucked into a small black box, her name written in gold marker in his quick scrawl. When he sat at their table at the library, he felt like the wait for her had been broken down into each separate millisecond. It was torture on his stomach, his heartbeat pulsing and fluttering in and out of it.

After what felt like decades, Aelin sat down across from him. "Hey Rowan," She smiled at him. In all the time they'd spent together, he had learned all her different smiles. There were the ones that curled at the left side of her mouth and made her shoulders pull back arrogantly. She was sure to start teasing him when her smile pulled slowly, eyes glinting mischievously. When she smiled like that, he couldn't help but grin himself.

But this smile, the one that was pure happiness, simple joy, it was his favorite. She looked at him from across the table and her eyes gleamed with it, sparkling, the shades of turquoise and gold even more vibrant. Aelin furrowed her brows and he realized he'd been staring.

"Happy birthday!" Rowan blurted out.

Aelin's brows rose and she laughed into that beautiful smile of hers and he was knocked breathless again. "Thank you, Rowan."

He reached over into his bag and pulled out the flat black box. "I got you- I don't know if- I figured-"

"Thank you, Rowan," She said again, smiling wider and coming to his side of the table and kneeling next to him so she was just a bit shorter. "Now let me see what's in her."

She traced her fingers over the box, her smile growing softer. "I love your handwriting, you know. I know you think it's messy, and it is, but it's the pretty kind of messy, you know?" She looked over at him and blushed a little. "I love your handwriting." She traced the five letters of her name written in his scrawl again.

And then Aelin opened the box, and she gasped a little. It was simple, he knew that, but most of Aelin's necklaces were, to his notice. It was something she'd be able to wear with most outfits. She pulled the gold chain out of the crushed velveteen it was laid on and looked closer at the turquoise gemstone pendant.

"I- The color, it reminded me of your eyes, so you know..." He trailed off.

She turned to look at him. "I love it, Rowan," and Aelin threw her arms around his neck, red lipstick blurring in the quickness. It was his raging pulse, it was a fiery inferno, it was his urge to kiss her. She was so near, so close to him, lavender and lemon verbena intoxicating him.

And why not? There was nothing to lose.

He pulled back from where his head was pressed to her neck, arms holding her tightly. Rowan wasn't sure whether he moved first or she did. But their mouths were upon each other, softer than he'd thought he would kiss her. But it was soft, it was sweet, it was everything he had wanted to do after sitting across from her all year long.

When Aelin pulled back from his mouth, she huffed a little laugh and rubbed his lips lightly with her thumb. “You’ve got lipstick on your lips now.” She smiled, pressing her forehead into his neck.

Holding her against his body, red lipstick smudged against his lips, standing in the school library, Rowan had never felt so calm. So warm. So happy. And he realized, with a desperate suddenness, he loved the girl in his arms.

“I love you.” He whispered against her hair. And it was peaceful.

[multiocblog]

Greetings~! Welcome to my blog!

Just a little introduction, and some rules along with it~! ^^

Hello~! My name is Brianna but you may call me Bree~ I like to write stories, and create my own characters and such- It's what makes me happy~! And I love when I get to act like my OCs and interact with people! So, I created this blog~! (Sorry this post is quite long so be ready to read-)

To start out this blog, I have 7 OCs I will be making introductions for, so you can find out some about them, and interact with asks!

I have 2 OCs from Black Butler, 3 OCs from Diabolik Lovers, and 2 OCs from My Hero Academia! (I have many many more OCs soon to be added to this blog once I get consistent and completely settled in!)

Theres a brief intro to each at the bottom of the page!

((I write better than what I did there I swear-))

In the meantime, here are the

Rules:

No NSFW asks PLEASE! They make me very uncomfortable, and any asks I think might be dirty in any way, I will not answer.

Please make sure you put the OCs name in parenthesis or brackets so I am aware of which OC you are talking too! Ex." [To Arabella] I love your outfit! "

Please be kind! I will not accept hate comments or anything of the sort towards a subject, opinion, or an OC!

PLEASE "tag" or label accordingly to anything, slightly, definitely, or mildly triggering, even if you're not sure! I just want to make sure that everyone can scroll through my blog without having to be weary! Ex. [TW death]

Please do not flood the askbox or get mad that I don't answer right away! I can't always be online for I have a life to live outside of social media. This is purely for fun! ^^

Please no asks about r*ape, inc*st, pe*dophilia, or anything of the sort! Talk of those subjects will not be tolerated on this blog!

I am the admin to this account, therefore, I am allowed to reject or ignore ANY ask if need be.

((Rules will be updated, should the need arise.))

Bye for now~!

((OC info under read more!!))

Kyoko Komori (DL) ((OC based off the anime. Though I've heard plenty about the games, I have not yet played them, so if I get some things wrong I apologize in advance.))With Kyoko everything is the same. Yui has Cordelias heart and such and was supposed to be sent to the brothers. However, in this universe, Yui has an older sister, one year apart, whom has also been adopted, except she knows it. When she overhears something about her younger sister, her only sister, being sent away to vampires, she decides to take her place. To protect her.

Alyssa Freeman (MHA) ((I have not watched the entirety of MHA yet, and really I don't plan too anytime soon. So if I get anything wrong please correct me, and spoilers to the anime for me are welcomed. Let's just act like I've seen it all-)) Alyssa hates villains. And heros for that matter. All of them. When her apartment was destroyed from a casualty in a battle, Alyassa labeled heros as reckless and careless of the people around them. Herself and her little brother where heading back to the apartment, when she saw it crumbling down. Her parents and grandparents still inside, along with her best friend who was going to surprise Alyssa with a visit. Now she lives on the streets, doing whatever she can to provide for herself and her little brother.

Ongaku Yamada Aizawa (MHA) ((Again, haven't seen it, let's just pretend I have. Also this OC is in result of a ship. I don't really ship it, but I thought both their powers together would be cool so I thought, why not?)) When Ongaku was young, she was always bullied in 1st and 2nd grade for having two dads. One time, she got in trouble for heavily injuring a student with her voice quirk. You can insult her all you want, but not her dads. So, in 3rd grade, she kept a lie she created, that she only has one dad, Erasure Head Shota Aizawa, and that her mother died when she was born. Turns out the lie worked pretty well, people loved her and she was seen as an icon for having a prohero as a father. Shes was usually a quiet person, kept to herself, no friends, only spoke when spoken too. It was just her, her drawings and her music in her headphones. To this day, she keeps the lie, and keeps her distance, even at her new school, in U.A. (She also develops a major crush on Tenya Iida while there.👀)

Lilly and Lila Sakamaki (DL) ((Just thought I'd make one description for both bc they're twin sisters. This is also result of a ship. Ayato x Yui.)) Lilly and Lila are polar opposites despite their similar looks. Lila loves the cutesy, pink, flower stuff, and Lilly is all "tough" and "all that" (When shes really insecure-) Lilly is extremely protective over her sister, and possive too. She doesn't let any man even glance in her general direction. Basically if a man wants to ask Lila out, hes gonna have to go through some interrogation. Lila loves her sister deeply, and is basically like her sisters personal therapist. Lilly will only vent and show emotion around Lila. Lila tries to get her sister Lilly into pink, but with no prevail. Typically, you'll find Lilly hanging out with "Uncle Reiji", for she has a secret interest in his experiments and such. She'll also cuddle with Uncle Shu whenever she has time. And Lila loves hanging out with Uncle Kanato and Uncle Laito. She'll have tea partys with Kanato all the time. Lilly always tries to get Lila away from Laito. She says he's "demented" and "weird". But, Lila doesn't listen and hangs out with him anyway. Laito and Kanatos typical nickname for Lila is, Lilac or Little Flower. Both twins are vampires. Yui always teaches them about God and how to be selfless and kind, while Ayato plays sports with Lilly and cute video games (like Animal Crossing) with Lila.

Arabella Phantomhive (BB) ((This OC is placed in the future, and based off a ship, Ciel X Lizzy. Please be aware that, even though my OC speaks multiple languages, I do NOT. So, as bad as it sounds, I'll probably use Google Translate if I must use another language-😅 ) When Ciel and Lizzy are older and married, they have a little girl. Half human. Half demon. Arabella was taught how to be a lady, ballet, and sword fighting by her mother. And she was taught chess, ballroom dancing and more sword fighting by her father. Instead of going to a school, little Ara was homeschooled, by Sebastian, the Phantomhive Butler. He taught her multiple languages, such as Russian, Chinese, Japanese, Spanish, and her personal favorite, French. Time skip to the age of 10, she saw her mother murdered before her, and her father taken by some strange light beings. Having been raised by Sebastian since then, now she's 17, running the Funtom company, and determined to avenge her mother and find her father. :)

Robert Trancy (BB) ((This OC correlates with the Arabella OC, and is in the same storyline.)) Robert J. Trancy was his sweet Arabellas betrothed since birth. Even though it is set to be an arranged marriage, Robert always had a crush on his Arabella, and was awaiting the day to marry his beloved. Robert is a sensitive and kind boy, but sarcastic and joking all the same having been raised by Alois Trancy. He has no idea of whom his mother is, and was always told she died when he was born. At the age of 6, it was at a party when he saw his father dead on the floor of the long corridor. He didn't exactly see his fathers death, but he heard it, and knew exactly who did it. Ciel Phantomhive. He was determined to make his revenge. Having made a contract with Claude, his fathers old butler, he now lives alone in the manor, sending all the old servants away, except Claude. He makes frequent visits to his sweet Blue Rose however. He's a very insecure boy, full of anger, bitterness, jealousy, and sadness, but hides it well behind humor and love for his bride-to-be.

That was very long- and for that I apologize-

[truthseekerastrology]

Make Peace With Your Natal Saturn.  Thank Me Later.

Hey Truthseekers, Happy New Moon in Virgo!! How are you holding up?

Yesterday, I created the above meme and posted it to the Truthseeker Astrology Facebook page (if you aren’t following, what are you waiting for?).  A commenter asked me to provide some details and I did, in the form of a thread. I wanted to go ahead and compile all of that content in the form of a post on the website.   Because one can never have enough insights into the ways of the sixth planet from the Sun. 

Here we go...

Sure!! Let me use my chart as an example. I have Saturn in Gemini in my 11th house of love received, friends/groups/associations and the rewards/resources gained from my 10th house activities. Saturn is the ruler of my 7th house of partnerships. Using an orb of no more than 4 degrees, Saturn makes Ptolemaic aspects (think conjunction, square, sextile, trine, opposition) to every planet in my horoscope except for Venus, Jupiter and Pluto. Finally, besides Chiron in my 10th house, it's the only other celestial body above the horizon (ascendant-descendant axis). So it's very influential, powerful and keenly felt by yours truly. And, because it is ruled by my 3rd house Mercury in Virgo, I think about it - a lot!!

So, when we're younger, we see Saturn as oppressive, difficult, inflexible and hard to contend with, mainly because we lack worldly wisdom and understanding gained from life experience. Sometimes in our young life, someone will literally represent Saturn. For me, Saturn in Gemini was my father - older, smart, and in my young mind, harsh and very critical.

Wherever Saturn is in our charts, we have do so some very hard work, often times without immediate gratification. With Saturn, our rewards for doing the work that we're here to do in this life, come much later in life. Since Saturn rules my 7th house of relationships from the 11th house, AND touches so many planets in my chart, I had to learn how to receive tough love - that often times came in the form of constructive criticism and unsolicited advice from older people - in order to have fulfilling relationships. AND I had to literally remake my world view, relearn how I felt, how I thought, and how I acted in response to other people, if I wanted to be rewarded with a partner who would not only be there out of a sense of duty but would truly love me for what I had to offer. When I was younger, and being a Saturn in the 11th house native, I often felt like I didn't belong in the groups I found myself in. Now that I'm older, I've learned how to find my tribe AND/OR be perfectly fine with being by myself, even when I'm around a lot of people.

With Saturn so prominent in my chart, I should have waited to marry much later in life...ideally, I should not have married until well after my first Saturn return. I didn't, though, and that marriage eventually led to divorce. But remember, Saturn rewards those who do the work: I had to acknowledge that I had a big role to play in why my marriage failed and I had to roll up my sleeves and do some internal and external work to get better if I wanted to attract someone who would be willing to make a long term commitment to me. I began my astrology studies to better understand why I was making poor decisions, and since then, got therapy, and committed myself to improving my physical health. Also remember that my Saturn is in the sign of the Twins, so there was a high likelihood that I would find a second someone eventually.

When Saturn entered Sagittarius in 2014, I was dreading this transit, mainly because I knew that this would be the time when it would become painfully and outwardly apparent to not just me, but to others, that I had passed or failed all of the tests that were put in front of me since my Saturn return 14 years earlier. Could I find a man to commit to me after being divorced? Could I change careers, put in the necessary hard work and earn a sense of inner fulfillment and outward recognition? Could I transform my body from what it was into a stronger, healthier and more attractive state (while being age appropriate... of course, we're talking about Saturn here)? Here's what happened: He opposed my natal Saturn the requisite three times, but made only ONE PASS over my natal Jupiter in Sagittarius before he entered Capricorn!! Nothing came up during either transit that forced me to make some major adjustments in the matters where Saturn held sway over my life. I was in a pretty good relationship; I was being recognized for my photography work during that time, and I had decided to step up my efforts at improving my overall physical health and wellness. But despite that, I still had misgivings.

Even though my Saturn opposition didn't really correspond to anything in my lived reality that compelled me to rework that which wasn't working, I knew that with Saturn returning to Capricorn, the sign that he rules, that my work was far from over. By transit, Saturn would be chipping away at my 6th house of cooperation and self-improvement and health and wellness and that I would need to work extra hard in these areas. Could I do better in these areas? Of course!! Was I willing to commit the energy, focus and self-discipline to being better in these areas? For the most part, yes.

Remember that natally, Saturn sits in my 11th house of groups and associations. And remember that before, when I was younger, I felt out of place and sometimes unloved and unappreciated. I thought I had friends, but learned later that they really weren't looking out for my best interests. But here's how Saturn can turn things around if you're willing to do the work... I was young and dumb then, but because I stopped fighting Saturn (staring with my father and moving forward from there), I made it to a place where I'm not only older and wiser, I'm healthier, more grounded, centered and PREPARED. On the plane to Atlanta yesterday, I texted my partner to tell him that I finally understood what I was supposed to learn from having Saturn in Gemini in the 11th house, ruling my 7th house. And it was a simple act on his part that made it abundantly clear for me...something I'm 10000% sure would have never happened 14 years ago, or even 28 years ago!! I wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared!

We can only make peace with our natal Saturn if we have done all that we could do, if we have made a commitment to ourselves to do the work, to prepare ourselves, to delay gratification, to learn the lessons he teaches us with humility, grace and gratitude. Yes, it's conditional, and yes, when we're in the throes of the struggle, it seems unfair. Saturn wants to reward us, but he's not like Jupiter, who comes along with when we least expect it with unexpected bounties of cash and prizes, who over indulges us when we least deserve it. No, Saturn can seem cold and unforgiving, harsh and critical, only because he knows we can do better. Saturn is willing to reward us under certain conditions: We must commit to working hard (sometimes harder than we've ever worked), having a plan, respecting our own boundaries and those of others, and being willing to forgo immediate gratification...When we make peace with Saturn and accept his terms, accept the lines he draws in the sand, we can go very far, accomplish as much as we're willing and able to work for, and earn great rewards that are commiserate with our efforts, knowing that we earned them fair and square.

[theapostlesnigeria]

YOU CAN, WAIT FOR HIM

"And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." - Hebrews 6:15.

As Months turned into Years and Years into Decades, and Good and Bad Thoughts relentlessly clashing within him, Abraham resolutely but patiently waited on God for His Promises, never wavering in faith in Him. "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed...he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." - Romans 4:18-21.

Despite all he heard and saw, despite all the scorns, disgrace and insults of those that seem to know more than God hurled at him, he still resolutely but patiently waited on God for the fulfillment of His Promises. A Promise only him could have still believed while others mocked and jeered. Abraham was greatly comforted and stabilized by his knowledge that:

* God is Faithful. So He cannot but do what He had promised - Hebrews 11:11.

* God was Omnipotent. So He had the Power to do what He has promised - Romans 4:21.

* God doesn't lie. Thus His Promises are trustworthy, surely coming to pass at their appointed time - Numbers 23:19.

* God doesn't change. So He can be relied upon - Numbers 23:19.

Friend, don't allow the wisdom and knowledge of those that seem to know more than God cause you to become discouraged from waiting God over His Promises. Like Abraham, you must resolutely but patiently wait on God, knowing that no matter the delay, the Lord longs for you: "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" - Isaiah 30:18.

Friend, if you are under God's Promise, wait for Him, no matter the scorning, disgrace, idle talk and mockery of others. At the appropriate time He will silence them all. In Sept 30th, 1996, I resigned from Rank Xerox Nigeria to go into full-time Mission work in Northern Nigeria. After my training at Agape School of Missions, Gana Ropp, Plateau State, I moved into the Julvu Hill village of Madivi in Mubi - Adamawa State as a Missionary with Christ Disciples Ministry in 1997. In January 1998, I received a letter from my Dad. He severely scolded me for abandoning my wife in Lagos for my so-called Work for God. He asked me who will impregnate my wife for me since we were looking for children, now that I have abandoned her in Lagos. Many others who knew more than God also came up with their own advises, rebukes and idle talks. You see, at this point in time, we have been married for 7 years without a child. We had underwent extensive medical examinations in the hands of renowned Gynaecologists in University Teaching Hospitals in University of Lagos and University of Ibadan; Blue Cross Hospital and St Emmanuel Hospital, all in Lagos. We even visited a renowned Gynaecologist in Kaduna in 1994. All the results of these examinations declared: I had low sperm count while my wife's two Fallopian Tubes were completely blocked.

Through all these years of child waiting, God had given me peace over the issue. But as I agonized over my Dad's stinker of a letter in the Mission Field, (he was a man I greatly admired and loved for he lived and bled for us his children), the Lord powered down to me on the 9th of February 1998 through 1 Chronicles 25:5 and Galatians 4:23. He ministered to me that as the natural ways for childbearing has closed for me, all my children will be by Promise, Children of Promise. I bowed in Praise and Worship. So when those that knew-more-than-God were scorning and mocking, I ignored them with absolute peace in my heart. They didn't hear what I heard. Thus, they didn't know what I knew. So why should I listen to their idle talks and insinuations - NEVER. My friend, why do you allow those that didn't hear what you heard, and didn't know what you know, to discourage and ruin your life and faith? That's not fair to God!

Well the next month, I fell sick and nearly died. We were in the jungle and no drugs, no nothing. One day in the heat of the sickness, I thought the end has come. I then took my wife's Portrait with me (the one in this write-up) to gaze at. I felt extremely empty and pained that I was leaving her behind, all alone. I STARTED CRYING. This stirred my Co-Missionary with me, Pastor Dayo Ayeni, now with Bro Gbile Akanni of Peace House, Gboko Nigeria, to launch into an uncompromising violent intercession for me based on Nahum 1:9. With tears streaming down his eyes, he cried to God that affliction shall not rise up the second time. Before he finished his weeping and prayers, I was INSTANTLY HEALED. Friend, if you have tasted the Heavenly gift, the Powers of the coming age, you will patiently wait for Him. God is Faithful.

Some Months later, I was on my way to Mubi town via Gubi village. As we were entering Gubi village where I was to spend the night before proceeding to Mubi in the morning, I was bitten by a snake. Within an hour, I have started swelling all over my body. My Co-Missionaries with me there (Pastor Dayo Ayeni, Bro (now Rev) Ishaya Adamu and Bro Cornelius Adigun) prayed and laid their hands on me. They gave me Palm Oil to drink. When I got to Mubi the next day, my Boss, Uncle James ogunshola, screamed at my swollen body. I told him what happened. He promptly prayed for me. I later took two tablets of Paracetamol for the pains. And God took care of the rest healing. Three days later, I traveled down to Lagos to ask my wife to relocate to Kaduna. By Sept 1998, my wife abandoned her PHD program at Obafemi Awolowo University Ile-ife to relocate to Kaduna.

Friend, to cut a long story short, with low sperm count and blocked Fallopian Tubes, my wife gave birth to our son, Shama, in December 1999. My friend, whom you are dealing with is faithful and trustworthy. If He has promised you, then close your eyes and ears, and wait for Him. He doesn't fail. Only give Him time - Isaiah 42:18-20. Has He Promised you? Then resolutely but patiently wait for Him. In His own timing, He will surely do what He promised you, for He is faithful and trustworthy and cannot afford to be otherwise.

In 2003, under the influence of my senior sister, a Nurse, my wife asked me that we should visit a reigning Gynaecologist in Kaduna for the possibility for a second child. I told her that am not going as I know what God told me and what the Gynaecologist will say: "Low sperm count and blocked Fallopian Tubes". Well, they went and came back grieving. Not only that the Fallopian Tubes were still tightly closed, the Gynaecologist even ridiculed her first birth, saying from what he saw, it was simply impossible. He even boasted that if my wife refuses the vitro fertilization treatment he was offering her then, that she would be running back to him in 6 months time in tears when it would have been clear to her that her so-called God has failed her. Well, by early 2004, less than the Doctor's 6 months prediction, God showed His Power again as her pregnancy showed. And by 3rd Sept, 2004, she delivered our baby girl, Nma. Friend, He is God, He is faithful, He's Almighty. He deserves your love, your faith, your obedience. He is worthy of your patient waiting for Him. He is God.

Friend, God is too faithful, too powerful and too trustworthy to fail. JUST GIVE HIM TIME, He will surely prove true to you in His Promises to you. Don't allow Gainsayers and those that know more than God talk you out of your place in God with their idle talks and insinuations. There is a lot of distortions and diverse interpretations, extrapolations and intrapolations of God's Word that you will become a merchandise at the hands of others if you refuse to search and study His Word by yourself. The Days are evil. Most of all these Teachers of the Bible should first teach themselves as their very lives runs contrary to the eternal word of God in the Bible. That's why Jesus told us: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them..." - Matthew 7:15-16. Jesus wants you to watch the lives of Ministers of God and so recognize Who is Who amongst them. Who they are is not in what they preach, but in how they live. If you fail to doing it, you will end up being their meat. Friend, resolutely but patiently wait for God. He is worthy of your faith and waiting.

GOD BLESS YOU - BRO KINGDOM EGEJURU

[eds-zebra-warrior]

2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 5 Prompt: School and Teachers

I didn't get a diagnosis until I finished college however I did have several teachers who realized something was going on. The first one to take notice was my first grade teacher Mrs. M. She notified my mom that she believed I had learning disabilities and believed something was going on. The school continued to refuse to do any kind of testing but she stepped up and fought them. My mom even had a picture of a birthday cake I made for my dad in which I wrote “Happy Birthday Dad” on the cake totally backwards as if it were a reflection in a mirror. Mrs. M not only gave me the individualized attention I needed but also wouldn't take no for an answer from the school which made them do basic learning disability testing and put me into a specialized reading and writing class.

It wasn't until later elementary school, when I was in the 3rd-5th grade that I believe my Gym Teacher Mr. W started noticing something was going on. He never said anything so I can’t be sure he realized there was a problem however he did provide some extra help for me in gym, like when we did pull ups he was always happy to help lift part of my weight and never said anything about my inability to run, throw balls, do sit ups and pushups properly, only grading me on effort and would sometimes ask me if I needed help with certain things or would give me tips without it being too obvious to other students. He was genuinely just a happy guy though. He would whistle the lamb chops song while we ran and was pretty relaxed which is why I’m not sure he noticed but since he did conspicuously offer help to me makes me believe it at least crossed his mind that something was going on. A lot of EDS patients really struggled with gym teachers and learned to hate that class but I always had really good gym teachers who took notice to the fact that my inability do succeed in sports wasn't my fault. They always knew that I wasn't lazy and there was something more going on in my body that caused me to be clumsy, weak and different than the other kids.

In middle school, I didn't have a gym as I went to a homeschool coop which was more like a private school. When entering this school I had yet to start treatment for my Juvenile Dwarfism but in contrast to my first school where I was bullied for being tiny and clumsy, at this school I quickly became the most popular kid in the school. This made me blend in so my teachers didn't really notice much atypically that was going on. The students however were the ones that did notice but being small, I was no longer a freak but at this school I was “Pocket Sized” and my social awkwardness and clumsiness was embraced as uniquely different and original. The girls would fight over whose house I would spend the night at on the weekend and as gym was replaced by Friday field trips, the guys would fight over who got to give me a piggyback ride during the field trips. The falling is a lot less noticeable when people are either piggy backing you around all the time or you had people around you all the time so if you tripped usually someone was grabbing your arm to catch you before it was that noticeable. This is the school where I really came out of my shell and went from the shy kid to the social butterfly. So much so that the teacher would start occasionally referring to me as a butterfly before telling me to stop talking. I eventually passed up the educational capabilities of the teacher and was put into a place of teaching younger students myself which forced me to leave and return to public school, this time at a different public school in the country.

In high school I was kind of right in that sweet spot when it came to popularity. Right in the middle where I didn't have problems with anyone and was able to befriend some of the jocks and cheerleaders as well as the kids in quiz bowl and band. I had a lot of friends but not so many that it became overwhelming or stressful because here at least there weren't fights over whose house I went to, whose vehicle I rode in on the way to a field trip, which kid was going to get me as their big sister in the big sister big brother program, who got to sit by me etc. so it was more manageable and I again started falling more under the radar of the teachers.

My high school gym teacher Mrs. B again took notice of my unusual body mechanics in gym and after my first gym class which was sports based suggested I switch to another class that was actually a harder class but totally different as well, focusing on weight lifting, cardio and fitness rather than sports. She was able to teach me for the first time in my life, how to run. She also took note that where I lacked in upper body strength, I excelled in lower body strength and helped me to eventually be able to leg press 320 lbs. when I was only 92 lbs. by the time I graduated. My goal was to hit 300 lbs. which she suggested I lower that a bit but on the last day I leg pressed 300 lbs. and then told my partner to put a ten on each side, just to see if I could do it, and leg pressed 320 lbs. one time and said well, there's one. Now I can say I did it and we put the barbells up. When It came to bench pressing I barely could bench the 45 lbs. bar without any weights added at all and was the only one in the class who had to start with a mini 35 lb. bar. She taught me to do proper push ups and my body mechanics really improved with her help.

I had an English teacher in high school named Mrs. H. She reminded me of a grandmother when I was in high school and improved my reading skills more than any teacher I ever had when I was in the later years of elementary school, the reading and writing teacher pulled my mom in for a meeting, telling her that unfortunately, at this point, I just wasn’t progressing in those classes and I would be illiterate. Back then their teaching philosophy for reading was to look at the picture in a book and describe what was happening in the book which wasn't reading at all but it was also rather strict and if you did what she said and described the picture and it wasn't the same as the words she wasn't exactly mean but definitely made it clear in a very frustrated sounding voice that that was wrong. When I took the proficiency test she had essentially given up on me at that point and would read the multiple choice questions to me in the reading section and then ask me if it was A, B, C or D and if I got the wrong answer she would tell me to guess again, essentially making it look like I was doing a great job since all of the answers were right which in turn made it look like she was doing a great job to later tell my mom I would be illiterate. When I left that school I finally started learning to read in the 7th grade, reading at a first grade level.

By my senior year of high school. I was reading at a 3rd grade level when I got Mrs. H who was the first to really be able to teach me how to read. A lot of people didn't like her class because it was so hard and the homework could get extensive but the challenge is exactly what I needed as well as her teaching style to make reading, for the first time in my life, interesting. She was always willing to work with us and help and upon grading our papers she was incredibly thorough when marking errors and explaining why they were incorrect which gave me much more understanding than simply saying “No, that's not right. Try again” I was finally able to understand and learn from my mistakes as well as feeling as if her detail was proof, explaining why I got the grade I did. She was willing to work with us one on one up at her desk and it was quite obvious that teaching English was a true passion of hers which really wore off on me. By the time I graduated and took my college entrance exam, I was shocked to learn that not only was my reading no longer at a 3rd grade level but I had tested into college level, honors English and eventually took the hardest English class the college offered, not because it was required but chose it as an elective, just for fun and acing it. She really helped me overcome my biggest barrier when it came to learning disabilities and what's more amazing is that she was able to do this in a single year.

In college, multiple professors took notice of my health issues. While in the nursing program I was often used as the example student. The one the professors would call to the front of the class for demos or in the classes with two professors they used me as a fill in to help with demonstrations because I had been in the hospital so much myself that I oftentimes already knew the content being taught and sometimes had teachers saying they wish they could test out people like me from some of the classes because I could have probably gone in the first day of class and passed the final without even taking the class because of my life experiences and medical history. I was the one everyone wanted to use to practice drawing blood on because I was such a hard stick so it was no secret that I had a lot of health issues though at the time no one knew the ultimate cause of them was Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

The interpreting field classes on the other hand had a lot of immature teachers who reminded me of teenagers and seemed to have nothing better to do in their lives than to try to publicly humiliate me to try to get me out of the program. I was top of the class and later found out when they tried to kick me out of the program for something I didn't do and I had to take them to court. My lawyer believes the reasoning behind it was that they were intimidated by me and actually wanted me out for job assurance. My health issues were very well known as I was in this program the second time I lost the ability to walk and had multiple hospital trips for seizures, heart issues and my thyroid.

There was one incident in particular I was hospitalized because I was on thyroid medication for hypothyroid but somehow I flipped from hypothyroid to hypothyroid leading to my T3 and T4 levels being four times the normal levels which can be really dangerous and left me with the worst migraine of my life. I emailed my teacher while in the hospital telling her what happened as this happened two days before the final and I was admitted and had no idea how long they would keep me. I told her I know she said there will be no makeup and if we missed the class we would have to retake it but asked her to please have understanding and and let me make up the final since I was hospitalized. She told me what she said still stands and there are no makeups and that anyone can say they're in the hospital, not believing I was truly there so I took a picture of myself in the hospital as well as my hospital band with the date on it and sent it to her. She replied saying that she said there were no makeups, come take the final or take the class again next quarter. I told her I would check in with them first thing in the morning to see when I may be released.

The next morning they said they would probably keep me for a few more days and I emailed her that morning and updated her, again asking to make up the final since I obviously have a good reason to not be there when she again refused to let me retake the class. I got the email an hour and a half before the final on which I was again told no makeups and if I don't show up she will see me again the following quarter. I was forced to tell the staff I had to leave and was checking myself out of the hospital because I had to take the final, explaining how much the class cost and how much work I had put into it. They did not agree with this and made me sign a waiver stating that I was leaving against medical advice and by the time I got out, it was about 45 minutes before the final. I got dressed at the hospital, and haven't showered since before I went into the hospital so I put my hair up and my mom drove me to the college where I barely made it into the room in time for the exam. The medical term for what I was dealing with was called Thyrotoxicosis, Thyrotoxic Syndrome or a Thyroid storm and at my levels were life threatening the heart rate, blood pressure and temperature can shoot up and you’re at high risk for heart attacks, strokes, brain aneurysms, coma, seizures and there was a 75% chance of death if left untreated at the levels my TSH, T3 and T4 were at The nurse told me that if I was going to do this to keep a heating pack around my neck the entire time to prevent my temperature from spiking which could cause seizures and organ failure. I had to keep the hospital bracelet on so it would be easier for them to re-admit me when I finished the final and she made me promise to come right back when I was done and because the migraine was so bad, I couldn't tolerate the light and kept throwing up at the hospital from the light so wore sunglasses and she gave me a dose of Zofran right before pulling my IV to try to get me through.

As soon as I got into the glass Professor P, humiliated me in front of the entire class bringing the class into it about how ridiculous I looked in pajama pants, with a shirt that didn't match at all, sunglasses, an icepack and my hospital bracelet on telling me how I was making an ass out of myself and if I was really that sick I should have just told her and made up the test later. I told her that I emailed her multiple times, explaining the situation and she said I couldn't make it up when she then denied she ever told me that and said “You know I would have let you make it up” and continued to use that against me since the day I graduated saying all the time that I would be a bad interpreter because I was just plain weird, calling me weird in front of everyone multiple times and going back to the never in my life have I seen a student come into a final looking so ridiculous with an ice pack around their neck and sunglasses and at one time calling me a freak. She said nothing about my dedication by making it work nor did she acknowledge the financial burden associated with having to pay to take a class over and graduate late because of it when most college students don't have a lot of money. I would have never left the hospital if she wouldn't have told me multiple times that she would not allow me to make up the final. She again made fun of me when I had to go back into a wheelchair and back into therapy to learn to walk again telling everyone how I was a freak and weird (yes she used those exact words) time and time again, saying I would fake illness and was mentally ill turning my entire class against me. She got another professor in the department, Professor D on board to assist in making me a joke who ended up being worse than Mrs. P and lied about me time and time again eventually getting me kicked out of the field.

I ended up having to the college to court to get back into school and provided around 100 documents to prove I didn't do what she said I did and then changed the reason she kicked me out to something else that wasn't true in which was also backed by those documents. The Lawyer for Columbus State requested their documents to prove their case time and time again and always got the excuse of it was lost or I must have stolen it out of a cabinet that was locked in the department office area in one professor's office and in a locked filing cabinet so behind three locked drawers and their lawyer found this out by accidentally calling the professor who kept the files in his office. They pulled me into a room, locking me in it with them while both of them yelled at me trying to intimidate me to say I did it into a camera and I refused to admit I did something I didn't do and after two months of not sending them anything their lawyer said she would drop them if they did not provide any proof at all so they sent in the video of them harassing and verbally abusing me to try to get me to admit I did this and refusing to let me out of the room with me in tears and them still screaming in my face and calling me names but I never said I did anything and their lawyer asked my lawyer to see my documents of proof which proved without a reasonable doubt that I did not do what they said I did so she told them she was dropping out of their case and would not support them in court so I automatically won the case.

Their lawyer actually called me because all I was suing for was to be able to go back into the field and take the class again without having to pay for it even though it forced me to graduate late and she told me that if I really wanted to go after them I could tack on verbal abuse, harassment and unlawful detainment. I did not do this but the teachers in this program were unethical and made my life a living hell for a genetic condition I never asked for and in no way caused to myself.

Part of me wishes I would have went through with it and added to my case so that they will never work as interpreters again but I just wanted to get back in school and get my degree, not knowing then that I would be too sick to use it but being an interpreter was a dream of mine since I was in the first grade.

To fulfill my physical related credit I took a jazz dance class. I can't say much about that other than I was god awful. So bad at dancing that the professor came up to me in the fourth class and said, I know this isn't your major but I grade it as if it is and I think you should consider dropping this class because if you don't you will fail. I wanted to take Yoga but it was never available so I decided, I can't dance so why not learn. Though it was a beginners class it was short lived and I ended up having to drop it. Since that didn't work out the following quarter I took a fitness class that sounded a lot like the one I took in high school with Mrs. B. I loved her class so I decided to give this one a try and ended up loving it just as much. What I didn't expect was to have a professor who was just like her, since he knew right away something just wasn't right about me.

I really wish I could remember his name because he was an awesome professor. He noticed the first day and simply asked if there was anything he should know about. I told him no because I was still undiagnosed at the time so didn't know why I was so clumsy and so much weaker than everyone else. He really took notice, asking several times if I had any medical conditions he should know about before I did any of the exercises. I continued to tell him just Celiac Disease, hypothyroid and Scoliosis but none affected the class. Since there was an odd number of students in the class he ended up assigning partners instead of letting everyone choose their partners and made me the odd one out so he could be my partner to make sure I didn’t get injured.

During the class he modified exercises and gave me a barbell limit, telling me I was not to use any barbells over 25 lbs. When doing pull ups I was not allowed to do them alone making sure I did it in a way that protected my shoulders and using elastic straps under my knees while he supported me for proper body mechanics, I had to do sit ups on a balance ball instead of on the floor and he did some exercises on a balance board which made it more like an extremely intensive physical therapy class than a gym class.. I truly believe he knew what was going on and what was wrong with me. Rather he knew the name for it, I don't know, rather he had heard of EDS before, I will probably never be able to ask but I truly believe that he has at least seen the same symptoms before and knew the risk I was taking by entering this class and doing certain exercises.

I've had both good and bad luck with teachers throughout my life but what makes me different than other EDS patients is that I couldn't have asked for any better Physical Education teachers and professors throughout school if I tried. I was incredibly lucky in that aspect.