#and it was nigh impossible now still to feel good abt playing them as a girl

[godowoken]

,

[liquidlikecats]

📌 & ✨ for the hyperfixation asks!

Hffhfhfhr THANK YOU rubs my gay hands together an excuse to talk abt my ✨ Hyperfixations ✨

📌 How did you find your hyperfixation?

Well more like how did you find your hyperfixations and that uh. Yeah that certainly happened.

With biology, it all started when I was a young moss and my father took me to the city I apparently had always loved dinosaurs and everything alive. And that never changed. And I kept devouring the bio lessons and every single book abt animals that I could find. And then I wanted to become a Neurobiologist to research mental illnesses cuz I've got a ton myself. And then the mental illnesses didn't let me so now I'm sitting in my corner like that angy cat and still devouring biology info.

Fire Emblem was a funny story actually cuz I found it when I was still on Instagram and followed this one German artist whom I once accidentally found through deviantart bc of all the anime I watch(ed) and he kept mentioning it now and then so one day after coming back from a summer vacation I took my little me and walked myself to the store and bought my first fire emblem game, Fire Emblem Echoes for the Nintendo 3ds which slaps so incredibly stupidly hard and also has one alloaro and aroace coded character each. I will stop here it turns into a 50 page essay. Deen, you made me realize I like broody guys with swords and I owe you my life for that.

Uh. So many animes I'm still kind of obsessed with and also ff7 which I never got to play and where I'm waiting for the remake to be available on PC and praying for ff7r2 to not take 10 years to come out. Vincent, call me back. You're one of my favorite comfort characters. How did I even find that fucker. Fuck if I know. WAIT maybe it was when two of my friends who were in the same rp group as me got me into a FF mobile game and I could have little a Vincent, as a treat, and it all. Happened from there.

I am 99% sure I'm forgetting a bunch bc honest to God I just regularly cycle through all of them.

✨ What draws you to your hyperfixations? What interests you about them?

Well you see, biology is the science that explains how life itself functions and there is scarcely anything more interesting to me. To understand what I am made of, what lies beneath my skin, how everything I do and need to survive factors into each other and functions, how everything else alive around me does. The deep fascination for life and its refusal to disappear, it's sheer nigh impossibility and how yet it remains and develops and exists in more forms than anyone could ever comprehend. How much we don't know about it all, how much there yet lies in wait to be discovered. Learning from the life around us, transferring and using knowledge for ourselves. There is such a joy in learning and life offers endless lessons to be taken.

I like chess with maths. Not actual chess, I fucking hate that, but chess with maths where I know every single one of my pieces personally and come to care so deeply for them that I will do everything I can to ensure they get a good ending, to ensure they'll be fine, to make them strong and see their dreams come true. I get so very involved in the characters and lore, especially those that pick my fancy, in their entire life story, personality and how they interact and intersect with the world they're from. Also I like to slap aro on everyone and then make them kiss.

Games, books and anime get my brain going in a pretty similar to fe. It's the stories. The emotions and situations, what's conveyed and how it makes me feel. The deep bond I can potentially forge with the medium, the joy I can draw from it. Joy is stored in them. Also sometimes I just really need to beat the shit out of something so I go play witcher on blood and broken bones and crack some skulls.

This certainly turned out to be long. But it is the hyperfixations so there was no other possible ending for this lmao. Twas quite fun uwu

[lookwhatilost]

the thing abt justin is that. um. if i were to describe him, id call him the worlds most common rarity

there are a lot of people out there who have similar tastes in music and art, similar interests (minus the home brewing thing which honestly is DISGUSTINGLY appealing to me) and many of them are more physically attractive than he is. but he has like... such a soothing presence. a very comforting voice. jst all these weird little idiosyncrasies that are so genuine that you can’t help but interpret him as trustworthy. it’s probably in part bc ive known him in some capacity for 3 years now but ive never felt so comfortable around someone before which is weird bc my intuition always pushes me towards suspicion and paranoia even when I know it’s not rational (tho I’m not saying i dnt deal w this to some degree w him but im speaking relatively)

but the thing abt him too is that... like... as much as i like him, as much as i think he’s intelligent and interesting, and as great as our chemistry is. like. on an objective level he isn’t a “catch”. he’s negligent to his personal relationships in the name of his job. to be fair, his work is demanding. he never rly gets time off and life balance is nigh impossible when you’re clocking 60 hours a week at least. but one of his closest friends is a coworker and he got into a massive fight w him bc of he was being shitty to him a la “I’m jst doing my job” to the point where it’s been months and they’re yet to be on good terms. he dznt rly have a social life bc most of his friends are busy w their own families and partners and jobs. so he basically jst sleeps until 2PM. goes to work. leaves. comes home. gets drunk. watches old episodes of iasip until he passes out. rinse. repeat. if he’s off he’s usually jst seeing his sister or getting high or playing video games

i feel like the more i found out abt him, the less surprised i am that his ex left him for someone else. which is shitty but it’s kinda self-evident at this point

so, enter me. break in the monotony. something else. maybe not the someone he wants but his life dznt rly lend to meeting people or dating them. like, he’s 33 and his dating pool is rly limited amongst his peers bc most ppl that old are in LTRs. his job would be demanding if he didn’t overcommit to it. it’s difficult for him to meet people organically bc his social life is nonexistent and he detests social media, let alone dating apps/sites. he’s, like, objectively an alcoholic even if he is a high functioning one. he’s got rly limited romantic options and he’s aware of that.

I know he’s a lot more attached to me than he lets on. he can’t help but give it away. no matter how many “this is a bad idea”s come out of his mouth, he’s always liable to come back out of the woodwork and no matter how angry w me he gets he’s always back and missing me and shit. bc i think he knows that, like, this is as good as it’s realistically going to get for him. which is SUCH a shitty thing to verbalize but it’s true.

me on the other hand... like. i have an abundance of options for a variety of reasons. i find myself in all sorts of weird predicaments, and things have always sort of expanded for me in unpredictable ways. things for me are often hellish but never boring bc I hate being bored and do dumb shit in response to that nagging feeling. and i meet people, get into hash tag schenanigans... whatever. my life is jst beginning to take off, finally, and im ready to follow where it leads me.

i keep spending time w him bc i seriously do like him. the sex stuff has been kind of polarizing in that it’s a 50/50 chance of being enjoyable or being a complete unmitigated disaster, but it makes me feel good abt myself/attractive either way so i dnt rly care too much abt the finer details. but i know that like... im going to get bored and bounce to someone who hasn’t dedicated the rest of their days to crying abt an ex. he’s going to get a lot more upset abt that than he anticipates. he’s going to grovel. the jury’s still out on how I’m going to respond to that.

i entertained the idea of dating someone else jst to be hurtful to him but that’s apocalyptically shitty to him and apocalyptically shitty to whoever else would be unlucky enough to get involved. but that’s where this is going to end either way, yknow, realistically I’m not going to burn the rest of my life in a casual arrangement w someone who indefinitely isn’t ready to be in a relationship. and it’s going to upset him either way. fuck, him seeing me w Tommy hurt the hell out of him and that wasn’t even a date, nor were we sleeping together at the time.

but no matter what happens, this does not end well for him and I’m the one who’s going to come out of this w the least amount of damage. and i guess i feel weirdly secure in that. which is why i keep doing that. my feelings for justin are pretty deep but i know that there are, yknow, billions of other people out there and probably a lot that I’d feel similarly for. there’s a difference in mentality and his fares so much worse

it’s complicated. you know.