#and it's NOT because i'm using my fixation on her books to medicate my depression i'm normal (lying)

[gideonisms]

can tamsyn send me the google docs link to atn I have experience as a beta

[totallyveryallosexual]

TW: mention of sh, suicidal ideation

When I went to therapy, my therapist wouldn't diagnose me with ADHD because I'm a really good student with good grades, and she said that even if I had the symptoms of ADHD it needed to have an impact on your life to qualify for a diagnosis and clearly it didn't if I was getting straight As. I was a lot younger than I am now and didn't know how to stand up for myself in a medical setting.

I wish all the time I could go back and yell in her face that if ADHD didn't have an impact on my life, I wouldn't have been sitting in her office in the first place dealing with depression. I wouldn't have thought about different ways of killing myself every time I stayed up until two am finishing the projects I couldn't get myself to start on until the day before they were due. I would show her the scars my body kept as reminders of how much I hated myself for being unable to stick to or finish anything and ask her if they had an impact on my life.

I would go back and tell her about every time I couldn't focus on a lesson in class, how I would desperately try to keep my attention on the teacher and in doing so only become more distracted, how I mastered the art of making it seem like I knew what was going on at all times, of quickly catching up whenever I zoned back in.

I would point out how the classes I did well in were the ones where I would hyper fixate on the subject for days, spending all my free time one week consumed by advanced math, or all my free time another week writing an elaborate analysis of the book we were reading in English while neglecting to do the actual assignment the teacher had given us.

Every day I am mad at the system that told me external measures of success outweigh my own suffering and struggles simply because my depression is less noticeable to those around me than a c on a report card would be.