#and it's getting rather draining
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welp. i had to stop the antibiotic for my sinus infection because i Am indeed allergic to it and it keeps giving me anaphylaxis so yeah executive decision was made that i shouldn’t risk it :( i’m so frustrated and i’m really starting to feel sick to a point that i could collapse at any moment
#literally had a guy from work i see everyday stop in his tracks and ask me if i’m okay#and i purposefully put on mascara today to mask how horrible i feel#sometimes my sinus pain/pressure and migraines get so severe that i think i would rather just. keep taking the antibiotic#because even though that horrible indescribable dread during anaphylaxis#it’s such a scary horrible sickening feeling like it’s so distinct idk but idk…it eventually goes away#the pain doesn’t unless i finish the whole course of antibiotics#this is so fucking frustrating and i’m so tired i don’t have time#i’m scared i’m going to get pneumonia again#i won’t even be able to go to#the appointment they’re scheduling for me tomorrow until at least tomorrow night and that’s if they even have that#otherwise i’ll have to wait til saturday#god by then i’ll be miserable#i’m so drained and it felt like friday all day for some reason but it’s not ugh#random probably delete later just so annoyed
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#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water#my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort#bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle#the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum#isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year#program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to#get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying#as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol#hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of#sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess#but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it#hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not#causing it. ugh symptom management i guess#unrelated
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This sounds good, but sadly no mention of the international Whovian community.
Will it be available on Disney+ or will I be watching it illegally?
#doctor who#whoniverse#tales of the tardis#australia#disney era#timelordinaustralia#i want to get hyped#but it's draining to have to find a way to watch it illegally#rather watch it safely and legally
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I have to wear a suit tomorrow 😤😤😤😤 /neg
I hate wearing suits, they're never fucking breathable /gen /neg
#storm fucks around and finds out#you wear uniforms for a while you get sick of any kind of dress clothes#hate this society where wearing a dress suit is deemed as presentable#I'd rather wear anything else#i don't mind button up shirts those are fine but ties are a hell no#hopefully it won't drain my social battery but I'll be mentally complaining about everything else
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Was just hit with the sudden realisation that if you take out all the D&D elements and just focus on the characters, setting, and story, the horror-themed campaign I'm co-running at the moment would make for a GREAT video game.
Now to simply learn how to do that, completely from scratch.
#for the last few years i was helping a pal make games and it was really cool at first#but it ended up being incredibly draining and kind of ruined the joy of game development for me#i love that friend dearly but i had to quit because it was making me really depressed and i was kind of holding him back because of it#so anyway i need to get back into game making#specifically so that i can make things i WANT to make rather than things i'm kind of obligated to#but it's hard getting back to it so it really feels like starting from scratch
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So excited that having almost 1000 followers means I get notes on my fics…
#like what the actual fuck#I feel like having over 900 followers means I should get at least 100 notes per fic on the low end… and here I am fucking begging for 20#I spend hours and hours writing and editing and making moodboards like I have other responsibilities I’m a full time student but I love#writing and I love sharing my writing but it’s so fucking draining like I’m screaming into the void every time I post#I should need to beg for notes or interaction why is it so hard for people like… I’d rather you not follow me if you’re never going to#interact and I don’t write for the notes but I do post for notes… would an author publish a book just for no one to buy it??? like even#a reblog without a comment would be nice or just like a heart or a this was great would be so fucking wonderful but I guess that’s too much#ask for#anyway… idk how to feel rn
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Cried at dinner time because my kids were Too Much(tm) - achievement unlocked.
#life#rl#just too much this evening#just started crying in front of my dad#my mum asked what was wrong and dad just said to gimme a minute (which i was glad he said)#gonna get youngest ready for bed then brush eldest's hair (its suuuuper thick) then maybe have a bath myself?#dunno yet#rather have a shower but its such a pain in the arse after showering to mop up that its not worth it#we have a wet room#its poorly designed istg#barely any dip towards the drain#and the drain doesn't drain quickly enough imo#but this is my first wet room so what do i know?#mama post
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I love how interactions between Misa and Tobias could be great but HIS first reaction to the idea is "are you trying to kill me?"
#tbd.#mobile.#AHSHSJJSKSHSJ 😭😭😭#Tobias IS a fan of feisty blondes but he'd very much rather Not Die#It's hilarious to me how he went through a billion steps to get rid of his real name#and all that would be down the drain if Misa w the eyes looked at him. Sobbing at the mental image#AND WORSE IS THAT HE'D KNOW SHE'S THE 2ND KIRA at least as assumed by L#It would simply be too late for avoiding her AHSHJSKSJSJKS he'd just have to improvise from the on and hope for the best
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Serot's own arsenal of spells and generally how he applies necrotic magic differs from modern day Anactaci. You can clearly see the foundation he laid, but it has been over a thousand years. The order has evolved considerably in that time. There's also the fact that he was reborn at level one and has structured his skills to suit his present needs, but [hand waves]
There are different sects and roles within the Anactaci who call on the Plane of Death in different ways, but certain generalities can be relied upon. Their magic is largely geared toward what would be considered divination. They are the bridge between this life and the next, the messengers of eternity. They commune both with the souls of the dead and with spirits — chiefly spirits / entities on the Plane of Death but spirits of all types, including those like Refhremmit. Indeed, every City of Eternity has one Anactaci dedicated to communing with their patron. It is a sacred office.
Beyond that, their magic is deeply focused on the soul and the threshold between life and death. They are adept at identifying and countering curses or maladies of the soul. They are adept at identifying and addressing possessions or spiritual attachments. The skilled can manipulate the ravages of time on a body or object (a skill shared with the Manthu). The most skilled of all can leave their bodies behind to inhabit ritually prepared objects; these become the teachers of the Anactaci and keepers of the deepest mysteries.
Yes of course, they animate and preserve corpses, either directly or by calling a spirit to inhabit it. This is part of Meketi funerary rites. But, simply making dead things move is only part of their skillset. Indeed, it's the most basic part.
Anactaci are bound by sacred oaths to turn their magic to holy purpose and with a thought for balance always. However, a truly irate or unscrupulous Anactaci could do serious damage. Particularly if they are skilled. Insidious curses and nigh-undetectable possessions (i.e. slowly driving a person to madness with ill luck or nightmares; far worse curses are possible). Yanking a person's soul directly from their body, either holding it captive or causing it to become lost. Learning secrets from spirits or from souls that can utterly destroy a person. Causing them to rapidly age, turning to sun-bleached bone before their eyes, one limb at a time. Or causing them to wither, then return to their correct age, then wither, then return to their correct age — over and over until they don't know whether they're alive or dead. If capable of severing their soul from their body, they can possess others directly, influencing or totally overriding their will. They might not touch a person at all; they might sap all life from their home instead.
Fortunately, such corrupt Anactaci are rare — and swiftly dealt with.
#META / HC: WORLDBUILDING.#RE: ANACTACI#this isn't a polished meta#but I'm reading about Chosen so obvs magical abilities are on my mind#Serot's rain of blood and animate blood he learned as a ghul lord have the fucking pizzazz#but modern Anactaci are frightening in ways you don't think to fear til it's too late#or rather they have the potential to be if they forsake their oaths#which has consequences. Anactaci and Manthu both are literally bound by their oaths. those tattoos aren't merely aesthetic#but that's a discussion for another time#Serot getting angry enough to yank someone's soul directly out of their body tho . . .#he would have to be beyond incensed for that#and would feel absolutely disgusted with himself afterward. like might vomit type of disgusted#still. if Serot wasn't a moral man. he could be horrifying#he could make your blood boil you alive from the inside#he could make your own body turn against you while you're trapped inside helpless#he could keep your soul in a jar while he puppets your body#and allows you to learn whether the incorporeal can feel torment#he could call the Plane of Death into your very soul and watch it consume all life within you#and leave your body to infect anyone else nearby with the same fate#he could banish part of you to the Plane of Death so that the part of you on the Material Plane experiences that torment without reprieve#and must live from then on missing something with a searing ache that was swallowed by death itself#or he could banish you there just briefly and pull you back before you exploded. dangling you just above death like a pot of boiling oil#he could call down plagues. he could raise droves of undead their ranks replenished by their victims#he could drain life from the very earth itself#he WON'T but he COULD#well also it's gonna take time to get back to the power level he was at before dying in his first life#and frankly he doesn't want to be back at the level if he doesn't have to be#but y'know. first life. if he'd been a cruel man.
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Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void
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#nils talking#feeling very tired after this week#the start was so full of uncertainty and while a bit of relief has set in#I'm just drained#tomorrow I'll be visiting a friend for a semi-regular thing and I'm not really in the mood#but I also don't wanna cancel so I hope I'll just feel better tomorrow than I did the last few days#bc I do feel kinda lonely rn and like I'm treading water#I need change and closure and I won't get it before the year is over#too many variables too much that still needs to happen first#but there could be smaller changes that are less drastic#connections that don't need to be for a long time but rather beautiful moments#or a deepening of connections I already have but which are very marginal#at the moment I see both potential within me but also my current limits and limitations#anyway I just hope that the next few months will bring happiness and progress for me#I don't wish to fade away into the background#I want to try my best at making an impact and being remembered fondly#to not just be the awkward fat person that stood in the corner of the party#or who was just a random fellow student or coworker#I hate feeling powerless but it's so difficult to change things when you lack the energy#sorry about this if you read this you're entitled to compensation#also for the record I don't recommend looking up what former classmates are doing a decade after graduating school#it's a mostly depressing affair
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#i know ive been bitching about this a lot lately but just let a girl vent pls#husband just got home and said 'you look tired you should go lie down '#and i told him i cant. i have too much housework to do. 'well lay down after that '#cant. because then i have more housework after that.#and he got all huffy at me like i was being dramatic#and he said 'how am i supposed to snuggle up with you if you arent laying down? c#and i shot back ' who's going to do the housework if i dont '#and he rolled his eyes. straight up rolled his eyes.#this is the man that is constantly telling me to just ask him for more help. just make a list#yelled at me and stormed out of the house whej i told him to pls just use his eyes#bc i dont have time to make him a list of chores#and also the man who if i do ask him to do smth it doesnt get done#examples just from today. he was heading into town and i asked him to please bring the recycling with him. he didnt.#he yells at me for doing the cat litter bc its bad for my asthma. but then leaves it until its bad enough i have to do it#bc its unfair to the cats to expect them to use a litter box that bad. and then he gets mad at me for not just asking him to do it#like. its in the bathroom. right next to the toilet. he has to look at it when hes taking a shit every day. and youre telling me#he doesnt notice it? i have to remind him???#and then i get yelled at and reprimanded for just doing it myself#' ASK FOR HELP DAMMIT! '#i do. i do all the fucking time. i ask you to empty the garbage bc bending over makes my back scream. but you dont#and i have to power through and do it.#i ask you to bring the recycling into town to drop off. and as soon as you leave i find out you didnt even gather it up.#i ask you to please clear out the bathtub drain. for two weeks. and you brush it off until the day i decide to#do it myself and you get so passive aggressive about it and ' no ILL DO IT. the tool is back in my mom's room#guess I'll just go WAKE HER UP FROM HER NAP so i can grab it since you need it done! '#im so tired of asking and then just being disappointed anyway.#if im gonna get yelled at anyway id rather just do it all myself so at least its done. and not sit there and beg for help and do it anyway
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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Ughh...
#tired of seeing hate on my twit timeline lmao#dont know why people feel the need to spread constant negativity#its so exhausting#like why do people care that much#i used to be like that but i fucking stopped#aint nobody have the time for constant negative energy#it just drains your fucking soul#wouldnt you rather be somebody that can inspire others with positivity???#if people wanna criticize then learn to say it in a way that matters#use positivity to inspire people to go beyond the hate#it will get you much further#rant i guess lmao im just pissy about online social circles
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godddddd wasting time and energy on things that don't fucking matter has got to be THE worst feeling
#personal#i felt super embarrassed in my korean lesson today#because I didn't have a lot of time the last couple of weeks and I was trying to resolve the situation w the other tutor#when i should have just cut my losses and bailed#and look i know i'm learning there's literally no reason to be embarrassed etc but i am insane so that's not an option LOL#i should have somehow already known the contents of the lesson and therefore not needed the lesson hope this helps#but actually it was like i spent what little time i had preparing for the other lesson that was stupid and pointless rather than this one#and that just made me feel :( you know#in fairness to me my mental health was circling the drain literally until 2 days ago#so the last couple of days have just been like *sweeps up the carnage of various mental breakdowns and other insane behavior* LOL#but idk just generally feeling frustrated with myself even tho that's not super helpful#also frustrated that stupid bullshit has been taking up way too much of my time and energy lately#and it seems like the more i try to get the stupid bs out of the way the more it just dominates my life somehow#also super helpful that my brain's natural response to this state of being is 'well maybe you can't do anything right and should die :)'#like okay ty for your input LOL#despite how this sounds actually my korean lesson was REALLY good LOL#it was so good I just like got upset about wasting time on other bs you know??#anyway ty for coming to my nightly overshare i actually feel better now#love to shout into the void#exciting korean learning tag
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#every fiber of my body just wants to scream#i’m so out of tune with my emotions that i won’t even let the panic reach me#3 years ago i used to be so incredibly overwhelmed by my emotions that i was not able to control them#rather they took a hold on me#and now i’m so out of tune with them that i can’t let things phase me#and i’m not doing it on purpose i seem to have no control once again but now on the contrary side#my subconscious remembers how extremely overwhelming my emotions used to be#that it’s protecting me by not letting them get close to me at all#it’s not that i don’t feel anything#i do#it’s just that as soon as i feel something#my brain automatically lowers it down that i’m not even able to name the emotion i’m feeling anymore#and it is so draining#so draining to the point i don’t actively feel it#i know it’s there but i’m unintentionally keeping myself out my own self?#funny how my black & white theme fits as that’s exactly considered as black & white thinking#i either feel too much or won’t let myself feel anything#i need to find the grey tone#but how#how do i find it?#and ngl if one of you guys actually read everything then please let me know in one way or another lol
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you know... maybe I do need a social life!
#og post#problem is How to get one#and more importantly for me how to maintain it. Since social interactions just make me feel drained rather then anything#I went against my character a few times by reaching out to a few people and being very sociable. However I still feel a bit empty from that#Kinda want more then just chatting on Discord. Since it feels like I do that already
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