#hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[magicalslug]

Big Emotions

Had a deep talk with my friend.

They said things i needed to hear.

But also, despite that, i can't. I can't understand.

Genuinely hard to conceptualize for me.

What could i possible be, for someone to want to still be my friend, after they've seen the ugly parts of me.

The needy ones, the clingy ones, the ones that are too much and too obsessive and paranoid and most of all, so pathetic and helpless. So stupid. So egotistical in thinking i deserve to be liked for them.

Like.

What am i?

What do i offer? What am i giving? How am i being useful?

I guess therein lies the issue.

I can't conceptualize that someone would like me, for me, with all my issues. Despite my issues.

I am nothing. I have done nothing. I haven't done anything with my life.

The truth is, they like me, because they haven't seen me.

The real me.

The real me obsessed with them. Obsessed. Obsessed. The me that dreams of one day dying heroically to save them from something, anything, so that my life may finally have a meaning.

You wouldn't like me for that, would you?

No one would like me for that.

I guess i was angry when they told me that our bond is irreplaceable. Because i thought it was a lie.

I know it's a lie. If it was so irreplaceable, then you wouldn't have replaced me in the first place isn't it?

Empty words.

Why would you give me empty words?

I am sobbing.

Because i know i am not human, i am a monster, and I've convinced everyone that i am a human. Just human.

But that's not true. I am monstrous.

Monstrous because i want and want and WANT.

What do i want? Everything. I want to be adored. Loved unconditionally. Worshipped and cared for.

I want.

I want to be loved in every way. Filled so much with love that i explote and die like a firework.

But i know. That's delusional.

I am horrible. Horrible.

Horrible.

I'M A MONSTER. selfish and jealous and empty.

Nothing will ever fill the void.

And i know this. It's delusional to think that even if you liked me romantically, that would change anything.

In fact, it would make me worse. More paranoid of you seeing the deeper parts of me. The parts of me that are even more vulnerable. More unhinged.

And.

We're in a weird spot.

Because it's true, i killed my love for you. My romantic love.

Now the idea of... you liking me romantically is. It's not ideal for me.

I can't conceptualize it anymore. It feels weird. It feels violating.

It feels faker than before.

So what do i want? Why do i still want you to be

Be what? My savior? No, i never thought of you that way.

Then, my only true friend? The only one i can truly trust? Is that it? Then why do i feel i can never tell you anything, since I'm too afraid of you hating me the moment i Am Too Much

"But youre only human" YOU DONT GET IT, YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, I AM A MONSTER AND I WILL RUIN YOU

I can only ruin you

Like all unloved people do

I guess

I

I wanted you to love me, unconditionally, forever and ever.

That way, i would have

I would have had

Someone to trust

I didn't want to love back

I didn't want to put in the effort

I just

I just wanted to know someone loved me for me, and that meant, i could finally trust again

And stop being scared

Scared of being unlovable

As I've always been

Always the groomsman

Never the Bride

I want to be protected, adored, i want someone to think I'm precious and in need to be cared for.

I just.

I wish i was precious to someone. In the ways I've found others to be precious to me.

The point is.

I want you to be happy with your boyfriend. I do.

Genuinely, nothing would make me happier.

But also. Nothing would make me happier, if you let me walk away from your life. So i can live on knowing i was always right about being unlovable for being me. For being monstrous. For being selfish.

Because that way, i would never get the chance to hurt you. To ruin you. To take away the Mental Image you may have of me.

I do believe, you love that image you have of me at least.

The me i crated to be palatable to others. If you love them, I'm happy. It worked. I made a version of me that can be loved.

But the real me remains unloved. I guess, i guess that's what continues to hurt me so much.

Even a part of me can be loved, but never the monster that is me.

The real me.

The real me that is selfish. Ugly. A bastard. A broken little thing that has never achieved anything.

Why am i alive for, again?

For me. I am alive for me. I am living for me.

You. You. Please. Live for me. I love you. Please.

Remember that i love you.

I love you, and that's not a lie.

That's why we've lived so long. Because i loved you all along. Even, the real you.

Especially the real you. Even the parts that are morally reprehensible to love. Especially those. Because i was there all along to witness them.

Your errors, i love them. As much as i love you.

It may feel lonely, I'm sorry about that. But i do love you. And i want you to be happy.

Please, let us be happy together forever.

I would choose you over anyone else, in a heartbeat. As I've always done. I love you. I love you. I love you so much.

[searchingformylostpan]

How do i forgive myself when i hate myself more than anyone else? How do i let go and move on? I don't feel like that's going to be happening anytime soon, and i can't hold on like this much longer. Haven't had many clean days since we talked as you probably assumed. I can't handle the sadness. I can't just accept that you found someone who you could love and took that opportunity to leave me. You had someone to go to, someone to comfort you, i had nothing. I still have nothing. I don't want to start a new relationship, i tried that but it felt so wrong. I haven't felt ok for more than a day since 2020. I don't want to be sad anymore. Im so exhausted from just trying to keep myself going that i don't have anything left in me to make it through the 1-24 months of horrible readjusting that getting clean will bring or the rest of my life of my already unmanageable depression. I almost wish i never would have met you, because they then i wouldn't know just how good it felt to be loved by you, and the sharp contrast of just how miserable it feels that i destroyed it. It's supposed to be me with you right now. Im not supposed to be here alone wishing for death, i had everything i wanted, but i couldn't accept that it was really mine. I should have put that ring on in January 2021 when you gave it to me and never looked back. We would be ok if i had any kind of sense of self worth. But nope. I've always felt like I'm inadequate, that no one should love me, and when reality doesnt match up with that i unconsciously sabotage into until i am inadequate and unloved. I am beyond useless, i cant do anything right and i dont want to have to keep living. I never should have fought my mom to take me to the doctor for the abcess. You had already decided to leave me by then, you had probably already met her and no longer loved me. If i would have known that you were going to leave me i never would have gotten that fixed, i would have let that silently take me out. It wouldn't have been me actively killing myself then. Just another useless frug addict dying from their own poor choices. Better for everyone if i would have died. Better for you. Better for my family, and better for me. I wouldnt have had to go through the last few months of crying at least 5 times every day i have the right to cry. I dont want to be crying all the time, i dont want to be sad. But really what is there in my life to make me not be this fucking sad all the time. I have no friends, i have nothing going on in my life, i have no drsire to do anything and i can't think of myself as anytjing other than my worst enemy. I can't stop hating me for what i did. Beause if i wouldn't have been so good awful stupid and self destructive, i would still be happy right now. I would be the one you cuddle up to every night. I wouldn't have had my two little babies taken from me, nothing would be hurting me, i would be haply still. It doesnt feel like ill ever be happy again. I don't deserve to be happy. You were able to move on so fast and forget about me by timing your new relationship oh so very well and waiting for someone else to comw along before leaving me. You never had to feel this pain. You never had to. Can i borrow a gun? I only need to make one shot with it. You can have it back right after im done. One bullet and everything will finally stop hurting. Even when i first attemted i didn't feel this hopeless. I have already caused everyone so much pain and i don't want to cause any more. I don't know how much longer i can keep fighting the urdge tho. That's the only solution i see that will be permanently effective at getting me clean and getting me to stop being so unbearably miserable.

[simkjrs]

Would you be willing to do Uchiha Kaeru for the ask meme?

uchiha kaeru from the scorpion and the frog by @zarinthelwrites :)

favorite thing about them

i love how she makes things worse on purpose. and i love her sense of humor. its so inspiring how she was dedicated to making things hurt more for everyone involved, at everyone's expense. girlboss of all time

least favorite thing about them

the most frustrating aspect of kaeru's character is probably that she had the ability to change things, but wasn't interested in doing so, and didn't try. as the reader you constantly are wishing that kaeru would let go of her belief that there is no point in changing "canon" because the cycle will continue, no matter what... but it is also a really excellent part of her character that makes you think again about what kind of lasting change kaeru could have made, if she tried. could she have stopped the deaths of her clan? what about the oncoming wars? and what of the fighting that would continue even after naruto swore he would change everything?

having knowledge of canon events, kaeru knows that naruto & sasuke & everyone else will fall into the exact same cycle that they swore to change. kaeru doesn't change because the world around her doesn't change. she doesn't see a point. she has the people she cares about, and fuck the rest, really. she's a great distorted mirror of the naruto world i think, so even though her refusal to change is her most frustrating aspect i also think its one of her most interesting traits. queen

favorite line

it's so hard to pick one. she had the best one liners ever and they came practically every other paragraph. i am paralyzed by choice.

favorite one liner:

"I'm just tired. I'm done fighting people, Kaeru. I sacrificed my own life to avoid causing more harm."

"I died to cause someone a ton of harm, so at least I'm going to be continuing that trend."

favorite serious moment:

"You know, Naruto," Kaeru says. "I don't have any faith in you."

"What?"

"I don't believe you can save Konoha, or change the world, or even forge a lasting peace that isn't built on blood and rot."

"I--"

"Shh, I'm still talking. I hate the world that I grew up in, and I'm going to hate the world that you grow old in, and I'm going to hate the world that still exists long after you've joined me and Nagato in the ground. But, despite all of that, I am going to go, right now, and have Kabuto release every corpse in this war that he still controls."

Kaeru smiles at him, body dissolving into slowly falling white feathers as she continues to talk.

"You're a good kid, Naruto. So, just this once, I'll act like that's going to be enough."

brOTP

kaeru & tatsuma & maruten :) the way that they are best friends despite being a missing-nin, a ROOT agent, and a t&i agent respectively is literally the funniest thing in the world. i love how they all play off of each other and how they are all ride and die. probably one of the saddest things in this story is that we dont get to see more of them being the funniest friends around

OTP

hmm well we are venturing very far into the realm of head canons about someone else's OC now. i think kaeru likes women but also is not interested in a relationship like at all. but she would find it funny if someone flirted with her probably

nOTP

kaeru x a serious romantic relationship. shes happy being dying & dead. she doesnt want one

random headcanon

i think that when orochimaru left akatsuki it was because kaeru kept driving him to tears by virtue of her insufferable personality. and i think it really hurt orochimarus feelings that kaeru thought his attempts to experiment on & kill her were funny and amusing more than anything else. he wanted to be taken seriously but he just couldnt get any dignity from her. itachi chased him out of akatsuki on purpose but kaeru wouldve been perfectly happy letting him stay in the same space as her so she could keep poking him forever. he just could not take it anymore

unpopular opinion

is there such a thing as an unpopular opinion about kaeru? i think people who are mad that kaeru didnt go on a power trip with all of her cool abilities are just haters with no understanding of how much funnier it is that she couldve done something but didnt. "you wouldn't get it" -- me to all the SV commenters who do this

song i associate with them

trigger finger by coyote kid - the kaeru & sasuke song of all time

You've got a steady hand that's cold to the touch You've only got one shot but do you have the guts To make it count. Don't let me down

You've got guts kid but Is that enough to turn this around

favorite picture of them

using my own drawing for this.

[xtodorcki]

Could you Maybe write a headcanon about Levi and erwin taking in the reader after her parents died where she is living with all the scouts/cadet corps and just Like them being her two fake overprotective dads? (You Can add a Lil erenxreader if u want)

If you dont wanna write this thats totally fine, ily <3

“Father Figure,” Erwin x Levi Headcanon

I actually really like this ideaaaa, I can imagine Levi and Erwin being over protective dads.

Summary: headcanon of Erwin and Levi as overprotective dads after they take baby you in after your parents die.

Warnings: noneee, just fluffy dads

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Levi:

When Levi found you in the streets, skinny, on the brink of death and crying after witnessing your parents die from starvation, it had gave him horrible flashbacks from when he was in that same position.

He didn’t hesitate to take you in and raise you as his own, you even got comfortable enough to call him dad but they were times when you would switch between dad and Levi which he didn’t mind.

Once you became of age, you had tried to convince Levi to let you join the scouts but he continuously said no which made you bicker with him.

You definitely got your stubbornness from him 100%. The small arguments between you two were entertaining like two children fighting over the last slice of pizza until he would get irritated and made you clean.

When the new set of cadets came in, it wasn’t long that you became close friends with Eren, Armin and the rest of them since you were around their age but Levi had always tried his best to keep you separated from the cadets, it only made your dream to become a scout increase.

“When are you going to let me join the scouts, dad?” You brought the topic up once again, he was sure this was the millionth time this month you had brought it up but he was obviously being dramatic

“I’m not letting you join, Y/N. That will always be my final answer.” The annoyance in his tone was obvious and he had stared over at you, making you let out a groan.

“Why are you so afraid of me joining? I learned from the best and you’re keeping me trapped in here like a dog!” You certainly pushed his buttons even to the point where he would ask himself why he picked you up and took you in but of course he never regretted that decision, he loved you like his own.

“I’m not letting you go out there and risk your life under my watch, Y/N.”

“As if you don’t leave me here to risk your life and leave me wondering if I’ll become an orphan again.”

Levi grew quiet, he knew you were right but he never really went deep into thought about it and he couldn’t help but feel guilty once he saw it from your point of view.

“I doubt I’ll be dying anytime soon, too good at my job.” He said with a snarky attitude, his eyes moving back down to the papers in front of him.

“Doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t be hypocrite. I want to join the scouts.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I said no.” Levi shot you a hard glare, making you close your mouth and breathe in through your nose.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, get out of here and go do your chores.” He simply said, using his hand to gesture you off and that had made you upset, mumbling words he couldn’t make out while you stepped towards the office door.

“Hey,” He spoke up again, making you turn around and you had gotten scared that he heard your mumbles and was probably going to add more chores to your list.

“I love you, alright? I’ll think about it.” Levi had a huge soft spot for you, his heart weighed heavily to even think about his own child joining the scouts. He wanted you to be somewhat normal and live a normal life.

“Really? You’re serious?”

“I might be but I can’t promise that I would agree to it, Y/N.” He said in a grumpy tone, a groan leaving his lips when you ran over to hug onto him.

“Thank you, dad.”

You certainly kept Levi on his toes and always gave him headaches to the point where he would miss the times you were young, adorable, didnt argue back, cuddling into him as you slept instead being a pain in the ass teenager but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Erwin:

Erwin had somehow ended up at the scene. After wall Maria had fallen, they went through to try and find any survivors and that’s when his laid upon you. You were in your crib, quiet and completely unharmed.

Both of your parents were nowhere in sight and he had feared that they’ve been eaten by the Titans. He didn’t want to take you in, he had tried to fight the urge to have his emotions connected to his job but once he lifted you up in his arms, your big eyes instantly melted his heart.

After that, you grew up under his roof and under his supervision. It had taken him years for him to be comfortable enough to tell you that he wasn’t your real father and that your real parents had died, you were around 16 when he first sat you down and told you.

But that didn’t change the love you had for your father, you were very close with him and he made sure to be the best he could be, better than his dad at least.

Since you had lived with Erwin, you were always around the scouts and the cadets, you even had a small crush on Jean and once your father found out, he definitely started playing the overbearing dad to the point where he would watch you closely and even told the scouts to not entertain you.

That really didn’t stop you nor Jean from being friends and even flirting here and there but Jean would get scared every time Erwin would give you that deadly look.

After that, he tried to keep you away from the cadets/scouts and gave you more chores and stuff to do like go into town to shop, to do things where it would be far from the cadets and he would even force you to eat in his office with him instead with the others, it had gotten on your nerves but you were smart enough to not talk back and defy him in anyway, Erwin can definitely be harsh with punishments and treat you like a cadet.

But Erwin also was too soft when it came to you, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you or make you hate him because you grew up to be a well grounded person, you grew up around the sweetest and smartest guy from the scouts and you learned hell of a lot from him.

“I seen you with Jean today.” Erwin spoke as he ate his food and you tried to avoid the topic, acting as if you were just asking him questions.

“I was just asking him where the cleaning supplies were, he had them last.” You cleared your throat, the little lie he can easily see right through.

“You don’t have to lie to me, I raised you better than that, Y/N.” He raised his eyebrow, giving you another chance to tell the truth.

“Sorry, dad.” You mumbled, picking at the food on your plate to keep yourself distracted from not making eye contact with him.

“Look, I hate to be the bad guy here. I didn’t want you to be so involved with the scouts like this but I guess it was unavoidable when we live here. I just don’t want you to involve emotions when it’s not promised that he’ll make it back alive every mission.” Erwin had to be nice, only for your sake but deep down he wish he could lock you away from all the cadets.

“You’re acting as if I’m about to marry him.” You snort out a laugh, looking up at him and he chuckled.

“Certainly not, that would be over my dead body before I allow that to happen.” He admitted, making you furrow your eyebrows.

“You’re so dramatic. I’m not dating Jean.” You rolled your eyes, he was always dramatic you thought. He always watched over you like a hawk and you never really understood why when you were perfectly safe living inside the base.

But deep down Erwin always feared that he would end up losing you. Even though he always told himself, no emotions or personal feelings when it came to joining the scouts and becoming commander but now his life revolved around you, making sure you were safe, healthy and happy above all but what he also feared the most is that he won’t make it home one day to you and that’s why he’s always so loving and over protective.

That’s why he constantly wants to spend time with his only child, he didn’t want you to feel how he felt when his father disappeared. So when it came to you hanging out Jean a little too much, the father instinct kicked in and he tried to get between, afraid of losing you to not only Titans but to another man.

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I hopeeeeee this turned out good for you🥺🤧 feel free to send in more requests.

• Main Masterlist •

• AOT Masterlist •

[efoxkitty]

It's been while since I posted the cool lines from alternate timeline. Since @pastelicious-nova guessed most of it and others liked the idea, as a reward I'm reposting the quotes in context. You can see who said them, but the question is, is that enough to guess the plot? You can certainly try :)

First here's me making Mr. Smajor that bitch.

And then they hear the classic singsong voice ask "Did you miss me~?" and Jimmy feels a huge weight fall off his chest. "I must admit, dying was not for me, I'm too busy doing hot girl shit."

"I think next time I'll ask for a different priest, this one seems fine, but the ceremony was a 3 at best. The murder did boost the rating to 7 but since I died, I'm lowering it to 4." He jokes and is about to look around for Jimmy, when he realizes someone's holding his hand. He smiles as he looks at his husband "I promised I would protect you, didn't I?"

"You know, since you ruined my wedding, I think you should at least throw me a better one." And before anyone can protest, he brings Jimmy in front of the altar.

And here's the angst :)

Quote 1: Oops, I hurt Jimmy.

"Please, don't do this. Please, I can't protect him. I can't. I-" Jimmy gets stopped by a sob and with horror he realizes it's him. He tries to say more, but it all just ends up in him begging, pleading for the life of his husband to be spared. "If you need to take a life, just take mine, please, let him live, please." He thrashes, even if he knows he puts up as much struggle as a toddler as he's still drugged, but he needs to try. For Scott.

Quote 2: Rip Nether bros, broken by the reds /j Martyn is angy :(

"Did you liked the potions? I got inspired by Scott, actually. Did you know that me and him were the first people to find the fortress and take all the netherwart? We made our own monopolies after destroying other's. But you wouldn't know that would you? After all, you are the one who burned that bridge, or shall I say banner?"

Quote 3: X-life references my beloved

"Joel here just suggested a really good idea and I think you will apreciate the sentiment Jimmy."

He tries to steady his voice "And what exactly is this great idea?"

"That if you wish to leave, you need to sacrifice a life and then you're free to go wherever you want."

Quote 4: Jimmy has doubts :(

"Dont you see Scott will hate you and never want to join you? He will try to kill you."

"That's why we have you as the leverage."

"But what if he sees me only as a tool? As someone he can use? What then? He will just tell you to kill me and all you will achieve is relasing a calculated killer, who will make you watch your backs."

Quote 4: Plea number 28372882 (I tried to trick you with this one on purpose :D)

He sees Martyn hesitate, so he tries with one last look into his former ally's eyes as he whispers towards him "Don't make me kill the one I serve." He sees Martyn freeze on the spot in front of his king and presses harder "Martyn, please, you know the shame, the guilt of failing your lord. Please, help me."

Quote 5: Red king my beloved but also abhored as you're the villain here

"Come on Scott, aren't you even a little bit curious? I can offer you a chance to be strong. An oppoturnity to fight back against your enemies, don't you want to protect your husband?" The king tilts his chin, as the crimson banner waves behind his head.

Quote 6: Feral Scott arc my beloved

"Better question would be, do you want to watch his back to make sure I don't kill him? Make sure I don't set a trap like Grian and kill as many as I can? If you want me to be your killer, all you had to do was ask." Scott smiles sweetly, but they all know it's just hidden poison, waiting to strike it's target.

And a lil bonus:

Scott hugs him and Jimmy relaxes into the gesture. "You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'll keep you safe." And Jimmy nods.

But who will keep me safe from you? He thinks grimly and imidiately regrets that though.

[someone-worth-racing-for]

And here I am again, on the topic of Carlos haters. I'm actually very happy for you for not being around people who wish him to crash or to die, because there are so many out there. And its scary. Especially in F1. In a sport where every single fan knows, how it can end. In a sport where its not that inpossible for a driver to actually loose his life. And still they are out there.

Triggerwarning, don't read if you get emotional easy

I had someone telling me that he wishes for Carlos to die, and that his whole family should see it, and that he should have a long and horrible death, which should cause him a lot of pain because "this is what he deserves".

And this broke me. Because its F1. Because it could happen. And I wouldn't know what do if Carlos would actually loose his life, not to imagine his family... And there are people out there who actually put it into words. Its distrubing, alarming. And it leaves me helpless. What should I with messages like it? How can I stop it?

I got nightmares of any kind of drivers dieing because of stuff like this. Because people throw around words without thinking. Or maybe its my fault? Because I'm too attached to drivers? Maybe their death or those people shouldnt bother me?

If you dont feel like sharing this message (because it might be quite disturbing and I got carried away quite a lot, sorry for that) but still wanna answer me, you can call me "Jamie B." in your post and I will still know that you meant me and this message. I was gonna write you a DM but it feels better to stay anonym in this topic, or people might use this against me.

Trigger warning - the following text and also the ask above contains content that some may find disturbing. Please, read with care.

Seriously, anonym - I'm very glad you sent this message to me, because such things need to be talked about and not get ignored! It's so important to talk about this topic and not just look past it.

Yeah, I know I can call myself really happy to be around people who don't wish Carlos or any other driver any harm. Yes, not everyone of the people I follow/talk to support Carlos to 100%, but at least they all stay respectful and are grown up enough to know that you DON'T say duch things! NEVER EVER! ABOUT NO ONE!

Like I have said before, I really wasn't aware about that there are (still) so many people out there, that say stuff like that and even worse they also really mean the thoughtless things they say serious. Mostly because I block every account that comes past my way and is not respectful towards Carlos.

And like I have also said before, I have never seen such a hate post before, but hearing about the (anonym) message you have got gives me chills the worst possible way. This just can't be true, or?! I actually don't even know where to start here..

First of all, it's okay for me to send me anonym asks or requests for fics, but if you have to say something, if you want to tell someone your opinion then for fuck's sake have the damn balls to not send it anonym! I'm pretty sure most of those hate messages people receive are because of the damn anonymity of the internet. First those people are cowards in my eyes and second they really need to see a therapist for just thinking stuff like that, not even mention it to write them down, take their time to send it to someone and overall mean that also serious!

In what a sick world are we actually living to wish someone's (long, painful) death and also let his/her loved ones/family watch him/her dying!? How sick is that?!

Yes, Carlos had said/done some things in the past he shouldn't have and he could have at least apologized for it, but that still doesn't give you the right to wish him stuff like that! He is still only human, like you and me. No one, really no one deserves this!

And the thought that some people would really cheer in front of their TV, if something should ever happen to Carlos makes me really, really sick. Because like you have already said, anonym - stuff like that can happen so easily and quickly in this sport. Carlos or anyone else could really die out there! They could really lose their lives, for real!

I really want to know (no, I actually don't even want to know) what goes through those people's mind, what they are thinking when they write those words down. I mean, how would they feel, if they would read stuff like that about themselves somewhere on the internet from complete strangers (even worse, you don't even know their identity)? (God, I really hope Carlos won't ever have to read those kind of messages) How would they feel about that? What would those words make to them? Don't they see their loved ones/family in front of their inner eyes how they would react, if you would be the one passing away? Are they really so cold and heartless to not ask themselves those questions before sending those messages? Do they really don't think at all before? What's wrong with these people? Have they never received any love in their lives?

To your ask about what you should do - talk, talk about it! Talk with your family, friends or with me about it (also anonymous, it's totally alright if want to stay anonym in this case). Talking about it helps, believe me.

I can also call myself lucky once again, because I have never received such hate messages before (this will probably change after this post..),but if I would get any, I would publish them. Maybe I wouldn't respond anything, but I would want people to know about it, because it's not okay, it's actually the worst thing ever.

And maybe, but only maybe, those people will change their minds if they will read other people's thoughts on their death treats, maybe they will finally be able to understand that such things are unacceptable, that they finally need to educate themselves properly, grow up and finally start to be good.

But if you don't want to publish those messages or read any of their words anymore, you should better really deactivate anonym asks. It's really for your own good and mental health, because I can tell you are suffering a lot because of it.

And if I have understood you right here (God, I really hope I haven't) and you actually know the person who has told you this, then please stop any contact with that person, if he/she doesn't want to understand why this is the worst thing ever. Stay away from those people who aren't good for you and who obviously aren't happy with their own lives. You don't need them. You don't have to listen to their sick thoughts.

But please, don't search the problem by yourself - it's really not your fault at all. You can support/be a fan of whoever you want and there will always be people who disagree with you - which is actually okay - but what these people are doing is more than just sick. It's not your fault that people are like that, their problems are not on you.

I hope I could help you here a little, anonym - but don't ever forget, if things should become too much, please talk with someone about it or take a step back from social media.

And please, also don't ever forget - don't fight hate with hate!

Stay safe, anonym and enjoy the good things in life ❤️

[hiimsociallyawkward]

a servant of two masters

hi friends welcome back to me aimlessly ranting about merlin. up today we have 4.06 and this episode. wow. literally just the title gives me everything i need and i'm absolutley here for the chaos that will ensue. hi bestie @lady-ofmagic-andstars

i love them in their capes

i want a cloak

dude the 'oh it's not gonna happen' and then it happens trope is so dumb but i laugh every time

notice how the knights ripped off their capes

dude people are falling off of horses and out

MERLIN

ok ok but how is he injured. ik this is rated for kids but i really dk how badly merlin is injured. it looks like just his shoulder but he shouldn't be almost dying like his yk?

:,) arthru making jokes

ok but i love arthur taking care of merlin

alskdjflsadk them trying to make jokes to make each other feel better :,)

stop arthur. stop telling the truth merlin's not dying here 😭

bestie vibes only deadass

HAHA

a s s

side note, the site i get my screenshots from- this picture has 61 views while others average maybe like 10-15?? perverts HAHA just kidding

sok i'm actually really curious as to what merlin's injury is

alsdjf;lasdfjsaldfjsaldf merlin making the rocks fall

idk if it's jut the angling but i felt like the enemies were way too close for merlin to create an entire rock barrier. i don't have any screen shot evidence but so you're just going to have to take my word for it

ok but like who even are these men. they were working for morgana trying to capture arthur?

and what's morgana going to do once she has arthur? kill him and take his place on the throne? remember how well that turned out last time she tried that? no one wanted her. idk idk morgana is just confusing as to what she wants

pls die agravaine

haha strangely fond of the boy? there's nothing strange about it

ok i laughed but i also felt bad when morgana splashed merlin awake and flailed around like a fish

dude merlin is so snarky here and i'm HERE for it

ok i like the knights being competent. thank you thank you

and now they're riding back into camelot with their capes on? you're telling me they traced back their steps to find their capes, dusted them off to make sure that they weren't too dirty and didn't have any leaves or branches still sticking to it before riding back to camelot? iconic

poor gaius. ok he's the worst but he does think of merlin as his son and this makes me sad

ok i have a dumb question. do you think merlin understands whenever other magic users are casting spells? ok i feel like this is a dumb question now. but like, is magic a language? are all incantations in a different language, so when other person who knows magic is watching you- they know what you're trying to do and such? i feel like "of course they'd know" but i'm basing that assumption on hp where everyone knows that alohomora is alohomora and where everyone knows that lumos is lumos. but what about here? does merlin know what she's incanting? can he slightly understand it even if he's never seen/done it before? is magic a language like latin, and even if you aren't completely fluent, you and parse together things and make an assumptions?

arthur is just so sad here

i just, i have to have these here

yes bby figure out that we have a traitor

gaius is not slick in the slightest. yes. look at the traitor king

wow morgana being able to bond with the snake? i wonder how

ok question, does the fomorroh have some sort of loyalty to whoever calls them?

✨kill arthur pendragon✨

ok that snake going in his neck is actually scary

pretty castle counter: 5

btw this is actually my zoom background sometimes. it depends from call to call but it changes between this pretty castle and peeta mellark

G E O R G E

ok i've seen all the tumblr posts but it doesn't get less funny. the 'merlin's missing and we can't find him so we're going to replace him with another manservent dressed EXACTLY like merlin so arthur feels better' makes me chuckle every time

i would like to have that for breakfast

i like the loyalty arthur thank you. i love the loyalty pls. i love that they're friends. like, i love the romance but i love just people being friends too

ok this whole scene. arthur wanting to look for merlin because he has to at least try, gwen just wanting arthur to be careful and to come back to her, gwaine being buds. i love all the friendships in this and just yes thank you

ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok i'm not at the hug scene yet but i know it's coming and i'm beyond excited

ok this sound track is so cute.

saldkfj;asldkfjasldkfsd

matching icons for you and your best friends

deadass if someone wants to change their tumblr icons so we can match hmu bc i'm 100% down with that

another pretty castle scene

SASSY MERLIN PLS

ok ik this is dumb to comment on because i feel like it's not tremendously hard to execute but i love the differences that colin made in regular merlin and fomorroh merlin. it's the best

they say it later in the episode but i find it hilarious how bad of an assassin merlin is

dude pls you're pouring poison in front of EVERYONE else?

BOG MAN. ok guys i'm calling you guys bog mans now.

ASLDJFALSDFJS THE JEALOUSY SCENE

i am cringey but laughing at the same time you don't understand why am i this childish

ok but arthur is being so sweet right here. i feel like he's not trying to be showy in front of gwen, i feel like he wants merlin to rest and that's so sweet. he's so patient right here and i love him

i miss the gwen and merlin friendship actually

dude merlin is roasting gaius so hard today

leon geeking out over weapons is so cute. omg he's such a tiny nerd i love him

laskjflasdfj THIS SCENE. this makes up for the stew jokes that i may or may not still be mad about

i love that the knights LITERALLY turn a blind eye it's actually hilarious

LOOK AT MERLIN BEING COMPETENT?? HE'S SO SMART WITH THE ARROW RIGGING THING

it's literally treason leon pls and you're laughing you're the best 😭😭

i wish we had a pervical back story arc

ok i think it's dumb that i laughed when merlin ducked but i stand by that

ok why do i feel bad for arthur a little. he's talking abt some semi-deep stuff. not deep deep but like, he's trying to ask for advice from his friend, his close advisor. he would've never talked to merlin like this is season 1-2 but here he is, talking about trust. and MERLIN is trying to MURDER HIM. yes. i admit it's a little funny when i'm just watching merlin trip over things and such, but when i listen to arthur talking i feel slightly sad

literallly. merlin's passed out on the floor and arthur doesn't even think anything is wrong

gwen's face when she knocked merlin out is so cute

oop. why is arthur standing in agravaine's door way like an absolute robot

cyes arthur. figure him out

i hate agravaine. i just want arthur to be happy. he's only trusting agravaine because agravaine is family.

stfu agravaine 'you're all that's left of my dear sister' SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

ok there's a repeat of the castle from earlier but i'll spare you

pls this bath scene is so awkward. tt not being able to trust anyone anymore and we're laughing at merlin but arthur's talking so sad and deep

pls this bath scene is so awkward. that's all the notes i have

again, i miss gwen and merlin

merlin is MONCHING on those berries. i'm craving berries now

ok but like. yk that pouch that gaius is using to make the forromoh dormant? what if merlin tucked it in his neckerchief as a precaution. i'm just saying.

aslfkjasdaskdjf the tavern

yall why did merlin have to stop his horse to drink the potion

i want the knights to have a cool band name or smth yk what i mean?

i like that merlin is still a little in the camelot red. it's not the same shade but yk what i mean

HAHA LEON AND PERCIVAL BEING PUSHED TOGETHER. I JUST KEPT ON SCREAMING SUBTEXT SUBTEXT

damn morgana wants RESUKTS. i dont blame her

the frist interaction with merlin and morgana in the hut is so awkward. pls.idek how to comment on it

deadass morgana's dress is so pretty.

magic fight! magic fight!

stfu 'rightfully mine' pls

hehe there's a leaf in his hair

ok i feel like i should've commented more on the magic fight but idk bro

so ik that colin was in this whole episode but it really only just now feels like merlin is here and i think that's fun

arthur is the cutest. i'm loving this dynamic you have no idea. i live live live live LIVE off banter. pls

guys i'm sad apparently i can only put 10 pics in a post but pls enjoy this one pic of arthur right here 😭

ok idk abt you but i'd love to hear jokes abt brass

agaragvaine pls die already

YOU'RE SUCH A PERV LITERALLY

GO

AWAY

NOW

dude that last scene was actually really pretty and i'm sad that i can't attach it now

anyways thanks for reading my long ass rambles. but i'll be back next week to the secret sharer i'll catch you on the flip side

[bitchfitch]

A Nice Chat In The Park

[complete]

Cherry trudged with her hood up and her hands shoved into the pockets of her pants. She felt like a traitor just for considering this, but her options were so limited that she really didn't have a choice. 

Haze, the demon that had been terrorizing her city for years now, was sat in his human disguise on a blanket in the local park. Exactly where he was every Wednesday around noon during the off season for the local soccer team. He liked to watch them struggle, and to feel their frustration when he sent them sliding on patches of mud that weren't there a moment before while he waited for his husband's lunch break to roll around.

She sat beside him without saying a word as he snickered after sending two players crashing into each other. Really, now would be a great time to test out the enchanted switch blade he'd given her last Christmas.

"Cherry darling, So nice of you to pay me a visit. Will the rest of The Bed-Fort Club be joining us soon?" he asked with a light voice. Cherry wished she hated Haze as much as the rest of her team, she really should, but he was the only one who called her by the right name. She never even told him it. He just started using it and her knew pronouns the day after she had had her realization without needing to be told them.

No one else knew yet, so she didn't blame them for not using the right name, but something about Haze just going with it without any questions or awful comments made him a bit more ok in her book. 

"No," she huffed, "I needed to ask a for a favor," 

"As your nemesis I think I'm obligated to say no, but I'll still hear you out," he adjusted the sunglasses that hid his coal black eyes from the world before continuing in a slightly less cocky tone, "I have something to ask of you too, so maybe we could make a trade?" 

"Maybe," she swallowed hard and took a deep breath, "I want you to take me prom dress shopping. I have the money I'm just… I just don't want to go alone,"

"You wouldn't want one of your friends to take you?" he sounded genuine, but Cherry still grit her teeth. 

"No, because like, most of my friends are cool, but... remember when you wore that dress to my uncle's party?" 

"Yeah? The blue one right? If you want to borrow it you can you know. No deal needed because I can't exactly wear it again after all the fuss Mr.Denver made over it," he rubbed his face, "Did you know that he tried to get Mr. Hopsworth to fire Aleistar over that? Said I was- you know what? I don't actually feel comfortable repeating what he said to a child," he tried to laugh it off but Cherry could see the tinge of hurt in the way the tips of his barely pointed ears drooped. 

"Yeah, I don't think I could pull that one off. But, uhm, Uncle Jerry wasn't the only one making comments about the whole man in a dress thing. Most of the- please don't take this out on them we were just being stupid and I'm sorry- but, The Bed-fort Club was being just as awful about it." she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to try and feel a little more comfortable after that confession.

Haze sighed, "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry that happened. That must have been so rough for you to have to sit through," his voice was soft as he put a hand on her shoulder to try and comfort her. Cherry hated how nice Haze was sometimes. How in these brief little moments he was more friend than enemy even though he stayed the same demon between them.

"You're not mad?" She didn't like how weak her own voice sounded.

"Not at you or your friends. I've gotten used to that sort of... joking," he shrugfed as pulled his hand away from her, "At least you lot weren't saying it to my or Aleistar's faces. I think that was the biggest fight we've had yet, when he got home after that meeting…" Haze trails off, "But that's the past now. I'll take you dress shopping, no problem," 

Cherry felt a pang of guilt that nearly overshadowed her worry. She remembered how mad her uncle had been, and she remembered being the one to suggest he tried talking to Hopsworth about it. Not to get Aleistar fired, but to make him consider that maybe keeping a demon around wasn't great for him. But now hearing that it might have almost actually worked, she felt her gut twist up with regret.

"And what are you going to ask in return?" she tried to swallow down her guilt, he didn't need to know that that had been her fault.

"Would you consider talking to your friends about leaving Aleistar out of this?" He asked frankly "He's getting older, and his heart isn't great anymore. So I don't want you all stressing him out so much,"

"You care about his heart health?" Cherry had to stop herself from snorting, "Isn't him dying sooner better for you because you'd get his soul faster?"

"Fuck you." Haze didn't stop himself from cussing at her, "Seriously, Fuck you. I'm offering to help you get a stupid dress. Ive been nothing but a good nemesis for you. and I've Never hurt you or anyone you love in the entire time you and your lackies have been chasing me down." The sudden 180 snap in his attitude from where they had been a moment before nearly sent Cherry running.

"You're a demon-" she tried to start justifying her words but he steam rolled on.

"Cherry, you dont fucking get it do you?" he was practically snarling as he stood to loom over her, "You think you have always just been one step behind me right? One step too weak to destroy me for good?"

"What are you-"

"You've never come close. Every time you think you have is because I let you. I could level this city in seconds, I could destroy everything you have ever loved with a snap of my fingers. That's my nature you know? To cause mayhem and suffering," he gestured aroumd them, not really paying attention as the grass he stood on began to wilt.

"And thats why we wont Let you-"

"Shut Up. You and The Bed-Fort Club have Never been what's stopping me from doing that. You've been a fun distraction to play with when I'm bored. Can you fucking Guess who I'm actually stopping myself for?"

"Him, because if you didn't he'd banish you and you wouldn't get his soul," she snapped back, "I know how this works,"

"No, you fucking Don't," he wipes at his eyes, and only then did she realize he'd started to cry behind his sunglasses "Your parents, everyone at that stupid company, everyone who sees Aleistar and I out on a date, they think I just want his money. That I'm just a gold digger. And the thing is? I don’t care, because he knows that I don't need his money,

"But every time you or Sammy, or who ever else who's in the know looks at us, they think I just want his soul. And I'm so fucking scared that one of these days he's going to listen to one of you. That he's going to Believe you over me. And that just like that, the happiest thing that has Ever happened to me will just be Poof! Gone! Sayonara happy house husband life, time to back to Actual Hell," he grit his teeth which had turned to fangs at some point during his rant as his skin tinted a bruise purple and his navy hair fluffed up to look more like his namesake. He crossed his arms and hugged himself tightly as he tried to calm down.

"And you know what Cherry? Had it Ever occurred to you that Maybe, just Maybe, I'm with him because I love him? That I ignore my nature because I just want him to be happy?" He never yelled through his entire rant, but the drop in volume, and the change from rage to desperate hurt in his tone was enough to make her wish he had just been yelling.

Cherry looks up at him in shocked silence for a moment. The only other time she'd seen Haze have any sort of out burst like this was when Aleistar was in the hospital last year and he and Sammy had gotten into a huge fight in the waiting room. 

"That's the truth?" she asked, not really knowing why but also not really knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, and nothing but the truth," He sighed wiping his hands over his face one last time as he forced his disguise back into order, "I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm sorry. I'll just... I'll still take you dress shopping if you want me to, and I would still like it if you could talk to your crew about leaving Aleistar out of this, but I'd understand if you've changed your mind," 

"No, I uh... I think I'd still like you to take me. And, uhm..." she trailed off for a moment, "I'm sorry too, I guess I just never really thought about you and him actually being a couple," 

"Yeah, you and everyone else," he sighed one last time as he pulled out his phone at typed something before pressing send. A moment later Cherry's phone beeped, "There, you have my number now. I'm... I think I'm going to go interrupt whatever Aleistar is doing. Have a nice day and succumb to the forces of evil or whatever," he walked off without giving her time to reply. 

When she checked her messages to set up his contact in her phone she found the one from him, 

"Tell Sammy to stop mailing my husband exorcism books, we're running out of both room and oragami ideas for them

-XOXO Uncle Haze."

She groaned a little at his signature.

[guessimjoiningthespidermanfandom]

Hell and Back Pt.1

Peter Parker x bisexual!reader

Peter Parker x fem!reader

Peter Parker x black!reader

Peter Parker x villain!reader 

Warnings: Language, drug use, mentions of death/the dead, parental neglect, mentions of selling hard drugs, brief mention of drugging, self deprecating thoughts, near death.

Word Count: 4.5k

Songs: Trouble Dont Last Always- Rev Timothy Wright, Violent- carolesdaughter, Feel Better- Penelope Scott, Kids- Current Joys, Never (feat. O_super)- Mag.Lo, Weary- Solange, Sleepwalk (Remastered 2010) Santo & Johnny, Dark Red- Steve Lacy, Glitter- 070 Shake. 

“‘I wish I could be a religious person. They always seem so happy and carefree. To be able to put that much trust into something or someone. I know you were never religious but your family was. My family isn’t really all that religious but they did always feel like prayer could solve all. I’d been praying my whole life and not one had ever been answered. All my family is a bunch of hypocrites and sinners, but hey hate the sin not the sinner right? Ha yeah right.”

A/N: The part two of this chapter should be out soon and there was only two proof reads sorry for any mistakes. 

Series Masterlist     Previous Part    Next Part

October 13th 

‘Dear Rose, This is stupid, this shit is for white people. Wait let me try again.’

I ripped the paper in half. I was trying to do that thing where you write letters to dead people to help you get over their deaths or whatever. I never had a diary and I felt stupid doing this in the first place so it was definitely hard. 

I was sitting in one of the queen-sized beds of the hotel room with an empty college-ruled notebook. I heard Bri and MJ go down to get breakfast, but I pretended to be asleep, I wasn’t hungry.

I’d already ripped three pages out but, I was going to do this, I started it and I wasn’t gonna back out now. 

‘So I don’t really know why I’m doing this but I miss you, like a lot. I cried last night. For like the first in at least 6 months. I don’t know why I felt that was important, but it was relieving. I’m in the fanciest hotel I’ve ever stayed (legally) at right now. You’d like it. It's just a Marriott but it’s pretty big. I don’t know if I believe in heaven (or a God even), but I truly hope you’re there right now. I know I’m probably not going if it is real. If it is I know you and my mom and everyone else is there and I just don’t want earth to be the last time I saw y’all. I just feel ungrateful because I’m not happy. I’m not happy to be where I am right now. I know I’m better off than almost everyone else in Melrose but I didn’t earn my spot. I lied and cheated my way to where I am. 

I remember that one argument we had. The biggest one back when you first started selling. I had the audacity to get mad at you for just trying to provide for your family. Then became everything I despised. I was trying to look back on the “good days”. Which was depressing because looking back at what we thought were goods days were just days that weren’t terrible. 

At least when you were selling you never lost yourself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just feel burnt out. 

Yesterday me and Bri were fooling around in the hotel which was fun so I guess that’s good. I’m tryna stick to the positives of my day. Another good thing was that I found one of Jay’s hoodies in my bag . It’s pretty comfortable. I miss him too. I’m trying not to think about all the people I’ve lost because that list could go on for eternity. I might do this again, I don’t know it doesn’t feel so stupid anymore. I’m burning this note though. I know you always said no one lives forever but why’d you have to go so soon, the good ones always do. If there’s truly life after death tell my mom I love her for me and I love you too.

Sincerely Y/N,’

October 14th 9:03am

‘I wish I could be a religious person. They always seem so happy and carefree. To be able to put that much trust into something or someone. I know you were never religious but your family was. My family isn’t really all that religious but they did always feel like prayer could solve all. I’d been praying my whole life and not one had ever been answered. All my family is a bunch of hypocrites and sinners, but hey hate the sin not the sinner right? Ha yeah right.

I remember Ms. Williams with that stupid  “Shoot for the moon and if you miss at least you’ll be among the stars” poster. It was tacky and we were always making fun of it. I never realized how much it bothered me until now though. I’d say I have selective memory if I have any memories at all,  but that poster is seared into my mind. I think it might be because I felt like it was mocking me because she knew goddamn well none of us were making it out this city. Let alone ever getting anywhere near the stars. Now, I was the closest to the stars and out of everyone who could've been here it was me. The person who deserves it the least.

Sincerely Y/N,’

October 14th 8:57pm

‘I think the reason I’m still doing this letter thing is because I don’t wanna stop missing you because missing you was better than feeling nothing. I don’t truly think I do anymore. Which sounds bad, but I just mean I’ve gone through the grieving process which I guess means, it’s time to let you go. I’ve never actually gone through a full grieving process without someone else dying in the middle of it. I read this thing once about people having favorite people or a favorite person and I think that was you for me. It means you basically can’t function without that person and when they're not around it makes your emotions go crazy. I don’t really want to say goodbye cause I miss the feeling of you in my life, but when it comes down to it I don’t remember it much. So I guess this is the final goodbye. 

Love Y/N, ’

  I was getting really fucking tired of Thorn. I was getting tired of Y/N L/N too. Why couldn’t I just exist. I don’t wanna have to be anyone. I just wanna get high and eat fruit snacks damn. but I could never have what I want could I.

I was sitting under some storage containers in a warehouse with all these old white men working on weapons and shit. Waiting for Vulture to come in. He flew into the warehouse I could almost see the anger, radiating off of him before he stepped out of the wings. He looked oddly familiar, if I hadn’t killed off all my brain cells I probably would have made the connection sooner but it got made and that’s all that matters. 

The Vulture was Liz’s dad. 

This is a fact I could and would be using to my advantage. I pulled out my backup phone and snapped a couple pictures of the people around me as a torn up van pulled up. 

A man hopped out and Liz’s dad immediately started yelling at the man about something. He seemed to think it was funny though. Like he was high on adrenaline or something. I caught the words Avengers. Then something about Shocker and getting fired. I’m guessing the Shocker had the same idea as me to tell his family about his business. He picked up the closest weapon and fired it at the man. He instantly crumbled to the floor in ashes. That was nasty as hell. 

Now these weapons are wayyyy more dangerous than I thought. He stormed out after bestowing another man the title of Shocker. Then it was only me and the guy working on some weird weapon left. I walked over to him and knocked him out. Taking the anti gravity gun with me and some shiny thing I thought looked cool I placed a tracker with a camera and mic on the Vulture suit before leaving. 

That was about two weeks ago. Now, here I was, on the back of the truck of some random company following Vulture around like a lost dog. I should be back at the hotel right now, but I’ve never been known to do what I was supposed to. 

He was talking to someone about a plan to steal more fuel for these weapons. 

I was hiding behind a dumpster and I accidentally hit something on my way to leave. 

I know he saw me. 

Fuck.

I didn’t have time to think I was just running and running. I didn’t even realize I was practically hyperventilating until I made it back to the hotel. I didn’t have the key to my room. I must’ve dropped it somewhere. 

I dropped it because I’m a dumb fuckup who’s gonna get herself and everyone else killed because I could never do anything right. I’d be better off dead. 

I knew Bri and MJ were asleep and I didn’t wanna wake them up. I was sitting by the door trying to keep myself from going into a full blown anxiety attack. I pulled the hood of Jay’s hoodie over my head and pulled my legs up to my chest. 

I think I might’ve drifted off for a second because I opened my eyes and Peter was standing over me looking concerned.

“What?” I asked sitting up. 

“It’s just,” He brought his hand up to his forehead in confusion “Why are you on the floor? Are you okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine, what are you doing up?” 

“I was just walking around,” 

That wasn’t a very clear answer. Suspicious. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? Your eyes are puffy,” 

“I’m fine, probably just allergies,” He hummed like he didn’t believe my answer. 

“You can go back to your room now,” I added since he was still standing there staring at me. 

“You still never answered my question on why you were sitting out here on the floor,” 

I just ignored him and pulled the hood back over my face. 

He slid down on the floor next to me. 

“I’m not leaving until you answer me,” 

I didn’t feel like talking and honestly? I didn’t want him to leave. 

I turned to face him before saying 

“Looks like you’re gonna be here for a while then,” 

I ended up telling him eventually and he offered to let me stay in his room saying Ned wouldn’t mind. I was too tired to decline the offer. 

“Y/N,” I was awakened by Peter shaking my shoulder. 

“Hmm?” I hummed. 

“You gotta get up,” 

I rolled my eyes and pulled the throw blanket back over my head. I would have flipped over but I probably would’ve fell off the couch.  

“Everyone else is already at breakfast c’mon,” 

He pulled the blanket off of me reeling back when he brushed against my skin. 

“Y/N, you’re burning up,” 

“Mhm hm,” I hummed again turning onto my side. 

“I’m being serious Y/N get up,” 

“Ugh, fine” I exclaimed sitting up. 

“Do you feel sick?” He asked, touching my forehead again.

“I feel fine,” I said pushing his hand away. “Thank you for letting me stay here but, you seriously need to learn to stop being so repetitive,” 

I went downstairs where everyone else was eating breakfast and let MJ and Bri know I was okay. 

Now it’s really fucking stupid to smoke pre-rolls if you don’t want to be drugged but last night when I was watching out for Vulture someone offered them to me. Perks of pretty privilege I guess. MJ was all of my impulse control and she wasn’t with me so I smoked it. 

And when I tell you this shit was strong I mean it was strong. I have a high tolerance when it comes to weed because I smoke a lot but this hit hard. Surprised I wasn’t shaking. Maybe I was. 

Normally you don’t get full body highs from smoking. It’s usually edibles that do that but this wow. Couldn’t tell if this was Indica or Sativa. I thought it was Indica at first but I had too much energy for that. Maybe it was a hybrid if so, that’d explain the fog over my brain. 

I wasn’t thinking clearly I knew I shouldn’t get any closer to Peter than I already was, but I was bored. 

Now we were on top of some middle school jumping the roofs. I'm pretty sure he was only here because he wanted to keep tabs on me since he found me on the verge of a panic attack last night and currently thinks I’m sick. 

“Are you sure this is safe?” He asked.

“Yes it’s safe, don’t be a pussy,” I rolled my eyes “Besides I do it all the time,”

“So you go to D.C and jump to different roofs of a middle school all the time?”

“You know what I meant smartass,” I elbowed him lightly and he laughed. 

I laid on my back and shortly after he joined me. 

“How do they get shirts so soft,” 

“What?”

“I said how do they get shirts so soft,” I sat up. 

“I don’t know probably lots of thr-” 

“C’mon let’s go down there,” I interrupted pointing at the building before hopping down. Running through the mall looking through almost every store I’d spent about $1,000 just shopping for everyone who came to mind. Eventually I walked into Zumiez with Peter trailing behind me. I was looking at the hoodies by the skateboard rack. 

“I always wanted a skateboard as a kid,” He said coming up behind me. 

“Pick one,” I nodded my head towards the rack of decks. “I’ll get it for you,” 

“ I can’t let you do that,” He said. 

“No, I insist,” I laughed at my word choice “That’s a fancy word” I laughed and he laughed too “No but for real, pick a deck and I’ll buy it for you,” He shook his head “I’m not leaving until you do,” I turned his words from the earlier night onto him.

“Fine,” he sighed walking back over to the shelf. 

After picking the rest of the accessories for the board he said. 

“I still have no idea how to ride it,” 

And with me still not thinking I said

“Ok then I’ll teach you,”

We headed back out the mall but not before I got a diamond chain because why the hell not. We were about to get on a train to head back until I interjected. 

“Wait,” I grabbed his arm. “Come with me,” 

“Are you sure this is safe?” He asked as we sat under the bridge that the train runs over. 

I laughed at his nervousness. 

“I do this all the time and I'm still here, aren’t I? Don’t be a pussy,” 

Waiting for the next train coming over I put on a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. Weary by Solange. I didn’t realize I was singing along until he complimented my voice.

“You should sing more often, you have a really nice voice.” 

“Shh” I hushed feeling my heats heating up at the compliment. Soon I felt the train coming “Just live,” 

I leaned back on my elbows and closed my eyes. I guess this was some form of therapy. The rumbling of the tracks traveled through my body. It would’ve been loud but I’ve picked up the ability to block out noises I don’t want to hear on command. After the train passed the sun was already setting. I figure I might as well get food. This would classify as the first real meal I’ve eaten in awhile. I’ve heard of people not being able to eat unless high which I never thought would or could happen to me. Right next to the restaurant we ate at. There was a 7/11. I’m not sure how many people know this but almost every night shift employee at 7/11 is a plug.

“Can you hold my bags real quick?” I asked.

He nodded so I let him know I’d be back quickly and I had to go to the bathroom 

I did not.

The employee I ran into proved my earlier statement.

He had about 10 mg of adderall and some xans. I wasn’t really planning on taking the xans, maybe I’d just sell them. I went back and forth adderall because it’d enhance my brain function instead of actually producing a high. I got two slushies and some other bottled soft 

drinks. 

 I put the key up to the door then slowly opened it. They were on the couch and looked up at me when they heard the door open. If I knew they weren’t gonna be mad at me for just leaving and not telling anyone, I’d actually be happy because Bri was getting along with my friends. 

“So where’d you go?” MJ asked.

“I just went out mom,”  I replied, sitting on the dresser by the door. 

“Well you clearly went shopping,” Bri said. 

“Yeah and?” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry I had a babysitter,” I rolled my eyes again. “You know you can come in right?” I referred to Peter who was still standing by the door.

He moved in, still not moving any farther than the bathroom door. I moved to close the door behind him before sitting on the bed closest to me.

She moved closer to me and looked into my face. 

“Are you high right now?” She asked gazing into my eyes.

“Really?” I asked incredulously “No I’m not, and fuck you, now I’m not gonna give you your shit,” 

“No! I’m sorry,” She said and I rolled my eyes, a smile cracking onto my face “What’d you get me?” She made grabby hands at the bags. 

I handed her the one from Hot Topic. 

“There’s a whole buncha stuff in there but…” I reached into the bag and took out the socks with weed plants on them. “These,” I held them up to her. “These are mine,” 

“Alright weirdo,” she said looking through the bag. I went to go over to MJ but Bri grabbed my arm. 

“Hey where are you getting the money for this?” She asked in a hushed voice.

“Don’t worry about it,” I waved her off. 

I got MJ at least 7 books from a series she was reading and Peter said he had to go back to his room. 

I was watching a movie on Bri’s phone while MJ started reading her book. 

We heard a knock on the door.

I gave Bri a look that said I’ll get it. Then pushed off the bed. It was Liz.

“Hi,” 

“Hey,” 

“Me and some other kids are going to go down to the pool, so we were wondering if you wanna come?” 

“Yeah just gimme a second I’ll be down,” 

I ended up convincing Bri to come with me because I didn’t want it to be awkward. 

It was nice. The pool I mean. There was a slight breeze and pretty much the whole team was there. Minus MJ, Ned, and Peter. 

I didn’t really think about getting my hair wet. People were playing games toward the end of the pool. Bri was halfway in and halfway out on her phone. 

I was floating on my back. It was as if I was drifting down a long river with my eyes closed. The breeze over my body pushing me along. There was a heavy weight on my back that had been building since birth, but the water took a hold of that weight for me. 

I just lied there on my back floating and breathing. 

Things were peaceful at the pool. They however were not back at the room. 

I could not sleep. Believe me I tried. I looked through my bag with “everything” I brought. It wasn’t much since I hadn’t been home in a long time. However I did pack that cart I had in class a while back.

I was scrolling through Tiktok and remembered it was still next to me. I made a tiktok to that one audio with the whistles where you ghost the vapors on each whistle  because I thought it looked cool and I can do whatever I want on my account.

 I don’t know how long it’d be but I finally felt my eyes fall shut for the night.

When I woke up it was weird because I was already at the decathlon. I’d already been working on whatever problem it was that’d we’d gotten, but I didn’t need to because MJ had already gotten us the answer and we’d won. 

I should’ve been more excited. 

 Why wasn’t I excited? 

You couldn’t tell I wasn’t as happy as I made myself seem. I had become quite the little actress over the years and by actress I meant liar, I’m really good at lying. 

I didn’t realize Peter was missing until we’d gotten on the bus to go to the Washington Monument. 

“Hey,” MJ waved her hand in my face “You okay? You’re doing that thing where you scratch your inner arm, and you only do that when somethings on your mind.” 

She placed her hand on mine to stop me 

“So what’s up?” 

“Nothing much like you said just thinking,” 

“About?” 

“Everything,” I didn’t want to tell her what I was really thinking about because things would get real awkward real quick. 

MJ just wouldn't drop it though.

“There’s clearly something bothering you so just tell me what it is you can tell me anything,”

“I just told you,” I sighed. 

“Tell me what you’re really thinking about,” 

“Death,” I looked at her, who looked back at me, “There, you happy with your answer now?” 

“No,” She said and I looked at her knowing it was a look of exasperation. “Who’s death?” She asked.

“Mine,” 

“What about your death?” 

“Just wondering if it’d be painful,” 

“Oh,” 

“Yeah,” 

When we pulled up Bri was standing by MJ, she didn’t want to go into the tower because of it being built by slaves. I understood that I didn’t really want to go either but my feet were moving on their own accord. 

I could’ve fallen asleep right then and there on that elevator. It was if my brain was checking in and out all day. 

I might've. I don’t know. The rip off police officer was saying something but it all sounded like gibberish to me. 

I closed my eyes and leaned on Liz’s shoulder. She patted my head and went back to whatever she was doing. Then there was an audible snap.

Followed by a jerk of the elevator.

My shot open and I looked up at the ceiling and there was a circle of singed metal.

“We’re all gonna die here,” The kid who I believe's name is Abe claimed. 

And for my sake I pretended I didn’t hear him. 

Everyone staring up at the ceiling, another student said.

“We’re freaking screwed,” 

To think I was just thinking about death less than an hour ago and here I was about to taste the sweet kiss of it. 

“I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working,” The police officer said. 

Yeah fucking right that’s what they all say. They just didn’t want us to panic but that’s exactly what I was doing. Panicking. 

“We are very safe in here,” she added. That's what they say seconds before everyone dies. 

The trap door above the elevator opened and everyone began to move again. I could feel the elevator shaking again. No way was I gonna move and risk snapping the cords. 

I was gonna die here. 

Most of the team had gotten out already. Then it was Flash’s turn and he just had to put the fucking trophy up with the rest of everyone. The elevator fell farther as he got out. I wanted to move but I couldn’t. My brain power wasn’t stronger than my muscles. I couldn’t will them to do what I needed them to. 

Something hit the ground above us and the elevator was free falling. 

It stopped second after we were launched to the ground then low and behold Spider-man 

I swear it was like he was stalking me. I’d be kinda freaked out if I didn’t know he was Peter.

When he spoke it was in a very poor accent. 

He was telling Ned not to move because he was shaking the elevator. 

He pulled the metal death box up to the doors and Mr. Harrington, Ned, then Liz got out. 

Spider-man or “Peter” said something but I couldn’t make out what exactly I was still trying to process everything. 

Then the elevator was falling, I reached out towards Spiderman but wasn’t close enough to reach him. 

A web caught my arm but I was still hanging.

Until I wasn’t. My feet were planted on the ground but my brain was moving too fast for me to keep up. 

“Y/N?” My shoulder was being shaken.

“Yeah huh?” I said trying to locate and place an identity to the voice it was Bri. 

“I was asking you if you needed a ride home,” 

Oh yeah she didn't know. 

“Uh I don’t know maybe,” 

“Alright…” She said turning back over to whoever she was talking to this time. 

Since I was the one to almost fall they wanted to check me out in one of the ambulances. 

Which I do not trust at all.

The whole medical field is a giant scam so is insurance, ask MJ she’ll tell you. 

Once we’d gotten back to the school. Everyone’s parents were all freaking out over them and asking if they were okay. Majority of everyone had already left. Peter had his Aunt. MJ had her parents. Ned has his dad. Bri had her dad. Everyone has someone.

Well almost everyone. 

Flash was still waiting too. With Mr. Harrington off in the distance. 

Then there were two 

I moved over and sat down on the curb next to him.  

“You got no one either huh?” I asked.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Fair enough. The hostility was understandable. I did punch him in the face less than a week ago.  

I kept talking though.

“My dad never picks me up from anything either. “ I didn’t really want him to but he could’ve at least asked while I was still living at that apartment and now he expects me to come back like it’s nothing. 

A car pulled up and some random white guy who was probably a chauffeur picked up Flash. 

Then there was one 

I wanted to go home but I had no home.

I guess I had one home in the cemetery. Everyone I love leaves me. That’s something I learned over the years. It applies to many and the sooner you learn that the easier life will be for you. I hadn’t been back here in the longest. I’d normally just show up and clean the graves of the people who I’d known closely. 

This was embarrassing but sometimes I’d talk to my mom. Today was one of those days I sent. I stayed talking to my mom and Rose so much for stopping the letters which I did for way longer than I thought I would. 

I was already in my old neighborhood and before I knew it I was at my “house”.

I really didn’t mean to come home. I just did before I could stop myself.

Taglist: 

@tomdiddlyumptious

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Not again...

The car didn't even had stopped, and Chisaki already had burst the door and started to run the faster he could manage towards the place Mimic had trackened.

"Overhaul they say they are in a building!" Chrono shouted as he loaded his gun in the middle of his running while Mimic tried to mantain his balance on Rappa's shoulders while he followed his boss.

Chisaki didn't shouted back a response, legs hurting already from how much force and speed he was putting on himself to reach that cursed place.

~

"Kai!" He lifted his gaze from his papers only to smirk at seing you pouting on the door frame "Is been like hours you're there!"

"How pleasing it is to know that you've been tracking time to tell me this dearest." He sighed sarcastically before deciding to put a end on his work for today.

The way you smiled bringed the warmth he missed and didn't even knew he needed after all of his years of... coldness and loneliness.

"Well, I don't want you passing out on your desk like the other ti-"

"I thought we weren't going to talk anymore about this." He growled in embarrassment, making you laugh immediately.

The worst is that he wasn't embarrassed by sleeping on his desk accidentally, but actually flustered at remembering the way you had appeared and left a kiss on his forehead, making him let out a 'I love you' without even thinking.

After you stopped laughing he only scoffed, eyes growing worried while his gloved hand went to your cheek to stroke lovingly and carefully.

"Any better?" Your face immediately fell, the one bright with laughter turned into a sad and hopeless smile.

"Y'know..." You sighed, bringing your own hand to his to hold right against your cheek for a bit longer "I am already used to it."

He glared and grabbed your wrist with his free hand, squezing a bit.

"But I am certainly not." He growled, while you still remained with that lost of hope expression while you sighed.

"Is just... life Kai. We don't choose those things."

He brought you to his chest as he crushed you on a hug, holding your scalp and waist on his firm grip as he glared daggers at the ground.

He was working to find a cure. He couldn't just take this. Why such a beautiful and pure soul like yourself have to had this curse?

The experiments were still being done. He couldn't use you to test, if something went wrong he wouldn't forgive himself.

He was first going to tell Pops about it, the moment the real bullets come out... you would be cured.

~

His lungs hurted from the way he breathed in and out desperately.

His commurates, woth certain difficulty, followed him. The group stopping by a building as he finally got his breath back.

Yet he didn't spared a second before taking his glove out and placing it on the building... onpy to see that his quirl wasn't working.

"A fucking barrier. They plannned this Overhaul." Chrono cursed under his breath.

Chisaki punched with all his force the wall... surprisingly making it crack.

"DAMMIT!" He shouted at the tops of his lungs, making the three man widen their eyes at seing the anger and force on only that scream that even scared the birds from the florest away.

~

"Dont you know the meaning of the word 'wait' woman?!" He shouted right behind you, growling in defeat at again failing on grabbing on your hand and forearm.

You giggled at his irritated and annoyed expression as you continued running.

"Maybe if you didn't depend it on your quirk so much you would be able to- SHIT!" you accidentally tripped on your own foot and prepared for the impact... only to feel a pair of those strong arms you absolutely loved around you, preventing your fall.

"You see, this is called karma, brat." He pinched your cheek rather painfully, making you whine in protest. "What if you got hurt huh? You could have gotten a bruised knee or arm, allowing some filth germs and bacterias to enter."

"Dramaaaaatic!" You singed in mockeness before yelping a bit at the discret pinch on your butt before he lifted you guys up.

He only arched a dissaproving eyebrow at you when you smiled back a him... The sun even seemed to make you shine even brighter.

"You know that I always will come back to you, even if hell itself tries to tear me away." You chirped with a smile, making his frown go deeper.

He absolutely despised the double sense on that sentence...

~

In less than minutes Rikiya appeared and aling with Rappa, both had breaked the wall, Chisaki jumped through the rest of the broken concrete before looking around with wide and hateful eyes.

"(Y/N)!" he shouted, coughing a bit at sieng how dirty this place was, but his mysophobia was weak compared to his wish of getting you back "(Y/N)!" He shouted again.

"Nothing in here!" He heard Chrono and Mimic's yells from behind him as he scowled even more, hives appearing in huge amount on his skin.

"LOOK FOR HER!" He commanded as he runned through that rather giant place, apparently it was once one of those basements of farms things or similiar, due to the big constructure and the akount of open and broken rooms.

He went to shout your name again before he froze.. seing the villain who had announced your kidnapping... in front of a stabbed and bruised... you.

"Where's that yakusa of yours now huh? No where right?" He say it sadistically while he wiped his knife on his clothing.

Chisaki almost throwed himself on that bastard, but he mrely gave him a punch so hard on his jaw from behind that even heard the cracking and sended the man towards the wall.

No no NO NO GOD PLEASE NO-!

"Don't... worry..." you said between choked breaths, eyes teared but yet so relieved at seing gim in your front, wide and watery golden eyes staring at you as he tried to heal you back with his quirk... but didn't work it.

It never did...

"Angel please hang on I-" he said desperately but choked back a sob as he felt your hand cupping his cheek lovingly.

"Stop this... we will see each.. o-other soon... remember..?" He clenched his jaw tightly under his plague mask, holding your hand that was becoming colder and colder each second that passes.

Not again... not again!

~

25... twenty five times he saw that happening again and again.

He hated your quirk more than heroes themselfes... Evertime some accident happened, even the minors ones... you would die. No matter the quirk or someone that tried to stop it... you would always die.

25 times he saw the love of his life dying in front of his eyes... and returning it back for a few days as the form as a child... with no memories until you recuperated them.

Sometimes it took weeks for you to regain your memories... and when you did, it took at least three days for you to come back to your original form.

"Chisaki!" Your childish voice ranged and he forced himself to smile a bit, seing you unharmed was a at least the good part...

He crouched down with a sigh, accepting the small sakura flower you had handed it to him.

Normally he would keep himself far away from a child... he didn't felt comfortable neither happy being near them... Eri was a pure example of that.

Yet, he couldn't bring himself to despise the little girl that was his lover, blushed cheeks and a pure smile on her lips as she giggled in embarrassment and glee at seing that he had accepted her gift... even despite knowing his... not liking of touching.

Though how on earth he could be repulsed by you? He only found out what it meant to be happy and... loved because you teached him, because you showed him...

He also noticed that comparing from the first times you were in this form, right now you were way more comfortable with him... just like him.

But god, how difficult it was for to pretend to not be disgusted or consumed by hate at you having such a cruel quirk. Allowing you to die many times and returning it back...

You turned around to pick more flowers before you stopped... completely frozen in your place.

"Something wrong brat?" He sighed in false annoyance, before his breath caught on his throat when he saw the look you gave to him right after.

Hopeless... sad and hopeless look.

"It happened again, didn't it?" Your child like voice manifested in pure sadness as he felt his eyes burning.

Those bullets. He needed them. His angel needed them badly.

"Yes..." he sighed in defeat, letting the flower of sakura fall from his gloved hand before he felt your tiny arms circle around his neck "It was my fault angel..." he lifted you up and clinged your small form to him "Im so-"

"You weren't responsible for that building falling Kai. Stop blamming yourself." You frowned more seing the hives slowly appearing on the side of his neck.

"I swear on my grave. I am making a cure for you, just you wait. You will be free from your sickness my angel. I promise."

You giggled bitterly, clearly not believing his words.

He was. You weren't going to suffer anymore... he promised.

~

He felt the hives appearing in a hige amount of quantity as he brought your cold body to his, letting his tears drip down form his face to your chest as he rested your head on his shoulder and squezzed your body to his... not caring about the blood coaxing his clothes.

"Not again..!" He sobbed, holding your body with one strong arm while the other was subsconciously touching the ground as he holded your legs on his forearm.

His chest hurted, his skin was burning hot and he somehow catched the voices of his commurates and the fucker who had just done this.

"Overhaul!" Chrono shouted, noticing the small bits of concrete starting to float around his childhood friend k eeling on the ground with his dead lover.

"NOT AGAIN!" he let out a bloody, long and loud shout that everyone on that room swore every person on Japan had hearded it... the building started to crack and broke in many pieces forming sharp spikes going into all directions while plataforms formed. Chisaki's quirk was absolutely out of control, yet some spikes of metal had pierced the villain's chest, blood spreading through the room as Chisaki's shout only continued.

"EVeRYOnE OuT oF ThE FuCkInG BUilDinG NoW We RE GonNa FuCkIng DIe!" Mimic sgouted as Rappa and Rikiya quickly made their way out as Chrono tried to get closer to you and Chisaki.

"CHISAKI-!" He cursed out loud when more spikes and ataforms formed, not having any more choices than getting out of the crashing building before he got injured.

The mans got out of the that place intacted... Overhaul's hatred and painful shout only coming to an end when the building was completly destroyed.

"Is Overjerk still alive after that?!" Rappa shouted before getting punched by a very angry Mimic.

Chrono widened his eyes and took of his mask in respect and sorrow at seing the scene he saw his friend going through many times as Mimic only muttered a lainful curse in sympathy.

Chisaki, blood dripping down from the right side of his face, walking slowly out of the scrubs with heart broken eyes but hateful gaze as he stared at the ground... on his arms he carried a little sleeping girl, that seemed to have 4 years at maximun by her appearance, enveloped by his oconic green jacket.

Only Pops, Mimic and Chrono knew about your quirk... so when Rikiya and Rappa saw the badass and cruel boss of them holding a child ok his arms was slightly shocking.

"Boss what is-" Chisaki passed thorugh them without a word, walking numbly towards the car, Chrono noticing how he tighten his grip on the little one as his eyes darkened a bit.

"What the hell is Overhaul doing with a brat?" Rappa mumbled more in disbelief than shock.

"Is his chick's quirk. Can't exactly die." Mimic muttered.

"The more (Y/n) dies, the longer it takes for her to recover her memories of Overhaul and goes back to her original form..." Chrono completed, following Chisaki but giving him his privacy and distance.

He knew that the moment the first bullet came out, Chisaki at this point was going to force that thing into your system... after all, you were indeed one of the few persons he cared for more than anything.

His plan was for to retribuit Pops and free you from your curse after all.

[mousehole5000]

the rest... of... book 4..... through chapter 225

i sad.

“He was lying to himself and lying to others! All nothing but deceit! No matter what, it was impossible to pretend nothing had ever happened, and it was impossible to return to before!!!” - i know :(

“Before Feng Xin went, he was afraid. Now that Feng Xin had gone, he wasn’t scared any longer. But, even though he wasn’t afraid anymore, he was in deeper agony.” - ah yes. being afraid of your friends leaving so you do things to drive them away so you can have something to point to and say that you were the one who made the choice and you dont have to fear it anymore. except that has never once worked out ever and turns out losing people just means you lost them and it still hurts. not that i would know or anything.....

“He saw upon the table there were a few plates of horrid-looking dishes that were now cold. They were what he made the queen take away without eating a single bite the night before. Now, he pulled them over absent-mindedly, and ate everything, not daring to leave behind a single leaf, afraid to miss a single grain of rice. After he ate he started puking.” - this broke me and the bad cooking isnt funny anymore :(

all this happens after they have money again. no further commentary on this chapter

i know for a lot of book 3 i just wanted hua cheng to go away but now i would give anything for wuming to come and interrupt these interactions with white no-face

“Lang Ying, a brute commoner, led an army and destroyed Xianle. With the aura of the king enveloping his body, ordinary evil wouldn’t be able to come close to his person. However, at this moment, what Xie Lian brought with him were millions of souls of those who died on the battlefield!” - interesting to think about this story from lang ying’s point of view. the bit about his wife and child... oh my god... the things we carry with us...

“Will it really be alright to leave him like this? How about, I give him a cup of water?” - cup of water motif is back... ouch

“One person. Just one. Really. Just one person was enough!” - for like 20 minutes after reading this i really was just sitting here thinking about every time a stranger did me a small a kindness and the times i did the same it just made me cry harder i love people and they really can be awful and choose to be cold and cruel but it means that when they choose to be kind..... it doesnt negate the cruelty but its still indescribable.. and being able to see that and remember that even after all the pain..... 

ugh still just thinking about the times ive gone through something that changed me and having the cold numb fear that i would never be the same as i was before that i would lose some precious part of me forever and wondering if this would be the thing that finally did it... i dont know if ive ever actually experienced a piece of media that really make me think about that tbh

“Stop thinking so highly of yourself! I don’t need you to teach me anything, I can learn on my own. If you represent heaven’s will, then something like heaven’s will should be destroyed!” - why is defying the heavens so sexy.... keep it up (edit after white no-face identity reveal: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!)

the fact that xie lian went through what he did and got nothing out of it and in fact lost everything he had left due to the trauma,,,,, but just one person is enough for him to willingly offer to do it again, even if all he could save is one person,,,,,, crying again.... and who it is who takes it all on instead... ok...

“After all, everyone knew that Mu Qing ascended because he cleaned up all the remaining stubborn resentful spirits in the old capital of Xianle, so to understand it as “generous and kind” wasn’t unreasonable. In any case, everyone in the old capital of Xianle were all very grateful for him.” - its not unreasonable at all!!! this boy picks cherries for his mom and the neighborhood kids leave him alone

“Shaking his head, Xie Lian contemplated, then he ladled two large bowls of rice, one offered inside the Temple of Ju Yang, the other inside the Temple of Xuan Zhen. Finally, feeling that everything served its purpose, he clapped his hands close, completely satisfied.” - please i just want them to be friends again

ruoye........ xie lian bidding farewell to the tiny red flower.... ok i feel a totally normal amount about all these things

book 5 time!!!

xie lian king of taking a third option.. no one dies in the kiln at all we’re just leaving bitch

“Xie Lian didn’t know why he had to use his hands to cup Hua Cheng’s cheeks, but he did so subconsciously, probably so he could comfort him, but also because Xie Lian was afraid Hua Cheng’s face would be frostbitten by the snowstorm.” - gay people.....

“This giant stone divine statue must’ve been sculpted when Hua Cheng was trapped inside the Kiln, when he was severely beaten down and in intense suffering.” - ohhhh my god. okay. okay. look. i get it....

“The divine statue obeyed his command and took off with a gigantic, wide step, going along with the rolling current of snow. One slide was several miles, and the snow waves it created crashed around its body. Because both its arms were open, even though it was a body of a million tons, it still maintained good balance.” - HELL YEAH!! HELL YEAH LETS FUCKING GO LETS GOOOOO

the statue that requires transfers of spiritual energy... statue of make you kiss me i see how it is.....

“Hearing this, Hua Cheng raised his brows, his expression seeming to say, please have them beat each other to death, that’d be great.” - when you dont like your SO’s friends and they dont like you

“With a sharp sword in hand, Xie Lian was like a tiger with wings added, his might increasing exponentially, and he struck out!” - YES!!! GET EM!!!!

“No one could blame him for not knowing what was going on. Perhaps, he was confused the entire way: Why was he beaten? Why was he buried inside a wall? Why was he turned into a daruma doll? And why did he have to turn into a sword, too? There was not a single point where he’d figured out what was happening.” its okay qyz its okay i know honey me too

HELLO?? SQX IS BACK???? omg what a development omg omg okay okay interesting... okay so shi wudu would have rather died than lose everything but shi qingxuan is still trucking

“Hua Cheng responded lazily, “Oh? So you mean to say, beggars can’t save the world? Is it because they don’t have the ability to, or because they’re not worthy?” - KING okay i know this is a motivational tactic but also... who was it who took on all the souls for the human face disease and did in fact save the world back then hmmm?

absolutely enthralled by the fact that in chapter 207 we find out that the guoshi is in fact just. still here. and the name of the chapter is "Seeking Affection; Ghost King Fakes Displeasure” which i mean that happens too but fjasdlkfajsld

bruh okay. okay. okay. everything is happening okay. okay. chaos in the heavens okay. ling wen is still invited to kiss me on the mouth tho idc

“Indeed Yin Yu didn’t have enough confidence, and said weakly, “Chengzhu has shown me grace, he saved me…” “I know,” Jun Wu said. “He even helped you pacify and send off the resentful spirit of Jian Yu, who died during banishment, am I right?” - awww im glad they resolved that bit that whole situation was awful also give me the forbidden hua cheng ghost king lore...

“Yin Yu finally couldn’t take it anymore. He clenched his fists tight, his knuckles cracking, and he whipped around. “I DO RESENT HIM! I DO HATE HIM!!! BUT, SO WHAT??” - yin yu kiss me on the mouth right now

“Xie Lian hugged him. “It’s alright, it’s alright. These are all small matters, really. Your Highness Yin Yu, just live in this world for another few hundred years and you’ll know that none of that really matters. Either driven to madness or really wishing someone would die, whichever. Who in the world has never had such thoughts? I’ve even thought of massacring all in the world who had wronged me, it’s true, and no lie, I’d almost done it. But look at me, haven’t I shamelessly lived until now? You haven’t actually done anything in the end, and that’s the most important thing.” - he’s right im crying again

“But…in the end, I…still think…it’s so unfair,” Yin Yu sobbed. “If I was already destined to be no one remarkable, then at the very least, I…wanted to be a kind and perfect person. But…I couldn’t even do that. It’s really…so unfair. And truth to be told, even in this moment, just thinking that I’m dying for Yizhen, this little dummy, I still can’t get over it. I can’t even let go and die with a heart with no resentment and no regrets, what is that.” - YIN YU YOU CANT DIE NOOOOOOO youre the only man in this whole book i would kiss why does this always happen im actually really sad ;_;

“If the Rain Master was killed directly, and a better heavenly official couldn’t be found to replace her, the people put food above all else; if agriculture isn’t running smoothly, the world will be thrown into chaos. You don’t let people eat, people won’t give you a job. Besides being displeased with the Rain Master, the people of the world might also begin to be dissatisfied with the great god above Rain Master’s head. Which means, if he isn’t careful, the fire can burn all the way onto him. If things aren’t controlled adequately, it might incur riots to topple gods.” - rain master my friend rain master... also yes!!!!! food production!!!! critical!!!!!!! theres a lot you can get by without but food is not one of them!!!!!

“Feng Xin was Xie Lian’s servant, his good friend, but not his slave. He could’ve built his own home, had his own family. And he had actually already met those people, but the encounter just had to be during Xie Lian’s first banishment, the toughest days they suffered back then.” i am very sad about all of this

hua cheng in the palace of ling wen looking for the brocade immortal while the heavens are in complete chaos as the world turns on its head and STILL taking the time to beg for kisses is making me lose it fjalkdfjlsd

oh my god the guoshi and the cards thing..... hmmmm

delighted that mount tong’lu has such great significance beyond just being the kiln or whatever

hmmm crown prince of wuyong... its truly sad... but dude.....

the way that the heavenly capital is literally built out of previous gods... wow

the outright attempt to continue to cycle of trauma that failed simply bc 1. xie lian is his own person and 2. xie lian recieved kindness and gave it back to the world even to the people who refused to help him im ;_;

the absolute mess of xuan ji/rong guang/pei su/banyue/ke mo going down in the palace of ming guang... entertainment

okay i think im to a point where i dont have any possible spoiler knowledge in my brain about what happens next (only thing i have is theres a joke about he xuan eating that i dont understand yet and i think we might get like an emily corpse bride moment but if we do i dont know why) but oh my god things have escalated

[princelestatdelioncourt]

*fanfict*

“Why the hell should I go down and meet him?” I protested

You know the story. I will explain what happened in between the lines.

I finally went and met the draper and his son. The actual story never said what it was felt but the basics of meeting and receiving these gifts for my good job killing wolves. At least I was compensated and given thanks for something I’ve done. For once.

My brothers were annoying on if I really killed all these wolves by myself and it was not an imaginary thing I have created in my mind and I lied to them for attention, you know Augustin’s reaction. Them thinking instead it was only that wolf I have carried back home. But at least the Villagers found the dead scene, the horse, my dogs and the wolves. So yes its was all true.

And now my brothers saw that instant connection with Nicolas. They became more annoying. Gods know when it was the last time I saw Nicolas. I was maybe, 10? I Cant even remember. He was sent to study to Paris, they had money for that. I was barely no much around the Village but when I needed to go. So I wasn't sure when he departed to Paris. I spend most of the time at the castle and later on in the mountains, hunting, my own happiness.

And so now Nicolas was back. I could remember very briefly our childhood days when we were 5 or 6. That bitter kid. Now he was looking splendid.

The sun shone on his back, it even seemed he had his own light all around him. His silhouette. He approached to me offering me the gifts and his voice was soft and captivating. Yes, I could remember him now. I looked down at the cloak and boots. Just so magnificent and gorgeous items. So soft. How could something  was alive, just weeks ago, then I killed them and now I could wear it. Is like the Medieval Times, kill they prey and wear his fur, Kill the enemy and carry his head.

I looked up, into his eyes when he was giving me the respectfully thanks, like these rich Parisians do, I just found it stupid but I thought that he either acted or he was actually that polite. I wasn't paying attention to what he said as I was submerged on my thoughts. I never knew how to thank properly as I was never given any gifts. I just looked into his eyes, so dark and so deep while he continued talking. His voice was like a soft faded song on the background. He shone, he was beautiful dressed but I also saw in him something that was familiar to me, in his eyes. Something that I knew of as well. I could see his handsome smile but I could see sadness or frustration in his eyes. It was like a self reflection of myself. Different but similar.

I ignored or tried to ignore these thoughts about him. Perhaps it was just me and my own misery receiving these gifts and his perfect outfit something that I knew I would never have. I knew that now, I would feel more alone, becasue of the wolves and now if I would wear this beautiful cloak. Surely I was in love with that cloak and boots, I never had garments like this before. But I was happy,  that I saw him again as well.

And as always, that happiness once again faded when my mother told me she was dying. Like a cold ice shower over me. I froze. I could not think, I could not act, I could not imagine but I imagined the horror that was coming my way. To have to be there when she will be on her last minutes, to listen and see her pain...unbearable. It drove me insane and mad. Mad why her. Why she had now to suffer this after all these years trapped in misery like me. WHY! Why not them, why not someone else who deserve its, Not her. I was angry with hr why she now will have to leave me that way and for her suffering, I was angry to my father for making her life miserable and mine as well, I was angry at my brothers, I was angry at the Castle, I was angry to every thing that surrounded me. I had these nightmares, killing one after another, every night, gone, and she shone, alive, young, beautiful, I saved her, They were dead and she was alive and beautiful and then she was gone, gone, gone...Mother... dont leave me...I love you...Mother...

I have stayed in my room for a week with these thoughts in my mind and these  nightmares that awoke me with despair. I wanted to be alone, to cry in silence, to think and not to think, to drink until I could not handle anymore, to run away without going anywhere, to hunt and kill whatever crossed my path...I was furious with everything... I had my dogs and they gave me some peace and company. New adult dogs I adopted days after the wolf battle when I was able to handle to have dogs. So I was able to go hunting again. Not even the servers talked to me, neither I wanted to talk to them.  All that time I was in my room, after the battle and now this about my mother, we only ate vegetables and broth. Cheese. Bread. No one, was capable to go hunting but me. So basically we starved. I wasn't hungry anyways. I had too much in my mind. I didn't care about food.

The red cloak on my bed and the boots near the fireplace. I thought about Nicolas then. I felt I was like in a dark cloud all this time, grey skies all around me, cold, unable to see past that cloud but that cloak was so bright red, was so vibrant, like when I saw Nicolas, he shone. How much I wished everything was a dream. The wolves, my mother, my brothers, my father, Nicolas...all a damned dream. But not, it was very real.

Days after my Mother came back to my room. Just as she always did when she came to my room. Same walk, same back and forth, slowly and calm yet so secure and her voice, strong but weak “Go down to the Village and meet Nicolas. His father will be happy to know he is friends with the Marquis Son.” she said

That didn't help. The hell with the Marquis and whatever people thinks I am now. I hated that. I hated it all. I hated to see my mother decaying. I hated her words. I hated to see her gray hair. I didn't say anything to respect her and not to aggravate her on her pan, I just stared at the fireplace in silence, not even looked at her now. She gave me that last look before she left my room. I saw it by the corner of my eye....moments later, I finally decided to go to meet Nicolas.

I looked horrible. I shaved with that old straight razor and splashed my face with cold water. The servants always refilled the basin with water but it was always cold. I was horrible mostly during winter times. All clean now. At least my face was. I was dressed with my old white yellow with age shirt, the jacket I owned and over my shoulder the red cloak and the new boots. It felt warm. It feel good. I make an order for the dogs to stay and they obeyed.

I’ve heard my brothers laughing and whispering on my back while I was on the way to the barn but Ignoring their presence and their ridiculous comments, I continued walking. The last thing I wanted to do now, was to fight with them.

Went down to the Village and I realized some people looked at me and bowed at me. I took a deep breath. I knew why. The wolves...I took a deep breath and made myself to continue and ignore anything else.

I went in to the Tavern and sat down. Ordering a wine I could not pay. I drank my first glass and looked around. People drinking, people drunk. Laughs. Warmth, cold. And I just sat there, with my red cloak, observing the Villagers. Thinking why I could not be like them? They seemed happy. They had each other... can we trade?

Submerged to these thoughts, I’ve heard the door opening and hitting the wall. It woke me up from my stupor and there he was. Nicolas. He was like if he came from a long run. His hair was messy but still tied back with a bow. He seemed excited to see me there. What an excitement. He rushed to my side and I just looked at him without a word wondering why he was so happy to see me . Again, reactions like that, were new to me, unknown to experience in my daily life.

He ordered more wine and supper and up to the room we went. I followed him and I really hoped he had the money to pay all of that and not to expect the Lord to pay becasue the Lord had zero money in his pocket. I chuckled just thinking about it. I imagined myself running away at night with the inn keeper screaming to me to pay for all the ordeal.

That room felt so comfortable. So warm. And “our Conversation” began.

“What was it like, Monsieur, killing the wolves?” he stared at me

"Why don't you tell me what's it like in Paris, Monsieur? “ I said and it seemed mocking and rude. You know I was furious about my life and I simply replied the way I always replied to my brothers. But he was not like them. I knew it. I apologized he seemed to understand.

Hours and hours have passed. Drunker we were, glass after glass. I asked a full load of questions about Paris, the University, Music, Theaters...I was imagining how the city was in my mind. How glorious everything seemed in Paris, How brilliant, How one could do many things and not being yelled at it. Theaters....I looked at him, seated in front of me and I listened but I did not. I was dreaming. I was drunk and I think I smiled. I smiled like a fool. Paris....

Then we talked religion and how cynic he seemed to me on his beliefs and how bitter he was talking about it. He just lost his faith and that seemed to be creating him some turmoil. Me, I never believed n God. Never my family. We went to mass just becasue of duty. But I not even believed in God when I was at the Monastery, I just believed on the Priests and them teaching me. Nicolas had that swirl of passion and light when he spoke. I was truly enjoying that conversation.

Then we talked about the witches place. It still gave me chills to think about it but I remembered when that happened and I cried and my mother had to come and pick me up and she was all upset with the Priest for telling us all these stories. I smiled and I felt embarrassed about the thought but I was just a kid. I drank more wine to stop that moment. I knew he was studying me. I felt his eyes on me and I loved that. I think I loved him or so I thought but I was stopping myself on thinking or to say something like that out loud. Its the 18th century, It was a scandal and a sin and much more strange for two men to say they love each other.  I was very drunk so I thought it was just that.

And there came the unexpected after my thought. He leaned closer asking me if I was a werewolf for killing the wolves and I could not believe or actually express what I felt when he did that and touched the fur on my cloak that I was still wearing over my shoulders. It was a blurry vision yet so enchanting. I just didn't want him to stop talking. I wanted him to tell me everything. I never had a conversation like this with anyone. ever. To stop looking at me. I smiled then laughed.

I wanted to know so much from him, his stories, why he didn't believe in these things and why he did believe in these other things, why he thinks Paris was a hellhole, The Village is a hellhole... I'm a dreamer..Yes I am and I wanted him to understand me that everything can be like that bright yet I loved his cynicism.

"Ah, you are a dreamer!  "  he was delighted.  He was beyond handsome when he smiled.

"And I'll know people like you, " I went on, "people who have thoughts in their heads and quick tongues with which to voice them, and we'll sit in cafes and we'll drink together and we'll clash with each other violently in words, and we'll talk for the rest of our lives in divine excitement. " I was stupidly drunk and looking like a fool under his spell. I didn't care. I was so happy.

He reached out and put his arm around my neck and kissed me.  We almost upset the table we were so blissfully drunk.  "My lord, the wolfkiller " he whispered against my lips.

I can assure you I was completely lost. I didn't move, I stayed there while he was holding me. I was listening to his voice even if now he was kissing me. I saw him in my mind even if now my eyes were closed. I realized I was returning that kiss.

Someone knocking at the door, that woke me up from that moment. Behave. What the hell just happened. A kiss? The Inn keeper, more wine. He sat down again and we then started to talk about our lives, more privately. Our fathers, our siblings, or duties, beatings, pain, misery, and somewhat to find our own happiness on what we had, mine hunting and him playing music. I absolutely hate to open myself to that vulnerable level to anyone but I felt Nicolas understood and I was not yelled at it for expressing and so I understood on his when he explained about his life.

We both agreed on that conversation, we replied to each other with “Yes!” “Exactly!” “I know what you mean” and the more I opened to him, the more we shared about our live experiences, the more captivated I was. He was just like me. Nicolas had that own light and pain like I did. I looked into his eyes when he talked and I could see that frustration and furious look. His voice tone, his expressions and gestures. But he had that handsome smile when he spoke about music that made his eyes shone again. He understood, I understood and I knew we had that invisible connection and I realized that I needed him. I needed that conversation.

Holding all these thoughts and opinions in me now could be released, explained and understood. Yes he had a different point of view on some things but that made it perfect. That made us to have intense conversations yet to enjoy each others company. That’s why I loved him. Not only for his handsome look but for that deep soul search meaning in our conversations. I needed someone to talk to in my life, never was able to and he was there now. And I knew I was there for him as well. The feeling and need was mutual.

“Please play the violin for me” I begged

And he ran immediately to his home. Just across from the Inn. It was almost night and we never had supper, I didn't care. I laid on the bed, just thinking about that day. I did not want to the day to end. I felt I was happier than I had ever been in my life. I listened to his words in my mind once again and remembered him walking and talking and smiling...I found myself smiling to that.

He came back. I looked at him and smiled, still lying on bed. He stood in the middle of that small room and he bowed and smiled to me and I smiled back. I laid there with my hands under my head and he started playing. I was astonished about that sound. I stared at him and I could not believe that music that came from him and that instrument. It was peaceful, it was happiness, it was intense, it was him talking through that song. It was inexplicable what I felt. The demons in me dissipated with his song but I felt his delicate and frustrations in as well. It was us! Yes that songs was us!! It was part of our conversation!! Our pain and our happiness, our tears and dreams...yes thats what I felt!

I had my hands holding my head when he finished the song and he seemed worried about my expression. I went up and kissed him and the violin and I threw myself back to the mattress and I started to cry. I dont know why but I wanted to cry. It was a relief after listening to the song and that music, It was a relief for having him there, it was a relief for him understanding me, it was a relief for his company...I cried becasue of my past, becasue of my brothers and father, their beatings, my mother, the wolves, my miserable life...I cried becasue on him and his handsome smile, his music and this happy moment, and the wine and the night at the inn together. I released all that pain and frustrations I held inside of me for so very long time. I needed him, I craved to have someone like him my whole life and now I had his company and his music.

“Monsieur, what's the matter! “ he said

"Stop calling me Monsieur, " I said.  "Call me by my name”

I couldn't tell him why I why crying. And I hated the Monsieur, Lord...always did. This is just me, This is Lestat. I'm not a Lord I'm nothing here just me, this me, love me becasue this is me not the Lord. How much I wanted to say that and I I feel inside of me and just the thought of it made me cry even more.

He sat next to me and held me, he said nice things to me and he tried comfort me, he caressed my hair...How in the hell nobody did that to me before when I cried? Why? What was the reason I had never had physical contact with my family other than beatings? why the hell I did wrong? and I cried more thinking about that. That pain I felt in my chest becasue of my thoughts and for feeling him now close to me, holding me and telling me everything will be alright. His soft voice. There were no more jokes, there was no more wine. The room stood quiet but my sobs and his voice and the fireplace. I held his arm and I grabbed his shirt tightly. I didn't want to go or move, I could not. I wanted to stay there in that room, in his arms and I felt he understood and he never left my side.

Moments later, cant say how long it passed until I felt somewhat better, I think I finally stopped crying and I felt my eyes so puff and blurry it hurt opening them to look at the fireplace, I felt the warm and I felt his arms still around me. I finally passed out or I went into stupor becasue I could not remember anything else than flashes of moving, feeling cold, the night, a door, the castle, my room and darkness again...

Did he stay with me that night at the castle? I do not know. What he did when I passed out in my room? I do not know. I felt tired from all the emotions and the wine and I just slept. And the first thought as soon as my eyes opened the next morning, was him.

I suddenly awoke, the sun was out and it was so bright. I dont know how long I slept. I realized I was in my bed, still all dressed up with the cloak over my shoulders, the dogs by my side and I stood up quickly, splashed my face with cold water, I looked fair enough, went to the kitchen and found a bottle of wine and I went down to the Village not even thinking on hunting or anything else than to be with Nicolas, to talk to him, I needed it so very much.

And there I was standing in the crooked stone street in front of his father's shop, tossing pebbles up at his window.  When he stuck his head out, he looked at me with that swirl on happiness and his handsome smile, messy hair and I said with enthusiasm:  

 "Do you want to come down and go on with our conversation?  " I smiled to him. I felt so happy again.

I never expected, specially at that moment in my life, to have switched from grey days, misery, frustration and loneliness to light, smiles, understanding, company and love. He came to my life when I most needed it. when I was about to lose my mind. He came after all these nightmares and fears. I loved to talk to him about all these different things and beliefs, he has his point of view and opinions, which sometimes upsets me, on a good way for a good argument. We discussed different matters but that do not last more than a few minutes and there we are again, loving each other in our company and enjoying our conversations.

Nicolas is so cynic, so pessimist, but he had his reasons on these frustrations yet he has that unique light that I found so appealing. He could say the word “Spite” on every sentence. And me, I just could see a positive thing even on his words. There was always a way to find happiness on the misery and darkness we lived. Or at least thats what I learned from myself from all these years, alone, hunting and living with the misery. Now Nicolas was part of that happiness. My happiness. I spent so much time with him when I was not hunting. I needed his presence, I needed his opinions and our conversation even if we were not on the same page. Just two different point of views. We had each other and that helped us to get through our lives the best we could. Or at least I felt it that way...

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[foegold]

people be wanting to know about a lil blue bastard. this ones long as hell so its under the cut jsdhfg

Your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?

farmer! he’d just keep living the way he’d been living. it’s the sort of life he imagines he’ll return to one day, after he’s seen and done enough. ‘enough’ is a really arbitrary end goal though

Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

who in the party wouldn’t he trust with his life tbh. in the most literal sense he’d trust Eli with it just because he knows Eli can bring him back from dying in some stupid and ill-advised way

What are your character’s core moral beliefs?

frogs are good, try to be nice to people but if they’re mean to you first then at least a few bets are off, the rich should probably be eaten. killing is sometimes necessary but maybe try some other stuff first

What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?

he doesn’t have any siblings, and his relationship with his mom and recently present dad is. a little weird, and not all the way comfortable, and not like really bad, but just confusing? it’s confusing. at least he’s had more transparency from his mom recently than just about any other time. it’s a start

Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

he trusts other tieflings a little quicker than other races but its not really saying much because he’s not smart and if you’re good at talking and sound like you know what you’re talking about he’ll just believe you. he doesn’t have the good sense to second think it without prompting

What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

so far just about every interaction with nobility has been messy or bad or scary or all three so right now the opinion is “not great”. also thats just too much money. whaddahell would you do with that much money.  he’s generally uneasy with authority figures at best, and flat out paralyzed by them at worst. he’s easy to bully when he doesn’t have anyone backing him up and he knows and hates it

Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

he cycles through an assortment of sweaters but the one he wears the most is the heart sweater he got in Wunjo that’s been altered a few times in the last few months. he do keep collecting those scars tho, before starting adventuring he had a handful of minor scars just from working around the farm with the animals and the equipment and from romping around in the country. now he’s got all sorts, but the most prominent ones are: the thin scar on the left side of his face, starting just below the eyebrow and curving gently below his eye (the last time Leo would leave a mark on him); the twisted angry scars across his torso from being mauled by a giant undead horse(?); and the fluid, patterned necromancy scars slowly spreading across his back, creeping along inch by inch

What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

besides his own house, Roman’s house has been the nicest! its warm and theres soup and friends there. there was a run down little ranch house somewhere at some point, but he’s not so sure anymore that he didn’t just dream about fixing the place up with his best friend

What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?

he doesn’t have a god he actively worships, but he’s peripherally aware of the god in the mountains that’s responsible for some of the most brutal storms in the region. he doesn’t care much about religion but hes got the same amount of concern most people would have about evil deities and what their followers do

If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?

probably woodworking! its handy, it’s useful for living out in the country where you have to either make the tools or furniture or fun items to put on a shelf you want, or go out of your way and also spend money to get them. maybe an actual alchemy set and/or poison kit but 1) playing with poison just a fun hobby for him and Xan to get into when they have the time and the plants for it, and 2) man he wouldnt follow the instruction manual anyway so whats the point

What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

will his friends be okay? will he be okay? is there an FAQ for tieflings learning that they’re much closer to fiend lineage than they originally thought? that would be convenient and helpful. is john gonna figure out more about the little men named ‘adam’ that’re allegedly everywhere?  if he could know one thing about the future, he’d like to know if everything will end out okay. if things will turn out as nice as he’d like them to.

What colors are associated with your character?

looks at the camera like im on the office

blue, white, and black are the big ones but im trying to pepper in a few other colors. reds and yellows are a close second

Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?

everyone sits squarely in the #1 spot on the rescue list

that aside john and roman are extremely high priority, they’re not the sturdiest and if something looked at them too hard they might keel over. baster and xan come next, he knows baster’s a shit brick house but he keeps seeing bad things happen to her and really hes just had Enough of it. eli’s a little lower priority because they can heal themselves if they’re in a tight spot, and then blu considers himself least concern. he knows he can get thrashed around some and still survive, he’d rather take a beating and know he’ll walk out of it than let someone else take it and wind up dead

Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

pathos, it’s easy to make him feel for u. legit any of them work though as long as you talk it up good enough he’ll believe you and if there aren’t any glaring conflicts between what you’re selling him and his base morals then it’s relatively easy to get him on board

If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?

idk probably something really simple that he put all of .5 of a second of thought into. hes not smart and doesnt have good foresight so he’d probably ask for a frog or smth unless there was something very much more pressing and present

What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

favorite(?) spell is life transference. it hurts a bit but it keeps his friends safe so it’s worth it. invisibility is up there too, its fun and easy to steal from stores when ur not visible

How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?

he doesn’t like lying and also lies really poorly. he’s usually just honest from the get-go, its easier and feels better. if he has to lie its through omission, bold faced lies really just dont work

What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?

all sorts....bro the world is full of animals and lots of them like to be pet

When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?

he thought he’d grow up and be a farmer like his mom, the adventuring thing was extremely unplanned and impromptu. he hoped he could be a kind and brave person though, the way Canna described his dad.

The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?

random roll says it’s Roman, he’d probably laugh because the only reason that would happen is because the party is fooling around with potions again. Roman’s very married and very in love with his husband and makes sure everyone knows it all the time

If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?

that doesn’t seem like a very viable circumstance, the only npc thats important enough that he’d listen to for something like that is his mom and she actively encourages him to take care of himself and his friends, and lets him make his own decisions about what he’s doing with his life, so

What unusual talents does your character possess?

idk if its all that unusual of a talent but he got really good at stealing and pickpocketing and he can do a sick flip. also does some black magic sometimes

What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)

it’s his name, u kno. bluebell is his middle name, but Canna called him bluebell growing up and he latched onto it a lot more than arden, and he thinks its a nice name, and a nice flower, and it sure would be nice if people would stop laughing when he introduces himself as “Blu”,

(blu was originally a stand-in name until i named him something else but it really grew on me and it fit him so! it didnt change, he just got other names too)

What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

The Moon. 👀

What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

he’s def scared of magic sometimes, especially his own. he also really wants to understand it better though, and be less scared, or at least control it better. imo it’s a healthy fear, theres been lots of magic mishaps 

How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

he learned common and infernal from mom! and he’s learning draconic from xan. it’s a nice downtime activity, sit down with ur best friend and homie and learn a new language just for fun

[whenthedayisdone]

3 random facts. Do you wish you had siblings (i dont think youve mentioned if u do or not, if u do do you wish you didnt lol)? Top 5 movies that makes you cry and why. Top 13 (lol) taylor lyrics (or less)(or more) (just ur favorites however many there are)

1. I tend to keep the lights off a lot. I just find lights so annoying on my quiet times. Lmao

2. I sleep with socks on on summer sometimes bc I can't for the life of me sleep with my feet uncovered. So I figure that socks on them are better than trying to control a blanket to only cover my feet without covering anything else and without falling off the bed. Lmao

3. I HATE horror movies. 6th Sense was so traumatizing as a kid. 🙊

I have siblings. 6 of them bc according to my parents, WHY NOT??

As a kid, I remember wishing I was an only child a few times. But now, as an adult, I don't anymore. We have the best times together. We're all mostly grown ups now and handling each other now isn't the same as handling each other before our empathic systems were developed, which essentially, made us all a bunch of psychopaths running around and having fun one minute but pulling each other's hairs the next. Lmao

I'll edit it bc Tumblr hates me. Hold on.

Top 5 movies

1. Marley & Me. I watched this movie a week after my dog died. Obviously I'm a horrible decision maker and OH MY WHY DIDN'T ANYONE STOP ME???

2. The good dinosaur. I cried and it's embarrassing and that's that.

3. Before you. Like, I normally don't cry. But I don't know. I was overly sensitive. Haha

4. Titanic. The first time a main role guy ever died on me. I thought they were forever and then... Gone.

5. My girl. I cried as a kid and I still cry now. Jeez. which is why I don't watch it anymore. Ain't nobody got time for that. Lmao

Top 13 lyrics (13? Taylor, is that you? Lmao)

You need to give a few minutes to think up this one. Hold on.

Here it goes in no particular order. I'm just looking up my playlist on Spotify and remembering the lyrics of the songs as they come up.

1. I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say 'hello' to you and risk another goodbye – I almost do

[...]

I just wanna tell you it takes EVERYTHING in me not call you. I wish I could run to you and I hope you know that everytime I don't, I almost do. - I almost do

2. People like you always want back the love they gave away.

[...]

I've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made.

People like you always want back the love they pushed aside.

But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.

[...]

You were all I wanted... But not like this. - All you had to do was stay

3. I jump from the train, I ride off alone. I never grew up, it's getting so old. – The Archer

4. And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me. And at every table, I'll save you seat, Lover. - Lover

5. Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up.

[...]

You call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

[...]

Time won't fly. It's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still tryna find it. After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own. Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone. - All too well

6. The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst. - Clean

7. And I know I make the same mistakes every time. Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right.

[...]

I recall late November, holdin' my breath, slowly I said, "You don't need to save me. But would you run away with me?" Yes. - Call it what you want

8. Why'd I have to break what I love so much?

It's on your face, and I'm to blame, I need to say.

Hey. It's all me in my head.

I'm the one who burned us down. But it's not what I meant. Sorry that I hurt you.

I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you. I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you.

I need to say.

Hey It's all me, just don't go. Meet me in the afterglow. - Afterglow

9. Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep - King of my heart

10. Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine. You've ruined my life, by not being mine.

[...]

I feel like I might sink and drown and die. - Gorgeous

11. Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere. - New year's day.

12. There is an indentation in the shape of you. Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo.

[...]

All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation. My hands are shaking from holding back from you.

All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting. My hands are shaking from holding back from all this.

[...]

Say my name and everything just stops. - Dress

13. If I bleed you'll be the last to know.

[...]

Said, "I'm fine", but it wasn't true. I don't wanna keep secrets. Just to keep you. - Cruel summer