#and it's just really disheartening even though i do things for myself first and foremost and i am not afraid to say i put myself

[astrxealis]

i do not like tumblr much anymore again :(( anyways important stuff in the tags! but tldr just hmu if you want my discord or twitter, won't be gone from here completely but yeah <3

[bunny-rambles]

my baby ;;; you're not selfish for feeling sad or lonely, you're human, and it's human to experience disappointment :(((

let me tell you a story tho: when i was a bit younger than i am now i was actually a pretty famous fanfiction writer. seems silly now that i think back on it but i actually was :' the type of famous where i woke up with people writing that they wished to be able to write like me, or that i was their inspiration, or that they hoped we could be friends. and you know what the funny story was? at the time my writing was atrocious. utterly, terribly, cringe-worthy type of writing, the type that makes older me want to go back and slap younger me in the face.

after that i took sort of a gap year, talked to some senior writers, improved my writing a lot, and when i came back guess what? my time had kind of ended, all the people that used to follow me where not there anymore and i went to receiving tons of comments to every single one of my stories to having like, one or two and mostly from my closest friends. yet the fics i wrote in that period were undoubtedly better than anything else that i had written prior. and it was kind of disheartening, but in my case at the end of the day i came to realise that writing was a thing that made me happy, first and foremost, and if by doing that i could make someone else happy as well it didn't really matter to me whether it was one person or one hundred, even if i never really stopped thinking about all the what ifs. sometimes i still wish i was the type of fanwriter that receives praise and appreciation and has people drawing fanarts on her works. because i'm human, and as such i have ambitions, i have dreams, i feel hurt, and all the likes.

what i was trying to say with this useless story is. first of all, recognition and praise doesn't make your talent. you're no less good of a writer if no one reads you and you're no necessarily better if you have thousands of followers. you're you, and what you write is a reflection of you, and it's good and it might be improvable as everything human is, but it's also perfect as is, and you shouldn't let even yourself think that it's not. but secondly, feeling sad is human, feeling left out is human, and you shouldn't feel bad about feeling like that, like you're selfish for suffering or something.

this was supposed to be comforting in some way but eh, unfortunately i never had a way with words when it came to feelings. what i was trying to say though is, i unfortunately can't fix your problems like i had some sort of magic wand. but if i can tell you how good i genuinely think you are every single time i write to you then i will, because i think it's true. and if one day i'll find you with thousands of followers i'll be really happy for you and i really wish you'll achieve that, but that won't change the fact that i still get a smile on your face whenever i see you posting a new work :3

and speaking of works! i've seen your new ruby piece and will rush to check it out, but the part of me that still believed me to be able to make a point wanted to write to you first. feel free to answer to this or not, it was more of a incoherent babble for you ahah

goodnight my sweet buns, i'll send lots of hugs to hold you tight whenever your mood drops even a lil bit

con affetto,

- 🍓

Hm,

I wish I could make myself believe that I’m not selfish or greedy for wanting to have my feelings noticed, but at this moment in time, I can’t bring myself to. I feel like sometimes, maybe I should never show emotions to anyone. Other times, I feel like this is my safe place, and maybe it should be okay to express when I’m not feeling my best. I’m 50/50 with everything at this moment in time, and I’m still working on not feeling selfish for experiencing emotion. It’s a work in progress.

Anyway, apologies for going off topic, I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been writing for years, just never published any, and I too got compliments that (now) I think were just completely undeserved. Now I’m improving, I wish for those comments back, because now I feel like my writing is at the standard I want it to be (at times, sometimes it still feels stiff and emotionless to me) but I just never get them. It’s very disheartening.

Like the Ruby piece, since you brought it up, I think last time I posted the first part I got a lot of notes, now the second part, although yes has a lot of praise instead of silent rb’s, is barely at 150. And I think it’s so much better than almost all of my posts !! It’s the longest thing I’ve written, the longest I’ve worked on a piece, and had the most enjoyment out of writing it. Sure, it might not be perfect, but I enjoyed writing it. And truthfully that’s all that should matter. It’s just, when I spend so much time on something, I’d want it to get what I think is suitable attention. That was really off topic, sorry. My head isn’t feeling very good so I’m rambling a lot more.

But… Thank you. I don’t think my writing is perfect, but I’m glad you think so. And I’ll try not to feel selfish for feeling the things that I do.

It was comforting, I’ve reread this a few times since you’ve sent it in. I wasn’t expecting you to say anything since you rarely send more than one message if I’ve not responded, but it was a very pleasant surprise. I’m sending back my love and hugs, thank you so much for being here for me. Even as a faceless anon, I still considering you rather close to me now, purely because of how sweet you are to me. Thank you (again) I’m so happy my works make you smile, and I hope to continue to make you smile while you’re here

Buona notte, fragola amica.

ti voglio bene <3

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

TWDG: The Final Season | Character Discussion | 1/2

Part 1 | Part 2

“Everyone’s counting on me to step up. Be the leader they need me to be... I really want to be that for them.”  

So.... let’s talk about Marlon. 

I mean, let’s really talk about him. Ever since I started this blog, some common questions I get revolve around Marlon- “How do you feel about Marlon?” “Do you think he deserved a redemption arc?” “Why do you think he was sent to Ericson?” “In your opinion, is Marlon a bad person?” and many others. 

Some ask with expectations that I’ll express a distaste or hatred for him, while others ask with a more sympathetic approach. If you know me, if you’ve been here for a while, then you know that I do indeed like Marlon as a character, and today I want to talk about him from my perspective while playing this game. 

And with that comes a seemingly unnecessary disclaimer, but one I feel I need to add in order to make it abundantly clear: I will be discussing MY thoughts, experiences, and feelings about Marlon within TFS and give my take on his character. Because we’re not the same person, you may have a different opinion or perspective on his character, you may disagree with something I say, and that’s perfectly okay. You’re entitled to your opinion as I am mine, and I do encourage you to join in on the discussion and express your thoughts about Marlon, but I also want to let you know that you can do that without attacking me or anyone else. 

Really, this is pretty much me looking at Marlon’s role and arc within TFS, discussing points of his character that I find interesting, exploring the why’s and how’s of his actions, maybe coming up with a couple theories as to why he was sent to Ericson, and basically giving a lot of personal opinions of him. It’s a discussion meant in good fun, that’s all I’m saying. 

Before we dive right in, I do want to thank @pi-creates​ for providing me with most of the screenshots used in this. I appreciate the help! If you haven’t already, go check out Pi’s blog for some of the best screenshots and model swaps in the TWDG community! Thank you, thank you!

[First and foremost, y’all are sleeping on Ray Chase’s performance as Marlon and it really shows]

“Looks like I was announced as Marlon, the central focus in this first episode of The Walking Dead Season 4 coming in a few weeks. I've been playing this series since the beginning, and it was a real honor to be a part of the canon. I hope you enjoy!“ - Ray Chase’s Twitter account | July 26, 2018

I want to start this off with praising Marlon’s voice actor, Ray Chase, for doing such a perfect job of bringing Marlon’s character to life. Every emotion and infliction feels genuine, and there’s isn’t a single moment where I don’t “see” Marlon, y’know? I mean that in the sense that every line delivered is believable and doesn’t break my immersion with, “Oof, they really used that take?” 

I know we throw praise upon Melissa, Tayla, Sterling, and Gideon [and for good reason, they’re all fantastic, too!] but even with them there are a couple of lines that I notice have a lack of flow or sound just a bit off. I’ve played TFS how many times? And not once have I had that issue with Ray Chase as Marlon, so bravo to this man. Credit where credit is due, his performance is damn near flawless.

Especially in the confrontation scene at the end of Done Running. I’ll get into that scene as a whole later, but just looking at the performance and the intense, impactful emotion brought to that scene, just..... *chef kiss*

Thank you, Ray Chase. 

[What’s up with your haircut, Marlon?]

“Uh, I look cool... I say, I look cool.”

Lemme talk a little bit about Marlon’s design- I think he looks great. 

I love the little details in the Ericson varsity jacket he wears... including the fact that it looks just a tad bit too snug on him. Like, either the boy doesn’t have another jacket or he’s grown so attached to this one that he’s not willing to admit that he’s outgrown it a bit. 

I’ve had a lot of people point out that it’s nice to see a teenage character in these games with actual acne since most media pretends that acne just doesn’t exist, and I agree. We all know that if this were more realistic, then everyone would have terrible, greasy, dirty skin but... y’know. 

And y’know what? I like the mullet! It’s unique! And I choose to believe it’s a representation of Marlon’s past with bad decisions he’s too stubborn to admit were bad decisions... I mean, he’s had it since he was a kid and hadn’t grown it out or cut it off [to our knowledge, I suppose] sooo... there’s that. 

Or maybe he does actually think it looks badass. Either way. 

Hell, my biggest complaint about Marlon’s design is that I wish they kept more to this concept art attire:

Because Marlon looks super good in this concept art. I love the headband with the mullet and his clothes actually look more comfortable... but like, it’s fine. He still looks great in the game, his little jacket’s cool, bringing back the mullet...its fine. I’m just sayin’. He looks great. 

[Marlon’s introduction in TFS]

“It's our little kingdom. I just do what I can to keep the peace. Wasn't always like this, though. There used to be a lot of us, but...you know how it goes.”

Let’s talk about how Marlon’s introduced. 

We get our first look at him after Clementine and AJ crash their car during the walker attack. A bunch of arrows come flying, hitting walkers attempting to get ahold of them, and as Clementine glances over she sees a figure pulling AJ out of the car. And even though you can tell it’s Marlon, this closer shot from Pi-

-100% confirms that it’s him. Not that you had any doubt, but still.

What’s interesting, though, is that while snooping around for some insight about Marlon from the writers/devs, wandering around reddit, replaying the game myself, and even glancing over the all-knowing wiki that’s never wrong ever, it seems agreed upon that Marlon wasn’t alone, despite no one else being specifically mentioned to have helped Clementine and AJ. 

Which makes sense that that’d be the case, but I did come across a handful of people who are pretty adamant that he was alone, which is an interesting take, though I disagree.

I’m pretty sure most people do, too. I mean, Marlon says, “It's good we found you when we did. It wasn't easy getting you two out of that wreck, and walkers were on the way.” So I don’t even think that was the writers’ intention of it being solely Marlon who saved them.

What’s funny is I came across a post Instagram [I know, the most legitimate source for info and thoughtful opinions] that was surprisingly trying to redeem/defend Marlon rather than chastise him by claiming he’s a hero who saved Clementine and AJ by himself. 

The thing is, they’re both unconscious after the wreck, so unless Marlon has super-human speed to grab AJ, zip around the car to grab Clementine, and then uses super-human strength to carry both of them AND their belongings all while killing any threatening walkers coming after them with his bow... I’m gonna have to press [X] Doubt. 

Besides, I like the idea of it being vague. I like to think that was the intention. “Who was Marlon with? A hunting party! You fill in the blanks!” That sort of deal.

With everything that we know about Marlon and the safe-zone, it does lead to questions about why he and whoever felt they had to go outside it to see what was happening. Marlon points out in his conversation with Clementine that they “had to work fast. I don't know what would've happened if we hadn't seen the smoke...” And later Violet mentions an explosion, so I think it’s safe to say that they heard the explosion and followed the smoke to the location. 

If you don’t know about the raiders and the twins [like it’s your first time playing] then you probably assume that Marlon and his group were being kind in rescuing them, which I don’t doubt but it does make you wonder about things from Marlon’s perspective, y’know?

This is one of those “shhh, don’t think, just go with it” moments. If I had to give a reason, I’d say that the group he was with didn’t think twice about checking it out and even if Marlon did protest, he didn’t have much choice but to follow. Then, seeing that it’s Clementine and AJ, I believe he genuinely wanted to save them. 

“All alone with the kid? Not a pleasant thought. I've seen some rough scenes. But that one would've been up there.”

We get our second and more official introduction to Marlon after Clementine escapes her dorm and confronts Tenn... and it’s pretty fucking good. I mean, everything from him being hidden in the shadows with his bow drawn, to the clear concern yet sternness in his voice as he assures Clementine they’re not going to hurt her and to put the knife down, to his sympathetic apology for scaring her is just an A+. 

One thing this season does exceptionally well is introducing its characters. Marlon has such a confident yet chill way about him when you first meet that it’s actually disheartening to think that in two hours he’s gonna be pulling a gun and MURDER....

Sigh. 

Let’s not jump that far ahead yet. I’m not ready. 

What I find appealing about this next part is Clementine’s reaction to seeing the inside of Ericson for the first time and how taken aback she seems by it. I also love how easy and comfortable it is to talk with Marlon as they’re walking through the yard even though we just met him. 

I enjoy that you can tell he’s trying to get a better idea of who she is without pressuring or overwhelming her and doing his best not to offend. And even when Clementine questions if he doesn’t think she can handle herself, he’s decent about apologizing and explaining that’s not what he meant. But he’s also not afraid to be upfront about AJ’s behavior since they brought him here, either.

He does come off as annoyed when talking about AJ being a handful. We don’t know how long Clementine’s been passed out or how long they had to deal with AJ after he woke up, so who knows how much of a little terror AJ was before they either dumped him with Louis or Louis decided to take him to the music room to chill... where he then bit Ruby. 

Anyway, the first impression I got of Marlon is that he’s genuinely friendly, trying to help Clementine and AJ even if AJ’s been a nuisance, and he’s confident in the system he has in place for them. He is rather forward and proud about being the school’s leader when first telling Clementine. 

Having played through the whole season several times and knowing how Done Running ends, it’s interesting to look at Clementine’s first conversation with Marlon with that all knowing perspective- knowing what he did to the twins, knowing that Brody’s involved and that Marlon’s going to eventually kill her, going to try and frame Clementine for the murder, knowing that he was planning on giving Clementine and AJ away...

I can definitely look at this conversation with a more skeptical lens and say he’s more so trying to sell the idea that he has everything under control in this kingdom for kids and he’s a proper leader with a system in place despite being so young with no adults around. But hey, that’s the natural progression- Ericson is a perfectly chill safe haven and the Ericson crew get along swell... except no, the cracks slowly begin to surface as the episode goes on until all hell breaks loose with Marlon at the center. 

[Rosie is best girl]

“You said dogs brought back bad memories. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so scared of them. But I swear, Rosie's not as frightening as she seems...See? She's harmless. She just needs to get to know you, is all. Here. I'll show you. Do you trust me? “

I’ll be completely honest- the thing that initially sold me on trusting Marlon the first time I ever played this episode was his relationship with Rosie. 

If you know me, then you know that I love dogs. I have a pup named Piglet that I adore, I’ve grown up with dogs my whole life, and I have a huge appreciation and soft spot for animals.  I’m one of those people that can’t stand others who are mean or cruel to harmless animals. It’s different if you’re hunting for food or if an animal attacks you and you’re defending yourself... but I’ve known people who have gone out of their way to hurt animals. I’m out in a country area with a lot of dangerous roads for wandering animals, and the amount of people I’ve driven with who’ll swerve to hit a squirrel, a cat, a dog because they enjoy it is too many. After those incidents, I cut those people out of my life.  If you don’t have that love and appreciation in your heart, then I want nothing to do with you. 

So when I saw that Rosie, while the school’s dog, is more portrayed to be Marlon’s dog above everyone else, I remember thinking to myself, “Okay, I trust him. He clearly loves this dog, wouldn’t mistreat her, and that’s a step in the right direction.”  

While I wasn’t skeptical of him and his intentions before, it really was that natural relationship he held with Rosie that kind of sealed the deal for me- “I like Marlon! He’s probably going to die because he’s the leader and they never last but when it does happen, I’m gonna be super upset about it.” 

And well, to be fair... I was super upset when he died, just more so than I originally planned because there was also that element of betrayal mixed into the pain, y’know? 

Speaking of trust and Rosie- My second favorite Marlon scene is the office scene. But let’s talk about the Rosie bit specifically. After Tenn leaves and Rosie comes in, she scares Clementine and brings back those traumatic memories of when Sam attacked her. 

Marlon comes in and cools the situation, and I love the way he talks to Clementine in this moment. 

I love that he doesn’t immediately turn to Clementine like, “What’d you do?” but recognizes that she’s afraid of Rosie due to her previous experience, one that he remembers her mentioning. He also knows how well trained Rosie is to recognize scents and people, which explains why she’s behaving that way- she doesn’t know Clementine. 

I feel like I’m using this word a lot, but Marlon’s approach to helping Clementine with her fear of dogs feels so genuine. He holds his hand out and waits for her to accept, and if she does, he walks Clementine through what to do, beginning Clementine’s bond with Rosie. 

“Get down on her level. Let her get your scent. It's okay. She's not gonna hurt you.”

It’s incredibly sweet and humanizing to see Marlon like this. 

The best part about this scene, though, is that you can reject Marlon’s offer and he won’t be upset. 

“No problem. I'm not gonna pressure you.”

And he doesn’t. He doesn’t get annoyed, he doesn’t press, no questions asked, and he doesn’t say anything to make Clementine feel bad for her decision. He respects that she isn’t ready to get close with Rosie.

The reason I love this is because how many times have we made decisions in this game, big and small, and had the other characters get annoyed or try to guilt us? “Oh, you don’t want to bond with the dog? Rosie’s the best, everyone loves dogs! What’s wrong with you?” None of that here. That’s something I appreciate about Marlon in this moment. 

It shows that when he wants to, he can listen and understand those around him... something he clearly struggles with when it comes to certain members of Ericson.

I’ll swing back around and talk about that entire scene in a bit, but one last thing about Rosie... can I just say how heart breaking it is to hear her whine at Marlon’s funeral? Solidifying that she was definitely Marlon’s dog more than anyone else’s? And the way Rosie lays on his grave several times in episode 2? 

Oof. 

[Ericson’s perception of Marlon prior to the final confrontation and after]

“...when the world went to shit, he bailed. All the other adults did. Left us behind to fend for ourselves...  Now it's just us kids left.”

I want to touch on how the Ericson crew seem to view Marlon as a leader before and after the final confrontation.

When looking at and discussing a character, it’s important to not just focus solely on them. You can gather a lot about a character based on how others respond and perceive them.

Not everyone expresses something towards Marlon within Done Running. Y’know, like Omar or Ruby, for example. Though we do get a bit more from them after Marlon’s death, their perception of him is different now that they’ve learned what he’s done and witnessed his murder.

So we don’t know how Ruby, Omar, Willy or Mitch viewed his leadership prior to those events, y’know? It’s safe to assume that they’re fine following him as a leader since they’re background characters at this point and make no objections to his leadership at any time before the confrontation. But, after learning the truth, they turned against him. 

Then things get complicated when Marlon’s murder traumatizes them. 

What a mess.

But for this section, there are two characters I want to get into specifics about. They’re worth talking about because they further Marlon’s character, but they’re not the most important, y’know? Characters like Louis, Tenn, and Brody will get their own sections. 

The one I find most interesting among side characters is Aasim. Right off the bat, you get a feel for what his relationship is like with Marlon:

Marlon: “How'd it go out there?”

Aasim: “How do you think it went?”

Brody: “Be nice, Aasim.”

Aasim: “The safe zone's nearly dry. I could barely find enough for tonight. We're gonna have to scout out further if we want food for the winter.”

Marlon: “We'll talk about it later.”

Aasim: “Bullshit, we should talk about this right now-”

Marlon: “I said later, damn it!”

So... they’re not exactly besties. The game makes a clear point that Aasim is more vocal in his disagreements and concerns towards Marlon than the others. They even reiterate it when you talk with him later:

“He keeps pulling back the safe zone. We have fewer and fewer places to hunt. Which means we're gonna have fewer and fewer things to eat.”

No one else opposes Marlon like he does, not counting Brody in the basement since that’s a whole other thing and Brody will get an entire segment to herself later.

It’s pretty clear that this isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation, but because Marlon’s in a place of power, Aasim doesn’t have much choice but to go along with it. Because no one else is speaking up, he doesn’t have anyone to back him up, and you can tell he goes with it reluctantly. He also voices annoyances when it comes to how Marlon treats Louis if you go hunting.

Knowing this, you can infer that Marlon doesn’t want to hear what Aasim has to say, and he doesn’t appreciate someone questioning his leadership. When Aasim steps in Marlon’s path and says, “Bullshit, we should talk about this right now-” what does Marlon do?

He shoves his shoulder into Aasim’s as he pushes past, and in a louder, commanding tone, replies, “I said later, damn it!” which leads to Aasim glaring after him... but he doesn’t pursue. Marlon has a hard time with someone like Aasim and his response is to shut him down rather than stop, listen to his concerns, and address them.

That’s something Marlon struggles with as a leader- control and listening. Control over his temper and anger, listening and addressing the concerns of the people he swears to protect.

The reason I bring this up is because Aasim is our first indication that the image Marlon was giving off previously isn’t as spotless as he wants us to believe. Aasim plants a seed of doubt, y’know? He gives an argument that the player can get behind.

“Yeah, why not extend the safe zone? If food is really as bad as you say it is, then what other choice is there? Just be extra cautious so no one gets hurt,” which can then lead to thinking, “Why is Marlon so insistent about the safe zone? Is he hiding something?”

Once that seed is there, it grows.

Now as for how Aasim’s view of Marlon changes during and after the confrontation, you can see that he’s one of the few that wants to hear Clementine’s side to things, and he steps forward after Louis/Violet intervenes.

Then after Marlon dies, Aasim is... well, he’s rather neutral? And I say that meaning he’s more in a middle ground between Louis and Violet, who are on extreme opposite ends. Aasim isn’t okay with Marlon’s death, nor is he okay with AJ killing him, but he can see that kicking Clementine and AJ out isn’t the best solution. Hence why he voted for them to stay.

You can see he’s still angry at Marlon for what he did during the funeral scene, but the game doesn’t care to show more beyond that. Which, in my opinion, was a missed opportunity on their part.  

And because I’m me, I also want to add that this perfectly sets up the idea of Aasim taking over once Marlon died and the writers shot themselves in the foot for wasting him like that. Good job.

Now let’s talk about Violet. People love when I do that.

Marlon and Violet don’t interact too much prior to the confrontation. The most we see them together is during the card game, and they’re chill. Violet makes fun of his hair, he says he looks cool, they’re decent to each other, it’s all good. They’re on friendly terms. 

Which I do find it interesting that she seems like she’s chill with Marlon, but she has such a hard time with Brody. Granted, that’s because she was supposed to go with them but asked Brody to cover her, and then when the twins died, she felt guilty. But you’d think that she’d also have some issues with Marlon, given that he was also there and, like Brody, unable to save them.

You could argue that because Violet and Brody were friends before it had a stronger effect, whereas she and Marlon weren’t ever that close, so it didn’t strike as bad, y’know? 

Though this does kind of get explained later if you choose to stick with Violet through ep4. Well, sort of? A little? She tells you:

Violet: “...I remember how Marlon described it, what we were gonna turn Ericson into. It's not the way any of us pictured it.”

Clementine: “How did you picture it?”

Violet: “I guess I couldn't. I just listened to what Marlon said. How it would be a home, a real one. But I couldn't really wrap my head around it.”

And when she talks about people who cared about her that she pushed away, she does list Marlon as one of those people, which is super interesting given all the loathing she’s done towards him after the truth came out.

It could be that in the past, she saw Marlon as the leader and why would he lie? He’s the one who stepped up, promised that they’d made Ericson into something special, into a brand new home... what reason does she have to distrust him?

So when she finds out the truth... well, that betrayal completely shatters everything she has for Marlon, going as far as for her to believe that AJ was justified in what he did and shit talking Marlon in front of his mourning best friend. 

So her reaction to Marlon after this makes sense, but what does this tell us about Marlon himself?

Again, depending on how you view him, you can look at this idea of Marlon being kind to Violet and them being on friendly terms after what happened to the twins a few different ways- Marlon was manipulating Violet solely for his sake, or Marlon felt guilty that something he did hurt her this bad and tried to make Violet feel better, or both.

I think it was both. After the twins died, we all know the amount of guilt Marlon carried with him, so having to be confronted with the fallout of that in the form of someone like Violet... he had to be careful. I don’t doubt that he cared about Violet or that he tried to reach out to her, but he also had to protect himself for the sake of maintaining his leadership and control of Ericson. So, of course, he had to lie to her which manipulated her feelings about him and the situation. 

I believe Violet recognized it, too. When she says they should’ve asked more questions about what happened, I think that’s her being more pissed with herself for trusting Marlon and not questioning him further, for taking his word for it. 

I’ve come across theories suggesting that Marlon actually manipulated Violet into placing blame onto Brody rather than him, which is why she is on friendly terms with him but not so much Brody. And that’s a valid interpretation. There isn’t any solid evidence of this within the game to suggest either way, but I can definitely see how someone would come to that conclusion. Especially after the confrontation.

Now let’s touch on Violet if you appeal to her, because Marlon does something that makes me go “Hmmmm...”

Clementine, when she appeals to Violet, say, “Violet you have to believe me.”

To which, Marlon immediately steps in and says, “You don't. You met her, like, two days ago!”

He doesn’t even give her a chance to speak. 

With Louis, he’s so overly confident that he has him completely wrapped around his finger that he doesn’t feel the need to say anything. He feels he has control over Louis. But with Violet, he feels his control might not be as strong, so he needs to remind her that she just met Clementine, whereas she’s known him for years- something he uses against the whole group.

And when Clementine tries to talk to her, Marlon takes a low blow and it’s super shitty.

“Don't let her get in your head. Hey, what would Minnie want you to do? She was my friend, too. So was Brody.”

He’s desperate to crawl out of the grave this situation has put him in that he’s willing to go this low, doing everything he can to make sure Violet doubts Clementine... and y’know, whose to say this is the first time Marlon is using Minnie to manipulate her? And when it doesn’t work, he gets frustrated like “Violet being difficult. Why am I not surprised?” which could suggest that it hasn’t always worked. 

It goes back to what I was saying- Marlon tried to get close to Violet and she never let him. She was difficult to be around after the twins died due to her grief and Marlon struggled with that. 

When he finally comes clean, this is where the real shift happens with him and Violet. You can see the hatred burning on her face every time the camera pans over to her now that she’s felt betrayed by him and his actions. 

Right before Marlon dies, if you choose to say nothing, Violet will step forward and start saying that he doesn’t get to stay, but gets cut off when AJ shoots him. 

All in all, Violet is a big case against Marlon and a showcase of how far his manipulation as gone within Ericson.

[Marlon’s office and foreshadowing of motivations]

“Whenever someone goes outside the safe zone, bad shit happens. People die or disappear. I just... I could really use the help, Clementine. Taking care of these kids, it's not easy. I'm worried that if I don't figure something out, if...if I don't fix our food situation... I can't lose anyone else. We've already lost so much. Friends, siblings... I can't let another kid die. It could break us.”

Swinging back around, let’s talk about the rest of the scene in the office. 

First off- it’s implied that Marlon uses the office as a bedroom given the mattress on the floor and some of his personal belongs laying about. Like the photo he keeps of him and Louis. 

The bed isn’t for Rosie, we assume, since we later see her sleeping outside while chained up. This might be just because they wanted Rosie present for the confrontation scene but didn’t want her loose, so they put her outside when you’d think that she’d sleep inside with everyone else. 

Or, maybe she just prefers to be outside when the weather’s nice, or they keep her as a guard in case something were to happen, that way she can alarm them. 

Anyway, why does Marlon potentially sleep in his office rather than in a dorm? Or does he have a dorm that he’ll sleep in, but keeps the mattress there just in case? 

Well, a show of authority, for one. Even if he does keep a dorm room, it’s likely that he made the office his own as a way to be like “The headmaster is gone, this is my office now. I’m in charge.” 

Which makes sense. 

And when you think about what Louis tells us about Marlon having all these sleepless nights and tough calls, it’s not hard to imagine him spending late nights in his chair going over different plans and stressing over the food situation/safe zone, as well as letting the guilt of the twins weigh on him to the point were he’s too exhausted to even leave.

Moving on to the actual conversation between him and Clementine. He does show a vulnerable side to her, which I like. He can feel the pressure he’s under and sense the loss he’s suffered. But...like before, looking at this knowing what I know, it’s not hard to see certain things in a different light opposed to what you’d see as a new player.

What’s interesting, though, is while I do enjoy this conversation and the bits of insight it gives to Marlon’s character, there is this subtle, slightly off undertone of the whole scene after the Rosie bit. 

At this point, we’ve talked with Aasim and he’s planted the seed of doubt.

We’ve heard the story about the twins. Violet came and talked to us about it, we could visit their graves and learn that they died at this time last year. Anyone who has played any game or heard any story can pick up on that the twins are important. They’re not going to use these girls as some throw away lines. They’re going to come back one way or another. 

We’re literally living in their dorm. The dorm that Marlon put us in. They’re heavily connected to Tenn and Violet, two important characters I previously discussed. Then, Violet comes barging into our room and talks about them some more. 

It makes the gears turn, y’know? 

And with Marlon being very insistent that they stay in the safe zone, it’s not hard to question the story about the twins. I went through and skimmed a couple play throughs on youtube to this scene and a lot of them were theorizing that the twins weren’t actually dead or something wasn’t right, some cracks are starting to show. Why else bring it up? Marlon being the one to push the dangers of the safe zone and everything with Aasim... it’s not hard to pick up that he might be hiding something.  

The thing I find fascinating about people’s perception of Marlon is how they interpret his motivations when it comes to Clementine and AJ, and that can be tracked back to this scene. 

We all know that he’s planning on giving them to the raiders if they come back. It’s a hard fact. Brody warned us before she died, and dialogue during the basement scene backs it up. 

But the question I’m curious about is... when did this motivation begin? 

When did Marlon decide that he would give Clementine and AJ to the raiders if they ever came back? 

Because the text doesn’t tell us anything until Brody’s death, I feel like we all have a different moment where we believe that became Marlon’s secret motive, y’know? 

In all my digging, I’ve read posts about this idea, people giving their thoughts on when they think Marlon secretly turned on us, or if he was ever really on our side. 

One has people theorizing that Marlon saved Clementine and AJ with the intention of giving them away from the beginning. 

So he saw taking these two in and earning their trust as an opportunity to save everyone else at the school [the people he cares about] rather than have to sacrifice anyone else like they did with the twins. Clementine and AJ were just a means to an end if the raiders came back. 

Which is a rather sinister way to look at it and puts quite a negative spin on Marlon’s actions towards them - like how he’s willing to let them stay at the school not out of kindness but out of bad intentions, and every kind thing he ever did was to win over their trust so he could lure them out into the woods and do a trade if necessary. 

The line “Take this. I don't want you gettin' lost.” gets pointed at a lot due to how Marlon says it, the infliction of it, and it’s theorized that the hidden meaning behind it is “Take this, if you get lost then I can’t make the trade.”

Same thing with “Just remember to stay in the safe zone. We need you to come back home in one piece.”

Which isn’t a wrong interpretation of this. You can totally look at this conversation between Marlon and Clementine as Marlon subtly foreshadowing his turn, or betrayal, at the end of the episode.  

“...It's how we've kept ourselves from unwanted attention for so long. Well... For the most part, anyway.”

“I can't lose anyone else. We've already lost so much. Friends, siblings... I can't let another kid die. It could break us. Sorry. I'm just... There's a lot of pressure.” 

“What, did you think I was gonna throw you out?“

Then there are the middle ground people who believe Marlon didn’t save Clementine and AJ with that intention in mind, but it started to appear as an option to him either a bit before or during the office scene. Y’know, it came as a passing thought that ended up lingering until he acknowledged it as a solution to a potential problem. 

Again, pointing at the dialogue from before- him suggesting that he’ll do whatever it takes to keep his community alive... just like he did before. 

And while he gets along with Clementine and AJ [or as some would suggest, he appears to be friendly], they’re not his family. He isn’t close to them the same way he is the rest of the school. and if he has to give anyone away, it’s going to be them, whether he wants to or not. 

Marlon didn’t want to give Sophie and Minerva away, and he’s carried that with him up until this point. We see it manifest to a breaking point that lead to Brody’s death and, eventually, his own. 

Finally, there are the people who believe that the idea of giving Clementine and AJ away didn’t occur to him until after the incident with Abel. After Brody panicked and told him about getting robbed, then Clementine claiming they met a man with different colored eyes who wanted food, and the realization that the raiders could be back. 

This is where I personally stand when it comes to this idea. I believe that Marlon didn’t decide on this until he heard about Abel, and solidified it during the fight with Brody down in the basement. 

But what about the dialogue in this scene that potentially has double meanings? Well, I believe that’s the writers suggesting Marlon’s turn and motivations rather than Marlon himself, if that makes sense. Like I said before, you could take nearly everything Marlon says as some sort of foreshadowing or suggestion of what happened to the twins, what his true intentions are with Clementine and AJ, and what will happen to him at the end of the episode. 

That’s the thing- Marlon doesn’t ever go on a mustache-twirling monologue about how he knew he could use Clementine and AJ as trade if the raiders came back and that’s the real reason why he saved them, nor do we see him come up with the idea on the spot. 

Hell, Marlon never admits to the player that he was going to do that. The most he says is, “Shut your fucking mouth! I made the right call. I saved the lives of everyone in this fucking school! If they came back... I'd do it again!”  

Brody is the one who told us everything, and every time Clementine throws it back in his face, he tells her to shut up and threatens her with the gun. 

But from what I’ve tried to gather about what Marlon and Brody talk about in the basement before Clementine gets down there...

Marlon: “Why can't you just do what I ask you to do?”

Brody: “Because we caused all this, and now we have to deal with it!”

Marlon: “I am dealing with it!”

Brody: “By tradin' more of us away? That's not fixin' the problem, that's runnin' away from it!”

[I’ll come back to this full conversation later when I go over the basement scene by itself. It gets pretty dark.]

Which.... yeah. So, I’m not trying to say Brody was lying or anything just because Marlon never flat out admitted it to us the player, I’m just saying that we don’t know for sure when he made up his mind about this since the game never gives a clear suggestion for the sake of his dramatic turn from friend to antagonist. 

Did he have this idea from the start or did he come up with it during this conversation? 

We don’t know, but it’s interesting to look at the different views surrounding this question and how it applies to Marlon’s character. Because yeah, if you truly believe that Marlon had this intention from the start, it makes all of his actions in this episode pretty scummy. And again, that’s not wrong because there isn’t an answer here. 

I choose to believe that maybe the idea came as an unwanted thought in the beginning, but manifested into something real when he heard about Abel. He shared his plan with Brody, who didn’t want to go along with it. 

And y’know what... let’s finally get into the basement scene and Brody...

Continued in Part 2/2

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @easilydistractedbyfanfic (she/they)

what are you working on right now? I don’t typically take prompts, but after finding out about the Bellarke Writers For BLM Initiative and how their goal is to raise money for BLM via various fandom prompts that are requested by readers and written & illustrated by various writers and artists, I wanted to get involved. I’ve finished two prompts and am working on my third, which is a Murphy/Raven smutfic set during their years on the Ring. It’s definitely an idea I can work with - it’s over 10k at this point with a lot more to say, so hopefully the anon who requested it will end up pleased! Go check out the tumblr page and the ao3 collection - there’s various t100 pairings/ratings and you can choose the cause if you want to request a fic!

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? I struggled with this question! My stories are all like my kids, and even if some of them could use a bit of improvement with pacing or dialogue or whatever faults I see when they age, ultimately I do love them all and I’m glad I wrote them. I do sometimes play favorites but that often depends on what I’m in the mood to read myself. That said, I really do always feel proud of my story called What You Need. It’s a darker version of Raven & Murphy, but one that I don’t find unrealistic under the circumstances of the fic. I surprised myself with where my head went on this one. In a good way, because it was really fascinating to dive into the minds of who these particular versions of the characters were. 

I’m also pleased that I have over 500k on ao3 at this point. I never expected anything like this when I started writing, and it kind of blows my mind that this is my hobby now. It’s so strange to me that there are stories in my head at any given moment now.

why did you first start writing fic? I started writing in June 2018. Never wrote any fanfic before that, ever - though I did read plenty! I wrote three stories super fast, posted them all on ao3 on the same day and haven’t looked back. I think I started writing out of a combination of just really needing more content for my faves, but also I wasn’t in fandom before s5 and was quite desperate after s4 to talk to other people about Raven & Murphy. So I needed to get the stories out but also I had this hope that it would invite conversation when I didn’t know anyone in fandom.

what frustrates you most about fic writing? Just because I want to write doesn’t mean I can. Having prompts on my plate right now, I feel a real responsibility to finish them, but even when I carve time out to write, sometimes the words just don’t feel right. The muse doesn’t always strike when I have the time available. Also, it’s super ridiculously important to me that scenes and dialogue FEEL right based on the characterization I have in my head in any particular story. I can look at a scene I’ve written, especially an emotional one, and sometimes it’s just not resonating with me the way I know it could or should. It’s tough not to just push through and post it as-is, but I know that would never satisfy me, even if it means a much longer turn-around time on a story or chapter update. Often I will find that I get an a-ha moment that cracks open a better understanding of why a scene isn’t working for me, but this can take time and I have to trust in this process.

Not to preach, but it’s also frustrating when something you spend a lot of time and effort on doesn’t get much in the way of comments. I see posting fic on ao3 as a sort of conversation, so when there’s mostly silence even as the hits (and hopefully kudos) tick upwards, it can feel really...disheartening to feel like you’re talking into a void. And I say this as someone who has been fortunate enough to have regular readers who DO give feedback! I think every writer understands that they need to write for themselves first and foremost, but I wish more readers understood that feedback and enthusiasm will absolutely result in MORE CONTENT! I try very hard to follow this guideline myself by supporting and commenting on everything I read as time permits.

what are your top five songs right now? I listen to a huge mix of songs & my childhood influenced me a lot. 

Some floating in my head include - 

Chris Cornell’s live cover of Nothing Compares 2U Indigo Girls - Romeo & Juliet The Decemberists - Once In My Life Tori Amos - Silent All These Years The Chicks - March March 

what are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic)? I find inspiration in a lot of things, which I think is lucky. One of my biggest is the characters themselves. I love getting deep into understanding who I think they are, what their motivations are and why they’d make certain decisions, whether in canon or in an AU. What parts of their personalities do they keep when they aren’t tortured and under trauma on the regular? What would happen if I change this one scenario in their lives? I could probably go on forever just based on these sorts of thoughts, but I do also find inspiration in simple things like tropes, or song lyrics and the lore of the show itself. Quite a lot of my ideas in my inspiration notebook have sci-fi themes too. A few of my stories have already touched on sci-fi topics, and I absolutely plan more of them because I love how creative that can be. I also love the idea of suspended belief - can I have sentient plant life from an alien planet that can mindread & communicate by projecting thoughts into characters' heads? Yes, yes I can! (I wrote this story, fyi - Flora Incognita, part of a series) 

what attracts you to Murven? what first attracted you? Hey, do you have all day? Ha! Seriously, I could talk about this until everyone wants to strangle me! I loved Raven immediately - not so much Murphy! But I really disliked Finn, so ep 1x10 when Raven finally broke up with him had me interested. In that ep, you can see that Murphy is present, awake & nearby in the Dropship and probably overhears everything Raven says. Then he gets up and looks at her to make sure she’s still sleeping before he carries out his revenge plans. I’m not kidding - that one look absolutely and completely hooked me! Murphy was still awful then but he was so much more interesting than Finn, and back then I remember thinking how I’d really like to see them interact as two stubborn, strong personalities, because no doubt sparks would fly. And then when they did interact more, their dynamic was exactly what I’d hoped for and then some! 

I love that they’ve seen each other at their worst and at their weakest and most vulnerable, yet they’ve built a strong foundation of trust, faith and understanding. They have so much in common but they’re also different sides of the coin in some ways too. Fandom talks about Bellarke being the head & the heart, but to me Raven and Murphy are the intellect & the instinct - they complement each other, provide some of the qualities that the other needs, their differences improve each other. For me, nobody gets Raven like Murphy & nobody understands Murphy like Raven. Maybe not a lot of people notice, but Raven & Murphy check in with each other a lot - Raven tends to say “I got this” but Murphy is the only person who replies to her “Do you?”. And Raven listens to Murphy’s ideas and suggestions and plans even when she’s known as the genius because she knows that he has valuable things to say. They have fun together, make each other smile and enjoy each other’s company, which is in such short supply in this show! 

I know there’s parts of fandom that don’t ship them because Murphy shot Raven in s1. I have a lot of thoughts on it and have had quite a few tumblr posts about it. This is a fictional show - it does not reflect reality. I’ve been on the fringes of fandom for a long time and I know shipping doesn’t always mean yes, I want to see this relationship in real life. For me, I think it’s absolutely fascinating that someone Raven should hate has become one of her closest and most trusted friends. That she forgave him, and we as the audience get to see this dynamic change and grow, and that Murphy has always felt guilty about it even though he was being presented as selfish and out for himself - it’s such a huge, huge part of each of their character’s journeys. This is getting rather meta, but I don’t think either of these characters would have survived this long or evolved to the extent that they each have without specifically being around each other. 

And I absolutely can not discuss my love for Raven & Murphy without mentioning the whole way these two LOOK at each other! OMG have you SEEN it?!?? How could I not ship them when they look at each other like that! LOL! Also, I want to keep talking about this but I’ll stop now because I truly could go on forever and anyone who follows me already knows I’m wordy.

BESIDES Murven, what’s your favorite ship in t100? Honestly, nothing else comes close to Murven for me, but I did like Kabby before the show just eviscerated their characters. I like the possibilities of Niytavia still. I can see why people ship Murphamy in the earlier seasons. Definitely think Echo/Roan could’ve been something intriguing. And I’ve got this weird thing going right now where I wouldn’t hate Murphy/Russheda, but admittedly that’s mostly about the aesthetic! I tried really hard to like other partners for Raven & Murphy since they’ve always been my faves, but I’ve been meh about all the possibilities except Luna as a partner for Raven or as a Luna/Raven/Murphy threesome. At some point I might write that. Otherwise I’d say I tend to like the friendships more than the ships.

what are some things you’d like to recommend? I always hesitate to recommend other stories & authors because I can’t stand the idea of people feeling left out if I forget to mention them! But I would like to say that I really and truly love my fellow Murven shippers who read & support my stories and who create content like fic and art and gifs and fanvids. I find so much inspiration in them even though sometimes I can’t get through 30 seconds of a fanvid before I have to pause it because the angst is too much for me!

Since you’re kind enough to ask me this question and maybe a few people will read this answer, please - I recommend that everyone educate themselves on social justice and climate change and Black Lives Matter and capitalism and unions and what intersectionality & solidarity truly mean! Vote like your lives depend on it because THEY DO!

ed’s note: compiled a few resources -Rebel Well: A Starter Survival Guide to Trumped America -Jacob and Al’s Intergalactic Intersectionality Adventure -Get involved in your local chapter of DSA -Join Your Local Mutual Aid Group -Keeping Yourself Safe Online In This Capitalistic Hellscape -Angela Davis’ book Are Prisons Obsolete? -Resource about defunding the police

You can find @easilydistractedbyfanfic here on Tumblr, on Twitter, and on AO3. You can also a request a fic written by her via @bellarkefic-for-blm!

[project-rebirth]

There is something that has been on my mind and like to get off my chest for a bit.

To clear things up before I get into it, I am only adding my own two cents on the matter since this wouldn’t even be happening if it wasn’t for what I did. I would ask that you not reach out to any of the persons involved regarding this matter if you somehow know who they are. I won’t namedrop anyone involved and will just be adding my own thoughts on the matter since this again, would not have come up were it not for me.

Truthfully speaking, there is only one person who shares the blame for the situation at hand and that is me. A year ago, I did something that many in the RPC would arguably agree to be the height of heresy, and would and should be frowned upon. Person A’s response to what I did was completely justified, and I took full responsibility for what happened. Person B on the other hand, jumped the gun in some sort of attempt to defend me, even when it was not necessary nor warranted. They may not have known the full details of what happened at the time, (Which is why I urge people to look at both sides of an argument before jumping to conclusions), but that is here nor there. The fault lay in me for not explaining things concisely and not in time before people jumped to conclusions about who was really at fault.

Despite this rashness, I hold no ill-will towards person B. I understand that their intentions were to stand up for me, but those intentions were horridly misguided and unnecessary. If anything, that venom should have been directed AT ME.

I apologized for my actions and my position on this remains unchanged. I should have known better at the time and I accepted the punishment that was to come from that. For those of you who are wondering what I did, it was basically OC theft, something which many would frown upon for obvious reasons.

I will not make excuses to defend what I did last year, but I feel the need to explain what was going in with me during this time period, just to paint the picture of who truly is responsible for the events unfolded. 

This was around January/Febuary, a time when I was still fairly new to the Tumblr RPC and it was during this specific time period where I was under lots of stress, from a rather uncomfortable birthday dinner which added to my existential crisis issues, to the world situation that was developing not making things better. To add on this, an active mutual of mine decided to cut ties which left me  feeling awful, so that only added to the list of problems I was having.

I feel the biggest contributor was the fact that I was still the mindset of the fanfic I had been writing before coming to the RPC and thought that certain things that were okay with certain people would be fine over here --- which turns out that was not the case at all. It was ultimately hubris in thinking that a collaborative fanfic writing was the same as writing on here, and it was the height of arrogance to assume that someone would be okay with something just because we were close and worked on projects together. I should have asked instead of assuming and I realize my folly.

Overall, I was a very toxic piece of crap back then who didn’t know when to suppress his feelings and shut up about his worries. I should have been better than what I was, and the fallout from this is one of the biggest regrets I will always have.

Which brings us to now.

A year has passed and we have mostly moved passed the incident. (I still regret it but that’s beside the point). Now, it has come to my attention that this incident that was caused by my immaturity and arrogance has resulted in bad blood between the other two parties. Person A is justified in their anger and my thoughts on Person B still stand, but this has left me a bad taste in my mouth.

What bothers me isn’t the fact that Person A wants nothing to do with Person B, but rather, that this whole rift would not have existed if it wasn’t for me.

It is rather heartbreaking to know that I am directly responsible for the reason why two mutuals of mine aren’t on good terms. Had I not did what I did, had I handled the situation differently back then, like simply apologized then delete the blog it took place on before things developed into what it did, they would not be on bad terms with each other.

And this is a fact that I will have to live with.

This is entirely my fault, that two people can no longer interact with each other because of my immaturity, my arrogance, and my toxicity. If I had been removed from the equation and had not “created” those damn OCs, these two would probably be interacting with each other with no bad blood whatsoever.

These are just more consequences to the actions I made and I have to accept it, but it’s still disheartening for things to have developed this way.

I apologized for my actions one year ago, and I must apologize now. To Person A, I apologize for using your OCs without your permission and the pain that I had caused as a result of it. I know you want to put this behind you, but I still feel the need to apologize.

To Person B, I apologize for unintentionally getting you involved. Even though you did jump the gun and inserted yourself into the situation where it wasn’t warranted, and without all of the facts, I understand why you did it and that in your mind, you were trying to defend a mutual from something you perceived to be an unfair affair. Even though you are at fault for the things you said, It was because of me that lead you to say those things in the first place. I should have made things more clear so that you or anyone else didn’t jump to conclusions based on what you were seeing, so I apologize for any strife this whole ordeal may have caused. I would ask that if I were to find myself in a similar situation again, that you not be so eager to jump to my defence. 

And to both of you equally, I apologize for creating this rift between you. You could have had great interactions with each other, but those opportunities have been destroyed because of something I had done one year ago. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry it came to this. I am sorry for my fatal mistake and I am sorry for hurting you both. I just wanted to get that out there, first and foremost, for closure.

That’s all I have to say on this matter.

[anangelicday-mrwolf]

Wolfsbane : Noblesse Fanfic (post-ending)

(previous chapter)

Chapter 31 – Seed of Trouble

“I was careless,” lamented Tao in Takio and M-21’s presence, his head drooped as Raizel was wordlessly watching him.

Although the man was seated in sofa, they felt as if he were kneeling in repentance.

Takio knew that Tao did nothing wrong. So did M-21 and Raizel.

In fact, they offered on several occasions words of condolence, trying to convince him that there is nothing for him to apologize about, which fell deaf on Tao’s ears.

Nevertheless, in consideration of what had taken place, they understood why Tao appeared so remorseful.

“I should have told myself we’re not out of the woods until the QuadraNet is completely active. I should have reminded myself there could be situations during which I could be bound hand and foot. I mean, after everything that had happened with Crombell’s nuclear missiles, I...!”

That day they were supposed to record the date on their history book – the day that QuadraNet came alive for very first time.

However, they had to save the champagne for later because of the trouble that occurred on the same day.

The very moment when servers of Lukedonia, KSA, werewolves, and Frankenstein’s house were linked together, their databases were marred by sounds and lights signaling error.

Following suit, communications were lost, and firewalls and protection wares were dismantled one by one.

Tao pulled every measure in panic, to prevent anything resembling Crombell’s nuclear missile incident from taking place, to later find out that everyone had gone through the same phenomenon.

“But we didn’t really lose the server, did we?”

“We didn’t lose anything, did we...?”

“...We didn’t. But I’d say it’s a miracle that we didn’t lose anything. To be honest, I can’t believe nothing was ever lost. I’m even thinking that I might have failed to notice a damage on our side. That was how dire the situation was.”

And his words were no exaggeration or a bluff.

Their servers were protected in layers, with firewalls within firewalls and protective wares within wares.

Thanks to them, the sudden error left minimal damage on the firewalls, partially because Tao was extremely nimble with his actions.

Nonetheless, the fact that heavily protected firewalls were damaged albeit little is of no light matter.

Not to mention Tao, the master artisan in computers, had to force himself into confusion and toil for once.

“It’s a good thing I was here for us.”

“You mean...”

“Oh, don’t worry. Their servers are fine. So are their data. But it was very, very close, they said.”

Takio and M-21, as much as they were relieved, clenched their teeth tightly, as if silently protesting Tao for very nearly giving them a heart attack.

“...So did you guys figure out what was the problem?”

“Based on the pattern at the very least, we believe it was caused by hack.”

“A hack?”

“So are you saying somebody hacked our data?”

“By whom?”

“I said based on the pattern at the very least. Such pattern would be found when data are hacked, but I found no leakage or loss of data. I told you – nothing was lost in the first place.”

His two teammates nodded in relief.

“But...”

But?

What now?

Takio and M-21 let their faces fling the questions.

“When there’s a consequence, there’s always a cause.”

“...Are you saying the only reason why you’d find pattern similar to a hacking pattern is because there was an actual attempt of hacking?”

“That’s what I presume.”

“...Is it the Union?”

And of course, the very first name to take the blame was their sworn nemesis, now no better than a punching bag, though its tenacity and reputation were beyond any earthly imagination to be attributed to a mere punching bag.

“That’s the thing. I wouldn’t say that I’ve spent a lot of time at the Union, but I’d say I’ve spent quite a long time. During my time at the Union, I engraved in my mind every form and pattern of hacking in this world. Just say the word, and I can simulate any of them with my eyes shut.”

“Couldn’t expect anything else. So?”

“And my experiences and knowledge tell me that...”

Tao hesitated like a doctor about to diagnose a patient with the last stage of cancer, and he voiced himself with a wretched expression.

“Simply put – with explanations put aside, due to the level of background knowledge they require – if this were really caused by hacking, it was attempted from inside, not outside.”

At instant Takio’s and M-21’s facial muscles were distorted in different directions.

“What do you mean, inside?”

“When the four servers were combined into a single giant network. That was when the issue erupted from within – at least that’s what it looked like.”

“You sound like somebody among us was waiting for the moment to hack the servers.”

Takio whispered, wearing a face that was so blatantly demanding Tao to correct him.

To his dismay, Tao so very successfully crushed his hope with his silence.

Enemy within and betrayal are no strangers to the three modified humans.

After all, to Union they have been classified as traitors.

And it is quite common to see agents who used to pick on each other to bicker and fool around finding themselves obligated to pick on each other’s head, depending on their adherence within the Union.

However, never have they imagined discussing enemy within at this time.

It was hard for them to imagine that one of the men and women who were jointly against the Union decided to turn their back on the rest.

They first and foremost shifted their attention to the forces closest to the Union, now that they were discussing potential betrayal.

“Are you sure that the ones who were loyal to Maduke are gone now?”

“I’d say so, based on what Lord Muzaka said. I mean, you don’t expect anybody to remain loyal to that guy, after everything he had done, do you? I heard even before 1st and 3rd Elders invaded the werewolf realm, the surviving warriors who once pledged their allegiance to Maduke forsook their allegiance long time ago.”

“But since you’re talking solely about warriors, I’m thinking same cannot be said of the non-warriors.”

“Well, you’ve got a point. The werewolf researchers and doctors have rarely changed from the time when Maduke was their top dog. But I’d say it was inevitable. They’re responsible of werewolves’ health and physical welfare, so you can’t remove them like emptying and refilling shelves just because they used to serve Maduke.”

As he spoke, Tao looked particularly uncomfortable.

He knew now that they have brought the werewolf researchers out on the court, it was so obvious who would be on the trial.

To add to his trouble, Tao had enough witness to render his suspicions valid.

“Do you think that the head researcher of werewolves has anything to do with this...?”

“...Actually, that’s what I wanted to discuss.”

Tao began his tale, with Raizel’s ruby-red gaze soundlessly blazing across his face.

*****

“If you didn’t lose any data or server, that is all we could ever ask for.”

Tao sighed out a reply, the situation wrapped up somewhat; he looked as if cellular aging took place at an accelerated rate, miraculously embodying a face of a man at least 50 years older than he is.

So was Adne, Yuhyung, and KSA’s doctor.

Even Frankenstein looked like he was in an awful need for a coffin instead of a cot.

“First we’ll try to dissect the issue, so for the next few days, I’d like all of you to please be careful handling the data. Make sure to check the firewalls on multiple basis, and...”

With all directions dispensed, monitors blinked off.

Tao brushed his face with his hands and was about to leave, but a mortally disheartened voice snatched his legs in a halt.

<I am terribly sorry, my lord.>

Tao recognized the voice – it belonged to Adne.

‘Is the connection still effective? But then how come I’m picking up only his voice?’

Normally Tao would have hurriedly notified the doctor to turn off the mike.

Notwithstanding, he was transfixed, his judgment compromised by what had taken place.

And he stayed keen on the conversation of two werewolves for which he was uninvited.

<This is all because I am not good enough. I was the last one to regain connection, and I had no idea this would be coming...>

<I’d thought you gave me your word that you will no longer say something like that. Judging by what the others told us, we were the ones with the least damage – at least on the surface. Doesn’t that serve as a proof of your abilities?>

<But...>

<When Maduke had taken the throne to himself, he made you the head of his research team. And I’m sure he did so for a reason. In fact, you took part in most of his researches and even led some of them. As much as I’d hate to admit it, he did have good insights regarding personnel. So that just proves how good you are.>

<Forgive me, my lord – I do not mean whatsoever to deride what you’re saying. But I cannot agree with what you just said. You know how I was loyal to Maduke. I willingly became his faithful follower. He told me that I’ll get to experience the best of the best in research once I dedicate myself to him, and thus I gave wings to his avarice.>

Tao did not even realize he was almost crushing the monitor in his grip.

He was busy retracing Adne’s words in his head, questioning his own hearing.

<That’s why I gave my all for the QuadraNet project. I wanted to make up for my wrongdoings. But throughout the course of my effort, I could only feel how incompetent I am. I learned that my knowledge and skills are nothing but a child’s play.>

<Really? Then that’s great!>

<...Beg your pardon?>

<Now you’ve found a reason to give your all for this project. If you can’t be the best, you just have to be better. This is something I’d always tell kids that wish to challenge me, whenever they get frustrated and disappointed how there’s a huge gap in our powers and decide to relinquish their dreams.>

Muzaka exchanged a few more banter-slash-encouragement with Adne, who was increasingly embarrassed, before his voice glimmered away.

The lights on the monitors flickered a couple more times before all functions were terminated; yet Tao could not even budge.

‘Dr. Adne was the lead researcher under Maduke...?’

The fact alone cannot shock Tao to a dismal level; he already knew that the current research and medical team among werewolves used to belong to Maduke.

But he had supposed they were simply bewitched by Maduke’s grievously greedy propaganda. Or compelled to obey and serve because of his massive power.

Adne, however, was different. It turned out that though Maduke did sugarcoat his mind with his gift in mind tricks, the werewolf doctor voluntarily joined the tyrant in order to make his own ambitions come true.

Now Tao could feel how things that were used to seem trivial began to add to his suspicion.

Adne was the only one who experienced delay before they initiated the server unification.

He muttered that he wanted to be an expert in midst of their conversation.

And he told Muzaka that their damage was the least serious one, at least on the surface.

‘What if Dr. Adne in fact had not abandoned his ambitions? What if he’s lying to everyone else?’

Tao could not leave his computers for a while; he had seen and heard and experienced too much at the Union to quiet his doubt.

*****

“So this Adne guy is the one?”

“Not sure. For now all I have is suspicion.”

“But it’s too sharp to be dubbed suspicion. I mean, the situations all fit.”

The three members of the RK threw up huge balls of air in synchronization.

“But let’s say he really is the one. Then how in the world did he manage to hack three servers at the same time, at the werewolf territory? Yes, the networks were connected, but the servers are all managed and maintained in different styles. He would have had to come up with three different hacking patterns.”

“...Either he actually came up with three. Or he pulled some technique we’re unaware of. Or he has someone to help him.”

M-21 made Tao’s and Takio’s wrinkles much deeper on their foreheads.

The question of Adne’s loyalty was a headache enough, and they hated to imagine what would happen if it later turned out the werewolf doctor was not alone in this.

At least they knew one thing for certain.

“...Let’s keep this to ourselves for the time being.”

“Agreed. There’s no need to raise unwanted trouble.”

As the three men nodded in agreement, Raizel remained placid, not even blinking with a countenance that hinted not the slightest of what he was processing within.

(next chapter)

They say silence is gold, but we shall see if this case will lead to a gold mine lol

[plague-of-insomnia]

As a commercial writer, what do you get from writing fanfic? What do you enjoy about it? Not enjoy about it?

I thought you’d asked me this before, so I checked, and you did ask something along the same vein, and you can read my response here.

But I’ll go ahead and answer this anyway since it’s not exactly the same question.

I still feel similarly to how I did when I answered your original ask; fan fiction is a way for me to hone my craft without the pressures that come from commercial work. It’s also a “safe” and welcoming environment that I can use to explore other genres and techniques that I may not have the flexibility of doing in my commercial work (since I tend to write exclusively romance). It’s also given me a lot more confidence to write what I enjoy and relate to most: M/M fiction, something that I was attacked for in the past by gatekeepers and anti types (yeah they’re not just hanging around in fandom).

I have had a lot of negative experiences and harassment over my OW in the past, including someone who created multiple accounts so they could trash my novel on several sites; supposed friends who I asked to review my work and trashed it with the “I know this author” label which also severely hurt my sales; many people who harassed or trashed my work for including music (even though it was first person and very much what the MC liked), and other ridiculous things. Add to the toxicity of many people on Twitter (which is a MUST for promoting yourself as an indie or author with a small publisher), and I honestly think I just got burned out.

I’m slowly trying to work back into my various on-hold commercial projects, but it’s kinda tough to know the wolves I’m facing who don’t seem to appreciate how much work is put into the final product they read and forget that there’s actually someone on the other end of the screen. Also, unlike in fandom, it’s considered taboo to respond to reviews even if they are particularly viscous, and having to keep a certain amount of general positivity despite all this on social media is fucking exhausting and honestly doesn’t feel worth it for how little money I’ve actually made.

In some ways I feel like I’ve grown more as a writer in the past year than I have in the five or ten years prior, and maybe it’s because of the support of the community and being able to try out a lot of new ideas without worrying about if I’ll be able to sell it after months or even years of work. I don’t have to wait that long for any kind of payoff, either, which also can be nice, and something I’ve enjoyed about my serial OW as well.

Ofc the other side of that coin is the fact that it can be pretty disheartening when you don’t get the response you thought you would, or no one seems to notice a scene you worked really hard on and were really proud of. But that’s not too different from commercial work.

I had to accept that I have niche tastes, and I write for myself first and foremost, so that means I won’t necessarily have an enormous audience. I also know of that audience everyone reads for different reasons, and unless you’re doing literary fiction, most people aren’t interested in layers. (Not trying to knock anyone here just stating a fact; it’s perfectly fine if you want to read for pure entertainment and nothing more.)

I know I could write faster if I left out those layers, but I just can’t. There’s nothing more satisfying to me as a reader than seeing a carefully constructed story with layers of complexity in theme and character development, and that’s what I like to write too. And for those readers who do pay attention to those things, even if I never know, it gives me a sense of satisfaction.

I’m not sure if I’m even answering your question or just rambling, but for me the only real downside is that the Kuro fandom is so fragmented and I can’t see myself wanting to be anywhere else despite this. It’s particularly frustrating as a multishipper, because while I do write and read Sebaciel bc I enjoy their dynamic, I’m really here for Sebastian.

I can’t even explain why I am so drawn to his character in every iteration, I just am, and he’s the only one I’ve ever wanted to write so much who isn’t my own.

Fandom and fan fiction has helped me embrace yet another part of myself I resisted for a long time, so I’m especially grateful for that.

Tysm for your ask!! 💕

[its8simplejulesblog]

It’s Been 17 Days

Since I’ve written anything on here..I’m sorry. I think I just got caught up in the monotony of quarantine (and also I did a lot of tanning/ subsequent falling asleep on my porch outside) that took up a lot of my time. However, the pessimistic side of me says that no one really reads this anyway, so maybe the timing isn’t as important as I thought, and this really is just for me. No matter, I find that I can’t force my writing. I really only do it when there is something pressing on my mind and there definitely is tonight. 

(idk why the only gifs on tumblr are anime girls, but honestly I’m not that surprised) 

Quarantine has tested me a lot in terms of how I deal with my view of myself. I’m sure that’s true for everyone. When I have absolutely nothing to do I’ll sit on my bed and think about what my values are. I know that first and foremost, knowing my worth is something I value a lot. Sometimes I have to peel myself off of tik tok because even though I feel the best I ever have, it’s still impossible to not be disheartened by the appearances of some of the girls on that app. It’s so sad too because you can clearly see the affects that that kind of content has on its audiences. 

I think that something I’ve come to notice as well is that modeling was a really healthy thing in my life before the pandemic started. That seems really backwards, but I think that it boosted my spirits so much. I think it’s because I never went into it with the mindset of “I want everyone to feel like shit looking at a good picture of me,” but moreso, “I’m actually really happy with myself right now and I want to capture that feeling.” Working with Dom has been a highlight as well, because even though we’re promoting her business, it’s just fun for us. We put on Disney music and laugh and she makes me feel like I should be proud of myself. And, the beautiful thing about it is that everyone has something that makes them feel like that: whether it’s singing or dancing or acting or programming or mechanical engineering or drawing etc etc. 

Another thing I’ve noticed on tik tok: everyone..and I mean EVERYONE is obsessed with love. For obvious reasons, haha, but the level of toxicity is crazy. It’s almost like no one knows how they really should be treated and the bare minimum is a shock. The amount of tik toks that are about girls getting texts from their crush or being left on read or their body counts or makeup to impress him is exhausting. Honestly, I feel fatigued :) And it is nearly always followed by tik toks of girls crying and their makeup is running and they’re saying they hate men or they’re screaming about how their ex is a piece of shit and “look at me now.” 

I get it, I understand everything they’re saying. Getting left on read sucks, and it hurts, and you overthink it and think you did something wrong. But, at the end of the day, do you SEE yourself? You look ridiculous. One of my biggest lessons in quarantine is quite simply to let that shit go. Did I cry to my mom at 4am because I guy stopped talking to me for a day? Yes, but did I reflect on it and recognize that that was probably a waste of time (and sleep) also yes. 

In all of my blog posts the central message ends up being essentially the same, perspective. Recently I’ve chosen to see the world in as positive a light as I possibly can. It’s SO hard to do, especially in these times, but I’m holding out for good. Good attracts good. I like to think. If you sink yourself as low as you can, and believe the worst in people, then that’s what you’ll attract, and you’ll end up hurt. It happens everyone time. I know that a lot of stuff I write sounds so cringey, but it is truly stuff I have come to believe during quarantine. You almost feel lighter when you treat life like a gift instead of a curse. 

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my future. Not in an unhealthy way, because I like to be as mindful to what is in front of me as possible, but as something to get excited about. I can’t wait to (possibly) go to grad school. I can’t wait to travel and do good for others. I can’t wait to learn as much as I can about as many people as I can. I can’t wait to meet my best friend and get married and blah blah I’m just excited. I just wish more people would embrace the uncertainty of the things to come instead of back away from it (disclaimer that I recognize that this is a privilege I have as I notice that there are many factors that lend to my opportunities in this weird world we live in) 

So, when things don’t go my way in the present, I’m not going to say it’s not hard. Being an empath, I get close and attached to people really quickly and when it’s not reciprocated in the same way it really really stings. The key is not taking that to heart though. I know what I’m worth and while I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I also need to recognize that it’s just a fact that not everything will work out in my favor. And if someone is not jumping at the chance to talk to you or be with you or make you feel like you’re not worth their time then you need to recognize that that’s not a reflection of your value. 

I always knew that :) That was nothing new. Putting it into practice is harder though, but every night I feel better. (I also say this every time) but the people you surround yourself with tend to be a reflection of how you feel about yourself and I’m happy to say that that is true for me. 

Of course, there are times when some things just make no sense and you take it out on yourself; but let me be the first to urge you not to do that. You never ever know what is going on in someone’s life or mind. We’re all innately, primally, selfish, so of course we would think that we did something to provoke someone or make them hate us. Chances are though, it doesn’t involve you. The more I grow up the more selective I am in the battles I choose. Most of the times, playing games with people is not the move. If you’re upset, please god be upfront about it. You don’t want to spend your time on someone or something that doesn’t make you better. 

The second, and more important part of that though: leave it alone. This is something I struggle with. If I’m upset with someone I’m usually not “mean,” I’ll just make a lot of passive aggressive jokes about them. Again, not my finest moments. It’s something I’m working on leaving in the past. There’s no use bringing someone else down. I’m not a hypocrite. 

Anyway, in conclusion, I know that quarantine can be pretty lonely. I think I’m more lonely now than I was before solely because people are starting to go out and hang out with friends now (which is something that my family has definitely been more cautious about). At the end of it all though, I think I made the best friend I’ve ever had during quarantine (it’s myself, if that wasn’t clear) 

It’s so difficult to sit with yourself and be content. I’m definitely not there, but I’m a lot closer than I was. And even though I most definitely fo not talk to my friends 24/7, I know they’re still there. That trust is something I really value. And, while I appreciate it, I’m excited to carry my own weight a little bit better when this is all over. 

You’re all Valuable (Yes I mean ALL of you) 

-Julia 

[shaky-pen]

personal under the cut, feel free to ignore

I’m thinking about taking a break from tumblr for a bit. It obviously wouldn’t affect this blog too much, considering how dead it’s been (if you followed for CC content, you can unfollow now. I’ve kind of fallen out of the fandom and I don’t think I’ll be getting back in. There might be the occasional CC post if it pops up on my dash, but this blog will either remain mostly dead or become my vent blog). I’m still pretty active on my main blog, though, and that’s where part of the problem lies.

I talked in my last vent post about some of the issues I’m having with one of my other fandoms. I’ve taken a step back from those fandom discord servers, and that’s helped a bit, but I’m still feeling weird about things. And it wasn’t until last night that I realized why.

When I was writing for the CC fandom, everyone was so supportive. I had more hits on my CC multi-chapter fic than I ever could have dreamed of. And on my other fics as well, so many people were leaving comments and kudos. Even on my fic with the least amount of hits (about 1,400), there were still over 200 kudos and 20 comments, and there were obviously more on my more popular fics. Writing for the CC fandom, I got over 250 comments and over 4,000 kudos.

I’m not saying this to sound vain, I’m saying this because of how much the CC fandom rocked! You liked my writing, and you let me know. As an author, I can’t tell you how much all of the feedback meant to me. I still have all of the comments saved, and just last night, I went back and read through all of them. It really helped boost my confidence in my writing skills. When I posted a lot of those fics, they weren’t quite what I had hoped they would be, but all of the positive feedback helped me be proud of them.

This other fandom I’m in is nothing like that. It’s obviously much smaller, so I wasn’t expecting the massive amounts of feedback that I received on my CC content. But even still, where in the CC fandom one in every six or seven readers would give kudos, on my Other Fandom fics, it’s only about one in every ten or eleven. Where on my CC multi-chapter I received over one hundred comments--not to mention the feedback from the tumblr community--I’ve only received four comments across all of my Other Fandom fics combined. And on the Other Fandom art I’ve tried posting, I’m lucky if I get a handful of likes or a single reblog.

It’s disheartening, and it’s got me feeling kind of bad about myself. On the one hand, I make fan-content for myself first and foremost--other people can read my stories if they want, but I wrote them for me, so as long as I’m happy with them, that’s what matters. On the other hand, I spent months writing one particular fic, and I’m crazy proud of it, and in the four months it’s been up on AO3, it’s only gotten 100 hits and about 10 kudos. And it hurts. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, or that no one is interested in the things I make.

Part of the reason I’m feeling this way might be because I’m having a hard time with my depression right now, so I don’t want to do anything rash that I might regret later. But it still sucks. I’ve never, in any of my fandoms, had this low of a response to my work. I know I shouldn’t base my feelings on other people’s approval, but I work hard on all of my content, and it feels like no one cares.

I’m hoping if I take some time away from it all, I might be able to reset my mind a bit. You know, remove myself from the situation so I can remember that, oh yeah, why should I care what a bunch of random people on the internet think? But we’ll see. Tumblr is my main form of social media: it’s what I turn to when I have nothing else to do. It’s almost a habit to open it up when I’ve got nothing going on, and I do get a bit obsessive with checking my notes for validation (which, now that I’m realizing how much of my validation is coming from checking my notes, it’s sounding like a better idea to put tumblr down for a few days).

Maybe I’ll give it a shot starting tomorrow. Like I said, I don’t want to do anything rash, like deleting accounts or anything, but I think taking a step away from it all for a bit might be for the best.

[benlaksana]

Hope and hopelessness

I grew up as a Catholic, went through the rituals of baptism and even catechism. Which up to this day I’m not entirely sure what that actually means. This just shows how much of a Catholic I am. To be honest I never really understood why I went through all that, but I guess peer pressure can often take you to places you never intended to go to. This remains true to this day, although to a lesser extent. I think.

Interestingly enough I consider my family as half-heartedly religious. By that I mean, the only person I considered religious in my family was my father. Sunday churches, prayers before dinner, my dad was central in reminding us to do these religious chores. Everyone else just went with the flow of the spiritual (and moral) ideals of the man of the house.   

Although I was never particularly religious, and have now perhaps shaken off whatever Catholic/Christian labels I have left in me (not that I had much to begin with that is), I did always know though based on this religious upbringing that I was a minority in Indonesia. The obligatory religious identity written on our national identity cards constantly reminded me of this. However, I didn’t at that time understand the implications of having such an identity even if it was purely administrative purposes.

However, to be honest, my experiences of growing up as a minority didn’t necessarily make me feel like a minority. Even if most of my schooling that I went through in Indonesia, which amounts to a hefty 11 years of my youth, were mostly in private Catholic schools, the schools and universities were open to non-Catholics. And so, I made friends, very good friends with non-Catholics, non-Christians, and of course with many Muslims. The predominant religion in Indonesia.

This was never an issue for me. As my own late grandfather from my mother’s side was a Muslim and a huge chunk of my family up until this day are Muslims. The majority-minority labels and the baggage that comes with it were not non-existent but just unimportant in my life. It was a bit foreign or even odd if someone were to bring it up trying to solidify a magical boundary between us and them. Religion was never a hindrance towards building family ties, friendship or even my own personal pursuit in finding love. I think I can honestly say that building relationships with people of differing religious backgrounds was just normal. Mundanely normal.

I had the naivety (and to be honest I think I still continue to do so) that the difference in personal religious beliefs could always be transcended by the realization of how as human beings we are fundamentally no different from each other. Physically, emotionally and first and foremost existentially. Everyone had blood coursing through their veins, feeding their minds and hearts that gives birth to emotions that we all can understand and relate to. And everyone has and will continue to ask, some through openly written pieces and public discourses, some secretly during their morning showers, of the meaning of life or how to have a meaningful life or variations of this question.

Basically, I just saw religious differences as inconsequential in building relationships, again be it romantic or platonic, as we all are tormented by the same wish to understand our existence, our individual importance in a vast sea of people.

This somewhat fatalist view of diversity is I guess the reason why I felt that I could connect, befriend, be respected, and be truly loved by all regardless of their religious beliefs. Which then made me feel part of something bigger than myself. I had a sense of belonging with the society, my Indonesian society. My approach to religious diversity was of course, I soon found out, not shared by all, not even many.

Fast forward this a few years later and it is overtly apparent that Indonesia is embroiled in sectarian tensions and conflicts and it turns out, to my dismay, has historically always been that way. Perhaps not as alarming as today but nonetheless it is nothing new.

In the past few years, I’ve witnessed how some of my personal relationships with friends, neighbours, family, have changed. Outlooks on life, social values and morals have been reshaped through a more conservative and many times segregated lens. Collective ideas or wishes of where Indonesia should be headed have become vastly different. A widening gap of the social imagination imagined by the divided imagined community.

I find it sad if not tragic that my own academic research only reaffirms this, and it seems that Rara’s research so far also confirms this.

Truthfully, at times like this, I feel disconnected, disenchanted, alienated & most definitely I feel powerless. I feel that my connection with this nation-state called Indonesia, that my citizenship, my legal, cultural, emotional connection with the land I was born in is useless and pointless.

And I write this in English, not in my so-called native tongue of Indonesian. With the reason being English is the language I grew up with (due to the privilege of having a highly-educated family). English has become my most fluent language, the one that I am most comfortable with, it is the language I think in. If I were to use Indonesian in speaking, my brain would take a few precious seconds translating it before sputtering it out. It has helped me though to listen more, deep listening, that it in itself is quite positive I reckon. Especially living in a society where people are wanting more to be heard. If I were to use Indonesian for writing, it is a tremendously taxing effort, thankfully for this I have Rara to help me edit many of my writings. And I truly understand that by using English as my main communicating language I am alienating myself even further.

I am a minority in many ways aside from my ‘legal religion’ or my ideas on life and society. 

I do though find the innocence of many Indonesians amusing if not briefly alluring when they talk how beautiful Indonesia’s natural scenery is, or how diversely unique Indonesia is, or how resource rich Indonesia is blessed with and most certainly how patriotic Indonesians are with their red and white flags. Often quite excessively. Sometimes even drawing from historical footage of our brave forefathers fighting against Dutch and Japanese colonialism to make their point. They all seem to be blissfully unaware of the deep-seated issues continuously dividing Indonesians. Issues of religious and social conservatism, ahistorical understandings and normalized injustices just to name a few, so deeply ingrained within the consciousness of many.

Some might say then that ignorance is bliss. But then I would think that we would then be unaware how often unseen structural forces governs our lives. We would live life, at many times in anger, sadness or even despair yet oblivious of its deep structural causes. Then if that is the case, does knowledge of which give us the impenetrable sight to see these determining hands of our lives, also provide us with the pleasure of knowing such a thing? Does knowing give us hope? Is hope essentially about not only knowing more of the conditions in which we live in but also by knowing these conditions we would then find some form of solution that gives us hope in return. 

I feel more of a minority today than when I was in high school or university which come to think of it was more than 10 years ago. To have gained the knowledge to see how remnants of colonialism, a gripping hold of state capitalism, seeping neoliberalism, persistent feudalism, ever-growing fundamentalism, consuming consumerism, and a dumbing education system have all been rolled into one. This knowledge is either damning or enlightening or a sad mixture of both, reflecting nothing more than the contradictory nature of the human being. It is not just the condition of which my society is in that I often weep for, but the lack of progress within these shameful areas that disheartens me. I do in many way feel hopeless.

I am sure Indonesia will become “makmur” or wealthy in the near future. Economists have prophesied this, partially thanks to our abundance in population and our unhinged consumeristic lifestyle. But the increase of wealth does not automatically translate into a more critical, inclusive, democratic citizen, which we desperately need in a precarious time such as now. We would need much more than wealth. Nor does Indonesia’s damning current education system provide such a thing. Those who only actively support such a system, in whatever they do, I only see them as accomplices in preserving the uncritical state of Indonesia’s citizens.

What I then struggle with now is the constant oscillation between hope and hopelessness, the comprehension and acceptance of my current reality and the possibility of some kind of better future. I am looking for a more consistent form of hope.

Come to think of it, it would be foolish for me to define the singular nature or source of hope. Hope I’ve come to realize, can be one, it can be many, it can move wildly from one to another. It can evolve from one to many, or be reduced from many to one. Hope is everything that gives value to one’s soul. 

I guess this is where my fusion of social sciences, which I understand is becoming more grounded in Marxist-Freirean views on critical citizenship, and engaged Buddhism kicks in. Where I’ve noticed over the years has become a constant endeavour to find consensus between the two (liberation theology of revolutionists from South America is a clear influence to this though). As what gives value to one’s life, to my life, is what I consider to be deeply personal, a deep insight into the self yet at the same time intertwined with being more empathetically responsive to my socio-political milieu.

However, while my interest and empathy towards society is one of the main driving force of my social activities, what gives me hope to act towards societal injustices resides within my personal relationships. Especially my relationship with Rara. This I’ve noticed can become an issue. I often would think what it would be like if she is no longer here with me? What would happen to me?

I am afraid to lose Rara, as my life clearly rotates around her presence. That is why I fear the inevitable. What do you do when you have the experiential knowledge that life will end? What do you do with this understanding? What do you do when you try to escape from this, and realize that you will only eventually return to this. That there is no escape, only temporary forgetfulness or deliberate denial. What if I were the one to pass away? What would happen to Rara?

Rara is perhaps not only my source of hope, but she is hope itself. It is what the anthropologist Michael D. Jackson, while studying the Kuranko tribe of Sierra Leone, calls on alternative names of hope. Rara is the alternative name of hope for me. She is what gives value and meaning in my life. Other issues, I can clearly attest to this, are secondary.

I do though realize I ask these questions because I am traumatized, greatly traumatized by my father’s quick and sudden death 5 years ago. And I’ve realized it has been that long and I have yet to move on from it. I guess I’ve come to accept that there is no magic cure for grief, no magic drug that can easily lift this burdensome pain away. You end up just living with it, carrying it everywhere, every time. During your highest and proudest moments in life, during the lowest, most depressing moments in life. Both of which amplifies grief. One through the desire to share your achievements with your loved one, whom you then realize is no longer here. The other is when you have nothing and wish your dad, who you realize is no longer here to come back for a brief moment and give you a pat in the back or a nice simple encouraging warm hug. And let us not also forget that we carry grief most often in the everyday mundanity of life. This is why grief is excruciatingly oppressive.

But until another excruciating day comes, I’ll be carrying this hope close with me wherever I go, and whatever I do. My work has to have value and meaning and for it to have value and meaning it has to come from a place of value and meaning. I remain hopeful of the world and of Indonesia and humanity in general because hope is the only thing that keeps us all from being pointless.

And watching the world pass by, at times with elongated sighs, I genuinely understand how easy it is to fall prey to the bottomless pit of futility.

Rereading what I just wrote, that probably didn’t make any sense, but hey at least I finally updated my blog after a year even if it was just unfinished thoughts.

[alicemitch09writes]

outsider looking in is absolutely beautiful. not just because of its happy ending and overall love in the story, but in its undeniable growth from ulma in terms of everything and how tightly it tied the the three little foxes series.

suna’s perceptiveness has always been a given (stupid ass middle blockers smh) so him immediately taking note of mika’s superficiality is something that i shouldn’t be surprised with but is pleasantly so. to be honest, it made me so glad that suna has looked at yn first and has appreciated her; not mika first then yn as an afterthought. it portrayed the genuineness of his feelings whether it be about their friendship or his crush on her.

the details of this story is immaculate. and so, so heartfelt. him putting a band-aid on his heart and trying to hate reader which i think was just him trying to mask the frustration of her trying to act like she’s okay which was (in my defense) evident on that part in ulma where reader got sick and his emotions subconsciously leaked— a part that has always stood out to me because as much as suna tried his hardest to defend reader, it always come across as him not being okay with what atsumu was doing but that part has always got me thinking that perhaps he has something more that he is not letting on. and of course as mentioned, his self-hatred for not doing better. though, in a sense, i doubt he could do better at that point in time. sure, he himself could try more but it’s pretty much useless if the person you were trying to reach is not gonna reciprocate. at that point in their life, yn was pretty adamant about shouldering the world on her shoulders alone, so even if suna has reached out and tried, i doubt it would bear any fruition. but bonus points for him blowing up on atsumu, i might’ve fell in love a little harder and want him to tell me what you revealed in the preview (ummm??? jk... ha ha... unless 😳)

speaking of growth, suna’s growth is painstakingly slow but not in a bad way. in fact, it is very realistic how he handled himself and slowly worked on his put-up nonchalance and indifference and decided to be less of a coward for both himself and his first love. baby steps, as mentioned in the story once again. the way you handled suna dealing with the shadows of both their past along with his insecurities? impeccable. the parallels of his own feelings for reader with reader’s with atsumu. especially when reader’s a bit... how do i say this? oblivious to atsumu’s feelings for her still. suna as an “outsider” who can see everything that unfolded and of course, like we alr established his acute perceptiveness over things and he knew all along just how in love atsumu was— no, still is— with reader.

as for reader, oh my! did reading everything gave me butterflies. her growth is the most beautiful thing in this whole series. from her openness with her emotions and freely smiling, shedding the mask she carefully and professionally put on as a teenager. her therapy really did help her a lot. most notably, with her relationship with rin and her standing her ground and not giving up on both rin and her. don’t get me wrong, she’s still as strong as ever and would definitely put a shirt on people’s (she care about) back before her own but whereas before where she would’ve let rin get his way and give up cos a break up would be what rin wanted; she put her foot on the ground and decided that instead of being passive and letting the other party tell her where she stood, she chose to fight for the both of them if rin was not capable of that yet, not blaming herself for not being good enough and feeling sorry towards rin for not being able to do more. instead, letting herself carry his heart on her hands because she knew that rin can’t bear the heaviness of his own. but knowing that this time it’s different. because it’s rin. the person who loved— no, loves— her first. rin, who loves her first and foremost. rin who, despite the shadows of their past and his insecurities, is and will always be worth any risks on her fragile heart.

growth, in the natural and casual build up of their relationship was amazing. again this is all part of their growth. love in all its maturity. rin risking his band-aided heart to get to know his first love deeper and again since he did run away from them and his feelings. the casual but very heartwarming way he asked her out. to slowly progress into the strong relationship they have to going over each other’s house and finally moving in. [and also, rin getting called pretty boy is my favourite thing in the world idc! sunarin walked so all the other hq pretty boys could run!]

as for meeting the family part, i knew the extent of kaoru’s protectiveness. but even so, i did feel a bit of disappointment because kaoru, during this whole ordeal, was even more of an outsider. kaoru, uncle, mika, and mom was always protected by reader. kaoru even more so as he was the one who’s there and was also very close to the miya twins. and as a result, kaoru would always think that atsumu would be a better fit and end game for reader because kaoru has always been shielded from atsumu’s flaws, faults, and stupid pride. especially that promise atsumu made to him about doing something about reader when kaoru found her secretly crying in her room, not knowing that the cause of that very pain is the asshole standing before him.

also, the reunion! the seniors being all happy and of course, reader’s lifeline just being precious and glad that their baby sister is finally getting the love she deserves and more. ahhh, i love them so much. i wish we could’ve gotten yoshimichi and asano’s reactions too! ik yoshimichi will run her mouth but i feel like asano could be menacing on her own.

did i mention how much i love this and the growth of everyone? cos i love outsider looking in and how much it showcased the growth of reader, suna, and everyone else. thank you so, so much for another heart wrenching masterpiece. it was an amazing end on the three little foxes series.

(sorry for getting carried away and rambling so much. i am just so enamoured by your story and couldn’t help myself really. i hope this was at least coherent enough for you and everyone else to read hahaha)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS SWEETPEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU REMIND ME OF MY ONE READER IN AO3 WHO DISSECTS EVERYTHING SO WELL ;W;

As for the title, for some reason I thought of 'outsider looking in' and gave it a thought, realizing that it can mean a lot of things: Suna's POV as someone not from Hyogo, and Suna being an outsider looking at his own relationship, the overall feeling of an outsider, himself.

I'm so glad that you all are seeing Reader's development from ULMA, I was so worried that I didn't do it right the whole time I wrote it. Part of her theraphy to get better is Art Therapy, hence, why she does Shodo, or Japanese calligraphy, but she does it at her university, because there's a Shodo club and everything.

I really want to thank the writer of '16 chapels' because she wrote a really raw, vulnerable Suna, which was something I also wanted to try. I thought of rereading the story again, but was disheartened to find out that they deactivated/left Tumblr last year :(

For Kaoru, he has this blind idolization for the twins, especially Atsumu. So he thinks that he can never do wrong and perfectly matches up with his sister's uptightness. However, he doesn't realize how much his idol was the cause of his big sister's hurt.

As for the kits' reactions? Read here!

I'm honestly thinking of writing one last chapter, for all the fics but also give something for Atsumu, since I've bullied and hurt him a lot in this series. Just a send off of his feelings for Reader, his forever person and first love :">

Fun Fact: 'July' by Noah Cyrus was also an inspiration for me to write this song, because it made me think of Suna hoping that Reader would leave him, thinking that she still wants Atsumu and he's just a rebound. 'you remind me everyday i'm not enough but i still stay' did it for me ;"D it's also the very same line for ULMA, for Reader staying in the club the whole time.

[ugdigital]

INTERVIEW: Renn Tyler: Beautiful Chaos

As we work diligently at reintroducing ourselves into the media world, I spend a lot of time critiquing artists, and determining who I would like to feature within our pages. It’s not always an easy decision. Obviously, the industry is flooded with artists, and we have to be sure any artist being considered fits the concept of our pages, and just that it makes sense. In my recent search, I came across Renn Tyler, and I’m beyond impressed. Renn certainly has what it takes to make it in this industry, and it becomes ever-so-clear at the first listen of her music. By look, she’s not what you would necessarily expect, which h is more reason why you should never judge a book by the cover. Sure, we hear that all the time, but there’s much truth to the idea. You would miss out on an amazing artist here if you took the initial look and ran with it in terms of her capability. No question, she’s beautiful by all standards, yet, she doesn’t have the “typical” hip-hop look. She’s authentic in every sense of the word, and you would be doing yourself a disservice by not giving her a listen. So we had the opportunity to catch up with her, and it’s awesome that we were able to get an interview completed. She’s perfect for our rebranding and relaunch, and I’m excited to have connected with her. We’re also her first interview, which is amazing in itself. Check out the feature below, and be sure to give her a listen. We have an artist page for her here at U.G. Digital as well, so you can definitely hit that page up and listen freely to her music. 

U.G. Digital: First and foremost, I want to thank you. It’s huge, first of all, to connect with you. I think you really have something big, especially with the single “Nada”. I liked it immediately. I don’t say that about many today, and I’m in this place where I’m not necessarily the biggest fan anymore. Honestly, I’m stuck in the 90s and early 00s. I drive uber as a side hustle, and many of my passengers marvel at the music I play because it’s often more than 20 years old. It’s a little refreshing that you’ve come along, and have something that I’m eager to play. You sound authentic, and I believe it’s a good look. We’re in a bit of a reinvention stage, even though we’re seven years in, and you’re that perfect look for us. I appreciate that so much.

Renn Tyler: Yes, thank you as well. 

U.G. Digital: So the first thing I want you to do is tell everyone who you are?

Renn Tyler: I am Renn Tyler. I’m a rapper and an artist in so many different areas. I like to dabble in all sorts of things, so whatever I’m into at the moment, I just get it done. I’ve always been unapologetically myself. That’s kinda like my mission. We’re all so unique and powerful on our own. People spend so much time trying to define themselves, and I want to encourage people to do that. 

U. G. Digital: I like what you said. You said you were “unapologetically yourself”. What fans want is somebody that puts out the music they love of course, but more importantly someone they can relate to, whose life resembles theirs, and so on. They have the same ideals, or same principles. In the last few months, I’ve been in this place where it’s like “F” everybody, I’m unapologetically me, and whoever doesn’t like it, whatever. That resonates with people. 

Renn Tyler: Right. 

U.G. Digital: You were a poet before. What took you to rap?

Renn Tyler: I’ve always been a fan. It’s always been there, but I never believed in myself as far as being that artist. I just remember going to a spoken word event, and being completely awe-struck over the spoken word and the ability to communicate through story-telling and put it to a beat. What pushed me over to rap was meeting James and Darren. It was like a snowball effect. 

U.G. Digital: I think I’ve been a huge fan  rap, R&B, soul, rock, alternative, and just a lot of different music for my entire lite. Rap was where it started for me though. I’ve also been into the diversity of hip-hop and the fact that everyone who raps is not black. There’s always this idea of somebody being a culture vulture when visibly they’re not really a part of the culture or when they’re not black, but I really look more at how organic it is though. I would imagine, though, that people judge you just by the look, without even hearing you. What has been the feedback that you get as you go out and you’re introduced to people as a rapper? Do you get the side eyes?

Renn Tyler: Yea, I think it’s still foreign for me to call myself a rapper, and I’m hesitant for that reason. In the end, that is what I’m doing though. I haven’t gotten any crazy looks though. Nothing has been too disheartening. Mostly its people who have heard me or know me already. I’m kinda like a wild card, so no one is surprised that I’m doing it. 

U.G. Digital: As crazy as society can be, I think things are changing slowly. Everyone has their own experience, and many people grow up with rap now. 

Renn Tyler: Right. 

U.G. Digital: Talk about the material you’ve been putting together?

Renn Tyler: We have a couple other songs already recorded. I write everyday. I’m always writing, so there is so much material out there that’s all influenced by my life. I don’t think there’s anything written that is not an honest experience. 

U.G. Digital: I have such an appreciation for the artist that talks about a day job (laughing)

Renn Tyler: Yea, we gotta pay bills too [laughing]

U.G. Digital: Right, but it’s just cool to know that we’re all on the same page. I have many jobs, so I know the whole thing with it (laughing). 

Renn Tyler: Yea, for sure. 

U.G. Digital: I think it’s cool though. I love what you have put out. What do you feel you want to represent as an artist?

Renn Tyler: Like I said, just being unapologetically yourself, but I also want to encourage young women. It’s so hard to be a young girl in this society. I want girls to look at me and say that’s what I had when I was younger. I want to give back in that way. So being who I am, self expression, and communicating through storytelling. Being able to take that to the next level and make music is great. I’m communicating my experience which is therapeutic for me, but they take it in however they do and it becomes therapeutic for them. I love that exchange and it’s the power and importance of life. You’re not alone and other people have gone through what you’re going through. 

U.G. Digital: I love the poetic side of it. When you think of your Jill Scotts, and many others, this is something that’s definitely being done. What are your thoughts on hip hop and its current state when it comes to women? How can you help?

Renn Tyler: I think it’s going in a good direction and I’m excited. Everyone has their own brand and it feels natural. All these dope women are making the music they want, and they can be sexy when they want. I think it’s moving in a cool direction. 

U.G. Digital: That’s dope. I ask that because there’s so many women who are phenomenal, and they struggle so bad to work together. They’ve lost a lot of respect in the industry, and it seems like it’s moving backwards. 

Renn Tyler: I think we’re coming to that place of being organic and genuine. We used to want the larger than life artists, like Brittany Spears, but now we want to know the artist is just like us. Why do you ask? Do you think it’s going backwards?

U.G. Digital: What I think is the respect is gone. You have so many dope women, and they’re constantly at each others’ necks, for wthings that seem ridiculous. It’s changed a lot of the new dynamic that was forming for them in past years. I think you have the Queen Latifahs, and the Monie Loves, and so many other females in rap who have worked so hard to not only make it more inclusive of women, but to build the respect level for women, and you have women today who are so brash, rough, and unapologetic about it, and it’ ruining the work that was done.  I look at the stuff with Nicki and Cardi, and to me, there was no point in it. They have their own styles, and are both dope, but they’re killing the game with their nonsense and it overshadows the music, which truthfully is what fans really want. It makes people pay less attention to the woman herself, and look more at the unnecessary stuff. Like Missy Elliott has this new EP out which is super dope, and I feel like it’s totally being slept on. 

Renn Tyler: That’s so true. That speaks to the nature, like people want information so bad. They don’t respect it as much. I agree as far as the beefing too. Women are so powerful, and when they get together that power is insane. 

U.G. Digital: So what are your plans as far as releasing more material?

Renn Tyler: Yea, we have a remix that is being worked on right now, and I’m excited for that. Then I’ll take care of the music video. 

U.G. Digital: I’m excited for you. I dig that we are your first interview too. I also appreciate how prepared you are today. You sound like a complete natural at interviewing. I think its definitely your time. How can people keep up with you online?

Renn Tyler: On instagram, I’m at @bulletproofteeth. That’s normally what I’m on. I also do fashion design, and hand embroidery. 

U.G. Digital: I think it’s super dope. Thank you so much. Any final comments?

Renn Tyler: My single is out everywhere, buy it on iTunes and all online retailers, including Tidal, Spotify, and so forth. Make some Tik Tok videos to it. I would really appreciate that (laughing). 

[englishchinesetranslations]

I set myself some big monetary goals at the beginning of this year and as we get closer to 2020 I’m reflecting on them because I’m still a little way off.

But that’s OK because, in my search for more income-based success, I’ve learned so much. Last year I read Jen Sincero’s book You Are a Badass at Making Money and used it to change my money mindset.

Even though I made the switch in my brain, it didn’t filter through to my subconscious until about three months ago.

Over the last two months, I’ve made around £20k ($25k) in revenue and am on track to continue that success.

These are the kind of figures that would put me at my goal for the year had I got my head in shape back in January.

For context, at the start of the year, I was earning around £3k per month. A liveable business revenue for my situation but far from the big bucks I desired.

I will break down that £20k later but I want to share what I’ve learned from this sudden shift.

Money is a mindset

The biggest change I made was my head. I’d always thought that earning big money was greedy and that I should be happy with my comfortable salary as a freelance writer with a passion project side hustle.

It was a real process to get my brain to the point where I realised I deserved more.

After my first few five-figure months, I realised it was my mindset that had changed.medium.com

The Big Secret No One Tells You About Making Money

The big change came when I started listening to money affirmations on Spotify. This made a huge difference.

When you’re constantly told something, it becomes true even if you don’t believe it. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy and it can work both positively and negatively. This means that if someone tells you that you’re a lowlife and you’re worth nothing then that will become true. Whereas if you’re being told, at school for example, that you’re great and that you deserve money, it’ll be easier to manifest it.

Affirmations work in much the same way, if you listen to a money affirmation that is repeated over and over in your ear, your brain will take that to be true and you’ll start to believe it.

This mindset shift doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s actually a process. The problem I had was that when I was learning about money as a mindset, I thought it would just click and it would fall into place but actually that’s not true. In fact, it probably took me about six months of retraining my brain before I saw those monetary results.

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket

People often ask me how I have time to do all the things I do but I’m actually not that busy because I’ve been able to set up enough revenue streams for myself that I have recurring income. Income that doesn’t actually need a lot of work on a day-to-day basis. I automate a lot of my work, which eliminates some of the repetitive tasks that would normally take up a lot of my time (and once did!).

First and foremost, I am a writer and an editor and this brings in maybe 30% to 40% of my income. But I am also a coach and consultant within motorsport and this is where most of my recurring revenue and passive income comes from. But if we dig down further into this, there are a lot of revenue streams I have from these two sides of my business.

Firstly I write. I write for the Guardian, Confused.com, and for lots of automotive publications. This is the job I always wanted to do as a kid. I wanted to be a freelance journalist but it doesn’t necessarily pay very well and it’s far from regular. I could make more money from my writing if I pitched more often but at the moment, I let the work come to me.

On top of this, I am also an editor for a couple of automotive content sites linked to businesses in the US.

This is great, regular work because it pays hourly and I’m given enough work to warrant a lot of hours. On its own, it’s not quite a liveable wage for me but it bolsters my income on those months when I might be struggling, or I want to take some time off from my other projects. It’s relatively easy, consistent work, and that’s really important as a writer.

And then I have my motorsport business, Racing Mentor. The main goal of that business is to provide sponsorship coaching to racing drivers, and consultancy services to motorsport businesses.

This business brings me income in a number of ways.

The first is products: I have a book called Get Paid to Race, a number of downloadable templates that racing drivers can use, a whole host of courses (ranging from £12 up to £199), and a membership program.

Next is coaching: I have a group coaching course that runs over six weeks. I also do one-on-one coaching for drivers and teams who need a little bit of extra attention.

Beyond that is the consultancy work. This is the part that has taken the longest to build because motorsport is all based on trust. Now that I’ve been running Racing Mentor for three years, I have this trust. I work with businesses that either sponsor motorsport or work within the industry to help them grow their revenues and ultimately succeed.

And it doesn’t stop there because I’m also working on other income streams that will operate much in the same way as Racing Mentor.

For example, I am working on a book about imposter syndrome. This is mostly because I overcame imposter syndrome and I genuinely want to help others do the same, but launching another book opens up huge opportunities for me as well.

I’ve started to think ahead about the imposter syndrome courses and training I will offer to people to help them increase their confidence in what they do.

How to diversify

If you’re a writer, for example, you might be working for publications, maybe writing on Medium, and making a decent salary but what can you do to 10-times that? What can you do to ensure that your income comes from different sources? Perhaps write a book, teach something online, or start dropshipping.

The same goes if you have a day job. It’s not always good practice to rely on one salary because if you lose that job, you could receive zero income for months. But if you have other revenue streams, you at least have something to fall back on.

More money comes with more expenses

Yes I’ve made £20,000 in the last two months but I’ve also had more expenses than normal. Part of my money mindset shift was not being afraid to spend money in order to make money. This has been a really difficult switch to get my head around but I knew that I needed to do something big for an event for my racing business so I spent money on it.

So my revenue has grown hugely but so have my expenses. And while my profits have grown, there’s also tax to take into account.

I am an expert

I’ve realised that the thing people are paying for is my expertise and my ability to solve their problems. Racing drivers struggle to get sponsorship, I help them overcome that. Publications need an automotive expert to write on trending topics, I step up.

It’s not about the products or services I’m offering, it’s about the value I offer through them. This is an important distinction because people will pay a lot more for a fix-all solution to their hiring issue, than they will for an hour of consultancy — even if, to you, they are one and the same.

I write a lot about imposter syndrome and not seeing your own expertise is often one of the side effects. You’re never going to see yourself for the expert you are if you feel like a fraud.

If you feel consistently unable to achieve more, think about whether you’re struggling with imposter syndrome and if that’s something that needs to be worked on.

The learning continues

So now that I have money is my learning over? Actually, things are just getting started. Because now, I need to start thinking about what I’m doing with my money and how I can maximise this growth so my business continues to move forward in this way.

Reading articles about money always led me to believe that I’d probably just make some switch and be earning hundreds of thousands of pounds. But, realistically, I still need to continue with this forward momentum. There’s still a lot to learn.

Don’t get disheartened by big numbers

I see all these articles on Medium and other blogs about how people earn $250,000 in one month — or some such figure. And while I know that kind of income is achievable, it’s rarely the starting point.

If you’re a new business owner, it can be kind of overwhelming to see those six-figure numbers. So this is where you start, this is your starting point. And it’s mine too.

Often, before you can earn $250,000 in a month, you need to earn $2000 a month, or $5000 or $10,000.

It’s fine to have big-money goals but have a plan of how you’re going to get there. Aim to earn $25,000 before you aim to earn $250,000. Otherwise, it’s easy to get disheartened.

Enjoy it

The other day I took my whole family out for lunch and I was able to pay for it without even thinking about whether I can afford it. This is the kind of thing and the kind of freedom I want with my money and while I have that money I’m going to enjoy it. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I take that money for granted.

So if you’re in a position where your business is earning good money and you’re growing, make sure you enjoy that money and you do the things with it that make your life great.

My £20k income breakdown for September and October 2019

Product sales: £1200 ($1550)

Courses: £1000 ($1300)

Coaching: £4500 ($5800)

Writing: £3100 ($4000)

Editing: £5000 ($6400)

Consultancy: £4200 ($5300)

Event appearances: £1100 ($1400)

Total: £20100 ($24200)*

*Conversion figures correct at the time of writing. These figures have been rounded up/down for simplicity.

I’m showing you these figures in the hope they’ll inspire you to diversify your income streams in some way. I’d say I’m right at the beginning of a large period of growth in my business and I wanted to show you what those early figures looked like.

Remember, you deserve this. You’re the expert.