#and its talks like that that make me think Huh Maybe The Undiagnosed Whatever It Is That I Have is playing a part here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

schizosupport · 1 month

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Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"

I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.

this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.

I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)

Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

#answers

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bizarrebird · 6 years

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Okay so, to start this, for reference, I have watched Buffy: the Vampire Slayer several times and taken a class entitled “Understanding the Whedonesque” and written/read several papers about all things Whedon, Buffy in particular, so I feel like I’m at least somewhat qualified to speak on the subject so, here we go

I will put the bloggings under a readmore. And yes, I am very sure someone before me has done this better, but I’ve had a lot of wine and this shit seems fun, so fuck it. And yes, I do like Buffy. I honestly do. Regardless of literally everything Joss Whedon, it’s a good show and was very important (arguably still important) for its time. So this may be a continuing thing. We’ll see.

Diana Liveblogs Buffy (Season 2, Episode 1: When she was bad)

tw: this episode features undiagnosed ptsd, and the subsequent mistreatment and misunderstanding of someone suffering said condition

We’re starting with Season 2, Episode 1 (Because most of season 1 just... isn’t good. Like it’s just bad. The first and last episode are passable, but the rest is mostly eh, and I won’t be revisiting it without significant comment)

So we start in with Xander* (human garbage) and Willow (a sweet child who deserves better) talking idly exchanging movie references (dumb ones, like really really, dumb ones. No seriously their big references are Planet of the Aps (the old as fuck one) and Star Wars (also the old as fuck one) don’t worry about it, Joss still thinks these are smart) and talking about the fact that Buffy has left to spend the summer (after she fucking died) with her estranged father in LA. This scene shows, rather explicitly that Willow has feelings for Xander which aren’t (????) reciprocated, as he is still very much hung up on Buffy, asking if she asked about him when she contacted Willow. Which is of course the most important thing she could have possibly done in such a situation. (we will revisit later all the times Xander* is terrible about Buffy and several other people/things as we go This is the first of many that will be touched on.) Xander* mentions that he has “certain needs” because he’s a man. Wow. A man. Wanting to fuck a woman. How amazing. What intense drama. The fact that Buffy might not be interested occurring to him exactly... never. Huh. How about that.

*fuck Xander

There’s sexual tension here that’s really awkward (more awkward with the fact that WILLOW IS GAY AND I WILL TALK ABOUT THIS IN SEASON FOUR BUT SHE IS GAY) were Xander* dabs her nose with ice-cream and cleans it off. And okay, honestly credit where credit is due this could have been grosser with him licking it off, but he doesn’t. He gently cleans it away. AND THEN They are attacked by a vampire and saved by Buffy, who seemingly appears out of nowhere to save her friends.

THINGS IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE IN THIS FIGHT SCENE

Xander does push Willow back and tells her to go. Ignoring the macho vibes here, he is trying to protect his friend who he was about to kiss. I don’t give Xander a lot of credit, but this is a decent moment.

Buffy slays this vampire by pushing him into a tree branch. Thus she does not kill the first vamp. She pushes him onto another object that kills him. No trust me this is a big deal. Buffy has not killed a vampire with her own two hands for a while. Willow hugs her and then She then asks “Miss me?” as we go to opening credits

((This is important. I don’t care about the hugs we get after credits, we don’t know if her friends missed her and I don’t know how to tell you how important that is))

Buffy comments on the fact that neither of them are ready to deal with vampires “very sloppy”. Which they brush off, Xander* saying “that’s the first vampire we’ve seen since you killed the Master”. Buffy is immediately uncomfy, but they all blow through it. Xander* draws attention back to the vampire she just killed, and Buffy admitting that she went hard (”yeah, I didn’t kinda wail on him, didn’t I?”), but then that gets brushed off too. (do we see a theme yet???)

*fuck Xander

Willow says Buffy missed them burying the Master’s bones, and there’s this very close shot on Buffy’s face as she looks where Willow’s pointing. No one else notices, and no one else cares that Buffy is very obviously having a reaction to that and they just go on with their business saying they’re glad Buffy is back. (There’s a question asking whether she’s seen Giles yet and she’s pointedly ???? about it (cause she doesn’t want to admit to any issues) but that is a whole other Slayer/Watcher video that will develop as we go)

Alright then we go to:

Buffy’s parents putting away her stuff, which honestly is????? I think this plot would mean more if Joss got to do his actual version of the movie and Buffy’s dad got more screen time. But he doesn’t and Joss didn’t so this is just real awkward time that could have been devoted to my queen Joyce. Her dad mentions Buffy was distant. This is maybe because SHE FUCKING DIED AND NO ONE CARES. NO LITERALLY NO ONE GIVES A SHIT SHE DIED. THEY ASKED A 15-16 YEAR OLD GIRL TO DIED AND WERE SUPER CONFUSED WHEN SHE WAS UPSET ABOUT IT.

Okay, but this is not to shit on Joyce. She’s a good mom and she does her best. Please if you are for whatever reason only watching this show now, give Joyce a chance. She’s trying.

So we go to the school and

Cordelia (light of my life and sunshine of my heart this will make sense season 3 or when we get to Angel trust me) complaining about her parents not taking her on a glamorous vacation (this will be important later). Cordelia asks “is it possible to have too much character”, which is a great question (the answer is yes) and we’ll also get back to that later. Then we go to Giles and new (ish, remind me when hyenas ate the last dude) principal Snyder. There is an, extremely worrying comment from Snyder about how ‘every girl makes boys a time bomb’ (no like what the actual fuck Joss that’s so fucked up).

Snyder makes a comment about teenage boys turning into idiots around girls that ‘ironically’ (Joss Whedon doesn’t know what irony is) signals the arrival of Jenny Calendar. Jenny is the computer class (computer sciences???? idk what the fuck they were teaching in the 90s) teacher who helped last season with the destruction of the Master (a lame villain with like minimal buildup and a shitty plot, who killed Buffy cause fuck Joss Whedon).

Giles also likes her. A lot. This will be important later when the plot remembers who she is for drama.

Snyder ends this scene with the line “I might as well be talking to myself”, which HAHA he is. Isn’t that clever? Oh man, Joss, that’s a good one. So fucking original. I can’t believe this guy lasts as long as he does with the shit Joss gives him. No, seriously, look him up, he’s a decent actor??? but all he gets are bit parts cause of shit like this

Anyway

We go to Giles talking with Jenny about her exciting summer at Burning Man. Here we see how cool and ‘in touch with the youths’ Jenny is and Giles isn’t. Wow, how ever will they work out their issues? We just don’t know. There’s some marginally flirty banter featuring Giles picking up on the word ‘naked’ (so clever Joss wow, you are a wordsmith) and Jenny teasing him about liking books (she hints at him reading dirty books, or her liking them. idk what the real point is here) before Xander and Willow show up. Buffy shows up and Giles asks “how are you?”

To which she responds “alive and kicking.”

There’s a lot of fairly pointed stuff here about her dying and coming back, which again NO ON FUCKING TALKS ABOUT. But whatever. Buffy’s good. Like so good.

They quickly discuss and establish that the Hellmouth is still an open and active thing that they should be worrying about. Just in case anyone was wondering what this show would have going for it.

Now okay, Giles does try to be a decent human being here. He asks Buffy when she wants to start training again and clearly feels bad about the whole thing. And when she says she wants to start just then he’s iffy cause he knows there’s some underlying issues going on. But Buffy does insist. She says she’s ready.

INTENSE TRAINING MONTAGES

Okay so 90s montages aren’t what they are now, but the show does make it clear Buffy’s hung up on the Master and, y’know, the whole deal where he killed her. Yeah, that’s still a thing.

Then there’s some vamp stuff that like might have gone somewhere if the kid playing the anointed one wasn’t getting too old. But seriously in two episodes no one’s gonna care. Just worry about how this shit affects Buffy, that’s what matters.

And then Buffy has a dream where Giles tries to kill her while her friends sit there doing nothing. This is obviously super important, but again a point that I feel other people have probably covered better. But the essentials are that Buffy feels like Giles, and to a bigger extent the Watcher’s council don’t care and are actively trying to kill her, and that her friends (when push comes to shove) will stand by and let him do so.

We then go to this shot of Buffy’s window and SURPRISE SURPRISE when she looks back to it Angel is there. Who could have guessed. And okay like, this is a step up from Twilight. I will admit that. But it’s not as much of one as people want it to be. A 100+ year old dude creeping on a girl in high school will always be creepy. HOWEVER BUFFY HANDLES IT BETTER AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ON THIS LATER.

So to the point.

Angel is in her bedroom because he has an invite to the Summers’ house. This will be important later. Vampires who are given invitations to a house can use it whenever. REMEMBER THIS.

So anyway, Angel is literally the first person to actually ask how Buffy is. She does shrug that off, but that’s still important. No one else even bothers asking. However, when Buffy presses, Angel reveals that there’s other stuff going on which is the real reason he’s there.

Again, no one is asking about Buffy’s issues because they honestly, earnestly care. Just wanna point that out.

For what it’s worth, Angel does apologize for not having better news and for (at least I like to think this**) not having unselfish reasons to check in. And Angel does try to warn her about the anointed one’s power, which is... nice?

SPOILER WARNING: Nothing comes of this because the actor playing the anointed one was getting to old and wouldn’t work as a recurring villain.

This scene doesn’t quiiiite end there because (and I’m going to try to be civil about the Bangel moments because I don’t wanna shit on anyone’s ship, but god Angel’s the worst) Buffy asks ‘is that it?’ Like, quite clearly expecting more. That isn’t a subtle signal Angel, what the fuck

But he leaves with an awkward “I missed you” before Buffy can respond cause he’s an awkward asshole who doesn’t know how to process emotions. Yes, this is a recurring thing with him. Don’t expect it to get better. It won’t. Yes, Buffy deserves better. She won’t get it, I’m sorry.

ANYWAY

Her mom drives her to school, and here we see THE SECOND PERSON TO GIVE A SHIT AND SORT OF ASK BUFFY WHAT’S WRONG. She doesn’t do it perfectly, and Buffy doesn’t respond, but like... this tiny moment it a looooot for this show. Trust me. You will be amazed at the amount of “I don’t give a shit” that happens later comparatively to the two whole people we had giving a shit here about Buffy’s issues.

Clearly, by what we see, Buffy says nothing to Joyce here. HOWEVER she mentions something about Angel to Willow and Xander. Who are no help. At all. They ask about kissing (Willow, sweet bab) and groping (Xander, oh honey no, I see you Joss, I fuckin see you). So yeah. MENTION OF RELEVANT 90s BAND AT THE BRONX WOW WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE I DON’T REMEMBER

And then Cordelia (my queen) arrives. The show is blessed with her glorious, radiant presence, and we should be so grateful.

So Cordelia (my badass queen who knows no bounds) just flat out stats that she knows demons are a thing and she’s not afraid to admit it. Xander and Willow are trying to keep up the ‘all is normal’ thing, but sweet Cordy has no patience for them. Cordelia (wonder of wonders) says she’s still freaked about being around for the Master stuff last year and (WITH A VERY SIGNIFICANT CLOSE SHOT) tells Buffy “your secret’s safe with me” (which would be a declaration of love on any show between an m/m pair I’m just fucking saying). Buffy (who isn’t ready to accept that she’s bi yet) brushes her off, which, I just wanna say, EVERYONE IN THAT SCENE POINTS OUT.

And we cut to the Bronze (idk if that’s the most correct spelling, but that’s what google seems to think is cool) . Willow and Xander are talking with Willow ( a soft child who knows little of the world yet) saying Buffy’s different now and Xander (a gremlin) saying who cares. Xander just wants to ogle that sweet Buffy bod, which becomes apparent when Willow tries to recreate their cutesy moment from before and it shot down completely.

And I forgot about this moment cause no one cares, but we cut away to vampire biz with the Anointed Baby digging up the Master’s bones for some creeptastic ritual. He doesn’t care about his followers and neither should you. This scene would matter if the anointed one matter, but he doesn’t, so it doesn’t. The only thing that should matter here is that the ground where the Master is buried is consecrated, but that’s never gonna come up again, so don’t worry about it, no one cares.

Stepping in time with *COOL 90S BAND MUSIC* Buffy struts into the club in a dress that’s hot but like... it’s still the 90s so don’t get your hopes up for sideboob. Also Angel is suddenly here I guess???? This would be a lot less weird if he had been there in any of the establishing shots, but Joss is still learning here, I guess, and forgets (frequently) that Angel should exist outside of his love interest, especially if he’s gonna get a spinoff later.

Buffy and Angel say hi and it’s awkward and I would probably care more if I rewatched season 1 first, but you couldn’t pay me enough to rewatch that. There’s clear tension there with Buffy wanting Angel ti give more of a shit and him not getting it because he’s spent a hundred years barely being a person, and Cordelia watches because???? reasons???? I guess. Buffy goes over to flirt with Xander and dances with him and it’s literally uncomfortable for everyone because this is an aggressively clear sign that BUFFY HAS BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA AND IS NOT DEALING WITH IT AND IS LASHING OUT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO

Like I’m not saying that makes it okay, but this scene is a cry for help from Buffy that no one responds to. And then Cordelia (my sweet love) is forced to regurgitate words from Joss telling Buffy to ‘get over it’. Uh huh, yeah sure Joss, she’ll get right on that you dick.

And then Cordelia gets dragged off by vamps literally right behind Buffy’s back. Like that is the most literally of literallys. And she finds they also have Jenny Calendar there like ????? did they just snatch her and no one gave a shit???

Okay, okay, moving on, Buffy heads home-ish and finds the dug up Master grave which like... is in the middle of a regular cemetery and seems like it should have been fucking noticed by someone???? Whatever, all adults in the Buffyverse (except Joyce) suck I guess

AND THEN. Fucking then we cut to Willow saying Buffy has to be possessed for her weird sexy dancing with Xander. Instead of, y’know, the fact that she’s dealing with a lot of trauma and coping in shit ways and no one cares. Willow, I love you, but you’re not a great friend. Like straight up***.

Xander (a garbage boy wrapped in moldy taco shells****) tries to argue for a second before agreeing. Giles does try to point out that Buffy’s dealing with some trauma (which he has at no point directly addressed with her cause his spine is made of marshmallows and paperclips), and then Buffy shows up and says the Master’s bones are gone and everyone else forgets that she’s dealing with some massive shit. Cause wow, they might be in danger.

ACTUALLY I wanna point out a thing here where Buffy’s like ‘this is slayer stuff, no civvies’ meaning no Xander and Willow and like... given the response he has to Willow being in danger later, his response of getting super pissy now This is gonna be my first

FUCK YOU XANDER HARRIS

FUCK YOU AND YOUR GARBAGE PRIORITIES

FUCK YOUR CRUSHES AND FUCK YOUR ONLY DECIDING GIRLS ARE WORTH CARING ABOUT WHEN THEY’RE DIRECTLY RELATED TO YOU

ahem

Anyway

Snyder says some weird stuff and we move on.

We go to the library for RESEARCH FUN TIMES. Giles reads some prophecy thing saying they need the bones of the Master to bring him back and the blood of whoever was close to him when he died. Huh that’s interesting phrasing, or is it. A rock crashes through the window with a bracelet attached that Buffy immediately identifies as Cordelia’s (why do you know that’s hers Buffy? why do you know that bracelet?). It’s threatening and says come to the Bronze and is deffos a trap, but Buffy goes anyway cause fuck you not-dad

Buffy goes out to kick ass and I believe in her. Angel shows up and is all dark and brooding and no one cares, Angel. They don’t make out cause Buffy can do better and she heads into the Bronze (also there’s terrible foreshadowing about them fighting later and I hate it don’t look at me). Okay a lot of meta could be written on Buffy and Angel talking there but I don’t wanna do it

The trap isn’t for her surprise. It’s for Giles and Willow who were close to the Master when he died. Buffy realizes this and goes back to try to help them and gets there too late and Xander makes me hate him forever. He says he doesn’t know what Buffy’s issues are (there are a lot of them would you like a list fuckboi) and he doesn’t care (and yet he continues to call himself Buffy’s friend) if she had worked with them for five seconds (uh what five seconds? before or after she gave you all the info you had and then went to deal with literally the only lead) and he says, and I fucking quote “If they hurt Willow I’ll kill you”

Suck my giant dick Xander Harris. Maybe you’re a teenager and you’re stupid, but still. that is not the kind of threat you make to a friend, let alone one who fucking weekly saves your selfish entitled ass

I get this is supposed to be a moment where we’re shown he cares about Willow, where there’s a hint there might be chemistry there, but all this comes off as is spiteful and Joss Whedon shoving it in our faces that Buffy is wrong

She’s wrong for feeling her feelings

She’s wrong for not immediately getting over the trauma and hardship Joss fucking Whedon wrote her into

She’s wrong for not immediately knowing what to do to make things better

In case it’s not obvious, I hate this and don’t accept it, but LET’S PRESS ON SHALL WE

Xander actually takes a second to fucking explain why they took the people they did. We cut to Buffy torturing the one vamp who attacked her before (no one’s ever gonna touch on the morality here. like ever. like what the shit guys fucking Supernatural handles this better). Then we go to some... ceremony to probably resurrect the Master. Buffy plots with Xander and Angel “I’m gonna kill them all, that oughtta distract them”*****

And then I guess the ritual almost happens????? There’s not super much threat. The anointed baby runs away and Buffy eventually kills everyone. There’s some cool fight moves, I guess. And Xander and Angel are vaguely helpful, but they mostly let Buffy do everything

Buffy then goes to smash the bones of the Master and FUCKING FINALLY gets to have an emotional moment. Angel comforts her (he still doesn’t deserve her but like at least he gives a shit so... that’s good, I guess, better that literally everyone else here******) . And everyone else looks on and thats???? really weird???? Like there’s no emoting in any of the faces and it just feels v strange

We go to the high school the next day???? and Cordelia talks to Jenny Calenday briefly. Then we go to Giles and Buffy, who (because Joss Whedon secretly hates her which is my thesis for this project btw) says she made all the goofs. All of it is Buffy’s fault you guys. She did everything wrong. Wow. What a concept. Wow. Can you believe it. Because I can’t. I literally can’t wowzers.

Buffy goes to class and... has a moment with Xander and Willow I guess???? They saved her a seat so... everything’s fine now??? idk what the fuck the emotional conclusion we’re supposed to get here is so

Whatevs

FINAL THOUGHTS: All in all, this episode did have an important emotional arc for Buffy and isn’t a bad season opener. It didn’t introduce the main villains, but it did deal with significant wrap ups from the previous season and alluded to some potential conflicts down the road.

*My ‘fuck Xanders are largely as a result of a later ‘fuck Xander viewpoint’ but I think it stands

**For the record, I don’t like Angel. I don’t like the Angel/Buffy relationship. BUT I will give Angel points where he gets them. And right now, he gives the most of a shit about Buffy, so he’s doing decent, not great, but decent in by books

***Buffy and Willow both tend to be iffy friends when there’s a significant other involved. It’s a recurring thing and it’s not great.

****I am legit giving Xander more of pass now because he’s a teenager. He should still know better than to be the intensely shitty shit that he is, but he’s 16 now. This will change in later seasons

*****Okay but how does no one notice or give a shit that Buffy’s dealing with some stuff. She’s 16. This is fucked up, fuck Giles, fuck the watchers, fuck Angel, fuck all of it

******Not to detract from the moment but Buffy’s definitely standing on a box here like. Sarah Michelle Gellar is tiny and David whatshisface is a giant

#diana hush #diana liveblogs buffy #liveblogging #btvs #mostly nonsense #if people like this i'll do more #i just have a lot of feelings and opinions about buffy #i hope no one following me likes xander harris cause hoo boy #i am not kind to him

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tialovestelevision · 7 years

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No Place Like Home

Time to approach the mystery that is Dawn directly for the first time this season! Hopefully, we get them approaching the person that is Dawn here too. 1. Running monks! Run monks, run! They have candles! They are very, very scared. It’s two months ago, and someone’s trying to kill them. They have to protect the Key. Whatever’s after them is breaking down the very heavy door. They finished whatever they were doing just before the door gave. I’m assuming they’re dead. 2. Buffy fighting a very large vampire. And bantering. And winning. Dusted! But now she has a glowy ball. She doesn’t know what it is. Opening credits! 3. As I watch the credits, I’m eating McDonalds’s new Mac Junior. It’s not bad. It’s kinda a tiny Big Mac. I know McDonalds is bad for me, but it’s tasty and in this fallen world we take what joy we can. Especially since my favorite fast food growing up was Chik-fil-a, and they kinda spend substantial money on advocating against my family’s existence, so… can’t really eat there. 4. Buffy is making breakfast for Joyce. Joyce is still sick. Her problem is still undiagnosed. Huh… they’re talking about nicknames. Joyce never had any for Buffy, which doesn’t surprise me. Giles is opening the Magic Box today! Joyce wants Buffy to go and have fun, and bring her back a flying broomstick. Dawn complains that flying broomsticks never work. Dawn and Joyce have a book club, an idea to which Buffy reacts with horror. I’m amazed she’ll glance at a book without recoiling after Pat. Dawn’s going with Buffy to the Magic Box. 5. Magic Box! Giles is wearing a wizard hat. Such wonderful stares. Dawn comes in after Buffy. She’s impressed with the store. Giles has no customers yet. Riley and Willow just arrived. Buffy is showing them her ball. Riley wants to go with Buffy to find more balls. Dawn just made Riley feel bad. She’s taking the old Cordy “voice unpleasant truths to people” job. Buffy wishes she was an only child. Dawn broke something. 6. Buffy and Dawn back at home. Joyce’s head hurts. Joyce doesn’t want to go to the doctor. Buffy’s getting her pills. Ran into Ben. There’s also a patient on a rolly bed… he’s a little odd. He doesn’t belong there, and is calling everyone Fascists. Huh… it’s the security guard. “Doesn’t even help. Doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.” He was looking at the pills. “They’re coming at you. They come through the family. They get you through the family.” Buffy thinks someone’s doing this to Joyce. 7. In a building. There’s a monk drawing circles on a map. And door opens. He’s terrified… whatever’s after them - the Beast - is there. She’s tall, leggy, and very, very blonde, and the monk is trembling. 8. Magic Box. Giles sold a thing. He’s delighted. Anya can get Giles a direct line to the troll who sheds conjuring powder. And Buffy’s there. She’s telling them about the guard. Giles is skeptical but willing to help. 9. The building… huh. The one the guard was guarding. The Beast has tied the monk to a chair and is walking around him complaining about how hard he’s making her life. She wants to leave the universe because it sucks. She wants the Key. She wants him to tell her where the Key is. But he’s not telling her, The security guard she’s tied up is pleading for his life. Wow, I think she’s breaking time with her upset. And… she put her hands in the guard’s head and… something? She seems to be in better shape. 10. The Magic Box is VERY busy. Giles is being overwhelmed. Anya is working the register. Buffy is still doing research. Willow is bad at gift wrapping. Anya’s going to take that over. She’s good at things. Anya also knows about a spell to see magic. That seems useful. It’s dangerous but Buffy can do it, and Riley’s helping her with the spell. His insecurity is getting on things again. He’s doing better with it, though, a bit. Kissy time, then she’s going to do the ritual. Her magic circle is shaped more… oblong squarey thing with round corners? Dawn wants to see her do the ritual, but she needs Dawn out of the room. Now ritual time. I do love her shirt. I think the ritual’s done after a bit of a montage… so she should be all trancy now. 11. Yep. Trancy. Eyes all black. She looks lost, but she’s walking through the house. No spells yet. She found Joyce. No spells on her. Wait… Buffy’s looking at a picture of the three of them. Dawn keeps vanishing. Dawn is vanishing from all the pictures. This is creepy, visually, and very well-shot. Buffy’s upstairs again, going to Dawn’s door. Opens it. Walks into Dawn’s room. It’s supposed to be an art studio. Sees Dawn. She’s… vanishing, too. “You’re not my sister.” They were about to fight, but Giles called. He’s learned about the orb, which is the Dagon Sphere. It has a very long history as a protective device that wards off ancient evil - “That Which Cannot Be Named.” She’s about to tell Giles what she saw, but Dawn is behind her. Dawn is being creepy. Buffy says she’ll be back before Joyce gets there. She’s going back to where she found the Orb. 12. And she found Spike hanging out outside her house. She punched Spike. Spike’s insult game is off, and he was out there for a long time judging by the pile of cigarette butts on the ground. 13. At the factory. Buffy’s going inside. No guard on duty now. Of course, the Beast ate two guards already. Buffy found the giant door the Beast broke down. Joyce, meanwhile, came home before Buffy got back, and is looking for her daughters. Dawn is there, and made tea. Says Joyce doesn’t need to worry about Buffy. Buffy continues her exploration of the factory, and found a monk. Tells him she got the Sphere. The Beast is there… and just slapped Buffy across the room. Fight time. 14. Magic Box. Everyone but Anya is exhausted but Anya is delighted. Giles hired her. She’s very, very happy. 15. Buffy’s getting beaten up by the Beast. Very, very badly. Even full-strength hits aren’t doing much. She did manage something with a headbutt. But the Beast isn’t even slowed down. She JUST noticed Buffy has powers. Wow, this is the most severe beating she’s ever survived. She jumped out a window, and the Beast had to stop chasing her because the heel of her shoe broke. And the BEast just broke the building and collapsed it on herself. Buffy’s too hurt to get the monk away. He tells her she has to keep the Key safe. The Key is energy. It’s not the Dagon Sphere. He’s calling the Beat an abomination. They had to hide the Key. They made it human and sent it to Buffy to keep safe. They put the Key in her house. “I didn’t ask for this. I don’t even know… what is she?” “Human. Human, and helpless. Please. She is an innocent in this. She needs you.” “She’s not my sister.” “She doesn’t know that.” Oh god, monks, well-played. Utter dick move - like, wow, you’re terrible - but well-played. 16. Buffy gets home. Dawn stomps upstairs. Joyce asks what it was about; Buffy says “Sister stuff.” Now she’s at Dawn’s room apologizing. Wow, Buffy’s face when she starts to recount a Dawn memory. Dawn wants to know what’s wrong with Joyce, but Buffy doesn’t know. Overall: A lot of people don’t like Dawn - they find her annoying. But I actually like that about her. She’s fourteen. Fourteen-year-olds are annoying - and she was created, by the monks, to be a convincing fourteen-year-old She should be annoying. Michelle Trachtenberg is seriously great in the role. She’s actually the only cast member among those playing teenagers in the show who matches her character’s age. The thing with the monks editing Buffy and Joyce’s memories… ehhhhhhh. Buffy is meant to be a piece of feminist art, a story about a powerful woman who has agency, but it spends a lot of its time stripping her of that. The very nature of the Calling strips her of agency; she did not choose it. It chose her. And now she’s had another Calling stacked on her - the monks bored into her feelings and inserted someone into her heart. That’s pretty awful. Thankfully, Sarah Michelle Gellar responds to it in a way that makes sense for Buffy - immense anger at the man who did it to her, and, once she knows what’s going on, none for Dawn, who is a fellow victim in the conflict between the Beast and the monks. The episode? Frankly emotional, with some lovely bits in the Magic Box, including using Anya really, really well. Have I mentioned I adore Anya? It’s good, is what I’m saying. Maybe a bit triggering, but Dawn’s story is inherently so. The episode’s good. The story about Joyce's illness continues here, too. I think I'm supposed to empathize with Joyce, but honestly I've watched her stomp through this show spreading about as much suffering as any human manages, and it's not even funny suffering like Ethan's work. I empathize with Buffy and Dawn having to watch someone they love be very, very ill, but not really with Joyce.

#buffy the vampire slayer #no place like home #buffy season 5 #season 5

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courtneyalexandramulvay-blog · 7 years

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13.10.17

Sitting at a café overheard a meeting where someone said “I feel like all current art is fake”

Received text message from my ex boyfriend today of a photo of a bunch of flowers he had arranged himself in a vase

Last time we spoke was him sending me a message that said “I guess I lost everything in the divorce huh”, with no reply back from me

What is this trend I have set where my ex-lovers send me photos of self-arranged bouquets?

I received another one about two weeks ago of some very tall kangaroo paws in a glass

I guess I taught them about formal flower arrangements without realising

I’ve always thought I’d make a wonderful florist anyway so that makes sense I guess

Uh oh. My cappuccino just hit me and now I feel insane

Eating a chermoula chicken salad with hummus AND feta the only thing that could take this to the next level for me is a lil bit of pesto, right

I want to go to the beach! I want to go to the beach! I want to go to the beach!

My favourite story about my friend Jemma is that once she was so hungover and playing Mario Kart and she started crying when they were in the water world because she wanted to go to the beach that badly

I feel like some people believe that hummus and feta can’t be friends and this salad proves all those people wrong

Just like people that think you can’t wear orange and pink together

You can

Level of cool I want to reach today: Rose McGowan

Text message I just received from my grandma: “Mum sent me your writings. It is brilliant and shocking didn’t know you had to put up with such things. It is beyond words. Love you see you soon Grandma”

Definitely the coolest/best/most inspiring message I’ve received yet in response to writing about Harvey Weinstein saga/bullshit

My grandma is the last person I would think to be addicted to the Bachelorette but I talked to her on the phone last night and she is 100% addicted to the Bachelorette but she knows its fucked up so that’s okay

Feel like I won’t know the true meaning of home until I go to Scotland with my grandma

Trying to think of interesting things to write about and thought “what are some fucked up things that happened in my childhood?”

Don’t know if am stable enough to unlock that vault today

Kinda scared of being stoned again after last night

Things I ate last night:

Two-three bowls of green chicken curry, delicious, cooked by me

~half an icecream cake from coles with marshmellows and freddos on top

~half a block of smartie chocolate

two (big) pieces of Turkish delight chocolate

A guy I had sex with when I was ~15 at a Halloween party in freo just walked past me, didn’t recognise me, probably because I wasn’t dressed as a zombie bride

Remember waking up after having sex with him at my dads house in my step sisters bed, don’t know how we got home or how he got there or why he wanted to be there, woke up with zombie makeup still on, still drunk, put on my step mums black maxi dress and walked him outside and watched him walk down the street, that would be the last time I would ever see him until right now, 7 years later, sitting at a weird café with my dog and my laptop

Would he have recognised me if I was dressed like a zombie bride?

Am going out to dinner tonight with a guy I used to sleep with that may or may not have undiagnosed schizophrenia

He has told me a lot of crazy things but maybe the craziest thing he’s ever told me if that once he felt like painting his whole bedroom (granny flat out the back of his parent’s house) red so he just did it he went and bought red paint and a paintbrush and he did it he didn’t buy a roller and do it properly he just had a big paintbrush so now his whole room is bright red and splotchy and there are large and random brushstrokes it looks like a 5-8 year old painted it, it’s not a very condusive environment to have sex in

The best thing about having sex with him was that we’re on the same anti-anxiety medication so when I would sleep over and forget my medication (I was usually/always drunk when I went there) I could just take his

One of my following boyfriends was also on the same medication but used to get narky when I asked to borrow (take) it

Its actually the same guy that sent me a photo of his sad bunch of flowers today

He used to take 10mg and I take 20mg so if I had to borrow his medication I had to take 2 tablets, which I think used to make him feel anxious

More anxious

But whatever I made him dinner every night for a year and a half and the only thing he (ever) cooked me was an okay lentil soup when I was sick once

It was actually pretty good lentil soup which just angered me more because he proved he obviously could cook he just chooses not to

Because he knows I will just do it

Even though he is unemployed and sits at home wanking or on instagram or wanking while on instagram (or whatever, I literally don’t know what he did during the day) while I worked ~13 hours at a very stressful job and then came home and then walked the dog and then went to the shops and bought ingredients for dinner then cooked dinner while he sat there, still on Instagram, still wanking

I won’t do that again

He also threw my entire CD collection away one day when I was at work because “I never listen to them anyway”

Food related tattoos I could get:

Hummus

Pesto

Quesadilla

Burrito

Tortilla

Spaghetti Bolognese

Dumplings

The boy I had sex with dressed as a zombie just walked into an op shop across the road, day dreaming about what would happen if I walked in and followed him around, not overtly but subtly

Pretending I was looking for a zombie costume

I should definitely get a tattoo of spaghetti Bolognese

Hate it when I think I’ve written a hilarious text message so I copy and paste it and send it to like 4 people and no one replies

Just ordered a second cappuccino so shit is about to get real

My phone is on 4% battery and I feel free

Feel so lucky I have so many cool girl friends all over the world in all different places all doing different dope stuff

When me and my sisters were little and we had to stay at my grandparent’s house (on my dad’s side) they would make us eat like 5 slices of butter on toast and drink milo in bed before we even got up and then for breakfast we would have to eat like a million hashbrowns and bacon and sausages and more butter on toast, what the fuck, who feeds children that

I guess they were brought up post-war when no one had anything, my grandpa (who wouldn’t let us call him grandpa, first names only) still ate lard on toast for a really long time

I wonder if he still does

He also didn’t let my grandma drive, ever, he told her she was too stupid to drive, he said it so many times that she convinced herself she was stupid, too stupid to do anything except cook and clean and definitely too stupid to stand up to him ever

Brainwashed

He also screamed at me any time I shut a car door that I was slamming it

My mum told me the other day that he had a serious problem with noise

That any type of noise really irritated him

And she always found that odd Also, whenever he would see an Asian person driving, he would get really aggressive and call them a “monkey”

He hated anyone that wasn’t white

He hated women

He hated gay people

No wonder my dad is so fucked up

Once when I was a kid I dreamt there was a terrorist attack at their house and there were bombs going off everywhere

I used to be terrified of natural disasters and would have recurring dreams about tsunamis and bushfires

The worst dream I ever had though was when I died from eating a poisonous ham sandwich from a man selling them out of a trolley in IGA

He wasn’t a part of IGA

He was his own separate business entirely

I don’t know if you would call it a business

It was pretty low key

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