dallas-alset-auto

[mantisgodiveblog]

"Is it somehow satisfying for you to beat yourself up for things you couldn't be blamed for missing? It's not as though it's obvious - anyone could have missed it. Why do you assume that something like this is a flaw of the self?" I think it's a preference thing, honestly. Sometimes it's more comforting to believe that you are the problem (so it's in control), while sometimes it's more comforting to believe the world is the problem (so it isn't your fault). Sif takes the former to an extreme. Plus the low self esteem.

We know the psychology, in theory, but it's... hmm. Frustrating, we suppose? We've been there, we know how it is to be hurting for control so badly you'll shred yourself to ribbons for a single piece of it, but it's partially that that makes the thought process so damn irritating when it turns up, especially when we sometimes have to play whack-a-mole with it in ourself.

It's a theatre of destruction for no audience. Ripping yourself to shreds in a way that benefits no one and will only hamper you later down the road. You attack your every flaw, and for what? Making yourself fear to try new things for fear of the repercussions that you yourself placed. Making yourself believe you are worse. Sabotaging your own chances just to pretend that you call the shots in a world that never worked in the way you pretend it does.

The more that you do anything, the more it becomes a habit, the more you take the cart down a road that wears and wears until the wheel-ruts are too deep to get out of, and when that habit is something that actively sabotages your chance to get things right, it does nothing but harm you.

Yelling at it isn't productive, either, it gets nothing done, but it is immensely frustrating to watch that go down, because it's an endless mud pit of feeling bad that doesn't even accomplish anything but making everyone in the area feel worse. It's the particular flavor of poor mental health where having experienced it ourself makes us a bit worse at dealing with it, because - well, we've experienced it ourself, and now we have to deal with watching someone dig a pit for themself and we can't even do anything about it because it's the sort of thing that they actuvely have to figure out and take action to handle themself.

[whelvenwings]

So I just saw that post on laziness that you reblogged and I was wondering what your thoughts are on laziness vs procrastination? Because I'm going through a particularly bad round of procrastination, but I don't feel like it's borne out of laziness (which to me, is more of "I don't feel like doing this immediately but I will do it soon"). Whereas procrastination is constantly postponing something but never being able to convince my brain to actually do the task (also any tips on tackling this?)

Hello anon!! Yes hello good hi. first of all, ugh, I’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time with procrastination lately. it’s rough and I hope it eases up for you.

hmmmm yes, so, laziness and procrastination. WELL. hmm. OKAY. these thoughts might be a bit all over the place, so I hope you’ll bear with me as I ramble on a bit. or a lot. probably a lot! I have a lot of thoughts about it all.

so I think I’d start off by saying that I kind of don’t believe in laziness. 

it’s like... for me, laziness is... chronically choosing not to do something that you know you should do, even though that thing is entirely doable for you. that is to say, you have the time for a task, the skills for it, and the ability to motivate yourself to do it - but you regularly choose not to do it.

the key element here is choice. for me, laziness implies not just that a task isn’t done - it implies you could’ve done it, and then you chose not to. but to be able to choose not to do something, that thing has to be completely possible in the first place, right? we wouldn’t say we choose not to fly, we say that we can’t do it, it’s not possible for us. every day that I walk around instead of flying, I’m not being lazy, I’m just not doing something that’s outside my capability. very often (I’d argue always) when we regularly don’t do something, it’s because we cannot do it. it’s not a choice not to do it, because there’s something going on that makes the task impossible in our status quo. I think our ideas about what we can and can’t do, and how serious a barrier it is to not be able to motivate ourselves, are often really skewed by comparison with others. if I lived in a world populated only by birds, maybe I’d think I was procrastinating on flying.

the thing that briefly breaks me out of a procrastination loop is usually panic at the promise of Bad Consequences, i.e. my brain is finally convinced of the importance of the task, but this is a quick one-off fix that doesn’t help the chronic issue, so next time I have to do the same task I’ll follow the same pattern of putting it off until Total Panic Time. and at a certain point, even the Bad Consequences just aren’t enough motivation, and I simply can’t do the task. often I am in distress at not being able to do the task. just as often, the distress is a contributing factor in the task not getting done for longer.

the issue that makes the task not doable for me tends to vary a lot depending on the situation. and I think a lot of people have it the same way, where different issues crop up with different tasks.

- so like sometimes it’s a Success Elsewhere issue. you just can’t believe you can actually decently do the thing you have to do, so you go work at something else that you think you can succeed at. “lazy” to me implies a lack of effort, right? and yet with this one, the things that you do instead of homework or chores or whatever, they often take plenty of effort. like you’re kicking ass at video games, pouring hours into it, because the game makes you feel like you really could be the best!! it’s worth the effort because you get rewards! you’re working, just not at the thing you Should be doing, because you can’t believe working on that thing will lead to any reward/success.

- sometimes it’s a Why Does It Matter issue. sometimes you just aren’t convinced enough that the reward of doing a task is worth the work it’ll take, because you can clearly see that the world is in crisis and it’s exceptionally hard to believe that, say, homework matters when everything feels like it’s on fire.

- sometimes it’s a Fuck You Anyway issue. a lot of people feel alienated by the society we live in, the same society that says hey, you have to do homework, you have to succeed at university, you have to get these grades, you have to be polite, you can’t get angry, you have to respond to emails, you have to do this specific kind of job to make good money or else you won’t have enough. when an authority you don’t trust/a system that is clearly broken tries to shove you into doing something, sometimes you don’t want to bloody do it, you know? sometimes you don’t want to do the small tasks that build up into following a path you don’t believe in.

- sometimes it’s a The World Has Swept Me This Far, What, Are You Saying I Have to Do Things for Myself Now issue. between parents and teachers and societal expectations, a person can go surprisingly far in this world just kind of keeping to the course that other people decide for them. but the map always has edges, right? eventually people stop having a plan for you and you’re quite suddenly expected to know exactly what to do with yourself, and just become a success with the opportunities you’ve been given, but you have no clue whatsoever how to do that. doing nothing in this instance isn’t laziness, it’s not that you want to sit and stagnate - it’s just that you’re doing exactly what you’ve always done: what you’re being guided to do. the only difference is that now you’re not being guided to do anything, so you don’t do anything. you have no idea how to flex the muscles of personal choice; you don’t even know if you have them.

- sometimes it’s a Distraction issue. again, for a huge amount of people, the world is pretty garbage right now. and sometimes you’re clinging on via the happy hormone hit you get when you do something fun, so doing something hard/boring feels like it would push you too far. or sometimes the hard/boring task doesn’t absorb enough of your attention, leaving way too much space for your brain to talk to itself and spiral out of control with bad thoughts and feelings, which it won’t do if you’re watching videos or scrolling on your phone or hanging out with friends etc. given how tailored our brain hormones naturally are to finding the shortest path to happiness, and how relatively easy it is in our culture to find short-term happiness via the internet, I don’t find it surprising that a lot of people just literally cannot engage with doing difficult, boring tasks when there’s a small burst of happiness just one tap away. 

- sometimes it’s an Energy issue. bad mental health is a motivation killer. battling depression or anxiety or another mental health issue just leeches away your reserves for other things. you don’t have the spoons for doing a task, but people with more spoons will look at you not doing it and call you lazy - because for them, the task is doable, and they don’t get that for you it is not.

UGH MAN there’s so much more to it than just these separate scenarios, they all interweave and there are loads more of them, and I want to talk about how being neurodivergent affects these things and how being queer affects it too imo, but I feel like I could go on and on forever so I’ll leave it at that. my point is, I think both procrastination and so-called laziness start when for some reason, a task isn’t doable for you. so the key is figuring out why the task isn’t doable, and changing something, and then hopefully being able to chug away at it!

some things that have helped me are:

- getting little bits of help - when my mum and I hang out, she’ll sometimes just sit and chat to me while I clean around her because it’s doable for me while she’s there. collaboration can ease a lot of procrastination woes for me.

- instead of telling myself “I have to do this”, I tell myself “I deserve to have this done”. so like, instead of “I have to clean the bathroom”, it’s “I deserve to live in a clean house”. instead of “I have to do this essay for homework”, it should have been “I deserve to be able to show the skills I have, and get help from my teachers in the places where I have holes in my understanding”. it’s just like, less focus on the dumb task and more focus on the goal that I’ll achieve by doing the task, with a healthy dose of self-validation on the side.

- if the problem’s really chronic and affecting your life in a pretty major way, maybe it’s time to look into whether there’s an underlying issue with the way your brain focuses? I’m autistic, and I have friends with ADHD, and the way our brains focus/don’t focus on things can be hard to manage at times - but understanding what’s going on inside the old brainspace and reading about how other people handle the same things can be a really good way to start breaking the cycle of procrastination.