#and like also this whole thing gave me a massive dose of dysphoria so like

[raeathnos]

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[tarapocalypse]

Losing loved ones during transition

So I haven’t made a post in a while. For whatever reason, I just haven’t had the energy or the inspiration to write anything on here. But that’s changed now. I want to talk a little bit about losing someone you care about after starting to transition.

My grandmother has been really sick for the past few months. No one has been able to figure out what’s wrong with her (they’ve just known she has a very large mass in her right lung that is causing all sorts of problems, but still do not know what that mass is). She’s spent the last week on a ventilator in the ICU. Tonight my family sat down and made the unanimous decision to let her die. She made it very clear from the start of all this that she does not want to live if it’s going to mean a poor quality of life (which, according to the doctor, that’s what she’d be looking at if she was somehow able to recover) and we all decided that we should honor that wish. 

I’m crushed. Shattered. Broken. I can’t seem to make myself stop crying for more than 20 minutes at a time. I love my grandmother. She’s one of the nicest people in the world. She’s made me two beautiful quilts; she’s helped me out of more financial binds than I care to admit; she gave me a place to stay when I lost my job at age 20; she’s helped me in numerous ways throughout the course of my life. And even though her and I were never extremely close–we definitely weren’t best friends who told each other everything–I love and care about her deeply. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want her to be gone. But the thing that’s hitting me the hardest–what feels like a punch to the stomach every time I think about it–is the thought that she’s never going to be able to know the real me. 

There have been short bursts of time in my life where I have been happy, when I was distracted from my thoughts, and the world didn’t feel like a vortex of crushing darkness, but up until this year, those moments have always been fleeting. I’m told by my family members that I was “always so happy” as a little kid, but I don’t even know if that is true. I think I may have been hiding my real emotions even as a kid. Even though I couldn’t name what it was, I’ve always had gender dysphoria, and I’ve always had a horrendously low self-esteem. Growing up, I was completely and utterly convinced that I had no friends, that the people who I hung out with at school merely put up with my presence but didn’t actually like me; I thought I was unclean in some unseeable way, and that no one would ever want to touch me or be touched by me; I thought I was hideous, and that no one would ever find me attractive; I thought no one would ever fall in love with me; I considered killing myself every single day from the age of 14 to 27. I always hid these thoughts and emotions under a mask and never let anyone but a select few ever see them, and I always felt like a big part of myself was being completely obfuscated by this swirling darkness I could never seem to make go away. I was horribly, horribly unhappy and that made me extraordinarily cynical and spiteful and selfish and an all-around asshole to pretty much everyone. 

But that darkness is finally receding. It’s starting to lose its grip on my mind, and I’m beginning to feel my way of thinking and the way in which I view the world begin to change. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a cynic. I’m still bitter. And now I have a large dose of constant fear that I experience daily. But I’ve also experienced a massive mental shift: I’m no longer suicidal; I do my best to be kind to everyone I interact with, and find it easier to do than ever before; I’m starting to finally recognize my own reflection, and I’m beginning to no longer believe I’m some horrible, disgusting, monster. I feel like I’m finally mentally becoming the person that I should have been my whole life. 

And my grandmother will never get to know this person. And that makes me deeply,  unbelievably sad.