#and more importantly!!!! i have social anxiety!!!! im gonna die!!!!!

[florida3exclamationpoints]

I'm gonna throw up rn thinking about work tomorrow 🤪

[dainty-white-rose]

my story (tw)

i havent been on this account since i was in 6th grade. ive come a long way since then. i am now in 10th grade and i recenctly relapsed into my old ed. but this time its worse. i am now suffering with bulimia. i also relapsed in october 2020 with self harm. during the time i made this account i was suffering with really really bad depression. i was suffering up until 9th grade. i turned to substance abuse to help me escape my depression.  it was helping me so much during that time. i wasnt depressed all the time anymore and all my axiety/social anxiety went away and most importantly i loved my body and my ed went away. it was all fun and shit until i became dependant on drugs to make me feel happy. i have been smoking and vaping for a little over a year now. i would get so high out of my mind that i couldnt even stay concious. i knew my problem was getting out of hand but i couldnt stop it no matter how i tried. whenever i couldnt get high to escape my depression i would find other ways to get high. i tried dxm for the first time in early novemeber. i loved it and i also loved the fact that it was over the counter. i was doing research about it and i found this website that had the different plataues of using dxm. i wanted to get to the third plataue. the third plataue was between 400-600 mg. it said that it had similar experiences to ketamine and smoking pcp. i was excited to find out what the third plataue felt like. i bought 3 bottles of dxm. 15 pills in each and each pill was 15mg. i took 2 whole bottles and 3 from the third one. i think i took like 560 mg. i was on ft with my bf during the time i was overdosing. let me tell you od is not fun at all. my pupils were dialted to the point where i couldnt see anything my vision was super fucking blurry. i also kept throwing up and blacking out. i was playing among us with him and his friends and it literally took me 10 minutes to type in the code and even when i did get into the game i kept blacking out during it. my bf was obviously getting really worried about me so he told me to text my sister. (btw a little bit of this is from my memory because i do remember a little bit about what happened that night but most of it is from my bf or my sister). i texted my sister and i was texting her random letters trying to type something out idk what maybe help but i couldnt see shit at all and kept blacking out during that too. my sister went to go check on me and i woke up with her next to me telling me it will be okay and that im just having a bad trip. i kept asking my sister did i throw up over and over again because i kept forgetting and blacking  out. i couldnt stop throwing up so my sister helped me walk to the bathroom and i literally couldnt walk at all. my sister got me to the bathroom and got me some water. i remember that i was  crying while hugging my sister saying i dont wanna die over and over again and saying am i gonna die. my sister was calming me down and i still couldnt see shit at all. my mom came home and she went to my mom and told her what happened. i was laying on the bathroom floor blacking out over and over again. i woke up with paramedics over me. when i was in the ambulance they gave me an iv and i stopped blacking out at that point. the day before i had cut myself  pretty badly and i was wearing a short sleve shirt so they obviously were very conserned about that. i had to talk to pysch and shit. i went to a mental hospital and it was a good experience to reflect and work on myself. i met many friends there and i would go back to that place when i really need the help again. i left early because i got covid there and i spent 2 weeks in the hospital and then i went home. i was gone from home a few days away from a month. theres this program i am doing for drug addicts like me and depression. but when i was in the hospital with covid something happened. i started to skip meals because i was sleeping and then i just kept skipping breakfast one day and then luch another day. when i came home it stayed like this. i was skipping meals because i liked feeling hungry and not full. i started with 2 meals a day to now not even one. i didnt go over 200 cals today. im getting help kind of for it. in my program i have a nutirionist who helps me and i get weighed everyweek. i never thought that i would ever relapse into my ed and hate my body again. im trying to get better but i keep getting worse. i try to eat more but i feel guilty and fat so i throw it up. it makes me sad that i destoryed all that progress with over coming my ed. today my depression and ed continue to get worse and ill prolly update on how im doing. my bf is currently working on finding himself and he told me to do the same so thats what ill be working on for a while till i overcome my ed and depression again. also i relapsed into cutting when i came home and i also relapsed into vaping again. its so hard to stay away from the things i only knew that took my pain away. i miss smoking weed everyday and when im not getting drug tested anymore im gonna turn back to it i know i will. but instead of being dependant on it i want to do it for fun and to have a good time instead of using it as a way to stop feeling depressed. i cant wait for things to get easier i hope they will because i hate crying everyday wishing i was dead