#and one morning one lunch one afternoon are all adderall

[truthdarespinbottles]

*cries in arthritis*

[angelisgonnastartchangingurls]

dad on a saturday

annie woke up lightly hungover next to ryan in her bed. she didn't remember him coming over, but still had her panties on, so they didn't fuck. she probably texted him and then passed out didn't wake up. she checked her messages and confirmed it. good girl, annie.

but she took her panties off now, and climbed on top of ryan to wake him up. she'd make up for it now. and he was already hard -- morning wood -- so she had him inside her before he was really awake.

"hey there," he said. she was already grinding on his cock.

"shut up and let me fuck you," she said.

"ok," he said.

she rubbed her clit as she bounced, and soon she was gasping and he was unloading inside her.

ryan went to the shower immediately -- he wanted to hit the gym. annie stayed in bed, dozing and leaking peacefully. then her phone rang. her dad was calling her on facetime.

"hey dad," she said.

"still in bed? rise and shine, kid!" he said. "i was wondering if you wanted to come to an antique car show with me."

"sure," annie said. "when?"

"i'll pick you up in like a half hour?"

"i might need longer than that," she said.

"well, hurry up," he said.

"okay." she got out of bed and walked with her phone into the kitchen, forgetting that she'd paired her ipad and iphone together -- it was an app therapists used for remote clients and she never remembered to turn it off -- such that as she wandered into the kitchen, looking for coffee, she saw her father's face on the upright ipad on the counter, and in the smaller window, her full body and her exposed bush.

her mind flashed briefly to ted's daughter, and she resisted the urge to cover herself with her hand.

"sorry," she said, chuckling casually. "my phone and my ipad are paired."

"kind cool," he said.

"sorry about my bush," she said.

"bush is fine," he said. "i've seen those before."

and so she talked with her dad for a few more minutes like that, bush out, feeling increasingly confident as she did. then she hung up and finished getting ready for the day. he was at her door as she finished getting dressed.

she'd followed her father in the family business, so they talked about their current patients. she told him about the slap. he told her he'd been punched a few times. it was a sign that she was pushing the right buttons.

they looked at old cars and then went to lunch. she asked him how her mother was.

"your mother is your mother," he said. "you can ask her yourself."

"she wouldn't tell me," annie said.

"maybe so," he said. "how's ryan?"

"i don't know," she said. "we don't talk, really."

"do you have sex?"

she laughed. "yes."

"well, maybe that's all you need. do you really need a lot of people to listen to you? aren't you the one who listens?"

"yes," she said. "but so are you. and when you are i are together we manage to fill a conversation."

"i think if you feel like you need more people to listen to you it's not a judgment on your boyfriend it's a judgment on some insecurity. what are you doing wrong lately?"

impulsively, annie admitted to having sexual feelings about ted.

"well, that's normal," he said. "just let the energy of that feed your work."

"i'm a little worried there's no work to DO," she said. "honestly, the problem is his wife."

"that's facile," he said. "and never the case."

"i think i found the one time it is," she said. "and i think i keep him around for my own reasons."

"well, figure that shit out," he said. "tell carlos."

"that's your solution," she said. "not a more fulfilling romantic relationship. just more therapy."

"works for me," he said. "if your mom and i didn't fuck we'd be divorced. that's all we really need from each other. we don't even need the company. i have my friends, i have you and your brother."

"what hope is there for me if that's your romantic outlook?"

"romance isn't everything." he said. "it's barely even a top five thing."

in the late afternoon, annie snorted some adderall and cleaned her apartment. then she smoked weed in front of the TV, wondering if ryan would come over and whether or not she had the energy to fuck.

she got an email from jim. jim as in, julia's boyfriend? she checked. he'd emailed her professional account, meaning he'd looked her up. "just wanted to see how you were doing, you seemed pretty tipsy last night, hope you're well, we should hang out soon! -J"

"i was fine," annie replied. "not very drunk at all. just enough to make good decisions." she smiled at herself and sent it.

"want to get coffee next week?" jim wrote back, very quickly.

[gandrewheadcannons]

I wanted to share some writing I had done earlier this summer with you all! If you like it let me know if I should continue? It’s meant to be a story focusing around the beginning of their time in Washington and into the podcast. I’ve left it at a really weird stop but that’s all I had so far.

Title: Undetermined

Pairing: Garrett Watts/Andrew Siwicki

Tags: Mention of prescription medicine, mention of Jeffree/Shane/Ryland, unfinished

Evening is dimly creeping through the half-opened windowpane casting a glow across the built-in table connected to the cramped inner wall of Andrew's microscopic kitchenette. His studio apartment in LA sat cramped in-between Hollywood and Calabasas, a mediocre waypoint for his work for the last few years. He clicks the viewfinder and focuses on the bright oranges and yellows that dance teasingly across the glittering tabletop; catching flicks of sliver and reflecting them back to the lens. A mug of dark roast with just an edge of too much cream is left forgotten in the corner of the frame. It feels cinematic and lonely all at once. The cafe style booth he sits in causes his back to ache, the rest of the kitchen a sterile and unforgiving white, but he misses capturing the day to day beauty the world had to offer. He imagines the reel being played back with a layered sound of twinkling windchimes, quiet laughter and a piano reverb with cuts of the morning sunrise on a hike and steam off the top of a ceramic mug. A familiar face with flecks of blonde in the beard, strong jawed and a roguish smile weaving in and out of the frame, turning back to laugh at something the cameraman said.

“-with a mandate like this.” Garrett is brushing his teeth through Facetime. Andrew catches the corner of his bamboo toothbrush flashing in and out of the lens. He must have laid his Iphone flat on the countertop because when Andrew really looks he can see the bottom of the mirror and a bunch of bright light.

“I know. It sucks. Couldn’t get honey the other day, man. Fucking honey. It’s not like the bees are going anywhere.” He laughs but it doesn’t feel funny. The minimal supply he had was dwindling thin. He was beginning to ration his meals and he wasn’t sure how much toilet paper was left under the bathroom sink. It was all very apocalyptic without any of the zombies or scientists swooping in with immediate remedies.

“Ah dude.” Garrett spits and there’s a tapping sound like he’s hitting his toothbrush on the edge of the porcelain sink before he fully pops into frame. He looks relaxed, sandy hair flopped to one side and beard properly scruffy though they’d only been locked down about a week and a half now. “I know. I can’t handle it anymore. I miss people.” Andrew hums at that. He doesn’t really. He misses the occasional gathering, sure, but he hadn’t quite placed his anxiety surrounding the idea of seeing others since they’d released the Jeffree series. "What was it that bothered you most about taking part in this?" His therapist had asked him. "I missed the fun," he’d answered. "What was the fun?" She’d pressed deeper. "Garrett," Andrew had been quick to reply. "And like. Everyone else too." He'd added when she hadn't said anything. "I miss it not feeling work." She had let him talk about that instead.

"Some people." He tacks on to Garrett who hums easily. He doesn’t think he misses many of the people he’d spent most of 2019 with, his life a mixed cocktail of Ambien, Adderall and Lexapro without any feelings of relaxation manifesting. His psychiatrist had discouraged upping his doses anymore and by early January she began urging him to begin seeking new opportunities to “work on his environment”. He hadn’t quite figured out the avenue to take to do just that.

"Well, some people." Garrett agrees and he's already back out on his couch. "I don't know how many more times I can watch Winter Soldier before I freak out." Garrett sighs. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Same as you and every other person." He turns his camera off. He needs the break from the screen.

"I miss you." Garrett is easy like that. He isn't ashamed to tell people how he feels in every moment. It was something to be admired and yet Andrew just felt envy at it. When Garrett had begun to slip away from him, melting like honeydew sweet and sour into a depth of a place where Andrew couldn't quite find him, he'd only managed to grab him back out by Garrett's honesty. Doesn't know if they'd be having this conversation if Garrett hadn't used that honesty like an anchor and letting Andrew catch him last minute with it.

"I can come over." Andrew offers. He hates being confined in these walls anyways. It was hollow and dark. The email from Shane still sat open on his Mac across the room on his bed. Thinking of extending the break, can't really decide. Want to get quarantined together? I have a few video ideas we could maybe mess around with or just film some day to day footage until creativity strikes us it reads. His skin itches for the company but the image of their guest room makes him uneasy. Doesn't know if he could withstand being there with very little to fill his hands with, editing complete and no real ideas on the table for the time being.

"I can come to you." Garrett offers like he was inconveniencing Andrew who had offered anyways.

"If you touch your car right now I am going to freak out Garrett Watts." Andrew admonishes. "The second they open up the garages and mechanics again I'm making you take that thing there, burn it and we get a new one." He's opening a duffle now and throwing in his travel toiletries and a few pairs of underwear.

"Oh come on Andrew it's not so bad." Garrett laughs as if Andrew wasn't still reeling from the aftermath phone call of Garrett nearly wrecking on the 101 barreling top speeds until he reached a secluded patch of grass to slow his Pirus down onto. By the time Andrew heard the story Garrett was okay; Michael had gone to pick him up and Garrett was sending pictures of little Star Wars figurines that Michael kept mounted on his dashboard. His heart didn’t calm until he had managed to get his hands on Garrett in person though, sneaking out for an afternoon to grab some coffee with Garrett before heading back to Shane’s to finish editing. His shins still feel heavy with the weight of Garrett’s calf as he’d pressed their knees together until the table while they’d talked – the weight reminding him of how alive and okay Garrett really was.

"Oh yeah a car that dies out randomly is really great." Andrew throws in a box of protein bars and a Gatorade into his bag. He hesitates before grabbing a stitched bear made from gray yarn, green buttons for eyes luring him in. "I'll be over soon." He doesn't know how well the conversation will hold up over Facetime as he's moving.

"Okay cool Andrew." Garrett's eyes are soft. "See you soon. My dad is actually calling."

"Tell him I said hi. See you soon." He so easily could tack on endearment, babe at the tip of his tongue burning hot. Garrett's ending the call before Andrew even has the chance.

**

The half opened can of frosting is across from, the only lights on are the ones twinkling from some intricate set up Garrett had on a shelf. Garrett’s on the third loop of the home screen on Prime, humming thoughtfully whenever he pauses on a summary to read but then continuing to scroll before picking one. He’s slumped down low, long legs kicked out on the coffee table while Andrew is curled up in a ball against his side. Once, Caleb had pointed out that if people didn’t know them they’d get the impression that they were dating. Garrett and Andrew had awkwardly laughed at that comment, tinged with humiliation at how their relationship was being interpreted. They tried to be better then, not letting themselves fall so in sync when other people were around.

Andrew loved it like this though, when it was just him and Garrett, so he could press his cheek into Garrett’s bicep and not have to question why it felt so right. In his left hand his phone illuminated with another message from Shane. Opening it he read a message about how much they all missed him and wanted him there during this time. Apparently Ryland was looking for someone to help film a video he had planned. He quickly shut the screen off and pulled back from Garrett some, his stomach in a sudden tangle of knots.

“Good?” Garrett asked him looking down. His crew neck was for Spokane and looked a little like the Taco Bell logo from when they were younger. He’d paired it with a pair of sweat shorts for the night as they were both supposed to be going to bed soon. Andrew picked at his own Adidas track pants, imagining a loose thread to busy his hands.

“You ever just. Feel like you gotta get out?” He tilts his head to the side and watches Garrett pause what he’s doing with his Playstation controller and set it carefully on his coffee table.

“In what way?” He asks thoughtfully, turning so his chest was open to Andrew. Their knees bumped and Andrew felt like a little boy when he wished he could crawl and hide in the empty space of Garrett’s lap.

“Like okay. Say you just really loved what you used to do. You basically achieved your dream job. You have all these amazing people, you like your boss, things are going really great and you’re making a lot of money.”

“You buy yourself a really good vacuum.” Garrett plays along teasingly causing them both to laugh.

“You get yourself those stackable containers for your meal prepped lunches.” Andrew plays back. “But then…” He runs his tongue inside his teeth then outside methodically. He searches his brain to try to figure out what to say to Garrett to

“Then?” He drums his fingers on Andrew’s knees to get him back to the present.

[shinychopshoptimetravel]

Brain gain

The underground world of drugs that “amplify neurons”.

Margaret Talbot

April 20, 2009

Illustration by Adrian Tomine

Every age has its defining drug. Neuroenhancers are perfectly suited to our office culture obsessed with efficiency and equipped with BlackBerry.

The young man I will call Alex recently graduated from Harvard. As a history lecturer, Alex has written a dozen papers in a semester. He also ran a student organization, for which he often worked more than forty hours a week; when he was not at work, he had classes. The weeks were dedicated to all the schoolwork he couldn’t finish during the day, and he spent the weekends drinking with friends and going to dance parties. "As silly as it sounds," he told me, it seemed important "maybe to appreciate your youth." Since, in essence, this life was impossible, Alex started taking Adderall to make it possible.

Adderall, a stimulant consisting of mixed amphetamine salts, is usually prescribed to children and adults diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. But in recent years, Adderall and Ritalin, another stimulant, have been accepted as cognitive enhancers: drugs that highly functional, overly committed people take to become better functioning and overly committed. (Such use is “off label,” meaning it has no approval from either the drug manufacturer or the Food and Drug Administration.) University campuses have become laboratories for experimenting with neuroimprovement, and Alex was an ingenious experimenter. His brother was diagnosed with A.D.H.D., and in his first year Alex got a prescription for himself for Adderall describing to a doctor the symptoms he knew were typical of the disorder. During his college years, Alex took fifteen milligrams of Adderall most evenings, usually after dinner, guaranteeing that he would maintain intense focus until he lost "any ability to sleep for about eight to ten hours." In his sophomore year, he persuaded a doctor to add a thirty-milligram "prolonged-release" capsule to his daily regimen.

Alex recalled one week during his first year when he was due to receive four seminar papers. A few minutes after waking up Monday morning, around seven-thirty, he swallowed Adderall who was “currently released”. The drug, along with a steady supply of caffeine, helped him concentrate during classes and meetings, but he noticed some unusual effects; in the morning tutorial, he explained to me in an email: "I alternately spoke too quickly and thoroughly on some topics and felt uncomfortably quiet during other points of discussion." Lunch was blurry: "It's always hard to eat a lot when you're at Adderall." That afternoon he went to the library, where he spent "too much time researching the work instead of actually writing it - I assure you, the problem is common to all intellectually curious students on stimulants." At eight, he attended a two-hour meeting "with a group focused on student mental health issues." Alex then “took Adderall with an extended edition” and worked productively on the newspaper all night. The next morning at eight he attended a meeting of his organization; he felt like a "zombie," but "he was there to make sure the semester work didn't fail in vain." After that, Alex explained, "I went back to my room to take advantage of my tired body." He fell asleep by noon, waking up "just in time to polish my first paper and hand it in."

I met Alex one night last summer, at an attractively shabby bar in the New England town where he lives. Skinny and bearded, and dressed in faded hipster jeans, he looked like the lead singer in an indie band. He was polite and articulate, and smoked cigarettes with ironic defiance. Alex was lucky enough to talk about his frequent use of Adderall at Harvard, but he didn’t want to see his name in the press; he is connected to an internet startup and is worried that potential investors might disapprove of his habit.

After we ordered the beer, he said, “One of the most impressive qualities of a student is how aware you are of the twenty-four-hour work cycle. When you imagine what you have to do for school, it's not in terms of nine to five, but in terms of what you can physically do in a week while still achieving different goals in different areas - social, romantic, sexual, extracurricular, resume, academic obligations. ” Alex wanted to dismiss the idea that the students who attended Adderall were “academic automata who use it to be first in their class, or to be obviously admitted to law school or first admitted to a consulting firm”. In fact, he said, "there are often people" - mostly boys - "who in some way seek compensation for activities that are detrimental to their performance." He explained: “At Harvard, at least most people are somewhat realistic about it. . . . I don’t think people taking Adderall want to be the best person in the class. I think their goal is to be among the best. Or maybe not even among the best. At the most basic level, their goal is to be better than they would otherwise be. "He continued:" Everyone is aware of the fact that if you get up at 3 am and write this paper, it will not be as good as it could have been. all weekend or that you spent the last week in madness, watching 'Lost' - it will take a toll. "

Alex's sense of who uses stimulants for so-called "non-medical" purposes is confirmed by about twenty scientific studies. In 2005, a team led by Sean Esteban McCabe, a professor at the Center for Substance Abuse Research at the University of Michigan, reported that 4.1 percent of U.S. undergraduates had taken prescription stimulants for unlabeled use the previous year; in one school that number was twenty-five percent. Other researchers found even higher rates: a 2002 study at a small college found that more than thirty-five percent of students had used prescription stimulants nonmedically in the previous year.

Medications such as Adderall can cause nervousness, headaches, insomnia and decreased appetite, among other side effects. F.D.A. a warning on Adderall’s label notes that “amphetamines have great potential for abuse” and can lead to addiction. (The label also mentions that adults who use Adderall have reported serious heart problems, although the role of the drug in these cases is unknown.) However, students tend to find Adderall and Ritalin benign, in part because they probably know peers who have taken medication since childhood for ADHD Indeed, reports McCabe, most students who use stimulants to improve cognitive abilities get them from acquaintances with prescription. Pills are usually donated, but some students sell them.

According to McCabe’s research team, white undergraduates in highly competitive schools - especially in the Northeast - are the most common university users of neuroamplifiers. Beneficiaries are also more likely to belong to a fraternity or sisterhood and have a G.P.A. of 3.0 or lower. They are ten times more likely to report smoking marijuana in the past year, and twenty times more likely to say they have consumed cocaine. In other words, they are decent students in schools where, to be an excellent student, you have to give up a lot more fun than they are willing to give up.

“I can’t move with this t’ing. We should have dumped him before he had dinner. ”

The BoredAt sites — which allow students to chat idly while pretending to study — are full of messages about Adderall. Posts like these, from BoredAtPenn, are typical: "I have an Adderall — I'm sitting in room 101.10 in a gray shirt and headphones"; “I have Adderall for sale 20mg for $ 15”; "I took Adderall at 8pm, 6:30 in the morning and I barely blinked." On the Columbia website, a poster with the email address of cunya complains that her friends take Adderall “as candy,” adding, “I don’t want to be at a disadvantage compared to everyone else. Is it really that dangerous? Will they fuck me? My grades this year were not so good and I was able to cope. " A Columbia student responds, "It's probably not a good idea if you don't have a prescription," but still offers practical advice: "Keep your dose normal and don't grind or sniff." Occasional disagreements ("I think there should be random drug testing on every exam") are drowned out by testimonies like this one from the BoredAtHarvard site: "I don't want to push or move people to something bad, but Adderall is amazing."

Alex is still thrilled with Adderal, but he also has a bit of a yellowish critique. "It only works as a cognitive enhancer if you are committed to the task at hand," he said. “How many times have I taken Adderall late at night and decided to organize my entire music library instead of starting my own work! I've seen people obsessively clean their rooms on it. " Alex thought drugs in general helped him slow down his work, but he also tended to produce writing with a characteristic flaw. “I have often referred to the works I have written about Adderall, and they are extensive. They make a point, trying to create this impenetrable argument, and if you just got to your point in a more direct way, it would be stronger. But with Adderall, I would make two pages about something that could be said in a few sentences. ” Still, his works with the help of Adderall usually brought him at least B. They did the job. As Alex said, "Productivity is a good thing."

Last April, the scientific journal Nature published the results of an informal online survey asking whether readers tried to sharpen "their focus, concentration or memory" by taking drugs such as Ritalin and Provigil - a newer type of stimulant, commonly known as modafinil, developed for the treatment of narcolepsy. One in five respondents said it was. A majority of 1,400 readers who responded said healthy adults should be allowed to take brain stimulants for non-medical reasons, and sixty-nine percent said mild side effects were an acceptable risk. While most said such drugs should not be available to children who have not been diagnosed with a health condition, a third admitted they would feel pressured to give their children “smart drugs” if they found out other parents were doing so.

Such competitive anxieties are already being felt in the workplace. Recently, a column in Wired’s advice contained a question from a reader concerned about a “rising star in a company” who used over-the-counter modafinil for crazy hours. Our boss started complaining about my case because I'm not that productive. " And on online forums like ImmInst, whose members share a nerdy passion for tweaking their cognitive functions through medications and dietary supplements, people exchange tips on doses and “stacks” - improvised combinations - of neuro-boosters. (“Cut the pill into quarters and take 25 mg every four hours, 4 times today, and we had a great and productive day - no side effects.”) In one recent post, a 52-year-old - who was working full time, is studying for an advanced degree at night and "married, etc." - he wrote that after experimenting with modafinil he decided on two daily doses of one hundred milligrams each. He believed he was "a little better," adding, "I also feel a little more lively when I'm in a debate."

Not so long ago, I met Anjan Chatterjee, a neurologist at the University of Pennsylvania, in his office, tucked away in the Penn Labyrinth Hospital Complex. Chatterjee’s main research interests are in topics like the neurological basis of spatial understanding, but in recent years, as he has heard more about students taking cognitive enhancers, he has begun writing about the ethical implications of such behavior. In 2004, he coined the term “cosmetic neurology” to describe the practice of using drugs developed for recognized medical conditions to enhance common knowledge. Chatterjee cares about aesthetic neurology, but thinks it will become as acceptable over time as cosmetic surgery; in fact, with neuroenhancement it is harder to claim to be frivolous. As he notes in a 2007 paper, "many sectors of society have conditions in which the winner takes all in which small advantages produce disproportionate rewards." At school and at work, the benefits of being "smarter", less sleep and faster learning are "completely clear". In the near future, he predicts, some neurologists will transform into "quality of life consultants", whose role will be to "provide information while removing the ultimate responsibility for those decisions from patients". Demand certainly exists: from an elderly population that will not tolerate memory loss; from overworked parents who give their children every possible advantage; from anxious employees in an office culture obsessed with efficiency and equipped with a BlackBerry, where work never really stops.

Chatterjee told me that many people who come to his clinic are a cognitively preoccupied version of what doctors call “concerned good”. The day I visited his office, he had just seen a middle-aged woman, a successful Philadelphia lawyer, who mentioned that she had to work a little harder to come up with certain names. “Here’s an example of someone who by most measures is perfectly fine,” Chatterjee said. "There are no problems at work. But he notices that there are some problems and it is very difficult to know how old he is. ” Of course, people in her position could strive to exercise regularly and abundant intellectual stimulation, and both have been shown to help maintain cognitive functions. But maybe they are already doing it and they want more mental enthusiasm, or maybe they want something easier than sweaty trainings and Russian novels: a pill.

I recently spoke by phone with Barbara Sahakian, a clinical neuropsychologist at Cambridge University and co-author of a December 2007 article in Nature, "Professor's Little Helper." Sahakian, who also consults for several pharmaceutical companies, and her co-author Sharon Morein-Zamir reported that many of their colleagues used prescription drugs such as Adderall and Provigil. Because drugs are easy to buy online, they wrote, it would be difficult to stop them from spreading: "The drive to self-improve cognition is likely to be just as strong, if not stronger, than in areas of 'improving' beauty and sexual function." (At least in places like Cambridge.)

When I spoke to Sahakian, she had just flown in from England to Scottsdale, Arizona, for a conference, and she was tired. She may, justifiably, have given up on distractions like me, but she had a cell phone with her, and although it was a weekend morning, some hard-working person from the Cambridge office reached Sahakian in her hotel room after taking a shower. and before she had to rush to the first session. “We may be healthy and functioning well and thinking that way about ourselves, but it is very rare that we actually function at our optimal level,” Sahakian said. "Take me. I'm here and I have jet lag and I have to give a speech tonight and perform well, in what will be in the middle of the night, British time." She mentioned business people who have to fly back and forth across the Atlantic: “The difference between making deals and disagreements is huge and sometimes they only have one meeting to try to do it.” She sympathized with them but, she added, “we are a society that he wants a quick solution so much that many people like to take drugs. "

"What should I do? Here's what you should do: invent a time machine, go back sixteen months, and turn everything into cash."

For now, people looking for this quick cure have a limited choice of medications. But given the amount of money and hours of research spent developing drugs to treat cognitive decline, Provigil and Adderall are likely to join a larger pharmacopoeia. Among the drugs in preparation are alinae, which target a type of glutamate receptor in the brain; hopefully they could stop memory loss associated with diseases like Alzheimer’s. But ameines can also give healthy people a tangible cognitive boost. A 2007 study of sixteen healthy elderly volunteers found that five hundred milligrams of one particular amine "undoubtedly" improved short-term memory, although it seemed to diminish episodic memory - recollection of past events. The second class of drugs, cholinesterase inhibitors, which are already used with some success in the treatment of Alzheimer’s patients, have also been promising as neuro-boosters. In one study, donepezil boosted pilot performance on flight simulators; in another, of thirty healthy young male volunteers, he improved his verbal and visual episodic memory. Several pharmaceutical companies are working on drugs that target nicotinic receptors in the brain, hoping to be able to replicate the cognitive growth that smokers get from cigarettes.

Zack and Casey Lynch are a young couple who started NeuroInsights in 2005, a company that advises investors on the development of brain technology. (Since then, they have also founded a lobby group, the Neurotechnology Industry Organization.) Casey and Zack met as students at the U.C.L.A .; she earned a master’s degree in neuroscience from the U.C.S.F., and he became executive director of the software company. I had coffee with them in San Francisco’s Noe Valley last summer, and they both spoke with occasional conviction about the upcoming neuroamplifier market. Zack, whose book Neuro Revolution was published this summer, said: "We live in an information society. What is the next form of human society? _neuro-_society. "In the coming years, he said, scientists will better understand the brain and we will have improved neuro-boosters that some people will use in therapy, others because they are" on the verge of being therapeutically needed "and others solely" for competitive advantage. "

Zack explained that he doesn't like the term "improvement": "We're not talking about superhuman intelligence. Nobody says we're coming up with a pill that will make you smarter than Einstein!... What we're really talking about is enabling people." He sketched a bell curve on the back of the napkin. “Almost any drug in development is something that will take someone working at, say, forty percent or fifty percent, and raise them to eighty,” he said.

New psychiatric drugs have a way of creating a market for themselves. Disorders often become widely diagnosed after the emergence of drugs that can change a number of suboptimal behaviors. In this way, Ritalin and Adderall helped A.D.H.D. a familiar name, and advertisements for antidepressants have helped define shyness as a disease. If there is a pill that can clarify the wavering focus of young sleepless people or alleviate the middle-aged experience, then these fairly common conditions can be considered syndromes. As Casey said, "Drugs are getting better and markets are getting bigger."

"Yes," Zack said. "We call it a lifestyle improvement market."

Lynches said Provigil is a classic example of a related phenomenon: mission crawling. In 1998, Cephalon, the pharmaceutical company that makes it, received government approval to sell the drug, but only because of “excessive daytime sleepiness” due to narcolepsy; by 2004. Cephalon had been granted permission to extend the labeling to include sleep apnea and “shift sleep disorder”. Provigil's net sales rose from one hundred and ninety-six million dollars in 2002 to nine hundred and eighty-eight million in 2008.

Cephalon leaders have repeatedly said they do not approve of off-label use of Provigil, but in 2002 the company was reprimanded by F.D.A. for the distribution of marketing materials that presented the drug as a cure for fatigue, “reduced activity” and other alleged diseases. And in 2008, Cephalon paid four hundred and twenty-five million dollars and pleaded guilty to a federal criminal charge related to promoting the use of Provigil and two other drugs outside the license. Later this year, Cephalon plans to introduce Nuvigil, a longer-lasting variant of Provigil. A spokeswoman for Candace Steele said: "We are exploring its options for treating excessive sleepiness associated with schizophrenia, bipolar depression, traumatic injuries and jet lag." Although she stressed that Cephalon does not develop Nuvigil as a neuro-booster, she noted: "As part of the preparation for some of these other diseases, we are looking to see if there are improvements in cognition."

Unlike many hypothetical scenarios cared for by bioethicists - human clones, "designer babies" - cognitive improvement is already in full swing. Even if today's smart drugs are not as powerful as such drugs might one day be, there are many questions to ask about them. How much do they actually help? Are they potentially harmful or addictive? Then, the question arises as to what we mean by “smarter”. Can improving one type of thinking affect others? All of these questions require appropriate scientific answers, but for now, most debates are taking place in secret, among a growing number of Americans conducting experiments on their own brains on a daily basis.

Paul Phillips was unusual for a professional poker player. By the time he joined the circle, in the late 1990s, he was already a millionaire: a 20-year-old from technology who started writing software, helped set up an Internet portal called go2net and cashed in at the right time. He was cerebral and, at times, rude. His nickname was Dot Com. On the international poker tournament scene - where male players tend to be either openly clumsy or sharply dressed in the manner of a Vegas hotel manager - Phillips nurtured New Wave’s nerdy style. He wore vintage shirts with wild geometric patterns; his hair was dyed orange or silver one week, shaved the next day. Most unusual of all, Phillips was free to talk about taking prescription drugs - Adderall and, in particular, Provigil - to play better cards.

He first started playing the game in 1995, when he was in college, at U.C. San Diego. He recalled: "It was very mathematical, but you could also get into the game and manipulate other types of words" - more than in a game like chess. Phillips soon felt he had mastered the strategic aspects of poker. The key variable was execution. In tournaments, he should have been able to stay focused for fourteen hours in a row, often for several days, but it was hard for him. In 2003, his doctor diagnosed him with A.D.H.D. and he started taking Adderall. Within six months, he had won $ 1.6 million at poker events - far more than he had won in the previous four years. Adderall not only helped him concentrate; it also helped him resist the urge to keep playing lost hands out of boredom. In 2004, Phillips asked his doctor to give him a prescription for Provigil, which he added to his Adderall regimen. He took between two hundred and three hundred milligrams of Provigil a day, which, he thought, helped him calm down to an even calmer and more objective state of consciousness; as he put it, he felt “less like a participant than an observer - and very effective”. Although Phillips considers neuro-boosters essentially brain steroids, they have not yet been banned from participating in poker competitions.

Last summer, I visited Phillips at the high-desert resort of Bend, Oregon, where he lives with his wife Kathleen and their two daughters, Ivy and Ruby. Phillips, now thirty-six, seemed a bit out of place in Bend, where people spend a lot of time skiing and rafting. Among the friendly, faithfully recycling locals, he tried to restrain his biting side. However, when I first sent Phillips an e-mail asking him to explain, more precisely, how Provigil affected him, he could not resist a clever answer: “More precisely: after the pill is taken, tiny molecules are absorbed into the bloodstream, where they eventually cross the blood-brain barrier and affect the operation of wet accessories at the top. "

I said ‘neighborhood guard’; they said 'peeping Tom'. "

He was personally more accommodating. He picked me up at Bend Airport driving a black BMW convertible and we went for coffee at a cheerful coffee shop called Thump. Phillips wore shorts and flip-flops, and his black T-shirt displayed a vague program joke. "Poker means sitting in one place, watching your opponents for a long time and noticing about them better than they do about you," he said. With Provigil, he "could process all the information about what was going on at the table and do something about it." While there is no doubt that Phillips became much more successful in poker after taking neuro-boosters, I asked him if his improvement could be explained by a placebo effect or coincidence. He doubted it, but let it go. Still, he said, “there is a kind of clarity that I get with Provigil. With Adderall, I would characterize the effect as a correction - a correction of the underlying condition. Provigil feels like an improvement. ” And while Adderall made him "upset," Provigil's effects were "completely limited to my brain." He had no trouble sleeping.

On the other hand, Phillips said, Provigil’s effects “have weakened over time. The body is an amazing adjustment machine and there are no benefits I could see that I could just take more. ” A few years ago, Phillips got tired of poker and started playing competitive Scrabble. He was good, but not so good. He was older than many of his rivals and had to take a lot by heart, which was not as easy as it used to be. “I stopped memorizing the whole dictionary, and to be really good, you have to put together words of eight and nine letters,” he told me. "But I learned every word up to five letters, plus maybe ten thousand words of seven and eight letters." Provigil, he said, helped with the memory process, but “it won’t make you smarter. It will allow you to make better use of the tools you have over time. "

Similarly, one acquaintance journalist who takes drugs when he has to stay up all night on time says it doesn’t help at the stage when he’s trying to figure out what he wants to say or how to structure the story; but, after coming to these insights, it helps him remain intent on completing the draft. Similarly, the seventy-four-year-old, who published a letter in Nature last year, offered a charmingly specific description of his modafinil habit: I could continue with modafinil for almost three hours. ”

Cephalon, the manufacturer of Provigil, has publicly downplayed the idea that the drug could be used as a smart pill. In 2007, the company’s founder and CEO, Frank Baldino, Jr., told a reporter from the pharmaceutical magazine Pharmaceutical Executive: “I think Provigil will keep you awake if you’re tired. If you're not tired, nothing will help you. " But Baldino may have been too modest. Only a few studies have been conducted on the effects of Provigil on healthy non-sleep volunteers, but these studies suggest that Provigil provides an advantage, at least for some types of challenges. In 2002, researchers at Cambridge University donated a battery of standard cognitive tests to about sixty healthy young male volunteers. One group received modafinil; the other received a placebo. The modafinil group performed better in several tasks, such as the “numerical range” test, in which subjects were asked to repeat ever longer strings of numbers forward and then backward. They were also better at recognizing repetitive visual patterns and at the spatial planning challenge known as the Tower of London task. (Not nearly as much fun as it sounds.) Writing in the journal Psychopharmacology, the study's authors said the results suggest that "modafinil offers significant potential as a cognitive enhancer."

Phillips told me that, as much as he believes in neuro-boosters, he doesn’t want to be a “poster for smart pills”. At one point, he said, "We really don't know the possible implications for the long-term use of these things." (He recently stopped taking Provigil every day, replacing it with another prescription stimulant.) He found the “arms race aspect” of cognitive improvement distasteful and disliked the idea that parents could force their children to take smart pills. He sighed when I suggested that adults might also feel compelled to use drugs. “Yes, in the competition field - if all of a sudden a quarter of people are better equipped, but you don’t want to take risks with your body - it could start to look terribly unfair,” he said. "I don't think we need to take another step to increase how hard we work. But the fact is that the basic level of competitiveness will be shifted to what these drugs allow, and you can decide to compete or not. ”

In the afternoon we drove to the Phillips House - a large place, beautiful and new, with a spacious deck towering over the Deschutes River. Inside, toys were strewn across the carpet. Phillips was waiting for his wife and daughters to return home from the pool and, sitting in his huge living room with high ceilings, he looked a little bored. He told me that he had recently decided to apply for a graduate degree in computer programming. It will be difficult - to throw out all those applications, to convince graduate programs that he seriously wants to go back to school. But he was, he said, “exhausted on all forms of leisure” and felt nostalgic for the last two years of college, when he discovered computer programming. “It was the most intellectually satisfying period of my entire life,” he said. "It transformed my brain from everywhere into a reasonable structure of knowledge about something." Tada nije uzimao nijednu pametnu tabletu. "Bio bih jebeni dinamo na koledžu da sam ih vodio", rekao je. “Ali, ipak, morao sam pronaći računala. To je napravilo veću razliku od bilo čega drugog – pronaći nešto čega se jednostavno nisam mogao zasititi.”

Provigil može dati privremenu prednost zdravim ljudima, ali to ne znači da je spreman zamijeniti vaš jutarnji espresso. Anjan Chatterjee mi je rekao da "jednostavno nema dovoljno studija o ovim lijekovima kod normalnih ljudi". Rekao je: "U situacijama kada pomažu, koštaju li ih?" Kao što je napisao u nedavnom pismu za Nature, “Većina iskusnih liječnika imala je otrežnjujuće iskustvo propisivanja lijekova koji su, unatoč dobrim namjerama, uzrokovali loše ishode.” S obzirom na to da je kognitivno poboljšanje izbor, a ne nužnost, izračun troškova i koristi za neuropojačivače vjerojatno bi trebao biti drugačiji nego za, recimo, lijekove za srce.

Provigil može izazvati naviku. U studiji objavljenoj nedavno u Journal of the American Medical Association, grupa koju je predvodila Nora Volkow, direktorica Nacionalnog instituta za zlouporabu droga, skenirala je mozak deset muškaraca nakon što su dobili placebo, a također i nakon što su dobio dozu modafinila. Činilo se da modafinil dovodi do povećanja dopamina u mozgu. “Budući da lijekovi koji povećavaju dopamin imaju potencijal za zlouporabu,” zaključuje Volkowovo izvješće, “ovi rezultati sugeriraju da rizik od ovisnosti kod ranjivih osoba zaslužuje povećanu svijest.” (Cephalon, u odgovoru na izvješće, napominje da Provigilova oznaka potiče liječnike da pomno prate pacijente, posebno one s poviješću zlouporabe droga.) Na web stranici Erowid, gdje ljudi živo i anonimno izvještavaju o svojim iskustvima s pravnim i ilegalnih droga, neki korisnici modafinila opisali su ovisnost o drogi. Jedan muškarac, koji se predstavio kao bivši student biokemije, rekao je da je uspio izbaciti navike kokaina i opijata, ali nije mogao prestati koristiti modafinil. Kad god bi ostao bez droge, rekao je: "Počinjem poludjeti." Nakon "4-5 dana" bez njega, "počinje se vraćati magla u glavi."

"Grupa poreznih obveznika je ovdje da vam da vaš bonus, gospodine."

Čini se da je uklanjanje maglovite glave cilj mnogih korisnika neuropojačivača. Ali mogu li današnji lijekovi to zapravo postići? Nedavno sam postavila ovo pitanje kolegici Anjana Chatterjeeja Marthi Farah, koja je psihologinja u Pennu i direktorica Centra za kognitivnu neuroznanost. Ona već nekoliko godina piše o neuropojačivačima iz perspektive koja je duboko fascinirana i blago kritična, ali u osnovi za - uz važno upozorenje da moramo znati mnogo više o tome kako ti lijekovi djeluju. Razgovarao sam s njom jednog poslijepodneva u njenom istraživačkom centru, koji se nalazi u viktorijanskoj kući izrazito nefuturističkog izgleda u ulici Walnut, u Philadelphiji. Farah, koja je energična sugovornica, kupila nam je espresso napitke u konzervi. Iako ne uzima neuropojačivače, otkrila je da je njezin interes za njih obnovio njezinu romansu sa sljedećom najboljom stvari: kofeinom.

Farah je upravo završila rad u kojem je pregledala dokaze o stimulansima na recept kao neuropojačivačima iz četrdeset laboratorijskih studija koje su uključivale zdrave osobe. Većina studija bavila se jednom od tri vrste kognicije: učenjem, radnom memorijom i kognitivnom kontrolom. Tipičan test učenja traži od ispitanika da upamte popis uparenih riječi; sat, nekoliko dana ili tjedan dana kasnije, u parovima im se predoče prve riječi i zamole se da smisle drugu. Studije o učenju pokazale su da neuropojačivači ipak poboljšavaju zadržavanje. Prednosti su bile očitije u studijama u kojima se od ispitanika tražilo da pamte informacije nekoliko dana ili dulje.

Radna memorija je uspoređena s mentalnim blokom za struganje: koristite ga kako biste imali na umu relevantne podatke dok dovršavate zadatak. (Zamislite unakrsno ispitivanje u kojem odvjetnik mora pratiti odgovore koje je svjedok dao i na temelju njih formulirati nova pitanja.) U jednom uobičajenom testu ispitanicima se pokazuje niz stavki – obično slova ili brojeva – a zatim se postavljaju izazovi: Je li ovaj broj ili slovo bio u seriji? Je li ovaj bio? U testovima radne memorije, ispitanici su imali bolji učinak na neuropojačivačima, iako je nekoliko studija sugeriralo da učinak ovisi o tome koliko je radna memorija ispitanika bila dobra u početku: što je bila bolja, lijekovi su imali manje koristi.

Treća kategorija koju su studije ispitivale bila je kognitivna kontrola – koliko učinkovito možete provjeriti sebe u okolnostima u kojima je najprirodniji odgovor pogrešan. Klasični test je Stroop Task, u kojem se ljudima pokazuje naziv boje (recimo narančaste) napisan drugom bojom (recimo ljubičastom). Od njih se traži da pročitaju riječ (što je lako, jer je naš uobičajeni odgovor na riječ da je pročitamo) ili da imenuju boju tinte (što je teže, jer je naš prvi impuls da kažemo "narančasta"). Ove studije dale su mješovitiju sliku, ali su u svemu pokazale neke prednosti "za većinu normalnih zdravih subjekata" - posebno za ljude koji su imali lošiju kognitivnu kontrolu.

Farah mi je rekao: “Ovi lijekovi će definitivno pomoći nekim tehnički normalnim ljudima – to jest, ljudima koji ne zadovoljavaju dijagnostičke kriterije za A.D.H.D. ili bilo koje vrste kognitivnog oštećenja.” Ali, naglasila je, “oni će pomoći ljudima na nižem stupnju sposobnosti više nego u višem”. Jedno od objašnjenja za ovaj fenomen moglo bi biti da, što ste vještiji u datom zadatku, imate manje prostora za poboljšanje. Farah naslućuje da možda postoji još jedan razlog zašto postojeće droge, barem do sada, ne nude toliku pomoć ljudima s većim intelektualnim sposobnostima. Lijekovi poput Ritalina i Adderall djelomično djeluju tako što povećavaju količinu dopamina u mozgu. Dopamin je nešto što želite samo dovoljno: premalo, a možda nećete biti budni i motivirani koliko biste trebali; previše i možete se osjećati prestimulirano. Neuroznanstvenici su otkrili da neki ljudi imaju gen koji tjera mozak da brže razgrađuje dopamin, ostavljajući manje dostupnog; takvi su ljudi općenito malo lošiji u određenim kognitivnim zadacima. Ljudi s dostupnijim dopaminom općenito su nešto bolji u istim zadacima. Stoga je logično da bi ljudi s prirodno niskim dopaminom imali više koristi od umjetnog pojačanja.

Naravno, učenje, radna memorija i kognitivna kontrola predstavljaju samo nekoliko aspekata razmišljanja. Farah je zaključio da su studije koje se bave drugim vrstama spoznaje - na primjer verbalna tečnost - bile premalo i previše kontradiktorne da bi nam mnogo govorile. A učinci neuropojačivača na neke vitalne oblike intelektualne aktivnosti, kao što su apstraktno mišljenje i kreativnost, jedva da su uopće proučavani. Farah je rekao da se postojeća literatura bavi "prilično dosadnim vrstama razmišljanja - koliko dugo možete ostati na oprezu dok buljite u ekran i čekate da malo svjetla trepće". Dodala je: "Bilo bi sjajno imati studije o fleksibilnijim vrstama misli."

I Chatterjee i Farah pitali su se mogu li lijekovi koji povećavaju fokus korisnika umanjiti njihovu kreativnost. Naposljetku, neke od naših najboljih ideja ne dolaze nam kada sjednemo za stol, već kada se tuširamo ili šetamo psa – puštajući svoje misli da lutaju. Jimi Hendrix je izvijestio da mu je inspiracija za “Purple Haze” došla u snu; kemičar Friedrich August Kekule tvrdio je da je otkrio prstenastu strukturu benzena tijekom sanjarenja u kojem je vidio sliku zmije koja grize svoj rep. Farah mi je rekao: “Kognitivni psiholozi su otkrili da postoji kompromis između fokusa pažnje i kreativnosti. I postoje neki dokazi koji upućuju na to da su pojedinci koji se bolje mogu usredotočiti na jednu stvar i filtrirati distrakcije manje kreativni.”

Farah i Chatterjee nedavno su završili preliminarnu studiju koja je proučavala učinak jedne doze od deset miligrama Adderalla na šesnaest učenika koji su radili standardne laboratorijske testove kreativnog razmišljanja. Nisu ustanovili da je ova niska doza imala štetan učinak, ali obojica smatraju da je ovo samo početak provjere koja se mora učiniti. "Sve više naših mladih ljudi koristi ove lijekove kako bi im pomoglo u radu", rekla je Farah. “Imaju svoj laptop, svoj iPhone i svoj Adderall. Ova rastuća generacija radnika i vođa može imati suptilno drugačiji stil razmišljanja i rada, zato što koriste ove droge ili zato što su naučili raditi koristeći te droge, tako da čak i ako oduzmete drogu, i dalje će imati određeni pristup. Malo sam zabrinut da bismo mogli odgojiti generaciju vrlo usredotočenih računovođa.”

Farah je također razmišljao o etičkim komplikacijama koje proizlaze iz porasta pametnih droga. Ne daju li neuropojačivači još jednu prednost ljudima koji si već mogu priuštiti privatne učitelje i pripremne tečajeve? Na mnogim fakultetima, studenti su počeli nazivati ​​neoznačenu upotrebu neuropojačivača oblikom varanja. Pišući prošle godine u Cavalier Dailyu, studentskim novinama Sveučilišta Virginia, kolumnist po imenu Greg Crapanzano tvrdio je da neuropojačivači “stvaraju nepravednu prednost za korisnike koji su spremni prekršiti zakon kako bi stekli prednost. Ovi studenti stvaraju posao koji ovisi o upotrebi tableta, a ne o njihovoj vlastitoj radnoj etici.” Naravno, teško je zamisliti sveučilišnu upravu koja bi zahtijevala od studenata da piški u šalicu prije nego što dobiju svoje plave knjige. I premda se potajno uzimanje neuroenhancera za trosatni ispit čini nepravednim, osuda upotrebe droga čini se ekstremnom. Čak i uz pomoć neuroenhancera, još uvijek morate napisati esej, osmisliti scenarij ili završiti prijedlog za dodjelu bespovratnih sredstava, a ako možete preuzeti zasluge za rad koji ste obavili na kofeinu ili nikotinu, tada možete preuzeti zasluge za rad proizvedeno na Provigilu.

"Ako želiš pozitivan pogled, morat ćeš okrenuti svoju stolicu, Waltere."

Farah dovodi u pitanje ideju da će neuropojačivači proširiti nejednakost. Navodeći "prilično jasan trend u studijama koje kažu da će neuropojačivači biti manje korisni za ljude koji imaju iznadprosječne rezultate", rekla je da bi tablete za poboljšanje kognitivnih sposobnosti zapravo mogle postati izravnavači, ako se daju jeftino. Dokument za raspravu iz 2007. koji je objavilo Britansko liječničko udruženje također ističe ovo: „Jednakost mogućnosti je eksplicitan cilj našeg obrazovnog sustava, dajući pojedincima najbolju šansu da ostvare svoj puni potencijal i da se natječu pod jednakim uvjetima sa svojim vršnjacima. Selektivna upotreba neuropojačivača među onima s nižim intelektualnim kapacitetom ili onima iz depriviranih sredina koji nemaju koristi od dodatne nastave, mogla bi poboljšati obrazovne mogućnosti za te skupine.” Ako se ideja o davanju pilule kao zamjene za bolje podučavanje čini odbojnom - poput zamjene IV. kap sintetičke prehrane za stvarnu hranu — ipak može biti poželjnije od scenarija u kojem samo bogata djeca dobivaju čest mentalni poticaj.

Farah je bio jedan od nekoliko znanstvenika koji su pridonijeli nedavnom članku u Natureu, “Prema odgovornoj upotrebi lijekova za poboljšanje kognitivnih sposobnosti od strane zdravih”. Optimistički ton članka sugerirao je da neki bioetičari naginju podržavanju neuropoboljšanja. “Kao i sve nove tehnologije, kognitivno poboljšanje može se koristiti dobro ili loše”, navodi se u članku. “Trebali bismo pozdraviti nove metode poboljšanja funkcije našeg mozga. U svijetu u kojem se radni i životni vijek ljudi povećavaju, alati za poboljšanje kognitivnih sposobnosti – uključujući farmakološke – bit će sve korisniji za poboljšanu kvalitetu života i produljenu radnu produktivnost, kao i za sprječavanje normalnih i patoloških kognitivnih padova povezanih s dobi. Sigurni i učinkoviti kognitivni pojačivači koristit će i pojedincu i društvu.” Izvješće British Medical Association ponudilo je slično optimistično zapažanje: “Univerzalni pristup poboljšanim intervencijama podigao bi osnovnu razinu kognitivne sposobnosti, što se općenito smatra dobrom.”

Pa ipak, kada entuzijasti podijele svoju viziju naše neuropojačane budućnosti, to može zvučati distopijski. Zack Lynch, iz NeuroInsightsa, dao mi je obrazloženje za pametne tablete koje sam smatrao posebno tmurnim. "Ako ste pedesetpetogodišnjak u Bostonu, sada se morate natjecati s dvadesetšestogodišnjakom iz Mumbaija, a takvi će pritisci samo rasti", počeo je. Države osim SAD-a mogle bi biti malo labavije sa svojim propisima i najprije ponuditi odobrenje novih kognitivnih pojačivača. “A ako ste tvrtka koja ima četrdeset sedam ureda diljem svijeta, i odjednom vaš ured u Singapuru koristi kognitivne alate, a vi kažete Kongresu: 'Premještam sve svoje financijske operacije u Singapur i Tajvan , jer ih je tamo legalno koristiti', kladite se da će Kongres reći: 'Pa, OK' Tada će to biti sporno pitanje. To bi bilo kao da kažete: 'Ne, ne možete koristiti mobitel. To bi moglo povećati produktivnost!’ ”

Ako na kraju odlučimo da neuropojačivači djeluju i da su u osnovi sigurni, hoćemo li jednog dana nametnuti njihovu upotrebu? Zakonodavci bi mogli natjerati određene radnike - liječnike hitne pomoći, kontrolore zračnog prometa - da ih preuzmu. (Uistinu, Zračne snage već stavljaju modafinil na raspolaganje pilotima koji kreću na duge misije.) Za nas ostale, pritisak će biti suptilniji — onaj mučni osjećaj koji imam kad se sjetim da moj mlađi kolega uzima Provigil kako bi ispunio rokove. Sve to može dovesti do neke vrste društva u kojem nisam siguran da želim živjeti: društva u kojem smo još više prezaposleni i vođeni tehnologijom nego što već jesmo, i u kojem se moramo drogirati da bismo bili u toku; društvo u kojem djeci dajemo akademske steroide zajedno s njihovim dnevnim vitaminima.

Paul McHugh, psihijatar sa Sveučilišta Johns Hopkins, skeptično je pisao o kozmetičkoj neurologiji. U eseju iz 2004. napominje da barem jednom godišnje u svojoj privatnoj praksi vidi mladu osobu — obično dječaka — čiji se roditelji brinu da bi njegov školski uspjeh mogao biti bolji i žele lijek koji će to osigurati. U većini ovih slučajeva, “istina je da sin nema superiorni I.Q. svojih roditelja”, iako dječak može imati druge kvalitete koje nadmašuju one njegovih roditelja – može biti “zgodan, šarmantan, atletski, graciozan”. McHugh svoj posao vidi kao pokušaj da roditelje “zaborave prilagoditi svojim ciljevima lijekovima ili bilo čim drugim”. Kad sam razgovarao s njim telefonom, McHugh je proširio ovu točku: “Možda je pogrešno pokušavati ljude uklopiti u svijet, umjesto da pokušavaš svijet učiniti boljim mjestom za ljude. A ako je ideja da je jedini koledž na koji vaše dijete može ići Harvard, pa, možda je to ideja koju treba ispraviti.”

Ako Alex, student Harvarda, i Paul Phillips, igrač pokera, svoju upotrebu neuroenhancera smatraju privatnim činom, Nicholas Seltzer svoju naviku vidi kao potjeru koja ga povezuje s većim pokretom za poboljšanje čovječanstva. Seltzer ima B.A. iz U.C. Davis i magistrirao sigurnosnu politiku na Sveučilištu George Washington. Ali posao koji je dobio s ovim kvalifikacijama – kao istraživač u obrambenom trustu mozgova, u sjevernoj Virginiji – nije ga ostavio da se osjeća intelektualno živim koliko bi želio. Kao kompenzaciju, u slobodno vrijeme piše radove o temama kao što su “ljudska biološka evolucija i ratovanje”. On također priprema svoj mozak umjetnim izazovima; čak i kada ode u toalet u uredu, koristi priliku da igra memorije ili logičke igre na svom mobitelu. Seltzer, koji ima trideset godina, rekao mi je da ga je brinulo da “nije imao mentalnu energiju, izdržljivost, – ne znam kako bih ovo pravilno nazvala – spužvastost koje se sjećam da je imao kad sam bio mlađi .”

Dovoljno je reći da to nije nešto što primijetite kada razgovarate sa Seltzerom. I premda je naše pamćenje vjerojatno na vrhuncu u našim ranim dvadesetima, malo je tridesetogodišnjaka svjesno deficita. Ali Seltzer je Washington-wonk ekvivalent onim manekenkama i glumcima u L.A.-u koji razaznaju sitne bore mnogo prije nego njihov agent. Njegova djevojka, tehnološka savjetnica koju je upoznao u muzeju, mlađa je devet godina, a on je već razmišljao o tome kako će njegova mentalna sposobnost stati uz njezinu. Rekao mi je: “Ona ima dvadeset jednu godinu i želim ostati mlada i energična i ne želim joj biti na teretu kasnije u životu.” Nije se brinuo o vidljivim znakovima starenja, ali je želio zadržati svoj um "spretnim i zdravim što je dulje moguće".

Seltzer sebe smatra “transhumanistom”, po uzoru na oxfordskog filozofa Nicka Bostroma i futurističkog pisca i izumitelja Raya Kurzweila. Transhumaniste zanimaju roboti, kriogenika i život jako, jako dugo; smatraju biološka ograničenja koja bi mi ostali mogli prihvatiti, ili čak cijeniti, kao škripave prepreke koje treba agresivno prevladati. Na forumima ImmInst—"ImmInst" znači "Immortality Institute"—Seltzer i drugi članovi raspravljaju o strategijama produljenja života i potencijalnim prednostima kognitivnih pojačivača. Neki od forumaša ograničavaju se na vitaminske i mineralne dodatke. Drugi koriste Adderall ili modafinil ili, poput Seltzera, lijek zvan piracetam, koji je 1972. godine prvi put prodala belgijska farmaceutska tvrtka, a posljednjih godina postao je dostupan u SAD-u od trgovaca koji prodaju suplemente. Iako F.D.A. nije odobren za bilo kakvu upotrebu, piracetam je eksperimentalno korišten na pacijentima s moždanim udarom - s malim učinkom - i na pacijentima s rijetkim neurološkim stanjem zvanim progresivna mioklonusna epilepsija, za koje se pokazao korisnim u ublažavanju mišićnih grčeva. Podaci o dobrobitima piracetama za zdrave ljude praktički ne postoje, ali mnogi korisnici vjeruju da lijek povećava dotok krvi u mozak.

Od trenutka kada sam prvi put razgovarao sa Seltzerom, bilo je jasno da, iako je smatrao da su kognitivni pojačivači od praktične koristi, oni su mu se svidjeli i na estetskoj razini. Korištenje neuropojačivača, rekao je, "je poput prilagođavanja sebe - prilagođavanja mozga." Nekima je, nastavio je, bilo važno poboljšati raspoloženje, pa su uzimali antidepresive; ali za ljude poput njega bilo je važnije “povećati mentalnu snagu”. Dodao je: "U osnovi je izbor koji donosite o tome kako želite doživjeti svijest." Dok su devedesete bile o "personalizaciji tehnologije", ovo desetljeće bilo je o personalizaciji mozga - što su neki entuzijasti počeli zvati "hakiranje uma".

Naravno, ideja koja stoji iza hakiranja uma nije baš nova. Jačanje mentalne izdržljivosti raznim lijekovima ima dugu povijest. Sir Francis Bacon konzumirao je sve, od duhana do šafrana, u nadi da će mu se svidjeti mozak. Balzac je navodno potaknuo šesnaestosatne napade pisanja obilnim porcijama kave, koja, kako je napisao, “tjera san i daje nam sposobnost da se još malo bavimo vježbanjem našeg intelekta”. Sartre se dozirao brzinom kako bi završio “Kritiku dijalektičkog razuma”. Moji prijatelji i ja pisali smo seminarske radove uz pomoć NoDoz tableta znojnih dlanova. A prije zabrane pušenja, čitave uredske kulture su se družile s kolektivnim nikotinom - barem, ako je vjerovati "Mad Men". Seltzer i njegovi sugovornici na forumu ImmInst samo su najnoviji članovi iskusne skupine, čak i ako na raspolaganju imaju složenije lijekove.

Naposljetku sam sreo Seltzera u podzemnom restoranu nedaleko od Pentagona. Sjeli smo za stol Formica u polumraku. Seltzer je bio vitak, imao je obrijanu glavu i nosio je naočale s metalnim okvirom; odgovarajući njegovom izbirljivom izgledu, govorio je precizno, rijetko se spotičući o svojim riječima. Pitao sam ga ima li ikakvih etičkih briga o pametnim drogama. Nakon stanke, rekao je da bi mogao biti zabrinut ako bi netko ubacio neuroenhancer prije polaganja licencnog ispita koji ga je certificirao kao, recimo, moždanog kirurga, a zatim prestao koristiti lijek. Osim toga, nije mogao vidjeti problem. Rekao je da čvrsto vjeruje u ideju da “trebamo imati pristojan stupanj slobode da radimo sa svojim tijelima i svojim umom kako smatramo prikladnim, sve dok to ne zadire u osnovna prava, slobodu i sigurnost drugih.” Tvrdio je: „Zašto biste željeli povećanje intelektualnih sposobnosti ljudskog bića? I, ako imate vrlo nacionalistički stav, zašto ne biste htjeli da naša zemlja ima prednost u odnosu na druge zemlje, posebno u onome što neki ljudi nazivaju ekonomijom temeljenom na znanju?" Nastavio je: “Razmislite o složenosti intelektualnih zadataka koje ljudi danas trebaju ispuniti. Samo pokušaj razumjeti što Kongres radi nije jednostavna stvar! Složenost razumijevanja raspona znanstvenih, tehničkih i društvenih pitanja je teška. Ako smo imali alat koji je omogućio većem broju ljudi da razumiju svijet na većoj razini sofisticiranosti, kako možemo imati predrasude prema toj ideji, jednostavno zato što ne volimo da sportaši to rade? Meni se to ne čini kao isto pitanje. I zaslužuje vlastitu raspravu.”

Seltzer nikada nije imao dijagnozu bilo kakvog poremećaja učenja. No, dodao je: "Iako ne bih rekao da sam disleksičan, ponekad kada kucam prozu, nakon što se osvrnem i pročitam, često sam izostavio riječi ili umetnuo riječi, a ponekad imam poteškoća s koncentracijom." Na poslijediplomskom studiju dobio je recept za Adderall od liječnika koji nije postavljao puno pitanja. Lijek mu je pomogao, pogotovo kada su mu ambicije bile relativno niske. Prisjetio se: “Imao sam ovaj jedan dokument o nuklearnoj strategiji. Profesor nije blagonaklono gledao na bilo kakvu vrstu kreativnog razmišljanja.” Na Adderallu je ispumpao novine za jednu večer. “Samo sam se ugrizao za jezik, povratio i dobio ocjenu dovoljno dobar.”

S druge strane, Seltzer se prisjetio da je uzeo piracetam kako bi napisao esej o “ideji harmonije kao tropu u kineskom političkom diskursu” – to je bio jedan od radova na koje je bio najponosniji. Rekao je: “Bio je to zaista intelektualni izazov. Osjećao sam da mi je piracetam pomogao da radim u području apstraktnog i stvaram asocijacije koje su mi bile potrebne — slijedeći ovu ideju harmonije iz drevnog religijskog vjerovanja koje je stoljećima prevođeno u vrlo važnu temu u političkom diskurs."

Nakon nekoliko godina pauze, Seltzer je nedavno nastavio uzimati neuropojačivače. Osim piracetama, uzeo je hrpu dodataka za koje je mislio da pomažu njegovom mozgu: riblje ulje, pet antioksidansa, proizvod pod nazivom ChocoMind i niz drugih, a svi dostupni u trgovini zdrave hrane. Razmišljao je o dodavanju modafinila, ali još nije. Za doručak svakog jutra skuhao je kašu od zobenih pahuljica, bobičastog voća, sojinog mlijeka, soka od nara, lanenog sjemena, brašna od badema, sirovih jaja i proteinskog praha. Cilj recepta bio je učinkovitost: osloniti se na “jednu gomilu koju možete pojesti ili popiti i koja će imati sve što vam je potrebno nutritivno za vaš mozak i tijelo”. Objasnio je: “Okus mi je posljednja stvar na pameti; Htio sam to moći zadržati – to je bilo to.” (Ovo mi je rekao u kuhinji svog stana; živi sa cimericom, koja je ušla dok smo razgovarali, na trenutak zbunjeno slušala, a zatim stavila smrznutu pizzu u pećnicu.)

Seltzerova odluka da uzme piracetam temeljila se na njegovom vlastitom online čitanju, koje je uključivalo sažetke iz medicinskih časopisa. Nije se posavjetovao s liječnikom. Otkako je uspostavio dnevni režim suplemenata, osjetio je poboljšanje u svom intelektualnom radu i njegovoj sposobnosti da se uključi u poticajan razgovor. Nastavio je: “Osjećam da sam bolje u stanju izreći svoje misli. Siguran sam da ste bili u zoni - vodite stvarno uzbudljivu raspravu s nekim, vaš mozak se osjeća živim. To više osjećam. Ali ne želim reći da je to ova duboka promjena.”

Pitao sam ga je li se zbog piracetama osjećao pametnijim ili samo budnijim i samopouzdanijim – malo bolje opremljenim za upravljanje resursima koje je prirodno imao. "Možda", rekao je. “Nisam siguran što znači biti pametniji, u potpunosti. Teško je izmjeriti kvalitetu. To je gestalt faktor, sve te kvalitete se spajaju - ne samo vaša sposobnost da zbrkate neke brojeve, ili zapamtite neke brojke ili niz brojeva, već i vašu sposobnost da zadržite određeno emocionalno stanje koje je pogodno za produktivan intelektualni rad. Osjećam da sam inteligentniji s drogom, ali ne mogu vam dati broj I.Q. bodova.”

Učinci piracetama na zdrave dobrovoljce proučavani su čak i manje nego oni Adderall ili modafinil. Većina recenziranih studija usredotočuje se na njegove učinke na demenciju ili na ljude koji su pretrpjeli napadaj ili potres mozga. Mnoge studije koje se bave drugim neurološkim učincima provedene su na štakorima i miševima. Mehanizmi djelovanja piracetama nisu shvaćeni, iako može povećati razinu neurotransmitera acetilkolina. Godine 2008. odbor Britanske akademije medicinskih znanosti primijetio je da su mnoga klinička ispitivanja piracetama za demenciju bila metodološki pogrešna. Drugi objavljeni pregled dostupnih studija o lijeku zaključio je da dokazi "ne podržavaju upotrebu piracetama u liječenju osoba s demencijom ili kognitivnim oštećenjem", ali sugerira da bi daljnja istraga mogla biti opravdana. Pitao sam Seltzera misli li da bi trebao pričekati znanstvenu ratifikaciju piracetama. On se smijao. "Ne želim", rekao je. "Zato što radi."

"U svjetlu nedavnih događaja, bojim se da ću morati pojesti neke od vas."

Nema smisla zabraniti korištenje neuropojačivača. Već ih uzima previše ljudi, a korisnici su obično obrazovani i privilegirani ljudi koji postupaju s dovoljno opreza kako ne bi upali u nevolje. Osim toga, Anjan Chatterjee je u pravu da postoji prikladna analogija s plastičnom kirurgijom. U potrošačkom društvu poput našeg, ako su ljudi pravilno informirani o rizicima i dobrobitima neuropojačivača, mogu sami odlučiti o tome kako promijeniti svoje umove, baš kao što mogu donijeti vlastite odluke o oblikovanju svog tijela.

Ipak, čak i ako priznate da je estetska neurologija tu da ostane, postoji nešto obeshrabrujuća u načinu na koji se lijekovi koriste – vrsta aspiracija koje otvaraju, ili ne. Jonathan Eisen, evolucijski biolog s U.C. Davis, skeptičan je prema onome što podrugljivo naziva "dopingom za mozak". Tijekom nedavnog razgovora govorio je o kolegama koji uzimaju neuropojačivače kako bi izmrvili prijedloge za dodjelu bespovratnih sredstava. "Čudno mi je da ljudi uzimaju ove lijekove da bi napisali potpore", rekao je. “Mislim, da ste došli do nekog stvarno zanimljivog papira koji je potaknut uzimanjem neke stvarno zanimljive droge – čarobnih gljiva ili nečeg – to bi mi imalo više smisla. Na kraju, dobar si onoliko koliko su dobre ideje koje si smislio.”

Ali to više nisu šezdesete koje šire um. Čini se da svako doba ima svoju određujuću drogu. Neuropojačivači su savršeno prikladni za tjeskobu natjecanja bijelih ovratnika u posrnulom gospodarstvu. I imaju sinergijski odnos s našim digitalnim tehnologijama koje se umnožavaju: što više gadgeta posjedujemo, to smo više ometeni i više nam je potrebna pomoć kako bismo se usredotočili. Iskustvo koje neuroenhancement nudi uglavnom se ne odnosi na otvaranje vrata percepcije, ili na razbijanje veza sebe, ili na doživljavanje naleta genija. Radi se o izdvajanju dodatnih nekoliko sati da završite te brojke o prodaji kada biste se stvarno radije srušili u krevet; dobivanje B umjesto B-minusa na završnom ispitu na predavanju gdje si pola svog vremena proveo slajući poruke; trpati za G.R.E.-e noću, jer se posao u informacijskoj industriji koji ste dobili nakon fakulteta pokazao ubitačnim. Neuropojačivači ne nude slobodu. Umjesto toga, oni olakšavaju stisnuti, neromantični, vrlo učinkovit oblik produktivnosti.

Ove zime ponovno sam razgovarao s Alexom, diplomantom Harvarda, i otkrio da se, nakon nekoliko mjeseci pauze, vratio uzimanju Adderall-a - male doze svaki dan. Osjećao je da uči koristiti drogu na "discipliniraniji" način. Sada se, rekao je, manje radilo o tome da ostanem do kasno kako bi završio posao koji je trebao obaviti ranije, a više o tome da ostanem usredotočen na posao, zbog čega želim raditi duže. Koji bi se poslodavac protivio tome? ♦

Amfetamini

[seafoamchild]

march 3rd

my mom and i went to death valley and it was really fun. we got off to a bit of a rough start because i barely slept the first night and we got up at 5am the next morning to start the day. i was crabby and irritable and i scared my mom with my reckless driving. felt bad about that. we saw the sunrise which was pretty but i was so tired and groggy. luckily i brought some adderall with me for that very reason so i popped one and it absolutely saved me. we went on an amazing hike on the golden canyon loop. it was beautiful! it felt like we were on a different planet. everything was so pale in the early morning. but then we climbed up and up and saw the red cathedral in the sunshine. we ran up and down steep ridges and saw all these beautiful mountains. they were all different colors and the colors went in zigzag diagonal patterns. we hiked for miles through an ancient riverbed.

then we had lunch at a fancy hotel in furnace creek and it was nice to look at the palm trees and gardens and listen to running water. we went and saw the salt flats in the badwater basin which was incredible, and the temperature was so pleasant and the sun was so bright. we went and looked at the artist's palette which was beautiful even in the harsh afternoon light, although it would have been nice to see it later in the day. and then we went to the sand dunes for sunset. we climbed up one of the taller dunes which was no easy feat. and we both took an edible so we just sat there chilling in the sand for a very long time. the shadows changed so much. it was a very peaceful time. the sun sank lower and before it went below the horizon, a long cloud passed in front of it and everything turned blue for a while. it kind of put a damper on the sunset for a second, but then the sun came out again and everything turned brilliant gold. and then as soon as the sun went away, we looked towards the eastern sky and wondered if the moon was going to come up, and then we saw the HUGEST moon i have ever seen start peeking out above the mountaintops! it was a full moon and it was so big and so luminous and so beautiful and it rose so fast. it was truly magical and everyone around us was in awe. we watched it for so long, until it got dark and we could see our moonshadows on the walk back.

the next day we slept in a little (til 6am lol) and then hiked mosaic canyon. i feel bad for rushing my mom and being impatient with her but she takes so long to get ready. i need to work on my patience. but the hike was fabulous. it was our first slot canyon hike and we had to do some careful climbing to get through it. the canyon was so impressive and we made it all the way to the end. i was proud of my mom for doing it. then we went to the salt creek where there's an actual creek running right through death valley with little fish and birds! it was really fun actually. we hiked far out into the salt flats and just had a very nice time in the sun, looking at the surrounding badlands and feeling like we were on a strange planet. we went to an abandoned mine, looked around for a bit, and could almost hear the sounds of the busy gold mine lost in time. we went to a ghost town too, and that was eerie, especially seeing the strange open air art museum that was also there. it was so cold and windy we could barely walk against the wind.

then we got back to vegas but had somewhat of a disaster in the flamingo parking garage, which i never anticipated would be such a nightmare. there must have been thousands of parking spaces in that garage, but i drove through the entire structure twice, and almost crashed a bunch because there weren't enough signs telling you where to go, and there were so many dead ends and blind corners and just ridiculously poor design all around. and there was not ONE single spot in the whole goddamned place so i wasted over an hour in that thing.

i was so upset and stressed and then we drove to a restaurant and i kept missing the turn and everything was annoying and i was in such a bad mood, feeling like it was my fault

for wanting stay on the strip. but i calmed down eventually after acting like a child and we went and people watched at the bellagio and looked at the art and had an okay time. vegas is trash though. after having not partied in that type of environment for at least a year, i dont have any desire to do so again. overall it was a great trip and i'm so happy my mom enjoyed it too. i really need to work on my emotion-driven behavior and decisions. i unfortunately really take after my dad in that respect. need to use logic instead of feelings! this is very hard for me.

[ruined-rp]

Hello Pickles and welcome to New Orleans, the city of The Damned. Thank you so much for applying, you have been successful for the role of Stiles Stilinski. Welcome to the family, but for now it’s time to get down to business…

Head on over to the New Member Checklist, careful not to go down any dark alleys, it’s not safe here.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

Name: Pickles

Pronouns: she/her

Age: 32 :(

Timezone/Country: GMT UK

Triggers: RFP

Activity Level: 6-7? Prolly more active weekdays than weekends, but I’ll always be lurking and no one will wait 12 years for a reply :D

How Did You Hear About Us: I was actually linked to it by a friend! We both have been looking for a RPG with TW in it for quite some time and this one seems like it’d be so much fun!

Anything Else?: Nope, all good! 

DESIRED CHARACTER:

Desired Character: Stiles Stilinski

Why This Character?: Stiles is kind of like marmite for some people; you either love him or hate him. Me, I lean towards love. He’s an abrasive, sarcastic little shit but so loyal to those who’re his. And whilst his anxiousness is a different flavour to mine, I can still connect to him on that level. In general, he’s a fun and outgoing character, which for me as a decidedly less outgoing person, that’s fun to explore. His character is deeper than he initially comes across as and I like digging into those layers and what makes him tick as a person.

Any FC Changes?: Nope!

Ships/Anti-ships: I’m here for the chemistry with my bisexual son over any hardcore wants.

Headcanons:

The trigger for his mom being sectioned, was when she tried to drown him. He was eight and in the middle of a bubble bath when she grabbed his hair and pushed him under the water. Luckily, his dad heard the commotion and honestly, he was only under the water for less than fifteen seconds, but it was the most terrifying fifteen seconds of his life. It was because of that that he had his hair buzzed off and it took years before he allowed it to grow out again.

His mom apologised, looking heartbroken and confused, and his dad wouldn’t leave them alone in the same room again, but there’d been a part of him that felt happy when his dad sat him down and told him mom had to leave. He doesn’t know what sort of person that makes him.

He’s a secret knitter. No one knows this, except his dad and maybe Scott but they don’t count. If his brain is being particularly loud, or he’s stressing out about something to the point where sleep is impossible, he knits. He’s not very good at it but his dad wears the scarfs he’s handed over with pride.

Please Provide At Least One: [The more the better but any o n e is fine] - Moodboard/Aesthetic - Playlist - Mock Blog - I have an old Stiles blog that, if I get in, I’ll repurpose for this group: https://bicuriousbilinski.tumblr.com/ it’s got lots of fun reblogs on it :) - Plot Points - Expand on one or more Traits

Anxious - he’s unashamed of who he is as a person; people knowing his nerdy likes and interests doesn’t phase him and he’s got no problem in wiggling his way into conversations or situations that don’t pertain to him. His anxiousness mostly comes from not being in control. When his mom died and it was only him and his dad left, he’d work himself into panic attacks thinking about how any second now his dad could get shot, or drink himself into an early grave and holy shit, he can’t lose both of them. Which is why he started to police his diet and listen in over the scanner to make sure his dad was okay to try and manage it. It’s why when any new situations come up, he’s hitting the books because whilst he can’t control any new big bad, he can control what he knows about it; it’s that feeling of helplessness that really kickstarts his anxiety.

Stubborn - Stiles can be stubborn to a fault sometimes and it can take a long while for him to change his mind or back down and usually this is because his gut instinct is telling him something. He’s learnt not to ignore it throughout the years, but sometimes he needs to learn to dial it back a bit.

Loyal - his friends and family is a small circle and to those people, he’ll pretty much do anything for. They’re his. And the only person who can fuck with them is Stiles. That joke about someone being arrested and having a best friend in there with them going, “That was awesome!” That’s Stiles. He might disagree with your decisions in private but in front of other people he’s got your back.

** The first three can be reblogs!

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE:

How Does Your Character Feel About The Peace Treaty?: Though it should go without saying, Stiles is all for it. Not only is his best friend one of those Supernaturals, (who could hate anyone with those puppy dog eyes of his) it kind of goes without saying that they deserve the same rights as anyone else. Being a Supernatural doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, or lacking a soul; hell, you only need to watch the news to see how abhorrent some humans are.

Slice of Life: The life of a student and of a freelance consultant is busy, but luckily Stiles has the kind of brain that thrives on busy. If he’s not in classes, then he’s in the library or at home deep diving the web. If he’s not doing that, then he’s sniffing around the department to see if there’s anything he needs to help keep on the downlow. His days usually start early (and good lord, he is not a morning person) with three coffees and his Adderall before he even considers leaving the house. Then it’s usually classes, lunch with the crew and more coffee. If he doesn’t have afternoon classes, he’ll go and have lunch with his dad, where he usually ends up spending the rest of his day around the department, both doing homework and flipping through any case files that seem a little fishy. Then it’s either more homework, or nights chilling with the pack. As early as his days start, they also end late so when the weekend rolls around and he can afford to spend an extra couple of hours in bed, he's particularly cranky if someone dares to wake him up.

What is Your Character’s Greatest Fear? How Does This Affect Your Character?: Honestly? Being forgotten. He got a taste of it when he was younger, when his mom would look at him like he was a stranger and insist he was trying to kill her. Which might explain why he’s so loud and refuses to be ignored.

SAMPLE: RFP

[ohiorp]

Meet DANIEL FINN SCHUESTER The TWENTY-FOUR year old CISMALE born on APRIL 24TH who appears to look a lot like TIMOTHY GRANADEROS. He is the OLDEST son of Will & Emma Schuester and he is currently TAKEN.

Positive Traits:

Benevolent

Good-Natured

Passionate

Negative Traits:

Ordinary

Indecisive

Distractable

Character Points:

Daniel is the oldest of the Schuester kids, and is very protective over his younger brothers and sister, especially growing up. He had been the only child for so long though, that when Rowen came, he was a bit of a brat and wanted nothing to do with her at first, but soon he gave in and enjoyed having a little sister, but he was overjoyed when he got younger brothers.

In school, Daniel wasn’t the easiest child. He was easily distracted, and couldn’t focus on most things for more than a few minutes at a time, if that; highly fidgety and rarely was able to stay in his seat. That had Will and Emma take him to the doctors. After a few tests he was diagnosed with ADHD. He was soon put on Adderall, to help with trying to focus and make the part of his brain work “normally” while he was at school. He’d have a pill after breakfast, and another right before lunch. But what the Adderall did was make him not hungry so when the second dose was wearing off around 3:30 in the afternoon, Daniel would go on eating binges. Bags of chips would be gone in a day, him alone could finish off a gallon of milk in twenty minutes, always over making food because his body was telling him he was starving. This happened all through elementary and middle school.

When high school happened, and he *rebelled*a little with the adderall, taking it in the morning, but not going to the nurses office before lunch to get his second dose. He had kinda figured ways around it, and it wasn’t very noticeable in his afternoon classes. 

Some point in high school, Daniel took on a side project of teaching younger kids music. And ended up teaching one of his dad’s former students kids. Audrey was probably one of his favorites of anyone. Could he tell the kid was  flirting with him, but he totally didn’t act on feelings, and even now that she’s eighteen, and still casually flirts with him, right now, he still sees her as that ‘sweet’ twelve year old.

He went to college in Ohio, getting a degree in teaching with a minor in music and is currently teaching music at Lima Middle School. 

Secret:

TBD

[pluckedrosepetals]

Adderall 10mg, trial period day 14

Probably the last log of my trial period since I’m seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow

Skipped my afternoon dose since I’m in class back to back to back tomorrow, plus the psychiatrist appointment, while also not really doing anything today, so it seemed more practical to table today’s for tomorrow

Probably a mistake tbh

Couldn’t eat food with this morning’s dose, or anything for lunch hours after

Being physically repulsed by food is scary

Being physically repulsed by food as a budding foodie feels like the end of the world

It wasn’t just trying to eat that messed me up

The smell of food made me really sick too

So I was better off just taking them on their own

But that killed my appetite even more I think

I had dinner at like, 8:30 after feeling sick and lightheaded and empty and weak for hours

I did manage to run errands today; stopped by the dice store and got an outfit for the conference on Friday, and all after a shower at like,,, 3:45

But it was only because a friend poked me with a virtual stick at my request

Brendan was a trooper today I’m so grateful to have him in my life

He kept me company when I was grumpy, and when I was just weak

He gave me practical solutions to what seemed like terrible and insurmountable problems (I’d promised myself a treat from my favorite korean restaurant when I found it was closed and couldn’t conceptualize eating food after, and when I realized I could pass out or fall on the stairs just before or just after the delivery guy came with my food he suggested water and taking the elevator instead and assured me that taking the elevator for one floor wasn’t shameful or embarrassing, especially with the condition I was in) and offered his company, his love, and his reassurances the entire time

The medications do help I just wonder about the side effects

Hopefully tomorrow is better than last Friday and she actually fuckin listens this time

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation”

As a personal trainer, I never liked the whole concept of “motivation.”

I felt like people completely misunderstood and abused it, saying things like “I just have no motivation” as a way of shaming or excusing their behavior, and asking “how do you get motivated?” as if motivation was some magic potion I drank every morning in order to take action on my goals.

When it came to exercise back then, I never had to “get motivated” because:

Lifting weights was in perfect alignment with my values. It was, in fact, one of my highest priorities. I followed a program, I wanted to get stronger, and I arranged my life so that the space, time, and energy for lifting was always there.

I fucking loved it. A person doesn’t need to “get motivated” to do things they love, and I loved lifting weights. (This is a big reason I suggest only doing exercise you love, instead of trying to do the kind you think you “should” do.)

That was back when I had a private gym at my disposal of course. I was there all day training clients, and I was surrounded by other fitness nerds who pushed me to get better and better. I didn’t need motivation because my entire life was centered around fitness.

Nowadays it’s different. None of those things are true anymore, and I broke my workout habit over a year ago. The momentum is long gone, and to be honest sometimes I struggle on my afternoon break to choose between “go to the gym” and “lay in bed browsing buzzfeed.”

Lately when I feel unproductive and unfit, I’ve been wondering about this:

how DO people get motivated? Is there something I should be doing to rally harder?

Then I had a major realization about motivation… thanks to the magic of Xanax.

First of all, yes I recently started taking Xanax during a certain part of my menstrual cycle to help me feel human, and no, there’s nothing shameful about that.

Second of all, I’ve been taking low doses, so I don’t really notice anything other than feeling a little more “me” again about half an hour after taking it.

The interesting thing is that on the days I experience crushing anxiety and depersonalization/derealization, I often feel physical symptoms too– typically intense fatigue, extreme emotional sensitivity, and a full-body sensation I can only identify as a “desperate desire to crawl into a hole and never come out.”

This is why the days I take Xanax also happen to be the days when I feel the most unproductive and sluggish, and most wish I could “get motivated.” These are the days I am incapable of working, exercising, leaving the apartment, or sometimes even getting out of bed. These days suck.

I was feeling all of those things on a particularly bad day recently, and realized around 10am that this day was going to be a wash. I had resigned myself to skipping everything and just laying in bed all day when I took the Xanax, and decided to just answer a few emails before I gave up entirely.

Then something funny happened. I finished the emails, and moved on to edit and record a webinar, get some challenging schoolwork done, make myself a nice lunch, hit the gym, and then write out the syllabus and packet notes for an upcoming workshop.

By the end of the day, I was completely baffled– WTF had happened?? How had I been able to get all that done?? Why hadn’t I crawled back into bed to lay in the fetal position for 8 hours?

I was explaining the day to my partner that night, about how “the darkness had fallen” but somehow I stayed focused and motivated and had a really productive day anyway. I mentioned that I had taken Xanax, but quickly followed it up with “but Xanax doesn’t motivate you or focus you or anything– it’s not like taking Adderall!”

His response was: “Xanax might not be inherently motivating, but the kind of anxiety you experience is inherently debilitating.”

And there it was.

It’s not that I had been extra motivated that day– it’s just that I had removed a (debilitating) block to my energy and focus. In my unblocked state, I am naturally “motivated” to do work I care about, exercise, and take good care of myself. The Xanax has simply returned a bit of that unblocked state to me.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and realized that this is the key to motivation.

Motivation isn’t about adding the magic potion, it’s about removing the burdens and blocks to natural energy flow.

For me that day, the burden getting in my way was a hormonally-created, debilitating sense that everything was broken and bad and fake and scary. With that kind of garbage weighing down on me, even simple tasks were so burdensome and painful that I could hardly imagine handling anything more challenging than getting out of bed.

But when that block was removed, I was able to calmly (even enjoyably!) accomplish everything on my to-do list. Not with great pleasure or gusto, since I still felt pretty shitty, but with a steady sense of purpose.

Too often, we blame ourselves for “not being motivated enough” to take action on our goals, and think we need to fight against our natural state of “laziness” or “lack of willpower” in order to see any kind of success.

But what if we have it backwards?

What if your unblocked self actually naturally takes pleasure in moving the body, eating nourishing food, resting, playing, being sensual and sexual, and doing fulfilling work? What if the only reason you feel too tired or lazy to get shit done is because you’re constantly weighed down by your own (debilitating) energy blocks?

This would be like wearing a backpack filled with rocks, blaming yourself for walking so slow and being so tired all the time, and then also believing the solution was to “get motivated” to wear the backpack better.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

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[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation”

As a personal trainer, I never liked the whole concept of “motivation.”

I felt like people completely misunderstood and abused it, saying things like “I just have no motivation” as a way of shaming or excusing their behavior, and asking “how do you get motivated?” as if motivation was some magic potion I drank every morning in order to take action on my goals.

When it came to exercise back then, I never had to “get motivated” because:

Lifting weights was in perfect alignment with my values. It was, in fact, one of my highest priorities. I followed a program, I wanted to get stronger, and I arranged my life so that the space, time, and energy for lifting was always there.

I fucking loved it. A person doesn’t need to “get motivated” to do things they love, and I loved lifting weights. (This is a big reason I suggest only doing exercise you love, instead of trying to do the kind you think you “should” do.)

That was back when I had a private gym at my disposal of course. I was there all day training clients, and I was surrounded by other fitness nerds who pushed me to get better and better. I didn’t need motivation because my entire life was centered around fitness.

Nowadays it’s different. None of those things are true anymore, and I broke my workout habit over a year ago. The momentum is long gone, and to be honest sometimes I struggle on my afternoon break to choose between “go to the gym” and “lay in bed browsing buzzfeed.”

Lately when I feel unproductive and unfit, I’ve been wondering about this:

how DO people get motivated? Is there something I should be doing to rally harder?

Then I had a major realization about motivation… thanks to the magic of Xanax.

First of all, yes I recently started taking Xanax during a certain part of my menstrual cycle to help me feel human, and no, there’s nothing shameful about that.

Second of all, I’ve been taking low doses, so I don’t really notice anything other than feeling a little more “me” again about half an hour after taking it.

The interesting thing is that on the days I experience crushing anxiety and depersonalization/derealization, I often feel physical symptoms too– typically intense fatigue, extreme emotional sensitivity, and a full-body sensation I can only identify as a “desperate desire to crawl into a hole and never come out.”

This is why the days I take Xanax also happen to be the days when I feel the most unproductive and sluggish, and most wish I could ���get motivated.” These are the days I am incapable of working, exercising, leaving the apartment, or sometimes even getting out of bed. These days suck.

I was feeling all of those things on a particularly bad day recently, and realized around 10am that this day was going to be a wash. I had resigned myself to skipping everything and just laying in bed all day when I took the Xanax, and decided to just answer a few emails before I gave up entirely.

Then something funny happened. I finished the emails, and moved on to edit and record a webinar, get some challenging schoolwork done, make myself a nice lunch, hit the gym, and then write out the syllabus and packet notes for an upcoming workshop.

By the end of the day, I was completely baffled– WTF had happened?? How had I been able to get all that done?? Why hadn’t I crawled back into bed to lay in the fetal position for 8 hours?

I was explaining the day to my partner that night, about how “the darkness had fallen” but somehow I stayed focused and motivated and had a really productive day anyway. I mentioned that I had taken Xanax, but quickly followed it up with “but Xanax doesn’t motivate you or focus you or anything– it’s not like taking Adderall!”

His response was: “Xanax might not be inherently motivating, but the kind of anxiety you experience is inherently debilitating.”

And there it was.

It’s not that I had been extra motivated that day– it’s just that I had removed a (debilitating) block to my energy and focus. In my unblocked state, I am naturally “motivated” to do work I care about, exercise, and take good care of myself. The Xanax has simply returned a bit of that unblocked state to me.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and realized that this is the key to motivation.

Motivation isn’t about adding the magic potion, it’s about removing the burdens and blocks to natural energy flow.

For me that day, the burden getting in my way was a hormonally-created, debilitating sense that everything was broken and bad and fake and scary. With that kind of garbage weighing down on me, even simple tasks were so burdensome and painful that I could hardly imagine handling anything more challenging than getting out of bed.

But when that block was removed, I was able to calmly (even enjoyably!) accomplish everything on my to-do list. Not with great pleasure or gusto, since I still felt pretty shitty, but with a steady sense of purpose.

Too often, we blame ourselves for “not being motivated enough” to take action on our goals, and think we need to fight against our natural state of “laziness” or “lack of willpower” in order to see any kind of success.

But what if we have it backwards?

What if your unblocked self actually naturally takes pleasure in moving the body, eating nourishing food, resting, playing, being sensual and sexual, and doing fulfilling work? What if the only reason you feel too tired or lazy to get shit done is because you’re constantly weighed down by your own (debilitating) energy blocks?

This would be like wearing a backpack filled with rocks, blaming yourself for walking so slow and being so tired all the time, and then also believing the solution was to “get motivated” to wear the backpack better.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2p6Q6jl

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation”

As a personal trainer, I never liked the whole concept of “motivation.”

I felt like people completely misunderstood and abused it, saying things like “I just have no motivation” as a way of shaming or excusing their behavior, and asking “how do you get motivated?” as if motivation was some magic potion I drank every morning in order to take action on my goals.

When it came to exercise back then, I never had to “get motivated” because:

Lifting weights was in perfect alignment with my values. It was, in fact, one of my highest priorities. I followed a program, I wanted to get stronger, and I arranged my life so that the space, time, and energy for lifting was always there.

I fucking loved it. A person doesn’t need to “get motivated” to do things they love, and I loved lifting weights. (This is a big reason I suggest only doing exercise you love, instead of trying to do the kind you think you “should” do.)

That was back when I had a private gym at my disposal of course. I was there all day training clients, and I was surrounded by other fitness nerds who pushed me to get better and better. I didn’t need motivation because my entire life was centered around fitness.

Nowadays it’s different. None of those things are true anymore, and I broke my workout habit over a year ago. The momentum is long gone, and to be honest sometimes I struggle on my afternoon break to choose between “go to the gym” and “lay in bed browsing buzzfeed.”

Lately when I feel unproductive and unfit, I’ve been wondering about this:

how DO people get motivated? Is there something I should be doing to rally harder?

Then I had a major realization about motivation… thanks to the magic of Xanax.

First of all, yes I recently started taking Xanax during a certain part of my menstrual cycle to help me feel human, and no, there’s nothing shameful about that.

Second of all, I’ve been taking low doses, so I don’t really notice anything other than feeling a little more “me” again about half an hour after taking it.

The interesting thing is that on the days I experience crushing anxiety and depersonalization/derealization, I often feel physical symptoms too– typically intense fatigue, extreme emotional sensitivity, and a full-body sensation I can only identify as a “desperate desire to crawl into a hole and never come out.”

This is why the days I take Xanax also happen to be the days when I feel the most unproductive and sluggish, and most wish I could “get motivated.” These are the days I am incapable of working, exercising, leaving the apartment, or sometimes even getting out of bed. These days suck.

I was feeling all of those things on a particularly bad day recently, and realized around 10am that this day was going to be a wash. I had resigned myself to skipping everything and just laying in bed all day when I took the Xanax, and decided to just answer a few emails before I gave up entirely.

Then something funny happened. I finished the emails, and moved on to edit and record a webinar, get some challenging schoolwork done, make myself a nice lunch, hit the gym, and then write out the syllabus and packet notes for an upcoming workshop.

By the end of the day, I was completely baffled– WTF had happened?? How had I been able to get all that done?? Why hadn’t I crawled back into bed to lay in the fetal position for 8 hours?

I was explaining the day to my partner that night, about how “the darkness had fallen” but somehow I stayed focused and motivated and had a really productive day anyway. I mentioned that I had taken Xanax, but quickly followed it up with “but Xanax doesn’t motivate you or focus you or anything– it’s not like taking Adderall!”

His response was: “Xanax might not be inherently motivating, but the kind of anxiety you experience is inherently debilitating.”

And there it was.

It’s not that I had been extra motivated that day– it’s just that I had removed a (debilitating) block to my energy and focus. In my unblocked state, I am naturally “motivated” to do work I care about, exercise, and take good care of myself. The Xanax has simply returned a bit of that unblocked state to me.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and realized that this is the key to motivation.

Motivation isn’t about adding the magic potion, it’s about removing the burdens and blocks to natural energy flow.

For me that day, the burden getting in my way was a hormonally-created, debilitating sense that everything was broken and bad and fake and scary. With that kind of garbage weighing down on me, even simple tasks were so burdensome and painful that I could hardly imagine handling anything more challenging than getting out of bed.

But when that block was removed, I was able to calmly (even enjoyably!) accomplish everything on my to-do list. Not with great pleasure or gusto, since I still felt pretty shitty, but with a steady sense of purpose.

Too often, we blame ourselves for “not being motivated enough” to take action on our goals, and think we need to fight against our natural state of “laziness” or “lack of willpower” in order to see any kind of success.

But what if we have it backwards?

What if your unblocked self actually naturally takes pleasure in moving the body, eating nourishing food, resting, playing, being sensual and sexual, and doing fulfilling work? What if the only reason you feel too tired or lazy to get shit done is because you’re constantly weighed down by your own (debilitating) energy blocks?

This would be like wearing a backpack filled with rocks, blaming yourself for walking so slow and being so tired all the time, and then also believing the solution was to “get motivated” to wear the backpack better.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2p6Q6jl

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation”

As a personal trainer, I never liked the whole concept of “motivation.”

I felt like people completely misunderstood and abused it, saying things like “I just have no motivation” as a way of shaming or excusing their behavior, and asking “how do you get motivated?” as if motivation was some magic potion I drank every morning in order to take action on my goals.

When it came to exercise back then, I never had to “get motivated” because:

Lifting weights was in perfect alignment with my values. It was, in fact, one of my highest priorities. I followed a program, I wanted to get stronger, and I arranged my life so that the space, time, and energy for lifting was always there.

I fucking loved it. A person doesn’t need to “get motivated” to do things they love, and I loved lifting weights. (This is a big reason I suggest only doing exercise you love, instead of trying to do the kind you think you “should” do.)

That was back when I had a private gym at my disposal of course. I was there all day training clients, and I was surrounded by other fitness nerds who pushed me to get better and better. I didn’t need motivation because my entire life was centered around fitness.

Nowadays it’s different. None of those things are true anymore, and I broke my workout habit over a year ago. The momentum is long gone, and to be honest sometimes I struggle on my afternoon break to choose between “go to the gym” and “lay in bed browsing buzzfeed.”

Lately when I feel unproductive and unfit, I’ve been wondering about this:

how DO people get motivated? Is there something I should be doing to rally harder?

Then I had a major realization about motivation… thanks to the magic of Xanax.

First of all, yes I recently started taking Xanax during a certain part of my menstrual cycle to help me feel human, and no, there’s nothing shameful about that.

Second of all, I’ve been taking low doses, so I don’t really notice anything other than feeling a little more “me” again about half an hour after taking it.

The interesting thing is that on the days I experience crushing anxiety and depersonalization/derealization, I often feel physical symptoms too– typically intense fatigue, extreme emotional sensitivity, and a full-body sensation I can only identify as a “desperate desire to crawl into a hole and never come out.”

This is why the days I take Xanax also happen to be the days when I feel the most unproductive and sluggish, and most wish I could “get motivated.” These are the days I am incapable of working, exercising, leaving the apartment, or sometimes even getting out of bed. These days suck.

I was feeling all of those things on a particularly bad day recently, and realized around 10am that this day was going to be a wash. I had resigned myself to skipping everything and just laying in bed all day when I took the Xanax, and decided to just answer a few emails before I gave up entirely.

Then something funny happened. I finished the emails, and moved on to edit and record a webinar, get some challenging schoolwork done, make myself a nice lunch, hit the gym, and then write out the syllabus and packet notes for an upcoming workshop.

By the end of the day, I was completely baffled– WTF had happened?? How had I been able to get all that done?? Why hadn’t I crawled back into bed to lay in the fetal position for 8 hours?

I was explaining the day to my partner that night, about how “the darkness had fallen” but somehow I stayed focused and motivated and had a really productive day anyway. I mentioned that I had taken Xanax, but quickly followed it up with “but Xanax doesn’t motivate you or focus you or anything– it’s not like taking Adderall!”

His response was: “Xanax might not be inherently motivating, but the kind of anxiety you experience is inherently debilitating.”

And there it was.

It’s not that I had been extra motivated that day– it’s just that I had removed a (debilitating) block to my energy and focus. In my unblocked state, I am naturally “motivated” to do work I care about, exercise, and take good care of myself. The Xanax has simply returned a bit of that unblocked state to me.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and realized that this is the key to motivation.

Motivation isn’t about adding the magic potion, it’s about removing the burdens and blocks to natural energy flow.

For me that day, the burden getting in my way was a hormonally-created, debilitating sense that everything was broken and bad and fake and scary. With that kind of garbage weighing down on me, even simple tasks were so burdensome and painful that I could hardly imagine handling anything more challenging than getting out of bed.

But when that block was removed, I was able to calmly (even enjoyably!) accomplish everything on my to-do list. Not with great pleasure or gusto, since I still felt pretty shitty, but with a steady sense of purpose.

Too often, we blame ourselves for “not being motivated enough” to take action on our goals, and think we need to fight against our natural state of “laziness” or “lack of willpower” in order to see any kind of success.

But what if we have it backwards?

What if your unblocked self actually naturally takes pleasure in moving the body, eating nourishing food, resting, playing, being sensual and sexual, and doing fulfilling work? What if the only reason you feel too tired or lazy to get shit done is because you’re constantly weighed down by your own (debilitating) energy blocks?

This would be like wearing a backpack filled with rocks, blaming yourself for walking so slow and being so tired all the time, and then also believing the solution was to “get motivated” to wear the backpack better.

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Truth About “Motivation” appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

http://ift.tt/2p6Q6jl