#i have an autoimmune form of arthritis

[truthdarespinbottles]

*cries in arthritis*

[starry-eyes-love]

Too Young to Die- Part 1

Masterlist

Part 1 of 3 part Mini Series

Pairing |  Massage Therapist Joel Miller x F!Reader with Autoimmune disease, no outbreak, AU (I changed up his timeline a bit).

Summary | You were referred to Dr. Joel Miller, a massage specialist, to help manage your joint and muscle pain with autoimmune disease.  What you didn’t know was that Joel was an insanely attractive man, and that you’d be coming undone underneath him before your first appointment was even over with. 

Series Warnings | 18+, Minors DNI, Smut!

Age gap (he’s 47, she’s 29), language, Smut (with a capital S, watch out!!), daddy reference, f!(fingering), squirting, female reader has autoimmune disease, Joel is a massage therapist, slight reference of medical stuff, reader verbalizes anxiety with treatment, fluffy Joel, soft Joel, sexy Joel, terms of endearment, Joel asks her out on a date at the end.

A/N:  This one is completely self-indulgent and has been sitting in my draft folder since before Christmas. I have autoimmune disease, and treatment hasn’t worked much for me in many areas, so I know some of the troubles and struggles that the reader here has. Not everyone who has autoimmune disease may experience these symptoms, concerns, or struggles. This will be only a three part mini series. Very smutty with story building throughout. Enjoy! 

Word Count:   9.1K (we’re establishing a story here)

Fuck you were wrecked, seconds away from crashing through, or into, a brick wall with an orgasm, you thought.  This felt different though, so much different than what you’ve ever experienced before. “Joel, fuck, pressure, it’s a lot of pressure and I’m, fuck, I’m, I’m-” “Come f’me sweetheart. Come on baby, fucking soak my fingers.”

Joel Miller sat in his office of his massage studio, looking over the referral paperwork that Dr. Samson, an autoimmune specialist, had sent him. A female patient was being referred to him for treatment of musculoskeletal pain and tenderness.

“Patient has reoccurring musculoskeletal tremors of unknown origin that come and go. Bilateral joint swelling seen in all extremities with positive inflammation noted in laboratory test results and X-rays. Arthritis and arthralgia positive in all joints. According to the patient, anti-inflammatory and arthritis medication only works slightly for pain. Recommended gentle massage therapy to see if joint lubrication and increased joint mobility is plausible, and if pain and muscle tremors will cease. Immediate referral requested.”

When Joel glanced at the bottom of the form a week ago, he had seen that the referral had come in three weeks prior. Now today, four weeks after the initial referral, he was finally able to see you for the first time.  When he had inquired with his secretary as to why it took so long before he saw you, she had said that there was a problem with your private healthcare insurance. Delaying treatment was never something that Joel Miller prided himself on. In fact, he was usually the opposite with trying to get his patients in for their first appointment within a week following their referral. Joel, having been a contractor in his previous life before becoming a massage therapist, knew the difficulties with treating joint and muscle pain. The goal was to never delay treatment as it would lead to widespread body inflammation. And once inflammation fully set into muscles and joints, it was harder for someone to find relief of their discomfort. 

You were Joel’s next scheduled patient to arrive in 20 minutes. As he waited for your arrival, he went back over your X-rays, lab test results, and dictation notes from your autoimmune specialist.  He had already reviewed it previously, but now he was refreshing himself on your in-depth history as he took some last minute notes of things that he wanted to ask you for this particular session. He had booked your first appointment with him to be about 2 hours, instead of the usual hour.  Joel always conducted very detailed exams with his patients. He was also very knowledgeable in understanding autoimmune patients, especially knowing that each person was unique. He wanted to tailor a program that was going to help you specifically.

Joel Miller wasn’t just your average run of the mill massage therapist, he had a specialty license in massage. He specialized in patients with pain, joint stiffness and swelling, inflammation, autoimmune disease, injuries, etc. People usually only came to him by doctor referral, which usually meant two things. First, he prided himself on taking his time to get to know his patients and how he could help ease their suffering and pain. And second, he typically charged more money for his services.  Most massage therapists would charge people a fee based on how long they performed their massage, Joel charged by the session.  The maximum time he would give a client with his hands was 1 hour, but he’d pencil in 1.5 hours of time with them just in case they felt pain.  Sometimes he’d have to stop and let patients breathe and relax for a minute before he started massaging their muscles again. Joel had a lot of training and education in the technique that was required, and many patients walked away from him stating that they felt a lot better.  By glancing at your history he didn’t think that you’d be a one time only patient.  He thinks that you would benefit from regular massages with him to help treat your inflammation and pain.

“Mr. Miller, your 10 AM appointment is here,” his secretary, Ashley, said.

“Thanks Ashley, I’ll be out in a minute. Please take her back to Room 5, and I’ll be along in a minute.” He replied, still studying the notes from your doctor and making notes for himself of the things that he wanted to focus on with you for your first appointment. 

When you had arrived at the address for your first massage, you felt a sickly feeling in your stomach.  Your doctor had reassured you that Mr. Miller would be the person to help you feel better. But just like all the other promises that your primary care provider gave you, and how none of them worked the way that you hoped, you were very skeptical at this new treatment option. Nothing helped you feel better, and you were beyond frustrated. It took you a bit to convince yourself this morning to come here, telling yourself that Dr. Miller was an expert at this, and that you should give him a try. What could hurt, you thought. Worst case scenario, it didn't do anything, which sadly was the norm for you these days. 

For the last several years, your body had been poked and prodded more times than you would care to admit. Each time there was a promise of a better understanding or discovery of why this was all happening. But with each test, came more conflicting and confusing results, and you were exhausted from it all. You have been giving more blood for the sake of medical testing than what you’d think was truly normal. As ridiculous as it sounded, you felt that if Dracula was actually a real being, that he would be impressed with the amount of blood that you've donated for the sake of medical science.

With shaky hands, you got out of your car, locked it, and then entered the facility. When you entered you noticed that the space was calm. There was pale muted colors that covered the walls, colors that often helped people relax. But it did nothing for your nerves. You were shaking and not wanting to do any of this anymore. You felt like you had a huge lump in your throat, and that you couldn't fully swallow. Of all the things that you had to be afraid of in this world, you were the most afraid of medical treatment. Yet, that was the one thing that you were blessed with in having to always do. ‘Thanks body for betraying me with autoimmune,’ you thought.

As you walked up to the registration window, you found the secretary typing away on her keyboard while looking at her computer screen. You tried to settle your nerves before opening your mouth, but you felt like you were drowning in a pool of despair. Anxiety was getting the better of you again, and you felt like you wanted to run away and hide from everything. But where could you go when autoimmune always seemed to follow you, especially with the pain that came along with it.

“Um, excuse me,” you said meekly, after standing at the window for a brief moment. 

The secretary continued to type away, not looking at you nor acknowledging your presence. You went to clear your voice again when she abruptly stopped and said, “what can I do for you hun?”

“I- uh, I have an appointment, with um, with Dr. Miller I think,” you said softly.

“Oh, hun it's just Mr. Miller, or Joel for short. He doesn't like being called Doctor. He always says he has a doctorate degree in massage, not in medicine. Yet they're kinda the same thing if you ask me.” The secretary said, shaking her head with a slight laugh. You stood there in silence, looking at her as she continued to ramble on. You were trying to listen to what she was saying, but all you could feel was your heart racing in your chest at the prospect of once again meeting a new person with the promise of helping you.

After listening to the woman who you thought was named Ashley ramble on for 15 minutes, as that was the name that you noticed on her name tag, you were finally sitting down in the general waiting area. You were slowly trying to calm down and relax while staring outside and watching the birds hunt for bugs in the grass. You didn't know how long you were waiting there, just staring outside, before you heard Ashley call your name again to take you back to Room 5.  You didn’t know what to expect when you entered the room, but what you saw shocked you.

The room was softly lit, with soft music playing in the background, music that you liked. You also heard running waterfalls, sounds that came from the little fountains scattered all around the room. There was also a hint of cinnamon and slight vanilla aroma in the air, your favorite scents that would usually calm you. You tried racking your brain as to how, by chance, these scents and sounds were present when Ashley said, “it was on your intake survey. Your favorite classical music, scents, and sounds. Joel's very thorough, focusing on relaxation as much as muscle and joint relief.”

You stood there shocked. You thought those questions were just asked of people to try to ease the tension of how you were going to let a stranger put their hands on you. You had no idea that your answers would actually be taken seriously. Usually doctors, when they’ve asked those questions, never really did anything with the answers. Well, Dr. Miller was definitely different. It was at this moment that you were grateful that someone actually listened to you. You just hoped that he would continue with the same dedication while speaking with you, and not ignore what you said like everyone else seemed to do. You were frustrated with the medical field.  You’d tell them something hurt, or something was happening and they only looked at your lab tests and X-rays and made decisions based on that, never actually listening to what you were truly telling them.  You had only been in the room for maybe 5 minutes when you heard a gentle knock on the door, and the entrance of who you only could have suggested was Dr. Miller.

“Good day, I'm Dr. Miller but you can call me Joel.” He said while holding out his hand for you to shake. You shook his hand, and as you did, you felt how rough his hands were. They were calloused and strong, very sturdy hands. Not something that you'd expect to see from a massage therapist. This intrigued you, as you've always loved a man with rough hands. 

After you introduced yourself, Joel walked over to the small desk in the room and sat down on the rolling stool. A typical doctor stool that you’ve seen countless times in exam rooms. He grabbed a piece of paper and then sat there for a moment writing a few notes, things that you thought were probably dealing with your medical file. After a moment he finally looked up at you and then asked with a slight Southern drawl, “How are y’feeling today?”

“I- I’m ok” you said meekly as you slowly looked over Joel. Joel was a gorgeous man, clearly in his later 40s with chocolate brown curly hair. He had a mustache and a slight beard by his jaw, one that had a slight sprinkling of gray in it. He also had glasses on his face with gentle eyes behind the glasses, ones that you could easily get lost in.  He was wearing a simple white t-shirt, framing his broad shoulders perfectly. He had a slight tan on his arms, and hands that once again you couldn't wait to touch you. By looking at him, you didn’t think that massage was the only thing that Joel has done in his life. Something told you that he had spent many years doing hard work with his hands. As you continued your exploration, you then noticed that he was wearing a nice pair of black pants that hugged his hips perfectly. As you continued, you saw that Dr. Miller was definitely someone who was a decent sized man in the bedroom, seeing the soft bulge in his pants as he sat down with his legs slightly spread on the stool by the desk.  You couldn’t help yourself but you stared at his package, wondering what it’d look like outside of the confines of his pants, and what it would feel like fully aroused inside of you. The longer you stared, the more you felt heat rise up the back of your neck. When you noticed the awkward moment of him looking at you, clearly having asked you a question that you didn't hear, you shook your head slightly, looking down fully at the floor while saying “sorry” out loud.

“It's ok darlin',” he said, giving you a small little smirk at the fact that he caught you checking him out.  You were hoping that he didn’t see what you were checking out the longest though.  You didn’t want to explain to your massage therapist that you were fantasizing about his package, and what types of moans or grunts he’d make while fucking your brains out. 

Joel continued to talk to you, explaining why you were here, and how his services could help you.  You were only half listening to him, embarrassed about how you had behaved previously. Joel was devilishly handsome, the type of guy that you were into. You were, however, internally scolding yourself at the importance of having proper social etiquette, and not eye fucking your massage therapist, which is what you were doing every time you looked at him.

As Joel continued to talk with you, he slowly moved around the room, grabbing different things off from the shelves. He instantly noticed your meek and shy attitude, even though he had caught you checking him out earlier. He had to admit, you were very cute, but Joel was a professional. He couldn’t allow himself the joys of thinking about you in a different sort of way.  Nevermind, that if he wasn’t your massage therapist, he would definitely want to explore those other possibilities with you. What he did notice though was how you turned inward at the mentions of pain, autoimmune disease, and how your doctor said you didn’t have much abilities to do activities that your peers could do.  You were 29, and he knew what the world did to 29 year olds who didn’t, or couldn’t, do the same things that their peers could. The world would ignore you. Joel, himself, remembered those days when he was 29 and worked construction when Sarah and Ellie, his daughters, were younger. All his friends went out partying after work, when he went home and raised a 10 year old and a 2 year old all on his own, Sarah and Ellie’s mom were already out of the picture. Joel was lost in his own head, remembering those earlier days, when all of a sudden he heard you speak up in an irritated tone.

“Mr. Miller, no disrespect, but I don’t think you understand what it’s like to not be able to do things that most 29 year olds can do.” You didn’t think he understood. So once again you found yourself trying to explain to a medical professional how much autoimmune has negatively impacted your life at such a young age, and how agitated you were at the fact that no one seemed to help you or listen to you. Joel, being the attentive man that he was, sat across from you on the stool and listened to every word that you had said.

Once you were finished, Joel took a deep inhale, then followed by a long exhale and then said “I am so sorry that people haven’t listened to you, or have taken you seriously about your concerns with your body. You’re right, I don’t know what it's like f’ya as I’m not you. But, I do know what it’s like to not be able to do everything a 29 year old can do. I may not have autoimmune, but I had different responsibilities that didn’t allow me the joys of doing everything that I wanted, including the joys of being with a beautiful woman like yourself at that age. That’s why I want to help you.” 

As soon as Joel called you beautiful, he saw your reaction. You started to blush on your cheeks from the compliment. You felt flattered by the older man that was in front of you. Meanwhile, Joel internally scolded himself at how his statement wasn't proper patient-doctor etiquette. Joel had vowed to himself that he wouldn't cross that line again, especially with you, no matter how drop dead gorgeous he thought you were.

Joel began to run a few tests with you, checking your reflexes and testing your mobility. You didn’t say anything else to him after his statement. You felt embarrassed by your actions and assumptions that he didn't care or understand, when you could clearly see that he did. The longer you looked at him, the more you could see that he was someone who truly did care about helping others. You silently wondered if his treatment would actually help.

“Dr. Miller?” you asked, wanting to scratch the itch of your curiosity in understanding the treatment that he was suggesting.

“Joel” he said as he pushed on your shoulder blades. When you winced he said “are you tender here?” as he pushed on the same spot again, but this time with a little less force.

“Yeah. I’m tender there, and everywhere,” you said with a hiss as he moved his hand down to your biceps.  “It’s tender inside every joint, and sometimes muscles. Winter’s in Minnesota aren’t too nice for people like me,” you said, head hanging low as a tear slipped down your cheeks.  

You felt Joel stop testing your joints and muscles, hands still on your arms when he placed his finger gently under your chin, slightly tilting your head up so you could look him in the eyes. After a moment he said, “Well, we’ll try to rectify that now won’t we. Massage is more than just relaxin’, it helps a lot of people in ways that can-”

“Can it cure me?” you said, interrupting him, with wide eyes. “Cause if it can cure me, I’ll do anything. But don’t tell me that it’ll work miracles. Don't get my hopes up and then have it fail. I-I can’t take it anymore with all of the disappointment” you said, closing your eyes to take a steadying breath as tears gathered at your waterline.  It has been a very long and exhausting road these past three years with your autoimmune journey. You found out early on that your body couldn’t tolerate medication, and nothing else seemed to work. 

“I can’t promise that it’ll do miracles by curin’ ya, but I can promise that I’ll try my best to make you feel better. How’s that?” Joel said with a tender voice, trying to soothe your emotional discomfort of years of failed treatments. Joel remembered reading the last line of your referral by Dr. Samson which had stated;

“No treatments have been successful. Patient has voiced wanting to stop trying autoimmune treatments, stating that she didn’t feel like it was working. Patient was informed that if she decided to fully stop taking immunosuppressant medications, that the end result would be major organ damage that could lead to death. Patient agreed to try one more treatment for pain, stating that if the treatment didn’t work, then she’d stop autoimmune treatments altogether and ‘let whatever happens, happen’.” 

‘Fuck,’ Joel had thought when he first read that last line in your medical file. Someone giving up, especially at such a young age, didn't sit well with him. Being 29, your entire world was still in front of you.  You had a lot more years and possibilities of life in front of you. Giving up wasn't something that Joel did, and the fact that you had voiced wanting to stop treatments to your doctor bothered him immensely. Truly, it wasn't necessarily the fact that you had wanted to stop treatments that upset him. It was your willingness to allow death to potentially consume you that truly got to him. You were too young to die.

20 minutes later, you were lying on your stomach with a sheet covering your lower half. You were completely naked, scolding yourself internally that you didn’t wear underware today with your pants. Joel was slowly massaging your back, trying to work out the knots that he felt in your muscles.  As his hands continued to work out the knots and tension, you felt an overwhelming sense of relief. His touch was not only skilled, but carried a reassurance that echoed through your body. You felt safe with him, safe in a way that you haven’t for a long time.  You felt like if you were near him, that he’d take all the bad in the world away for you. And if you were being honest, this comfort was something that you haven't felt in a very long time from anyone.

"You're doing great, darlin’," Joel whispered, sensing your vulnerability and turmoil you had been feeling. Joel could tell that you were working through something major in your head, just like most of his patients did. Most of the time he focused on trying to distract people from their internal thoughts, giving them a break when they were here.  But there was something about the silence between the two of you right now that he felt like you desperately needed.  Every time he’d open his mouth to ask you a question, he’d feel you tense up, and that was the last thing he wanted you to do.  So he slowly worked your sore muscles and joints, giving them the tenderness and affection that they needed, while allowing you to stay seated in silence. 

Throughout the session, Joel maintained an empathetic connection with you. He explained each technique when he’d switch it up, providing you with the most gentle sense of comfort. He’d tell you what he was going to do, if he moved down your body or up, giving you moments to breathe when he felt like it was too much. But most of all, he gave you that warmth and unawkward silence that you craved. He wanted you to just live and feel, to just be in the moment with him.

As Joel's tender touch continued, you felt a warmth spread throughout your body, slightly dissipating the pain that had lingered there for so long. His words became a comforting melody, echoing a promise to you of relief. “You’re doing so good f’me, gentle breaths in and out, there y’go.” He said, encouraging you to stay centered and remain in the moment. That was the key in pain relief, staying grounded and living within the moment. When we just allow our body to feel, and not force anything, we can find peace and calmness. These feelings of peace and calmness are what leads us to having pain relief.

As Joel moved down to your lower back, you let out a hiss in pain, followed by an “ouch that hurts.” 

“What hurts darlin’?” Joel said, slowing his deep strokes on your lower back, right above your tailbone area.  He doesn’t remember reading in your file that you had lower back pain, so this was something new that caught him a little off guard.

“Right there, low” you said, hissing again as he pressed his finger into the lower part of your back, on your left side, by your hip.

After you hissed a second time, Joel immediately stopped and walked around to the other side of the massage table. He gently pressed on your lower back and hip joint on the other side, saying, “how ‘bout over here, does this hurt?”

“No, not as bad,” you said. “It's my left side, god that hurts.” You said, as he reached over and lightly pressed on your left side once again.

“Ok, let’s try somethin’,'' Joel said, moving completely over to your left side now.  “I’m gonna hold up the blanket, where you still are covered, and I want you to flip completely on your back, okay?  I wanna see if your pain continues in a different position.”

You nodded your head and then gently felt the blankets pull off from you. Joel was completely looking away from you, giving you privacy as you turned to lay on your back instead of your stomach.  When you finally settled, you told him that you were ready. He then informed you that he was only going to uncover your left leg, to the mid thigh region.  As he did, he explained how he was going to test your leg's range of motion to see if it was your hip joint that had caused you pain. 

With only doing simple joint motions with your leg, Joel noticed that nothing was painful.  When he bent your knee, pointing your knee outwards towards the left, followed by gently lifting your leg higher, to open up your pelvis more, he didn’t see any outward signs of pain from you. 

“If I do this, does it hurt?” He said, placing a little weight on your leg.

As soon as your knee got about level with your pelvis you hissed again. Joel tried pushing down on your pelvic joint to determine where it hurt, but all you did was whimper.  The pain wasn’t coming from your joint, it was coming from someplace else deep inside of you.  When he returned your leg back down he said “I’m sorry darlin’, I can’t determine where your pain is coming from. Have you had it-”

“Just forget about it” you said, turning your head to the opposite side, closing your eyes as you felt the tears start to stream down your face.

“Hey, none of that, '' Joel said, gently turning your chin towards him so he could see your face in its entirety. “If somethin’ is hurting ya, I wanna hear about it. Help me out, where does it hurt?” When you didn’t respond right away he said, “does it hurt here” as he gently pressed on your hip bone. He watched you shake your head no.  “How about here?” He asked, moving slightly inward, towards the inside of your pelvic bone.

With a shaky breath you said, “no, but it hurts straight down, but lower and inward more.”

“Here” he said, moving down about halfway where your hip joint was, towards the inside of your pelvis.  You let out another shaky breath, closing your eyes as tears fell more from your cheeks, shaking your head no to him.  

It took Joel a second to figure it out. But when he did, he finally understood why you were crying. You were embarrassed about what was happening inside of your body. When he moved his hand down towards the lower left side quadrant of your abdomen, and gently pushed where your ovaries were, he asked, “does it hurt here darlin’?”  As soon as he applied a little bit of pressure to your left ovary area, you let out a stuttered breath, nodding your head up and down.

Joel flattened his hand on your tummy, where the sensation was, knowing what the culprit was. You were probably mid cycle and ovulating with an ovarian cyst. He didn’t remember you being pregnant, but he wanted to make sure that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy before he ruled it as an ovarian problem.

“If I press over here, does it hurt?” Joel said, pressing on the other side in the lower abdomen. You had your eyes closed, tears lightly falling, shaking your head no.

“Ok, ok, darlin’. I know, I know. Deep breaths for me though, ok?” he said, as he watched tears stream down your face. He gave you a moment to collect yourself, before he asked his next question. 

“Is there any chance you could be pregnant?” He said, slowly stroking your tummy where a baby would be laying. He knew he shouldn’t, but somehow imagining you having a swollen tummy where a baby would lay was giving him fantasies that he didn’t even know existed. 

You let out a sarcastic laugh, saying, “no, it’s not that.”

Puzzled, Joel looked at you and said, “y’know, if an ectopic pregnancy happened, y’still could have a normal period. If there’s any chance that you could be pregnant, like having unprotected sex, or even if the condom broke, you probably should-”

“Joel, I haven’t had sex in 3 years,” you said, barely above a whisper. When you noticed the shocked look on his face you turned your head away from him adding, “guys really don’t want to have sex with a woman like me.”

“What’d y’mean, a woman like you?” He said, furrowing his brows at your odd phrasing. 

“A woman who’s sick with autoimmune, Joel.” You said, closing your eyes and trying to pull back the tears that were threatening to fall again. You didn't want to have this conversation, and you sure as hell didn't want to admit how the act of even having orgasms were difficult for you. There were just some autoimmune embarrassments that you wanted to keep to yourself, no matter how much it shattered your soul inside. You didn't feel like a beautiful, young, sexy, attractive woman that you knew all the other single 29 year old ladies felt. You felt like you couldn’t offer anything to the male race that wasn't medical tests, sickness, and heartache combined.

Immediately Joel felt irritation and anger at your careless comment of how men wouldn't find you attractive or want to be with you. Without dwelling on it, Joel did the one thing that he knew he shouldn't, he opened his mouth to speak more on the issue. He hoped he could get you to understand that not all men were like this, that he sure as hell wasn't like this.

“Darlin’, boys, not real men, are like that. A real man wouldn’t allow sickness to stop him from wantin’ a beautiful woman like yourself. A real man would enjoy making you feel good.  Real men, honey, not boys.” 

Once he said it, Joel knew that he shouldn’t have opened his mouth, especially with the look that you were giving him. You looked back at him, shocked, and taken aback by his forward statement. But he couldn’t just stand there and listen to you accuse men, like him, of not caring. He would do anything to be with a beautiful woman like yourself, whether or not you were sick with a permanent illness.

After your head caught up with Joel's statement on men, you just shook your head. You then gave him a genuine, honest to god, belly laugh. “Yeah, well, Mr. Miller, show me where a real man is who wouldn’t care about all of that.  Tell me who he is, because honestly, I haven’t found one single guy out there who’d be willing to have a real relationship with me because of this illness. And for the record, I can’t even get a guy to fuck me with no strings attached either. Not that I’d want that, cause I don’t do the casual sex thing, but still, you get it.” You said, snapping right back at him. 

It was Joel's turn this time to look shocked. He thought to himself, why the hell has no one treated you right? He could see that you were exhausted with your own body and with your own life. He could tell that you were exhausted at the reminder of what you didn't have, of what your autoimmune disease had taken from you. He wondered if you ever truly tried, or if you just gave up right away. The longer he looked at you, the more he realized that you had tried, but obviously you weren't successful.

As you sat there partially propped up onto your forearms, you felt the tears well up into your eyes once again as you watched Joel look at you. You were embarrassed at what you had said. At admitting how easy it was for everyone else in the world to have relationships, everyone except you. Hell your own family even disowned you after your diagnosis stating that it was “too hard for them to handle.” So you've been doing this on your own, all alone, for the past 3 years. Exhausted didn't even come close to describing the way that you felt. 

As you gently laid back down at this realization of loneliness once again, silently scolding yourself for opening your mouth, you accidentally hit the back of your head on the table, muttering “shit” under your breath. After a moment, you heard Joel let out another long sigh and then he gently grabbed your chin and said, “hey, look at me.”

When you looked into Joel’s eyes, he was staring back at you with concern and tenderness lacing his features. Joel saw your frustration and array of emotions, and he felt like it was important for him to take away all those insecurities by telling you that he wasn't like all those other boys you were with. With a slight smile, he gently cupped your cheek and said, “darlin’, a real man, like me, doesn’t fucking care if you’re sick or not. Men, like me honey, would take care of you regardless of the problems that you have. And honestly, it’s a damn shame that no one has ever taken their time with you, making sure your needs were met. If I was with you, I'd make damn sure you were enjoying it the entire time.” 

Joel then removed his hand and placed both hands on the side of the massage table, stepping back and exhaling through his mouth as he looked down at the ground.  He knew he needed to end this session right now. He's already stepped over far too many lines, and if he didn't watch it, he'd cross an even bigger one of showing you how a real man gave a beautiful woman pleasure.

You laid there watching the turmoil unfold on Joel's face. He wouldn't look up at you, kept staring down at the floor, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet periodically.  He had checked his watch several times, attempted to clear his throat once, and had quickly glanced out the window. You knew those signs, he was trying to find a nice way to end the session or end the conversation. The more you watched him, the more upset you got. 

After Joel stood there staring outside for a while, he finally cleared his throat again. “I- uh, I think Dr. Anderson can probably help you better, she’s very good with this type of stuff,” he said, waving his arm at you, but not looking at you. 

When he straightened up to walk away you closed your eyes and said in a soft voice, “Please, please, help me.” You wanted to keep your voice steady, but you found that it slightly cracked at the end, which made you internally scold yourself. You weren't a weak person by nature, you couldn't afford to be with a disease that was slowly destroying your organs and killing you from the inside out. But somehow you felt like you were weak, like you were just a shell of the person that you once were. At first, when you asked for his help, you didn't know what exactly you were asking for. But as the seconds ticked by, with him not answering, you realized that you were pleading for him to see you.

Without looking at you, Joel asked in a gentle tone, “what do y’need help with?” When he turned back around towards you, his eyes were closed, and he was taking several steadying breaths. He was trying to calm his nerves and to silence the war that was going on in his mind. His mind was screaming at him, reminding him that this was inappropriate patient-doctor conversation or relations. He knew he needed to stop. So it shocked him to hear himself say a little louder, “Darlin’, what do you need help with?”

You just stared up at him, searching his face to see if what you wanted to voice was okay for you to do. You wanted him, as a man, to find you attractive and to touch you. But how could you ask him to go against all of his code of ethics as a medical provider just to touch you like a husband would touch a wife, desperately and passionately.  You didn’t even know if he was married, or even in a relationship with someone else. 

As Joel opened his eyes, he looked down at you, and it was then that he knew what you wanted. You were looking at him the same way his ex-wife used to look at him from time to time. When she’d plead with him to fuck her, to silence all her insecurities in her head. He hasn't seen a woman look at him like that for almost 20 years, and it did something to him. It made his resolve crumble instantly where he said ‘fuck it' in his own head, and he gave in to his primal instinct of helping you as a man, not as your doctor.

“Baby, come on. I ain’t gonna ask y’again.  What is it that you need, honey? Tell me, and I'll do it.”

“Joel, please,” was all you could say, begging him with your eyes, trying to tell him what you wanted.

“No, now, come on. Y'gotta use your words for me. Be a good girl and tell Daddy what he can do to help you and make you feel better.”

As soon as Joel had said the word daddy, he instantly scolded himself. But when he saw your eyes glaze over with arousal at the name, he knew what you wanted. You lightly whimpered and started squeezing your thighs tight together. 

Joel felt dizzy for a moment as blood rushed fast to his cock at your whimper, his cock hardening to the point of being painful. But this wasn't about him. This was about you, about showing you that a real man, like him, could give you affection and attention like you so desperately needed. 

He walked towards you, gently placing his hand onto your thigh, lightly stroking it. He was trying to center you and help you communicate with him in what you wanted and needed. He knew all of this was wrong, but he couldn't help himself, especially when you begged him to touch you.

“Joel, please, touch me,” you said, while grabbing his hand and guiding it to below the blanket to where you were practically throbbing. 

“F-fuck,” Joel slightly moaned, closing his eyes at the feeling of you not wearing any underwear as he touched your slick velvet folds underneath the blanket with his hand. Your lips were slightly swollen, aroused, and desperately needing attention. You were making a mess on his table, slick pouring out of you from your needy little hole. You wanted Joel to help soothe the ache deep within you, to take your pain away.

Joel slowly moved his finger down to your center. Feeling your pussy spasm and clench around nothing. He rested his finger at your opening, not pushing his finger inside of you just yet, but slowly stroking it with feather-like touches. “Baby, we shouldn’t do this” he said, still slowly circling your opening, and not stopping or pushing his finger in. He needed to hear your verbal confession that you wanted this, that you wanted him. As Joel felt your hole clench a second time at nothing, he said, “baby, please, say somethin’.”

You moaned slightly while opening your hips up to allow him better access to you. “More” was the only audible thing that you could say at the moment. And that's when Joel’s resolve fully crumbled, and he pushed two fingers knuckle deep inside of you, stretching you perfectly around him.

“Fuck baby, that's tight. Ya squeezing my fingers in a goddamn vice.” He said, growling low, followed by a soft grunt.

You willed yourself to relax, to allow Joel in more. To allow him to get deeper within you, to where you knew that you needed him. To say his fingers were a stretch was an understatement. His fingers were longer and thicker than what you were used to. It was a comfortable stretch, but almost borderline on being painful. You've never been stretched out this much with just fingers alone. If you had to guess by his slow movements he was doing right now, you thought that Joel was a very experienced man, especially when he curled his fingers and found that spot deep within you that you've never found before. As soon as he hit it, your eyes rolled back in your head and you softly moaned “fuuuck.”

“There she is, right there huh, baby?” He said, angling his hand a bit more to get a little deeper as he started to stroke your g-spot with those perfected come hither movements. 

Joel was good at three things: First, he was a very hard worker. He had the perfect street smarts to own and operate two successful businesses in his lifetime. Second, he was an amazing father. Always listening and being there for his girls. And finally, he was an attentive lover. He listened, and found what worked for every woman that he’s ever been with. He knew how to fuck a woman just right, and how to bring her the most and best pleasure.  And that was something that he made sure you understood at the moment with his fingers.

As Joel continued to work his magic with his fingers, pushing them a little deeper inside of you, and picking up the pace in stroking you, you felt your walls spasm more. You let out a low moan, breathing starting to become erratic as the sensation of pleasure took over your body. You were right, you obviously hadn't had a good fuck for a long time, especially considering that you were not far from coming undone on just his fingers alone with no clit stimulation whatsoever. And if you could describe the feeling that you were feeling right now with his fingers moving inside of you, you would describe it as being ‘fucking fantastic.’

Joel found himself matching your small moan with a groan of his own, especially when he looked down and noticed your pussy was dripping all over him. He slowly started withdrawing his fingers, giving you time to adjust, before pushing them back in. It was obscene, the wet squelching noises that your beautiful cunt was making for him. You were biting your lip, eyes casted away from him. He gently grabbed your chin with his other hand, turning you towards him while saying “no darlin’, eyes right here. Ya keep ‘em on me, ok?” He said, as he slowly kept pushing his fingers in and out of you. He kept up the slow pace for a bit, working you up, not wanting to fully tip you over the edge just yet. He knew that you needed this, that you needed to enjoy the experience.

“Joel, it feels- fuck, it feels, it feels,” you were at a loss for words at the moment. You were struggling to keep your eyes on him right now, fighting them from wanting to roll back into your head at the sensation of pleasure.

“I know baby. Fuck, just listen to her, she needs this huh? Your pussy needs this, doesn’t she? This. Nice. Slow. Finger. Fuck, huh?” He said, slowing down more and thrusting harder with his fingers at every word he said, drawing out your pleasure more. The longer he fucked you slow with his fingers, the more your pussy gripped him hard, sucking him in, not wanting him to leave.  You were panting, starting to squirm, getting lost in the pleasure.  Joel wanted to tease you a little longer, but he figured you weren’t used to this kind of play.  Something he intended to do next time he had you alone, preferably in his bed with you begging for his cock. 

When Joel saw you start to match his thrusts with your own, he knew it was time for him to tip you over the edge. So Joel really started to finger fuck you you now, the way that he knew women liked. When he did that, you cried out at the stimulation and surprise of his actions.

“Shhh baby, it's alright,” he said, cooing at you to quiet you down. “Now, darlin’, you’re gonna be a good girl and come all over these fingers, ok? Then you're getting a full refund today. I don't charge money to finger fuck my clients.”

You nodded your head, trying to keep your eyes open as Joel massaged the inside of your velvety warm walls, getting closer to the edge.  Your toes were starting to curl, breathing was very erratic. You were getting very close to cumming.

“And lastly sweetheart,” he said, putting pressure down on your lower abdomen, and curling his fingers in a way that he knew would make your vision go blurry, while building a firm pressure sensation inside of your abdomen. “You must communicate with me with your words when something doesn't feel good, or if you want me to do something differently. You know your body better than me honey. I don't, so help me make you feel good. Okay?”

Fuck you were wrecked, seconds away from crashing through, or into, a brick wall with an orgasm, you thought.  This felt different though, so much different than what you’ve ever experienced before. “Joel, fuck, pressure, it’s a lot of pressure and I’m, fuck, I’m, I’m-”

“Come f’me sweetheart. Come on baby, fucking soak my fingers” Joel growled in your ear as the rubberband inside of you snapped hard. When it did, your cunt seized around his fingers as you felt the gush of fluid come out of you, he made you squirt for the first time. Your vision went white, ears ringing, legs shaking from the intensity of it all.  You’ve never come so hard ever in your life, and you couldn’t help the loud moan that escaped your lips around Joel’s hand that was now covering your mouth. He continued to fuck you through your orgasm, whispering “good fucking girl” with a strained voice as he watched you come undone. His own pupils were blown wide, eyes impossibly dark with lust, wanting nothing more than to bury his cock deep inside of you, to feel you spasm around him hard like this.  But that would have to happen at a later time.  Today was about you, about giving you something that you needed, attention from a man.  You were a beautiful woman, and you deserved to have a man take care of you in this way, and other ways too, even if you did have autoimmune disease. 

Joel continued to slowly work you through your high, pumping his fingers gently in and out of you. When you finally came back to Earth, he removed his soaked fingers from your cunt and then he slammed his lips hard against your mouth, kissing you fervently. You licked the seam of his lips, asking for access into his mouth, which he quickly granted. You two were wrestling your tongues together, each seeking dominance over the other. Joel has never been kissed like this, with so much passion that he hated pulling away from you mere moments later, gasping for breath as his heart raced out of control in his chest. 

“Fuck woman, no one’s ever kissed me like that,” he said, gasping for breath. Joel placed his forehead gently against yours, eyes closed, breathing you in as his heart rate slowed in his chest.

“Do you want me to take care of you?” you asked, laying your hand gently on his crotch, feeling him buck slightly into your touch beneath you.

“No baby, I wanna do this right, take ya out first, if y’don’t mind.”

“You don't have to if you don't want to, I mean-”

Joel snapped open his eyes and stood up looking at you, furrowing his brows. He then shook his head and said “don't”, and walked over to the sink in the corner of the room to wash his hands. You sat up, chewing on your lip, overthinking things once again. After a moment of silence you heard him speak when he shut the water off.

“I'm not some 20 year old punk ass boy who only cares about getting his own rocks off, darlin'. I don't do that sort of thing. Now, if you don't want to have dinner with me, then that's fine. But I'd really like to take y’out.”

“Like a date?” You asked, looking into his eyes hopeful.

“Yes baby, like a date.” He said, standing in front of you, holding a robe up for you to take to cover your naked body up.

“Yeah, but what happens when I- when we- when it's done? Or what happens if I can't because of this- because of autoimmune?” you say, motioning your hand up and down at your body. 

Joel took a big breath in, and then slowly let it out through his nose. He then cupped your face with both hands and said, “ok, I'm gonna stop you right there. First, I don't fuck on the first date, ok, so don't worry your pretty lil’ head about it. And second, I don't give a damn if we have to reschedule. I understand you have autoimmune disease, remember I've read your file.” Joel immediately winced at that reminder, of how he has crossed every line in the sand with his actions. He didn't know how he was going to explain to Dr. Samson that his treatment wouldn't work with you and that he was going to refer you to Dr. Anderson. It was going to cost him big time, he knew that. Dr. Linda Anderson wouldn't just drop it, she'd want an explanation. But Joel couldn't think about that right now, he'd deal with it and her later.

“But Joel it's-”

“Do you not want to go out to dinner with me?” He asked, the color draining from him face. Did he read you wrong? Were you just looking for a quick orgasm and nothing more? He rubbed his neck in embarrassment, thinking he completely fucked up at your signals once again. “You-uh, you don't have to say yes if you don't want to. I mean, if I read you wrong you can- uh, no pressure to say no.” He was internally scolding himself at this entire situation, of how much he's fucked up today. His ex-wife was right, he thought, he definitely doesn’t understand what women need nor want. Proof was here, right in front of him, with your reluctance to say yes to just dinner. 

Joel turned to walk out, mumbling “I'll give you some privacy to get dressed. I'll tell Ashley to give you a refund when I see her tomorrow, don’t worry, she’s already left for the day. And you can just forget about today if you want, if I made you feel uncomfortable. I’ll sorry, I just-”

“Stop, please,” you said, grabbing his arm. “Don't leave. Everyone does, everyone leaves me. I-I want you to stay with me right now, please.” 

Joel stopped and looked at you, seeing the gears in your head turning. After a moment he said, “please honey, ya gotta tell me what you're thinking. I can't-”

“I want to go out on a date with you Joel, it's just, don't have high expectations or hopes for me, ok? Men do, and then as they get to know me they- they get mad when I don't meet something that they wanted. I- this- it’s hard ok? It’s hard ‘cause I have a gorgeous man in front of me that I've been attracted to since the moment I saw him, and all I want is for him to see me. To really see me. And I- I don’t wanna fuck that all up where you hate me, or think I’m a failure and I- I should just really stop talking.” You said, laughing at yourself and blushing at the fact that you just spilled all of your insecurities in the air to a stranger. A very hot stranger, but a stranger nevertheless.

“Honey,” he said, grabbing your hand softly. “I want all that too and, if I'm being honest, I'm a little scared of a date too as it's been a long time since I've done this. The whole dating thing, it hasn’t been a priority of mine for a while. But I wanna do it f’you, with you. We can take it slow, we can figure it out together, ok? How does that sound?” Joel then leaned in and gave you a soft, delicate kiss on your lips, one that immediately calmed your nerves. 

“Ok, yes. Dinner would be great,” you said, a tad breathless after Joel pulled away from kissing you. You took a moment to compose yourself, to will the butterflies to calm down in your tummy at the thought of getting a chance to have a date with this man.

Joel watched the blush rise up in your cheeks, and if he was being honest, it flattered the hell out of him.  That a simple gentle kiss could get you all hot and bothered, where you were blushing for him. “Ok, good,” he said, smiling. “How about I pick you up around 6pm this Saturday?”

You nodded your head, and noticed that Joel furrowed his brows at the lack of your speaking to him again.  You quickly said, “Saturday would be perfect.” 

Joel stood there for a moment, glancing over your features, looking at you intently, making sure that you in fact truly wanted this.  Once he found what he was looking for, he stepped back and gave you a small smirk. 

“Ok, darlin’. Now for life's biggest, and most important question. What toppings do y’like on your Pizza?”  Joel decided to take you to his favorite pizza place on Saturday.  When he saw you smile, he knew that he picked a good choice.

“Well Miller,” you said, while giving him your best playful smirk. “You’re just going to have to take me out to find out.”

End of Part 1

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

Top banner by Artist on Instagram: caimages_love

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[otakusheep15]

Hey, sorry if your requests are full, and don't bother if you don't want to do it. But, I have four autoimmune conditions, and I'm wondering if you can make the Obey Me brothers (and any others you want) react to them. I have arthritis, which, for me, means the cartilage between my joints swells, causing pain, especially when it rains, snows, etc. I also have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is hyper flexibility (that with my arthritis means my joints pop out of place a lot), and I have localized scleroderma which means "hardening of the skin" and anywhere I get hurt has a chance of becoming a scleroderma spot which is where my immune system attacks the muscle underneath it, causing silvery bruised areas that dent in and i scar super easily. I have one big one right over my shoulder blade. And finally I have multi-connective-tissue-disease which means I have symptoms of other autoimmune conditions, the most noticeable one if occasionally my lungs try to fill with fluid (not bad enough that I can't breath, but enough that my lungs feel half the size). I got all of these diagnoses between the ages of 10 and 14. If you want to only do one or two of these, it'll be fine, but I haven't been able to find anything remotely close to this in someone else's posts. I do have a high pain tolerance, so I can still do almost anything others can do (except the monkey bars 🥲), and I walk with a cane on bad days. Stress does make my conditions worse. (Also, Mammon and Levi are my faves, and I like Asmo less.) Thanks a lot if you decide to do this! 😊

Of course, I can absolutely do this! I'm not the most familiar with autoimmune conditions, so a lot of what I mention is coming from google research and outside sources. If anything sounds incorrect, please let me know so I can fix it!

Also, so that this can relate to as many people as possible, I'm going to try and keep the specifics vague. I hope that's alright!

So, first things first: the Devildom is not exactly the most accommodating for you. It's unfortunate but it's true. If you need anything specific, you need to let someone (like Lucifer, Barbatos, or Diavolo) know so that they can better help you during your stay. Otherwise, you'll pretty much be on your own.

The first couple of weeks are a struggle. As you're getting to know everyone, not many of them are willing to help you immediately. As you make pacts and form bonds, they're more willing to understand your condition(s) and help you out, but it takes a while.

Getting around the Devildom is probably your biggest struggle, especially if you use any sort of mobility aid, or if you're less physically capable. Everything was built with demons in mind, and demons are already more advanced than the average human, so you can imagine how someone with your condition(s) might fare.

Luckily, you have all of the Devildom's most powerful demons on your side, and they're more than happy to help you once you've made connections. If there's a long set of stairs you can't get up, Mammon or Beel will absolutely carry you. If you need to take a break and catch your breath, Levi and Belphie will stick with you so you don't feel lonely. If someone is making fun of you or bullying you, Asmo, Lucifer, and Satan are all ready to throw hands on your behalf.

You also (somewhat accidentally) help bring about a lot of change to the Devildom. Diavolo sees how often you struggle to get around, what with all of the demon-centric architecture, and decides that it needs to change, especially if he wants to better relations with humans. He makes a lot of areas more accessible to those with mobility aids, and he also makes sure to place more rest stops (such as benches) around places that didn't previously have many places to rest. He also introduces more education on autoimmunity into RAD so that more demons can know about all the different types of conditions a human can have.

If you're having a bad pain day, your favorite brother is by your side the entire time, tending to your every need. Since the request mentioned Levi and Mammon, I'll use them as examples.

Mammon is lowkey worrying over you if you're having a bad pain day, but he's doing his best. Most of his day is spent grabbing things around the house for you. He brings you water, cooks you food, and finds sources of entertainment for you. If you have any sort of ointments or creams applied to your skin, he's very gentle with you as he helps you. He's also good at massages if you think it'll help you. If you desperately need to go somewhere, he is picking you up and carrying you there himself.

Levi is surprisingly good at taking care of you. He originally wanted to keep you in his room, but he realized his bathtub might not be comfortable to you while you're in pain, so he stays in your room. He brings plenty of snacks and drinks, as well as games and anime to keep you entertained. Most of your time is spent cuddling in bed while watching comfort anime. He does worry about accidentally making your pain worse somehow, but he does his best.

Overall, having any sort of autoimmune condition will definitely be a struggle during your time in the Devildom, but it gets better as you spend time there. You have a great support system of demons ready at your beck and call, all more than willing to take care of you.

[cripplecharacters]

I've considered the main character in one of my ideas having Klinefelter's, but not knowing it (he only knows he's somehow intersex because when he uses magic to shapeshift into a cat, his cat form is a tortie).

I don't remember how him having Klinefelter's entered consideration, but like most people with Klinefelter's he looks and sounds "normal" for a man, his height is above average (6'2" in a time and place where the average amab height was 5'8" or 5'9"), he's lean and has a long sharp face. He has less body hair than normal and can't grow a good beard or a mustache. He's also infertile, but that propably won't come up because he's a sex-repulsed gay ace [i'm gay ace, though not intersex]. I guess he has a higher level of anxiety, since he's prone to overthinking and stressing about things (that are often reasonable sources of stress though, so idk if that counts).

So basically the questions are;

Apparently people who have Klinefelter's often have deficits in executive functions, which he would have in some form anyway because he's autistic. Or does that mean different types of deficits or something? Now while typing this i discover that's is estimated 10% of people with Klinefelter's are autistic. Is this a problem? (i'm autistic myself)

Apparently while Klinefelter can cause low intelligence, most have average intelligence. Could this specific person still have above average intelligence?

How common is osteoporosis in people who have Klinefelter's, btw? That part has me concerned because this is a superhero story and the character gets in a lot of fights which would result in things getting broken.

How poor is the "poor coordination" and how common is it? I had thought the character would be a master sharpshooter, and he also practices a martial art.

How likely are people with Klinefelter's have autoimmune disorders?

To clarify, while i don't remember when or how i came to consider making the character have Klinefelter's, he was already autistic and asexual in my mind long before that and i'm a gay ace myself.

Hi!

In general, chromosomal differences cause neurodevelopmental differences.

For anything other than sex chromosome differences, this is intellectual disability 100% of the time, often comorbid with other conditions as well.

For chromosomal intersex conditions, there are strong links with autism, dyspraxia, dyslexia, and other learning disabilities, as well as intellectual disability (although that is not a guarantee the way it is with chromosomal differences on other chromosomes).

All this to say: it is realistic for your character to be autistic, but between Klinefelter's and autism comorbidities, it is unlikely that he would have above average intelligence and not have dyspraxia. It's possible, but the chances are low, and I think creating your character this way would erase what most people with Klinefelter's actually experience.

There is an increased risk of autoimmune disorders such as lupus and rheumatoid arthritis in people with Klinefelter's, although this increased risk is compared to a perisex male. People with Klinefelter's have about the same risk of those conditions as a perisex female.

About 1 in 6 people with Klinefelter's have osteoporosis, and nearly half have osteopenia. So it is likely that your character will have lower bone density and higher risk of breakage.

I also want to note that Klinefelter's is associated with lower testosterone (which it seems like your character does experience) as well as breast tissue growth, so consider whether your character was given testosterone hormone therapy as a teenager, and if not, how he may sound or look. Your physical description mostly sounds good though.

Overall, I think this character needs more work to actually integrate being intersex into his character design.

Mod Rock

[macgyvermedical]

Curious if you know much about food sensitivity testing. My cousin's SIL is purportedly a wellness NP and has their whole family getting their sensitivities checked every 3-6 months with lab draws. I always thought allergy testing was done with scratch test on skin. And like how do you cast a wide enough net to test for everything? I didn't think labs really worked like that? I thought you kind of had to test for specific things and almost like a process of elimination.

It seems as though every time cousin gets tested there is a whole list of foods she should remove from her diet because she is "sensitive" to them. It always feels like that list is whatever she's been eating most recently (and usually that food is something that she used as a replacement for something she was sensitive to last time) for example she cut out cow's milk and went oat because oat was ok on the list. Then all of a sudden oat wasn't ok anymore and she went coconut. Now coconut is supposedly causing trouble. Cousin said she didn't think she was having issues with it but is now looking for alternatives and I'm just worried about her.

When I asked the SIL what the sensitivities mean the response was that it causes inflammation which can lead to skin conditions, weight gain, problems in the digestive tract, or cancer.

Obviously I know food sensitivities exist and that there's a lot of processed garbage in our food the whole thing just feels off.

No worries if you don't want to answer thing or if you don't know. This is partially me venting in your askbox

Before we can talk about what your SIL is probably doing, we have to talk about food allergies, food sensitivities, and how we test for them.

A food allergy is an inappropriate immune reaction to a chemical that is present in a food.

The first type is the "immediate" type. When the food is ingested, the body's immune system misidentifies one or more proteins in that food as dangerous and "overreacts" by creating an antibody called immunoglobulin E. Immunoglobulin E (aka IgE), triggers the release of histamine and other chemicals that, in the extreme excess caused by IgE, cause symptoms like itching, swelling, hives, low blood pressure, difficulty breathing, vomiting and diarrhea. These symptoms can be life threatening. Less severe versions of this can trigger gastritis, brain fog, asthma, and non-life-threatening versions of the symptoms listed above.

Proteins from peanuts, tree nuts, cow's milk, eggs, fish, shellfish, soy, wheat, and sesame cause about 90% of these allergic reactions.

There are other immune reactions and other Immunoglobulins. For example, there is immunoglobulin G, which serves as a "memory" and helps protects against viruses and bacteria. IgG essentially makes an impression of everything that comes into the body. When you get titers drawn to determine whether you're immune to something (a test you might need to get if you work in the medical field), the test looks for specific types of IgG to determine whether your body still remembers the virus or bacteria you were immunized against or exposed to. More about this later.

IgG, along with IgA and IgM can contribute to autoimmune conditions like MS, graves disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and lupus (which are very technically allergic reactions to oneself).

A food sensitivity or intolerance on the other hand is a condition caused when a person doesn't have the necessary enzymes or microbiome to digest a particular sugar or protein in a food. Food sensitivities do not have anything to do with the immune system. Instead, they have to do with digestion. A food sensitivity often results in bloating, gas, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. While unpleasant, you won't die from an intolerance or sensitivity.

While not technically an allergy or a sensitivity, people also may have conditions that are exacerbated by certain foods, such as sugar or wheat exacerbating arthritis.

Now onto the testing. Allergy testing comes in several forms. You can do blood testing for specific allergens by looking for specific IgE allergens. For example, if you suspect you are allergic to peanuts, you can have blood drawn to check for peanut IgEs. You can also do a skin test, where a section of skin is marked with a grid and small amounts of allergens, along with control solutions, are injected into each section. A welt forms if the substance triggers histamine, and means the person is allergic to the substance. Another test is simply to give the food (in a controlled setting) in increasing amounts until the person has an observable reaction.

For non-dangerous allergic reactions and intolerances, an elimination diet can be done, where a person limits themselves to foods they know are completely safe, wait for symptoms to go away, and then start adding in foods one by one and documenting responses. This can take several months but can be worth it for someone who feels they have many foods that trigger unpleasant symptoms.

What your SIL is probably doing:

There are many companies that offer home allergy testing. This is usually done with a card, where someone places a few drops of blood on the card, mails it in, and gets results for between 90 and 100 different substances.

The problem is, home allergy tests do not test for IgEs. They test for IgGs. Remember that IgGs don't have anything to do with allergic reactions- just the presence or absence of a recent ingestion. All IgG testing does is say "yup, dude ate some peanuts recently".

You might then connect "hey, when I eat wheat my arthritis gets worse, and you said arthritis is partially caused by IgGs" well yes, but your arthritis is caused by IgGs that have identified your cells (among other things), while the antibodies tested for in the test are the ones which have identified the wheat proteins. Just any ol IgG won't do- it's gotta be specific. Wheat may be doing something to aggravate your arthritis, but wheat IgG's aren't what that is.

To be clear, this isn't just my opinion. Every allergy-related organization in the world is in agreement- IgG testing does nothing to determine what you're actually allergic to. We have lots of tests that work for that. IgG testing just tests for what you've eaten or been exposed to recently. Which sounds exactly like what your cousin is experiencing.

R E F E R E N C E S

[cripple-culture-is]

I'm not sure having arthritis would really make you physically disabled/crippled. Yes, it's a leading cause of disability, but not everyone with arthritis is disabled. My grandma has arthritis in her hands and hips, and she isn't disabled because of it. I also have a friend with juvenile arthritis (oligoarticular), and she isn't disabled because of it, nor does she consider herself disabled. Even though arthritis IS a disability, I'm kind of concerned that you are calling yourself crippled when you likely aren't. Juvenile arthritis isn't that severe of a disability

With all due respect, you don't know my history. When it comes to your grandma, we're likely talking about two different forms of arthritis. There's a high chance she has osteoarthritis, not autoimmune arthritis. Someone CAN be physically disabled due to osteoarthritis, but I can't sit here and pretend that the two are the exact same thing when they aren't.

As for your friend, they're not the same as I am. You are right in saying that not every single person with arthritis is disabled. Not all of them are. But we can't compare my struggles with JIA to your friend's struggles with JIA.

I don't like playing the comparison game. I think it invalidates the struggles of other people. I don't believe that there's a disability 'hierarchy' of sorts. However, at the same time, oligoarticular is a form of juvenile arthritis that has 1-4 joints affected by arthritis. The max amount of joints affected for oligoarticular is always four. The moment you get 5+, you have polyarticular.

My type is polyarticular. And while I'm RF-negative, not having the same disease progression and severity that many people with RF-positive have, that doesn't mean my struggles are any less valid.

I have arthritis in my jaw, cervical spine (neck), shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles, and toes. I also have arthritis in my ribs, collarbone, and spine. Not including those three though, that means that I have a MINIMUM of 59 joints affected by my arthritis.

The human body is estimated to have 250-350 joints in it. 59 joints is either 1/6 or 1/4 of the joints in the human body.

And actually, when I was diagnosed, my parents were told that I had arthritis in every single joint in my body, if that means anything to you.

Like I said, I hate playing the comparison game, but I don't think that we can compare your friend's 4 or less joints affected oligoarticular JIA to my 59+ joints affected polyarticular JIA, just like I can't compare MY arthritis subtype to someone who has organ involvement such as occurs with systemic.

Just because one person with arthritis isn't affected that severely doesn't mean that there aren't people with arthritis who ARE affected severely.

When I was 6 years old, I was given a disability placard and plates due to my arthritis, so I AM actually physically disabled. Due to my issues walking as a kid, I was even offered a wheelchair that I ended up refusing.

You don't know my medical history. I am not 'parading around' as physically disabled. I AM physically disabled. I AM crippled. And I think my disability parking permits and my minimum of 59 joint involvement (again, not including my ribs, collarbone, and spine) is enough for me to call myself crippled.

I don't technically have to explain myself to people like you, though I will, solely to educate others if they wonder the same thing you do.

[harrywavycurly]

I’d love a conversation between reader and Eddie, I’m a premed student so I wonder how he would handle conversations with me because I totally geek out over everything, pretty please.

On a date one time a guy started choking and I said “omg that sucks that your epiglottis had a disfunction, I hope you didn’t aspirate!”

He never called me back 🫣

Hiiii babes!! Firstly you’re amazing for being a premed student like holy shit that’s awesome🥳 Also shame on that dude for not calling you back! That’s rude you’re just letting him know what’s going on with his body lol I hope you like these!!💖 (so sorry if these are horrible lol I used google for my research lol)

*Eddie loves when you talk medical terms to him even if half the time he doesn’t have a clue what you’re talking about*

“It’s just a cut baby.” “Let me see.” “What’s your diagnosis? Do I need stitches? Amputation?” “Ohh it looks like the blood has already clotted and formed a scab…it should heal nicely. No amputation or stitches needed.” “Clotted? Is that going to leave a scar?” “No honey it just means it’s healing.” “Oh right. I totally knew that.”

“What’s that thing in your heart that makes it burn when I eat spicy food?” “Are you asking what causes heartburn?” “Is that what it’s called?” “Yes baby it’s called heartburn and it’s not actually your heart that is a issue it’s just called that because you feel the pain in your chest.” “Really? So my heart isn’t actually on fire?” “No your heart isn’t on fire.” “Then what is actually going on then?” “Sometimes, the valve that separates your stomach and esophagus doesn’t really close properly, and some of the acidic mixture from your stomach goes back up the esophagus.” “And that causes the pain?” “Yes it causes reflux and that’s what makes you feel uncomfortable.” “My baby is so smart.” “You’re so ridiculous.” “Maybe so but you’re still my little smarty pants.”

“Say it again.” “Why?” “I like how it sounds.” “You like how rheumatoid arthritis sounds?” “Yes it like tickles my ears in a weirdly satisfying way.” “Oh that’s your autonomous sensory meridian response or ASMR for short.” “What’s that? Is it bad?” “It’s like getting a tingling sensation when you hear certain sounds.” “But what’s the arthritis thing you were talking about?” “It’s an autoimmune disease where your body’s immune system kinda mistakenly attacks its own tissue. So it can cause joint damage and pain.” “Is that why my wrist hurts?” “No baby that’s not why your wrist hurts.” “How do you know?” “Because your wrist hurts because you closed your hand in the drawer in the bathroom…” “oh right. I did do that.”

[asimmingpunsquared]

life udpate

hello everybody! i am still around and i am still playing the sims, i just don't have any edited pictures to post. i am still deep in the trenches of organizing my cc, which is a lifelong battle, i guess.

i go by any pronouns now. accepting my autism has also led me to accepting that i'm pretty much agender. i'm still a huge feminist, but i don't care about how the world perceives me/i don't put a lot of effort into perceiving myself. "any pronouns, agender" is the best way i've come up with to express this.

my med change process ended up being completely moot, i'm just back on the original medication. however, there is an update regarding the fatigue that set it all off. i'm pretty sure i have lupus. i have family members that have it and two weeks ago i got a bunch of autoimmune symptoms at once (that i'm still experiencing). i also have the classic butterfly rash that i've had for years. i have a doctor's appointment on wednesday to address this. they say lupus starts appearing around age 30 and i'm 27, so the timeline is right.

what does this mean? honestly, not a lot. i already work from home as an independent contractor, so my lifestyle isn't going to be that affected. if anything, getting treatment will only improve my life. my major symptoms are general fatigue, migraine headaches, and bipolar-like psychiatric symptoms, so hopefully i'll be able to address these. i also get low-grade fevers (especially when exhausted), i'm prone to rashes and hives, and this flare-up has caused joint swelling on both my wrists which is pretty miserable.

the wrist thing is the biggest issue, since all my hobbies and work involve typing or holding a pen. luckily, if it is lupus, lupus joint pain doesn't really cause any lasting damage, unlike other forms of arthritis. i've tried a bunch of stuff and nothing has taken the swelling down, so i'm hoping to get a brace from the rheumatologist on wednesday. my ankles also bother me sometimes, but that's more manageable.

my partner is amazing throughout all this and very accepting, of course. it helps that he's a veterinarian which means he has enough medical knowledge (animals also get lupus, apparently!) to help me with my symptoms.

i used to want biological children, quite badly, but then i got with my partner, and we don't have the matching biology to make a baby naturally. we started talking about adoption (in the future, like when we're near 40) and i'm fully on board with adopting, especially in brazil where we live, as the system is much better for the children. now that i'm aware of the autoimmune disease that runs in my family, i definitely don't want to have biological children. i've considered (if we can afford it) implanting my partner's eggs into my womb to carry, but i think pregnancy would be much too rough on me, much less the baby. our ideal situation would be being financially stable, established, and adopting an older sibling pair or trio. we'll see how it goes with my autoimmune disease.

anyway, back to the sims. i'm in year 4 week 5 of stilla and everything is still hanging on. i fully plan on playing it through to the end and updating all my challenges. it gives me joy. and now that i've accepted my life might be a little more slow-paced, that's okay.

[cpunkwitch]

Okay okay okay

I have thoughts

What disabilities do you think Aughra (from Dark Crystal) has?

HEADCANON TIME

Mother aughra, a cane user, has some form of arthritis and/or other autoimmunities, possibly chronic pain and fatigue considering how long she just layed there one eye towards the stars astral projecting and not using her body

Granted her cane is a walking stick and probably isn't great on her wrist she definitely has a claw from it

I wanna say she could have asthma or a heart condition, requiring her to take long rests, yelling and excessive physical activity don't just tire her out but cause her to be winded and dizzy among other things and the fact she does best out in nature like by the sanctuary tree means she does better in cleaner air

No doubt the skeks have more than just polluted the ground with the blight but the air too especially closest to them but they're all so used to it only mother aughra notices it.

It would probably be stereotypical (and incorrect) to say she has cataracts, a classic old hag in the woods thing, her eyes seem to work really well especially detached from her head but that's where I wanna say something about her eyes, I think the one she takes out is a glass eye magically connected to her hence why she can see and hear through it in the castle so far away from it.

As for anything else

I'm unsure

We love her lots, Cass misses her (so does brea not that she fronts much)

[gornackeaterofworlds]

Posting to expand on just what my au is/what's going on. It's not simply a human remake, though it did start out that way. Chronologically:

Draxum hates humanity. That much is canonical to the show. But where it diverges in my au is his process of making mutants. Instead of taking animals and mixing their DNA with people(Lou specifically), he took "abandoned" human eggs to mix with Lou's DNA to form an embryo and *then* mix it with animal DNA. However, after doing the Lou portion first is when Yoshi was able to break free, taking the test tube babies with him. So they weren't able to be mutated, and neither was he.

The age differences went like this: Draxum used Raph's egg as a test to see if it worked. Once the embryo stabilized, he then did Donnie and Leo, and a few months into their incubation was Mikey. He had been waiting until they were born babies to mix them with animal DNA, but due to his ignorance on baby care Raph had a sickly period and the entire thing was shoved off.

How did they not recognize their father as Lou Jitsu? He's old! In my au he was Lou from age 20 to 28, trapped in the battle nexus until age 34/35, and then it's another 13 years until his sons find out he's Lou Jitsu. So he definitely looks different. And that's intentional, on his part. He was wanted by not only Draxum but Big Mama, and thus the entire Hidden City authorities on her payroll. He grew out his hair, restyled it, dressed much less flashy. And raising 4 sons all alone as a criminal put some greys in his hair, for sure.

Are there still mutants in the au? Of course! That entire aspect is the same, minus the fact the boys and Splinter are mutants. Though, because of their whole "we're the children of two presumably dead people and also live in the sewers", they're just as tolerant. Also, Piebald is a mutant still.

Who is their mother/egg donor? An original character named Cyra Raheem. She was a founder and data analyst for a software development company, which is a fancy legal way of saying she was a "hacker". She'd stored and frozen her eggs in the hope that she'd one day have the free time for children, but disappeared sometime shortly after Lou Jitsu was taken into yhe Battle Nexus. The eggs stayed frozen for a few years after, until Draxum sought a maternal "donor", and her past high status in illegal spaces caught his attention. Finding out she had eggs in cryopreservation was a treat, really.

What happened to Cyra? She was looking into Big Mama(who she thought was human) after Lou went missing, by request of Sho, and when BM caught wind of it, Cyra went missing for quite a few years.... And who knows what happened to her in that time?(I do. I know)

Why are they in the sewers if they're human? As previously mentioned, both Cyra and Lou are considered legally dead. The boys' existences are unexplainable to the average person. And Yoshi is wanted by BM and her police force, which can and do roam the surface. Just to be safe, he kept them underground.

How'd they meet April? The same way I consider their meeting in the show, which is basically PHEEBS fic. But obviously Leo isn't kidnapped as a giant turtle spectacle, so in this it's a bit darker..he was kidnapped for human trafficking reasons because of his "unique"(barf) skin and eyes.

If they're not turtles, how will they withstand the fights? Uhh.. fiction magic...? They do the same stunts they would in the show and everything, but as humans they'd get hurt significantly worse. So a mix of fiction magic and unseen recovery periods.

How can they take blows to their back that a shell would protect? See above question.

What's the equivalent to Donnie's shell being weaker/softer? A few things, actually. More sensitive skin and nerves on his back, for starters. His mother, with more widespread/"stronger" vitiligo, had a few other health issues/autoimmune disorders. Donnie unfortunately inherited them: mild rheumatoid arthritis and symptoms of multiple sclerosis(mainly affecting his eyes, bones, and balance).

What happens to the turtles left behind? Draxum hadn't bought them yet! So no turtles were harmed in the destruction of the lab

And as for anything in the future or plot related, I can't/won't answer..

[suzilight]

Sucralose aka Splenda Is Genotoxic | June 2023

Me: Big Food sells us low quality at high prices that makes us gradually sicker then Big Pharma sells us high priced meds to control the symptoms until we need Big Hospital and a funeral. Think I'm exaggerating? Read on.

"When we exposed sucralose and sucralose-6-acetate to gut epithelial tissues—the tissue that lines your gut wall—we found that both chemicals cause 'leaky gut.' Basically, they make the wall of the gut more permeable. The chemicals damage the 'tight junctions,' or interfaces, where cells in the gut wall connect to each other.

"A leaky gut is problematic, because it means that things that would normally be flushed out of the body in feces are instead leaking out of the gut and being absorbed into the bloodstream."

"We found that gut cells exposed to sucralose-6-acetate had increased activity in genes related to oxidative stress, inflammation and carcinogenicity,"

"To put this in context, the European Food Safety Authority has a threshold of toxicological concern for all genotoxic substances of 0.15 micrograms per person per day," Schiffman says. "Our work suggests that the trace amounts of sucralose-6-acetate in a single, daily sucralose-sweetened drink exceed that threshold. And that's not even accounting for the amount of sucralose-6-acetate produced as metabolites after people consume sucralose."

Harvard says: "Some studies show that leaky gut may be associated with other autoimmune diseases (lupus, type 1 diabetes, multiple sclerosis), chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, arthritis, allergies, asthma, acne, obesity, and even mental illness." 

Splenda.com says: "Today, the Splenda brand is the most recognizable and iconic low-calorie sweetener brand in the world, having sold more than 100 billion yellow packets since its launch in 1992."

Michael Zeece, in Introduction to the Chemistry of Food, 2020 says: "Granulated sucralose is mixed with fillers to provide a measure for measure substitution with table sugar (sucrose). The powdered form of sucralose contains 90% bulking agents such as maltodextrin, that are a metabolizable form of carbohydrate. A 50/50 mixture of sucrose and sucralose, plus a bulking agent, is available for baking applications. This mixture reduces caloric content and enables browning reactions in baking applications."  Source

Me: Wow. Ok. 50/50 sugar/Splenda plus bulking agents for baking. Would that mean commercial baking? Processed foods? YES!!!

"Sucralose is also highly stable at elevated temperatures that are often used in food, beverage, and drug manufacturing processes so that product sweetness levels can be maintained following cooking, baking, and/or pasteurization. Sucralose also has excellent stability in low-pH products so that sweetness degradation is not a determining factor in the shelf-life of such products."

FDA says "Sucralose is a general-purpose sweetener found in various foods, including baked goods, beverages, chewing gum, gelatins, and frozen dairy desserts." 

By weight, Sucralose is about 600 times sweeter than sucrose (sugar).

 Me: Even if I don't buy or use Splenda or drink diet sodas there is a good chance that I'm still eating more than 0.15 micrograms of sucralose in "shelf stable" cookies, pastries, bread or ice cream. Big Food cuts in Sucralose/Splenda because it gives big sweetness and probably costs less than natural sugar/sucrose.

The FDA approved it for general use in 1999. They suggest it for diabetic people! No wonder Celiac Disease, Crohn's disease, and irritable bowel syndrome have steadily increased.

Never mind the Leaky Gut diseases or the malignant tumors, Splenda is calorie-free. /facepalm

[faggotmox]

ranger vents abt the doctor's office under the cut

there was something truly unhinged abt a thing that happened today.

the last primary care appointment i had went really bad, my nurse practitioner so very horrible to me. i ended up very nonverbal during the appointment bc she was so horrible to me, she refuses to treat me like im autistic. when i bring up concern abt certain things she completely shut it down, blames it on me, ect. (as if its my fault my t shot routine is disrupted by her not sending my t script to my pharmacy. she often takes a week to refill my t, & often doesn't send or write the script for needles/syringes). anyways, the point is last time i saw this lady i was non-verbal, shaking, very negative body language, ect.

so today i went to my therapy appointment which is in the same clinic. as my therapist was walking me out, my np came out of her office & cornered me in the hallway. she was smiling at me all sweet & said, i fuckin kid you not, this bitch said to me "you look a lot better than the last time i saw you. are you feeling better?"

miss ma'am, i just spent a week immobile bc you refuse to do anything abt my autoimmune disorder, my joint damage/pain, & muscle issues. i can "look better" bc i wasn't seeing her & i wasn't *AFRAID* bc i wasn't supposed to see her. my entire demeanor changed when she started talking to me. i told her "im feeling a little bit better. but then again therapy with [therapist name] always makes me feel a little better." & she just...it just went right over her head.

the last time i was seeing her she told me she needed to give me "tough love" basically bc i ask for the same things over & over & she does nothing abt them so i come off as whiny & like im refusing to fix my own issues (as iff i didn't start working out, wearing inserts in my shoes, eating better, working on my posture, going to therapy, ect isn't trying to remedy or lessen some of my issues).

like what fucking medical professional thinks they need to give their disabled, under-serviced, abuse survivor patient "TOUGH LOVE"

for years & god damn years i was written off for all manner of reasons by medical professionals. it turns out im not just a fat, lazy pieace of trash & that's not the reason my back hurts. my motherfucking back hurts bc i have a very severe, special form of arthritis mixed with bursitis. in high school i "hurt" my back to the point i legit could not love over five times, each time i was just told i was too fat & needed to exercise. i lost over 100 pounds, worked out for my disibities, & protected my back. IT DID LITERALLY NOTHING TO RELIEVE ANY SYMPTIONS . what tough love do i need? when the world has been tough on me since day one.

the amount of "rare" issues ive had SINCE BIRTH (i was born with a literal one in a million skin disease that is a congenital birth defect except for IN ME THE WEIRD CASE where it was a mutation & there weren't genetic markers for the disease even though i had one of the most documented cases of the disease. i was born autistic & waved every single autistic red flag including the big one: delayed speech. the stomach issues i always had that were bc im gluten & soy intolerant that were again just blamed on my being fat & eating badly. theres so many examples i can keep going) is staggering & the majority of it has been ignored or misdiagnosed.

i just don't think i, or anyone else, deserve to get "tough love" from thier medical professional. ive had tough love all my fuckign life & its whats killing me. idk im just ranting now but i just dont understand how these fucking people can & are allowed to get away with literal abuse. i came from a truly abusive clinic, & while this new one isn't nearly as bad it's still abusive. my np is still abusing me by refusing to believe me & take care of me in a timely manner. my pain scale maxes out in the regular basis. i was standing at work today on only my right leg bc my left knee was so, so fucking painful i couldn't put pressure on it. when my move you can hear pops & cracks, & they dont stop. i just moive my shoulder & it makes loud sounds.

but yeah i just need to do more or whatever. im just a lazy piece of trash & my physical & mental state are just my fault. i wish i could break her legs & tell her to just keep walking. i wish i could get her career ruined bc she, & everyone else like her, is ruining my life. if i kill myself some day it wil, without a doubt, be a result of these things. i've lived my life for over twenty five year begging & pleading for help bc im hurting so fucking much. i used to pray that i'd have to be put in a wheelchair.

why is it okay for people to tell me live like this when they have the power to help? every medical professional ive ever had deserves to live a month in my life. in constant pain & nausea, unable to eat or sleep right, unable to do things normal folks can do. i hope & pray these people also wish for death. i hope they know my pain bc i fucking hate them & they deserve the horrible life i live.

[shadesofmauve]

Hey, an EDSer in the wild! Or, I'm assuming you have the hypermobility form of EDS like I do skdjskskdj

Honestly I've got no idea how/where they draw lines for diagnosis of EDS, and my current 'official diagnosis' appears to be "Hmm. Bendy." According to https://www.ehlers-danlos.org:

Joint hypermobility with its possible complications is now classified using the idea of a spectrum. At one end is simple hypermobility which causes no symptoms, is not a disease and is a trait, like height. At the other end of our spectrum is hEDS, and in between falls a range of hypermobility-related conditions called hypermobility spectrum disorders (HSD).

So it seems I'm likely on the hypermobility spectrum, at least. But my understanding is that a diagnostic label doesn't nessecarily make treatment any different (if you know different I'd love to hear!).

Other symptoms are hard to use for diagnosis because I've ALSO got an autoimmune disorder called Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, which is actually about a different type of connective tissue and causes more internal issues. But people (like the ortho doc I saw) hear it and immediately assign my current bendy problems to the auto-immune disease, even though the rheumatologist says no, none of my joint pain has EVER come with signs of arthritis, the bendiness predates disease onset, etc etc.

Fun times.

Anyway, it's only in the last year or so that it all started causing issues, so now I'm attempting to figure out how to deal with it. Which is a reminder that I need to start calling OTs and PTs again so I can get someone to fit me for trial splints. Joy.

[koukoupepia]

Without being too specific about my medical problems disorder I got a new lab back that came back positive for some autoimmune antibodies but I don’t know if it’s detecting the disorder I already got diagnosed with or something additional. my aunt quit being a floor nurse a couple years ago and started working in rheumatology and her running theory is that i might have some form of non-rheumatoid arthritis

[discordantdream]

I feel the need to write this out somewhere other than to my husband to get some form of imaginary pats on the back. I am disabled. I have an autoimmune arthritis. I am high risk for covid. My primary doctor has asked me to be very careful about catching covid and to wait until the new bivalent comes out in the fall to get boosted again (I am fully vaxxed and boosted and already have one bivalent in me). Therefore, I canceled my gym membership and can no longer do water aerobics for cardio, as the gym is a festering puddle of disease and catching everything in the world.

I need cardio. I have heart problems. I had a scare a couple weeks ago that has me really pushing to try to get my heart healthier.

I also have back problems. (See above 'disabled'ness.) So I can't really just go for a walk. I have therefore been dragging my depressed ass onto my exercise bike every day. At first I could only manage 5 minutes on the bike. But every day I have been pushing myself to go 'just a little bit more than the day before'. Every day.

Today, I am not feeling it. I'm really not. But I got on my damned bike. I pulled out my stupid slots game I've been playing. And I started spinning the slots while my legs pumped. My previous high was 20 minutes on the bike. At 6 minutes today, I wanted off. But I kept riding. My back was screaming, but I kept riding. And spinning that stupid slots game. Spin spin spin. Pump legs, pump. I finally hit 20 minutes, panting, aching, pouring sweat. Heart not racing because my heart medicine doesn't really allow my heart to race, but heart showing that I am indeed exercising. And I told myself 'ok, I will stay on this damned bike until I hit one more bonus game in this slots game'

And I made it to 24:30 on the bike today.

Right now, I can't move. I desperately need to pee, and to get some pain pills in me, and to take a shower at some point. But I did it. And I know my cardiologist is going to be so happy with me for what I'm doing and my heart is going to keep pumping maybe just a few days longer than it might otherwise have. But it fucking sucked and I just want maybe a couple of pats on the back. And to pee. God do I need to pee. But the bathroom is over there, and it requires movement to get to.

And please, this is not any sort of statement about what people 'should' be able to do while disabled. I know my level of ability is not everyone's level ability. This is what I'm able to do and I do not expect anyone else can or should do this. I'm pushing myself to (and probably past) my own limits for the sake of my heart, and I'm only measuring myself against myself. Do what you can, when you can, if you can.

[joshmedin]

The time I was mistaken for a visiting minster

So I was in the hospital today, and a patient said something to me, and we talked. (I stayed in the entryway to her room, not going in.) She told me about her conflicts with one of the nurses, and the guilt that she felt over having to call the techs in so often for help with pain management, and to adjust how she was sitting in her bed (she was a fall risk and wasn't allowed to move around on her own) and how her daughter had been in to see her, up from a small town nearby, and her daughter was very happy that she'd been eating-- chicken broth and Jell-O, but this was a big improvement from what she had been eating. She explained how she'd fallen at her house, and when she falls, she can't get up on her own, and she called for help, and here it was, four days later and she was still in the hospital, to her frustration. She mentioned her arthritis. And also how the doctors had told her that she had pneumonia. She showed me all the bruises on her arms, and told me how they'd had to bring in a special machine to find the veins in her arms so they could get an IV in her. And she told me about how scared she was that she would never be able to just swing her legs over the side of the bed again and get out of it. I told her that she needed to make sure that she kept eating; I wasn't sure what would happen, but she'd never heal if she didn't eat. And some time in there, it came up that she'd mistaken me for a visitation minister. I told her that I was there for another reason, but I was going to be back tomorrow, and I'd say hi. She was clearly uncomfortable, and a bit scared (if not wanting to show it), and wanted someone to talk to. And sometime in there, I had to explain that no, my wife and I were in the hospital visiting the room next to hers. The one my mother is in. I was in the hallway while my wife was talking to mom; she has a bacterial infection, and may be septic, so she's only allowed one visitor at a time, and there are rules that we have to follow to go in at all. So I was waiting outside her room. And maybe talking to a stranger turned out to be easier than worrying. My mother has autoimmune diseases. Not an autoimmune disease, not something as simple and well-known as lupus, but flocks of them-- the rheumatoid arthritis that crippled her older sister, and Sjogren's Syndrome, and obscure ones that only doctors in the Mayo Clinic have even heard of. She's had congestive heart failure, gastric MALT (a form of lymphoma in the stomach), and just had to have all of her teeth removed. She now has a bacterial infection; there could be sepsis. Her memory isn't great, and her husband is a wreck, dealing with this. And I'm keeping it together as best as best I can, somehow. She knows it's medically inadvisable, but that would not stop her from grabbing my hand. She craves touch. She needs contact with people, but feels isolated, now that she can't get around without a walker or a wheelchair. Her hands are so swollen with arthritis, I wonder how much it hurts her to use them. This is the thing about getting older. Everyone else does, too, with all the things that that entails. I guess it's something we all go through, if we're lucky. If we made it this far. If our parents did. If our friends did. But the great truth of life is that it doesn't last forever, and the longer we live, the more we see death around us. The more the people we love die. We're all scared of that. We use indirect language -- James Lacy passed on. The late Doug Atkinson. The fondly remembered Gil Pettigrew. The dearly departed Bonnie Kaufmann. But it's death, and it awaits us all. And it scares me. But we're all going to have to deal with that, sooner or later. I don't know. I'm rambling. But this is the story of how I was mistaken for a visiting minster, anyway. Maybe I should look into that line. I hear it's really rough work, but people need it.