#and people calling me smart or the smartest just fuels my ego and demolishes my mental health
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as someone who actively tries to show that i don't care what people think of me, i actually do care way too much and it is controlling my life whoops
#my mental health was bad not because i was scared of failing or getting low grades#but of how people would perceive me if i wasnt the smart kid anymore#and people calling me smart or the smartest just fuels my ego and demolishes my mental health#to the point my parents noticed i was not ok lol#and even right now i may be learning new things for the fun of it and wanting to be good at things#but thats also because i want to impress people and make others like me#and then theres all my insecurities about people even thinking a tiny bit different of me than who i am or what i want them to think#so much that i get so defensive and petty in situations in my head over such small things#ok no i am not going to fall down an enneagram rabbit hole again but its nice i acknowledged it
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