#and she doesnt seem to mind being wet in the slightest

[wander-wren]

today we learned that gracie, she of partial sight and zero survival skills, really likes sitting in the bathtub with her own personal waterfall

i love her so much. this came after a good few minutes of her just. staring. at the water. i was actually about to shut it off right before i took that video bc she wasn’t doing anything

[ac3id]

bully anon 🚶. are u reading my mind? 👁️👄👁️ im literally writing a yandere!bully! bakugo x reader thing where he shares his darling w his crazy classmates 💅 also bakumomo 🤤

bnha: katsuki bakugou x fem!reader x momo yaoyorozu

warnings:  humiliation, degradation, noncon touching, bj. bakugo n momo be meanies :'), fem reader

momo has a kick for seeing u suffer, she just loves when ur eyes get glossy & a  sacred, hopeless expression masks ur face. she gets such a power trip from it that even the slightest bit of guiltiness she feels from bullying u disappears.

but she knows she cant make u cry the way she wants u too. u r not that scared of her. too u, she is just another rich girl picking on u because it boosts their ego. u honestly couldnt care less about those types anymore. so she knows u wont submit to her so easily and thats when she goes to bakugo for help.

the both of them have great respect for eachother, he knows how extraordinary she is and vice versa but when momo asks him, “what do u think of her,” signalling to u, hes a little confused. hes always thought of u as the pathetic type, u did not hold much respect in his heart or mind. hed often forget about ur existence even but one thing he had wouldnt admit, ever was that he also found u hot. very attractive. sometimes, late at night he wud pump his cock to the thought of u. the way u stretched during warm ups, ur beautiful curves. the way ur perfect, little ass bent and jiggled during exercises. he dreamed of going up to u & grabbing a handful. the way ur tits bounced when u ran, everything clouded his mind during late nights when he tried to release pent up stress.

so when momo asked him the question he gave the most honest answer, “just another extra, too me,” momo seemed satisfied w his answer, “so, u dont care about her?” she asks & bakugo agrees. “well she pisses me off.”

the spite momo held in her tone made it hard to believe it was actually her speaking. she asks bakugo for his help. she promises him that he can do whatever he wants with u, whatever. he had said he didnt care about u, it should be easy for him to bully u. he agrees besides, who could say no to momo.

it starts of with usual teasing, hes calling u names, deeming u worthless & laughing when he sees u tear up from his harsh words. he feels amazing, like he is on top of the world. he bullies u pathetically, calling u out on ur insecurities & turning it into a laughing stock for others. while everyone is laughing at ur weak state, fortunately for u someone comes to ur rescue– momo stands up against bakugo acting as she is actually disgusted by his actions, acting as if she wasnt snickering along w the others.

she defends u but what she says just makes u cry even louder. she never outright denies his insults. he calls u a worthless, piece of shit with no real importance to the world. from momo, its never ‘dont listen to him, u are an amazing person y/n!’ but its always ‘bakugo–san, dont pick on others for things they cant change about themselves.” she also thinks u are worthless? guess so? everyone just laughs louder, they know what she is doing & so do u. u know u cant take this anymore, the humiliation brings tears to ur eyes and u can feel the dam break slowly.

u run to the bathroom not sparing a glance behind. u lock urself up in one of the stalls, crying ur pain away. not after long, a loud thud bangs against the door w a crude voice following the tune, “oi, i know ure in there!” bakugo screams, his repeated banging on the door never stopping, “open up!” he continues but u dont listen to him instead putting ur hands over ur ears, trying to block out the sound of his loud cries.

u keep at it for as long as bakugo stands outside the door until u hear an explosion go off & the next thing is he looking down at u ferociously. his glowing, red eyes gleam a powerful hatred making u tremble over the toilet seat. he pulls ur face up by ur hair before slapping u across the face. ur face stings when his hand connect to ur cheek, ur head falling to the opposite direction, ur breath uneven as tears pools down ur eyes.

“oi,” he tugs on ur hair again, ur scalp burning as he tugs on ur weak roots, “u think u can just run away?” u strain ur eyes, trying to look up at him through ur watery vision. “useless bitch,” his stare is intense. his vermilion eyes scan ur tear stained face and he feels himself get excited. the way u are seated would make u face his crotch if it werent for him holding u up by ur hair, “u are pathetic, u know?” he says it like its a question but u very well know hes serious. u only sob harder at his words, fat, salty tears rolling down ur cheeks, u pray to urself that he leaves u alone.

unfortunately for u, the whole scene just excites bakugo even further. he feels his jeans tighten as he starts to imagine u sucking him off. it was just like one of his fantasies only difference; u were here in real flesh & blood withering under him. he drops ur head & u quickly turn ur gaze to the floor, peering down at ur shoes. ur face drops as u hear bakugo unbuckle his belt and pull down the zipper, u keep ur gaze focused to the floor not daring to look up.

what was he going to do? pee on u?

only when he calls out ur name u by mistakenly peep up. the sight u see is scandalous, he pumps his semi-hard cock in his fist slowly as he watches ur every move. ur eyes widen in terror when u hear him talk, “put it in ur mouth, bitch.” his order is absolute yet u dont listen to him. there was no way u were actually going to suck his dick, ur eyes fall back down on the floor as u drop ur head down, “no.” u whisper, ur voice timid. bakugo frowns, what makes u think u have a say in this.

“what do u mean no?” he asks voice on edge, “i-its rape.” ur answer comes out in a weak, broken cry which makes bakugo scoff, “how? im not even touching u.” u try to reason but bakugo is having none of it. growing impatient, he grabs ur head and pushes his cock into ur mouth, completely ignoring ur cries. “bite me and i will blow ur face off” its not an empty threat so u obey. it wasnt like u would be able to win against him anyway.

“suck on it, whore. im litreally asking u to do one single thing but u cant even do that?” bakugo is crude with his words, never missing any opportunity to talk u down. u start sucking on his cock, ur head bobbing & tongue swirling around his tip. he hisses in pleasure, this was so much better than his imagination.

“look at u go, guess the rumours are true afterall.” he laughs. u can feel him coming closer. his cock twitches in ur mouth as he bites his lips roughly, eyes screwed shut in pleasure. his cock hits the back of ur throat before he cums in ir mouth. hot, salty liquid shooting down ur throat making u feel nauseous. “guess sucking dick is the only thing u are good at,” he remarks letting go of ur face. and pulling his pants on. embarrassed, u turn ur face away from him sobbing softly as u wait for him to leave but he never does. instead he watches u cry.

“what are u doing?” another voice breaks in. momo stands outside the bathroom stall knocking on the wooden door. ur head turns to face bakugo in a flash as he goes unlock the door. u grab on his arm, pleading him to not open the door. u didnt want momo to see u in this state. bakugo stares at u before throwing a chasire grin as he opens the door.

more tears fall from ur eyes as u see momo waiting out, concern written all over her face. her fear only increases when she looks over ur broken form. “what happened in here?” she turns to bakugo but recieves no answer, “he raped me!” u scream & momo’s eyes widen. she turns to bakugo, giving him a genuine glare. she approaches u slowly, her hands rest on ur shoulder as she pushes ur face into her boobs while she rubs ur back with soothing circles. “what did he do?” u find it strange how bakugo hadnt left yet, he was technically exposed. what good could it do him? watching the girl whos mouth he just violated get pampered. u tell her about he shoved his dick down ur throat forcefully. u were not sure why she was being all nice to all of a sudden but it was comforting. u keep hugging momo as u cry about bakugo. he just clicks his tongue before getting to leave but momos suggestion holds him back, “why just her mouth?” momo pulls away from ur embrace, her hands now falling behind ur back as she captures ur wrists and bounds the away with ropes she had created. ur wrists adjust uncomfortably behind u. next, her hands reach out between ur legs, forcing them open.

“momo, what are u doing?” the false sense of security is gone as she flips over ur skirt displaying ur light pink panties to bakugo. u squirm around trying to get free of the ropes but its impossible. “didnt i tell u that u can do whatever u want w her?” ur face pales as she starts talking. “shes a virgin, u will have fun. im planning on recording it.” her nimble fingers play with ur clit over the fabric making u wet. “besides, look at her. dont tell me she doesnt want this.” her fingers vanish behind ur panties as she plays with ur holes, ur arousal sticking to her fingers deliciously.

bakugo looks at scene displayed before him and feels himself raging a hard–on again. he takes a good look at ur crying face wrecking u and filling u with his cum till the brim while momo records everything.

[irwen-s]

age regression ask: baby joohyun has separation anxiety and completely breaks down when wendy is away. it makes her think wendy doesn’t want her anymore and the thought of being alone absolutely terrified the poor baby. Wendy has to leave for a schedule overseas and the members try to make the baby feel better by dressing her in Wendy’s t shirts and letting her sleep in Wendy’s bed but nothing works until wendy comes home

oh, but writing this hurt me too. 

the day of seungwan’s overseas schedule, joohyun wakes up to an empty bed, her last memory being of a lingering kiss to her forehead in the dark hours before sunrise. theres a dull ache that seems to squeeze her ribcage just the slightest bit, but joohyun decidedly ignores it as she drags herself out of bed, getting ready for her own day’s activities.

she’s quiet the whole morning, quieter than usual, and although no one says it out loud, the reason is obvious to everyone. though her members do it when she isn’t looking, joohyun can still feel the concerned glances they sneak at her, and it makes her all the more sullen, all the more tighter in her chest.

everyone goes their own ways for their separate schedules. joohyun is with seulgi for today, just a brief photoshoot that joohyun gets through with gritted teeth and a professionally blank mask contoured with heavy makeup. sensing her mood, seulgi takes over as the main speaker for the both of them, at the same time making sure to keep an arm wrapped around her when she can, as if she’s afraid joohyun will completely slip away without an anchor.

it doesn’t make her feel better. by the time they get home, joohyun is wrung out, feeling like she’s been slowly suffocating the entire day. she disappears down the hallway and her door shuts with a faint click. seulgi can only give sooyoung and yerim a small, helpless shrug at their worried looks.

around time for dinner, it’s almost unsurprising that joohyun doesn’t emerge from her room. the three of them exchange glances with one another around the table before sooyoung silently stands and goes to check on her. 

she knocks once, twice, tentatively calls joohyun’s name, but theres no answer. finally, with a resigned “unnie, i’m coming in,” sooyoung slowly opens the door. 

light from the hallway floods into the dark of the room, but its in the reflected colors from the projector against the adjacent wall that sooyoung makes out a small, familiar figure curled up at the foot of the bed, half-lidded eyes fixated on the film that’s playing.

sooyoung opens her mouth, but then closes it again, uncertain. taking care not to make any sudden movements, sooyoung slowly sits down against the bed, thigh brushing joohyun’s knee.  

for a few minutes, neither of them move, and sooyoung stares at the film even though she isn’t really watching it. she isn’t sure what to say. she can hear joohyun’s quiet breathing next to her.

but eventually, her patience is rewarded, and the bed dips with movement before sooyoung feels joohyun climbing into her lap. her arms automatically wrap around the smaller girl as she tucks her head underneath sooyoung’s chin, and theres a shaky sigh against the side of her neck as joohyun slumps limply against her.

just to confirm it, sooyoung softly whispers an inquiring, “hyunnie?” as she cards her fingers through joohyuns hair. theres an answering noise muffled into her skin that causes sooyoung to soften and tighten her protective hold. 

sooyoung rocks her quietly for a bit, rubbing soothing circles against joohyun’s back while her gaze rests on the projector screen. now that joohyun has ended up regressing, she knows the next few days aren’t going to be easy for four of them. she just isn’t sure what exactly to expect. or what any of them can really do besides waiting for seungwan to return.

sooyoung takes a breath, shutting off the projector with the nearby remote. “come on, hyunnie, lets go eat dinner,” she murmurs, and she stands from the bed with joohyun securely in her arms, who whimpers in weak protest against her. sooyoung doesnt stop moving even when she feels joohyun petulantly kicking her feet. “i know you’re not hungry, but you can’t skip, baby.” 

by the time sooyoung returns to the dining room, joohyun is slumped against her shoulder in defeat, sucking on her thumb for comfort as yerim dashes to fill another bowl with food and seulgi clears a spot at the table for the two of them. sooyoung sits them both down in the chair seulgi pulls out for her, then carefully lifts joohyun up to situate her with her back against sooyoung’s chest. 

it’s a lot of movement. joohyun looks a little overwhelmed for a second, but they’re all familiar people to her, and so she only makes a soft, anxious noise that seulgi is quick to soothe with gentle murmurs of reassurance. sooyoung bounces her in her lap until she settles down. 

yerim, seated next to them, holds out a spoonful of soup toward joohyun. “hyunnie, can you open your mouth for me?” she asks softly, but joohyun lets out a small whine, shaking her head and turning her face into sooyoung’s shirt. 

there’s guilt in all of them from having to force her to do things, but concern overpowers it all. sooyoung knows joohyun isn’t in the right state of mind to be rational, which means they all have to be for her. 

“hyun,” sooyoung whispers, giving her hand a small squeeze. “you have to eat at least a little. seungwannie would get worried if you didn’t.” 

its the right motivation. but joohyun’s eyes still water with the mention of the only missing person, even as she reluctantly opens her mouth. the dinner table is quiet as yerim feeds her and sooyoung and seulgi watch on with careful attention. 

after she’s fed the last spoonful, joohyun sticks her thumb back in her mouth and closes her eyes. her shoulders tremble as she begins to cry quietly. 

“i’ve got her,” yerim quickly says, taking joohyun into her arms from sooyoung’s lap. she tucks joohyuns head against her shoulder as joohyun sniffles weakly against her neck, cheeks wet with tears. then she gets up, moving away from the dining table to go rock her to sleep.

seulgi and sooyoung watch her leave before beginning to clean up.

— 

for the next few days, seulgi is in charge of keeping seungwan up to date on joohyun through text. it’s mostly seungwan badgering her with question upon question over how joohyun’s doing or if she’s eaten or if she’s sleeping well, all of which seulgi tries her best to patiently answer.

seungwan also sends her photos, videos, and voice messages of herself which she says are for joohyun, but when she had tried showing joohyun one of them, it had done the complete opposite of what it was intended to do. 

“why did she start crying again?” seulgi asks, bewildered and anguished, as yerim bounces an anxiously whimpering joohyun in her arms, softly cooing and dabbing at her cheeks with a tissue. 

sooyoung pats seulgi on the shoulder reassuringly, her other hand pinching her nose as she furrows her eyebrows in contemplation. “i don’t think she understands why she can see seungwan-unnie on a screen, but she isn’t here in front of her,” she eventually guesses with a sigh. 

the three of them spend practically all of their time at home, taking turns caring for joohyun as they wait for seungwan to finish the last red velvet schedule before their official break. joohyun has never been a difficult little to handle, but the complications of this particular dilemma cause her regressed quirks to become especially complex in a way they haven’t been before. 

for one, joohyun is even quieter than when she’s big. she cries silently, to the point where, after a particularly bad accident a few years ago, the members know she can end up choking on her tears if no one is there to pay attention. she’s too small to even talk. most of her time awake is spent suckling on her paci as she’s cuddled against one of the members, too anxious and tired to be fully conscious. 

its worrying, this time around. its as if joohyun is just being pulled deeper into her regressed state the longer she goes without seungwan. 

“lets let her sleep in seungwan-unnie’s room,” yerim proposes the next day, after a fitful night spent struggling to soothe joohyun to sleep in her own bed. sooyoung readily agrees as seulgi’s face lights up with an idea, and she dashes off down the hallway, returning a few minutes later with an armload of items that evidently belong to seungwan. 

“manen,” sooyoung grins as she takes the stuffed animal from seulgi’s arms, and joohyun peeks at it from where her face is tucked against yerim’s neck.

there’s a muffled noise that comes from behind her paci as she makes a grabby hand toward the familiar cartoon squirrel. sooyoung coos, acquising and bringing manen close enough so joohyun can hug it with one arm, pressing her face into the soft fur and seeming to breathe in its scent. the sight makes all three of them immediately soften; even regressed, joohyun still has the same odd, yet endearing characteristics. 

“wannie’s clothes too,” seulgi finally says, drawing sooyoung and yerim’s attention back to the bundle of stuff in her arms. “we can change hyunnie into one of her shirts and wrap her in wannie’s other things. stuff that smells like her.” 

“that’s a good idea,” yerim says. “sooyoung-unnie, help me change her?”

and really, for a while it does seem to work. joohyun makes soft gurgling noises from behind her paci as she brings the sleeve of seungwan’s hoodie up to her nose, eyelashes fluttering in contentment. her feet kick lazily for a bit as she rests against seulgi’s chest, quiet and subdued as seulgi begins humming her to sleep. 

but she still wakes up a few hours later, feebly shaking her head and hiccuping with quiet cries as her nose runs. and she still whimpers pitifully while her tiny body is wracked with harsh sobs, trembling despite whose arms she’s gently cradled in. 

it hurts to watch, to feel so powerless to help soothe her. seungwan’s texts come in fits and bursts that are obviously made in the sparse minutes between her busy schedule, and seulgi can feel the pure, growing distress in each of them that is mirrored by the members at home—by joohyun the most. 

“she’s going to get sick if she keeps this up,” yerim whispers worriedly to seulgi, after joohyun has cried herself to sleep again in sooyoung’s arms. “she doesn’t do anything but cry and sleep. and she’s hardly eating.” 

“what else is there to do,” seulgi says helplessly, pressing her hands against her eyes until they ache. “she only wants wannie.”

the worst thing, though, is that joohyun doesn’t throw fits. she doesn’t thrash around or throw a tantrum like most small children. joohyun tips past her breaking point quietly.

she just gives up. 

by the third day, they know something has changed overnight. joohyun is silent in seulgi’s arms like usual, but she’s also a paler, feverish shade, and her half-lidded eyes are dull and glazed over. she slumps lifelessly against seulgi’s chest, barely moving save for her shallow breaths. when her chest is suddenly wracked by a harsh coughing fit and her paci almost falls from her mouth, seulgi frantically calls for sooyoung and yerim, who both come rushing into the living room.

they feed her some medicine. joohyun is too tired at this point to even try putting up a fight.

when seulgi bathes her that night, joohyun is woozy with exhaustion as she leans tiredly into her touch. the water is lukewarm against her clammy, sickly warm skin. its only once seulgi is about to pull her out of the water and wrap her in a towel that she realizes joohyun has fallen asleep. 

—

on the fourth day, joohyun sleeps throughout the entire morning and past noon. 

“its been over twelve hours, we need to wake up her up and let her eat something,” yerim murmurs. she sits down against the side of seungwan’s bed, gently cupping joohyun’s cheek with a small smile. “hyunnie?”

when joohyun doesn’t stir, yerim lightly tickles her neck, then taps her shoulder and gives it a small shake. but there’s no reaction. and the smile slowly slips off yerim’s face.

“she’s not waking up,” yerim whispers nervously, before sooyoung quickly appears by her side, shaking joohyun’s shoulder a little rougher and calling her name in a louder, frantic voice. seulgi bites down on her tongue and tastes a hint of blood in her mouth, frozen to the spot and unable to look away.

its after a few tense seconds of increased shaking and eerie stillness that joohyun finally lets out a small cough, head lolling to the side. her eyes flutter open just the slightest bit, foggy and disoriented; she’s barely conscious. 

“oh, oh jeez,” yerim wheezes in relief as sooyoung hurriedly moves forward to hoist joohyun up into her arms. seulgi steps out of the room to wipe at her eyes as they fill with tears. 

“we can’t tell seungwan-unnie,” is all sooyoung says in a tight, choked voice, lightly thumping against joohyun’s back to help her cough, help her breathe. “she’d panic.”

— 

seulgi wakes up from her fitful nap in the late evening, sitting up from the couch as her hand automatically reaches for her phone, only to remember that she left it in her room. when she fetches it from beside her bed, her mouth is open in a tired yawn as she opens her notifications, only to freeze with wide eyes at the text messages and several missed calls on her screen.

“oh,” seulgi says in a stunned voice, and as if on cue, she hears the front door being unlocked and sliding open. when she scrambles out into the living room, she sees seungwan shrugging her coat off in the same move to kick off her shoes, hair disheveled and face flushed from exertion. 

her gaze swings toward seulgi, eyes wild and frantic, and seulgi swallows heavily. “where’s she,” seungwan asks in a low voice. 

they both turn at the sound from the hallway. yerim is standing there with joohyun cradled against her chest. 

it takes a few moments, but when joohyun’s half-lidded eyes finally begin to recognize what she’s seeing, they quickly water and spill over with tears, and joohyun’s mouth finally opens in the loudest cry in days. 

seungwan doesn’t waste a second longer. her demeanor completely flips as she takes her from an all-too-eager yerim, cooing soft reassurances as she bounces joohyun up and down in her arms. “i’ve got you, hyunnie, wannie’s here now. wannie’s got you.”

joohyun’s cries are loud and heart-wrenching, but in comparison to the frightening state of silence of these past few days, it’s honestly a welcoming sound. seulgi rubs at her eyes as sooyoung slings a comforting arm around her shoulders. 

there’s a strangled noise as joohyun chokes on a sob and almost dry heaves, clutching desperately onto seungwan as she noses against her skin. seungwan remains calm and composed, continues to hold joohyun through it all. “its okay, let it out, hyunnie,” seungwan gently murmurs, planting a soft kiss against the side of her head. 

sooyoung tugs yerim closer to her, then guides the three of them toward the front door. “lets give them some space,” she murmurs. “besides, we haven’t been outside the dorm in ages.”

the last image they see before the door closes is of seungwan slowly rocking joohyun in her arms around the living room as joohyun breathes tiredly into her neck, finally at ease.

[bulldagger-bait]

Sometimes I really hate the fact I was born female.

I hate that fact that men don't take me seriously.

I hate that I'm seen as a harpy whenever I show slight passion about a topic.

I hate that I was raised in a school where the boys thought I was insane for being a feminist. Where boys took pictures of me after saying "women only belong in two places, the kitchen and the bedroom", and then posting them all over social media calling me the "angry man hating lesbian feminist". I hate that a boy negged me on in chemistry class, sexually harassed me, and then when I lost it at him my chemistry teacher told me to calm down, that I was overreacting. I hate that when i told him to fuck off, and got sent to the deputy principal to explain myself. Me. Not him. Not the boy who was harrassing me, or the teacher that allowed it in his classroom.

I hate that when I told my dad a boy had been sexually harassing me, he went behind my back, contacted his parents and my school administration. I hate that I was then called into my deputy principals office and told that this had all "been blown out of proportion" and that I was being unreasonable. But it wasn't unreasonable for that boy to say he couldnt wait until I was 18 to get me drunk and high so he could have sex with me. When I was an out lesbian.

I hate that one of my friends was raped by a boy in our school. I hate that when she told the school they didn't believe her. I hate that they made her continue to share classes with him. I hate that she was threatened with suspension for spreading lies about "such a serious topic" and that he was able to keep harassing her on school grounds, unchecked.

I hate that one of my friends thought it was okay to threaten to rape me in front of my entire social group as a joke. And then I was seen as a hysterical bitch for telling my most trusted teacher. She actually did something about the situation. I was then ostracised from that group of friends. I "couldnt take a joke" apparently.

I hate that when I was nine years old I was riding my bike around my neighbourhood, and a boy five years my senior cornered me in an alleyway and tried to rape me not twenty meters away from my front door.

I hate that when I was younger a boy would hit me, scratch me, pull my hair, twist my arm, dig his grubby little fingers into my pressure points, making me cry out with pain, only to be told it was because he liked me. I hate that I believed it. I hate that I let it continue for two years. For two years my "best friend" covered me in bruises, and I let him because it made me feel pretty and wanted. I was ten.

I hate that when I was fourteen and desperate to convince myself I wasn't gay, a boy who i thought was my friend tried to pressure me into dating him only to then tell me about his porn addiction—his words, not mine—and call me an insensitive cunt for getting as far away from him as possible. After he told me about the things he'd like to do to me. Not with me. To me. As fourteen year olds. As children.

I hate that I was forced into pink and shaved legs and make up and long hair.

I hate that my mother made me cut up boxer shorts I had bought because I was sick and tired of wearing panties. Because some guy had made some comment about my grammy-panties. Never mind the fact that they were comfortable. I bought boxers because they were closer to shorts and I thought boys would just leave me alone. I bought boxers because they were cool and had superheroes on them and were comfortable. I bought boxers because I was sick and tired of the neon pink panties my mother had been making me wear for my entire life.

I hate that I wore pigtails to school and a boy called them "ride-me handle-bars".

I hate that when I cut my hair off the first thing people assumed I was, was a man. As if its that easy to take my womanhood away from me. As if all that makes a woman is long hair. I hate that I was called "skank who was trying to hard" when I had long hair, an "art hoe" when I had short hair, and a "dyke", "failed woman", "wannabe man" when it was cropped.

I hate that at 8 years old I was being bullied for being ugly. Because I had unkempt eyebrows. Unshaven legs. Tangled hair. Sweaty skin. Scraped knees. A crooked smile. Because I wasn't a child model. Because I wasn't some pedophiles wet dream.

I hate that I'm considered incompetent for certain jobs because of my menstrual cycle. Because women are too over emotional when they're "pms-ing" or "on the rag"

I hate that a man's go to insult for me is "cunt". Something that dehumanises me to my genitals. How silly of me to think I was anything more than just a hole for someone to fuck.

I hate that someone took advantage of my sexuality. Because I was repressed. Because I was a woman who grew up in a christian environment. Because I was a lesbian who was still convinced I could be straight. Because there was a pretty woman who knew she could manipulate me. I hate how there are people who still think its my fault, or that lesbian sex isnt even real so how could I be raped? Or that women can't rape. I hate that I had been convinced that what happened to me was normal. Because women are frigid bitches that don't want sex, but their partners do, and its "inhumane" to not put out.

I hate that I am paid less. And that people don't believe women arent paid less. Despite the fact that their is mountains of evidence to support our argument.

I hate that I had to do twice the work to get half the recognition in school.

I hate that a boy with no experience and no drive was seen as a more suitable leader than I was. Because I was a "controlling bitch". I hate that I did an incredible amount of work on the student council and he got to take the credit for it. I hate that he was a worse student but was seen as more acedemically gifted than I was.

I hate the double standards.

I hate how every part of my body is sexualised. I hate how my disability is sexualised.

I hate how when I mentioned my chronic pain condition to my male classmates, they made comments about how I would make a fantastic masochist. I hate that I internalised it. I hate that I believed them. I hate that when I got into a sexual relationship I let her hurt me—even though i didn't like it—because I throught kinky sex was the bare minimum and "vanilla" was for frigid prudes.

I hate that my body is not mine, but rather belongs to the public. For the government to legislate. For strangers to ogle at. For my father to control. And when I speak up I'm an unreasonable bitch. When I demand agency, I'm insane.

I hate how the odds were stacked against me since birth all because of that second x chromosome. All because some doctor said "its a girl" and immediately half of my opportunities were removed because they "weren't for girls".

I hate that in order to keep a job I am supposed to adhere to femininity. That not wearing make up is seen as lazy and unhygienic. That I need to "fix my eyebrows". That I need to shave my "gross gorilla legs".

I hate all this bullshit bagage that comes with being female. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I am my own voyeur. I hate that even in my most private moments I am focused on how an unseen gaze would percieve me.

I hate that the slightest devience from "purity" will be met with threats of violence. That if someone doesnt agree with my politics I can be told to "choke on a dick" and to "kill myself" and whoever said that is safe in the knowledge that their community supports their words and actions. That if I step a toe out of line or make a mistake I deserve the full force of misogyny that people have been waiting to dole out to an appropriate victim.

I hate that my own father sexualised me. I hate that he abused me. I hate that he got away with it all because "teen girls make up that kind of stuff for attention". Because he was an "upstanding man". I hate that believes he is guiltless. I hate that he has manipulated and gaslighted me into believing his version of events. I hate that when I speak up I need to be careful because "he's a good man" and "he doesnt seem like the kind to do that" and that "you're blowing things out of proportion, I'm sure it was never like that."

I hate that when women accuse men of violence its "he said, she said". But when men accuse women of the same they are instantly believed. I hate that my voice holds less weight than a man's.

I hate that the religion I was raised in told me not to speak in church. Not to ask questions. To submit to men. To cover my head before god. That braided hair was sinful and vain.

I hate that I was taught there was no such thing as a female orgasm in order to discourage me from having sex. That I was told sex would be painful. And yet I was also told that when I married a man I should freely give him sex because it was my duty to serve him and bear children.

I hate that I'm seen as a baby factory.

I hate that I'm seen as a collection of body parts. A uterus. A pair of tits. A vagina.

I'm not those things. I am made up of those things, but they do not define my worth. I am made of carbon, but you wouldn't call me "an arrangement of carbon atoms" or "a carbon storage system" or "a carbon factory"

I hate that when I talk about my experience with womanhood I need to twist myself into knots to not step on any toes or offend. I hate that I have to be palatable when I am upset and enraged.

I hate that my anger is demonised and sexualised.

I hate that my love is fetished by heterosexual men. I hate that they see lesbianism as this empty thing to get off to.

I hate that I don't feel safe holding my girlfriend's hand in public. I love her more than anything in the world and my skin burns when I don't get to touch her. I hate that sometimes I get scared and call her my "friend". Not girlfriend. I hate that in public I feel ashamed to love her.

I hate it that my homosexuality is debated. I hate that it is seen as disgusting.

I hate that I have been taught and socialised that every single part of who I am is fundamentally flawed in some way.

And yet, despite all this, there are days where I am grateful for who I am. There are days when this body is not my enemy. There are days when I love my womanhood, however that may appear. There are days when I am unbothered by the thoughts of others. There are days where I am unafraid to love who I love and to love proudly.

There are days where the pain and anger of the past drive me to be happy.

I know those days won't last. They never do. There's always a slur, or a misogynist, or an abuser, or a traumatic memory. There's always a right being infringed upon, or an aspect of my body made public property, and it takes me right back to the anger.

I could never stop being angry. There is too much pain in this body to forgive and forget.

But sometimes, I don't hate the fact that I was born female. Some days I'm proud.

[the-singular-peep]

post el manana/plastic beach headcanons that nobody asked for (sponsored by not understanding the timeline in the slightest)

 When Noodle returns from the El Manana Incident, the second she sees the band she collapses. She shipped herself in Fed-ex, and when she did she was already skinny and exhausted from so many months on the run, fighting and alone after she and Russel got separated. Her eye wound, which was reopened by Mazuu, is still healing and blurry, but she brings rations and water and a book with her for the trip.

But the whole fiasco happens with the passport, and it takes eight days for Noodle to be delivered, and she only packed food for three. When the boys finally get the box and pry it open, Noodle stands, says, “surprise,” and then collapses over the edge, taking the box with her.

She’s nineteen years old, 4’10”, and 85 pounds. She’s tiny, from her first years growing up in a lab and her recent years spent malnourished and overworked. She’s half starved from the almost week without food (thankfully she had brought enough water for many more days, because she’s not an idiot) and exhausted, and her eye wound, which had previously been nearly healed before defeating Mazuu, was now infected and her eyelid was nearly swollen almost shut.

 2-D was too surprised to speak, and Murdoc was shocked and filled with guilt at seeing her like this, so Russel was the first to act. He picked her up and instantly took her into the kitchen to clean her wounds -- her eye and her many splinters and cuts -- before rousing her enough to get her to drink some water and eat a yogurt cup. She had a really high fever and her eyes didn’t really seem like she was seeing anything that day; she wouldn’t make words and couldn’t walk very far on her own. It was over exhaustion, lack of eating, and infection that had seeped into her body from months not taking care of herself in pursuit of killing something evil followed by a week in a dusty fed-ex box without any sunlight.

 After getting Noodle settled and asleep in a room they always hoped would be hers, Russel went into the kitchen like a man on a mission and began throwing stuff out

When murdoc asked what he was doing, he said they had a little girl to take care of again, and they couldn’t get her well if they were drinking and eating spoiled ready-to-eat meals. He left only a few yogurt cups, an unopened carton of ham, and a package of wine coolers.

The alcohol was really first to go, much to murdocs anger, bc some of that was expensive

they got him to keep the wine coolers bc really there wasn’t even much alcohol in them and c’mon russ you just threw out my fancy burboun that cost 60 bucks, at least leave something --

And then russel sent 2-D and Murdoc shopping, with stuff on the list like “apples” and “orange juice” and “ramen” and something called “spinach”

 He stayed home while they went to walmart and sat in Noodle’s room with her, holding her burning hot hand while she slept and kissing it every once a while and definitely NOT crying

Noodle slept for a really long time after that, and when she woke up again the next day at nine PM with a wet rag on her forehead and chills wracking her body she was STARVING, but too weak to do anything. Russel was in the room with her -- he hadn’t left at all since she came home -- and when she woke up she said, “hurts, hurts,” and eventually was able to get her foggy mind to remember the words to ask for something to eat.

She had a pretty high fever, was clammy, and was having some breathing issues, and so Russel thought he should bring a sick day food -- something easy on the tummy. He brought her Ramen Noodles with some grilled chicken for protein and helped her sit up enough to eat them, and she ate like if she didn’t finish it fast enough she wouldn’t get another chance to eat for another week before falling asleep again

And then about ten minutes later she woke up and threw up all over herself and the bed

Russel cleaned it up and noodle cried really soft and babyish bc wow what a way to start the day

 After noodle stopped throwing up after almost everything she ate and was holding her head up better, 2-D started coming in every once and a while.

Lots of times he’d just show her memes on his phone or bring a book to read to her

 (she was way too old for that, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t like it)

Noodle still slept most of the day, and still had to have help when she needed to get up to go to the bathroom, but she seemed to be recovering very very slowly.

About day four, she got up in the middle of the night having to pee really really bad, and dragged herself out of bed all by herself because Russ was asleep and she felt like a burden for being out of commission for so long. She fell on the way to the bathroom, but got the job done

On the way back to her room (was walking always this exhausting?) murdoc, who was in the middle of getting drunk on wine coolers in the living room while watching reruns of friends, thought she was 2-D and yelled at her to shut off the light along with some crude words and insults

He noticed it was her, and asked her why she was up. Her voice was croaky and painful when she responded.

“had to piss”

“do noT USE THAT LANGUAGE GO TO BED”

Murdoc is struggling a lot, because he feels so guilty about having caused her to be so damaged, physically and mentally. He’s feeling suicidal, because the only thing he lived for -- his little girl -- deserves to have him out of her life for good. She deserves so much better than him.

He closes his eyes, but after a few minutes he feels hands padding across his lap and then knees, and when he opens his eyes Noodle is curled up in his lap, her fevery skin burning his bare thighs and her body shaking with silent sobs

(shh hes wearing shorts)

normally he’d react angrily, but he’s kinda drunk so he kinda pats her back and after a few minutes, shes stopped shaking so much and he thinks she’s asleep

Its quiet, and dark other than the TV illuminating everything in a soft blue glow, and when Noodle speaks, her voice is broken and soft.

“papa..”

 And that gets him, and Murdoc tears up and starts petting his daughter’s hair. He doesnt deserve her, and she doesnt deserve this. He’ll make sure he’s gone soon. For her. But right now, he’ll try and be the comfort she needs.

“I know, love, I know it hurts…”

“I -- I’m not ready to be like this.” She whispers back, and Murdoc is pretty sure she won’t remember this in the morning because her skin is crazy hot and her eyes are foggy with sickness

 “Like what, sweet?” His voice is gravelly and old, but to Noodle, his voice is Home.

“Grown.” She squeaks, her breath labored. “I.. I missed you papa. I’m.. I’m not ready to be a grown up.”

 Murdoc sucks in a breath and keeps petting her head. “I missed you too, my dear,”

“I can’t.. it hurts, Murdoc. I never got to grow up. Just one day.. One day I was hunting a demon and being shot at and taking care of myself -- “ A sob broke her off. “I want to be a kid again, riding on Toochie’e shoulders and being held and coddled. Papa, I can’t do this,”

 “Shh, shh love, you don’t have to be grown any more. We have you now. You can be a kid again.”

And then she’s asleep, and murdoc is cursing because his cheeks are wet with tears

She really acts like she needs him, and maybe she does

 Murdoc resolves to get better. To be better for her. To let her be a kid and let her rely on him.

He throws out the wine coolers and brings her honey nut cheerios and a stuffed bunny in the morning

(and punches russel for making that smug “aww” face at him)

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Changes (Namjoon x You ONESHOT)

Hey thanks for the request anon! Honestly, this song give me feels. This is my first ever hyung line fic, so thanks for giving me the opportunity and hope you will enjoy it! <3

MASTERLIST

Mmm, baby, I don't understand this You're changing, I can't stand it

"Y/N, please baby, open this door," Namjoon whispered for over a hundred times as he slide down her apartment door. He has been here for hours, begging for her to open the door and just talk to him. They have been arguing for weeks, probably months, that Namjoon lost track on how long it actually is. And the worse part is, its over something Namjoon don't even know about. Despite their rocky relationship and Y/N asking him for the gazzilionth time to just end the relationship, let her go and just move on, Namjoon doesn't seem to be able to do it.

Y/N is his love.

She is everything he has ever hoped to find in a girl. She is his perfect match in every single way. The way they met, although is more than a cliche typical love story, their feelings for each other are definitely not. Namjoon and Y/N loves each other very much, too much, they believed they have met that one person that was meant for them in this big world. She catches his eye at a fansign over thousand other girls and he has been pursuing her since them. Relentlessly and shamelessly showing his interest until Y/N submit to her feelings for him that he knows she have.. After months of persuading and chasing after her, Y/N finally opened up her heart to say yes and accept his love.

They were madly in love. They perfectly complemented each other in every way. They spend almost all of their waking time together in Y/N's tony apartment where Namjoon will only go back to his dorm to sleep when he absolutely have to. Tours that use to excites him has become some kind of a torture to him now. Having to spend months away from the love of his life, with only limited time for phone and video calls and short text messages to quench his longing and desire for her was hell. The boys doesn't seem to mind their over obsession with each other, as their leader seems to be at his happiest when he's with Y/N. A happy Namjoon means he is willing to work harder, dance harder, especially on days when Y/N would come and watches him practice, he is constantly in a good mood and with his mind always on cloud nine, Namjoon is able to produced more award winning love songs in a heart beat, all thanks to Y/N. The boys definitely have nothing to complain about their relationship, in fact, they welcome her into Namjoon's life.

Their relationship has been going on so strong for almost three years, Namjoon was sure nothing would ever break them apart. Sure, they have their off days and up and downs. Which couple doesn't? But they will somehow always managed to work things out and it will only lead them to develop a stronger feelings for each other. However, for the first time ever since he met Y/N, Namjoon can feel something is changing. Y/N is changing and it scared him to no end to think he might actually really lose her this time.

Things started to go downhill when he went off for on the last leg of his world tour. Months of separation has taken a toll on him. He miss Y/N so much, he is more than ready for the tour to end, pack his bags and went off to see Y/N, taking her in his embraced, making love to her all night long and never lets go. However, about two weeks before he was set to go home, he can sense the distance Y/N seems to be putting between them. Phone calls that she used to eager to received is now left unanswered. Video calls are met with excuses. Text messages are left unread, making Namjoon more anxious to come home even more. The worse part is, he doesn't know the reason why, and one thing that can make him aboslutely crazy, it is not being able to understand what is happening.

Once he got out of the plane, the first thing he does is run off to hail a cab and make his way to Y/N's apartment, leaving the boys and their manager in confusion. Expecting to see a smiling and overjoyed Y/N who is waiting for his return, Namjoon is sorely hurt and disappointed when he is only greeted by a cold Y/N who wouldn't even let him into her apartment or talk to him. Again, without any reason or excuse.

Y/N is changing.

The months he spent away from her made her change.

And his heart cant take it.

He needs his Y/N back.

"Y/N, its me. I'm back baby!" Namjoon knocks on the door with excitement only to be met with Y/N who looks tired and seems like she's been crying for days. "Baby, what ha-"

"You shouldn't be here Joon. Please just go," Y/N spoke between the crack of the door, voice sounded so weak and defeated, it breaks Namjoon's heart, although what she said should break his heart more.

"Go?" He asks in confusion. "What do you mean baby? Why are you saying this? Open the door and let me in. I miss you," he smile, hoping Y/N will drop the act and told him that this is all just a joke, a prank to rile him up and nothing has changed. Everything is just like it used to be.

"Please Joon. I... I don't want to do this anymore. I cant do us anymore. Please just go," was all the she answer she gave, partnered with a solemn face as she push the door trying to close it shut.

"What? You cant possibly mean that. Baby, I-" Namjoon didn't get to finish what he had wanted to say before Y/N is already shutting the door right on his face, leaving him in confusion and in dazed of what just happened, standing awkwardly in front of her door with his luggage scattered all over the floor.

Namjoon thought maybe Y/N is just going through a phase, and with time, she will be back to normal.

But all that happened months ago, and the situation doesn't get any better. Y/N refuses to talk to him at all, or even see him. Still with no explanation or reason from Y/N, Namjoon was left confused and broken, which made him resort to waiting for Y/N everyday in front of her door, begging and waiting for a chance to talk to her.

And today was no exception.

"Please baby... I dont understand, why are you doing this..." he whispered as he leaned weakly and sat on the floor, back leaned against Y/N's door, whispering the same words he has been asking every day since he came back. Words that he doubt Y/N even hear. Or care.

Namjoon leaned back his head against the door and closes his eyes, trying to think about any possible reason that could have make Y/N changed so drastically. But however long he thinks about it, nothing came to mind except the thought that scares him the most; she just doesn't love him anymore.

If that was true, what could have possibly change her heart?

"Baby... what made you change? Dont you love me anymore? Did you change your mind? Did you decide that I'm not worth to love anymore?" he will always whisper into the cold, still night air, intending for Y/N to hear him but with a voice so weak and defeated, nobody would be able to hear the cries of his broken heart.

Namjoon will spend the whole night curled up in front of her door, believing that she will finally reveal herself one day if he didnt give up and only goes back to the dorm when the sun has risen as he still have his responsibilities to fill. Looking at the tired and a broken down Namjoon everyday worry the boys but they know they should give their leader time before they starts to interfere.

"I love you so much Y/N. I'm not going to give up on us. On you. Never.I love you. I will see you tomorrow love," Namjoon leaned his forehead against her door as he softly speaks through it every morning before he left, hoping that one of these days Y/N will hear the plea of his heart.

Little that he know, every night that he spend leaning and whispering through the door, Y/N is right on the other side, leaning back, hearing every single thing that he said while clutching her aching chest, trying to calm her broken heart while trying hard to muffle her cries from Namjoon's hearing.

My heart can't take this damage And the way I feel, can't stand it

Namjoon is going crazy. He cant think of anything else other than Y/N. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, the only thing on his mind is Y/N. Months has passed and Y/N still didnt even give him a slightest reason on why she's doing this. Namjoon's heart is broken beyond repair and its taking a toll on everyone around him.

Is this how it feels to die from a broken heart?

He asks himself as he lay down flat on his bed, flipping through photos of him and Y/N in his phone.

Where did everything went wrong?

The memories of the two of them sharing smiles and laughter flooded his mind.

Why did everything change?

He touched his wet cheeks from the tears that he dont even know is rolling down from his eyes.

What happen Y/N? Please tell me. I dont think my heart can take this any longer.

A soft knock on his door makes Namjoon raised his head to see Jin leaned against his doorway, a sad smile on his face as he looks down at his broken friend and leader. It hurts Jin to see someone who is always so charismatic beaten down to a pulp like this.

"Hey Joon, can I come in?" Namjoon only answered with a weak nod and Jin walks in to take a seat besides him on the bed. "What are you doing? Are you thinking about Y/N again?"

Namjoon closes his eyes and sighed. No one understands what he's feeling and he hates to answer all this questions when all they are going do is judge him and tell him to move on.

But how can someone just move on from being in love?

"What else am I supposed to do hyung?"

Jin sighed. "Joon. Its been months. I think Y/N has made herself perfectly clear on what she wants. Dont you think you should move on too? Isnt that what she would have wanted you to do?" Namjoon straighten himself up and clasped his hands together under his chin, his head hung low.

"How can I do that hyung? When she doesnt even tell me why she's doing this? I thought about it every day but nothing makes sense. I dont understand," he huffed. "My feelings for her is not like running water that I can just turn off whenever I want to hyung. My feelings for her is real and with her doing this... I... I..."

"What is is Joon?"

"I feel like dying," he closes his eyes as if to recall the devastating feelings before continuing. "The way I'm feeling, the way my heart is breaking... I cant stand it hyung," Namjoon buried his head in his hands. Jin softly run his hands down Namjoon's back, patting him as an effort to try to comfort him. He himself is not an expert in love, how is he supposed to say words that would help calm Namjoon's heart?

"I dont know what else to say Joon. But I just hate seeing you like this. All of us do. We are all worried about you," Jin paused as he stare straight ahead at the blank wall. "But always remember that you are not alone. You will always have us," he softly stood up and heads for the door.

Namjoon maintained his position for a while longer as he rethinks and rethinks about everything that had happened in the last few months. Finally, with ultimate determination, he stood up and grabs his jacket. He is going to get his answer, and he is going to get it tonight.

Girl, you're making it hard for me

"Y/N, open up this door or I swear to God I have no problem to break it down!" he yelled as his fist bang against the door, making the wood creaks loudly. He had enough of being Mr Nice Guy. Y/N is going to give him the answers he wanted tonight whether she likes it or not. After the banging continues for almost another 15 minutes, making the neighbors around pokes their head through their door to see what's the commotion that's happening and only to be met with Namjoon's sneering, Y/N finally open the door.

Namjoon quickly steps in before Y/N have a chance to lock him out again. He only realizes what Y/N looks like after locking the door and turning around to face her. Honestly, she looks worse than he is. Her face pale and colorless, dark eye bags all over her eyes as if she hadnt have enough sleep for the last few months, eyes red and swollen, signs she too has been crying non stop and she looks so skinny, that her collarbone shows and protrudes against the loose collar of her oversized t shirt.

"Ba...baby, why are you like this? What happened to you?" Namjoon pulled her into his embraced as Y/N just stood still like a statue, submitting to his every touch. He released her after a while and peeks at her sunken face.

"Baby, please. Please tell me why you are doing this? What happened between us?" He plead. Y/N closes her eyes for a bit before opening it back to stare into his, hollow and blank.

"Why are you here Joon? I told you. I told you I dont want to do this anymore," her quiet voice that Namjoon missed so much finally filled the air.

"No. I know you dont mean that baby. Can you just tell me what's going on? Whatever it is, we will work through it. We always do,"

Y/N looks at his face as tears starts to pool at the corner of her eyes. "No. Not this time Joon. I dont deserve you. Please just go," she begged. Namjoon grab her shoulders and shake her.

"No! I'm not ever going to let go. Y/N please. My heart cant deal with this anymore. The damaged it went through for being apart from you... I cant baby,"

"Joon, you dont understand. Please..."

Namjoon shakes his head. What is Y/N talking about? Why is she saying all these things? What dont he understand?

"Then make me understand Y/N. Tell me. Show me. Explain to me. Whatever it is, as long as I dont lose you, I know I can handle it,"

Tears starts to fall more rapidly down her sunken cheeks at his words. Namjoon dont understand any of it. What has made Y/N so broken?

"Joonie... I love you," her voice is so low Namjoon had to take a step forward to actually hear her. But once he did, once the long awaited the love confession reached his ears, his broken heart soared. Hope starts to rise for him again.

"Baby. I love you too. I love you so much. There was never even a second that I have stop loving you," he gave her swift butterfly kisses all over her face. "Please tell me baby. Make me understand. Mend my broken heart that only you can fix,"

Y/N closes her eyes as her tears is no longer able to stop from spilling out. After a long paused, she finally opened her mouth

"I'm pregnant Joon. And its not yours,"

PART TWO PREVIEW

A/N: I am planning to turn this into a two shot, where the second part has nothing to do with the song, but everything to do with the story. I feel like Y/N deserve another chapter to explain what actually had happened. Give me your opinion if you think I should continue?

Namjoon held the door from letting Y/N slammed it shut on him again. He looked deep into her eyes and he is convinced that Y/N still loves him. He dont understand what is going on, and he want answers now!

"Dont you dare Y/N," he warned. "I know you didnt cheat on me. I know you are not capable of that. You love me and I can see it. Tell me what happened Y/N. Tell me and let me love you again,"

Y/N released her hold on the door and Namjoon take the opportunity to wedged himself in. She lowered her gaze as Namjoon stand in front of her and her tears rapidly fall to the floor.

"You are right Joon... I didnt cheat on you. I...I... I was..."