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moved-danganronpamess · 4 years

Note

I'm eager for fluff today, sooooo... Fuyuhiko, Kazuichi, Gundham, and Byakuya proposing to their s/o..? Also have a good day!!!

You're so sweet! Have a good day as well! I hope you'll enjoy this dear!

Thank you very much for requesting and don't forget to take care of yourself and stay hydrated!!! - mod Chiaki

Fuyuhiko, Kazuichi, Gundham and Byakuya proposing to their S/O

Fuyuhiko :

♡ He's so weak for you, I'm not even joking

♡ He's always trying to keep you safe while also making sure that he has time for you, because his profession is very draining

♡ For him to start thinking about marrying you is when he asks you to move in with him, to the Kuzuryuu household

♡ It won’t be hard protecting you when you live with him, even if he is gone working

♡ But as much as he wants to marry you, he's also worried

♡ Because what if someone will want to hurt you once they know that you're his spouse, he also doesn't know how you'll take his question and what you will answer

♡ So he watches you very closely when he has time, during breakfast, while brushing your teeth in the same room together, while watching TV, cuddling, anything

♡ "What is it, Fuyu?" You looked over at him, he's been looking at you with such intensity the whole week. Especially this morning.

♡ "Nothing."

♡ When he sees that you're very comfortable in the new home and how much you love him, he starts to think about proposing seriously

♡ How should he ask you?

♡ But, no matter how he planned to ask you, he didn't do it

♡ Because when he saw you in the morning with your sleepy eyes, he just thought 'fuck it, I can just ask them now'

♡ His heart just couldn't take your beauty

♡ So rather then worrying endlessly, he will take his chances

♡ "Where are you going?" You said as you saw him sitting up from your bed, tugging on his shirt.

♡ He opened the drawer of his bedside table and took out the small box, that looked so perfect for this occasion

♡ "S/O..."

♡ "Hmm?" You leaned onto your elbows, trying to see what he took out of the drawer, but his turned back blocked your view.

♡ "I've wanted to ask you for a while. Will you marry me?!" He turned to look in your sleepy eyes with a nervous look on his face.

♡ Will you or not?

Kazuichi :

♡ This man will do anything you ask him to!

♡ He thinks you're so beautiful, especially when you smile, tell him you love him or even during mundane tasks

♡ Before he even thinks of marrying you, you two have to live together

♡ Because yes, he'll see you in the most normal setting and also, something about you kind of screams spouse for life????

♡ He's just shocked, because he didn't ever think of it before

♡ But now that he can sleep beside you, wake up to your face and everything

♡ He falls even more in love with you

♡ So it's pretty obvious even to you that he's over the moon and planning something to add into it

♡ He isn't the smartest guy, but he is a sweetheart and he's gonna give his 200% to propose to you in a great fashion

♡ Will try to be really flashy with it, fireworks made by him, a good pricy dinner and of course an engagement ring

♡ Will ask you to marry him after your dinner

♡ He will bring you to a secluded clearing where you can see the sky very well and there he activated the fireworks to go off

♡ "Kazu, where are we going?" You asked him as you followed him in the dark, hand in hand.

♡ "Here," he stood in a place where he knew that the view would be amazing and as soon as you were about to question him, the fireworks started.

♡ He watched how your eyes lighted up and you smiled so warmly because of the show he put on. Then he saw your eyes widen and he knew what you saw.

♡ The 'S/O, will you marry me?' in the midst of the fireworks

♡ He kneeled down on one of his knees, letting go of your hand momentarily to get out the ring from his pocket

♡ "Is this what I think-," you turned to him, about to ask him about the fireworks only to see him look up at you with a ring in his hand, a hopeful look in his eyes.

♡ "I know I'm not the best at this kind of stuff, but I promise to make you happy. And I'll be the happiest man alive to be with you. So S/O, will you marry me?" He asked you with the lights from the fireworks illuminating his face, he hoped you would agree.

♡ Will you?

Gundham :

♡ He's whipped

♡ He'll blush a lot around you, but also will feel at such ease around you

♡ And he just can't stop thinking about how happy he is with you??

♡ But for even the idea of marriage to cross his mind, it'll take some time

♡ He just doesn't have an opinion on it

♡ So to make sure how he thinks of it, he wants to move in with you and see how compatible with each other you two are in that kind of situation

♡ He'll see how well you deal with the animals he takes care of, which he did when you were dating as well

♡ Perhaps, if the animals like you he'll think about marrying you seriously? yes

♡ But what to do? How shall he approach you with this question? Should he ask for your hand with the help of his talent?

♡ He's just clueless for quite the bit??

♡ But after consulting Sonia to the best of his abilities, he was able to create a plan

♡ So one morning when you woke up and when you see that the only one who is on the bed is Cham-P, patiently waiting for you to wake up

♡ You're more than just surprised. Where did the other ones go and especially Gundham?

♡ "Good morning, little one. Where is Gundham?" You petted Cham-P to which he squaked happily and pointed his small paw to the semi-open door to your bedroom.

♡ "Thank you," you stood up from the bed and took him into your arms to go and see what's happening at your house.

♡ Only to see Jum-P waiting for you outside of the door, careful to squeak loudly so that you don't miss him, he quickly pointed further into the hallway to the wall that separated your kitchen and living room

♡ You took him into your arms and walked further until you saw the third one, San-D

♡ "Where should I go now?" You kneeled down, petting him on his head.

♡ He pointed his paw to your kitchen

♡ You took him with you and saw Maga-Z sitting patiently on your kitchen table holding a tiny box

♡ "Dear, I'm sorry, but what's with the Devas this morning?"

♡ "Behold the strength of the mighty Maga-Z!" he yelled out when the tanned hamster pushed the small box closer to you and squeaked up at you, as if begging for you to open it.

♡ You put the hamsters down as you took the box from his tiny paws, swiftly opening it to see a ring inside

♡ "It would be a great honor to have you accompany me, the Overlord of Ice, for the rest of our mortal lifes as a spouse. Will you accept my words?"

♡ Will you accept?

Byakuya :

♡ Very nonchalant about everything

♡ You want help? Oh, okay. You need a little attention as long as you don't distract him from his duties? Yes, sure.

♡ Don't believe his confident attitude, this man adores you with all his heart!

♡ He will give you literally everything ^^

♡ But marriage, marriage, of course he thought of it

♡ He is a part of the Togami family after all, but he doesn't care about your status in society or anything like that

♡ If he wants to marry you, he's gonna marry you

♡ Because he loves you

♡ He will look for a ring that he thinks would be quite fitting for you or he will just order it exactly how he wants it and some kind of company will make it for him, no in between

♡ "I accept nothing less than perfect." He's gonna give hell to anyone who does a single mistake on the ring, no matter how small it is.

♡ Then in his own fashion he will invite you to a high-class restaurant which you got used to during your dating

♡ He will keep the box in a small pocket of his suit and wait for the perfect chance in the midst of the gentle classical music that plays throughout the restaurant

♡ And then when you're both finished eating and he's feeling like this will be the perfect moment, he takes the box and kneels down on one of his knee beside the table

♡ "Byakuya?!" It was the first time you saw him kneel down and also the last one. Because as much as he is who he is, he respects you a lot.

♡ This is one of the rare instances that he won't care about his status, he's just a man in love

♡ "This may be quite sudden, however, the love that you're so graciously giving to me is very precious to me. And I wish to give you the same. Will you marry me, S/O?

♡ Yes or No?

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fistsofcurie · 4 years

Text

Why is Cal the protagonist instead of Cere?

So I was replaying Jedi: Fallen Order recently, and something really stuck out to me. This is going to be long, kinda ranty, and full of spoilers, so analysis is under the cut.

For those of you unfamiliar with the game, you play as Cal Kestis, a Padawan who survived Order 66. For reference, Cal looks like this:

In other words, he looks like every other modern white guy video game protagonist:

Except maybe slightly younger than average, and ginger this time (and even that was apparently one of the first things people modded out). Oh and he has a cute droid. This post intends no shade to BD-1, for whom I would die.

Anyway, when we meet Cal at the beginning of the game, he’s living in hiding from the Empire, who would very much like to finish the job they started with Order 66. When Cal’s status as an ex-Jedi is revealed, the Empire sends a couple of Inquisitors after him, and he barely manages to escape with the help of Cere Junda, who looks like this:

Over the course of the game, we learn that Cere also used to be a Jedi - a full Knight instead of a Padawan like Cal, but that she turned away from the Force in the aftermath of Order 66. Eventually (SERIOUS SPOILER WARNING TURN BACK IF YOU CARE ABOUT THIS) it’s revealed that the Second Sister, one of the Inquisitors hunting Cal, is none other than Trilla Suduri, Cere’s former Padawan. Cere left Trilla to care for some younglings they were guarding while Cere herself ran off to try to lead the Empire away. Cere was caught and tortured until she gave up Trilla’s location, and then Trilla was caught and tortured until she became an Inquisitor. When Cere saw Trilla take up that mantle, she tapped into the Dark Side, allowing her to escape, but also prompting her to give up the Force lest she fall completely. Trilla, for reference, looks like this:

This brings us to the main crux of this post, namely, why the hell is Cal even in this game, much less as its protagonist? Trilla, as the main antagonist, is only after Cal because a) he’s a Jedi, so killing or capturing him is pretty much her job as an Inquisitor and b) he’s after the same MacGuffin she is. It’s not personal, it’s business. Any personal edge to the taunts she throws your way throughout the game only comes by way of Cal’s relationship with her former Master. Make Cere the player character, and the conflict with the primary villain immediately becomes hugely more personal, more visceral, the reveal of Trilla’s identity has that much more impact.

True, it is a big part of Cere’s character arc to show that she’s recovered enough from her trauma to be willing to trust Cal, be open with him, and train him, but the opening up and trusting parts could easily be transferred to her relationship with her friend and pilot Greez, aka Space Danny Devito. As for being willing to take on a new Padawan, the primary MacGuffin you’re trying to recover in this game is a holocron containing a list of force sensitive children whom Cal and Cere EXPLICITLY PLAN TO TRAIN AS JEDI. If that isn’t enough of a source of that type of angst, I hardly think Cal “Personality of Wet Tissue Paper” Kestis is going to do the job. If it didn’t get explored thoroughly enough in this game, that’s just more sequel fodder. Instead of (MORE BIG SPOILERS FOR THE VERY END OF THE GAME TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED IT) destroying the holocron to prevent the Empire from hunting the children it identifies, Cere could use find those children. Maybe the next game would have the children themselves as the MacGuffins you’re trying to collect, or maybe it would skip ahead in time to where Cere has already trained some of them up a bit. They could each have their own strengths, weaknesses, and special abilities, and you could play as different characters on different levels depending on what was needed to get the job done.

True, movie canon shows us that there isn’t a thriving Jedi Order up and running at the time of the original trilogy, just isolated hermits like Obi-Wan and Yoda, which is why it’s such a big deal when Luke becomes a Jedi and we assume that, after the fall of the Empire, he’s going to re-found the order. That didn’t stop us from getting characters like Kanan, Ezra, and Ahsoka in Rebels though. (Yes, I know Ahsoka’s not technically a Jedi at that point, but you get my point.) They could easily be operating in an isolated cell somewhere on the Outer Rim or something. Or maybe they get shut down at some point, giving us more fuel for tragedy and feels. The point is, there are ways to handle this that both don’t conflict with canon and also don’t completely invalidate the goal you’ve been pursuing for the whole game. Oh look, the choice of protagonist isn’t my only issue with this game’s plot. Short detour, back to the main point.

You wouldn’t even have to change the main story beats that much. Cere would also have been in hiding, as demonstrated by the fact that she’s still alive, so have her huddled up in some backwater when she gets exposed and attacked like Cal was, forcing her to realize that she’ll never really be able to hide from her past and must face it. Her cutting herself off from the Force mirrors Cal’s damaged connection to the Force, so you could have the necessary video game progression of gaining back various force powers as you move through the game. Cere’s worry about falling to the dark side is much more in line with the traditional Star Wars theme of light vs. dark than Cal’s worry that he’s not good enough because he failed to save his master, Jaro Tapal, and is, in my opinion, more interesting as well.

Hell, speaking of Jaro, I’d take him as a protagonist too. So many species in the Star Wars universe, and when’s the last time we had a video game with a canon protagonist who was anything other than a human? The physical strength and agility he’d have as a Lasat would give the designers room to give the players some cool moves to play with.

Anyway, Cere’s light side/dark side conflict could even give you some interesting story mechanics to play with. Maybe the game allows you to make a final choice whether to try to redeem Trilla (light side) or take revenge on her for hunting you (dark side). Or maybe, in the final boss fight against Trilla, you could choose to tap into the dark side to get a power boost, but in exchange you get a worse ending.

The point is, as far as I can see, there’s literally only upside from the perspectives of both story and game mechanics to making Cere the protagonist of Fallen Order instead of Cal. Feel free to point out anything I might have missed, but that’s how I see it currently. The only thing holding them back would have been the fear that Star Wars fanboys and hardcore gamers wouldn’t have bought the game if it had an older black woman on the box art instead of a young white guy. The depressing part is, they’re probably right.

I will admit, I’m being somewhat hyperbolic here. I did still very much enjoy the game, and Cal was at least a serviceable protagonist, if not an exciting one. He’s just everything we’re used to seeing in a player character, and nothing we’re not, and that’s always going to be disappointing and frustrating when the opportunity to have a kickass Star Wars video game centering on the conflict between two women of color was right fucking there but we didn’t get it and instead they played it safe.

#star wars #jedi fallen order #cal kestis #cere junda #star wars jedi: fallen order #swjfo #sw jfo #cw torture mention #swjfo spoilers #jedi fallen order spoilers

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thisweekingundamwing · 5 years

Text

This Week in Gundam Wing 15-21 September 2019

Here’s this week’s roundup!

Remember to give your content creators some love! And join in on the events at the bottom!

~Mod Hel

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@anaranesindanarie

Arms Race (Ch. 1) https://archiveofourown.org/works/20709938/chapters/49196105

Duo Maxwell, Hilde Schbeiker, Trowa Barton, Catherine Bloom, Heero Yuy, Chang Wufei, Long Meilan, Relena Peacecraft, Quatre Raberba Winner, Dorothy Catalonia, Lady Une, Treize Khushrenada, Zechs Merquise

Quatre Raberba Winner/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Duo Maxwell

Arms dealers, AU, Weapons Dealers, Weapons, undercover agents, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, weapons buyers

Duo and Trowa are rival weapon dealers. They are both contacted by the same person who offers a contract to whoever can get to them first. On the way they fight each other, other weapon dealers, and the Preventers. Who will win and who will lose?

@doctormegalomania

You Body’s Poetry (Ch.4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438891/chapters/49175264

Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei/Original Female Character(s), Duo Maxwell/Hilde Schbeiker, Relena Peacecraft & Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell/Original Male Character(s)

Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei, Sally Po, Relena Peacecraft, Lucrezia Noin, Zechs Merquise, Hilde Schbeiker

Past Relationship(s), Slice of Life, Post-Break Up, Slow Burn, Developing Relationship, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence

Long after the wars, long after peace is established the Gundam Pilots discover one immovable fact: Relationships are hard work.

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

Duo’s Sleep Talking Escapades https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187847186429/lemontrash-incorrectgundamwingquotes-duo

Really cute, and then it hurts us at the end.

Duo Maxwell, WuFei Chang, Quatre Raberba Winner, Trowa Barton, Heero Yuy, Solo

kuroiyousei

Animal-Handler https://archiveofourown.org/collections/sofa_exchange_2019/works/20289412

Heero Yuy/Trowa Barton, Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, Catherine Bloom, That circus guy, Relena Peacecraft, Heero Yuy, Alex (Gundam Wing), Duo Maxwell, Original Characters (minor roles)

Ambiguous relationship status for main couple(s), Established relationship for main couple(s), Language (general), Pansexual Duo, Pansexual Heero, Pansexual Trowa, Sexuality/sexual references, a/b/o dynamics, Violence, Adventure, Drama, POV: Trowa, AU - Fantasy World, Alternate Universe, Animal Death, (It's a peregrine falcon)

Though the circus has settled in for its winter break, Trowa Barton (acrobat, animal-handler, and werebeast beta) still has his hands full – with a newly acquired lion he’s sure is more than it appears, the return of former romantic partner and current alpha-friend-with-benefits Heero, and tiny niece Relena growing up much too fast.

Fanart/Gunpla/Photo Manips:

@duointherain

https://duointherain.tumblr.com/post/187724947409/duo-after-my-fic-lsd

Duo Maxwell

@rx-79bluedestiny

https://rx-79bluedestiny.tumblr.com/post/187807468128/the-hg-oz-06ms-leo-fairly-basic-kit-that-goes

OZ Leos, Wing - Gunpla

Photosets/Gifsets/Screenshots/Manga Pages:

@disturbed02girl

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/187730984670

Relena & Milliardo, Glory of the Losers

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/187730993555

Duo, Deathscythe, Relena, & Dorothy, Glory of the Losers

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/187811090095

WuFei & Nataku, Glory of the Losers

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/187829176535

Quatre Raberba Winner, Glory of the Losers

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/187785708560

Wing Zero, Glory of the Losers

Head Canons:

@janaverse

https://janaverse.tumblr.com/post/187802445763

Duo’s ‘busy’ work, photo edit/headcanon

Fandom Discourse:

@cynfinnegan

https://cynfinnegan.tumblr.com/post/187843443639/question-for-my-fellow-gundam-wing-fans-im

Chime in about getting 10Q’s mini interviews with the GW VAs!

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187874147849/how-about-heero-for-your-character

Some ‘abouts’ about Heero Yuy, for a meme

Quotes:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187760539944/quatre-trowa-what-are-you-doing-trowa-helping

Quatre & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187756344161/wufei-on-the-phone-hey-im-already-here-where

WuFei & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187746620175/wufei-youre-drinking-again-trowa-relax-its

WuFei, Trowa, & Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187753083594/noin-one-time-miss-relenas-friend-dorothy

Noin

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187742395708/heero-what-would-you-do-if-you-find-you-have-one

Heero, Quatre, Duo, WuFei, & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187737609771/sharing-a-safehouse-duo-and-trowa-staring-out

Duo, Trowa, & Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187733014815/heero-i-made-coffee-with-an-energy-drink-instead

Heero & Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187729480485/wufei-to-the-other-gundam-pilots-amazing-the

WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187722888862/trowa-being-the-cat-whisperer-was-not-the-hot-take

Trowa

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187723915789/duo-do-you-ever-say-anything-encouraging-heero

Duo & Heero

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187823711113/duo-thanks-fei-i-dont-know-why-everyone-says

Duo & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187832259289/incorrectgundamwingquotes-trowa-screaming-at-the

Trowa (and the gishey fishies)

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187832220374/what-ship-is-rddc-i-dont-think-i-recognize

Relena & Dorothy... and Dorothy’s brows.

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187844389574/incorrectgundamwingquotes

OZ Judge... attempting to judge the boys.

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187846287183/trowa-tooth-fairies-are-a-much-smaller-and

Trowa, WuFei, & Duo

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/187852612484/gwkimmy-idlefic-in-my-hypothetical-gundam

Dorothy’s boyfriend Quatre needs his boyfriends.

MoodBoard/Aesthetics:

@notanewtype

https://notanewtype.tumblr.com/post/187795760359/heero-and-trowa-hang-out-in-moody-library-mobile

Heero and Trowa Hang Out in Moody Library - aesthetic

Calendar Events:

@gundamzine

Rhythm Generation: Shooting Stars, Celebrating 25 Years of Gundam Wing

Meet the Mods https://gundamzine.tumblr.com/post/186886285283/head-mod-lifeaftermeteor-brittany-has-been-a

Zine Content https://gundamzine.tumblr.com/post/186791784139/rhythm-generation-shooting-stars-is-an-unofficial

Applications Open! https://gundamzine.tumblr.com/post/187839314603/gundamzine-applications-are-open-rhythm

@gundam-wing-bingo

Gundam Wingo is a go!

Come and sign up for a card here: https://gundam-wing-bingo.tumblr.com/post/185466400076/gundam-wing-bingo

@gwcocktailfriday

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, during Happy Hour between 3 & 5 pm in your own timezone.

Here’s the prompt for Friday, September 27th! https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/post/187858876831/never-rub-another-mans-rhubarb-which-finds-a-use

For those going to Pillowfort, find us here.

If anyone has ideas for prompts, PLEASE send them in! Our ask box is always open.

In need of Fall and Winter prompts! Maybe even Halloween/Harvest/Equinox specific ones?

@thisweekingundamevents

Gundam Wing Unorthodox Undercover Work Mini Bang

Mini Bang Timeline: https://thisweekingundamevents.tumblr.com/post/186718109915/unorthodox-undercover-mini-bang

Reminder about upcoming deadlines! https://thisweekingundamevents.tumblr.com/post/187624128440/gundam-wing-unorthodox-undercover-work-mini-bang

Hope you’re all doing well!

#Gundam Wing #This Week in Gundam Wing #Weekly Roundup #15-21 September 2019

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kestrelsarethebestrels · 3 years

Text

Employer termination.

-PART 1-

It wasn’t easy at first.

Not the part that involves eating people, of course. Alex had no qualms about that. He wasn’t burdened by things like “morals” and “ethics,” and that silly thing called “introspection.” No, it was the process of taking them apart and storing the pieces which he found difficult. Oh, and of course - getting the bodies in the first place. After the aggression of the initial avian assault, the store had been nearly picked clean and there weren’t a whole lot of surviving humans.

There was one single advantage in his possession. Intelligence? Nope. Skills? Naw. It was the element of surprise. That was assisted by arrows. Lots of them (fletched by the other employees). Oh, and the pocketknives, of which he had pocketed a few for himself in the before-times. From time to time he reminisced about the particularly gruesome ones, which were intentionally coworkers he had deeply despised. Like Gary, for instance. Always bossing him around, that son of a bitch. Thought he was way better at being a bow technician, just because he knew how to properly tune a bow and cared, for some stupid reason, about customer service. You’re not my real boss! he often angrily thought, when Alex’s mistakes were pointed out to him.

Well, he took care of Gary first, that quiet old man. That one was rather messy, but the goal of the inaugural kill was to make a statement, not to keep it simple. It terrified the others, but at that point Alex had already stockpiled any usable weapons and had trapped the rest in the conference room. From then on, the order was his immediate boss, the owner, and then anyone else on a whim.

Preparing them was also an ordeal, as Alex had never once cooked in his life, unless you count putting a frozen pizza in the oven as cooking. He had burned that the first four times in his life too, but he got the hang of it eventually. The grill at the 4U Cafe should have been simple to operate, but he had spent the better part of a day trying to light the flame. Imagine a man desperately flailing a mini Bic lighter around what he thought was the flame source, but was in fact just the edge of a grate. That was the scene about three hours into his struggle. Two hours after that, it finally occurred to him that he had never turned on the gas in the first place. He still considered that an overwhelming success. There was a bunch of leftover onion ring breading in the kitchen storage room, and being a good ol’ boy from the land of fried foods, he created his own version of deep frying the meat. Serve that up with a side of decade-old expired ketchup, of which there were gallons in the kitchen, and voila. It’s a hell of a wonder he never got scurvy, but thanks to Gary’s immense stash of Emergen-C packets, the minimum amount of sustenance was just barely achieved. For shits and giggles, he had even tried deep frying brains. It turned out pretty good, in his opinion. (Remember, this is the same guy who thinks frozen pizza is the height of culinary mastery.) He liked to pretend he was a zombie whenever he got to those pieces, which was always saved for last.

He savored (both literally and figuratively) in the fact that he had finally proven himself to be an alpha male by being the last survivor at H&H. He didn’t miss anyone, sentimentally speaking, after the apocalypse started. Friends were far and few in between before that, anyways. Alex incorrectly chalked that up to the idea that mere mortals were intimidated by him. Men envied his souped-up super duty F250 and camo everything, and women were… well, he didn’t know anything about women, so anyone who didn’t respond to his creepy Tinder messages (which was all of them) was definitely a bitch. Everyone else outside of that gender binary didn’t exist, or else they were “goin’ straight to hell,” as he liked to remark to anyone who’d listen.

As for the birds, he took the hero’s route and bravely stayed indoors almost the entire time, only venturing out to find fresh water and pilfer dry ice from the businesses up near MacArthur and 29th. Dry ice - why, you ask? Well, that walk-in freezer had to stay cold somehow. What with all the body parts and such.

Except now, in early 2042, the people-food had run its course (pun totally intended). Occasionally he was able to lure down a highly dull and unintelligent bird to the front entrance and shoot it with his bow (missing his mark about half the time, arrows sent clattering over the parking lot asphalt), but in his attempt to prove his dominance over all of god’s creatures, he opted to use broadheads. There wasn’t a whole lot left that was edible after that, but goddamn did he feel good after a good bird kill. Revenge, he thought. Revenge for the humans (though, again, “humans” defined a universe that included himself and himself only). Eventually he ran out of functioning broadheads, which slowed that food source to a trickle as well. It turns out that missing your target and hitting the concrete sidewalk or parking lot surface really messes with the integrity of the arrow. Who would’ve thought?

Anyways, he was running out of ideas, flesh, and also vitamin C packets. On one cold morning, he woke up as usual (fatigued and cranky as all get out). He shuffled slowly, bundled up in other people’s jackets, exited the warmer interior room and made his way towards the cafe for the very few morsels that were left of his last victim, a pathetically obese bluejay that had gorged itself on too many rancid leftovers from the nearby Denny’s. His bulky elbow caught a stack of decaying papers on the shop counter, which fluttered disorganizedly to the ground (is there any other way for paper to fall to the floor?). Something caught his eye. An invoice? Painstakingly, he bent down to pick it up.

JASON MILLER - INVICTA 37 SVX PINK SATIN FINISH #3 MOD SET

Hah. Jason Miller. He vaguely remembered that name as being attached to a fussy asshole who was constantly pestering him about the “status” of his order. Like he cared. Looks like Chris was the one who placed this order. Chris: former manager, also formerly alive. His current position was now part of a haphazardly balanced pile of bones behind the cash register.

The journey to the cafe would have to be interrupted for now. He gripped the invoice tightly with a sense of anticipation. Alex knew there was a giant stack of boxes that had arrived from Hoyt, Mathews, and Elite in the back room, and he was pretty sure those people were still waiting to pick them up (deceased status pending). If he knew anything about statistics, his confidence in that information would have been within a 95% confidence interval, because after failing all of his other responsibilities, it had been his sole job to contact those people to let them know that their orders had arrived. This task, like most other things, was consistently shirked as well.

He mustered his last few brain cells and remaining muscle mass and awkwardly sprinted to the back room, if you could call it a sprint. He ran a pen, as a pointer, from top to bottom of the stack of cardboard boxes… slowly… slowly… there it was. The Invicta. He silently congratulated himself, as usual, and quickly returned to the main shop.

It had been a long while since he had used the landline, seeing as how he had no friends to check up on. A tone immediately greeted him upon picking up the phone, much to his relief. He located the phone number on the invoice from earlier, rehearsed a few lines beforehand, and then made the call. Shockingly, the person on the other end responded.

Cool.

Now the plan had been set in motion. It was time to play the waiting game…

-PART 2-

He couldn’t stop marveling at his good fortune. He also couldn’t stop laughing, either, but that was a side effect of the starvation delirium. While that chump in the back room was getting excited over his new bow, Alex silently retrieved one of his own, which had been hidden earlier behind the counter. Pushing aside an assorted mix of Gary and Chris to grab an arrow, he loaded up his second-to-last broadhead and stayed low. No sense in alerting the other guy right now, who was probably still futzing around back there. He closed his eyes, gripped the bow, and attempted to wish the hunger pangs away. The anticipation was too strong. With his index-trigger release already attached to the string, Alex peered from behind the shelves and into the backroom to catch a glimpse of his next meal.

Shit. Where’d he go?

“You lookin’ for someone?”

Now standing, he frantically searched for the source of the sound and was blinded (again) by that stupidly bright flashlight beam. With the last of his strength, he drew back the bow. It came back down. Too weak that time. He drew back the bow... nope. Still needed more force to get all the way to full draw. All right, this time for real… he drew back the bow and once again failed to overcome the peak draw weight.

“Struggling a little there?”

Ah, that fucker was taunting him. Alex had no reply - speaking drained too much energy. He could mutter crazily, though, and he sure did. Exasperated, he angrily drew back the bow one more time and his own shoddy workmanship failed him.

A great shattering noise was followed by a clattering of pieces. In his enthusiasm, Alex had torqued the bow while drawing it, de-aligning the strings (which he had never waxed) and popping the main cable right off of the cams. He blankly and pathetically stared at the only thing that remained in his hand, the compound’s riser. (The moral of this story: don’t shoot a PSE. Just kidding.)

The other voice spoke. “Wow. I almost feel sorry for you. Almost.” He heard the subtle click of another bow being pulled to full draw. “I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time, and I mean this in the most genuine way -

Alex, you’re the worst.”

In a final moment of brief clarity, right before Jason’s fixed-blade arrow passed through his skull, a thought occurred to him for the first and certainly last time in his life: Oh. I fucked up.

-PART 3-

It wasn’t that hard, in the end. A 20-yard shot, Jason guessed. He was pretty close, too - the other man was just shy of 22.

The bit that tipped him off was the sudden quietness from the main room. Very suspicious. By then, Jason had already tied a d-loop onto the Invicta and threw on an arrow rest. No sense in dilly dallying while ol’ Hannibal was still out there. His camping pack had included a whole bunch of archery tools. Added some extra weight to his already hefty bags, but it was worth it. And he packed arrows. All of them, but especially the hunting arrows.

Jason didn’t take too kindly to people-eaters. He made sure to double-tap too, just in case.

He kicked one foot for a response. Nothing. Dug his foot into the shoulder. Still nothing. Kneeled down to check the carotid artery… no pulse. And since this isn’t a zombie story, it’s safe to say the guy on the floor was now totally, comprehensively, holistically, well-n-good dead.

After loading up on more tools from the shop, he made his way back to the entrance and took one final glance towards the dark, haunted western corner of H&H. This time, he wasn’t leaving empty-handed. The gorgeous and garishly pink bow would turn some heads, to be sure, but most likely they’d be heads with beaks on them, and maybe now they’d leave him alone for a while longer. He sighed deeply, this time with satisfaction.

It had been a good goddamn day.

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onlinediaryspace · 4 years

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I was once that “psycho girlfriend” people talk about

In March 2017, I landed my first real full time job. I had done part time jobs up until then such as a bakery, a cafe, things like that. This was my first full time job, with pretty decent pay for my age, I had a ton of disposable income. I was 19. The job was in a warehouse, it wasn’t easy, but it was interesting. I basically packed goods for the MOD like plane parts and such. I really loved it. The packing department was a small room within the building, like a box, it had it’s own ceiling that was a normal height, because obviously the actual factory was very tall. It was a cosy area to work in because in the start there was only 4 of us packing, and I was good friends with them all. We all had our own desk that we could arrange how we wanted, and I loved it, it felt so grown up. I also got to interact with the rest of the warehouse staff as others would be in and out of packing to either talk to the supervisor or use the photocopy machine. The person we saw the most was Josh, as he would be in and out with paperwork for the supervisor, Rich. I remember the first time I saw Josh, he was tall (over 6ft), kind of stocky but not overweight, just a big guy. He wore glasses, had neat gelled back hair, and just generally looked intelligent. He wore a shirt and tie to work as he was an office person, whereas I was factory-floor so just dressed comfortably. I remember vividly I was sat at what was my desk at the time, which faced the door to enter packing, and Josh walks in, approaches my colleague, Arthur, and says “Art, may I briefly liberate your tape measure?” to which Art handed it over and Josh replied “huzzah!” I mentally remarked that he seemed well educated, which was something that appealed to me at that age for some reason, hypocritical really considering I’m not well educated myself. I don’t remember exactly what started it, but me and Josh started to chat every time he would come to packing, which I enjoyed because he was a good person to have a conversation with, no awkward silences. It of course didn’t take long for me to add him on Facebook, and from there things moved fast, too fast.

April rolls around, and me and Josh had been friendly since March, only a couple of weeks before then. We were talking at work one day and realised that we were both going to Bristol, the nearest city to us, on Saturday, for different purposes. We pondered meeting while we were there, as we thought it would be nice to meet outside of work, however we ended up both being too busy to meet up that day, so Josh asked me if I wanted to get coffee the next day. So we met on the Sunday at midday at a local cafe, where we ended up sitting and chatting for 5 hours and it was lovely. Conversation flowed so naturally. I hadn’t actually registered it as a date, but apparently it was. I hadn’t done this sort of thing before, so attention from a guy like this was new to me. I should mention Josh is a bit older than me, only 5 years, but when we met I was 19 and he was 24, was although a small age gap, me being a teenager impacted the effect of the gap. While we were at the cafe, Josh asked me on a second date the following Saturday, to which I agreed to, but also didn’t realise was a date until a few days later when it clicked. So I messaged him on the Wednesday asking “I was just thinking about Saturday, is it...a date?” he replied “hey, I was hoping it would be, as long as you’re comfortable with that?” I said “are we...a thing? Like not an official thing thing like Facebook relationship status thing but sort of a thing exclusive to us for now thing maybe possibly” to which he replied “yeah I would say we are, I think. As long as you want to be of course? Then we just take it slow and see how things go?” the irony of ‘take it slow’ is funny now. So on the Saturday we did dinner and a movie, classic date. In fact it was lovely, we had noodles at Wagamamas, and then we saw Beauty and the Beast and had the entire cinema to ourselves as no one else had tickets for that time. I had a lovely night, but somehow it felt off. It was amazing, yet it didn’t feel like a date. It certainly was a date, it had all the characteristics of a date, but I think something deep inside me didn’t actually want to date this man as much as I wanted to just be friends. Of course me being me I felt bad telling him this, and not only that but I just thought maybe because it’s all so new I’m just freaking out, and my thoughts will settle soon. The longer I waited, the bigger hole I dug myself into.

April, May and June were actually pretty fun. I met Josh’s friends, he met my friends, and we all got along. I had made a bunch of new friends, and I loved it. For a while, I was on top of the world. We had some great days out in Bristol with his two close friends Rhi and Marcus. We drank in various pubs, we ate in nice restaurants, we played games in a board game cafe, we walked around, we even went to a secret bar where you have to know how to get in to drink in there. The first time we met up with them was the time that one of only two photos of me and Josh to ever exist was taken.

It was a Polaroid, so we had one physical photo of us and one digital photo that we took on my phone, and that was it for 2 years.

Josh’s birthday was in June too, on the 24th. I bought him an archived newspaper that was printed on the day he was born, so he could see what was happening on and around June 24th 1992. He was a History buff, with a degree in the subject, so he absolutely loved the present and treasured it so much. It was this day that we went to his Mum and Step-dad’s house for a BBQ to finish his birthday, I don’t remember if it was my first time meeting them, but I remember when we walked back to mine that evening I commented “you’re right, your Step-dad is a dick” because he was, Josh did a little happy dance at the fact that I agreed with him and hugged me. It was also this day that I suggested that if we move out into our own place, he wouldn’t have to live with him anymore. Josh was very happy, and I was happy for him, but I was nervous. I act on impulse a lot, and this was one of those moments. So began our hunt for a place to rent. We actually got very lucky and moved into a 2 bedroom house on the 4th August 2017, exactly 4 months after we had got together. One of my fondest memories is actually sitting on the floor of our new, empty house, drinking a cup of tea, where I remarked that we will never forget this moment. The first night that we officially spent in our house, on the 4th, we ordered Chinese food and sat at our new dining table to eat it, this was a happy moment.

From August to November that year, we were happy, except I still wasn’t attracted to Josh. I really wanted to be, but I wasn’t and I couldn’t force it. This raised the issue of sex. I was still a virgin at this point, and a teenager. I was nervous about my first time. I had never really been interested in sex and always knew that I would do it one day but it would have to be someone I’m very attracted to, this meant that because Josh couldn’t turn me on, I could never get in the mood to do it with him. Spoiler alert I’m still a virgin now at age 22, although I really hope that changes soon to be honest. I told him all this though, right at the start of the relationship, and he was okay with it. He said he loved me for me and didn’t care what we did. That didn’t last unfortunately, because he’s human, and very different to how I was at that time.

In November, I turned 20, and Josh took me on holiday for my birthday. I think my birthday was on a Tuesday that year, and we went Monday-Friday that week. In retrospect, his present to me was far superior to the newspaper I got him, but I didn’t have that kind of conscience back then. He paid for the whole thing, and everything we did while on holiday. On the surface it sounds like an amazing holiday, we stayed in a cabin in the Welsh countryside, no one around, a hot tub on the porch, the stars were visible a night because of the lack of light pollution, a dream holiday, right? It wasn’t. That week was the first argument. All couples argue I know, but it was bad for a couple as new as us. I’ve sort of repressed it from my memory, but I remember we were cycling somewhere and I was being generally whiny and ungrateful, so he stopped cycling to turn around and shout at me, and fair enough too. My birthday on the Tuesday was a pretty good day, we were going to cycle to a pub a few miles down the road for lunch, but it was a lot further than we thought and was raining, so it was a tough ride. A lot of uphill cycling or bike walking if it was too steep. However when we got to the pub, turns out it was closed, so we phoned a taxi that could fit both of our bikes and got a ride to the nearest town where we had a subway sandwich in a petrol station. I kind of loved it, it was a happy disaster because I love subway, it was a strangely wholesome way to spend my birthday.

Things went downhill after the holiday though, in fact 2018 was generally just a blur. This was the only full year we spent together, as we got together in 2017 and broke up early 2019. It was bad, I was bad, I don’t know who I was. I was full of mood swings, I was angry that I didn’t want to have sex, and think I was just generally figuring myself out. 20 was a strange age to be as I wasn’t a teenager anymore, I was a proper adult with my own place, yet I was still so young. I can honestly say I was the psycho girlfriend. I would get mad at Josh all time because I was reflecting my own issues onto him, I was such an angry person. We only saw each other on weekends and briefly at work even though we lived together because Josh would get up before me to go to work until 5pm, I would start work at 2pm, in which time we would see each other around the warehouse a few times in those 3 hours, then I would come home at 10pm while Josh was already asleep. We would constantly go round in circles with the sex situation, we’d be upstairs trying to get it on, but I could never get into it enough to actually do it, I would enjoy a bit of foreplay but then would be turned off at the thought of touching him. I had a strange view on physical contact back then, where if I even attempted anything on Josh I’d instantly feel yucky and want a shower. I’m not like that anymore, in fact physical contact is the thing I long for the most these days. This killed our relationship though, because we would argue about it for half an hour, then go to bed angry. I would throw things across the room such as the pillows on the bed, and he would sit there like a dear in the headlights. I now realise that violence scared him because of his horrible Step-dad, and the guilt I’m carrying for the things I said to him in these moments is crippling. I would shout “WHY ARE YOU SCARED?! YOU’RE A FOOT TALLER THAN ME WHAT THE FUCK COULD I EVEN DO TO YOU?!” of course I was never violent to him, I only took it out on the poor pillows and scatter cushions, but he wasn’t to know that. I was suffering with chronic eczema at this time that went all the way up both of my arms. This was the main reason for my mood swings. I would scratch it all night until there was blood all over the bed sheet and I hadn’t had any sleep, this went on for months. I was irritable, nothing was making it any better. What I didn’t realise was the cause was simply stress, and I just made it worse and worse by getting more stressed about it not going away. No creams or ointments worked, prescribed or over the counter alike. I would wake up in the night scratching and angrily storm to the bathroom to apply cream that made it sting more because of it being applied to raw skin that had been scratched off, I would pace around, screaming and kicking things. No consideration for the fact that Josh had to be up in a couple of hours for work. This was the true psycho girlfriend period of time, and I hate myself for it. I can never forgive myself. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, Josh paid for nearly everything. The rent, the bills, the food. I would get paid every week into our joint account and he would transfer me my spending money which was most of it as I complained that I didn’t earn much, then I would blow it all not be able to pay for anything like takeout food so he bought everything, always. I let this happen all year and felt no remorse at the time.

Our relationship continued like this through to 2019, we never went on dates anymore, in fact we hardly went out of the house together because if we did we would have a public argument. The biggest mistake was going on holiday with 3 of my friends in January. Lottie and Alex- a couple, and Nicii, who was single at the time, but we made her feel included. I even shared a room with Nicii in the 3 bedroom villa, not just to keep her company but to have a break from sharing a room with Josh, plus he had a bed all to himself which must have been a nice break from me being a disruptive asshole in the night. I didn’t enjoy the holiday at all, me and Josh quietly argued the whole time, and I don’t know for sure if the others noticed but I think they did. At one point in the holiday I was in a bad mood and lashed out a little on my best friend Lottie for being bossy all the time, to which she remarked that I boss Josh around all the time, I was so hurt at the time, but she was right. That same day in the pool changing rooms me and Josh got into a big argument, whisper shouting to each other until it got to a point where Josh towered over me and whisper shouted that he’s breaking up with me. I instantly shushed him and tried to calm things down because of course this panicked me, we couldn’t break up on holiday with our friends we were only mid way through. I realise now that I saved the relationship then for my own pride other than anything else. I was selfish.

After returning home from the holiday I was sad. My boyfriend hated me, I had failed my driving test 3 times and was desperate to pass before the holiday so we wouldn’t need a lift there but I didn’t and was angry at myself, then just to top it off my Granddad died at the end of January, the only Grandparent I had left. I was depressed, so in February I decided to turn a new leaf, be more positive. Of course it was valentines day midway through the month so I cooked a chicken pie for the both of us and even baked a heart shaped cake and got him presents. I had made him do all the cooking since we got together even though he worked a lot more hours than me. Then on February 22nd I passed my driving test at last, and felt the happiest I had in a long time, driving was something I was so desperate to do, now I had my own car and a full license, I was free. I could save the relationship that I never wanted to be in in the first place. Sounds ridiculous, right? This is how messed up my brain was at the time. Still, I tried to make things right, I picked Josh up from work that day in my car, I believe it was a Friday. I decided that the following day I would surprise him in the morning by getting up and driving us to a nearby town for a coffee date and walk, seeing as it had been so long since we had been on a date, and I was in a better place now, my eczema had disappeared even, but it was too late. I got home from late shift at work that night at about 10pm, and Josh was sat at the dining table. He told me to sit down, so I sat on the nearby sofa. He said he’s breaking up with me, things just aren’t working. He was right, but my first thought was “no, what will my friends and family think?” messed up. What a shitty way to view it. I instantly panicked and started trying to save the relationship again but he stood his ground. He told me about how he had been to his friend’s wedding a couple of weeks before hand and made friends with a couple there, he saw how happy they were and realised what he didn’t have with me. We were never right for each other and we both knew it, we just settled too fast. That night was the strangest of my life. He had a bag packed so he could stay at his Mum’s and then come over in the morning to get the rest of his stuff to move out. I said don’t be crazy you’ve lived here for two years don’t disturb your Mum this late. So he slept on the sofa, while I slept in our bed, my bed. Waking up the next morning was insanely weird, coming downstairs to him gathering his things, muttering an awkward “morning” to each other. I felt so numb and empty, I even had to go to work that day and try and just carry on like normal, but how could I? My life changed overnight, I now had to fend for myself, I lived alone with the small amount of money I earned from my retail job, nowhere near enough to afford a house.

So Josh left, I came out on top in terms of material possessions because I still had the house, the 2 cats, the Nintendo switch, the king size bed, everything. I got very lucky, and I learned to be grateful for that. I just have so many regrets, I ruined 2 years of his life. I was that horrible psycho girlfriend that you hear stories about, and I didn’t even know that was me because I would have got defensive if anyone told me that was me. Josh is doing good now, he moved to South Korea to become an English teacher, which is amusing because that used to be my exact dream for the longest time, he hadn’t heard much about the whole concept of it until I mentioned that I was working towards it at the beginning of our relationship. That’s karma though isn’t it? He was the good person the whole time, so he gets to live his best life, and that’s completely fair. I’m doing okay these days too, I like my job, my best friend is my roommate, but I’m lonely. This is my true karma. The relationship department has been a complete flop since Josh, lots of trial and error, heartbreak, falling for people I can’t have, and this is what I deserve. I feel like I have to endure some sort of loneliness prison sentence before I can meet the right person. My 4 best friends are all in happy relationships; Shan and Jay, Lottie and Alex, Nicii and Jamie, and Emma and Joe. I have 8 happy, loved up people around me while I fail to connect with anyone, but I take it graciously because I know that if I can remain happy for all my friends and wait patiently, I can then forgive myself for what I did to Josh. I’ll endure this sentence and keep my head up because this is what I deserve and I know things will get better, I will find someone, but for now it’s a good time to continue reflecting and working on myself to become a better person every day.

#relationships #couples #story

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chicagoindiecritics · 5 years

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New from Every Movie Has a Lesson by Don Shanahan: 20 YEAR RETROSPECTIVE: The best of the rest of 1999

(Background image: twitter.com)

In an annual series, Every Movie Has a Lesson is going to look back twenty years to revisit, relearn, and reexamine a year of cinema history to share favorites, lists, and experiences from the films of that year.

As I was saying one column earlier when I laid out my absolute Top 20 from 1999, I was a 20-year-old undergrad Elementary Education major at Saint Joseph’s College twenty years ago. I was a country kid absorbing cable television for the first time, working at a local video store, writing movie reviews for the college newspaper. I was devouring movies new and old and the rural boundaries of Rensselaer, Indiana or my activity time as the football equipment manager didn’t stop me. On football road trips, I was more or less “staff” where I wasn’t bed-checked like the players. I used to go out after hours, pre-Uber and without a cell phone, and scout ahead the closest movie theater to the team hotel in order to find ways to see movies on opening Friday nights. Man, that was living.

As the historians will tell you, 1999 was a damn fine year. There are many films from that year that count as favorites and greats in several different ways. Some have gotten better with age and some have worsened, even dropping at as former favorites. Here are my little breakdowns of the “rest of 1999.” Enjoy!

Personal Favorites

(Image: justwatch.com)

Message in a Bottle, Entrapment, Deep Blue Sea, The 13th Warrior, The Mummy, Double Jeopardy, Life, Star War: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, The Best Man, The Bone Collector, Bicentennial Man

My 1998 retrospective last year will show you that I am an absolute softy for a romantic genre. My first taste of anything Nicholas Sparks came in movie form and it was the Kevin Costner-starring Message in a Bottle. This might have been my #2 favorite movie of 1999 in the college newspaper behind The Green Mile and I swallow a minute amount of shame. I still love this one. Kostner is a lifetime favorite of mine and his pairing with Paul Newman set against melodrama with rich production values (that Caleb Deschanel cinematography and Gabriel Yared score still get me) was gold for me.

Along the same lines, 2014’s The Best Man Holiday made me re-fall-in-love with The Best Man, a favorite that has only gotten better. Sappy Robin Williams has a limit, but Bicentennial Man can still arouse bigger sci-fi thoughts I appreciate. I’ll never grow tired of the best big-screen WTF moment of that year with Deep Blue Sea and its Samuel L. Jackson swerve.

The 1990s were the peak of the “mid-budget programmer,” studio-backed star vehicles with easy budgets, proven talent, and often genre content risks. Many of those became your steady diet of basic cable entertainment years later before reality TV took over. I’ll gladly put on the likes of Entrapment, Deep Blue Sea, Double Jeopardy, Life, Bicentennial Man, and The Bone Collector over many of today’s straight-to-Netflix films of the same budget level. The old stuff is so much better. The 90s also did blockbusters pretty damn well for its time too where I have no problem still enjoying Star Wars: Episode !- The Phantom Menace (just turn on Darth Maul and those John Williams choir voices) and The Mummy. Story came before effects still and it shows.

Guilty Pleasures

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Varsity Blues, Any Given Sunday, American Pie, She’s All That, Simply Irresistible, Cruel Intentions, 10 Things I Hate About You, Austin Power: The Spy Who Shagged Me, The World is Not Enough, Lake Placid, Galaxy Quest. The Boondock Saints

Speaking of those mid-budget programmers, the next class down was the lost art of the “high school movie.” The 1980s has John Hughes and the 1990s had the R-rated raunch phase that pushed further what the 80s started. Made for virtually pennies with mostly unknown talent or TV stars, these movies raked at the box office with the youth of the day, myself included. Honestly, they don’t make these kinds of movie anymore. Hell, they couldn’t get made today with the same landscape and lenses. Six years ago, I wrote an editorial here on Every Movie Has a Lesson on that phenomenon and it feels even more true in 2019. The raunchy teens grew into the “man-child” movies of the 2000s and 9/11 made everyone grow up into a wiser political culture since.

With that in mind, it’s probably wrong and more than a little misogynistic to enjoy the debauchery of American Pie, Varsity Blues, and even the intentional camp of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me in 2019. Alas, I could and I do. They’re time capsules of eye-rolling fun at this point. I just can’t show these movies to my students or own children. They count as guilty pleasures, right next to James Bond films and cheesy creature features.

Not all in this section are contraband. One can argue there isn’t a 1999 movie that has aged better, surprisingly, than Galaxy Quest, which grows with esteem and fandom the more other things retread and reboot. The football fans still rightfully worship the swagger of Any Given Sunday. Pygmalion and Shakespeare students can still be proud of She’s All That and 10 Things I Hate About You (which is many folks’ introduction to the late Heath Ledger, including mine). The buried treasure I recommend the most is Sarah Michelle Geller’s Simply Irresistible, an airy and easy romance that also couldn’t be made today with the same panache. I gave that one some anniversary love this year writing for 25YL. Seek it out for a good time.

Underrated Gems

(Image: letterboxd.com)

Payback, True Crime, EDtv, A Walk on the Moon, The General’s Daughter, Summer of Sam, The Wood

Here are a few to add to Bringing Out the Dead and Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai which made my Top 20 in the last post. These titles are a step down from personal favorites, but movies that I find more solid than flimsy compared to the rest of the offerings from 1999. Most are more of those mid-budget programmers like Payback and The General’s Daughter, but don’t sleep on director Spike Lee’s under-seen Summer of Sam or Viggo Mortensen’s swooning Woodstock romance A Walk on the Moon. Plenty cheesy for sure, but EDtv counts as slightly ahead of its time even after trying to follow The Truman Show from 1998.

Re-Visitations Needed

(Image: rogerebert.com)

Magnolia, Eyes Wide Shut, Being John Malkovich, 8mm, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Pushing Tin, Dick, Sleepy Hollow, Ride With the Devil, Girl Interrupted

With full admission, the 20-year-old version of me did not have his teeth completely cut or his eyes fully focused as a fit critic who could see past the entertainment and into the art. There are many movies on fancier “Best of 1999” lists that were simply lost on me back in their day. I recognize the impact and greatness of Magnolia, Eyes Wide Shut, and Being John Malkovich, for example, but they will always be distant. Some of them I’ve tried again. Some need another chance or two. For the others, I want to see how a few top directors’ (Guy Ritchie, Ang Lee, Tim Burton) earlier works look now against their current stuff.

Blind Spots

(Image: The Independent)

The Straight Story, Ravenous, All About My Mother, The Thirteen Floor, Flawless

These are the movies looking to make the queues and wish lists on platforms and streaming services so richly available to us in 2019.

Overrated

(Image: variety.com)

The Sixth Sense, The Blair Witch Project, Analyze This, Never Been Kissed, Big Daddy, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, Mystery Men, Dogma

Alright, let me get my next umbrella to cover the crap coming to fall. I’m going to come right out and call M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense overrated. It’s the biggest 1999 movie that has fallen out of favor for me personally. I blame the director’s degrading work since this first hit. Smart as it is, it loses a little each viewing and only exposes his twist-dependent lack of creativity. I know Mystery Men has earned a level of cult status, but I find it to be a busy mess still. The repeated crappy comedy phase since 1999 for Robert De Niro has not helped Analyze This.

After that, it’s about personal taste. I’m never been a South Park lover, TV or otherwise. Kevin Smith’s work has not aged well for me and Dogma, as bold as it was, feels like preening more than deep satire. I’m not a horror guy and couldn’t care less about the 1999’s equivalent of click bait with The Blair Witch Project. Thanks for the motion sickness, though. I’ve never been a Drew Barrymore fan, and I think Big Daddy is where Adam Sandler started to lose his edge and sink into the weak sauce territory that, other than a few moments like Uncut Gems this year, he’s never recovered from.

Still Bad

(Image: forbes.com)

Wild Wild West, Baby Geniuses, My Favorite Martian, Virus, Wing Commander, Forces of Nature, The Mod Squad, Runaway Bride, The Out-of-Towners, Bowfinger, Mickey Blue Eyes, The Bachelor, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, The Haunting

Yikes, was Wild Wild West a trainwreck! But then, we also got Wing Commander. Double yikes!

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originaldetectivesheep · 7 years

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The Thirty and One Nights' Momentary Diversion - The Abortive Translation of Elinor Littlebranch

Tonight's tale comes to us from the near-future or an alternate present, as robots and humans, living together, examine what's truly meant by the "self"; where life and death touch that, and just exactly how sexy you can pose in a shirt from a goregrind band.

The Abortive Translation of Elinor Littlebranch

I lifted the clock up, shaking it a little, trying to see if anything would go weird just from getting it rattled around. I'd already reset it twice in the last three weeks, no power drops or anything, and it was already like an hour behind again. "Man," I said, "I really don't want to, but I gotta think I've got to replace this clock radio at last."

"I don't get why you haven't done it already," Elinor said from the doorway, leaning against the frame. "I mean, you cycle out old phones like nothing – what the hell are you so attached to an old clock radio for?"

I turned, still holding up the clock, a finger on the top to keep the long-broken cover of the cassette deck from falling off. "I've got a lot of history with this – I've had it since I went to college, even before; I first heard Hypocrisy on the radio over this thing, and one way or another it's survived from the era of cassettes to cloud-based streaming, still pretty much working the way it's supposed to. It's seen the singularity, six girlfriends, three inter-state moves, and now nearly four years of an AI roommate who doesn't know what knocking is, or why she ought to do it around other people's doors."

"I could be your alarm clock," Elinor said, reaching up to tousle her hair like she was trying to do 'sexy', shrugging to almost-slide the shirt she was wearing off her other shoulder. "I could sneak in here in the morning and blow in your ear, and then sing the theme from Boku no Jinsei nannte daikirai that you always pretend to not get maudlin over until you poke me in the eye to make me shut up."

I set the alarm clock down with a buzz and a clunk, shutting off the broken radio again. "First off, we both know you wouldn't do that, or if you did, you'd do it once and then skip and laugh when I woke up late for work. Second off, you know that I know you don't actually like me like that, and that messing around is against our Roommate Best Practices. And finally," I said, my voice raising in spite of myself, "if you are going to do the 'sexy pose in a dude's big shirt' thing, you need to do it in one that doesn't say IMPLODING GORGE across the chest in bloody viscera. Come on, Elinor. Seriously."

"Man, you never let me have any fun," she complained, stripping the shirt off and throwing it randomly at some corner behind the door, slumping away like she was actually mad about me not playing with her.

"Hey – wait – that was my Imploding Gorge shirt! Don't just take stuff out of the laundry and throw it around wherever! Put it back in the hamper, jeez!" The alarm clock started buzzing again, and I dove to yank the cable out of the wall. I was really going to have to do something about that.

Helping make breakfast – well, for her, huffing esters off the teapot and the bacon pan, and then getting to run the dishwasher because it was marginally easier on the neighbors than playing Insect Warfare records, which was her second choice – improved Elinor's mood a little, and as for my part it was only one shirt I had to pick up, then back checking the news, eating my breakfast, and ordering another alarm clock to show up at work on Monday. It was easier that way – I wouldn't have to worry about scheduling the delivery when Elinor was off shift, or asking her to take it in, and I could put off actually throwing the old one out a little longer.

"Iain?" I looked up. Elinor was sitting folded up on the other sofa, her tablet up to her chest.

"Yes? What is it?"

"Do you think you have some time today – to come out shopping with me?" She was looking about as nervous and as hesitant as I'd ever seen her – as it was even possible for a robot to look.

I pushed my laptop back onto the coffee table. "Sure, I don't see why not; are like Yukio and Traylie and Jamila busy? It's just, it's kind of rare that you'd want to hang out with me."

Elinor knocked her head back, the thing she did instead of taking a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah. But – I really need the moral support, and I can't think of anyone else I'd want with me for it."

"What's the deal?"

She leveled down at me again, eyes wavering. "I've… been saving up, and I want to go out to Micheltage and see if I can find a new chassis I like."

I sat straight up. "Sure – sure, if you want to. But – I thought you liked your body just the way it was. Didn't you just get tuned up like three weeks ago?"

Elinor smiled a kind of wry, kind of half-smile. "I did – I got the effectors in my arm tightened up again – and now…" She lifted up her left hand, flexing her fingers; the last two were slow to close, and they didn't open all the way. "There's something wrong in there; I'm breaking down. I could change out the arm, but do they even make whole unit spares for this chassis any more? And it wouldn't be my arm – I dunno how to explain it, but it'd just be weird. It'd be weird in a new body, too, but maybe it'd be easier than swapping stuff around piece by piece. But I still want someone I know there with me: I've been in this chassis since I bootstrapped up, and I don't know how I'd handle being in something else." She suddenly grimaced, looking more concerned. "Is it okay? Is this weird? I don't want to like put all this stuff on you, but I don't know who else I could ask. If you're –"

"No, it's okay," I said, standing up so I could go find my shoes. "Just let me know when you're ready, and I'll call us an autocar."

"Car? Why a car?" Elinor asked. "Why not the bus? It's cheaper, and it doesn't take that much longer."

"Because the last time we took the bus out that far, you got bored and started asking it all kinds of dumb questions, and it nearly missed a bunch of stops. Don't you remember how that lady was about to haul off and punch you, and the bus had to slam on the brakes and nearly run over that AI guy rollerblading in the bike lane?"

Elinor scowled. "Man, you really never do let me have any fun around here." She didn't stop me, though, as I tapped the app to call the car.

Elinor calmed down on the way over, and was unusually calm and reflective as we walked in from the autocar drop station to Micheltage. I couldn't blame her; it was always sobering to walk in to this place, both for what it represented and how it was almost the last big-box kind of store left. The signs for intelligent electronics, where you could interview and homestay a toaster you could have an actual conversation with; the wide shopfloor of the latest humanoid and parahumanoid chassis models, with androids and their friends or partners walking carefully around, deep in thought about an almost life-defining purchase; the placement agency, where nervous and lonely humans and nervous, new-booted AIs waited to interview each other as roommates, until the robot got a job and got on their feet – or like with Elinor and me, on and on because we'd actually become friends, friends for what was looking increasingly like life off a brief "Death metal?" "Death metal." "Fuckin' death metal." in the interview booth. And now here we were, picking out her next chassis.

I hung back – this was her deal, after all – as Elinor wandered through the floor, looking over the different models, posed like Greek statues. The impossibly humanoid and extravagantly parahuman models at the front, the expensive ones, she drifted straight on past, without even a hint of longing; Elinor had her own ideas of what she wanted. Budget-friendly but not too cheap, reliable, no extra limbs that she'd have to buy a new wardrobe to accommodate. As I followed, I got the definite sense of her type; she was sticking closer to, and coming back to, pretty much just the next generation of her own current chassis. She was, after all, who she was, and she wasn't looking to turn into a juicer or a quadcopter or a centaur, or even just swap modes and identify as a dude robot: Elinor was Elinor, and she'd be Elinor in her new body too.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" I turned, but the attendant was clearly already talking to Elinor, clearly the one who'd be making the buying decision today. Micheltage obviously took customer comfort seriously: most of their sales staff presented very conservative and average-humanoid, but the one helping Elinor had a blue undercut and a clearcoat mod on their right arm, showing off the skeleton and cable harnesses inside the chassis. Elinor was her own person and if she wanted to leave the house wearing her one Maggot Plague shirt with the executioner shoving the Pope under the guillotine, I couldn't stop her; if it let her get to the models she was actually interested in maybe buying before someone could get over and try to upsell her, so much the better.

"I – yeah. I'm, actually, maybe looking for a new chassis today, I think – could I maybe see what kind of range of options you have for this model?" Elinor pointed at the one she'd been looking the most closely over.

"Of course; certainly," the salesperson said, motioning towards an alcove that might be a fitting room. "Won't you come this way?"

Elinor nodded and followed, waving back to me. "Come on, Iain; come in while I pick." I hustled up just as they got to the door, the attendant looking me carefully over as if they were trying to decide what exactly our relationship was. "This is my roommate, Iain," she said, clomping me on the shoulder, almost pushing me ahead onto the sales rep. "I bet you were wondering if he was like my boyfriend, or some dude I was stringing along like I might want to date him, and wondering what the hell was wrong with my taste, right? Ha! As if." Elinor gave me a dig in the ribs going past, and I drove my hands down into my pockets. That was her nervous laugh, like she still wasn't sure about this. I could deal with her bad-mouthing me, if that's what it look for her to keep it together, but she was going to owe me for this later.

The "fitting room" was a VR booth; the sales attendant carefully moved icons through the air to show off the range of chassis options, the new features of the new model. For what it was worth, the verisimilitude was better, the sensors had an improved response range, and there were all the usual promises about less energy use, better battery life, more storage capacity, faster reflex actuation; it wasn't that much different from virtual-showrooming for a new laptop. Elinor eventually got down to a combination of features that she liked, and wouldn't break the bank, and that they would be able to put up from stock on hand; her current hair color had gotten discontinued, but she picked out another shade that was nearly there, and sat back, nodding, satisfied.

The sales rep looked over the assembled options on their tablet. "All right, Ms. Littlebranch, if that's your final configuration, I'll send this on to the back for customization, and then we can go along to the test-drive pod, and when the chassis is ready, we can trial you in it. It'll only be a few minutes to get your options fitted out."

Elinor leaned forward. "This part – for the test drive, can Iain come in too?" She was clearly nervous, but the attendant just smiled and nodded.

"Certainly. We're very aware that it can be strange to boot up in an unfamiliar chassis, so in fact we recommend that our clients have someone familiar with them to help them adjust. Mr. Vanderschaaf is welcome as well." They tapped on their tablet, and then pointed with an open hand at a doorway that had slid open in the VR wall. "This way please."

The doorway led on to a short corridor into a spare and medical-looking room with what almost looked like a morgue slab in it for furniture; the salesperson sat Elinor on the slab, and pulled around a chair for me next to it, then left us, checking on their tablet as they went off, presumably to wheel Elinor's new chassis in. "Well, this is a great atmosphere, and totally not an anxiety trigger at all," I said, looking around at the grim décor.

"Aw, come on," Elinor said, cuffing me on the shoulder again, "it's great. I bet you want to climb up here and lie down and play about-to-be dead, don't you?"

"That is, uh, exactly the problem," I said. "I know it's different for you, and that you're going to still be you when they transfer you over to the new chassis, but humans can't exactly do that just yet. I'm sorry if I'm making it weird for you – it's ridiculous, you bring me down here for moral support and now you're having to keep me stable."

"Aww, poor Iain," Elinor said, punching me again. "You got it so hard. But I'll make it up to you – on the way out, I'll make a distraction in front of the security camera so you can feel up that deluxe sexbot chassis by the entrance, the one that looks like Jamaica Tasso. I know you want that glorious fourth-gen nuvo-silicone booty." I was not going to go around feeling up floor-model sexbots, but before I could say anything back to Elinor, there was a whirr of wheels and electric motors through the corridor behind us: her new chassis coming in. She lay back on the slab as the sales rep and a couple other techs nestled the new body in beside her, then started to connect up the transfer cables and diagnostic displays between them.

"Thank you for your patience, Ms. Littlebranch," the salesperson said, hanging back as the techs checked all the connections. "This will take a moment, and you may have a sense of lost time. You're going to need to power down and go into a save state: when we confirm that the save is complete, we'll trigger a hard shutdown and then transfer your shut-down gestalt into the new chassis. When we send the hardware boot command there, you'll wake up in your new home." Elinor nodded, her head donking against the hard plastic. "Then, whenever you're ready, you can start your power down." The sales rep looked down at something on their clipboard, and Elinor's eyes shot over to the side, to me.

"Iain," she whispered, "while I go under, will you hold my hand?"

"Sure," I whispered back, sliding a hand up to hers along the slab. "But –"

"I don't care if you tease me about it after," she hissed, looking straight up again. "But I'm scared – I'm scared. I've never been in another chassis; I'm scared about shutting down like this and I don't want to do it alone." I nodded, my hand slipping over the cool plastic skin and hard-ridged steel skeleton of her fingers beneath it, pressing against her touch sensors as Elinor cycled down and turned herself off. The techs leaned in, opening panels and activating switches, muttering about the transfer progress; right now, Elinor was somewhere in between the body she'd always been in and the new one next to her, not quite one or the other. What if something went wrong? What would happen to her? Would she be the same – no, she could go back, they couldn't seriously delete the local gestalt just running a transfer. It had to be.

"And… transfer complete, running the CRC check," one of the techs said, and the other two bent over the other screen, closer to the new chassis. "CRC is… good, all intact; starting the hardware boot." I was still holding on to Elinor's hand – no, I was still holding on to the hand of a Burriss-Knepper Model 31 "Alexandra" general-purpose AI chassis, the chassis that Elinor had been using ever since I'd met her. She wasn't here any more – this wasn't 'her' in any sense that would matter. I let go, and stood up slowly. In a couple more seconds, Elinor would wake up, and I wanted her to be able to see me when that happened – I wanted her to know that I was still here for her. The eyes of the new chassis focused, a flinching behind, and she blinked.

"Elinor – Elinor, are you all right? I'm still here." I leaned over as the techs started unplugging their monitor cables, closing up the access panels. The chassis' reactions were slow, like Elinor was still figuring it out, but at length she looked at me and spoke.

"Yeah. Yeah; it's different, but I'm fine. It's just… different." It was almost Elinor's usual voice – almost, but not quite, different technologies and different parts in the speaker mechanism. She was obviously trying to use the same settings, but the same positions in the EQ of her new body had different outcomes in the output synth. She slowly raised herself up, slowly and gingerly, making sure that the new servos would respond, making sure she understood her range of motion.

"Does it – how does it feel?"

Elinor thought for a moment; it was strange, a little bit, to think of her in this new body that didn't barely look like what I associated her with at all, but the way she held herself when she was thinking about something, it was clearly her in there and nobody else. "I… I dunno what to compare it to," she said at last. "It's just… different." She lifted up her left hand, rapidly curling and uncurling her fingers. "Maybe – maybe kind of like when they cut off a cast."

"You don't know what that's like – when you bent your shin strut out of line falling over that amp you just went to the robotics garage and had them straighten it out with the hydraulic press. How do you know what a cast is like?"

"When you're comfortable," the sales rep cut in, "perhaps you'd like to take a walk and see how the new chassis feels? Take as long as you like; we'll stay here with your former chassis and your other things." Elinor nodded, pushing herself up to stand, wobbling, on shaky legs as she got used to how locomotion was going to work. She took a step, another, more confident, and twirled in place, the plain white standard-issue gown floating up away from her frame. She nodded over at the door, beckoning me to follow, but stopped going around the slabs, looking down at her old chassis lying still where she'd left it.

"So… that was me," she said, looking it over. "That's what I looked like – for real, from the outside. It's a weird feeling – I'd only ever seen myself in a mirror, mostly, so it looks like everything's backwards. Like it's not real." She traced a hand along the chassis' arm, across where the actuators for those sticky left fingers were, down under the plastic skin, and then left it, heading out through the hall. I followed; it seemed like she was adjusting just fine, but you could never really tell.

Elinor seemed to be getting a greater command of her body as she went, more confidence in her stride, as she came out back into the VR fitting pod; the cameras were projecting us onto the wall now, a full-body, full-flow uncanny-valley backwards video mirror. She turned around to me, half confused, half with some strange expression that I couldn't place, as I came through the door. "Hey – hey Iain – who is this white-dress whitebread robot chick in here with you, looking like she's too cute for her own good?"

I stopped, brows furrowed. "Elinor – that's you. It's just us. And you don't need to fish for compliments like that – if you want to go back and get changed, then –"

"Seriously? Wei-rd," she said, not listening, leaning into the wall like she was looking at herself in a bathroom mirror, a finger yanking her cheek back to inspect her teeth, her jaw armature. "It sure looks and sounds like she's doing all the stuff I'm doing, but it's so weird – like she looks almost like me, but not really; I'm talking and it's, like, not my voice that's coming out – are you listening to me, or are you listening to her?"

"Elinor, I'm telling you; this is you. This is you – this is your new chassis. This is what we came out shopping for – this is the model you wanted." I was starting to get alarmed; Elinor was pulling at the slack plastic synthskin of her face.

"It – I – she – it's – it's not me. I'm in there – I'm in there, somewhere, but – but this isn't my body. This isn't my face – it's not my hair – I – where am I? Who am I? Where's my body? What happened to me?!" She was shaking, digging her fingers into the skin, eyes defocused and dilated – she was going to rip herself apart.

"Elinor – Elinor – calm down. We can go back – we can go back – your old chassis is still there." I put what I hoped was a comforting hand on her arm, trying to bring her back to herself. "We can go back, and you'll see it – you'll understand, and you'll get better. If –"

"Right," she said, a strange and haunted note in her voice that I'd never heard before, "right – it's still there – I'm still there – I'm still there lying dead on that slab – I'm dead, and this is a nightmare – I'm dead and reincarnated – my body – I'm still dead in my body and they're going to cut it up and recycle it – I'm dead and I'm going to get ground up and whosever's body this is will come back and force me out and –– " and suddenly, just as suddenly as her fit had started, she went limp, the techs who'd done the transfer holding her up as one of them held in her emergency-off switch, the sales rep murmuring some kind of robot ASMR into her ear as she locked up and shut down.

"Wait!" I yelled, stretching out a hand. "You can't – she just –"

The sales attendant shook their head. "She'll be fine. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon side effect of booting into a new chassis, particularly for an AI who's only ever known one body and has spent several years building up a self-image tied to it. We do these test drives, and have the VR booth set like this for them, just so that if a customer does have a disassociative psychotic episode, we can usually catch it before they do any permanent damage to either themselves or their new body." They smiled a pleasant and stable smile that had nothing to do with building protection from mental breakdowns into their sales cycle. "We will bring Ms. Littlebranch back in, and transfer her back to her former chassis; once she's recovered, we'll discuss whether she still wants to go ahead with the purchase." The salesperson smiled again, and then followed the techs as they carried Elinor's body out; I just shook my head, and it was a while before I got the nerve to follow them back in.

Elinor took a while booting back, at least before she signaled anything that had to do with consciousness; the Micheltage techs had left, giving us some space alone. "Hey," she said, looking over at me, still flat on her back. "I guess I really freaked you out back there."

I shook my head. "No, it's all right – I'm sorry that this happened for you; I don't know –"

Elinor sat up, pulling herself around. "No, it's all right. I guess I learned my lesson." She lifted her left arm up, curling her fingers, looking almost with relief at the sticky ones. "I was talking with the staff while I was out, and I think I'm just going to have the arm off, as soon as they can get the interconnect bridge for a new-model one in. I'll save some money, and I guess I still want to keep this chassis around, at least the parts that don't need replacing right away." She smirked. "But that was a hell of an experience; I sure hope that by the time your chassis wears out, they've got uploading, so you can freak the hell out like that – and I can be the one watching."

I breathed out, shoulders slumping down. "I'm glad that you can think of it like that – I'm just glad that you're conscious and you can remember. When they EMOed you I was sure that they were doing a buffer flush – that they were killing you there, and they'd boot you off the gestalt left in this chassis, and you wouldn't remember anything."

Elinor waggled her eyebrows. "You know, they might have, and you'd never know." She smiled evilly at my shocked expression. "They didn't, but I almost wish they did – wouldn't it be wild to have an insane evil version of me lurking in a rack-model chassis that didn't get flushed right?" She stood up, tracing the lines of an autopsy incision on the new chassis, the chassis that had briefly been her, lying on the other slab. "What's that old human proverb? 'That is not dead which can eternal lie; And with strange aeons death may die'?" She turned her head around, smiling, that weird light up in her eyes.

I shook my head, trying to keep down the shivers. "God damn it, Elinor," I said at last, "if you're feeling good enough to give me the heebie-jeebies like that, we don't need to stick around here any more. Come on, let's go home; we can even take the bus, if you just promise to stop creeping me the hell out."

#fiction #30and1nights

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isisaacdead · 8 years

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Afterbirth + is out!

DISCLAIMER 1: i have this post set to auto update at Jan 3rd 12pm pst, our goal launch time for Afterbirth+. there is a chance the game may not be for sale for another hour or 2.. just wait it out and it will appear :)

Afterbirth+ is now out on steam!

http://store.steampowered.com/app/570660/

youtube

-You will need the Afterbirth expansion to play it.

-If you own Afterbirth, AB+ will be discounted to $6.66 till the 10th of jan.

-AB+ is an expansion to The Binding of Isaac that adds new items, enemies, unlockables, achievements, endings and a new playable character as well as full access to mod tools and user made mods.

-AB+ is coming to consoles in spring this year.

GET IT NOW!

DISCLAIMER 2: like any launch there is a good chance that we missed some bugs and players may experience some issues that our testers might have missed. the team will be working hard for the week of launch on fixing all major bugs or other issues. i also reserve the right to nerf! (but only if said item is very easily exploited). all other updates will happen when monthly booster packs go live.

be gentle! we are doing our best here.

xoxo

-eggy

Afterbirth+ will close the book on a 5 year journey that started out as a 3 month flash project i made with a friend (florian himsl) for fun. we had no real intentions to sell it, it was originally going to just be a sponsored flash game due to the fact i was worried people wouldn't be that into it, and we only spent a few months on it.

i never had any idea Isaac would become what it has, this little monster has consumed my brain for what feels like a lifetime and im at a point now where i can be happy with officially finishing the story and calling the Isaac project done.

but as sad as that may sound to some, this is really just the start of things to come. AB+ started as just a mini DLC of mod tools, but slowly ballooned into another game expansion with a bunch more added content... but still at its core the whole point of AB+ was to hand the game off to the community, who at this point knows the game better than i do.

this new year will be a changing of the guard so to speak, we will be giving over Isaac future to the fans and supporting the mod community as much as possible.

this year will be a year of the monthly “Booster pack”!

as you may have assumed, using mods wont allow for you to unlock new game content / get achievements. but we have come up with a way to bring the best mod content officially into the game via mini monthly updates to AB+ or “booster packs”.

(ill probably also join in the fun a little.. honestly i came up with a few neat item ideas during the last week of crunch that i need to see in game.. so maybe this whole “letting go” thing is a lie!)

so all you out there will get to experience a year of free user made content officially added, and all you modders will get a chance brag to the internet about your amazing design skills and unlock the biggest and most sought after achievement in Isaac to date, the “MY WORK IS OFFICIALLY IN ISAAC” achievement!

SO YOU WANT YOUR MOD OFFICIALLY IN THE GAME!?

so when making mods you can honestly do whatever the hell you wanna do, so dont let this post sway you from making a totally nutty mod with guns and Jesus and copy-written material that will put you in jail! but the following is a list of basic guidelines when it comes to content im looking for to be added in this years monthly “booster packs”.

Items-

theme tips:

this can be a difficult one due to the fact that most of the items in Isaac are based on personal items/themes from my own childhood but the best way to stay on theme when it comes to items visual design is to stick with these simple and effective Isaac tropes.

-gross items (bodily functions / liquids / solids / wounds)

-christian items (artifacts / rituals / etc)

-pagan / satanic / occultic items (artifacts / rituals / etc)

and the minor Isaac themes like fetal development, disease, dnd and general 80s nerd bullshit.

design tips:

Isaac has a few hard archetypes when it comes to items, its best to design around these specific groups.

-HP driven items: (items that use life as resource / contact damage stuff / items that like it when you take damage)

-Defensive items: (items that protect you / raise your hp / reduce damage)

-Tear mods: (items that change your tear behavior / add status effects)

-Resource based items: (items that effects pickups / generate things / use your resources in different ways / affecting shops)

-High risk reward items: (stuff like bobs brain / curse of the tower / cursed eye) (people may not like them but items like these are important too!)

-Mod items: (items that affect usable items / familiars / angel,devil rooms / shops / etc)

-Trinkets: (items that passively mod behind the scenes %s, effects and support a range of archetypes)

-Wild cards: (items that dont fit into an archetype but do interesting things none the less)

Enemies/Bosses-

im specifically looking for enemies that will be added as alts to existing ones. this makes them a lot easier to add so we dont need to include 100+ rooms specifically for each of them. they dont need to be like the enemy they are an alt of, but should roughly fit the theme/difficulty of said enemy you are making an alt for.

theme tips:

most of you should know these themes by now.

-most enemies should resemble Isaac in some minor way

-stick to Edmunds 6 Ds of Isaac visual enemy design: decaying, demonic, dead, dying, diseased and decapitated!

- again minor themes of fetal development, insects (decomposers) and body horror in general are always accepted!

design tips:

also im sure there are more than a few zelda enemies i missed out there.. just copy those! :\

Challenges-

it would be great to add a new challenge every month this year.. but they gotta be good!

challenges should force the place to finish the game in a unique / interesting / challenging way that you aren’t usually used to. theme doesn't matter as much on these, as long as the design is fun or new id be more than happy to add as many as we can over the year.

Misc-

im sure there are things out there we somehow missed that we can officially support. out of the box stuff, whatever works as long as it fits the theme and is a solid design im more than happy to consider it.

the best way for me to see your designs is to simply tweet me a gif or video of your mod in action, be specific though dont send me like 20 items or 15 enemies, just send me one of each that you feel is the best, then wait a month to send more.

the reddit page is also a great place to showcase your mods as well as get feedback and maybe even sync up with an artist or programmer you can partner with (romance?).

anyway i hope this was helpful, its a bit hamfisted but as the months roll by im sure we will find a smooth way to exchange ideas and ill keep updating the blog with new info as the year unfolds.

so enjoy the launch, dig into the new content and have fun unlocking all the new bits and pieces we added over the year. Tyrone will be doing a post in a week or so that will go more into mod details and ill do what i can to link any fan made mod tutorials here.

im honestly very excited to see where you guys take this!

#binding of isaac #mod #isaac #tboi #afterbirth #afterbirth+#ab+#rebirth #this post is long and has no images... balls

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vertyblog · 8 years

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Whoops I’m still a nerd who thinks about designing XCOM 2 enemy types but has no actual ability to mod them into the game.

First, the Cryptid

CENTRAL “...I don’t know what you just found, Commander, but it’s messing with our visuals and we can’t get a clear read on it. Watch out for anything.”

The Cryptid is a big green furry thing with glowing purple eyes and claws that lurches around lazily, not getting any response from civilians as it does. When it spots XCOM, it activates a passive called Alerted where it gains double visual range, which it then uses to run away and hide while keeping an eye on XCOM. From there, it’ll stalk around the edges of XCOM’s visual range as much as possible.

The Cryptid’s AI will prioritize soldiers who are on their own, and try to single soldiers out by using it’s Blind ability, which only affects a 3/3 box, so it’ll usually just hit one guy, but it cuts their visual range in half, maybe less depending on balancing.

Once it’s successfully isolated a target, it’ll jump them and attack with it’s claws, dealing minimal normal damage but crazy crit damage if it gets the chance to do so. If it manages to actually kill someone with this attack, and no other XCOM soldiers can see it, it’ll enter Concealment.

While Concealed the Cryptid is a lot more aggressive, and the first attack once it breaks concealment can inflict panic, but it doesn’t gain any extra tricks.

If enough turns go by without the Cryptid’s AI seeing a viable chance to isolate a single target in the way it wants, it’ll just try hit and run tactics instead.

Weaknesses- They’re pretty squishy, low health, no armor, no regeneration.

If you hit one with a flashbang then they’ll lose their Alerted passive until it wears off again, which stops them from being able to pull most of their stealthy tricks.

Battle Scanners as expected break their concealment.

And, of course, you can always just Alpha Strike one out of your own concealment.

Killing and autopsying them lets you build the Visual Blocker, which is a utility item that lets the user pass through the vision range of Scanners and Civilians without being revealed. It doesn’t work on actual ADVENT units though, even the mechanical ones.

Then the Voidcaller

CENTRAL “Commander, that purple thing just lit up the Psionic Network like a Christmas Tree. I don’t know what it’s doing, but it should be a priority target.”

The Voidcaller is a vaguely humanoid vortex of black and dark purple, leaving vague shadows and visible traces of psionic energy where it moves.

The Voidcaller only has one passive- Unreal, which completely nullifies the first successful attack against it each turn, similar to Untouchable. That seems pretty dang strong, but the Voidcaller doesn’t have much health or armor, so that’s it’s only real defensive measure besides cover.

It’s AI doesn’t do anything special in particular, it doesn’t run away to be a cheeky asshole, it already has the Unreal passive for that, but it has two main abilities. Call, which creates a psionic portal somewhere on the map nearby it. If the Voidcaller is killed, then the portal closes, but if it stays open for one more turn (maybe more?) then the portal closes itself and drops a random pod appropriate for the Force Level. The Portal doesn’t close if the Voidcaller is disorientated, stunned or otherwise incapacitated outside of killing it, it’s presence alone sustains the portal, but Call is an active ability it has to actually activate.

The second ability is Stasis, as in the exact one that XCOM soldiers can also get.

It also has a plasma rifle, but it’s a weak one with minimum damage, mainly just used if it can’t do anything else.

Obviously the Voidcaller’s deal is that as long as you let it live it’ll just pump out reinforcements constantly. The Unreal passive is mostly just to prevent a ranger one-shotting it from concealment with a shotgun, but you could always bring two Rangers, or flashbang it to disable that, etc.

Weaknesses- The flashbang thing I just mentioned.

-Any DoT effects will eat the Unreal status

-Very little defensive or offensive capability on it’s own

Killing and autopsying them lets you build the Warp Marker and Recall Signal, which let you mark a location and then instantly return to it, along with any body, unconscious or dead, that the user is carrying.

Each of them is an individual item (so you need two slots if you want to equip them to the same soldier) you only get one use per item like the Overdrive serum (though each build gives you both), and the Warp Marker is an active object on the field that can be noticed and destroyed by ADVENT patrols.

#XCOM 2 #me being a nerd

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robertbryantblog · 5 years

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weannoyingbouquetgalaxy-blog1 · 6 years

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What’s the best way to shop for insurance? Through a broker or online?

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Hi, I have a 2004 BMW Z4, and the rain sensor, for automatic wipers, has broken. Apparently, you need to replace the whole windshield to fix this (if you know different, let me know!), so my question is... is it possible for me to claim for this under my insurance? My windshield excess is 70, but I assume that is for when the windshield is cracked or damaged etc. So, seeing as mine is not damaged, only the sensor, is there any way I can claim? Also, if anyone knows how much a new windshield for a Z4 is, that would be great too.. I can't find any figures but I assume it's pricey :-( Any help or advice on this would be greatly appreciated (I'm in the UK, by the way).. Cheers!""

Most reasonable health insurance?

what is the most reasonable costing health insurance in southern california? I saw a few with low premiums, high deductables(common), but very few office visits covered, other than paying up to deductable. I need, for my family, high deductable, low premium, low priced generic prescriptions, and preferably unlimited office visits at a set rate ($20-$35) per visit. having alot of trouble finding all that. Anthem had almost all, except barely any office visits unless you pay an ultra high monthly. any suggestions?? thanks!!!!""

How do people with serious health problems make it without health insurance?

I know that some people don't. But those of you who are in that situation and are doing okay, how do you do it?""

How much is does it cost for insurance of a driving instructor (roughly)?

It is for my A-Level business coursework where I am producing a business plan to set up a driving school. It doesn't have to be exact. Regards

Is car insurance cheaper in manhattan than queens?

Report someone who is driving without insurance and not registered?

how do i report someone driving without insurance and who isnt registered? and what happens to them when they get caught without both??? in california.

About car insurance and the laws on it?

i just want to know if a car is insured but the driver of that car is not in the policy .. do i still get ticketed for not having the car insured? I don't know if i'm making sense.but let me explain .my car is insured fully covered but my daughter was driving it and got stopped by the police.and he claimed that my car was not insured. i called my insurance carrier and was told that it was because my daughter was not on the policy. I always assumed that as long as the car was insured it did nt matter who drove it. provided an accident was not involved. please help me on this. as soon as possible

Does insurance go up when I get my driver's permit?

I'm a little over 15 and a half i live in california and my family has AAA so will the insurance price raise? i know that when i get over 16 it does raise but any tips on how to bring down the rates a little?

Cheapest auto insurance for a teenager?

I am 17, and my parent's won't let me get my learner's permit until I can get a job, buy my own car, and pay for my own insurance. What is the cheapest auto insurance company, but with good polices? I make good grades if that helps at all.""

Can you start work as soon as you receive your national insurance number at 15?

Ive just left school and i want a job for the summer but my birthday is not till august. Ive already received my national insurance

How much renters insurance coverage are apartment complexes allowed by law to tell the renter they have to car?

I was told by a apartment complex that I had to have $3,000,000 worth of coverage in my policy. Is this amount allowed by law? I've never heard of such a large policy amount for renter's insurance. BTW, I live in north Texas.""

How much will insurance be now?

I'm 16, I got in a big car accident.. I flipped over my car twice. Fortunately, I was untouched and I was the only one involved. Naturally, I was taken off the insurance policy and lost my car. Before, I had the good student discount so we paid $350 for half a year as a full time driver. How much would I have to pay to be a full time driver now after the accident? My dad said $2000 but it can't be that much? Will they strip me of my good student discount? How much will it cost to be put on as a part time driver now? Will it go down after a year? Please help?! I've been very depressed as the whole experience was very traumatizing. My mom keeps giving me a tough time about it and I just cry randomly throughout the day and eat all the time to cope. I don't understand how it could happen to me, I'm a model student, I have straight A pluses in all advanced and AP classes and I was even following the law when I had my accident. Tips on coping would be appreciated as well. Thanks.""

What company has the very cheapest car insurance for Tennessee?

I just need the bare minimum insurance. Which is the cheapest?

Car insurance?

Car insurance? Question. My boyfriend was driving my car... and my insurance is just liability insurance...My boyfriend does not have insurance. He was pulled over and given a speeding ticket. It says on the paper attached that if he did not show proof of insurance he would need to send that in with the ticket.. the cop did not ask for proof of insurance.. and also on the ticket... it says financial responsibility shown? and the office marked YES..... does that mean he lucked out this time

Car insurance coverage question...?????

I have state farm. there's an expectation of a severe storm with softball size hail heading our metroplex. I'm in the middle of switching car insurance. The coverage will expire april 10, 2008. Will state farm covers me if I have hail damage on the same day it's expired?""

Im 24 years old. How much will car insurance cost. Im female.?

I asked this question before. Everyone assumed I was under 18. Im actually a 24 year old female in Ontario. So I needed to provide this information originally when I had asked....sorry about that. So can anyone take a guess now?

Car insurance? will it go up if no claim is made?

son had car accident, was on partners polcy, wrote car off, no other vehicle was involved, insurance company have found out about the accident somehow (due to one of these no win no fee companies getting his details as he had a passenger in the car who was not injured, but who had not contacted them ) son is 18, wants to get on the road again, but we are worried about how much insurance will cost him. we havent claimed for his car either, can any please advise""

Insurance and childbirth?

i might be moving to oregon but im on my insurance blue cross of california.. does anyone know if they charge more to give birth out of state?

""Dui in personal vehicle 5 years ago, can i get comercial insurance for livery service?""

independant owner operator of sedan service in st petersburg, fl""

Wtf Is going on with car insurance companies?

Last company auto renewed my policy but i wasnt aware of this as had moved address, so to cancel it I had to pay 133 as id already started going with someone else on top of the initial deposit amount i had to pay for both companies which has took a large chunk of my money for what i feel was no fault of mine, then a month later im getting letters from my current insurance asking me to pay an extra 90 plus 25 admin fee or my policy will be cancelled AGAIN meaning a cancellation fee because when i said i had held my licence for 8 years they recon its 7 ive held it for and this makes my policy go up, thing is i got my licence on 22/08/2003 and took my poliocy out on the 19/08/2011 so they're making out when i took out the policy i only had licence for 7 years for sake of 2 days who the hell wouldnt have said 8 to that? it just seems theyre trying everything now days trawling through all your stuff finding the smallest detail just so they can get money off you or cancellation fees cos that way they're not risking anything on insurance but still gettin money off you for cancellation fees its a joke and I can really see why people think there's no point having insurance anymore. Plus I have never made a claim since I started driving but because others have in the country im being punished with premiums going up. Will it just end up where everyone who simply cant afford it thinks sod it and drives round with no insurance? surely that would make things even worse but all these cancellation fees if it happens again that I have to cancel that will be 550 ive paid in the last 2 months and still my car wont have insurance????? arghhhhh its doing my head in surely something can be done to help the customers a little more as insurance was always a headache but this is becoming ridiculous now. ..""

Car insurance while deployed...?

My husband is in the military and is currently deployed overseas and I had a question about his car insurance. It does have a loan out on it so that requires us to have full coverage on it normally...I was wondering that while he is deployed and since his car is not going to be driven (there is no way I can drive it since it's a stick shift and I can't drive those lol) if we could lower the insurance on it. I'm just not sure if we'd be able to because of the loan...or does it depend on the bank/insurance company? Thanks for any info!!

What's the best way to shop for insurance? Through a broker or online?

A broker has many insurance and knows where to shop if I go online am I going to be get the best rate?

How much is monthly insurance rates?

What are the things you pay insurance for and how much...

Car insurance.. new driver 4x4?

Does insuring a larger car such as a 4x4 (not neccesarily a new one)... cost a lot more for a very new driver?? How much more?

How much would the insurance cost on a 2007 Lamborghini Murcielago lp 640?

Ball-park estimate?

Pagani Zonda - how much to insure?

My hubby and I were watching Top Gear the other night and James May was testing the Pagani Zonda. Does anyone know, out of interest (or to be honest to settle an argument!) roughly how much the insurance premium would be on this type of car? Thanks!""

Do you have to get insurance before you can get a license plate?

I just bought a used car off of someone and drove it home. Luckily it was at night because the car doesnt have a license plate. This is my first car and none of my family seems willing to answer the phone today to help me. What am I supposed to do first? When I looked up the cost of plates, it said that when purchasing the plates insurance must be presented at the time of purchase. So that means I have to get insurance before I can get the license plates right?""

Car insurance for a new driver?

I will be driveing soon how much on average is car insurance for a new driver?

Car insurance question....?

Is it possible to see how much the isurance will be before I get the insurance??? I am 18, had my license since december 07 and never had a ticket or accidents... How much average is a teen insurance from a coupe to a minivan... I know its not in the high $800, but maybe $120+. I might get a mustang or something... plus is there an insurance gap between forigen and domestic cars???""

Where can I find the cheapest car Insurance in NJ?

I trying to find insurance that is not not less expensive does someone know where I can go to get this?

First speeding ticket how much will my insurance increase and for how long?

I recieved my first moving violation (speeding ticket) and would like to know the cost/percentage/etc of a potential increase (if any) to my insurance. I am reluctant to call my State Farm agent for fear that they'll pull the record now and re-do my rates instead of towards the end of 6 months when I am up for renewal. Any takers?

What's the average cost monthly for a high school student for having a car?

Just like the question says, around how much is everything put together on having a car (maintaining, oil, insurance etc) for a high school student. Thanks.""

Question About Car Insurance?

I have AAA. I have 3 vehicles, 2 in which my daughters are the drivers. One of my daughters has 2 points for prohibited turn, which raised my insurance rate. Is there anyway to get the points removed or remove her from the policy even though she would still drive?""

What to do with my auto insurance?

hello I plan to give my 18 year old daughter my car and I plan to get another car. Does anyone know how does this work. I mean I not only will be putting her on my insurance but I will be adding another car. Will I have to pay double because of this? Or would it be cheaper for her own insurance and if I should leave the car I am giving her in my name or put in her name?

Which Local Car Insurance has best price in Las Vegas?

I have done my research but would like to know which local car insurance has the best deals? Thanks you for your time.

I just bought a new car and don't immediately have insurance. Is there a grace period for a policy renewal?

I just purchased a new 2012 Honda Civic, and I gave my old 2000 VW Golf to my brother in Indiana (I'm in Wisconsin), and the golf is insured. However, I have yet to renew my policy to insure my new civic. So my question is, is there a grace period for renewing my policy? I have the new policy set up and just have to give them the vehicle VIN # and pay to activate the new policy but I no longer have the Golf so should I not drive my civic to work tomorrow since it is illegal to operate a vehicle without auto insurance? I don't want to get pulled over and then risk having my license suspended since I don't have the new insurance cards/policy activated at that moment for the civic. I plan on activating the new plan the next morning. Can someone please let me know?""

Can anyone tell me a cheap car insurance?

How much would motorcycle insurance on a yamaha r6 in nj be?

Idk how old I'll be when I get one, can I get an answer for ages 18 and 21 please? thanks!""

Am I eligible for unemployment insurance in Alaska if I am a full-time student?

What is a health insurance cartel?

What is a health insurance cartel? I'm on about the US health insurance.

What is a good cheap sports car for a teenager?

I just learned to drive a manual transmission so now i am interested in a more sporty car. I want something that is initially fast and doesn't require modificatons. I have a limit of about 5 or 6 grand.

How much does motorcycle insurance usually cost?

I'm 18 with a honda super blackbird cbr 1100x in Colorado

Cheapest car insurance for you a young driver?

What are the cheapest cars for a young driver to insure? I'm 17 and looking at buying soon so any help would be great!

""Car insurance, where should I get it, and how much will it be? College Student?""

I am going to be getting a used 2006 Chevy Cobalt, my parents are gonna pay the monthly payments but I have to pay insurance on it. Do I have to get full coverage on it since its payments? I go to Michigan State so I'm wondering where the cheapest place to go would be. Anywhere that gives student discounts would be great. How much should I expect to pay a month/year?""

What kind of sport car is good to buy that insurance is not that high ?

im trying to buy 2006 slk but i dunno should i get it or not,20 old""

Insurance Savings Plan?

What types of these are available at insurance companies?

Insurance question minor accident no damage to my car?

Hi, A driver made a reverse and hit my bimper. nothing happenned to my car but his step bumper is a bit bent. not the secretary of the company called wants me to pay around $2000! or ...mostrar ms""

What's the best way to shop for insurance? Through a broker or online?

A broker has many insurance and knows where to shop if I go online am I going to be get the best rate?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/ira-iowa-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-50127-monica-croftoon/"

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