#and that my fast/slow eating and ARFID tendencies have mixed together in a horrible fashion
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uhh
#Today I realise I probably have a eating disorder#no I’m not starving or eating too much I just#have bouts of food insecurity#and horrible horrible parents I hate them so much <3#anyway I slowly realized that I’ve been more than happy to go without food for extended periods of time#and that my fast/slow eating and ARFID tendencies have mixed together in a horrible fashion#I’ve gone days without proper meals. I’ve gone so so many days without proper meals#I never realized that eating disorders could be related to inconsistent food access#I don’t claim to have any sorta normal type it’s a fucked up me thing#But it’s so fucked. I shouldn’t feel that any meal that’s “edible” to me is the only meal I’ll have for days#it’s just. So fucked. Starving is preferred to eating something disgusting#and these days that becoming more and more#I can’t become sick of beef I can’t if I start retching if I start getting sick#i’ll starve again#I just don’t want to anymore#I just don’t want to. I want to not worry anymore I want to never worry again#but I can’t I don’t know if I’ll have a proper meal I don’t know if tomorrow is the same#I tried so hard today and it wasn’t enough.#if I mess up one meal I don’t think anyone will eat well#and that’s exactly what happened again. And again and again#the utter despair that coursed through me as I knew no one would be able to eat#the sobs that racked me. And yet false promises from my father and yet again I’m exhausted#I’m made of plastic I’m strong but bend me the wrong way and I break#and today was that. I hate that I do these things I should be able to feed my family#but I can’t I let them down. I eat too much because I don’t know when I’ll have food next#I cry at wasting good leftovers because I don’t know if I can eat the next meal#and every single day I feel this deep shame for buying food for myself that’s more that 5$#I am so scared of not being able to eat again. Because it’s happened so often in my life#from when I was little to when I’m an adult#I can’t afford to get sick of beef I can’t I just can’t. If it happens I’ll starve worse than I did before
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